Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Flying Penguins & Things To Do When That Midlife Crisis Hits - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 14, 2026

Spit Hit for May 14th, 2026:  On today’s raucous episode we try to figure out how to ride dolphins, marvel at the wonders of the underwater flying penguin, play a brand new round of Guess Guess Goose and wrap things up with Things To Do When that Midlife Crisis Hits. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A squeed happy, bop, be bro, I'm satchful. Oh, the sign of any good impression is identifying yourself at the end. It's me, satchful. You get halfway through it. You get halfway through it. And it was going great. And then you're like, I better make sure they know who this is.

Tomahawk dunk at the end. Yeah. I'm Satchamow. So, you know, I figured I don't have to do the SCAT ever again if I'm not the one that does it. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Your channel. That SCADA was brought to you by Satchmo.

Okay. Who knows Scooby-Doo might be the next one. I don't know. I bet next week it's Satchmo. Yeah, I got a list of about one. It's his thing. Welcome into the spitballers. Episode 298.

Would you rather on today's show? Guess, guest goose where someone not yours truly has to wear the goose. Honk. And then not that we would be familiar with any of the possible answers. A lot of research necessary for this draft today. But we're going to draft things to do when you're, your midlife crisis hits. Yeah, after we established what we were going to be.

After we established what we were going to be drafting, I bought some books. Right. Talk to, called up some old people. No. You definitely didn't just like go in your browser history for the last two years. Yeah, not me. What midlife crisis? So that's what we're drafting.

That should be entertaining. I'm looking forward to it. You can find us on X at Spitballers Pod. You can leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify. We appreciate it. Actually, the best way you can help the show, leave us that review. Make sure you're following the episodes and tell your family and friends about the podcast. I find that humor is more fun shared.

Find your sickest friends and then prescribe them. I see. Because of the medicine. Yeah, yeah. It's the best. Yeah. That's what they say. All right.

Moving on. you rather? Question from the website. Uriah writes in, would you rather have no sense of time or no sense of direction? So help me take those to the extreme because I mean,

we all know a moment in your day-to-day life where maybe you lose track of time and you all know a moment where you get lost, but take them to their int degree here because... Yeah, I mean, I feel like we've got to deal with the elephant in the room here. which is navigation. Right?

Like, sure. Yeah, that is what popped into my head. Most of the people that I know, and this blows my, this shocks me. Because I know this does not apply to you two gentlemen. And I feel like it should apply to absolutely no adult in the world. But when I have polled people around me, their sense of which direction is north or south or east or west, they have no idea. And I'm like, how are you a grown up? How do you not know which direction you're going right now?

First of all, just by, I don't know, living enough years to know, oh, yeah, when I go that way, I'm going east or west. But also, you can look at the sun. Like, you don't even have to, I can go to Nebraska. Don't stare at the sun, kids. No, no, no, don't stare at the sun. But if I go. It tells you. It just tells you which direction you're heading.

But all of them are fine because of navigation. Because getting somewhere, finding their way to somewhere has nothing to do with sense of direction. and you don't need it anymore. Do you, if you didn't have a sense of direction, are you getting lost in your own house here? Are you like, when you get to the office, you do get turned around in your own house? I mean, you might be okay for the most part in your house,

but if you're, you know, just a larger place, like you go to a museum, you go to the state fair. You're not going to be able to find anything repeatedly. Walmart Costco. Well, yeah, there you go. Oh, a theme park becomes an impossibility. I mean, you are. You better be handcuffed to your kids.

You know what I mean? Because you won't find your way back to them. Yeah, that would be a nightmare. And then no sense of time. I mean, I don't want to get too deep here. But like, if you have no idea about the passage of time, does anything exist at all? Or do you, or? I was just like, you're going to be late for stuff.

Alternatively, do you just stay young? I guess it doesn't mean you have amnesia. Well, I'm just saying it. This just means you don't know how much time is. You know, we're talking about midlife crisis here. If you have no concept of time. Yeah, you're not old. You're not young.

You feel 10 years old. You just are, baby. You still know that at nighttime you're going to go to sleep and you'll wake up, be like, I don't know how long I slept. This is a difficult question to answer. Yeah, I mean, the truth is in context to this question, it just means like you are an idiot with directions or an idiot with time. You're always running late.

Okay. You're always behind the eight ball. Or you're always getting lost. Yeah, you're always, yeah, you're either getting lost, need to constantly ask for directions, or you're setting like a million timers for yourself and trying to remember what they all mean. If you get lost, you're also going to be late. I was going to say, one of these is both of these. One of these is always both of these.

Yeah, so I got to go with the no sense of time. Hmm. Yeah. You'll be late, but you drove straight there. I did. Which is more embarrassing? Like, well. I think it's more embarrassing to drive straight there and be late.

Because if you think about it this way. Because then you really did. If you show up somewhere late, what do you do? You make an excuse. Oh, yeah, I took the wrong turn. You give the reason why you're late. You don't say, oh, man, I came straight here. Sorry, I'm late.

