Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Elevator Gaslighting & The Worst Movies - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Spit Hit for April 24th, 2025:On today’s show, we do some bad impressions and discuss things like sonic boom farts, becoming an instant piano man, and magic sphincters. Then we finish the show off with a draft of the worst movies. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Be that bad boo boo bad abyss it sucks! Two in a row. We've got him two times in a row. Didn't know it was coming. I'm starting to think that might not be the best thing for the show. It might not be.

Yeah, seriously, give me a heads up. Let me come in and wow our audience and not have them, I mean nobody's listening now. They're all gone. It's Ending I like it may not look great for the audience, but it is Spectacular for me and Andy right and let's be honest. We're here for ourselves. Yeah Welcome into the spin. I don't see the people listening to the show now. We're just sitting in this room together I don't see the people listening to the show now. We're just sitting in this room together Without Borland just Giamatti Would you rather liar liar and we are drafting the worst movies on today's episode of the spitballers podcast? Can't believe I got

I mean today it didn't even I never thought about it Forgot we're even recording this episode and I'm sitting here to record it Oh and those questions about your waivers if you think oh Those questions I was asking you I'm more real that I wasn't interested But I had to come up with some Some real talking points what an idiot we DMed Al and we were like I don't think he knows I don't think he knows he's scouting I'm out of here. All right well you know what let's answer some important questions instead Jason.

Would you rather? Joy from patreon also the feeling that I get when Jason is surprised with the scat. Would you rather be able to do a perfect impression of any voice you hear, or be able to play any song you hear on any instrument of your choice? I don't walk around with a bunch of instruments. So there is a frequency of ability here. Yeah, I agree. Where it's like, right now, you could have a celebrity guest

on this show right this second. Would that kind of voice stuff wear off? No. Not if you could do a perfect impression. No. No, his name is escaping me. The guy who does Madden. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I know who it is. Yeah, now I've infected you. We can't think of his name. escaping me. The guy who does Madden. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know who it is. Now I've infected you. We can't think of his name. Frank Caliendo. That's it. Frank Caliendo is so incredibly good at impressions. And there's just some voices, like John Madden, where I never get tired of hearing him do a bit.

And you can just say normal things in that person's voice and what what a party trick what are it's more than a party trick I mean there's one guy you know name the other impressionist you love well let's see Darrell Hammond was a very good impression yes he was Darrell you don't know who that is I do too yes I don't remember doing impressions of anybody, but Bill Clinton. He had a few.

I just, guys who can really do. Would you stay in character? No, no. You want to rotate? You're not like saying, oh, I just want James Earl Jones' voice for everyday life. No, no. I mean, in podcasting, it is the ultimate.

Maybe it's a party trick, but if you could just jump into certain celebrity voices and nail them. I guess that would be pretty fun. It would be so fun. So this begs the question. Who can you do the best impression of? I can't do any. I know Andy's is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

No, it's not. I remember it. And I think the people want to hear Andy's Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, no, it's not Arnold Schwarzenegger. I remember it. And I think the people want to hear Andy's Arnold Schwarzenegger. What do I say as Arnie? Let's have you say. Get down. No, that's too easy. Get to the chopper.

Let's have you say, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you're listening to the Spitballers Comedy Podcast. This is the Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you're listening to the Speedbunners podcast That's the best I can give You're welcome everyone Suddenly I feel like I was surprised with the scat And Mike's is Christopher Walken How does Walken even say that?

There's two mice There's two mice That's pretty good I cannot do impressions And you do a good Hillary right? No That's pretty good. I cannot do impressions. And it would be- And you do a good Hillary, right? No. How do you do that?

The instrument one is the one I want though. I mean, the other one's really fun, but I would get redeemed by the ability to play an instrument, like to sit down at a piano and play any song that I want. That would just be, like, it's like a skill that brings you, it's like a hobby, a piece. What's funny is when the question was asked, and I'm thinking of both of these as kind of a part of their trick,

like I can do this, I can show this off, never actually dawned on me the value of just being able to super play instruments like that'd be really nice that'd be like a hobby yeah you don't have a hobby of doing voices you do the mirror would you do it in front of the mirror because i could already do it this isn't like like frank caliendo i'm sure he sits in front of the mirror for hours and hours and hours and has to figure out how to do this voice And but like in this question, this is I can do it already. I can play the music well or I could do the impression

Well, I doubt Frank just sits at home Talking like Morgan Once he's learned it landed he's just like spinning hours there, just having a- Huah! That's a good one. I'm going Al Pacino. We are good at impressions. He can do Al Pacino in all sorts of different, well, it's just huah, actually.

Yeah, it's just onomatopoeia. Yeah. It's only- It is funny how- I'm on the soul of the megal. How? Impressions are, you just need the catchphrase. You do.

You could do it fine when you said get to the chopper. But that's the difference, though. Between a good impression. Yeah, a good impression is someone who just starts speaking like them. All right, all right, all right. Every guy can do the McConaughey all right. But to really talk like him, it's pretty funny.

And you have that slight little whistle. A little whistle. Hey, Sonny. No, I know. I'm just trying to do the whistle. That was Adam Peele. Hey, Sonny. It's me, Matthew McConaughey.

Instrument, final answer. Yeah, I'm going to take instrument, final answer, because I actually forgot the value of music. Now, let me ask you this, Mike, because you can already play instruments, so is it less attractive to you? No, because I, like- Any song on any instrument.

Yeah, I mean, I have my instruments. I'm not, like, I can plunk around on a piano and make it play some stuff, but I'm not accomplished at all. So if I could instantly become a maestro pianist, that would be incredible. Can I ask a genuine follow-up question to this, especially to Mike and maybe Al?

I could check out of this one. You absolutely cannot answer this, because I don't think there's any way for you to know this. Okay. Because they're musicians. Are you a musician? Heck your most musical scat you know that's nice um is it too late like if I learn how to play if I wanted to become like learn to play piano at a high level is it it genuinely? Is it way too late? Like I'm almost 40.

