Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Bonus Teeth & Businesses We Miss - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

Spit Hit for April 10th, 2025:On this episode we argue the powers of Santa Clause vs the Tooth Fairy, talk about tying up a single stall bathroom for 30 mins, what the most useless superpower would be and then get into a nostalgic Businesses We Miss draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Oh no, where'd you go? I don't know. Bing-a-ding-a. Bing-a-ding-y. Ha ha ha. Bing-a-ding-y. Oh.

I love that it's just over. That it is fully a reflex for you now. Where. It really is. I mean, there is no thought. I think you knew where it started. Yeah, I knew that. And then it's just like, I'm out of things.

Yeah. It's a bidingi. It's what? It auto comes out. It's such a weird go-to line. It's just the trajectory I set myself on about 280 shows ago. And we're not gonna miss out on it. And yeah, the beginning, I mean,

we are drafting businesses that we miss. Yes. So some of these businesses, they, well, they went out of business. It's really sad to me that I had to scat last episode where there was no 101. And now. There was, you got it right. Well sure, but it's a marginal irrelevant gap. Okay.

But now today, usually my favorite show is the one right after I scat so that I am the furthest away. But I'm the third pick now and there are two clear awesome picks in this draft yeah and I I might be able to get you one Jay okay thank you I did preview my picks to the producers the first couple picks uh-huh and they had a disagreement about what number one was so businesses that we miss will be drafting that shortly there are more than you think companies that we miss will be drafting that shortly. There are more than you think. Companies that we grew up with or that used to exist

that were awesome, but then they couldn't do the accounting properly. They vanished or? They couldn't adapt to the future. Yeah, that's true. The internet comes from everybody. Really? Well, yeah, yeah, of course.

But this is episode 280. My son was reminding me we're approaching 300 episodes. Would you rather situation room and that special draft coming later on the show? You can follow us at spitballers pod over on X Instagram.com spitballers pod. We always appreciate your reviews. If you like the show show if you enjoy it tell a friend It doesn't hurt you tell a family tell tell an entire hell six families town Here's the thing if you tell two families and tell them and tell two fades to two families. Yeah

Before you know it 16 families will be listening or something. All right, we're going to start. Would you rather? Oh, we have to do it where like if you don't tell, oh my gosh, this is the way to do it. Oh, the old chain letter? Yeah. If you don't pass this podcast along to someone you know, you're someone in your family. Yeah, it's usually a dog gets shot

We love dogs around here, yeah, don't kill a dog tell tell people about this people about this show keep the dogs alive I thought you cared about dogs out there Everybody okay Caden from the website, would you rather have a password-protected refrigerator? We're back to the passwords. Or password-protected toilet? You will need to enter your password as well as the code from a 2FA text message to use either appliance. Come on. We gotta update this question to two different appliances because one of these things is an Advantage and one of these things is a nightmare. I have never in my life

Ran to my fridge With my with my pants already getting primed to be removed clenching like sweaty and Feeling like I'm about to poop in my pants. So this one's, this one's really easy. This one. Look, the amount of times that I do open my refrigerator, I got, I can change it out without ever being hungry or needing it. It's just boredom open. Like I'm just standing in the kitchen and I just check it out and I just go and like, ah, maybe there's something in here that is gonna make me happy.

And so I'll open the door and just look. And if there was a password and a 2FA on that fridge, that's an upgrade for my life. 16 digit password for the refrigerator. Four digit for the toilet. You can't have. You can't lock the toilet, man. You can't lock the toilet man lock the toilet Mike and I

are in sync you can't have a one button there are times what about just a thumbprint there are times you've had it back when the iPhone when you had your your fingerprint there and it like wouldn't go uh-huh and then then you go you're like oh no because the body is the most, the closer you get to the toilet, the body knows. It won't acclimate to a password? No, it's going, I'm looking at the toilet. Release. Okay. All right. So final answer. We got to find a dip. What is a different object in our life, a different appliance that would maybe be more akin to a refrigerator that would be really annoying to have a password on?

I mean, it's like... Remote control for your TV? Getting into your bed? Yeah, I think the TV is good because both the television and the refrigerator are sources of entertainment. Okay. Okay. Not sustenance. No.

Not nutrition. Correct. They are pure entertainment. You view your fridge the same you do the TV. That's correct. I'm gonna watch the newest, I'm gonna binge watch. It's, yeah, I mean they call it binge watching for a reason, because it's like,

oh, I'm gonna binge this refrigerator. You ever binge and binge? Oh yeah. Yeah, I knew that yeah that's the only way to binge yeah I I do I do think that I had a password on my TV once you had a pat like self-imposed mm-hmm this was like to get you to break the habit oh yeah I didn't even know that had that real good at the house for children they haven't for chill oh I yeah I've got that stuff. And I set one up and I gave the master code to a friend.

And I was like, dude, I'm just watching too much TV. I want to be more productive in work. You went like, accountability buddy. I did it like, I was probably 19, 20. I had my single living in a townhouse. I was killing too much time watching TV. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to set that up.

And it's like two hours a day. How long did this stay? How many days? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. We gotta try and guess this. Yeah write it down. Okay. I'm not sure I know the answer. You got an estimate. I have a guess. I'm gonna say... I think I got a hold of that master code. Okay, all right. I mean, it's got to be under two weeks. I have two weeks. Oh, you went two? I'm taking the under of two weeks.

I'll go- I think it was like six months. No. Yeah, no, for real. So I believe it. We told the truth on this show, Andy. Here's why I believe it. 19-year-olds don't want to put passwords on their television because they're watching

too much TV. When you do that, you're someone that's going to commit to bettering yourself. And I'm proud of you. I think I made it like six months. I'm proud of your 19 year old self. And then I was like, you know what? I got this. How much? Give me the goat! How much World of Warcraft were you playing at that time? Did not have a password on that. No, I need to pre-prioritize my screen time. Back in that day, I could go ahead and lock up the television. It is not feeded. That's fair. They were... I'm in Azeroth. That was a coexisting time of my life. I think he probably put the passcode on the

TV because it was getting in to the World of Warcraft time. It's rape time. It's like, okay okay I got a password protect this thing. It's really cutting into my wow. It was the equivalent of the New Year's resolution that you have with like a fitness like you sign up for the gym and then however people fade away from the gym it was the same with like you know what I just at that time of my life I decided the TV was getting in the way of my apparently my wow time. Okay so let's say TV or refrigerators. Which one would you pass? I put it on the fridge. Me too. It shouldn't be a source of entertainment. I need to go to the TV fast sometimes for like a sporting event. You know

we could actually do this really easily. I'm thinking about my pantry is also a problem. But is it like is it entertainment palooza in there? Absolutely. What if you took the door off your pantry? Would that actually help you? Help? That would hurt. That would hurt me.

