Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Backfloat BMs & Things to Not Cheap Out On - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 14, 2025

Spit Hit for August 14th, 2025:On this show, we muse on reverse ventriloquism, ocean pooping, and sleeping on shoes. We also differentiate some commonly confused things so you can be sure to leave this episode smarter than when you arrived. We finish up the show with a draft of things to not cheap out on. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons Give Life Advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Let's be, boop, beep, boop, da-l-l-l-da-ding-dong. Yeah. Oh, baby. Funny voice is always there in the event of an emergency.

I got a nine from Jason. I honestly think that was my favorite one you've ever done. And here's why. Peeling back the curtain, Spitwads. Andrew Holloway is a wreck. He is a wreck right now. He had no sleep. He had a little sleep on the couch at lunchtime.

Until. Yeah, until I slammed the door. I was going for lunch. I come back. Oh, he burst in like a rhino. didn't expect someone sleeping in our lunchroom. That's fair. That's fair. What did you do to the door?

I just walked in. I just walked in. He jumped through the glass. I left the door behind me to just shut on its own. And then I was too far in when I saw there was a man sleeping in the room to go back and catch the door. So you let the door door door. I let the door door. This is an automatic shutting door.

And so then all of a sudden. So I stopped. But to me. I stop by pause. That was like a bomb drop. And I look over. And there's a. man sleeping with his back to me

on the couch and I go oh I wonder if I could get the bador and then the door shuts and Andy gets shocked awake oh man did you just make the sound effect for a closing door the word door? Onomatopoeia

baby he said bador but my point here is Andy is half awake he took a smelling salt right before this show and then realized I've got the cat yeah yeah and i my brain went to do i have a funny voice see mike mike uh knows my crutches uh welcome in would you rather we all have the same yeah yeah they're the same crutch i'm like can i borrow

those real quick would you rather what's the difference and we are drafting i think what will be a uh i mean we've debated some of these things before we are drafting things to not cheap albinon i mean there are time i mean we've got alborland Nobody likes to save a buck more than Al Borland other than maybe Papa Josh. Oh, Papa Josh definitely saves more bucks than Owl. But they both like to save a few bucks. Al's just willing to gamble those bucks he saved away. But some things you can save money on, and it's great.

But some things, it's better to spend up. And that's what we're drafting today. All right. You can find us at Spitballerspot over on Twitter, spitballerspot.com. And you guys ready? Yes, sir. Would you rather? Jacob, from the website,

would you rather never be able to ride in a car that you aren't driving? I feel like that was a really complicated way of asking that. How would you simplify that? Would you rather, well, when you start, would you rather never? So would you rather have to be a passenger only or a driver only, or a driver only. That is the question. I did it.

He put it this way, never be able to ride in a car that you aren't driving or never be able to drive again. Oh, yeah. But I do like Mike. Mike, you really made that. Can you say that again, Mike,

so that I understand the question. Would you rather always be the driver or always be the passenger? I would rather always be the driver. I am a bit of, I like to be in control. Sure. and it, you know, it guarantees the best person's driving.

I, oh, and the truth shall set you free. That is called, I don't trust y'all. That's what that's called. I also have a history, like I used to get really car sick growing up. So I realized when I drive, I never get car sick. Well, right, but I'm not talking about your preference to drive. I'm talking about your statement that it ensures the best driver is driving. That was more of what we call a joke.

Now, we don't do that here. If I could choose. I will highlight the negatives. If you go out of town and you call up an Uber, you're going to have to say, sir, can you, can you scoot over? I think what you do is, I'm going to handle this. I think you rent a car. At that point, you just, not. I understand that, but if like you're in a place, renting a car is not always going to be the correct decision to make.

This would also mean that you could never go anywhere alone if you're always a passenger, ever. Now, was it cars? Like, can I go on a subway or do I have to take over? You can use public transportation. Yeah, this is just a car. Okay, all right. For me, this is really, really easy. I'm going to drive this bus.

For me, this is pretty easy. Yeah, we know what Jason's answer is. He wants to be driven around. You're darn right I do. You're darn right I do. Do you know how much more productivity I could have? Do you know how much more sleep I could have? Do you know how much more bejewel blitz I could play?

Like, it doesn't matter. I'm gaining time. I don't have to worry about nothing. You're telling me you're not budgeal blitzing on the road? I am not baddial blitzing on the road. I am not baddural blitz. I, I, uh, I try to. You can't secretly go through McDonald's drive-thrus anymore.

No, but my chauffeur, I will be forced to take me there. And guess who doesn't have to order the stupid. stupid, dumb, long Starbucks orders anymore. Me, because I'm not in the driver's window. So Jason, Jason Hurdner says, would you rather be the driver or would you rather be... Have a chauffeur. Have a chauffeur and be infinitely treated by my butler. I'm, you're the, the point of you no longer have the ordering responsibility from drive-thru.

It's pretty good. I had not considered that because that is, like, maybe I'm just, it's me and I'm, I'm internalizing all. That stresses me out so much, man. Dude, I am with you. Because you have your kids back there. And I'm like, hey, what do you want? Oh, that is high stress.

What do you want? I'm in the middle of my order. And then you get the, yeah, the call through. Was that going to be it? No, no, it's not at all. Just hold on. Can you ask them if they have just, you're like, oh my God, tell me. Please just tell me what you want to eat.

By the end of that, I am just murder screaming at my children. What is your order? So this is a normal thing. Oh, yeah, this is. I've never wanted to throw my kids from the car more than when I am mid-order and they're trying to correct me. They've already told me the thing they wanted. And then if I ordered the thing they want, then they're trying to correct the order well. Oh, no, no, no.

Never mind. I want something different. You get what I ordered. I have literally stopped before a drive-through, done the get out of the driver-side car, switch, place. with my wife. I'm like, I ain't doing this order. You're doing, it's always, it's always for a coffee line. Because I don't know the macchiata frapolettis.