I would say no. Just like learning anything though as an adult, that when you're met with the frustration of the initial, holy crap, this seems just impossible to do, which is like, that's where it's different for kids and adults, is trying to learn a new language. It's definitely not too late for you. It's gonna be way harder and far more frustrating, and you don't have the, you're not naive like a kid, of like, oh, I can do this. But no, it's not too late for you to,

if you sat down and practiced and took some lessons. I'd have to work at it, huh? Yeah, that doesn't seem to be that's that's my point of Like that well, how am I gonna find two hours to practice man that frustration is of learning a new skill So you think it's not too late for any learn follow-up question. Can I make the NBA? It's too late for me to learn Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh that's the gap our ages that's pretty big gap I guess Can I make the NBA? Do you think it's too late for me to learn? Yeah. Oh, that's the gap? Our ages? That's a pretty big gap, I guess.

All right, Noah from the website. We'd rather. What am I reading? What? Noah. Noah. Noah. Should I be reading this question?

So I don't have the doc pulled up. I guess it's fine, but I'm just making sure I'm reading the right words. I don't have the doc pulled up, but I'm just making sure I'm reading the right words I don't have the doc pulled up, but I am so would you rather curious now? urinate out of the tip of your finger or poop out the bottom of your foot Noah No, uh, yeah, you should be reading that So would you rather go to the go number one out of the tip of your finger or number two

out of the bottom of your foot? I mean this is a clear and easy and obvious answer. It's a fun question. Yeah. It's number two, right? What? No, man. No, of course it's not number two.

Wait, you're saying the one you'd rather do is pee out the tip of your finger? I'm saying if I point my hand at you and I just go Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss You wanted to know I cannot know I'll be arrested. Yeah, you can't get arrested for being a finger Oh look at my finger. Yeah, just this is just finger You know I mean if you if it's at the bottom of your foot if number two is the bottom of your feet You can poop on people what like You know how many times I'm leaving one in an Uber? Wait, you're taking your shoes off and your socks off? Or are you just dumping it in your sock?

Well, I'm wearing a lot of flip-flops if I have that ability. It feels like it would be really difficult. And then when you would need the toilet I Mean you can go. I mean you wouldn't need a toilet anymore. You still want to put the poop in a toilet. That's a promise This isn't just like well now that I could go out of my foot. I just want to leave it everywhere You're still Merrily would be different you your time you wouldn't need that. But think about it this way.

You could just have a hole in the ground toilet. Sure. Have a construction team come and develop you a foot toilet. Brooks says you don't turn into a freaking animal. So in one, primarily, I realize you're really looking forward to pooping in Ubers. But primarily, you are going to have to go into a stall, put your foot up on the stall, balance

while you poop out of your heel. Because everybody else is pooping normal. Yes. And. You have to accommodate to their world. Right. So wait, are you just going into the urinal and just going, ptsst.

Yeah, you're darn right I am. I'll probably do the sink, to be honest, because it's closer. You just wash your hands. Yeah. He's washed his hands for a long time. All right, sorry. What was the second thing? Well, the point, like when you go to the bathroom, you're gonna have to go in. He's got a lot of yellow on his hands.

Take your shoes off, take your socks off, put your shoes and socks back on every time. Oh yeah, that's nasty. After wiping. Oh, you gotta put a sock back on. You gotta put a sock back on that thing. That's, I mean, like on the pee, the tip out of your finger. You've got a pee finger but it's sterile yeah and it's like oh there's there's a couple drops it's fine I get pee on my fingers now sometimes okay like let's be honest it just happens sometimes so it's okay and I'm fine just washing that up

But I'm not like what if you have to wash your foot get that up in the sink I mean do you have a butt crack on your I mean no it's just it's just a normal heel just Yeah, does it open and close? Yeah, I'd a magic sphincter appears. Yeah, I mean the joke so easy dirty Oh my gosh owl in the background. just laughing now has been laughing the whole Entire question I'm a child Yeah, that's it so wait you guys are going the finger one. Oh, yeah, it's it's honestly. It's that's your convenience It's easier than current operating procedures. I think you're right. It's an upgrade I think you've taught me that there's not a lot of practical use for the roundhouse kick.

You're on a road trip. Just roll the window down, hold my arm out the window. I would do it. I would do it. Why wouldn't you do it? You would do it. And Mike was gracious enough to put his hand facing down out the window. I'm putting mine up, baby.

I'm putting mine to the sky going, wee. So disturbing. Thanks, Noah. You go to the top of a building? Well, you can do that now. No, you can't. You get arrested. There's a lot of use. I got to write an article about what I do.

Top 50 ways to be out of your finger. Do we have a question from Mike's dad? We do it just came in. So this was sent in to you? I was sent in, he submitted it through the official channel on the website. So Mike's dad would like to know, would you rather walk behind your dad who rips a sonic boom on Main Street of Disneyland or release a silent but deadly in a crowded elevator. So this must be, this is a loaded question.

Yeah, I thought I had shared this story, but if I haven't, here it is. So as a youth, so like I'm probably a tween at this point, So, as a youth, so like, probably a tween at this point. And we're at a family vacation to Disneyland. Sounds like a good time. And we're, it's just me and Pops, we have. What is this? Yeah, oh baby.

So a funny thing happened. Oh, is that the story time drop? Yeah, I just found it. Wow, startling. So a funny thing happened. Smooth transition. And we had separated from the family, so it's just the two of us.

We're walking back. And then he's in front of you. Yes. He is. No, no, we're pretty close to each other. Yeah, right around there. And I'm guessing he was going for a volume that only I could hear.

Just crack up your son, just ripping out a little Tutski. And it's not a little one. It is, as he described, a sonic boom. And it's Disneyland. It is very crowded. An entire crowd turns and looks directly at me. No! Oh yes.

