Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Copyright Caroling & Things People Pretend to Like - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

It’s another unhinged episode of the Spitballers Podcast. From copyright caroling to a great round of What’s the Difference. The laughs are sure to flow all the way through one of our best drafts ever… Things People Pretend to Like. This is an episode you don’t want to miss! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bigot, big it, big it, bigot, big it, guys, I literally unplugged my headphones. Oh, man. You didn't know when it was? No, I had to guess. Did I get it right? Nope.

You are way late, way short, and terrible. It was funny. What's going on? I mean, you did. Holy crap. You kind of hit it in the window. So you pulled your headphones out. I did.

You couldn't hear the music at all. No, I could not. The confidence pre-show was like, I got this. No worry. You were so ready for this scat. And then you pulled your. headphones out. We have done a lot of laughing in the last time. I don't recommend

that for musical cues. No, that was one of your worst. What in the? But you did hit the window. With your bigotty, bigotty, bigity. You set me up well for next week where it will be my first time scatting in months. Are you looking forward to that? No, but now I know it doesn't matter.

If you pour your headphones out, it could work out better for you. It would work. Oh, I'll try that next week. I'll just be in the complete wrong spot. Oh, that's funny. Have you seen the, uh, the Whitney Houston challenge? Oh, where you have to hit the, the drumbeat, right? Yeah, yeah. You have to hit the downbeat on the, uh, uh, I will always love you. It's funny. And like, it's a weird, it's like a count of like six. Hmm. It's very weird. It's, they're funny videos. Yeah. Check them out. Jason, you should check

them out. All right. We'll look them up. Spitball to episode 351. Welcome in one and all. Would you rather? What's the difference? And we are drafting. I think it's a fun one. We're drafting things people pretend to like. Oh, there's so many things that y'all fart sniffers say you like that you're lying about. I'm not sure you guys are ready for my list. Oh, man. No, not ready?

You have the number one pick. I am. Is your number one answer, people? Sort of. I will say this. Sort of. There's one thing on my list that I'm. fairly confident i will draft like i know i'll draft it if it's available if you guys

drafted whatever okay that i believe will shock the world and make people so angry pissed off and angry at me what's funny is i have my one pick that i think i could get at any of the picks but sometimes just like when do you is it owl people pretend to like people pretend to like was it all i have to rethink my entire Hold on. Al, take your headphones out. Is it how boring? But seriously, it's like, no, our producer. I have my one pick where I'm like, when does this reset?

You better draft them 101 because I'm taking out with my second pick. So you better pull the trigger early. I promise you guys don't have my pick because you're, you lie to yourself. Oh, you think we like it. You think we really do like it? No, no, no, no, no, no. Or we pretend. I think you pretend to like it.

Oh, Oh, boy. And it's so, it's so easy. All right. It's so easy. I can't wait for this draft. No,

this draft is one I'm looking for too. Let's kick it off with some would you rather. I did hit it. I see the green thing on it. Would you rather? Would you rather get a new job? Adam from the website. Would you rather have to read two books?

per week minimum 250 pages no audio books or only be allowed to eat restaurant food six times per year oh that's such okay i thought it was going to be six times per two weeks six times and then i was like oh they'll probably make it harder six times per month have you guys all other meals have to come have you guys look new year is coming up have you guys ever in your new year's resolution I'm going to be a better me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Done the anything to do with reading. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I have a story about that. But go on. My story is, I told my wife, I'm one, this is not a high bar. No, I don't know. How many books? One book per month.

That's. Okay. That's doable. So to contrast, my sister. Okay. Yesterday completed her 100th book. Of what? of her life of the year

okay because that's insane 100 books finished it December 16th okay I want to quiz her on the third from last books so anyways just to make your point yours is 12 a year I also have a question you're just 12 a year okay uh

yeah yes yeah that's what my point yeah yeah what mine was one book a month I made it to one book okay one book in the first month that's one book per months did you complete that in January It was by end of year. It was by end of year.

I went, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on chapter a month is what you did. Hold on. 100. Your sister went 100 books? Okay. I was in a, you know how they have reading contests? As a kid? When you're a kid.

Yeah. You get a pizza. They used to. I don't know if they do that anymore. Has, if your kids have been in a, uh... No. Because we're not entertained by the library anymore, but go on. and there was like a whole hullabaloo about the amount of books I read because mine were one picture.

Coloring books. No, no, no, no, no. No, they were real books. But they were like one picture for every two pages. And you counted pages. You did that on purpose. Rules are rules. Guys, I was given a threshold of rules.

And I played within the rules. Good for you. And what about this one book for the whole year? Any pictures? But hold on. Before I go to that, I got the trophy that year. Congratulations. Any pictures in your one book you finished?

No. There was no pictures in that book, but it was just, I really thought I was going to do it. It was just one. I made it through one. She said that the hundred, she'll never do it again. It was a goal she set, and then it got, it became a burden. It became a burden. Well, let's just 100 books in a year.

There's 52 weeks. 52. Yep. That's two books a week. You're talking for the most part, two books a week. But this question, this question is two, wait, would you rather read two books per week? Oh my gosh, that's what this is. Or only be allowed to eat restaurant food six times a year. All right. I don't think you understand how few six times a year. You get three meals a day. And this says eat restaurant food, not go out to a restaurant. So this is ordering or going out. Six times a year is not like 10% of your meals. meals. It's not like 5% of your meals. No, it's one every other month. It's not 1% of your meals. It is not 1% of your meals. It is 0.5% of your meals. Literally, it's no meal. It's impossible. What's your current

percentage? Of meals? Restaurant food. I don't mean ordering from Instacart. I know. Didn't Saturday Live do this? Yeah, the Uber Eats, uh, wrapped. They did the wrapped. Dude. I don't, I'm not even talking about Uber. It's just like going to a physical restaurant. If I got a wrapped for eating out, it would be embarrassing? It would

be. It would be a hundred books a year embarrassing? It would be devastating. Just a devastating. More than 100, I'm sure. Yeah. Per month. Yeah. Yeah. Per month. No, if I got a wrapped for how many times I eat

out versus eat in, oh my God. Guys, it would be It would, I would never, which you're not to want to know about it. I just did. I would never share that number with you guys. And I, and I tell you guys a lot, I tell you guys, yeah, embarrassing, embarrassing things about like, because you guys are my friends. I would never tell you that.

I just did the math. Never. I was very genuine. I did the math of three meals a day. I would never share that number. Breakfast, lunch, a dinner. How many meals are you eating? How many meals do we cook?

How many meals do we go out? I did the math. And I'm going to, I'm going to round here a little bit. Just a very little. It was like, point something. but basically 25% of my meals 25% this is zero percent of meals 25% of my meals which I I'm proud of are cooked oh man I thought you were going the other direction I was 75% of my meals are from a restaurant don't talk don't talk wonderful set up get out of here

no no get out of four meals are ordered or gone to my guy I don't know if you could do. My guy. Could you pull off the two books a week at 250 pages eat? I could not. I literally could not. What's the page threshold? It's minimum 250, no audio books.

