Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Dragon Diarrhea & Children's Book Character Battle Royale - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

Spit Hit for February 26th, 2026:  Dragon flight may come with some problems. A great round of What’s the Difference and a hilarious Children’s Book Character Battle Royale all make for one can��t miss episode.  Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's a bo da, ba, ba, ba da-da-do. A little crooner? All right. I don't even know if I would call that crooner. No? I don't know what I...

I'll be honest. Before the Spivallers podcast... It was too smooth. I never heard the term crooner in my life. And then Mike brought it up once. I mean, would you call that crooner, Mike? Yes. Okay.

I would go. It's crooner. If you saw, if you saw me driving with a hat and a cigar, you'd be like, yeah, that's how you would sound. That's the driving crooner. It was just pretty,

it was buttery smooth. They're all smooth, man. That was the thing. Welcome, man, to the spitballers episode 324. Would you rather, what's the difference in a battle? Roy Allen on today's show. We'll...

Oh, man. Going to murder you. We'll let you know what it is in a little while. Just don't look at the title. Don't look at the title of the show. Add Spitballers Pot over on X. Let's kick it off. Would you rather...

Would you rather have the speed of a cheetah? But only when barefoot. Hmm. Okay. Or the strength of a gorilla, but only when you're holding a balloon. this is a really weird one it's a really weird one you're we're batting lead off with this

here's the here's the truth of the cheetah one that would be the pick except if I could run that fast barefoot how do I not injure myself you would injure your feet because I like I just don't think our feet as humans are as durable as a cheetah's feet like I could not

you don't have a paw right like when I run are not made for... I'm not worried about my tint. You're worried about the skin. I'm assuming the tendons are going to come part and parcel with the speed of a cheetah. It's all going to work. I'm worried about stepping on glass or stepping on a rock. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Anything like that. I can't see where I'm going ever run that fast. It's pretty much you get to run fast in grass. Like, that's like where else is there a comfortable enough plush footing that you can run long distances? Oh, yeah. Would you be okay at the beach? Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, you could be fine. the chance of stepping on something at the beach is... On a track? I will say this. It could be really valuable at the beach because sometimes you go to the beach in the summer. It's like, oh, I'm off. Yeah, if you run that fast, do you feel heat underneath your feet?

I don't... I'm going to say no. I would think no. Average speed is 40 miles an hour. That's a cheetah? I thought it was 60. Well, no, that's the average. Their top speeds, they can go 65 to 75.

Dude, running... Running even 40. Running 40 miles an hour Would be awesome The cheetah was by far my favorite animal growing up Because of that speed So cool It's fun

But see a cheetah lives out in the wild And has to go hunt things Where would we ever You like let's say you could run You can just run with shoes on Okay new question You got shoes on you can run 40 miles an hour

When you just decide to sprint You could sprint 40 miles an hour would I run to work? Where would you use this? Would I run to work? No. It's not like you're not going to sweat. Would I?

Would you run just like for your like local shopping? Like how fast I can do this in the grocery store? No. Check me out. No, I just, just be racing people. I'd race. I'd race people. You'd race people once.

Because it would be like. Nah, do you don't want to raise this guy. What are you talking? But once I could, you think I can't, I don't have to run 40. I can't. just barely faster than you. It's like the end of Incredibles. When Dash is running,

they're like, go, go, go, no, too fast, too fast. Okay, now go. What's what the gorilla holding a balloon situation? I mean, you're essentially one, you have one arm then. So if you're holding a balloon, you've got one arm. You got a little bit more than one arm. I don't really know.

Why you're holding a balloon? If you're holding a balloon, I could still use, you know, I could hold a balloon with like two fingers. What do you call that thing there? the string? No, no, no, no. If I, when you try a balloon, and then there's the little floppy,

rubbery belly button. I like that you call the tag. Tag makes sense. I knew what you meant. Like a skin tag? Yeah, but that can't be right. I don't think it matters. The balloon hole?

Bonanus? Look, if you, I'm on it. I don't know. Is the guerrilla's strength so amazing that it would change my life? Balloonus. Thank you, Jeremy.

I knew I said it wrong. Yeah, gorillas are crazy strong. I want to know how much compared to a human. Can they lift? Are you on a J? I'm on it. Are they picking up cars? No.

Okay, so we got somewhere below picking up cars. That's stupid. I'm guessing they're not that strong. It's called a neck. Oh, you're looking up that. Yeah, the balloon. I want a fun name. The neck?

Some people may refer to it as the nozzle. That's a little better. Nozzles good. Nozzles good. Okay, what if I told you, Andy? Grab it by the nozzle. Let's see. So the strongest human weightlifters can only lift around 885 pounds.

I'm not sure of which exercise we're talking about where a silverback could lift. Oh, a silverback can lift over 4,000 pounds on a bench press. What? 4,000 pounds. They get them into bench presses? I want to see. Yeah. How are they testing?

So then the book Congo. Did anybody ever read the book Congo? I saw the movie. Yeah. The movie's awesome. It wasn't good. That's why I didn't read the book. But the gorillas would crush the skulls of the people.

Yeah, I bet they could do that. So they could probably do that. Yeah. So if they grab you, they could. Not take 4,000 pounds of pressure. They could just pop your skull. And your. So I can do that with one hand.

Do I get one hand of strength then? Well, I mean, you, Jason's right. You can still have two hands. I was imagining like holding in like a football. No, I think you just, you can't let go of the balloon. But you've got it. I mean, it's like you've got a. Oh, man, that would be a bummer.

You're in the middle of lifted something. And you drop the balloon and it comes crashing down on you. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, this might be the one time on a serious show like this where this question is too stupid for me to answer. I'm going to go with the gorilla. Okay. Because I think I'll be able to use most of one hand, all of the other. And I'll use strength far more often than I would sprint anywhere.

I think knowing that you can actually escape anything would be valuable. because if you were out hiking or something in an animal camera you literally remember that I don't run from a bear no I can run from a bear wait you're out hiking barefoot yeah because have fun running 40 miles an hour on the mountain side I'm building my calluses up if I know I have this super ability just every day you're walking on poles everything yeah yeah I'll have the strength on the plus side if you're the gorilla I'll just grab the animal coming at me and crush it

you will always have balloons on you that's true you learn how to balloon animal. They'll call me, well, Mr. Balloon Hands. Why is that guy who's got a balloon? It's Mr. Balloon Hanks. Which one did you go with, Mike? Not my chair. I think Jason talked to me into the gorilla. Oh, my gosh. I'm just, I'm balloons everywhere.