Oh, I thought you locked yourself in there. We've seen videos. No, no, no. I'm saying what I need to do is put one of those like door knobs with the passcode on it to get in so that, you know, and self-closing, self-latching, for sure. It should send your amount of entries to a friend.

Oh, every time I unlock my fridge. Everyone gets a text message. Yeah. Oh my goodness. That would help. Do you know how much Door Dash I would be doing? Or Uber Eats? I couldn't, I could no longer.

I know exactly what you'd be doing. You'd be going, hey. You'd be putting a door stop in. Hey, hey, Jersey. You'd be putting a door be going. Hey, you put a door stop a Jersey Jersey go get me something from the fridge. Does she have her own code? Yeah. Yeah Jersey's really been in the fridge a lot Messaging you I'm pretty concerned about your kids man They're going to the pantry 20 times a day

That is actually a wild idea of like Social shaming your bad habits where you can automatically alert friends of like I am doing something I'm trying to not I just I just made this joke at lunch the other day that what if your daily caloric intake was a Digital sign around your neck it would change and you walk around and you have to have it visible at all times in society It would change things account of and that's right. We're all back to one to lock our tvs up, baby Accountability aka shame everybody there's a huge difference There's a huge difference Yeah, okay. Hold on. Let me think this through because

I think the accountability in this example Is entirely shame. Right? Sort of. But that's only because eating to excess without anybody seeing you is socially acceptable. And it's unhealthy for you. So all it is is putting something into practice that is genuinely healthier for human beings. So it's hard to say that it's just pure shame.

Well, is it shameful to shame actual shameful things? We could have a long debate about that. No, I don't think so. Yeah, like when you're shaming someone. Call a spade a spade. Yeah, when you're shaming someone, it seems entirely negative. Like there is no world where you can shame someone

and it's good. It's like, oh don't shame a person. But there's things that should be shameful. Like shameful things? There's shameful things that should be like, hey don't do that. You should be ashamed. If everybody in society, if you cheated on your taxes, you had to wear a scarlet letter, that's not, I mean, that's fine. Yeah, don't be ashamed of that. Yeah, just, no I'm saying you would be, if you not, I mean, that's fine. Yeah, don't be ashamed of that. No, I'm saying you would be, if you're ashamed of that, that's fine.

Totally, I would never. I don't know, where are we going with this? I don't know, but the picture of Jason in the pantry has been shared in our Slack. Oh no, this is a public thing? No, no, no, no, no, no, it's too shameful, Jason. We wouldn't do that to you. Just talk about it

Just like a murder suspect being caught on camera Turning back towards the camera. Yeah That was the only thing getting killed some Hawaiian roll Murder that bread Next question. All right. Jasmine from Patreon, would you rather have your car break down on the highway during rush hour? That sounds terrible. Or be forced to tie up a single occupancy restroom for 30

minutes at a fancy restaurant and emerge to a line of waiting patrons. Oh, it. It's pretty easily the bathroom for me. What? Yeah. I think I could make up a- Oh brother. Why that happens. You're telling me that there's not a part of you- What's your line? In your life exactly that you're not walking out with a huge line and you hit people with a do not go in there. I get it. I would hit them with that. I would pull the Ace Ventura reference out.

I would love that. That would be the only saving grace. I mean you have to leave right afterwards but. Genuinely. I don't even understand. I don't understand how you're both like immediately thinking. Because a car. That's impossible.

I can make a reason why I was in there that long they know the reason you don't gotta say nothing they don't they know the race hey pal what are you doing in there what were you doing there so long like you're gonna know real soon okay yeah you will I mean I guess I was reading Get the toilet seat up got a good book I don't know okay, there's no reason, but I feel like you make the funny joke, and then you move states just breaking down at anytime is Just terrible now add in that you're on the highway rush. It's rush hour. Yeah, you're not pulled over. You were stuck. This breakdown, you didn't get a chance to pull over. You were stuck in the lane. You'll be there for well over an hour. Are you even supposed to get out? You are, right? I mean, I don't think so. That seems dangerous. If you're in the middle lane, if you're in the middle lane of rush hour, and you literally have your car break down where it can't move,

shouldn't you stay in your car? Yes. Yeah. As opposed to get out and like walk through the highway traffic? Correct. You gotta stay buckled in your car. Yeah, you stay and you turn your flashers on.

And then eventually everything will come to a halt around you and you. Then you. And maybe you'll be able to push over. I think you would call. I think you would call 911 in that situation. Let them know you're broke down on the highway. They'll come make a pass.

And a police officer will come and, yeah, keep you safe. Oh, they're gonna honk at you for a while. Yes. It's gonna be terrible. Hit them with the flashers? It's gonna be terrible. I'll tell you what. There's no car horns while you're in the bathroom.

I will tell you what is worse than car horns on a freeway. It's a simple knock on the door. Knock on the door in the fancy restroom. If you, I... How many are you getting? 30 minutes? 30 minutes? I'm getting a ton because it escalates, right? You're not getting any for six or seven minutes. All right, give me the line. Mike, I'm knocking the first time, okay? Okay. How do I do a knock sound in here all right give me the line Mike occupied okay that's the first time go ahead there's 10 minutes later I'm still here oh really that's all you're going yeah are you okay in there no I was ready to move on to the next statement, but as soon as you say no... That's part of it.

Okay. Do I need to call for help? I got this. That's the response. So 10 more minutes. Okay. 10 more minutes. Buddy, you need to wrap it up in there.