I mean, you're committing at least two hours a day, more than that? I mean, that's the commitment. Can I, can I combo? Can I do a Kindle audio combo? No, it says no audiobooks. Correct. Because the Kindle, well, here's what I've learned. the book audio combo. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

We're counting audio books against people. We're learning, man. Let me tell you, for the normal adult reader, the normal adult reader, a 250 page book takes never read. Take six. Never read. It's not read by anybody. Nobody takes what? Never. Six to ten hours. So you're committing 12 to 20 hours a week to these books. Because here's the thing, guys. You want 12 to 20 hours a week back or a restaurant? Here's the thing. we're all like when i say new york times bestseller for us of our age right that does something to you like you you feel you think it's worth reading yeah do you know how many books that is no i don't 25 what 25 books what what do you mean if you're on the new york times best seller list in the top 25 total you sold 25 books what what that's not true it's not true guys i'm making this up oh okay i'm being hyperbolic my

point is no one reads books. We listen to books. You might. I mean, people do read books. No, I'm with Mike. I don't. I don't read. I, so earlier this year. Go to the docers. Go to the docers. Go to the docers. Books read. Red. Red. Not listen to. Red. Complete books. Zero. I was at a half, but if we're only counted complete. No, you got to read. The thing with the book is you got to round down. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be a zero. So wait, we're at zero. Zero. I think I'm at like a couple. Really? Yeah. You've read a page by page. I think I've read a couple. I've read a couple. Eyeballs. No, no, no, no. Hold on. Pages. Every page? I think so.

Wow. I think a couple. You're the smartest man alive. Not audio, though, because I know you like your audio. Yeah, yeah. I read a lot of audio books. 20, 25. You've read? I don't know about 2025. Yeah, okay. So 2024. I remember one. 25, I remember four audio. Five audio. I read. I read. I read. I read. a lot more than I've ever read this year genuinely in my life we're coming to the end of this year it's December right now I have read far more than pretty much almost all my years I'm at zero this is all audio so I've read about your fantasy books those aren't audio I thought you sat in a rocking chair smoking a cigar I started with the book I loved holding it I loved reading it how much did you love it did you not finish it it's so much easy These are and better when you listen. Like, they're just better.

They know the characters. They know where it's coming from and where it's going. Like, they do a better job reading it than I do, and it's quicker. My wife reads from the Kindle a lot. She reads a lot of books. She's probably done at least 25 or 30. Probably more than that. Nerd.

But she reads every night and she reads on her Kindle. And now she's got this new contraption. It's like a pillow that holds the book out in front of you. And then she has a clicker in her hand for the page turning. What? Hold on. A physical page turning? A physical book.

No, no, no, no, no. It's a Kindle. Oh. So it hooks up to, hold on, hold on. It hooks up to the Kindle. It's a Bluetooth page turner. Yes, for her Kindle. So she snuggled up in bed.

Hold on. And she holds it. So she doesn't have to reach. So she doesn't have to reach for the Kindle. I made comments about a Kindle. I don't own a Kindle. Yeah, yeah. How does one turn a page?

You touch the right side of the screen. You just tap it, right? You tap the right side of the screen. But Mike, you have to lift your arms. But the, the. the screen, the Kindle, the thing you're holding. Yeah. Bottom right, you just tap it. No, just out of the right side. All of the right side. How the whole

entire right side? How whole right side? How far away is the book? Is it out of arms reach from her when she? Not at all. No, no, but it's. Does she read through binoculars? It's like she, yes, I hold it across the room. How does this, how does this product exist? Well, enough people are like, ah, I would love to read, but I got to touch that right side. She loves it. She loves it. it. Well, I can't. Because before she'd lay in bed and she'd be holding the Kindle in front of her. Now this thing holds it up in front of it. Yeah. And she cuddles, she cuddles the pillow and she holds a clicker in their hands. Well, I mean, people make this for real. Do you know this? They have

rings. No. They have rings for their phone. Yes, because you set accessibility settings on your phone and the ring does the accessibility thing. So you're telling me they're watching their phone. And they just, oh my gosh. We watched the movie Wally. And we were like, ha, blah, blah, blah, blah. Imagine. Imagine the world where we end up like that. She, yeah, it's what it is.

We're like three. She's so happy. We're so close to that. She's so happy. And Jason's ordering one of the reels rings right now. I, when, when, we'll look it up. When is the blink one? Where you just look at the page.

Oh, and you blink? Honestly, they need to be, every, the reels should be in the glasses themselves. This is unbelievable. I know. And so anyways. Eat a Bluetooth device. None of us are keeping up with two a week. We're without restaurants, okay?

No, I can't do. I cannot do 100, 99.5% of my meals cooked at home. I can't do that. I will have to read. I will look up, I will chat GPT, tell me every book that is exactly 250 pages. Oh, you'll try to go bare minimum. I will have to if I'm going to try to finish it. How size 18 font?

Yes. How? Okay, so we all, we all have children in high school, right? Yep. How are they doing, like, reading requirements right now? Because it was like, like, I'm going to flashback. I try to get my son to read books of recreational form, and he says, I've got too much to read at school. But I'm saying, like, us 20 years ago, we're in high school, because that's our age.

We're like, man, how do I get away with this? And you're like, I go get a cliff notes, right? Yep. Yeah, they do that. The equivalent. Yeah. And now you have chat GBT. Yeah. How do you make anyone read a book right now? This is a whole discussion because you could actually make a pretty compelling argument as to the needlessness of a lot of the reading that they do.

And look, and I'm on team reading is good for you. I think it's good for it. I'm on, I don't, just like my-pro reading. We all combined for one book this year. As a five-pack. As a five-pack, we got to one. We have combined read one book. We each read a chapter.

We agree that it's super important. We're on team like, you eat healthy, you sleep, and we don't do these things. Right. But I'm just saying like, because we're on those teams, we don't do those things because we can get away with not doing it. Can I tell you? When a kid is like, hey, read the great Gatsby and they're like, sure, chat GPT. give me the summary of great Gatsby where I can fake to a teacher that I've read it

how do we possibly do this and why do we why why do we need to combat it here's the thing oh oh big tech's in the house I think the discipline of reading is value I agree with that I don't disagree I think the act of physical reading not just listening to audio books

physical reading is valuable it's valuable for your brain your mind your yep everything but so like my twins they're very heavily into theater that's their life they're they're getting ready to apply to colleges and all they're into theater or

are they into theater they're into theater they're very serious this is this is film this is cinema this isn't a movie this is the equivalent they are into theater okay we we already know but so I was a theater major in college like that was that was what I went to school for and there is a universal rule that is ingrained in you

and it is legitimately important it is very real when you are doing a monologue which you have to put together for all these auditions and whatnot you have to read the script and they tell you you've got to read the script twice you have to know every nuance of the character

why they're here you can't just read this monologue in a monologue book and then go perform it and try to say the words right you don't know the character they want you to have contact they won't you have the context what kind of I'm not I didn't go to school for theater

What? Are we Shakespeare? No, no, no. I mean, whatever, but let's say not Shakespeare. Is it a modern, just a modern, just a modern, uh, modern, uh, you know. Could be a monologue from Mamma Mia or something. Yeah, like whatever, whatever current modern play production is happening. From Mama Mia? Yeah, I threw that one in there. That thing is an abomination. So my, my kids had a, an audition last summer for a, uh, uh, summer program and was a mama me it was not mamma me it was a really like high level program

and they did a last minute like they didn't find out about until like the day before auditions were due okay and so yada yada yada yada they killed it without reading the whole script i chat gpte the monologue yeah and the character and i asked chat gp t all the questions like well what is what is the character's backstory why would this matter tell me every detail of why this scene would matter and it told me in about three paragraphs every freaking thing I needed to know about the character without reading the script did it say reading is done it's over did it say did you used to retire reading i just retired reading what did it say though was it like stopping a nerd just pretend like you're this person but you got to know who that person no you don't no you don't how dare you denigrate

acting i will i will you know what you've never watched a movie where that that actor did not know the character. I 100% have. There's a few of them. There's a few actors out there. All right. So final answer here so we can move on. I'm reading.