I will take a venti, muccocholete. Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, I'm stressed out by that. You should make her hand you a card with it written on it. Oh, but then you got to read it. Oh, I'm not, yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot about reading. Yeah, the whole, the whole car will be like, can we go to Starbucks?

Can we go to, what's the, what's the, what's the, get some starbies? Dutch brothers. Yeah, Dutch brothers. Oh, so you're the people in line at Dutch Brothers. Well, everyone's the people in line of Dutch brothers when I get in the line. But my point is, I hate that so much that they'll ask, can we go? And I'll say, so long as I can get out. Like, I'm not doing that.

So I will get out and, you know, make someone else order. Is this accepted now? Like, your kids just, they know that. They know that usually I'm just going to say no. Can we go to Starbucks? No. Because of the ordering. Do they?

100% because of the ordering. Have, has anyone. volunteered said, hey, dad, can we go to Starby's? I will order. They have not done that yet. That would be clutch, but I don't know that I would trust them because I would also be stressed. Let's say we pull up and I go to the rear passenger window and I roll it down and they start ordering and then they get confused or they make a mistake. I'm going to be way more stress than if I'm doing it. Yeah, I, man, I wish there was some easier way to make all that work with a car full of people. There is. You just order on apps now and then you pull up and you get what was

pre-ordered. Mike, what's your final answer there? Oh, it's, we are very similar, Andy, that I like to drive. I get motion sick and do you drive most of the time? Oh, I drive 99% of the time. I'm a 99er. And it's, and I, like, a lot of the time I actually, I enjoy driving. Obviously, you know, traffic. There's times on road trips where you don't want to be the driver currently. But for the most part, I think it's an enjoyable experience. I agree. And the only time I want to be driven is if I'm in a foreign city that I don't know. Yeah.

And I just prefer, you know, like if I went to New York, just drive me around New York. I would never drive in New York. I've seen those monsters. All right. This question comes in from poopie make poop face. Wow. That's very mature. Your vacation is about to be ruined by some bad Mexican food.

Okay. Would you rather have a day of bubble guts and toilet sprints on your airplane travel day or on the beach? I mean, that's easy. That is no question. That's the beach. That is the beach. Okay. For one, you could dive in the water in an emergency.

That's where we, this is, conversation was going there immediately. And I was going to ask. But number two, I could just skip the beach day and be in the bathroom. Number two. Yeah. Has either of you had to make the boom boom in the ocean? The number two, boom? The number deuce?

Whoa, no. Let me answer it this way. Of course not. That tells me. I know, I've never done it. Oh, you said it like, you said it like you've done it. No, but I'm asking like if I had a situation and I were on the beach and I knew the bathroom was a certain distance away, I'm just, I'm curious. No, like, I'm curious, can you even, can you even do it?

I couldn't do it. Will your body allow it to happen? No, I know for a fact my body will let me pee. I know that, and I love that. If this is ocean, we're not talking pools or water park. That's even hard. It can be, yes. Like, it's weird.

I've perfected it. To let your body go. There's a jumpstart that has to happen. But once the machine's flowing, you're like, yeah. Yeah. This is where I'm meant to be. I'm a fish. I'm like you.

I live here. As the fish scream. but the number two first of all the only way that works the only way that works if that's coming out as a number one you know what I mean like this has to be it's a number three liquid number two because you can't just you got pants on right well I mean yeah you would have to take them down and you'd have to go you'd have to go in far enough yeah to where that wasn't a tide what we call a tide risk well but There's a huge problem.

There's a huge problem. You come in close enough. There's a big problem. You know, if you're too close, I don't think I need to say which problem that is. Right. You know, little privacy issues. Yeah. But you go too far.

Can you imagine trying to do this if you can't stand? You're trying to, you're trying to swim off float. You've got to go back. Oh, dude, that would be. Like, if someone told you that I have to do that in 10 minutes for a million dollars, and I had to go I still don't know if I could get my body to do it If they waited until

If they if you could sit on the beach As long as you need it until it's like The point of no return I got to take a dump I'm going to take a dump right now I can't even hold on to this any longer And they say okay now you have 10 minutes to go out Into the ocean and take that dump

I don't think that ever comes out of me I just don't think my body would The moment you get out of the water It's brah for sure and you're going to want to see that sound effect on YouTube please go basically you're like come out of the water Jason no no I can I ever come out of the ocean can I detour us to a different beach story real quick oh sure I mean it is the spitballish podcast right you for some reason you reminded me of something I just saw and it blew my mind everybody it would be good for

is this real life but I'm blowing it right now because I have to tell this story there's a video. Have you seen this video of the guy digging the hole on the beach? No. I think I know, is it a sculpture? It is a sand sculpture of some sort? No, no, no. This is a hole.

This is a hole that he digs in the beach. Okay. And it is, I would say, it's about, what would you say? Three feet across by three feet, you know, three foot circle. Okay, maybe a little bigger. That's a big hole. It's a big hole. It's a big, circular hole.

How deep? I want to say five feet. Five feet deep. Okay, so this guy was there for a week. Yeah, and there's video of him with the, like, tools, and he's digging it out, and it's a perfect circle-ish, I mean, close to a perfect circle. And then there's all this build-up around it

because he had to dig out. You know, when you dig a hole, you have to take the stuff out. It's like... Oh, Andy likes the story. So there's all this video of him making this, and then they cut to a news clip. And this, you've seen this out. I have, yeah.

They cut to a news clip, and there's his local news channel that has determined that this hole was created by a meteor. Oh, no. And they have a meteor expert out on the beach. Is this a joke? No. He's holding the rock that they claim did this. They're holding a rock that they found down at the bottom because the guy put a rock in the bottom of the hole.

Oh, okay. And there's a meteor, they bring in some local meteorologist or whatever you call meteorologists or no. That's the weather people. Yeah, yeah. A local. Meteor expert. Yeah. And that guy's given all these, well, this is obviously the flat part of the rock that hit the ground.

And this is obviously the part that blew. But this rock is barely bigger than a softball. Yeah, I mean, it's just all made up because you saw the video earlier. I mean, I did of. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That is. And there's this whole news story that's like.

