Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Blind Money & Best Salad Dressings - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

Monday’s here, but we’re making it better with a brand new episode! Would you Rather gets us thinking deep and even seeing what our wives would do in a certain situation. Man of the People returns and we bring it all home with a Best Salad Dressings Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Aro-do-do-do-d-de-le-le-bo-bo-bo-bo-ding ding-ding. Okay. Oki dokey. I felt okay about that. Oh, that was fantastic. The ding-ding.

brought it home because it wasn't a dingy. Yeah. That's how the trolley goes. That's not bad. I felt like I brought the energy front to back. A lot of times we trail off. I don't know how to finish it. I felt like it worked out. That was pretty good. I mean, I think that's episode 380 kind of stuff.

Is that how many episodes? 380 episodes, Jason. Dude, that is a lot. You want to know what makes it challenging is we that's 380 drafts. I mean, I know it's not exact because we weren't drafting on the first couple episodes. But just about that's hard to find.

You know how many times we suggest drafts for these shows and then we find out, you know what? We've kind of done that draft before. I was thinking we were going to do old lady names. Which is a great draft. We've done old people names already. Yeah. The ladies were included.

So we need to just send them in. Send them directly to Al Borland on Twitter. Producer Borland. Let them know some sweet ideas. Because today we are drafting the best salad dressings on today's episode. That'll be our draft. We got Would You Rather a man of the people and we're kicking it off right now. Would you rather? Would you rather, Jason, be utterly exhausted all of the time? Okay. That's normal. Or extremely anxious all of the time, which I don't. That is not normal for me. See, I don't know if you relate to anxiety in any real measure. But Mike and I do.

I can tell you that this is a dumb question. Because you have dealt with anxiety. Yeah. If you have. have ever had anxiety or panic attacks and you're like, hey, the tradeoffs are you could be that, which also then turns into you being exhausted, by the way. Like, after if, if you've had a good, like a real structured panic attack, you're taking a nap. You are, you're going right to bed as soon as it's done. So you have to do part and parcel. Yeah. So to have to do both or just be exhausted, it's not.

even close to a question. Yeah, I mean, I feel like even though you are not a naturally anxious person, Jason, you probably had moments in life in which you have felt the pinch of anxiety. There's been a time or two. It's obviously much worse than feeling lethargic. What is it?

But I do wonder if... Like when you get a blood draw? Would you call that anxiety? Yeah. Yeah. When you have to kill a spider? Like that for like two hours. I mean, it sounds awful, but I wonder if like

what is the opposite of these? So is the question here, obviously I think we would all say we'd rather be exhausted than have anxiety attacks. Yeah. But then what is the, so if you pick the other, for instance, if I pick, okay, I'd rather be, I'd rather deal with anxiety attacks. Does that mean that I am the opposite of the other one? Like you have a bunch of energy? Like I just have. More energy hurts the anxiety.

Yeah. The more you got going on. While you are actively in the panic attack, you have more energy than you know what to do with. except you can't do anything because you are absolutely paralyzed. To your point, if you're utterly exhausted, are you not anxious in any way, shape, and form? Right, exactly. Like, you're not a care in the world, just tired? Just walk up to the bank robber.

You know, no fears whatsoever. I'm too tired for this. I mean, I don't. I guess I would just really love to have more energy. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, everyone would. You're on your way. We're figuring that out. Get on that tea.

you're going older Jason Yeah It's an easy vote for me I'd rather be tired And exhausted Because that comes with the other one anyways I will take your guys's word for it I'm very happy that I don't deal with anxiety

Brother you should be You should be Very grateful All right next question Your local wizard is in a very good mood He has given you the final say on how to bless the human race Which of course he's capable of doing It sounds kind of more like not a local wizard, but maybe like he's got control over everything.

Like he's not just local. Yeah, but he lives by you. Oh, okay. Gotcha. Would you rather, you got three choices. Give every human on earth a delicious, hearty, nutritious meal one time a day. That's big. That's all you really need.

That's big nutritious meal a day. So that would, that solves world hunger. Okay. Yeah, it's done. Now, what about all those? Number two? I don't want to know what you were thinking. No, go on.

Number two, make every person 20% more intelligent. So, I mean, that would make the world better. I mean, I will say this. You don't like the 20% number? Yeah, the real unintelligent people that I've met. You don't think 20% is the difference? 20% better is not helping. Or number three, improve overall immunity systems and disease resiliency by 20%.

Now I feel like I'm in a video game. Wouldn't you have overall immune help and disease resiliency if everybody was actually eating delicious. Or more intelligent, actually. It would be... Because you wouldn't like eat your fingers after you wipe them on the escalator. That would be helpful, obviously. You know, your immune system is not going to be running as well.

Don't people lick escalators. Sorry, go on. Your immune system is not going to be running as well if you are malnourished. Of course. However, for the majority of the world that is not currently malnourished, you know, you look at the immune system. I mean, how much less cancer would we get if your body, is operating. Do you know the percentage of the world that's malnourished?

Because I have it for you. It's going to be a really sad number. It's actually, it's surprisingly lower than I thought. Genuinely, I was with you. When I looked it up, it was according to the United Nations. I would have thought it would be like 8%. Come on, Jason. He's such a good guesser.

Wait, what is it? 7.8%. That's a silly. That's so many people. It is a lot of people. It's so many people. So that equates. That's what I'm doing.