I can't. We got to do the... I got to eat a restaurant. I'm eating six times here. It's going to be special timeout. I can't do two a week. I can't give up 20 hours a week. That's because your wife doesn't be cooking.

Yeah, that sounds like a man who doesn't cook ever. This is easy. Ever. My restaurant's at home. You don't have to... I get home and my restaurant's done. You can still eat like lunchables and stuff like that. You don't have to

cook every meal. It just has to come from a grocery store. I'm not ashamed of my wife's cooking. Yeah. But there's a reason why... It's a great job. There's a reason why we're... What's wrong with your wife's cooking? I just love to read. It doesn't exist. You just love to read. Reading is valuable. It does not exist. Oh, and from the website, if you were a professional

music artist, would you rather have one of your songs be the opening scene of a new blockbuster movie? Okay. Or in the final scene. Easy answer. What? Oh, final scene. Oh, easy answer. read it again what's more iconic read it again if you're a professional music artist you want it in the opening scene of a new blockbuster movie or the final scene of a blockbuster movie the big finish

or the oh man how the movie begins and to me oh man i'm gonna say so i'm curious my i'm curious my music man i want you to answer last i oh my goodness so i'm opening scene i'm 100% opening scene yeah i feel like that's the iconic um that's what comes to my mind right now with songs when you yeah forest gump that's it that's it you do do do do that's what's in my head that's what's in my Because once the movie has become a blockbuster, it's like, this movie is awesome. That's normally when you're falling asleep in the theater. That's the final scene for you. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, no, the opening scene sets the stage. The music is what you, because you don't know the characters, you don't know the scene, you don't know anything. What sets the stage is the music. So to me, it's definitely, I would rather have the opening. But Mike, you're- I think it's the opening. Okay. We solved it then.

But I, oh, man. name of name here here's the thing we just instantly named the beginning opening music of an iconic movie that stuck with us for decades name one final scene great music it was only in the final scene final yeah final biggest the biggest that's impossible exactly the top of my head so we just answered no no no no no no no no feel like braveheart final final scene off the top of my head is impossible but it's like I can get you songs that are not the opener what about the fight scene in Star Wars, Phantom Menace.

Isn't that like kind of a... Isn't that the final scene, basically? Yeah. That's a good final scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, it's like... I was just showing my youngest son, John Williams. Hold on, hold on.

Wait, you were showing him what? The composer for Star Wars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were listening to Home Alone and... Heck yeah. But here's the thing. like the movie Frozen What's the song from Frozen guys

The song from Frozen It's not the opening song No no it's the let it go Which is towards the end Yeah but that's what I mean of like So that's what I mean of like the closing scene Yeah Is final answer then that's tough

But if your if your options are The opening scene or like Something from later in the movie That's very difficult That's very, very difficult. Final answer. I'm going opening. Yeah.

Be the eye button. I mean, if I have to go between those two, because I don't have time to research, I guess I'm going opening. They said we might get a copyright strike on YouTube because of how well we did the John William's song. That we straight stole that orchestra. All right. Last question here on Would You Rather, Dakota from the website. Have you guys ever thought? about doing music

Acapella Acapella But Acapella Movie themes Like For sure Only movie themes Acapella

But like Dana Donna Do you doing Jaws Yeah Donna Dude we could crush that Okay

We call it Trainitonics Stop Opening song Right Right That's not an opening song

That wasn't That wasn't during the opening credits I don't think so I don't know I don't know I don't know Jaws well enough

No that's it Sorry Steve Dakota from the Westside Your movie's old What's Jurassic Park That's a closing scene Come on guys That's the entire movie

Trade of tonics That's the entire movie We're good We are good This is a bad show Dakota You must change one thing about your current sweat patterns

All the other things remain unchanged Would you rather sweat twice as much Or start sweating twice as fast or have it smell twice as bad smells out smells out no one wants to smell twice as bad right away twice as fast what's it even mean i mean did you what do you mean you start working out and you sweat jason twice as fast if you started sweating twice as fast you would never stop sweating but wait that means like instead of you're saying i would sweat

more than twice as much if i started twice as fast you yes just how about yes yes yes How about Jeremy? No, but Jeremy can't start sweating faster. He can't start sweating fast. I haven't stopped sweating in years. He also sweats a liquid that is wetter than water. I mean, you'd like to be able to do some basic things around the house without sweating. So if you sweated twice as fast, you would sweat really quickly.

That's twice as fast as fast. So the issue I have, you're picking smell? You're taking smell? Because you already, once you smell, you're already like, once you smell, once I smell, I smell. But until that point, I can have sweaty stuff and I can be okay. If I smell another human, a bad smell. Right. B-O, body odor.

Yeah. If I smell another human. I didn't know what that meant. Some people might not. I am disgusted beyond what is acceptable. If I, if I'm walking, if I'm in a lobby. I understand. I'm just, I'm not even that sensitive.

Like, my wife is crazy sensitive. Is your wife? I'm not. No, but if she does, you know, I mean. Does she ever smell? Yeah, we've been together 20 years. How bad? How bad?

How bad your wife didn't you? Tell me the worst your wife has ever smelled. What kind of question? The worst is that? Shut up. Tell me the worst. The worst. Give me the date.

What were you doing? Date and time. What did she just finished accomplishing? That's the premise of that question is out of hand. Here's the truth. When anyone smells, my wife included, it's not even a matter of how much. It's not like you smell so bad. If you smell bad, once you cross the threshold from not bad to bad, it's disgusting.

It doesn't go to 10% gross. It goes to you are disgusting. right off the back. Oh, so I see your point. Once you, once you pass it, it doesn't matter anymore. No, you're right. It doesn't matter. You're actually right. Once you're at 10 per, as soon as your 1% smell bad. Thank you. You might as well be a thousand percent smell back. Thank you. You are a piece of worthless trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got to get in the shower. Oh my gosh. I think Mike was right. It's not a bad. I don't want to sweat twice as much. Jason's wife. Because then I would sweat as much as Jeremy. This conversation is,

is out of control. Jeremy, go to the deucer's team. Yeah, what would you choose? Go to the juicer's skin. Jeremy. How much are you sweating right now?

What's the worst your wife has ever smelled? Great question. My wife smells great all the time. No, no, no, but what's the worst? All right, okay. All right, go to Mike's solo cam. Michael. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was your wife, in your memory, what was the situation that made your wife smell the worst of your entire memory? You're almost going on to 20 years. I want you to think of the worst. she's ever smoked. It had to be the one time she cooked. No, no, it's not cooking. It's diarrhea. Oh! And we're back to my wife's diarrhea.

