Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Beef Stew & Worst Liquids to Shower In - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

Beef Stew has more meanings than you think! Some great Would you Rathers followed up by some insightful That’s a Great Question and a draft you don’t want to miss… Worst Things to See Come Out of Your Shower make this an episode to remember.  Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I'm a liar on fire. No bird is flying higher Wait a minute Oh Al Borland episode 332 that bird sound one more time, please. Oh You know, that's a tough one to deliver on command. It sounded partially robotic. I didn't look up to see if you were saying it. I didn't know if you

hit a button at the right time. That was all me baby. Wow. Episode 332. He's a liar because there's a lot of birds that fly higher than an owl. I'm just saying I'm saying it's just factually inaccurate and we care about the substance of the show. He flew pretty high though. I mean that was not bad. I don't like that he gets to come prepared. You know, he wrote that. I don't know if you know this Jason, but you guys go in a pattern. You can be as prepared as you want. Yeah, but that's not a scat. See, I come in with a blank slate.

His is more of a wrap, but you could still, you could spend a nice Saturday morning and plan out your next eight. That's true, and I get that, and I should, because I'm so bad at it. But I guess what I'm getting at here, fellas, is I wanna know what he can do with off the cuff hit it again baby I can't I don't I'm not playing the whole intro. Oh, yes, you are. I guess we are

You could just watch those things you have plenty of time to think. Don't be talking right now, man. You gotta think. Just fear. I'm Jason. I'm facing the scat and my heart's racing. Oh God! Oh! Oh! Oh! To the bottom of the ocean with you, sir!

Woo! Oh, goodbye! Oh, you've been burned! Now see, the advice I just gave you, he already did that. He planned out his next five. And he just went to the next one. Oh, I'm so impressed! Do you do rap battles?

Man! On the side? I do not. Will Smith, the freestyler over here Like that will Smith was the well he was the go-to have you not followed the most recent his little freestyle thing Oh, okay. Oh wait, will Smith is out freestyling. It ain't good my brother. It ain't good But that was he's that was I'm I can use to get jiggy with it. I am dead. I mean, you just murdered me.

This is your show. We're going to switch seats here. The honest truth is, Al is a man of honor as well, because this is episode three thirty two. We've missed a couple of weeks with family vacations and a holiday. And we're back with a fresh episode and we're hitting the button and I'm ready to scat Yeah, I mean I'm thinking through I was happy. It wasn't me. We were told it was Andy and yeah You push the button we were starting. I was ready to go and and Al Could have let it go

But he knows that every what is it 81 episodes? Sounds about right. He has to step up, and he did it twice. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's impressive. Tip of the cap, tip of the cap. Impressive. Also, if you can write my next one, that'd be great. We are happy to have you with us.

Fresh episode of the show. Would you rather life advice? And a spectacular draft. I mean, just a creative masterpiece of a draft today that you're going to enjoy. At SpitballersPod over on X, spitballerspod.com is the website. Every 83 episodes, is that right?

That's correct. Okay, don't wanna get that wrong. You can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify Mike. That would be nice of them, wouldn't it? I mean, it would be the cat's pajamas. That's what we say. Here we go. Starting the show. Would you rather stew short for Stewart, I guess. Stew from the website. First name beef. Would you rather? Yeah, I got the alley.

That was not a good joke. No, that was a doesn't. All right. It's one of the only beef stew jokes I've ever heard. Beef stew is a fabulous phrase, by the way, is beef stew? Like just the words of a meal. That's what you're going to say. it's a fabulous thing to eat. Oh it is but I just say beef stew To me just sounds are you saying that there that that's a phrase

Are you saying that's just something people say is like oh dude beef stew. No, no, no, no, no, no, not like a Throwing it out like slang. I'm just saying those two words when combined. They're powerful. Beef stew just. Okay. That sounds like we should make a phrase out of it. People don't really serve stew. Like you don't get stew at restaurants.

Like stew is looked at like. Yeah, do they do a chicken stew? Or a lamb stew? No, not really. No, nobody does a stew. You only do stew at home. So it's redundant. So stew for like,

it feels like it's like a poor person dish. Yes, that's what I was stew for, like, it feels like it's like a poor person. Yes, that's what I was gonna get to, is it feels like it's something that would be given if you were in a line to get the food at prison. They would take some, like, stew cannot be- They're getting good eats. You're not supposed to get stew in your bowl in a really clean, careful way.

It has to be plopped. Oh, it has to be slopped in there? It has to be slopped in, not even plopped. Like, here's your stew. Like, it has to be served by some creature. Yeah, crotchety old person. I'm just... So what does Beef Stew from the website wonder?

Oh, he wants to know, would you rather wake up every day with total amnesia for the first three hours of every day, or wake up every day only speaking and understanding a random language for the first six hours of every day. Six hours? Here's the thing about total amnesia. That's like a whole day, man. That's what I call it a day.

Speaking and understanding a random language, that's not different for you. Your life is normal. Your life is normal. Well, your mind is normal. Your mind is normal. You know where you are, who you are, what you're supposed to do today. You just can't communicate. With others. Oh wait, yes I can Google Translate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can pull out the phone. The amnesia, it's kind of like it's not happening to you. Because if it happens for the first three hours of every day, it's total amnesia. So once you come to, it's like an extended three hour, you know how people walk in their sleep? And they do that and they don't remember what happened, but you're actively. But you will remember it later on in the day,

and you will be in. No, you won't. You'll remember that you couldn't remember. Yeah, once you... Wait, what? After the three hours, when everything goes back to you... I woke up, I couldn't remember anything this morning. That's what I would be saying right now. Yeah.

Like when I woke up this morning, guys, I had no idea what was going on. Did you remember what happened during that time? I now remember what happened during those three hours when I had no idea who I was. I don't know if I agree with that. What? Amnesia. This isn't for agreeing. This is just, I'm laying it out.

I'm letting you know how it is. I'm telling you how it is. Beef stew. No, okay. Let me. Okay. Cheers, schlap. Trying that on.

