Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Camera Confusion & Most Satisfying Sounds - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

Spit Hit for May 21st, 2026:  On this episode of Spitballers, we run into a near camera catastrophe, answer life’s greatest questions and wrap things up with a Most Satisfying Sounds Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bing, bop, boom, boom, boom, bam. I kind of scatter on, you wouldn't understand, Jason. Oh, I like it! Let's go! Let's go! This is going to be a good show!

I was so hoping you'd redeem that whole part of the show. there was there was a part of me that said this is this is it i'm going to do it i'm going to be the one that just goes silent doesn't do anything oh no and i'm like i did it guys instead you were going to kill the scat instead i was like well kentrick had a good idea so we're we're talking about sounds there you go and mr lamar gave me some sounds thank you for bringing it back mike uh i can smell a Biddingi in my future. Spitballers episode 318. Would you rather?

If you've never smelled a Biddingi, whew. Congrats. Yeah, I don't recommend it. Would you rather? That's a great question. And we are drafting the most satisfying sounds. Yes. I know, I know what it's not.

It's not a mechanical keyboard. Oh, you don't like that. No, I mean, I saw that on list. of like... To wonderful sound. Oh, gosh. It's so annoying. Really?

It's too much. Especially if someone is a, you know, a good typer of the keyboard. It's... Ch-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chch-ch-chchchch-chchchch-chch-chch-chch-th. I like a typist? Yeah. Typeist? That's not a word I've ever heard used before.

That's got to be the word, right? It is the word. It might be the word, but have you heard someone referred to as a typist? Yeah. Really. Yeah. I mean, I think it's a little bit more associated with like when there were people on a typewriter. Right.

Or I think of it in the in the like courtroom. What are those? Not a typist. There you go. You've never heard them referred to as a typist. No, I have not. Well, a typist would have to be somebody that only like types as a job. On a keyboard.

Yeah. Or a typeer. I mean, this is exactly what I was referring to. A person who is skilled in using a typewriter or a computer keyboard. That's that's why. I mean, that's why I said typewriter. It reminds me of that. Did you ever type on a typewriter?

I have typed on a typewriter before, yes. When I was... Nice, Mike. It's really crazy. That's the most satisfying sound. Some of those things that are like time... Now we're old as dirt now. And I remember my father telling stories of, you know, when he was a boy,

things are just crazy like they they had to move and they were poor and they had to move at one point and they had a covered wagon I know that's like one of his most embarrassing stories and it should be

oh okay so in my head I'm like what like a radio flyer you're talking like he's on he's getting dysentery on horses a covered wagon and there was one point where I believe he had did his axle brake where where and this

This is actually more common for people of our parents and grandparents generation where they didn't have like bathrooms and doors. You know, you had like an house. And that, you know, the sewage and plumbing, that's a relatively modern invention. But the typewriter is one of those things where I genuinely was at an age once where I used a typewriter for school. To write an assignment, not as a joke or like as like for this assignment, I'm going to write on a typewriter. It was like, no, I've got to type it up. So you use a typewriter. That feels ancient.

I will always remember, and I know those listening won't, but won't all understand. But if you use a typewriter, I just remember specifically if you needed to correct something. You went back and you took a little tiny plastic sheet that had white on it. Yeah. And you would type the exact same letter that you had typed onto the white and it would punch the white. Oh, to punch the white through. And it would cover the letter so you could read. type it.

And then we got in a covered wagon. Is that before after like actual Whiteout? It was before. Interesting. Man, Whiteout. Whiteout was ruling the world at one point. We're going to live forever. So,

so your dad had a covered wagon? Was he 600 years old? They moved in a covered wagon. I don't know if they had one usually or if they just rented it. I don't know. Rinting a covered wagon is worse. Like the Beverly Hill Belize? Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Wait, but you said he's very embarrassed by that? That was an embarrassing story that I just shared with the entire world. Because it shows his age? Yeah. Well, I think he was embarrassed. Why didn't they just take the Bronosaurus? Across the country. I think he was embarrassed then because I think it showed his economic stance.

Like other people had cars and stuff. This is the guy who makes the Ron sandwich. That is the man. The legend. But I'm saying the sandwich is not. an embarrassment. It's the covered wagon. Correct. That sandwich is awesome. It was the original sandwich invented of all sandwiches.

Would you rather that's a great question? Most satisfying sounds draft. We'll kick it off right now. Would you rather? Jason from the website writes in, after you die, would you rather have a theme park, national park or ballpark? Oh, man. Dedicated in your honor. So, wow. You know, you see different places with this library dedicated in this person's name or this wing of a hospital. This is a theme park, a national park, or a ballpark. Let me start with this question before you make your decision.

Because I really want to understand it, and I think the show is about understanding. Yes, and learning. What? A lot of people might say, okay, I don't even care. I'm dead. It doesn't matter. I get that viewpoint. But if you have something dedicated in your honor, what are you hoping that means when someone sees it?