Grady from the website, would you rather be able to write flowers? Wait, wait, wait. Does it say, does it say that the balloon has to be inflated? Did it say it? Oh, because I can loophole this. I'll put a balloon right on my finger. Yeah. Yeah, baby. I'm super strong. Just don't take the balloon off my finger.

Is a balloon a balloon a balloon if it's not inflated? Yes. Yeah, I'll buy a bag of balloons. It's a deflated balloon. Yeah, oh yeah. There's no other name for it. I got, who submitted this question? That just doesn't feel like it.

We don't know. Oh, it does say inflated. It says inflated. Oh, it does? Yeah. In all caps. Did you change that? Yeah, he did.

Grady from the website, would you rather be able to write, flawlessly in any font. That's pretty cool. Wait, so handwrite in any font. Or speak in any accent, but not the, not the language, just the accent. Are we talking like, I'm speaking English, but I will then have an accent. Yeah, so you can speak in a Scottish accent. You can speak in a British accent.

If you have a British accent, you sound smarter. People take you more seriously. Sometimes. I would say most of the time. I would say the vast majority of the time. So maybe not overseas, but in America? If I was a judge in a courtroom and I had two lawyers and one has the British accent, I trust him a lot. I trust him a lot more.

Whatever he says, I believe. Yeah, I get that. So here's the Pierce Brosnan. Here's the problem with the handwriting in the courtroom. The handwriting flawlessly in any font is the stupidest thing ever. And let me tell you why. Why? Because at the end, it looks.

like I typed this up. Yes, it does. All I did was slowly type it up. In the end, I'm ending with a printed piece of paper. I had the same thought. Except it took me four times as long. I can type like 100 words a minute. Right.

We're not talking. Like you could write real big. You could do something on the wall. You imagine if you just scribbled on a little notepad and handed me like a little comic sands note. How stupid? I would never. I would never.

I'm not a comic sans guy. Don't you put that evil on me? I don't know. You kind of look like a comic sans guy. If you're going to be a. insult and at least go like impact. Don't comic Sans me. What's wrong with impact? Impact is still a low tier. Impact is the meme font.

Okay, papyrus. Oh, papyrus. I'm not Avatar. Yeah. No, I'm, uh, I'm Avinere next. Okay. That's my phone. That's not bad. I don't even know the name way. I'm so fancy. We all know I'm Helvetica. I'm something boring. Maybe Times New Roman. Yeah. Times old times new Roman. insulting people.

I'll do the accent. I think that that's just more exciting. Well, you do a pretty good Scottish accent. No, no. Yeah, you do. Watch, listen. Spitwads want to hear it. Something to say.

Okay, so. I'm Scottish. Yeah, you want to, you want to. Freedom. Perfect. There you go. Yeah, that's what he said. Oh, boy.

You don't even need that one. Ian from Patreon. Remember how good you're Australian. Throw another shrimp on the Bobby. Do your Schwarzenegger. Trowen. What? Get down.

Yeah, that's much better. Oh, sorry, Eddie. Get down. Ian for Patreon, would you rather people think you are always lying or always being sarcastic even when you're not? Oh, man. I've run into the second one before. Yeah. This was an actual problem for me in high school.

Like an intervention level problem. It is a massive problem at my house right now. The sarcasm? Yeah. My kid. Oh, I love it. The sarcasm? Dude, saying words funny is really underrated and we need to do it more.

No, but like all three of my kids, like literally the last few days, I've had to stop and say, guys, not everything has to be a sarcastic remarks. It's a little boy who tied wolf situation? Where I'm like, hey, like, do you want some water? Do I look like I want some water? You're like, oh my God, just answer the question. Just answer the question, man. You're driving me nuts. You know, I look like a fish?

Yeah. Oh, gosh. But if you always, if people always think that you're lying, that is way, way worse. I mean, but then you just lie. I mean, sarcastic you might be interpreted as a butthole. Yes. But liar is worse. You're interpreted as a liar.

Yeah, you're a liar. Unless it's like a. playful thing. Like some people playfully lie all the time, Josh. You know? Yeah. Where they're just like, I think that's embellishing. See, that's not lying. No, I know. If you believe your own, but if you believe it. Yeah. If you believe facts about yourself that are wrong, is that embellishing or lying? I think it's embellishing. Really? If you believe it's true. Lying has to have intent, right? Right. So it's not lying. It's not a bellishing. I don't even

Embellishing doesn't have to have Yeah Really? Yeah When you embellish something You're like I'm trying to make it sound better than it is But what if you believe it in your own brain? You don't think that you could be embellishing something

unknown to you Like that I could accidentally embellish You could I guess you could Can you accidentally lie? No Not really because lying takes an hint It's an act

You can accidentally not tell the truth I don't think you can accidentally embellished Okay, well, we've gone full circle here. Yeah, I don't, maybe. Yeah, you don't want to be a liar. That would be a misremembered. If you were known as a liar, that sounds.

And no one can trust you. No one around you can trust you. I feel like people would just call me Falcon. You know what I mean? They'd be like, I can't trust. I untrustworthy, a schemer. I have to be really careful around this person. Now, Josh, you say you can't play any social deception games because you get voted out.

Yeah. Does that mean because you're too convincing? Yes. Oh, he's too good. He's the best. I'm the best at social. Stop it. Stop it.

It's becoming a real thing, man. I can't do this because I'm the best. I can't even play those games too good. I'm too good at these games, everybody. I'm not allowed. My friends won't let me play. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Wait, you've got to go. I feel like he's red right now. Can we, yeah, there you go. Yes, perfect. You're watching this. We have all their podcast on YouTube. He took all of the falcon. He took the brunt of the falcon jokes.

Because we were at lunch and Josh was. Embellishing. Well, no, Josh, Josh was just being Josh. But then we brought it to his attention how much he is actually Josh. and he decided that he's like, I don't want to do that anymore. Oh. He can't stop. And he can't stop.

