Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Fake Friends & Worst Songs to Play at a Wedding - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 20, 2025

Things get crazy on this episode and you don’t want to miss it. A huge milk vs orange juice debate, the best AI troll you’ve seen and a Worst Songs to Play at a Wedding draft make this an episode you don’t want to miss! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Zimidi-Zoop, Zoop, zing zong, so do we to do it a zoomsah. All right. All right. that's how you get off to a hot start you pick a letter that's my letter you pick a letter

that's mine we're in peewey's playhouse all mine you pick a letter of the day and you just roll with it yeah all the way through spitballers episode 3 44 welcome in we are so excited to be with you we have a great draft today we're doing some would you rather some life advice brand new episode for you and um thank you for listening Thank you for following the show. Thank you for subscribing. And you can find us on X at Spitballers Pod. We always want to hear your would you rather questions

or your life advice questions or your draft ideas. If you have a different place for us to do a battle royal draft that we haven't done. Oh, my goodness. Please let us know what other places on Earth exist. Yeah, we're trying to find the places that we haven't tried to kill each other yet. Yeah. We want to do those drafts. They're so fun.

So much. I want to kill these dudes. Yeah. Yeah. And I just can't figure out. In the most obscure place possible. We did the restaurant one most recently, and that worked out. But if there's some places we haven't done, we'd love to hear from you.

We appreciate everybody supporting the show. On a plane? Yeah, see, the big trick. Executive decision style. Yeah, exactly. The big trick is you need to be at a location. What a great movie. Which one?

Executive decision. I never saw that. Bro. I thought you're talking about like Air Force 1. No, no, no, no. Executive decision. Executive decision. It's a plane movie?

They were so ahead of their time because this was a Stephen Seagall. Okay, I'm going to time out. Spoilers. Spoiler warning. Stop recording. I don't know what year this came out, but it was definitely in the 90s. It's not a spoiler warning 30 years later. Okay, go on.

This is advertised as a Stephen Seagal, Kurt Russell. Oh, I hope it's Kurt Russell. Sounds good. It is Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell joint, right? And the whole thing is people have taken over a plane. 1996. Thank you, 96.

And they have to figure out how to take the plane back because something bad is going to happen. And it's advertised as Stephen Seagall, Kurt Russell. Stephen Seagall dies in the first 30 minutes of the movie. And it's like, it's, I mean... That is a spoiler. Okay, another spoiler. Sixth Sense, another spoiler.

Like, you, you know how the spoilers for Sixth Sense was like... They come at the end. Yeah, but this was like... More movies should do this. It was like, dude, it was so before it's time and so unexpected that Stephen Seagall at that time was one of the dudes. I mean... And then he's gone. Regardless of where Seagall is at this moment in time.

Probably the president of some country. Which, yeah, he's really a joke of all jokes. jokes, but it was like he was a high-powered A-list action star who unexpectedly goes and you're like, the rules are gone for this movie, which is great for a movie. Oh, it was awesome. Yeah, you want to know that it was a, it's a great movie. So what do you guys think about Battle Royale on a plane? Well, see, I love that, but you have to be able to draft 12 things from the location. Yeah. So name, I mean, a plane. I'm not giving away my list. Okay. Nice. I see. I see three. A bag of peanuts.

For a peanut allergy? I mean, maybe we could do it. No EpiPen. Just give us some places where we can draft 12 items and we would appreciate it. You can find us at Spitballers Pod. Al Borland always checking that out. Oh, dude, I'm watching executive decision. That movie was awesome.

Though you know the spoiler. It doesn't matter. The movie is great. I'm not watching it now. Would you rather? Jake from the website, Jason, Mike, would you? You'd rather be able to eat any foods you want that come from a can. Oh, any foods you want that come from a can, okay.

Or only eat a Taco Bell for the rest of your life. So Taco Bell forever or all canned food forever, which... Okay, hold on. So there's still penalties? How do you mean? I mean for the Tum-Tum. You're saying canned food is a penalty? Oh, yeah, you know, it's normal.

No, no, I mean, after I eat the canned food. No, we're not stopping any consequences of these. That's what I'm asking about. No, they're baked in to... You can only eat Taco Bell or you can only eat food from a can. I imagine if you eat Taco Bell long enough, you will acclimate physically. That's not possible. I can guarantee it.

That is... I can get... Been there, done that. Hold on. When you destroy yourself nonstop... Okay. I'm not saying... You trained. I trained for many years.

So it's like the water slide has an everlasting water... going along it. I have no idea what that means. I think it's a diarrhea comment. Oh, is that a diarrhea going? Well, imagine going down a water slide with no water. If you had diarrhea every day, would your body become less annoyed with diarrhea? Probably.

What I'm saying is if you eat up scars. If you eat this every day, you will no longer diarrhea. Right. No, no, no. But that's some, no, no, no. It's possible. That's true. So you started with diarrhea.

Everyone starts with diarrhea. At Taco Bell. Yeah. And then eventually, if you eat it enough, your body goes, this is what normal is. You're going to die young. No, it's permanent. You have permanent diarrhea, but it's so delicious.

What? The diarrhea is delicious? Okay, you're hearing what I'm saying. Taco Bell is so good. I love Taco Bell. Oh my gosh, I love Taco Bell. But there's consequences. Because it turns out when you go, I mean, it's not this price anymore, but it's like, when you go and you pay 50 cents for a taco, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's

prices to pay. Pay up front or pay later. Door Taco Bell. Yeah, it's great. Do you know what I think about with canned food is I think of canned food purely in the context of in a post-apocalyptic world

if you have like a big old basement full of canned food, you're like the richest person alive. That's how I think of canned food. Interesting. I think of canned food purely in the future currency. It's future currency. Like I just don't.

What else comes in a can? So I thought of all vegetables. I thought of like canned green beans. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, all soups, fruits as well. If you're going to make some, oh, yeah, yeah, you can get some ringed pineapple? Yeah, oh, yeah, that stuff's good. So if you're making pumpkin pie, you're getting your pumpkin from a can. Yeah, that's true.

