Spitballers Comedy Podcast - A Strong Arooma & The Worst Wedding Gifts - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

Spit Hit for Feb 6th, 2025: On this episode, we have some fun choosing which sound effect accessory we would rather have. We also choose which crime we would rather be publicly known for committing. Then, we provide some high quality education during our ‘What’s The Difference’ segment. Lastly, we finish things up with a draft of the worst wedding gifts. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What's going on, Spitwads? Look, I want to talk to you about Indeed. Why? Because we just hired two new people for the studio. We run the Fantasy Footballers podcast. We have a whole network of podcasts, and we need smart and, you know what, talented people. And so we use Indeed. Indeed is great because it helps you hire the right people quickly. It is so important to be able to hire them quickly, and Indeed has helped us time and time again. When it comes to hiring, Indeed is all you need. You can stop struggling to get that job post seen. Sometimes it's hard to get them seen by the right people. You got to put them on a bunch of other job sites. No, you got to use Indeed because their

sponsored jobs help you stand out and hire fast. Your post with sponsored jobs jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates so you can reach more people faster and it makes a huge difference according to Indeed data. Sponsored job posts directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. We love them. There's no need to wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed and listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at Indeed.com slash Ballers.

Just go to Indeed.com slash Ballers right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com slash Ballers. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? with Andy, Mike and Jason. Be-bop-boop-bop-toot-tapa-toot-ta-pa-pow! Oh yeah! There's the big whisper finish

that we've seen the last 25 times in a row. Is that my new thing? The whisper finish? It's not new. It's been a while? That's your thing. That's your thing. I think what used to happen is I always used to go too loud at the end. Oh, you got your own Badingi going on here. I mean, we'll see, you know, three episodes from now we'll see. Uh,

I know what it'll be. It's going to be nice whisper soft landing. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, Andy, Mike and Jason. Would you rather? What's the difference? And we are drafting the worst wedding gifts on today's show. Yes. Uh, yeah, Al, how are you doing today? You had some thoughts on that scat? I was just saying it's not always just a whisper. It's always a pow. It's like, it's like he's doing comic book scatting, but D but it's so it's like a pow. It's like he's doing comic book scatting. But it's so it's like a loud, it's a loud action word, but it's real soft. That's the blues in me. It's just a gentle punch. It's going to be a good show. I know it. Thank you for tuning in, supporting the Spitballers.

Tell your family, tell your friends. We're trying to... Spitballers, we have found out that it is better with friends. Mm-hmm. Spitballers is made to be enjoyed with others. You can talk about it, chat about it, draft your own draft. Yeah, it's a good time. And we just like making your week better. So, thank you for tuning in. Let's get it started. Would you rather? Would you rather

there be a charming ting sound every time you wink, or have a cartoonish gun sound every time when you fire off your finger guns. We got the finger guns. Like a... There you go. This is great.

Wink. I always say wink when I do that. Wink. I go, bing. Yeah, there you go. If anybody wants to give this a try, let me know. I feel like we've got them. Oh, I got you.

Ready? Finger guns. Oh, that's really cool. That's very good. We've got oh, I got you ready finger guns I'm gonna wink here and oh With that send away is that that's a cool feature But like let's say you were using it practically you're at a restaurant someone brings your meal looks really good Do you throw him a do you throw him a wink? your meal looks really good. Do you throw him a do you throw him a wink. Now I don't think you want to do that. That seems creepy. The winking in general is very dangerous. Like there are just there's really small moments when you can you can actually wink and it's

fully understood. This is just a joke because a wink. I don't know that there's ever an appropriate serious time to do a wink. I'm trying to think about that. The only serious wink I ever do is if I'm trying to get somebody in on a joke on somebody else. But that's it. It's understood. That's it, yeah. It's funny.

But you wouldn't want a serious wink sound effect if I'm being like, hey, hey, hey, you know. Oh yeah, then they know. And then it's like, then you wouldn't want a serious wink sound effect if I'm being like hey, you know Oh, yeah, and then it's like pink then you then they'd be like wait so that you can turn off the sound There's a sound whenever you wink. It's every single time It has to if you do finger guns or you do a wink it has to have the sound effect I do feel though if you had the sound effect if everyone could hear that when you do a wink You you could do joke winks all the time. That's like it would bring winking back It would we would wrangle it away from just creepy old men and it would be funny again

I think the reason it's gone away is because there aren't enough Handsome charming men because if you're really Charming you keep your handsome you can wink absolutely No, no, no, no, listen if you're really handsome and charming like not right you aren't just an oblivious handsome person You know you're you're you're Ryan Reynolds Ryan Reynolds can wink no problem, but that's cuz he's funny what it Funny instead of trying George Clooney wink. Oh, yeah Yeah, he can actually George Clooney is better than then Ryan get away with it

No problem, and it wouldn't even be creepy or weird to be like Wow No, I'm telling you George now not with that though that ruins it that doesn't that doesn't strike you as Charming that strikes you as cartoonish. And the only time I wink personally, like I was thinking, have I ever winked? And then I was like, oh yeah, I do wink sometimes. It's always on the joke of, oh totally. You know, like it's completely the sarcasm,

like I believe you. Wink, you know, the big old wink. Yeah, you're accentuating the face. It's not just a quick. Right, no, it know the big old wink. You're accentuating the face. It's not just a quick... Can you get yourself in trouble with the finger guns? That's awesome. It's hard to say no to the finger guns. I think that's my final answer.

That would be... It'd be funny. Like all the time. I would use it so much in pickleball. Just don't do it like at a bank, you know Banks airports you want to holster them finger guns also. I am instituting a new rule For spitballers for the future forever if anyone does finger, you have to be on the ready, Al, because that I expect the sound effects to come whenever. Oh, we both did. Yeah, it's probably bad that I asked you to give me those on my.

No, you're good. All right. Final answer is finger guns. Oh, for sure. Yeah. All right. Which crime would you rather be publicly convicted of? Committing arson by setting fire to Burger King's corporate offices while disguised as Ronald McDonald. Okay.