It's just it's who he is, man. That's why I said maybe you could be like a playful liar. Like if everybody knows that you're the goofball that always lies, maybe that could be. I mean, we're all going to take the sarcasm. Yeah. I'm trying. It doesn't matter. Either way, you have no friends if you're either of those people.

That's fair. Leslie submits this question to us from the website Would you rather have the ability to become a dragon Oh here we go At Will Which sounds awesome It's awesome Or be able to summon two dragons at will

Completely under your control Adult dragons So under This matters Of course adult dragons What do you mean? I just said dragons Yeah

But it would specify You don't ever say adult dragon, you just say dragon, you say baby dragon. Yeah. If you just say a dragon, of course. They're adults. Oh, I got you. I said dragon, but it was... Are we out of... It's an egg. Adolescent? Just saying, when you're

talking to a genie, you've got to be very specific. All three dragons, so the two that you could summon or the one that you become are all adults. Are you a human size? Okay. No, no. You're becoming a... You're just a... You're a full-blown dragon. Okay. But here's the thing. This is a very, very...

very definitive answer for me. I think it is for me, too, but I'm curious if anyone's on the other side so that they can convince me. Well, we may be on the opposite. I have more dragon questions. I will 100% I want the two dragons. Oh, I am on the other side. I get to fly because I'm flying on a dragon. Sure, don't fall off.

I know. No, I won't. They'll catch you. Because every single person in the history. They'll catch with their what mouth, their giant? No, they'll fly underneath. They've got a best. I've got a backup dragon to catch me.

He could fly underneath the other dragon at all times to catch me. I'm sure if you fell off the first dragon flying at 45 miles an hour. Your biggest issue here is falling off the dragon? 100%. Every movie, every show, every book. There aren't people plummeting to their deaths off of dragons. They're just fine. Look, DeNaris makes it look easy, but that's fake.

This would be real. You don't know how to train your dragon, okay? I'm just saying. You get companionship. You get a friend. Yeah, you do. You get two dragons. You get two dragon friends.

You know how much money it's going to cost to feed those dragons? That's fine. I don't know. I'm pretty sure they can find food. They're dragons. They can, but then eventually they figure out the people figure out their your dragons. Yeah. They're going to come calling after you.

Where's my cattle? Pay me for my cattle. They're gone. Yeah. Well, then the dragons eat them. It's fine. I'm in power. I'm good.

So now you understand what happened with Deneres. Yes. And now people are sick of losing their. You'd call me the village to your dragons. I'm the dragon king. And you're the dolphin king. And then people start attacking your dragons. Eventually, the people will kill the dragons.

Better them than killing me the dragon. Well, when it's you the dragon, you could choose to not eat people. Yeah. And you can choose to... You know that people, when dragons come around, they don't go, oh, I wonder if it's a nice dragon. They go, let's kill the dragon. That's what happens. You're getting

I was asking. I said I had more dragon questions. All right. Give me your dragon questions. Like which dragons are we talking about here? Because dragons in like, in Chinese lore. Whatever kind chat GPT would create out of a picture if you said, show me a dragon. Yeah.

And we're not talking Chinese dragons. Like there's Euro dragons and then there's Asian dragons. They're not the long ones with people inside of the... Why not? Because that's not a dragon, Mike. It is a dragon. It is a dragon. It is a dragon. If I say you're a giant lion and the... middle of the, in the middle of the plains, you don't go, is it a mountain lion? You just, you know what it is.

Everyone does know what. When we say a dragon, you know what it is. No one here picture of a Chinese dragon. De Nairis was not riding a Chinese dragon like we've been talking about. I will say that there's, I have questions. There is a lot. It is less likely that a Chinese dragon would need to be murdered. Yeah, they're nice. Right.

Oh, by the way, I'm summoning these two dragons at will, which means I can understand. summon them, which means I don't want to feed them. Well, do they eat when they're unsummed? Where do they go? They're always full when I summon them. Yeah. I think that's... You're going to see reports on news.

Like, Village rated again. 20 more humans are gone. I think Andy's right there. If you summon them and then, you know, disappear them. It's like a pokey ball. Yeah. They're just coming back at full strength. They're just sleeping and filling their meters.

while they're in another world. I'll be like, smoke and stack. Get out here. So I was on the, I want to become a dragon's side because I want to fly. Okay, you could say, oh, I get to fly. You can do that now. You could jump out of an airplane. You could fly in an airplane. I've flown at 30,000 feet.

You know, you're not doing the flying. Oh, I'm not doing the flying if I'm riding on a dragon either. I thought you were talking about you wanted to turn into a dragon. No, I'm saying I do. I want to turn into a dragon because I want. to fly. I want to feel the wind beneath my wings. If you could transform into an eagle or summon one dragon, which would you choose? Oh, I would be a dragon. So the wind beneath your wings is only a partial. Yeah, I mean, that's just like if we're talking dragons, I'd rather be one than

summon one. But summoning two, I don't know, is there any real advantage? Not unless I'm in like going to war. To have more than one? Yeah. Dragon? Yeah, like, where would I be like man, that dragon I summoned, he just couldn't do it. If only I had two dragons. Why would anybody need two dragons? War. I mean like then. Okay, I've got an army to defeat. I guess a backup dragon in case one gets sick. Oh, can it? Or has to poop or something? Oh, yeah. You don't want to be under a dragon poop. Now, if I am the dragon, I can aim that thing. I can go right over Andy's house. You're thinking your pool's going to get destroyed. The benefit of you becoming a

dragon is pooping on people? With dragon scat? Laying a bomb. That's a good nickname. I'm emptying your pool. Curse flash. Yeah, I'm going to be up top going, Cather ball! I mean, do we have precedent on dragon? Do we know if they don't just incinerate?

Like, they might just incinerate their their waste. Oh, no, no. The fire's in the mouth. Yeah. It's not in the others. If you watch, what if a dragon is Chipola, though? It's not just.

in the mouth. Well, then it's going to have diarrhea. Now you've got a real big problem. Now I get to spray it around even further. How did we get here? How did we get here? Yeah, I'm definitely becoming the dragon. Because of the poop thing. Mike, you final answer? Or do you have more questions? My questions are limitless. Not all about Chinese dragons.

