Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Barbicide Braces & Things That Instantly Make You Feel Fancy - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

On today’s show we talk about having dentures, muting our family members, and relentless hiccups before jumping into another fun round of Man of the People. We shut it down with a draft that requires a tuxedo just to listen. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A bit of boot da, bum, bra, p-p-to-ch-ch-paw! Barely gets the headphones in? Just the last second. I didn't know I was scatting. Yeah, you did. Well, I mean, I knew.

You just didn't know it was coming that. quick. I didn't know 30 minutes ago. How long has it been? It's got to be months. No, clearly no practice between men and now. No, I haven't given it a thought. But, man, I didn't know.

What a normal scab for you. Yeah. Yeah. I hope. I hope it's my last for many months. You just didn't. You didn't sell it the way you normally sell them. You weren't able to get out there and get, you know, hit the streets. You hit the button. I didn't have earphones in. I was scrambling.

Honestly, I thought they were in. I'm my bad. No, it's fine. That's how I believe that he forgot he was up. Yeah, I mean, that's possible. At lunch, we did not receive a, like a, oh, I would have offered. Yeah. We didn't have a desperate man. Let me take this lunch for you guys. But you did it. I mean, congratulations. Any newfound love for it? No, none. I, again, I hope to never do it again, and it's open bidding. Welcome to the Spitballers episode 370. That's a lot of shows.

That's so many. We've got. Good work, everybody. Would you rather? Man of the people. And then we are drafting things that instantly make you feel. You know, fancy. Jason more especialia.

Yeah. A fancy boy, a boozy boy. I'm very excited for your answers because I, feel like they won't be my answers? Maybe, maybe not. But I know the things that make me feel fancy. Have they changed over the years? Yeah.

Yeah, I would say they've changed over the years. I mean, you know, 20 years ago, what made you feel fancy was like, this is heavy silverware. Taco Bell. I don't mean over time. I meant for you. Like there was a time when you probably thought certain things made you feel fancy. Maybe you're standing.

I mean. Oh, that's what I mean. 20 years ago for me, I would have said like... You would have said heavy silverware 20 years ago? Oh, okay. I'd have been like, whoa, this is a fancy place. This was this way of pound? Now I'm like, okay, this is silverware.

Come on. We can do better. We can do better than that. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, this is why it's a Jason special. Oh, that gave me a new... I'm going to put one on my list. All right.

Was it silverware? Related. Okay. All right. Jason. Silverware adjacent. But we'll get to that. Let's start with some of you rather.

Would you rather? All right. Well, this is like a bad dream. Would you rather have all your teeth removed? Oh, stop it. We're dinsures for the rest of your life. I've had most of mine removed, so inadvertently. How many more are you got left to?

I've actually only got one implant. Isn't that hard to believe? Yeah, but I mean... All the rest are just real teeth. They just come and go? They come and goes, they please. It's a real... I keep open mind about...

my teeth. They're not really my teeth. No, it's, they belong to the world or to whatever candy I'm eating in the moment. Would you rather have all your teeth removed and wear dentures the rest of your life? So you got dentures. Okay. Or you keep your existing teeth, but you got to wear braces the rest of your life. Braces are.

Oh, wow. Races are. I mean, the dentures will look good. The dentures look fine when they're in. They look like perfect teeth. They can look. They can look a little bulky. They can uncanny valley, though.

where you're just like staring at someone's teeth like no you don't got the fancy ones jason they're something's too good i would imagine that these that we would not be getting rax ryan's yeah well those aren't dentures but they still are a problem i i would imagine for this question they look really good okay the point here but you have the they come out absolutely they have to come out you're going to have to like take them out and put them in the little i i don't you like dunk it some formaldehyde. Yeah, something that cleans it. You don't have to brush your teeth.

You just put your teeth in the thing while you sleep. It's like a retainer cleaner, yeah. And then, but braces, you're never going. What's that blue stuff at the barber that they used to have? They don't have that anymore. What happened? Do you guys remember this? That was sitting on the counter in the glass?

When I was a youth, when I was a youth, when I was a youth, my, I would, my haircuts, my, my mom would bring me to some salon. It was called blondies. And I remember there was like blonde, I'm sorry, a blue. It's a tube of blue liquid. And it would have like the combs and, and, you know, sanitize it. Yeah. I do remember that.

What in the world is it? I have no idea what's in it. But my barber has one of those jars with the blue stuff and all the cones are in there. I think it's Kool-A. I feel it's been deregulated. Your barber. I mean, he may be unlicensed. That's what I'm saying.

Unlicensed barbers. They're running wild. Well, that used to be. be everywhere. Now it's gone. Invented in 1947. What is it? Barberside. Oh, Barbicide. Dude, that's good. That's real good.

This is Barbicide. Ain't nothing surviving the Barbicide. EPA registered germicide. It's probably alcohol mix with blue food coloring. Fungicide, biricide. It's specifically formulated to kill harmful bacteria viruses and fungi while utilizing an anti-rust

ingredient. Wow. And now why do we not use it. Well, some people still do. The iconic blue looks. I think because maybe we don't make our barbershops to what we used to. They're not as, you know. Barberset. It says it's an EPA registered hospital grade disinfection and is still widely used in the industry. You can get it right now on Amazon. They just don't put it. Not a sponsor. Barberside. They don't put them on at gray clips. They're not using the barbicide.

