Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Cold Farts & Things To Do In The Snow - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 18, 2025

Spit Hit for Dec 18th, 2025:Tis’ the season for cold jokes, snow days and laughter as we’re bringing you a brand new episode that's sure to get you laughing. Would You Rather and then the returns of Jason Explains, plus That’s a Great Question before we wrap things up with a Things To Do in the Snow Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, man, that's a letdown. That was a letdown. I'm going to be straight honest. I, I, I didn't, I, it was too reserved. I wanted to see where it would go. Because it felt like it was building to somewhere. And then I ran out of time.

You ran out of time or breath or. Yeah, it was just like, the scale went as far as it could go. He's getting a zero over here. No, that's fine. Of course. The falcon knows about failing. I don't know if it was that bad. Yeah, how my heart felt.

Welcome into the spit. Ballers. We have a show for you today, episode 311. Mike is out sick today, but Jason and I, we did not want to leave you for the holiday break without a new episode of the spitballer. So it is our... Not only that, but this is for science. It's for science. The very first two-person spit. And maybe the last, we'll find out whether we can two-man spit.

I'm not encouraged by the fact that you are preceding the recording of this show with digestive. decision-making that may leave you hoping for energy. I have no energy. I am already hoping for energy. My bubble guts are here. My Tum-Tum feels like it needs more room but doesn't have more room. You have eaten your way to better health over the past, I'd say, what, four or five months. Six months, sorry. Seven months.

But, I mean, you had been very used to maybe a slightly less disciplined diet. Now that if you have a meal here or there now, are you getting, is it hitting different? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I used to be able to eat anything and have no. This is really, if I can do a PSA for all the unhealthy people out there, never change, right? I mean, I could eat any fast food and I would look at you and might be like, oh, that'll wreck me. I'm like, nothing wrecks me.

But now it wrecks. Yeah. Now my body's like, what no crap was that? Well. I'm not prepared for this. That's probably good. Yeah. It's a really good thing.

It's a good thing. My body's like, I don't like that. I don't want that. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Well, and you were taking your father out to lunch. Yeah. One thing led to a Mongolian beef plate. Oh, man.

Oh, did you get the lunch portion at least? No, I didn't get the lunch portion, Andy. We didn't ask that. They serve entree portion all day. Oh, no. Yeah. You didn't get any appetites. or sides.

I did not not get any appetizers. I had pork pot stickers. Okay. Well, look. And I didn't split them evenly with my father. You didn't? They were so good. You ate most of them.

Yeah, I kept going. I kept doing the thing. This was two pot stickers left. Gonna eat that? I didn't do the going to eat that. You just took it? I had the thought of like, oh, I should ask or see how many he's at. I'm like, these are good.

I'm just going to grab it. Oh, yeah. And then I ate it. And then there's the one left. And I just went, I'm going to eat the whole thing. It felt like the burger schedule. I'm like, I'm not going to ask permission or forgiveness. He could always order more.

Yeah, I'm just going to eat those because they were awesome. All right. We have, would you rather, we have a Jason explains that I just told him about on the show. He doesn't know what it's about, but he knows that I explain many things. I already know how to explain it. I don't know what the topic is, but I know I can explain it. It's something you'll know very well. well, but slightly less

well than metal. You know metal a little bit. I mean, I don't know anything else as well as metal. Right. That's a great question on the show. And then with the holiday season, we are drafting the best things to do in the snow. Something we have so little experience about it. I was going to say, if you want expertise

on things you can do in the snow during the, you know, the holiday season, you've come to the right place. Because I have been in the snow before um a few times right you know everything there is that should have in the jason explains our Arizona um native podcast here is pretty much high level experts on things like snow hockey um cold weather yeah these are things that you grew up yeah just know i know i know all of it all right well let's kick it off jay let's see how we do on would you rather

Would you rather? All right, Jason. Ellie from the website has a very important question for us. Would you rather hold mistletoe over the head of a stranger while winking at them? Oh, that's fun. Or sit on the lap of a stranger while telling them your wish list. What? Okay, so.

This whole question is messing with me. All right. Because, like, one of the. these you could do to a stranger and they wouldn't know. Like, they'd eventually notice, but it would be like a gag. You'd look awkward and stupid and dumb in the mistletoe line. I mean, they would know. They would know right away.

You're not going up behind them and like, I imagine you would. Well, but it says you're winking at them. Well, that's the, yeah. But I mean, how do you sit on somebody's lap? You don't even ask? Is it, Al, will you explain the situation here for me? Yeah, you're at the food court in the mall and you're either walking up to a stranger and putting this mistletoe above their head

and winking? Or you're just going to go sit in their lap and start telling them your wish list. I'm not sitting on somebody. So I have... I'm not sitting on somebody. It's one of my rules of life. I have a constitution about me that I could easily do either one of these things. I don't think I would I don't think I would have a problem if it was for a fun joke. You know, like a hidden TV show type of thing.

I could go sit on someone's lap. No problem. And I could probably get away with it. Mm-hmm. I understand once you make physical contact it's a whole other level though like these are not fair comparisons going up to someone with a mistletoe and being like wink wink wink that doesn't you're not necessarily invading someone the way that's sitting on the lap what would you do put yourself in the opposite situation both of these things are happening to you okay how do you react to each one of them honestly who's doing it you know what I mean who's sitting on your lap who's sitting on my lap i mean this is going to make a pretty big difference yeah i mean some stranger like owl boiling comes up and sits on my lap that's gonna be that's gonna be a little rough do they have like a really big rolled up christmas list is this an obvious christi

christmas thing i think you just sit down and start telling them what you want i want for a man well that's kind of insulting now because santa's fat i mean just there's no other way so they assume you're saying yeah like wait you thought i was santa yeah I mean, I got a beard, and it's getting some grays, and I'm fat. Are you, Santa. I want a big new bicycle. No, I, look, the mistleto is the answer. What do you want for Christmas?