That clown. Yeah, there's three options. Option two is beating the tar out of Santa at a Macy's Day parade on live TV while dressed as a fusion of Krampus and the Easter Bunny. Okay. Okay. I get the get the pattern here or destroying the castle at Disneyland with an actual medieval catapult. Oh, okay. One of these is pretty cool. Now I love Disneyland. I do. Right. But to be able to use a medieval catapult

that could take down a castle, I have to take that opportunity. How often? Like, I would never set a building on fire, but I have the capability. I could. Sure. I could do it. You can wield fire? Yeah, I can. I can't wield fire. Well, I mean, but you understand you can go down to the Walmart and buy a pack of lighters. Absolutely. But I mean, you love Disneyland, so you'd be known as forever. Yeah, you ruin. You'd be banned, first of all. Yeah, I don't think they'd let me back in, that is for sure. But I think most of these things you're ending up with. Yeah, you're gonna spend a little bit of jail time. There is probably some jail time. Yeah. I mean, you've got a risk of, I mean, I've heard, and maybe

maybe this is false and just a Rumor isn't there like some sort of special hotel room inside of that Disneyland. Yes, there is so you could accidentally kill someone you could Have to have been at the arson with the burger I was gonna say there's a lot of people in Burger King's corporate offices. I would say I'll be a little bit more worried about There's no people in all right All right, good, thank goodness. Because otherwise we're really publicly convicted of murder. Yeah, and we're very on the record on this show. Anti-murder.

We don't do murder. No, that's right. We don't do any murder around here. We've told kids, don't do the murder. Do not. I'm gonna go ahead and beat the tar out of Santa there, no. Take some bad gift memories out of Santa then though. Take some bad gift memories out on the old man?

I mean I don't know if anybody knows who Krampus is, so I think I'd rather just dress up as the Easter Bunny and make it really clear that I am one holiday attacking another. Yeah in the United States you probably gotta make that call. If you were in Germany, Krampus would be a big hit. Is Krampus pretty big over there? Oh yes, yes. Is that a threat to the kids? All the kids know that if you're not good, it's not a lump of coal that's going in your

stocking. It's you going out the door in Krampus satchel. Okay. Well that's... To be eaten. To be eaten by... It's a serious place, Germany. We have got to bring that to the states because I'll tell you who's afraid of a oh no

I got a lump of coal that's not stopping me from burning down the Burger King's headquarter, right? But you know what what being eaten alive? Which if I recall on this show over 220 episodes we have been very Anti eating other people. Yes. Of course, we are. Cannibalism? Don't do it.

That's a big faux pas. Don't do cannibalism. Absolutely, don't do murder, don't do cannibalism. I would say do do. The catapult? Catapult destruction, though. I mean, if I'm gonna take down a building, let's say. You think you could handle a catapult? I don't know down a building, let's say you can handle a catapult

I don't know if you're the kind of guy who could handle a catapult. There's one thing to do You know, there's multiple things. You could aim it wrong. You could yeah You could shoot that one over and then you're destroying like Splash Mountain or something. It's a very precise This guy does not know how far away Splash Mountain is from the castle. What an idiot! I just think you got that bad of aim. Oh, wow, that that good of a catapult? I mean that thing is launching far That being said if I were like people do demolition right you You you have to tear down a house you want to build a new property or something Why don't what they use catapults more? They'll be awesome. I

Yeah, I mean, I think there's some reasons. Yeah, they're really inefficient the load time is That's the big problem. You don't recover the object that you're breaking the building down with very easily if it was like an automatic I'm gonna sign a pole. Yeah, I was going with a really long rope Yeah, pull it back like the ice cream scoop on a button That fun toy I love that thing Wait, so that's supposed to be a joke. What I don't understand. What was that thing for? I was like here have some of my ice cream Starve foam in your face. So have some of my ice cream that doesn't look anything like ice cream

Well, right. I mean you got to play use your imagination a little bit And then you look at somebody when you hand it to him and you go, oh, I was going finger good. Oh yeah, you got to, you got to. There we go. All right. Would you rather have your name tattooed on your forehead or have no front teeth? So would you rather wear a hat or dentures? So would you rather wear a hat or dentures? Maybe if it's on your forehead, you're not you're not hat country. You're you're probably bandana country We're we're we got to put this thing low. This is got to be eyebrow level Just above you not easily hideable

Because the point I'm making here is it no matter what, no matter what is on my face tattooed, I would like to have teeth. What if you had to have your eyebrows replaced by your name, first name, last name? Ooh. Because I mean, they're shaved off and then you have them written. I will.

In like cursive or comic sans. 20 years ago, 20 years ago, the idea. You just sounded good. Of a facial tattoo was unbelievably appalling, and it was the mistake of lives. 10 years ago, it was somewhat a little bit more common, and it wasn't like those-

Mike Tyson did huge things for face tattoos. It wasn't just Mike Tyson with it. There were other people- That was the tribal one, right? But you didn't necessarily want to, you know, Tyson did huge things for face. Exactly. It wasn't just Mike Tyson with it. There were other people. That was the tribal one, right? But you didn't necessarily want to, you know, be the people that had face tattoos. Right.

Today? Face tattoos are in. Yeah, it's pretty common. I mean, I'm pretty sure if you want to be in hip hop, gotta have some face tattoo. I mean, Post Malone is really running out of real estate on the face. Yeah, so I believe-

Tyson's still has the facial tattoo. That's the thing about tattoos. Yep. Still got it. So that's not really, you know, that's the downside. Yeah. Now, no front teeth. Is that the other one? No front teeth. Assuming the pragmatic issue. Yeah. With eating. Enjoy your apple. I think I can figure the apple out yeah I can you know like cut it into pieces but not if you didn't have a knife okay yeah if I handed you an apple and you don't have front teeth could you don't go buy cuspids do you think you could oh yeah Mike my canines are getting right

into that you think you could eat it with the side of your mouth I mean that's what you have to pull your cheek with your finger to like fish hook yourself to get in there. Yeah I think I could pull off the eating. I remember. I look ridiculous. Back in braces time you know you go you got the braces you go to the orthodontist they give you the tightening and your teeth just there. They are unbelievably sore for a few days, and we went to get, I had just had a tightening, we went to get pizza, and my front teeth, I could not, I could not bite with my front teeth.