You're telling me if you get in a car accident and you hit your head and you have total amnesia for three hours after you hit your head in the car accident, the second that hour four hits you remembered everything that happened? No, no, no, no. During the three hours you couldn't remember anything? Yes. You remember that you couldn't remember it? Yes.

Most everything I'm seeing is in Andy's favor, that people that have amnesia do not remember the period of which they had the amnesia. What else is it? But not remembering anything because you're out of it. My assumption is that when you don't remember in that moment, your memories are gone at that point, but not that you can't make new ones. Like people who have amnesia.

You can only form them though when you are actually forming them. It's like people do not tend to remember the actual time period during which they had amnesia because by definition they weren't forming retrievable memories at that time. Beef stew! Yeah that's a beef stew. You beef stew me big time here. Beef stew! All right. I'm just a punching bag today. It's not up for agreement. I'm just laying it out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. That doesn't, so then after the three hours, you just.

It's equivalent to being in a coma. There's my point, I would choose that one because the only thing I have to worry about is do I endanger myself or die in those three hours every day. I know there's gonna be a mysterious three waking hours that I will not remember, but I have to hope that that's fine. Okay, but that's not, let me, let me get a little

bit more philosophical here. Okay. Philosophical. If, let's say this question was the first three hours of the day you have amnesia and terrible things happen to you. Okay. Like, yes, like awful. There's literal monsters. Okay. They're chasing you. This is a nightmare in real life. Yeah. And you experience that every single day for three hours, but then afterwards you're not going to remember. Right. Do you actually think that would be fine? Even though for three hours of a day you are tormented, tortured, you are living in hell. Yes and no.

Yes, it'll be fine if there's no physical harm done to you because that's what nightmares are. I mean, you have nightmares. You don't remember them. You are tormented sometimes in your sleep and you move on because you don't remember. That's like, isn't there a pill that you take when you go to surgery. Sometimes you go to surgery where they need you conscious for the surgery.

That's true. And that terrifies me. Oh big time. Those stories of the I was awake during surgery are some of the worst possible stories. I know that afterwards I'm supposed to not remember but in the moment that means I'm feeling it and knowing it and remember I mean that is that's the philosophical part. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I think that that sounds Awful that sounds way worse to me than just I get all the time in my day But I have a hard time communicating. I've got to use a phone and you know six hours though six hours every day It's a good chunk. Yeah, I mean, basically, let's say I wake up

at six in the morning, so that's, I don't get to just easily communicate till noon every day. It actually, it's funny, it would change the way you would make all of your appointments. Yeah. You certainly wouldn't wanna have like a court date or something that happens in the first six hours

of waking up. I am not a cat. Yeah, you don't, so you would have to- You would meow. Right. You kind of, it would kind of be lonely. Because yes, you don't. So you would have to. You would meow. Right. It would kind of be lonely. Because yes, you could technically get your Google Translate out, and that's

a little roundabout. But that wouldn't be convenient. No, no. It's not convenient at all. And to be fair, you don't even know which language you're speaking yet. That's the trick. You get a different one every day.

So I'm just trying to understand for the amnesia. Are we back to amnesia? Yeah, because I wake up. Have you forgotten already the truth? Yeah, just hold on. So you wake up, you don't know who you are. You're, I mean, you're really confused. Yeah.

And then you spend three hours like that. And then, so the three hour timer goes, all my memories come back, but then I forget that I have forgotten. Correct. That is kind of, that's at least how I interpreted it. It doesn't mean it has to be that way. Okay.

I think that there's some nuance there. But I imagine during this period of total and utter confusion where you know nothing, you probably don't remember that later. Which also then means I will never, I will never know, my conscious body will never know that this is gonna happen every single day. That is not true because your friends

and family around can know that. And they can tell you in your- You're not gonna believe that. You could tell them, they tell you. Of course. Yeah, cause the three hours are gone, Mike. Yeah, they're gonna say- You can never look back at that three hours. And day after day after day after day, they're gonna say, hey, when you, yeah, because the three hours are gone, Mike. You can never look back at that three hours.

And day after day after day after day, they're gonna say, hey, when you wake up, you have total amnesia, so you can prepare for that. Which one are you choosing? I'm still gonna, I'm gonna take the foreign language. I'm gonna take the foreign language. I think that, you know, it's like, is it, would you rather, this is basically,

would you rather have a difficult morning for six hours or lose three hours of your day every day? Slight addition to the question. If you know that you were going to face the amnesia situation every morning, and you would kind of be a danger to yourself, I would think, if you don't, if you can't really remember much,

you don't know what house you're in, your name, all that stuff, total amnesia, does it make sense to strap yourself into your bed? No. Because even though you're tortured for the three hours of waking time, you won't remember that. Right, but then you will wake up

and need to get out of your bed. I got one. What if you strap yourself to an exercise bike? Now that's... Ooh. And I'm just knocking out three hours of cardio that you strap yourself to an exercise bike. Now that's, that's not. I'm just knocking out three hours of cardio every single day and I'm gonna forget. The door's locked in the room

and there's just equipment everywhere. And you wake up. Put a note that says you must ride for three hours. Dude! Or you die. The door is locked until you've lifted, you know, 10,000 pounds. Yes.

Oh my gosh, you go to sleep? Oh my, Mike, you are brilliant! The key to working out is- All right, I'm on that side, Matt. I'm on that side, absolutely. The key to working out is not remembering it. Oh dude, that is awesome. Beef stew.

Okay. Beef stew. It is like Memento a little bit. That's, that did come to mind, the movie Memento. Oh yeah. You got to tattoo it on your chest. He would like... Do cardio. Oh man. It's a little more low stakes, you know, than solving the...

A murder. A murder of a loved one. Just, you know, gets walled. Do cardio. Don't forget, Frankie from Patreon. If you had to be a passenger on a plane that is going down, would you rather be over a land or over the ocean? What do you think your higher odds of surviving is? This is a great question.

This is cream of the crop, would you rather type of question here in my opinion. Because we get to discuss the implications. People think about it. The ocean is not soft. The ocean is concrete. For a plane. You're still landing into a solid thing. Now, I guess the thought would be, how does the crash take place?

