Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Galactic Turncoats & Best Objects with a Handle - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

Spit Hit for August 28th, 2025:On this hilarious episode, we weigh the merits of alien abductions, argue over food etiquette, answer life's pressing questions and wrap things up with a draft that honors the best objects with a handle.Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I don't know what, do, sats, oh, I will say this. You appreciate that, Mike? I did. Yeah.

It tickled my funny bone. Welcome in one and all, the Spitballers podcast, Andy Mike and Jason, episode 286. I appreciated that SCAT as well, not because of its content, but because halfway through the music, right? We're starting the show, it's playing, and the camera's on you because you've got the SCAT. so you can't see my reaction but about halfway through I was distracted looking at the show and all that and I hear that music

and in the back of my head I went oh no and I stare at the monitor like is it on me right now am I about to scan did they get me? Oh man so great scat

I think so good you should do it every week you like all the scats that aren't you that is correct would you rather that's a great question and we have a draft on today's show as we always do and it should be very competitive.

There's a clear one-on-one. Okay, well, I have the one-on-one, and I'm worried that I'll miss it. Good, good, good, good. Let it drop. He's a liar. Well, we're drafting the best objects with a handle. So Jason says there's a clear 101. Clearly. Now, I mean, I have my 101 picked out.

I just, we'll find out later if it's what you think is right. I hope it's not. at Spitballerspot over on X. You can follow Jason at Jason FFL. You need to hope that it is because it will validate that there actually is a 101. I will validate it when I draft it.

So I wanted to drop to me. I was in the middle of reading our ex Twitter handles. But at Spitballerspot at Jason FFL at FFL at FF Hitman and at Andy Holloway. If you want to follow us there, website Spitballerspod.com. We're on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and all the other places. That felt like an ad read you hate.

Like, I am obligated to say these things. I don't think you should follow us. I don't want to read this anymore. When you have so many places, then none get enthusiasm. I should always just. Okay, what's the one place? I think they should go right now to YouTube.com slash pitball. I think they should watch the show so they can see you scat.

Yes. And then tell your friends about it, if you want to, which you should want to. All right, moving on. Would you rather? Sam, from the website, would you rather be abducted by humans or aliens? Wow. What? Very.

Come on. Very interesting. So abducted being. There's only one answer. Like kidnapped. right? I don't know that that's true. No, there's one answer. I can see an argument for both sides.

Lay it out. What? Which side are you thinking is firmly on the alien side? Yes. He wants to experience that. No, no, I do not. No, I definitely do not. But you know what? The hit rate here, like the probability, abducted by humans. Oh, I see where you're doing. Terrible nefarious

things are, you are now involved with 100%. If aliens abduct me, it could be probably 100%, but that's so I'll lower it down. What about all the probing? Yeah, yeah, that's a worry for aliens. I don't want... Have you ever

heard of humans? Humans aren't... They're terrible. Let me make the counter argument here. Okay. Okay, because you're right. This is bad and bad. Right? 100% bad as humans. It's 100 versus 99%. So at least I have a 1% agree completely. You've got a

1% shot that maybe the aliens just want to like interview you and figure out more about you. Yeah, okay, go on. But with the humans, it's 100% bad. If you're getting abducted by a human, it's bad. But what if it's just for, what if it's just for, what if it's just for blackmail? Huh?

Black, you mean ransom? Yeah, ransom. Yeah, for ransom. Like the blackmail people into like, or is that only random? That's not black. It's just the ransom. Okay, so, but you know, ransom. You're holding me hostage for a little bit and then someone's got to pay money.

It's like, okay. 1% of all abductions of humans by humans is to haul them away to those, like, teen camps or something like that, where, you know, military camps. You ever seen that? What are you talking about? Oh, I have no idea. You can't abduct kids? With their parents' permission, you can. That happens.

That happens. For real? They do that. Yeah, like brats. What is, you've been watching too much Sally, Jesse Raphael over here? This is not a real world where that happens. Okay, but sometimes... That's not an abduction. That's parents.

Don't they do that for like... I'm sick of you and I'm shipping you off. What about a fraternity? I've seen fraternity... That's true. I remember in high school. I hear great things about it. No, no, no.

You said one percent. I think one percent of abductions are for fun. In high school. Now, Andy's right. I was part of the Thespian community. And when we were going to induct new Thespians, we would break into their house with their parents' permission in the middle of the night with water guns and we'd capture them and bring them in the van and we had a blast it was an awesome we'd hold them for ransom we'd make

a killing um have you checked in with these people what do you mean yeah they were they were they were like all we were all best friends yeah that spians were already weird yeah i'm sure those people have no lingering issues i was one of them once i was the yeah and i know you yeah see perfect Lingering issues. So here's what I will say. The concept of alien abduction in general. Also, an allowed abduction is not an abduction. Well, it's not allowed by the abduct.

Yeah, no, it was. In that situation it was. You knew at some point you're getting abducted and you were looking forward to it. Here's all I'm saying, if the aliens have the ability to secretly swing by Earth and then pull people up into their spaceships and then leave. Like, they also then would have had the ability just to kill you. So to abduct you seems like a foolish middle step for an alien. No, not at all.

Why would you need to take one person? Experimentation. You got to take someone to see what their body can handle. That sounds really bad. I don't want that. Do not test my limits. The plus side on the aliens is that if you were abducted by aliens, okay? I'm in that group.

I got abducted by an alien. I am one of the few people that know for a fact whether aliens exist. That's it. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, but I, but still, I gain something. I gain something. You know what I mean? Like, there's nothing to be gained in most of this.

What if alien abductions are 100% true, but everybody abducted just chooses to stay? Then they're doing something right? They never go back. They're just like, no, I'm staying. They apply for citizenship. Yeah, on the ship. Right. For sure.

