Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Butt Hiccups & Classic Dad Sayings - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

It’s another can’t miss episode of the Spitballers Podcast. On this episode we face down a case of the butt hiccups, play What’s the Difference and wrap things up with a draft of the most classic Dad Sayings! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Badoom, badoom, badoom, badoom, doom, doom. Yeah, nice. I'm in. I didn't know we could bring instruments here.

Oh, you can. You brought a whole set. Well, just two. I brought Phil. Yeah. I can feel it. Calm. Welcome into the spitballers, episode 339 in our long.

They do it on the football games now, and it's in my head. In storied history. Yeah. No, it's good, Mike. I appreciate it. And now you are rewarded with the number one picking our draft later today on the show. Oh, all right. That's good.

is clear 101. There's a clear one-on-one. We are drafting classic dad sayings. I think there is a clear 101. There are, oh, is it? I think so. Oh. I mean, there's a lot. There's a, there's a, there's a ton of great. There's a ton of great. It's not like, like when you're in basketball or whatever, it's, you got Michael Jordan. Right. Or let's say. No, there's just one there. Right. It's like, I think they're all about equal. But there's ones that I actually say.

Oh, okay. So, all right. Well, you have the first two picks. So, Jason, if he doesn't pick what you think is number one, guess what? You get it. We're doing Would You Rather and What's the Difference, Al Borland in the House, those watching on YouTube, you can wave at the shadowy man under the hat. What's up, Steve Wads? Papa Josh sitting in as well. Let's just get this show on the road.

Would you rather? Jonah writes in from the website, Would you rather not be able to convey any emotion through your voice? or not be able to convey emotion through your facial expressions. So inflection versus expression, is that kind of? This is, I think we've got to, we need to talk about this philosophically and not individually because we do a podcast for a living. I mean, I think we all, for a living.

Exactly. We all have to pick. If this is like us, we have to pick emotion in our voice. Emotion in our voice would be the most important thing for us to pick. yes it would you just proved that yeah i mean we um for our career and yeah but for our career yes but let's say you take that out of it and it's just like everyday life you're walking around you're doing things i mean i feel still like voice is more important have you ever met somebody that doesn't do a lot of facial we infasis we have a an infamous story in my friend

group of we were at a this is high school and we go to a pizza joint and one of the guys brings a new gal into into the group and you know to hang out get some pizza and we're we're yucking it up because we're joksters and after a few good zingers I'm just going to I have to do my right yeah yeah like no good jokes and this is this is what happened, she laughs and then goes you guys are funny.

And just didn't do anything else. The whole road, it was like, like, wait, what? Are you being serious? What? So was it the voice or was it both? It was both. It was both. It was both. But I was just saying, you guys are so funny. And at that point you have to imagine

that it's sarcasm. It felt like it, but I think it was the truth. That's because you thought. I, it's just factually correct. Well, um, bo-dum-do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- also good at eardrums. If you were to have, it's hard. How are you trying to do just face? To do face without the voice going up, but it's like, when your cheeks go up, your voice

go up, your voice. Yeah, if you're watching YouTube, if you want to sound happier, if you want to have a brighter voice, just literally smile, and you will talk like you're smiling. I think I need, like, I think because of the utility of the voice that works on the phone, that works in context where you don't see the person, I think you want that one, the voice would be more valuable. You can always, like, I think people will always believe that. They won't necessarily believe the face with the voice being wrong. There's also long, there's long term benefits to not being able to have facial expression. Oh. Oh, from wrinkle standpoint?

Yeah. I mean, my forehead's going to wrinkle less. my crows. You look like a guy who's had a lot of expressions. I have had, look at these lines. These lines are earned on my face. I mean, I got my, my, my frown, my frown wrinkle is defined.

Yeah. Elite. That thing is buff. Why are you not proud of our, our wrinkles? Because it means you're old. But it's like, because it means you're old. It means you smile a lot. It means, you've smiled for many, many, many years.

Well, that's true. That's the, I mean, that's just the problem. Why don't you like wrinkles? Because it means you're old. you can make the argument of why don't we just love being old I'm saying why don't we appreciate physical experience the way we appreciate mental experience because when you're old I've never called looking old physical experience before but that's what I'm calling it right now yeah but you just you get gross

you're not youth and hot you get gross why is it gross that's what I'm saying if everybody on the entire everybody on the entire earth ages yeah and we've all decided that if you do the thing that you can't not do. Even when you try to fake it, it's bad. And if you do it longer, which is everyone's goal. Yeah, we all want to get wrinklier. Right. You want to do it longer than everyone else. Correct. Now you see what I'm saying? It's pretty stupid.

I do. I, I, are unfair. Completely recognize there. Culturally, societally, the elderly should be held in a much higher esteem in all respects, because genuinely that is, that is experience, that is life, That is success. That is all those things.

But a nasty and gross. Yeah. Nasty and gross. And my nasty old grumpiness is up. I will say I have appreciated. One thing I've appreciated with age is people auto taking you seriously. There was a period of time where even when I wanted to say something important or real to somebody, I was dismissed due to age of being too young. But they auto don't see you as cool as well.

Right. Right. Well, that's, yeah, that is true. Do you, how do you react when you go to, you go to the restaurant, you're like, hey, I would like in adult beverage and I'm like, I'm going to need to see your ID. Oh, I'd be very pleased right now. Okay. I roll my eyes. I do not. I'm like, I don't get, I don't get, I'm not upset by, I'm not like offended, like, excuse me.