There is something. And people taking pictures with the rock on the beach, like other people. So humiliating about why. watching someone lie when you know it's a lie. You know, you are aware of the truth and then you see someone making it up. Oh, it feels so bad. I want a turtle shirt. I want to hide.

I want to just fold myself inside out because I'm like, you dummy. Yeah, take the time to look it up. It's humiliating. All right. So what was the question? I think what we decided is we're all going. Oh, yeah, we're going in the ocean still because being on a plane with them. That is horrifically nightmarish.

That is literally, literally outside of a plane crash, which is, Jeff, maybe, maybe. I mean, but outside of a plane crash, that's the worst thing that could possibly happen on a plane. Speaking of videos, I had seen a video recently, I just had to confirm remembering it correctly. there was a viral video of on an airplane there was a man who was waiting for his girlfriend to come out of the bathroom and he was going to propose right out of the bathroom well i mean like they're just they're setting it up i got the spot and so there people it was it was the one chance for her to get away where she wasn't

around i don't know but so people are video recording it and she had the bubble cuts. You could hear it? And you can hear it. Yes. So their wedding proposal videos just. Yeah. So.

Did he follow through the proposal? You'll have to watch the movie. All right. We're moving on. Isaac from Patreon, would you rather make your bed from a pile of shoes? What is, wait, what? What?

What? Would you rather make your bed? Oh, make it from a pile of shoes. to sleep on. Yeah, I was like, make your bed. I'm going to cover up in these shoes. Or from a pile of hardcover books. You have an unlimited number of shoes or books to make said bed from.

In addition, you get one comforter, but no sheets or pillows. So the, like, the bed is going to be made. The mattress is made out of shoes or books. It's got to be shoes. It's got to be books. See, I see both sides. And I understand why you would say that because the shoes, there are comfortable parts of a shoe. But the problem is, is the other parts are rubber.

And they, like, don't feel good to have your body, like, scraping again. If you told me to go sleep on a table. Oh, no sheets. I could do it. I'm not comfortable. This isn't where I want to make my bed. But if you said, sleep on that table, I could fall asleep on a table. If you gave me a bed, a mattress, a bed, and you just put a bunch of junk on it, I don't know, like, let's say a bunch of shoes.

Well, no. And you said, fall asleep on this lumpy. pile of hard spots. How do you sleep? I would hope it would be like a ball pit. Like it says you have an unlimited number of shoes. So I would try to build up enough shoes to where it's like a beanbag ball pit, like absorb my body. I feel like if you take enough.

What kind of shoes are these? You got to go whatever kind of shoes you want. Converse chucks. Oh, that's smart. That's actually really smart. So the old soft canvasy. Yeah, but the bottoms are rubber. They are.

But if you put them all rubber down, you know. Oh, you would have. have to, you'll be all right. You'd have to put them a certain way. Yeah, if you arrange it away, I think that you can work it out. Do you get to pick your shoes in this? So you get lumps or support? No, you don't get to pick a pile of shoes. Is it just random shoes? Yep. I was going to say, I had a loophole there, man. Those little footy, those little footy shoes that are just soft everywhere. Okay, well then if it's, if you can't pick your shoes, then you can't pick your books, which means that you're not going to, it's not. They're not even. It will not be

flat like a table. Oh, I could make it even. I mean, no, you can not. Absolutely. I could. Oh, then I could make it even with the shoes. Hold on, but you actually can't. One of these things are a bunch of flat objects that stack like bricks, and one of these are shoes. If it's all random books, there's no way you are going to have a plot of mattress, the size of your body that's not with ridges.

So not only is it not flat, you're going to have like hard ridges stabbing in you in the back. You have an unlimited number of shoes books to make said bed from. I can find books that fit together because here's a cool thing. I am 100% sure that all of my books are rectangles. All of them. Yes. Yeah.

So I'm good. I'm going to be able to shape that together. I don't know. You're not a couple kids' books that are die cut, but otherwise. Yeah. I won't use those. I get to pick my books. You know you don't get to pick your book.

It could be only children's books. So what's, so final answer, shoe, final answer books. Yeah. I think I'm going to be more consistent. I can lift up. You can make a little book pillow, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. But you can make a shoe pillow, too.

Not as easily. Yeah, I'm going books. I know from the website, would you rather have a medium-sized built-in swimming pool with no bells and whistles? Diving board, slide, water features, etc. So you don't get that stuff. Okay. Or a state-of-the-art hot tub.

This is, our answers are going to be different because we're old. Like, I agree. If you were a kid, there's no way you're picking a hot tub. Yeah, if you're a kid, it's the pool because even just a... I mean, an above-ground circle pool you have blast in. Yeah, when you're a kid, you transport to different worlds while you're in the pool. Agreed. For, I mean, if my question is, do I want an incredible swimming pool with all of the things or a state-of-the-art hot tub?

I'm probably still taking the hot tub. For real. Dude, a hot tub. Oh, man. A hot tub at night? The problem is, it's the greatest thing in the world. Like, unless you've got a slide on your swimming pool. Yeah, that's fun for like three slides.

Yeah, like how many times are you going down that slide before you're like, well, I wish I didn't pay 62 grand for that slide. I mean, I will say that, you know, my former house, we had a pool with the, you know, the big grotto in the slide. And I would use a slide. Yeah, you're right, like five or six times in the course of two years. Yeah. But I use that grotto.

I mean, we jump off the, like. Yeah, jumping. Yeah, jumping is awesome. There should be more jumping pools. Yeah, well, 100% because they don't make diving pools like they used to. And when I say that, I mean, they just don't make them anymore. It's like all pools. Is it because I got to go down too far in the earth?

No, it's because of insurance and injuries. Because I would love a cliff pool. Like, it's a pool. But on the side, there's like a, it's like one of those hanging walls that leans out over and you climb up and you can just fall down in the pool. Your homeowner's insurance is going to be pretty price. A buddy of mine, he has. I'll pay for any damages. He has a house that he rented, but it was like one of those 19.

