Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Crying Over Dinner & Audio to Replace Your Car Horn - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 11, 2025

Spit Hit for Dec 11th, 2025:On today’s awesome episode, we figure out how to save Andy by facing our fears, get the jump scare of a lifetime, discuss the difference between laugh crying and cry laughing before wrapping things up with a Audio to Replace Your Car Horn draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Got yourself good, huh? Was that the fourth return? No. I don't, like, what happened? No, no, no, I know exactly what that was.

I know. Let's hear. That was the newest model of the garbage disposal in my kitchen. Yeah. That's what that sounded like. High horsepower. You know what I mean? That was awful.

That was a bottom five. If you put glass down that sink, I'm going to take it. No problem. What were you doing? So I had said the. Okay. This is what actually happened. I had said the last time I did a scat that, oh, because I started the Satchmo run.

And you love doing them. I just love the scat. And I said, you know, this is how I can get out of doing the scat. I'm never going to do it again. Someone else is going to do. I had Satchmo do my scat last time. Right. So this time around, I was like, who can I have to do the scat?

So who was that? It started as Arnold. Oh. No one did it. It started only in my mind. as Arnold and then I the reason I was to commit I don't know man the reason I found it so funny at the end was because I have I was I was watching that from a distance I was you know I was seeing that as a third party and I did not participate in what was your review then oh it was a very pretty good garbage disposal it did sound a lot like a garbage disposal to me welcome into the spitballers thank you Thank you for joining us. Would you rather the Situation Room today?

And we are drafting audio to replace your car horn with later in the show. So that is today's draft that Jason. I just gave one away. Jason just earned, you know, the right to draft first. There is a 101 in this draft. A garbage disposal sound. I don't know that there is. There is for me.

I know what it is for Jason. But we'll start here. Would you rather? And by the way, Al Borland, how would you rate Jason Skat over there? That's a two. That's not bad. Out of a hundred. Okay, worse.

Would you rather, Heather wants to know, would you rather lose one of your two front teeth and not be allowed to replace it? Or have your hair looked like George Costanza? So we're talking hair on the side. tongue and skull it empty on top and you're not allowed to wear a hat which is more this is very very easy this is layup level there's no debate no choice 100 percent i feel like this is andy v jason right now oh no i'm not there mike well he's not there he's not either there with the tooth either i don't take the hat off for a little the whole segment the uh because it wasn't

his front tooth it was the it was the other oh there it is again there it is again Oh, all right, so we got a battle going on here. I would choose the two. Really? Yes, I've come to learn, like, I can, like, I can talk. I've learned, like, I can talk, like, in a public situation where no one notices my tooth. Is that why your voice is doing what it's doing right now? Well, no, the voice would change a little bit.

I just can cover it. I'm just saying you can't. But you got to move it to the front tooth. Oh, you're right. I'm not a front tooth. No, you're a, you're a forward tooth. But you're not one of the two front feet. Anyone know, gentle?

I think that's right. All right. Oh, Jason's on the back wall. Oh, thanks. Thanks, friends. So here's my reasoning why you would definitely want to have the Costanza hair versus a missing tooth. So you want that too? And that photo is old.

Or do you want that one over the tooth? That was a while ago. Yes. For those listening at home, a photo of me having a very bad hair experience getting out of a pool has been put up on our YouTube please feel free to visit kind of reminds me like if you got and I had more hair then

if you got that's what I'm getting at if you got like a turkey feather and you got it wet and you laid it on top of a hair yeah so anyways all right moving on but the thing is

so it's easy for you yes it's a very easy decision I see people with Costanza hair all the time it's just normal that is a normal thing you see you go in the grocery store, you might just run into someone with the Costanza. Now, usually they're older than we are, and that would feel maybe a little bit too old. But if I saw someone in the grocery store missing a tooth, I'm going to 100% judge them. I don't want to. I don't, I shouldn't.

They don't have to have their mouth open. Yeah, they don't have to have their mouth open. But if I, if they ever talk to me, yeah, at that point you're judged. I'm going to see it. And I'm going to be like, okay, so lay off the soda. It would help me not talk. to anybody but my friends that know my situation. And they'd all say, that's a nice head of hair. How long would you like paper or plastic?

