Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Dollar in the Box & Food/Drinks That Instantly Make You Feel Like A Kid Again - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 16, 2026

Spit Hit for July 16th, 2026:  It’s an udderly ridiculous episode you don’t want to miss. We tackle some challenging Would You Rathers, get exposed to WAY too much anatomy, answers life’s pressing questions in Life Advice and get nostalgic with a Food or Drinks That Instantly Make You Feel Like A Kid Again Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I'm blah, bab, bab, bo, bab, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, pop. I like it. That's good. Welcome in. I knew what it was going to be. Did you?

I knew how stupid it was. I liked it. No, it was good. And you didn't hear, I had to do this guy on the last one. And Jason told me that a person musically inclined would consider it to have been okay. I did not listen. So, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, we're on a roll is what I'm saying.

Don't worry, guys. Yeah, Jason's got the next one. I'll ruin it next time. What's funny, like, people ask, they're like, hey, when you aren't there for the show. Yeah. Like, do you go back and you're listening? And you're like, so when I missed work to do the show, you're like, I should go back and listen to the work that I miss? You're like, no, I'm good, man.

Do you never listen to them? When I'm not on? Yeah, when you're not on? The football ones I do. Because I want to stay up to date on the good football stuff. A lot of the times when we miss, it's because we're on a vacation with the family or some. And sometimes it's driving. So it does.

In that case, I listen. Driving makes it way easier. Because if you're driving six hours and you've got a couple shows you miss, that works. but. It's just a funny idea of like, yeah, no, I get it.

Guys, I'm going to put it in the same amount of time. I'm at my job right now. You know what? I know it doesn't seem like a job, but it is a job. I haven't thought about that. It would take the exact same amount of time to listen to this podcast as it takes to create

this podcast. Going to make up those hours. I guess you can listen on like one and a half speed. That's true. That's true. I would never. It takes less effort to listen. Yeah.

But not a whole. whole lot of effort to do either. So would you rather life advice? And we're drafting food or drinks that instantly make you feel like a kid again. So it will be a nostalgic draft. Children are going to love it. Right. They're going to totally love it. What? What's that? See, I think we have talking about malto meal or something. I think we have different lists. I think, I think, I think my kids would love my list. Oh, okay. We'll find out. I'm very excited.

Mike and I will be competing on the nostalgia. You'll be licking lollipops or something. We've got a great show for you. Thank you for tuning in for following on Spotify, Apple, or subscribing on YouTube. Appreciate everybody that takes the time to listen. Hopefully we help brighten up your week. And, yeah, 330 episodes.

That's where we're at here for the spitballers. So if you're new, you've got some catching up to do. We're closing in on one show, a day. 330 perfect scats. I don't know that there's 330. I'm sure the historians of the show be like, well, actually.

Oh, in total shows? Well, we didn't always have the scat. That's true. I see what you're saying. That was the first, I don't know, 10 shows or so did not. The glory days. Jason calls them. Went before the scat. Yeah, are we talking nostalgia?

Because this sounds pretty nice. I will draft Spip Ballers episodes pre-scat. All right, let's kick it off. Would you rather? Kevin from Patreon, which situation? Oh, no. Would you rather have?

Your child is always the best athlete on their team, but you must be the parent who yells at the coaches and referees for the whole game. Oh, no. No. Or your child is among the worst athletes on the team, but you're the coach that keeps your kid on the field the whole game, even when it hurts the team. So the blight, you're either a, that's like. blatant nepotism.

Yeah. Or you're the one on the sideline that, I mean, that parent, the one that can't stop, that won't give it up. Like I, look, if you do it one time, I know you suck as a parent, but if you stop, you've got some sense of awareness.

We've all lost our cool. Yeah, I've definitely, I mean, I haven't gone over the line, but I've definitely. Which one, though? You only hear them yell one, thing and you're like, oh, at the comment, that was intense. Yeah. Which is worse at the ref or the coach?

Oh, the coach is worse. The coach is so much worse. Because the ref probably deserved it. I mean, the parents shouldn't yell at the ref, but they're not yelling at the ref for no reason. They're yelling at the ref because they probably missed the call. I was just going to say the ref changes the next game. The coach is the same coach.

I'm with you. We've lost her cool in the moment of like, oh, that was the wrong call. It just, it just comes out of you. And then you're like, oh, I should not.

I have lost that cool. Yeah, I've, have you? I have, yeah, that's slightly. Only at a,

I know, it's surprising. It's a little confrontational. A little bit. What sport? The thing, football. Flag football.

Did you put on a gradual Mark's mask when before you said something? No, I've, I, the truth is, like, I hate confrontation. I want to avoid it like,

like crazy, right? I just I'll go way out of my way to avoid any kind of confrontation. You will eat the wrong order. I'll eat the wrong order, no problem. But I am not inept at confrontation. When I get

that line drawn, when I decide that confrontation is happening. Yeah, exactly. I'm not joking. I was going to say this and you just brought it up. You're capable in confrontation always. You're very good at it. You can put, you know, you can rhetoric and argument and logic and you'll win.

It's like I store up my confrontation. And then when it comes time, when I go, okay, I don't usually do this. But now that I'm doing this, I'm going to make it count. You know what I mean? And I will, so, I mean, I. We've needed you a couple times in the office when you've been gone and we could have really used that in confrontation with it. No, I'm, I can, I can do it. I just don't, I don't like it.

But yeah, you don't want to be on the other side of when I. confrontate. But if you're the coach and you're keeping your kid in the entire game, is there part of the other parents that are like, that sucks, but I get it. It kind of, it's part for the course. If that guy's going to coach my team as a volunteer. It depends on the age. Yes. I would agree with that. It depends on the age group because you, you do. What are the implications? Yeah. Once you start getting into like the teenage years where it's like, this is. It matters. Yes. We, you know, I coached my kid for a couple years and you all are trying to be like, hey, kids, you know, the wins and loss, that's not the important thing.