50s, 1960s houses and I went swimming in his pool and man, when I jumped in the deep end and you're doing the move of, okay, I'm going to go down to the bottom, spring out, I mean, as people do when they jump into a pool, I just kept going down and going, I'm like,

where is the floor of this pool? Sorry, to get desperate? Yeah, and it was like, I'm free diving. This is incredible. And they don't make pools like this. And you've got to get there. You've got to get to the bottom. Otherwise, you're, well, not your head is hurting. You're getting the pressure in your ears. But it's one of those things where it's like, it will take you three times as long to swim up from no bottom than to go deeper and be able to jump. Yeah. But it was like, I don't know how deep. It must be 15 feet deep. I mean, like it was. It's a dream. It was, it was so awesome to be able to jump into a pool and or just be swimming in the pool. Like when you're, I know I'm about six foot six one.

And there's not very many pools where it's like... You can't just walk the whole pool. I can tread water. Like, I'm always afraid of kicking the ground. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, they need to make, like... We need to start a pool company. They make, like, lake pools.

Yeah, I'm into that. All right. We ready to move on? Sure. What's the difference between me and you? Me and you. What's the difference between a puppet, a marionette, and a dummy? Well, dummies aren't smart.

That's for sure. Nice. Thank you. Nice. That's what you come to the spitballers comedy podcast for, ladies. A dummy is, like, a dummy does not have strings, right? A dummy has no strings. A dummy is like a only used for ventrullic.

No, I think a dummy is not. so like a puppet you're going to you're going to put a hand in it yeah a marionette you're going to have the strings you're going to be above it and a dummy is just like a doll you you're not you you stick your hand up a dummy no you don't no you don't yes you do you ever seen a ventriloquist before that's how you make them talk that's a puppet that's a puppet that's a puppet no that's a dummy no that's a dummy it's called a ventriloquist dummy a dummy has like full body parts you're you're in your hand it's not like a sock where you're going in up at the bottom here's highway to spell for you ventriloquist dude did you hear how quick i bailed out of the word i can't even say it

they're literally they're literally called ventriloquist dummies yeah they're dummies that's what they are no but they have and you stick your hand right up it they have limbs though where i i feel like a puppet maybe they have arms but you're going it it's like a sock you're going in from the bottom and then and but that's it so okay but a marionette you never insert your hand you're correct the marionette's easy this is this is pinocchio before he's a real boy yeah everyone knows what a marion net is we don't even need that here the real question is what is the difference between a puppet and a dummy now mike is making the assertation that a dummy has full limbs a puppet does not like a puppet doesn't have a bottom half correct and a dummy you need a puppet

theater for a puppet. A ventriloquist dummy, oftentimes they move the limbs with a stick held by the ventriloquist. Yeah, but it's not strings from the top. It's not like you just put your hands into the arms like a puppet and then use your, you're, you're, they got thumb and your pinky. Yeah, they lose, they use, they have longer arms if you're a dummy. So we're talking this is about body parts. It, and I do not want to use a dummy. I don't think you move the mouth of it, of a dummy. Yeah. Oh, you do. Yeah. You don't take the ventriloquist moves to the dummy's mouth? But no one.

I can cast the dummy's voice into my mouth. Watch this. Doesn't it look like I'm talking? Not the dummy? It's a backwards. A backwards ventriloquist. The dummy just makes me talk. And I'm so good at it, guys.

I'm so good. It really looks like I'm the one speaking. So realistic. I've trained for a year. I've trained for a year. Puppets are smaller than dummies. That's what I would say. They are for sure.

But they also like... Did you ever like get into puppets or puppeteerian or anything like that? I did not. Not me neither. No, I really didn't. But they seemed really cool as a kid. We had less entertainment when we were young. So puppet shows seemed cool.

Oh, yeah. You take a sock and put some buttons on it. Well, I didn't mean my house. Like watching them. Oh, wow. Watching the pros. No, I've never You ever gone and seen the pros?

No. No. I neither. I, even like the, the, the big names, I don't know who the, I think there's one big name. What, Jim Hinson? No, neither one of those. I'm talking about like the, like a stand-up comedian. And they're like a, well, who does like ventrilochist.

Yeah, there is one. Yeah, there is one guy. That guy sucks. Oh, yeah. I mean, I've just never found any of, any, like, puppeteering or ventriloquism funny. I mean, that was, that was Sesame Street. that's all puppets that's what jim hinson's sesame street is those are puppets yeah oh those are all puppets so like big bird is considered a puppet no big bird's got limbs i've seen big bird's legs

hmm that's more like a costume that's a mascot yeah it's a it's a costume because your whole body has to go in there for big bird yes yeah for grouch no yeah oh yeah oh actually grouch is a puppet yeah he's a puppet because he doesn't have a bottom half exactly but that but isn't grover considered a puppet um does he have a bottom half yeah oh crap then he's a dummy oh he's a marionette no he doesn't have strings yeah they do but but not from the top from the bottom the sticks yeah sticks are dummies strings are marionettes yeah grover must be a dummy well he was pretty stupid what's the difference between frosting and icing okay oh man we're bringing out the hard once today.

Uh, the difference between frosting, frosting, there's a tea in that word, frosting. Uh, frosting and icing. I don't think frosting can ever be inside of something. Frosting has to be over the top of it. Whereas icing can't, you know, you have, you have layered, layered cake. Iceing layers. You don't have frosting layers, do you? I mean, think about what frost means in, in the world.

It's cut, yeah, there, it's something's. covered. Yeah, it's like, uh, so when you take like a chocolate cake and then you, you have like strawberry frosting because the whole, the whole cake is now red. Right. Because it's covered in frosting, not strawberry icing.

But if you take that, if you take that cake and you cut it in half while, or, you know, you put two together and you put a layer in the middle. And it's the exact same, uh, flavor. No,

literally like you took the same bowl. The exact same. You take the frosting. You take the frosting you're using on the outside. And you put. put it on the in between. Can I be honest? Is that icing in between?