I never know. I never know. No, people ask all the time, and I have no idea, but I know people like to buy gifts for people. So I have to figure it out because they get mad at me, and I don't really think about it that way it's hard as an adult because when you want something you have the capability to get that thing right unless it's this crazy expensive you know it's like oh i want that car you can't just go out and get yourself that car but if you if there's like generally speaking you know you want caviar you get caviar i'm just saying like what about the deusers do you guys

have this problem where like you just buy yourself what you want and you don't have a bunch of leftover stuff? I definitely do. Yeah. Anything that is cheap enough that I would ask somebody else to buy it for me, I've already bought. That's what it is. If it's too expensive for me to buy it,

I'm not going to ask you to buy it either. That's it. That is the real issue. Because it's like, yeah, you want to know what I want? I want like a thousand dollar chef knife. You know what I'm never going to ask you for? Yeah. A thousand dollar chef knife. That's absurd. No, I agree. And when people try to give, you end up giving some idea of something you don't really

want or really need and it's just nothing has hit me more this year than the kind of just the oddity of the gift giving consumerism I know I don't want to get too deep on no let's get deep that's not the point of the two-man show is a deep analysis but it's all just I give you $10 so you can give him $10 so you can give you $10 that you can give me $10 so that we can all keeping that economy alive there are the times that I've enjoyed it have been times I'm definitely not asking somebody what they want, ever. It's something that I think about during the year. I see something and I go, you know what?

They would love that thing. It's got more sentimental value than it is, getting them a Best Buy gift card or something. It's some, you know, it could be not a lot of money, but it's something I know is special to you. It feels so good when you have that thing. When you're like, oh, I thought of this thing. You know what my dad's favorite thing like that is?

It's watermelon jelly ranchers that cost nothing. Nothing. That's his favorite gift in the world. Well, that makes it easy. Just because it was his favorite candy grown up. So if you get them those all the time, that's his favorite part of the gift. That's the type of thing that's like, okay, cool. You've got something I couldn't get myself or don't think about getting myself. The opposite is equally sucky when you've got someone that you don't know what to get for them.

And you don't have any, like, nice sentimental meaning. So now I'm just like strolling through a target, just like. Where's your gifts? Yeah. I'm looking like, what will be okay? I don't want this thing They don't want this thing They're going to open it and be disappointed

But I'm going to purchase it Yeah And then I'm going to give it And then eventually it's going in the garbage or good one Oh yeah or re-gifted Alex from Patreon Would you rather mop your floors by sitting on a rag And bum shuffling

To scrub all of them Okay, I can picture that I think that word illustrates itself Or use your bare foot in a rag To clean all your toilets so mop your floors by sitting on a rag and basically cleaning it with your bum or cleaning your toilets with your foot barefoot I think is that one dude but you can't you can't choose that one that's got to go in the water you can't clean a toilet without going deep in the bowl no I agree but I'm just saying it's my foot I mean it's just at least it's my foot the other one is going to be exhausting he they said a you're sitting on a rag do you know how many

years this will take if you told me to do one straight line bum shuffling across the floor sure well this is this is a toilet wait no it's all your toilets hmm okay i was i was gonna make it like a small area of your house i just feel like i'd be i'd just commit the foot to disaster and then clean it afterwards i don't think i could do it man i don't think i could stick my foot in in a toilet i know the water is like it's clean right well not completely well but the bowl it's a dirty bowl it's a dirty bowl full of most of clean water that's taken some germs from the sides. Yeah, exactly.

Your foot would be fine. It's a mental thing. You don't have foot orifices, right? Of course, skin is an orifice. Your epidermist can take things in through the skin. Why are you nodding, Al? That's not what I mean by orifice. Otherwise, that word has no meaning, right? Because

it's used to describe holes on the body. I was just nodding, and I was impressed with Jason's knowledge. I don't know if his knowledge is knowledge. The point here is, I mean, when you're talking about no orifices, this is germs of bacteria, absolutely

germs of bacteria. The description of an or, I said, define is skin an orifice. Yes, the skin contains orifices. Yes. Which are the openings in the body that allow for the input or output. So pores technically would be tiny openings. Yes.

But not what I meant. Well, that's what I meant. Anyways. Do you have any other holes on your feet? Um, Not that I know of, just the pores that are not going into the toilet. Even if, I think, and this might be stupid, I mean, it is stupid. But I think if it was a brand new never before used toilet and you hook it up and you fill it up with the water from the toilet line, like I can't imagine sticking my hand in that. I can't even. I'd be fine.

I'd be fine with that. I wouldn't. I'd be fine. It's a mental. Because that's where poopie belongs? That's where poopie Pee goes. And putting my hand in there, I think it would like scar me mentally. If you could wear a stock while you did the cleaning, is that better or worse?

That's worse. Okay. But you have a, there's a separation between the actual scrubby area. Well, I mean, I assume. I guess you're using the rag there too. Yeah, I'm using my foot, but I'm not like scraping it off with my toes. Oh, my feet are super. Dexterity.

