Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Between the Sheets & Frito Feet - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

Spit Hit for Sept 4th, 2025:In this episode, we discuss having quadruplets, looking different every day, and bedding preferences. Then we jump into Highway To Spell before drafting items for a fight to the death inside an electronics store. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A zippity zaptow zapping a zip to a zip to a fay. Yeah. I don't know what the last thing you said was. I think I said the word today.

I liked it. Zippity zap do. I mean, it's a classic formula that works. What do they call that when it's a... Like when you retrace your steps? Yes. Yeah, is it a... I don't know.

Rubber band? No, that's not... Boomerang? I came back to where I started. A ladder? Something a tonic. Like one of those words. Gin and tonic?

It's a gin and tonic. It's what we just did. it's not like uh no penitonic is a scale it's not pentatonic maybe that's what i'm thinking of i don't know we're dumb all right welcome into the spitballers podcast episode 267 and the holidays are here they are for us right now yeah if you're you know if you're listening to this live we'll have a couple weeks off after this episode so obviously that's why jason delivered such a good scat we've got would you rather oh we We've got highway to spell today.

What? I just found, I thought it was going to be a good show. I thought we were going to have fun today. I thought we were going to enjoy this episode. No, it'll be good. Yes, sir, go to your camera. Go to your camera. You suck.

Okay, you can go back now. Thank you. You're welcome. Wow. We do have another battle royale on the show today, which is always a treat. We'll be stepping into the confines of an electronic store. Mm-hmm. And battling one another.

That'll be our draft at the end of the episode. and follow us on x slash twitter at spitballerspot want to know a little little secret on that scat you oh the zip zap was the electricity from the electronic store okay that was my that was what a secret you're not a zip tie reference no no okay okay uh we are happier with us thank you for supporting the show and telling your friends it's always it's just a kind thing to do And it's the holiday season. So spread some jolly. You know, some people, you know, out in front of the stores, they ring the bells and you put money in.

Right. Is that how we should market the podcast? I'm just saying if you have a bell, then you're out in front of a store. You could be more of a herald for the show. Take no money. If they give you money. I'll let them take money, but talk about our show. Talk about the show.

All right, let's kick it off. Would you rather? All right, Blake from the website, would you rather live the rest of your life without bed sheets or without socks? So are you talking no comforter, nothing, right? Like, you're not just saying just the top. Do I get a blanket? Not just a sheet?

I think this is sheets, right? Because this is like you don't, you still get shoes. You just can't wear socks. You still get a blanket. I mean, that's correct. But you're sleeping on the mattress. But you get a blanket? Yeah, you could cover your shoes.

You get shoes in this, right? No, I'm not, I'm not abating it. I'm just saying it makes it easy. You think so? Yeah. Dude, sleeping. Now, here's the thing. I don't have, I know you're supposed to have like fitted sheet.

Then the sheet and you go under the sheet. Yeah. You go between two sheets. Yes. And then the blanket's on top. But I haven't had the sheet that you go under in 20 years. That's a waste of time. Yeah.

It's a waste of everybody's time. disagree. What? You both put the blanket directly over and you don't use the sheet? Correct. Because the sheet does not exist. Yeah, I don't have one. Yeah, because I don't need it.

I mean, I got a blanket. The blanket, the problem with that is there's a texture difference and an insulation from air. You can get too hot without the sheet being kind of like a. And then your leg goes out. Yeah, I do the leg out too, but that shocks me. Like, there's a reason people do it that way. It's because it's been tried and tested for generations and they realize that a cool

sheet and then a blanket on top of the sheet is unnecessary. Super help. It's one of those things. Like, why do you do this? Now, when you say blanket, do you mean a blanket or a comfort? Comforter. Comforter. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. No, you need the sheet. We use the duvet. Ooh, a fancy boy. Which those things, those things are ridiculous. What are we doing? What makes them ridiculous? Oh, you got to. So, getting it set up. So the duvet is, there's the cover and then you have to somehow. You guys have easy lives. Get the thing into the cover and then you've got to tie it

to the corners like a caveman and it's like I'm tying up a bow and then you're both living stupid lies and then as you're using the duvet like if one corner comes undone then it's all crumply in one side and you're defending the duvay

over using sheets in between it well yeah because that's dumb yeah the sheets is dumb yeah I'm just saying give me a good old fashioned blanket it's the weirdest take I've ever heard That sheets are dumb. No, the top sheet. Because here's the thing, the fitted sheet.

Yeah. Unbelievably important. Unbelievably important. We're on the same page. Because this is the issue in this question of which one would you rather have. If you sleep directly on the mattress, that mattress gets dirty. Is going to be so filthy. It's me nasty.

I won't be able to sleep on that for a long period of time. And it's not like, you know, if I, if I, I'm wearing my shoes without socks, okay, maybe that makes my feet get stinky, but I can replace my shoes. Replacing a mattress like every few months because I don't want to lay down on a, and I would imagine if you don't get sheets, do you get pillowcases? Have fun walking around with stinky shoes all the time, because that's 100% what's coming your way without socks. Not always. Really? Yes, always. No, I got a lot of flip-flops in my closet, brother. Not always.

What do you mean not always? I mean, not always. Not everybody's feet stink. Sockless. It's just a bacterial fat. I'm not, maybe it takes longer to get there. I'm just saying if you use the shoe for a long enough period of time, they will begin to sting because. Yes, a long enough period of time.