Oh, like what did we do to deserve it? Well, no, just like what do you want, like if we're doing this thing, we're dedicating it in their honor. Are you wanting people to see it and be like they helped build this? Are you wanting people to see it and be like, I wonder who that was? Like what is the purpose of the dedication? More the second one. More of like, not like this is my park. I didn't build this park.

but like, you know, it was, yeah, you definitely need a bio under. Like a little bio. A little plaque that said, you know, like when you go to the zoo and it tells you what the, you know. He was a lover of theme parks and he dedicate this theme parks in his honor. That's not what it's going to say. Yeah. When I look at the question, he ate over 4,000 churros at this theme park. The national park feels the most prestigious.

But also it's the place I want to go to the least. So I'm really conflicted. which, and it is the one that will, that will stick. Right. Like a, like a ballpark, they change names or they get demoed and replaced. And you're just, then you got to hope they, the replacement stadium, they carry over the name. And theme parks, while we think of like Disneyland, you're like, well, Disneyland's forever. There's tons of theme parks that fail.

So wait, Al, are they naming it after you? Because I was imagining, like, the only reason I wouldn't pick the national park is there's lots of entries to a park. I thought you'd have to see this plaque on entry. No, it's going to be named after you. Oh, it's named after you? It's the Andy Holloway National Park. Oh, the stadiums will come and go. They'll knock that thing down.

They'll build another one. Theme parks, they'll have a lawsuit that one roller coaster broke. That guy died at Andy Holloway's theme park. But the National Park will be saved. There's going to be a lot of people that die the park, Jake. Yeah. The Bears. Oh, but they won't blame me.

No, they'll blame the Bears. I'm taking the National Park. I think this will be very special. But I'm taking the national park as well. I hope there's a lot of hiking trails on your park. Oh, for sure. It's just. Jason Moore's National Hiking Park.

It's just benches. There's still trails. We turned them into benches. There's still trails. Certainly no trees around. There's trails with benches so often. Flat walking paths. They're no incline at all.

But miles and miles of trails. It's all. because they bring you up in one of those. Yeah, we've got the little. A gondola? Yeah, for sure. What is the skiing, ski lift? Yeah.

Ski lift you to the top so you can walk at a slight decline. I like that, but still need the benches. That would be, like, if they came to you and said, can we use your name for this hiking park? You'd be like, yes, but put in 2,000 benches. Okay, so we're all going national park, so pick our park. Well, I'm saying, I have a picked. Oh, you didn't?

I'm still, the national park makes so much sense. just like if if the theme park hits and you have i mean the the the fact that walt disney like that's that's a real person and it's hard to even kind of think about that because like disney is a brand that's true disney is disney is feelings it's emotions it's all these these excitement it's these uh so taking on on wild rides with story so if it hits that's like pop tier stuff is people can't wait to go back to rights to yeah to right land or or whatever it is but there's just too much risk so i think i'm going to take the national park bobby from the

website would you rather get one dollar for every stranger you wave at ten dollars for every stranger you shake hands with so a wave a dollar a wave ten dollars for a handshake or a hundred dollars for every stranger you hug. In all cases, you must make direct eye contact with the stranger, and they must reciprocate the greeting. Interesting. So, okay, we're going to go make some money here. We're going to go make money.

I'm going to a busy mall full of strangers. Okay. I'm going to the food court because there's America, and that's where everybody's hanging out. Yeah. The line for Panda Express, at this moment, it does not matter what time of day it is. whenever you're listening. It could be a holiday. How is this possible? That line is around the corner at all malls. I am a huge supporter of Panda Express. I love it.

But the, you know, when we go to, we still have a mall, a mall that has not died. And Panda Express is still the hotness. I mean. Like, how is Chipotle is there? There's great other options, but it's like, panda. Is it, are they too slow? They're so fast. I don't understand the lines. And the other place is being slow.

Oh, so you just, you're like, I know that panda is fast. I know that the line is long, but it's going to be fast. I don't know. Anyways, what was the question? So I'm going to, I remember. I'm going to the food court. $1.1 for a wave, 10 for shaking hands and $100 for a hug. Obviously, I can wave at a lot of people.

But they have to wave back. They have. Oh, they have to reciprocate. Not just make the eye. Oh, then that one's out. Because I think if I were to go and just randomly start waving at a bunch of people, you'll get. a few of them to wave back, but one handshake is 10 people.

A hug is almost, this is the most dangerous, but almost automatically reciprocal. Yes. Your hugging is half the battle. I would go with, like, the price disparity is too large. You just go out, you hold the free hugs. Free hugs. You do the free hug sign. Yes.

And, I mean, you're going to be. You could be absolutely loaded. I mean, you could give away something for the hug. You could say $5. Do you have to disclose that you're going to make $100? No, of course not. I mean, if I was saying I will pay you $5 for a hug, would I get more hugs or less hugs than if I just said free hug?