I'm just like, why are you wasting our time? Look at me. Look at my children or, you know, it's like, I don't, there's no way I'm not. Look at my life experience. I know. Look at my physical experience. Look at my physical experience on my face. Look at the sides of my eyes.

You know I'm not 21. Yeah. I'll take the voice. Yeah. Oh, there was a question. I'm taking the voice. Final answer. Yeah, I guess.

Amy from Patreon, would you rather have to put on bulky winter gloves or long underwear and ski pants every time you leave the house? You can only remove them upon returning home. Explain this to me. Because on the surface, it's like gloves are easy and quick. It's, okay.

But you're saying you're stuck with them. Yes. And it's really hard to do things with big old gloves. Oh, it's awful. I mean, phone is gone. Do I, are these gloves with independent finger movements or am I in mittens? They are independent finger movements, but they're the really big bulky ones and they're not capacitive. Okay.

That's a big word. That means that the phones don't work. Is that what you're trying to say? Correct. All right. I thought they have so much physical and mental experience. Usually a maximum capacity of a glove is five. One of the things that is the most annoying about...

That's a good joke. That is a bad dad joke. I mean, that was... Put it on long underwear and ski pants and then having to remove them and put them on and remove them. That is awful. No, it's not to put them removing. It's go out in Arizona in the summer and you're wearing long underwear and ski pants.

Maybe these non-capacitive ski gloves are the solution to kids being their phones too much. Maybe instead of taking the phones away, we never take the phones away. We just put them in gloves. Instead of the phone free gloves. Yeah. Here's your gloves. Put these on and they have a little lock and you can't take off the gloves.

No way to get those off. That'd be great. So this is whenever we leave the house, we have them on until we're back home. What are some other reasons you would need gloves other than, is it just, it's just weather, right? There's, if they're big bulky. If they're big bulky gloves, the only potential possible nice thing is, like, snow. What about hot? Can bulky winter gloves handle hot? Yes.

Hot food? They can. But I was thinking about that. I was like, okay, maybe I'm going to go to my chef job. Okay, now chop something with big bulky gloves. No, the only thing you can do is I'm to take it out of the oven guy. Like, all I do. I got that.

Don't worry about it. Let me lift that. Let me deliver this hot. plate for you. What are those fajitas? Not a problem. That's my job. Look at these gloves. You're Mr. Fahita. Yeah. Just going down the aisles.

And you talked about like the long underwear and ski pants. You'll be so hot. Really hot in Arizona. I genuinely believe that you would be hotter in big, bulky snow gloves. I disagree. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. I disagree. Yeah. Why would you be hotter in gloves than long underline?

wear the skin on the bottom of your foot and the palm of your hand is the most that is where temperature is regulated the most that's where they shut it off because your body's like this don't this does not matter people don't just put gloves on in the winter and walk outside because they're fine i'm just saying your temperature regulation is mostly controlled by those two areas so if you were to put on giant bulky gloves and go outside in the heat i genuinely think it would be be worse than pants. No, I strongly disagree. I genuinely disagree. You wear pants every day in Arizona. You don't go out crying. No, temperature regulation is not mostly in your hands. While

they're powerful thermoregulators, the primary control center is the hypothalamus of the brain and controls all their systems. So your head. Okay, the brain, but I'm saying, they can dissipate a significant amount of heat. I'm saying from your skin. I didn't know we were going to like brain regulation of how we feel about the temperature. You used the word regulation. I just looked up what I will, after the show, which is wrong, I will, we could check this. I only wear pants because, number one,

just for the show, I don't want my legs in there. And number two, what cannot regulate temperature is our office. Our office is either the hottest or the coldest place in the entire world, and in the summer, it turns into the coldest place. I mean, this is the simplest thing ever, because when it's

cold outside, and you give me the option of ski pants and long underwear or a pair of gloves, I will put on the long underwear and the ski pants and be warmer. Jason. Jason's just gloves. That's all I would need, man. You're not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. It's all I used to be, you big band. Fifteen minutes ago, he turned their air off again.

I catch him sneaking around and turned it off all the time. Mike is right. Our office gets insanely cold sometimes. Yeah. And it's a... You never used to say that. Well, it's a media. Until your physical experience became more pronounced. The office we're in is, it's hot. Are you going to wear a sweater soon indoors? Are you that close to being

a grandmotherly librarian? I hope so. H hoodie season is the best. I hope I am. I've got, you know, another 35 to go. So maybe I'll shed 35 all day. Add an Afghan or something. I thought you meant 35 years left. I hope. You meant way. That's not bad. Yeah.

Okay. Look, I'm going to go ahead and put on the gloves because of the fact Arizona Howell, you're in on hoodie life. Oh, man. Dude, hoodies and joggers is the best. I would live my life that way. But you can't? No. It's too hot. I'm still old Jason.

All right. My final answer is I'll wear the gloves. I will wear the pants and actually be able to do things with my life. What are you going to do with those gloves on? You can't do anything. If you're dead, though, will you be able to do anything? Go type. Go to work on your laptop. I don't have to. I'll be at home. I'll use my voice command. I'll work from home. Okay. All right. Judah, Judah. So we had a Jonah and a Judah.

You've been arrested. It must be brothers. Everyone's got to go to prison once in their life. You've been arrested. You know what you did. The judge allows you to choose your fate. You know what you did. Would you rather one year in the clink?