Yes, dexterous. So you could grab the rag, move the rag, turn the wrap. I'll throw a baseball, brother. I got them big, long toes. Okay. No more. I basically got four hands. Okay.

Okay. You do your pull-ups, but upside down. That's right. My legs are way stronger. I can't do one pull-up with my arms, but you can do a lot. No problem with that. So are we, you're telling me you want a bum shovel? Because I think you're getting tired, man.

Oh, I am getting tired, but you know what else? else I'm getting a workout. Getting a good ab workout. It's like the guy who bear crawled a marathon. Okay, you're bum shuffling. I am going to do the toilet cleaning. But Danny from Patreon wants to know, would you rather age at half speed?

So it would be one year every two calendar years, etc. And live to twice your normal expected lifespan or... So that's compounding then. So, like, instead of living to 80, I live to 160, and each year I age. Yeah, that's a way of saying that your body's progression of aging is slower. So that's great. Or age normally until you're 30, then stop aging completely, but diet and your normal expected lifespan.

So normal till 30, you're 30 year old body, and then you're good at that 30 year old body until, let's call it 80 years old. This is a great question. Yeah, let's say 80. Yeah, let's say you're dead at 80. And another one's 160. Yeah, one's 60 and you get to, you get to have a slower progression. Now, keep this in mind.

Let's say, you know, 30 years from now, 40 years from now is when I would live on the normal timeline. I'm 40, I would die at 80. If 50 years from now, there is incredible. breakthroughs on science, medicine, and things to keep me feeling, you know, even better, healthier, stronger. I miss out on that if I take the normal, you know, the stop aging but die. Yeah, you're saying you could end up hitting those things if you take the normal. Yeah, I'm saying if I go with the half speed aging and I actually end up getting an additional 80 years

of human existence you know what i mean like the progression of humanity on almost another century yeah i get to see so much more and some of those things are going to help me to not feel like i'm they'll at least help you feel better when you are old exactly yeah i it's barely worth saying but like if you yeah okay i don't know which one that being said that being said the difference between 30 and 40 if you haven't experienced it yet that's a big deal 40 sucks. I'm just throwing that out there, man. You tried 50 on for size yet?

I haven't. I'm hoping to avoid it. Want to push that back? So there is something to aging normally until 30 and then stop it. I imagine, yeah, that's tough because if you... Living 50 years as a 30-year-old is pretty awesome. So in the first scenario, you're 40 right now. Right.

So, yeah, we'll round. We'll call it 40. That means when you are feeling like a 50-year-old, you're actually 60. Correct. Right? Yes. So you're getting double the time. You're deteriorating half as fast, but you will deteriorate.

You will deteriorate. Like if you think about it this way, a 75-year-old, and let's say you're going to die at 80, you're going to get 10 years of being 75. Right. Equivalent. Or not 10 years, but you'll get. Well, I'll get two years of being 75. Yeah, 10 years worth of 75 to 80 gap instead of five.

So really what this comes down to is feeling good for the rest of your life until you die or getting to see things later in human existence. Like that, for me, those are the two levers that I'm deciding between. I'm taking the longer time. I am surprising myself here. I think I'm going to take the 30. I think I want to live with a perfect health span right up until the day I die. Did you feel pretty good at 30?

I felt great at 30. And I was overweight. I could still get in shape, be even better. But yeah, the body can heal. The body can, yeah, I don't want to have, oh, great, I get two years of feeling like I'm 75. So let me just, so you're going to live to 80, you're 40 now, let's say, and that's 40 years from now.

If I took the first option, 40 years from now, I would be 60. You would feel, yes. So I'd be 60, you'd be dead. Correct. Yeah. So I'd be 60. I'd go to your funeral. I'll be like, he lived like a 30-year-old his whole life.

And then I would have another 80 years. No. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. 40 years. Another 40 years to live because I'd be 60. Oh, no, I am lost. No, that's right.

You would have another 80 years because you're going to live to 160. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm going for. When you explain it like that. But I will visit your grave every year during my actual. 80 years. When you explain it like that, I feel like I'm really missing out here. I mean, it's all about quality quantity, right? Like, everybody, it's easy to make the really

like obvious decision of, okay, if you told me I was going to be a vegetable and I'm on machines, is it worth being alive or not? A lot of people don't want to just be kept on a minute. Right. Are you a machine guy? Would you want to be on the machine? I would not want to be on a machine. I don't have like a directive. Do not resuscitate. But I. It sounds like you're machine guy. No, no, no. I don't want, I won't be able to tell somebody. I mean, I just chose to be 30 till I was 80. So who's going to make the machine decision for you? The doctor? I don't know. I mean, no, it won't be the doctor. They'll go to the, if you don't have a director. Well, then it would be my wife. What does she know you're not a machine guy? I'm not like, I'm

not like, I want to be on a machine. You know, I want to live on a breathing machine. I'm also not like, don't you dare put me on one. You're cool with her deciding. Yeah. That's all I meant. Like, There's context of the situation. Yeah. Yeah. Al, do you have anything written up for this situation? I do not. Do you, Andy?

Yeah. You do. Yeah. So what do you have? I have the DNR, basically. Really? You're a do not resuscitate. I think I've kind of told my wife, like, give it a little bit of time.

That's basically what I've said. I'm like, if the doctor says it's like going to be like really low odds or this amount, I was like give it like two weeks more. That's what I've told her. Yeah, but I think if you've got a DNR, they're not allowed to intervene at all. However we have written up, she can make a call. I don't need the DNR because my life insurance policy is high enough that my wife will make that decision for me. She's going to cash in.