Right. I don't know if that was telling the truth. But it really, like, the wins and losses at a younger age don't matter as much. And then you get older. And now the competition is truly what matters. So for younger kids, the coach that wants to keep their kid in the whole game and they're bad, you don't like it. Be a coach. I'm with you on that.

That's where I'm. Do it yourself. Yep. I will not complain about coaches that are volunteering. If the ref's getting paid more and more money, I will yell at the rep more and more. If the coach is, if there are implications for my son moving forward in a sport

or my son or daughter, I'm going to be more serious with that coach. But as a young, that's what drives me crazy about the parents at the young age is being mad at something. It's like you've lost, like you don't know where you are. Yes.

The age makes all the difference. Because at a certain point, you know when you're when you're when you're really little you're playing for for exercise and learning how the game as much as anything then you cross over to okay now you're building a skill and then there's an age where you cross over and there's only one reason to play and it's so that you can play pro ball someday right like that's yeah yeah we're doing this yeah so i can go pro that's it that's it and every single kid there that's their goal the paycheck the amount of money you got to put into club sports.

Oh, yeah. And I just talked to somebody yesterday. His kid is 6th grade, 7th grade, club baseball. He's already written $4,000 worth of checks halfway through the year to be in club baseball. Goodness. So if you're, if you're paying, you're allowed to have an expectation. I have a new business. Ooh, it's big business.

Super duper serious. Oh, like sports. Club fantasy football. Genius. Yeah. So which one would I rather be? Well, no, I mean the question. I'd rather be the coach.

Yeah. For sure. Now, if the kids are 15 years old, does it change? Yeah, no, I'll still be the coach. I'm staying with the coach. That one is like, it's not right, but people get why you do it. The other one is not right, and you're a jerk. Well, this is, and you are, because I have been to one game in my life where this version,

your child is the best athlete, but you are the parent who yells at the coach. and referees the whole game. I was at a game. This is why there was the confronting. No, no, no. This is where there was the best athlete on, this is a totally different game. My kids weren't even in this game. I went to watch someone else.

Impartial. And this, yeah, totally impartial. And there was this dad. I mean, would not shut his mouth for 60 minutes or however long that game was. I mean just barking at his own kid, barking at the coaches, barking at the refs. Gross. This is a look. It was so gross.

Because this wasn't about the kid at all. This was all about dad. Oh, I'm, I'm, oh, man, I just wanted. What sucks is those? Look at me. Look at me. A lot of the elite athletes, you see their parents and they were like that. Yeah.

And that sucks, that that worked. I had one. That does suck. that it kind of works. Well, when you make it, you're everything. Yeah. Have you got, like, I had one game where my son was playing flag, and this is, I mean, I, I can't, he has to be eight, maybe nine.

I mean, this is, like this is, but they're the, the, they had a tournament of, you know, for the kids at the end of, and this is the championship game. We had a dad of the other team had to get kicked out. what? Yeah. Eight year old, dude. And they had to remove him. And it was like,

it was, it was so unbelievably uncomfortable when it just also starts spilling out and you're like, okay, well, let that go. Another one. Okay. And then it's, oh my God.

Did the other parent, before he got kicked out, did the other parents start saying like, shut up, be quiet? Yeah, it gets to that point where you're like, okay, someone actually has to say something to this buffoon who will not keep his mouth

shut. You're like, dude, they're eight, man. Yeah. And I'm nervous as heck. Like, I want my kid to win. Yep. But I'm, but they're eight. Come on, man. Yeah. Yeah. When I see that, I'm like, I feel bad for that family because that guy lives in the house. That they live in. That superstar athlete that I was watching. I was like, I feel so bad for that kid. Yeah. He's got to be embarrassed. If he's married, oh, man. Owen from the website, would you rather gain a dollar every time somebody lies to you or gain a dollar every time someone says something bad about you.

Okay, the best part about this is that if you gain a dollar every time someone lies to you, you know. Yeah, I was wondering, does it just show up? Do they have to hand it to you? Or does it just show up in your hand? I think there's a box at home that you go to and you're like, $12, huh? Yeah. Retrace the thoughts in your head.

You don't know. It's just the money shows up just like a little ATM. It comes out at the end of the day. Does any, do you define anything? any exaggeration as a lie? Any contortion? See, I mean, I do want to,

this is the conversation for me because it's like, how is it being used? Well, that's so important. Well, here's a good example. The first thing I thought of. Okay, go ahead. Where I was like, no, but then yes, it's a lie, which is like the old

you tell someone that you're getting off the freeway right now. You're almost there. You're getting off to freeway. You're five minutes from getting off the freeway. You're a couple miles away still. You're like, I'm exiting right now. Oh, that's a lie. Yeah, that's a lie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's definitely awesome. It's all the stupidest lie because they will find out right three minutes that you're a liar. What about, um. I mean, not the way I drive. You know what I'm saying? What if I came in here and I said, I had the worst night's sleep. That's not a lot.

That's not a lot. That's not. Even though it's not the worst in the world history. Correct. Yes. That's not. It's just hyperbole. Yeah, that's, that's fine.

That's flavorful verbiage. Yeah. That's color. Yeah. I mean, how. boring. You're like, oh, hey guys, I had this okay. I had the 117th worst sleep of my... I had

an okay-ish night. I watched a show, it was all right. Yeah, that's not lying. But the white lie category. The like lie to prevent people from hurting. Oh, man, those are tough. Oh, you're talking about... I mean, it is called a white lie for a reason. It's still

got the word lie in it. Yeah. People are like, dude, Jason's looking so much better. Yeah. Does this, do these pants make my burner? It's his burner. It's his burner account. I told you because he wasn't here on the spit. And I told you. I'm not listening to this. I'm not going to work. Ever since that episode, now we've got burner or fake burner accounts showing up on our YouTube saying, Jason, you look great. Andy shut up. Stop interrupting. For real? Oh, every episode. Oh my gosh. Those, you found my burner? We did. You've got you titled yourself way too obvious. If you had a burner.

account for comments. It would change everything I've ever thought about you for your entire life. That would... No. Is that a lie? Is a burner account a lie? I don't know. Go check your box. See if you got a dollar. So you go home. No, it's not. So which one would you... I mean, I would imagine you'd go home and find more money in the lying box, so that's the one you should pick.