That's equates to 645 million people. Yes, then I'm feeding everybody. But if you rid the world of 20% of the cancer that's there, that's more people, right? Yeah, I think it is. No. But this also doesn't cure cancer. No. Right?

This is because how is it? A 20% bump? No. You know. So I have that number two. That one's easy. 10 million die of cancer worldwide each year. 645 is what you would save on the malnourished thing.

Yeah. Now, mind you, the malnourished are not all dying. So look, this is why it's a great, it's a great question. I don't, I think, The intelligent one is out. Yeah, that's out. That's out. Because it's just 20%.

Like, if you said if you made everybody under 200% more intelligent, now we were talking about something. 200% or if everybody was just, the zeros can go to 100. The hundreds go to 200 and they're superpowered. When you get 200%, you're like, now maybe we're at a level of intelligence where we can move past selfishness. And, like, oh, it's me, me, me, me, me, me.

20%, like, the bad, the bad selfish people, they're 20% smart now, too. Now, intelligence doesn't always equate to moral good, though. I mean, like, no. Like, if you make a, if you make a bad guy, 200% more intelligent, do they become a good guy? I think so. So you're telling me, 200% more intelligent, I don't got to lock my doors anymore? I think so. 200%?

Yeah, I think so. Huh. So you think a lack of intelligence is directly correlated to deviousness? I do. Deviousness. Yes, I do. It doesn't help. It doesn't help.

But not if they were 200% smarter. Would all prisons be like white collar crime prisons? They'd be like the Iceland prison. Like their only stuff that's like stock trading deals because they're not like, I mean, I think it goes beyond intelligence though, I think. Yeah. I mean, you could argue that the food one probably mitigates a lot of those challenges too. I'm feeding everybody.

And the immune one, like the 20%, disease resiliency. So you mean your immune system individually doesn't get 20% better. It's just that 20% of the world gets better. Yeah, everybody's. Everybody's immune system gets 20% better.

You can fight off more diseases. I don't know if 20% stops me from getting cancer. I'll bet you it stops a lot of things. And if our immune system is running well, we can overcome most things. I think that's the one to go for. Lack of food. Let me ask you this,

Okay, if you had a, you got a little, like, pay-to-win button, and you can pay a certain amount of money for it, and it's to make you, yourself, 20% more resilient to disease and your immune system's 20% stronger. What are you actually paying for that? Like what would you... Like what dollar amount? Yeah, you got one day to, you got one choice.

You walk up to this booth. You can hit that button. You have to blind bid it, and you have to pay for that. It's your only chance to get it. And you can do it today. You're 43 years old or whatever. 44. And, I mean, because 20%, what do you pay for that today?

I think, I think, what's it worth? 15% of your net worth. For 20%? Yeah, I'm getting a deal. That is funny how he wants a deal. So 50% of your net. This is my point. Like, if I told you right now, you can save your eye.

What percentage of your net worth do you give to save your eyeball? 100%. 100% to save an eyeball. Well, not one. If it was both. If it was vision entirely. Well, vision, yeah. I think we're all at 100%.

Okay. No, you're not. One of your appendages. You're not giving away all of your money that you have right now to make sure you don't go blind. No, you're not. Well, not to make sure I don't go blind, but if I was blind to have sight. You know what I mean? No.

You're all of your monies? No, you would not. Yes, of course I would. Your kids have no money to eat now. You're like, I can earn more money. You can figure that out, Mike. I'm actually with them on it. Like if you...

Oh, you guys are liars. If you have the choice right now, you either, it's 100% of your money or you can't do it. You'd go blind for your family? For 100% of my money? Yeah. Yeah, I would. So you'd rather be blind.

Yes. See, I take the approach. I'll figure it out after the... Yeah, me too. I buy it. Yeah, I bet you will. Well, because I want my vision. Yeah, you're going to find out how hard it is when you have no money.

Okay. I'm going to open this world up. Because this is a very fascinating conversation. Years of life, you have 100% of your money for 30 years of life difference. Are you doing it? You die at 60 or 90. It's 100% of your money today. 30 years.

To make it to 90? Yeah, 60 to 90. Because it's a similar question to me. It's quality of life. It's time with your kids? I probably go at 60. What? Wow.

That blows my mind. I'm not surprised by that answer because it matches the eyeball one. I go at 60 and you're barely losing any years of vision based on this death date. I also was like, I know exactly when it is. I'll see you suckers later. Have fun doing your podcast. Wait, would you, if you know you were dying at 60 but only 60, would you like, are you like skydiving tomorrow?

Oh, I'd be done. I would never be like wing suiting? You're saying you just retire now and live till you're 60. So there's no way I wouldn't pay all my money to get 30 years of life. Because you want to know what we're going to do? See our grandkids. Yeah. And not only that, we're going to make more money.

We're going to be okay. You do get to go to make more money. You think we can't make more money, Mike? I think that if you're done. I think if you take every dollar that you have right now, no, you're toast. You will be toast. Oh! That's great.

So I can't get a job. Oh, you can absolutely go get a job. Okay. But you won't have time to. Because by the time you have money to pay for anything, insurance showing up, your cars, they're gone.

Everything you owe money on, you won't be able to pay. This is a very easy game. I can dig myself out. No, you can't. So 50 years old instead of 60? You get 40 extra years?