And you get to be in a spaceship. That's a pretty cool chance. That's true. If you have made the decision. What if they just suck, though, the ships? Oh, and they're like, they look like old submarines. Like, you get up there and you're like, this thing should have like the ability to make food out of nothing and zip around. And they're slow.

And they're rusty. I don't think they would have got here. No, but that's the, you know, I'm saying what if? I'm taking the aliens. This is an easy answer. All right, aliens. Humans are the worst. I mean, that's just the truth.

What would we do if the roles were reversed? If we were the aliens abducting, basically we're abducting aliens. We're abducting aliens off their planet. We probably, we wouldn't be the worst, right? We would like check them. Oh, yeah. No, we would be totally cool. You meant humans?

Yeah. We would super chill. Treat them with such respect. Hey, look, if I was. Make sure that we have permission from them for anything we want. I'm going to make a vow right now. I don't know. You guys don't have to join me on it.

It'll be just me. If I ever am in a ship and I abduct another alien from another planet, it's going to be a good time for that alien. I'm going to treats a fun day. I cannot make them back. I cannot make that promise. I cannot make that promise. You might be more tempted to experiment. If there is a world in the future where I'm on a ship and I have to abduct another alien.

I'm going to assume we are. at war. Yeah. He ain't having a good time. Humans, the world. Tell me everything you know. Humans are the worst, but I'm still firmly on team humanity. Right, right, right. Yeah, for sure. You'll do what needs to be done. I'm not a galactic turncoat. Right. Thank you, Mike. Thank you, Mike. No, you're

not. Um, Jack from- You're part of team worst. Yeah. Let's go, baby. Uh, Jack from Patreon, would you rather always have to tell people your salary anytime you introduce yourself. Oh, what? Or always immediately ask anyone who gives you a gift if you could get the gift receipt because you would prefer to just have the cash. See, the gift receipt wouldn't be a problem if you were exchanging a size or a color.

Asking for a gift receipt is not bad. Asking for a gift receipt because I'd rather have the cash is where the problem comes. It's like, I just want your money. But at the same time, just give me cash. You know, that's the worst. I mean, that's terrible. I think asking for the cash. Yeah, I mean, the point of the gift isn't the like,

the fundamental point isn't the monetary equivalency. Right. That's not why we give gifts. Right. Is to because then, I mean, really, if that was the case, there should just be a family account that has money and it just shifts between everybody's name all year long because you're giving money to them and they give money to you

and you give money to them, and then you just... It kind of already is that, except you, every once in a while, you pull a whammy, and you have wasted your money on a gift that no one wants. I just think... Andrew Hallway, $65,000. Do you get offended if somebody wanted to return your gift? I don't think so. No. I don't give two farts about gifts.

And so receiving or really giving... I'm not a great gift giver. Tell me about it. I'm sorry. Probably from the abduction. So like if you didn't... He was given a gift that cannot return. If you didn't like the gift I got you, I don't think I care.

For the most part, no, but there are... That's an indictment on you. Oh, I fully realize. Because that means you didn't put the kind of... It's all proportionate. Like, you didn't care enough to get a gift that you would care that they didn't like. No, I don't know about that. Because if I do care to try and put an effort to get...

a gift they want. If they don't like it, then really it's all about me. It's about whether I did a good enough job. And clearly you didn't. Right. And I'm okay with that. I tried my best. If you don't like it, then I, whoops. It can feel bad though. Like if you put the effort in because it's, I thought I knew you. Yeah. I thought I knew something about you. And I found this thing that I thought it was perfect. You're going to love this. And you're like, no, actually, I'd rather have the money. Well, now there's this rift of what I thought I knew about my friend, and it's not actually true. And that's just, that's a void. Sometimes the gift is actually the response to the gift.

Right. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's what you're saying. So salary? I got, going back to the gifts real quick, there was a gift this last Christmas to my wife that I thought was the best gift I had ever, like, Not ever, but, like, that I had thought of. It was, it was personal.

It was meaningful. It was like a Dolly Parton themed special limited edition book that's big and fancy and rare and all, all these things. And it was, it was really neat. My wife loves Dolly Parton. And so, you know, that's the last gift to open Christmas morning. That's the big one. That's the big one. Okay.

And so. There's a big lead up. It's a big lead up. And then we. This is it. open it and it it is in fact the book that is right by our bathtub

oh no yeah but she's got it and it's been in planes I mean it's right on the counter for years how did she I'm really curious for years did she now knowing your wife I want to buy it every day I imagine you bought her a gift she already had that he's like that was so

heartfelt that he bought it twice now did she I'm trying to I want to guess the response that's a bummer I feel like your wife in that situation would immediately call you out? She actually did she call you or did she think that you grabbed the book from the tub and wrapped it up and it was a whole bit. No,

that's a good move. I think technically this was like a slight, it was like a limited edition version of the thing she had. She was gracious and like, oh, no, it's different. I was like, oh, so she tried to, she tried to make it okay. That's brutal. Yeah. I mean, I'm telling you as soon as, as soon as she said that.

So that one she should have returned for the cash. As soon as she said that, I was like, oh, yeah. So then, like, that's, I mean, I'm telling you, that's rough. I walk by it every single day. This is not a hidden thing. This is like, that's how you got the idea. I did the exact same thing by, I bought my daughter a Lego set the other day. And I was so excited to give her, totally giving it to her before.

Yeah, yeah, there's so many Lego sets. Okay. So I, look. What was the question? But no, we haven't even explored the, you have to... It's offensive to tell your salary to people every time you introduce yourself. It's offensive to request a gift receipt to just get the cash and say you only want the cash. Question, what is the least offensive salary to have to share?

It's got to be right in the middle. That's what I mean. Yeah. National average. No, no, no, no. But without looking it up, what do you think is a salary that if, you know, that you wouldn't think, oh, you're not doing well? And you wouldn't think, oh, you're snooty. You're bragging. Yeah. 65.

Yeah, 65. I think that's where I went. 65 is like, okay. Yeah. You're doing a. Now I'm curious what the average is. The average national salary? Yeah.