Yeah, that's all I'm saying. I had a long stretch of time where when I would wear like only vans and I would wear no socks. Yeah, but you don't know if they stink. I knew. I knew once they began to stink. Yeah, you could smell your own feet. Yeah. you can definitely smell your own feet

and some people like my boy has the smelliest Frito feet of all time now I don't have Did you say Frito? Oh yeah Like they smell like bad Fritos Yeah well socks will help It doesn't help him

Does not help him in the slightest Does he have a condition? He must There must be There's something that went wrong In his DNA I think you either I wonder who he got it from

Not me so I don't have smelly feet I've got great news for you here Mike And for the international listening audience, you at home might be dealing with stinky feet. Some people have it. I know because my daughter had it. There you go. Had it. Oh.

Check this out. Sox. No, no, no. Here's the thing. She had a stretch of time. Oh, my goodness. It was, I mean, it's what you're talking about. She had the Frito feet?

I wish she had Frito feet, Mike. Like, it was so bad. Did you guys label it as anything? We didn't just, just stank feet. I mean, it was, dead fish? It was, it was horrendous. She was going on a trip and, like, with her school and didn't want to go because, like, eventually she's going to take.

She's going to share a hotel room. It would clear out of room. If those shoes were in a room is, it's clear. So we bought, like, the odor, you know, fighting socks and the powders and the little, you know, odor resistant balls he put in the shoes. We did. everything. None of that worked. Well, it all helped. It made it to where you didn't throw up anymore. And that was the real goal. We didn't want her friends to throw up. But it was like a

year ago where I realized like, wait a minute, your feet don't stink anymore. She was like, I know. It just stopped. It just completely stopped. So if you have stinky feet, it doesn't mean that you will always. Like she grew out of it? She grew out of stinky feet. But she's not an adult yet. No, but apparently through the, the, the adolescent years, there's hope for my boy. That's what I'm telling you, Mike. There is a chance that Frito Foot will go away. It's great news because I know how bad a bad foot smells.

I'm going, I'm wearing socks. I'm not living my whole life without socks. The issue with the socks. Legitimately, you can't play sports anymore without devastation. Yeah, I'm, you can't wear shoes. For day to day wear, it's okay. you have you're working out the winter like when it's actually cold i don't know that you can go basketball pickleball done yeah i'm just covered in your you just stop sports no i'm not giving up socks

oh okay yeah after all that after all that yeah i'm wearing i mean i guess you could wear like the the barefoot shoes if you showered if you showered before bed every night oh i would and that would be the practice and then you flip the mattress before you have to replace i can't do the flipman i know that used to be a thing can you buy new tom Where you... Is that a roundabout? I mean, that's like laying a blanket down on it. I know that used to be like a real, like, you'd always flip the mattress.

But now it's like, every mattress I've owned for the last decade, it has like a pillow top. You know what I mean? Where it's like... Right. You can't just flip the mattress and the pillow top is down. Yeah, you would have to change your practices, Jason. No, hold on. Did big mattress pull a fast one on us?

I think they did, man. I think they made it to where they're like, dude, people are flipping this mattress instead of buying a new one. It's our last thing way too long. We've got to make sure there's a top and a bottom. This goes, those crooks. Sneaky snooks, man. Because you can buy a pillow top and just put it on there. Now, wait. Al, you said you rotate yours 90 degrees.

Yeah. Not 180. Correct. So you sleep like short way? No, our mattress is a square. No mattress is a square. A perfect square? Ours is.

No, he's talking about. There isn't a mattress that's a perfect square. Even a regular, like. Good look up. Whatever, what size mattress do you think you have? He's like, every few weeks, his feet start hanging off the bottom. And he's like, man, it fits in the frame perfectly both ways. Okay, but look up the side.

What do you have, a king? It must be a, like a California king is like a California king is way worse. Then it's a king. A regular king is 76 by 80. Yeah, whatever. I'm good. Oh, yes. I knew it.

When he said 90, I was like, I've never heard of that. I'm telling you, we did it yesterday. Yeah, you're really short, so it doesn't matter. If the mattress is 76. There are no square mattresses. You are nowhere near the same height. The boogeyman's coming after my feet because they're dangling. Yeah, they're, try getting shorter.

It's no problem. Yeah, I will. 90 degrees. Okay. A Cali King is 72 by 84, so I really hope it's that. I hope it's a twin. It's a king. And they just go fetal position every three months.

Hold on. Do you guys know there's an Alaska king? What is this? And a Texas king? I have heard of a Texas king. Okay. And a Wyoming king and RV king. What is happening?

What's the biggest one? So the Alaska king seems to be the winner. It is 144 inches by 84. Wait, 144 inches? This thing is. An Alaska king? This is built for co-sleeping. 144 wide?

Yeah. Oh, that's a family. Oh, my. I mean, that's, you're, your, dude, I am buying an Alaskan king, man. That is awesome. That's 12 feet. 12 feet. Oh, yes.

That means six for you, six for your wife? I could. You can starfish. I could not tell you how much I would love that. Wow. Now, but it's going to be a problem finding a bed frame. Is this like you got to build it? Wow, Alaskan king.

Good luck on the sheets, too. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're out there. This is a real size of a mattress. Twelve feet wide. Let me just rotate it 90 degrees. You could.

You could sleep in any direction on that mattress. Wow, I am in love with the Alaska King mattress. Chris from Patreon, as a new parent, would you rather have quadruplets and be done? Okay. Or six children separated by two years a piece. Ooh, that is a great question. So that's 12 years of having a baby. Of having a baby starting over.