Dude, they're awesome. They're cool dragons too. Nobody's saying that other dragon versions are bad. We're just saying that people know what a dragon is. Yeah That's all That's all we're saying I don't think your original thought When it was like

You could turn into a dragon And you went Well hold up I mean you did You were like Yeah People have questions They have questions

I will I'm gonna turn into a dragon Okay It wouldn't be bad My man let's fly around together Poop on Andy's house Are you giving people rides No

Neither are you No If you could become a dragon You're not giving a ride Well I mean For money I will absolutely give rise. Oh, for like.

For money, yeah. But the thing is, is that means I can turn away from being a dragon. Yeah. At any time. Oh, no. So I could just take people. And drop them. Yeah, and then turn back into a dragon.

Sorry. You'd be like, do you want me to catch you? Now flying. Oh, man. All right. We'll take a break. Got another segment for you, whether you like it or not. What is the difference?

Between lying. Oh, gosh. Embellishing. Embellishing. Now, what is the difference between a, between craving, wanting, and needing? Okay. Craving is specific. Craving is...

What? We have want and need in here, and you're starting with a different one? Want versus need is the easiest layup of all time. Well, then this will entirely be the easiest layup of all time. Yeah, I think it's all easy. Go ahead. Well, I mean, craving is only for one thing. Wait, what?

You crave something. specific. Oh, I'm craving chocolate, but you crave a want. Can you crave a need? No. I mean, you could crave a need. I'm craving water. No, you can't crave water. You can't crave water? You can't crave water? No, craving is a luxury. Ooh. A craving is something you have the privilege to crave.

A man without food or water does not crave. No, that's probably true. They need them. Yeah. So you cannot crave needs. You can't. I don't think so. No. Because if you need it, you're not craving. I've got a craving for, like, air. I've got a craving for air. A real hankering for some oxygen right now. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. That's, I mean, that is a. Craving is more intense than wanting. Craving is much more intense. Yeah, that's the more like, like, I want a cookie. I'm craving a cookie. One of them. It's just stronger.

It's just stronger. Okay. And need is clearly. I mean, we all know what it is. I think this one's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. This one's for Mike, though.

For a man of many questions, please help us. What is the difference between a robot, an android, and a cyborg? Okay. Which I feel like Mike knows the answer already. So, I mean, a robot is fully mechanical. Okay. Cyborg is, I believe a cyborg is part. Is that for cybernetic organism?

I believe so. A cyborg is like, you're still part human, but you're also part machine. And an android, I believe, is. a, it's like a robot designed to be a human. Yes. Is that correct? Yes. But it's fully robot.

It's fully robot, but designed to look like and be like a human or like a phone. Or to pass as a human. Just to be clear then, all androids are robots, but not all robots are Android. Correct. That's true. That is right. That is true. And so cyborgs have some organic material.

Yeah, and it doesn't have to be human. I was going to correct Mike on that. Oh, okay. That's fine. You could be a cyborg. Dog. Yes. Dragon.

Oh, a cyborg. A cyborg Chinese dragon. You could. You know what a dragon is, Andy. Man, we are crushing this. So Android then is just a humanoid-flavored robot. Yeah. Because it was like, think about your Roomba.

That's a robot. So data from Star Trek was an Android. Correct. He was an Android. But the board. The Borg were mistaken. Oh, gosh. They were called the Borg.

Hold on. Did we just. You're standing out. Whoops. The Borg were silent. The Borg were Borg? D. Wow, I'm dumb.

What happens when something becomes so ubiquitous that it changes the meaning? Like, Android, when I hear Android. Is a phone? I'm thinking of a phone. Yeah. There's no human aspect to that. Are they allowed to hijack that? No.

Are they allowed to, so then we need to call them something different. They're subservient to the original meaning. Okay. Now, will at one point an Android operating system run on a real Android? It's the real question. I would say likely. It seems like that's going to be the case, right? Probably, yeah.

Now, did you say Android has to be a humanoid? Yes. Yeah. So unlike cyborg, which could be other animals. Right. An android can't, you can't have an Android dog. Correct. No.

That would be a robot dog. Yeah, robo dog. Okay. What is the difference between sanitizing, disinfecting, and deconducting. and decontaminating. This is going to be some work, guys. Yeah, this one, okay, now we got the hard balls. Oh, man, long words, lots of letters.

Sanitizing, disinfecting, and decontaminating. Decontaminating has poop or throw up in it. Oh, really? It's got contaminants. Yeah, yeah, but it's gross. But you also have the disinfect. It's not just, it's not just germs. It's not just virus or bacteria.

See, to me. Decontaminating is disgusting. It's disgusting. If you're decontaminating it, something gross is in there. Like, you can disinfect something you can't even see. A counter can look clean and you can disinfect it. You can't decontaminate a counter. If something is contaminated, it has become bad has been mixed into it. Bad has been mixed into it. Not just bad, gross. Gross. Gross has been mixed into it. No, wait. So you could contaminate, like if I had a-

You can't just be surface level then, right? No. If I had a box- No, it can't. Oh, wait, it can't. I don't think so. I had a box of cereal and you peed in it. Would it be contaminated? Oh, yeah. Because that's in the cereal. Good luck decontaminating that.

So if you have to decontaminate, that's a throwout. You have to throw it out. That's a throw out. Decontamination involves throwing things away. Well, not just spraying them or sanitizing them. No, decontamination. If you throw it out, you're not decontaminating. But the room, you take the bad thing out of the room.

The room's decontaminated. If there's a poop in the room and I remove the poop. Sure. Did I decontaminate? 100%. Then I spray, spray, spray. That's disinfecting. Right, because you're going to have leftover particles you can't see.

And what about the sanitizing, though? Yeah, sanitizing and disinfecting. These are, these are. That's tight. These are siblings. Yeah. They're not cousins. You know what I mean?

Disinfecting and sanitize. Disinfect. Take away the infection. Sanitize. That's a positive way. It's a positive spin. Yeah. So, no, disinfecting.