You're telling me, I can go buy a bottle of barbicide right now. You can get it right now, $14.99. Not a sponsor. Barberside. Barbicide. Yeah. And I don't know if we should put our dentures in barbicide, but probably. Probably not. They're not going to rust. Just rinse them afterwards.

Look, I want the dentures. The dentures are, you know what they mean? Hepatitis B and C? No problem for barbicide. No problem. No. Barbicide. Dude.

I want the, I will never get a cavity again. I will never break a tooth again. You could still do it. I can get a replacement dinsure. I can keep a backup denture. That's true. I think dentures are the way to go. I don't want, dude, braces suck.

Braces. By the way, barberside looks like it belongs in your pool with the chlorine. The problem with... When I'm looking at this picture. Braces. Anything with side of the end is not good. Braces look totally normal. Totally normal.

Children. On a youth. And a teenager. Adults with braces is... It's tough. It's tough. It's tough. And I don't want to put it.

anyone on blast if you're an adult and you're getting braces good for you um you should look into a visit line but uh not also not a sponsor but genuinely adults shouldn't have braces my wife had to do braces she did that's right she did but but but during like it happened during covid so it was like the ultimate time for a grown up to have to do no one's seeing anybody literally i i can't see you you're like why is it the covid yes yes it's not my braces and it's right it's right Horrifically embarrassing. I think that's... Did she opt in for the metal braces over the invisible line?

She... Or was that what she needed to have? She had to have the metal braces. Sometimes that happens. Yeah. There is... And does you go to first grade during that year? Yes.

Okay. Billy Madison style. One week per... That's good. You get braces solely to straighten your teeth. There's no other reason. There's no other benefit. That's...

This man is genius. I'm just saying if you list out the pros and cons and you wanted to make a T-chart, you put pros on one side and con... on the other. The pro's side is entirely straightens teeth. The end of list. Right. There's no other benefit. No. Well. And then there's all sorts of... Unfortunately, I mean,

it was, she was having a problem where, like, her tooth was going to break through her gum at the bottom of it. And did it straighten that out? So she needed to straighten her teeth? Yes. Straightened teeth. But it was not a, this was not a aesthetic straightening of the teeth. That was a medical straightening of teeth. Yes, it was a medical.

was straightening teeth. But I'm just saying there's, there's a difference between the... Are you telling me there's... I got gapy teeth. Because I didn't wear my retainers. Sorry, mom and dad. So would you say there was a different benefit? Well, there's health reasons.

Yeah, sure. Like, if you need to straighten them for health reasons. I'm just saying you're not going in there. You're like, I got to get these wrinkles removed for medical reasons. Are you saying that dentures have multiple benefits? Absolutely. Absolutely. You already said many of them.

Many of them. You're not getting cavities. you aren't going to break a tooth you're not going to stain your teeth. Your teeth are going to be perfect as far as like they are literally made to look nice. You ever seen gap tooth dinsures?

No. No. This one's a little cheaper. You want straight teeth. This is a more natural look. We put a little yellow on it just so that people don't know. Your front teeth is just it's a little gap.

Yeah. It's a little gap. If you really want to save money, go to the buck dude. The buck tooth dentures. They're practically good. They got bogo on that, you know. So my point is, someone thought this was a good idea. There are a lot of advantages.

Obviously, the downside of dentures is much worse. The worst case scenario, these coming out at an in opportune time. And I can't imagine they ever feel as secure. No, I can't. As your real teeth. You're going to end up. I mean, a birthday cake? I mean, I've never seen a nemesis such as dentures versus blowing out the candles of a birthday game.

Never blow! How is it that they, like, whatever grip. You can chew with them, but you can't. Whatever grips it to your gums, like, whatever you do, don't exhale. It's directional. These things will not come down, but they can go forward. I think I'm with you, Andy. You've got to take the dentures here.

Plus, you could customize them. You can get a grill. Oh, for sure. Yeah. You can customize it. What would you do, Mike? So I had the gold braces when I was a youth instead of the silver ones. Purple and orange.

I went Phoenix Suns. That's your rubber bands. But you're saying the actual braces were gold? My actual brackets were gold. Oh, my gosh, Mark. Yeah. Well, I know what you're drafting first for things that make you feel fancy. It cost exactly the same.

Golden braces. I've never seen golden braces. They were not made out of gold. Oh. So you opted for gold. No, they were just like, hey, you can do silver or we have this new gold. old and I'm like, well, I'm going to try that. I can Scrooge McDuck.

They look just like regular braces. How long did you have to have? Oh, well, the ortho was like one year tops. Oh, yeah, they always, yeah. They always undersell. Four years later, getting my, getting my braces up. Yeah, I was four years on my braces.

My daughter just got hers off yesterday. Oh, well, it turns out she didn't brush her teeth well, while she had them. Oh, well, good. Because who does? What? When they're like, wait,

okay, number one, we've talked about this before. I'm never flossing. Dennis, go away. You're saying you're never doing it. That's not true.

You have a water flosser that you use every day. Okay, thank you. I floss with, yes, natural. I'm saying back in the day before those existed,

they were like, you got a floss. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that. And then they put metal, just giant jagged pieces of metal and a wire. And they're like,

now you need to take this, uh, just tiny like a threading needle like a little tiny toilet brush and then you have to thread that between each individual bracket guys no one's doing that

are you joking you know how many of my brackets get a teenager just to brush their teeth would break off all the time and then you're jamming like it is the most what are they doing it's a medieval thing it is it is it's one of those things oh we use the metal they moved her mouth around the two things that I've always thought we would look back on someday hundreds of years from now and be like you know how people used to have corsets they would break their ribs and they couldn't

organs are getting all mushed together that's like that's braces where you're you're squeezing and I've also thought the same thing about milk there's like wait you you drank another animals yeah but it's delicious oh I know it is I'm all in on milk but I feel like someday they'll be like human beings savages human beings used to take these animals pregnancy juice and they would drink it's weird man I have a lot that I could get into on that. It is very weird. Anyways, I'm going to, I'm going to, if you got braces, just switch your mouth with barberside.