Mm-hmm. Mm-mm. What, uh, how long does the, for this question, how long does the hair have to be? On the sides? Yeah, because that... It has to be long enough to be very obvious that it's hair from a distance. Okay, because that matters. A bushel. We're like the, the fellers

that have the horseshoe hair, but it, you know, it's tight. A tight. A tight. A tight. A tight. horse shoes not as bad. You're like, yeah, it's just, it's a guy who's balding. Yeah, it just looks like you shaved your head and then you let it grow a little bit. Yeah, that's a good point. The, the, the, the further out the sides grow, the worse it gets. Is there a point where it becomes cool? No. I've got long hair. It turns into like Bozo the clown. That's like saying is there a point where it's cool to not have a front tooth. And it just, what if I got no teeth? It never, it never becomes cool. And I, I've learned from knocking my front tooth out that it is the worst

thing you can do for your appearance possible. It's the most noticeable thing that anyone would ever see about a person. So, I still think I can hide it better. Like, I want my pride. I lose my pride if I'm walking around. Yes. Because part

of it is balding is just, it is a 100% natural thing that happens. Phenomena. Like, what's the percentage of men who, by the time they're like 50 years, they're essentially bald or really balding? I mean, not by 50, but like balding, yeah.

I would say percentage of men that are balding by 50. Let's take a guess. Okay, I've got the answer. Percentage of men balding by 50 is 50%. I would go a little higher. I'll go 60. This says up to 50% of men go bald by the time they're 50 years old. Okay.

However, the up to part seems really stupid, up to 50%. Yeah, that's anywhere from zero to 50. Once you're 60, it goes up to 2 thirds. Okay. But the point being that this is just, this is a natural thing of life where getting your front tooth knocked out, something happened. Something happened. Poor hygiene, got a fight. Ginger vitus. I don't know. What is the judgment when you see no tooth? Stupid hillbilly. That's first, that's first thing. You know there are people listening to this. Yeah. They don't know how to operate the podcast. They're missing teeth. I'm in the clear. They're not. hearing this. Okay. All right. All right. Um, that's the judgment, though. As a man with the other

side of this would you rather on his horizon. Yeah, no, I know it's coming. I know. I guess you can speak to it. I'll be shaving my head this year. It's, it's this year. Yeah, I think it's probably going to be this year. Now, have you considered doing the, like, the, the low cut, but you still can tell where the pattern is? Yeah, I think I'm going to, I think I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to buzz it down. Yeah, let's see what that looks like. See what it looks like. See what it looks like. go from there. So I guess I should ask you two gentlemen. Before you go full glint. Since, you know, we, we run a massive media empire. Uh-huh. Um, how do you do, do, do, do, how, uh, how are you two going to feel with, you know, one third of us now just having a new look,

being bald? I, great. Yeah, I'll feel great about it. Doesn't bother me at all. All right. Also, I can't imagine you're not wearing a hat still once you're bald. Yeah. Yeah, I, I mean, you're tried it you tried it once upon a time it was a it was a pretty i think you objectively looked fine but i think for us it was very stark because we're so used to i mean i've known you for 25 years yeah anytime someone shaves their head it looks or beard or any massive change it's just like now if you shave your if you shave your if you shave your head and your face all at the same time like you are just no no no there's no amount i was going to ask you know you know knew it. I was going to ask how much. Give me a million dollars. This face

needs a beard. I'm just, you know, some people. He has a face for beards. I'm still looking at pictures of George here. And it's, it's, he was so young. By the way, he was like 30. I'm trying to express it without it sounding horrifically mean, but it's just going to sound mean. It's like, how is this the look that you're like, you're looking at it in the mirror. You're like, yeah. Still got it. It's not. It's just a, it happens, and then you're just like, this is what I got. That's what that is. That's not a choice.

Yeah, but I'm saying, does it take it all off? But I don't think that that looks good for everybody. A bald head does not always. For everybody, true. But I know how many, I know how many people that the George Costanza looks good for. Nobody? And it's nobody. I mean, it's one.

It's a character. He was a character. All right. Mike your final answer Not my tooth Okay All right Let's go Jason from the website

You are offered a chance to be in an upcoming Disney film Would you rather be a Pixar, Marvel or Star Wars movie So now we're talking All right Now we're talking I did I did glance at this I saw this question that it may come up today

And it is unbelievably difficult So I feel you like. Isn't a Pixar movie mean that you're a voice? Yes. That's the issue is that Pixar's the best, I think, of these three. Like that Pixar is just, I mean, these are all great franchises, but like Pixar is amazing. But you're just a voice. Like when I, you're not just a voice. You are 100% just a voice. No, like actually. Yeah. Yes. But I can put more into it. I can put character and passion. You can become Woody with my voice. But you become that character. And then that character lives on forever.

Like, if you are in a Pixar hit, you're now in, you're in the parks. You're in Disneyland. Your character, like, you're same with Marvel. I mean, might as well be a random person. I mean, Chris Pratt is in Marvel and is it a massive Pixar movie. I don't even remember his character name. I get that from Pixar. It can be, because you can, Pixar has some clunkers out there that just, they vanish into the mess.