What is the other option? People seeing bad stuff about you. I think part of it is you find out. You're like, oh, 15 bad things were said about me today. Or 22 lies were told to me today. If I went home and found $22 in the bad about you category. Oh my gosh. That would be brutal. Or what if you got in a fight with your wife and then you go check the box in a couple hours? Provoking her.

It's like six hundred bucks is in there. It's just like trying to go on vacation here. Yeah. A bunch of text messages to her friends about you. Each one. A dollar, dollar, dollar. Yeah. I mean, either one you could game the system.

Well, yeah. Which one feels worse? worse, though. Hearing that people are saying bad things about you, it feels a million times worse. Yeah, it is. People lie. It sucks. I wish they didn't. But people are going to lie to me. And, you know, especially if I'm going back home to check the money box,

I don't know which lies they are, which means I can lie to myself. Oh, and about which lies they were. Like, oh, you can rationalize. And you can argue some people lie. When I lie to myself. Yeah. If I tell a lie, do I get a dollar? And if you know that you're telling a lie, are you telling the lie? Hmm. I don't think we need to open that third box. So, yeah, I'm going to take the, every time someone lies.

Yeah, for sure. And then just be really sad at how many dollars exist and they're on a day-to-day basis. Hudson from Patreon. I think it would be a little happy too. With the money? Yeah, you'd be like, oh, that sucks. Some side fish. No, because it's not enough money to make me happy, but it's too much.

to make me. That's true. If there's 22 lies a day told to me, what's the over under? That's not enough money. Where does it tip over where you're like, okay, I'm happy with the money. But if it's 100 lies a day, that's a problem too. I think that one sucks too. I am so

curious. Oh, how much money there would be? What the number would be? Like, just normal life. Just today, at the end of today, how many lies were told around me? If you went to Chick-fil-A and they said, my pleasure and didn't mean it, is that a lie.

Yeah. That's not a lie. Oh, that's a lie. Oh, that's not a lie. You got to mean it. All right. Let's go. Let's go here.

Hudson from Patreon. Would you rather every time he close a car or close a door, it sounds like you slammed it as hard as you could. Or every time you open a car door, the alarm goes on. Both horrible. It's funny because I had, we had a situation in our house recently where, um, I was positive one of the kids slammed their door and they were going to get in trouble for that. Oh, yeah. And then they proved that they did not slam their door.

So you can be mistaken. Was this air conditioner related? Oh, yeah, with the suction, the vacuum power. Was that what it was? My bathroom door attached to my master bedroom. It's insane. I don't know how the, it was built wrong because how open. You need to punch a hole in that thing?

Yes. It's how open can it be? and then it gets slams closed. So if it's about two or three inches from closed, okay. And the AC turns on, it will shut itself. And you'll hear it. When you go to open that door if the AC is on, you got to push. Oh, like a-

And this is a very light, normal door. Like an airlock. Yeah, like an airlock. So if you accidentally go to close the door like Reg, you just like, oh, yeah, normal close. I need to close that door. And then the AC is blowing. You are strong.

Only when your AC is on. Yes. Have you considered there is a ghost in your air conditioning? That's the stupid thing you never said. But I will look into it. I had a house where I had to cut, I had to cut a bit in a door because of that. That means your doors, I think like it's probably cut too low to the carpet. Yeah, but I love that.

I love that. Does it scrape on the carpet? No car. It's tile. But it is like, it must be super. It is so close. They did a fantastic job with that, but why I love it. Like if you're burning alive in there, no one can tell.

It's because the smoke ain't coming through the bottom. If I am napping or want to go to bed. If the lights are on there and you shut that door, lights are off in my bedroom. Okay, that is exactly why that's happening. Yeah. So the beam of lights. No beam of light. No beam of light.

Light cannot get through this bottom of the door. If the doors are scraping the tile? I guess, but I don't hear it. It's clearly not dragging because this thing. can shut, no problem. I feel like... What was the question? Every time you close the door,

it sounds like you slammed it. Then you're walking through life as an angry person. I'm not closing any doors. Restaurants and doors and... Wait, doesn't it say car door? No, that was a misread. Oh, any door. Okay, any door.

I was like, when this was... I thought it was car door versus car alarm. I'm like, I'm clearly slam a car door. But it is very rude to slam regular doors. It's really hard, though, to slam, like, restaurant doors and stuff. Like, you can't slam it because they got to slam it. that like control in it

but you have to close it I mean you when you open the bathroom door I don't close the bathroom door it closes itself what I know he's saying in a restaurant you walk in a bathroom you're talking about her closing a door

and a restaurant oh I thought you meant at your house no no no no bathroom do you have you're talking about a restaurant I was like I wouldn't be caught dead I have my guy he closes him for me yeah that would be weird to close the bathroom door I mean when you if you're going to go into a stall in public

then you're, good news. That is a door. A stall slam. I guess this is better for us fellas, because I don't go in stalls very often in public. And if I go to stall in public, I'm probably slamming that door as is. Because this is an emergency.

A women's bathroom just has all stalls. That is correct. I know, I know, I know, I love, I know what you're saying. I've spent 40 years walking into bathrooms. They're not like that. Right. I'm just re. I love the.

I just laughing. No, this is great because I watched your journey in your mind and I was with you on it. I know the feeling of how to realize how different that is. And it's like you walk into a women's bathroom. It's nonstop stalls. That's so weird because I've never walked into a bathroom that's nonstop stalls. No, we've never. I've never had to like go clean one or something.

I've been in, I think two women's restrooms in my life. Both on accident? Well, well, I guess I've. I've actually walked into a few more for a split second. Whoa. Where's the urinals? Whoa, luxury. It's stalls only.

But I will say this. The two that I was in were way different than men's restrooms. And I'm not talking just stalls versus urinals. Do they have better stalls? Everything is nice in there. Yeah, because there's not... There are decorations on the counter. They don't pee on the floor.