You'll be fine. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going, I'm going, I'm seeing a gallon of it available for $25. Are you picking it up? You also have to buy the glass, the glass like jar. It looks fancy in the glass jar. I see a sanitizing, disinfectant glass jar marked down to 1995. Oh, yeah, that's a good deal.

So look, $45. out the door. Out the door? Guys. For barberside. How long does barbicide last as an disinfectant? Oh, infinity. You can dip your combs in there for a year?

You can disinfect your disinfectant with barbicide. Some people bore bleach in it to clean it out. Clean the bleach up? Barberside. There's just no way barberside wasn't invented. 1949. Oh, you said 1947? I believe so.

I mean, yes, 1914. Anti-rust. formula. Germicide, pseudomonicide, fungicide, and viruside. All the sides are covered.

You've covered all four sides. Would you rather? The anti-rust is just the, that's the, for our metal combs. Because they put the scissors in there too. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Don't want them to rust. That would be embarrassing. For sure. Would you rather have a remote that can instantly find anything missing in your house? Yeah. Or a remote that

can mute any annoying sound in your home for 30 minutes. Do people count? I feel like we... Once a day? Is this once a day? I don't remember this one. I don't think we did it. And yes, people count.

How many times in a row can I do this? Just once? Just once a day for 30 minutes, it looks like. I think once that 30 minutes lapses, you can... I can re-up? Let's say it's got a one-hour cool down. Is it like one at a time, though? Which of your kids are getting this?

Yeah, that's what I mean, like one child at a time? Yeah, you can't meet more than one thing. Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine when they're coming in with their teenage bullcrap and you're like, mute! See in 30 minutes.

Yours talk to you, huh? Please yell at me right now. I would, wait, they don't talk to you? I would love some teenage bullcrap. I would love them to stop talking to me. With the mute. We need to swap ski. How many things are you losing in your house?

I currently can't find my wallet. I have been looking for days for my wallet. Oh yeah, you lost your wallet. It's so weird to not have a wall. I'm walking around and I feel naked because I'm always, you know, you get up. The balance. You have the balance. You get up and you tap your pockets.

And you're like, I got my phone. I got my wallet. I'm good to go. And I don't have it. And it feels so awful. What kind of wall you got? That's nice. You got the clip, right?

It's pretty nice. It's not very, you know what? Because I got one of those. A fancy boy has a fancy wallet. I got influenced on the IG, you know, the metal, whatever. I got that thing. You know what's on mine, though? Air tag.

Yeah, because you're not dumb. I need it. I had one once, but it died. Like the battery ran out and never replaced it. Then he couldn't find it. Yeah. Didn't you also just find your glasses that were missing for like two weeks? Yeah.

I did find him, though. I think Jason needs this remote. I'm definitely going remote, guys. This is great. And it's not just for me. I lose stuff every now and then and right now. My wife loses stuff every day. Okay, hold on.

So this is wonderful. Over under. I'm going to set the bar real low. Okay. It's just per day. Over under. 0.5 times you have to find my somebody's device. Over, for sure.

Okay. I knew it was going to be too low. Now, when you say somebody's... Anyone in your house? No, but you could just say my wife's because it's the only one I do. I'm not trying to attack your wife. No, that's fine. I just don't want my kids...

My kids... You think they have their phone away from them for more than nine. like what? I will say I agree with that but my daughter loses her phone all the time. No, though why for some reason, like I think it's just a natural thing that happens with men and women with the phone. Like all of our pants just fit the phones. Yeah. Because we have, but women's don't. We have pockets.

And so my wife is constantly trying to answer calls for me on her watch, which just drives me insane because she'll hear nothing. Hello? Hello? Hello? And I'll be like, are you on your phone? I don't have my phone. I can't comprehend not knowing where your phone is or not having it. At least she has a watch where she can find her phone with it.

Oh, a second. Wait, wait, wait, but the watch finds the phone. I know. Yeah. But then you need the remote to find the watch. Apparently. This is a lady who swallowed the fly. Fly situation.

Yeah, I would love to find my wife. So if my wife's snoring, I can mute in 30 second intervals. 30 minute, yeah. Not saying she snores or anything. Is she the snore problem? I'm trying to take it up. I'm trying to take it up. You just recently said you have for the first time of your life started snoring.

I owe her 20 years. I owe her 20 years of snores. Oh, so this is payback. I'm just starting. I haven't even worked into my best snore yet. I haven't even begun to snore. I haven't even perfected my snore yet. I'm trying to all sorts of sounds.

Try to find my tone. velocity. Yeah, I mean, I got all sorts of stuff. She had deferred her loan, but now it's over. Yeah, she had a 20, I mean, we're married 20 years next month, so I were 20 years and we're even on snores. All right. Which I am picking it up. I got some tips for you. Do you?