I think they're the same. I think they're the exact same. I don't think there's a difference. I think this is like, uh, some people probably in certain states say frosting and some people say icing. So you're telling me. It's like Coke and pop. Well, there's, those are sort of the same thing.

We go Coke is just a, a brand version of pop. So is, is icing a brand version? No, not in, not in, uh, Midwest. They just call them all a Coke. Yes, I know they interchange the word. But so a cake that's covered in the frosting, like we established that, then what would you call it if you put something on the rim? I had to cheat.

You did? I had to cheat. I had to know. And we're here for the people and we need to. Did we get it right? No, no, you guys are totally wrong. Cheat for the people. I'm still just asking questions.

Okay. But yeah, I'm cheating for the people. I'm a man of the people. Okay, go ahead. Here, now seeing it, it makes complete... Frosting is the spreadable, like, you know, it's thick, it's whipped, it's... So it's on the cake. Yeah, it's on the cake.

That's frosting is basically the... That's when you'd think about like a honey bun or something. Oh, it's dripped onto it? Yeah, like ice... That's glazed. It's drizzled? So the term... Frosting is generally thicker and fluffier than icing, which is thinner and tends to spread more quickly.

So what is gray? When dry. What is glazed? icing hardens. Oh, hold on. Yeah. So icing, you ever make the little sugar cookies and then put the icing on top of them? And that hardens. Yeah.

And it's like a crispy bite. Like an animal cracker? No. Or like the animal, I'm sorry, the circus ones. No. No? No. No.

I'm talking about, you never made like a sugar cookie and then put icing on them? Yeah. I don't know. I put frosting on a sugar cookie. Now that's a good time. That is the. Frosting is better than icing. Let's make sure that's clear.

It's better than icing. And I, I will say. this. One thing I have never seen done before, and it seems like low-hanging fruit. Why aren't we doing it? Let's put some icing on whatever we're making, whatever baked good, and then let's put some frosting once that hardens. Let's have frosting on top of the icing. Can I get an amen? Amen. Thank you. People in their cars gave me an amen. Yeah, they did. What is the difference between a snicker, a chuckle, and a giggle. Okay.

Giggles are higher pitched. You cannot, you can't, ooh, no, that's not a giggle. That's not a giggle. It's creepy. Yeah. That's not a giggle either. That's not a giggle. That's like a cackle.

Yeah, that's a cackle. Which wasn't even in here. No. A snicker has to be at the expense of something, right? I feel like you can't snicker at something. that's not negative. I feel like it's real short. Okay.

Is that a snicker? No, but that's, that's too high pitch. That was a giggle. No, I completely agree with Andy here that a snicker has to be. You can't just snicker. You have to snicker at something.

Yeah, there's not a funny joke and you give it a snicker. No. That doesn't have. I don't know. You snicker at Mike falling down the stairs. Yeah, exactly. Well, why do they call it a snickerdoodle? That's a totally different debate.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry. The icing. Don't distract us. Sorry. A snicker, a chuckle, and a giggle. The snicker is at something.

The chuckle is brief. Yeah, that's what I was going to say, too. A giggle lasts longer than a chuckle. And a giggle is not controllable. You don't choose to giggle. Right. A giggle comes from within. That's why when I'm trying to giggle and when Mike's trying to giggle, we can't giggle.

Yeah, that's why I never sounded like a giggle. Yeah, because it's not real. It's not authentic. Now, if I tickled you, you can giggle. Now, are we sure a chuckle is not like a laugh with your mouth closed? I think you could chuckle with your mouth open. Like, you know, a chuckle's like, ah, ha, ha, ha ha. It's real short.

Yeah, it is. It's a short, like maybe patronizing one of Jason's jokes, we would chuckle. Yeah, what's that? That's a chuckle. Ooh, that was not even all the way there, I don't think. You have to have two of those. You got to have two. That's a chuckle.

Okay. Yeah. And what was the other one you brought up just while we're at it? A cackle. Oh, a cackle is a cackle has an evil intent. But oftentimes, and I believe this, villains will snicker and cackle. Yeah. That's some of their favorite types of laughter.

I would agree with that. Yeah. What is the difference between a living room, a family room, and a den? A den? This has been one of the more complicated things in my life, the living room, family room thing. The living room, the family, and the den. The den is... And we, for the record, two-thirds of us here were licensed realtor.

Yeah. So we have your answers. You do. They're just buried deep down inside. To me, when I picture a den, it is a smaller room. It may have no doors or double doors. No closet. No closet.

And there's no closet. Right. It's not a bedroom. And oftentimes the double doors are open all the time. You could sometimes close the doors to the din. But sometimes there's no doors. And sometimes it's just an archway. I can agree with that.

And sometimes you sit at a desk in a den. A living room, that's the, that's, I know my answer. So here's my answer. A living room, that's where most of the hanging out go. Like, that's where your television is. That's where your couch is. Now, a family room looks identical to the living room, but you're not allowed in it. That's right.

And there's no TV. And there's, there's no TV in a family room. I think sometimes it can be, but only if it's unused. You can't, like, it can't even have, it can't be plugged into something. Like no, no cable service, no streaming service. This is not connected to internet. Can you use it for Thanksgiving? Family room?

The family room? To sit and talk. Only adults. Right. Only adults because there's probably a white couch in there. Fancy pillows. That no one is, that only adults are allowed to sit on. Does it have a cover? Not on Thanksgiving.

You take it off once a year. You say, look at this. The rest of the year, it's a plastic clear cover. Yeah, because the whole room is sometimes sectioned off. Well, because that's where, I mean, you live in the other room. Right. This is not a room to live in. Your living room is definitely.