Like fake flowers. And you know what else? We have it in some of ours. They get a couch? They get a couch. They do. No. Well, I've...

Wait, Josh is nodding like he... I've heard. You've been in a few. I've heard that they're like a nicer bathroom will have a place to sit. But they also then... Guys, pay attention to this. When you're in bathrooms, like a public bathroom and then. See where you don't have a mirror in a bathroom.

In guys' bathrooms, it happens all the time. We don't have a mirror. Yeah, because they can't put it up. because we're all so dumb that we're like, Mere, you know what I need to do? Scratch my initials into this thing. People do that, you're like, oh, here's a toilet seat. You know what I need to do?

Scratch my name into this. What is wrong with people? But that doesn't exist in the women's restaurants? I'm sure it exists a little bit, but not nearly as a bofoonery. I know what you're saying, but I don't remember the last men's restroom I was in where there was no mirrors anymore. I'm saying like when you're traveling, like a gas station. Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay, none of those.

Sometimes Josh has scratched his initials into women's restrooms mirrors before. Call me. I'm Josh. I mean, go to Josh. Go to the deuce or Kim. What's going on with your shirt back there, Papa Josh? It's nice and bright, man. He wore a translucent shirt today.

It makes me look tan. You can see his chest tattooed through the shirt. The nice thing is, I think this light... I think it's not picking it up. He's the guy in the bathrooms. This light and this camera, we are actually safe. but I'm telling you that when he walks around, you literally could see his tattoos.

It is as sheer as it can be. He's in a wet t-shirt contest. He's like a dry. He's so comfortable. And look, Josh, I have multiple shirts. T-shirts that are like that. They're so thin. They're so comfortable.

Oh, they're called undershirts. And what, no, just these are, and you can. Those are your home shirts. I can wear it. I'll, like, I'll wear this at home. I'll wear it to the gym. I'll wear it to a pool. What about your place of business?

To the place of business? No, I don't wear the, I've never seen you in one, Mike. Yeah. You have not. Interesting. And I have multiple. Okay.

All right. Oh, my goodness. But Josh is like, I'm going to try this on. Josh has been doing some, some, uh, changing of styles. And he's trying some things out. I'm going to be honest. The first, I am. Right now is nips out.

Look, I was going to say the first thing I heard when I walked in the office today was him, was him telling two other employees, look, look at me. Look at my nipples. and I said I said verbatim I said Josh please stop saying the word look please and then I walked by

yeah and then HR hadn't shown up here's I got in I got in late he's getting roasted he's not done getting roasted I got in late and the first thing I heard today was you looking at Josh when I got in and going are your dimples

pierced which they are not He's just like, no, they're just perky. They're just pronounced. Oh, man. To the level of pierced. They're just fully visible right now. All right.

We'll let them off the hook. We'll take a break. We'll hit some life advice. Spitballers to the rescue. Oh, man. Al Borland goes on vacation. Papa Josh steps in. Where's half a shirt?

Takes it on the chin. Oh, that's good. Life advice. It's something we're very good at dishing out, obviously. We just, we help people. And so Cammy has written in on our website. I wonder how, I actually wonder how many, because we've done a lot of shows, it's not always, we don't always have life advice. Right.

We don't, we've got to, you know, storep that kind of help. But I wonder how many people's lives we've drastically improved. Probably, it's in the millions. Yeah, it's in the millions. Cammy from the website needs our help. My husband, Nick and I, welcome to baby girl into the world one month ago. Congratulations. That's awesome.

And she says, newborn life is tough. Yep, been there. The part that is especially tough for my husband as a new father is not being able to help or bond as much as I can since I'm in charge of every feeding. Josh could. What did. You don't know what I mean? Come here, baby. You're going to be so impressed by these nips.

Oh, no. Oh, the question is late. Dirty little fella. Oh, no, no, don't make the sound. All right. What advice would you give to new dads about how to help mom or bond with a newborn? This is a good question because my. Timeout.

Yeah. This one's like way heavier. Oh, yeah. What is this? I know it's called life advice. It's really, it's a big joke. It's a bit. And we give advice about stupid things.

It's just like, my husband's having a tough. He's like really having a hard time. I mean, look, we've, we didn't have advice for this, but come on. Right. I mean, I will say this. The fear from, for your dad is like my second son co-s slept with my wife. And so I was afraid I'd roll over on my son in bed. Oh, yeah, sure.

So for the co-sleeping period, I didn't even sleep in the same bed because I was too terrified of that. Okay. And I never bonded with him. And I don't, I don't know their name. We're not really friends. I see him from time to time. He shuffles through the house. He doesn't remember me from his childhood whatsoever.

Look, comedy show aside, we are here to help people. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He's getting serious. You kangaroo this baby. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Bro, the baby Bjorn? Yeah. You kangaroo this sucker. You go chest to chest. Yeah. Skin to skin. Skin to skin.

That pouch, a kangaroo pouch is much lower. And that way, that's a little weird. We're going to go up on the top. There is actually a technique called. kangarooing where you, where you put chest to chest baby to father or mother and you put a blanket over them. Yeah. And you just lay there for a while. The heartbeats start to sink up.

Skin to skin. Pretty crazy. And then. So kangaroo. That's it. That's all you got to do. You don't jump around with the kid in the sack. Right.

That might be what you're thinking. Right. No, that's different. Yeah. Chest to chest, skin to skin. There you go. Or Josh could wear that shirt and it would also be skin to skin to skin. Right. Josh would bond.

That is. Josh would bond with this. That's what he's wearing. It's even more skin than skin. A paternal bonding shirt is what he's wearing today. And my serious advice, Cammy, is don't. A mom could feed through that shirt. Sorry to interrupt your serious advice.

That's all we need here. What's your serious advice? Is don't sweat it. Yes. Like, don't sweat it. Your time will, or your husband's time will come. Mom's got a special role there. Yeah.