So I'm taking pizza, and I'm trying to get it back into my molars, I fully wrecked the side of my lips, you know, like where your, I don't even know what you would call it, but other than the side or where your lips meet on the edge. I don't know. Where the scars are. Yeah. But yes, I very, I looked like the joker, but it was not, it was not my abusive father. It was, it was pizza crust over and over rubbing against that tiny little piece of skin and it cut it open Wow, I mean how this is a memory man. It was small as your mouth. It's it's it

I was I was a young child when but when it's it was not soft crust clearly It was you didn't want to go like fork and knife. What with pizza rather chop your face face up? Yeah I'm not a Neanderthal. I mean obviously if you don't have the tattoo and you don't have the front teeth you can close your mouth and you look normal while you walk around. If you have the tattoo you never look normal walking around. You're either a guy with a bandana 100% of the time. And that the the conversations of meeting new people asking Oh who's Jason? That's me That's pretty awkward pretty awkward that is that is a good point. Oh, is it is Jason your father? No It's me now hold on hold on. I'm training because that would be super awkward if people

Hold on. I'm trying because that would be super awkward if people Saw this tattoo and they asked who that was and they but I feel like if someone walked up to me and on their forehead Was it was Mike right like he's walking up and it says Mike right across his forehead I feel like I would assume that's Mike would know I it'd be better if it said Mike and then underneath it said 1983 to and is blank it's just blank waiting to fill in the other side and you just say it's a memorial yeah this is for me what the mortician will handle this when I go open casket they finish it would have to be finished at an open casket otherwise you're wasting a lot of ink there yeah well you are your own tombstone. Oh

No like new level of headstone there Literally just your head just Embalm it put it. Yeah, do they do that? I don't think they do that if they bury you Vertically just just only the shoulders and then you just kind of bronze the top part of the head I want to do that then you just kinda bronze the top part of the head. I wanna do that. Then you are really, I mean,

could really pay someone a tribute when you go to their grave. Give them a kiss on the forehead. Oh yeah, that's gross. See that tattoo? All right, we. What are you taking? Which one are you going with?

I can't do the face tattoo. Not across my forehead with my name. So I'm gonna go without the front teeth and I'm gonna keep my mouth shut. I will always be remembered. No one will ever need to ask me, wait, who's that guy? Because they will know that's Jason.

Okay, so you're going face tattoo. Mike, final answer? Your face tattoo. I like my teeth. Yeah, your face tattoo. They work out. I mean, you already got a neck tattoo. This is no big deal.

Yeah, just move it They work out. I mean you already got a neck tattoo. Yeah, no big deal. Yeah, move it up a little bit Do you want to solve some of the world's biggest issues? Oh do I? What's the difference between me you you I Find that drop comical every time I hear it because it's so well done. Uh, what's the difference between being tired? pooped exhausted and tuckered out I Feel like I've got a good grasp on the last one tuckered out. You got to be sub 13 years old

That's really absolutely children. It's for children. Oh, he's all tuckered out. I couldn't Mike. You can't get tuckered out. You're a grown man. The kids get tuckered out. Yeah, I can get exhausted. So is it a like a puberty line? I think it's a puberty line which I'm putting at 13. I mean, yeah, arm pit hair. You can't be tuckered. Okay. So that yeah, the second that the that the armpit hair grows in, you graduate too exhausted, or do you go to poop? Now that's where we gotta get into the nuance here because you might not be exhausted.

Exhaustion is hardcore. I've got another way to guide us, right? I agree, tuckered out. The difference between tired and pooped. Pooped to me is I am collapsing onto some sort of reclining chair. Tired, I'm going to bed. Okay. Okay. If I'm pooped, you come in, you just did a little bit of, you know, how we always do so much yard work. You come in from the yard work, and then you just kinda pooped and you kinda the reason it was called that because you can't poop laying down

that's been scientifically proven oh boy that's another experiment I've never thought about the lay down poop is impossible to pull off a bed toilet doesn't I mean I mean obviously hospitals figure it out right there. You know there are medical issues You're not laying down. You're slightly they raise you up just for the poop. That's true So exhausted is you're tired, but you can't make it to the bed exhaustion to me is

Not like you get tired every day every day you get tired. You're just tired from living. Oh, it's routine. Yes exhaust Exhausted is when you're completely spent you are on zero and because of your day Yes, your day had to be something intense Physically or mentally and pooped is more related to one specific activity that you were then pooped after Would you agree with that? Like if you did one thing and then you come in and you say, man, I'm pooped. I just cleaned up all the dog poop. So long as you got in that chair, absolutely.

As long as you get in the chair. Well, that seems clear. Yeah, toilet does count as a chair. You can be pooped while pooping? Well, you would be pooped from something else and then you could go be pooped while pooping. And then the toilet would be pooped while pooping? Well, you would be pooped from something else, and then you could go be pooped while pooping. And then the toilet would be pooped. In.

Boop, right. What is the difference between a scent, a smell, and an aroma? Mm. Oh, very important question. I feel like aroma has to be lower tier Than a scent or a smell as if there's less of it in the air. I Can agree with that make sense? Yeah, but I feel like if there is an aroma you must oh

You gotta use your hand to accentuate it just to spread it around a little bit more like I'm getting a faint aroma Oh, that is right the part of the reason you have to use your hands a walk Is because of the light the light smell that is in the air It's just an aroma so you have to use your your hands and and again to bring this to science the scientific reason For that and the name Aroma is because its winter smell fills a room. Okay. And that's what it used to be Aroma. And then just as English has progressed.

Yeah, it was an ugly word so we took one of the O's out. Yeah, and so it's an Aroma. You know, it just fills the whole room. No, it's a good logic. Yeah, there's this tremendous work. I feel like a scent has to be a direct line that goes to whatever is... Oh, really? Oh, like you could follow a scent.