Right now, 59384. Okay. That's the way to say 59,384. That is correct. I see the average salary as of March 28. 384. Has 63-795. Okay, according to the Social Security Administration.

Is that the way to loophole this? Is that you say your salary? Like, hey, Jason Moore, 73, 285. Just sounds like you're giving a pass code. Exactly, right. They don't know what I'm saying. I'm still sharing my salary. I'm just saying the digits.

But you got to say dollars. Okay. Hi, Jason Moore, 73, 854 dollars. I think that's fine. No, they'd move on. Yeah, they'd move right on. Oh, okay. Okay.

Now, I don't. Yeah. I introduce my, do you introduce yourself more than you get gifts on a yearly basis? You probably. That could be another factor. It depends on your age. Would you avoid introducing yourself and avoid seeing new people to avoid this? Either way, you're going to come across.

$754.4.3-2-9. Kind of bad. But alternatively, if you had to do the, you know, ask for a gift receipt for cash every time, I would be very proactive. If I've got a gift situation coming up, I would ask for cash. Because if someone straight up says... I don't think you could do that. Oh, if I had to...

Yeah, you can't. If I had to do it after the fact and say, I need the gifts for sure. That's the thing. You'd have to do it up front. Now, I only get gifts on birthday and Christmas, right? Like, I don't... I think the trick here that is legal would be have something you're raising money for. So when you do the ask, you can say, I just need to contribute it.

to my prosthetic leg fund. But, like, what's funny about that is Christmas morning. You know, I don't know what you guys, let's say you got four or five gifts. They would all just be cash. Would you be like breaking up? Like, would I be receiving separate envelopes of like, here's $20. That's why it's not about the money. All right, I'm going to do the gift one.

I'll do the gift one as well. I'm not telling people my salary. And I just want the cash anyway, so. Tyler. win versus loss from the website would you rather have to say every punctuation mark

with every sentence you say comma or have to talk twice as slow as you currently do exclamation point so you always sound like you're doing voice to text

why did that end in an exclamation it was a question mark yeah it's a question mark you asked a question it's written as a question mark in the dark it was not a question no it was very exclamatory say every punctuation mark

question mark or have to talk twice as slow as you currently do question mark i would be afraid okay so we we need a little bit of clarity on the the grammar side of things okay i ain't great at the punctuation okay wait does that mean that ain't well you would need to say the apostrophe like i i ain't it's punctuation yeah i ain't apostrophe was that the intent out you would have to spell out the word we'll say commas quotes and then anything at the end of the sentence period exclamas of your sentence. Oh, man. Yep. But that's, more specifically to the point I was saying, comma. Commas. I don't know where they go, man. Oh, man. Also, you outlay your grammar problems in your everyday speech. Yeah, comma, I do. Was that right? Was that right? No one knows.

No, yeah. Nobody knows. Only grammarly knows. But I am throwing commas out all the time. It's, it's, it, I error on the side of an overabundance of commas. I know I do. too. It's like, look how good my grammar is, but he clearly knows. If you write conversationalally, you will throw in too many commas. That's what ends up happening. If you think about what you're writing in your

head, there will be too many commas in there. I don't remember the last time that like Grammarly on my computer asked to add a comma. But I remember plenty of times I was like, dude, you do not need this. That's enough. So yeah, stop it.

What if Gramerly limited the comment the commas you could use. Like it's a new plan. It just disables the keyboard. It's like 20 commas per day max. You have to buy new commas. If you had to pay 20 bucks per comma, you would get changed real quick,

comma. I would not do any commas. Period. Period. I don't think I could navigate this one. Well, I could do that a whole lot easier than speak. Half. Yeah, you can't talk. That's how I talk.

I'd go insane. I can't do that. Yeah, you can't do that. And we speak for a living. Comma. Maybe we do. Exclamation point, comma, exclamation point. Question marks.

Somebody called it? Josh from Patreon, would you rather? Would you rather swim in open water with a wild orca? That would be terrifying. Yeah, no way. Or be stuck in a room infested with German cockroaches that have been crawling around and on you. What's, what's, uh, are those flyers? What's the German cockroach?

Yeah, I know. That's got to be. Are those the flyers? Is that just a regular cockroach? I think that looks like a regular car. Why do we call them German? That seems a little rude. What's going on here?

That's not rude. It's heritage. Where they're just from, I imagine they're from Germany. I'm just saying I'd like a different bug associated with me. I'd like it a good old fashion American cockroach. Are they American butterflies and German cockroaches? There are American cockroaches.

I know I've heard that before. Oh, the American ones are larger. Oh, these aren't that big. The German ones are tiny. That makes no sense. Germans are humongous. Are they? I think so.

That's how I view. You view Germans as extra large? Absolutely. That is not what I view Germans as. Maybe it's just like, I view all Europeans is smaller. I feel like the Americans are, and maybe some Russians. I think I'm with Jason. Germans?

Maybe it's just German women are, I mean, usually they're, They're bigger. They're hearty? They're hard. They're taller. They're stronger. I think just. What did you just do?

I don't know, man. But there's the broad worst of women. Is it? Oh, man. I mean, I don't know what these. I think you get hearty when you eat that much sauerkraut. I think it just, it gets in the veins. Because you get gassy?

Does sourcrow give you gas? I assume so. I like sourcrow. I have just. Yeah, it's good, but it smells like farts. I have just. It does smell terrible. Oh, yeah, it smells like farts.

You open that can, and it's a can of farts. It smells like German cockroaches, which are not that large. Look, that's, that's gross. My sister's in the middle of having a major cockroach problem at their apartment place. Oh, no. That's not great. And they can't get rid of them. And, like, they'll just be on the ceiling.

Right. Oh, gross. But you know what? You know what? She's telling you about it. If your sister had an orca problem in her apartment, you would not hear about it. Right. Because you would not hear from your sister disappeared in ocean.