It's like, oh, my bad. I didn't care enough to leave on time. So that's why I'm late, which is probably the truth half the time. Man. Yeah, I guess I'll. just go, I'd rather have no sense of time. That might let me enjoy things. I'm an impatient person. That might let me

like enjoy things more often because I'm just in the moment. I think there is a freedom to not having time ruling your life. So I will take that as well. The freedom to being late. I think it's more embarrassing to not be able to do directions though. Okay. So as a man.

I'm a man. I know where north is. You don't need to stop and ask for directions. Skip. From Patreon, would you rather always have to refer to your mother-in-law? Oh, gosh. Oh, dear goodness. Would you always have to refer to your mother-in-law as babe? Oh, what?

Or your father-in-law is tubby. Wow. Uh, tubby. Yeah, that was quick. That was easy. Yeah, man. I've done the babe thing with friends like once or twice. I've done the babe thing with my own mother once.

time. Because I'm so used to calling my wife. That's what I call my wife. I call my wife, babe. I say, hey, babe, come here. And I've had a couple of times. You know, you do that for so many years. And then you suddenly you're running an errand with your mother. And it's like, babe, come over here.

Oh, gosh. Yep. Well, I'll see you never again. Yeah. It's like, this is where I say goodbye. Doesn't it become normalized if that's always like, hey, babe, babe. You know what I mean? I'm showing up and my mother's like, hey, babe, baby, looking good.

No. It's a compliment versus, hey, Toby. You're looking bad, gramps. Don't you go lose some weight, tubs. Well, you're not doing that. You're just always going to tubby. It's insinuated. Yeah.

One of these is. But you don't have to elaborate on it. Tubby is not. I guess there's tubby Tuberville, right? I'm trying to think if there's ever a name of somebody where it's like tubby is a good. Well, tubby was the name of the character that I would always draw growing up. Tubby? Yeah.

Oh, that's what most people were thinking. Not babe. No, it's tubby. Tubby means you're fat. I mean, let's just pull the Band-Aid off. It is a negative. If someone calls you Tubby, y'all know. You like them snacks.

Snack count at 100. Tubby, oh man, I, if your father-in-law is not good-spirited, you're about to get your butt kicked over and over again. Possibly. As long as they got that old band strength. Yeah, there's a chance you run into the wrong father-in-law. where to Jason's point, if you call your mother-in-law babe in a funny way, it's also awful. I don't want to do either of these.

Yeah. Well, the father-in-law could get upset at that. Oh, yeah. The father-in-law's going to be. Who are you calling him, babe? So it's a little off topic, but I just was reminded of it. It's about this character I draw. No, no, no, no.

It's about old man's strength. And, like, the idea of that guys as they get older, like, there's just this weird, they get strong. and then I thought, well, you know, why is that? Because it's obviously the opposite of what you think of. You get older, you actually get weaker. And, well, back in the day, you would have guys doing intensive labor jobs. Yes, yes. In the coal mines, carpenter, building, concrete, whatever.

Yeah, construction. For 40 years. And then pushups. Yeah. And it's like, oh. Podcasting. Yeah. No, that's exactly where I went of like, wait.

I'm not. You're not going to get old man strength, am I? No, you, old man's strength. You already have it. There's a way to tell if somebody has it. Look at the hands and look at their working man hands. No, no, this is a real thing. Yes, that is it.

I don't think, I don't think we're getting old man's strength. You have to be grizzled. I'm telling you, you already have old man strength. I'm telling you if you go up against. Well, that's another problem for the draft. If you go up against a 20-year-old and you just want to push each other. Okay. He's not moving you.

Okay. You're moving him. All man strength comes with a little bit of, that's not for all of us tubby but you're just calling me that drawing Mike used to do is that way yeah I mean I mean I mean yeah I get it I mean it was a reflection at least how I think of it

it was like the mechanic did mechanic stuff I don't know 40 years and now they're just I don't think I'm getting it you're saying I don't think I'm getting old mainstream you're not gonna no hmm so you're in that your son-in-law can call you tubby well it would be at this point. Will the next generation refer to old man strength

as like a weakness? Like, oh, you don't want old man strength. They have done. They're weak podcasting arms. Can't lift my baby. Yeah, yeah. I'm worried about it. I'm going to call the father-in-law tubby

and hope he's a podcaster. I'm going to call the mother-in-law babe and have fun with it. I think I can make it into a nice term of endearment that isn't. Until she falls for you. creepy well i mean that had to have happened the day she met me would okay go to the side of the spouse would your wife rather hear you call her mother babe right or your

or her dad to i'm pretty confident she'd rather me call her mother one is one is directly mean and denigrating and the other can be spun in a humorous way and let's be honest we are now past our own midlife crisis age, I hope, I pray. And so that means our, you're right in the middle of the day. Our in-laws, please tell me I'm past it. Our in-laws are, you know, I don't think this is, you know, when you call them babe, I don't think there's mixed signals here. You know, they're an age where it's just nice.

It's just a kind of. You might have to explain yourself in a few public settings. Maybe. She's my mother-in-law. That doesn't make it better. No, what is your final answer? But she's a babe. Tubby.

Okay, me too. Two tubbies and a babe. Two tubbies and a babe. All right. Cody from Patreon, would you rather wake up tomorrow and have your kids be infants again? Oh, no.