You're giving all your money today? I mean, where's the line? Oh, I don't know where the line is. But I can tell you that. Mike's not giving up a dollar. No, no, no, no.

I'd rather be rich and dead than alive. I'm just saying. I know if you have no cash, then you're your toast. Where's your meal coming from tomorrow? You have no money. I can go live with my family. Oh, okay. Well, that's, of course.

Not everybody can do that. Not everybody can do that. But I'm saying I would. That's my choice. I mean, I would just go live with you can. I would get on governmental assistance, right? It takes time. Sure.

I mean, but everything takes time. If you had no, if you had not a single dollar today, you would be screwed. So this all changes if I give you 10% of your money. Sure. It's just a zero. Yeah. That's what I mean. Going to zero right now is I don't think you realize how fast everything will spiral out of control.

It will take a week and you'll be in a real, you'll be doing things that you didn't believe that you could do. Yeah, I mean, again, I think that there are plenty of avenues. Not that everybody has, but I'm in my world. What's funny is I guarantee. your wife would give up all of your money to keep your vision. No. No? No, I don't think so. She'd let you go blind? I think so. And die at 60s and 90? If you're

like you're telling me you feel with 100% confidence tomorrow, you could just have a job. No. He's had to do that a couple times. Yeah, I've Not the next day. Not at zero. No, but I mean, I, you don't think you had a savings account. But the thing is is, is, I mean, Andy already mentioned it. Family, friends, government. I'm not, I'm not dropped in the middle of

a random city alone and naked with no money and you know, close. I'm not destitute in that sense. I just don't have anything that I can't pay for anything right now for the next week, for the next month. I got to figure that out. I would figure that out.

I'd like, for sure. Not a zero. Not a zero. I mean, I'd rather be alive and have to figure it out than dead and not be able to. Yeah. He wants to be dead with a huge bank account. Follow up question about your wife and the blindness. Would she double your current net worth for you to immediately go blind? No.

That's a very different question. Just double. It's a very different question. Triple? Yeah, probably. I mean, there's a line. What would you pay if you could have twice as good a vision? Oh, I would pay a lot.

Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The golf course would be so helpful. Not twice as good a vision as what I have. have because that would still be poor vision. Twice as good as 2020, whatever that equates to. Oh, man, I mean, you literally pay for that with your glasses. What percentage, what percentage does your glasses approve of your net worth? 100%.

Why do they try to get you back to 2020? Why aren't we doing upgrades here so that the four eyes people? Yeah, where's my optical zoom? If the four eyes people had better vision than everybody, they'd be cool. Be like zoom in there. Why are we stopping? Why can't we get to eagle level? I don't know why we're doing that.

I'm doing the delicious meal to 645 million people so they can live. I'm doing the immune system because you are just going to give the vast majority of the world that has plenty of food, more food to waste. Papa Josh said that if you have Eagle Vision, you don't get it, you can't see up close. So you still need some readers or something. Are you telling me the Eagles have to wear readers? A Hawk can't read a book. I'm just saying the better your far vision is usually the, worse.

What is, why do we do one eye long, one eye short? That's what I have. Oh, like legitimately. I'm near sighted one eye and far sighted another. Why don't we have the shine jobs from pitch black where I can, where I can see in the dark? But then I have to wear sunglasses all the time. Where there's a will, there's a way, Mike.

You'll be dead, but we'll figure it out over the next 30 years. Would you rather every meal you, if I can be Vin Diesel, I'd give it all up. Would you rather every meal you eat be extremely delicious but has to be eaten while standing? It's funny. That's funny. Or completely mediocre but eaten in the most comfortable chair ever made. I'll tell you what, I got an advertising on my Instagram because that's all it's for.

And it was. It's for ads. Yeah, it's for ads. It's a ad browsing platform. It's great. It works well. It does work well. And so they notice I've been looking up some World of Warcraft and Video Game.

videos on there. And I got an ad for like, and it's a persuasive ad. It's like, this is the world's best gaming chair. I mean, this beats everything. Tell me more. And it's so comfortable and does all this stuff for your lower back and your spine alignment and everybody that plays

in these like tournaments, like the like ones on the TV. They perform better. They're in those chairs. And then I went to the site and I'm like, what's this thing cost? $1,500. 2000. Oh! It's a $2,000 $2,000. That's it.

For the best gaming chair? Yeah, right. And I'm like, I can't do this. But I'd rather. Did you get it? No, I didn't. The butt was like, it's the best. I didn't even think about it, actually.

I was like, that's just out. I know I'll be sitting in it a lot, but that's just so much money. So extremely delicious, you have to stand. Yeah. Or completely mediocre. Man, I, how, okay. Here's a question for you. What percentage of food would you say?

you is is delicious compared to mediocre how much like an average yeah maybe so you're as in like 85% is 85% is mediocre is mediocre yeah but you get to keep sitting for that yeah so you already we already do that with most of our lives yeah and then and then the really good food i can still pretend i just don't feel like you know what i mean like i can still you go to these real fancy restaurants and the presentation is great. If it's mediocre, I'd be like, this is the best thing I've ever had. I feel like in my life,

I could count on one hand the amount of meals I've had where I was like, jaw dropping. Holy crap. Yeah, that's probably me too. That was, honestly, one of them was a filet Jason made once. Oh, thank you.

