Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Charity Pirates & Things That Are Heavy - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

On today’s episode, we talk duels, Jason learns the difference between a Ninja and a Samurai and we get deep into pirate lore before wrapping things up with a Things That Are Heavy Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A squeamity squab, baby-de-b-b-babab-d-d-d-doo-a-do. I feel like that was a... Really organic. We are...

Nothing premeditated about that. We are against the buzzer. Yeah, we had to get the show on the road. You got to get it recorded. So you got what you got. No takesie back. I liked it. Welcome in to the spitballers,

Andy Mike and Jason back with you. Excited to spend some time talking about really important stuff. Like we always do. Every week. Things on this show will get a little heavy today. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah. We're here, baby.

Yeah, yeah, you'll get that amazing joke shortly. We're doing some, would you rather, some what's the difference in a special draft where Mike gets the first pick. Things that are heavy. Yes, indeed. Things that are. It's a very serious show today. Heavy, very serious, yes. That would be a funny twist on that draft.

Oh, wait, what's your list? Oh, no. My list is really. My are things that are heavy. Your 101 is like the passing of a relative. Seriously heavy. Exactly. That's very heavy.

At Spittballerspod on X. If you want to follow us over there, spitballerspot.com, make sure you send us your ideas for the show. We're always happy to receive those, especially draft ideas would be great. Let's kick it off. Would you rather? Carson from the website. Right. Would you rather have a 2% chance of pooping when you fart? Okay, Carson. Well, that's a pretty hype too. Okay, Carson. Or have an 80% chance of throwing up when you get hiccups.

Oh, man, see, this is. It now, this is, and 2% means I'm wearing depends all the time. I mean, that is a, or I'm not farting. 2% means I poop my pants every day. Well, you. That's 50 farts. And you're, you're saying 50 is a, no, it's all an independent. It's only 2% per. I get it. I get it. I get it. On average, he poops every day. I don't think you are. Man, do you understand how low 2% is?

That's one in every 50 farts. Yeah, but I know what Mike is saying is each time is independently a new 2%. You're right. On average. Obviously, it's not going like 49, 48%. Yeah, it's not a countdown. But that percentage still means on average. Yes, on average.

And how many times the day do you fart? More than 50? Yeah. More than 50? Look, for that percentage. to be true every day. More than 50. Come on. Well, let me ask you this. Some days you might poop your pants twice. Some days you won't poop at all. If you're trying to do the thing where maybe you like jiggle and you go, but nobody does that. I do that all the time,

like a run where every step you hit. Yeah, but you can do it in place. Imagine you're almost twerking and you, but you got a big one and you're just chopping it in pieces. Does that count as one fart or does that count as ten farts? Because I do that a lot. I need to know what the jiggle is though like you jiggle your body yeah it helps the motion helps like just imagine doing toe ups like like you know how you're doing on the way down when your heels hit the ground why are we doing this so that you can go okay for comedic effect yes by yourself okay sometimes preferably with family but i don't i know not every like you got to perfect your technique you can't practice in front of me and yes everyone of those individuals

It's independent sounds counts as a fart. It does. So if you decide the comedic is worth the ten farts. Now, but hiccups, is it every hiccup, or is it every bout of hiccups? Every bout, which I don't get hiccups very often. What was the rate? 80%. So, oh, so the majority of time that you get the hiccups, you're going to grab a bag or a bowl.

Out of every five times, you're going to puke. And I hate, hate throwing up. It's pretty bad. It is the one. it's the one illness where it's like if I know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody that has the stomach flu

at that exact moment I don't want anything to do with you even if you're like four people removed from it because I don't throw up well other people throw up well I don't wait hold on what does that mean

what does it mean do you want me to get I want you get gritty no no no no no no what does it mean it means that it's not as easy for me it comes out of more orifices than some people.

So this is, this is always going through the nasal cavity. This is a nostril always. I've never thrown up in my life without a nostril throw up. I have never in my life done that. See,

I would not, when I hear that, because I, to my knowledge, my experience growing up. So you're just like a triceratopsis? Just blasting out? Oh,

the three, you just got a three-pronged approach. It's still majority, the majority is still the, the mal. Yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying like, and then there's burning involved.

I mean, this is disgusting, but this is, my experience in life was this is how everybody throws up. And then I got old enough to ask people, and they, and I'm seeing people back there, and Ducers Allie, they shake their head. That is not how everybody throws out. No, I know. And I think to myself, this would be amazing. Like, people throw up sometimes and it's not a big deal.

Well, it's still a big deal, but. But to me, that is like, I don't clear my sinuses at the same time. Oh, my gosh, it's the worst. It's so gross. It's grossing me out talking about it. All right. But, well, apparently Al's never even heard of that. I know it

I've heard of it for like a comedic effect I've heard some people say like it do it on purpose Like it occasionally happens Yeah like in a movie or something like that Well yeah People like the milk

The milk comes out the nose Exactly you're overplaying how bad it could be But it's funny because It doesn't actually happen But how hilarious would it be If it did And apparently that is what it happens to handy I've definitely laughed

And had something come out my nose It's like that It's like that just replaced the liquid with acid with bile with stomach acid but anyway all that to say man if you're still listening is that i can't do the throw this is car i'll do the poop one now if you were a two percent chance would you actually change your underwear situation i would change my farting situation for sure i'm the only fart when i have to really like all of us out here that fart we are just doing that as our body tells us yeah you act like you're a man that's

opting into hundreds and hundreds of farts a day. If I only farted whenever I could fart, I wouldn't stop farting. Yeah, it's all choice. This is the grossest first, however me, for seven minutes here. I think I'm still going to take the fart, though. The AI overlords say on average is 14 to 25 times per day. That is, that seems very high. By the time I wake up in the morning,

at 14. You don't, you're telling me that. I'm not counting passive asleep things that you, unless it wakes you up. If I fart my sleep, it's not a fart. No. It's like a tree in the forest. That's the, that's this day and age is true philosophical question. If you fart while sleeping and it doesn't wake you up, did you actually fart?