Or have your kids be 20 years older. Oh, man, you're going to get me here. Oh, what, sentimental man? Yeah. 20 years older, easy. Easy. He's like, I can't wait. If I can push a button now to skip 20 years.

You don't want to go back? No. No. I do remember, man. This is why people have more than one kid. Is they romantic sex? Because they make mistakes. This is really tough because.

No, it's so easy, man. This is tough for Andy and I. This is one of those like, there is something really great about. I mean, obviously, going back to infants, I don't want an infant. I love a baby. I don't want to have to change diapers anymore or whatever. But if you're telling me I got to relive and re-experience the three-year-old, the four-year-old, the six-year-old, those ages are so magical. The problem is I don't get to go back in age in this.

Now I'm older and have to deal with. Your kid has the old dad. Right. We all knew someone who had the old dad and it was weird. If my son became 20 years older today, he'd be five years younger than me. Maybe you could do things together. Yeah. Take naps in the afternoon.

Sounds like I got a best friend. That, I mean, I'm just, I'm teasing it out because that is enticing to like. But aren't you also, I mean, you are factually taking 20 years of your children's life away. Yeah. They don't get to live to 120 now. you're just subtracting two decades of their experience. Well, let's just hypothetically then. It would detract three decades in my life.

You're in a coma. They live a nice 20 years and then you come out of it. And they've, so for your intents and purposes, they got to enjoy their life. That would be better because, I mean, this is basically saying you, I don't get grandchildren if I pick that one. Right. Whereas if you're in a coma. Right. They're going to have to find love it, you know, in their.

Right. Yeah. You know. I'm not saying it's impossible to get grandchildren. grandchildren. I'm saying there's a good chance not going to work out. You'll see you. 20 years, I mean, you're probably okay.

Yeah, I think it can't be fine. I mean, it just depends on how they've aged, you know. I think even at regular child bearing age, like, age, the average age that Americans are having kids, I think you still be. One more caveat before I make you pick your final answer, which is. I already picked, bro. He's like, there's nothing that could change me here. If they go back to being infants again.

you do get to redo all this stuff you screwed up as a parent. I didn't screw anything up. All right. Last caveat here before we pick. We're going to change this to would you rather have your kids wake up tomorrow like they are or have your kids be 20 years older.

Mike, go. Let's see. They're like they are right now? Yeah, like nothing changes or you can skip 20 years. Like basically do you want to be in a coma? Like, because we can do this for you. so and we're this is like the assumption that they're 20 years older so they have they have self-reliance oh absolutely they've they've moved they've moved out i get my house you get your

house wait what's the downside uh all right back to the original question i'm taking it i'm taking the infants i'm doing it too i'm gonna go i'm reliving it oh weirdo old dads enjoy it enjoy all the new mistakes you get to make all right al how are you to do doing great what what's your answer for that one i'm going to have to go back to infant state yeah yeah he's sentimental like me um we have time for another would you rather i just have one mike so it's a little it's a little less task yeah yeah your your your single child will have his own issues yeah you you you took a lazy way out man yeah this is a you know papa josh do i at least have someone who's who's willing to to admit it my kids are getting older man i'm kind of missing i'm kind of

in the younger days. Oh, man. You guys just don't remember. Here's the problem. I'm the only one in this room who actually has a good memory. I remember all of it. It's terrible. There's some good stuff.

So much terrible. Oh, my gosh. All right. So you're saying we're just having nostalgic viewpoints. We only remember the good. You know, you can't go back home. You know that phrase? That's what they're talking about.

And then we got the Falcon inducers alley where if he skipped 20 years, he'd just have eight-year-olds. So cool, man. All right. Are we, we got time for one more? Are we moving on? Yeah, let's do one more. All right. Dahlia from the website, would you rather have to try and saddle and ride a dolphin or saddle and ride a bull?

Ooh. This is like, do I have to find the dolphin or is it brought to me? You've got to be in a tank. Yeah, it's in a tank. I'm in a tank. I just got to get a hold of it. Yeah, you're not finding a bull out in the wild either. You're in a rodeo pin.

Well, I'm thinking, like, the one thing I know about dolphins from my vast research, like if I have a bucket of fish, they're going to come hang out with me. But I don't know how I get a bull to hang out with me. Like a bucket of, what does a bull eat? Grass, I mean, I just don't feel like you see bulls coming over to you because you hold out some grass. And my number one priority here is how do I get on this thing? If we really have to be the one to saddle them, there's, I mean, well, we're not going to do either. But I would not have the courage to even attempt a bull.

Like, Dolphin, I can be convinced that I can befriend this and over enough time. Yeah, intelligence. Yeah, there's intelligence. They'll know I'm a friend. We will become besties. And then maybe someday they will let me harness its swimming power. But a bull, I won't walk near it. I won't be its friend because I am afraid of being its skewer.

By being gore. Yes. Yeah, only one animal can gore you in this example. But a dolphin, what if a dolphin's like sweet? You ready to go 50 feet under the water? That's true. But the thing, I'm not like strapped into the saddle. Am I like walks in?

You've got your feet things in. I got a seat belt. You got the feet in. Stirrups? Yeah, you're in the stirrups. Okay. But I can take my feet out of those. You could get out, but you'll have you 50 feet down by the time you get them off.