It's just one of them days. Oh my gosh. So you don't want to... You don't like public restrooms anyway. So the idea of everybody standing outside. Oh, it's, it's a terrible idea, but it's, I'm weighing too terrible on it. Can you imagine the walk of shame? Because this doesn't say there's-

I'm coming in. This doesn't say- Whether you like it or not. Is a person waiting for you. This says that there is a long line of people- Yeah. Of waiting patrons. So you are doing the walk of shame and I guarantee you this. If I'm in that line if I'm one of those persons

yeah standing there waiting I am going to laser beam taking this thing that emerges from the bathroom and when when that Monster walks out of this bathroom. I am death staring them down and judging them like that Shane and everybody has a bad day at the office Not at the fancy restaurant you clear that out before you get here Do you at any point in the 30 minutes like if there's a bunch of knocks coming, do you start making like shriek sounds of pain? I 100% start looking for a window.

If there's a window in that bathroom, I don't care how small it is, I am squeezing through it. So hold on then, do you leave the door locked? Oh for sure. here just go get in the line like what's going on here what's this line I bet there's no one even in there yeah yeah then you bust the door down and you oh you're the hero no whoever's in here he dropped a big one You're welcome. Everybody enjoy. Well, I'm in here. I might as well use it bathrooms open and you get a roaring applause Everyone's like the hero. This is a great plan. Yeah, there it is. Oh, yeah

We're all trying to figure out All right, so Jason we know which one you were going with Yeah, I think me and Mike are willing to take the poop. I will no matter what I'm taking that one. Alright Let's go here nando from patreon. Would you rather be? Santa Claus or be the tooth fairy. Oh Honestly, the only advantage to the tooth fairies like a fly Yeah, I honestly need to know about 60 seconds worth of information about the tooth fairy Because I know a lot about Santa Claus and honestly, I don't know that much about the tooth fairy origins where they're from how big it is

Does it app does it apparate like to appear out of thin air or does it fly in from somewhere? I I Really am NOT up to date on my tooth fairy knowledge I see Mike right. I totally know about the tooth fairy guys. Hold on tooth fairies Rick. I mean up. Yeah, obviously Yeah, I mean like there is a collection of money invest money temporarily and Get interest in their bank and then they pay out portions of it to The children mean they might how do they how do they read them? in their bank and then they pay out portions of it to the children I mean they might how do they how do they read like do they have a job I think a nine to five I think do you think they plant these teeth is that where it goes

in them come from teeth yeah like I don't like oh money doesn't grow on trees maybe it does with tooth fairy they've got a lot of money to I think teeth would grow on the tree I'm just worried that this tooth fairy's got like a tough nine to five, that they're having to work to just pay out all this teeth money. I don't know. Globally, I think its full time job is snatching teeth, leaving dollars.

The tooth fairy, the way I understand it, is they have not shape shifting size would you call it size shifting shape shifting as well is that just how you would say that they're normally normal size yeah and then they turn into a little flying one yeah and then they can shrink down slip under the pillow yep collect collect the tooth and then get out of there and then that could be back to full size you think that the tooth fairy's ever been caught by a kid? No. Same as Santa? Yeah, you can't. No.

Can you leave cookies out for the tooth fairy and then... You know how much you know about Santa? Yeah. A lot, right? Sure. A ton. Why? Well, because...

Because it's Santa Claus. I've been a very good boy. Yeah. It's Santa. Like, of course we pick Santa. Yeah. It's Santa like of course we pick Santa you yeah, this is like do you want to be? Michael Jordan or LeBron James or You know you're saying tooth fairy is a lower tier

It's just a lower tier now is it because I'm in the NBA if Santa left teeth and the tooth fairy left presence We'd be talking about a whole different story well hundred percent although. It's all about Not leave teeth yeah, they take what I say leaves teeth. Yeah. Presence by here. Okay. Well, if you put money under your pillow, do you get teeth? Do you get teeth? Do you wake up? I've never tried just putting money under my pillow, but I haven't either. Maybe if I put like a 20 under there, a molar, you could buy some kids teeth. Weird. Oh, some canines. But it's about what they give you and I

mean that the tooth fairy is working very hard every single day where Santa I mean he's you know he's up there managing wind is but when does being a kid stop in your mind age what age yeah 12 the old let's call it 12 the older I get the older it is yeah how many about 30 27 how many Christmases do you get if you 12 years old? 12 12 Christmas how many how many teeth do you lose? lot more than 12 Yeah, okay, so you have the very delivered more presents. How many teeth? Do we have? How many baby teeth?

How many teeth are in our skull? Yeah, how many baby teeth? Do you lose? Do you lose? I'm going to guess, because I genuinely don't know. I don't know either. I do know the answer. I already know the answer.

You knew already how many teeth people have. How many they lose? I know how many kids lose. Wait, is there a different number? Yes. Well, not everyone has all their teeth. Well, sure, but I'm just saying like... You're saying you lose every tooth you have as a kid? Yeah, don't you? No, because some... Yes. Yes, but then some come in. Yeah, I guess... I'm saying

you have the same amount of adult teeth as you have kid teeth, right? No, no, because you get molars. You get like your 12-year-old molars and your wisdom teeth. I'm guessing 33 teeth. Okay, that's a guess. I think that's closer to the adult one. I'm gonna go... Wait, it's gotta be even. It can't be an odd number. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 34. I'll go like 22. 20. So I made a shark mouth. 20 teeth. I did a couple rows of teeth in there. You've got the Tom Cruise center. Yeah and 30 32 is the adult teeth. That's right

you're closer to the adult teeth. Yeah. That's that many different? Yeah. Yeah, you get a lot of molars. Like you get molars when you're, what, like five or six? And then you get molars when you're like 12, and then you get wisdom teeth later. Oh, you only got to tack on 12. So it would be three sets of molars. Twelve extra teeth! Your mouth gets bigger, man! My mind is blown. They don'd all go in a small mouth. I genuinely, genuinely believed prior to this incredible podcast teaching me things that we have whatever it is, 20, 30, whatever it is,

however many teeth you got as a kid that grow in, those fall out and get replaced by big daddy grownup teeth. And that's it. Maybe wisdom teeth coming in the back. By the way, if the tooth fairy got to go also double as Tinkerbell in the Peter Pan world, which I think of them similarly in scale. Well, they're both fairies.

They're both fairies. If she got to do both of those things, it would make it closer. But I'm going Santa. Yeah, I can still fly. I just need my reindeer. Yeah, or some, believe the bag, the toy bag can also magic you into the air. I've never seen it. That's a story for another day, kids.