I guess not. I say no. Roughly one in five people experience vomiting through the nose. I've had to know how alone I was. was um but papa josh said he yes so okay that's gross look um yeah i my my question stands though i'm taking the are you i'm taking the two percent if you're doing the two percent though are you actually on a daily basis you have to wear something nah two percent you act like it's not going to happen it will happen to you i think you don't have to wear something i think

you have to bring a change you know what i mean like in my in my truck this is a full poop this isn't like a little poop you're pooping your It's 2% I'll roll them dice Okay Yeah I'm going 2% And neither of you are changing I'd be wearing something

Nah I'll bring a change of clothes I'll stash some on these around Or do you have to do all your farting over a toilet Yeah there's ways around it And how great how happy would you be Oh man That would be incredible Boom

Now I'm gonna took care of that Yeah two for one we introduced the show Carson, this is your fault This is Carson's fault And we said we talk about heavy issues And we were right Pooping your pants

Pretty heavy Oh my gosh Jimmy from Patreon Would you rather have a one half mile walk to your office Or an hour drive But have your own driver Oh So that's a good question

Because An hour's a long time To have to commute How long if you're walking at a normal pace, not brisk. Half mile is... Oh, I can tell you, it's 10 minutes. 10 minutes. 10?

10 to 12. I walk two laps around this building. Every day, it's 10 minutes on the dots, half a mile. I promise you. If I put the 2.5 on the treadmill, it says 24 minutes for a mile, so that's 12 if you're walking at that pace, and Jason walks a little faster than that. 10-minute walk? I mean, there's going to be brutal days in Arizona when, you know, it's 1-10 out.

10-minute walk, you're saving 50 minutes. I mean, how do you not? that. Well, but are you saving 50 minutes when, like, obviously You're thinking you're productive in the car? Exactly. You can do other stuff when you have a chauffeur. You can be on your laptop. You can be on your phone. You can read a book. I can be asleep is what I can sleep. Sure, you can

gain 50 minutes. You do increase. I mean, you can't get into, I mean, you could get in a car accident. You could get hit by a car on your walk. Not where I'm walking. By that. But also, it's not 50. I mean, you also have to go home. walking is good for you and you save time i'm going walking but you're i mean you'll show up you'll probably be a little sweaty oh no look at the what are those storm clouds oh sorry andy

you're walking in the rain i got an umbrella oh darn that's pretty good that's a pretty good you got umbrella feel like i'd get a poncho i'd go umbrella i'd probably go umbrella too i'd go poncho if i knew i was in a hurricane but i'd go umbrella the rest of the time what is worse rainy day or a hot Arizona hot day. I think a rainy, out here, rainy days are fun. Yeah, either way you need an umbrella. Yes. You're soaked

either way. Yeah. Well, because you yeah, you could use the... Am I in direct sunlight? We don't do it enough. I'm in direct sunlight in the... Oh, the sun umbrella? You brought up, this is a fantastic point. The sun umbrella is so practical, so good at what it does, and yet

because of the dumb society that we live in I am too ashamed to just be walking down the street with an umbrella. People will look and then we're freak. What are you talking about? I'm just trying to stay out of the sun. Do you spin it when you're

You're making my point for me? Are you spinning the umbrella while you walk in the sun there? Of course I'm spinning the umbrella. Are you wearing a sundress? No, I'm just wearing it. I'm just have an umbrella. You need to make umbrellas cooler, is what I'm saying. You can't have this little hook shaped wooden end with a spinny top

like we need like a Batman umbrella it needs to be socially acceptable at all points you have to be whistling well I mean really does Mike it's special you keep doing your shenan changing the world

Arizona or any of these hot places like I went to SeaWorld many years ago and 50 pounds heavier and it was a hot day and I couldn't exist they don't have shade there they don't have a lot of shade there no and so I had to bite I had to bite the bullet. I had to. I couldn't exist.

So I went to one of these gift shops. I found an umbrella. I bought it. And two things happened. I'm guessing it was yellow and blue. It was like a sea world umbrella. And two things happened. One, I couldn't believe it changed everything. I was no longer hot. Yeah. I was in the shade at all times. I felt

due to the umbrella. I felt amazing. It's like a tree you bring with you. Yes. And also I was so ashamed. Yes. I was I might as well been like... I will say this. Every sporting event I've ever gone to for my children,

I have brought zero umbrellas. Any parent I see with an umbrella, I'm like, son of a gun, that's such a good idea. But here's what I was... That's such a good idea. This is what I was going to bring up is when to my son's football games, we always bring umbrellas.

And we just, we cover ourselves. But you know when that umbrella gets set up and torn down, when I sit. I'm not walking through the parking lot. That's getting annihilated by the sun. But all of a sudden, it's now socially acceptable. Once you're sitting and not moving. Once I'm in the bleachers, I can protect my skin and the heat.

But as soon as I start walking back to the car, you're like, well, back to the real world where we're not allowed to do that. You can walk with a closed umbrella fine. Everybody's cool with that. They're like, oh, that guy's going to go sit down. He's prepared. That guy looks cool. But if you open that thing, what if it was super tiny? How much shade do you need?