Now, let me ask you question because Papa Josh trained dolphins. This is not a lie. He is really old. He's lived 5, 6, 7 midlife crisis. Now, Papa Josh, have you ever saddled or seen a dolphin saddled? No. Okay. I have ridden a dolphin, though.

Just bear back. Do you just hold on to the fin? Yep. How fast do they go? I love that he started nodding as well. Again, this is an audio podcast. You've got to use your words. So that would be a yes on the fin.

How did it go? Very cool and fast. Did it ever try to submerge? Yeah. I've been under, I've like been pushed underwater by them too. Superman style. Neat.

Oh, like where you put your feet on there, on their flying through the water. No one's friends with a bull. Yeah, but how cool would you be? If like your horse was a bull? You imagine. Tell it to Paul Bunyan. A Western where three dudes roll up on their horses and one do's rolling up on their bull?

Dude, that would be a mate. You know who to be scared of. Oh, for sure. That's tubby over there. Well, that's the king. I mean, if you go back in time, you redo any old Western, any great old Western, like the three amigos. And one of them has a bull, that's the king. Real, real talk.

Real question. Okay. Why can't we tame all of them? Why are some animals untameable? Like a zebra. Like a zebra. is a horse, but you can't tame a zebra. Can you not? No, zebras can't be tame.

Or like, why can't we like, you know, ride a lion, you know? Or a wolf. Why can't we ride a big wolf? Well, we turned them into dogs. Hmm. We can't, you can tame a zebra. I don't think you can tame a zebra. This comes from the back of my noggin, and I'm pretty sure it's right. Because I've, you just.

Where have you heard this? Here's their results. Zebras can be trained and hybridized. No, they can't. But they have never been domesticated. Yeah, they're not domesticated animals. Unpredictable, aggressive, and strong territorial streaks, making them difficult to train and difficult to saddle.

Yeah, I mean, it's a somewhat known thing. No, you're right. It is not. Yeah, it is. I've never heard this in my life. Listen, we, as human beings, we saddle and ride everything we can. We've already accomplished the saddle and ride of all things we've tried. Camels check, elephants check, horses check, zebras didn't work. Yeah.

It did not work. Yeah, I mean, I think a few people might have got it done. Yeah, but I mean, you don't have zebra rides at the zoo. No. And you never will, Mike. Yeah, that's right. They're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're so upset about these stripes. They are, they feel like they're in prison.

Then why am I watching a video of people racing on zebras right now? Because AI can do any. This is not AI. There's outliers. Now, listen, if I was a zebra and I was trying to hide in the book, and I look like a referee from a football game, I'd be pretty pissed too. All right.

When I say, do people ride zebras? While some people have ridden zebras in the past, zebras are not typically ridden because they are not domesticated and have not evolved to support the weight of a human rider. Yeah. I am watching a bunch of people on zebras at Churchill Downs flying down the back. Oh,

and one guy gets tossed. Yeah, because that's the point. This is going horribly. They're all tossed from these zebras. This is what we do as people. I'm not saying you. can't do stupid things.

You can try to saddle a dolphin. A hippo or a rhino. Yeah, go for it, man. See how that hippo's going to love you. Yeah, yeah. Just because we can't doesn't mean we should. What animal that is not currently saddled would you wish to ride the most? I mean, the rhino is right there.

Dude, with the horn? Yeah. See, I'm going to your, I'm going to your lion. I'm going to the king of the jungle. I mean, because I can jump. Your rhino's not jumping. Yeah, the lion would be cool. I'm not going to argue.

I think the problem with the lion is just the way that it runs. I don't know that it's going to work out for you. If you're on the lion and I'm on the rhino and we're doing like old school, you know, we're going to run at each other with and battle. I'm going to win. Yeah, I believe that. I believe that. You'll be skewered.

Hope Mike chooses some kind of bird. Zebra. If there was a bird that you could actually ride on. They ride ostrichies, don't they? They can't fly? We didn't say anything about flying. Is that a bird with an asterisk? Is that what an ostrich is?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a bird wink. You know, how did, yeah, why do we have, like an ostrichs and an emu and they can't fly? That would be terrible when you go to the bird meetings? It would suck if you were them and you show up and you're like, my wings are bigger than all yours combined and I can't get off the ground. You're like, I run really fast. Like, that's cool. See you.

That's why they stick their heads straight in the ground, man. Which they don't do. I can't see you flying. Also, that's right. I think a pre- Watch this. A prerequisite for being a bird should be flight. If you can't fly, you shouldn't be allowed to be in the bird club.

And I just Google can. Oh, no, they can. You had to Google that? They can if you have the stupidest answer of all time, which is penguins can't fly through the air, but they can fly under water. No, they can't. That's not flying. That's not swimming. We got a word for that.

We got a word for that, Google AI. It's called swimming. They can swim fast. That doesn't make. Michael Phelps can't fly. Well, Michael, he can't fly through the air, but he can fly in the water. Oh, man. I got a submarine.

It's a flying submarine. Exactly. Oh, man, the birds of prey, those great whites. All right. We'll take a break. We'll come back with some guest guest goose. What time is it? Game time.