All right, we're going to take a break and come back with the Situation Room. The Situation Realm How many wisdom teeth did you have? Four? Four? Yeah. Four? What about you? I had all four.

You had all four. Got them out. I only had one. Really? Uh huh. I was told none, so that was a bit of a surprise when one came in. Oh, it just showed up Yeah, they x-rayed me They said you got none a lot of high fives about avoiding wisdom tooth surgery and getting them out and then all sudden It came in. Did you get it out? Yeah, some people don't have yeah, I got it out Yeah, some people have the space for it, but I guess I had the 33rd tooth Oh my gosh, you had an odd number of teeth! I did have an odd number of teeth!

You can't have an odd number of teeth! All right into the situation room we go we are very helpful at times with difficult situations That's what we've been told by ourselves and Here's the first situation I have Through a clerical error you've been named as the Nobel Prize winner in physics for discovering a new law of science. Which of these new laws of physics do you claim to have discovered and explain it to us in layman's terms?

So we've got three three different laws the principle of inverse gravitational repulsion, okay the law of temporal elasticity and the theory of light speed deceleration Well the temporal elasticity is clearly the one that I you're going with that one. Well. Yeah, I know the most about it right Temporal elasticity is simply the the are you gonna say temporary elastic yes I am 100% when you got a pair of undies you've had them too long look this is the tightness of your skin starts it's completely temporary, man. It loses its elasticity and then, you know, that's what we gotta learn, how to get it

back. No, but it's physics. Yeah. Isn't it? That's what I'm talking about, the physics of it. They don't care about your skin? Or your undies? Look, the theory of light speed deceleration.

Yeah, that's the one I feel like you could... And we agree on the same principle, which is that you have the speed of light, and then you have as many pairs of sunglasses that you can put on, which slows the speed down. It decelerates the light as it enters the iris. Okay, so this is just about viewing the light. It's up for interpretation. It's also your pupil, but that's okay. Well, the iris is... it kind of accentuates the pupil. He was talking

about Iris' pupil. She's the subject. It's only one person. What an incredible human being that this law of physics only applies to you. Mike is the science guy so Mike explain to us the principle of inverse gravitational repulsion. Well inverseational repulsion. Well, inverse gravitational repulsion would be when you have a an object that is just so massive that the the laws of gravity have They don't scale up once once mass gets to a certain size our our understanding of Gravity and relativity it starts those laws start to break.

If it had been a bigger apple above Newton, it would have reacted differently. Flown away. Yes, it would have repelled. Into outer space. Yeah, that's the one. Three Nobel Prize winners. All right.

Congrats, guys. Also, we are still looking for an Emmy, though. This was coming up. Yeah, sure. Will you accept anybody's Emmy? guys sick also we are still looking for an Emmy though this was yeah sure sure will you accept anybody's in me I know but I will accept an Emmy from anyone okay you've been invited to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time okay and have dinner that's the worst when you show up your girlfriend introduces you as a world-renowned chef and volunteers you to prepare the meal for the night. Nice. You've got to put your best foot forward. What meal do you attempt to cook? This is easy. Now this is

not fair because Jason is even right now becoming a more world-renowned chef. We already know that Jason's a chef. Yeah I mean he's really been back at it. Really chefing it up? I have been really chefing it up. So what do you got? I think I'm gonna go... I think I'm gonna go chicken parm with

like a chicken parm majean. This is the full phrase. You're gonna go full parm-a-jan not just parm? John The full Italian say parmesan would you introduce my John? Oh, right chicken parm Also known as you know, you have to pause and say a John. Yes, exactly so yeah, I would do chicken parm a John and then like a Carbonara carbonara pasta on the side.

That's what I would do. Deep fry it, butterfly the breast open, panko bread crumbs. See now you've lost me already. See the real problem. Butterfly, panko, what is this? The real problem is that I can't prepare a home cooked meal. So I could offer to grill, so I'd probably pretend like their oven's broken or their stove is broken

And I would say I you know what I can grill some burgers out back Could you get away with? You you ask for the ingredients you know they've done the shop and you need some chicken breasts You need some stuff you need you know get all the pots and pans out heat up oil on the on the stove, get them kind of splattering, throw some chicken breast in there. Yeah. Kind of make a mess a little bit on purpose. You chop and stuff all the time. Tell them, no, I don't need any help. You guys can go door. You know, your delivery service is on the way and you are just making noise, chopping things up, scooping things into the garbage. And eventually- I've thought about replating DoorDash before.

Yeah, and then everything goes in the garbage and you plate beautiful, great, restaurant delivered goodies. I'm not sure that a 90s sitcom has existed where they didn't do that. That's, it was- Oh yeah. But delivery services weren't that common then. Yeah, but you just, you picked something up.

Or you just, I'm saying essentially the, try to take credit that I cooked something, but it's, it was actually a bucket from KFC. So it's not a new idea? No. I'm down with that. So tails hold his time. That works.

But it's also the correct answer. So neither one of you, Mike, you cook sometimes. Do you have a go-to meal? If I'm, honestly, if I have to make it from scratch, you're probably getting spaghetti and meatballs. OK. I can do that. Making the pasta?

No. Oh, OK. No. Liberal use of scratch. I can use, I can make the meatballs. But the sauce and the noodles are, they need to be ready for me. You look down on us, don't you?

I don't look down on you. I empathize. I feel bad for you guys. Because you really stepped it up, and you love cooking. I love cooking. So now we're not putting up. Shout out to Joshua Weisman. Yeah, yeah.

That's the guy that cooks for him. Yeah, that's my chef. That's my home chef. He's gotten into cooking. He watches the guy that cooks for him. Yeah, that's my chef. That's my home chef. He's gotten into cooking. He watches the guy all the time. I just sit up at my counter and I tell him. How much of the cooking do you have to actually take part in? Like, if you warm, if you set the burner up to...