Thanks for that, Al. In the clink. Or immediately released the first time you have hiccups that last for more than five minutes. Oh, man. Okay. So this to me. I haven't, I mean, I don't know if I can make hiccups happen. No, you can't make hiccups happen.

And this is a non-faking. This is real. I mean, Mike might be able to. No. This, to me, drink, drink, drink. To me, this is a question of beer. Can I get a beer inside of prison? Can I sneak?

Can I trade? You can get toilet wine. I have no experience on to whether or not toilet wine gives me hiccup. This is my deep research of watching movies. Or whether it's actually wine. Well, they call it that. Let me ask you this. Are they fermenting in the toilet?

Yes. If I told you. I do not know about toilet water. Yeah, they get, they hold it? No, they get like old fruit scraps. Oh, come on, man. And then they put it, you need a container. Yes, I'm aware.

And you got to ferment the sugars. Yeah, but then where do you go to the bathroom? Hold it? Oh. Yeah, you go. For the fermenting of days and weeks? You go in the yard. Listen, if I told you right now, or there is a sink.

If I told you, you get $1 billion cash and a sports. team of your choice. All you got to do is get hiccups in the next 24 hours. Okay. You think you get it done? I think I can get it done. You could get hiccups to the last a minute? I think so. I don't drink a lot of beer. I don't like beer. But that's what you're saying is your hiccup juice. It feels like when I have a beer, if I just drink one beer, I just get the hiccups. And so I would drink a beer, wait a couple hours, drink a beer. I would certainly take the gamble. Do you get it at all from bread? No. Okay. My, might. My, my, my. I would. I would. I would certainly take a beer. I don't. I My wife?

I eat a lot of bread. Literally, every single time she eats bread, the first bite, she will have the hiccups for a small time period. It is insane. What is the longest period in your life that you believe you have gone between hiccups? Bouts? Between getting hiccups for a minute. Not like your classic, incredibly documented hour-long hiccup journey.

I'm just talking like, oh, I have the hiccups. right now. The longest gap. So multiple years for you? I think multiple years. I don't get them anymore. I feel like I get them more as a kid because I think it's about like the speed of eating and stuff like that. And like if you, and that makes sense with you actually because you eat like a Tasmanian devil. Yes. And as kids, you just check out. You wolf stuff down so much. I think I got them all the time as a kid. I see you nodding, Al. Do you agree with that? You're not nodding at us that I was not. Are you researching toilet wine?

You should. You should be. Are you making it right now? We have three toilets here. And we can sacrifice one of those for the toilet wine or more commonly known as Pruno. Yeah. Or prison hooch. Prison hooch.

Oh, man. So, so I just think I couldn't get it on purpose. I guess I could try to eat stuff really fast. Yeah, you'd have to eat. Be really full. Take big breath. How incredible would it be? You've been in there for six months. Uh-huh.

You're living prison life. You're sad. You're awful. Your days are bad. And you turn around and you've got the hiccups. Oh, and you know what the number way to get rid of it would be? Thinking about it.

That's the problem. Oh, because you have to have it for five minutes. Oh, five? That's what it said? Oh, my God. I can tell you. I can tell you having hiccups and like,

you're just like I'm going to wheel them away does not work well I know this from watching you you could not get rid of no if you were offered a billion to stop hiccuping oh it was impossible you would not be able to do I think I will take the hiccups here I believe I will have five minutes a serious bout of hiccups within a calendar year can you get hiccups while you sleep I don't think so can you hiccup like for a couple I think you can have hiccups go to sleep and continue hiccuping oh you wouldn't be a sleep but they pause you think I don't know. I think you would fall asleep and continue hiccuping as you slept, but I don't think you'd start

hiccup. You could butt hiccup, which they call farting. Yes. Yes, I can. Dude, I can sleep. Sleep, fart. If you had to fart for half an hour while you sleep in jail, you'd be out in a day. Yeah, like a total, not obviously not continuous.

Cumulative. Would you be the worst cellmate then, known to man? Yeah. Okay. And your wife sleeps next to you every day. Correct. So sort of a cellmate. For her. Yes. Prison sentence. Okay, I'm taking the year in the clink. I don't think I could pull this off. Yeah. It's probably the year. Because, I mean... Can you eat prison food fast enough? Like, is it that bad? Could you eat it fast enough to get yourself some hiccups?

Maybe. I would try to eat and drink like a wild person. Just like... shoveling it into your mouth I think that's what you got to do anyways you got to get elbows out oh you got to fight for your food yeah yeah yeah I've established again everything from the movies would you rather never be able to wear

sunglasses or always wear sunglasses oh man did you put Jonah in here again just to be funny or did you really submit questions from Jonah that was a copy page there was a Jonah and a Judah okay um never wear sunglasses always wear sunglasses the people in Arizona

that are not wearing sunglasses outside, I don't understand how you survive. They're called children. All children do not need sunglasses. You offer them sunglasses and they will say, I do not need sunglasses. Josh, you don't wear sunglasses? I don't.