Yes, of starting over. The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that obviously at some age, the older children will help with the younger children. That is true. That happens in all the big families. The older kids hate it. But you will have a baby, as you said, a baby in baby stage for the majority of the 12 years. all of the 12 years. So in that case, you're going through

extreme baby age with the quadruplets. But I feel like if you had quadruplets, like, I feel like the world comes out to help you. Absolutely. Like twins are like whatever. They'll still try to help you. But I feel like the more you have, the more it's like, everyone's going to come help.

We started with twins. And when you start, like, when you have your first baby, it's hard you lose sleep it's difficult you hear about all the the the hardships of that first child we started with twins it just was the exact same thing we didn't know any right we didn't know any different it was hard we lost sleep we did but it's like it's hard is hard so give me four i'm i definitely would rather get that out of the way because you got a three-year stretch you know not sleeping is not sleeping there's not like a a different degree of not sleeping yeah I would like to not sleep for six months instead of 13 years.

It's also four kids or six. Yeah, at the end of it, you have six. So, I mean, yeah, it's a better retirement plan, but you either survive or you don't. Yeah, you're saying you survive if you start with four. Yeah, if you're on the quadruplets and I, look, maybe I don't survive. Okay. I gave it, I gave it my best. I'm sorry.

Give it the old college trip. Or you get through it. Because, like, you had the twins. I'm thinking through it, my, my oldest are just a year and a half apart. So, I mean, it was like basically the no sleep, you're just coming out of it, right back into it. So it was a really long time. Yeah, that sounds horrible. You all have four teenagers at the same time.

Papa Josh pointed out of four teenagers. And they are. Talk about, they're going to want cars? They're angry. Yeah, oh, yeah. Teenagers, they are. the things they say about having teenagers they're so far

I'm just getting into it it's all truth I don't want to I don't want to paint with they are angry I don't want to paint with a broad brush but teenagers are idiots yeah yeah all of them 100% of them I don't like I said I don't want to generalize yeah

but 100% of them are idiots you don't want to be hyperbolic or say something that you would regret but they're the worst creatures on Earth. They can't control themselves. And that's just the facts. Yeah. But they do

thankfully, they know everything. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Very wise. Perfect. They are super smart. They literally know 100% of everything that there is. Yeah. They've capped. Up 13. Matt from the website, would you rather wake up every morning looking

like a completely random person? That'd be fun. Or have your spouse wake up every morning looking like a different person. Only affects appearances, not memories or health. I mean, the walk to the mirror would be a fun one every morning. It's like quantum leap. It's like opening a new pack of like cards and seeing what you got.

Yeah, but what about that day that you're looking good? How sad are you going to be tomorrow? I'm never going to sleep. How happy is your spouse going to be that day? Yeah, but it's like, oh man, I don't know if I could give up, you know, being a hymnsworth. just going in the mirror and being like Yes! Yes! Oh, don't let tomorrow come.

But think about it mathematically. Out of how many men are there a Hemsworth? One in how many? Yeah, so I'm going to be sad more often than happy. Is it one in a hundred? Is it one in a thousand? Is it one in 10,000? Specifically a Hemsworth, I would guess like one in a billion?

there's I mean there's multiples of them so you're you might live your whole billions alive that's what I'm saying how many Hemsworths are there because there's about eight billion people every day you're going to walk to your mirror hoping you see Hemsworth and you're going to get Ted yeah and Steve and Bart ooh I don't want to be Bart so that's I mean more people are ugly than they are good looking right that's actually a good question and the answer right absolutely it's in the eye of the beholder Andy Yeah.

No, more people are ugly than are attractive. What percentage of people are ugly? We got, we got five people in here right now. 90% according to Quora. We got five people in here right now. We're running about three-fifths ugly. So, checks out. Yeah, the math extrapolates.

Oh, my gosh. Which three? That's for you to decide. Just so, you know, unattractiveness or ugliness is the degree to which a person's physical features are considered aesthetically unfavorable. Yeah, that That's so much worse. According to one person,

the good-looking people are between 7 and 8% of the population. So, let's just call it 1 and 10. 1 in 10, you're happy when you wake up. The rest of the time, you're like, dang it. I find your aesthetics unfavorable. Yeah. Look, that's true, though. It's okay.

Three times a month I'm happy? Yeah, three times a month you're happy. man actually here's the honest truth uh i think this is tough i don't know what to say and what not to say yeah this was basically a trap basically what i was going to do is give women credit because i think women give more grace about a man's appearance than men give for a woman's appearance on with a broad brush. Yeah, we don't paint broadly, but yes, 100%.

But like in that case, I think that's true. So like it'd be better for you to be the one that every day changes. Now, like in our situation. You're the better person, honey. Yeah, basically, you're the better person. I'm Bart today. I'm not strong enough

all the barts out there are like, what's wrong with me? Counter argument. Counter argument. Again, broad. brush here. Most women wear makeup and can doll themselves up and men don't. And hide it?

Well, I'm just saying like they get, you know, when my wife goes out, she gets all like, taking a turn. Fancy. I can't, like, if I'm ugly, but if I'm ugly, I don't know how to, like, change my face at all. You know what I mean? Like, I can't, I don't, I don't know how to do some fancy eye shadow. You don't have the skills to kind of like change the percentage. Exactly. Now,

I mean, you never have to work out. That's true because it wouldn't make any difference. But I don't have to work out now. That's what I mean, it's just true. Hold on. I've got maybe something that changes the effects here. Overall, unattractive participants in a study. It says they show very little awareness that strangers do not share their view about their attractiveness.