This is room for the family to be sometimes. Your living room is your TV room. Your family room is, look, I have a house big enough to have an unused room. That's what it is. Is that the true success is how many rooms you don't use in life? But it, I don't, I don't think so. But it's like, it's not an enclosed room. And it has to be very visible and very in the way that you're not allowed to use.

use it. Like I had a friend's house. Like in the middle of like where you're walking in? Yes. I had a friend's house or a friend, you know, went over to their house when we were young and we were headed to their room and I took a step, you know, to go forward into the house. They went, no. No one's allowed to walk through there. Take a different path. Yeah. So they had a room. They had not not a close room, but an area and you were not allowed to walk through it. And I thought, oh, this must be their family room. Right. Yeah. Because no family. is loud It's really

One only family He was not part of the family It's named ironically It is All right Moving on The spitballers draft Today we are drafting things

To not sheep out on And I'm very pleased To have the number one pick Of course Because there is a clear And obvious 101 It's ironic Because the number one

Deals with number two baby because we're talking about toilet paper with the 101. Toilet paper is the greatest thing to not cheap out on in the world. I really hope. Like I knew. We were talking about this before the show. I was telling you there's a 101, a clear 101. I said that you would get it because, you know, we never know.

And I just hoped that you'd let it pass by. But that is the 101. I mean, if there is a product. You pay a price. If there is a product where I'm going to try. travel somewhere. And where I arrive doesn't have a good enough version of the product I want. They're providing it. They're going to say, hey, you know what? This is on us. I'm going to say, no, you keep that crap. I'm bringing my own toilet paper. That's, I mean, that's just how valuable

the gap is. Because I know myself and Andy, if we go on a vacation, we're bringing that ultra soft. I brought an extra role for you, knowing you might have forgotten one of your kind, man. So toilet paper is my answer, Mike. You are on the clock. It is a good answer. Oh, you know what we should have done to build our list? What's that? We should have just gone and asked Papa Josh, how do you like saving money? What, how do you save money?

That's true. He's a single-ply guy. He's a single-ply monster. You don't call that a guy. Yeah. No guys buy single-ply. The only monsters. I've got one word for you.

Where do they even sell? Where do they sell one-ply? I feel like he's got to go to. Yeah, you have to go steal that from a porta-potty. Yeah. All right, Mike, you're up. So I. used to be cheap on this product.

Okay. And things have changed. Things have changed. We've been in the podcast game for quite some time. You get sponsors that come and go. And sometimes the sponsor will send you some of what they're selling because we want you to be able to talk about it authentically. And they don't make you pay for it.

I know exactly what you're talking about. It would have been drafted by me, brother. And since this article clothing has touched my body, I have completely changed my outlook. And it is underpants. A hundred thousand to percent. So far we have two picks and both of them touch the same body parts. Yes, that is true. But it's, they're important gentle body parts.

We are coddling our undercarriages, gentlemen. And I will say this, I cannot tell you the underpants because they are no longer sponsoring the the podcast, so they don't get a free plus. No, no, no, pay up. But if you find them, oh my goodness gracious. It is. It has changed. Like, you're less grumpy when you have good, comfortable

underpants. Let me tell. I'm serious. Can they step in for the one plight? Like, would they be able to? In an emergency? If I had to tear these up and use them, of course I could, because they're baby soft. Since we are no longer active sponsors

and we're not naming this sponsor. And we're very positive towards the sponsor let me tell a story when we first received said product and we looked up i don't even think we had received the product yet but we received the sponsorship yeah they're going to send us some product and we look up this website we go oh my goodness great $35 for a single pair of underwear yeah who's buying this yes i've got 20 of these now this is my life i will not ever buy anything less than these amazing He liquidated his 529s. I have found other ways in my life to save money to make sure that there is a surplus that

handles my underpants budget. Your money is feeling finy. We teach kids in school to invest, to save and invest. This is investing in yourself. Money well spent. Toilet paper and underwear, Jason. What do you got for us? All right.

Well, I've got one, to me there were three, there were the big three and you got the big two now I'm going internal okay you guys are going with what happens on the outside well look you're dealing with the body parts on the outside I'm doing with the body parts on the inside I'm talking about the tum tom and here's where I don't want to cheap out sushi I'm not eating some cheap old nasty raw fish I want nice sushi I want to eat that sliver of salmon and I want to go that sushi great I if you have if you're if you're if you're if you're You're a sushi eater, and you've had, like, cheap sushi, gas station, gas station sushi. Sometimes you can't even swallow.

That's a band name right there. It is as hard to eat as it is to say. So that's my next one up is sushi. Okay. And now, I have never used this next one, Mike. I know you have. but if I were to use one of these things

I don't know if it'll be the same as yours as what you think I'm baffled but if I were to get one I am not yeah yeah oh I am not getting a cheap tattoo artist yes that was it this is a permanent marking on my body it's not on my list but you are so correct yeah cheap tattoo is on my list

Are you a famous tattoo artist for how good you are? Okay. I mean, to trust. No regrets, man. No regrets. No regrets. No regrets. I don't need a budget pick permanently marked on my body that, you know, is just going to look awful.

It was going to be my next pick. It's a great pick. It's a good pick. And it is. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, if you can't afford to get a tattoo. Because tattoos are from a good artist, they are expensive. If you can't afford it, just wait. Do not force the issue and say, no, I found this person who they'll do it for this price.

Don't. That's not the area you want to do. Do not do it. All right. So then I will go, that will take me to my next pick. Do not try to find budget surgery. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Just cheap surgeons? There's all sorts of ways you can do that. Like, you know, I mean, some people do the, the trips to out of the country. It was like, well, I got to go do this because it's going to save me money. And then there, I mean, there's, there are surgeries that you just don't want to mess around. Like, if you're getting, if you get an eye surgery, I would, I'd be, I'd be willing to pay up. Yeah, like LASIC or something. Yeah, that's a good one.

Take care of it. It's, uh, if it goes wrong, you're not going to be happy that you saved a few bucks. You may not even get to be, he might not even get to fight about it. All right. Where is that scalpel? I mean, you hear about that. Like, that's insane. Where, where tools are left in, I mean, like, this happens where a tool used for surgery is sewn back up in the body.

Yeah, that's bad. Although, is that good? I don't think so. I don't think it's good. You can sue them for all they got. And they probably don't have that much. You make it. All right.