She's just waiting every day. Is she feeding you bad foods and like high? She keeps suggesting it goes on one of those machines. She's like to keep him alive. Okay. That one's a really good question. question. That is very philosophical. Why don't you do me a favor and explain something for us? Okay. Jason explains in 60 seconds. Get ready to learn people. You've got 60 seconds to explain

something very important. It's been making the news lately and I want to learn more. Everyone wants to learn more. I want to teach everybody. So the answer is quantum computing. Oh, fantastic. All right. Start that clock quantum computing is basically instead of ones and zeros where you've got just a yes and no and off and on to use your computer chips and be able to make decisions you now have think of it more like a three dimensional uh block where you could decide between multiple things uh at the same time so instead of being like oh it's a hundred percent yes or a hundred no you have the infinite range of between on and off where it could be like 90% on 10% off and it makes it to where your computing power is so much stronger that you can do you can do more than you think

possibly exists in a computer and now it's like proven or they say Google saying it's like proven the multiverse exists and that that's real ant man is real uh that's what you're saying I'm saying that there are like infinite possibilities of life, and this computing chip is proving. Is that 60 seconds? That was 60 seconds. All right. I think I did a pretty okay, decent. It's a bad job.

Quantum. Yeah. Now, if you want to get quantum entanglement, that's where things really get fun. I was talking about particles hundreds of miles apart that are the same. I didn't think you were this educated. Oh, I'm not. I made it all up. You did a good job.

All right. Taking a break. Coming back with, that's a great question. All right, let's jump in. That's a great question. We've already had some great questions, but here's some more. Daniel from Patreon, if you could turn a door on or off, would on be when the door is open or closed? Oh, man, that's a good question.

That's a really good question. I think it's a good question because a door, when I think of it as functioning, it is closed. No. No, but when I think of a door being a door, it's closed, right? I mean, that's the default status. That's when it's off. Well, but see, the default status for someone be on. No, the default status is when it's not in use.

It's off. And so if I want to turn it on, I want to open the door. I want to use the door. Let me ask you this. Do you turn something on to not use it? Andy, anything in life? Anything in life? Do you turn it on to not use it?

Turn it on to not use it? Do you think about turning that blender switch on so that it's default off? It makes no sense. The default mode is off. Yeah, circuit breaker on power. So if I'm turning that switch on, power. My door opens. I'm just trying to play devil's advocate of the other side.

If a door is off its hinges, it's open. If it's off, it's hinges, it's open, yeah. Which means it's off. It's hinges. Yeah. It's in use. I mean, I get, I mean, I think it's a fun debate. If you could turn the door on,

like, if you were in a room and you were like, I'm going to push door on, door off. You hit on, you would freely walk through knowing it's open. Yes, I think that that's the right way. And the opposite take, the devil's advocate here is that you're going to turn it on to have it be. I think the devil's advocate's stupid. I can't justify the... So on is open. On is open.

And off is closed. Yeah. We just solved it. So you're, yeah, so an open doorway is considered on. Correct. Simon from Patreon, would you, what would happen if you farted in a tub of oatmeal? Oh, been there before. You should not have been.

Oh, could I tell you a fart in something story, though? Yeah, yeah, man. So this is really a little TMI, all right? So a funny thing happened. Yeah, a little rabbit hole journey. I've been cold plunging, right? In oatmeal? Not an oatmeal very hard.

That's hot plunging. Okay. No, cold plunging in freezing cold baths. You know, down at like 48 degrees or something like that. It's very, very cold in there. And when I do it at my house, I usually go from either a hot shower or a sauna. And so I'm in my underwear. And so I go into the bath.

I go into the cold plunge in my underwear. Pro tip. Uh-oh. Do not fart. It's so unbelievably cold. It's amplified like you wouldn't believe. Wait, you're saying if you come out of it. I'm saying when you fart and you're underwater.

Wait, cold farting is a problem? Why would that matter? It's going to freeze something. It's going to freeze something right there. Those cold bubbles come up. Really? Oh, brother. Holy moly.

It is an experience that you're going to have once. No one talks about this with the benefits of coal plunging. Or the negative. The literature is not really on whether you should or shouldn't fart in the coal plunge. The pros cons list is never like. Like pros, longer health, dopamine, it's all good. Negatives. You can't fart.

Can't fart. Can't fart. Okay. Hold your farts. What would happen if you did fart in a tub of oatmeal? Would it bubble to the top and release or would it be eternally trapped until someone uncovered it? I mean, my first gut is the second one. It's just a matter of power, brother.

I mean, how much? Well, you're farting downward. If you're in a tub, you're farting downward. This is the thing. And oatmeal's compact. It doesn't matter if, I mean, the air. The air wants to get to the top. Yeah, but if it's way down, there are layers, man.

Layers and layers of oatmeal. Absolutely. So then it's really just a matter of how much fart you got. Because imagine that you had a bowl of oatmeal, okay? And you take a straw and you put that straw in the bowl of oatmeal. And you started to blow. And I started blowing. Obviously, the air is going to come up.

But not right away. But not right away. So this is like how long. You can hide a fart under oatmeal. You can hide a fart under oatmeal. You can 100% hide a fart under oatmeal. but you can't you can't hide a thousand farts under oatmeal no because it would come to the time and then that's a dutch oven that you don't want now let me ask you this if it's brown sugar if it's maple and brown sugar oatmeal would the fart smell bad or the fart smell awesome you know what I mean like full bathtub of maple and brown sugar delicious scented uh I think they'd mix and I've probably smell awful it'd probably be really bad I mean I would love it.