He bonds when the baseball. Yeah, over hoops. NBA finals bond. You're yelling at refs. Oh, that's right. Yeah, someday you'll bond over you yelling at the bad call for him. Colin from the website, I am getting married and my wife is letting me pick a song to walk down the aisle before she does. We are both huge Disney fans, which Disney song do I and my groomsmen walk down to?

Oh. leaning towards something from Tarzan or Hercules, but need all three of your wisdom to choose the best song. Mike, this feels like your wheelhouse. It certainly is. And you're getting married. Two worlds one family, brother. It's right there. That has to be what he's thinking of him.

It's Phil Collins. Which one is that? That's Tarzan. Two worlds, one family. Trust your heart. Yeah. Let the song. is 100% certified

banger. That whole soundtrack is unbelievable. This is when he walks down the aisle? Yeah. You don't want like Gaston? No one. Strong like Gaston. No one. That will work. Yeah, I mean. That's funny. You got different directions you can go here. That's the more

Every last inch of me is covered in hair. Like that's your time to shine. Yeah. I actually like that a lot. Yeah. I mean, you get to pick. Yeah. Call your shot. Yeah, what kind of wedding is this? What kind of guy are you? If you had to pick one, Jay, what would you for you personally? What would I walk down to? Yeah. Do you even have any idea? I probably, I just can't wait to be king. That's, oh my God. That's a good answer. of those. Oh, that's great. Mike from the website,

A newer friend is asking me to be a reference for a job they are applying for. Uh-oh. After some thought about it, well, that's not how a sentence works. Maybe it is. After some thinking about it, some thought about it? Thoughts. Thoughts about it?

I don't think this particular individual is a good fit for the job. This is where the line comes in. And as a result, I don't feel comfortable recommending them for this job to this employer. What should I do? What do I say to my newer friend? Okay, so it's a newer friend, yeah.

So that I don't hurt their feelings or make things awkward. If I were a- Doesn't sound like a friend. If I were a person I have been friends with for a long time, I could just be honest with them. Do I just give them the good referral and hope for the best? You add a dollar to the box. That's what you do.

Yeah, you're going to lie here. Add a dollar to the box. Or lose a newer friend. I mean, those are your two options. I don't know what business they are applying to. Sandwich artist I cannot imagine I cannot imagine

that you care so deeply about this business that the new friend You're not even sure You're not 100% sure Or even know the friend Yeah you don't know the friend that well You can lie for this person And to help our economy

You don't need to help give jobs Yeah you don't need to be like This sentence here reveals a lot I don't think the particular individual is a good fit for the job You're taking You're stepping up too high. You're going too high in the hierarchy here.

Who are you? For a job? Like literally my best friends. If I had, like, lifelong friends, I'd be like, that's weird. You don't seem to fit that. I'm not going to. No, unless you're a criminal. Don't go good that job.

If you're a criminal, I won't recommend you. I'm not recommending you to the bank. Yeah. Or if the job is, you know, heart surgeon. No, he does not have a degree. I do not recommend him. I've had to write a couple of these letters for people that I know probably aren't the best fit for jobs. But they've asked me to write them.

Yeah. And I try to tell the truth about their best qualities. I know this guy. Yeah. I just mentioned the best things about them. You're not going to mention the worst. Yeah. And then you let the other company figure out the bad stuff later.

Yeah. Later. And you don't even got to write it yourself. Use AI. What company would you care about so much that you need to prevent? your newer friend from working at. I'm telling you, this is not a friend. He keeps referring to this as my newer friend.

Unless they're applying to be a masseuse at the place you frequent or something, I'm just trying to think how it could impact you in any negative way. Put a dollar in the box and tell, is a dollar in the box? Is a newer friend going to be making more money then? Oh, is this jealousy? Oh. It's a promotion at the same company.

Yeah, just give them a referral, hope for the best. that is the answer and we'll move on. There is one final question I saw, I think, has been in here a while. John from the internet. My boss has talked about my nipples being visible at work. How do I deal with this unwelcome attention? Oh, man. Oh, that'll go over.

And that'll do it. Good night, everybody. There's a simple solution to this. Hide them. Keep them secret. Your bosses aren't... It's very much like the one ring. Keep them secret. Keep them safe.

Yeah, I would just... And don't start every sentence with look. Like, look at my nipples. So if your bosses are talking about your nipples, John, from the internet, I would... Yeah, talk to John here. I would look inward, and I would say, why.

Just to answer that question and say what's facing outward. Because maybe you've done nothing, and they were talking about it. And then I would start at that point, maybe looking for a new place of business. If for no reason your bosses are talking about your nipples, that is not a good work environment. Would that show up on your referral letter to that new company? Oh, of course not.

I put a dollar on the box. Yeah, put a dollar in. Would not talk about- However, if they're talking about your nips, because you've asked everyone to see your nips and show your nips, then you're fine. The fact that you still have a job is. awesome in your workplace environment is great. Yeah, that's the answer. You must have a comedy podcast.

Yeah, let's take a break. We'll draft. All right. We are. We're still here. We're here. We're jumping into the draft today. And it is foods or drinks that instantly make you feel like a kid again.

We said you can draft anything that is current that makes you feel like a kid, anything that is from the past, nostalgia-wise, that makes you feel like a kid. There were, when I was through. doing. Yeah, we hadn't done that yet. Oh, the Spinballers draft. Hey, good work, Josh. That's amazing work, Nippleman. Incredible. Wow. Whoa, I, I, a couple more seconds. I think the FCC is going to shut us down. Okay. Let me go off of that. We don't have a seven-second delay. We don't have a second second delay. Thank you. Thank you very much. When I was doing research for this,

by the way, Mike, you got the first pick foods or drinks that instantly make you feel like a kid again. I was seeing pictures of things. Oh, yeah. And the pictures of the things were bringing back so many warm and fuzzies from being a kid. And it's funny because how much cancer I got from these items, I don't know. But it has to be... All of what you got. It's got to be all of the cancers. Because a lot of these don't exist anymore.

All the diseases. Man, were they good? So, Mike, you've got the first pick. Nothing quite like nostalgic treats or snacks or things like that. What do you got? Yeah, first pick in this one, I don't know, probably not the... strongest place to go. But I'm going to go, look, when you open up the fridge, you're thirsty. You're looking around. You're like, there's orange juice.