So you can eat soups, beans, canned pastas, tuna, oh, canned tuna fish. Yeah, canned tuna's very good. It's like Mike is a baby discovering what's in a can for the first time. I know how to get Mike over the hump because I don't know which side. Spam comes in a can, Mike. Oh, dude, Spam is so good. I would pick the canned food here. Do I have to drive to a Taco Bell?

No, you just, it just gets come to your house. Oh, dintymore beef stew. I love dintymore beef stew. Tell us about COVID and when I've tried. Yeah, I ordered, well, so COVID was going on. and you had to... You couldn't trust anything. Couldn't trust anything.

I'm ordering canned beef stew because I, you know, canned food is the future currency. You're still the only person I know that bought a lot of beef stew during COVID. Well, a lot? A lot. So I thought I was buying 10 cans of beef stew. And you bought. Which is a lot. That's a lot of cans.

But I bought 10 cases of cans of beef stew. I mean, each case probably had like 16 cans. I think I had 160 cans and did more beef stew. So how was... Going through that. Did you not see the price point? I didn't look. I didn't look, Mike.

I just hit 10 on the drop-down menu selector. Oh, you went by now? This tells you everything. So did you eat through it? No, I gave a lot away. Okay. I mean, it's gone now. Bro, you were Santa Claus during COVID.

If someone in my neighborhood was like, come get canned beef stew? Well, to be fair, this was. No, I was hoarding. I was hoarding until I realized like, oh, did you? gouge? Food is. No, I didn't gouge. I gave. I gave freely. But I gave once. I was like, yeah, you can get food on... Traded it for toilet paper. You can get it. Possible.

Yeah, who had toilet paper. I still have, I still have some toilet paper from COVID, mind you, this is five years later. No, you do not. I have toilet paper in brands that I would never want to use. Because it's, you can see through it. Yeah, because I could get it. Like, I remember I ordered some from China on eBay,

and it came as tiny rolls. Oh, I got the tiny rolls, too. They were basically because the picture makes it look Like their regular rolls of toilet paper, and then they arrived, and it's basically, you know the receipt. You know the receipt? I still got it. I was leaving it. Like, what?

No, no, you were. Well, I got trees. Oh, man. But, yeah, you know, like the receipt rolls of paper. Yeah, they were that size. They basically looked like that. But it was toilet paper, and it came in like 20 of them. So you think you're getting toilet paper in the mail and you're getting tiny ones that you bought from China.

That's hilarious. And you can't put, and it had the, like, the whole. hole in the middle to put it on a roll. No, it didn't fit. If it was a Susie Talks-A-Lot bathroom, sure. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, we bought the same thing, but I've still got some, like, razor blade toilet paper left over from the days of 40.

That's so funny. I'm going to go officially canned food. Final answer? I'm going Taco Bell. I need, okay. I mean, I still, like I do, I always have questions. This, is this like a delivery service Taco Bell? Like, how fresh?

It's fresh. It's just Taco Bell. It's just Taco Bell. No, no, no. That's, okay, okay. So you don't know what I'm going to talk to Jason. Let's be realistic here. Let's be realistic here. Let's be realistic here because if you're telling me that at my door, fresh, like I just went through the drive-through.

She's a gordita crunch? Yes, that's not happening. You can either go to Taco Bell. Okay. But I can. You're allowed. You can drive there and eat it fresh there. Okay.

Or you can have it delivered. Just basically just like it is today. Now. Normal now. Yeah. It's just. normal now, but you're only allowed to eat. Your choice. Taco Bell. Okay. Yeah. And you want to know what's great about the? I pick Taco Bell.

Okay. Because when you go on your family vacation to, you know, I don't know, is there, is there Taco Bell in Hawaii? I got a pack-can food. You're not going overseas. No. Otherwise, you're packing up. You know how much that luggage is going to be. I can buy canned food at the store. Hmm. It's not that bad. Taco Bell is international, right? I don't think so. I don't think Taco Bell's international. So in other words, when you travel, you now are can eat. I think you're going to be surprised. Fast food is very international. Did you know that overseas over 31 countries? You have 31 countries. Did you know that overseas Burger King is called Hungry Jacks? I didn't know that. I did not know that. If you go to London, England, does it taste better? No, it's it's Burger King, but it's called Hungry Jacks. Not even a king.

Yeah. Oh, is that because in England like there's only one king? Like you can't Could be. You're not. The Burger King? Until recently, they were very Queen heavy. Well, it was the Burger Queen over there? I wonder what they called Dairy Queen. Dairy King.

All right, Cassie 22 from Patreon. Would you rather have four hours to finish a cold gallon of milk or a room temperature gallon of orange juice? Four hours to drink a gallon of milk? Or a room temperature. What's wrong with the room temperature gallon of? of orange juice. What's something bad about that? Four hours for a gallon of milk is no problem.

The problem is when you have to do like a milk challenge, you have to chug it. Yeah, but it's four hours for either item. So would you rather drink a gallon of milk or a gallon of orange juice? What's wrong with? What I rather put a gallon of acid in my stomach? Oh my gosh. Grow up. I have grown up.

You're weak body. You're weak body. Orange juice is no problem. A gallon? I could drink five gallons of orange juice. No, you could not. No, you could not. It's going to do some bad things to my bloodstream.

yeah milk's not great i mean a gallon of milk's a lot of milk you're going to throw up i would not throw up from the orange juice over four hours i think you can do it over four hours that's not a problem if you drink a gallon of milk in an hour you're going to throw up if you drink a gallon of milk over four hours you're going to feel awful i mean you're going to feel terrible dairy is i love milk but i'm choosing the orange juice dude you and you deal with acid reflux you are not thinking about the heartburn i'll get through it no over a milk i mean that's crazy talk. After the, after I drink the gallon of orange juice, I'll drink a gallon of milk to fix it, but I will. No way. I will say this. Give me the milk. If there was, let's, let's just

not close. Let's take this, you know, not, we don't want to be extreme here. Not on this. That's why it's four hours. So we're very balanced. Just say, I'm curious, there's just a tall glass in front of you. They're both cold. A tall glass of milk or a tall glass of orange juice. That's so easy. It is so easy. It's so easy. It's orange juice. It's milk.