Yeah. I think it involves a machine. I don't want a machine. No, no, no, no, no. Tips to snore more. Oh. Yeah, to really pay her back. Alcohol. That helps. Fast food. Basically just do all the unhealthy things. You got a list for me? Also, stop working.

out, man. Yeah. If you want to if you want to really pay back. I'll take the mute button. I'm going to find my everything. I need both of these things, but I think I would personally, I would just take the mute. Would you rather have a rapid series of five

sneezes every time someone says your name? What? Or get the hiccups every 10 minutes, or for 10 minutes every time someone touches you. which Mike is no Mike is afraid because he's had some hiccup issues I have had multiple would you call him a hiccup attack

I think that's fair I think you've been riddled with hiccups before multiple times throughout my life I have had the hiccups for over 30 minutes yeah but this says 10 minutes 10 minutes and you know it's over yeah but at the 10 minute mark is when

you're ready for not even 10 someone comes up and touches you Oh man. I mean, you just got 10 minutes more. It would make... What in the world is this question? 10 minutes of hiccups would be really bad. If you've never done 10 minutes of hiccups, you have no idea what you're in for.

And honestly, you could say, you can make the argument on one side. How often do people actually come into physical contact with you? Like, I can avoid people if I need to, right? But the situations where you can't avoid people and there is physical touch are probably the worst times. You know, when you have to give a hug. Right. Or when you're in, you know, an intimate moment. Sure.

Sure. It was like, that would be rather unfortunate. You know what I mean? That would have like forever a big problem. I would pay any amount of money to not have heard that. Yeah, baby. You heard it. Five sneezes.

Sometimes I sneeze so violently that if my wife knows. one of my sneezes is on the way. I mean, she will literally try to get away from me and cover her ears. Like, it's loud, it's violent. Your sneezes are loud? My sneezes are loud. Wait, you don't have that sneeze yet? No, I have not activated? I have not. Because I, on, no. Oh, yeah. That's not the, ah, true. And he blew the house down. You don't, you don't, you don't, dragon ball Zee when you sneeze. I'm trying to blow my eyeballs out covering this thing up. Wow. No, we can't, I can't do that. I have a headache after they're done.

I mean, it's like you've been through a roller coaster. You got to go to the chiropractor. Man, intentionally or unintentionally, I just don't think I can live with the hiccup thing. I think I have to take. No, I'll do the sneezes. How many times is my name being said? Andy, Michael Jason.

Oh, crap. Oh, yeah. It happens. Wait, so every time I'm, I'll take the five sneezes. I introduced the show I sneezed five times. Yeah. I'm still going to. I'm still going to take the sneezes.

All right, we'll take a break. We'll get into some man of the people. Man of the people. All right, it's the game we play, Man of the People, where Al Borland has combed the streets of Arizona, which is really hot outside, but he went out there and he found some people.

He did it. Pulled hundreds of them. Did you guys ever do a mallpole? I did a couple times. Back in the day when they were like, we're going to give you $2 or whatever. Yeah, yeah, the movie ticket. Coming to this back hallway.

Yeah. Take our survey. Yeah, there was secret rooms back there. It was weird. Which is, like, hilarious. Now, imagine someone asking your children now to do that. Oh, no. And you'd be like, stranger danger.

Absolutely not. Yeah, and we were like... That's what I was doing. That's what I was doing. Movie tickets. Yeah. So, uh, we are playing five rounds. Seven rounds.

Seven rounds? Eight rounds. Is this game keep getting longer? Why does in the scoreboard? It's, okay. Seventh round is double points. We changed it live on the screen. That's impressive.

So Al, why don't you tell everybody how easy this game is? Yeah. If you get the number one answer on the board, it's worth three points. If you get the number two answer, it's worth two points. One point for any other correct answer that's on the board. Seventh round is worth double. Yeah. He was so excited to explain the game.

Who won last time? I don't recall. Cool, man. How do you not, how would your fancy, fancy chart here? How is this not in here? I'll get there. All right. starting round one. Go ahead, Al.

Name something. The doctor begins to check as you get older. Prostate. Prostate is the number two answer. Oh, man, that would have been bad if it wasn't on the list. Calestrel? Oh, that was my answer. Calestral is the number six answers. Oh, good.

What? Mike was super offended about it. That's all they care about. For you. That's all they care about, man. Jason. What do they check when you're getting older? they check your See he doesn't even have an answer They check your blood work

Oh man Man I'm guessing heart's number one Heart was number one Blood pressure is on there But not blood work That's not what I was saying Okay thank you No Jason was saying cholesterol

He just fell on his sword Yeah that's that I get zero points Bravo Jason No no no Six So give me the list What's the list? Are you heart prostate

Are you talking to 20 year olds Heart, prostate, blood pressure, colon, vision, hearing, cholesterol. Oh, Mike. Vision? Mike. That's a whole different doctor. Just wait. It's still a doctor, Mike.

No, it's not. High doctors are doctors, too. No, no. You're not. One round, completed. Through the first round. That's an optometrist. Mike has one point.

Jason has no points. We are on to round two. None of those people have ever been to a doctor at the age of 40. Name something. A teenager couldn't live without. Oh, gosh. Cell phone. Yeah.

That is the number one answer. Yeah. Oh, man. Car. That is the number three answer. Friends. Not on the board. Who are you talking to?

People in the mall. The last one I took zero on purpose because I deserved zero. I deserve 20 years. I was like, oh, crap, Chase got the number two. Yeah. Oh, I didn't think that was right. We had cell phone. We had computer.

We had car. Music, TV, money, and clothes. Computer? Like gamers? I don't know. Streamers. What is this? I didn't do this survey in the night.