You'd rather be caught in the water with an orca or a shark. Oh, that's probably a shark. Definitely an orca. I feel like one orca bite you're done. Orcas are mean. They're big, right? You're dying either way, brother. No, no.

It depends on the shark. If it's a great white, you're probably going down. I mean, sure, if I can pick my shark, I'll pick a tiny little shark. But I'm saying like an orca is scared of. nothing. Like an orca will, I just saw a clip of their orchas taking out, average six tons. Taking out great whites. Orcas are just like, yeah, whatever, man. And ramming boats? Yeah. And they're sinking yachts. They coordinate. Are they the king in the ocean? Yes. For sure.

Because orcas don't get eaten by great white sharks. I don't think anything hunts an orca other than humans. We hunt orcas. We don't hunt. We hunt everything, man. We abducted orcas. We abducted orcas. And we're really eye to them. Hold them for ransom. People don't hunt orcas do that. Yep, they did. Yeah, of course they did. Well, we used to. If there's an animal. And population control. This is for you. This is for your own good. So they used to be hunted in some. Blubber? I don't. Until the 1980s, they were hunted. Now they're just barely taken for small amounts. No animals hunt orcas except for humans. So yeah, I mean, they're the king of the ocean.

point in saying i'd rather be with a with an orca than a than a shark is that i see myself dying in both situations so which one is just finishing the job quickest best i don't know it's probably probably the shark like i i feel like an orca could just decide to mess around with you and just kill you for sport where if a shark is going to if a shark's coming after you it's because it's trying to figure out does it want to eat you do you want to be killed for sport or killed for food like to be eating food food but but one of them involves you being eaten yeah the other one just involves you be the other one you know my waterlogged body is floating around for eternity you'd rather be eaten yeah for sure i need to return back to the earth

poop me out wait you you return to the earth either way gentlemen that's gonna take one is through the digestive tract of a shark yeah speed that process up but yeah if you're floating around so you'd rather be digested well you're going to be digested well you're going to be because you're just, it's going to take a long, much longer time. I'd rather be digested by multiple sharks later. I don't think it'll be sharks. It's going to be nasty bottom feeder fish. Wait, when your body's floating around?

Yeah. Eventually you'll sink. There'll be some birds dropping me all over the place. Do you sink eventually? Uh, yeah. It's not like you absorb the water. No, eventually you do, right? I think so.

I don't know. If they put a hole in you. That's why they have to find the poke a hole. Yeah, that's how it works. That's how it works. And you fill up with water. water as our empty bodies do. How do you figure out if you end up just, do you float forever?

No, you'll sink. Yeah, wait, don't people wash up on shore? Yeah, I don't know how. So do seashells. Yeah. No, and those don't float. Oh my gosh, that's a good point. That's not that good of a point.

That's a pretty good point. No, it's a medium point. Seashells are tiny. Human bodies are big, but they're not all the same. You don't got boats. You don't got boats in the middle of the middle of. the water that were some whales washing up on shore sometimes well they come and they die near the shore they made a bad choice they weren't dying in the middle of the ocean then

rolling on the bottom oh really no okay why is that the titanic didn't roll up on shore the other day that's a good point that's a good point that's a good point you know what that's a medium point no you're the titanic thing uh i'm taking the cockroaches for sure i want to live you'll survive it'll feel real gross We're taking a break. Jason, do you have something to add? I just, I, when, when the question was, when the, Yeah, yeah, I walked.

Jay, you had a question. I walked right into that. You had a question. That was Jason kind of joke right there. It was. I'm very proud of you. Uh, my question was. That's a great question.

Good work. I figured Andy would. Andy was going to jump all over my cue, but he did not. Speaking of that, I had a great question. No, no, it's gone. You don't get it. You got to ban it. All right, Jeb.

What will we do? Jeb from X writes in, does what's in your food matter? Or is it only about the taste? Like if rats were delicious, would you eat them? Of course you would. Of course you would. I am adamant about this. Pigs are disgusting.

Pigs as animals Raps are a little nastier Sure, they're a little nastier Because they're not delicious And they carry plague Yeah, that's the catch for me It's like it flies If you caught them out of the air

Yeah, do bugs Which you just pop them in Do bugs Yeah I mean, but those don't taste You know how chicken carries diseases Like crazy But it's like oh, it tastes like chicken

If I was eating the outer dirty part of the pig What part of the pig do you eat? You beat all the parts But they wash them up nice Well, do you think that you're just eating a rat raw? No, I guess you should eat a rat then. If a rat was delicious, we would eat rat. Jason's point on the pigs is a medium to great point.

Thank you. Because they dig around in the mud. They're filthy. They eat slop. Right. They're not the clean type of animals. I've seen the slop in the cartoons, though. And to be fair, sometimes you're like, that looks good.

The cartoon slop does. That looks for though. That's a full corn on the cob in there? That's a good restaurant. idea. Slop. It's just called slop. You know good... It comes in a bucket. Good restaurants only have to have four letters. Slop. Yeah. And it's a bucket

and it's all random. Yeah. So I'm convinced that rats would be viewed differently if they tasted great. Are you sure they don't? I'm sure they don't. Yes. I think this is fair. I think that they... Someone is eating rats. Some people eat rats. Yeah. And it hasn't caught on. It hasn't caught on.

No, it's caught on in some places? Not here. No, not here. But, I mean, we do eat a bunch of weird animals that people like the taste of, and then you end up, you know. I don't think people are afraid to eat anything if it's delicious. I really, really don't. I think you're probably right.

I think, but you hit a certain age where you just, you, the idea of eating, it doesn't matter how good something smells to me. Like, you think it's because the rats are filthy. Well, I'm just saying in general of, like, you know, like. Like, how, you know, you hear like the science community talking about, we should probably be eating bugs. Like, this is a fully replenishable. I don't hear that. I hear it.