Do you need like a little bit of a? I think I need a lot of shit. You go bigger? I would like it bigger. Have you seen those beach umbrellas? that they make now that are just a sail with two points so it fills

with air and it just it will turn on a single based on the wind so it can't blow away because it's just literally oh because they're useless on a beach yeah it's like a sock also feels like it only shades part no no no no I'm not understanding

yeah you're not but because our answers for the heat are an umbrella not acceptable no dork Yeah. Yeah, you're a nerd. Or the big, uh, the big hat. The big hats. Yeah. Oh, big hats. Also, not acceptable unless you're at the beach. No, it's acceptable if you're over 50.

Oh, I got to get. The big hats. My dad has been on, I got to get 50. My dad's been on big hat town. I mean, he'll wear that thing anywhere. Yeah. He'll bring that to a wedding. Did he start at 50 or? He might have started, yeah, about 50. I think, I think when you're in your 50s, the umbrella's probably fine because you're, You just, whatever. They, you know. Yeah, you've given up. They don't matter.

You've given up on any looking cool. Right. Yeah. I've just, we got to make it cool. We need, we need some big celebrities to just start always having, uh, there's a lot of things we do. The umbrellas. We would be much more comfortable, but we don't do them.

Yeah. It's so stupid. I mean, I can think of like, if, like, sleeping on a plane, like, I would bring a lot more stuff if I, if I thought it was okay. Oh, man. Do you know what I mean? Like, I got a new device for you. Oh, you have a new sleeping on the plane device?

I have been through, and I got a timeout because my wife was the one who beta tested. I still haven't had a chance, but the reviews were excellent. I have tried every airplane pillow, you know, neck pillow. You even had the one where you look like a creature. Wait, you got the ostrich pillow? He's had the ostrich pill. I did the ostrich. If you've done that, you'll do anything.

I've done the ostrich where you have to put it on the tray and your hands are in, you're laying on it. I've done the one where it, like, it's just the, the, tight thing around your neck so it holds you up but the new one that uh that i got because i want the solution i have to find this because it's just uncomfortable it's a you tie so you know on your headrest how they flap out the flaps come out yeah that they offer that so it ties around that and then you put the eye mask over your face and it holds your yes it holds your face up yeah that would be great and i heard it it worked out sensational you did it no no my wife did it I'm really pumped to get on an airplane long enough to use it.

I tried to strap. I fly next week, so... How far? Pretty far. Okay. You got to look into this, man. Yeah, send me a link, bro. I will do that.

Yeah, I tried to use one of the traditional, like, pillows and... You're just talking about the horseshoe neck pillow? Yeah, the horseshoe neck pillow. One that has a strap. It doesn't do anything. A strap on once? I tried to wrap it around the top of a headrest once to hold my head up like that. That seems like the best way.

I feel like you can't go around the back of the headrest. That's not my real estate. I know. I know. I felt really embarrassed. I'm going into somebody else's area. I felt embarrassed. Yeah. And then I popped open my umbrella in the plane and it was so nice.

Julia from Patreon, would you rather write a cookbook or a novel? For me, man. Our cook books, is there like a tier of them that is like the great American novel, though? Like, do people esteem the greatest cookbook that's ever been made? I don't know. List me your top five cookbooks. Exactly. Joshua Wiseman, one and two. Oh, gosh. Okay, that's two.

I wanted five, though. You're running out of steam. Dolly Parton has a good one. I mean, if you write the best novel, you're known for the history of the universe. So that's the answer. Guys, I'm locked into this thing. I got to help my friend.

I like cooking far more than I like reading and writing. So I want to go to the cookbook. But obviously, if I can just magically wave a wand and I've done a great job at either, the novel. Is that the question? Yeah. I think the spirit of the question was more. Which do you think you would be equipped to do? Okay.

Would you write a better cookbook or a better novel? Okay. Should I put that in that question then. All right. I will go with the novel. The question is literally, would you rather write a cookbook or a novel? Would you rather have one magically written for you and you get credit for? for it. Well, that was Jason. Jason's words, but I did not. Well, you, Julia's words. To me, it was like, I guess I'm, I was going all the way to the end where you've done both of these things, which are you more proud of. But it doesn't have to be that way. I think I would do a better job writing a cookbook. I use them enough and I hate them enough where it's like, I want them done right. I'll write a novel about a guy that is known for making cookbooks. Nice. So it'll be a story about like a famous chef that writes cookbooks. It'll be a.

super boring. That's going to go real well. My cookbook would be just all the nasty quick things that I'll eat. Oh, yeah. That could be the name of it. Nasty quick things that I eat. SpaghettiOs and cottage. Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is two-title.

Yeah. Ham snack. Yeah. That all sounds gross, so that'd be good. They're all very good. One more. Trevor wants to know in your next life. Would you rather be a samurai? Oh, man. A pirate or a cowboy Oh man, that's so easy It is so easy for me

Because I'm assuming I am not I don't get seasick In my next life Sure, and if you're a pirate You're not going to be a sysic Is that what you would want? Yes! You are kind of a pirate

Shocks me. You're a pirate. Pirate is awesome He's got the look. Pirates aren't awesome. Pirates raid people and steal from from them and murder Mike would feel a permission to do all those things as the pirates are bad guys I think all three of these do that samurai do it for honor

yeah samurai will look you in the eye when they kill you one man's honor is another man's terrorist but it's their honor it's my so if I'm the samurai yeah if I'm the pirate that's my booty no you know you know you're bad the pirate you know your bad you're a pirate what if I give 10% away to the poor like a robin pirate yeah that would be better that would be much better but I'm pretty sure Robinhood didn't give 10% is like I'm so famous for stealing from the rich and giving 10% to the board. What percent do I have to get to talk you into me being an honorable pirate, 50, 55.