Computer makes sense. Carphone? When did you ask these questions? Yesterday. No, you didn't do it? You're asking toddlers. Okay. So we, I mean, I like the way it's going so far.

So wait, what's the score? Zero for me. Let's see. Andy got three on that and Mike got one. one. Yep. Sorry, normally I have Josh here keep the scorcer. That's okay. Just make sure. Wait, we have someone else here.

You have an assistant here. You got, how useless is Matt? What are you? Matt, what is it? What would you say you do here? What is it you do? What are you doing? You're just listening to the show? He's running our cameras right now. Oh, he's running.

He was running him poorly because we're talking to him and he didn't go to Deucer's Alley. So the one job he has, he was doing poorly. I didn't mean to throw you under the bus. No, I did. Did he answer the doctor question? They surveyed 100 people and no one knew what he does here. He was one of the 100.

Yeah, because of course, they've never asked him about his cholesterol. So what is it that you'd say you'd do here? All right, round three, let's rock and roll. Round three, name something that a king had, but most men don't. A crown. Crown, not on the board. What the hell? It's the number one answer.

Oh, okay. I was like, come on. Oh, I believed it. Oh, my God. That's good. I was going to revolt. Oh, I don't even. I would say a robe.

A ringly robe. People have robes, man. Not on the board. Not a kingly robe. A castle? A castle is the number two answer. Yeah, baby. That's way better.

Yes. The fact that you got Jason that good. Oh, and you got me. I couldn't even believe that. wasn't on the board. All of a sudden it's become a game. We have Andy with five, Mike with four. Because I said Rome. Jason with three. And we're moving on.

The answer is where Crown Castle, a queen. What about a jester? Throne, riches, servants. Okay. And command or ruling. No scepter, huh? No scepter. Okay. On to round four. After a week of camping, what luxury Oh, this is weird. Worded funny.

I mean, no, whoa, no. What No, no, stop, stop, stop. Toilet. You have to answer now. Toilet. Toilet is the number four answer. Oh, dang it. Shower.

That is the number two answer. Okay, read me the whole question. What luxury in your home are you most excited to have again? Oh, I would have said toilet. Your bed. Yeah. Number one answer. Yep.

Waiting. I see. So, Mike got three. I got the second. You guys got to know how to play. And you got two. Jason got one. I didn't.

I didn't wait, but I still, after that question, I would have said toilet. I would have thought people want to be able to do, do that. at home. Which I would have agreed, but you answered that, so I got the number one answer. Yeah, I mean, Mike did kind of win now. That's how you do it, maybe. 7-7 to 4? That's correct.

Oh, it's competitive. And the answers were bed, shower, TV toilet, electricity, air conditioning, and computer on the board one more time. So, four of a TV toilet. Four rounds three to go. I need my computer. On round five. Name a complaint a pregnant woman might have. They're in pain.

Back pain Back pain number two answer All right, yeah Hungry Hungry number three answer Oh Nauseous Oh, that's a good one

Morning sickness number five answer Yeah Okay, do we all get one? No, no, Jason got two Oh number five What is number one? What was number one? Their clothes don't fit

Their clothes don't fit, so close Yeah, there you go Clothes don't fit, back pain, hungry, tired Morning sickness, swollen feet and cramps I'm glad you came to us the most. Yes. The people who know the answers to these questions. So Mike and I got one, Jason got two.

Oh, crap. Let me just ask this question. Who's the person actually putting the scores on? Who's doing the math? I am. Okay, good. That's fine, because Matt's doing it slow. All right, two more rounds.

All right. Name something that a couple often does once the kids move out. Vacation. Travel number one answer. Boom. So good. I'll say downsize. Downsize is the number three answer.

Visit the kids? Not on the board. We had... We just got rid of them. Travel number one, remodel the house number two. Downsize number three. Rekindle romance. Number four, throw a party or get a divorce.

Oh, oh. Rekindle the romance or see a lot. Later, I feel like my answer was better than that. Have we ever had a match this close? It's 9 to 8 to 9. Oh, man. With one round left. And we were going into the final round worth double points.

I came from behind. I started with a double goose. Yeah, the double points is almost irrelevant. Irrelevant. Thank you for repeating. Last round. What occupation might someone have if they carry a folder marked top secret? No, no.

That's gone. That's garbage. I do wish I had stopped reading. Well, we should have to compete. What do you mean? You should have to compete. FBI agent. Mike, we should get out of this thing.

I want to find another question. Thank you. Thank you. Because it goes, do, do, do, do, do. And, I mean, the way a game like this should work. If he had not said top secret at the end, you wouldn't have known what the crap to answer. It would have been lawyer and it would have been lower on the list. Yeah, whatever.

Top secret lawyer. Find a new question. Yeah. He knows it. you got to go one ear out so you can hear him but we can while you're looking up that question mac can tells what he does here yeah have you figured it out falcon why don't you what kind of stuff he did he did you can switch to be fair to him he wrote in he's like we need a new question guys he did write that yeah what an integrity or mike um new question well he surveyed so many people

he's putting the data together he's got a count it right now Bip-p-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. All right, we're going to go with this one. Name a drink or food that can be eaten either hot or cold. Coffee. That's the number three answer. Pizza, baby! That's the number two answer.