All right. Welcome back to the show. Goodness gracious. That's not body owner. We needed a break. That's internal order. We needed a break. And you know what? We have another segment.

What's the difference between me and you? Me and you. Thanks for listening to the podcast. What's the difference? You thank them. I will apologize. I apologize that you are listening to this podcast. What is the difference between squishing something,

smashing something, and crushing something? Okay, squish. See, you just did a physical movement with squish. Yeah, because squish is like. Squish is Like if you had a stress ball You'd be squishing a stress ball. A squish is not physical

Squish has liquid. No, no, no. You can't squish something with your foot. You can absolutely squish something. No, you can. Not unless you have really dexterous toes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Squish is about the texture.

No. Squish is, squish is, between fingers, between toes. Squish doesn't crumble. You know what I mean? A bug squishes. Because of its gut. Because it's gut.

A squish is, you love squish and bugs. When a bugs squishes. Sorry, PETA. We got to bring this up. Do we though? Oh, well, do now. No, no, no, no. Now we do.

Bring it up. Bring it up. I talked about my. This is not good. Yeah, I know. We're going to get it. No, no, we're not what? From who, PETA?

Yeah. From PETA? All right. We talked about, I don't even, I don't remember what episode. This might have been a greatest hits. Is that the sound of the bug being squeezed? That's the sound of PETA. meetings um so we had a we had an episode where i talk about i'm a severe arachnophobic like i i can't

stand spiders i can't handle my guy has a phobia i have a phobia and it's like people have phobias of clowns or heights or whatever it doesn't mean they're necessarily bad or evil clowns aren't evil heights aren't bad you're irrationally scared yes i'm irrationally scared about spiders it's not because i think they can kill me it's because they're ooey gooey creepy because they are demonic monsters that are the spawn of Satan. And so I think I'm fair about spiders, knowing that they are literally the spawn of Satan. And so, like, if I could exterminate all spiders, I would. If I could snap my fingers and they're all gone, I would do it.

Anyways, I don't know what we said or what I said. It was probably about stepping on a spider or something. We got an email. You should check out the... Somebody from PETA was trying to be polite and kind. Oh, they were very kind in there. And wanted you to send you like a way to remove a spider safely, but that would involve you removing a spider. If they think it was like, we've got this device.

They said somebody else could do it for you. Okay. Not in my house. I would recommend for the guy on PETA who wrote in, listen to the episode where we talk about things that you throw off a building. Just because you just skip the hippopotamus parts. This is a satire show. We sell stupid jokes. We're talking about our stinky wives.

It's okay if we talk about stepping on a spider. People do it. It's okay. Also, I would call that pet tea because, you know, it's not animals. It's an ethical treatment of insects, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, what was the question? Oh, so we're squishing bugs and spiders.

Smashing, squishing, crushing. So, okay, crushes. Crushes in here. Crushing, first thing I think of is. a car at a one of those crushing like you crush the car i am telling you the difference between all right crushing and squishing is liquidity period you can't you cannot you can't crush something that is liquid you can't do it if there's any liquid in it it's not crushed so like a squeeze it right you don't crush a squeeze it if i've crushed so many squeeze it

well you i mean if if there was a person in the car when you crushed it it could be a little squishy There's squishy parts But you crush the car And then there's part of the front seat Go squish But you see what I'm saying The math checks out, right? Yeah, but what's about smashing?

That's okay, well let's get into that Because that's different I know that you can squish a bug You can squish What is, water balloon In your fingers You can squish like some What do the kids make?

They make the slime Slime? Oh, squishy slime Yeah, yeah You can't crush slime Because it's squishes. It's uncrushes. It's uncrushed.

What happens if you step on a piece of cake? What are you doing? Smashing? Oh. Crushing? I think you're smashing. I think you might be smashing. I think smashing, though, has to deal with anger.

Like, can you smash something gently? No. Right? No. You can't be like, you can't. You can't take a Voss and gently smote. A Voss. What's that?

He's a Fianer guy. Don't forget. It's a fancy vase. A Vos. Kloor. How do you spell color? C-O. L-O-O-U-R-E

Kloor But yeah, I mean Smash No, no, Hulk smash What is Hulk's the whole thing? Hulk doesn't squish No, no, it's not Hulk's squish What?

But what is his secret? Mike, what is the Hulk's secret? That he's angry. That's what smashing is. When you go to a smash room, you're gonna, you are, you are angry. Smashing has to have emotion. Oh, squeeze.

You can't. You can't unemotionally smash something. Yeah, we're good. Smash burgers. Oh, crap. Oh, man. But I feel like there's a little bit of anger in it. You got to be a little violent.

Why'd you got to bring up? Yeah, no, we're moving on. Crushing is the most, it's the heaviest. You can crush, you can't squish everything. You can crush everything. I can crush. What's the difference between a concert, a performance, and a recital? Concert?

Which one can I skip if my kid's a part of it? Concert. Concerts are a performance and a recital. Well, I know which one's the worst. The recital? A recital. If I hear the word recital, I'm like, lowest level. How can I be out of this?

Lowest level. We have to come up with a system where you can walk in, see your child and walk out. There's no professional. There's no professional recital. I don't need to see your kid, Mike. You don't need to see my kid. Jason, you don't need to see Mike's kid. Oh, my gosh, Andrew.

Just walk in. You're speaking. You are speaking language that all parents. This is universal humanity. Why aren't we doing this? Not one parent. Stop it. We talk about things we pretend to like.

If there's a person now that says they like their kids recital, you're a liar, or you have a phone that's really fun to play on while the other kids are performing. And you're in the back row. It's insane. I've gone into those where they don't have Wi-Fi. There's no professional recitals, right? No. No one could ever be paid to go to those recital.

You can't charge tickets to a recital. Recital implies amateur. Yeah. And the fact that, look, you can have a recital with literally only the people who care about the performance. If my child is up and it is just me, my wife, some extended family, that is a recital. I don't need Billy and Bobby's mom pretending that they want to see my kid going, On a violin. Just stop it.

Just stop it. A concert I can have fun at. Oh, yeah. We want to go to concerts. You buy tickets. You buy tickets to a concert. I don't know about this performance thing. Well, performance is different because the other two kind of imply music.

Yeah. Performance is more theater. Performance is there's more than music. You can't go to a band. Gymnastics. What is that? Is that a performance? No.

Oh, no, no, no, hold on. No, I don't think that's a performance. I don't know. I don't think gymnasts would whatever be like, are you coming to my performance? That's competition. Yeah, that's competition. Because there's judges. Yeah.

A magic act. Is that a performance? But, you know, nothing, nothing music. There is no music event ever. There's music at a magician's performance. No, no, no, because there's more than music. I'm not saying there's no music. If there's a musical theater show, that's a performance.

But it can't just be music. If it's just music, you would never call it a performance. Ever, ever, ever. No world. But can I complain about my kids' school real quick? Yeah! Great. Dude, I would love nothing more than this.

Because you pay for it, so go on. Yeah, it's a private school. It's very specific private school. So complain. What do you buy for no reason? I just had to go to... The tuition? Well, the tuition is one thing.