Honestly, I think the answer for me personally, and I don't even like, I don't really like any of these that much. But I would choose Star Wars. Okay. Because of the fact that I think that's the funest movie to shoot. So if you're going to be in one, I think it would be the most fun to be in like a space, you know,

Star Wars adventure with a lightsaber and having, like being part of the, you know, the law, the cannon. I mean, it's gotten watered down over the last five, ten years. A little bit. But. We're on the way back.

But I mean, there's a lot of bad Marvel movies and there's some super hits so you don't want to be what is it it's not Black Widow is it that's not the one I'm thinking of what's the Spider-Man

oh that was actually not Marvel oh it isn't the Madem-Web that's in the Sony universe that's the one with Angelina Joe Lee that flopped oh yeah that was the The Eternals? Yeah that was supposed to be their next big thing

and then it was like... When that movie came out... Whoops. Yeah. The, uh, that one actor got an amazing shape. Yes. And then the movie flopped and it felt so bad for him. Uh, yeah.

I was like, you got into shape. Except he was still super... Yeah, I was going to say, that's, that's what he got out of it. Yeah, that's fair. But, so the way I'm looking at it is, in Marvel or Star Wars, I think, like, your chance of it becoming a phenomenon, like, you're now one of the core pieces of it. I think it's low. If you just made me a voice in Inside Out 2 of one of those emotions, that's not lore.

That's not the hit. It's a good movie. Yeah. But unless it's Toy Story 1 because Pixar is brand new. Pixar's out. I think it's out, man. I got to get some screen time, Mike. Which one lets you go to all the comic cons and stuff as yourself?

They all do. Yeah, but what are you? Oh, I'm the voice of sadness. Say something. I want to know who you are. Are you going on Pixar? I'm still on, I don't know yet. I'm trying to work through it.

I'm just saying, like, I think it is, I think there is still a chance of elevation of becoming, it's not you. But it's not you if you're, if it's Marvel. I mean, it's your face, but it's not you. Well, these are all characters. Yes, that's what I'm saying. So that it's not just your, you're like, oh, it's just my voice. But no, like, you have, you, you are so connected with the character. Like, Owen Wilson is Lightning McQueen.

fair yeah there's a few there's a few special when it hits and now there's a freaking cars land in Disneyland yeah but it's not Owen Wilson land no but the car drives around and it's got his voice yeah but Guardians of the Galaxy are there too so I mean they're all

all of these have a chance and there's a Star Wars world there so I think for me but it's none of the movie stuff for for me when I look at these like Marvel has maybe jump the shark or at least they've just been struggling but I have loved Marvel movies.

I've watched, you know, when the Infinity Wars finish came about, I rewatch the entire Marvel suite of movies in chronological order. Like, they're amazing and awesome, and I love superheroes. I've never, like I enjoy Star Wars. I like them. And I think Pixar movies are elite, but I don't rewatch them. I don't love the other properties. I've got to go Marvel.

And then if I was to say, like, if, you know, if you got a great role and you're one of the main superheroes, whoop. Yeah, now you're paid. It's definitely between those two for me. But I like my memories of watching Star Wars as a kid are better than current Star Wars or Marvel movies. So that's what I'm going to go with. Did you get to watch Marvel movies as a kid? They weren't.

I mean, they weren't there. Yeah. But that, I'm just giving you my reasoning. I'm going to, I think it's tough, but I'm going to land on. I think I'm going to be Marvel. Yeah, you want that screen time. No, I just, yeah, like. You got a face for audio?

No, my face is beautiful and should be seen. So, I just, like, I guess you want to be a superhero. No, it's a, imagine you're, you're, they reboot Wolverine. And now you're Wolverine. Like, that would be, that would be the coolest of, of any outcome. if you're a bit part if you're a side character a small character

Star Wars is the way to go because some of those small characters still matter to the nerds they do unless you ended up his Jar Jar Jar's voice Trevor from the website would you rather laugh

every time someone cries or cry every time someone laughs oh man I have to imagine my instinct says right away I cry when someone laughs because you're not offending them But you're going to be... You will be crying all the time.

Mike laughs a lot. Yeah, I do. So you're saying the inconvenience of crying all the time versus the embarrassment of being rude and someone else's... When's the last time you watch someone cry? A grown-up. Well, this would be anybody. No, I'm not...

But sure. Okay, I'm... If it's your kids and you're laughing at your kids, it's fine. That's true. They're crying. They grow up. Within the last month. Oh, okay. No. When's the last time you heard someone laugh?

Within the last minute. Yeah. I'm taking the, I'm going to, I'm going with the ratio. I guess it would stop me from being able to do a podcast because I'd be weeping. Yeah. Or I'd have to do really sad podcasts. But then there'd be funny? Be a comedy?