Oh, that's good. So when you aren't necessarily that attractive, you don't generally have awareness that other people know it. Like you might view yourself more favorably. Or more negative. Why? Because everyone's their toughest critic. Do you think that's true? Do you think more people

are better looking than they think they are? Or are worse looking than they think they are? I think more people are better looking than they realize. Oh, that's really nice, Mike. I don't think that's true. I do because we're all so self-focused. We like we see We see imperfections in ourself and you're like, hey, have you ever notice this about me? No. No, that does happen.

Like whenever you take a photo and somebody's looking at the photo, they're like, oh. We all look at ourselves. They're all like, oh, I look so this. And nobody else even notices that. Yeah. Yeah, because they're looking at themselves. Yeah. They didn't look at you in the photo.

Exactly. I'm looking at myself going, oh, that's, I'm not looking good there. It's funny. But no one else is caring. I mean, we're getting all deep now. But it's funny because you only see yourself in a mirror or in. in a photograph so you never see yourself the way that other people see you and you don't see it with any of the like like my mirror shows me my face straight on right i don't see my peripheral

i definitely i don't know what my profile is i look better to myself than to others because my profile is my worst so and i don't see it see what are you talking about what's wrong with your profile you need a profile mirror yeah no i'm just saying like i'm fatter from the side than from straight on so I only see myself from straight on and I'm looking good but I know you see me from the side and it's like I apologize

that's the truth I've had that thought like a hundred times of my life have you thought about just like shuffling sideways for all your movement and never turning don't let anyone see me you rotate with everybody he always rotates on all moments

he's walking sideways You're like crab walking down the hallway. It just depends on where the people are. Please don't look at me sideways. The problem is right now, you guys are on both sides of me. I got to back way off. You did. You won the lucky draw then of our set design.

Oh, this wasn't lucky draw, man. This was 100% by design. I don't know if you guys are aware of this. You got a profile, man. But when we started building this set out, I 100% tried to make sure I was here. 100% for fat profile view. So I'm in the middle. Where are you guys?

Yeah. I mean, it was. Why do you keep making your laptop bigger? Yeah, yeah. No, that's definitely, that's a real thing and is why I'm here. I love not being profile on camera. And so do the people. He would be recording like this if he was in my chair.

For sure. Welcome to the show. okay um so did i guess i'm choosing myself i think my wife is more forgiving final answer yeah i think we have to choose ourselves sir oh my gosh uh time to move on highway to spell let's move on to other forms of torture i just i i i love jeremy so much i just remembered how much i don't like him anymore yeah well profile or straight on he's a straight on me he's a straight on me

I think I got a full spit-tick I think I got into a full legit spit-take oh my gosh oh my gosh you almost lost oh man you're a real straight on man

oh okay highway to spell here we go Mike is the returning champ made it all the way to 11th grade last time. Everyone else put up a good fight, but yeah, I think the other two of you were out in

seventh or eighth grade last time. Oh, no one remembers. All right. Shall we? We shall. And it starts with the scat guy? Always starts with you, Andy. Every time you try to get somebody else to go first.

Because it's unfair. Go on. It's the same words. Yeah, but I have the highest potential for embarrassment to go out instantly. All right, go ahead. That's fair. We're starting with fifth grade. level. Andy, here's your fifth grade level word.

Amusement. Amusement. Okay. Yeah. That's easy. That's that one's easy. A-M-U-S-E-N-T. Amusement. Yeah.

Okay. I did have a moment there. I was like, wait, does that middle E belong? Oh. But it does. Good. All right. Fifth grade level word for Mike.

Here you go. Continued. All right. Continued. Get this right. And your rain. Continued. Continued. Continued. You better give me an easy one. C-O-N-T-I-N-U-E-D. All right. All right. I got a little nervous there for a minute. When you're on the clock, like right now, I'm sweating.

There has to be an E in there. There'll be a continud. All right, Jason, here is your fifth grade level word. Happily. What? Happily? Happily. Happily. Happily. H-A-P-P-P-E. H-P-P-E. I-L-Y. All right. What is that all about? Fifth grade is super easy. We're grown adults. We can handle it.

It's just as easy as happen. All right. Let's see how sixth grade treats you. Andy, here is your sixth grade level word. Cissors. There's a silent letter in that. Yeah. S-C-I-S-O-R-S-S-S-E-S-E-S-E-S-E-S-R-S-E.

Oh, thank goodness. Why? What? Why is a C-E-N-A-N-A-N-W-E-E-N-A-W. What's happening? skisers what are we doing here i guess it's science yeah same thing all right mike what are we sixth grade right i'm up here's your word independence oh yes oh no yes i'm so oh no which one is it which one is it i don't oh man oh no i'm struggling too guys

why not no i'm not i definitely got right pen it's it's it's a right could be oh no it is in your mind right now independence independence independence oh no oh yeah oh no champion might be over it may be oh let's hear it mike play the word one more time. Independence. Independence. I am, oh gosh. He started spelling the word.

I and D-E-P-E. I like it because the previous word was scissors, and he's like, oh, that's got an extra letter. And then he wants it played a bunch of times. Like, that's going to help. We're going to go. Do it. Do it.

Do it. E-N-C-E. Oh, thank goodness. When I wrote it with dance, it looks wrong. Yeah, so I put dance down. That was the first feeling. That was what I put down first too, but it didn't look right. Yep.

It just feels wrong when it's all ease. It's like. Independence. Yeah. All right, Jason, your turn. Sixth grade. Here's your word, Jason. Audience.

Okay. There. I think our audience is all the easy ones. I think our audience is going to continue to listen to all three of us. Okay. A-U-D-I-E-N-C-E audience. I'm the smartest panel line. Hey, this has got to be a, is this a record?