I think that's the first time I've watched that drop on video. How'd it look? Ever. It looked great. What do you think? I still haven't watched it. Gas, gas, goose time. Now, Mike, it is finally. Yeah, no, I got it. I mean, I've been down this road, brother. How does it work?

Well, you just put it on your head. You wear it like a hat and you strap it under your chin. And you look like a goose. Yeah, it's great. It's really great. Is this going to fit on my gigantic head? I don't know if you can strap it in. Those goose legs look like they are about to break. Take it to the limit.

You might need to leave those dangling. Oh, that's real scratchy. Yeah, you can let them dangle. I don't know if it'll stay on. I won't stay on. Okay, we're good. All right. So, Mike, for those listening at home, looks ridiculous.

It's got a goose on his head. Or reduculus. No, it's a goose. All right, Al, explain how this game works. Recocious. We are doing guest-guess goose. Yes, sir. We pulled a bunch of people.

and we got the correct answer if you. I didn't know where I was going to have to talk today. Do you try again? Yeah, sure. Why not? You're going to be trying to guess the percentage of people that said, nope, I don't want to try again. I got you.

Oh, this is great. No, no, no. The best part is there's no editing allowed. There is no editing allowed. We love you. All right. Let's go to the Ducers cam here. Okay.

And let's third time to try. How does this game? We're just going to go straight to the scoring. Three points if you guessed the correct answer. Two points if you are within 5% in each direction. And one point to the other people who are guessing higher or lower than what the guests are guessed. The Ducers cam is so great right now because you have two people that are so happy. It's unbelievable.

I've never seen these two producers look so happy. Honestly, I think it's five of the six in the room that are pretty happy right now. Oh, I'm good. All right. So to clarify. You pulled some people. And people said what they believe. the average number of whatever this question is going to be is.

We found out what the average is. We're going to guess what that average is, one of us, and then the other people are going to have to guess higher or lower. It's best to just let us play. Let's play, man. And follow along. That's literally exactly what I said. All right.

Am I reading this? Yes, sir. Okay. And this is for me to guess, and you guys can decide higher or lower based on my guess. Oh, this is a great question. Jason and Mike will be guessing higher or lower. Andy will be guessing a percentage.

How, where? Here it goes. What percentage of people prefer to use the big spoon instead of the small spoon while eating breakfast cereal? We've been here before. I mean, what percentage of people are stupid? So this has been a famous discussion point on the show where some of us are more evolved. And then there's these two. Your team small spoon too?

Yes. Yeah, good man. My gosh. Because I'm not a Neanderthal, the vitriol that has hit social media. What percentage of people use the big spoon instead of the small spoon? all when eating breakfast cereal, I'm going to say that number is 65% use the big spoon. Oh, that's a good. That's a good answer. 65%. Because I think we did find out that more people use the big space. And just to clarify the rules, if I get within five percent in either direction.

In either direction, I get two points. Two points. And if, and then they get one point, if they guess higher or lower. Yep. And if you nail it right on the head, you get three points. Okay. Has that ever happened? Yeah. You did one time. Oh, man. Good job. So, you. So, you. Big spoon, you're set in the line at 65%. I think 65% of people use the big spoon and then the other 35 are you guys. All right. I got mine locked in, Mike. The problem is I have my morals and my principles.

Versus the truth. Versus what the truth might be. I'm going to go, I'm going to go higher. And I will take lower. I trust the people. The correct answer is 47%. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Okay. Team Little Spoon. Yeah, that means the majority of people are using the little spoon. They're using the correct spoon. We're just using the spoon. Stop calling it the little spoon. There is some variability between what the big spoon is in the set and the small spoon is in the set. That's like five guys calling it a little cheeseburger.

It's just, man, dude, that's a full-sized cheeseburger. You calling it a little cheese. It's just a spoon. Yeah, exactly. I don't have a little spoon. I have a spoon and I have a big spoon. Yeah, a little spoon is like a teaspoon. I don't use that.

I hate you all. All right, Mike, you're up. Okay. I'm up with... Jason got one point there. Nothing for Andy and Mike. All right. My question is, what percentage of people have used sporks more than 10 times in their lives?

10 times? That's a lot of, a lot of sporking. We're a spork house. We have sports. Sports are great. They come in handy when you're like having a birthday party and you run out of the regular utensils. All right. I know the number.

I just need to know how old these people are. You think sporks? We're like popular in older generations. No, they feel like kid things. No, I'm just saying like the older you are, the more likely it is that you've used a spork 10 times. I mean, I guess that's fair. Now, Mike, you need to make the selection. Yep.

I'm going to set my percentage at. Dude, I have no idea. This was tough. I'm not jealous. I wrote down my percentage number. 50%. Oh, dang. Sabotage.

Okay. I got my answer locked. All right, I do too. I wrote 55% so I guess I'll take the over. I'll take the lower. The correct answer is 67%. Whoa. People be sporking.

People be sporking. Yeah. All right. Do we ever move away from utensil-related things because it's not working for me? Well, we'll move away right now. All right. Here's the next question. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends' social media posts?

How many? So, oh, yeah. What percentage of people are telling the truth? That's what this question is. What percentage of people admit feeling obligated to like friends' social media posts? Okay. I'm going to go with 75%. Oh, that's a good guess.