Yeah, so like if there's a cake, you can see it in the air. Like in the cartoons, where you see the scent. If you got the scent and you had flight ability, you could directly follow the entire scent to the object creating the scent. Quick question here, because I was curious about this with scents. Yes. Can it be bad?

Yes. You can have a bad scent. Oh yeah, absolutely. Some rotten garbage. That's a smell. No, rotten garbage. Okay. Is that the scent of garbage or is that a smell? That's what I was wondering I smell is where you can't find it

But maybe that's a Roma she walked through the room and had a nice scent Yeah, yeah, I mean I was directed right towards her because it's a that's You know, there's a whole movie about this. Yeah, I think we've we've really I mean, I'm directed right towards her because that's the scent of a woman. I mean, there's a whole movie about this. Yeah, I think we've really, I mean, the aroma thing, I didn't know that. Yeah, well, that's why people listen to the spit ballers. So if we were doing this. So what is a smell?

A smell is pretty much, it's the broadest category. It's anything. It's anything that you use your nose to receive. That's why it's, that is also why it is a verb. See you can't verb aroma or scent. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. You smell something. Hey do you scent that? No I don't scent that because I smell that Mike. I smell an aroma. Smell is really should only be used as a verb. Okay. So can you smell a scent? Yes. Absolutely. Yes. All right. But you can't smell a smell because that's a double verb. That becomes a noun.

As science. When you multiply two verbs. The rules of grammar. They become a noun. Two verbs become a noun. Wow. You have illuminated. Boy, you have the scent of a wise man.

It must be directly towards me. Yes, yes. What is the difference between being nice, kind, and polite? OK, OK. I love this question, because these are three important things. I think all kindness is nice. All niceness is polite, but not all politeness is kind. There could be levels here. I feel like if something is kind, it was done just

altruistically. Like it came from just deep inside of your person, you as a human, you wanted to do something that would That would better someone's day make something easier for them make them feel better. It was kind Yeah, I mean this is this is really you didn't expect anything back. No, this is status of the heart level Yeah, on yeah, there it is because like if you're doing something that is polite you can also not care at your obligated I do not I'm not, I am doing this to be polite. Yes. I don't believe at all what I'm saying. You're saying you can be polite with a cold dark heart? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You hold it, holding a door open for someone you've never done that where they take a little bit. If you do it with the wrong

attitude it's impolite. No, no, no, no. Impolite would be shutting a door in someone's face. That would be impolite. Polite is open the door. Polite is please and thank you. It's impolite. No, no impolite would be shutting a door to someone's face That would be a polite polite is open the door polite polite is please and thank you It's just a word we add in there to to make it seem like something is less now Mike if you open that door because You really want you don't expect anything back and you want to get it for me. Now. What is it? Is it polite? Kind No, it's also polite. I think it's... Not to mention they'll look back at you and say, wow, that's nice. Well, that's true.

What a nice man. Yeah. So is nice the verb of the crime violence? No, we can't do that again. And you don't get to tie in the word polite with how the police officers used to open doors for people either. And that's where we got the word. Okay. I'm not falling for that again.

I like where we're on track. I think polite is just a societal obligation. Kind is when you really mean it. And being nice to someone is, you don't really care. Well, you're just gonna do it. Nice? I think nice is better than that Yeah, I do think can be nice too. Yeah. Well, that's that is true That's where I was going like it could be nice outside, right? Right? Can't be kind outside

No, because there's no heart right the heart is good. It's really there with the heart Yeah, that's what this is kindness is from the heart from a good place in the heart kind of Mmm. No, no, I'm fully on board Good work back there the delay in audio there for all the listeners. Yeah, well, they didn't notice it was owl Waiting after my finger guns for a good three seconds He will need to have some sort of the finger guns on a foot pedal. Yes. So he's ready. So slow. We gotta work on this. What is the difference between a geek, a nerd, and a dork? Okay, okay a nerd and a dork well dorks a loser let's just call it a spade a spade I feel like like a dork is like a bad nerd it's like a nerd gone bad these

three words have really transformed in language over nerd used to be bad nerd was when you were in the 80s especially in a movie based at a college, calling someone a nerd is about as close to the highest level of an insult that you could give anybody. But the nerds, we grew in numbers, and we started out to out populate the jocks, and now nerd is like a badge of an honor,

and it's a cool thing. That's because, just to get into the history of it, the history, it all changed with technology, computers. The nerds used to be the only people. They were math. Absolutely, it was math, it was pocket protectors, glasses with tape on it, what nerds? But then it turned out these nerds were good at computers, computers became more common and now all of a sudden- The rich. The rich, it was like, man. What nerds? But then it turned out these nerds would go to computers. Computers became more common and now all of a sudden... The rich. The rich. It was like, man, those nerds are pretty cool.

A dork is a nerd living on the fringes of nerddom. There's acceptable nerdiness, but on the very dark edges, like the cosplay people and stuff. They're dorks. That is correct, that is correct. I'm just kidding. But the geek, the geek, what's the difference between a nerd and a geek? Because they have a squad of geeks. I'm struggling here, yeah. Oh, I got the geek.

Is it a paid nerd? No, no, no, a geek has to have a topic. Like you could be a nerd in general about anything in life, but a geek, you are a Star Wars geek. You are a geek for anime. Whatever your category is. Because you geek out. Exactly. But I also nerd out. Well, but that, but it can still be broader because nerds are just anything intellectual.

Who goes to the conventions dorks Okay, so the cosplays back in it yeah, I mean look in today's day and age and this will change I mean, we've seen the shift in the past. Yeah presents. That's right now dorks are losing Dorks are losing the battle. All right, then dorks. You've got to unite. Oh, for a convention? Yeah, you need to band together and just It's just an abrasive word, man.

I don't know if we can recover and redeem the word dork. It's one of my favorite words, to be honest, because, man, you can really What a dork. You can poke with it. Yeah. It's a sharp word. It is a sharp word. Oh, that wasn't a finger gun. That's a sharp word. It is a sharp word. Ow.