Yeah. There's a, there's a niche for that. It is, it is funny because I'm with Andy that right when you ask the question, you can't laugh when someone cries. Like, that answer is out. But the frequency of laughter makes it almost impossible. to take that suck. Hey Jason, why aren't you coming to your grandmother's funeral? I just can't be there. Trust me. I'm going to... It's going to be so hysterical. It's going to be so sad. I mean, you'll be sad, but you'll be laughing, right? Yes. Like, it doesn't change your emotion. No, you'll still feel

sad. Hmm. I mean, can you just justify it as like a coping mechanism? Yeah. I laugh to keep from crying. Yeah, exactly. We laugh the pain away. All right, let's take a break. come back with the Situation Room. Kevin from Patreon writes in and says you're at a restaurant with a friend. And they're telling you a sad story and they're crying. Okay. And we're laughing.

In the middle of this story, the waiter drops off your food. How long do you wait to start eating? Oh, yes. Yes. I have an unfortunate story. Oh, no. Let's go.

What? I just inadvertently made my wife cry one time long, long ago. I didn't know that what I was going to say was going to make her cry. It was all like, now I have to tell the story because it's going to sound worse if I don't. Okay. But it was an awkward situation because we were at a restaurant where they were coming to check on the food and coming to check on drink refills. But she was in the middle of crying and they could tell. But then it was like we also needed refills.

But like. And this was like when she was pregnant with our first kid and I shouldn't have brought up like some what if scenarios that happened related to the pregnancy. And I wasn't trying. I was trying to be helpful. Yeah. But I didn't realize that sometimes you just don't bring things up. was a doofus. And I was trying to pragmatically deal with it and think through it.

But she was a pregnant woman with a baby in her stomach that was not wanting me. So that would, but I mean, it's been burned into my mind that embarrassment of that situation. And it's also been brought up by my wife many times. Okay. Because she'll tell me about it. But it was like, I remember them coming asking for drinks or bringing the food and the awkwardness of that situation and what to do. Did you start eating? Yeah.

I mean. Oh, you're hungry, right? Yeah, I mean, we were there to eat. We're there to eat. But in this situation, but it wasn't the exact same because it wasn't like the food wasn't there and then it got brought. It was more like refilled and stuff like that. But I remember how awkward it felt to have somebody, if you're ever having a serious

conversation at dinner, it doesn't have to be crying or a fight. It could be a serious conversation. It could be a political conversation. It could be whatever. If the waiter comes up right at the wrong time, that's what. That's weird. It's awkward. Let me ask you this.

Does it matter if it's a hand food or a silverware food? Let's go silverware because it's easier to hand food. Silverware is. Wait, that seems more awkward. I think the hand foods is a little bit more awkward. Oh, see, to me, pick it up my, pick it up my knife and fork is like, excuse me, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm like, I'm checking out. Yeah, I can stay with you.

Whereas you can sneak a fry it? Yeah, exactly. exactly if I was listening I'm paying attention and locked eyes with you I can grab someone with my hands and maybe put it to my mouth I like the idea of you trying to not make it obvious or chewing too like when she's looking down for a minute you're like

or cutting like if I got a steak grabbing my fork and I can just oh I'm so sorry you're not looking where you're cutting trying to keep that eye contact you put it in your teeth and instead of chewing you're just kind of trying to grind you're gumming it grind your teeth back and forth instead of chewing I think you know what

Yeah, that is... I think you have to wait until the crying is over. You can't... What if it's a 15-minute crying? Do they have to break the food ice? Like, do they have to be starting the food first? I don't think they have to break the food ice. But you could give...

I think you can give them a couple pump fakes. Like, you know, like... Like showing them that you want to start eating? You know, your hands are just going towards there. Can you say, do you need anything else? Is that a way to break in and maybe move it to food? Do you need anything else with that? I feel like that's the waiter.

That's fair. I've never done that. Do you need a refill? No, I'm still a waiter. Yeah. You're going to eat that? Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, that's, that's wrong. Oh, this is the answer. How is your meal? Why don't you, hey, why don't you eat up and you need something to eat? Right. That's the ticket. What, tell them to eat? Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, I'm worth this. You'll feel better after with a full stomach. Exactly. They're upset. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm so sorry this is going on. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Why don't you? Yum, yum, yum.

Why don't you? What have you eaten today? Yeah, why don't you just have a bite? Yeah, but you know what sad people normally say? I'm not hungry. I don't have an appetite right now. Yeah, but once I have that. Can I have your appetite?

Yeah. I mean, can you say anything about the temperature of the food? Ooh, it's ready to eat. I don't think so. My steak's really cooling down. No, you can't see these things now. Can you pay the waiter to come over on asking? about the food?

Is there a problem with your food? Have either of you been in one of these situations where you have to make the decision on how long to wait? No, I have. Because I know you are, Mike, I know you are not a- Mike would be eating right off the- Yeah, because you're like, even if they bring your food out of order, like not the foods together, you'd be eating. Yeah, I can maintain the eye contact and pretend like I'm interested. That's crying. What if they say, please don't eat right now.