Like are you coming in at a landing velocity? Whatever? That's where the ocean could do you some favors They've landed boats on I mean planes on water before Yeah, so I think the art out out solely. Yeah, so is your pilot. I think the argument here is that if you if you're going down on land the crash is more likely to kill you than potentially crash landing in the ocean. Potential. Right and and Al Borland points this out in our slack you have a built-in fire extinguisher the water will put the fire out. Right. Can the water put out the gasoline fire? I think better than not water, yeah.

Well, just saying, if there's something that is flammable on water, it will still be burning for a bit. Yeah, until it burns up. Yeah, you're talking like some fuel in the water burning? Yeah. I mean, that's not fun. Obviously, the answer to this question,

if you survive the crash in both situations, is land. Oh, is that why you were looking at me the way you were? Yeah, because I assumed- Ocean is your toast. Yeah, you're dead. I assumed that the answer, the question was basically you survive a crash landing. And if you survive the crash landing,

I would a billion times rather be on land than be in the middle of the ocean. There have been be on land than be in the middle of the ocean. There have been crashes on land where they can't find you as well. I mean, where you're in a desert or a jungle or things like that, that would be... Jungle would be brutal.

Like if I knew, it doesn't make a difference if you knew you'd be rescued in like five hours, would you also always choose land? If I knew I would be rescued in five hours I would still prefer to be on every boat has the inflatable situation you got you got life life vests under like this and Inflatable right, but then you're in the you're in the freezing water and more importantly the shark tank You're that the ocean is that what you call the ocean. That's what I call the ocean is the shark tank Is that the ocean? Is that what you call the ocean? That's what I call the ocean, is the shark tank.

Mostly because that's the tank where the... Oh, they... That's their version of beef stew. And they're gonna look at the three of us and be like, I'm going after beef stew. I don't think you're using that. But... I don't know how to use it, Mike.

I'm trying it out. Best odds of survival though are... I still think it's water. Man. Because of the whole fire part yeah because if you're if you're trying to land on either situation or you're trying to survive the impact I just feel like water is more forgiving at the right angle I'm like I know they have the boats how many people are actually getting in those boats oh not a plane a plane full. No, near a plane full. The strongest few.

Like if you're in the boat. Toy, Max. You know, you're getting some people in the boat. I get a little antsy. I'm like, we got to set this thing. We got to hit the water. We don't have time to wait for it. It's the old, you know, when you're in the exit row,

it's like, now give us your word that you will help everyone off the plane. I will help myself and my family off the plane first. Thank you for being my first in line ticket here. I hope somebody pulls that clip of you out when they're walking through the cabin and asking you in the exit row if you're gonna do your part.

Yeah, they can pull the clip because you know what? Everyone's lying. They're all liars. I will lead. They're all liars. I will they're all liars I will be helping a couple people the people in your row Yeah, there's a way your family if there's a kid a kid can't be in the exit row. You gotta be 16 Yeah, a lady Sure, sure. I will help everyone in my exit row. Yes, you'll help the two people next to you

What I mean, and I don't even know if that's true. I don't know that you'll help the two people next to you. That's what I mean. And I don't even know if that's true. I don't know that you'll help the two people next to you. That door is open. Can I help people from the outside? Absolutely. So if I kind of... Not from the boat. Right, yeah. Let me help. Swim over here, I'll hold it for you. I've already named our club. We've got like a game.

It depends on so many things. Is there a fire in there? If there's no fire, and I think I can get out quick, I'm gonna stay and help for a bit. Also, you know what? I'm taking my laptop. Oh, really? Yeah, you know how important this thing is? Okay. I got gigabytes of information that cannot be lost.

Your odds of survival have to be highest on land. Oh, long term. Because people can get to you the quickest, and survival means you're gonna be injured, you're gonna be banged up. you need people to get there quick. Yeah. I think land is the right answer, and if you have to, unfortunately, meet your demise in either situation, land is probably the better way.

Sure. Because of the shark tank thing? Well, I mean're I would rather it's a land shark I would rather have come quick then like drown 24 hours later after a day of torment that's not happened to me and my crew in the boat I guess there's a good chance if you crash in the ocean and survive, you're probably bleeding. So you will attract the sharks. Yeah, for sure. Let me just detour real quick.

OK. From our real... From this really important, serious, direct questioning. Are sharks just everywhere? Yeah. Not everywhere, no. They're not on land. Well...

No, they're not everywhere. Are they just like, not on land. Well, no, they're not Just like yeah, like are there parts and there's only of the ocean that you'd be happier to crash in Oh, absolutely, and there's only certain sharks. You actually have to be worried about right the tiger sharks and big great white I don't know. Hey, hey biologists are the two big ones the I mean how many sharks though? I need really need to be scared of Like two those are the bad dogs. Yeah. The great white and the tiger.

Like two or three actually. Yeah. What about the hammerhead? Nah, they're fairly docile. Really? Yeah. No, tiger sharks. I don't feel like I'd be afraid of swordfish.

Yes. Yes. Your boat should be afraid of swordfish. That's for sure. The name. So it's got a web. It's a sword. Everyone else getting eaten by sharks and Jason's getting impaled by a swordfish. It's got a weapon. It's a sword. Wait, everyone else is getting eaten by sharks and Jason's getting impaled by a swordfish

that's jumping up the room? Have you ever seen one like- I'm just hoping he's taking out Mike's little inflatable boat. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. Who's afraid of swordfish? I'm just gonna pop your boat. Yeah.

And then I fall into the gang of people that I did not save. They're just pushing me under. Yeah. Stand on him. I was the king for a moment. It does seem like hammerhead sharks are just voices. I mean like a hammerhead shark if it's coming at you. Their eyes are on this. I'll just push it to the side. Well and their mouth is a little tiny little flap on the bottom. What are you going to do? You can't bite me with that. You know what I mean? Are they bottom feeders? No. I think they eat

fish that are tall. They eat the leftover fish that the real sharks took care of. Primarily, the biggest fear is of course the great white. Yes. There are... But that one's harder to find. 3,000 to 5,000 great white sharks estimated in the world. In the ocean? Oh, you've got a great chance of not running into one. Why does that sound unrealistic? That does sound unrealistic.