We're taking. Not yet. We're hopping on the bus, heading to junior high. Let's go. All right, Andy, your seventh grade level word. Raspberry. Play that again? Raspberry.

Singular? It is singular. I'm going to get an alternate. I'm, am I crazy or am I hearing? Brasbury The word is Raspberry I know

play it again because it did not say Brasberry go back to the other one Raspberry No we're all

hearing raspberry R-A-S-P B-E-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-B-R-R-S-B It's a Let me see Let me see what you had right down there It looks wrong

It looks wrong to me Yeah you left the P right out R-A-Z-Z-Z I put S-S-S I put S is actually, but then I was like that looks wrong. There's one is. I don't know what's wrong with this, but it's wrong.

All right. You didn't get dealt that Ratchberry. Also, you forgot the B at the top of the word. Brassberry. Mike here is your 7th grade level word. Biro. What? Goodbye, everybody. What is that word?

Bureau, like the Federal Bureau of investigation. Oh, man. Bureau. I got that one. I can spell this like five different ways. Bureau? Yeah.

That is correct. Okay. B-E-A-U-R-O. No, you're dead. You dead, boy. I told you. Oh, wait, is that how you spell? What do you got, Andy?

Oh, the E-U-R-E-A-U, Bureau. That is correct. Okay. I put the E-Z at the wrong spot. I won't even turn my board around, fellas. I deleted it. Here's what I wrote. I'm not showing you how I tried to attempt to spell bureau.

The champ is gone. He's gone. Look, I'm looking at it right now, and it looks just as correct as the real spelling. All right, Jason. All right, Jason. Let's keep this going. Here's your seventh grade level word. Extinguish.

Extinguish. No, you spell bureau. Spell it even after hearing the right answer. Dude, if you ask me to spell bureau right now, I don't think I can do it. I know. Hold on. I want to try that.

Well, extingu. Okay, I do your word. E-X-T-I-G-U-I-S-H. Okay. All right. Bureau. Okay. Now do Bureau, just for the fun.

Wait. Yeah, I think you got it. Did I get it right? Yeah, you got it. Okay. Okay. Off to, are we in eighth grade now? Just me and Jason?

That is correct. Lucky. Andy, here is your eighth grade level word. Advantageous. Play it one more time. Uh-oh. Advantageous. Man.

It seemed like it was really super easy until the end. Nope. I'm worried. A-D-V-A-N-T-A-G-O-U-S. Advantageous. Nice. That is, yeah. I just had to go with the first.

first writing and just move on. For the record, I did get that one right. Nice. Congratulations. What about this one? I got this one wrong. Lieutenant. Yep. See you later, everybody. Oh, man. Lieutenant? That's impossible.

There's no way. Make him do this. Dude, if you gave me 10 tries. Okay, all right. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Left tenant? I don't know what that pronunciation was. We'll go back to the original. Lieutenant.

I think I got it. Oh, man. I can get the first letter here. I am worried about mine. I don't know how to get to the second letter. Guys, I even need that. I don't know. I feel like we could give you the second letter in you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to. Oh, my gosh. Guys, this is, I, my brain can't possibly spell this. Lieutenant. Please. There are so many things I want to see. on that board.

So many letters. It's looking good right now. I know what that means, Mike. I have my guess at how to spell them. Yeah, I have mine too. Oh my gosh. Go for it. All right.

Here we go. L-U-U-T-I-N-A. Okay, yeah. What in the world. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's see if Mike and I have it right. L-I-E-U? That's what I have.

That's correct. So, T-E-N-A-N-T. That is correct. That's what I got, too. Yeah, baby. Oh, man, that is great. I'm back in. I was hoping he started L-O-O.

Well, I could tell you this. I had no idea what the second letter was. I knew there was a problem right off the bat. But I wasn't sure if it was an E or you. And it was an I. But it was an eye. So wait, do I get to go to high school and see if I can pass Mike? You do.

Yeah, we're going to see if you can graduate. Be the first ever. Woo. Congrats, Bureau and Lieutenant over there. Yeah. It's nonsense. All right, Andy, here is your ninth grade level word. Hindrance. What?

Hindrance. H-I-N-D-R-A-N-C-E, hindrance. That is correct. All right. Wait a minute. It's not a hindrance. It's not a hindrance. It's hindrance.

Yeah. Wow, good job. Hinderence. Now, did Mike get past 11th last time? Well, you're on 10th right now. Mike went out in 11th. That's right. That's right. Okay.

here's your 10th grade level word Obstetrician What the heck? Yeah, eat it. The champion I think you could get this. Obstetrician. I'm just going to, for the sake of time,

I'm going to write it again. Hold on. Here it is again. Obstetrician. Now they make obstacles, right? Oh, my gosh. I don't think I got it right, but O-B-S-T.

E-T-R-I-C-I-A-N. Oh! Wow. Woo! I had my odds at about 10% on that one. I stopped listening to you halfway through because I assume there's no way. I felt real good when I didn't hear the horn as I was going the mid-letter. I was like, wait a minute.

All right. We're on to 11th grade. If you get this right, you've officially gone further than anybody has yet. Okay. This is a big deal. Physiognomy. Wait, wait, one to the law. Say it again.

Physiognomy. That's not a word. Physiognomy. That's not a word. The art of discovering temperament and character from outward appearance. Physiogrammy? Physiognomy. Oh.

Physiognomy. Physiognomy. Physiogneumni-o-n-m-me? What the heck? Well, I just. Okay. P-H-Y-S-I-I-O. O G-N-O-M-Y, physiognomy.