That would be a Quaker Oats Dutch oven, is what you're saying? Quaker bloats. Parker from Patreon. When you were at a restaurant and someone that you don't know is celebrating their birthday, should you join in and sing, should you clap when they blow out the candles or do nothing? We've all been here. What have you done historically? I've done both.

It really depends on the mood. You know what I mean? If it's a clappy song, like not, in some places they, there's a, big to do it's more hokey some places are more like polite yeah it it's really i think i think you nailed it on the clapping like when there's the whole you know is it one waiter that comes out or did they bring their team you know if they brought their team of all the waiters have to go and do this big clapy happy song i'll clap i'll clap if i'm nearby i'll get in on that i'll get some and you'll clap at the end yeah do you how many birthdays

have to happen in a restaurant for it to be too much for your trip. Like, if it's not you, three would be too much. Three birthdays surrounding the area. If three birthdays is I'm in the wrong spot. If I'm not here for my birthday, if there's three different birthday parties,

I know I made a mistake. Because they're all interruptions. You're probably in the middle of a sentence and you hear them start to do it. And everybody stops. Yeah, because if imagine, We've all been there for one, all of us. And then imagine 10 minutes later another one happens.

It'd be like, oh, okay. I wouldn't even care. I wouldn't even think about it. But the second that the third one happened. Like, where am I? What is going on? Am I at the birthday spout spot? What is the name of this restaurant?

Are they famous for their birthday celebrations? Now, Ducers, any of you guys ever, like, you've had the birthday song sung to you? Any of you like that? Any of you want the restaurant to sing to you? I don't know that there's a person in existence. that does. No, no, there's a situation. I bet Josh does. Josh, if... I like to do the singing.

I don't want to be saying, too. But let me get to where I'm going. Most places will give a free dessert to the birthday person. Oh, yeah. And most of the time you have to decide is the song worth the free dessert? I'm honestly surprised you've ever gone to a restaurant without it being your birthday. I'm surprised you've not told them every time. It's your birthday anniversary

a special occasion. Then you've got to not share the dessert with your kids and then they get mad at you. Wait, you don't share your dessert with the kids? It's my birthday dessert. But what if it's not really your birthday? It's still my birthday dessert. So if you go in there and you lie and you say it's your birthday and they bring you out a cake, you're not sharing that.

No, it's an individual birthday cake. Would that give you permission to get your kids a dessert? They can claim it's their birthday. Oh, our family was all born on the same day. You've had the song sung to you, obviously. Do you just endure it? You're fine with it? Of course.

Who would not? What is not enduring it look like? You just get up and walk out. There are people that tell their significant other, you do not let this happen. For sure. Beforehand, I'm saying, but once it starts, stop, stop, stop! Once it starts, you are, you're already on the plane that has taken off. You're not getting off.

If you ran away, what happens? Like, if you ran straight out the door, do the waiters follow you? No, do they finish the song? But here's the thing. Let's say you're the birthday boy, birthday boy. And everyone knows it's your birthday. The whole weight stuff knows it's you. They come up.

They start singing to you. I stand up. I start slowly walking away, facing them. But just like walking to the side, walking backwards. How far do I get before they stop or they follow? I don't think they follow. I think they'll look. But are they singing to me still?

Yeah, they're still looking at you while they sing. Staying at this is, we got to try this out. I want to see if I can get a marching band. Can you get into the bathroom? Right. Will they come into the bathroom? That's what I want to know. Yeah, well, there's, I mean.

Because if the birthday boy left, if I got up and just went to the bathroom, right when they start singing, they come out, yeah, happy, happy birthday to you. And I leave. What do they do they, do they finish? I think they finish a song there because at the table without the birthday boy. Yep. So they're singing to nobody. I think so. I think that's what we got to find this out.

You got to get out of their quick, though, because they're shortening these songs. I know. And then it's done. Jeff on the website, if a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie become a vampire or the vampire become a zombie? Very good question. We're going to have to work through this. Mike, I'm sure, knows the answer. It really seems like a Mike question here.

The vampire bites a zombie. So if vampire bites anything, they become a vampire. Generally, a zombie has to bite somebody, don't they? Yeah. Papa Josh can weigh in because he's a professional zombie. I would imagine if you're getting your saliva in their blood. Can you bite it? If you bought a, if you weren't a vampire and you just bit a zombie, do you become a zombie?

No. The zombie has to bite you, right? No, they're both undead. They're not alive, so they're not affected by the others, like, disease slash. Oh, you're saying the vampire and the zombie. That's not what I asked you. one of them has to become the other I asked you if a human

A vampire is much stronger than a zombie So if one was going to happen The vampire would turn the zombie But that's not physically possible What I wanted to know is if I'm a regular person And a zombie's over there And I walk over and I sneak up And bite the zombie

As a person Yes, you'll become a zombie For biting it And everybody's nodding at this They all know this about zombies I'm amazed you don't know this Well no, let me let me Not a lot of movies have a plot where the humans are biting the zombies to become zombies.

It's also, I think it's, there are different versions of zombies out there because it's a matter of how did this start? Because, you know, like there are some animals that are, you know, they're venomous. But that doesn't mean they're poisonous. You can, you can eat them and you don't have, you're not getting their poison because it comes from the teeth. But if it's like a fungal start and it can be spread through the air, then of course, any part of that zombie. Not a quantum zombie, though. Look, so you're saying a vampire is a stronger creature than a zombie by just the undead standard. Yes.