It's almost weirder. That's what I'm saying. I feel like I don't want to be paid to hug. I'll give you a hug for free, but a paid hug. You'll give you $5 to hug me? That would be a problem. No, you're 100% right. If I saw that, if I saw a,

A little stand. And then there's a free hugs guy right there. I'll take the free hugs. I don't want your $5. I'm going to feel bad about this hug. I don't want to be the guy that gets paid to hug. But what if it was a balloon? Give me a hug.

You get a balloon or something. You know what I mean? It's got to be the hugs. $100. It has to be the hug. A hug. Yeah. Isn't there like $10 for every handshake?

Wouldn't you go to like a bunch of business events? Oh, that's a nice hack. Everyone's shaking hands with. to everyone there. Still, you got to get 10 for every, you think I can't get hugs at a business convention? For sure, can. People, people, people will hug back. If you go at a business convention, yeah, and you fully, you signal. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, creed, arms wide open. Just like the, you're getting a hug. Just like the big, you know, the big, like, what's up, my man, high fives. This is only for the video watches. What? Okay. Okay.

what is happening and he's been fighting a sneeze since the show's Oh my gosh And he was like He's like producers Someone give me a Kleenex And he's trying to do it off camera

He said a Kleenex And a camera change And then And then they went right from me talking Into the full three shot Oh my gosh Josh Is this Papa Josh again? Yeah

No my gosh this is like No no no no no I'm gonna defend this one Because Mike was done and I cannot leave the camera on. You gotta go to Jason's solo cam, bro. The next man up was talking. Oh my.

I can tell you from seven years of other people doing the cameras, this has never happened one time. You just go to another solo cam. That was amazing. You just literally said it'd be better to show someone blowing their nose on a camera. Andy's face when he's, when you find the moment of Andy's seeing him on the mind. I have to see him on the.

monitor. He's like, what? Displeased. Here's what's crazy is this just happened. Something just like this happened. Yes. We had to edit the show because Josh was a dummy. And it just happened. Like this was a week or two ago. I still didn't get to blow my nose. You go take a go to Jason's camp. Anyway, so speaking of, quick, get it.

Go! He's blowing the nose. Show up. Ruin him. Oh my God. goodness. All right. You get that on a microphone? I went right into the microphone. Yeah. Yeah, we got that. All right. What's the next question? Yeah, we got to take the $100. All right. Scott from the website, would you rather speak with a high level of intelligence but have below average comprehension skills? Speak with, okay. Or below average speaking intelligence, but a high intelligent, Comprehensive.

What the? I don't like this question. But highly intelligent comprehension skills. Yeah. You just don't like. I still don't like it. You don't like reading it or because the question's good. Do you want to be really smart but sound dumb?

But sound dumb. Or be really eloquent, but you actually don't know what you're talking about. It's very interesting because. Does my listener, does the listener understand this about me? They understand that you are speaking with a hundred. is not the same thing as like, describe these to me because I'm confused by the comprehension one. Okay.

You're saying I don't receive information from somebody else well, but when I speak, it doesn't mean I don't know anything. If I'm speaking intelligently, then I clearly do know something. Yeah, you'll have, I just can't receive. You'll be BSing a lot.

So I need a situation where I just talk and can leave. Let's give speeches. Yeah, that would do it. You'd be a nice speech giver. Now, on the other side, you're not able to get things out. out well, but you have a really good understanding of what's going on. Right?

So I feel like that's like the Elon Musk. Like very smart, but can't talk. Exactly. So, man, that would be really tough because everything in your world would be better if you have better comprehension skills. But people think you dumb. You know what I mean? Like people are going to assume you are dumb.

It takes a lot to convince someone with dumb. words that you are smart. Josh has still never been able to do it. Right. So, I don't know, man. Which one gives you the camera changing ability? Hmm, having comprehension skills. Okay. It doesn't take talking.

So you, so Josh could talk well. No, he would in this case be the one if, oh, I see what you're saying. Currently. Yes, very eloquent. Okay. Just making sure. Josh Josh is still in the chat going on

He's trying to blame me Like I was supposed to just keep talking And making like I was done But apparently I was supposed to keep talking So that Andy could blow his nose At the bottom of the list Of all the things that you could ever do In the history of the world

The one where you show the guy blowing his nose Is at the bottom of the list Under any circumstance It'd be better if Mike would Go to Mike's camera Go to Mike's camera Now don't talk Mike Better

That's fine That's fine camera. And now here's what's crazy. Don't talk, Jay. He went to your camera. He didn't even go to the right camera. Don't talk. Okay. Better. But here's the thing. I was actually talking when he could have just gone to me. So then it's the best of just nothing. No one would have known anything. Somehow it's my fault. That's what he's posting. There's a new rule. If you need someone to cover for somebody else, I want you to go to the deucer cam. That's the cover. Oh, I like. Go to the. Go to the.

a deuce or kin and you sit there. Hey Josh. I like you just start talking. Just start. I'm giving 10 seconds right now. Just start talking. You might be done, but someone will then get mad that you didn't keep talking. Do you feel like you know anybody in your life that has the either of these two categories? No, I think it's difficult to have. I think it's difficult to have this be true for most people, right? because if you have highly intelligent comprehension skills, you're usually able to communicate pretty well.