Well, that wasn't a finger gun. That was a point. That was a point. Look at my hands next time, Al. I feel like dork might be the word that nerds use to insult geeks. Yeah, no, that's right. So nerds?

It's like, yeah. Called geeks dorks? Yeah, you're like, we might be nerds, but you guys are dorks There is nothing better than When people decide that they are nerds for one thing and all the other nerds for the other things are dorks, right? There's a little hypocritical usually that's I mean I it's what I do. I do that all the time I weaponize like you're you guys Harry Potter. You're like D&D. Yeah and we're nerds. We're awesome. And we're Harry Potter dorks. Yes, never forget it.

So that's the disparaging word to keep your nerddom and your crew proud. Yeah, because there are so many nerds now. Now we need a hierarchy of nerddom. So I need a way to put you down to elevate me. Right, we are very tribal people. Yes. And we, when I'm saying we now,

I'm only including the three of us. The three of us, super cool, would never be a dork. Yeah, we're about the coolest of the school. Maybe my, pew pew pew pew. Oh man, he's so late on these. Maybe my favorite, what's the different segment we've ever done, because I feel like we've really answered some big time questions.

You've illuminated a lot. Well, let's move on to our draft then the spitballers draft well we are drafting the worst wedding gifts and Al I don't remember where do we get this idea did this come in from Twitter somebody suggested this idea it was a patreon idea oh. Oh no, that's a nerd. Oh yeah, doing good work over there, nerd. I'll get the actual person so we can give them credit. And how many domains do we have pointing to our Patreon? At least four. Is it spitwadsquad.com? Does that work? Yep, jointhespit.com, spitballerspod.com. Okay, there's a lot of ways to get there. That was three. Yeah, at least four though.

I just can't think of the other four. We gotta go register one. We can't tell you the other one. It's top secret. Try and find it. We've all been married. We've all had the lead up to the wedding and then you have your wedding and then everybody brings you gifts and then you traditionally you open those gifts.

Sometimes people open them, I guess, you know, really close to at the wedding. Do they ever open them at the wedding? I don't know. It's always like the neck that night or the next day. Yeah. But there are you know, there's good gifts. Great gifts, cash money. Then there's then there's other gifts. There's gifts that people send. And, you know, they they, there's a lot of categories like they want what they're giving. That's a category, right? So they kind of give you what they want. There's the category of like,

I'm giving you something that I think you need. Right. There's registry. That's always fine. Follow the registry. You can always follow the registry, which the registry should just be cash. Which we've seen.

I think, I think Brooks, he didn't you take that registry path? Oh yeah. Yeah. Brooks loves pay for stuff. Lo loves nothing more than cold hard cash. He's like, I know I've got so much, but I want more. Yeah, I won't buy the wrong thing with your money. Credit where credit's due.

This idea came in from the Rancid Pizza Box on YouTube. Oh, no, without that credit, there's just no way that. The Rancid Pizza Box. Thank you for the idea. Worst wedding gifts, Jason, you have the first pick in this draft. Well, I would go with a rancid pizza box. There are two here that I was kind of back and forth on. I'm trying to play the game.

I don't think either one of them necessarily comes back to me, but if I were to just take it as the worst gift you could possibly imagine It would be a cat. Oh, no, it's on my list An animal and I stuck yeah, so, you know, I felt too broad I felt like I take this to the shelter for me, right? I mean you cannot ever justA, for wedding or otherwise, gift an animal. That is a life that needs to be cared for. Yes.

And that needs to be a decision from said owner who says, I am ready to care for this life. And also cats are literally little demons that should not be in anybody's house. I had a family member who once trolled me at a birthday party by giving me a present but they put it in the box of basically like a gerbil cage. So then I opened the box, you know, I opened the wrapper and I thought that meant I had to get a gerbil and was obligated to having a gerbil

and I had to put on a funny face like, thank you so much for this gerbil cage, I guess I have to get a gerbil. And I didn't like that feeling. What was in the box? What was in the actual present? I don't know, it was something else, like some DVDs or something.

What's in the box? All right, so you took my number one. All right, I did it. I mean, Pat's was 100% Let's see if my 102 comes back to me. I don't have anything else. Okay, Mike, you're up. Oh, that's gonna be a short draft. No

Look, there's a few directions here I Think the hardest part about getting a gift from somebody at your wedding is if it is something that has to be put on display In order for you to say thank you. Okay, which a lot of people they get married They move into a house like right then and they're decking out their house. And if somebody gives me a giant painting, I have two choices. Not hang it up and then they hate me,

hang it up and then I hate myself. Because if you get a giant ugly painting for your wedding gift, you are stuck. I have art on my list because art is another one where maybe the person, you know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sure. Yep.

And so if you give me something that I don't care for, it's like, like- That's a gamble. We're in Arizona. There are so many people absolutely love the like turquoise- Southwestern. Southwestern look. Oh my- You live in the Southwest.

I cannot- I bet you like looking at turquoise while on the mountain top of the Grand Canyon. Southwestern look. Oh my. You live in the Southwest. I cannot. I bet you like looking at turquoise while on the mountain top of the Grand Canyon. Gotta get the blanket ladder. Yes. I'm sure it's because we're in Arizona and I see it so much.

If I was somewhere else, I'm sure I wouldn't have the hatred, but I just hate that look so much. By the way, my wife has a transplant. She's totally cool with all that stuff. Oh man. I have to fight it off with a stick. She'll buy that stuff and I'll be like,

I don't wanna see none of that Southwestern patterns. Get it outta here. So I'm gonna go with the, yeah, the art. The large ugly painting that I am now stuck, hopefully damaging on accident so I can tell them that's why I'm not hanging it up. It got ripped in transport. Ah darn.