Yeah, look, I'm the sous chef. You've cooked. I'm the sous chef. I just, you know, I'm like, I turn, let me get that for you. Shout out to my chef. Shout out to my chef All right one more situation we got time out Yes, we do on your annual trip to the Amazon rainforest. Oh, I never miss it

You are bitten by a mysterious bug that bestows upon you the most useless superpower That you could ever imagine. Which power would you choose to inherit and how will you use it to improve and or conquer the world? Here are the three useless superpowers that you may receive. Butterfingers, which is the ability to make anything you touch slippery balloon manipulation the power to inflate and deflate balloons at will okay i love the deflation yeah i gotta go i go around i take all the helium out your birthday party's done and time to leave dust accumulation the ability to accumulate dust

on surfaces faster than normal the speed really makes a difference here you know if you're talking like this is three times as fast and in that still in weeks it's gonna be so it's gonna look like it's been months and I don't know it's it's like a like a pretty quick dust magnet like you like your finger on it dust out my face no no you put your finger on the object and the dust in the room

accumulates on it super quick can I about 15 seconds you've got like a nice layer can I do it on my hand I suppose of course is it is it a surface is your hand a surface are you wanting to throw dust in someone's face in 15 minutes yeah that was the timeline Andy said. Say, hold on. No, I said 15 seconds. Oh, OK. He said very fast.

I'm just saying that you at least have a weapon. The Butterfingers, this actually has, you can apply this. For sure. If you're telling me that my feet can turn any surface that I'm on to be slippery, and I can just be doing the run and slide on the road. OK, so you run run run run run and then slippery. Yeah, slide unslippery. See, I'm thinking of getting other people slipping.

Yeah, because this is what you touch a slipper. So I'm getting away from the coppers by making their cars slide down that hill. You know what I mean? They're coming up and might as well be driving on black ice because your car's going backwards. But also, how would we... Oh, they'll conquer the world, I guess, was on here. Yeah, I mean, if everybody was slipping while they tried to capture you, they could never

capture you, right? I think so. Wouldn't that actually be a really powerful... Yeah. Like, if even the cops are running after you, they slip and fall no matter what or if they grab it It's oh yeah anything you touch. They can't even grab you know and you're still greased up Yeah, you put them in handcuffs a handcuff slip out Yeah, yeah, honestly butterfingers sounds

Like we need a an x-men get on this. Interesting. We're all taking Butterfingers? Yeah. I'm taking Butterfingers. Now, you could wreak some havoc with hot air balloons. Yeah, that was my legit, my only thought is like, you having fun up there? I just thought of like, not anymore. I'm on a hot air balloon, and the guy's, I'm like,

are we done yet? Because it's boring. And then he's like, no, it's going to be another half hour. And I go, no, it's not. So you're going to deflate your own air balloon and the guys, I'm like, are we done yet? Cause it's boring. And then he's like, no, it's going to be another half hour. And I go, no, it's not. So you're going to deflate your own? Slowly. OK, I would hope so. Well, that's weird.

No, no, we're landing. I see a leak. Yeah, we're landing right now. You can't really pop a hot air balloon though. I don't think so. I would not. No, cause it's not. It's not sealed.

It's not sealed. So it's kind of a, it's not infl there's not others. It's not sealed. It's not sealed. So it's kind of a it's not inflated Well, it's just filled with hot air. It's it's inflated with hot air But I mean like if it had some holes, it wouldn't even bother it, right? Well, it would bother it a little a little yeah, it would let the heat out It doesn't say I can poke a bunch of holes in balloons. I have to deflate it. Yeah, it can't be like a colander fabric, okay It's time to draft after this quick break. The spitballers draft.

All right, we are drafting businesses that we miss. Businesses that are no longer around or around like they used to be. And we miss them. We miss what life was like when they existed. And for the sake of our younger listeners out there who may not have lived in a time when these fine establishments existed, we will explain what they were. Yeah, trust us. They were great. That's why they went out of business. Businesses. Now I will say Andy

that we miss. Yeah. Before you take your first pick because I think there are some there are some top-tier picks but there is there is a pick that has Andy's name all over it and he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Really? And I will warn you if you don't take it now it may not make it back to you. Wow. I think he's just trying to make sure something gets to him. I think that there are two perfect picks. There's a 101 and a 102, in either order.

There's two. In either order. And there's a 103 that may not make it back. Maybe. And look, maybe I'm not even remembering what it is Mike I'm trying to think of Businesses that were catered to old people in whether or not they went out of business Which it seems to be the case cracker barrels still around

For me I'm going to go with toys are us okay, okay? All right one of the two I tried to get you one day It didn't work. I appreciate the effort Thanks toys are us is the It was the ultimate childhood dream. This was a the largest toy store that exists. They were very big It was literally just physically humongous, so but everything it was toys, video games, action figures, power wheels. Power wheels.

It was awesome. Honestly, when it came out that they weren't going to exist anymore, it was the hardest one to comprehend how. That place is awesome. Of course, I hadn't been there in five or six years. No, just honest truth is, yes, I had because I had kids. Yeah, so you go there and you look at what you're going to get at what you're gonna get no no no no oh, it's three dollars cheaper I'll do that now we know why they're gone, but toys are us was awesome. I think they're bad

I think they've got like a corner. It doesn't I got lost in toys are us once That's how big it was like my mom had to page me at the front Oh, you had to really yeah, buddy did that scare the crap out of you. It's good the crap out of my mom No, he was having a good time. Not me. I was checking out the toys, man. There's still big toy stores, FAO Schwartz. No, that's gone.

That's gone. In Times Square, I just saw it. There's one. Yeah. Oh. It's like I was just there. It's gone. But that is a gone toy store, because there

used to be lots of them. There were other toy stores, too. But most of the toy stores are gone, because you can't compete with online. So I will go with Toys R Us, because it literally was magical. What was the kid can be a kid? I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid.

There's a million things in the world that I can play with. Yeah. Yeah. And it was the giraffe. Yeah. Now it's Jeffrey. Now it was the giraffe. Yeah now it's different now. It's just target Yeah, yeah, like there's like a two aisle section. So Mike go ahead you have to say that in toys RS the magical feeling of going into the video game section and

Getting to pick out a new game and you it was, you had to take the, you had to hope that the paper was there, because the physical good was not there, everything was behind the scene, and so you would take the little slip up and say I'm gonna buy this, it was absolutely incredible. So I'm back up, the next best pick is Blockbuster. Because.