I've got mine figured out. That's a good guess. You're at 75%. All right. Andy, you can answer? You just, you're higher or lower. I am higher. I am higher, too.

Okay. All right. The correct answer is 62%. Gosh darn it! I am wearing the goose, man. You guys are tied. Oh, wait, you have no points? Nobody got any points on that round.

All right. All right. So currently we have Jason with two and you guys with nothing. I'm shocked at a number's game. Yeah, it's still way too close. All right. I thought it's funny because I went 75% to kind of play the range, but I was going to be in the 80s.

Yeah. My number was 80. That means a lot of people were lying. Yeah. All right. What percentage of people have had their shoes shined at an airport? Oh, man. How many people are 60 and old?

Yeah. Old timing. Shoes shine at an airport. What percentage? Oh, boy. I can't believe those things are still there. All right. And I have to give the percentage, right?

Yes, you do. I love a good chance. 20%. Oh, okay. 20. Wait, this is only, I have my answer locked in. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Point of clarity.

Sure. I mean, I feel like it's men who get their shoe shine. It's people. Are they all being pinged? Like, do I need to cut this in half? I don't know. I don't know that he has the answer to that question. Yeah.

The percentage is over both genders. Can I change or am I locked? I'm fine with you changing. 15. 15%. 15%. Okay. So I will then go higher.

I will go lower. The correct answer is 5. 5%. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Why do they have them? Why are they there? Because it costs money to get rid of them. It's like they built them a long time ago when they were used and it's like, we're not doing construction around here yet. Actually, to be honest, I don't. I don't remember seeing them. You said you were part of the 5%? No, no, I've never. I was trying to get you to go higher so that you've never. You've had to have had. I've had my shoes shine, but not in an airport. That was so specific. Oh, at an airport. I really took that as ever. Oh, no. I would have been part of the 8%. The amount of shoe shine stations that I've seen at an airport. They bought them in bulk. They bought them a long time ago.

Yeah, someone out there's unloading shoe shine stations on people. I just love how grandiose. People love these things. They're just so big. They're like the closest thing to a throne we have anymore. It is awesome. It is a really cool experience. And it cleans your shoes.

But here's the reason. And here's the sole reason why it's not common anymore. We're not wearing shiny shoes, man. You can't just shine my shoes. Like, I know, none of us in here have shoes that could go be polished right now. What's funny is if the shoe shine thing actually just offered to like clean my white Nike's? They needed to pivot. I'd be like kind of like, are cool?

Like the guys in the mall? Did they do that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's little places to do that. But if the shoe shine people, if the union, if they have such a thing, ever pivoted. The union's dying off. We gotta stop shining and just start cleaning. It would be different.

It would be different. Mike, you're telling me you wouldn't, oh, you got an hour to kill at the airport, hop up there and have some. I might. I might. Have your Nike's looking fresh? Yeah, I might do it. All right. Europe.

Oh, I am. Okay. What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during road trips? Say it one more time. I'm sorry. What percentage of people have urinated in bottles to avoid stopping during. during road trips. Yeah, well, I'm one of them.

I am going to go, I'm going to go 30%. Okay, I have my answer locked in. Yeah, I might get a point here. Yeah, we both are. That's way too high. I'm thinking it's like a 3% number. Oh, really? The correct answer is 29%.

Oh! What? Mike was 1% off. You're telling me. I think I get a bonus point for the disgrace that I just faced. How in the world, which, by the way, P-N-in bottles is also...

Yeah, this is both genders. Somehow both genders. How are you telling me that that number is 29%? Because it's not just the driver. It's not the driver. I've been in... No, I know it's not the driver, but our point is like, look, I've got a family.

I've got two girls, three boys in the family. The boys in my family have peed in bottles before. I've never experienced the other. And maybe that's common, but I feel like that cuts 50% out. So now you're actually, if that's true and 50% cuts out, that means the majority of all people have peed in the bottom. Yeah, this is wild, man.

That's a wild one. Now, I still get a point, though, right? No. Oh, yeah, we both do. We were lower. Oh, that's bullcrap. But it's over. I'm goose.

That's bull crap. Oh, you guys are tied. No, Mike just got three. Well, how did he get three? Wait, how did he get 30? No, he said 20. He said, he should have gotten two. Yeah.

Okay. I should have got three. Was that you, Falcon? No? No, it was Papa Justin. All right, I need a chance to... Josh, change it to a three. If you tie, we rule this, right?

Yeah, there's... You keep it. No, no, no. You go to overtime. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. Jason is the final question here. I got to...

All right. What percentage of people when brushing your teeth keep the faucet running continuously until they are done? You tell Mike's disgusted by these people. Monsters. I used to be one of these people. Yeah. But then you learned.

Yeah, I mean, it just, there's no point. Why? Why? There's no point. There's only one reason. What's the reason? If you want to get the water hot for washing your face afterward. I can accept that because you're warming up the water. Yeah, there's a good point. You're not just wasting water. My master water, it takes a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can get that. Okay, what percentage of people when brushing their teeth keep the faucet running continuously? I'm going to go with 30. percent. Okay. I'm going to write mine down just to make sure there's integrity for the show.