Got left at the wedding chapel. So my first pick, I am gonna go, look, what's terrible about this is it's crazy expensive, it's just impractical. It used, apparently it used to be a big thing, like back, maybe in our parents' day, I think it might even just been their parents. So if you're talking about our grandparents,

but it's the fancy china. Because this, I mean, like it's the plates. The plates you can't use. Yeah, there's the plates that they just, they sit in the cabinet and they are used maybe once a year, sometimes never because there is never an event that is fancy enough to get out a plate that cost $500 a plate or whatever it is.

And we just, our generation, we don't do that anymore. It was a remnant from the down abbey days. Yes, it used to be a sign of and right somehow that just kept getting passed down and we're like, yeah And the plates keep getting used less and less because they're so expensive now the sign of wealth is paper place I can keep buying these over and over you done with that. Check this out That goes with the the China goes with the rooms. We couldn't use in the county Yes, we couldn't use the the tables we couldn't use. Yeah.

All right, that's a great pick. You got one more. Fancy China is a delightful pick. From an impractical thing that's really expensive to an impractical thing that's not very expensive, but it sits on your countertop and you just, you're going to be angry about it. It is a two piece toaster. The toaster is at the top of my list as well. No, no, no, no. Did you hear what he said? It is a two piece toaster. Oh, a two-piece toaster and the toaster is at the top of my list as well Oh, no, did you hear what he said is a two-piece toaster?

Oh a two-piece because look a four pieces a minimum you give me a four-piece toaster. We're in business I have a functional toaster that can toast an appropriate amount if you have a two-piece toaster like it's 1952 I'm going back and forth to this thing five times just so I can get enough toast for the family. Yeah, it's ridiculous Yeah, that's real a two-piece toaster. Why do we make these anymore? Give me a one seat car. Come on Also, you said four pieces of minimum and I love that you go bigger but are there bigger? Can you get an eight piece toast? I I don't know if I've never seen I guess I've only seen four piece in two long slots or four piece directly side by side Yeah, but but I've never seen a six. I I speak the lie. Okay, but yes, and those are that's Maybe come out with an eight piece toaster. I'm all about it, but that's that's a toaster. Yeah, it's just a toaster

Yeah, you don't call it a four-piece. I had a toaster on my list. I had a toaster on my list You said I want an old I had a toaster on my list. I had a toaster on my list. You said, I want an old, awful version of this toaster. Good pick. I was like, oh, look how cute it is. It's, it's aquamarine. What are you like?

No, I need it to be functional. Well, that's two very good picks, Mike. Both belong in your kitchen. They're stuck in your kitchen and you'll never use either one of them because you'll buy a replacement toaster and you'll put that one down below until that family comes over and then you'll

swap it wait do we oh I will found a six piece cluster they do exist they are not cheap I'm on it oh my gosh this is got to be a commercial toaster yeah culinary depot oh that is not the price the toaster should be. You should never spend $500 on a toaster. Buy three two-piece toasters. Sit them next to each other. Take up too much space. All right. Too many outlets. My second pick here is going to go into the awkward category which I think is an important category for wedding gifts and I'm just gonna call it anything political. Okay. Okay. Political books, anything political where you are going to tell me your beliefs and what I should read, any biographies of present day political figures.

Okay. I'm going to go anything political. I would like you to leave it out on my wedding day. That's fair. I don't think that that should be part of a celebration of love. Of love. Unity. Or Hear Me Out. That's fair. I don't think that that should be part of a celebration of love of love And we'll do the or hear me out If I get because look we all get invited to weddings from time to time

You don't really want to go to this wedding And if you want to make a statement of like you made me don't don't ever invite me to Thanksgiving Yeah, you might be like hey check, check, check out this Q and on book. Check out this. Yeah. This pamphlet I found. No, I don't want anything political. Just read it. Do your own research. Also don't invite me anywhere. Yeah. Do your own research with this pamphlet. Jason, you got two picks. You have the cat. I have the cat and my second pick came back and I think that this would be the, you know, I don't think someone would actually give someone a cat for their wedding.

I'm sure it's been done because there's a lot of marriages out there. But this one I'm sure has been done a lot. And it's a wedding card. That's the end. There's no money in it. Just a card. Just a we wish you well card. There's just an empty wedding card, a congratulations card

with no money in it. What if there's a thoughtful note? I would open it, I would look for what's inside. I can't pay my bills with this. He's trying to rip the paper apart from itself to find the money inside of it. And I don't think I would ever get to whatever was written because I couldn't find the money, so I would close it and then I would throw it to the garbage.

You'd reopen it and see if it's in there. So have you seen this happen? You're like a child opening a birthday card. You're shaking it. Yes, that's exactly, I mean we've all been there. We've all been receiving presents for one thing or another and we open the card and maybe there's a gift with it. That's fine. But even when I know there's a gift with it, when I open the card, I'm always like, you know, that it's the golden ticket search in the candy, in the chocolate bar. You open the card and you're like, is there money in here? No money, bad card. I wonder if you could set a money threshold to read the card.

Right, yeah. Like if it's under 50 you just close it. Yeah So card without money everybody expects money and wedding gifts. Yeah for sure. All right one more Jason open that wallet All right Party made you rent a suit He paid me. Yes All right. I'm going to go with a marriage counseling book. Let's start- What?!

Oh yeah, people give all these marriage help books. Look, I- I- bonus points if it's from a couple that has an obviously bad marriage. Yes, yes, definitely. It's probably a regift or a, you know, like, oh I've read- I had to read this- It's got all their notes circled inside That would be funny, but I don't you do this Stan. I don't want well first of all I Don't want a book like yeah, don't get me a book the reading any book I just yeah the whole reading like I'm looking forward to opening my wedding gifts

I'm not looking forward to opening a wedding gift and be like, wait, you forgot your book. Why did you leave this here? I don't want it. But then the self-help nature, it's, you know, they're trying. I mean, they're not doing something mean. They're trying to help. They're trying to help.