Now, I feel like if I'm a doctor and I stitch a scalpel. up into someone's belly or whatever. And they come to me, no, Doc, I'm telling you. There's just, there's something wrong. And I go, okay, I'm going to have a look. I'm going to open you up. I'm going to pull that scalpel up and say, there was nothing wrong. It was everything.

This is the tool I was using. Everything was, hey, okay. You let me know if you're feeling better at a couple days. Because I think I just, I have a hunt. Call it a hunch. Yeah, I don't. Doctor's hunch. I'm sure you don't just go reopen someone up because they say,

It feels wrong. I bet you take an MRI, take an X-ray. And then you look at that X-ray and you go, Oh, you look at that. You push that up on the X-ray display thing, and then you put your hand over that part. It's all good. Yeah, looking pretty good.

Maybe we can get in there and just take a look around. The X-rays, it's not conclusive. I'm going to need a better look. Yeah. All right. So you went with Surgeon. Unfortunately, tattoo and surgeon were my next two picks. So you guys did very well.

I have toilet paper. I'm going to follow it up with a one something I I drink it every day and I look it's the best part of waking up is not

Folgers in your cup I'm going with I'm going with coffee and I don't think you've got to spend way up on coffee you just have to not try to cheap out on coffee

which is the point of the draft so I think coffee's up there and then I'm going to go with boy I'm having a hard time because there's a few that I almost want to talk about them but I'm going to go with a little bit of a left field one here because I have met enough people,

business owners to know the biggest mistake that they make and I'm going to say you don't cheap out on employees. I don't think you cheap out on employees because I love it. I love it.

to pay a little bit more to get a better employee. And that's going to be. Time out. Yeah. Employees. Earmuffs. Yeah. Your movers.

Okay. Continue, Andy. But, but yeah, I mean, if you, I know enough people that are like, they run electrician or plumbing companies or HVAC companies and they can't find workers because they're not willing to pay. They're not willing to pay enough money to get a good person to do the job. So they end up training the same brand new person 57 times a year. So I think employees are something not that you got them.

It is. a fair answer, yeah. Do not quote me on that. I've seen some business and they're like, we can't get people to work for us. I'm like, well, what are you offering? Like, well, yeah. They should want to work for me. Of course they're not going to work for that. What are you doing? Uh, okay, I have, I'm going to, you got underwear insurgents. Yes. And I have no idea what's on Jason's list, but I still have to feel like I'm, I'm playing the game. And I'm going to go, it, I mean, it, it's kind of right along there. with having the good underpants.

Bed sheets. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yes, sir.

That one came out of a sponsor, too. Yep. We were sent some bed sheets. This is the stuff you don't know. If no one sends you stuff that you would never spend the money on. Mm-hmm. And you don't pay for it. And then you go, oh, this world exists.

There are certain. This is a weird show. There are certain things. We're here to be honest with people. There are certain things in, life that seems so exorbitant, so costly, and they aren't always worth it. You know, like I've seen like a couch. It's like that couch is $20,000. Right. It's not, it's not that good. I sat on it. It's like, this is a nice couch. I can get that one for two grand. That

doesn't make the difference. You look at $35 underwear and you're like, that is crazy. Yes, because proportionately, because there's, you can get on like a full 10 pack of underwear for like five dollars or five to ten bucks yeah the problem is is with sheets if you spend more money on the sheet like the the pair that we got sent the sheets we got sent they're still the same quality today as they were three years ago whereas if you buy cheap sheets they get all pilly and you throw them out and you buy cheap sheets 20 times in the same amount of time yeah so i'm telling you once you find a pair of bed sheets that you look at the price i can't pay this for bed sheets I can give

give yourself permission to go in one time and then get strapped those bed boys on and see how you sleep we're going away from just do you sleep in your underwear mic I do oh boy it's a combo yeah you're just living all your skin is protected yeah we're going from the bed sheets are made out of the same

underwear material it's just one material Mike likes it probably is he makes his own bed sheets he just buys more of the underwear sows them together sows them together um so I feel like we're going from you know funny truths like the tattoo artist right

to just truths to just like this is just good advice people uh so I'm like like the bed sheets and I'm gonna go with one where I stopped finally and this is recent which which I think will surprise you guys because you know I'm always like uh I want the the the fancier item or whatever

it was just finally recently and this this wasn't even a money thing. This was a, I'm so doggone sick of replacing them things. Batteries. Oh my goodness. If you buy cheap batteries, you know what you're buying on Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday? More batteries. Yeah. Cheap batteries. They don't last. They are. I've always bought the cheap battery. Oh, stop it. Do yourself a favor and gain time back in your life. Time is money, Andy. Because you're not replacing them. You're not replacing them. you're not, it's, it also, like, okay, guys, we can have this conversation. All right, keep it quiet.

What are you supposed to do with dead batteries? Chuck them over the neighbor's yard. Does anyone know? Oh, wait, wait. Okay, so, I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to go in the garbage. If they're, let me tell you. Which I've never done, no, but. If they're not supposed to go on the garbage.

What am I supposed to do with dead batteries? Don't you feed them to turtles? If they're not supposed to go in the garbage, because I, I honestly don't know, I don't know. This is like. I definitely don't think they're supposed to go in the garbage. Oh, okay. Well, I've never done that. Of course.

I have not. I have not. Yeah. Now, let's get the man on. I have not thrown away 100,000 batteries in the garbage. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't either. But, yeah, our community has, like, recycling events.

So you're supposed to put them in a container and then bring them in. They do it every, like, quarterly. You save the dead batteries? Yeah. Yeah, because you're not supposed to put them in the garbage. It's like motor oil and stuff. You don't throw motor oil. And like paint.

What? No, you're not. I would never. Paint? Are you serious? Yeah, you're not, like a, like if you have a, a whole can of paint. What? I mean, look, look, everyone listening, we don't throw any of this in the garbage.

We don't throw any of this in the garbage. We take care of it responsibly. It's ridiculous that we would never. There's, there are. All these, yeah, we're so environmentally friendly. Super care about this stuff. There's all these, like, rules, but when do they tell you the rules? I'm apparently on the Spitballers comedy podcast, because this is new information for me.