A waggie a filet. Nice. I know he paid a lot for it. Lost his vision to make those fillets. Yeah, I think you got You gotta have the comfortable chair Is it better for you to stand while you eat? Like technically?

I thought it was worse. Really? It all goes in a straight line straight down to the pooper. Yeah, gravity starts working faster. Yeah, immediately. I feel like I had been told the old wife's tale of like you need to sit because if you eat when you're standing

is like you eat too much. Because you don't feel it? Because you don't get holes. You need to land? Yeah. Yeah, you need the, you know. You got to be in the sitting position. I don't know, man. I'm sure it was bull crap, but...

Yeah. I'm sitting down. You're going to do the sit down with the mediocre? Yeah. Man, extreme... I'm fine without extremely delicious. The funny thing is, is the idea of extreme and delicious, it doesn't get old then. It's always extremely delicious.

It's all fresh. It's not like you get tired of it, right? Right. No, it's always... It's always going to be... Fantastic. I think I'm standing, man. I need to just get up, eat it, get out.

My issue is restaurants. I love going to... restaurants and I don't want to stand at a restaurant like some weirdo. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm understanding that we're doing some market research here. Al Borland has reached out to Mike's wife to find out about what she would do. How you proposed the question. Yeah, let's hear this.

I said, if Mike woke up blind today, would you completely drain your family's net worth to zero dollars in order to restore his site? I mean, that's a good wording. Yeah. I approve. I approve. I'll see what she says. And to be clear. She's been typing for a long time. To be clear, she's got a lot more typing.

If she said yes, to be clear, Mike would be devastated. To get his vision. Oh, yeah. He wants to be. Destitute with 2020. She actually, she answered very well. And it's also what you say. Go both ways. She said, I would want to know if that's what he wanted to do. If his site was that important, then yes.

But if we could afford to get him accommodations that would make life easier for him. essentially she would defer to you. There's blind people living very successful lives. But she said if it were me that went blind, then no, I would not. Okay. You'd admit for each other. Text my wife. All right.

We'll find out all of the answers here. Would you rather bite your cheek or accidentally rub your eye after handling diced halapinos? Oh, you got to keep that in the mouth. Yeah, for sure. You can't put jalapinos in your eye. No, no, no. I've never done it. Oh, it's...

Why did you do it? I haven't done it specifically with jalapinos, but I know if I've got something spicy on my, on my finger, it can really aggravate your eyes. Yeah, I feel like the eyes, man, I... They're not made for food. You know how you have problems with your eyes? Yeah. Like you don't want to touch them.

You won't put contact on. Oh, yeah, I'm a baby. So you're not. You want to know why? Because I've been having eye problems, and I've been dealing with this eye issue, and I've gone to eye doctors. And so people want to know what's going on. And I tell people in my life what's going on.

my friends family they're all like you they can't stand hearing about eye problems they can't really they almost every one of them seems to have an eye phobia people don't want to mess with their eyes you talk about surgery on eyes anything like that they get all ooey-gooey yeah because it's disgusting but why are your eyes sensitive no why are your eyes disgusting and make people have like a phobia about it it's not no it's because they're sensitive because my eyes are sensitive so are everything's no no but do you you I mean, if I hear about someone. Like the inner elbow with your...

It hurts me to watch someone get kicked in the nuts. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Because they're sensitive. So that's all it is. Eyes are very sensitive. It's like, oh, no, I don't want to see someone because it makes me feel what they're feeling. Oh, so you're relating it.

It's just very tangible. Yeah. Yeah, it's just... Yeah, I'm doing the bite the cheek thing, man. I'm not putting something in my eye. For sure. That's easy. I'll get a canker sore, though.

That's for sure. We'll take a break. We'll get into Man of the people. You will bite it at least six more times. That's the worst part. All right, we're going to get into Man of the People, one of our favorite games here on the Spitballers podcast. I'm just curious. Any market research being done over there?

Have you found out any more answers from anybody? I did text your wife, Andy, and she just responded. And it's very simple. She said, no, we'll just get him a really good guide dog. Okay. Thank you. Okay. Well, that's...

Thank you. All right. I'm going to go ahead and call my shot that my wife will say yes. She will pay for my vision. Okay. And we'll figure out. yet but all right we'll do some research let's get into it man of the people you know what the guide dog i never thought about the guide dog thing that sounds pretty cool yeah i mean not as cool as vision well

but also i've thought about you know everybody thinks about like what would happen if you went blind or something there obviously a lot of people are blind and they live with that but the guide dog i forgot about that that would be cool i don't know like I just, your best friend's always there. Yeah, that's, that's neat.

I mean, in the scheme of things. I mean, look, if you gave up every dollar, you're not getting a guide dog. Tell you that much. Can you get one? Like,

if I wanted one? They have service dogs. Yeah. But like, yeah, but he's saying, I want it to leave me around. I think you,

that's, I don't know. Help me go across the street and stuff. I mean, I would imagine that. You could probably just imagine that. Like if you're an elderly person, you could get a help dog,

right? Yeah. Non. You can get an up dog. what's up dog i i imagine that non-blind people train the the dogs right so like you don't think they're getting trained by blind people right yeah you're right so you know you could do it um yeah all right we're into man of the people al even though he's just texting our wives right now he has also been out on the street getting hundreds and hundreds of survey responses for this game three points if you get

the first answer that the uh community selected two points for a second place answer one point for any other correct answer seventh round is double points uh who won the last one do you know probably me i don't know offhand cool good good work all right let's get it going yeah it was me all right you know no no i'm seeing it was me yeah actually my notes say i won last time round one this apparently winning is very important to jeremy name the oh wait wait hold on hold on i don't see green yeah my light's not on My light went off. Hold the button on the bottom.