Crickets are good protein. Yeah, look it up. You can get all the nutrients you need, high protein, far more sustainable. They're not good enough. They're not good enough. Far more sustainable than having these huge ranches where we're raising the animals and everything. But the idea for us as Americans, the idea of eating bugs is, is disgust.

Only because they don't taste good. If it tastes like chocolate, I'd eat a bunch of bugs. 100% you would. Yeah. Get this man a chocolate covered grasshopper. No, not a chocolate covered. That's different. You make every piece of that bite taste delicious.

Andy doesn't want chocolate covered raisins. No. Chocolate doesn't just cure it. No, you really don't like it. No, I hate chocolate cover raisins. Oh, I think they're pretty good. But I like raisins. I like chocolate covered chocolate.

You do. Yeah. Interesting. I think it's at a certain point, it becomes about the idea and the culture that you're raising. Al won't eat anything that swims in the ocean because he's a baby. Because they're water bugs. Yeah, it is because Al's a baby.

But he thinks they're gross. And so he can't get over the mental hurdle. Now, we do tell him that they're delicious and he won't do it anyways. But if you tried it, is that the trick, Mike, to try some rat? It's like a rat popsicle. It is difficult, though. It's like if you know what it is and in your head, your brain is telling you you should not eat this.

This is a bad idea as a human being. That's very difficult to get over. But don't you only think it's a bad idea because it's been a bad idea forever? Yes. That's what I'm saying. Culturally, you believe it's gross. There's other cultures that they eat bugs. It's part of the diet.

If they tasted good, if rats tasted good, then you would have grown up eating rats because it would have happened over time. I'm not saying that there's not some people that still would. wouldn't the way the owl is a total baby and won't eat seafood. Now, it'd be nice. No, no, no. Well, okay. You aren't a baby owl. You are, you are, you are, you are a man.

But you're like a baby with your seafood take. Is that fair? He's in his 40s. He doesn't eat seafood, yeah. Yeah, super fair. But I also know more people than him. I know a lot of people that, like, if it's in the ocean, no, thank you. It's not going to be in me.

Yeah, that's fair. But also there's delicacies. includes fish out just regular fish yeah yeah that doesn't gross me out as much as like shrimp and lobster but i won't eat any of it now is it on principle at this point no yeah no it it genuinely mentally grosses me like is it something is it cool because it's a fun fact we can bring up about you on the show no he says at restaurants he's allergic he just says that just ends the conversation quick yeah it's it's it's the professional way to do it but i'm i'm i am with I was there for a very long time.

I had a very strict policy. I don't eat anything out of the water except for canned tuna. That was the only thing I would eat. Can tuna. Eventually, eventually I got over it. Do you feel like more of a grown-up? Maybe. I do feel more superior to owl because of it.

Right. But the fact remains that crustaceans are gigantic oversized bugs that live in the water and fish smell like fish and that is universally looked at as that stinks. Yes, that's true. A fishy smell is not good. It's bad. It's bad. You're like, this fish is great because it doesn't smell

or taste like a fish. Shrimp are disgusting bottom feeding bugs. And while there are some people that don't eat them, shrimp is widely served, is eaten all the time, is a delicacy and a fancy restaurants will have the jump prox cocktail and it's like yep you want to know why because it's delicious so that's the point like this proves my point if it's delicious we'll eat it i think it's only delicious because you're used to eating it and you were told it was delicious i know both of you should i had a horse it was

awful well what what a way to end that conversation jason eats horse uh zach from patreon on you get paired with 100 random humans. If you're better than all of them at something, you get $1 million. What are you choosing? Ooh. 100 random humans.

So this is like, what are you best at? Which is troubling to try to say. What can you do? It's not necessarily what you like your best. You might be better at a different thing, but lots of people are good at that thing. It's like what is unique?

My default answer was like in a random sample of a hundred, am I better than all of them at pickleball? And I don't know if that. I think the odds are I probably... The odds are you are. Really? Oh, for sure. I was going to say like maybe one or two would be a problem.

No, no, no. In a random... So then that's my answer. Yes. I think that that's a great answer for you. Sweet. I feel like if there's a post-meal snore fest, like falling asleep,

Falling asleep the fastest was snoring after eating. I think I could win that. I think if you toss in most uncomfortable place to fall asleep, I would just make it a vehicle. Because a vehicle, well, it puts me to sleep. There's some people that can go lights out, though. You might get one in the hundred. I was going to say you would probably be able to outspend all hundred people.

Oh, there we go. Yeah, shopping. Shopping. Shopping. DoorDash. Shopping. Yeah, we'll go on. with that taking the most expensive item exclaiming it's the best even though you know it's not yeah it's the most expensive i'll beat 100 people at that what are you got mike uh super smash

brother 64 wow i promise i thought you were going to say like you'd make the least um you'd be the best at not making small talk among all hundred people i could yeah maybe a battle of silence silence who's the most silent for the longest the last person to talk i could do very well at that And I have the same fear of, like, I'm a better guitar player than most people. But in a sample of a hundred, you're taking a risk? There's definitely a chance of somebody's better than. You're probably better than a hundred. Probably.