By orders of magnitude. By orders of magnitude. So they can turn a zombie into a vampire zombie? Would it be a vampire zombie or just a vampire? It would have to be a vampire zombie. Because it doesn't bring it back to life. It does not bring it back to life. It stays undead.

It already was undead. So really, I think an undead thing can become a vampire because it's still undead. But not from biting. they just have like the power over them so like vampire lords will have legions of undead minions all right let's turn the mic off now ow that one was too far make sure that was a little too in depth yeah nerd yeah where are you going after work um okay so that settles that we'll take a break and we'll draft Well, now that we've got all of our zombie stuff taken care of, we can get back into the holiday spirit. The Spitballers Draft

Well, Jason mentioned it at the top. We're very knowledgeable on this subject. The best things to do in the snow as we get ready for a holiday break, celebrate Christmas with the families. Jason, we don't get a lot of time in the snow, but that doesn't. mean that we don't have a list of things we do immediately if we saw snow yeah it's not like we haven't seen a movie about the snow yeah are things you know what we might know better than other people because we long for the snow we watch something go that is something i would dream of doing in the snow there are people that come to arizona and they see cactuses and they're like

oh that's so amazing cactus suck no they're they're awful we do think snow's amazing because we don't see it so when we see it it's like you're in a magical place you guys are are so passionate about snow. You want to do five rounds? Five rounds. Yeah, we'll do five rounds of the best things to do in the snow. I guess I get the first pick. It's going to be a mix of things I've actually done and things that I want to do and things that I think are just, like, is snow magical in and of itself? Yes. Yes, snow is magical. I don't know. It's like water with magic. I don't remember. I don't believe I have been in a real snowfall right like one of the picturesque out the window i've i've been there where some flakes

are falling to the ground um but usually when i'm in the snow it has snowed right and now there is still snow on the ground and and that i've i've experienced many many times um but i don't know if in my entire life i've ever been where i just have the picturesque moment of bringing my hands up to the falling snow and stick your tongue out and have it fall in your tongue? Oh, that might be something on my wrist, all right? I will go with a snowball fight.

That is my number one pick, a snowball fight. I have had many snowball fights. They are quite wonderful. And it's competitive, and I'm going to pick something competitive. Yeah, that's fun. Although taking too hard of the snowball to the face,

that's on you, bro. What, it's on my face? It's on you if you're taking snowballs hard to the face. You can duck and dodge a snowball. You ever been hit by like an ice ball, though? No. Okay. Is that different?

Next time we're up north. What, you have ice balls? I just, sometimes the snow is pretty compact. Huh. There's a right consistency of snow for snow. I've never had a snowball fight. That's what I'm, I got that impression. Yeah.

Yeah. So you've never got one. I've never had a real snowball fight ever in my life. I mean, you can build up little like defensive positions. When I've been in the snow, I have taken, you know, you're usually wearing snow gloves, and it has taken me 20 years to make a snowball. Because of it, you're not, do you have the multi-fingers or you're going mittens? No, I got the fingers, but it's just like, I can't ever make a good snowball. So you've tried to have a snowball fight and you couldn't do it?

I guess so. It just feels like in order to have a good snowball fight, you need like, you need like 20, 30 snowballs. Before you start the snowball fight. If you were going to do a snowball fight, you would buy the machinery needed. You darn right, I would. You'd have trebishes. You'd have, you'd probably hire somebody to make the snowballs for you. If it isn't fully automatic, I don't want it.

Yeah. All right, you are up. I'm going snowball fight. What is your number one pick? Man, I'm between two. All right. I'm going to take the snowballs that I can make. Okay.

I'm going to take a snowman. Oh, a snowman. You can make a big... I can make a big... I can make three big snowballs. Yes. That is easy to do. But building a snowman is kind of like...

It's like the default first thing I do. Is it fine? Is it you enjoy it? Not really. You know, it's like... I build a small... Do you feel obligated once you see snow to build a snowman? I really do. Like, when I get in snow, almost always the first thing I do is like just start building up a little

snowman. I'm not making something life size. I'm just making a little tiny snowman on the ground. But that's really common. And my son, Isaac, always loves making snowman. Like, that's one of his, he enjoys it. Okay, all right. So you're going snowman.

I think it's a good pick. You've got another one. Oh, I got two? Well, that's great because I was between two, and that makes it easy. I'm a pee. I'm a peeing the snow. Yeah. I mean, I don't want.

Now, are you writing something? I'm writing my name. For sure. It depends on, you know, how full I am. I might need to go initials. but I'm usually I can get that whole thing one of the worst things about being named Bartholomew oh man good luck never actually get that whole name out without kidney problems peeing in the snow is a good time the hot and the cold put them together it just makes sense

as a as a man that feels like one of the true privileges I have right yeah because I can go right in the snow I think it's a lot easier for us but it's way easier yeah um so you're gonna you're build a snowman, then you're going to pee on him. I don't know if I'm going to pee on the snowman. Oh, okay. But I'm going to pee on the snow that built the snowman. And then I will build the snow. Okay, all right.

I'm going to go with sledding. Have you ever peed in the snow? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, many, many times. Always very curious of how well it will melt. That's the, how hot's my pee. Exactly.

Can I, like, can I just get a hole to form? What is the, do different people have different temperatures or, as a, all our pee the same temperature. I guarantee mine's hotter than yours. Oh, man, this is a competition. That's the better one? I don't know if it's good. I just know I run hot.