I think we... Hold the button on the... We went too long. How long do I hold it? Until it lights up. All right. Mine's flashing red. Oh, man. I've been holding for a long time.

Okay, I'm red. I think I might be dead instead of red. Are you holding the wrong button? There's an on-off button. Oh, yep. I was holding the wrong button. There we go. That's a foot.

See, my guide dog could have helped me there. All right, I'm flashing red over here. You want to light us up? I do. You don't know how badly I do. So it's Oh, now it's going. Okay.

Are we good? Are we good? All right. We're good. What is all that beeping about? All right. Hit your button. Does it beep?

Dang it. Yours is beeping. Oh, man. We're so ready for this segment. Try it again. All right. We're good. Okay.

All right. We're good. Let's do it. Nailed it. Round one. Name the first song that comes to mind when I say Christmas. You really emphasize.

a T there. Christmas Carol. Oh my gosh. This dude smashed the button so fast. Christmas Carol, not on the board. Oh, man, that's a great movie. White Christmas. Wait, you beat me.

I never got a yellow. You did. You went white Christmas? Yep. That is the number four answer. All right. So I have the last answer. Jingle Bells.

Jingle Bells is the number one answer. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense than Christmas. What's funny is white Christmas actually came to mine first. Yes, because it's, you took it, I was like, oh, yeah, because I'm dreaming of a white Christmas is of course the first thing you think of.

Jinglebell! I'm dreaming of a jinglebells. Then we had silent night. Yeah. 12 days of Christmas. Yeah. White Christmas. What about Christmas Carol? Oh, Christmas Tree and then all I want for Christmas. You have a genre, you answer. Yeah. It was a movie. All right.

All right. So we got Andy with three, Mike with one. It's not, she doesn't go, it's a book. It's a book first. It's a Jim Carrey movie. round two name a hobby you know somebody has just by looking at their shoes

what a good question skateboarding not on the board yeah I answered too quick I'm going to go running running is the number two answers oh come on that's the number one answer I blew it in a hobby that you read the question

please name a hobby you know someone has just by looking at their shoes three bowling Bowling is the number four answers. Oh, thank God. I can't believe that's on the board.

What was the number one answer? Hello. Ice skating? Golf. Oh, my God. For the audio listeners, I just put a golf course on the back wall there. Yeah. Yeah, we had golf running, hiking, dancing, bowling, and baseball.

Oh, the cleats, yeah. It's tough because. That's their job, you know. It's tough because people don't wear golf cleats around. You know what I mean? But I would know that they were a golf? Of course, but they don't wear bowling shoes around.

So it's like that's why fans, I thought maybe I could get the skateboard. That made sense. And that's why I went running shoes because it's like people. That's a good answer. Could just wear those. Except I've I've purchased and worn so many skateboard shoes and I've never been accused of being a skateboard. Yeah. Well,

they just, they, I aura farm. Yes, that dude skates. All right. Yeah, totally. Check out this Ollie. All right, round three. Two rounds. We got Andy with three. Mike and Jason each with two. We're going on to round three. Name a physical document that you might file and save. Your will.

Will is the number three answer. Oh, I got it. Your birth certificate. Birth certificate is the number one answer. Wedding certificate? Marriage certificate is the number four answer. I got a point. I'm guessing is passport in there?

Passport is not. The number two answer. Social security card. Yeah, you're right. It's not a document. The number two answer was your taxes, your tax returns. That makes sense. security is just a card. Is that a document?

Medical bills and then life insurance. Yeah, it wasn't on that. Yeah, you're right. It's like your driver's license. I mean, birth certificate is only half a piece of paper. Right. My birth certificate's full sheet. Yeah, it's a full sheet. Did you only get half were you guys? Your parents only did half the sheet? I only got a half sheet. What? Maybe, my, maybe. Do you have a real one? Yeah, he doesn't have a burst He's never seen. Hold on. Is yours in pencil or? Or crayon? Yes, it is in Korean. Yeah. This is Andrew.

I'm pretty sure mine's smaller than like an 8.5 by 11. Thank you. What? Yeah, we know. We got born at the same hospital probably. They saved on paper. Sookie. All right. Next question. Oh, my God. We have Andy with four points. Mine's still green. Do I get first dibs? Mike with, wait, Mike's still green? I'm good. All right. Andy with four. Mike with three. Jason with five. Name an item in your house. That's two.

big to throw away in the trash can. Television. TV is the number two answer. Bull crap. I'll go with washing machine. That is the number five answer. I know what the number one is. Couch? Yeah, that's what I should have said.

Couch is the number one answer. Oh, I did it again. That was like my answer and I just changed it. I don't know why. Dude. First. At first. At first. My first thought before those other two guesses was like an Amazon box. Because I'm just thinking of like things you're actually trying to Yeah, things I'm throwing away that I can't fit in my garbage can.