Sorry, say the, spell it one more time for me. P-H-Y-S-I-O-G-N-O-M-Y, Physiognomy. Whoa! Dude! He sounded it out. I did. Can you graduate? I, I Googled- That's not even a word that exists.

I googled physiognomy incorrectly, and it said, did you mean physiognomy? And when I saw physiognomy how it was spelled, I went, well, he's out. Yeah, I thought I was toast. Okay, let's graduate high school. Keep going. All right. Here is your 12th grade level word. Averda poise.

What? Abricadabra. Say it a few thousand different ways. Averda poise. I literally don't know what you're saying. I just spelled this and Google has no idea. I literally, can you pronounce it? I don't know what you meant.

Avward de poise. Avward de poise. Google says it looks like there aren't many great matches for research. I mean, I, this is the end. Advert, at, what? Avward de Poise. I mean, I can write it exactly as it sounds and it sounds ridiculous. A, V, W, E, R, D, A, P-O-O-I-I-R-D-A, P-O-I-I.

I-S-E? You were wrong a long time. Oh, okay. All right. What is the word? Avward de poise. I, uh, a system of weights based on a pound, I don't know, uh, it's A-V-O-I-R. Okay.

Yeah, that's not happening. P-O-I-S. Okay. English words only, please. Wow. Okay. Well, I feel good. Did I get farther than Mike?

Yeah. That's the new high score. All right. Good enough for me. Well, we have stepped inside an electronic store. We have a battle royale in store, and obviously we're fighting to the death. So, Jason, you get to select the first weapon or whatever of choice from the store as we begin our fight. Okay.

I know one I really, really, really want. I think it might be the best actual weapon, but I think there's a chance it comes back to me. I'm not sure that this one does. This isn't a great one-on-one draft. I don't feel like... At least I didn't see one that was a definitive. I'm thrilled to hear you say that because I wasn't like, oh, yeah, get the, get the gun. You know, it's just there's not...

We're fighting at a gun store. There's not a lot of things here, but I think a dual-purpose weapon that is heavy, strong. It's basically like a baseball bat, and it can pump me up and get me ready for a fight. I'm taking a Sonos sound bar. Oh, okay. Interesting. Now I can put on my, I can put on my jams while. Now, it has to be a Sonos brand sound bar.

It can't be just a sound bar. Well, whatever the biggest heaviest sound bar is, but I'm just thinking like. Yeah, a sound bar. Yeah. I actually didn't think about the sound bar. I think that's good. Thank you. Now, if you keep it plugged in to pump you up, you will have limited range.

They don't have any bad. batteries in there? I mean, I'm just saying, like, if you want the music coming out, you need just keep that in mind. The music pumps me up, then I unplug it and I take it. That's fair. Across your face. It's fair. Look, I'm not exactly sure what I'll use it for. I just know I want it on my team. Maybe it's a little surveillance. Oh, that's a word I can't spell. Maybe it's, maybe I can weaponize it at some point in time. But I'm taking a drone. Yeah. I'm taking a drone. That's what was my first pick. So, and I can, I think, a regular drone, if I just run it of your face, it's not going to feel good.

Yeah, you just, you go for the hair. Yeah. Wait, the hair? Oh, yeah. With the propeller blades? Oh, man. To lower your, like, morale? I don't have to worry, baby.

I'm so, like, oh, to tie it up. Yeah, like, we have shorter hair, so it's not going to be. I thought you meant to, like, cut your hair so you're embarrassed. No, I'm saying, like, imagine having long hair and a drone hits it. I mean, you're going for your eyes, Mike. All right. I feel like, in my experience, using drones, they, they break. Yeah.

All the time. If they barely hit something, if I see a drone coming at me, I'm just going to put my hand up and break it. Okay. Give it a go. But I like the security aspect. You could see where we are at all times. I would just fly it. You'll be near your speaker cable.

I would fly up, you know, high and surveil. Yeah. Is that a word? You pronounce it well. Yeah, it is. It is now. All right. Two picks for Mike.

Now, I realize that, like, this is a. you know, it'll have to be plugged in for it to actually be functional. But it's also just the size of a, if I get, if I need like a stabbing weapon, I'm going to take a soldering iron. What? I've never seen a soldering iron at an electronic store. What, what kind of electronic store are we talking about? I know you can't go to, you can't go to Best Buy and buy a soldering iron.

I know that. That's a hardware store. I'm talking about like a radio shack, like a little boy, I'm buying electronic pieces. You wouldn't be doing soldering there? Okay. I mean, I'll leave it up. I'm thinking about the complete wrong store there. I don't think a soldering iron sounds like an electronic store.

I feel like there is only one electronic store left in the world and it's best buy. You're saying like you go into fries electronics. You couldn't find a soldering iron? They're out of business. Well, okay. That's fine. You can literally find everything in a fries of electronics. But if we're, okay, there was, I think we were, me and Jason clearly were thinking, Best Buy is an electronic sore that exists, right? Is that where we both think of us? I'm thinking what could I go get from? I mean, Al, you haven't weighed in. All right. I was thinking Best Buy as well and I don't think you can get a soldering. Okay. Well, then I will, I will change my pick then. I'm not trying to slow your roll. Can I get a flashlight at Best Buy? Is it near Christmas?