But I think that there could even be like a handful of people. Yeah. I will say that there are, you know, right now today, pickleball is still new, still growing. There's a lot more musicians than there are avid pickleball players who are really, really good. So that's where I see your worry Because some people are just They love And they're really good

Yeah How good are you now Versus your peak My chops Do you feel like they don't go away? Is it like a bike? Yeah you can get it back Like you have to

Like exercising Like you can get your speed And your chops back up My understanding of music music is like I'm That doesn't change I'm so much better than most people, but there's going to be guys who have been playing the guitar for six years

who've just, they've hunkered down. And they're just going to be an actual technically a better player than. Christopher from the website with a great question for us, before we get into our draft here, when eating out and they forgot to bring someone's food, how long is long enough to wait before you just start eating your own food? This is such a funny question. because it's also it's not just

they forget to bring someone else's food it's they brought yours out and the other person's food has not come out yet and I know what the the manor's handbook says I had a situation with Papa Josh

in this exact area over there inducers alley who we went to Michael's a Mexican restaurant delicious and there was a pretty big group of us I would say about 10 and we're sitting out under the in the balcony or sorry on the deck or whatever and they we all ordered 10 people kids included maybe that's a different nuance to the question but they were taking so long just the longest all of us have ever waited and then they delivered nine of 10 meals and I was the 10th meal and it was a burger and then they said we'll be right back with

your burger. It never did come. Wow. Until after we had closed the check and they brought me a burger in it to go container. So do you remember if you waited Papa Josh? A little bit, but then we just gave up. I feel like if nine tens are a good excuse to get eaten quick. Yeah, if nine tenths show up, you're not even sure that someone's didn't.

You're just, you see the whole table filling up. You're saying if it's enough people, you can just. Yeah, you're going to plow in. I know Mike's. Mike's opinion of this is not even, this doesn't exist. Correct. When a plate goes down in front of Mike, he starts eating. Yeah.

He doesn't ask permission. You never wait? No. I've never seen a wait. No. No, I've never. We've eaten with him. My food has been brought now.

Well, see, yeah, we've eaten with him, but regardless of when he starts, he's going to finish first. So I don't know if he's been waiting or not. That's fair. I sit right next to him at our normal lunch table. If my, when my fresh food has been handed to me at a restaurant, you want it fresh. I'm going to eat it. That's impolite. Why?

To a point. Once the other person gives you permission, then you're good. Why? Because you are sitting down to have a meal together. No, I get it, man. I get it. You're having a meal together. Yeah.

It changes in proportion to quantity of the party. So if it's one-on-one, it's the most impolite to eat immediately. I-100% agree with that. If it's three, it's a little bit less, four, five, as it goes up, it becomes less impolite. Yeah, because it's less personal. Yes, because if I'm with you, just one-on-one, and I got my meal, then I am literally indulging the meal in front of you while you are hungry.

Yeah, that's a crazy case, though. Okay, you at least agree that two would make it somewhat awkward. Yeah, but it would be really weird to the restaurants to bring one plate of food out. Okay, but unless you went to it. I mean, I was, but sharing the meal, we're sitting down, we're having conversation. that whole part has not changed. What about beverages? I order a water.

You order an adult. You order an adult drink. 100% exempt. Why? Because of the rules. Because of the rules. Those are the rules of society. We live in a society.

I fully, fully 100% Mike. I completely concede your point that it is arbitrary. I will let you eat. That it's arbitrary. Quickly. I'll say, just go ahead. And it is made up. And it is also dumb because

you're getting fresh food and you are there to eat so when your food is prepared and ready you should eat it. I completely understand that it's dumb, but it is still the world we live in and the... I just want to know why.

I mean, I think I explained it. I think the why wasn't good enough for you. The why is that you are too hungry people and one person has their food to fix their hunger and the other doesn't. So the politeness is just like, oh, I'll wait to eat so we can eat together. That's all. It's just let's eat together. We want, we need to be

chewing food at the same time. That's why you go to dinner. It is. Why do, why not sit at a different table? You go to dinner for the conversation. But, but that's the weird part. Especially if you are one-on-one, you sit down and one can talk and one is chomping. And now I'm like, oh, I'll do the talking. And you'll watch me eat. Yeah. So there's a little bit of an awkwardness with watching somebody eat. Then on the other side, do you feel like there is anything that appears rude or impolite of you have your your hot food has come out it's sitting there sits there for five minutes getting cold getting cold and i'm like no man when my fresh food gets here i'm going to eat it immediately it's not the other person's no no no that's not weird but there are two

things but i'm saying i'm i have now as the person without food i am putting myself above you saying you have to wait and your your food is not going to be as fresh that person doesn't say that you have to wait. You wait of your own accord. The other person says, just eat. Just get started. I'm saying cut the middleman out. This is nonsense. Just eat your food. Mike is just arguing against being polite in general. Here's how you cut the middle man out. And here, and it works 100% of the time. Okay. If you get your food first, you simply say, oh, you want me to wait? Because they will 99% of the time say, no, no, no, just eat. And then it's done deal. And the one percent of the time that they say, yes, you just eat, brother, because that is a jerk.

And they do not deserve your manners. Okay? So all you got to do when you get your food first, just say, do you want me to wait and then grab that fork? Because you know what's coming. So, yeah, if you ask that question, you do back them into a corner. Now, you can try to share a couple fries and get the party started. Oh, yeah. That's another route.

It honestly matters if it's coming soon or not. I love that it's, it comes down to it. Well, it's just this dumb. formal thing that we do that everyone should agree. That's all of life, Mike. That's all of life. It's holding the door for someone. No, holding the door is, that's... But why?

Why would I need to hold the door for someone behind me? I open the door for myself. I'm walking and they can open the door for them. Yeah, they certainly can. But it's a nice gesture. It's a no. It's the same text gesture. And the truth set you free. No, because I'm still over here saying it's not a nice gesture. You're saying you don't understand that it's nice. Yes. Yes. I get it. Okay.

We're not going to solve this to say that you, I am sparing you the physical labor. We have to do a draft down the line of societal, what do you call them? Polite things, I don't know. No, like implied rules or norms, societal norms or implied rules that should be thrown away. Yeah. Because there's a million of one. I have to take my hat off because I'm inside. Yeah, it is.

What is that all about? Mike has got a little notebook that he's been writing these in for 15 years. I feel like when we do this draft, it's going to take me forever to come up with the list of 12 things. And Mike will be like, here's that 10 extras I didn't use. And then we will have solved so many problems. All right. Mike wants a really efficient universe. Yes.

I know. Don't speak. Don't even. Mike, why do you want to go to dinner with somebody? You don't want to talk? Yeah, well, I'll listen to your stories. He wants to eat alone at a restaurant. All right.