I thought paint was just fine in there is what someone said to me once. I don't, I'm telling you because I don't know. I think you're not supposed to. Well, I certainly know a car. If you're going to do it with paint, just take the lid off, leave it outside for a few days. Let it all dry up. Then you're fine. I will, I have done one responsible thing for sure, which is never throwing a car battery into a trash can.

Nice. Those I know to take Jason's face. I just, I agree. Oh, no. This is, I'm trying to. A car battery you can take in and they'll take them from you. Okay, good, good, good, good, good. I bet the car battery people will take the regular batteries, too.

What if the car battery people just throw it in the trash? Yeah, they just go, whoop, up, over the shock. That concerned citizen feels better about themselves. Now I'll take care of this. We've got special trashes. They go to this special yard. Yeah, I need to, like, Google what I'm not supposed to throw wings. I never learned these things.

Jason, you have to draft something other than batteries. Yeah, yeah. I have to draft something? Yeah, you have a final pick. You have sushi, tattoos, batteries, and then you're not going to cheap out on what else. Okay. I've got two real practical ones here. trying to decide which one one of them i think is more important for the people but i'm not going to

pick that one i'll i'll share that on the on the free agent list after we're done i'm going to pick the one that angers myself if if uh if our home has a cheap version of this i get so frustrated because they are not made the same this is another one of those products where the difference between a cheap one and a nice one actually is different. Very, very different. Very similar to toilet paper, except it doesn't go on your bum bum. It's just paper towels. If you buy cheap paper towels, if you buy cheap paper towels, you are pushing water around.

You are just... Or you're using four times as many. 100%. The commercials are right about that. They are super right. Look, they're not a sponsor, but bounty, you're doing good work. I'm giving you a free shout-out because your product is great. it's the quicker picker up for me i get so angry when we get off brand garbage it's like a squeegee

yeah it doesn't work it doesn't do its job i won't draft it because i don't want to just repeat the same type of things but cleanix is the same way yeah oh you don't get a real clean it say goodbye to your nose i mean puffs they're doing their best but other than those two that's just like i don't know steel wolf blowing my nose into all right uh paper towels good pick Mike your final selection all right um I'm going to go

we'll go with the PSA type of a thing when you're trying to figure out where in your life you're going to save money do not do it here presence for your spouse oh smart make sure

smart look some and sometimes it's not even just the item Sometimes they need to know that, like, I financially care. Yeah, I got you a Louis Vitan purse. It's really nice. Louis Vitan? Yeah. Have you ever, has anybody ever tried to, like, give the cheap gift and then say,

now I saved us a lot of money here? Yeah, see, that's, that doesn't work. There's going to be spouses out there that, that they will. They will appreciate that. But for the most part, that's not where you want to cut corners. Yeah, be willing, be willing to pay a little bit more. than you're comfortable with. Well, then I'll close it out with, uh, I have toilet paper coffee and employees.

And I'm going to close it out with a criminal lawyer. Oh my goodness. That's a home run pick. Oh my gosh. That's the one-on-one. That is the best. I mean, amen. Yeah.

I mean, if I'm going, if I'm being charged or something, I'm not going cheap. I have thought about. I'll figure out how to pay for it later. I mean, like, it, in, it, and, it's, in, it, I'll commit another crime. No, no, no, you don't have to commit the crime. Sometimes people are wrongfully accused of a crime. If I am wrongfully accused of a crime, I don't want to be found guilty for.

I think about that all the time. Like, the difference in lawyers are enormous. You get a bad lawyer, and it's like they're just going to cut a deal. You're like, but I didn't do it. But yeah, but they can find you guilty. It's a better thing to do. It'll go off your record and blah, blah, blah, blah. How often do you think about this?

No, I have just. Every couple hours, just, you know, every couple hours, I'm always, you know, really, really worried about getting away with all these crimes. But, like, no, the reason that I think about it is because, you know, we're in the sports world and you see celebrities and athletes and they always get away with the, you know, whatever they're doing because they have these crazy expensive lawyers. And you just think to yourself, like, if I was in that situation, pay it all. Take my entire bank account. Just, you know what I mean? Your freedom is worth all of it. Yes, it's worth all.

Like, you know, it's like we were joking at lunch the other day about electric companies. And about how if they were not regulated and they could just come to you and be like, we decided to change our pricing. We want half, whatever your salary is. Just show us your pay stuff. Yeah. We'll take half. You would be like, okay.

Yeah. I have to have power. Yeah, you need power. And so that's what like the lawyer. to me. That is a brilliant. That was not on my list. That is a brilliant pick. Don't cheap out on criminal lawyers. No, don't. And some final consideration, some honorable mentions to throw out there. You said sheets. So I didn't want to say mattress, but mattress is definitely on the list. Pillows. Yeah. Helmets of all

kind. I imagine you just, I just think, figure, any helmets, you probably want to spend normal money. I would say safety devices. Anything safety. Like, yeah, any safety thing. Carsey. Oh, child care. Child car seats. Yeah. Yeah, I saw on a list of babysitters. Oh, yeah. You want a quality person.

I've got haircuts. That was the one. Yes. Yeah. That was like pay for a good salon. I'd rather get a haircut less often. Yeah. From a good haircut.

Absolutely. Paint? Have you guys used cheap paint? Oh, cheap paint's bad. You got 20 coat that thing. You pay five times as much for expensive paint, but that's one coat. Okay. All right.

Got anything else, Mike? Uh, no. Yeah, no, that's good. What did we learn today? Uh, nothing when it comes to throwing stuff away. Yeah. Because we already knew all of those. Right.

Yeah, I knew about the rules. The rules about garbaging batteries. Pooping in the ocean is, it's impossible. Ooh, you did learn that, didn't you? The biggest thing I learned, which is the only thing I'd didn't actually know coming into the show because we usually pretty much know everything is what icing is and it's hardening, non-spreadable, delicious sugar. Yeah, hardening frosting.

That is it for today's episode of the spitballers pod. Thanks for joining us back with another episode next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod. com.