I'm doing something. I think you hit it. Disinfecting, it's related to an infection, right? where sanitize is just germs that they could become an infection. You're right. I don't know. It's right there in the word. No, it's right there in the word.

Oh, my gosh. It's almost like the words are made to tell us what they mean. I mean, disinfecting means it's infected. Sanitizing is pre-infection. Yeah. To make sure you don't have an infection that you need to disinfect. Right. You got to sanitize the cut or it would get infected.

Right. And if you take a dump on the cut, you're going to need a decontamination. Okay. All right. I'm listening to deucers out over there. We know what the difference is between words. Are we helping out a lot? No.

What? What are we getting wrong? Let me guess. You know more about it. All of it. It's all wrong. What are we getting wrong, Josh? So the first thing is when you decontaminate something, a contamination can be inorganic.

It's not an organic thing. So it's not always for germs. Oh, my gosh. Turn his microphone up. It's poop and pee, Josh. It's poop and pee. You can have a lot of contamination. There's a lot of things that can contaminate something.

Yes, there are three things. I said too. There's poop pee and throw up. Okay. There's three different things that can contaminate something. I mean, you remember the movie E.T. Yeah. No.

Yes. I'm sorry to do that. They had to do some decontamination in that movie. Remember that? Remember they'd set up all those big tubes? And you'd have to go into like a decontamination chamber. Yeah, they were sanitizing for sure. But don't you have to go through it?

Like if you were out walking around on a planet that was full of bad stuff, then you got to go back to your hideout. No one's sick yet. That's what they call it. No one's sick yet. Nothing's gross yet. You don't want to bring anything back. You go into a decontamination chamber. Are you sick?

Am I right, John? Are you sick in that chamber? No, I'm not because I got a suit on, but I don't want to bring it in. Exactly. Is it gross? Is it gross in that chamber? Are you gross? I don't you have pee poop or vomit on you no then you're sanitizing it's a sanitation chamber all right we

I think it's any hazmat situation anytime there's a hazardous material we're not looking for real answers yeah what is the difference between a catchphrase I think you're confused with this show is yeah you guys are getting upset over there science we are giving you this is truth truth not science get your facts out of here what is the difference between a catchphrase a motto and a slogan okay Oh, here we go. Amato is for a not-for-profit organization. Really? I don't know.

I figured a slogan is for-profit. I was trying to figure that out. Catchphrase is just a person. A person's got a catchphrase. Yeah, for sure. A motto's like... Amato isn't that something you live by? Like a slogan is like a tagline, but a motto.

Do you live by a motto? I think you live by a motto. I think you do. You can't have paid a company to give you a motto. You come up with it. Right. You know, Atlanta still always paid. it's debts. That's the motto. That's a family motto? Yeah. I'm with that. So a slogan, though,

that's got to be paid for. Do you pay an advertising company to get you a slogan? If you have to pay in one of two ways, you either pay to receive it or once you come up with it on your own, you pay to proliferate it. You are trying to get the slogan out there. Are you trying to get people to turn it into their motto, though? There's a slogan a motto before. Like the best a man can get. That's a slogan, right? That's a slogan. Yeah, that's a slogan, and I don't think you could turn that into a motto. No. I don't think a motto is from the heart.

You live by a motto? Yeah. That's why I was thinking like a not-for-profit organization. No, motto. Yeah. No, I know. What's a motto with you? Like, that's all I can think of, but I didn't want to make the joke.

The word, once you say motto enough. So the Boy Scout motto is to be prepared. Exactly. That's what we're going to live by. Be prepared. Right. But be prepared. Could be a slogan, too.

What if? well for like ums yeah yeah thums yeah tombs be prepared but but you know the words can mean different things right but a motto is like how you want to live

but if you like if I were the tums guy and every time you're like hey mike can I have a tums I say be prepared that's my catchphrase when life that would be your that would be your catchphrase when life gives you get jammed

when life gives lemons make lemonade what is that That's a slogan. That's more of a... That ain't a slogan. That's none of these. I don't think you see, yeah. That's none of these.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, that's a... What an idiom? Yeah. Yeah. It's an idiom. A catchphrase? A catchphrase is like... It probably started as a catchphrase.

Yeah. Somebody started saying it a lot. Yeah, and they're like, oh, we got these lemons. It was like, I got to make lemonade. What is the difference between remembering, recalling, and reminiscing? Reminiscing has to be dwelling on the past. Yeah. Reminising is always positive.

Yes. You don't reminisce on bad times. Oh, do I not? No, you don't. You can remember bad things and happen. I got a car accident when I was 17. Do I reminisce about that? No.

No, you don't remember. I was reminiscing about that car accident. No. Reminiscing is the good old days. The good old days. I can remember the car accident. I can recall it. Absolutely.

So then what's the difference between recalling and remembering? Hmm. Does. I don't know if there is one. So here's my thought that it might. be. I feel like when I remember something, I'm just remember, I'm just, I remember this fact. I remember this.

But if I've got to work hard to remember it, like I've got to recall it, I've got to think and it's going to take me while, and then I recall. Does Mike have a good memory or good recall? He's got a good memory. It doesn't take him any effort. Is he remembering things from the 90s, or

is he just recalling things that No, when he recalls is when he has to stop and think real hard. You think recalling is harder than remembering? I do. Is that what you're saying? Is what I'm saying? I think recalling is more difficult.

Is, or is it just you're being more rude about it? Because you're like, when I want to prove you wrong, I like, if I'm like, hey, I remember it differently. Or I go, I seem to recall that you did like, I'm selling you, I remember what happened. But I'm being, but I rude about it. So you think it's more rude to say I recall this? Yes. Then I remember this. Yes.

So remember maybe there's more. It's not I recall this. I seem to recall. Yes. When you say I seem to recall. Oh, you don't, you can miss remember. You can't miss recall. That's right.

So if you recall something, is it infallible? It's infallible. You cannot recall something wrong. Did that help at all deucers? Let's try this again. Well, if you can't recall something wrong, why would somebody say if I recall correctly? Because you know you're right. Oh, yeah.

You're playing. This is all part of the word game, Jerry. Okay. Then yes, I learned something. You're saying I remember and the fact that you don't remember, makes you an idiot. If I recall, your pants fell down. Oh, which I'm reminiscing about that right now.