Dude, I, apparently I don't know what Best Buy sells anymore. man, they're a blast. You should go. They sell fridges. They sell. That's fridges and computers. So you do know what they sell. No, I mean, okay. Uh, I will take I feel like we've thrown mic off considerably. Yes, because when I'm thinking about, like I'm thinking about like computer parts. I think you're thinking of Home Depot. No. Okay. You can definitely get a flashlight. Yeah, and a soldering iron. Okay. Uh, can I get a lawnmower. Are there? Let's see. So, do they sell cameras at best box yes yes and i'll take a camera tripod perfect perfect that's

actually not on my list that's pretty good it's a blunt item i feel like i can protect myself with it at least a little bit now unfortunately for you you have one more yeah i do i do is there computer parts yes absolutely okay so can i buy like can i take heat sinks yeah yeah yeah I think they saw these things there. Yeah. We're all like, of course. Well, I mean, at an electronic store to make the leap to computer parts, I don't think that's a leap.

I think it's a computer store. Okay, okay. So what's a heat? You're saying like a really sharp metal. Yeah, those, those, they're heavy. Okay. And they're covered with corners. And I feel like these are a good throwing item.

Got it. All right. Okay. Those are paint. Yeah, those are, those are metal. Also, how is Best Buy still in business? Because they started selling fridges. Right.

All right. Jason, or it's back to me. Yeah. Oh, shoot. Well, the tripod spear was certainly on my list. I think I'm going to go with the bundle of cables. I think the Ethernet cable bundle, it's a whip, it's a trap. I might be able to use it with the drone.

I don't really know how. but I think I'm going to take a bundle of cables in general is going to be my pick. Okay. So you just... Yeah, no, cables is a great pick. Yeah, I get all the cables. Okay.

Well... Because I'm going to make a whip out of them. I'm going to also, maybe a noose if you know, if you don't apologize when I catch you. The pick I wanted in the beginning did come back to me. It is somewhat similar to yours, except mine has a weapon on the end of it. All right. I am getting a surge protector with a 10 foot cord. and I will be whipping that thing around like a mace.

Is that what it's called? Is that, is that, is that, yeah, the mace, the, the spinny, spiky ball? Yeah. Yep. I have, I have one of these surge protectors that I've had for 20 years. It is the beefiest, girtiest, like, this is a weapon. And I just, I had it in my mind of like I could, I could really not kill anyone, but I could give you major bruises.

Josh is saying a flail. Isn't a flail more whip-like? Am I thinking of that wrong? No, the flail's the thing with the ball at the end of the chain. It is? Mace is a stick with an attached ball. Oh, okay, but doesn't spin. Okay, so it is the flail.

Okay. All right, okay. Well, I'll be flailing around with my surge protector. Surge protector is great. That's a great selection. All right. I don't think they make them like they used to. Those old ones were like metal.

Yeah, that's what I mean. I've got an old one that's just... Oh, no, you're at a new store. Oh, that's fine. I'm getting a new one, but I'm going to get the biggest one they have. They got big ones. There's going to be like 12, 12 outlets on this sucker. No, that's good.

Mine's more of a whip. Yours is more like, yeah, that's painful. Like a flail. Okay, so I've got one more pick here. You have taken the cords, which were up there. I want some kind of shield. And I'm trying, I got a couple different shield options here. But I feel like the one that I could use the best.

I'm going to take the metal grate off of a gas stove. That's what I'm using. So you go to the appliance section at Best Buy. You got a nice gas stove top. Oh, that metal grate. Oh, it's mine, baby. Okay. Okay, I see what you're saying.

You know what I'm saying? I was trying to think you are you're not just talking about like a burner. No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about the one that, like, covers the five or six burners. The whole top comes off. Okay. And you've got, I've got a blunt metal object. I've got, I can block, I can whip, I can hit.

Yes, Jeremy is saying, so the metal grate with holes in it, that's your shield? I did think about that. Yeah, there are holes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. A lot of them. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, the flame has to come through. That's good because I'm going to take a computer monitor shield. That's what I'm taking. Okay. Because I didn't want to take a TV. I can't carry a TV around. I want to take a tablet. It's too small.

I'm not going to be able to, that's not a good enough shield. What size monitor are you working with you? I think I'm working with like maybe a 24 inch I think 24 inch I want to be nimble You have to do yeah you have to do a weight Jason you're more of like a 30 I would go 33

Yeah I mean it's it's different I want to stay I got a whip You know what I mean Right I have to move you want to one hand I have to move quick I need to one hand it You've got your your surge protector and your sound bar

I don't know I don't know if you can hold a double shield I could have well my fingers fit through the grate So I can hold that that metal grate up Just don't hit my fingers okay hurt me all right Mike you got a couple picks all right so I'm trying to find stuff that is specifically available on on best buy's website mm-hmm best buy's website sells everything

mhm my Jason had the same thought I did you just got to go into a best buy and buy something imagine the last time you were to I know you've been in a best buy before yeah we're at the last time I've been in a best buy with you before I know for a fact you've been to one of these It's apparently been a very, very, very, very long time. Wow. You should go. I really do love. Why? There's nothing to buy there.

Well, don't go for soldering irons or lawnmowers. That was Jason's. Okay, what do I remind me what I have, Jeremy. You've got a tripod. You've got a heat sink. Or maybe I'll give you a few heat sinks. Yeah, yeah. It's multiple.

Yeah. Everything they got. Okay. maybe okay so i'll grab a i'll grab one of those uh motorized vacuums as a distraction okay the little the uh the roomba right what yeah i like the room because you could wait are you saying i can't get a no you can get a room you can get a room i'm just shocked that that's the vacuum you picked i it no i like it it's a distraction because i'm gonna send it off into the corner it's going to be making a whole bunch of noise or you ride on it and your movements are entirely unpredictable

and mostly into turning and into the wall. No, I think the Roomba, you could probably use that thing. How in the world would you use a Roomba as a weapon? I mean, a distraction, I get it. That's what you're doing. That's all it is. I don't know, you've drafted a great that has, it's not a shield. Okay, it's a weapon.