After expenses. Oh, the ship repairs were through the roof. Yeah, I want to see the audit. I'm sorry, orphanage. This is like the, five gold coins. The charities, you got to look them up and see how much of their money goes to administration. Like, is Blackbeard getting most of the booty? Yeah.

Or is it the poor kids? President Blackbeard of the organization. That's right. Part of the board, the board of directors. We're a non-profit piracy group. Where are you? I'm a cowboy. You know, I'm a cowboy. Although I am playing Ghosts of

Sushima right now on Do you ever play that game before? I have played that game. And it's a samurai game and I never think I like the samurai TV shows or games. And then if I play them, I'm like, so sucked into that All three of these things are cool. Samurai's are very cool.

I'm going Cowboy 1, Samurai 2, Pirate 3. I'm going Samurai 1. I mean, that's the coolest thing. Dude, we can all hang. I mean, we all picked a different one. I'd hide your cash. Because you'll steal it. Yeah.

Dude, a samurai will murder. If you steal it, you better hide that you stole it because I will slice you down. Why would you think you're catching me? Catching you? Yeah. Because you can't even see me coming. I hide in the shadows. you slowly go.

Yeah, you're thinking of ninjas, bro. Dude, they're cousins. Ninjas and samurai are absolute cousins. In our folklore? Wait, are you telling me that a samurai is not a ninja? Do you know what they wear? They literally don't sneak. Their honor

It is not honorable to sneak. To walk up and stay you in the eye. They'll kill themselves if they're dishonored. Yeah. Yeah. I'm super honorable. I was thinking a ninja. Yeah, you were.

And you put ninja. on this list. That's a much harder decision between being a super awesome ninja and pirate. Do ninjas? Oh, gosh, that's so much to wear. Because it's your armor. Oh, gosh. I'm switching.

Are you? Let's go on a boat, baby. Yes. I'm stealing. Half. Well, right. I'll give away. I'm going to give away quite a bit after expense. I was very curious. Once you forced him into giving a lot away and then you

became a pirate, I was curious if the standard was going to keep the after expenses. We're just going to be normal pirates. Yeah. Keep 100. After we, you know, the ship, pay the employees. I mean, you got to store a ship. You also need to reinvest.

You got to repair the ship. You got to reinvest in the business. You know what I mean? A bigger ship. Extra sales. Right. Exactly. We got to get away quicker.

Those don't grow on trees. No. No. Okay. Were there any good pirates in, actually? Because I feel like it's like, that's like saying were there any good robbers. Well, like I said. Like good at being a pirate.

Yeah. Well, it's all about your perspective because the good pirates, wink, wink, would have been called privateers. And that would have been the people that we said, you're allowed to go be a pirate if you go steal from the people that we don't like. Okay. Are you a pirate if you go out dressed up as a pirate and kill pirates? Are you a pirate if you, are you just part of the army or something? A pirates kill pirates. They're still pirates.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's, well, do they? I think a pirate. If a pirate ship runs into a army. another pirate ship. One of them pirates. Yeah, but they're both

out there being pirates. There is a code. There is a pirate code. There is. I think the code says don't kill other pirates. I was unaware. Well, because you're not a pirate.

Well, you thought a ninja was a samurai. What do you know? We're taking a break. We'll be back in a moment. Oh, man. What's the different? between me and you me and you

our first what's the difference question what's the difference between a samurai and a ninja I saw it pop into the show doc and it got me turns out I'm thinking a lot

well here's which one would win in a fight a ninja for sure well what kind of fight a sword fight I feel like this is kind of it's kind of like Marines versus infantry

men type of thing. Like, I feel like the samurai is the cream of the crop. It's the best of the best. It's the, like, the SEALs. That Navy SEALs. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like those win in the air.

Did we just make some Marines real mad? But at the same, but at the same time, the ninja is going. I think the SEALs are the best of the Marines, right? Yeah. No, seals are Navy SEALs. Oh, yeah. Crap, we are getting some hate mail.

Our bad. We are ignorant. The Marines have to have their own, right? Because Army has green berets. Oh, I was going to say it was the green berets. Okay, to be clear, three key differences between, what's the difference between Navy SEALs and Marines? Two different branches of the government. No, seals are not better than Marines.

Yeah. Okay. But seals are better than. Training is different. But seals, like, they're sent out as a small group. Operators versus riflemen. Okay. We're getting away from this thing.

Here's a real question, not the ninja question. which we know Jason would like to be what's the difference between a supervisor and a manager I would imagine the manager always gets paid more that's how I feel they do I feel like managers get paid more than the supervisor I thought a supervisor is above a manager I did not

so Jason which would you Jason's reading about ninjas and samurai no I'm reading about Marines Force Recon Marines Marine Raiders which I don't know man that reminds me a lot of pirates which do you think gets paid more Supervisors or managers? A supervisor or a manager?

A manager definitely is paid more. That's how I've always felt like a supervisor is a step below management. 100%. You're just supervising some stuff. You're not even managing anything. You're not managing anything. You're not managing. You're just supervising.

The manager says, hey, watch them while I go do real important stuff back there. Supervisors just watch. Yeah, supervisors. You supervise. You supervise. You supervise. You supervise. You supervise.

They're managing the situation. So the worker does everything. Uh-huh. The supervisor. Watches. You're doing that. Relays the message from the manager. and then make sure it gets done.

And then the manager is like, hey, supervisor, go watch them clean up? Yeah, yeah. You go watch them clean up. And I got to go manage. I got to go do some real important stuff in that office. They're somewhere else. That's right.