That sounds like you're lying. That sounds like I should check a second source. It seems like you might not want to say it so definitively. Beef stew. Yeah. Bull sharks, tiger sharks. See how many great whites there are, what you can scrounge up. I'm seeing three to five thousand. There's two of them. There's a Ted and Barry. You gotta watch out for them. One's on the West Coast, one's on the East Coast. But wherever you land, they'll be there.

It's a turf war between the sharks. Is it really just three to 5,000? I mean, I've never felt less afraid of sharks than right this moment. They're really hard. Great whites are hard to find. I know that. If there are really only, I'm gonna go of sharks than right this moment. They're really hard. Great whites are hard to find. I know that. If there are really only, I'm going to go on the high side,

5,000 great white sharks alive. The ocean's a pretty big place. Yes. You would be so unlucky to have that crash go right by a family of great whites. How many swordfish? Oh, that's a great question, Mike. How could you be afraid of swordfish?

Have you seen their nose? Yes, it's a great question, Mike. How could you be afraid of swordfish? Because- Have you seen their nose? Yes, it's a sword. I mean, it's like the like when they're out, people are doing a like deep sea fish and they catch a marlin and then that thing comes flying out with a giant shurruss. Look, while the exact number of swordfish in the world is unknown, it is likely in the millions. That's way worse. That's so much worse than five thousand.

There's unregistered weapons swimming around the ocean right now. Millions of them. So do you need to like have chain mail if you're in the ocean. Yes. There is one issue. Listen. Listen. Small issue. So I'm in a chain mail. You're going to have to kick so many people out of the boat. Oh my God. Hold on. Hold on guys. We can't get out of the plane yet. I got to put my armor on. In the history of your arm. Hold on, hold on guys, we can't get out of the plane yet. I gotta put my armor on. In the history of the entire world, there are four documented cases of a swordfish hurting a person. Popping a boat.

Hurting a person. There's gotta be more than four. No, no. Yes. There's not, there's not. There are, like they're not gonna. There's one single fatal case of an injury. People are embarrassed about that. They're not gonna go tell people, I got got are embarrassed about that. They're gonna go tell people

Yeah, I got got by sword. This is a great a great white bites me in the leg I'm telling everybody you will I'm just gonna tell strangers on the street. Yeah, I'll wear a shirt They're gonna know when you're limping over. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome Well, I'm saying later, but if a swordfish got me I will tell no one that death informal literature If a swordfish got me, I will tell no one that tale. One death in formal literature, according to National Geographic. That's impossible. So they can kill. One death ever.

One dude in the history of the world was killed by a swordfish. That's a legacy. That's a legacy I can respect. They really only got one? Dude, there are not that many dangers from animals in the ocean. I am learning a lot here.

Like the most dangerous appears to be box jellyfish. Yes, jellyfish are no joke. But if you crash in the middle of the ocean, you're not near jellyfish, right? I don't know. Jellyfish are everywhere. Are they? At the top of the middle of the ocean?

There are 200 of them in the whole world. And I got one that's called like a man-o-war. It's called a man o' war? You know that? Yeah that's the most deadly one. They'll jack you up. Portuguese man o' war. Yeah. Wow. And it just puts its little tentacles all around you and you're toast. Well anyways. Have you ever watched Finding Nemo? Oh yeah yeah yeah. When they go swimming through the jellyfish? Those are man o' wars? I don't know. They look real scary. He's like haven't you what do you want? You don't know man-of-war every watch. I'm saying I'm emo Just oh those are jellyfish those are man-of-war. No, I don't know

Be afraid of jellyfish. I know jellyfish are bad. I'm just saying I feel like we afraid of about jellyfish back there Do you see yes, I'm not really afraid of them. Have you never been stung by a jellyfish? No You asked that like is a bee Yes. I'm not really afraid of them. Have you never been stung by a jellyfish? No. I have never either, but I'm still afraid. You asked that like, is a bee. In order to be stung by a jellyfish, you have to be in the ocean. But I feel like they're either up like- Or Lake Pleasant, not a lot of jellyfish.

By the land, like where people step on jellyfish, right? Or they're like deep in the ocean people aren't they're both They're not like there's not a lot of beach jellyfish attacks No, but they wash up and people step on it when they're already dead. Yes, that does and they still get you I guess my point is I feel like jellyfish are deep animals deep water animals not shallow They go wherever now. Really? I don't think they come up. Do they crest? I don't think they control where do they crest I don't think they The water do they crest

They come up for air and take a breath of the tiny mouths. That's what I'm saying. I don't I doubt that I Think you're right to have doubt I think Crests performing aerials to have doubt. I think you're performing aerials. But I know that they, I don't think they're just deep water animals. That's how people get stung. All right, jellyfish are found in both deep and shallow ocean waters. Okay. We're in trubs. We've got to move on. Let's questions. That's a great question. I hope it's about the ocean. Yeah.

Uh, Kendall from Patreon, when taking your food to go at a fast food restaurant, what is the appropriate number of napkins to grab? Also, is it stealing if I'm a paying customer at Chipotle but I leave with 20 sets of their awesome top tier utensils? Ask Owl. Owl has stocked his house with Chipotle plasticware. Is that true, Owl? I always take extra. They do have top two utensils. When you say extra, what do you mean? Does you mean like two?

Probably about like, Kendall here, about 20 sets. Yeah, I mean. Chipotle knows. Those are good. Chipotle knows this, and they advertise these things where they, they're like, they'll show us something about the water cup, and they're like, we know you're stealing lemonade.