And I'm like, what? And then, because I'm kind of taking it back, and I look forward, and my dad has taken off. No! Well, I mean, a sonic boom's going to move you forward. He dropped the bomb, and then. Oh, yes. He just leaves me with this crowd of people,

which I can still see their faces. In your head? Yes. I know exactly where I was. I could show you on a map and they're all looking at me and I'm like... Please tell me you said something. No, I just walked off and I catch up to my dad who's cackling like a minke. Oh my gosh. So I don't know if you realize this, Mike. This was not trying to go for a little toot to make his kid laugh. This was

premeditated. He's like, dude, check this out. Rip run. Rip and run. And then leave my son with this. Is that the move, the rip and run? I will be going to Disneyland soon with my teens and I will use this on them. So that's, would you rather do that or the SBD in a crowded elevator? Uh Well one how many awesome let me ask SBD rules real quick. Okay silent but deadly Yeah, like how obviously, you know, it's you and one other person. There's a problem is you and two other people There's only it's one of the three of you right that could get there's some mystery. That's the mystery What level genuinely like they pretend the elevator can get as big as you want. How many, where's the line where you're like

completely confident letting it happen? There's a sliding scale to me of where it gets past a certain number of people and it's worse. Because now I know I'm infecting so many people. And it's just, at this point, it's just rude. Like I'm making 12 people So it's rude if there's more people right right right right? It feels like three or four people. It's like okay I'm sorry, but it's just three or four you you know I'm not I'm not doing a baker's dozen here

But for me there's gotta be in this launchers gotta be at least four people for plausible deniability. Four people? Yeah. You feel like if it's only three people you can't keep it together enough? I think if it's only three people they're gonna- You can't gaslight someone? They're gonna gaslight. Oh, that's where I came from.

I think based on my body size, I think if it's three people. Wait, they're guessing you? They're gonna guess me right or wrong. Wait, you think that if people are bigger that means they fart more? Oh, you, you, look upon yourself. If you've been in an elevator or a crowded room or whatever. Bigger butts, more farts. You smell, no, you smell a fart and you look around at the crowd because you know you're

smelling someone else's fart. You know you didn't fart and you look around at the crowd cuz you know, you're smelling someone else fart You know you didn't fart. Yeah, it's not you. You're mentally every time you're picking. I think it was that dude It's always a dude you pick you don't look around you definitely do Yeah, I'm just saying you're a fat dude. There are different markers. There are different markers that say like it's Probably that per you're always gonna say I think I'm breathing that person's fart. And you're saying we make an internal? An internal unconscious. Like unconscious bias towards what

we perceive to be a fart. Yeah. And I'm just saying, I look like a man that would fart. Now wait, what if there was a really, really? To be fair, I'm a man that farts a lot. It's sometimes there's a reason behind these things. So a really- Oh sure.

A really, really- Blame this guy. A well-dressed- We all wanna know who did it. So who's the, like when you see people, do you consider it a size thing or do you consider it a cleanliness thing? Like would you consider the dirtiest person

in the elevator the most likely to have farted? Well, it depends on what? What the level of dirt looks like on them you know what I mean like that if they look like you were in an elevator Mm-hmm, but you were in a nice suit. Oh There was a really different person that's wearing like a suit is out It might as well be an invisibility cloak their look they are not seeing me as the farter that man's got it together No, you're only wearing the suit top Okay, now that man now you're definitely the harder the idea of you in a suit people start sniffing you go Don't look at me

I've got better things to do than flatulence. Goodness gracious. Man, so you think every person inherently makes a preconceived opinion about a farter? Yeah, definitely. And it's, you know, sometimes it's like, oftentimes when I'm in a small group and I smell one, I'm looking for the kids. You know what I mean like I'll judge I'll judge them kids. Do you know if one hit so hard that it couldn't have come from a small time 100% It's real real bad. You know there's no way there's enough in there which

man Looks like he's eaten the worst today And that's oh, that's where I'm, because it's like if you're eating bad, you're more likely to be, who just had a chili cheese footlong? Which one of you in the cellar? Oh, OK, I know who. The one with the stuff on his face.

The one with the chili cheese on his shirt. That person either just farted or is about to fart. That's the only two. Let me outta here. Man. Have you ever thought about being caught in an elevator? Like being stuck? Oh yeah.

Like you say you have a high FPD, farts per day. And compared to the average person, people get stuck in elevators. I mean it happens and they survive but they end get stuck in elevators. I mean, it happens, and they survive, but they end up stuck in there for hours. Sometimes you've thought people pee in the corner of the elevator, you ever heard that? I haven't, but I guess it makes sense.

If you can't hold it any longer, eventually you have to go. You have to go, but like... Imagine how nice it would be to go out the tip of your finger in that situation. You don't have to drop trowel. How did I never notice this leak? We've been in here for 30 minutes and what you do is you just put your finger all the way in the corner like you're like you're touching

this water that's coming out from the corner but you can't push too hard or it starts spraying. It's solid, but it's fucking weak. Oh my goodness. Noah! You've got to write this article, Jay. I know. There's a lot to unpack. Sonic boom from your dad. Delightful.

Yeah. Lie or liar, pants on fire. Well, well, well. I always do that. I always do that always do that forget about the pants on fire our team gets to try to beat out like oh gosh okay so true truths and a lie three rounds here we go go. Oh, I read them. Yeah. Okay. So the way this is going to work, we're going to wait to hear what these. Yeah, I remember how to do this. All right. Round one. Truth or lie. Number one. All right. Researchers have a standard unit of measurement for the speed of a rumor called the gossip on it measures how fast

information can spread through a social network. One gossip on is equal to 145 seconds or prop approximately 2.5 minutes. Get out of here. That is so annoying because that should be a lie. I... So when it was like, researchers have a standard unit of measurement for the speed of a rumor. I love that. I think that that makes sense. I'm sure that some social scientist would need to do that. But would they really call it a gossipon? Like that's... That's where I like...

That's like gossipon is like, roll your eyes back. Nice try, owl. Okay, next. Yeah, yeah, all right, next one. Boeing used potatoes. I'm trying to get a read on them. As human substitutes when testing and developing onboard wifi,

it was dubbed Project Spuds or synthetic personnel using dialect substitution. Now I don't know if that's true, but I do know that potatoes, used to do those electricity tests with potatoes. Do you remember that? Either of you guys ever did that? And then the third one, Australia is wider than the moon.