This is very sad problem. I'll say, work. Eat, want. like don't keep eating or like don't eat um okay i'm gonna wait until the crying is done and i'm going to encourage them to eat to speed that process up this is this is this look this is about me i'd wait forever but you you need to eat something oh man um big mike from patreon writes in and he's in trouble he's been locked in a room with the walls closing in on him to squish him like a pancake. Actually, that was one of

my nightmares as a kid. Every kid's nightmare. The squished room. The room that, but the walls come closing in. Indiana Jones. Right. It's more of the, more of the using the word squish like a pancake. It's a little strange to me. There's only one way for Andy to

be safe. Either Mike or Jason has to conquer their fear. Mike has to get stung multiple times by a swarm of bees. Or Jason has to let a tarantial crawl in his body for one minute. Dude, I'm getting that maple syrup out. There's only one man in this scenario who can save Andy.

It is not going to be me, bro. Once the task is completed, the door to stop closing, and Andy is saved. Andy, or my only hope is Mike. And I, at this point of my life, I think I could do it. I believe that Jason would say, toss me into the room. Yeah. Just allow me to be. me out. Just let me be squished. Yeah, I'll take the squish. You're like, you know what? I'm traded.

I'm a man of honor. Yeah. I would let him live. Let me take his place. No, Jason cannot conquer that fear. That fear is unconquerable. The only way to conquer that fear would be full general anesthesia. How small of a trance. Would that even work? Could you handle? Now, I'm, for real. Like, let's say it's oh my god let's say it's small i just i literally slow and it's smaller than your fingernail your pinky nail a little teeny baby tarantula crawling up your leg oh my god i'm like i can't even think about it it really is real like i can't even i'm trying what is it describe the things of a tarantula that bothered is it the hairy legs the hair the shape so if it was like a like a hairless trancelot? Is it the... I would much rather

like a daddy long legs. No... Really? Oh, no problem. I find those to be very creepy. If it was... Really? Let a daddy long legs crawl across your arm. That's a spider. There is something so many magnitudes worse about...

The body proportion to the legs? Yeah, the thick boys. Okay. Is it... The wolf spider, the tarantula. Like, are you... Where are you at? Like, are there other... insects that bother you? No. So it's the eight legs. Well, it's not even just eight legs because I believe, I believe a scorpion is, is an arachnid. I'm not afraid of scorpions. I'll go out, I'll hunt scorpions. It's got the tail. So it's almost like, it's like nine. It's like nine. Yeah. I also don't know how, I don't know how scorpion courageous you are. Like, how close will you get?

I've stepped on one. I've killed it with my boot. And I. Yeah. Okay. When I see them, when I see them, like, as I've had over the last decade, four or five times in my house, I've had a scorpion. When I see one, I go and I take care of it. Is it possibly you're misremembering what a tarantial looks like? Oh, no. Because you haven't seen one in a while? Oh, no. I have this burned in behind them retinas. I'm, I put it this way. Scorpions are way worse. I am. For me, they are, yeah.

Transyls are nice. I'm terrified every single day of my life. Yeah, one can hurt you and one can't. One is an armored demon with like with poison, with three weapons. We were on a hike up in Prescott, and a little slow tarantulas just walking along with us. Oh, my sweet mercy. So this is, this is the new movie, A-Leged Freaks? That doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother me.

I haven't seen the movie because why would I? But I saw the trailer, and it doesn't bother me because it's a bunch of fake CGI-looking giant monsters. You know, when I watch Harry Potter. Oh, that doesn't bother you? Not really. These giant, they're not- Giant spiders don't bother you, but little friendly ones. It's just real ones, real ones, arachnophobia depends on the scene.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, but lately, so this is every day, this is every day for me. What is? We got, what I'm about saying, we get, like everyone in the world, a lot of Amazon packages, and they go right to the front porch. And they put them in the corner of my front porch. My front porch is like a little square. Yeah.

And so they just hide it back around the corner and they put it in the corner. It likes corners. And I do too, my man. And I am, I can't even look when I pick the package up every single time. Like this last night I go out and there were three packages. I'm holding my breath. Looking away. I'll grab the package.

Look away towards my door. Do you shake it? Like kick the package? Oh, when I pick it up, I'm going to shake it for sure, on the way to the door. And then I put it inside and I do not look at that box for a couple minutes. Like that's, you'd rather real life. The irony is he probably needs to buy like a long, dick from Amazon to move the packages away from the wall, but he can't get the package.