I mean, that's not universally true. How would you ever know that somebody has good comprehension? It happens. If they can't speak well, how would you know it, though? I feel like I definitely have moments where I know how something works. I fully understand it and it's like, I can't find the right words to explain it, but I know how it works. And I am the opposite because I can explain anything.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. I have never heard of this product, but I can tell you all about it. That is true. All right. So I guess I'll take that one. I'll take one of them. Yeah. I don't know.

I'll take blow my nose off camera for 200, please. Yeah, we're moving on. That's a great question. Javier from Patreon. Great question for us. If every person on Earth had to carry a scoreboard, displaying one personal stat, what stat would you want to see knowing that your stat would also be publicly displayed as well?

So everyone's the same? The same stat? Correct. Okay. All right. Hmm. Would we have another bad camera swap? What is happening today?

No. He had the one before. He's just thinking he's holding his up. Oh, oh, yes, yes. Two. Yeah, that one would work. I'm at zero right now. I'm at zero.

Yeah. What's that? This is a weird question. Farts per day. Oh, baby. You want to see the far? I will have a crown on my head from 5 a.m. to 6 a.m. Guys, from 5 to 6 a.m.

There could be a camera that turns on just audio for one hour. That's my farting hour. What in the world? Holy moly. In the bed? In the bed. With the wife next to you. Oh yeah, I'm telling you I save them up all night.

What happens is I think I sleep on my back for most of the night. And then around five in the morning, roll to my left. There's no explanation for a farting hour. Dude, it's a, it is no. The explanation is you have a medical condition. It is the realest, most true thing you've. What do you mean?

You save them up. Your body cannot fart in the middle of the night. I think not when I'm on my back. It doesn't be like it blocks. What? You like a turtle? I'm telling you when I, when I roll to my left at 5 a.m.

The winds pick up. So you can start it. You can start it when you. you want. When you wake up, do you go, and we begin? And then you turn? I'm telling you guys, this isn't a joke. This isn't a bit from 5 to 6 a.m. 100. could it be massive farts? Or is 5 a.m. have something to do with it. It's the left, it's laying on my left side. I just don't do it till the morning. And then when I do it in the morning, it's like, what he doesn't. Thank God, I've got so much in me. What he doesn't tell you is every 4 a.m. he drives to Taco Bell.

Um, that, are they stinky? No, no, no. This is just pure night, night farts. This is just pure wind. Massive and sometimes like night terrors, night sweats. Night farts. Night farts. I mean, we just, uh, you know, it's 318 episodes in, but Jason does not burp.

That is. So his biology is store it and release it in the farting hour apparently. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's something I've thought about trying to get a timed. microphone of because I'm telling you guys. I'm not interested in that substack. You are. And you might think you're not, but you have no idea what kind of power I'm talking about here. It's that amazing. Could you create every other day it makes me laugh. Every other day I can't believe it. Do you feel better after? It's incredible. So wait, are you, are you cracking yourself up? Yeah.

It's just like, I mean, one that just. Is she immune to it the wife? Is it just like, she sleeps her? She tunes it out? She doesn't even know. Even when you, are you, That's what makes it real funny to me. That it's just you. Like, I've wanted to hear. No. Have you thought about doing the full road?

What if you do full rotation onto your belly? What happens if you, I don't know, man. I got up on my knees. Like your right side. My right side doesn't work. No. Oh my gosh.

There's left side only. This is just too. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Left side is the, is the, that's where you're supposed to sleep for for stomach stuff, right? I think so. I believe, and I'm not sure there's something in the back of my head. This was from like two years ago.

But Papa Josh, I believe told me. Okay, he's nodding, yes. He was the one that told me, I think I was having a stomach problem or something. He said, lay on my left side. Sleeping on your left side may help with digestion and reduce heartwork. Oh, it does. Oh, it finishes all the digestion, brother. This is so disturbing.

Guys, this is what the show is here for us. You wake up and you are like freaking a balloon? Yeah, at five, but not at six. Not at six. At six, I am a reason. Does the blanket eventually take off like a hot air balloon? Well, it just depends on if I'm going for a Dutch oven or not, which, so a lot of times I'll do the one leg over the covers. Okay.

And then I'm just blowing it out. I don't know any of the stuff. I'm just, you know, blowing it to the back door. I want to know nothing. Dude. Yeah, you're not going to. I got to record some of these. I just, I wish I had no comprehension.

I'm so impressive with these farts. Well, we're going to need some proof. I agree. Man. Man. So, look, Jeremy, see if you can find. My farts. Google it. See if you can find like an audio recording device that can turn on at a like, like that I could turn on for an hour of five.