Or they, I think they even gave away a box to put on your car visor so that you could store their nap because they're like, we know you're taking them. So you can organize them. Some places are really stingy and strict about extras of anything or adding anything. Charging you for sauce packets? I had the most humiliatingly dumb interaction

in the mall this past weekend, where I went to a Johnny Rockets, but it wasn't a sit-down Johnny Rockets, it was like a team of Johnny Rockets, it's like in the mall food court where you gotta walk up to the window, okay? Okay. And I go up there,

and they're already giving me the business, because my daughter wants two sauces instead of one, and got to pay extra for the extra teeny couple kids sauce. Dumb. And I do it, right? And I get the order done and it's like 30 bucks. I give them 30 bucks and the order is like 27 and I say just keep the three as a tip. And they put the tip right in front of me in their little jar. I then walk down to the end and receive my food.

The burgers there don't come with cheese. And because I that's it. Did you order a cheeseburger? I ordered their number. I get it. It's my fault. But any place that the default is not cheese is annoying. I agree. I agree. Cheeseburger. So I get this double burger and I walk, I mean, I just put, I just put the tip in. A double burger, no cheese? So this is what I'm saying, that's how it came. That's criminal. So I just put the $3 in the jar.

I walked five feet to the right and they, and I go, oh, could you throw a slice of American cheese on that? I forgot to get the cheese. I'm sorry, sir. You gotta pay for cheese. Please. I need to hear. Did you go digging?

Please tell me. Did you go digging? Please tell me you took that tip and you went and you're like, hold on one sec, and you went and grabbed the dollar out of the tip jar and threw it in their face. I did not, but I did tell them I just tipped you three dollars. You can't give me a piece of cheese. No sir. You did say that?

Yes I said that. And they came back and said no? And yeah they said. That's when you go digging. Yeah. And then you go beef stew. It felt so bad to pay for the sauce. Give them a tip. Walked over and then they just go, no, you can't, you can't have this. You got to go back. And they made me wait in line to go pay for the cheese. No. Wow. Which I did because I want cheese on my burger. Wow.

That is so you're going back soon. That's a Johnny Rockets. I'm throwing it out there. Stay away. Wow. That's too bad. I like Johnny Rockets. So some places are really strict is what I'm saying.

The margins must have been tight. The only time that you should ever charge for a sauce is when that sauce is why you came. Okay, so like Raisin Canes? Yeah. I want to pay extra for the sauce. I want, because that's- I mean, that's top tier sauce.

Yeah, you're talking about, I value this sauce financially. Yeah. Like this is, it is worthy of money. And it's still extra sauce. It's not no sauce unless you pay. I want more of this. So some are strict. In this case, what's appropriate? That's nonsense. Some people I think would say you take the amount of napkins and the amount of utensils

as the amount of food orders. That would be like the most strict view. Well, let's start with napkins. Napkins to me are a stack. You get a stack of napkins. But a stack could be big, a stack could be small. And a stack could come out of a pile or it could come out of one of those dispensers where you have to pull one at a time.

No, not those, but the old school ones, that one I let the napkin machine tell me how many napkins I'm gonna get. That's right, how many can you grab from the side? No, because I'm saying you put your hand in and sometimes I want fewer napkins. I don't wanna be wasteful, I don't wanna end up throwing a whole bunch of unused napkins in the garbage,

but you can't get them out. So then, well I guess I'm taking a grip of these napkins. Yeah, because you gotta pinch just to grab in this. But the single dispensers, I mean, at some point it gets ridiculous. If you want a bunch of those... You're not grabbing 20 of those from the single... That's what they were. Not limiting them. Excuse me, sir. I'm doing something here.

I'm doing something! I would say like... 20 to me feels like an appropriate number of napkins. Oh, of napkins? If it's not in the single... Is it one person's meal or is it more than one person's meal? No, no, no. No, it's more, I'm saying for like my family of five. 20's fine for that.

Because I think most napkins, five per person is fine. Yeah, those napkins don't do much if you need them. But the utensils, if you got a grip of 20 That's pretty wild. Sets of utensils, that's, I'm gonna be honest, you're stealing from me. Yeah, that feels like theft. Like, cause there can't be a way that there's that many more than charge for guacamole. Yeah. You want to know why they have to do this? People stealing all they've got to cover some margins. That's why the chicken scoops are getting smaller

and smaller. You grab 20. How many are left? I think that's what the question. Okay. Yeah. That's a percentage. It's percentage. You can take enough to where it's not very perceivable that they're gone. Yeah, if there's 20 napkins left in their napkin holder, I'm not taking 20 napkins. You can take, you gotta. That's when I'm definitely taking 20. That's gotta be like, oh.

I'm not seeing that thing now. That's just so easy. Oh, sorry, it's out over here. You're gonna need to refill your napkins. Some guy took all your napkins. My daughter did this with the complimentary tea at church on Sunday. We leave church and she always gets tea,

like chooses from their tea selection. Are we talking like a dispenser or? No, they're little bags. Okay. She takes a tea bag and she has a good tea. You gotta brew a tea. Well, you just get the hot water and you just drop the tea bag.

Yeah, or what's the word I'm looking for? I think that was right for it. Steep. So we're heading out to the car and she goes, I got some extra tea. And I go, what do you mean you got extra tea? And she pulls out just two handfuls of all these other flavored teas that she wanted. I'm like, we can't be doing that.

She's like, but they all look so good. Well, you gotta try them. You want to know what you get next time. Yeah, so I mean,, we, when somebody, this is the problem with humans. If somebody says this item is free, because that's what you say at a Chipotle. The napkins, the condiment stuff,

all that stuff is technically a free item. And you see how people freak out about free. Yeah, we love it. It's like we want the maximum amount, and I'm not gonna show my face here again if I have to. Yeah, that's what we do. Um, but utensils, I'm going like 23, three per person and I'm getting out of there. So excessive one is a lot. Joey says, uh, what are your thoughts on brushing your teeth in the shower efficient or barbaric both? Yeah, yeah, I get it it's I mean it it is efficient but man when you spit out that why is it so

Feels like you're spitting into your feet like yeah, that's the problem It's just gross But if but how many times you've been in the shower you put water like you gargle or you put water in the shower No problem. No problem. Well, but that is also efficient and barbaric. But my point is, no, what I'm actually saying is that when I pee in the shower, I don't even have a second thought. I'm just like, I'm gonna pee.