Does it burn when it's coming out? My pee runs hot too. Oh my gosh. We have to test this. I don't know about that. Can I go back to picking sledding? Sure. I'm picking sledding.

That is fun and it's also not like, like even when you're older, you can go grab a sled and go sledding. You don't have to go on the big. run or, you know, it's just a fun activity. Everybody wants to go fast through the snow and hopefully not hit a rock. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I'll go sledding and then the, I can't draft pee.

Yeah. Because that one's already gone. Poop. Poop and snow. I want to see how hot my dump is. Oh, man. I will go ice skating. Okay.

I will go ice skating as the picturesque fun thing to do in the snow. Now, I imagine that's fun if the snow is falling, too. I am so happy you picked ice skating because it is on my list. Ice skating in the snow seems like the way to do it. Like, I would imagine you're on a lake. Like, this is real ice skating. There's no like brought in, manufactured, refrigerated, you know, frozen water. This is nature's ice rink.

And I love that. But what I hate, and I mean hate, you have no idea. This is a fear. We're not talking. no oh no you're not afraid of falling through oh of course everyone is and should be but that's not where i was going oh that's that's terrifying um no but what i hate is ice skating i hate i hate i hate i hate hate it and that's the reason why i hate it because i am bad bad bad at it so do you fall i don't do it andy okay okay if i i skate i don't fall i don't put

myself in a situation to be able to fall. I'm usually like walking around the outside holding the wall. Oh, really? You're one of those? Yeah, I don't want to be there, man. Yeah. I'm not good. It's funny, too, because it went straight to my kids. I have a, I have a boy and a girl twins. And obviously, we don't get a lot of ice skating experience, right? In Arizona, we just, it's not, it's not a common thing. So when, when I took them ice skating, we were on a cruise that had an ice skating rink. Of course. And it's all cruises must. I forget which line, but one of the lines, they all have ice rinks in them.

Um, is, is pretty common. Anyways, um, my daughter, she was, she was a pro. She just, just was an ice skater. Oh, man. Your son? My son had a bad time. I mean, he was so angry. He was so upset at how.

Was this as bad as when you were like paddle boarding or whatever you were doing? Yes. It was just like that. He couldn't. do it. He was frustrated. And it's like you're out. And your daughter's just like pirouetting all over the boys. Yeah. And you're wanting to get you're just like, you've got to be out there for whatever the

allotted time is. So it's like you come in in 20 minutes. So he's just, it was awful. Were you a rollerblader? No. No, same thing. I don't have the, I don't have the school. Did you try? Nope. Oh, okay. Well, that makes more sense why you couldn't ice skate. Yeah. You really just didn't want to endeavor onto thinner amounts of putting your weight on. I didn't need to. Okay. I'd like run. I'd like run. You've lived your life

Just fine without it Yep All right Jason Back to you You have a snowman You've written your name With P Yep

As one is known to do And now it is time To select the next best thing To do in the snow All right I'm gonna take skiing Skiing is something You can't do without snow

You know what I mean You can ice skate Without snow I think for most people listening That have experience With snow they would be shocked that we took it at this stage of the draft

but I didn't feel like I could pick it because I've never been skiing ever. Really? Never. You've been skiing. All the deucers have you all been skiing? I've been water skiing. All right. Turn the mic off. Yeah, let's not let him do the talking

anymore. I have skied, I have never snowboarded. I'd like to try that. Okay, yeah. I have skied, I've not snowboarded. And you got a big concussion when you skied. I Oh, I had to have. I've only gone skiing once in my life. It was a ski trip, so it was a couple days of skiing.

But it was fun, and I felt like, I really felt like I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Unlike ice skating, I felt good at it. So you're like, let's do one last run. One last run. And then it really wasn't my fault. It was the kid going sideways. But anyways. And you went in, you ran into him?

I, he clipped my ski while I was going very fast. And then you ended up tumbling down the mountain? Oh, man. I wish I could have seen it or I had it on video. That'd be an all-timer. I definitely cartwheeled 100 times. I mean, it was not good. All right.

So you'll take skiing. You'll, you'll grab that one. It's a great value pick right now. Now, where I go to the snow most often, I love hiking. What? I'm not hiking in the snow the place where it snows when it isn't snowy I go hiking I go up to the cabin I love to hike I love to walk I do not like walking in the snow walking in snow is awful it sucks so I'm going to take a snowmobile that seems awesome I want to

ride around and watch all these people who can barely walk through snow and I hope I don't know for sure, but I hope like the back of my snowmobile kicks up a bunch of snow. Yeah, you can whip some snow in their face. Oh, absolutely. I'm going to be like that. Snowball fight. That car driving through the puddle while you walk down the street. That's you. Yeah. I think riding a snow would be awesome. For some reason, that seems way more fun than like an ATV when it's not like I have no, I have no desire when it, when it doesn't have snow. Like I want to walk. I don't want to take a little ATV. That doesn't seem fun. But put snow on there and I don't want to walk. I want to ride on a snowmobile.

I don't believe the words you're saying about walking or hiking. However, I've been on jet skis and I'm mad. That's how I think about it. And anybody in Ducer's alley been on a snowmobile? Not me. I've been water skiing. So look, that's a great pick. I just put it on my list and would love to have picked it.