You just need one of those sleeping. Yeah. Or they have the apps that tell you if you snore in the middle of the night. And they use your phone's microphone. Okay. Well, see if you can find one for farting or whatever. You snore a lot at 5 a.m. I want to see if I'm right about this because I'm telling you these are facts.

Coming back to the question, which is the scoreboard displaying the personal stats, that one's a good one because no matter what the number is, it's funny for everybody. Is there one that's like an embarrassing stat, but you are low in it? Like there's just something you don't do that other people do. That's embarrassing for them? That's embarrassing for them. Is there anything in that category? like what if it was just like the amount of times you watched Gilmore girls or you

is there some like thing that you're that we're high in that we're low in oh that we're low in I'm just saying like if you're putting a stat out there that you'd like to know from somebody else that could be embarrassing I are you safe for amount of wipes today okay think about we're back to the bottom amount of wipes because I would be zero every day because of the bidet of the bidet. Not because you don't wipe. Right. Yeah, pat,

pat dry. But, like, what if you're walking around? And we're back. What if you're walking around and someone's got... 5 to 6 a. But what if you're walking around, someone's got, like, 48? Because you know, it's like,

oh, man, I just, free hugs. I'm so sorry. You just give them money. You're like, I'm sorry. Oh. I'm going to say, uh, curse words could be pretty funny. Yeah.

Because, like, you're like, Dad! Oh, yeah, you come home and you got a three. Dad, you got a five burger? What? What happened? Or the sun. Yeah, or your kids.

Comes home from school. 12. What are you doing? You potty mouth. Wow. That would be good. Anything back there you guys can think of, Al. You got anything on your mind?

Nothing on my mind. The most shameful one that would be best for America would just be calories. Oh, just a calorie count? Just a calorie counter and everybody's calories show. Oh, you're going to the doctor and you're like, I don't know, Doc. I just, I always eat healthy. You're at 10,000. Yeah.

All right. Matt from the website, great question for us. If all animals had to be assigned human jobs based on their personalities, which animal would make the best CEO? See, that's interesting. Certain animals seem smarter than other ones, even when they're not. Yeah, a giraffe. Because of stature? Yes, it stands tall and proud.

It's, you know, it's very heady way up there. That feels to me As a good CEO Yeah, like I think a lion would be a good CEO though Oh well for sure But that's the The question is a lion really a good

Leader Yeah, what do they do? What's the most organized animal? Is that like a beaver building a dam? I did think of that one of like They just instinctually know They're like there's some water coming through here Not on my watch

That's the worker. That's not the CEO. You want the beaver working hard for you. But they have the vision. That's the blue. blue collar. But they know. They know what needs to be done. See, the lion. And a great CEO is someone who experienced. Is there any delegating animals, though? A lion. A lion has to go out and do his killing. It's like, ladies, go, go get me some meat. I'm busy growing my main.

Lions got the gig, man. They're probably outside of bears, they are the strongest, most powerful animal. And they don't have to do anything. Well, other than other male lions. True. You're going to have to fight them off a lot. I mean, ants are all organized, but there's no leader. They just work as a group. Oh, a queen bee? Ooh, okay, now we're talking.

I mean, that does seem naturally. That works. But that's not an animal. It's more of a monarch situation. It's a flying monster. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to think if there's anything else. I think the queen bee is a good answer. Oh, boy.

Austin wants to know. Austin from Austin from X's, would you consider a pop tart a type of ravioli? No. No. A type of ravioli.

Because it's not pasta. Yeah, a ravioli has to be pasta. Yeah, it's stuffed pasta. It has to be noodles. Stuffed. Yeah. Some kind of pasta.

So define what a ravioli is to me. A ravioli is any kind of stuffed pasta. That's, That is fully enclosed. Yeah. So if it's fully enclosed, if the pasta shell is crimped on all sides, folded in on itself, rolled over, whatever. Is that the-crimped?

Crimped like a Pop-Tart. Is that the-Tart? Oh. Is that the way you make- With stuff inside of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're close. Like a Pop-Tart.

We're pretty close. But when you make Ravioli, I'm assuming you put the filling in and then you put more noodle on top and then you crimp it closed? You usually have. You don't inject, right? No, you don't inject. So you inject a Pop-Tart, though, right? I don't know.

Is that an injection? I don't know how a Pop-Tart is made. Does anyone know? Looking into it. Yeah. Google that for us. What is it just too? Because I mean, it's a pastry.

And I wouldn't call a pastry of exact ravioli. I feel like they're injected. I choose to believe that. I do not believe they're injected. They are not injected. I'm watching a video. You got the one flat piece and they spread it and then clamp it shut. Yep.

That's just not as cool. No, it's definitely not as cool, but there's not enough stuff. You would have the site. You'd have the site of the injection. Yeah, and there's not enough stuff inside to inject. You inject the jelly donut. That a pop tart has way too much edge. And way not enough stuff inside.

Right. How have they not made edgeless pop tarts? Now we're talking. Now that is incredible. I do believe it might exist. But what I'm curious about is why haven't they made a double-sided pop-tarts? You can keep the outside. But like frosting on both sides?