But if I were to spit that out, I'd be like, this is disgusting. This minty toothpaste foam. I'm so ashamed of myself right now. Oh, don't let it hit my feet. Ugh. That is weird. I actually believe those two things are true stories, where I would be grossed out spitting that.

Do you brush your teeth in the morning and at night every day? Yeah. Mike? Once. I only brush once. Yeah. But now are you morning or are you night?

Most people, if I tell people that I'm a night brusher. Yeah, we've been through this. Yeah, you're morning, he's night. I'm every morning in 60, 70% of the night. Whoa, oh. I just feel like the night is. We went from, hey, do you brush your teeth morning? Yes.

Well, how often? About half the time. I feel like the night brush. 60% of the time, I do it every time. the night brush is so much more important than the morning brush. No way. No, the morning brush is way more important. The night brush is more important. You don't want to let your teeth, whatever's in your teeth at night will turn into like problems with your gums overnight.

So do you believe you don't have morning breath? No, I don't not believe it, but I get a cup of coffee instantly and then I eat it. Ah, that'll fix my breath. Coffee. It does. You know what people love? Coffee breath. Coffee breath.

I'd rather have coffee breath than, look, I'd rather not brush at night and let whatever's between my teeth and in my gums and in my mouth just cook for the night. But I won't be caught dead brushing my teeth in the morning. I'm probably a 10 to 20 percent morning brush. Okay. If I am shaving that day and I got shaving cream on, that's a great opportunity to do a morning brush. Because I got to wait for the shaving cream.

While you have the shaving cream on. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Interesting. That seems like that would be a problem. Shaving cream's got to sit there and percolate so that, you know, you got to leave it on. That's the whole point of shaving cream. Really? Yes.

I don't know. I've had an electric razor my entire life. Wait, you're looking at me weird, Josh. Have you not done that? You gotta let it saturate, apparently? If you let a menthol shaving cream sit on your face, that's what takes away all of the razor burns. It's gonna dry your skin out.

Did you not know this? I have never let shaving cream just sit and brew. Give me, do me a favor. Do an experiment for me. Put shaving cream on your neck when you shave your neck and wait 10 minutes. Do something around the house. 10 minutes, my goodness.

Wait 10 minutes and then go shave your neck. You won't feel a thing. That's the whole reason you leave it on there. All right, what are you, I'm looking over here at Deucer's Alley. Matt, shaving, do you use shaving cream? Sometimes. Okay, I don't believe anything you're saying.

I haven't used shaving cream since I was 16 years old. Yeah, because you all use the electric razors that are just imperfect. No, they work real good. They are perfectly fine. It does say so. This show's been all over the place. Two scats. I asked Chad BT. She said it can be

helpful 30 to 60 seconds. So I think you're wasting about nine of your minutes. You don't get to argue with that. I've done both. He said he leaves it on for 10 minutes. The shaving cream sometimes. Yeah. Five to 10 minutes. What are you doing in ten around man? Just shirt off? Yeah What yeah, I mean, it's not Santa Claus cuz I don't shave my beard. So it's just my neck Whatever their version of Christmas So that is you're just in your room hanging out with with shaving shirts off Yeah, the shaving creams on okay, and I'm doing some chores

What kind of chores just tidying up? I'm putting some clothes away. You're not worried about getting shaving cream. It's happened. Yeah It's not frequent. I have occasionally gone so long with it on my neck They have to reapply know that I forget and then I I rub against it. I go crap Oh, yeah, I gotta go go shave but Papa Josh you'll try this cuz you use shaving cream I shave my head man like I use shaving cream for that but I don't let it sit do you ever experience razor burn on your head though no oh see that makes sense that hair I mean hair growing in right you don't shave your neck? I mean, yes. OK, do it on the neck. Try it out.

All right. All right. We got a draft. You guys could save so much time if you just get an electric. Yeah. Try that. Those things suck. They're so easy.

All right, ad break. Coming up, draft in a moment. By the way, I mean like every barber that shaves your neck, they don't go grab an electric Norelco and come out there and plug it in and shave your neck because it's so great. No, they don't. They put shaving cream on and then two seconds later they shave it off. The spitballers draft. The shaving cream at the barbershop is warm. It's hot. Yeah.

And that may, I think that proliferates. You don't have that at home? You use shaving cream and you don't have a warmer? That is mind blowing. I upgrade your life. It's like you're talking to yourself. Yeah, there's no way I would know. I'm not you. Yeah, but you know you want it. As soon as I said it, you're talking to yourself. Yeah, there's no way I would not. I'm not you.

Yeah, but you know you want it. As soon as I said it you're like, that's a good idea. I didn't think about it. Alright. I am still here. Alright, we are drafting liquids. You do not want to see coming at you when you turn the shower on. I have a new 101. Beef stew! No. No, but that is, no, it is to be, obviously used toothpaste.

Oh man. That's not a 101 for me. I do have a lot of things that like, when I was coming up with this brilliant draft idea, cause I mean it's just outstanding, I may or may not have been in a shower. And I thought like if the water- I think that's where the best ideas come from.

If the water just suddenly changed to where the best ideas come from. If the water just suddenly changed to another liquid. I gotcha. What would be the worst thing to see coming out of that? And I think there are, this is not one where I think there is a 101 overall. I think there are several good answers. Yes.

But I think the most horrifying, worst possible answer for me. I think there's a 101. Is blood. Yes, that's the 101. I think if it just changes to blood, that's a real, real situation. It's just a huge volume of blood.

It's a lot of problems. It's a lot of blood. And a lot of questions. So I'm gonna go blood at 101. I think we're gonna have a lot of questions for every single one of these, Jason. Yeah, but I know, like, you know, where most of this stuff comes from.

When it's blood. Whose blood is it? Your problem. It's gotta be somebody's blood. Yeah. You're like, is this human? Is this a whale? I don't know.