You're not. You can't. It was bad for you. Oh, man. So I can reminisce about something that happened to you that brought me entertainment, even if it brought you sad. And I'm going to have to remember that. It's the good old days.

So if you trip and fall, or let's do it less hypothetical. Oh, yeah, Jerry. If you throw a pass to Jeremy, Al Borland. That was five years. ago. And you remember it like it was yesterday, don't you? I can't reminisce about that at all. And we threw him an easy to catch pass. And he fell like a bag of potatoes. And so we often reminisce

about that, but you do not. Yeah. That's right. But you recall it, don't you? No, I remember it. Yeah, he remembers it. Okay. You remember it like it was yesterday. Remembering it is easy. All right. I think we did it. It's time to draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, it has been a long while since we've done a battle role. Royal draft, but the three of us have stepped back into the arena, and we are drafting children's book characters to form a team and we'll battle each other to the death using these characters. And I will be honest with you, this one's pretty tough. It's pretty tough because a kid's book character, not normally violent, not normally.

Some are. I mean, rarely are they not mild-mannered. Yeah. That's the big challenge. And also in a fight, you know, you're going to need some power. It's hard to find real powerful children's book characters. But we're going to give it a go because that's what we do. And Mike, you got the first pick.

You seem so confident. Well, because sometimes you have a character in a book, sometimes they're big. Sometimes they're bad. Sometimes they can puff and they can puff and they can blow your house down. I'm taking the big bad wolf, baby. I don't build no houses out of sticks in this fight. It was on my list. It would have been drafted by me.

It's a great pick. It's a wolf. You want a wolf in the arena. I will bring up that this wolf, if you really think about it, it would blow the house down and then it would let them get away and build another whole house. Yeah, it couldn't blow down. Why did they get to build a whole house? He could have eaten them anytime they're building the house.

Yeah, and he couldn't have. He wasn't around for the building. So he blows it down. And then they run off. And then can't catch a pig. Oh, your wolf can't catch a pig. Oh, man.

If we can drop. He's a little cocky here. If we drafted a pig, we'd be safe. Yeah. No, only if you draft the pig who builds out of brick. Okay. That's true. Well, no, the all three, the pigs that built, the pig that built out of straw was totally safe.

I don't think he's. Because of the guy who built out of brick. So long as we don't wear a red coat, we are fine. Let me ask you one question real quick. How many pigs did he eat in? the story. Yeah. There's three of them. A lot of chances. How many? And now, in that particular event, none.

Okay. But that's because of the events prior, it's not a problem. He toys with the bigs and he eats them. All right. All right. He's big. He's big. He's big. He's big bad. Big bad. Big bad. Big bad. Big bad. Big bad. Big bad wolf is off the table. Jason, you have picks

to make. I have picks to make and I'm going to take some magic in my first pick. Okay. I'm going to cause some chaos I'm going to have fun doing it Oh I'm taking the cat in the hat

Oh Yeah I feel like of all the children's books characters That would be you Thank you I feel like you might be the cat in the hat I love chaos

Who is also the Jim Carrey Of children's books I love magic And Mike Myers Of children's books Yeah Nice Oh he was

Oh okay Yeah So Should have been Jim Carrey Would have been a better movie Um Okay, cat in the hat. All right, I like it.

I will go with. Is the cat magic or is the hat magic? Either way, he's got it. No, no. I think it's the cat. I do think it's the cat. How much time, though, in the fight with us in the arena will you spend just like using your powers to tidy up? That's the end.

He's making a huge mess the whole time. So the arena will look like perfect at the end. Yes. Assuming he wins. Beforehand, it's going to be a disaster. Oh, so the arena like personnel want the cat and they have to win. Yes. They're rooting for the cleanup.

They're rooting for me for sure. All right, I got two picks. I'm taking, I'm not taking the big and the bad. I'm taking the big and the red. Yeah. I'm taking Clifford, the big red dog. It's huge. It's so big.

It's bigger than a house. It's like a dragon on land. Yeah. So he's a puppy, right? He is a puppy, which is probably worse. I've had labs. And when labs grow up, they're lazy, they're calm. They want to lay down.

When you got a lab puppy. There's a chance. There's a chance he tries to play with. The whole time he's playing. But he's so big that if you play with him. The cat in the hat is going to be riding here, Clifford. I will be taking him on as my pet. I'm going to rob him behind the ears, put a little magic out there,

and I'm going to have him trample everyone else. How much can the cat in the hat do? Did you draft Harry Potter? What did you draft? I don't know. No one knows, right? No. He's a cat inside a hat.

And is the cat the one with the magic, or is that, thing one and thing two. No, they come out of the hat. Yeah, they're just separate. Do they come? They don't come out of the hat. Which I thought about drafting. I thought about drafting those.

I will go with, I'm going to go with the wild things. Oh, that was my next pick. That was my next pick. You get one. You get a wild thing. I was wondering if I got one or not. Do I get a pack of wild things?

No, you get a wild thing. You both think I get a wild thing? Yeah, you get a character. Fine. I will take a wild thing. Yeah. It's a monster. For sure.

For sure. And they're pretty creepy looking. Oh, they're amazing looking. That is... Very sharp teeth. That book is my favorite children's book. I read that to my first son. So much, no joke, had the entire book memorized.

I could just show them the pictures and turn the page. It was like every day for years. It's pajama time for us. Oh, really? Did you ever do pajamas time? No. Oh. Oh, that book?

Yeah, you're lucky. Yeah, I think ours was like pout pout fish. But that's not a great draft. Not a great draft pick. Jason, you have the cat in the hat. You are back on the clock. I have Clifford and a wild thing. Mike with the huffin and the puffin.

Yeah. Well, the cat and the hat wants a friend. Oh, no. Cat and the hat wants a friend that's very nearby universe. A little bit more magic, a little bit more mischief. And a lot of mustache. Give me the Lorax. Oh.

Okay. That's not where I thought we were going. I wish I knew more. About the Lorax? I think he's got like some forest. What does he do? What does he do? He tries to protect the person.