But I had to go to a choir performance. Oh, not a recital? No, that's not a performance, right? It's a choir. No, it could be a performance. It's not a concert. Here's a thing. Okay, so recital sounds like rehearsal.

It sounds like it. It feels like it once you're there. Yeah, recital is rehearsal in front of people. This choir event. Performance is fine. Here's a problem. So my middle schoolers, this is not a joke. I'm not making this up.

I have high schoolers and a middle schooler. They're both in choir in different concerts. And. Wait, hold. Okay, time out. Time out. you have you have two twins one set of twins yes yeah okay well i didn't want people think i got four kids there no i don't have twins okay you have one set of twins which to me

infers or implies i don't know the right word they're at the same age yes okay i just want to make sure what the definition of twins is yes what it implies it means it are or in first he's not sure if it applies which one is it just means neither it's they are they are they are it's a fact. Hold on, hold on. Two children. Twins that are two years apart. Two children that are the same age, only minutes apart. Yes. They're indifferent? No. No, but my middle schooler is in a different

choir. Oh, oh, you're the youngest. Okay. And my high schoolers are in a high school choir. And so that's sometimes bad enough when they've got these together. But what my school did, and this was like two weeks ago, okay, is they had a two and a half hour choir and band combined no no combined so every single person there all of them every parent there every parent there everyone all of them had to sit through half of the thing that their kids couldn't participate in because no one that no one was in both not one kid went over from the band to the choir

how many kids are in this band it felt like 700,000 it was like no no no but how many kids are actually in the band. 50. Yeah, exactly. Totally enough to do their own thing. Yes. Yeah. No, no, no, no. How many kids are in choir? No, no, no, no. 50. A children's band. Yeah. No. I'm sitting there through. I've got to wait for my middle school choir to go up, but I've got to wait through the band that I don't know anyone there. No. I don't. And we're not that good. You know what I mean? Of course they're not. They're learning. I'm proud of them. You have like 73 years to live. You didn't have time for this. But then they do an hour break followed by the high school choir and band together for another hour. What happens in the hour break?

Did you just wait? I waited in my truck. I went out to my truck and I waited. What did they bring you? They're swapping out the middle schoolers for all the high schoolers. And he had to be at both. No, there's like a five six hour of being so many kids. They got like hot dogs, right?

That would be helpful. That would be helpful. Is there any concessions at all? No, no, no. They did have some hot cocoa. They don't have ticket sales to help. It's not an hour. It's not an hour.

It's not an hour. It's not a hour. It's not a lot. Hold on. They don't have an hour. Anything satiating for an hour. They should have had a food truck, right? Yes.

For the break. Of course. Every school does this. Here's what else they do. They'll tell you your kid, the recitals at six. They'll say your kids need to be there at 4.30. Uh-huh. And then you go, what am I supposed to do from 4.30 to 6?

Yep. And then there's a parking lot of parents sitting in cars because they want the kids there an hour and a half early to the event that happened then you do a two and a half hour event and then you get an hour break in the park a lot then you got a two and a half hour event for the other you did and the entire time you know every single parent there is thinking either this is my small moment where I get to watch my kid or this is all the kids I don't know and don't care about it's not good we need to fix this we're taking a break we're drafting right after the spitballers draft well we are drafting things people pretend to like things people pretend to like mike

you have the first pick there are a lot of answers what are you going with the number one thing so i talked i talked about at the top of the show i said i i have it they have the answer i don't know when it needed to come out but this other the other conversations of this show have led me I have to take it first for the integrity and the honor

I love that of a spitballers draft the thing that people pretend to like other people's kids oh get wrecked get wrecked

other people's I barely like my own kids you think I like your kids but you act like you like them even more than you like anyone else because you have to you have to act like I mean I don't I don't

guffaw over my kids the way I would guffaw over someone else's kids you know what I mean it's like this has been brought this has been made I just what a great one oh one I said the tone guys other people's this is a great answer and this is brought like this was always the case And then social media has made this into a little bit worse.

No, it's because you post about somebody else's kids. And then I have to reply to your post about your kids with a thumbs up or I like you. Otherwise, you think I don't like your kids. It's a social construct of appreciating each other's kids. And you know what? When we don't, I don't know their names. We don't have to do this. I don't know your kids names.

We don't have to do this. Just raise your kids, man. You know what I'm dealing with mine. Yeah. You know what the thumbs up? You give them love. Do you know what the, when I thumbs up your post about your kids? it means I'm thumbs-uping you.

I'm like, dude, you're alive. Nice post. You're doing it, man. You made a post. You're living with your kids. Way to live. The worst. So, good work. Other people's kids. You do pretend to like them more than what is true. And that's not to say there aren't other people's kids that I do adore and love. Sometimes it can be real.

But all the time, I pretend it's true. One of my answers on my list that I will not pick now because of that answer is kids' birthday's party. birthday parties. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You've got to, not only do you have to pretend, you've got to pretend, and you've got to pay to pretend. That's one where I... Because you've got to bring a gift. Sure. That's one where I genuinely don't like my, even my own kids parties, and I still pretend that I do. That's just like, I hate, I hate this party. Here's the thing. We all know.

We got the kids, if you have kids, you know if your child is likable. Do you like? Yeah, you do know that. You do know if your kids are likeable. End of discussion. Yep. And you know what? I hope my kids are listening right now. All right, Jason, you are up things. People pretend to like. All right. I'm going to bring the heat right off the bat. I was thinking I was going to wait. I was going to let this one slide because I don't think anyone else would pick it because people love this. It's the only right way. It's correct. And here's the thing. Of the three of us, I'm the food connoisseur. You are. I am the chef. Yes. I am also the steak master. I might eat a tenderloin too late, but I make tenderloins, fillets, ribbys. I love it all. You're a meat man. I have no

idea where this is going. I'm going to be really honest and I'm calling out the entire world and especially my world. My world of, I think I know where this is going. I love fancy, highly made, very curated meat. Okay.

People pretend to love the best. The only way to get it, medium rare. You have to order medium rare on your stakes. You have to. It's the only right way. I know people are going to be like, people are mad at me right now because this is off brand. They assume I'm a medium rare guy. What are you? I'm a medium guy. I'm the best guy. The truth is, I had rare stakes on my list. Rare. Sure. Well, that's a similar thing. Not many people. My medium rare. The reason I'm doing medium rare is because it is Mike likes medium rare. He orders it, but he doesn't like it as much as medium.

No, I. Exactly. He's pretending that that you're forcing. Hold on. I fully agree because I want to talk through this one. I really want to talk through this one. I'm doing some self-evaluation. You're not, you're not tougher.

Because I order medium. Okay. All right. Yeah. I will eat a medium rare. Me too. But it's not as good. I want it medium.

Yes. It's so here's, gosh, darn it. I know. Here's the thing. The reason why. I wanted to bring this. The reason I want to bring this one to the table is because genuinely people who care. Yeah, we want it. We want it medium. But the people who really like are supposed to care and pretend to care, they will always be medium rare. When you go

to the fancy steakhouse, they will recommend it medium rare because it's great. Because it comes medium. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. The reason I order medium is because I feel like it comes more medium rare than it does medium well. Because no one would ever want a medium rare. It's like, so here's the truth. Yeah. Moo.