How big is these packages from Amazon you're buying? I mean, most boxes don't fit in your garbage game. Most boxes? Yeah. I mean, a lot of them. I don't know about most. Sure. 99.9% of Amazon boxes fit in your trash.

What do you put them? What do you buy them? You got to break them down. I can throw almost any box into my trash cans. I feel like when I get something from Amazon, it comes in like a bag, you know, like that you rip them. the top off of. Obviously that can fit or it comes in a box and that box

is like it's not going in. He's got tiny trash cans. All right, move on. All right. Jason's ahead with eight. Mike and Andy tied with five. I just could have just taken count. Still anybody's game and I did just get a response from Jason's wife. Okay. She said it would depend on if he wanted me to or not. If he did, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Wouldn't deny him seeing his daughter on her wedding day. But it is very tempting just to get him a really good guide dog. Oh my gosh. No joke. Two of them went to guide dogs. All right. All right. That's tempting for her. We are moving on to round five.

Name something that people keep on their kitchen table. Place mats? Place mats is the number four answer. I'm killing the fours right now. Salt and pepper. Salt and pepper's the number one answer. Yeah, three in a row, baby. Also, no.

What do you mean? No. I don't do that. Yeah, I do. Salt pepper? Yeah, I've got salt pepper. Some pepper's on the middle of our table. Yep.

Okay, Grandpa. I'm just going to have to say something like a floral arrangement or something. That is the number two answer. Okay. All right. Hey, that's more points than I get. We have salt and pepper than flowers, napkins, placements, a fruit bowl, and a tablecloth. Yeah.

I'm lucky. I feel lucky. Really, y'all, you have your salt and pepper just there all the time. We've got a lazy Susan in the middle and it's got napkins and salt and pepper on it with a floral arrangement. Yeah, we've got salt and pepper there. And then we've got more salt and pepper over in the kitchen where we cook. I do on mine. I do not.

Okay. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Okay, moving on. All right. We got two more rounds. Last round's worth double.

Round six. Name a piece of personal information that you'd never list on your social media profile. Your social security number. That is the number two answer. What? I mean, that was what I thought was the number one answer. Address. Home address is the number one answer.

Bang. Oh, darn. Okay. People need to learn. Phone number. That is the number four answer. Yeah. Yeah, that helped.

Okay. That helped me. Public service. You also didn't even let him finish the question. It doesn't matter. You can still buzz in. Yeah. The wrong answer.

But per the rules. Number one, ladies and gentlemen, your address is everywhere. It is literally everywhere. Your social security. Brother, it's on the internet. I mean,

you might be, do you remember when we have... No, I know social security number is... Do you remember when we have... We're like, hey, Kyle, go look up this person. And he finds them every single time? Just the order of operations. I'm just telling people that if they,

think that their address is more precious than their social security number? You're probably wrong. Get your brain checked. You're probably wrong, but you didn't get as many points as me. All right. All right. We're going to the seven and final round. Worth double, which means the number one answer is worth six points.

Currently, we're sitting with Jason at 12, Andy with 10, and Mike with eight. Oh, boy. How did he get that close to me? All right. Better, good answers. I don't know. If you got a problem with it, take it up with Josh. I don't care.

All right. Name something you would have found at an old. novelty gag shop. The whoopee cushion. Whoopi cushion is the number one answer. That's a good answer. You are the winner. Are you going to respond?

I buzzed in. Yeah, go ahead. I didn't know. The Groucho Marked glasses. Not on the board. Yeah, right. One of those ring handshake buzzer things. Oh, a hand buzzer?

Hand buzzer is the number three. That's a good answer. I got a disappearing ink's definitely on there, right? It's not. What about the flowers with water? We have squirting flower? You're telling me Groucho March Glass is not on that list. It doesn't feel that gagging.

The ones you missed are fake vomit, rubber chicken, and a can of snakes. Rubber chicken makes sense. But Jason, I mean, Jason won it. Dominant performance. 18 to 12 to 8. All the people who are very nervous about their address and not their Social Security number, they agree with you. They love their whoopee cushions.

All right. we are going to take another break and jump into the draft. Ridiculous. Let's try not to remember he won the last one, Mike. No one will know. All right. Let's take a break. I think I fell asleep.

The spitballers draft. Did you forget what you're doing? I was just looking at you. I zoned out like crazy. Yeah, yeah. We're here. We're drafting the best salad dressings on today's spitballers draft. There are a lot more than I.

thought there were when I started digging in. I'm going with ranch dressing. I'm taking ranch number one. It's the best. A good ranch. It's the 101. It is a 101. But we will not say it's the best. Well, I will. Jason's my pick. Jason's the chef. It's the best.

Yeah, it is. I mean, a good house ranch is unbelievable. Not all ranches are the same. You're getting ranch? No, no, no. Yeah, that, well, it's because, but it's the best. I was rolling it back. Ranch of all the dressings is the most important thing. Agreed.

But if this is, and this draft is salad dressings, it is not the best salad dressing. That's not my 101 for putting it on a salad. Okay. I mean, that's, uh, you'll get to make your pick when it's your turn. I'm going to ranch. I mean, I'm saying I would have taken ranch at the 101. Yeah. But it's just.