Frosting on the bottom and the top. This is what I'm saying. Then maybe it would be more. That would be just better. It could be shaped like a ravioli and I think we're all in. But what side do you laid on then? For the toasting? No, once you get it out.

You just lay it on either side. Comes with a tripod. The frosting is. Comes with an easel, Mike. A very specific pop-tart holder. Because if it's frosting on both sides, I liked where you were going until I thought of just the practicality of it. The practicality.

There's no. No problem. Do this. You mean wax paper. No, take a Pop-Tart and go ahead and do something crazy. Put it frosting side down on your plate. No, I'm not a monster. It won't be fine.

Because the frosting never gets... No, the frosting is hard as it's a shell. Right. I don't feel like Pot-Tard. It's like saying you can't put a Skittle down because both sides of the Skiddle are... Okay, all right. That's pretty strong. You're talking about the little teeny candy ravioli's?

Yes. I know what you're talking about. Little candy ravioli, skittles. Oh, my gosh. Taste the Italian. I feel like I can't understand why Pop-Tarts hasn't taken a more Oreo approach to their product. They try. They've got a lot of flavors.

Do they? Yeah. All right. Like Italian? Is that one of the flavors? All right. Jesse from the website, if all doors in the world suddenly disappeared for one hour, what would be the biggest consequence?

I didn't hear you. Airplanes. Oh, man. You have all doors in the world disappeared for one hour. Death. What would be the biggest consequence? It has to be airplane, right? I mean, what else would be worse?

Okay, airplane door is gone. So are the people. You're sucked out. I mean, if there's no door for the whole time, you'll be fine. Correct. Because it's the pressure. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's how that works.

I mean, they used to, they still do people flying planes that have no cover. It's just the fact that they pressurize it. It's so loud. And so cold. Yes. So, I mean, what other doors really matter here on the concert? I mean, all the car doors disappearings funny. That'd be a funny picture on the freeway.

Trapped doors would suck. Oh, they'd be so, not needed. And if you happen to be standing on one. Sorry. Bank vaults. Al, throwing that out there? Yeah, very nice. I mean, there's still a few steps between me and that door.

Oh, yeah, the prisons. All of them illegal. All the prisons. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if they made bank vaults wide open, they, you know, I would not rob it. I would not. That's not the one thing holding me back. If only that door wasn't there, I'd be rich.

It's the only thing standing between me. I don't know the combination. But the prison cells, if all the doors in every prisoner in the entire country, could that be worse for society than all the planes in the air? No, I don't, I don't think so. It's for one hour. I mean, that's enough time to get out. Well, again, that's not the only thing stopping.

How long does it take you to trust that the doors are not coming back? Right. Yeah, those doors might be open. About three minutes, five minutes? And you just stay in yourself because you're like, I'm not supposed to go out right now. You hear one guy going, hey, the main door is open. Okay, but here's the thing. Five minutes.

Maybe this is different. Maybe this isn't how it is in real life the way it is in movies and certainly movies about prisons in the 1950s. But I feel like there is a guard tower with a rifle and a big outer ring on these prisons with like, you know, barbed wire fences. Now that door to the fence is, yeah, that's open. But y'all got to make it there. And the rifle sniper. The rifle sniper's not getting enough people. But he's getting, he's not getting zero. You know what I mean?

But he's like the group. I think we would, if I were in, that's what I would do. You would go with the group and run? Yeah. It's a full on prison break. Let's get out of here. Yeah, military bases and vaults and, you know, nuclear plants and doors being open. I, you know, I feel like the planes and the prisons are the biggest ones.

Yeah, I agree. All right, we'll take another break and then we'll draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting the most satisfying sound. Which I'm actually really upset I don't have the first pick in this. Really? Yeah, because I feel like

a draft like this, there are some sounds that are the best. I feel like there's some sounds though that like the 101 here. I have a few that I believe should be the top pick. Yeah, worthy of just as good in the same tier. Yes. All right, Mike. So what are you going with the first pick? Most satisfying sounds.

I'm going to go with. We're going to go with. rain. Yeah. It would have been mine. It would have been my first pick. I wonder if we are. When it's not a torrential downpour, of course.

But when it's a nice, just pitter, patter on the roof. I'll take it all. I put rain drops because it's, you know. To be able to hear the drop. Here the drops, not a storm, but like to hear the drops. It's nice. But I know where you're going. I was just curious if we have a different perspective on rain than other parts of the country.

Like, for us, it's very special. If you live in Seattle, do you live in Seattle? Do you hate the sound of rain? Right. Because you're used to it, it's depressing, and it means you can't go outside. For us in Arizona, where it rarely rains. We dance in it. Oh, rain is.