Purple stuff. There's some purple stuff. Uh-huh. Ooh, Sunny D. Sunny D. I, I mean, I don't know the last time I had a sunny delight. I You were a kid. I think it's still around. I think that they do grown-up sunny delight now. They've tried. They've tried to mark it to the real. To all of us growing up, They've tried to hit it. Like, I'm in. Now, was Sunny D ever containing anything that actually was orange juice? There is nothing.

It's all just fake. There is no nature. In that bottle. Yeah. That is just science. Yeah. Okay. That's a good pick.

That's a good pick. It's funny because the first things that I thought about just naturally, like that came to mind, boom, bam. They were all drinks. Okay. Yeah. I don't know if that's because. I found a lot of them with that. I'm just out running and playing basketball or getting sweaty and then you need to cool off.

But I'm going to take the one thing on my list that I can't believe it's not around anymore. I mean, there's things like it. But it's another drink. It's just squeeze it. Okay. Because that is exclusive to kids. Squeeze it if you don't remember. It's basically Kool-Aid in a little pre-packaged.

It was bleeding PFAs into your drink. It's a plastic. It's the same. stuff they put in the hummingbird feeders. It practically was. And the container is, it's got a little hole, a twist off top. Oh, it was so easy. It was so portable, like the design of it.

They don't make squeezes anymore, do they? I don't know. They don't, no. Probably because I would never buy them for my children. Probably because of the cancer. Yeah. But those things were, those things were awesome. And they were exclusively, like, I feel like.

Were we killing turtles with the bottles or something? I think we were killing humans. with the bottles. Do you remember you could like squeeze it and get and it would have suction, then it would stick to your tongue? Oh, yeah. Okay. Thank goodness.

Come on. Everybody knew that. Yeah. Squeeze it. Awesome. That was at the tippy top of the list. Yeah. That was one of the first things I thought of as well.

I'll go with another beverage then. Just because when I drink it, I feel like I'm kind of like cheating and stuff. Because it's just not something that's a normal, casual drink. If you drink it now, it just reminds me to be in a kid. and having fun. It's chocolate milk. Yeah. Okay. It's chocolate milk. We grew up in a time where I ate at the cafeteria

every day at school, and every day they just pump kids full of chocolate milk. You just got the little paper or... I was never a chocolate milk guy. Well, that's a terrible mistake. Even now... Because I wasn't when I was a kid.

Oh, that's a mistake. Chocolate milk is really good. It was probably my parents' fault. Yeah, kept you healthy. You have less cancer. Yeah, well, my kids have been banished from chocolate milk as well. I didn't get it. You don't get it either.

Brother, it's really delicious. So I'll go chocolate milk for the first one. The second one, I have a bunch of things that pop into my head. I'm going to go with, I'm going to go with gushers.

Okay. Oh, yeah. The gusers, the fruit snack revolution was like, it was like they had, all the scientists of the world got together and they figured out

how to put, it was the pinnacle. How to put like a fruit snack. A little bit of, goo in the middle of a fruit snack and it was like science had unraveled the space time continuum and given us the greatest treat ever and the commercials made it like i love gushes because of the commercials and in my imagination they are great and i love eating them but they're not that good when you what's they're oh peter pan you grew up they don't they don't hear what i'm not saying

I love them. I love eating them. I feel like they used to be better. I don't, I do too. Maybe they used to be better. Now you open a package, they all stick together is one piece.

That's, and there's nothing inside. That's how they always were. You need to bring, that's what I think. Well, they always stuck together. Two packets.

You need to bring two, because gushers was the number one, let me have one, candy at lunch. Oh, and they skimped on those packs. They did. It was like five gusher per pack.

So I'll go gushers with the chocolate milk. I'm already having a great time. Yeah. Jason is back to you. You've got to squeeze it. Now, didn't they make like squeeze-its with like characters and shapes on the bottles too? I'm sure they did. I'm pretty sure they did.

All right. This one is one of my favorite things in the world. And I still have them from time to time. It's not a common occurrence. But I genuinely think part of the reason I love them is because it makes me feel like a kid. It makes me like it's a children's food. and so if I can just eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, baby. I remember on my honeymoon, we took a Disney cruise, so this is where I feel like I'm a grown-up.

Right. But then I found out you can order room service for free, and I can get 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at midnight, and I was just like I was a kid again. It is a 12? Oh yeah, that's not even a joke. That's what I ordered. 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. How many do you eat? 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

All right. You're not listening. It's great. I mean, and with chocolate milk, even better. I could. That combo. Eat infinity peanut butter and jelly. I don't get full on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

I couldn't. If you brought me a plate as large as this table, I could eat at all. I am positive. Yeah. I believe in you. Mike, you were back on the clock. You got some sunny D making you feel like a kid. again. Yep. All right. I got my, I got two. I'm locked in here. Number one is, which,

thank goodness, ice cream man still comes around. Okay. It does. But the, the absolute goat, I'm going to just call it a generic over here, but it's the character ice cream bars. Sure. So we got, we had Ninja turtles. Sound like the Ninja Turtle ones with the gumball eyeballs. We had Sonic, Tweety Bird. Tweetie. Yeah, the Looney Tunes. Oh, man. Oh my gosh. Remember Looney Tunes? No real ice cream in those either, are there? With the little bubble gum eyeballs.

Yeah, the eyes are always a candy. And like, it's the, those are the absolute best. And they always look nothing like the bagels. Oh, they're monsters when you open them up. They are, they're half melted. Yeah, yeah, half melted monsters. Kill me. Kill me.