Spanning an impressive width of over 2,500 miles, Australia majestically outstretches the width of the moon, making it a terrestrial marvel of size and splendor. What does that part have to do with anything? Yeah, what does that lie all about, that last part? A terrestrial marvel of size and splendor. That seems like bad writing. What? A terrestrial marvel? What is so different? That's the lie. Oh man I. Like would you say that about like North America? Like it's a terrestrial marvel of size and splendor? They're just all continents. I can't stand by that ending

So you got the spuds one? I think that's true. You got the gossip on or the Australia one? Either Australia's way bigger than I thought or the moon's way smaller than I thought that's the lie for me I'm locking it in the Australian Australian one All right, I am going to... The Australian one kind of blows my mind. The ending of that, the terrestrial marvel of size and splendor. Absurd. So it seems like that's a lie. So I cannot select that. Nice try, owl.

I'm looking at you. The gossip on is stupid. I think that's a lie, so that's not it. The spudsuds the potato thing That seems like it could be it That seems like it could be true. So that is the lie. I'm going reverse. I called you on myself I'm taking the spuds as the lie Mike. You got a lock one in we're all not gonna split it up I'm going with the gossip on who's still in it Mike yeah still in the game. Yeah, So that wait Australia's wider than the moon it is is it a terrestrial marvel of size and splendor it is Wow

Did you write that line? I need to know that course he did I did oh my god I forgot it could be true and Stupidly written. I didn't think about that. I thought a true one would be copy pasted from someone intelligent. No offense. I over read Owl's face because when you said you believe

these- Marvelous sides of splendor. When you said you believe that the spuds one is true, I was watching too. He had no reaction to that whatsoever. And I thought that was his way of not letting us know. Oh, well. You know that I know. I am overthinking the heck out of this.

Mike is a lie. All right, all right. Round two. This is Spinal Tap is the only film on IMDb that is rated on a scale to 11. If that's a lie, that's a good lie. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Nebraska recently ran a very successful tourism and ad campaign with the slogan Nebraska.

Honestly, it's not for everyone. These states. If that's a lie, that's a good one. These states and their campaigns. Look, they're being honest. Honestly, it's not for everyone. And then then the third one coffee beans are not actually beans They are a berry seed. However early traders misclassified them due to their resemblance to legumes Is that how you say that word? I have never known I thought it was you know, it's legumes look isn't it's a hard G

Yes, I thought it was. Is it? It's a hard G? Yes. I thought it was legumes. It's not. I've never said it out loud for fear of looking stupid. I wish you had to read that one because that would have been a great fit. Legumes. It's legumes. Legumes.

Legumes. Yeah. So neither of you knew how to say it. No. Coffee, beans are not actually beans. Yes they are. Yes they are. Maybe are maybe what is the definition of a bean but it is a coffee plant oh it is a berry seed yeah that's

a berry seed I've seen coffee plants that's a berry seed I'm helping you now Mike okay I've seen them grow you crack them open a cacao plant oh wait that's cacao yeah that's chocolate who, that's chocolate. Whoops. That's chocolate. Maybe they are beans What how do beans grow? That's what I'm saying. Are they always in pods beans are under are they underground? No Not necessarily. There's like no All beans are carrots. You see I Was a bean that's what I'm asking. I don't know. A green bean is so different than a baked bean. Thank you.

Can we get that quote? Isolate that audio. A baked bean is just a way of preparing it. A green bean could technically be baked. You heard a little bit inside of Jason's brain right there. He said that out loud. I think the Nebraska one's a lie, final answer. That's what I think as well, final answer.

I definitely was thinking of cacao, Mike. I do not know about the coffee bean. I, oh man. I'm going to go with the coffee bean one is the lie all right I I'm glad I'm glad you picked that one because it is the lie and you are still alive yes but in I wrote that made that up completely fictitiously but while you guys were discussing it I googled it and they are seeds so it's actually true. Oh I would have to I wrote what I thought was a lie that turns out to be true So I'm glad it it's it's disqualified anyway Wow

So what was the actual lie supposed to be that was it? Oh, yeah, that's how that works I yeah, I had no idea Truth I yeah, I had no idea. I thought I was just making up a fake. So the lie is a truth? Unintentionally, apparently, yes. So coffee beans are seeds? You sounded so convicted so I had to Google it and they are apparently actually seeds. A coffee bean is a fruit. I don't know about a berry seed but there's... From a coffee plant. He has a fruit from a plant.

It says, though dubbed a bean coffee is far from a legume. Okay, so wait, Mike's still alive? He's still alive. Or is this an asterisk one? Whether or not that Okay, so wait, Mike's still alive? He's still alive. Or is this an asterisk one? Whether or not that was true or not, he's still alive. It doesn't matter, because I got what he thought was the lie.

Correct. All right. So the Spinal Tap one is true? And Nebraska doesn't want anybody there. That's very funny. Honestly, it's not for everyone. Yeah, good for Nebraska. Round three.

We got corn. The highest paid, that should be their motto. It's corn. The highest paid, that should be their motto. It's corn. The highest paid American athlete in 1973 was a hockey player who did not play in the NHL. You know, go play in Russia maybe, in the Soviet Union in 1973. Go make some money over there, maybe.

Number two, the Statue of Liberty was used as a lighthouse for 16 years, aiding ships entering New York harbor. The torch was visible from 24 miles away. That one sounds... Sounds correct. Sounds like a lie. I think that's true. I think it's nonsense.

If you were to hold, this is number three, if you were to hold a catfish upside down under water, it would drown. What? The water, the flow of water over their gill filaments would be disrupted, impeding the essential oxygen exchange process. No, that has to be the lie.

It doesn't, it has to be. That sounds so stupid. No, because there's no- What the heck is a gill filament? There's no gravity happening. There's not a flow of water once water is filled right like if you hold a catfish upside down or backwards forwards There's no flow of water guaranteed like that just cannot be no But I mean like that the gills may need to be facing a certain direction, right?