So I'm very curious about your pick here because I, I know what you like Yes But I don't know If you're willing to take it here I'm not willing to take it here Yeah I will risk it

I will It's not coming back to you I'm taking Caesar I thought Caesar would be the pick And I think it's a great pick Yeah I was really I was No I know you're trying to trick me

Go ahead I yell Caesar as soon as you didn't say it Take Take my dressing from me But The Caesar is So good

It's It's great So good. Yeah, no, Caesar is fantastic. You love anchovies. I guess. I love them in Caesar. I mean, my next one would have automatically really truly been Thousand Island,

which I know is what you wanted to come back to you. Mike is very much a Thousand Island guy. Oh, absolutely. I am taking that. I find Thousand Island to be delicious. Yeah. No. Fine.

Oh. But always, when I'm eating something with Thousand Island, I'm always like I wish he was something. else. Oh, that's wow. Also, probably why it's just not that popular. Thousand Island, it's not. Which, I mean, I know you ask all the time, a lot of times that don't have it. There are restaurants they don't carry.

They're like, sir, that's not a good pick. But Ranch has tremendous publicity. You think their PR team got out there? Yeah, Big Ranch has done an extra job. It's a dip in. And here's, but here's what I'm telling you. Thousand Island, pretty much everything that you dip in Ranch,

tastes good in Thousand Island. You could put it in Thousand Island and it's awesome. You put your fries in Thousand Island and it is absolutely awesome. You want to know what you're not putting on a burger, ranch. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. What? Yeah.

Big time. I would not put Ranch burgers all over the place, brother. I would much rather have Thousand Island on a burger. I mean, that's like the key special sauce. Thousand Island, I mean, let's just say what it is. It's a sweeter, it's a sweeter sauce. Yes. Thousand Island is sweeter than range.

I like the savouriness of ranch, but those that like the sweeter things in life might go for some thousand. Here's where I was going to say, you're going to be like, what? Pizza. Now that I've never given, I've never tried it. Give it a rip. Thousand Island's just delicious. Just give it a rip, man.

You just took it. Order some barros. Get their Thousand Island and dip and just be like, oh, okay. I'm going to opposite sides here. What are it's called that? I'm going from. Thousand Island? Yeah, because of all the islands.

I'm going from creamy sweet to liquid. You got the Romans. All right, go on. I'm going to the more Z. Zesty liquid. I'm going Italian. Oh, you're going with a liquid dressing, huh? No, Italian.

More watery. Yeah, yeah. You're going Italian? That's a good thing. Yeah, it's the next one. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I don't have any picks left. Yeah.

We were worried. Like, can we get to 12? I mean, allegedly we can. We will. Italian. Oh, no, we will. Do I believe in them when I take them? Nope.

So we're going to go. You took Thousand Island. So we're going to take the poor man's Thousand Island. We will just take French dressing. French dressing. Yeah, that's, I mean. Yeah, you know what it is? No.

I have no idea. It's very much like Thousand Island. It's like, if you're ever in place, and salty. And they're like, we put French on the burger. It's, you're getting a Thousand Island burger. Okay.

I think it's Thousand Island basically without like the relish. Yeah, it's not bad. It doesn't get, it's publicity has died over the news. Oh, well, because of the dirty. French. Right. And we're talking about the people. Yeah. Oh, I don't want anyone to mistake what I'm saying. It is an insult. Yeah. To an entire group of people. Right, right. But I mean, just based on merit, not on any sort of. This sounds pretty different to me. Thousand Island is a thick, creamy mayonnaise and ketchup blend with a pickle relish while French dressing is a

thin, bright orange oil and vinegar emulsion heavy on sugar and tomato. I don't. I was shocked when he comped it to Thousand Island. I love French dressers. It tastes like that of the island. It's just because it's the same color. Yeah, it tastes like it. Because it's sugar. It's, yeah, they're both sweet. Yes. Highly underrated. I know my two picks. Highly underrated, magnificent. And

let's be honest, most salad dressings absolutely destroy the caloric value of a salad. Yes, that is true. Not balsamic vinegar. Yeah, that's a great thing. Balsamic vinaigrette is so good. Love it. following it up with more of a niche for some. I would just, before you move off from balsamic vinegar,

I think that it should be the only dressing. To make a salad a real salad. Yeah, because people order salads to be healthy, but then they're not. They're not at all. None of them are. No dressing is healthy. Because they taste bad. Well, sure, but balsamic vinegar actually tastes good.

Yeah. Totally acceptable. I'm not in. And then it's actually still healthy. Yeah. I'm not in. Well, that's my pick, Mike. And then I'm going to move on to.

what I think is, again, not everybody's in on this. Right. But those that are passionate, passionate people. All right. Blue cheese. Oh, good. Yes. Oh, thank you. I was so hoping.

Yes. When we've got to get to 12, we've got to get to 12. Somebody has to take it. No, I have morals. I thought in good. You guys both don't like blue cheese? Of course not. Blue cheese is great. Disgusting. What about the deusers over there? Any blue cheesers over there? Oh, Joshua.

Blue cheese is number one easily. Oh, yeah. We got a. Oh, crap. I got Josh on my team. Yeah. I prefer to not eat mold. All right. Yeah.

But he doesn't even like Caesar because it has fish in it. Even though he ate it. That's true. That's accurate. Blue cheese is legit. The thing about blue cheese is like, you know when like you verp? No, but I can imagine. It's not as bad as blue cheese.