Yeah. Daggummit. This is the worst draft of the third pick because clearly blockbuster and Toys R Us. Because young people when the internet was not around you had to go to a place to get your movies or get your video games and there was just so much built into it of the full anticipation of the drive, what are we going to get, you get there, is the movie actually in stock? Because they had limited stock and frequently you would have times, especially with video games, because they'd have like one copy where you go there week after week after week to

try and get one specific video game and then when it's finally there the magical moment of getting to take it and have it it was just It was so incredible Blockbuster blockbuster still there what there's the one there's one. There's one. Yeah, but Doesn't count that's honest. That's like a It's not making money. It's there as a tourist attraction. Basically, yeah. Yeah, but-

Did you guys see the documentary, the last one? I did. Yeah, it was really fun. That was pretty good. Blockbuster just gave you a vibe. It was a feeling. Yes. It was like, this is an entertainment night.

It was like going to the movies, but you got to go out and spend more time thinking about what you wanted, and I loved it. Yeah, that was the other pick for me. All right, Jay. Now those are the two that you want. Now the draft begins. Yeah, those two are awesome.

I've got so many favorites that I hope you don't pick. Oh man, I got like nothing. Good prep. Well no, I've got a list. I just, they're just like not Toys R Us and Blockbuster. Those need to come back. I mean not blockbuster because like yeah it's unfortunate it just it doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work. That's the weird

one. It doesn't work. I wish there was a physical place that you could go and like look at your options and then don't get on my TV. We all. You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't go there. No I wouldn't. No I don't. It's gone. The ability to have that way of life, it's been deleted. Man, but that was so fun. Yes. I loved going there. Not arguing with you there. Man. All right. Well, I'll take, I know one of these because it's somewhat similar to

Blockbuster Tower Records. Okay. You'd go and you'd get your CDs or your albums and- It was the same experience as like the Blockbuster Tower Records. Okay. You'd go and get your CDs or your albums. And it was the same experiences like the Blockbuster to a degree. Yeah. Go and spend time with music. I mean, at least though there are still versions, you know, there are still like vinyl records will never go away. Whereas like VHS or DVDs, like you, you don't even have stuff to play these things in your house anymore So I'll take that I was the problem is like I was never a big Tower Records guy Like was that your preferred? Yeah, there are places out here like warehouse. Yeah, there was There's the warehouse there was a I don't know chain Sam goody. Yes, I'm goodie fye

Mm-hmm. But I mean, I'm... Tower is the most well-known. Yeah, Tower Records is... But you have them all. I mean, I get it. Yeah, like I'm not... The vintage CD place. The warehouse is where I would have...

Yeah. ...gone with, but it's the same exact idea. Man, they charge a lot for CDs. Oh, that... Yeah, I wonder... That was, like, before the Amazon price shopping was there it was warehouse vs. Best Buy where he'd yeah I'd be at the mall and like oh what this band has a new CD out I'm at the warehouse what how much does it cost $18 or or ten of your

CDs you could trade in 10 or at Best Buy this thing is $10 and it's like I can't believe that this is happening. My other pick there are competitors to this that are still around but I preferred this other store. I loved it. They were open late. Oh no I know what you're gonna pick and that's a heartbreaker for me. I'm going with borders. Yeah, that was the one that was the one that was there. I knew you. I knew if I picked it I'd get sold down the river. Is that being a lame? Oh, it's not a lame. Oh, pick borders is is the bookstore that had a coffee shop. Yeah. Yeah. And and bars and great Barnes and Noble still does. So they're also on their way home and they've closed so many locations. But I loved the borders you you'd go there late at night with friends and get the coffee they were open till like midnight it was great and then it was like turns out that's not

enough people go there you lost a lot of money and go out of business yeah they they used to have their own coffee shops and then they bought all the Seattle's best as a last-ditch effort to to survive I remember every week I'd go to Borders that would have been one of my next picks so good pick. I warned you it wasn't gonna come back. I hope you're happy. I'm very happy with Toys R Us. I'm content. Yeah. Alright so I'm back up. Yep you have Blockbuster. Okay so trying to play the game here. I don't know I mean everyone will remember it. I don't know if you guys would actually take it, but I will take it because I was a frequent patron because

I was a bit of an electronics nerd when I was little. I'm going to take Radio Shack. The fact that you could go to, like this is one of the things that is is actually difficult on Amazon is like I know what cable I need but like sometimes you just I need to go see all of them and see all the adapters and things and make sure that I'm Getting the right piece when I was a kid and I would have like, you know my my CD system for whatever reason I was I always enjoyed you know, my CD system, for whatever reason, I always enjoyed running the cables out of it and just seeing what I could set up. So I would like put guitar amps all over and I would run my CD player out to my guitar

amps and I would make it stereo across my entire room because this was the nerdy electronic stuff that I was into. So I'm taking Radio Shack. Radio Shack was kind of the ace hardware compared to the lows. If Best Buy was the lows or something. And so I remember going into Radio Shack as a kid and just being confused. It was too technical for young Andy, but not young Mike. So Radio Shack, I didn't go a lot,

but obviously one of the most iconic brands that have gone bye bye. I'm back up? Yep. You are. All right. I have some picks. I just, I don't know if they're gonna make it back through you.

So I'm gonna go with a similar one that I thought was way, way better and way cooler for my time period. It was Circuit City. Yeah, I was hoping that came back. Circuit City had TV. It was like Best Buy. It was so much better than Radio Shack. Yeah. Well, because it was a different store.

Yeah. Circuit City was Best Buy. Yeah, it had Staria. Yes. But a lot of like a strong computer department. And that was where, where you know you'd go and back when they sold you know a ton of computers and Windows operating system and all that stuff like Circuit City was just like a cool tech store to go to and it was nice to browse someplace other than Best Buy and I also felt like I was in a plug when I was yeah cuz of the way it looked

commercials and they'd like plug the which is services state-of-the-art yeah oh wow you remember Wow welcome to circuit city Yeah, see services state of the art still there not the company, but They did their best man yeah, all right, so that's one you got one more pick I do I Know that there's like ass. I know that there's no chance that any of you will pick it but I'm still gonna give it the honor of third spot okay I don't even I imagine it was a chain that went everywhere I mentioned it to the producers earlier you know what I'm talking about um was that a chain can you do the research on it to make sure it was large enough that this is a smart

pick it was a monpah store right smart pick? Can you, let's just hold. It was a Ma and Pa store right next to his house. Do we get the thumbs up? All right, it doesn't matter. There was a place called TCBY. Oh yeah, the yogurt shop, yes. It was stood for the country's best yogurt. And it was-