We're moving on. The Spitballers Draft. All right. I was just laughing to myself as we hopped into the draft that Mike would maybe enjoy going and having dinner with a storyteller on the other side. Like he doesn't produce. He eats. Yeah. You ever been to dinner theater?

That's what that is. Oh, actually, you're right. That is what that is. You ever been to dinner in a movie? You like that? Oh, it's great. Yeah. You ever watch TV while you eat dinner?

Yeah. I want to eat and I want entertainment. Yeah, you don't have to come up for air then. Yeah, it's great. All right, we're drafting the best objects with a handle. If it doesn't have a handle, get it out of this draft. Now, I have the first pick. I am curious.

You're so lucky. I want to know how specific we're supposed to. to be. Oh, we're bringing this up now? What do you mean? Yeah, I'm bringing it up now because I want to know if I'm a, do I choose the cat, like I have my number one pick. Okay.

And I could choose the category. So, of object or I guess it's an object, so I should choose the category. Sure. Like, let me give you an example. No, no, no, let me just give you an example.

Let's say, um, it was a car. We all know a car has a handbook. Yeah. Okay. Um, am I, we're not going around the table. Just saying I'm picking a Ferrari. and you're picking them.

No, that would be, that would be a car. A car is the pick. Yeah. Jason is playing some devious line here. So what's your pick? A sword. A sword is my pick. And if you make me be specific, I was going to go Excalibur.

No, no, sword is. But sword. Okay, that's all the point I was trying to make. A sword. A sword without a handle would be very difficult to wield. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, personally, I feel like you can get the Excalibur if you want it.

But no one else will draft. one of the mini swords that I have. Yeah. Yeah, you have it. I have samurai swords and I have Excalbert and I've got the Braveheart sword. I've got them all. What's the one with the big curve? That's like a pirate sword. Yeah, I'm thinking more like a It's a Cimitar. Yeah, there we go. That wasn't what I was thinking of. A Cimitar? That sounds like one of those creatures. Yeah, that's the half horse, half man. Cutlass is also curved like a pirate. Ah, that's the one I was thinking of. That's not what I'm looking for. I'm going to find this. Okay, so I'm going with the sword as a object. Sword draft. Oh, my gosh. All right, Mike. Now, Jason, was that your 101?

Maybe, maybe none. I'll tell you what I dropped. Oh, good. All right. Mike, you're up. So I've. Now, think of objects with handles when you make your pick. I'm also, I want some real practicality.

And I'm going to take a, excuse me, I'm going to take a shopping bag. Interesting. Because they'll look, you ever been to the grocery store and they gave you the dumb brown bags that don't have any handles? And you're like, what's the maximum amount I can carry of these two? You know, they took the biggest. Yeah, one in one arm, one and the other. Yeah, or I grew up. I can't challenge myself to bring in every single bag of groceries in my trunk.

One of the greatest technological advances was they found a way to put handles on the paper bags. Yeah. They didn't master it. They did not master it. No, those things rip the heck off. We're still beta testing. You know how many of those you can carry? Zero.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Paper, plastic. So you went shopping bag. All right. Jason, do you have your 101 sitting there for you? Or was it sword? It was, well, my 101 was more specific.

I was going to draft a Lamborghini, but a car. Because a car. It was exactly the example I brought up. Yes, it was. Oh, my God. Yes, it was the exact example you brought up. Okay. So are you taking a car?

Yeah, for sure, for sure. I mean, if you're talking about the best things, I don't know how we would live without a car. What's funny is... You click it open. You've never seen a car with shaved handles? His car has no handle. It ought to opens for him. My car does not have handles, but that's why I was drafting a Lamborghini.

I'm drafting a Lamborghini. That's what I'm picking a Lamborghini. So cars, no, it's a good pick is on the list. 14? Well, honestly, so... My teenager loves Lambos. My first thing I put down was a Bugatti just because it's like At least that people might not know if that they have handles so I went with

Lamborghini you're going to get a Corvette next No come on me Prius you drafted Prius you drafted Prius just now No I didn't I drafted Lambo All right you get a second pick All right man there's a Bugatti All right I'm gonna go with one of my favorite things.

Use it every day. Wish I used it less. Wish you used it less. A refrigerator. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, all right. Yeah, baby. Okay.

Okay, I could see that. Yeah. Yep. The board, also known as my board machine. I can see that? Yes. Your board machine. My board machine is when I'm just.

just like, I don't have anything to do. Let's see if there's entertainment in here. I think a fridge is a great pick. I didn't have it on my list, but it should have been. Great pick. Yeah, it's not on my list either. And, okay, so I have shopping bag. So another thing, it's great because it has a handle.

Oh, yeah, it is. Just incredible. Oh, baby. uh it's kind of it's the combo but you'll get it pots and pans okay yeah oh crap that was the end of his list you he had pots and he had pans i mean no one's gonna take just pans it's pots and pans yeah i had a more specific singular object but i feel like it's been taken with pots and cast iron it was a cast iron skill oh man imagine that without a handle no that'd be tough oh you don't want to lift that of course you don't want to lift the cast iron handle You're going to want a glove.

Yeah. So I have a sword. Yeah. So I will go with the obvious accompaniment, a coffee pot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Coffee pot? I'm going to go in a coffee pot because, yeah, I mean, I don't need to tell you why. Coffee's.

It's pretty self-explanatory. It's a coffee pot. It's really good. You don't need to know my motivation. I draft what I want. And then, honestly, I've really had sword and not a lot of other good ones. So that's going to make. this tougher. I'm going to go with

I came in with sword on my... I mean, everything else just pales in comparison. So, I will go with something that has a uniquely shaped handle, and that's why I'm picking it. It's because the handle itself is fun. Okay. And it's an

umbrella. Okay. Because it's got like a curly handle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of cool. Oh, you're doing the curly, the, the, the, the J umbrella. Yeah, yeah, that's the, that's the kind of umbrella eye picture. Okay. I have several umbrellas.