It's milk. To me, it's based on what else I'm eating. No, no, no. This isn't a cookies of milk. This is nothing. I just choose which one? You're thirsty. Middle of the day.

How cold is it? You're thirsty. Ice cold. Ice cold. Milk. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I have grown to the age.

Just a little bit cold, orange juice. Ice cold milk is so good. It's sweet, dude. It's so good. The idea of just. downing a glass of milk to me. What do you think of milkshakes?

It feels awful. What do? That's interesting. I do enjoy ice cream, yes. Hold on. I mean, it's a milk? Just because it's got the word milk. I'm not drinking.

It's a liquid milk product. No, we need to unwrap this. How much sugar do you need? What about chocolate milk? Does that change it for you? Of course. Yes, we've been over this. So if it was ice cold chocolate milk,

you'd pick that over the orange juice? Probably not still. Okay. But maybe, maybe. Somebody. What we're learning is that Jason loves orange juice. I do love orange juice. I mean, that's clear.

Orch juice is so good. It's good. You want to know who has the best orange juice? McDonald's. Oh, it's McDonald's. I knew you're going to say that. It's 100% McDonald's. I knew you're going to say it.

I don't know if there's any juice in that orange juice. I would assume no, but it is perfect. Really? I know exactly what you're talking about. They serve it with no ice, obviously. And you get it with your little potato. Oh, the hash brown. The hash brown.

And that's an iconic orange juice. Really? Oh, it's so good. It's iconic. It's elite. It's like McDonald's Coca-Cola. It's got its own. It's its own thing.

Okay. That's a very strong. Comp argument. They know what to do with their drinkies. How does, why does McDonald's Coca-Cola taste so much better than everybody else's? I've heard that their syrup mix is different. I've also heard that they have a, like theirs come in metal. Like, it's delivered in metal.

I don't know. As opposed to plastic? Well, normally they're delivered in paper. So I've done... Paper bags? It's a... No, no, no. Well, yes.

No, no, no. A plastic bag inside of a cardboard box is the way a box of syrup comes. Oh, okay, okay, okay. But I know that they have a different syrup mix and a different carbonation level at McDonald's. They've mixed those things together. Yeah, McDonald's Coke is prepared using syrup delivered in stainless steel tanks. And I think they're like one of the only ones to do that. not seem proprietary. That seems very

accomplishable for everybody else. I think that they, but they have an agreement with Coke because they're selling more cooked than probably anybody in the world to like have it their way. But it, but it is like this is, this is factually true. Yeah. McDonald's Coca-Cola. It's better. tastes better than everybody else's code. Yes, it does. Yeah, it is. And that could actually be a product of, and I have no, this is speculation. We're just, we're just talking. Yeah, no, yeah, no sponsors here. But it could be a product of like more

stuff could have tasted the same long ago and maybe maybe McDonald's just kept doing it the same way where everything else changed I don't know but that but that also seems very on like I said not as much that seems very on McDonald's of something where you're like oh it costs more to do this so we're not going to cost them more I doubt it costs them more then why doesn't everybody do it because not everybody's McDonald's yeah they're not allowed to do it I mean that's also it's like a proprietary thing imagine your coke who you want to deal with the most McDonald's. They've got to be the biggest seller of Coke in the world. That's, I'm on it. There cannot be another, another bigger buyer of Coca-Cola.

But that's, that's what I'm, I'm confused about is I don't, I think you're right that McDonald's is probably the largest, but it's like, but it's not like by a exponential or multiple. People are still buying Coke everywhere else. It's just. Coca-Cola. Yeah. Both. But, but yeah, I, look, one's available in. McDonald's. It's a cold glass of milk is my final answer. Yeah, it's so easy that it's... I can't... Orange juice?

Orange juice. Okay, okay. I really don't think that I want to say vanilla. Plain milk is appealing to me anymore. Like when I was a kid... So let me ask you this. But here's... No, you're getting lost in the sauce. Go do it. Go have a big cold glass of milk.

I dare you. I feel like it would make my tummy just feel... No, it won't. It'll feel so good. Will you do this for us? Drinking is your friend Yeah, I will do that for you guys Ice cold glass I would prefer it ice cold Yes

I still know that I don't want warm milk Yeah Look Also If you tell me I'm having like pancakes For goodness sakes I don't even care about the pancakes When there's a glass of milk involved

The pancakes are my pathway to the milk The drinking of milk At the post syrup pancake Like if you eat the pancake That glass of milk Is the most delicious thing in the face of the earth. Interesting.

Give it a world. Don't eat a pancake or a waffle with syrup and don't drink during it. Is it the starch or the syrup? Only the Lord knows. Whatever a combination, you know, certain things are a good pairing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. A glass of milk to wash down a pancake with syrup is the heaven. It's the closest thing to heaven I've ever experienced.

So, Jason, you're at an airport. in the morning. Did that come through the microphone? I think it'll still be there in post. That was the pretty loud bloop. That was the most perfect persplosh. It sounded like what was that? It sounded like when you drop a rock into a well.

Yeah, you know, when we were in third grade, you were the, that was a perfect. You would hit your splash. That was incredible. Yeah. All right. Jason, you're at the airport. Yeah.

Morning. Yeah, I'm at the airport. Okay. And they offered. Getting ready to fly or I just arrived? I got to know. You're getting ready to fly. Okay. I'm going to board a two and a half hours. They offer you a Bloody Mary. Oh, sounds great. Okay. Okay. That's the guy. He's the one. Okay.

He's why they ordered. That was the finish? Yeah. No, I don't need to ask another question. Yeah, that's all you need to know about this, man. Like, well, I'm a spicy morning drink is fine for him. The Venn diagram of Bloody Mary and orange juice people has to be a perfect circle. Yeah, that's a pretty good point. Because you are a bloody Mary guy. I do. I like a good. No, Bloody Mary's are great. It's just tomato juice. Yeah, it's, who wants tomato juice in the morning? Do you want to immediately ruin your day? I hate to complicate this, but I'm with Jason on the orange juice and I don't like Bloody Mary's. Oh, are you sure? Yeah, it's a good point. When is the last time he bought a Bloody Mary? He'll have a glass of milk

and I'll try a Bloody Mary. Papa Josh. What if you's going to have a much better time? Papa Josh, where do you weigh in on the milk versus orange juice? Orange juice all day. I don't like milk. Are you a Bloody Mary guys? Yeah, actually, they're pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like milk. Okay, maybe it's not a perfect Venn diagram, but it's a very overlapping circle. So final, orange juice, milk, milk. All right. Michael from Patreon, would you

rather have a partner who farts too much or snores too loud? Snores too loud. What does fart too much? It's a problem. What do you mean, what is it? It's a big problem. I mean, like, more than normal. Just, like, it impacts your day.