What? Sandwich. Not on the board. Oh, come on. That wasn't that bad of an answer. T? That is the number one answer. Gusting.

it's. Dude, I was sold back and forth on tea and coffee. Oh, really? Yes. No one's ever had a pinini, huh? A little meatball sub. If we're talking to the same cholesterol non-answerers, they have not have paninis. Tea wasn't on the board for me after you said coffee. It took the drinks right out of it. Yeah, I'll tell you. That makes Jason. Jason's the man of the people. This week's man of the people. After starting in a hole. 11-0 to hero. 11-99. Wow. Oh, impressive, Jason. All you had to do is, like, buzz in early. Yeah, it helped.

No, that was impressive. Was FBI agent number one? I don't recall. Oh, is private investigator, police officer, lawyer, politician, soldier. You should have just kept it, man. IRS doctor. Oh, he wasn't even on the board. Oh, thanks for the new question.

Mike, we put it. Yes. You can't reward this. I am a man of the people. You can't. Jeremy. Next segment. No, no, no.

me. You needed to be like, normally I would go to a new question. I assume he moved on because but it was number one. Yeah. Me too. Man, what do you do here? What do you do here? I didn't know if FBI agent would qualify as like a law enforcement officer. Oh, yeah. Oh, was that a police officer. No, no, no. Police would not. It would have been a great area. So I just, I moved on. All right. As you should have. It was man of integrity. I like it. All right. We'll take a break. And then we'll draft. Still miffed, Mike, about that last segment. I remain unhappy. He came in unhappy.

Nothing is. Yeah, to be fair. I will leave here unhappy. It's been 12 years. The problem is Jason just won that segment, and now he's got the number one pick and a draft built for him. Yeah. Things that instantly make you feel fancy. Our hope here, Mike, is that Jason is living so deeply within the world of boozy fanciness

that his answers are so. nuanced and deep and they just people can't relate they only apply to him people can't relate to my list it'll be like a brand of caviar not just caviar it'll be a certain brand all right he just gave a brand my goodness number one pick the number one pick is the

is the there is a one-on-one here to me because it you are you are better than everyone else okay and not only are you better than everyone else everyone else has to sit there and watch you uh it's my list. It's on my list. It's first

class. Blotting first class. It's on my list. It is so it is like the last thing in this world that is really like, okay we got the use and then everyone else's and they've got to watch you. And it's so upside down. Look if you

have for those at home, for most of us out there, look first class like they do like a beverage service. and they take care of you. But it's so upside down of, I want to be the last person on the airplane.

Like I want to go sit down and I click and they're like, we're going. I don't want to be like, have an extra 45 minutes on this plane. And everyone walks by you? Yeah, it's really. Do you think they do that so that everyone has to see you? Yes.

So then it's like, yeah. And it's presumed that the front of the plane is somehow superior. Which you'll die. Well, yeah, you die quickest. You do die quickest. It's an instant death. The funny thing is that, I mean, it is a good answer. It's worthy of number one.

Yeah, it's on my list. It's not like the truth of the environment. The environment's not really fancy. When first class is just, you're in a bigger chair. The seat is much bigger. It is, but it's not like fancy. You getting a meal back there? No.

No, you're not. I mean, I just mean the environment is the same environment. We are, we're post 9-11, and they will give you a knife in the front. Yeah. That's fair. They're like, no, we trust you up here. I mean, this is real glass. There's a million answers to this.

There are little things, big things. Where do I want to go first is the real question. I am between a couple of them, things that make me feel fancy. You know what? I'm going to go with this because when it feels like something that you normally do and should do and then you don't have to do it and someone

does it for you, it feels fancy. I love when people do things for it. So I will say valet. That was probably next on my list. It was going to be my pick. Whenever it feels... It feels so fancy. And it feels wrong.

That's how fancy is. There's like... There are so many where you're like, this parking lot is very small. Yeah. And I'm not the small where it's like there's no spots. I'm saying I could, no, I can park. I can just turn this, I can round this corner, Mr. Valet and go park my own car. It's right there. I can see it. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. We will park your car. Valley, valet feels absurdly. It's, uh, it, it's still uncomfortable. It's, it's what I mean. I actually feel uncomfortable. Like, I'm like, I will, I'll take care of this for you. I am. I'll pay you. I am a boozy boy, and I love all things fancy, and I have valeted uncountable times.

Uncountable times. You wouldn't even believe how many times I'm valet. If there's a ballet next to an open parking spot, I will valet. But I still actually do, I'm, I still feel a little uncomfortable. It's always, it's always a little awkward, even because it just feels so weird. It feels, it feels fancy. Yeah, and it's almost like. there's situations like i i mean i'll say it maybe it's on your list it's fine but it's like a massage

feels that way too where i'm like i don't like that i am the one that is being served and i just have to allow somebody to do it yeah now do you throw your keys to the valet jason do you go do i throw no oh dude where you pop it up yeah do you pop it up yeah you pop it yourself in the arm yeah okay well i went with valet to me that one jumped i have done i have done many valets though of where I walk up and I'm like there's a line and I'm like I know I can see my car like I'll just give me the keys just give

me the keys just give me I'll see you later I'm going to go get the car that's mine right there like are you sure like yes I'm very sure stop this it's right I can see it and then you crash it back and out yeah oh yeah okay we've got Mike's two picks

so man here's our fancier I'm going to go this one I feel like is it's more low-key fancy than your guys'es are very in your face it's a water in

I'm sorry fruit-infused water oh yeah that's fancy really when you show up at a like a cucumber water an establishment oh crap cucumber water

there's the water up front but it's not just ice water no it's cucumber water it's got cucumber it's got lemons Yeah, I don't know. Mint in there. Why did they do that? Because they're fancy.