But I see no I see what Jason's saying of like once the has, once the water's in the space, it doesn't matter. Yeah, and this specifically says the flow of water over their gill filaments would be disrupted. Right, which I could imagine, gravity plays a part on the, doesn't it play a part on the direction of the gills? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so.

I don't. But I think the Statue of Liberty one could be true. Yeah, and I think the athlete one. And the American athlete one is. In 1973. I mean, what was, like the NFL was around. Of course, baseball was around for years.

In 1973, you had to have like $200 that year for being the highest paid athlete. Not quite. Or was it someone who could play hockey but they were also baseball players was a hockey player who did not play in the NHL and so I'm obviously out of the running but I'm going the catfish thing that makes no sense but it is a guess I'll go the athlete one but I don't have a strong conviction Mike you have a chance to win

oh it's only a one in three chance, and we're dumb yeah Those are both true I'm gonna go with the catfish one Did we do it final answer yep Gil filaments my booty I'm the smartest man alive Yes you are You're so handsome Mike Wow

Gil filaments Jay your logic There's no such thing as Gil filaments right? I have no idea Yeah that's like part of a light bulb How would it not be a Giliment? We both deserve a little. How would it not be a Gilement? Oh, good point. We both deserve a little bit of credit. Really?

Because, yeah, you were so confident that it was not a bean, even though you were wrong at the moment and thought it was chocolate. And then the flow of water. All right, we did it. So is that two? We are at two wins now? That is two.

All time. Yeah. Two. Congratulations. And how many? Two in like 20, 23? Don't worry about that. When we beat you the first time, didn't all three of us

beat you together? Yeah, I believe so. Because we like, is that what happened? I don't remember. We all got three. No, no, no. All three of us made it to round three. So I think we both.

Oh, that's right. And so you each took a different answer. To make sure we won, we split it up. So this is good for us. Yeah, of course. This was a real answer. To make sure we won, we split it up. Good for us. Yeah, of course. This was a real win. Oh, okay. I like the sound of that.

Nice. Here we go. The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the worst movies on today's episode of the show. And I believe we all followed at least one basic principle in this, which is that we had to have seen the movie. Yeah, we have to hate it.

Did any of us put anything in our lists that we haven't seen? I've seen all of them. Okay, so we are selecting movies that we literally we watched and we had an unpleasant time for one reason or the other or thought that the movie was so bad. And so that is what this list is. I know that there's a lot of those, you know, the top lists out there where they'll put the Hands of Fate or whatever that movie is.

And I've always heard that one is one of them. Hands of Fate? Yeah, I don't even know what that is. Yeah, I saw a bunch of movies on the list that I hadn't seen. But I mean, it makes sense, right? If a movie is really- Yeah, Manos Hands of that is. Yeah, I saw a bunch of movies on the list that I hadn't seen. But I mean, it makes sense, right? If a movie is really cheap. Yeah, Manos Hands of Fate was considered this cult-hated movie, number one worst movie ever.

Yeah, I mean, if a movie is truly 1966 really, really bad, it's probably not going to get watched as often. But these were movies that I think, at least in mind, everyone I went to, I wanted it to be good. And I left thinking that's one of the worst things I've ever seen. Yeah, that makes sense. So I kicked this off since I had the stupid scat today.

This is, to me, in our age range, this is the originator of horrific movies. This was so bad, it was supposed to be big, it was supposed to be a blockbuster, it was so bad that it just became the biggest joke movie of all time. And it's a little older, so I don't know, you know. I think I know what you're saying, but I don't.

It was also the beginning of the end of a very successful career. Is it a pirate movie? It is not a pirate movie? Okay? Unless it's like space pirates. I don't remember the plot very well Because we're talking about battlefield earth with John. Yeah, okay, okay, and oh my gosh But you I never saw it. I was lucky enough to see the reviews and not watch it. It was the worst acted. Yeah, yeah. The worst acted, worst story, worst special.

It was like, what happened? This was in a time where John Travolta was a superstar. This was like the face-off time period? Yeah, I think just after that. And mercy, mercy. It was like so cringe watching Travolta play this role that you couldn't watch it. You wanted a turtle shirt and hide

from how bad this movie was. And it's now known as one of the worst of all time. As well. Yes. It's not just our experience like that. It's now heralded. Yeah, so there are just our experience like that is it's now here. Yeah, yeah. So there are movies on my list where a lot of people love and I think they're just terrible worst movie of all time. This one's objective like it's not an opinion. This is objectively trash. My worst movie and there's a lot

of reasons why a movie can be bad. I was telling Jason before the show like for me a lot of movies are movies that I wished were over and kept going. So they're too long and you keep thinking this is not good and I have to keep watching. Please be the end. But this movie was too long because, I don't know, 10 minutes was too long.

And one of the reasons it's on my list of my least favorite movies is because of the hype I have towards the movies this director had made before. But I am selecting the happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, by M. Night because the wind really isn't much of a enemy and the wind, the wind and the disruption of the bees and this, you know, he made all these movies that I liked, Sixth Sense and the Village and Signs and Unbreakable and I loved them. And here was the happening and it was like he out thought himself.

And the happening was supposed to be the comeback, right? Yeah. I mean, it was. The public had turned on him. It was well because the lady in the water Right which was another movie you could probably put into that contention But the happening was ironic because nothing happened It was called the happening and nothing happened that you cared about it was horrible. There was no good twist. Nothing was good about it Say hi to your mother for me. Say hi to your mother for me. Yeah.

You know what was interesting? Did you guys see it? Yes, I did. I saw that in the theater. Oh, of course. It was M. Night. And was very disappointed with it. And I thought about this just the other day

because, so Netflix had released a new Bird Box movie. I don't know if people saw that. It was pretty quiet. Saw the first Bird Box, not the second. And then I realized, I'm like, dude, Bird Box and The Happening are the exact same plot. Really? Really? Yeah, because Bird Box was good.