Here's what farts too much means. The too much means it's beyond what you find acceptable. Yes. Okay. Okay. What is that level? For me, it's not too high. No, no, no, no.

This is going to sound incorrect, but it's factual. Women should not fart. Oh, get out of here. Get out of here. Oh, you show, you chauvinous pig. Boom. You chauvinous pig. He's 100% correct.

Here's what I'm, we're both chauvinous pigs. And I am the world's most farting human. Oh, yeah, you embrace it. Okay, so here's... As a man! Yeah, that's... That's a man's game. You two are the worst.

I know. I know. I know we're the worst, but keep your fart secret, okay, so I got, no, uh, look, this is a, this is a podcast where we, we all get personal. Does your spouse fart? A little bit. A little, a little bit. My wife, like, does, it's much like your, Jason, your, your inability to burb,

oh my wife like just she cannot fart so so then i was going to say what is there wait your wife doesn't fart no never that would be incredible she may be the best we've ever heard of for she could be she's probably hitting it for 24 years she could be although papa josh are you is this public information yeah oh yeah 24 years he's never heard his wife never once yeah i i think it's possible but so that's why i was going to bring you to the what is the baseline of fart too much because it's based on the standard they set here no no here's what i here's what i here's what i think the standard is how much you fart oh that's not okay no oh you're over the level i'm so far beyond the levels like here's here's the thing that's what i also snores too

loud yeah well i've got a CPAP so no i know can you put one of those on your butt oh that's a good just a just a evacuation tube um I think a C-PEP. He's got them on both ends. He's just, gas is in, gas is out. You don't hear it. I think five farts a day would be qualifying. Smelly or not smelling?

It smelly matters to me. Smelly matters, but let's just take that out. I feel like you guys are lying. One smelly fart is the maximum versus 10 non-smelly fart. The appropriate amount of farts is directly correlated with the amount of force that I have. No. No. That's impossible.

I fart seven hundred times a day. So then seven hundred parts is appropriate. It's an open double standard that we are admitting to. Yes. Yes. Mike, we are openly admitting this is a double standard. Guys are rough and tumble farters. By the way, it's definitely a sea crap. Move on.

Okay. Okay. I mean, we're out working on the ranch. We fart. We're manly men. You guys are ridiculous. You know where I'm farting on a daily base? This is down in my coal mine.

I think the farts should be proportional to facial hair you have. We talk into a microphone. If you have a mustache or a beard, you can fart more. Well, so if she, if they grow it out. I mean, everyone grows a mustache from time to time. Yeah. You guys. It's been a really, yeah, we're having fun with it.

I feel like, honestly, my baseline of how many farts is fully how many times. How farts do you fart a day? What a great question. Thank you. Six to ten? Six to ten. Yeah. I would say I'm probably five to eight.

No, you're not. You fart three to four times a day at the office. Yeah, you're the loudest office farder. I am. Loudest and proudest, yeah. Yeah. I don't hide it. No, you don't hide it.

No. You give little squeakies. But you just said four times at the office. I said five to eight total. That math's out. I go zero at the office. or, well, unless, depending on who I'm going to. I was going to say, I went six to ten, and I'm, and that's factoring at night,

like night and morning, like a little 3 a.m. you wake up. It depends what you eat. But listen, listen, the, um, the answer to this question is I would rather have you be able to fart too much. Despite all of this, if you want to fart a hundred times a day, don't mess with my sleep. I get ear plugs. Yeah, I, oh, wait, you had sleep? Yeah. Dude, snoring is tough, man. My wife used to snore, and I have to constantly wake her up. How loud is the, the CPAP is pretty silent now? Yeah, it's, it's, it's kind of a, the tech has, no, the CPAP is like a, it's like a flowing wind. It's really like, like, flowing wind, huh?

Can I do your nighttime, here's what nighttime's like at the Morris House. Yes. Yes. Dude, that's exactly what my sleep. That is what my sleep sounds like. So you're telling me you wear a device on your face. Correct. That is blowing air into my...

Into you. Into you. Into you. And what's unfortunate is it is actually coming out from below into the machine. Yeah, how does the air get out? Well, only one way, man. You know, you breathe air in while you sleep too. Oh, no. Oh, I know. And I said, I fart a lot at night.

I fart infinity. I fart infinity. Guys, do you have no... He can't. He's the only person I know that at any moment, if it's for humor's sake, he could produce one. I can fart on cue almost always. You're farting right now, aren't you? From 5 to 7 a.m., it's at least 1,000 farts. But I can't burp.

Wait, so do you, does that mean at nighttime you're not farting? Oh, I'm farting through the night. Oh, okay. I thought maybe the quantity. That's not storn up. It's not storn up. Nope, it's just created. Are you, always creed?