Dude, that thing was massive at one point. That place was awesome. Everybody fell in love with frozen yogurt. Because ice cream was bad for yes Yes, and somehow yogurt wasn't so yeah TCB. Why blew up? Yeah, we used to get that all the time It was like a favorite treat spot for my family when I mentioned it to the producers earlier They all they both said the same thing TCB why and I haven't heard that name. I know I know it was like They're still

around no there's a bunch in Vegas I'm on the website that's fine but they're not here anymore no it doesn't look like they're the closest ones to us are in Vegas now really they have some in Los Angeles but it I mean obviously it used to be honestly I think I looked up I think I looked up the history of that company at one point in time, because they used to have, maybe they're still out there. They can't compete with the fill your own bowl yogurt places. Yeah, well, everybody can, without employees, have yogurt places now.

But I didn't know, does that still exist? I feel like I'm cheating. It exists but here's the thing. I haven't thought about it in forever. This is... 1981 is when it opened up. Yeah and this this draft is business as we miss. It doesn't necessarily to me mean it has to be completely and utterly like you you missed TCBY because it was awesome and it's basically gone. It's gone for us. So yeah I think that's a fair pick. STCBY because it was awesome and it's basically gone. It's gone for us. So yeah, I think that's a fair pick. I'm seeing a lot of locations still around. Like Egypt, El Salvador, Malaysia.

Wait, they're still international? Yeah, the other side of the world has not caught up with the fill your own yogurt. Have you heard? Ice cream is terrible for you. Yeah, they're just 20 years behind. Eventually, eventually they'll all go out of business man yeah for me we should open a circuit city overseas 43 years ago I miss it so okay okay this disqualifies it quite a bit there were over 1700 locations they had to have been. In 2001 and they're down like below 400 now. Yeah, so they're on the way out. Yeah. All right. And you miss it because they're gone soon. All right, so I don't think I'm picking anymore. I think it's up to Mike. Yep. I am up. I will take a store that

their brand no longer exists and so that's the version of the store that I'm taking because it is it's now GameStop. Okay. But EB Games. Oh yeah. Was the freaking best. So you have a lot of memories. Oh man EB Games because here was the best part which I don't know if everyone knew this about EB Games. If at first they had a policy that you could buy a game

and within like a couple days you could return the game and get all your money back. Wow that's how you go out of business. So yes, thank you Josh. Electronics Boutique. Oh I wondered what it stood for. Yeah Electronics Boutique and this was I mean because it was a game store, this is where you could go back at that time and see games on the shelves that you've never even heard of. And then, you know, just you, all the boys. For us, it was at a mall that was 20,

it was a metro center, which for us is like a 20 minute drive when you're a teenager, that's like a four hour drive Oh, yeah, so it was always special place It was always like this great voyage we would take to go out there and get games and sometimes we would buy a game Go home. We would play it for five hours. Oh Guys even games is still open. Let's go take this thing back. It was your rental store Yeah, it was did they buy games as well they just like the GameStop event eventually they they did they they got bought or absorbed by GameStop yeah well there was actually it

was so it's like Funko Land, Babbage's, EB and GameStop I think like eventually all of them merged and then went under the GameStop brand and then it turned into the everything is buy a used game and sell us your games for dirt cheap unfortunately. Because EB Games and like the employees were always super cool and I mean even when you're back for the second time in one day returning a game you just bought they're just like okay. The Costco policy. Yeah they don't give you crap for it.'re just like, okay. The Costco policy. Yeah, they don't give you crap for it. Don't do that kids. All right, Jason, you are up. You do it. You live your life with two picks that look real prepped over there. Two stores you missed like nothing

else. I could just. Now are these only stores? Cause this was businesses we miss. So I got a list of stuff that's like not necessarily like walk-in stores. I mean you can say sweet tomatoes that's fine. They're coming back dude. I did see that I did see that. Yeah you know what's funny is what I was just looking up. Defunct restaurants? It was what is more of a defunct restaurant. I'm more in the vein of TCBY because it's like it still exists. That's what it but it's not really regular. But it's not you know it peaked man. It was it was the center go take it of You want to you want a steak when I was growing up? You went to the sizzler. Oh, yeah, dude. Of course you can take that

You can take the heck out of the sizzler technically are still out there sizzling some steaks. But what. That back then. No it was somehow this somehow their marketing. They had convinced people that the sizzler was fine steak dining. Yeah. Even though you waited until I felt about red lobster waited a line to order. Oh yeah. Yeah. No it was. It seems like it was a very funny thing like it was fine dining. Yes. And then it was like wait this is awful. This is like not good. And so I'm looking it up but you missed the sizzler. Yeah I guess I missed the commercials and the sizzle. The marketing was great and now they're like we don't have any money for marketing because nobody nobody eats here anymore. And What's ironic is I was looking it up and what I have learned on today's episode, if I can already skip

ahead, is that if your business is failing and you're having a hard time keeping up with the times, go overseas. Because they've still got plenty of locations open. Sizzler Dust? Yeah, they got them in Japan, they got them in Egypt. We have tricked people that this is like Americana. I think some of those companies, what happens is the way they franchise, like the main company might go out of business, but one person owns one location and they have the rights to it forever. So certain- So they're just running it better over there?

Yes. Some person somewhere has the rights to run that for eternity and they passed it down to their families. And they like don't have the franchise fee anymore? Yeah, the franchise doesn't exist. None of that stuff exists. They're just running the Sizzler. Alright. Now for my last one, I know exactly what I want to take, but I'm going to put it out to you and see if this fits or not. I'm not trying to cheat a system. I want to know if this actually fits the mold.

Listen, you're- No, genuinely. Like like you'll get it Okay, AOL Does that? Dude, I loved AOL. You did? When it came out it was internet It was the world it was it was where I went I'd go home and I'd dial up mail You got mail Dial up mail. Yes, dude. I love that you got mail

AOL was I guess there was a messenger. There was a semester aim. Yeah, I mean like a well keyword Oh, yeah, you just I mean every commercial in the world Sizzler would be like you say well keyword sizzler. That was how you searched for things that was how you searched for things on the internet. I spilled them myself right there. I watched that. Mike did. A little bit. So yeah, I mean, AOL technically is still around, but they're not AOL anymore.