Because it's delicious. It's so good. It is really good. It's so refreshing. We could all do it. We don't do it. No, it's way too much work. That's why it's fancy.

You got to buy fruit. Okay. You got to cut it into pieces. Are you joking? Who's got time for that? That's a good point. So the fruit infused water. And I'm going to go with.

So this one's nice because it can be. you can be at a place that's not fancy at all. And I'm speaking of, Barber, when they go hot towel. Oh, yeah. Hot towel on the face at the end of the cut. That's part of first class sometimes. Yeah, and as you're like, I get to leave wherever I am for this 30 seconds to a minute. And I'm just, I'm in this hot towel.

I don't, I can't see because my entire face is covered. I'm breathing in. I'm like, it's opening my airways. There's something about describing the. experience of a hot towel. Especially the eucalyptus or mint, like a infused hot towel. You're just tree. Yeah. It's amazing because it's another thing we could do in 10 seconds. No one ever done. Just put the hot water on. Just put it in the microwave. Bring it out. Just freaking put it on your fit. No one over. No. Oh my goodness. The towel that's

hot. Why thank you. I am important. Because honestly, the biggest thing is of feeling fancy is someone. Someone does it for you. Well, not necessarily because I, I, I, I, I, I, I, draft this since you just drafted this, but a towel, a hot, like a towel warmer. I've talked about that, like for your showers. They get to sell a little towel warmers. Oh, you feel fancy. Oh my gosh. You take a hot towel out of that thing and you dry off after a shower. Let me ask you a question. How many towel warmers have you bought in your life?

Two. Okay, it's still one. That's a disappointing. That's still one more than I thought. That's still two more than I have bought. But really, how good are they? They're unbelievably amazing. It feels so good to have a hot towel and get out and just wrap yourself in warmth. Oh, delightful. I don't think there's a way to use my next pick in any other way than being fancy.

It is not for casually running down the street to grab some fast food. It's a limousine. Oh, that's good. That was not on my list. That is not on my list either. Super good hands. I mean, it's pretty fancy. Oh, it's super free.

It's a limousine. Those are like not. that's not the common like when you dream oh a fancy party I don't even think about a limo anymore at all no growing up

yeah growing up it was like it's an Uber black now but I mean literally and we I love this part of you know again it's like the comedy of the first class they you have to get in and then people walk past you this idea that the longer the car is the more fancy

you are is also very funny to me it's like oh yeah I got a limo yeah I got a stretch I got a stretch I got a stretch I got a stretch Hummer. I got it's so stretched. You got a boat on that? You got a pool? Yeah.

How stretched is it? It goes from miles, man. We can't turn. You know how wide my turns are? Don't cut underneath. I'm going to run into you. We go down one street and back the same street. That's all we do.

But a limo. Yeah, limo is a great pick. All right. I'm up for a double up here. I'm going to take something very similar to the valet where you kind of feel uncomfortable. Because someone else is doing it for you. I have never, I've never had this before. And honestly, I don't want it.

Like genuinely at this point in my life, I would be really uncomfortable. But man, would I feel fancy? Ooh, a caddy. Oh, you're out on the golf course. Okay. And you've got a guy to just carry my bag. This is a golf reference. Actually, that one is like, that one's wild because they have to lift a

heavy object. Yeah, and carry it and carry it like a pack mule. And have the knowledge to tell you all. I say, and they're responsible if you're like, how far is how far is this shot? You better know. Yeah. What club should I hit? That sounds really nice. It sounds nice, but I, so we've gotten into golf recently. They better get paid well over here. Oh, they get a percentage of winnings for the pros. For pros, sure, but what about Joe's? Yeah, those don't have Cadd No, they don't. They just doing that. No, no, no, really. So like I got a nice resort. Yeah. So, since we've got into golf

I've been looking into caddies looking into hiring a full-time caddy. It's going to really improve my game. He waits 90% of the time just for your round. So you shanked it again. I would not use that in the water. I'd make him get it out of the water

that's my only ball. Go get it. Scooba up. But no, like we've got into golf recently and we've been golfing a lot. And so I looked at like the win. I love going to Vegas. I like staying at the win. They have a really nice golf course there.

So I'm like, oh, I looked into that. They have a required caddy there. Like you can't golf there. You got to bring a guy. No, they have them. You don't have to bring. But like they give you a caddy. I'm like, to me, that was like, oh, I do not want to golf there.

That's uncomfortable. I don't want them to see how I go. Make them cover their eyes. All right. All right. Turn around. Hey, Marcus. Marcus, Marcus, cover the eyes.

What's that over there? Yeah. My next one is it makes you feel fancy when you're in a nice hotel or resort, and they got the hotel resort robe and slipper combo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you can put on that, it's always so fancy. Yes. It's got like embroidery.

I get it. And robe was on the list. I do take issue with the resort slippers, man. as somebody who they are not big enough or soft enough. That's true. That's true. If you've got big feet. Yeah. Well, those same can be said about the robe. I have, I have

I've definitely been at a resort or two where I've tried to put this robe on and gone, that's not made for me. You have just completely dismantled your like robe and slippers very fancy

except the slippers never fit and the robes are always too small. It's basically if... In fact, I don't feel fancy at all. I feel exposed. It makes me feel even fancier when I go to a place that's got a road that fits me. I'm like, oh, this is a real nice place. That'll be a new draft.

Things that make you feel fat instantly. Oh, I can come up with a list of that. Am I back on the clock? You are. Yep. It's champagne. Oh, for sure. You toast to celebrate.