But I love, I mean, part of it is because the sound of rain and it comes with, like, the smell of rain. All of it. It's all clean. Rain would have been my pick as well. Our nasty, dirty, polluted, dust air gets cleaned out for a year or two. Did you like, so we had those huge windstorms over the weekend. Did you guys look at the sky yesterday? Holy crap.

blue. Oh, yeah. It was so clean there for a day. Look, I would like more rain. I don't know what I have to do. I think you got to move. Can we do some of that, um, seating of the sky? We can. Can we seat it? I don't know if we have the clouds that it'll work on. Oh, you need clouds. Yeah. Remember that if you go back to like episode five, cloud machines have not been invented. Oh my gosh, going way back inside. Jason, you are on the clock with the second pick. Rain off the table in our most satisfying This is a very satisfying classic sound. It's the first thing that came to mind when you're just thinking of what's like a satisfying sound and it's the crack of a can. You know what I mean? Like a soda beer, just a beverage. Crack of a beverage. It's a great. It's on my list. I love it. It's I don't know

if it's been indoctrinated to us through commercials where we've seen it so much with glorified vision. But it's like, that was the first, I mean, that sound is awesome. Yes. It's like, I'm thirsty now. Because there's so much width. It's like, yeah, you're quenching your thirst. You're going to, you're like, I got a crispy beer. I got a fresh sweet soda.

Okay. All right. It's a good sound. It's a satisfying sound. Can you botch it? I don't think so because even if you do the, like, you know, you definitely can. You can. You can.

You can over. pre-open it and then you get to the point where the tab is actually getting pushed down and it's all quiet. So a little bit of execution issues. Yeah, you got to grip and rip it. Okay, I'll get my number. I'll get my number two and three options here on the turn. So my first pick, I will go with a crackling fire. That was the nub in my next big.

I was between Kahn and rain, the soda and the crackling fire. So I will go crackling fire. That is just the best ambiance. And then I will go with, I didn't get rain, but I'll go with the soothing, redundant ocean waves.

Okay. The ocean waves is very high on my list. Just crashing on the shore. They can't, they can be too loud. Too loud. Yeah, waves can definitely be too loud.

But if they are, I don't think I've ever been around waves that were too loud. Oh. I'm not saying that there's not, you know. I've slept near the beach and you leave the windows down

and it's just, it puts you to bed. Yeah. No, I didn't have it on my list, which is crazy. That's a great sound. All right. You have a lot of nature here. Yeah.

Yeah, because nature is great. Yeah. Do I want to go? We do not have a lot of crackling fires, ocean waves, or rain in Arizona. So maybe it's nature you yearn for. Maybe. Or in your case, a can of Coke. Man, all right.

I'm going to stick with it because I think this is the last one that is of nature. Okay. But I'm going with wind rustling through trees. You know when you're out in the woods, just that windy tree movements? I mean, that means ghosts are by. For sure. When you said you're sticking with nature, I go, oh, you know what? I hadn't put on my list was wind.

And then you picked it. It's nice. The wind in the trees, very nice. Mike, you have two picks. I thought you were going to go with this one. So I'm going to go with birdies. Oh, that's the other nature one on my list. I have specifically birds chirping at sunrise.

Oh, man. bird song. In Arizona, I'm sure it's similar for other places, but we have some birds where it's just the song is incredible. And then we got these like these bigger blackbirds and they, they ruin it? Oh, man. They're like,

it's not a crow though. It's this weird. They're just there to ruin it. Yeah. Honk. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.

It's an awful sound. That would be a great gag for one of those sound machines for kids where you can rotate through, you know, waves and wind. And then there's birds, but they just have the worst birds in there. Speaking of birds and bird noises, I think this is a show all about education. Yeah. All about enlightening America and the world at large. And it came to our attention recently.

I don't know if we brought this up on this show. Mike, you educated us around the studio that a bald eagle. Oh, yes. The amazing bald eagle that sounds... You mean the one that obviously sounds like... Yeah, this thing's awesome. Sounds like freedom. This thing's coming to rip your face off.

Doesn't sound like that at all in real life despite watching commercials and movies where a bald eagle does that. Jeremy, are you able, would you be able to get the sound of an actual bald eagle and play it or not? No. Not on the fly. Oh, man. Well, look it up. Everyone look it up. It's awful.

It's stupid. It's not what you think of. What a weak little puny fart bird. Like if that became the CEO animal. And then tried to give its first speech. Everyone would leave. I can get it ready before. You guys keep drafted.

I'll have it ready before the end of the episode. Mike, you have rain and birds chirping, but you got one more. So I got one more. So this one could be just me. So whatever. But this is a sound that I have always loved. Jason's morning farts. I have 5 a.m.

You're welcome. Small, walking in small gravel. Like, so when you're walking in rocks. Interesting. No, I said, I know that you guys aren't going to, you'll think about it next time. I'm not talking about walking in the big landscape rock,

but like when it's been, when it's been cut down and it's more fine, that little. Like a Japanese garden? Yes. Like that little crunch sound is perfection. Okay. Okay.