I don't know. Is someone hurt? Would that make it better? If someone's like, don't worry about it, it's just whale blood? Yes. If they said don't worry about it, then yes. If they said, it's just whale blood yes if they said don't worry about it then yes if they said it's just a lot I'm a little less concerned yeah I would much

rather if I was like hey would you like to bathe in whale blood or human blood I would say whale blood please yeah yeah yeah hmm anyway bloods the pick Mike you're up gasoline oh oh that'd be bad, it would not only would it be gross, but it would potentially be deadly it would burn your eyes it would poison you and Worst part is you don't have water to wash it off because the showers lather time professional hot lather machine Yeah, that's expensive that means it. It also takes up a tremendous amount of counter space. They're small ones. Keep looking. All right. Question about gasoline. Do you guys... I love the smell of gasoline. Love it. Yeah, which I do too. And rubbing

alcohol for that matter. At the gas station, you're just like, that smells good, but have you ever gotten gas on you? Or been in a car where someone got gas on them? No, I don't think so. It's awful. Yeah, really. And you like the smell of gasoline in general? Yeah, well, you're just smelling the fumes of the gas station.

Smells good. But I had a trip years ago with a buddy. We went up to Lake Powell. And he got gasoline on his shorts. And so it was just the whole ride up there, it was just reeked of gas. And it was bad, which is strange of maybe it's too much. Too much of a smell.

Yeah, I guess it's not like alcohol that just kind of, you feel like if you spilled a little bit of rubbing alcohol, it would just evaporate. But gasoline doesn't do that? It stunk forever. All right, Jason, you got two picks here. Liquids you don't want to see coming out your showerhead. Speaking of stunk forever, I'm going to go with yellow urine.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, it's got to be on there. PP going down into the shower, fine. Coming out of the shower, not so good. Not so good. I did have a slight alteration to that one written down, which was the water from the upstairs toilet. So the thought that whatever was in that,

so I'm not gonna draft that, because I think urine is what would be in that water, but. You hope. All right. Would you rather anonymous urine, or urine of someone you know? Anonymous for sure. Mike just about lost it on that one.

Because these questions. I don't know what's going on today. If it's human blood, is that worse? It's all piss. Which was your answer? Someone you know or? No, I want anonymous. I don't want to have to think about,

I don't want to have to personify the piss. You know what I mean? This is just going to be, given how that's a problem. All piss is the same level of dirty, right? No. No? No, yellow is way worse. Yeah.

Because dehydrated person? Well, no, because it's got more waste in it. Okay. Your body's not. So that's why you did yellow urine. That would be gross. Yeah. That's the one I thought would be also one of them.

That's the one that's gonna be stinking. All right, speaking of stinking and disgusting and mostly liquid, I'm going with spoiled milk. Ooh. That is about the worst smell of anything in the world. That is somewhere in my truck. I can't find it. Jason's truck at the moment has a mysterious, hidden, still

barrel of milk. Yes, still, I mean we have, it's been weeks. It's been weeks. I have a cleaner coming out. What have you attempted to fix this? I mean, the car's clean. There's nothing stinky inside that car. So we've checked the air filter.

We've looked under seats. It smells. Or like sour milk. Yeah, smells like milk. It smells. Or like sour milk. Yeah, just like old garbage sour dairy. Something's gone wrong. Very vinegary. Yeah. And you've not gotten to the bottom of that?

I have not gotten to the bottom of that. Have you asked, is someone playing a goof? If someone was playing a goof, it would be the men in this room. It would be Papa Josh or Matt. Doosers. What about your children? They wouldn't. Doosers, Allie.

Yeah, ask them right now. Anybody responsible for the stink in my car? Not me. Matt. Nope, not me. Okay. If I had to guess. Spoiled Milk is a good pick.

I would say Matt. It's a good pick. Mike, you are back, you have gasoline. What's your second pick? I was also trying to factor in some pain here, so I'm going with sriracha. Oh, okay. You think that'll hurt?

Sriracha in your face? Well, I'm not, look, if something is coming out that is wrong, I'm not gonna just put my face in it. I will imagine that the switch over from water to the substance is instant, and while you are also putting your head in the water. Yeah, that's how I looked at it. I will imagine that the switch over from water to the substance is instant and while you are also putting your head in the water. Yeah. That's how I looked at it. Okay. This wasn't a, I turned the shower on like, Oh, I'm not getting in there. Okay. Like that's not very funny. There were a lot of choices. So rocha is a funny one. I like it. It's a

fun word to say. And if that, I mean, if you got blasted in the eyes, it's like mace. Then in the pain category, I will go with what my other number one pick was. Acid. Oh, that's... Well, what kind of acid? What, the muriatic? What do you need to get scientific here? Hydrochloric?

Papa Josh, you pick my acid for me. You don't want muratic or hydrochloric. Okay that's I get both. How about citric? I get acid all right. Oh delicious citric acid. Nice and sour. My second one is is sour candy. Inconvenient. And it's maple syrup. Oh yeah it's on my list. You know and I thought all the different syrups chocolate syrup honey, whatever maple syrup. I mean how long would it take you to get? Maple first of all your showers not working. So you're not going in the shower. Yeah, you're gonna need a plumber So like wait I'm saying to get you need to invite a plumber to help you get the maple syrup

What seems to be the problem sir? My pipes are full of maple syrup. You're never gonna believe this. You got your work cut out. Bring pancakes. Yeah, yeah. This show is a problem. This one's weird. But I'm going maple syrup and final answer there for my third pick with blood and acid. All right. You have gasoline and so right. See it's fun. It is fun to say. Yeah. It's whatever it for similar reasons but not nearly as delicious. I'm gonna go with glue. Oh yeah that would suck. It was right on the air. It was on the list. I mean you like on Elmer's. Yeah Oh, yeah There's a little blue all over the shower. There are it's a great pay a lot of problems Yeah, that's so sticky

Jason has yellow urine and spoiled milk and he's got another pick what? What other thing is Jason gonna add a descriptor onto it? Oh yeah spoiled milk, yellow urine. I'm going to go with... Dirty water. This is two words again. Yeah of course it is. Liquid nitrogen. Okay. You gonna be freezing. You're gonna be dead. You're gonna be dead. Yeah that one's feels like. That one got the Terminator, man. Yeah, that one's a tricky one. Well, it got the T-1000. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was he a Terminator? Yeah, he's a Terminator. They're all Terminators. They're all Terminators. That wouldn't actually make it out of the faucet, right? I don't know how that works. Me neither. But.