I've never done it. It sounds great. is it back to me it should be my final two picks one i'm gonna go ice fishing because i'm just sitting and that sounds great i love sitting dude that's where i'm terrified and i know it's because the whole you're gonna fall into it i'm cutting into the frozen lake or river that just seems so dangerous and people obviously ice fish all the time know you know it's that i think it's safe You're only ice fishing when you need to core out a big... Josh, you've ice fished before, right?

I have. Oh, gosh, thank goodness. And, you know, you're just hanging out, you're fishing, you're in a shack, you're probably drinking something delicious. That's what I want to do. Okay. So that would be my first pick. The second one, man, I don't, I'm not taking that.

I'm not taking that. I'm going to say trying to build an igloo. really now is that do you build igloos out of snow or you're just doing that in the snow and you've brought like blocks of ice is it have to be ice we know nothing about snow um i know nothing about igloos here's what i know about igloos like i said an igloorbing an igloo is do you know what you describe an igloo an igloo is a small structure built of blocks of ice that somehow is supposed to keep you warm. That's literally what I think of it.

I don't know if that's right or not right, but that is like factually what my brain knows an igloo is. So, on today's episode of what did we learn today, I want to learn what in the world is an actual igloo. I feel like I've seen those survival shows where people dig out, like shelters. Igloo is a dome-shaped dwelling made from blocks of snow or ice. Okay. who typically used in the arctic region yeah that's what i love doing also known as snow houses or snow huts so

you're building the snow house yes that sounds fun that's pretty cool yeah so you got one final pick lucky i'm gonna go tubin tubin i'm gonna go tubin hmm i think uh that cool yeah very different yeah yeah you just were about to take snowboarding before this draft as we're as we find out order drafted. I'm like, I go sledding, tubing. He goes, those are the same thing. And now we took it. Well, because you took sledding first. Yeah, all right. You can do tubing. Tubing is it's very similar to the sled, only you're on a tube. Yeah. And it's really fun. And I'm going to be honest with you, Andy. I would rather go tubing than sledding. You got the wrong vehicle. Which one's more likely to eat it, like for you to fall? I feel like tubing.

feel like sledding sledding but if you fall tubing your tube is bouncy and soft whereas your sled will knock you out so you're saying it's better to be on a tube yeah yeah it's like but that's for like if you're not a pro or experience like the kids

would get on tubes and the pros would get on sleds yeah pro sledding is a huge huge thing I believe it's being added to the Olympics you notice neither of us drafted snow angels oh I forgot about that would that have been one of yours so it's cool, whatever. But like, to be honest, you got to lay down in the snow, man. Why is that fun?

Yeah, you do get pretty covered in snow. I don't understand why that would be. That's nowhere near as fun as peeing on the snow. What's the biggest snow, like playday mistake you've ever made? Because for me, it was, we did not buy our kids the waterproof gloves. Everybody had like mittens and stuff. And within two seconds, they had hypothermia. Yeah, that's a big problem. We don't know about snow people no what are snow who are snow people they sound scary hunting snow people is one of the my picks I didn't take oh we're going six rounds hunting snow people um what is this say out you're trying to tell me it says generally tubing is considered better if you want a carefree uh faster ride but with less control with less

control but sledding is better if you want more maneuverability and steering which i clearly you can steer a sled yeah you can steer a sled like without reindeer oh dagum and i had some on my With that reindeer? I, Oh, you forgot to pick something? I did. I was going to pick,

uh, you want to substitute tubing? Yeah, can you want me to can I? Go ahead and get rid of tubing. Dog sledding. That's what you'd like to do? Yes,

because I, like, you know, when you go mush, what's that called? Dog sledding. Oh my God. Well, I thought there was like a name for like a sport.

Wait, if, if that had been called something else, would you have taken the thing that said mush or the dog sledding? It's literally called mushing. I would take dog sledding. That name,

sucks. Mushing? Is that because of, we all read the books when we were young of the great dog sled races? Yeah, mushing is a sport or transport method powered by dogs. Yeah, that's dog. No, mushing is dog sledding. Yes, it is. It is.

Okay. Just like sledding is tubing, which I get both now. All right, that'll do for today's draft. Hold on. What did we learn today? If you get both, which one are you sitting on? Which one would you pick? I think I'm taking the sled still.

You liar. I think if you're up in the top of a hill and there's a sled and a tube. No, I've been on a tube on the top of a hill and when you go down in a tube, you absolutely have no control. You are out of control. Any direction you have not. When you're on a sled, I can lean left and right. I will say too on the tube, your bum is in like the hole of the tube and exposed to like rocks. Oh, yeah.

I've taken a rock in the bum on a snow tube. You're telling me. I guess what is, what kind of sled? All of them. You can just lean left and right And you can angle You can also take your feet out When I say

When I say a sled that you're doing a snow sled Describe what that looks like to me A snow sled? It can either be one of those plastic sleds That you get in that's like a Like a shield? Not a shield, no Because I've seen those where it's like

A sled shape Okay, is there metal There can be Bars under it An old school sled would be like a piece of wood with two metal outside pieces and it's shaped like a rectangle and you go down a hill. That seems fun except I feel like they don't make those for my size. That might be true.

And the tube. Unless you have reindeer. The tube, we can get you in there. All right. All right. What did you learn to do? I learned what an igloo was. I didn't know for sure.

Yeah, yeah. Boy, I learned what bum shuffling is when it comes to cleaning your house. And I am not going that direction. You're putting your feet in the toilet, you disgusting pig. Yeah. Not even a clean toilet, huh? I don't think so. It's a mental hurdle.

It's a p and poop goes there. Yeah. People will have a snowball fight. Take care, everybody. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.