They can't see in The Happening? Well, no. You have to cover your eyes in Bird Box, because just the minute you see it you're infected and the happening was As soon as it's around you you you have It's pretty much like well if you see it or if you're experiencing it it takes over and then you inflict Hormone upon yourself, which is the exact same thing that happens in bird box interesting But in bird box it was like well, no, these are like some monsters and we're like, yeah cool

I'm cool with that. But then the happening was no, it was like, well, no, these are like some monsters. And we're like, yeah, cool. I'm cool with that. But then the happening was, no, it's the trees, man. It's the grass. Well, that's so stupid. That really is. That is a good gap, though. Yeah, one is super boring. Give me a monster.

But it's funny to me. But you never see the monster in Bird Box. Funny to me, once you're infected, you do something bad to yourself. And you don't want to see it or be around. It's very, very similar. Right, you got two picks, right? I got two picks. I went a couple different directions with this one.

But this first one is, when you become a parent, you have to endure a lot of kids movies and so when you find good ones it's always just like yes and you tell all you tell your friends like kids movie it's great go watch it and then there's things like the emoji movie which which holy, that thing is so bad. That's just like. Can I tell you something? Please do.

That I'm very embarrassed to say. Oh, do you like the emoji movie? You like the emoji movie. So, the talk had been around about how bad the emoji movie was. Okay. But it's like for kids, they don't care. Oh yeah. I mean, so my daughter was like, I wanna Okay. But it's like for kids they don't care. Oh yeah.

I mean, so my daughter was like I want to rent something and it's like okay we'll do the emoji movie. I doubt we actually paid for it. It was probably part of it's on one of the streamers. Right. And I ended up like tuning in for a decent amount while I'm walking around. I didn't think it was that bad. Oh man.

I thought it was kind of alright. It's the meh face is just oh. Yeah, yeah no I know, I know and I felt really embarrassed to have thought it was kind of alright! It's the meh face is just ugh. Yeah, yeah, no I know, I know. And I felt really embarrassed to have thought it was tolerable. I have a kids movie on my list that I'm sure I will draft at some point. That I'm guessing neither of you saw it if either of you did. There's not one human alive that would ever say, I thought it was okay. Okay, but I'm looking forward to it.

That was one of those kids movies where it's on, and you wish you were tired so you could fall asleep. Oh, yeah. Or you're just like, please, just be over. I cannot watch this anymore. All right. So the Emoji movie is your first pick and your second? Yeah, so the second one, this, two of these,

well at least if I get the other one, but this brings me no pleasure to say that this was one of the worst movies that I've ever seen because I, Stan and Cape, I love Marvel movies. I love them, I love superhero movies. Ant-Man and the Wasp, Quantumania is a steaming turd. And it was one of those, I've sometimes to watch movies,

I'm doing it while I'm falling asleep and I can only do like chunks at a time. And the fact that I had to go back to this movie to finish it was demoralizing. Like when I, Because you wanted to be, Cause I just, I have the whole pantheon of, to finish it was demoralizing. Because you wanted to be, to have the whole pantheon of, yes. Maybe there's some small things in there, but it's so bad.

It's green screen the whole time, which I understand you're in the quantum realm or whatever. The fact that they're fighting the new big bad, then basically the new Thanos but and they like defeat him and the dialogue some of these exchanges between his daughter and Modoc just Who who green man and the law dude and the quantum mania one and it was? Terrible. Oh my gosh. It was so freaking bad. It it's so bad all right my second pick I'm going to the year 2001 okay I'm going to a movie that took three hours and four minutes of my life that I will never get back I'm going to a movie

starring some peripheral characters like Josh Hartnett and Cuba Gooding jr. oh I know it I saw it did Did you? Oh yeah. And was it as bad? It was Ben Affleck, right? Ben Affleck. Yeah, this movie was terrible. Pearl Harbor. Oh yeah.

I have never been in a movie I wanted to end more that kept going. It was. That was super long, right? So long. Over three hours of pain. I mean, look, the idea of going and seeing a fun war movie, historical piece, tons of big actors at the time,

Kate Beckinsale and Alec Baldwin was in it. This was real bad, real, real bad. And so Pearl Harbor has always had a place in my mind as the worst movie I've seen. I saw that in the theater and that was back in the day when you had to show up early because there was no assigned seating. Oh gosh, it was a whole day. It was a summer blockbuster you had to be there way earlier you're gonna have absolutely terrible seats. So I mean that was like a when you put in the length of the movie that's a four to five hour experience. I am happy to report that I either did not see it or do not remember seeing it the idea of like

Making each of us watch one of the movies on the other people's lists as a punishment someday Hmm Pearl Harbor. Um, yes, don't see it. No, it was rough All right. Am I up? Yeah, you are you get to I get to Speaking of two. I get two. Speaking of two, I'm gonna go with a sequel. I'm gonna go with, well, kind of a sequel. There was a movie. Oh, no.

There was one of my all-time favorites. Oh, no. All time. Dang it. And they needed it so bad, they're like, we've gotta make money off of a sequel. Oh, no. But I don't think they could get to Actors. Joe Dirt 2.

No, that was great. Oh, no. I know what movie. And what? I mean, you don't remember it because it's deleted from everyone's memory. This doesn't exist. In fact, they kind of like almost undid it. It was so horrifically bad, terrible,

it ruined for a moment in time one of the greatest movies of all time. Dumb and Dumber. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When Harry met Lloyd. I never saw that. I was dead wrong. I did not know that was what you were picking.

The prequel. It's not even Jim Carrey. Oh, that's not the one where they came back and did Dumb and Dumber 2. No, which was also awful. Yeah, don't see that. That's bad too? Oh yes, because it was too long.