Eat me fast. I'm a bounty of science. I'm so green. it was the absolute goad. That's a great. So I had ice cream truck items. Yeah. And I didn't know if you guys would let me pick that or not. But I totally because anything from an ice cream, when the ice cream truck is pure nostalgia. Yeah. Yeah. And it just, it drives around. It brings joy to children. It does. And you know what? But it also brings terror to adults. Oh man. You're in the, I was, so we moved,

we're in a gated community now. So the ice cream man doesn't come by, can't come by. But before we moved here. We had an ice cream guy that came by all the time and he found out that if he comes by our street all the time, he gets money all the time and there were moments where I could hear it before the kids inside and I literally, I'm like

jamming at music? I am turning up music. I'm talking to the kids. I'm doing things to distract them. They cannot hear this monster outside. I have done this because my children have very good hearing and it's and it is a, it's a 100

Check out my new song, guys. Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. It's 100% guaranteed that as soon as one of them hears it, they stir up the whole house, they come running, screaming. Dad, can we get ice cream? And it's like a lot of times, yeah, but there's, look, there's times where it's like, an ice cream truck? Social experiment.

If you're an ice cream truck, with the amount of excitement the kids have inside the house running out into the street, could you just charge a $30 a bar? I never even ask for the price. I'm just like, yeah, okay, pay. I've already decided they've run up. that is. Yeah. Yeah. There's no way I'm going to let my children down once they've

stood there for way too long, figuring out what they're going to get. So funny. Dude, you need a subscription to that. No, we don't. It comes like every day. You get one bar a day. Oh, man. I'm going to invent that. All right. You've got character ice cream bars from the ice cream. My next pick,

I'm hitting multiple nostalgia things here because children gather around. I know it doesn't seem like it, but at once upon a time, Pizza Hut was the absolute most legendary pizza place. And then when you were a child,

if you read enough books over the summer, you earned yourself a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut. And boys, those things full sand. Every once in a while, you'll come across in an airport, and they'll have like the ready to go. Pizza Hut, personal pan pizzas.

And it's like, well, I'm getting one of those because this tastes like my childhood. It tastes like happiness. So yeah, personal pan pizza hut pizza. Very, it has to be pizza.

There's nothing like accomplishing your reading goal and getting rewarded with a small pizza. Well, I'll tell you what is equally as good. Not accomplishing your reading list. But still getting the reading reward. if you know what I mean. Are you a dollar in the box?

Dollar in the box, Mike. You guys got the stars and didn't read. More like $10. Oh, man. Brutal. Jason, you are back. I read plenty. On the clock.

All right. Chapter counts as a star on your little bucket. Well, speaking of a star, my next pick was inspired. I didn't have this on my list coming in. But you talked about gushers and you talked about the lunch room. and what was always the most envied or most shared. This was my lunch staple. I don't think one day of high school or grade school or middle school went by without a star crunch.

Yeah. I knew there was going to be a little. Let me see what. It's a little niche. It's, it is niche. I know it. And I wonder if it was just real big in our school, Jason. It's a little, it's a little Debbie.

Is it still? Oh my gosh. It's a cookie with caramel and crisp rice. You never knew quite what it was. So it's a cookie. that is... It's like caramel dunked and then covered

and rice? Yeah. When you bite it, it didn't bite like a cookie. You'd have to tear off a piece. Because of the caramel. Because it's basically a candy ball. Oh, man.

It was a candy ball. I highly recommend everyone go buy a Star Crunch right now. They exist? Apparently, yeah. Little Debbie doing work. The idea that there's a Star Crunch factory for the last 30 years

just pumping these things out, still selling them. Okay, good pick. I have chocolate milk and gushers. I have too many items on the list. So I'm having a hard time deciding. I will go hot pockets.

Okay. Okay. Because I haven't had a... You asked me the last time I've had a hot pocket. I promised you it was when I was a child. But it was the easiest lunch on earth. Mom's saying, eat lunch, eat something. Grab a hot pocket.

Molten lava, ham and cheese. Try your best to eat the thing but without setting your mouth on fire and run back outside to play. We pick up some of the food. hot pockets from time to time for the children. Yeah. It's very convenient. Put this in the air fryer.

That's true. You can air fry them, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Sounds pretty good. I haven't had diarrhea in a while. And I'll close it out with fun dip.

I'm going to close it out with fun dip because that was the, you know, the fun dip was just, again, another trick on the parents here. Oh, we're going to give you a stick of sugar. Yeah, it's just a stick. It's a stick of sugar. that you dip in sugar, but then what would really happen is you'd end up eating the stick too soon and then just pouring all the sugar, the remaining sugar, which by the way, the stick was always the best part.

There were two flavors, strawberry, and your mouth is blue for a week. Those are the two flavors that you got and the berry one was even better. And your poop was blue. Oh, everything. I mean, this is the thing. They're trying to get you to stop with all the artificial colors and stuff now. But I think where you're all fine, right? from like a, I think we had an IV of artificial colors for about 20 years.

I don't know if I'd call us fine. Oh, yeah. I mean, living. Yeah, we are alive. Fine, I don't know. I've seen your blood work, Andy. You've got a few problems in there. Think about, is that from the fun dip?

Probably. Think about the memories we have, though. That's true. You want to have joy and some health problems? I don't know. But I'll close it out with fun dip. All right. All right.

I'm back up. I'm really close between two I'm not going to pick this and I don't think anybody would Wait, you're not going to pick it? I'm real, what just happened? I'm not picking this and nobody would All right, but I'm not even going to tell you about it.

It was, it was fish sticks because Oh, that would have been a kid's thing. Yeah, to me it's like, it's a grownup, but I don't eat fish sticks. Yeah, you don't eat fish sticks. I don't, like I do, does any grownup eat fish sticks? No, because we eat fish and chips. Right.

Yeah. Beer battered cod, Atlantic caught. It's way more sophisticated. Fish sticks into a stick. Fish sticks are for children, but that's not what I'm picking. I'm going to pick something else that kids eat. I'm taking fish sticks. It's available.

But it's a happy meal. It comes with a toy. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. That's fine. It's an outstanding. It's pretty on the nose. It is super on the nose.