Are you familiar with the BFG, the book, Roll doll? The big friendly giant, yeah, the big friendly giant. and about how like they drink the oh the fizzy yeah they do the uh the whiz poppers yeah because they because belching is oh my gosh that is inappropriate right it's only farts yeah woman don't they don't belch either right i saw a video and i think this is actually true it was on my instagram i'm scrolling the other day and it was a um because it wasn't it wasn't funny it wasn't you know like a sketch thing and it was a doctor and a patient talking about i forget the syndrome's name but it was basically like you can't burp you've never been able to burp your entire

life it's what you have it's what i have and and the symptoms look it up dozers and the symptoms for these included it was not burping well yes it's not but it had other stuff too like bloating and excessive flatulence and things like that, which I've got excessive flatulins. What condition do you have? I don't remember the name. Someone's looking it up. But hyperflageitis. There was

That sounds pretty scientific. There is a surgery a procedure. It's like they Botox something inside of you and then you can retrograde cricininous dysfunction cryopharyngeous

Crico pharyngeous That's you But there was this procedure That I could have done You got RCD Where I could then burp And so like this woman was showing That she's never been able to burb in a whole life

And then she drank some fizzy stuff And then she belched And it was like this has changed my life I wonder if I could burp If I would fart less I bet you I mean based off of literally everything You just said

Then yeah you probably would Should I get the procedure That's up to you I mean, if I could fart on command I probably would not change anything. I thought the procedure would just put in one of those like, you know, the inflatable when you blow up like

gastro? Like you open up a little valve and it just lets the gas out of your side? Like when you're like when you're trying to fix a lung? Sure. Yeah, yeah, like one of those. You got a collapsed lung? Yeah, except for it's like an inflatable, you know, tube, one of the things that you blow in to inflate them. You install them. You're imagining there's a balloon on your side that fills

with your farts. No, no, no, no. Your body's the balloon, and you just have the little valve that you open to release the gas. So you fart out your ribs. It's time for commercials. Goodbye. It's what we're known for. Life advice. Joel from Twitter says we got a beautiful new.

For the last discussion. Yeah. We got a beautiful new. colored couch. My wife insists it's a, quote, no food zone. I believe all couches should be snack zones. Where is the line between responsible and joyless? Oh, what a well, what a well phrased sentence. Not only the sentence itself, but I think that this is someone who's thinking through things in a proper way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not being extreme here because as we've said so much, there's no extremes here. This is a reasonable

calculated show it's an important distinction you can't have a joyless life just because you've got fancy couches let me let me ask you this how many snacks per week would you like to enjoy on a couch one a day

yeah is it one a day 80 in a week yeah I'm just saying if you had a couch I mean if that's the only barometers how many would I like to have a lot of snacks what I mean is like if you're going to be using it regularly to snack how many on average per person per week, would you say you snack?

Is it one a day per person of a family of five? Sure, yeah. One a day feels reasonable. So that's seven? So that's five a day. So that's five a day times 365, right? Yeah. So that's about 1,825 snacks.

How long does an average couch last before you change your couch out? At least five years. Okay, so, brother, I've had, I have had my couch. I'm approaching my, get the applause ready. I'm approaching my 20th wedding anniversary. Oh, that was the applause. Oh, oh, no! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. The couch. The people are not happy about your anniversary.

They are not feeling it. The couch I own right now was purchased with our wedding gift money. That is really disgusting. No, my couch. It's legit. It's legit. How much does a normal, cheap, basic couch cost? Like an average couch? An average couch? An average couch? $1,500? I think that's fair.

I think that's a really fair price. Okay. All right. I'm doing some math here because you can get them cheap. You can get them expensive. $1,500 is just like that's... If you have to change your couch every five years, because of the activities of snacking on your couch,

it is a $0.16. It is a $0.15 surcharge per snack to enjoy... That's nothing. couch. No, it's the way it's meant to be enjoyed. No, it is not. Your math is flawed. Joel from Twitter says we got a beautiful new light color

couch. This is not a $1,500 a couch. This isn't your average run of the mill couch. It's a special couch. And let me just tell you. Is it a $3,000 couch? Yeah, so now you're talking 30 cents surcharge per snack? For joy? I, so here's what I recommend, Joel. Because I kind of am dealing with this

in my own house. Did you get a light color couch? We got some new furniture, a nice little sitting area. It's off the living room, off the kitchen. And my kids keep eating there. And they keep snack in there. And there's a rug there. And it's just, it's causing problems, man. Sure. It's like, light colored rug. It's not a light color rug, but it's a, it's a dusted with snack particles rug at all times. Okay, okay. A light orange. Yes, exactly. So what are you doing about this? A hue? here's a thing

we got plenty of places to eat it's a no food zone it's a no snack zone but I have snack zones hold on I got eating fun areas well for the kids for the kids

and for me if the kids aren't around you know what kids are to be fair kids are around kids are messy oh my gosh so I mean like I feel like I can responsibly like I can take the responsibility of if I make a mistake on my couch I paid for the couch

guys I like that. So I just mentioned, I've had the same couch since I got married. Yeah, it was pretty gross. No, I've had a professionally clean before. Okay, good. Once. Had it restuffed.

It's a great couch. You really are holding on to this thing. But so, and I... Restuffing costs 3X the price of a new couch. Oh, yeah. You know, like when you fix a... That's why you can't get rid of it. When you get in a car wreck with a used car and you're like, you fix the car.

So I've been in my current house now for... 10 and a half years and like the couch is up against the wall and we recently oh did you pull it up way from the wall very very recently we changed out the rug that was on the living room floor sweet mother of god oh man it was Vietnam behind this couch guys the the amount of did you find clothes jungle guys rappers the amount of kids Vitamins. Kids vitamins. Oh, they're throwing them back there. Oh, yeah, which, I mean, I can't, I can't get mad.

I can't fault them because I did the same thing when I was a kid when my parents tried to. Did you, you throw them away? Oh, I had, yeah, I had like a thing in my room and my parents found all the vitamins. So it was like, so I was like, I can't get super mad about it. But good, sweet Lord, it was every piece of the sectional you moved was a 30 minute cleanup operation. It always happens like that. It was bananas. When we moved, we did that.

Disgusting it was. Did you say you were replacing a rug? Yes. Now, was this hardwood or was this on carpet? It's a rug on a carpet. Okay. Let me ask you this, because I've had this happen before. Yes, there was one, the patch of rug that was under the carpet, you're like, different

color? It is. The carpet is two different colors, right? Oh, yes. That's so crazy. Oh, yes. Because it's not like you don't vacuum or even get your carpets clean sometimes or whatever. But you take this rug that's been there for a while.

And you're like, so our carpet once upon a time was that color. It was like a white sheet of notebook paper and then a sheet that is just was painted dark black. It was that distinct. Did you get a rug the same size then? Oh, yeah. Same size or bigger. Yeah, it was just like, how is this possible? How disgusting?