All right. All right. Not on. Anyone else's list? Yeah, I said. Hey, satisfying to you. I'm just surprised, like, the crunch of snow. You know what I mean?

No, the crunch of snow is fine. It's not as good as the small gravel, though. All right. Because the crunch of snow, like, ends up, you like, you know, like, you know, like, you get a weird musical tone in there, too. All right, Jason, you were back on the clock. Wind in the trees, opening soda can, and what else? Hmm, a satisfying sound.

Man. So I'm realizing how old we are. Because all of our satisfying sounds are like so boring. I mean, it is... Give me loud, rock and roll music. Right. Because I'm so young. Satisfying inherently is meant to be like... Peaceful.

Yeah, like, it's not the best sounds. You're listening to a lot. And I'm going to stick with the theme of our boring old man sounds. And I'm going to say the crackling, not of a fireplace. but of a vinyl record player before it starts. It's on my list. Dang, I mean,

you want to talk satisfying. As soon as you put that, yeah, as soon as you put that little needle down and it starts. I did not have that and that's a great pick. Who, that is satisfying. Like,

I've got one on my list. It's at the top of my list that I'm not going to draft because I love the sound. It's not satisfying. No, that's an amazing pick. That was a steal in the third round. My last two picks,

I will go away from. from the ocean waves and the wind and the trees and those things. I'll go to the pour of coffee into a into a mug. I can hear it.

I can hear it. Into a mug. And then for my last one, I'm actually going to go now I'm thinking of pivoting. I'll go the the sizzle of bacon. Oh.

Or rain. Very similar you're saying. They use that in sound effects. Do they really? Yeah. They use the sizzle of. of bacon as a rain sound effect. For sound replacing. No wonder

I like that sound. I have the sizzle of a steak on mine. Different sound, but I mean, that's Okay. Hungry thinking about the sound. I'm back up, huh? All right. None of this boring, old man, easy, peasy. You want to know what's satisfying? What's that? The sound of a slot machine jackpot.

You know what I'm saying? Ching, ching, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink. Don't you stop, chik, chik, chik. That satisfies. Yes, sir. Oh, baby. It does. Oh, yeah.

You hear that. What's the other sound you hear more often? On the slot machine. Yeah, basically. I think it's the tears of. She left me. All right, Mike. You have your final pick.

Most satisfying sounds. So I will, because it's a similar vein, I'm going to pivot away from. but I have poker chips on. Even like when you're shuffling the chips. When you're just playing with your stack there at the table, that's a very good sound. But I'm going to go with a high quality car door.

Oh, so it's quiet. No, when you close the door and it gets. Wait, the satisfying like lock sound? No, just closing the door. If it's firm thud. If it's so well built and it gives you that. Really? No, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Thank you. When you have a real good one. It's not loud. Does it have to be like a 50s? No, no. You're talking modern day. A luxury. A luxury car.

That is just that. Solid. It means solid. It's built solid. You know that when I drive this, I'm not going to hear any road noise, nothing outside, but that close. Yeah. Oh, that's great.

All right. So rain, birds chirping, walking on small gravel and closing a high quality car door on Mike's picks. Jason, with cracking open a can. wind in the trees, a vinyl record, putting a vinyl record on and a slot machine jackpot. And I went with crackling fire, ocean waves, coffee pouring, and the sizzle of bacon. Oh, hold on. We got the, and, oh, we have an eagle.

What wasn't drafted was. We just went to an eagle for some reason. Hold on a second. Let's say I'm about to blow my nose. That's better than showing me blow my nose. That eagle. Okay, it looks like it's making sound. Are we, are we, oh, oh, that's awful.

That's not a, that is a bald eagle. That's a bald eagle. That's awful. That's the, that's the sound of strength and freedom. Man, out of here. That's, I mean, it's a cool looking bird, but you got to up that. Honorable mentions, thunder, rustling leaves, a waterfall. I had a match strike.

Jason, you'd like the shoe squeaks on a gym floor. Oh, yeah, I do like that. I have a knife scrape on like a fresh loaf of bread. Okay. Interesting. All right. I had, so baby laughing, great sounds. Yeah.

Not satisfying. I've got the exhale after a soda drink. You like the, ah. Yeah, heck yeah. A perfect swish. That's the sound of being satisfied. Oh, yeah, there you go. The switch.

A perfect swish. I don't golf, but a golf ball drop in in the cup. That's like the perfect sound. The snap of a jar first being open when you get that safety lid pop. Yep. That's good. And, of course, the bank cash machine counting. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. After I win my jackpot. After I love. What did we learn today? I can't trust him. You learned you can't trust. I can't trust you learned that today. Yes.

Wow. Because I tried. Wow. Let's go to Deucer's Alley. Papa Josh, what did you learn today? I suck at cameras. What is the bird back? Oh.

I think we're done. All right. Just wrap it up. Our final show. Oh, my gosh. Well, thanks for joining us. Tell your friends about the spitballers. We'll be back with a new episode.

Next Monday, take care. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.