I don't. Acid probably wouldn't either, so we're just gonna move on. I don't like any of these. We're just gonna move on. Maple syrup wouldn't. Yeah, none of these would actually come out. And then the last one, I feel like I've got two that I'm between, and

they're both poor man's version of picks that you already have, Andy. It sounds terrible, like bad picks. I thought they were good until yours just beat mine. I'm gonna go with Coke, just Coca-Cola. That would be stupendous You because you just drink it. Yeah It'd be warm coke though, you have to take a cold shower Well, so if it was dr. Pepper be fine control the oh, yeah, hot dr. Pepper's pepper's the thing pretty good

Is it I don't know people tell me to say that I've had it. It's very good. How do you do? Here's the thing. Most people boil it. They bring it in a freaking crock pot. Yeah. I'm not kidding. No, it's yeah, it's real and it's super good. But what's crazy is room temperature. Dr. Pepper. Absolutely right. Disgusting. Like you can't drink room temperature soda. It's awful. I mean, it's like a lot like milk. Right, I guess it's it. You're gonna want cold milk. People drink hot milk. People drink warm milk. Gross. A room temperature milk

sounds disgusting. A room temperature milk means you shouldn't be drinking that. Milk was a bad choice. All right, so you went with Coca-Cola as your final pick with yellow urine, spoiled milk, and liquid nitrogen. Mike has gasoline, Sriracha, glue, and one more pick. I'm going to go... it's look it's gonna end up okay. It's gonna end up delicious, but when it first starts when the chocolate pudding starts coming out of the shower... Oh pudding! You're gonna be scary.

You're gonna be a little bit concerned. So you're gonna have to go from surprise to enjoyment. Yeah, you're gonna go, ah! Oh. Okay. Upgrade! This could have been worse. I mean, and that, I mean, stove top pudding, it's warm, right? I mean, you, I've had warm pudding. It's good. Yeah. So that'll be fine. I'm thinking of cold pudding. I don't know. I didn't factor in temperature. Yeah, because if you make it on a stove top and you want to eat it before you put it in the fridge. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you do. Yeah. Would you do that with Jello? I mean, I haven't made a refrigerator.

That's I'm skipping steps. I haven't made pudding on the stove since the eighties. Oh my God. Oh my. You've I've never made a stove. It is the equivalent. You just buy pudding and they make it. That's true, but it is the equivalent to the way if you make Rice Krispy Treats versus you buy them in the bags, it is a different product. Stovetop pudding tastes completely different. I'll never know. Because of the love? No, because it's like literally different. Because of the lack of like preservatives and weirdum gums and things like that. It's probably in different, because of the lack of like preservatives and weird-um gums and things like that. It's probably in the packet anyways.

You'll net, Mr. I spend half my time in the kitchen anyway cooking stuff, can't be bothered to make one set of delicious pudding? That's correct. Maybe I'll check it out. When was the last time you had pudding? It's been a while. Yeah, because it's now over on your list. Over or under 10 years since you've just eaten pudding?

My parents have made pudding that I've eaten in the last 10 years. Wow. It. Over under 10 years. So you've just eaten pudding. My parents have made pudding that I've eaten in the last 10 years. Wow. It's been over 10 years for me. I don't know if I've ever made it. It's like the only. I know that you've never made it. I've never made it.

I don't know that. I feel like I only have gotten pudding like if I go to a buffet. Yeah. Pudding and beef stew is a real good combo. Oh man, I'm starving. Blood acid maple syrup and I'm gonna wrap it up with I've got a lot of different thoughts. I'll go cooking oil

Mmm, that's just that'd be Debbie nasty. I've got fryer grease. So very similar. Yeah. Yeah, just No No, thank you so Just another classic draft here on the Spitballers podcast. I'm proud of us, no one took diarrhea. Chocolate pudding got us close. You were the only one I was worried about taking something

that really wasn't a liquid because you wanted to say poop. Right, I mean, diarrhea is a liquid. That is fully a liquid. You sure have never had diarrhea. Because when it's going on on you could swear that I have a giant pitcher and I'm just pouring it into the toilet disgusting don't need to say it though clam chowder was an honorable mention I got a liquid tanning spray was an honorable mention oh that'd be fun has

some permanent damage ranch dressing yeah that was on my list melted I got a liquid tanning spray was an honorable mention. Oh that'd be fun. That's some permanent damage ranch dressing Yeah, that was on my list. Melted. I got ranch and mustard thousand Island Melted wax Yeah, okay. That would that would be a big problem Unless you're trying to D hair The main ones that I had I've got sewer water just you know, it's reversing up Old aquarium water bleach bleach was the other one. Oh, there you go.

Bleach was a great pick. I felt like acid was better than bleach. Oh yeah, it is. Yeah, that was my one. But bleach is also bad. Paint thinner. It'll be bad. Nacho cheese.

Anything we're forgetting, Al Borland? That's a good time. I think you covered it. Nacho cheese. The next you I think you covered it The next draft is liquids you do want to see coming out of your shower. Yeah, I'm taking Coca-Cola Some pudding. Yeah All right today was wild but it's it's over What did we learn today, oh man I learned so. I learned about this new phrase sweeping the nation. Beef stew! Yeah, you learned what amnesia really was.

I've learned that my fear of swordfish might be a little overblown, even though I've seen three cases. Confirmed. Yes. All fatalities? Failed. Yeah. Oh, that's a lie. That's so much more of a fear monger. A lot safer from animals in the ocean than I thought. The great whites are not, there's not a lot of them. They're so great. So few. Goodbye. Save the great whites. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.