I've seen the movie. I know he's... You like the mustache. I love them. I love the mustache. DeVito rocks in that. I do not. I do not know anything about the Lorax.

He lives in the forest. Ducers way in if you know more about the Lorax. He lives in the forest. He's supposed to be the voice and the protector of the trees. And then the the mean company. and he's come in and they cut all the trees down. He speaks for the trees. Yeah, there you go. He speaks for the trees.

But in a battle setting, meaning manipulating or summoning natural forces, vines, trees, roots to entangle, trap, or attack opponents. That's according to... I have done a Google search that I don't want to get into. But apparently, the LORX... He focused on the mustache.

Has been banned in some locations because of its negative portrayal of the logging industry. I told you the whole thing is the big, bad machines come in and cut down all the trees. Okay. You've got the Lorax. You're more like, you're like a, like you would hold up like a anti-logging sign during the phone. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I will protest. He'll claim in that tree. He'll stay there the whole time. Okay. Okay. All right. Mike, you got two picks. I thought this is where you were going, Jay,

of mischief. I don't know that I'd call him a magical guy. I don't think that he's got magic, but his, he can be very strong when his heart gets real big. I'm going to take the Grinch. Yep. That's where I thought he was going to. Ooh. I thought you were going cat and the hat Grinch and it was like, we need to log out because that combo it's over.

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. He doesn't really have magic. No. I don't, yeah, he just says brute for it. But he does have Jim Carrey. If I could have had Jim Carrey and Michael. If you could combine, if you could put Mike into two characters, the big bad wolf and

the Grinch. Yeah. That's very Mike. Because Mike, Mike is like, he's going to huff and puff and puff and blow your house down, but he probably won't eat you. No, I'll just chase you to do it now. He just wants you to think he would. He's grouchy.

He wants to not talk to. He wants to be alone. But then his heart's going to grow three sizes and he's not going to be able to do battle. It will never happen. Most children's books were written about Mike. He was the protagonist. All right. You got another pick.

I got one more pick. Okay. That's a duo, though. The big bad wolf in the Grinch. And I'm going to get a little telekinesis going on here. Okay. Oh. I will be taking Batilda.

Oh, I'm so happy you did that. Oh, no. Explain that. Remind me. I can't recall Matilda. Oh, you can't recall Matilda. No. Matilda is, it's the story.

There's a movie, though, right? Yeah, but it. And there's an awesome musical. The, she was so smart and that, and no one was giving her enough knowledge that eventually, like, it's her, she, just because she's so smart, she eventually figures out telekinesis. Okay. And knocks over a glass of water with a mute. So she can imagine. with things with their mind.

Yep, yep. She has to. But not, is this like the force from, from Star Wars? It's not as strong as that. Not as strong. Not as strong. She has to think really hard to do it though. So she's got to concentrate.

Yeah. And is it little things only? Probably. I don't know. I think you're going to say yes. We never got to there. She can't lift a house. No, no, no, not a house.

Yeah. But maybe a little pal bowl she could pick up and talk. Oh, for sure. Yeah. She can, objects, books, things like that. She can slay a giant. I'm just happy because I've got. Could she throw the hat while the cat still?

Oh, I could knock the hat right off. What happens if the hat gets flipped on its head and then it's like, can the cat get out through the bottom? If the hat is facing downward? Yeah, it just stand up. Oh, it does. Oh, okay. I did look into it and it seems that the cat is the magic, not the hat. So you're safe if he knocks your hat off.

All right, good. I'll just like zip it right back to me with magic. All right, well, here's why I was happy you took Matilda. Okay. Because we had a whole long talk before. beforehand. Like what is a children's book? This is where we're pushing the line. This is where we're pushing the line because it's like, you know, we're not taking Harry Potter here. We're not taking the Narnia series, not teenagers, not young adults that kids sometimes read. We want

children's books, you know, 10 and under. We want, you know, Dr. Seuss and and these, famous, and Roll Doll. Thank you, sir. So give me the big friendly giant. He's on my list, but that F is doing a lot of heavy work. Yes, but you know who's going to love the big, big friendly giant. Clifford. It's just a dude and his dog. He's like, oh, you're my size. That is the challenge with. The BFG was number two of my list over here. It's the challenge with some of these picks because one of the picks, and I'll just reveal it, you can take them. You can, if you think you can coax this character into fighting, you can't. But Ferdinand the bull. Okay. That story, it's a bull. You'd think you'd want a bull. But the whole point of the story is

Ferdinand doesn't fight. Yeah. So it's like he's just going to lay down. Isn't that John Sina? I can't take it. Yeah. That was a book? It was... Ferdinand? Yeah. That was a book.

Yeah. And a bad movie. And a bad movie. It was not a good movie. I'm guessing in the movie he doesn't fight. Because that's the book. Yeah. But I have...

It's actually way different than the book. They should have got Jim Carrey. That's the answer to so many things. All right. I'm going to go a little... I'm going to go a little battle. I feel like I'm battling the Big Bad Wolf with this pick because of... Are you going to draft bricks?

Um... Bricks is not a character in the children's book, Mike. But I know that this story, like it keeps going. And I imagine if somebody didn't stop it, it would have kept going even further. So I probably got a shot here. I'm taking the old lady who swallowed a fly. Oh, okay. Because she swallowed a fly.

Why? Well, but perhaps. We don't know why she swallowed a fly. Thank you, Mike. Perhaps he'll die. But she didn't. A spider, a bird, a cat. She swallowed a dog.

a cow, a horse. If someone didn't stop the story, she swallows a wolf. I don't know if you knew that. Really? She swallows a wolf and a grinch, and she swallows a laurax for sure. This story feels like eventually

it's the snake that eats its own tail. It might, but you'll be... By the end, there'll be dead. Yeah. So I'm taking the old lady who swallowed a fly. Wow. Not on my radar, but I like it.

And you know what? From Winnie the Pooh, I'm taking Tigger. Ah, yeah. I'm taking Tigger. All right. I feel like he's going to be a good... Both-p-p-f-poth. That's a good tigger.

He does a good job. First of all, he's a tiger. Yeah. Second of all, he can jump. He can battle the cat in the hat in the chaotic department. Yeah. Because he doesn't...