I have to do the opposite of mics. Can that be my official answer? No, it can't because you have to guess first. That's why I wrote mine down. For the integrity of the show. No, this is for Mike to have a chance to not go to overtime. I wrote it too. All right.

I hope I guessed the opposite. 30. Lower. I went lower. Oh, I'm done. I'm toast. I'm toast. Oh, that goose.

Wait, what was the actual answer? The correct answer is 33%. I don't care. All right. So I got you had two points. I got more points. I crushed. Big time. Look at this guy.

Yeah. You don't have to wear it now. Okay. So I'm the goose again. Jason's never been the goose. No. Three times, right? Love this game.

Yeah, you've been nailing it. Although the peeing on the bottle, that's, that's blowing my mind. All right. It's right where I thought it would be. I just, that's shocking. I did, let's just take a straw pole in this room all quick. Dducers raise your hand if you've peed in a bottle on the car. Well, yeah.

Let's take another poll. Raise your hand. Oh, I was five. So. Yeah. I mean, we're, we all have the ability much easier here. Yeah. So, I mean, by your math, if you're saying like, okay, it's about 50-50 men and women in this world and every man in this room just said we've done it.

Yeah, no, he's right. So that's just 60%. 60% of men means 30%. Is that right? Assuming a 50-50 split of gender. I think the math works out there. So if 60% of men, then that should be 30%. I think that's right.

I think my math is right. Sure. Whatever. Let's take a break. and we'll be back with the draft. The Spitballers draft. Well, we'll take our best shot at figuring out things to do when a midlife crisis hits. This is going to be tough to figure out.

Yeah, a lot of creativity needed here. Jason, I mean, coincidentally, has the first pick in this draft, things to do. I think there's a... And you were the first one to really... To arrive, yeah, to reach that point. To reach that breaking point. Yeah, I mean, there's a, I feel like while there is no clear, perfect 101, there's a classic answer to this, like the marker of the midlife crisis. Unfortunately, you are correct.

He's going out there and buying a sports car or whatever obnoxious vehicle. Yes, that's how I wrote it is buy a sports car. Yeah, I had it written differently. And then it's like, no, it's always, it's always referred to as a sports car. We joke a lot that it's a meata, but that's, that is the joke I make. all the time. It's always a Mazda Miata. Exactly. The convertible is the more, it's got to be the convertible. Yeah, for sure.

Do they still make a Miata? No, they can't. Yeah, they do. What? I think they do. People can't fit in that thing. Papa Josh, do you know that? We're too big. I don't think they make them anymore. He doesn't think. I don't know. All right. Two dozen 24 and 224. I was pretty sure they make them. But they were miniature. And the fact they were convertibles just because your head couldn't fit in there with a convertible top down. I love that making a car, like, how many people should we be able to fit in this car? Two.

Is there no backseat? Because I would love to see a human try to sit in a backseat of a Miata. I think they're two-seaters. They used to be at least. Okay. All right. I'm going to go with what I think the, you know, what I think happens a lot. And sometimes it's major and sometimes it's just a little tweak.

Oh, no. But I'm going to go with plastic surgery. Yeah, I'm going to go with plastic surgery. That wasn't on my list. I just kind of grew. Because you haven't got it yet? I drew for my own experience. Should put it on your list?

Yeah. Seriously put it on your list. You have an on-camera job. Yeah, it's a to-do list. Okay, got it. I can run through all the stuff you should do. Yeah, afterwards, I'm going to pick up the free agents. All right.

No, I meant all the surgeries you should do. Yeah, he was saying specifics. Yeah. Give me that list. It's a long list. After the show. Yeah. All right. Mike, you've got two picks. All right. Sports car and plastic surgery have been taken. Yeah. All right. So the first one, which I have seen many times as I was growing up as the, the generation older than me reached into the middle. I saw a lot of them start to get tattoos. Yeah. It's on my list. I mean, yeah. It's on my to-do list.

He comes in tomorrow, looking so different. Yeah. I'm going to have a different nose. You can get a 24 miata. Neck tattoo. But the aunts and uncles. They got the tattoos. The tattoos started to flow.

What is the go-to tattoo for the midlife crisis? Is it like, is it supposed to be something like artie or is it like? I mean, for. Is it young forever? For the aunts in my life, it was always something flowers. Okay. All right. Just feels like you're being a kid again or something?

I don't know. So they get the tattoos and then we're going to say, which one do I want to go with? We're going to go with Start Working Out. Yeah. Start working out. Take that. Oh, is it?

Oh, yeah. He doesn't need to write that one. No, that's checked off the list. Okay. Okay. That would have been my next pick. The working out. The working out one.

I'm going to go with the next most, in my opinion, the most prototypical midlife crisis purchase that you can make, which I'm going to go with buy a boat. Oh, yeah. I'm going to buy a boat. I'm a boat guy now. Yeah. I've reached the middle of my life and it's time to be a boat guy.

I'm a sailor. Write that one down. Yep. To do. buy a boat. Oh, I thought you were saying you bought a boat. I was like, what? No, I have not.

Just everything we list. Yeah. All right. I'm up. You are up. You're up. All right. Well, the first one I know, it's going to be the other side of Mike's working out.