So to answer the question. question, Jason, you're saying that you acknowledge that there can be snack zones and no snack zones. Exactly right. So is that what you would recommend to Joel? I think if you got a beautiful couch, don't eat on it. That's fine. Find other places a snack. I can snack anywhere. Well, you can. You can. It's your couch. So the adults can snack there. Should Joel be able to snack there? Yes. His wife says is now who buys the couch. Oh, but always the problem is with the wife. Can you eat on half? Can you have a half of your couch you could eat on? Oh, that's true. Like you're half? If you're, uh, you know.

I would not recommend that because in about five years, when things get replaced, you're going to look quite the fool. Because yours will be disgusting. Yeah, yours is going to be an orange hue. Ricky from Patreon, I have a friend who FaceTimes me every time he calls. Even if it is just a quick question with no visual requirements. Yep. I have even tried not accepting the call and then immediately calling back with audio only. And he says, sorry, I missed the call.

what's up and then immediately converts it to a FaceTime call. Oh my gosh. How do I end this insanity? You have one of those? So I've kind of got two of these. Always a FaceTime call. So my son, Isaac, he defaults to FaceTime calls every time. I don't understand your friend.

Correct. And then there is this loser. This absolute biggest loser. Brian's a FaceTimeer? I loved it if I just say there's a FaceTimer? Yes. Brian Ketriot is a FaceTimeer. Every call is a

FaceTime call. So this is this, okay, hold on. Time out. We have a double problem here. Okay. He doesn't FaceTime you. He does not FaceTime me. Okay, we got a triple problem here. We got to. Usually the call that he is FaceTime. Hold on. Is to Jeremy. To Jeremy? Yeah. Every time. Every time.

Wait, wait, only to you. He facetimes you? He facetimes you? Yeah, every time he calls me. Bro, but not Jason? He facetimes Jason He facetimes me Hold on So I guess the problem is Hold on

I thought I was friends I'm He doesn't want to see you It's that mug I love that it's turned into Now you're jealous That he's not FaceTiming you

I also he listens to this show I co-manage An ungodly amount of fantasy football teams You should face time I can't I can't handle that I can't not handle that

Rejection you're telling me that a person I talk to basically every day of my life facetimes you both he's in my my Dungeons and Dragons was he was yeah and he doesn't he facetimes you guys yep every call is a face time call every single call is a face time call

and and he's he's listening I'm gonna be honest and Jeremy I don't think Jeremy has a problem it's weird me like yeah do you like it Jeremy? He's only one person that calls? He's the only person I know that does that. He's the only person. Like, why do why would you not? There's been a number of times

where it's like, Brian's calling, I got to find a shirt real quick. Yeah, it's like, I got to find a, I got to find a background. Like, I got to go get against the wall. I don't want him to see my mess. I can I cannot articulate how my feelings are right now. Oh, that's so sad. They are destroyed.

Let me, let me tell you this. It is a respect for you that he doesn't have for us, which is why. What if that is the truth. What if the truth is. But here's the thing. I'm super cool with them. Are you FaceTiming him right now? I can hear it. I'm super cool to FaceTime. He can face. You would be down with him. So ironically, he's getting it backwards. He should be calling me and FaceTiming you. What a piece of crap. Yeah. Well, he's a loser. Are you joking me? He's a he's a giant loser. Mike is really hurt. I am. Maybe did he happen to FaceTime you one point in time and maybe it wasn't the

Sight to behold? No. When's the last time he FaceTimed you? The FaceTime ring is still. He's not going to answer. No, he ain't answer mine. No. Oh, my, Jeremy FaceTime him.

Jeremy FaceTime. Right now. Jeremy FaceTime him right now. He will answer 100% of Jeremy FaceTime. If he answers, he's out. Oh, yes. If he answers. Put it up by the mic.

Put it up. If he answers this call, he is a dead man. Deleted. He's a dead man. He's in so much trouble. Please answer. How long is it take you to call him, Jeremy? There we go.

Okay, it's ringing. It's ringing. But when's Jason, when's the last time he FaceTimed you? Within the last week? No, not in the last week. Okay. If he answers that FaceTime right now? Oh, he has no idea.

He's a dead man. He is in for. He better not. He's not answered. Okay. Thank goodness. Okay. Well, so what's the, what's the practical solution for, I don't even care about this question.

For Ricky. Ricky's got. This is about my friend who FaceTimed other people. I thought I was a good friend. Yeah, I mean, you weren't. You're not. Clearly. Well, now I know. I think the He actually low resolution calls you, too.

He tries to get the signal the lowest possible. If my friends would FaceTime me, I would happily answer it every single time. That is so opposite of your personality. This is blowing everyone's mind because I was wondering how much of Brian not facetiming. He was just because of your personality and we would all imagine that you would not

want to be FaceTime. Yeah. Oh, very much. Maybe maybe he respects that. But here's the thing is, like, if you, like if anyone in this room, not Josh, who would FaceTime me, I'm just saying, I'm just, I'm just saying, talking truth. I'm just saying like Jeremy, Jeremy, I have, I have 100% FaceTime Jeremy multiple times because I'm like, Jeremy. How do I fix this plumbing problem? Exactly. Exactly. Oh, I FaceTime Josh a lot actually because I'm like, hey, check this computer problem out.

I'm like, hey, I don't want to see him. I'm like, hey, Jeremy, I need a real man to tell me how to fix the shower right now. And honestly, you know what? A joke's aside. Josh is fine. Like, my friends. That was really nice of you to hop in there and be like, okay, jokes aside. I don't want him to feel too bad.

Right. No, you've got a heart of gold. My true friends, if you FaceTime me, I'm going to be like, oh, shoot, what's up, bro? Like what, like, what's going on? I'm not going to have a single problem with it. No, but he won't do that. well i don't i mean my friends i thought my friends face time yeah yeah yeah they do that's oh my well that opened up a world of but basically i can't i'm not even going to message him about you need

to shoot this person straight you got to just tell them you got to be like dude this you got to call him a weirdo because that's the truth you the truth no rickie this person is not your friend no you're saying that this person is they think you're a closer friend than you want them to be Yeah. Well, Ricky is saying, I have a friend who facetimes me. No, you don't. No, you don't. You have an acquaintance who facetimes you. You're saying the opposite of what you've been asking this whole time. You're saying that. So this friend facetimes you and Ricky's basically saying, hey, I'm not that close of a friend. Yes, I'm telling Ricky that this person is not actually your friend.