Well, there's also the irony of if it took a ride on the box and you put it down in the house and then you don't look at the box, then it's just free. Ignorance is bliss, Mike. Ignorance is bliss. He just nukes his Amazon packages and raid. I mean, this is very, very, very clear. Like, if there is a tarantula at my house right now and I don't know about it, there is not a tarantula at my house. If there is a tarantula, at my house, and I know about it. I have a for sale sign going up. So, Mike, you're willing to save me is the message here.

I could take a couple of bee stings, only to save a life, though. And then you'll have to leap into the machine as well. Well, when you start swelling up? Yeah, we know I will be allergic. Do we have time for one more, owl, or do you want us to move on? Let's do one more. Do you have a favorite? I see a couple of them in the dock.

Do you have one that you want to go with? Let's go with. Andrews or Dan? Okay. Andrew says you have a new diet where you can only eat one food. Starting each Monday, you choose a starting daily allotment. That allotment doubles each day of the week until it resets on Monday. You must finish the doubled allotment each day.

Okay. What food do you choose? And what is your starting daily allotment that would be enough for your allotment on Sunday? You said it doubles every day? It doubles every day. That's going to get out of control. Sir, do you know how exponential growth works? So, what is that?

That's two, one becomes two. Yeah. So that's on, look, we're starting on Monday, right? Yeah, yeah. So one on Monday. So if it's one. Two on Tuesday. Four on Wednesday.

Eight on Thursday. 16 Friday, 32 Saturday, 64 Sunday. I got to eat 64 or something on Sunday. So I'm, I'm ramping up. So like day one is like a piece of cereal? Yeah. No, I mean, I think you could do what a tequito? you can't you're not eating 64 tequitos

over a day I could eat 64 tequitos It's a whole day Yeah you get the whole day That's like I mean 15 15 15 15 15 Four times But that also means Monday You're surviving on one tequitos

Correct yep I don't think you could eat that many tequitos Okay you can take tequitos office I'm not half a hot dog Get to 32 hot dogs on Sunday Live on half a hot dog the first day There's not a this equation is not going to work where day one's

going to be like a, hmm, that's a perfect amount of food and day seven's going to be like perfect amount of food. Like you have to pick something. Well, no matter what you're picking something and you're going to be really hungry for the first few days. A peanut? I think I've got it. So if you can only eat one food for me, it's going to be steak.

I can eat that breakfast, lunch, at dinner. It's... So volume you can volume steak. That's your thing. No, it's not... No, I'm just saying nutritionally, like if this question was, because part of this question is you only get one food. That's fair. And so that portion of the question I'm answering with steak would be the one food.

I just, look, I'm a carnivore now. Then it's a question of how much steak can I eat in a day? And I think. And then go backwards. Yeah, and then go backwards. I think I could eat 30 ounces of steak in a day. And so I think I did the math right, which is half an ounce on the first day. Basically, if I start with half an ounce.

So that means like the first couple days is basically like almost. most time fasting. You know what I mean? Yeah, half an ounce is, I mean, that's not a lot. Oh, half an ounce is not a lot. I'd rather eat, I'd rather have to eat a little too much on the last day, I think. It's going to make the other days pretty good. You think you can go over 30?

I think you could do it. I could do it. 10 ounces for lunch, 10 ounces for breakfast, 10 ounces for dinner. That's not that bad. If that's all you're eating. I could throw a couple snackies in there. But I can't get to 64. So I can't start with one ounce.

One ounce is 64 ounces. I don't know. I can't do that. 40 ounces on the last day you can do that 12 12 12 36 okay so like two thirds of an ounce I'm just trying to help you on day one if maybe you're just fasting like you said I think I'm focused on water if you had to eat that small of a steak Jay would it be would you go single bite or would you try to cut it into little pieces little pieces you do like a hot rock where you hot oh yeah yeah where it's real thin yeah you you you shave me about hot rock I've done it

Oh, yeah. It's not that good, but go on. You idiot. You sound like an idiot. Take that tooth out because you look like you sound. Hot rock is amazing. What? I, you take, you take me. It sounds like hot pocket. Hot rock. You're going to thinly slice the steak and then you get a literal. How thin are we talking here? We're talking very thin. Like maybe if I hold it up, can I see through it? Like you're not going to see through it on a hot rock for 10 seconds. Yeah. So then you cook it on this hot rock. You just lay it down. A real neat way to charge. people way too much you flip it over why he likes it why does it have to be a rock

well it's just an easy because they're not going to bring a grill to your table you know what I mean like right but what if it was like just a flat piece of metal I think the thing about the hot rock is it retains its heat like unless they were bringing you unless they were bringing you a device that was plugged in yeah it's a fair point

yeah I guess a rock holds energy yeah good answer good a answer funnest one by far ice cream one scoop on Monday You carry the rest out to what I could do it You could do it You could do it You would die so soon

64 though 64 scoops 64 years old is not a number you're going to see No no No Mike do you have a food you want to pick here Before we move on I think I'm with Jason's logic over here Mike's going cigarettes actually

Yeah One cigarette on Monday I'm eating them yeah The tobacco leaf is very nutritional Oh, yeah. No, that's, you're going to live less long than I will. All right, we're back with the draft. Oh, my God. Was that, uh, there's something on your screen there?