I get where it's coming from, but also it's a little insulting. Al said, cool, homework, thanks. Yeah, exactly. Okay, that's fair. It's a little insulting because you feel like you can preach that a little bit. Well not only that but when you are first getting married you do not need this marriage will be perfect forever with no problemos. Maybe you need the book. Maybe we

need the books out there. Yeah the books might. Yes, but I will get that when we're struggling and I will buy it for myself. But at that point, Jason, it's too late. And I don't want... I'm not going to read the book when everything's hunky dory. It'd be funny if the book was directly advice for one or the other party. You know what that book is? It's just like being a good wife. Yes, exactly. And that's the book given to both of you, man.

Oh, yeah. Wife, yeah. Be a good wife book. That's the book given to both of you, man. Wife. Yeah. Uh, be a good wife. That's the great. How not to be an abusive husband. Um, that would be sending a real message. It was rough. Oh boy. All right. My next pick I've gone with the large ugly painting and the political stuff. Look, it's, it's almost, it's almost's almost worse than the card that's empty. It's a donation in your name. Oh man. That's not bad.

A donation on behalf of both of you has been made to the human fund, right? To save the pandas. To save the pandas, so. I like the pandas. I mean, just skip giving me the card and go donate to the pandas, all right? Yeah, it's not the donation that's a problem, but like, pandas. I mean just skip giving me the card and go donate to the pandas. All right Yeah, it's not donation. That's a problem. But like

In your honor has been made to the Democratic Party Yeah, combine them combine them. Here's how you should have used your money So I took care of it for you and I sent it over to it's very nice I was gonna do this anyways, I want the glory and I want to use this for- That's a double-double. I want to get out of the gifting. Yeah. And what are they gonna say? I mean, you can't say nothing. You can't complain about such a gracious charity. Thank you for helping the kids on our behalf. Do you want to know what they were just doing when they say thank you for that? They're being polite. Yeah. Because they don't actually think anything good about that gift. Yeah. All right. Well Mike you have what your final two picks?

Yep, I got my final two picks here. I know one of them for sure And I will go with can I pause you for one quick second? No We're getting there I don't even see his hand on the button I don't know how he did that so my first pick I'm gonna go with low thread count sheets Those shouldn't exist what are we doing here people that's like one ply what are we doing on pie toilet paper? It's a punishment. You're you're gifting someone a punishment. When will the FDA regulate these things? That's a great question. Not in my country.

The human body should not sleep on that low of threat count. Like it is essentially the donation thing. Like if they're giving you these sheets because they're saying, hey, go drop this off somewhere because this place needs sheets. Goodwill will say we don't accept that. Yeah. They'll be like, no, we have a 500 account minimum here at Goodwill. All right. That's a good one. Low thread count sheets is so good. Good pick. All right. And the two slot toaster. I like the specificity here. It's really good. These are all gifts he received individually. Just being petty.

Did you get China? No. Okay. No. I didn't get China. Thank goodness. We outgrew, we were a little older than that generation. Yeah. Okay. And then the last pick, man, I'm going to go with, I hate, I'll go with this one. It's not that it's practical and we all use them. It's the fact that these things last forever and then you once they just start to stockpile and it's candles. Like this may be me projecting what is happening in the right household.

Guys, we have an entire closet full of candles. You've got to light them all one day. Just burn them out, man. And they just set off the fire alarm. entire closet full of candles. You've got to light them all one day. Just burn them out, man. And they just set off the fire alarm. I have a seance. They just, they last forever and ever and ever. And you're like, no, I just need candle.

Just one, just please, one candle. Do not overload me with all this stuff. That's really funny. This is projecting your house, huh? I have to store. You have a candle closet? I have to store all of these candles now that I will never use.

Does that closet have a nice scent slash smell slash aroma? It's not nice because it's 10,000 different scents combining into one mega structure. Oh, it's the headache of the store. You go into the mall that's got the Yankee Candle Company. What does Yankee Candle smell like? Smells like a headache. It smells like a migraine.

There will definitely be a class action lawsuit in the future from, did you work at Yankee Candle? Yes. Yes. Because that, I mean, employees there, how do they survive? I can't walk past the store. Can you not smell anymore? Did you work at Yankee Candle? That's a funny one. All right. Did you lose your vision? My final one to go along with the painting the political stuff the donation in your name Boy I've got a few That I am I'm gonna go with the gift card to the place. You don't shop at

Okay, because cash cash is king right or yeah, look I grew up I wanted the best buy gift cards and buy could buy some CDs, some video games, that's great. I love that place. But I had a friend that grew up and every single time he had a birthday, like clockwork, $50 to Kmart. What are you buying at Kmart, right? Sure, where is Kmart?

Shorts. Yeah, and now it's nothing. So if you give me a gift card to a place I don't shop at, what am I going to do? Can you sell those in the secondary market? So where are you guys on this? Because I feel like the whole point of gift cards is like, it's a- Slightly more meaning than cash. Yeah. Well, yes. You're like, I kind of know you as a person. I know you enjoy this place, but you're locked in.

You have to go here. I kind of know you as a person. I know you enjoy this place, but you're locked in. You have to go here. So it's been viewed socially as a slight upgrade. And I disagree with that. I feel like just giving someone a $20 bill is actually the better gift. I see what you're saying. And I think in pragmatic situations, you're right. It's definitely a better gift.

You're removing the unnecessary emotion. But like right now I'm putting together gift baskets for my neighbors. Sure. And I had the thought of doing so. Cash? No, I had thought of like, okay, we'll get him a gift card. Where can I get a gift card for? Putting cash in there. Yep. It feels like Not it's not you get if you give them a gift card to Starbucks

You're giving them a coffee and I had to go and get a That extra stuff. I didn't have this in my wallet I can make in a card on a piece of paper buying one at Hallmark Look the handwritten card took you more time and effort, right? But we've moved past that now because... I want to know you drove for me, Mike. But you just make a stop at the grocery store. And every single gift card is there. It no longer is I have to go direct to one specific shop to show my value that I went down to

the steakhouse. No, I went down to Fry's and I was picking up some mac and cheese and I just grabbed this while I was there. But I would give my neighbors a $20 gift card to Starbucks and I was picking up some mac and cheese and I just grabbed this while I was there. But I would give my neighbors a $20 gift card to Starbucks and I would not give them a $20 bill. That would be lunacy. But my point is, that is a social construct that needs to go away. But when I give them a gift card to Starbucks, I'm not saying you can't afford Starbucks.