He's well-meaning, but he's... He causes problems. Yeah. So, you know, I'm counting on Tigger and Clifford to accidentally kill you. That's the...

They're both accidental trampling. And the old lady is the same thing. She's just starving. Yeah. She's just. She's just famish. Famish. She's craving is what she's doing. Yeah. It's not a want. It's not a need. She's craving a fly. Oh, man. So I do have to start her off with like a few of the animals beforehand. The fly, the spider, the bird, whatever, and get her primed for you. But that's my pick.

All right. Does that mean I'm up? It does. Is this my last pick? It is. Oh, man. What is my team? You got the cat and the hat, the lorax, and the bee. BFG. All right. So I got some size. I got some magic.

Big friendly giant was a, that was a good pick. Got some size. I got some magic. And I think I want some machinery. You do, huh? I got magic size machinery. I'm taken.

You didn't mention the Lorax at all in your story of what you got. Well, it's magic. He's magic too. Okay. Magic size and machinery in the little engine that could. Oh, you're taking a train? That's right. I'm taking a train.

I'm going to run you all over. Oh, but I mean. He doesn't need tracks. He doesn't. He doesn't. Story a lot. What? He goes anywhere he wants.

Oh, man, that's going to suck if he needs tracks, though. A little. She's just sitting out there, but he could. You might think, you might watch him there. If I get in there. You might watch him and think, oh, he can't do this. What? And that's the point.

He wants you to think he can't do it. But it turns out, he can. I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

What? But he might need tracks. He might need tracks. It's leading you to believe that he doesn't need tracks. I don't remember the pictures. Okay. He's a train, man. This is like putting...

What's in the story is that he can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. Oh, he can't do it. I think I can. You know what? Without tracks, I think you can't.

You think you can't. Look, positive thinking is great. Can only get you so far. Yeah, man. If you don't got no tracks. They're just going to be spinning your wheels. This printed little engines is standing in the corner of the arena. You got to believe.

He's your moral support. Yeah. I think you can. I think you can. You got this Lorax. Yeah. The logging industry is doomed. I've got an engine.

I've got a train. I'm going to run you over. All right, Mike. You've got Mattel to the Big Bad Wolf and the Grinch. And you got one more pick. Oh, man. Oh. I'm going to go

I'm like this is this could work terribly but I think we're going so small that you're like your giant dog it won't be an issue. Okay. Because I'm going to get you with a tiny little bug. All right.

Taking Charlotte. Oh, the spider. Yeah. It was a black widow, right? Yeah. I'm on it. It absolutely was. Or a brown recluse. Yeah, it was one of them dirty spiders.

Either way. Jason, Jason can't be a part of this fight anymore. Well, there will be a nice, calm spot to spin a web on the train in the corner. Tell you that. And then if you get Charlotte, it doesn't matter. It's definitely not a black widow because it's an orb weaver spider. They spend classic beautiful circular webs. That is not what a... Is the web the plan? No, they spin up a little trap into it. Go team. The plane is actually all...

That's good. Yeah, I forgot about the writing. Yeah. I forgot of the book. No, it was actually... What does he say? That's a heck of a pig? What is... I don't know.

I don't know. But anyway, my plan is the babies. I was going to, like, unleash the... Oh. I mean, I will not be there. That's what I'm saying. But my warriors will be. Yeah, but your leader is gone.

Yeah. Well, my leader... She's the cat and the hat. Some pig. It's some pig. Some pig. Or terrific, radiant, humble. These are things you could spin in your web, Mike. she's very smart for a spider.

Okay. Did you guys have? I had a lot of. Curious George? Yeah, he's on my list. The very hungry caterpillar, but I was, he was on my list. I'd have been doubling up on the old lady with the fly. You're just, yeah, Harold, just eating stuff. Harold and the purple cran cran was on my list, but I had, I had, I had, uh, I had, uh, Horton.

Oh, yeah, because he's an elephant, but it was very similar to the bull where it's like, he's not a tough guy elephant. Right. The tough guy, the one that really, I, I, I, Maybe should have drafted because you want to talk about. Instead of the trackless engine, go on. I think he can be okay. He's not.

I'll give you one set of tracks, just long enough. This is as long as the, as him. Let's go back and forth a little bit. I think I can magic some tracks with my team. But Mama Bear. Oh, I had Papa Kube bear on my list. Yeah, I mean, I'm just saying. Berenstain Bears.

Oh, yeah. Mine was from Goldilocks. Oh. Because Mama Bear going to come in. be angry. Yeah. And, you know, I feel like the Berenstein bears. I had them on my list first because it's just a bear.

Mama didn't take no crap in that book. Yeah. I had Franklin, the turtle. Oh, gosh. Go in your shell. Yeah, I mean, just turtle up. Yeah. The, I mean, I had max, but then you took the wild thing.

A bear, a bear would have been a good pick, but I think you did the right thing with a train. Did you guys ever read the mouse and the motorcycle? Nope. Yeah. With Ralph S. Mouse. Hmm. Nope.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about His whole thing was I can recall that He's a mouse And he had a toy motorcycle But when he made motorcycle Sounds it drove So the plan was just to have this mouse

Just driving around On a tiny little motorcycle You'll never catch it I had Miss Frizzle And maybe Oh Miss Frizzle would have been An elite pick Yeah

And I didn't know if I would be a You get the school bus though So I was going to try You just have Miss Frizzle If I went that way I was going to just draft The Magic School Bus see if I could

claim that as a character You would have gotten away with it. You'd have gotten away with it. I'd have gone inside. And then my second favorite children's book, I just got to give her a shout out because she's incredible. Accidentally brilliant. Amelia Bedelia.

Oh, we know Amelia. Oh, yeah. She's going to make some mistakes but turn out all right. Okay. That was not bad. That's a pretty good draft. I'm going to crush you guys. What did we learn today?

I learned that Papa Josh is the best liar. He's so good at lying his friends won't let him play lying. He hates you so much right now. He hates you so much right now. He hates people the best. I learned that you guys have a very Eurocentric thought process when it comes to dragons. And I learned that my Schwarzenegger impression is just as good as it always was. Goodbye, everybody. We'll do this again sometime.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.