You're not logical with yourself here. Okay, please tell me one. All right. So in one situation, the big. The biggest loser is facetiming us, and he's not facetiming you, which hurts your feelings because you feel like you're close friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's basically calling us a real friend because he's FaceTiming us. Right.

In this question from Ricky, the friend who is FaceTiming him every time he calls, he doesn't want him to FaceTime, but he's FaceTime calling him. So that's you saying he must really be a close friend because he's willing to FaceTime right. But for Ricky, in Ricky's side of the story, the person who's calling him. is not truly a friend because he doesn't want it to happen. In Ricky's side of the story, Ricky's not a true friend. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not what your words were saying. Yeah, that's the opposite of what you're saying. I think Mike's trying to say if Ricky really considered this guy a friend, he'd be happy when he facetimes. We're saying the same thing. So you're saying Ricky doesn't consider him a friend. Ricky does not consider this person a friend.

Otherwise, he'd be okay with a FaceTime call. Yes. So are we saying, God, are we saying what I've been saying the whole time? Not exactly. Not with your words. With your heart. Yes, with your heart. Jeremy was able to work it out.

Yeah, Jeremy fixed it. But your words were not saying. But here's what I'm saying. Here's what we're saying. That's a global statement to say, if you have a true friend, then you're always fine with them facetiming you. That's basically what you're saying. 100%. Which I think if you just FaceTime somebody all the time, that's weird.

Yeah. Not my friends. My closest friend. My closest friend, if you FaceTiming me all the time, I would, it would be call three where I'd be like, dude, what the hell are you doing? Why are you FaceTiming me? Stop it. I don't want to look at you every time. No. Without a purpose?

I don't want you to see me. Yeah. Okay. I'm ashamed of me. See, I don't like people. I don't like people. That's why this is so weird. But the people in the bubble, let's face time.

Let's do it. Let's face time. All right. We'll take a break. We'll do a draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting the worst songs to play at a wedding. The worst possible songs to play at a wedding could be for a variety of reasons.

I have the first pick. We all have a wide selection. There are a lot of different songs that could be terrible for a wedding environment. as a wedding is supposed to be celebrating love and beauty and all of your friends and family observing this covenant and this beautiful time

and there are some songs that just don't make any sense I'm having Mike just removed Brian as his co-owner in our fantasy football league oh fantastic well this is going to come to fruition my number one pick

um worst songs you can play at a few funeral. I'm, I'm going to go here. I think there's a million picks. I'm going to go taps. Oh, not on my list and it's great. I'm going to take the bugle call of taps. Yeah, I mean, it's just, that's not on my list. That is so good. I think that's bad. Yeah, no, you don't want to hear that. At a funeral. No, not at all. So I'm at a wedding. Sorry, at a wedding. Yeah. You do want to hear at a funeral. That's exactly the point. all right so taps is my pick mike you are back on the clock i mean i'm upside down there's

the rest of the show does not matter the rest of the show does not matter uh let me try and mike is breaking up with a friend but uh yeah i got i got more leagues i got to dump him out of oh my gosh i here's the thing i am a very very loyal friend yeah yeah you cross that line The grudge. Goodbye. The grudge. Goodbye. Is he your dynasty? He was. If you had a wedding right now, you wouldn't invite him.

So the first thing I thought of... I need to go invite a new dynasty co-manager. That's going to be pretty offensive to your current to Mr. Schneider. Who is not my co-man. Oh, he's not? He got his own team. Nobody knows what you guys are talking about. The people that follow the fantasy football bars may...

All right. Caps is the number one pin. Mike, you're on the clock. The first thing that I thought of was a tremendous hit by a man named Meatloaf. Okay. Because he said, I would do anything for love. But I won't do that. But I won't do that.

What is it that he won't do? I don't know. Does anyone know? It's got to be bad. Probably not worth digging into. What does that song even mean? Probably not worth digging into. At a wedding, I feel like that would be very bad mojo.

Yeah, to limit the love. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to limit the love at a wedding. Jason, you're on the clock taps, some meatloaf. Jason, you got two picks. Okay. Okay. I'm going to say there's a lot of, I think, great carry under,

carry Underwood songs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be great at a wedding. Like been waiting all day for Sunday night? Oh, yeah. that's the for sure i mean look if if your wedding's on a sunday that's a great song to play you are correct but the one that's not it's uh before he cheats yeah yeah yeah oh it's a wedding day before you chees it was on the list for sure um and then uh i mean his pretty little souped-up

four-wheel drive is he's about to be toast yeah um the seat and then i'm gonna say the other one of my first two picks sometimes this could be true and I'm not saying that she is but the gold digger

oh it's on the list I'm not saying she's the goal of the list but you know yeah she might be no not a great wedding song yeah Mike you are back hold on hold on so Jeremy

you're saying in your even researching the meatloaf song and refers to a different broken promise in each chorus according to the lyrics some of the quote

that's the singer explicitly states he won't do for love include giving you up letting you down oh you just Rick rolled me no never gonna give you that is Rick rolling

that Jeremy I think Jeremy got you got Rick rolled maybe I got Rickroll you never going to give you up let you down run around or desert you that is in fact

call a Rickroll why would AI I just wait wait wait wait wait that's crazy it just took AI answered

your question with a rick roll yeah I just placed to the screenshot it's Google AI overview oh my gosh

that is the line but I won't do that in the meatloaf song and then it says he describes the things he won't give you up let you down

run around and desert you oh my gosh you got rickrolled by AI I've never been more proud of AI in my life. But the thing is, is I think AI has been Rickrolled because there's so much knowledge base of Rick rolling.

That is incredible. Mike reading it. I was just trying to get an answer in Slack as soon as I could, so I just copied and pasted. That is so funny. Oh, my good. I love that you're reading it and tracking it through. You're like, a promise this he won't break.