Yeah, I'll allow it. Yeah. I'll allow it. Mike, you're up. All right. My final pick. I'll be curious if anyone in this room actually got out to it. Cause it was, it existed, there was very few locations,

but when this franchise was being built, there was like, I seem to recall like really big names behind it. And it was built up to be like, this is gonna be the biggest and the best arcade ever. And we had one here. It was out at Arizona Mills. Okay. Gameworks. I don't know if you guys remember this. No idea. So here's here's

what Gameworks was. Is this representative of like all old arcades basically? Yes. Well yeah I thought about drafting like Aladdin's Castle because that's the the brand that most arcade people know but this one specifically Gameworks because you had it was a two-story arcade, which at that time was, that was impossible. So upstairs will be all the old retro games, and then downstairs will be the new games, games that you will see at no other arcade.

Like the first time I played any, I think it was called Guitar Freaks, which was, you have the big guitar controller, you're playing awesome music, and then years later that turned into Guitar Hero, but it was like, no, I already know this, this is called Guitar Freaks, and it was fantastic. And then in the middle, there was a video game ride that you have to wait in a big old line, and then you sit in a chair that goes that as you're killing like I think it was like enemy alien ships and then when you get shot you

plummet down to the bottom dude that place was awesome okay so check this out I'm looking them up game works still exists in one location. It's in Seattle. There is Gameworks left. No, I feel like this is like a Mike takes a family vacation to Seattle now to see Gameworks. It's still there. Do they have the big ride? So if they got the big ride, then I'm going to figure that out. Mike has Blockbuster, Radio Shack, EB Games, and Gameworks, Jason with Tower Records, Borders, Sizzler, and AOL. I have Twice R Us, Circuit City, TCBY, and one final pick. Now I am going to ask for your help on this one. Alright.

Because there have been a number of defunct sports stores. Oh gosh. Like, that's the one I was thinking of. I couldn't remember the name. I know the sports authority is gone now. The only one that's left is, well I like. Oshmans. That's the one I was thinking of. Yes. I couldn't remember the name. I know the sports authority's gone now. Everything is, the only one that's left is, well, I guess there's a couple. Dix is still out.

Sportsman's warehouse and, but that's not even like a sports one. But sports authority and Oshmans. Oshmans is the one. Because Oshmans had. Basketball inside. They had inside basketball. Inside baseball batting cage and a golf simulator.

Yes. And I remember as a young kid wondering how they were in business. Because you would go into there, and there wouldn't be a sole around, except for in those places where you got to play basketball, and you got to swing the golf simulator. But no one was buying nothing.

No, we would go to Oshman's just to play basketball. You named it right away. I couldn't remember the name of it, because they put one out here in Arizona when you were growing up, but Oshman just to play basketball. You named it right away. I couldn't remember the name of it because they put one out here in Arizona when you were growing up. But Oshman's is gone. It was walking distance from my house, boys. Oh, really?

Yeah. So you'd go over to Oshman's? Yeah, and I knew Oshman's very well. I know why they went out of business, too. Because there was a change in their management or from the top down said you can no longer come and play basketball here. Like it's just to like test a basketball. You couldn't have a game because of

whatever like and then you know what happened. You know the next time I went to Auschwitz never again you you have a basketball court in there to be played with and then I go to play with my friends and they're like I'm sorry. You can't play a pickup game here anymore Then I will never be back enjoy being out of business. No, I actually remember when they did that Did you ever purchase it? I hated them. They got tired of people loitering around. Yeah buying their products and yeah spending time at their business Dummies, but like in that time, did you ever buy anything?

No, no. No, it was overpriced. I was a kid. I didn't have money. You were just using their electricity. Well, they're spending their electricity either way. Creating goodwill in his home, in his family home. Really, the goodwill ran out.

And they're like, we got to make some money, guys. Yeah, but the way to make money isn't to say, get off my lawn. Yeah, so all right, that'll do it for today's draft. Do you have any quick... Oh I got a lot on my list. CompUSA, Sports Authority, Sharper Image. Sharper Image is on mine too. Mine is less stores left. DeLorean Motor Company. Napster and Netscape and Vine. Okay. You they're not around anymore, but Vine, I was just thinking about businesses. And then Kmart.

The problem is I just didn't, I never liked Kmart. No, I didn't either. I felt like I needed a tetanus shot. If I went to Kmart, I'm like, mmm. You looked at it worse than Walmart? Oh, big time, big time. Oh, wow. I thought Kmart was a step up from no if my vaccines weren't up to date

All right, Mike you got any honorables uh We've said mostly everything then I had DeLorean did you yeah? I had a nice anybody remember service merchandise. Yeah, what service? I'll tell you what I remember about service merchandise. What is that? It's like a Target. It was a store that had a commercial. And the commercial had a kid who brought his little Walkman into the return desk and said, sir, today I bought this.

But today I saw this. And it was the discounted price on this. Or yesterday I bought this. And today I saw this. And it was discounted. And they're like. I bought this and today I saw this and it was discount and they're like here you go And they'd give him the difference good for you walked out all happy and then they shut the doors and closed the company Montgomery wars, you remember that Montgomery wars is basically the same thing mervins. Is that all I actually did like mervins That was more. I mean it was closed smelled like a perfume I actually did like Mervins. That was more, I mean it was clothes shopping. Smelled like perfume.

You liked Mervins? This guy liked Mervins! I had memories of going to Mervins. I don't know if I like it or not. What a weird name. Both Montgomery Ward and Mervins. E-Machines? You just named it all computer companies? So were people named Mervin?

Mervin sounds like a Muppets name. Like, Gonzo and Mervin. I'm pretty sure that's a wizard. Mervin? Mervin sounds like a Muppets name like Gonzo and Mervin. I'm pretty sure that's a wizard. Mervin. No that's Merlin you dummy. I know. Okay. What did we learn today? I learned that we're old. We're old. I learned that adults have a bunch of teeth kids don't have and that you gotta have even number of teeth. You don't have to. It is recommended. Alright that'll do it for today's Spitballers. Thanks for joining us kids. Thanks for staying around. Back with episode 281 next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com.