How is this possible? I just squint, man. So I've been, how is that possible? I have been in my adult life in Arizona on both sides of this. So I understand Mike's flabbergastedness and I understand Josh's

eye problems I spent my entire life up into my 30s in Arizona never having owned a pair of sunglasses didn't need them didn't think about it or was this a I don't remember your eyesight no no so I was young I never needed them

eventually I'm saying the glasses with glasses did you need glasses back then glasses no no glasses were probably late 20s so some around there. And once I had glasses, I, sunglasses don't work. Like, I guess, I can't wear sunglasses from the, you know, the convenience store because then I put them on and I can't see because they're not prescription. Right. So then I lived my entire life and I would always

hear people be like, it's impossible to live without sunglasses. I'm like, actually, it's really easy. You just don't think about it and it never was any problem. Then I got a prescription and I got prescription sunglasses one day. and I wore those and I was like, this is incredible. This is incredible. Which is where Josh is currently out. I can drive towards the sun in Arizona and this is I can see.

I'm not like putting my life in danger. What's funny is Josh did not say, hey, I don't wear them. He acknowledged that there's a significant issue. But his answer was not sunglasses. It was I squint regularly. Right. So like he is actually actively squinting.

Yeah, he has the human sunglasses. problem that sunglasses would fix. So then I... Are you, like, morally opposed to sunglasses? No, I mean, I have a pair. I just don't ever wear them. Hmm. It's... Why? It's dumb.

And I... Wear them. I couldn't comprehend. I'm not arguing with you. The quality of your life will go up if you wear sunglasses outside. But now, here's the craziest thing. The last like two years, I stopped using them. I stopped... Wait, you haven't worn them? I haven't worn them in two years. Due to... I will say this. I do. Losing.

them? No, no, no. They're in my truck. Really? Like, easy to grab. I wear them if I am, if the sun is a place where my visor can't get, of course, I'm going to throw those on so that I can survive. It's weird. This is very, you have them available to you nearby. I don't need them.

It's weird. Look, of course you don't, if you don't have sunglasses, you will be alive and you will go to sleep and everything will be fine because humans existed, we evolved, and the sun was up there and we didn't have sunglasses. Walking around with his long johns on and no sunglasses.

The thing is quality of life improves when you go outside. You're like, wow, it's really bright. And they're like, hey, we got this invention. And it's just a tiny little piece of tint. You can see fantastic. You can actually see even better if you put them on. Yeah. And you're like, if I had to always have sunglasses.

They weren't cheap either. Or never. No, no, prescription sunglasses are expensive. I'm going to keep them right here in this. But I can't be inside. My eyesight, unlike Andy, Andy wants everything dark, dim. I need it bright or I can't see anything. And so I could not do sunglasses inside.

When I walk inside and put sunglasses on, they might as well be black out. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, James got some sunglasses on. I can see just fine. All of that fighting, I would definitely take no sunglasses because of the indoor problem. Definitely. Yeah. I'm going to wear him indoors.

Yeah, okay. you're the rock star the problem with that is people are going to make some judgments about you which are probably accurate right probably awesome if you're the guy who's like i'm gonna wear my sunglasses inside like uh you would judge that person oh yes harshly harshly now look if there's one over there if it's a if you're wearing a pair of like you know like the bono where bono wears like it's not oh a half tint like It's not a full, it's a color. You're like, okay, I guess. Can I interest you in some transition lenses? Oh, my gosh. Jason bought a pair of transitions like 20 years ago, and he tried so hard to use these things. It makes so much logical sense.

You look so dumb. It makes, I wear, I wear glasses 100% of my waking hours. If I'm not in the shower, I have glasses on or I can't exist. And so the fact that I have. to, if I want to wear sunglasses, I have to have two pairs of glasses. I mean, I've got to take my glasses off, hang them on my shirt or put them somewhere. You could go old person glasses and just that cover. Yeah, the cover.

Well, that's what I was thinking, you know what? There's a technology that has solved this. These glasses will become sunglasses in the sun and then they will not when they're inside. It does solve that problem. The problem is it's always a little tinted. It looks so stupid when you're inside. When it's half tinted, you look down. You look so dumb.

And also the shape of them, the shape of glasses and sunglasses are very different. So it's like I didn't have big old glasses. I just had like smaller, regular, like life glasses. And then they become, you know, shades. It's like, why are you? Why do you have these tiny little shades? You know the glass tech where you hit it with like a small electric charge and it frosts? Yeah.

Do they have that for a tint? Like if we had glasses that just, like, maybe had a little battery in it, and then you could turn it on and off, as opposed to waiting the three hours in the doors. Full on, full all. Like, then that would not be a problem. Mike, let's talk. I'm on it.

Let's talk after this. We got a, I got a business idea. All right. We got to take a break. We'll come back with some. What are we doing? What's the difference? What's the difference between me and you?

Okay, all right. We're going to do our thing. We're going to figure this out. What is the difference between hovering? Okay. Levitating. Flying. Oh, this is an easy one.

I feel like flying is in a different. World. Oh, for sure. Flying is, it involves speed. Mm-hmm. Clouds. Oh, yeah, you can fly through clouds. Yeah, for sure.

height. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's, but it's like more about how fast you can do. Where hovering is, hovering is to flying as walking is to running. A little bit except, hovering requires a very short distance from the... You hover over space? You have to hover over something. I just want to know the difference.

between the levitating and the hovering, because I don't... Levitating is you don't move. So there's no movement, but hovering, you can move? Yeah, if you're levitating, you're like, you hover above something. But if you were to... Like a helicopter hovers over a lake. And it can go forward and backward and all those. Levitating, you can't go forward backward.