And it's, it's to become a health nut. Yeah. You know, like your, yeah, you're, yeah, you're. I like that language, though, become a health nut. Yeah, because I remember. Inching closer to death. Yeah. It's like, I remember all the, the.

the people when I was younger that they just reach an age where they just They bought a Nordic trek. It was, it's not the exercise is the diet's nutrition. It's like, oh, now they're eating only non-GMO organic blah, blah, blah, blah. Now that's me, man. I'm talking to my kids. And I'm like, this is how you know I'm going through a midlife crisis. These seed oils are very bad for you.

So, all right. Health nut. Health nut. I like it. I've got one more pick here. and this one is not on the to-do list. Oh. Is Dior gray hair.

Oh, oh, it's not on the list because it's already done. Because it checked off, brother. Oh, yeah. This,

this beard is not natural. What do you do? I mean, it's mostly, I got like a couple spots of gray that comes through. What do you do if, like, I have a friend who's just been dyeing their beard since I've known them?

Uh-huh. It wasn't midlife. It was like, It was like young adult. Then that means that's how their beard grows. That's what it means to me. Like if they've been doing that since they were a young man, that's just what their beard is.

And they should keep it up until they're 90. I'm sure they'll fool everyone. All right. This next one is not prescripted, but it is associated with a midlife crisis. So I'm going to pick it. And that's getting a new spouse. Yeah.

I mean, that is. Yeah. That's the unfortunately generic trade up in for another model start dating someone

way too young for you swap out the car swap out the girl yeah midlife you're I don't think you're wrong unfortunately

so my final two here I'm going to go I'm going to say start to travel more oh that's good because you look it's on the list You want to go and see what the world has to offer out there.

While you can. Yeah, well, I mean, you're also at the point where you're like, okay, I'm older. I have some money. Maybe I have some time off that I can actually go and do it. See, I have one on my list that now is very that, but it's specifically solo trips, like a solo camping or backpacking trips. Because it's your midlife friends. No, like find yourself on the trail? Exactly.

Exactly. Like, I need to get out into nature by myself. Do the Pacific Coast? And, but I mean, speaking of free time for my last one, I will say, quit their job. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Say, screw this noise.

I've wasted my whole life working here. Yeah, go get, go find your dream job. Yeah. And, um, with that, but stand alone pick, it works. Go back to school. Oh, sure. It's the midlife. Go back to school and do it all over again.

What's up, fellow young kids? Uh, ha, ha. So I'll go with that for my final. Can you imagine going back, going to college right now, an in-person call? You go to ASU and you're surrounded by kids who are 20 to 22 years old and you're rolling up in there with your dyed beard. Yeah. Pulling up in your miyatta. I don't know.

So I think here's the truth. I think I would be extremely uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, you would. And I think I would love it. Oh. I think it would be like a, like, because when they come up and they're like,

yo, Gramps, what are we doing? The young people give you energy. No, yeah, exactly. Exactly. I think I would, I would feel young again going. Leaving at 7 o'clock at night.

Would you, from the party? Or would you just feel really old? I think, no, I don't think I would. I think I would feel uncomfortable, but I think I would love it. I think it would make me feel young again.

Okay. Well, give it a go. Right. Sure. All right. Go to ASU. You've got to find a lot. don't pick here. So far,

I'll just run it, run it back while Jason figures his last one out. Mike has get tattoos. Start working out. Start to travel more and quit your job. I've got plastic surgery. Buy a boat. Get a new spouse and go back to school. And Jason has buy a sports car, become a

health nut. Die them graze. And get a therapist. Yeah, man. Nothing like a good midlife crisis to, hey, if you need a therapist, get a therapist. Yeah. But you're going to need one when you turn 40.

When you, when you, when you, well, midlife, it could be 40. It could be 41, you know, whenever for you. Yeah, it could be any of them. Yeah. Examine those childhood traumas, man. It's time to work through it. It's time to work through being old, you know. You only, I mean, literally, everything on my entire list got checked off by you guys in your picks,

except for one, which was just become nostalgic. I mean, I don't even know if that's a midlife crisis thing. I had a change your wardrobe. Oh yeah. Yeah. You might start to turn those L's into X-Ls. Going to have those graphic T's. Well, yeah, I meant like showing up younger man's clothes.

Start a new hobby. Yeah. For sure. Yeah, a new sport like pickleball. Yeah. I have go skydiving. Yeah. Something to make you feel.

Bunggy jumping. I need to feel alive. Become a golfer, which is, you know, that might be the hobby. Or my final one was, well, no, I got to start becoming a conspiracy. theories. That's about the... That's about the point in your life where you could start buying in

all these theories. And then the only other one... Have you checked that box yet? No, I haven't checked that box yet, but the box I have checked... But I'm here's good thing. Is build a chicken coop and buy a baker's dozen baby chicks for farm fresh eggs, baby.

Yeah, I don't know who would do that. No. What did we learn today? Oh, what did I learn today? I learned that I am a great guesser of public opinion. Yeah, I learned on the goose again, and I'm taking notes on this midlife crisis thing. I need to check them off.

I learned that people do race on zebras. They've done it. For a very short while. They've done it. Well, to be fair, when they ride bulls, it's for a very short while as well. Yeah, fair. That'll do it for today's episode back next week.

Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening. to the spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.