Here's the reason why medium rare is supposed to be better. Because if you overcook a steak, you completely ruin it. You do. If you have medium well, you took a good piece of meat. Get your ketchup out and your steak. And you ruined it. You turned it into an absolute break. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. The face.

What do you guys? The face. When you order a steak, what do you order? Medium, every time. Nice. Papa Josh? Medium rare. Yep, you pretending. So let me talk to Papa Josh.

Oh, I know, I know, Andy's medium well. Oh, I know, I know Andy's medium-up. Andy orders a burger patty. That's fine. He doesn't count for that. I grew up with well. Yes, gross. You ruin a steak when you overcook it.

So therefore, people are saying it's more tender and more flavorful when it's medium rare. But when it's got that deep red center, it is flat out. chewy. It is not as good as a truly medium cooked steak. It's not. And there's no flavor difference. This is so box time. And so, yeah, this is really so box time. Because I used to always be medium rare. Always be medium rare. Every time because that's what you're supposed to do if you're a steak guy. And I would try to cook it there and I would try to, I would always order it medium rare because I want them to know, I know what I'm doing. I'm sophisticated. Yeah. Don't be shamed out there. Mediums are better than medium rare. All right. You took other people's kids.

You took medium before we move on because it's steak related. Jason. A1. Awesome. Okay. Okay. This is a man of the people. Now, do I eat it with all my steaks? My steaks are pretty awesome. They don't need A1. But I love it. My steaks don't need A1. I do mean that. If I'm out a restaurant, I don't like it. I'll be like, do you have A1? Great. But even a good steak, it can still be enhanced with A1. I will not. never, when I make my stakes, I offer my people. Would you like some A1? Because it's awesome. My number one pick is the in-laws.

Oh, I can see that coming that wasn't on my list and that's such a good answer. You don't have a choice. And Josh, go to dozer's alley. Oh, Papa Josh staring him down because your in-laws, Andy, are his parents. He was looking over. I'm not speaking. I'm just saying in general. People.

People. Other people. I'm just saying most people Not just Josh's parents Isn't Josh technically He's technically my brother-in-law Right Quick, go to Jeremy

Go to Jeremy, Jeremy, how do you feel about your in-laws? Love him Yes, perfect answer Go to Mike Go to Mike, how do you feel about your in-laws I can't hear you This is an audio episode Oh, his mic must be not working

He's got the face that says I love him Okay, go to my solo I love my in-laws I'm very lucky No you don't I've been to lunch with you Look I love mine too I genuinely do

In-laws go wide don't But the people The majority of people Of things you have to pretend There's nothing like the social awkwardness Of having to love everybody that is related To your spouse You have no choice

I don't even love all my family If you like them you're lucky Right If you like them you're lucky If you don't like them Truly. If you don't like them, you have to pretend anyways. Yeah, you're not allowed to say that you don't love your in-laws.

We are drafting things people pretend-al-like. This is our best draft ever. Not things that I pretend-to-like. We are exposing social nonsense. The other thing. I got great news. My in-laws, don't listen to my podcast. That's the good news.

That's good news for you. They might get sent a clip, though. My second pick. It pays for their life, but they don't listen to it. Oh, my gosh. Oh, yes. Show moment of all time. What episode is this?

It pays for their life, but they don't list 351. Yes. The best part about this, I will never hear about it ever. You'll never hear anything. You'll hear about, oh, this is great. Mike is, man. I'm living free. This is awesome. Number two, dressing up.

Oh, yes. dressing up Yes Sweat fans Yeah Mike's wearing sweats Right now Mike already made the I love to get fancy

In a tuxedo I mean You don't You want to be uncomfortable You know what I love I love when I have to button That top button Oh yeah

And put the tie Tie on Dressing up When the girls Got to wear their High heels They love Walking around

And dressing up Means I spin More to be Less comfortable Right And probably My temperature Is not controlled

The way I want it to be Of course people what a stupid thing we do i mean and and and to to credit modern day i mean this was very much the norm for the the working culture in in the 5060s that's how you went you had to dress up yes now we're much now we're like oh that's uncomfortable yeah we're like that was dumb and you don't have to look bad and comfortable clothes no there's comfy good looking close no but dressing up you ever seen that uh the swoot have you ever dressed up like if if you were to say i have to

dress up. Like if this is, it's an event, whatever it is, where you say, I have to dress up. Not like I'm going to a good restaurant, but you say, oh, I have to dress up for this. Has there ever been a time that you can think of in your life where you would qualify it with, I have to dress up for this event where it has been

comfortable clothes? No. No. Those aren't connected. Because the neck is tight. The extra layers are on. You're sweating. Your shoes. You got dressed socks on. Oh, dress socks. Dress socks are made of onion skin. What is with dress socks?

What is that all about? It's like no socks at all. It's just a thin layer of skin. It's panty hose. It's panty hose. It's men's panty hose that go up to your cap. Which I can only assume that panty hose suck. Yeah.

Because we've worn dress socks. Can only assume it. Just longer dress socks. I can only assume it. But I completely can only assume it. I don't know for sure what panty hose feels like. But point being is like boots. Boots.

look fabulous. Yeah. Boots look great. They're manly or women's boots. They're both. Boots on your feet are awful. Go walk a mile on those. All all blister makers. All y'all in my Instagram and my Facebook and everything. You're like, we made

No, you did it. These boots were made for walking. These boots are made for putting on your feet and sitting and not moving. Those boots are made for calisus. Yes. For photographs. For corn. Why can't we put like athletic? Boots were invented by podiatrists that can repair the feet afterwards. Put comfy things in your boots. Impossible. Jason, you're back on the clock. Medium rare steak was your first pick of things people

pretend to like. Look, a lot of my list is things you put in your mouth. Um, and, uh, things you eat. Okay. All right. Uh, this is one I have tried. I have pretended. I've pretended to like this. I have. Caviar. No, that's actually legitimately delicious. It might be. No, no, no, no, no. brother You've never had caviar Yeah I have Then you love it No

No Caviar is delicious No So you don't like salt I don't I don't take a I'm not saying you like spending $250 on cavio

I like salt I don't take it by the spoonful Thank you I don't sit down And I'm like Oh my I knew Jason would defend Caviar with his life

Do you have salt And I go It doesn't pour it in my mouth It doesn't taste like It doesn't taste like you're pouring It charged me 250 bucks No you can't bring the price in Because that's not what

this is. This is not one of those things that is... Fine. Charge me $10 and pour salt in my mouth. Don't do it. Caviar is delicious. Make your pick. It might be overrated because it is very expensive, but it's delicious. Absolutely delicious. This one can also be expensive. I've seen it cheap. I've seen it expensive. But people

I know say they love it. Oh my gosh. There are cities built around this thing. And if I go to a fancy restaurant, they always will have this. And it's expensive. And they are objectively I have tried to pretend I like it

they are objectively nauseatingly gross and it's oysters it's snot you're eating you're slurping I assume because you like caviar you love oysters I would love I would love to love oysters I would love to love oysters they're disgusting you've tried to love them

I had one last night okay I'm I'm trying to get on board pretending to like oysters and what did you say did they ask you if you liked it you went Did they ask you if you liked it? They, I said it was good. Uh-huh.