If I were to receive a basket, I would be so much happier with a $20 bill than a $20 gift card to Starbucks. But I would never give that because it's insulting in one direction. It feels like when you start giving cash, everyone's exchanging the same cash all year long and it's all net neutral. Right? It's your birthday, you give me $20. It's Jason's birthday, I gave him $20. It's your birthday, he gives me $20. It's Jason's birthday, I gave him $20. It's your birthday, he gives you $20. I know. Money's not being exchanged. If everyone gives me $20 on my birthday, I have a lot of $20.

But you gotta give to everybody else on their birthday. But once you use a gift card, that was yours. That was yours. Throw it away. Now what do you think about getting the Visa cards? Those things are the worst! They are terrible. are terrible they never because you can't overspend them right no and there's like a surcharge just to buy it and but is that more effort and they go through it and they put expiration on them is it really yes that's a come on it's ridiculous man just you can't have cash

expire you know what doesn't expire Benjamin Franklin no he doesn't value 10% ever yeah his body but he does his picture never goes out of style Mike you get a or Jason you get a final pick I get a final pick I originally had at the top of my list a plunger but I don't feel like that fits I'm just thinking that's a terrible gift oh it is a cool one to see in the pile. Just wrap it real tight. If it was like an old school like Super Mario plunger, I get that.

But if it's one of the new fancy ones where it's like, just one push of this plunger and you're taking care of your poopy problem. They got new plungers? Oh, yeah. Oh, the plunger technology is advancing at a very rapid rate. Are you serious? New plungers? Oh yeah. Oh, the plunger technology is advancing at a very rapid rate. Are you serious?

Yeah. New plunger? Yeah, I mean, these things... You might want to put new plunger technology. Like these things just take like... Pushes three gallons. Are you talking about like the... You just think about it.

You hold the plunger, you think about that toilet is no problem. Can you guys hook me up with some of this technology after the show? My children, nonstop. Need to be plunged? Nonstop. Can you guys you guys hook me up with some of this technology after the show? Yeah, my children Non-stop need to be plunge non-stop. I think I'm very formidable No, oops. I think is they don't understand the amount of toilet paper that you actually really yeah They're like how many sheets do I need about 35? Okay And he's in a six-ply house so you know makes sense I'm high thread count.

High thread count linen toilet paper. Linen toilet paper. I don't know why I have to unclog my toilet so often. Yeah, and I use the new sheet again. All right, my final pick. I am going to go with baby clothes. Oh. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. But you're not pregnant. You're not pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're saying go have baby. You just got married. Hurry up. Yeah. Hurry. Exactly. Get out of my life. That's funny. Yeah. That's a funny pic. I love it. That was terrible. Don't do that when I open a gift. I Want it. Yes, I for me want it for me. I had some we finished the draft my bonus Possibilities here weight loss equipment. Yeah, I've got exercise equipment I figure shotguns not the greatest thing to give. No no statistically speaking At all marriages the likeliest person if you are ever murder is going to be that person you're married

let's nut do the shotgun a lot of what when I Yeah, we compiled like the bad things were these just super niche Kitchen items like uh-huh Like an electric can opener. You're gonna have, opening a can. Belgian waffle maker. It's not that hard to open a can, but now I have this behemoth taking up like half of my counter space.

Yeah, it's like a, you know, deep fryer, bread maker. Rot bread maker. That's a good one. Like, there's some people, I'm sure you used the crap out of your bread maker. Mine, it sat in a cabinet for about four years and then it got given to someone who hopefully makes bread. Jerry Seinfeld has a funny bit about how the kitchen appliance that doesn't get used eventually

gets moved to the closet and then it goes to its furthest destination which is of course the garage. Yes. And no item has ever made it from the garage back into the house. No because we don't need that many specific items. It is tough though, because when you see them in the store, Oh, they look cool. You're like, man, I'd love to make some snow cones.

How else am I gonna approach the perfect eggs? Right, yeah, I mean, like, we're definitely gonna use this all the time. And then you go down into the cupboards, and it's like, oh, there's that thing that makes ice cream from bananas. Ah, yes, we forgot about that. I don't have a taste for that anymore.

Other free agent items, I've got cleaning supplies, any kind of cleaning, you know, a vacuum, all the household stuff is... Scratchers. I don't know, that could be pretty good. It could be, or it could be someone just throwing money in the garbage. Yeah, well, I mean... Instead of giving you that money. That's true.

But, I mean, would you rather get $5? Because that's what they put into this. Well, I would expect, if it's a wedding gift, it's going to be at least... It's a stack. ...at least $25 worth of scratchers. It's pretty fun. Or a handmade blanket. I did think handmade stuff.

Handmade anything. Well, I've seen a I mean a handmade blanket That's not too bad I made sweater. Here's the thing. I that's a problem I have a few handmade blankets and it's more about like the design or whatever crochet or well and like sewn things from you know My great great aunt type of things and these aren't blankets that I will ever use sounds very thoughtful because you can I? Don't need your thoughts. I need I need your money. I need your comfort. Oh my goodness Brooks you're very anti quilt

No, I'm making fun of Jason there. Oh, yeah, okay, man. Yeah, he sounds pretty terrible on this show doesn't he? Oh, you quilted this for me, grandma. Don't want it go to the store grandma. Yeah, I Know that bank account of yours is piling up All right, well we we were rapping What did we learn today I rumour I What did we learn today? A-RU-MA! Yes. I learned that Al is pretty slow on the finger guns. Not too bad.

And the... I didn't learn anything today, fellas. Okay. You didn't learn the two verbs making it out? Oh, yeah. I forgot. We multiplied together. Now I have relearned the rules of grammar. That was pretty fun. Very mathematical. Thank you, Al.

Thank you, Judge. We'll be back with another episode of the Spitballers next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.