You're just in the air. Okay. Someone could push you, and now you will be hovering. If someone pushes a levitating person... They are now... So there's a momentum that must expire. Correct. Interesting.

But if they only have the power of a levitation, then the hovering will eventually die off and then they'll just be. So if I levitate this, I'm looking at the desk, this gnome in the middle, it just comes straight up. Yes. But if I bring it to me. Now it's hovering towards you. It's hovering towards me. Correct. I will say this. The only, the only difference there is there is still a height component.

If this were slowly moving right above the table, it's hovering. But if it was slowly moving up in the middle of the sky, that's not hovering. It's way too high. No, that's levitating. Oh, you levitate. You can levitate high. If I, hovering, if I, hovering, yeah.

But you're so far up. You have to hover over something. A helicopter can hover very high up. They don't call that hovering. They do. What do they call it? What do they call it? Flying.

If it's in one spot. But there's stationary flying? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought stationary was levitating. You're telling me now stationary is hovering. Boys. You can't levitate something that can fly on its own merit. So my point is I don't believe.

Think about a hoverboard, right? Uh-huh. I mean, it hovers. but it can't go any further up it's it also can't go over water well right right only helicopters can hover what is the magic carpet flies correct speed yeah it could go over sideways and under so that's a big part of it the movement is a big part of flying oh my gosh um hmm i whatever we got it what is it ever switch to me next question a trap A hike and a journey.

I mean, the first two necessitate walking. A journey does not necessitate walking. A journey could be in a car, in a boat, and a plane. A journey can be... You don't think you can take a trek without walking? No. What about Star Trek? That's dumb.

Well, they're, I mean, they're metaphorically walking through the stars. Okay, that's... But, like, a journey, a hike is... I come back to where I started. Which sounds cooler? A journey. Oh, a trek for sure. So is a trek shorter than a hike?

No longer. It's longer. Do I have cooler tech for my trek? Probably. That's part of what the metaphor was in Star Trek. I mean, it's about the technology. I feel like a journey.

The technology. I feel like a journey is just, I mean, I just wouldn't describe anything a hiker does as a journey. No, because it's a hike. It's a trek. Tell me this. This is not, forget what's the difference. This is a genuine question. You can't hike on level ground, right? Yes. I did wonder about the hike. I don't feel like you can hike on level ground. If I, that's just walking.

Like if I, if I, you know what's weird about that is if there's trees around you, it will feel like a hike. If there's trees around you, you're probably on a hillside. No, no, there's lots of trees on flat ground. And if you walk there's trees all over my neighborhood. If you walk through them. All over my neighborhood. I'm not going on a hike. No. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, imagine a flat, circular hike.

It would not feel like a hike if I'm in the desert walking in a circle. If you put up a bunch of big trees right there and I walk between those trees, I'm hiking. I don't think you're hiking at all. I think it's less about the trees. If you want to make a stupid argument like that, then talk about the ground. That's where I was going to go. If it's asphalt, if it's sidewalk, no, that's obviously not a hike on. It's got to be dirt.

It's got to be earth. It cannot be a man. made surface. Hikes can only be on Earth. Oh, no. There's a lot of hikes that they add man-made. Oh, sure, sure. Along the ways, there's a couple steps. Yeah. What voice?

Sure, sure. You got really high pitched. Steps are even like, there's a hike up north that's almost like half of it's like paid. Right through the woods. Half? If it's half. If it's half, I'll bet you anything, it's 49% or four. Yeah. Because they wanted it to retain hike status. Otherwise, I'm not sure what a track. really is. A trek isn't, I feel like a trek is something that ends up happening not necessarily on purpose. Like if I got lost in the woods and I, and I came back to where I was, like, you know,

to where I was found, that would be like, I'm trekking back through the woods. Something in my head says speed matters on a trek. Is it faster than a hike? I think you need two of those walking poles. I think it's faster than a hike. If you have two walking poles, okay. Does that make it a track? Hmm, makes it a Nordic trick. Swit! don't laugh that was so bad it was good that was that was a swish that would have to be in finland or something you know what you you get my book i'll get the bad jokes book i didn't know that was a trophy shooting his shots what what is a trek i this is what i'm saying we're supposed to figure this out a trek just feels like use it in a sentence oh gosh star trek is

one of the greatest shows gosh here's what i'd say i said man i had one heck of a track Getting out from the middle of the woods back to my cabin. It was quite the trek. I think a trek has to be. I don't think there's a path defined for you. A trek, you don't got no hiking path. A trek is straight through. A trek is difficult.

That is a fact. Okay. Treks are not easy. Yeah, it's not for the week. If I go on a hike, there's a path. It's established, whatever. A trek has obstacles. A trek absolutely has some difficulty.

This is not happy, go lucky, just whatever. whatever. This is like... It's as the crow flies. I want to get to that lake. You're going to go on the path. Where do you... I'm taking a trek straight through the way. Where do you trek to? It could be anywhere. Are you sure? I am sure. So like, let's say you're on a hike. Uh-huh. Okay. You're on a hike. You're up at your cabin in the woods because we've established tree's important on a hike. Also, elevation, well established part of normal hiking. Kind of inclined. You're hiking. Just at least a 3% incline. So you're, but this is like a 10%. So you're, you're on

this 10% incline up through the cabin in the woods and you're going on a hike. It's your morning hike. You've done this hike a million times. You come across a bear. That bear attacks you. That you climb into a tree. It climbs after you on a tree. Yeah. You stay in the tree and the bear circles the tree for a while. You are scared. You're trying to call your family. No, it went back to the bottom. It's waiting you out. This is this is now. Doesn't want to climb. It was like, it's not going to do it. Super easy. It could do anytime. He wants to wear you out.