They're in the office. Supervisors are with the workers. Okay. Managers always have to be doing important management stuff in another room. What's the difference between a smack and a slap? Oh, that's a great question To me, a slaps across the face And a smack can be more places

But you No, you can slap that on the butt That's fair That's right, that's true You can definitely You can definitely Slap in different places Which one is harder

If I was gonna slap you Or if I was gonna smack you I feel like a slap is harder Man Can a smack? Are they both open hand? Yeah No matter what? Like a smack can be

Yeah, you can't close fists smack someone. No, that's a, that's a punch. Yeah. I mean, the closest you can get is smack down. If I swung with a close fist sideways, that not in a punch way, isn't that a smack? No. That's still a... That's just a bad punch. It's a punch. Now, would it be sound-related? Because you can slap someone, and depending on how your hand hits their face, it's not a real loud... I don't know. But to smack, it

would make the sound. If you had somebody come up to you and they're like, I'm going to smack you, or I'm going to slap you. Which do you want? When you say it like that, I think I want the slap. I don't think I want the slap, right? Somebody's like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to slap you. Or, oh, I'm going to slap you. Oh, it's the same thing.

Which one do you like of the two, huh? Was this a trick question? I tricked myself. Oh, man. So you'd rather be slapped. You'd rather be slapped. So I think that the way you presented it. I think that a smack is harder.

Does a slap? A slap is not. A slap is. what you do when you don't want to hit someone. A smack is a slap that you're trying to hurt someone. I was going to say, like, what percentage of slaps start a fight compared to a smack? Is that another way to look at it? Like, if you get smacked or slapped, are you fighting back? I think you fight back on a smack. When you take off your glove and hit someone in the face, you have what? You smacked them in the face. You didn't slap them in the face with a glove. You smacked them in the face with a glove.

I think you smacked them. Yeah. And that's 100% enough. Well, because that's 100% fight rate. Yeah, 100% fight rate. That's challenging them to a fight.

Oh my gosh, we should do that. We should have, you don't have to wear a glove all the time. Just have one in your pocket. I've been reading. Just pull it out of your pocket and then hit somebody. I've been reading a book where part of this book is like duels are pretty important. We got to bring that back, man.

In the book? Yeah, in the book. Okay. Dueling is like. You know who got rid of those? Ninjas. Because they were. Won them all?

No, because they didn't honor. They'll honor. Oh, they just snuck up behind them and. Yeah, they realized you don't have to take 10 paces. I thought you were going to say Hamilton got rid of the dual. Just come out of the cover of darkness and take care of business. I cannot comprehend, because this really happened. Dools were real.

Hamilton is the big example of obviously, like, that's how we died. But this happened all the time. I can't imagine like waking up in the morning. I'm like, I'm going to work. I'm going to have a nice day. And then like at some point during that day, I'm going to be in. a duel for my life. And then I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this because of pure honor. Like, you have to show up and do it. Honor and pride. Yeah. You know, because if you don't, they're going to call you a chicken. Right. And nothing worse, apparently. I'd rather be dead.

In the 17 months. They literally would rather be dead than be insulted. Now, to be fair, not all duels end in death. You know what I mean? Well, sometimes they, uh, so, yeah. What do they do? What are they? What do they do when they, before the gunshots fire, somebody can, like...

Well, the doctor has to turn around, so they have... He's just going all the Hamilton lyrics. I love it. But dueling, like, let's even talk before guns. Dueling was a thing. Okay. You know what I mean? And so you would duel someone. Wait, or would we talking swords?

Swords? Yeah. How do you... I guess there's a sword duel. Yeah, there's absolutely a sword duel. Angar. And it doesn't always go to the death. You know, sometimes there's...

There's rules set up of, like, certain hits or you can yield. So, like, fancy. Oh, that's the word I was looking for, yield. Yeah. So it's like, the guns kind of took it to a whole other level where it's like, can't yield with a shot to the face. How many duels can you yield from before no one challenges you to another duel? I think it would take a lot.

Now, you're not, when you say yield, yield, yield is I'm in the battle. The battle has started and then I yield. Sure. Yeah, the knife is at the throat. And I yield, I yield. No, I'm doing it right at the beginning. I'm saying if I do that with like... I would challenge you more, not less. I'd be like, I'm going to win this.

Yeah, but I would keep yielding. That's fine. I won. Like, my statistics are going through the roof. I'd just challenge you every day. But that's like a TK.O versus a K.O. What if we legalize them? Win's a win, man. If we legalize them now...

You gotta go to New Jersey. But you can only shoot people on the lake. I don't think people would adhere to the rules. No, no, that's the rules. You got it here to. No, I guess. it I think people could try to adhere to it but if you miss

whoops like that's the problem with gun duels is like like would you oh I got you a little high that was I think the heart my bad you know you can't do that's why I'm saying we gotta go back to sword duels or even let's just go to

they kill too I want to I want to institute fighting nonchucks no fist fist fighting for for honor for honor and maybe to settle like small claims court absolutely when there is a dispute when there is an issue going on at work we can't decide which way to go on a topic i challenge you to a duel on this you know what i mean like today we made a bet

we made a bet a player for a fantasy yeah instead i would be like i disagree with your take okay i challenge you to a fight and then wait if you lose the fight to me you have to agree with me yeah okay i think you run into problems how uh well like whoever in the i see nothing like wrong with this. Whoever in the company is just good at fist fighting ends up running the company. That sounds like power rules, just like. But also, you can accept a champion. I mean, that's how Cal Drogo became the leader of the clan of the horseman. The strongest man wins. We have evolved. As my champion, I nominate so and so. Oh, yeah, can I nominate? How many people Al Borland would have fought over that have hit his car? He would have been like, you're one of them.

Oh, you're right. I would have been one of them. Yeah. And now Owls. Oh, I'm his Butler. But I do think that there was some good to that. All right. What's the difference between a mistake, an accident, and an error.