I don't know how much of that actually got. I don't think anything got caught by the camera. That was a nightmare. Do we have the footage? Yeah, we'll make it. Okay. Oh my goodness. So a long time ago, way before the last segment, we were in the middle of a conversation

a long time ago and we were talking about different spiders and I just, I just said, here's what a tarantial, here's what a tarantial looks like and Jason just found it. I obviously was not in that duck. And I just flipped over to it. And I, I'm scared the crap out. of me, man. I wasn't expecting to just see a trash hole on my screen. What if? I broke the rules, man. Can someone delete that out before I can ever go back to that channel? I think it's hidden no. I did not say hide it. That is a person that only hides it for you. Someone else delete it.

I can't see it anymore. All right. It's gone. I got rid of it. You won't trust me, but I did. Oh my gosh. Oh, man, that reaction was, that was something else. All right, we are drafting audio to replace your car horn with. So your car horn is gone. It's time to pick something new to replace it with. Jason, you get the first pick and you are choosing a big old classic fart. Yeah.

I mean, it's like when I was prepping for this show and I'm trying to think of anything, there was only one thing I could think of. It's just a big fart horn. That's a good time. There are a lot of ways to go about this draft. At first, I thought it was narrow, and it was just going to be comedic value. Then I started thinking about practical value mixed into it. What would I use the most versus what I would barely use?

Yeah, for sure. And a fart is all of the above? Yeah, you made a stinky move ahead of me. Okay, so you're going fart. I knew you would go fart. You know, my first pick, I've got some things that I think will slip through the cracks. Okay. So my first pick, I just want it.

I want the Ayuga. Yeah, I know this. When I said, is that a foghorn? No. No, that's not a foghorn. No, I want Ayuga. Yeah. Aruga.

That's what I want. I think that would be hilarious. I don't know what it is. I literally have a tab up here where I was trying to figure out what that was. And I'm like, sound effects, awuga. Yeah. Is that from the mask? It's in the mask, right?

It's in the mask, but it's not from the mask. It's from cartoons. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm going, I'm going, I yuga. Yeah, that's, that's very good. Uh-huh. A-huh. All right, so I am up, I get my, I get two picks.

Two picks. All right. Swap that, swap that horn. Yeah, so the first thing that I'm swapping it for, you are giving me the, uh, the police. Oh, no. That was the one I wanted the most. The police siren. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. Well, no, but I don't, I don't want, be, I want, you're missing. out, man. You could freak those people. I'm with Mike. I think that's the better call. Oh, no way. No way. Because the full siren, I mean... It's too much. It's a lot. It's laying it on thick. It's going to annoy you.

I want to scare the tarnation out of the person in front of me. I want them to hear the sirens on and have them go, are getting pulled over. Yeah, I think you can accomplish that with the whoop. Okay. I mean, I like the pick. Yes, I like the pick.

That leaves you full siren, Jason, if you want it. Oh, that's too similar. And for my second... What's your second one? Yeah. Just a blood-curdling human scream. Oh, just a full... Ah! Oh, dude. Okay. All right.

Practical use? Oh, it's going to do the same thing as a horn. Yeah. Which does absolutely nothing. All a horn does is freak everybody out. And you start looking around going, who did what? Who did? Was it me? Was it you? The horn does...

Other than a polite, you're at a red line? light and a polite, not being a freaking turd burglar, laying on your horn, just a little, little, hey, beep, beep, yeah, you didn't see it, which is hard. Some, some cars that's hard to do. It can be, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why my pick is going to be a clearing of your throat cough. Oh, that's good. Because that's going to be the, uh-huh, like when you need to go, but I don't want to be that rude, but it's like, uh-huh, yeah, like you would do if you were in an actual line but the person needs to move up yeah excuse me oh that'd be a good one um all right i like that i like that a lot um all right so now i am up i get to i really wanted the police siren uh that's

whoop who yep you can take it no no no no no you can go we're not going to go that uh that close um is there like is there a different siren in the police car that is the whoop whoop or is that is it the siren and they're just doing like a starting it. They're just doing a click on and like a DJ move. Yeah. Like spinning the turntable a little bit. Or just pushing a one off button. I think that I think they've got a turntable in there. But does anyone know? I imagine nowadays we don't know. Maybe separate. I don't know. What is the woo woo for? Is this cruising a neighborhood? Like letting people know you're around? It's the you're in trouble but we're not going to turn the full sirens on. Oh like like pull over? Yeah. Yeah. That's a

get out of the way. Which makes more sense to be a horn, and I totally understand why you'd go with the boop, boop. Imagine if it was an Iuga. But, man, just making someone think that the police are right behind them. If you need to honk, that's what I want. I want them to know they're in trouble. They're never going to think it's you right away.