It wants this to be, it wants you to run out of food and hope. So then you're trying to call your family, trying to call 911. You can't get a hold. You're in a cabin in the woods in the middle. There's no service. You don't have satellite phone yet. And so this is a real issue. You decide there's only one way out.

This bear is not leaving without you. You jump down on back the story would leave without me. You jump on the back of this bear. You give it a rear naked choke. It's somehow some way. You survive. and you kill that bear, and you walk back down to your house. That was not a hike. You took a trek, my man.

Because you got it in a bear fight. Because there was a- I want to agree because that took forever. Because a trek has obstacles. A trek is arduous. Did you walk back on the same morning path? Sure. I mean, probably.

So if you fight a bear, it's a trek? If you have obstacles and problems that you overcome, that's a trek. So what about your alcoholism that lets you down? Like, if you overcome alcoholism, what a trek. Well, then what's a journey? A journey is really, it's so broad. It must, you must be able to tell the story of a journey in more than a half an hour, obviously. Oh, yeah.

You have to be able to sit around a campfire and tell it. And a journey doesn't require problems. It doesn't, that is not a prerequisite. You can have, you can have a, I would, distance and space. You have to have least 12 kilometers. You have to at least cross. one line of like one country to another,

state to a state. It's got to have a line on a map. Okay. I don't think we learned anything. What's the difference between a Okay, which one do I want to go with? What's the difference between renovating, remodeling, and revamping?

Revamping is almost nothing. If you revamp a room, what happens to the room? Did you just like move the furniture around? Yeah, maybe you have. You revamped? It's not remodeling. That's not renovating. You added a vase.

You decorated a little bit. Oh, look, we revamped in here. We revamped this room. Oh, you put up a new picture. Yeah, look at the wallpaper over there. It's totally different. Same room. Same room.

Wallpaper is a revamp. Well, I feel like wallpaper goes into a remodel. No, that was one wall. One wall. Oh, an accent wall. It was an accent wall. That's right. I didn't do the whole room.

You probably didn't really do any prep. You probably just put it up real quick. Yeah, it's a quick revamp. Okay. Now, when you look at a renovation or a remodel, now that's that's where it gets interesting we're getting into you got to did you hire someone um you know because one of these needs workers i think both of those needs workers can i one or two okay one or two needs workers can you remodel which is more expensive without tools no i don't think so

no okay i was i thought i found a no unless you can push the wall down if you can push a wall down then yes i think a remodel is more expensive in a bigger project than a renovation than renovating i'm doing a home renovation. I'm doing a home remodel. I don't know. Oh, renovation is way more intense. Really? I think renovation might be bigger. Yeah. Okay. Hold on. You hear all the time. You can remodel a bathroom. You can't renovate a bathroom. You renovate a house. It's a bigger scale. Remodel a bathroom. Renovation, you're not renovating a room. Multi room. 100%. I think you've got to take a wall down. You have to take a wall down. Because it's like, I can remodel the bathroom. But if I took a wall down while I'm remodeling, I have renovated. Okay. So when you're talking about

workers, contractors. That is a full-scale renovation. You have to renovate it. You could remodel your bathroom yourself, yes. You could technically remodel your own bathroom, yeah. What I want to know is when we're taking all these walls down, why aren't we using them again? We've got to find a way to get them down and move them around. You've seen someone take a wall down?

Yeah, they use these tools. The walls and use them. We need to be able to cut them out. Yeah. The dry wall? Yeah. The whole thing. It would be.

And move it and pop it into play. reuse. This would be good, I think, for us to figure out how to reuse walls. We're so smart. All right, we're taking a break, then we're drafting. Dumb. Well, this should be fun. We are drafting classic dad sayings, of which Mike has already tried to work about 10 of them into today's show.

but classic dad sayings we are all dads we have probably used some of these have used many of these on purpose or on accident they just they find a way into conversation yeah some of them i feel it inside it's like a like a gas bubble and it's i can't stop it i have to say it all right classic dad sayings mike you have the first pick you said you thought there was a 101 there i would that was i was lying i said i thought there was a one-on-one i said i thought there was a 101 for me because I have to say it every time. It's you arrive somewhere where a line is involved and you're at the front and then rapidly after you get there, a huge line comes in behind you. Okay, so I get my 101.

Go on, go on. Yeah, what is this saying? Guess we came at the right time. Oh, interesting. Okay, guess we came at the right time. I've said that every time that's happened. See? every time that's happened. You can't not say it. No, I can't ignore the success of being at the front of the line before all these people, these losers. Yes. Yeah, I got here at the right time. Oh, that's, you know what? That is absolutely not worth the 101, but a great pick. Okay. Um, I love that pick. That was not on my list. That's a fantastic fourth rounder, man. Um, but I, I just want to tell you, like, I know you, you might think, look, Mike. Yeah.

I'm not mad. Okay. I'm just disappointed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That to me is the most classic. Do you know how long I waited in my life to be able to tell someone I'm not mad? I'm just disappointed. And the truth is, the actual not...