And man alive, do I have questions for you on this one? Okay. A mistake. Because I need to know copability for these things as well. because I may know some people who do not believe that you are responsible for anything if an accident happens because it wasn't on purpose right it was an accident therefore they do not need to be sorry ever right an accident couldn't have been done on purpose that is one of the biggest differences here you can make a mistake and you did the thing that you found out was a mistake on purpose I did it on purpose I knew what I was

doing turns out I made a mistake but an accident by definition is something that was unintention I mean, I feel like a mistake is unintended. No, no, no, no, because you can... It has to be. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. I made a mistake. Yes, you've made a mistake.

But when you did the action, when you performed the action, you thought it was the right thing to do. You thought it was the right thing to do. Right. But it was wrong. So it was a mistake. When you do an accident, you aren't meaning... When you do it an accident... When you accidentally do something, I was trying to do what I didn't do.

You get in a car accident, I was not, you know, it was an accident. If I stepped off the stairs when I meant to put my foot on the next step, I'm never, an accident is something intentionally, like, opposite of what you meant to do. I think an accident happens because someone did something stupid. Always? I think, unless you can prove me wrong right here. We're talking through it. Yeah, I mean, I've, well, I mean, I've gotten an accident that wasn't my fault, but someone else.

Someone did something. No, I mean, you're tight. You could pop a tire. That's not your fault. Nobody did something stupid. and then you crash. And no one ever... But that's a car accident.

That's not an accident in the traditional... The car did something stupid. Okay. All right. All right. So the car, it's tire. Well, I mean, if you... I still don't understand.

Let me... If you pop a tire, you probably... Maybe you hit something. That means someone did something stupid and puts it in the street. Or you didn't take care of your tires. And they popped. Let me, let me... I need to get this figured out.

Let's say I am carrying... Jason, you have a beautiful vase full of flowers. And you ask me to carry it. down the stairs down the stairs and I trip yeah and fall

and I break the flowers that is then that's an accident that's an accident yeah and it's not a mistake that's great the mistake was he asked you

to carry the boss down the stairs I made a mistake and then you I intended to do something smart yes but I intended to do something well when I was bringing it down the stairs I didn't try to fall

right but you accidentally fell right it was unintention But I made a mistake to have covered my feet in Vaseline. Yes, that would be. All right, exactly. I got to laugh at Al back there.

And an error, an error is mathematical. Always? Not always sometimes. Yes, always. Well, what if you're trying to, what if your first baseman and you didn't catch the ball? Oh, gosh. You went to the baseball. Okay. But that's still, I mean, that's very mathematical.

It's just statistic. If I give you the wrong change, what is that? Is that a mistake, an accident or an error? It's an error. It's a statistical. It's math. If it's a counting error. Yeah. If it's a counting stat, it's error. But what if I, instead of giving you the wrong change, I hand you the wrong product? What's that? Wait, what? So like I gave me... You give me the right change, but you accidentally hand me the wrong product. That's an error. E-R-R. If you... Like a comedy of errors. If you give me the wrong product? As in like, I'm trying to buy something? Well, I was just taking

it away from the money side. Because you said anything money isn't error. Right. If you hand me the wrong product, you have made a mistake. Okay. Okay. All right. Oh, man, that was, that was easy. Was it? And clear. Was that clear? Very clear. And easy?

Okay. Well, uh, let's take a break and we'll draft. All right. We are drafting things that are heavy. This is, uh, probably doesn't need to be explained very much. Some things are light, some things are regular weight,

and some things are heavier. Yeah. And we want to draft heavy things today. And Mike, you get the first pick. What are you going with? There's a lot of heavy things out there. You go on Broken Heart? It's much better than an owner of a lonely heart.

But this is not the draft to have the 101, but we are here. So the first thing I thought of was a mattress. Okay. Wow. I think there's some heavier things. I came across mattress. Of course there's heavier things, but I'm going with, like, it's heavy. It's ridiculous that they are so heavy.

They're impossible to move. Let me back you up. Let me back you up. Let's put some handles on this bad boy. There are a lot of heavy things in the world, but there are not a lot of heavy things that we regularly have to try to move. They're heavy and floppy. So you, that's true, Mike. And apparently you've had a tough time with a couple of these bad dogs.

Yes. I did have. If you've moved a mattress, you've had a hard time. I can remember specifically asking Jason when he was up. I was putting a large mattress. I was trying to get it out of an upstairs bedroom. I asked Jason for his help. He gave his help, but he did not have a good time.

No, I don't like help when people move. Moving a mattress up and down the stairs, that's not fun. So I guess in the grand scheme of things that we do have. to move that are heavy, that's a pretty good pick. But not what I expected. Not what I expected at all. I thought of it, and I didn't put it on my list. Good pick, though.

I'm like, I'm going to throw that. I thought about it and dismissed it. Yeah. I'll take an elephant. There we go. That's fine. Yeah. And walk right on your mattress.

He'll take a nap. Which elephant? The king. For sure. King elephant. Yeah. the king elephant. The tuss is way too fast, man. That is the big. Yeah, the tuss. The tusks make it extra heavy. Oh, the king's on the crown. Are the king's only one with tusks? Heavy is the head, you know? Right. No, great pick.