It's a special occasion. It's most often in a special environment. you're not at a sports bar just busting out the champagne you're in a fancy environment it makes you feel fancy every time I've had champagne it's been a fancy environment so to me it's the drink of the fancy champagne it definitely is the drink of the fancy I will go

so my first one I have not so this is an assumption and you're like well what are you going to do tonight are you going to a party no I'm not going to a party I am attending a gala. Oh, a gala. A gala. What is this word even mean?

It means fancy party. Nice pick. A gala. Wow. Can you imagine? I've been to one gala and I will tell you. It was fancy. Silent auction.

They're always fundraising. Can't have an out loud auction. Not at a gala. Gala. That's for cattle. Yeah. That's a great pick. Okay, I got, so I got one more. And I'll do, I assume, I'm just going to tie it in because I assume that a gala would have this.

We don't have it a lot in Arizona due to the weather. A coat check. So I have it on my list. Yes. I have it on my list because. I think the rest. Imagine the world. You're like, take this coat.

I think a lot of the world, a lot of the world, when you say that, they're like, what? Yeah. Because every place they go in, just. has a coat check. It's a normal thing. We don't even have coat racks. We don't even have coats. We don't need them. I mean, that's not a lie. This last winter went by. I never wore my coat. There was no winner.

I mean, when you go to a restaurant, your coat just goes on the back of your chair. Yeah. Yeah. A coat check? There is a person who is paid specifically to take and care for my coat. A room? You've got a room to store our coats? That is made. It sounds like. And I'm sure in New York people are like, what are you? Yeah, well, it says Applebee's has a coat check. That's crazy. But for me, I'm in complete agreement.

That's all my list. All right. The last one here, I have a million different choices. But I have to pick the best one. I'm going to go with room service. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go with room service. And that's the attainable fancy. Yeah, it never gets old. Oh, it's never. Yeah, room service. And it does have the same aspect of a person. serving that comes and brings the food into your room and, you know, sits there and waits for a tip

and it's great. And it's 80 times the price of anything else. Of course, but it's covered. Oh, it is. You got those metal covers. Yeah. Sogging up the fries. Yes.

And people aren't coming in shorts and a t-shirt. No, no, no. They got a bow tie on, cumberbun. Yeah. For sure. Cumberbund is a good answer to. I call you, sir. Cumberbone is good answer.

But champagne. room service valet limo those are those are four those are great uh let's see what you got two more i got two no one more yep my final one you have flying first class a golf caddy which i love that hotel robe and slippers i love that too and then mike finished with fruit infused water hot towel in the face attending a gala gala gala who even knows no it's not a gala it's a gala it's a gala it's like a Vos. Go check. Yeah, good point.

Fancy people who hit awe. Yeah, for sure. All right. This wasn't on my original list. I just thought of it, but we've been on one once. And you never feel fancier than when you are on a red carpet. Oh, the red carpet is only for fancy pants. We have done one.

Get off my carpet. And we did not belong because we got dropped off in a Ford Taurus from 1981. And we were like behind Mike Tyson. We were. And it's like Mike Tyson, okay, they're thinking. It's like, and the fantasy footballers. Who? Who?

And they're like, next, please. Just take a quick picture, move on. We're like to save our digital space. And next super fancy celebrity. I have a bunch of like quick ones to throw out there. Like a monocle and a top hat. Oh, yeah. I can only imagine.

Things with truffles. Oh, dude. Trouples so fancy. Except disgusting. They're not good. The word Somalié. The word. Not the person. Correct. Just the word. The word. I like it. Um, those are those are guys. I've got an airport lounge. Oh my gosh. When you finally get into an airport lounge. Yeah. Which then it's overpacked and it's like, wait, everyone gets in these things. Um, uh, a bathroom attendant. Oh, no, there's the war. No, I hate them. No, I hate them, but it's like, it's a fancy place. If you've got a bathroom. We call them the butt wipe guy. The crumb scraper at a restaurant with a napkin on your lap. Those are ridiculous.

I'm going to clean your table, sir. An espresso machine. That feels fair. I had the, when you go to the steakhouse and you pick your knife. Oh, yeah. What in the world is that about? I love that. I don't know.

The one that cuts the meat. Is that one sharp? Yeah, could you pick a wrong knife? That's the real question. Apparently you're all sharp. It's just what do you want to, which one looks best to you? When the waiter says, would you like sparkling or still? Oh, yeah.

I feel a little bit fancy. Yeah, because then you're like, no, toilet water. Yeah, you're like, no, just the soda water. How's your house water? House water. I'll take the well. Can I get a well? Well, water.

Ties, tuxedos, grand pianos, yeah. Cufflinks. Oh, a wine cellar. Yeah. Things that make you feel fancy, your own back cave. That would make. I feel fancy

When I think of fancy I think of Batman Batman was so fancy Bruce Wayne was fancy Bruce Wayne didn't have a bat cave Batman had a baggay Fair enough What do we learn today

I mean I guess I learned it Maybe I always knew it all along But the Falcon doesn't do anything Oh yeah we all I mean that's not something learned It's been imprinted more firmly We didn't learn it

But we just it's just back here. Jason's very fancy. I learned. He's about the fanciest. There's no consequence to buzzing in early. You know what I mean? Just hit that button.

They just finished the question no matter what. That is an amazing answer. And if you answer not on the board, they go to the next question. This year. This man. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. Take care, everybody. Good night.

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