The truth is, I am mad and disappointed. No, no, sometimes it's a true statement and it's a powerful statement. And I have used this classic dadline in the most serious. setting imaginable without any joke or like I have said this for its full original intent and purpose to harm oh dude guide and build and let my kids know that I'm not mad I am just disappointed and because because I want what I'm saying to hurt more you know what I mean see to harm in that way in that way this is what I dismissed you and then described what you said

but I'm not trying to harm I'm just trying to inflict pain I'm not man to make an emotional impact more than madness exactly exactly uh did that work well on you as a kid did you ever get that line I don't think I got that line I wonder if we got the line and then we give the line

there were definitely a few there's some things on my list that I swore growing up I swore you'd never say I will never say this when I'm a parent oh I've said it 800 billion times when I have used, especially my youngest, then it turns into an argument of he's like, no, uh, you're mad. Oh, he doesn't believe you're like, no, dude,

I'm not mad and disappointed. No, you're saying, you're saying it like you're mad. And then before you know it, guess who's mad? Well, you're right. Are you happy now? I wasn't, but now I'm mad. All right, I'm going to go with my, I got two picks, right?

I'm going to go with the first one. When I was your age. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go with when, When I was your age. That's a good one. They got a no. Yes, they do.

Everything that you did, that was better than what they do. That is correct. And then I will follow that up with another classic deadline. Ask your mother. Oh, yeah. That's not on my list. Oh, it's on my list. That's so good.

I will go with Ask Your Mother. My favorite part of that, and this is part of why I did that, I'm not mad, I'm disappointed, because it feels specifically like a dad talk. A lot of these are just parent sayings. this is a dad that is a dad saying ask your mother this is like i'm not mom i'm dad did you forget who i am go go ask the boss um that's good i am the assistant manager yes no that's good the when i was your age what are your most common uses of that like for me it's either chores or jobs oh like when i was your age i was happy to have this or that or the other

So yours is more like gratitude. Probably. Okay. Mine is always of just like trying to explain to them like the tech and like the things that you have. I was like when I was your age, we didn't, this didn't exist. We looked it up in an encyclopedia. It's like imagine we had to, we had to drive our cars. You know how we got to a place?

You picked up the phone and you wrote down a list of directions. Uh-huh. And if you mess something up, you're not going to get there. You're just going to turn around and go back home. Yeah. I when when my children are grounded and they can't have their electronics I try to let them know like you are now my happiest to you like what I have nothing to do I these didn't exist yeah 40 years ago um all right so is back on me yep um this is the one that I swore growing up I would never say this and I did a good job with this for not saying it of not not saying this, I would always give a full

respectful rationale and reasoning for any decision I had. Because I because I actively thought, as I was growing up, I was never going to say what my mom used to say once upon a time. And for the first five or six years of having children, man, I nailed

that. Once the damn broke, man. Once the water started blowing, it's just like, well, I used it once. Because I said so. Oh, yeah. Because I said so. You want to know all the reason you need to do what I just said?

I said it. That's all. You don't need my motivation. You don't need to know all the rationale because I, your father, said so. Oh, my gosh. I went so long not saying that. And then you just, you got it. You got it home all out.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got a lot more to go to. When you get flustered and you're just like, I. And you don't want to explain it anymore. No. That's exactly what it is. The original dad invented that one because he was tired of explaining.

Not only, if I give you five times, the six times, it's been. I've already told you why. So now, just do it. Also, you don't need to know. You don't, I've got good reasons. This is need to know. You don't need to know. You don't need to know that to do what I'm saying.

You don't need, just do it because I said so. I can tell you've used it. Yeah, I can tell you've used it. All right, Mike, you got two of them. All right. This one, I feel like is. the classic dad vacation and I have

used it before the do not make me turn the car around as you are driving oh yeah don't make you turn the car don't make me turn this car around because have you ever turned it around I have it starts to become a false promise man I know I know it's always

wait is anybody actually turn the car around like in the history of humanity the problem is whenever that phrase has to be uttered is because we're going somewhere for something that I have already paid for. Yeah. Or a long trip because they're getting upset with how long

it is. But they don't tell you is how inconvenient turning the car around would actually be. Those false promises. Yeah, so I got that one. And then another one that as soon as you have children, you just, you can't stop. Let's say you go to the grocery store.

They're ringing up your items. There's an item, guys. It doesn't ring up. And they can't find it you know what that means oh looks like it's free oh man looks like it oh to the cashier oh yeah crap i've said that so many times i have never pulled that one out you don't jay you should they love it they do they love they pretend it's too it's too cringy they don't they hate it's it's the same as like like there's a couple things that were said or free i will also or free 99 oh there's you can do that one too sure that that made that one i've never done sugar on it yeah

There are a couple things that were so cringy growing up that I've stuck to the I'm not going to do that when I'm old. And every time I will say this, it crosses my mind every single time. You know, did you get a haircut? Don't say it. Don't say I got all of them cut. Don't do it. That's how I feel about the love. Looks like it's free.

Yeah, but you think it. Yeah, but sometimes you got to have some pride in who you are. All right, is it back on me again? It is. Okay. Man, I've got a lot on my list here. I'm going to say a dad saying a classic dad phrase, this will hurt me more than it will hurt you.

Okay. You know? Yeah. It's like, it's never the truth, but this, I want you to understand. I'm not going to take pleasure in this. I mean, the turning the car around, that will hurt me more. It hurts you. So that's just the classic.