And how was it? But to be fair, there was some caviar on it. Where was the tone of your voice? Was it? I was like, oh, that's good. It was better because it had caviar on it. Nobody should have more recently had caviar. Oh my God.

Oysters is the pick. Anyways, oysters. People pretend to like them. You can't, you can't really like them. They're disgusting. Mike, you are on the clock. other people's kids. Okay, we're on,

we're on food perfection. Brunch. Brunch. What in the world is brunch? What is happening? What is wrong with brunch? I'm starving. I am so hungry by the time brunch hits and they're like,

here's breakfast food. You're saying because you have to delay your breakfast? You're like, that's what brunch is. Brunch is like, hey, do you want the breakfast stuff at 8 a.m.? You're like, no. What about 11?

You're like, I'm starving. You're like, here's your. your omelet. What are we doing? You want a burger at 11 and you're getting a breakfast burger. What is brunch? What are we doing? Why are we doing this? I don't hate brunch the way that you're made it like a vent. Let's go to brunch. No, let's go to lunch. The funny thing is, let's go to breakfast. The idea of waiting because you're hungry, but you got to wait because we're going out to brunch. But you got to wait. And I only get one meal. And then you know what you're going to eat breakfast. I don't get two meals.

who what why are we eating breakfast at 11 in the morning all right brunch didn't see it on the list we're already in lunchtime somebody's had a problem with brunch for a while restaurants are open all right you know what good egg is open that's fine you know everybody subway's open if subway is open you cannot have brunch you cannot be serving breakfast food when subway is open a lot of places do brunch only on the weekends I'm not available I will be honest I will be honest. So I don't mind brunch. I like a late breakfast. Do you have breakfast? I like an early lunch. I'm fine with it. But to be completely honest, there are many times, there's a couple restaurants I really, really like, two that

I visit very often. And if you go there, either one, on a Saturday. Yeah. Before like 2 p.m. It's brunch menu. They give me a stupid menu I don't want. It's a different menu. I just want I came here because I love your food. Why are you offering me this? It's our special brunch menu. Yep. Throw it in the garbage. Yeah. Bring me your lunch menu.

I'm not like completely on board, but I do, I do understand that way. All right, Mike. One more pick. All right. Art. Yes. Yes. Oh, there's nothing like the social pressure to appreciate art.

Art that you don't appreciate. Art. And I'm just being honest here. I'm so sorry. Painters. Sculptors. oh man i i don't get it man so my next pick you you just took my next pick away so here's what i'll say about this is the funniest part about this to me is i have spent 40 plus years on this

earth i finally finally on on instagram i got hit with it with an artist and i was like oh you like it i was like holy but it's real you really like it like this is it's it's it's all handmade. I was like, this is incredible. And then the price got posted. Now I went, nope. No, it's too expensive. Nope. Absolutely not. I want artists. I want to support you. I truly do. I'm like, it's hyperbolic.

I'm making fun of art, especially like paintings and things, but it's like, I want to support you. I know there's people that do like it. But the second you put a price on it and in this world of I don't live in the Renaissance, guys. It's not 2,000. You can buy an iPad. It's not 2,000 years ago.

I go in like the same way that y'all made fun of NFTs. We're like, I can just copy this and I can do that to art. I think fruit used to be more expensive before we had other stuff. I can go to your art. I can get a free program. I can screenshot it. Oh, you're a dirty man. And I don't do it.

Maybe I do. I don't do it. Maybe I do. and then I send it to a company and they're like here's a $20 full size canvas of the thief no it's the

it's just you want that original it's adapting to the times and it's so you don't get it you don't like you pretend to like a I saw an artist that I want to with with 98% of me I want to support this guy and then he puts the price up and I go there's just

what was it I it's it's thousands it's multi thousand dollars For like a picture, like a regular-sized picture? I'm jealous of people that can see the nuance within art and appreciate it. I really am. They're pretending, Andy. You don't have to be jealous of anything.

That's the problem is it's like I don't get it. Like if you, I'm not the guy. Like if you show me like a baby picture and then the adult picture. Oh, put baby pictures on this list. And then you're like, oh, they have your eyes. Oh, my God. Show me your baby. I cannot tell.

Someone would be like, oh, he's got your eyes. I'm like, I believe you, but I cannot see it. I can't see it. The before and after of, of, like, people doing, like, skin treatments? I can't tell which ones before or after, ever. Like, I don't have that, the, whatever, the, the eyesight palette of being able to perceive the nuance of the art. But I'll read it and I'm like, wow, that's a nice piece. The problem is, is art should be for everybody.

All humanity. From an accessibility standpoint? From an accessibility. It's a cyclical problem. Art should be accessible to all humanity. And yet, for artists to survive, art can only be accessible to the 1%. And so the 99% don't get to appreciate or grow in understanding and appreciation for the art because they can't afford it. It's not in every home.

It's only in a few homes. I could afford it. I could do it. but I can't morally afford it. You know what I mean? Not when you could buy caviar, right, Jay? Yeah, baby. All right, Jason, medium rare steaks, oysters.

You got two food so far. My next pick was going to be museums. Museums rule. You'll get out of here. They're great. What's in a museum, Mike? Not an art museum. History museum.

Things you can't see. Most of the time, most history. Most of the time, most museums are just art. Whether it's sculptures. Dude, art museums suck. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. Anyways, but I won't pick that because you went, I'm going to go with something that I pretend to like. Look, I'm guilty of my own list, and I'm fine.

Yeah, we all are. It's black coffee. Black coffee. Oh, you pretend to my black. Oh, we all, especially men. Yeah. How do you take your coffee? Black.

I don't need, I don't need cream and sugar. Like we did out in the cowboy. There's no one on planet Earth that could blind taste. test black coffee and cream and sugar coffee and be like give me this one give me this slop you know what it's awful it's a great answer it's awful and we all I've tried I've tried to pretend I still drink black coffee most of the time I can do it yeah to be tough oh just because it's like cool it's like I'm grown up but you but you go buy a motorcycle you you know it's so better and one one drop of milk what are we redeems the entire you

You put a little splash of milk in it, it's better. A splash of milk or anything. Yeah, black coffee. You pretend to like it. No one likes black coffee. My third answer behind in-laws and dressing up is cats. I love it. Get wrecked, cat people.

There's nothing redeemable about a cat. Andy can't believe your love. He can't believe it. The cats don't even like you. No, the cats definitely don't like. The cats are tolerating you because you put slop in a little bowl. And then they can take a dump in your living room. And you clean it up and they say, I get older.

I get older and cats are better. If you bought me some cats, I'd never know I have cats. Because they would want to be hiding from it. There is a thing for the, like the stereotype, the joke, the old cat lady is like, because you just want them around? I kind of get it. I think this is becoming a cat lady. No, because here's the thing.

You know what that old lady did? is like humans, I've had enough. I have had enough. I'm going to replace it with the lowest level. Dogs are needy. Yes. Yeah, dogs are, look, I don't hear what I'm saying. Dogs are better.

But cats, the older I get, the more I get it. The older I get it. Because you can leave you alone. You have to get to a point where you hate life. Yes. Then you can love cats. All right. And my final answer.