I mean like two decades too long. But I mean, this prequel was shameful. Oh yeah, I mean, two different actors. It was them as younger kids. Wasn't funny. You can't make a sequel to a Jim Carrey movie without Jim Carrey and be like people will be fine. No What are you talking like he is the movie? Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good pick shame on you

You're like what the characters are just so good, right? It was the characters that really did it. Give me a break you producers All right. So now I feel obligated to take the movie I talked about earlier, so I'm going to because objectively, it is the worst movie I've ever seen. The worst one by so large a gap that Battlefield Earth is Oscar worthy. I will imagine that most people have not seen this because you had to have a child in just the rice liver rage and we were bored just the week where it was in the movie theaters starring Kevin Spacey nine lives it's the name of this movie I remember you talking oh my gosh I had to see it in the theater in the theater! In the theater, it was like... This is the cat movie?

It's a cat movie. Oh, baby! Oh, my gosh. Oh, Christopher Walken's in it, Mike. Yeah, oh. Two mice. Two mice. One cat.

Nine lives. But I just, I can't even describe it. What happened to your chair? My foot keeps hitting the go down button, as I call it. Wait, your foot? Your foot or your leg? My foot, my the go down button. What your foot? Yeah like. Your foot or your leg? My foot.

My heel of my foot. How are you sitting? He's curled under himself. My, my, my. Do you know how chairs work? Yeah, we're fine. But I'm telling you. Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Let's go ahead and. I haven't looked at. The summer's perfect comedy for the whole family. I need to hear the synopsis. In theaters August 5th, Tom Brand, who's played by Kevin Spacey, is a daredevil billionaire at the top of his game.

A daredevil billionaire? A daredevil billionaire. Is he doing like evil Knievel jumps? Well, if you can think of a daredevil billionaire, that's gotta be Kevin Spacey. A stuffy businessman finds himself trapped inside the body of his family's cat. Yeah, yeah, so Kevin Spacey trapped inside the body of his family's cat. Yeah

Yeah, so Kevin spacey becomes in the body of the cat Does he talk? If you think I haven't deleted From my memory, sorry, it has a tomato Meter of 14 and I don't know how I mean apparently they let you know that the critics are the yeah That's one out of ten All right, so you have battlefield earth dumb and dumber and nine lives I have the happening in Pearl Harbor and my third pick which I genuinely thought everything you said They need a sequel They they couldn't get all the actors. It's on my list

They had to capture the money. They decided to write the worst script I've ever seen in my life. It almost ruins the franchise. Uh huh. At least for a while. For sure. I left the theater saying what on earth were they thinking? Yeah. Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull. That was the next top one on my life. I mean this was look spoiler alert. They brought this weird alien Civilization into the back part of the movie Brooks I hear you laughing. Do you remember that movie? I tried to forget but oh my gosh, it made me hate What they did because it's part of the franchise now and

No, it's not. I mean, I just. It doesn't have to be. I like it as a trilogy, and this just didn't exist. It doesn't exist. Thank you. And that's the reason I didn't take it is because I think universally everyone knows this never happened.

Yeah. All right. So that's what I'm going with. Mike, you're back on the clock for your final two picks all right So for the first pick let me get back to my list here The first pick this is where I'm just gonna go ahead and I'm going to agree with Everyone at the time But Will Smith was a superstar actor. Oh

I mean still he's still pretty much a superstar actor. Oh. I mean, he's still pretty much a superstar. He's had a lot of whiffs now. But this was the first. The beginning of the whiffs? The first big one. And it was supposed to be the movie this summer, but it was Wild Wild West Remake. And it is. It's so enjoyable. No. This is one where Jason likes the movie movie I really did enjoy it. I mean it was is not a good cinematic masterpiece, but it's just a fun silly flick It was nice. I stand alone here. Yeah, we got no you don't win Oh, I'll like that Brooks. Did you see it? What do you think? Wow? Oh, yes. It's been a long time I I don't know the winner of five razies. The best thing to come out of that was the song.

Maybe that's why I enjoyed it. And that's funny. You can go ahead. You can like the song. Isn't Cisco in that song? I don't know. He's the one who sings the hook. Wow.

Yeah, that was a crappy movie. Yes, it is very, very bad. And now for the movie where I'm sure that everyone else will disagree with me, but it is preposterous. It is a... It is the telling of a real person, but who was not actually a good person, but then they try and make them seem like they're a good person Oh, don't do it. Stop it right now. And it's and it's a musical

No, don't do it. This movie is great. It's a musical and the songs well are awesome. I'm the songs are catchy Super generic pop songs that they could have grabbed out of a hat that have nothing to do with anything of the movie. They've brought me to tears before. Their music is great. The Greatest Showman is horse crap. It is so ridiculous, preposterous. The plot holds just like I could have a 30 minute breakdown of why The Greatest Showman is one of the worst movies ever made. Wow. I have seen that movie 10 times, and I'm watching it tonight out

of respect for its masterful production. Let's see. Have you seen it, Judge? No. OK, Al, you're leaving. You're quitting? Yeah, I just quit my job. I love that movie.

I can't work for a man with that opinion. Yeah, you love that movie. It's a great movie. The music is awesome. The message is good. Yeah, I mean, wow. I can't work for a man with that opinion. Yeah, you love that movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. The music is awesome. What do you got against? The message is good. Yeah, I mean, wow, all right. Well, look, we knew that Mike hated that movie.

We knew it. Look, we've got people that want this. You know you can get him back. Yeah, well, that's fine. The whole thing is, no, I have these people that I exploit for money, and they are the outcast. So you have the bearded lady. But then we have Zendaya who's what a freak because she could do acrobatics you need

to watch the movie again you know I've seen it I've seen it twice I gave it its second shot and I went really and I went oh yeah this is just as bad as I remember and I like that movie oh it, it's, it gets better every time. It's an abomination. I'm gonna go, look, in trying to keep in form with the final pick being a movie that a bunch of people liked, but I thought was garbage. That's what I wanna pick too. Okay, so Mike went with The Greatest Showman, which I think, other than Mike, people liked.