You have to be a kid to order it. But, I mean, you don't. Or put a dollar in the box. You know what I mean This is a new line I love the dollar in the box I mean there's no way to not Can I pay a dollar and get away with a lot

Is that what we're saying? That's what we're saying So long as you put a dollar in the box You say anything you want Dollar in the box I mean have you gotten one for yourself Recently? No no I've never in my life

I have never in my life ordered a happy meal for myself Because when I had happy meals I was a kid I've ordered happy meals for my children. I think I'm going to go through you clearly didn't know about when Burger King was giving away

Pokemon stuff with their kids meals. Suddenly you had a lot of kids, Mike. I was a kid. I was a teenager kid. That does not count. It doesn't count? It does not count. Because it's not a toy.

Because it's not a happy meal. Burger King doesn't have happy meals. Happy meals are exclusive. They have kids meals. Yes, everybody does. But the nostalgia was the box. Even more than the food. I don't care if I got Nuggies or

French fries or I don't even care what the toy was it was the box yeah I got you I got you the real nostalgia it's a good pick Mike what do you got close us out man I bet Josh has a bunch of like mid 60s early 70s stuff he could share

yeah whoa whoa whoa hey come on cover those things up it's inappropriate oh my gosh yeah I'm saying as I got a lot I'm gonna go rice errone Josh is that Oh, San Francisco

That's a good treat That's a good picture I love it. But Rice and Roney's not a kid thing Like I eat that every year Oh here we go Cream of Wheat Is that one of your top?

I used to love cream of wheat There you go It does I knew it All right I'm gonna go with lunchables Yeah Oh for sure

I was never literally Zero times ever Allowed to have a lunchable I don't understand I don't mean this in a mean way But you're like Dad checks out with everything All the other stuff

I know about your childhood. Oh, you mean the no cable? Yeah, just like, yeah. No cable TV? The way that your parents would, what they would be like, this is okay and this is not. And it wasn't, because luncheables were too expensive. It wasn't for health. I was going to say it was not about, yeah, no, they were way too expensive. It was because they were expensive. Yeah, and they're still are. Crap. They're still as mid as a kid. They're so bad for you. They're bad for you. They're so bad. Some of them. The pizza ones were just like, dude, I was just going to go on a

Here's your unmelted cheese and your freezing tomato sauce. And that's like all the kids' favorite ones because they build it. And I'm like, what? Yeah, build your own pizza with your cold sauce. It's so disgusting. It's so gross. Go find a microwave now. They don't do it.

They just literally take the little cold dough and then they fill it with cold marinera. And then they put cold mozzarella on it. And then they eat it like a cookie. Yeah. It's disgusting. That's their favorite ones. That's like my son, Isaac. All day, every day.

He would pick that 10 out of 10 times. If you've got the hole, you could do all these different ones. He always wants the pizza. Oh my gosh. Disgusting. That's so funny. Yeah. Some honorable mentions on the list.

I put ants on a log. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't especially love having to eat ants on a log as a kid. No, that's raisins on peanut butter in celery. Yeah, like peanut butter, celery. Okay. I also put pigs in a blank.

blanket. If you had pigs in a blanket and ants on a log on the side, that was a thing. Ever have bagel dogs as a kid? I had bagel bites. Oh, bagel bites is on the list. Bigel bites is on my list, but I already took the handy snacks, the Ritz handy snacks with the little red plastic cheese spreader. We had those forever. Oh, I forgot about those. Oh, and that couldn't have been cheese. Couldn't have been anything close to the sheet. That was straight plastic. That was the, that was if you melted the orange crane and put it in there with the cook. That's a good. I forgot all about that. Those were Dunkeroo's. Yeah.

I think that Totinos. The last one is the I don't know what brand, but it's just like the chocolate wafer bars. Oh yeah. Wait, are you talking nutty bars? Are they called, is it a nutty bar? Oh, brother. It was never. Nettie bars are elite. At my elementary school

You got two of them, man. They were just sold. Yeah. So they were on it. It was just in the plastic bag. I never knew any branding. It was just, here's It sounds like a nutty bar. It was a nutty bar or a Starcrush for me every day. Two pack, Mike? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, that's a nutty bar.

Yeah, that's a nutty bar. Yeah, they're great. I had them at my house last week. That sure looks like what it. That's also Little Debbie. Yeah, she's doing work. Nutty bars are 100% what you had, dude. I had Capri Sun.

Oh, yeah. I had ego waffles and toaster strudels. Oh, my gosh, toaster strudels. Cinnamon toast crunch, specifically. cereals for kids and then bubble tape. Oh, all cereal. All cereal being off the list is dumb. That's such, I mean, Lucky Charm should have been a pick. I think the reason that we didn't pick that is because we've probably all had a bowl of cereal. Yeah, like we eat a bowl of cereal from time to time. It's not, it's not just for kids. That was the outlier at my house, by the way.

Couldn't get lunch or bowls, couldn't get anything. I'm not joking. We had 20 series at a time at all times. Every cereal under the sun. People wanted to come spend the night just so that they could wake up, breakfast and pick the selection. I don't know why we bought it all. I don't know if it's a coupon game. Maybe the coupons for the cereal were out there all the time. Cocoa puffs and Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes and Apple Jacks. We had multiple cereals as well.

And you had your pick from Cheerios, rice checks. Yeah, you were one of those houses. Rice Krispies. Yeah, I hate it. It's been the night at those houses. Look, every once in a while, grapes nuts? Did you get the grape nuts? Grape nuts were definitely there.

Total. Some total fiber. Would they allow you to sprinkle sugar over the cereal? I never did because I liked the rice checks and the rice Krispies. We were never allowed to sprinkle. Oh man, I sprinkled.

I sprinkled on the sugary cereal. I did it in my later days. You scraped the bottom. Yes. Scraped the bottom of the bowl. I mean, I've had it. I did it and it is better. It is much better. But the fact that we figured out that this is what we should be eating in the morning every day. Bravo America. Yeah.

What did we learn today? Too much about Josh. Yeah. I learned a lot about Josh. I think that's what we'll go with. Too much about Josh. Too little fabric. Really.

Not enough shirt. Not enough shirt. I'm going to get him some band-aids cover up. Thanks for tuning in, everyone. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. No.