And so I am going to take a referee whistle. Okay? I'm calling penalty. Oh, you're bringing them back to like when they were crossing the street as a kid. Yeah, exactly. In the crossing guard. Nice. Oh, that was a very good whistle.

Thank you. I brought it with me. So that is one. And I've got one more here. I'm going to go. Mike took, you know, the woman's scream. I'm going with a louder scream. I'm going with a scream of goat.

The goat scream. And what does that sound like? That's basically what it sounds. I think that was that was a human screen. What I said. It's hard. I'm not a goat. I'm not a cat.

Your honor, forgive me for not doing a perfect goat. Can you do a goat scream, Mike? I already did it. I'll blow out my voice if I go again. But goat scream was on my list. Okay. I prefer the.

So that's your second pick or your third pick? That was my third second of this round. What? I picked two in a row. That was my second one there. but I started with fart. The ref whistle. Remember what?

Why are you so confused? Oh, the ref whistle. Well, because I'm looking at the dock and it's not in there and I didn't know if you had one more to pick. No, no. I didn't want to do the old saying too soon and all of a sudden you take it. All right. Well, siren seem popular. Getting people's attention seems popular.

So we need an old-fashioned World War II air raid siren. Oh, okay. We need you to wonder, are the bombs dropping? So we'll go air raid. Tyron. It's going to take a while. The thing's got to warm up. Maybe it's, I mean, that's the same thing they use for like a tornado too, basically, right? I mean, if you're a driver and you hear that, you're looking around. I'm looking up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you look up. They're dropping. That's the key to driving safe. Look up.

And then the last one, I want a laugh track. Oh. I think I want to laugh track because I think I want to use that. It's not your turn. Yeah. No, it's not. I was wondering how he was picking two in a row here. here. Oh, man. Unfortunately, no, I will not be taking a lap track. Yeah, me neither. How did I do that? You just talked to me. I know, I got all discombobulated. I was so confused when he's taking it.

I was like, wait. I knew what he was doing. Well, I just thought. I was like, did I do something wrong? Did I do something wrong, take it two in a row if he gets two in a row here? I was all thrown off. All right. I took an air raid siren. That's all I took. Yes. Mike, you get five picks. All right, my first pick.

I'm going to give me the Star Wars laser sound. So the laser gun, not, I'd like the, shoo-poo-poo-poo! Okay. Like they're getting shot at. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, more of just a, that would be just for fun.

And then with my last pick, you guys know in the game Mortal Kombat at the end? Finish him. No, no. No, it's very, very close. No, it's just, it's just, it's just fatality. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's frightening.

That's a little bit scared. It's going to have some options. That was a deep, a deep cut. Get this. I'm going to go with a laugh track. What? Yeah, like from one of those old sitcoms because I see stupid stuff. And I want something I can use all the time.

That's not necessarily an air raid siren sending you to your, like a bunker. I want something that I can just hit. If I see somebody walking on the street. and they look funny, laugh trap. That makes sense. All right. So I've got the final pick of this draft. I've got a lot of different options on the list here.

But I think there's one that I'm surprised didn't get drafted already. It's a very practical use. It's really just upgrading the horn. It's going from a boring car horn to a fun DJ air horn. Oh, wow, whom, foam, foe, so the party mobile is coming. Yeah, you are starting the party horn. I mean, you would be so obnoxious with that horn. Whom, whom!

You'd get to work, and I think you wouldn't come in for an hour. No, I would let you know. I would want you to come out and greet me, and then you would, I would, whon, whon, you until you greet me. I like it. It's a good one. So, Jason, a fart, a referee whistle, a goat scream, a DJ air horn. I've got the Iyuga horn, the throat clear, the air raid siren in a laugh track. Mike, you've got the police.

the blood-curdling human scream a Star Wars laser sound in a Mortal Kombat Fatality Fatality I used that only after I hit a pedestrian Yeah that one frightened me just a little bit What did we learn today? That is not my turn

It wasn't my turn I learned that it wasn't my turn I learned that 25% More people Balled from the age of 50 to 60 It goes from 50% to 66% in that decade To hold on and you'll have some company And I learned that just the

What? Oh, sorry, what I learned was That just the George Costanza is It's good for nobody Yeah, I mean, honestly, based on the numbers that we learn Mike or I Will join you You gotta count these snakes in the back here

I also learn on my way The Andy is willing to post pictures of tarantulas. Foy, foe, foe, flea, flea! Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.