Won't give you up, let you down. And then your heart fell because you're like, oh, shoot, I just got God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, no, I've heard this before. Never go to do, do, do, do, do, do you. Okay. Okay, trying to get back on track. Did you put, did you put Jason's picks in?

the dock. What did Jason pick? Gold digger by Kanye West. Yeah, yeah. And before he cheats by Kerry Underwood, in reverse order. All right. Okay. Mike, you have, I won't do anything, or I would do anything for love, but I won't do that by me or love. Which I may or may not be good. Who knows

at this point? I'm going to go with a I'm going to go with an absolute banger by Bon Jovi. Oh, no, that was, I just highlighted this. What one is it? You give love a bad name. Oh, okay.

You shot to the heart. Delightful. Delightful. And what's the next line? You're, you're to blame? I always thought it was you're too late.

I was going to say, in my head I wanted to say you're too lame, but that sounds dumb. It's got to be you're to blame. So, okay, you give love a bad name. Not a great wedding song. Yeah, yeah, there we go.

According to the same thing that Rick rolled me. That it's not true for sure. Um, okay. I'm having a hard time deciding which one of choose. Yeah, there's a lot of good ones. I have taps, so I'm feeling good about tabs. I'm going to go, Big Girls Don't Cry by the Four Seasons.

Oh. Big girls don't cry. I just think it might infer some things that are not great. And I'm going to go with Zeta. I think Fergie did it later, but it was like four seasons, the OG one. The one that you sing. But that's Frankie Valley. Valley. Is that the guy who's walking around

like a wax, uh, a wax, uh, a wax museum? Yes. He's still singing, like he, his hinge you could, or his, his, his jaw when it opens, goes, it's like a, uh, a real. And he's still out there lip syncing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then my, so I'm going to go with that. And then my second one is I, I, I still haven't found what I'm looking for by YouTube. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that that, I think that, that's a good one. You just can't play that out of wedding. All right. Uh, uh, Oh, gosh. There's, there, this is a great draft because there are, are so many.

And I just, I don't want to, I don't think Jason will take it, but I don't want to miss out on this one because it is perfection for the idea of a wedding and henceforth a wedding night. It is a MC Hammer's classic. You can't touch this. Okay. All right. Can't touch this.

Jason has gold digger and before he cheats two final picks to ruin a wedding two final picks that shouldn't be at a wedding uh Jeremy you wrote can't touch this there's in fact the letter you space can't touch this thank you

corrected um all right I'm I'm taking a page out of andies here um the the taps led me to think not just of titles but of like what you don't want to hear, and I'm taking the Imperial March. That is...

Oh my gosh, that's such a good pick. From Star Wars. Yeah, the Darth Vader. Dun, dun, dun, dun, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah, that's... Try to dance to that song, by the way. Maybe, maybe. I feel like walking down the aisle after they're like, I announce you, husband,

wife, whatever. Like, if you're walking down, that's a pretty power move. It's a power move if you're a nerd. You're the empire. Mm, you don't want to be the emperor. All right. All right. I like, I think it's a... That dude almost took over the galaxy, which was very far, far away.

It could be funny walking down the aisle if you had a Star Wars themed wedding. Yeah. But for a first dance song? Yeah. I don't think it's going to play as hot as you think. Josh says, Josh says, not my words, Josh, the Empire just wanted peace for the galaxy. That's right. That's right. Can't we all just get along? I'm going to go with everybody hurts. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. sometimes

all right that's that's a good one Mike you have one left oh goodness gracious I got one left there's one I feel like it's not popular enough for people to really know the reference

then don't do it I'm not gonna I'll talk about it at the end um hmm all right we're going to go So we're going to go with Europe. We're going to go with the final countdown. It's a good song.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I didn't know what you meant at first. Now you do. That seems like a fun wedding song. Yeah, it's a countdown of the way. The meaning, I get it.

I get what you're saying. I'm just going with the title alone. Sure. I'll close it out with Beauty and the Beast. But that's a love song. Yeah, but it implies one of them is a beast. Yeah. You don't want to be the beast?

I want to be the beast. I want to be the beast. You guys would embrace the beast? Oh, yeah. I would rock that song. Oh, wait, no, not Eric. What's, what's, uh, yeah, but you're the beast. Eric is the little mermaid.

What's the, what's the beast name is? This is a, in particular. No, what's the beast? Who's the beast? Once he's the prince. I don't know the, his name's beast. It's guest on. In particular, if one of the two getting married is definitely.

marrying up. I think this song is... Well, yeah, because we all did, hopefully. Yeah, yeah. So there you go. Prince Adam? Yeah, you could have said 100 names. He says the name was never mentioned in the original film, but it has been revealed.

The AI, that's Google AIs. Prince Rick. He said never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. His name is never mentioned. Well, now you know, he's just beast. Honorable mentions, I went, I don't know if this is a song so I didn't go with it, but I think Fifi Fum.

Yeah, that's really just saying by a giant. Goodbye, My Lover, by James Blunt. Yeah, sure. Who let the dogs out? Okay, okay. Loser by Beck. If I could turn back time by Cher. You're welcome to my time.

Yeah, I think those are the. I've got a thank you next. Oh, okay. Sorry, Ariana Grande. The one I was mentioning earlier. was the I hate everything about you by what is something three days grace I don't know

it's a good song I hate everything about you yeah bad and then the it wasn't me oh okay by Shaggy yeah if you're familiar with the content yeah it wasn't me yeah I had love the way you lie Eminem and Rihanna I had

that would be so bad that song is not good for a wedding the breakup song what who's that that's Greg Kinn band and Heartless from Kanye West. Can you sing that song for me? No. That's why I didn't draft it. And then there's Forget You by Sealow Green. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you know, you know. What did we learn today? Jason loves orange juice. That's what I learned. Apparently. I learned that Mike is very hurt by not being face-timed. Yeah, there's going to be held to me.

Yeah. I mean, I learned that Brian's not my co-manager in any leaks anymore. Yeah, yeah. Make sure if you are FaceTime or you face-time everybody equally or you could cause a problem. Just your friends. Just your friends. Just your actual real-life friends. Well, maybe he did.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.