Thank you. I'm going to go with a tank for my first pick. Oh, that is very heavy. A tank. Please don't shoot my elephants. I'm going to go with a tank. I won't. And then I'm going to go with something a little bit. Who's shooting an elephant with a tank? Dude, I don't know. But if you're going to go. going to shoot an elephant with something pick a tank i mean it's gonna get the job done shooting elephants man because he brought it i cared about the king and i did not want you i saw a way for the king to go down okay okay um i will go a tank for my first pick of things that are heavy i will go with something i think more uh in the vein of mike's first pick you can't take mattress i'm not taking don't take a smaller mattress i'm taking he's got a king size right king mattress

I got all of them. Oh, okay. I just said, you didn't get a king tank. You know, I do have a king tank. I'm going grand piano. Oh, that's a good. It's on my list. Yeah.

Grand piano. That's a good one. That was not on my list. People, when they think about heavy things falling on them, a piano is in the conversation all the time. It's like falling out of some upstairs, you know, window. You're flattened. Grand piano.

Yeah. I like that. I like that pick quite a bit because that is the classic. Yeah. And you know what? You've had a move. a piano. You have to hire a special person to do that. If you are walking down the street and someone is lifting a piano to an upper level, please don't go under that piano. I've seen it too many

times. We need stronger ropes specifically to move piano ropes. Ironically, they do make the keys out of your king elephant. Oh, why do you have to go there? That's me. After the tank gets it. If the tank takes care of one, then I get a piano out of the whole deal. All right. Jason. Now we're talking about poaching elephants. This is rude. Someday we'll draft animals you shouldn't poach and that will be one of my top picks.

All right. To redeem my evils. Animals you shouldn't coach. I love I love what I want to know is any of them? No, no. Specifically when we're done. I want to see the list of what else was on your list. I'm out.

We picked all mine. That's like a list of animals you don't want to go extinct put them in order. That's not fair. All right, Jason, you've got an elephant with some beautiful tusks. You're up next. I like your tank. I was between two at the top and one is similar. Tank wasn't on there. Instead, I went with a different metal monster, which is a steamroller. The entire purpose of this construction tank is that it's heavy. It literally just flattens everything because it's... Is that what they use for like asphalt? Yeah, exactly. It's like the, the giant, wheel. It's what you use to run over

people in Austin Powers or Roger Rabbit. That one feels like some some like construction equipment feels really high tech. That one feels so low tech. Yeah. It's like, well if we have a wheel big, big heavy. But it's heavy. It's so heavy. I drive to big

heavy. Okay. Yeah, steamroller's good. It's on the list. Right next to mattress. Mike, you have two picks. All right. With my first pick, I am going to this thing is intentionally it's made to be heavy

you want a heavier version you got to pay a lot more money I'm going to take weights okay weights makes a lot of sense that is that's almost a synonym at this point yeah yeah I've got some 10 heavies

I got some 20 heavies no that's good I got to go with weights and then of my it is so expensive to ship weights yeah because they're so heavy because of the heavy. Postage is by weights.

Yeah. That's just a little side commentary there. Wanted it known. I mean like whatever you're going to pay for the weights, just double it because that's what it's going to call. Is that make weights like somewhat resistant to like the Amazon like online culture? Like if you had a local weight store, you're in better shape? For sure.

The heavier items you sell, the less Amazon can steal from you. Correct. Okay. So if I sold elephants, I'm in good shape. Heavy items that you can buy on Amazon. I'm going bags of salt Oh yeah Oh for sure

Like for the Your soft water Yeah Yeah They are very heavy No they started making the The 25s But then they don't fill as much

You know the 25 pounders Or it's the 40 pounders No You gotta get the 40 pound bags And when you do it You gotta instacart that Oh man Like I'm gonna get

I'm gonna stock up I think I'm gonna get 10 of these I didn't think you'd say this part out loud Because I know you do this Now 10 40 pound bags I tip well Do you tip well?

Yeah I've never done on it. Do you tip my weight? Certainly not. That's 400 pounds. I know that you can buy them on Amazon and they don't add to shipping. They just add to the price. Right. Like a five

bag or five dollar bag of salt becomes a $30. And they're like, free shipping. If you buy it on Instacart, does the price of the really heavy bag of salt change? Not much. Pretty much not at all. Just the regular Instacart just the normal

slightly more Instacart. Is that what they do? they have the Instacart fee is by weight? No, the Instacart fee is not by way, but they do have, I believe, a, it's like a $10 fee for heavy cart. You have got to combo like 20 bags of salt with 20 free weights in one order. Well, I usually combo that with a bunch of distilled water. No, you don't. 10 gallons of distilled water and 10 bags of 40 pounds salt. I'm not carrying that.

Oh, my gosh. And then pro tip, when they arrive, open the, oh, oh, open the front door for them and show them where they can put them. You know, like, it's through here to my garage. When Helen shows up with all of your heavy weights. Yeah. Bags of salt, Mike. Okay.

We learned a lot about Jason on that one. Jason, elephant, steamroller. The only other thing that is heavy that drops on people's heads like a piano. Oh, it's on my list. It's an anvil. Yeah. I mean. Yeah, we don't see a lot of anvils these days.

Anvill's only job is be heavy. Like, that's, that's, well, that's its full-time job. It's like, you don't lift it. Not if we had more duels, like you said, with the swords. You'd have anvils everywhere. Everyone would be sharpening their swords. That's true. What are the anvils doing in the air?

Like a piano. Why are we lifting them? A piano, I get it. I live in the penthouse. I want my big piano up there. And the only way to do it is to get a crane. What are anvils doing up in the air? You know what they're doing up there?

They're just light enough to be, somebody could lift one up and drop it off of something. Are they just? That's it. I don't think a piano can get pushed on the wheels, but some people, they've got to be lifting an anvil. How do you get it there? You build the anvil on site? I would, I mean, that's what I figured I did.

Because they're like, most anvils are hundreds of pounds. It's just a blacksmith tool, right? Or is there, or crush a coyote. Jason gets his from Instacom. But aside from that, there's no other purpose for an anvil, right? For what? No, an anvil is made for sword crafting. Yeah.