No, it's a good one. You know. It's a good one. My third pick will be, don't make me come in there. Oh, yeah. Because I really don't want to come in there because I'm in another room and you're yelling with each other.

I'm doing something. You're fighting. You're hiding the word please in that statement. And I'm like, yeah, it's please don't make me come in there. Sometimes I guess I throw the please in there. Very kind man. So, yeah, don't make me come in there. Please don't make me come in there.

there. I got to pick a real good one for, for the last one. Well, it is your last pick, so you should probably take it. Yeah, I'm just trying to, it's got to be what I heard it as a kid. I tried to use it a couple times. It didn't really land. Oh, it's a classic. It's where you raised in a barn. Oh, dude, that is on my list. And I have used it. Where they leave the door open. Oh, goodness gracious. What did we have. And they do it. We, uh, you know, we had, we had. some stuff in life where we all the families at my house for multiple days and there's just so many of them and these these hooligan children they go outside they're like

door wide open like what are you doing just just just just reach behind the door the door is closed that or i mean you could take it but i was the uh was trying to out what is it air condition, the outside. Oh, yeah. It's pretty much the same thing, but yes. Yeah, oh my gosh. Children. All right. Were you born in a barn? All right, Jason, you get one final shot. There's so many left. It's so hard to pick. All right. So I've got, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. This will hurt me more than it hurts you. And what's my third one? Uh, looks like, I don't know. Because I said so. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Because I said so and this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. you. Oh gosh, do I want to go classic or what I say? I'm going to go with what I say. This is,

well, that's not a classic. This is a classic. Just go with the heart. Come on, Dad. What do you say? What do I say? There's definitely one phrase I've said more than any other phrase to my children in the 16 years that I've had them because I have two boys. And, you understand, understand this has only been to my boys. It was to my daughter for about, I don't know, six or seven years. Brush your teeth.

It's just, it's just like, that's a classic dad line, huh? Dude, brush your teeth. I mean, why? I don't, I can't. That said, uh, probably five times a minimum in my house every day. I can't wrap my head. I still, this week and every week for the last

at least six years. Yeah. This week I have, this morning. Actually, that's not true. But yesterday morning, which is true, I have the turning the phrase to the conversation. Like, when are you going to do this on your own? When will you just be like, this is disgusting to possibly just decide to not brush your, that's not like I should never have to say.

I should never once have to tell you. Why should I brush to brush your teeth? Because I said so. But if I don't say brush your teeth five times, if I tell them brush your teeth, I know it's not done. If I tell them brush your teeth two times, I'm confident it's not done. If I say, did you brush your teeth and they say, yes, I am pretty sure it's not done. And when I say brush your teeth right now, I've got a 50, 50 shots. That's, yeah, yeah, okay, it's a good one.

Brush your teeth. Jason's go to. Not a classic, but settle along in my house. I feel like, I mean, like, I had. When I was a kid, I was the same of just, I didn't, I hated showering, I hated brushing my teeth. Makes no sense. I was too. Is it all boys? I think it's, those things stand in the way of you doing something you want to do. Yes. That's what it is. It's you're like, okay, I want to go play. I want to go do something. Yeah. And I feel like, all kids do this. Generally, it's, once you become interested in romance, right. Is you're like, oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, I need. Oh, oh. Like, it's like. My teeth are looking pretty bad. And you're like, I have, I have a son who's at the age of, I would think he'd be interested in some romance and he's, yeah, not brushing the teeth. It's disgusting. And, all right, so my last pick, I don't know why we, uh, whatever, I don't know why we would fully do this because it's pretty silly of, uh, maybe because it insinuates your old.

But you get caught on the couch. Your eyes are closed. I almost went with this one, Mike. I'm not sleeping. I'm just resting my eyes. It's such a good one. And you're like, no, I was definitely trying to sneak in a snooze here. I was trying to get five to ten minutes. And I guess it's because you're like, I don't want to be seen as old and weak and frail.

I need a nap. You're like, no, I just had to rest them. Sometimes mom doesn't want dad to take a nap. And just like, you got to take care of the kitties. And like you will be startled awake. And you will still say that because we are morons. Yeah. Mike, guess we came at the right time.

Don't make me turn this car around. Looks like it's free. And I'm not sleeping. I'm just resting my eyes. Jason with the I'm not mad. I'm disappointed because I said so. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. And then brush your teeth.

I like it. Not quite as class. A private plea to his own children right this moment. And I have, when I was your age, ask your mother, don't make me come in there and were you born in a barn. Okay. What else? What did we love? learn today.

No time for that. Other things on the list? Yeah, go ahead. I've got, if all your friends jump off a bridge with you, classic. As long as you live under my roof. Oh, you follow my rules. That's a good one. Do as I say, not as I do.

That's a good one. You think money grows on trees? I have that one on there. And then now, now that they're older, be home by 11. Yeah. I had a little curfew. I had the money one. I had like a let's rock and roll.

That'll put hair on your chest. That's a really good. Some of the ones that I was looking up classics beyond what I could think of, they definitely felt a generation older. Yes. Like some didn't quite, you know, what do you think I am, the electric company or whatever, you know? Yeah, so what did I learn today?

I learned about prison hooch. Yeah. A.K.A. toilet wine. Yeah, me too. I learned that given the chance between underwear, long underwear, or gloves. Jason will just take the gloves in the winter to stay warm. Just like all the real winter people do.

Thank you for tuning in. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you.