You can, like, literally shoot right through it. Shoot what? What do you have to shoot? Heat sinks. Yeah, my heat sinks are coming. The heat sinks not fit through that great. Thumb drives. There you go.

Peep, pew, pew, pew. Oh, take these SD cards. The art of war. It's going real good, Al. The art of war. Real good. Element of surprise. Yeah.

No, no, no, I'm in. Okay. I'm in on that. Surprise is far more valuable than your weapons. And then I'll take the things you turn, the sprays. Yeah. When you turn it upside down, you get the. Canned air.

Yeah, I was going to take it. You can shoot it right through Jason Shield. And that's at Best Buy. That is definitely a Best Buy. That's how they've stayed in business. That is pure profit. They're selling eight. Now you are turning in a month.

upside down, right? Of course. You've got to get the, you're not just spraying me with regular air. No. What's actually in there that's coming out that's freezing? Yeah, it's like. What isn't there? Well, is it CO2? Something in there like. I'm sure one of our producers. I'm asking the smart people in the room. I think it's just cancer. It's weaponized virus. It's the propellant. Whatever the propellant is. Okay. Now, um, my final pick here, uh, I thought about, I mean, Jason, you could take it if you want, but I thought about taking some smart cameras and alarm, but I've already got surveillance with the drone. Yeah, you've got your drone. And I thought about taking maybe like a smart thermostat and really freeze you guys out in one part of the store. But that would take a while.

It would. Probably just walk to the other part of the store. So I can take a fridge, right? As a fortress? Sure. A refrigerator, a stainless steel refrigerator fortress? You could stand on it? Yeah.

I can get inside of it. You can. And then you're never going to get out. My drone is my eyes on the outside. Like, don't they tell you, kids, don't ever play in refrigerators. I think the new ones they let you out of. Well, not when my search protector has tied the door shut. All right.

This is not the last, first time I've taken a fridge, I think, and been tied inside. You didn't learn your lesson. Oh, no, what it was is I took a wheelbarrow that I was going to hide under and you guys were just going to sit on top of it. All right, I'm taking a refrigerator fortress. Okay. I mean, you at least have, you can. can hide behind it. Yeah.

Run around it. Yeah. I can whip behind it. You know what I mean? And Jason. Yeah. Finish this merciful. Yeah.

Mercifully end this draft for us. All right. I'm a little jealous of the heat sinks coming at my fingies. They're sharp, but I think they're not going to be as easy to throw as you think. So this is an electronic store. They've got an endless supply of batteries. I'm taking. Yeah, the batteries.

taking the batteries to throw it to face. I've been there, done that. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. You have gotten batteries in a fight before. Um, I feel like I've got a lot of other very similar, like a TV wall mounting kit. But I've already got my great. Well, yeah, that you would take a mount as your shield, I'm sure. Hmm. Jason is swinging his soundbar. He's whipping his surge protector around. He's holding a great for some reason. And he's got some batteries in his pocket. He's flung. he's flying you know okay i'm not gonna hate i'm not gonna accept this besmirching of the great that might be the literal best actual weapon like if we were to go brawl and i have one of those super heavy

cast iron metal pieces of anything i'm winning that fight just don't call it a shield when you pick it that's all all right it's a blunt object my brass knuckles okay yeah two handed though i've got the drone flying around i'm whipping my cables I've got a computer monitor shield and a fridge fortress to hide in. Mike? I have a flashlight, a soldering iron. And a lawnmower.

There is a 0% chance. You can't go to Best Buy right now and get a flashlight. I think you might, but it's probably a teeny one. It might not be worth it. No, they're definitely going to have the ridiculous television ones that blind people. I dare you to go look for one. I've, what, hey, it's a field trip. I'll go go be surprised by what.

Mike is. dabbing with his tripod. He's throwing heat sinks around. His Roomba is distracting us in the corner, and he is trying to get close enough to freeze us with some canned air. And that is the end of that draft. I, you know, a printer was on the list because that's a blunt object, like a printer.

I also thought about taking. They still sell the cordless phones there, you know? They still sell like the four pack of the cordless phones. And I feel like I could throw those pretty well. Yeah, they're handheld. I can't believe those exist I know you can still go buy them people still have them

Wow I guess you could buy cell phones and throw those too Or take a bunch of the cell phones out of that part of the store do you have anything else on your list Jason I'm not asking Mike Yeah I have just don't know what electronics store I had like 40 years You literally just said you haven't been to one in forever Best Buy I had

Like a vacuum cleaner like a Dyson Yeah I did think about that Which would be better Laser pointer take out the eyes. You got a TV, like a 4-inch small TV. Do they sell microphone stands there? I thought about that.

I don't think so. Probably not professional. It would be like a kiddie one. So it's just going to be light plastic. God, I didn't pick that. That would have been embarrassing. Anything we forgot over there? Producer?

I think we should end this. Okay. You got it. What did we learn today? We know the same thing. I learned that I need to get an Alaska side. I learned that Mike has no idea what a Best Buy is. Well, I know what a Best Buy is.

They have gift cards. That's right. At the front. Yep. Mike, did you learn anything today? I think I learned you guys don't know what a real electronic store is anymore. They don't exist. Best Buy is all that's left.

Mike was in an old Radio Shack. I think that would work. If we were dropped in in a radio shack, some of these things would be there. That's right. When did they shut down? The 80s? Yeah, all right. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.