So that I've always... Metal crafting. Okay. Goodness gracious. He knows a lot about metal. I've, yeah, like if you're a blacksmith, they make their own anvils, right? I don't know, maybe. How do you, I thought you had to find these. I thought these were made at creation.

This is a real chicken or egg situation. No, no, no, me know your secret. I mean, they dug them out. No, that's not true for sure. But I don't know any blacksmiths. Well, yeah, it's, you know any blacksmiths? No, it's, it's very out of. I would ask one if I knew one.

Are blacksmiths still a job? Yeah, they've got to be still a job. Yeah, they're not a townman. But I'm saying, can you, how do you? It's not a town blacksmith. Is that the first job of a blacksmith is to make your anvil? Or do you have to go to a different blacksmith? And if that's the case, where did the first blacksmith get his anvil from?

Oh, there's your chicken in the egg. Yeah. Well, you don't make an anvils with invas. Do you? I don't think you don't make anvils with anvils. That's a really good counterpoint. No, you only need one. No, but I'm just saying you don't make a second anvil with anvil.

No. Anvils are just blocks of, like, steel. Or some kind of metal. I don't know what metal. Jason should know. Iron, of course. okay you drafted an anvil uh i'm going to draft a boulder i'm going to draft a big old boulder bob bob a big old boulder bob could be heavy too um boulders they come loose they roll down

i've never known a light bob that's for sure i know two bobs they're big boys so you know i mean it big boy is bob's burger that makes sense there you go i'm not saying that it's possible. There's acceptance to every rule. But Bob's a big boy name, you know what I mean? It's like, you ever heard someone be like,

oh, that's Skinny Bob? Not me. Let me poll the audience here. Has anyone ever heard someone called Skinny Bob? I mean, if it's like a little John situation. There's a silent Bob. Yeah.

Not a skinny Bob. Right. And how was he on size? Bob made his size. If Bob's a big boy. Oh, man, you know, Rob. Yeah, sorry Uncle Bob. Oh, no, it's Uncle Bob.

Of course. He's going to hear this. Oh, man, I'm going through the bobs I know, man. Mm-hmm. Just think big. I'm sorry to all the bobs out there. There's such a stupid bit. Wait, are you Robert and you become a bob when you go past a certain...

Yeah, if they're, if they're, yeah, exactly. It's like... We're going to get that Rob off. But then we're swapping that. Now, we have a rob in the office. Right. If he was not Robert, he's robin. He is shredded.

But if he put on a lock. Yeah. Well, does he, does he, does he, does he, do you walk in and he gets the Bob introduction? Does he go through Robert? Oh, so he's got to go from Rob to Robert back to Bob? Yeah. Like, as he swells. This is all Jason more.

Do I have another pick? Who knows, man? I have a final pick, right? Yes. I'm going an anchor. going an anchor it's like an anvil but it's for the ocean it's an anchor you throw it in a big

difference there's a big chain on the end yeah it doesn't move the boat won't move because it's so heavy that's a great pick I wasn't on my list but that's good um so boat anchor all right back to you bob I'm taking Bob I'm taking Bob

no you're trapped in Bob look your Uncle Bob oh no you have to name it it has to be one you got to go Uncle Bob I'm just going on no I'll I'll leave Bob off the body bag here. I will, hmm, I want to take something very different. You know, I like making fun of Mike's mattress pick,

but I do respect the fact that it's like an everyday real thing that's like, dang, why is this so heavy? It's an inconvenience. It's not as heavy as a tank or a steamroller or an elephant or anything else we've drafted, but it is applicable to heavy things. And so I'm going to take something. Half compliment, have insulin. Well, I'm going to take something even lighter than a mattress, but somehow heavier than anything that exists.

A sleeping child. Yeah. When they're dead weight. Yeah, dead weight is ridiculous. It's like they're twice as heavy as they should be. You get them out of the car and you're like shaking them to wake up. You know, it's like they're just so daggum heavy. Yeah.

Okay. Because they're heavy and they're floppy. Oh, that is true. That's the mattress. Oh, that is the mappiness makes the human mattress. Yeah. Got to hold the head up. The human mattress

That's no elephant mattress I've seen an elephant mattress Those are big Those are very large Mike you got one more pick You got mattress weights bags of salt And you're closing it out with

Well my real Everyday things were Getting trashed So I'll just take Something heavier than your stuff I will take a black hole Yeah the heaviest thing ever That's right

How heavy is your elephant now? We were so close to getting through this whole thing Without one of those But you trashed his mattress and he went black coal. I am proud of leaving that off my list. I am proud of you too. Thank you. Your list looks great.

I was all ready to go. Mike's bookends are wild. With a beached whale, but no. Beached whale's great. He had to poke the bear. So mine's the heaviest. All right. I can just, we just have to lean on our audience's inability to know science for that one to help us out.

Yeah. That's like probably a good bet. You can't even lift that. That's right. There you go. you're lifting your elephant that is that is the bob of the universe all right what did we learn today oh i know what jason learn go ahead i learn the samurai have armor yeah and what one was they also don't throw ninja stars

apparently no that be the ninja yeah yeah do they call them samurai stars probably if they threw them yeah okay makes sense they're just too honorable to throw that stuff I learned that the commission I need to give to be not a bad pirate would be just over 50% after expenses. Yeah, and I learned that I'd rather be slapped than smacked. Yes. I might not even start a fight if you slap me. I might just take that and think to myself, I deserved it. And what did we learn about Bob today?

Goodbye, everybody. Thank you for tuning in. Sorry, Bob. Goodbye. Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.