The moment you're like, I'd wish. for this to be over. Get a cat. Bring the cats. So I had to attack cats because that's what I do. I'm horribly allergic to them. So I hold that against them. My final answer is going to be a funny one.

I have several final answers. We'll have to throw them out in the honorable mention. It is deep tissue massages. Oh! Yes. So good. Oh, that's the best answer we've given all day. What is wrong with these people?

Which is, by the way, when you go get a massage, it's the black coffee scenario too it's like do I want like a Swedish massage or a deep tissue? You feel guilty being like Swedish yeah yeah don't give me just the one that feels good give me the one that feels bad that also leaves me sore and maybe with a fever but also here's

here's $200 oh it costs more yeah money for pain you walk out of that I want to lay on the bed and be like I'm tough don't make a noise I'm so relaxed right now don't yelp don't yelp

It is so close to paying somebody to whip you. Andy, this is the best answer. That's the best answer we've given. What is wrong with those people? When you are there and you're asked, what kind of massage you want, I feel like such. I can't say Swedish. I usually, but I want a Swedish. I always say Swedish.

If they could just take a feather and rub it on my back, that'd be the better massage. I get the Swedish, but I feel like such a putz every time. Give me the black coffee in the deep ditches. It's one of those like, I just like, I just, you know, I'll just, I'll just. See, Al back there is clearly in love with a deep tissue massage. What? I can tell. He's looking at me like a...

This is such a bad take. Oh. Why do you hate yourself? Why do you keep pretending? Have you not had Swedish massages? I'm not pretending. Have you not relaxing during that? You're not having nice relaxing massages.

I'm not going there for that. You're not going to relax. He's going for physical therapy. I want, yes. I want... But we're talking about a masseuse, not a PT. You're going to try to rescue your body from an insulin. injury. That's called a paraphrat. I just want all the stress and my muscles to be worked out.

I have never felt better after a deep tissue massage. Never. Never. And you know what? They're like... Jeremy and Hilda are fine. But we... Make sure you... Make sure you drink 10 gallons of water. Or you're going to feel like you have the flu. That's right. Because I just beat the crap out of you. They do warn you. What? Oh, man. I love... I love it. If you're getting a massage... Do you mind if I use the sledgehammer for five minutes? If you're getting a massage and you can't fall... asleep. Oh, yeah. That's a good barometer. Then it's not a massage. No. No, I got to try to...

We are... This is soy boys. The best part is struggle to stay awake. If I'm not struggling to stay awake, if that's not a real... That's the pain. That's my biggest issue at a massage. That's my cross. Staying away. It's staying awake for this. The best part of the deep tissue is you walk out of there and they're like, how was it?

And you have to be like, it was great. You have to what? And then you're going to pretend that you like it. You have to pretend that you like it. That's what the strapped is. That was great. Great. Anyways, do you have any leave? All right. Deep tissue massage is my final answer. Amazing. You guys both have a final answer.

Mine is, it's very artsy-fartzy like Mike's art, but this one is one where everyone in the world, like you can look at art. And there might be someone that is like, that is beautiful. I really do like that. There is beautiful art. But there is one event, artistically speaking, that every single objective, not. insane person can look at and say what are we doing but everyone that goes to these events is like yes and it's high fashion runway high fashion runway art what is happening what is going on wear a trash bag or some crate like this these high fashion runway shows aren't just an umbrella they're nonsense what are we doing it's not clothes it's not enough it's not

even a costume. It's just nonsense. And then everyone's just, oh, it's so amazing. Oh, so good. What? Shut up. You're so stupid. I would like an invite and I would go and I will absolutely clap and celebrate. Oh, yeah, you will. Like if I got that ticket. If someone wants to bring me the Met Gala, I'm in. Yeah, yeah. Until then. Until it's garbage. Oh, a triangle. Hey, Hey, Matt, Met Gala? Prove me wrong. Okay. Until then, your stuff sucks. All right, Mike, final pick. This may be the longest spitballers we've ever done. Hey, when we're rolling.

We're just letting now. I don't, this one might not be as good as the other picks, but I've, I've had enough. I've had enough. I love this draft so much. I have had enough because. We're so old. And it's like, I'm. We just need every drive is like, our gripes.

Yeah, every draft just thinks we hate. I'm, I thoroughly admit. get trapped. I'm on the reels and things way too long. And when you get hit with these freaking with the grind set Oh, you're talking about

The guys who are like, I've got 50 hours in one day. You know what you do? You're sleeping until 6th the morning. I wake up at 2 in the morning. The grind influencers? There's four more hours. No. No, there's not four more hours. It is the exact same amount of time. and then I work for four hours and that it's underrepresented so it's eight hours what are you the best way to make I literally have no idea the best way to make 10 million

dollars is to buy 10 businesses you know what I do $100,000 to sell for a million I spend nine million dollars that buy something that's worth 10 million dollars boom I I know what you're talking about what are you talking these are the these are the grind influencers stop it we aren't supposed to do this I am so happy this is not in my my guy my guy we aren't supposed to do that we are not supposed to work i know that humans historically we have we have worked this hard we aren't supposed to do you like i love people like lions not sheep you know what lions do the vast majority of the day they lay out they lay in the shade and they go to sleep until they're like ah crap we got to find some food and then then a few

of them go out and they go get a zebra and they eat and they're like oh man i am bushed because animals are not supposed to work 18 hours a day it isn't very funny we are not supposed to do this it's a bit of an american luxury item it's so the grind set it's so awful and cringy and you people when you die all great work great work all that's money? What are you a feral? You're going to be in a freaking pyramid? You're going to be buried with all your gold. This is a great draft man. Good for you. You were learning about us. You won. Your children hate you. Honorable mention in my list, wine. Healthy living. Yeah, wine. Oh, yeah. Wine. Oh, dude. The symphony. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And salad. And then artsy fartsy

movies. I've got art house movies. Art house movies that I'm supposed to be like, yeah. IPAs. I'm so glad that movie was four hours. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're going to go art house movies and IPAs guys. There's the, why are you attacking me right now? Yeah, I got 90% cacao dark chocolate. That's a great one because that's so tough to be disgusting. It's too much. I have potlucks. And then my last one was potlucks. What are we doing? Hey, everyone, bring me the worst thing that you could possibly bring me right now. And let's all mix it. Instead of something, one thing awesome, I'm going to eat 10 things

awful. I'm going to throw a meditation on here. It's like, come on, you're pretending. Yeah. Like, I know, okay. I also had staying up too late. See, I have going to bed too early. What did we learn today? I learned. I learned...

We're all the worst. Yeah, I learned we're the worst. I learned the best idea that might have ever come out of this show was Andy's idea that these children's concerts and choir events should be like staggered for parents. You come from 705 to 710. That's when you're like, let's put this into action, people. Yes. Yeah, let's do it. And I'll be honestly, I learned that Jason doesn't like black coffee. I swear all these years. Oh, I thought he really, I drink it here all the time. You put on a show for me. It's, I'm, dude, I love it. I mean, I learned I, I, um, um, I learned. Um,

I'm the worst. Yeah, well, we knew that. We didn't need to be taught. I learned that Mike's in-laws better not listen to this show. Oh, man. Guess what? They won't. Goodbye, everybody.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Thank you.