Oh my gosh. Blue cheese is so disgusting. Blue cheese is genuinely disgusting. Oh my gosh. All right. So I am up. You are up? I will take.

Hmm. Let's go with I got a couple here I really like Salantro lime Yeah that's a good dressing I will take cilantro lime dressing it's not bad Because of the cilantro and the lime Yes that's some of the top

It's its best qualities Yeah no you're on it Mike you love that one You definitely get it sometimes Amazing Oh man Absolutely amazing Tell me more about this salonro lime I can get it at Chipotle

Yeah, you can. Okay. But I mean, you got any more questions? Tough guy? I don't even think he, I think he's pretty much covered up why he loves it. Yeah.

Good job, Mike. Due to the cilantro and the lime. Well, it's like the lime part with the cilantro. Right. Yes. Oh, yeah. When you put them together.

Yeah. I mean, more of a dressing. Imagine a lime dressing? Oh, God. Or a cilantro? No. No.

Salonro lime. It's such a good pick. It's a, it's a, an orchestra. of flavored. It is. Thank you. I as well am going to take two

flavored things put together, except mine. Is this avocado lime? Lime by itself. No, it's actually, I wish it was more common. You really only get it at like Asian restaurants, but it is so good. I love a

sesame ginger dressing. It's on my list. It's on my list. Ginger dressings, they don't get enough credit they are absolutely delicious and then i'm going to take the last one that is i'm not that into the ginger really i'm not that into it like oh love them is there like a is there a peanut butter ginger type of thing there is yeah like a there's sometimes the ginger has like a i guess i guess in the right it's not peanut butter but yeah no i do like peanut butter as a dressing lime and peanut butter right um and then for my last one it's another one that can actually be

healthy because you can you can make it yourself uh it's a lot of herbs in it. I'm going to take a green goddess dressing. Very, very yummy. That's like a real dressing from not Panera? Correct. Like, it's a thing? Yeah, it's a real thing. I've made it at home before.

I believe him, I think. How do you... Yeah, you can buy a bottle too. It's yeah. Disgusting. What's the goddess part? That's once it all comes together. Once it's all together. And the green part? The green part's the herb. That's the easy part.

just making sure. All right, I'm going to take something that I've just learned. The closest comparison is... Somebody eats a lot of Thousand Island. Is Thousand Island without as much sweetness or relish? Oh, no. Oh, no. What are you taking? Well, I got the French. So I got to take the Russian dressing.

Oh! That's my sneaky last pick! No, it's not because it's mine. Russian is so good. Russian dressing. I don't think I've ever had it. It's like Thousand Islands. So it mayo, ketchup, horseradish. Worcestershire.

A little. Worcestershire. Graded and minced onion and paprika. That sounds great. That sounds great. It's so good. It's best known for, bro. I've had a burger with some of that on.

Yes, Rubens. Oh. Yeah. It's good. It's good. I don't feel like you really love it. I feel like you needed to pick something. It is on my list.

Dang it. So wait, am I picking now? Yeah. Crap. Take American. Crap! Is there such a thing? I don't think so.

Look, I don't have a choice for it. I'm doubling up on these, this category. I just, there's not stuff I love. I feel like there's one that's a huge one, but I just don't really care for it. Are you talking about Greek? No. I almost took Greek. I'm taking raspberry vinaigrette.

Okay. I'm taking another vinaigrette. It's just, it was my, I didn't want to double up on them, but let's be honest, half my salads are actually good for you now. Yeah, that's true. What's the large one? Is it a honey mustard? Honey mustard.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I feel like honey mustard I don't like on a salad, even though I love honey mustard. It's a salad dressing that we have been like, like no longer. It's such a strong taste. I like it as a different. It overwhelms us out.

Put my nuggets in a honey mustard dressing. You know, from. Yeah, no. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Who has it? Yeah.

Who amongst us? Um, all right. I'm done. I'm done, right? I think so. Ranch balsamic blue cheese. So I had the balsamic vinaigrette. Then I got the raspberry vinaigrette to close it out.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. brother. So I got Caesar French cilantro lime. Got to have both. Got to have the both. And then you've got the sneaky Russian. Yeah. And I got the Russians are sneaky. Unlike the French.

It is funny that we have a French, a Russian, an Italian, no American. We figured it out. Yeah, I've got Thousand Island Italian. The ranches. I think sesame ginger and the green gutters. Does the rest of the world call it ranch or do they call it American? I don't know, but I remember when, you know... They call it the best.

When the global soccer thing was happening here and all the international people were flying in. Oh, yeah, when the World Cup? They were... The global soccer thing? Jason. Yeah. I think it was said well. That's funny.

No, it wasn't. The global soccer thing. Whatever that is. When everybody was flying here, there was like so many people bringing ranch back to their country. For darn. Right. Yeah. Heck yeah.

Because we got it. Yeah. That's right. We got the ranch. There was your draft. What did we learn today? Well, I know what I learned. What did you learn?

Jason likes to dip his nuggets into honey mustard. I learned that Jeremy's is smaller than 8.5. Yeah, we did. We did. I learned that. His birth certificate. I learned that people don't understand how valuable your social security number is. Not as valuable as your home address, Mike.

They get your home address. They can come get you. You know what you can find with someone's social? Probably their address. Take everyone. Oh, my goodness. Goodbye. See you.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Okay.