Yeah. The movie I'm going with I think one best picture and is this like when you thought Jurassic Park no no this is like this is like a movie that legitimately won Oscars lots of them okay I thought it was the most boring terrible can I guess Just waste of my time. That simultaneously blew my eardrums out. Oh, oh, you're going, yeah. It's Dunkirk, which I call Dumb Kirk,

because it was awful. How'd you come up with that name? It's a play on the name of the movie. But listen. Pretty clever. Guys, anybody can watch a bunch of people stand on the sand for three hours while explosions go off in distant areas. This movie was heralded as it is supposed to be. This was Christopher Nolan. Yeah. Good golly. Don't watch them.

I've never seen it. I thought you were going to go English Patient at first. Right. No, I have not seen that movie. I have not seen. So it was a. Dunkirk was over three hours. It was a nominee for best motion picture. It did not win that thing. It won a ton of awards. It won.

It probably won the Golden Globe or something. It won in best achievement in sound editing and best achievement in film editing. I'm going to break news to you right now. I am shocked at something. At the length of the movie? At the length of the movie. Is it under three hours?

The movie is an hour and 46 minutes. You have talked about how long this movie is for years. It says everything I needed to say. The fact the movie's an hour and 46 minutes and I legit thought I was there for over three I was cannot believe I cannot I can't believe this because one thing that I know for a fact about done It's one hour and 46 minutes one thing. I know for a fact about Dunkirk I've never seen it myself is that it's three and a half hours Yeah

I only know that because of how many times I've heard Andy say that over the course of however long since Dunkirk has been out. My mind is blown. You could watch this tonight, Jay. You can watch this within the next two hours. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I'm sorry. That's one that people like, but I thought was garbage.

Now Brooks, did you see it? Yeah, and I'm with you and I love Dark Knight, Inception, Interstellar. It was really disappointing. And how long did it feel to you? I'm as shocked as you are. Yeah, all right. Dunkirk has an audience score of 81% who liked it. Those are people.

81% of people feel like they have to like that movie for people to think that they're respectable. 86% enjoyed The Greatest Showman. Eat it, Mike! That was the audience score? Yeah. What's the tomato score? 56%.

All right, so. Weird. It's been a while since I've been in a math class, but I'm pretty sure that's called an F. I don't know, man. I don't know. We have no way to stop telling. All right.

I'm up? OK, for my final pick, we're going in the theme of movies that are supposed to be great, that are super overrated, not good. And while I think Andy and Mike both expect me to take the super boring Blade Runner that Mike loves, which is awful. Are you talking 89% and 91% Blade Runner? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about the 99% tomato positive critical score and the 90% audience score. Ooh, here comes a hot take. Literally rated as the best number one movie of all time, Citizen Kane is not good. Citizen Kane sucks. The movie is not a fun, good movie. The story is not something special. There's nothing special. Here's what's special about Citizen Kane. The credits

come and there's like three dudes on it. It's like, wow! Wow! Three guys put this movie together. Fantastic work guys. You made a movie. A whole movie. This is supposed to be the greatest movie of all time! You have said this for years. Yeah. Now I have been lucky enough not to have watched it. Oh, man. I guess. Now 1941 might have had something to do with you not liking it. I'm sure I'm a little agist here towards movies

made in the 40s. That are black and white. Yeah. Trash. Just a pile of dog dung. Ha ha ha. All right, did you guys have any honorable mentions you want to throw out real quick? I was, before you took, um, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I was very prepared to be Smurfs

Temple of Doom. Maybe that series isn't as good as we thought. Oh, it definitely is. No, it's not. The first and second movies are not that good. It's just Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's really one movie that holds it up. Raiders is actually, it's not deaf. The first and second movies are not. Yes, just Raiders of the Lost Ark It's really one movie Raiders it up Raiders is actually it's good It's not as Raiders is good in the end is great

I would say well last 30 minutes in the opening with the boulder and everything well last crusade is a Sorry, I was thinking last Crusade is a perfect movie. But Temple of Doom is horrifically bad. Honestly gave me nightmares, too. Yeah, well, that was part of it. But I'm saying it's so bizarre, because Indiana Jones is one of my favorite characters. Still is one of my favorite characters.

But the majority of the movies in the franchise are actually not very good. Couple that came to mind, I remember when AI, artificial intelligence, came out with Haley Joel Osment. That movie sucked. I also had Ad Astra with Brad Pitt. Did any of you see that?

I did see that. That was hot trash. Yeah, that was not good. No, and then I too find Blade Runner boring. Yeah, that's cuz Blade Runner is super boring My only one left on my list. You're agreeing with the museum guy. I am I'm not feeling great about that. I Didn't draft it because I had nine lives and that was too many cats to put on but cats Did you you saw cats? So because my kids were in the musical cats we had a run Did you you saw cats? So because my kids were in the musical cats we had a run of cats and

Was it it was that bad? Well, I mean cats is that bad like the story Like you can't make it into a good movie, right? Because the story is stupid the music is bad cats is just cats is bad It just gets grandfathered into the present as like as supposed to like it as a class It's the Citizen Kane of musicals like oh, no, it As a classic. It's the Citizen Kane musical. It's the Citizen Kane musical. It's like, oh no, it's a classic. It's so important to the history of, shut up, it's bad. Why did it happen? Is that because we were coming out of the musicals

or like Oklahoma? Yeah, I think we were starved for a single song that's like. And like My Fair Lady and then Cas was sorta different. Memory. Batman and Robin was brought up by oh that movie was bad that movie ruins So Donald movies for about a decade that yeah. Yeah, that was a bad movie. That was a bad now that one That did have Jim Carrey. No, that's Batman forever. Oh that one was good

That was on the way it was salvageable. Yes. Because of Tommy Lee Jones and Val, mostly, not Val Kilmer, Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Yeah. Any others? That's all I got right now. What did we learn today? Oh man. I learned that, and thanks to you too, that pooping out your foot is not as useful as I thought it would be originally. Yeah, and conversely, I learned how incredibly cool and valuable, productive, and how much I need to write about the value of being able to urinate out of your pointer finger. What's for my new novel? Yeah.

Uh, Australia's Wider Than the Moon. moon that's I didn't know just not that's not real did you know and it doesn't have that much splendor that it's majestic yeah goodbye a marvel of size and splendor thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.