I don't have a single one of those. And that's really, you made a mistake. Because those don't collapse the same, you know. They don't pop down. Yeah. They don't go all the way down, but when you collapse them, then you hang them on the hook. Sure. Yeah.

So that's really, you're not living life until you get one of those. Okay. Mike, you're up. Oh, my goodness. Handled draft. Handled it. It's one of our best ideas. Yeah.

Yeah. I like it. uh fellas i don't know if you've ever tried to carry a bucket without a handle oh man that's a fool's errand too big too heavy yeah you you fill that thing up with some water this is just impossible you got to have a good sturdy handle mike is carrying stuff yeah you know what i mean can we get rid of the the thin metal handle you know like what's on some of these buckets yeah you're got to have it you got to have the uh the extra plastic you got to have that i feel like you're just

slicing your fingers in half. We're selling those things? Like a pail, you know? You're selling pails without the plastic on the... The metal, yeah, like a metal pail. Oh, like the little ones. Well, sure, they're a little little, but you fill in the water, that's heavy. Yeah, they're medium-sized.

I can handle a small pail. Yeah, fill it with water and have that little... Oh, my... You're here. I got a good strong man hands. I don't. I got really weak. You do have a little bit weak hands.

Yeah, I do. You often handle it. me things for my man-hands to handle. Yeah, I say, Dad, can you open this and you got it? Mm-hmm. All right. Mike is carrying things.

That's, that is very true. That's what a handle's for. No. What are you guys doing? How dare you pick what handles are for? I'm not carrying my car, Mike. I'm opening my car. There's lots of uses for handles.

Mike says that's what handles are for. Tush. All right, Jason. Um, you need something with a handle here. I need something with a handle. Well, look, I'm really happy because last pick I was between. Your 102 made it back. My 103.

My 102 was a refrigerator. I'm going one, two, three on my list. Incredible. Thank you. I'm crushing. I'm crushing over here. A pickleball paddle. I mean, come on, baby.

Okay. We all love pickleball here. Andy, you talk about if there's 100 people in the world, you'll be the best of them. So car, refrigerator, pickleball paddle. you did it crushing you're crushing this job rushing it's really good you narrowed that handle down yes um and then i don't think you guys don't know if this is a handle take kairi irving because he's got handles oh he's got handles all right all right no no no i figure no i had to try he doesn't have a handle what's that he doesn't have a handle yeah and no you can't draft

booze we're not drafting best objects with handles okay um all right so for the for my final pick then i am going to go with a suitcase full of money a suitcase that's a great case is only used for money nowadays there's no one that carries a an actual suitcase my suitcase is always full of luggage and clothes i'm thinking you're talking about a briefcase yes i was yes i was yes i I was like, wait, you're bringing in my mind, I'm like, you're bringing a briefcase to I'm going to start taking your luggage off of the rack. I'm going to start filled with cash.

Oh, man, I will say this. A briefcase then is your pick. I will say a suitcase full of money is worth way more than a briefcase full of money. Also, you packing in a briefcase now is a very funny visual for me. Just put my shorts in here. That's what I thought you were saying and I was confused. Make sure you scramble to what people break in here. Are you drafting briefcase or are you drafting a suitcase?

I will let you choose If I get to choose I definitely would rather have a suitcase Yeah sorry So no money A suitcase means One thing only Vacation

Yeah You know If you're moving You're not packing in a suitcase You're only using a suitcase To travel somewhere Hopefully fun Yeah unless you got kicked out of the house

Yeah I mean When you move You're probably putting your clothes In a suitcase I don't know Mike we need something Hold on hold on your suitcase is in fact really just a box but it zips clothes and it's got handles it's designed

for your clothes you're saying when you move you're like you go get an extra box i do too what do you have you guys you guys move with your suitcases yes i've never done no for real nod nod nod i have never done it i've never done it it's a box with wheels guys it does make sense you unload your drawers into the into the suitcase i've never done that i've never done that i've never done that i've i've never done that i've I've moved so many times I've never done that. Well, they have, like, they have boxes for shirts and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, it's called suitcase.

Then you can just haul your empty suitcase to the house? Yeah, I do. Actually, I did. You put your suitcase in a box? No, no, the suitcase stays out because it is in the, it's a box in itself a box. But it's an empty box. I bring an empty box because I don't want to unpack my suitcase when I get there. You want to unpack the box?

I really do use suitcases only for vacations. They have garment, garment box. boxes. Yeah, and I use them. Yeah, I've seen them. They're pretty nice. No handles, though. Yeah, which would have been nice of the handle and maybe some wheels. And a wheel, yeah. All right. Man, if they made a moving box with handles and wheels, I would certainly buy it. Yeah, no, that's smart. And you just drafted it. And I put my suitcase in it. Mike, you need to, you got to pick something with a handle here. Oh, don't worry. We're going to close it out with a milk jug, boys.

A milk jug. So if you're voting on this draft by frequency of use, that would be very high. It would. Cars probably number one. Yeah, you are not drinking out of no carton. Oh, I mean, I do. I do that too. But if you get the gallon, imagine a gallon of milk without a handle.

That would be. You'd turn into an infomercial as you tried to pour it. Man, that would be awful. Your soft man hands are not. just picking it up and tilting it. No way. I can't lift that. My final pick is a motorcycle. Yeah, that's on my list. That's, yeah. Let's go ahead. Hold on. It's got a handle. Where's the handle on the motorcycle? On the handle bars. Oh, handle. Yeah. Yeah. Can't out, can't out think me on that one. Um, you can't say handle bars. It's built in. I mean,

clearly the handles are part of the bar. It's the bar where the handles are. I'm going with it. and we finish a spectacular draft. Undrafted, fishing rod. I almost took a gramophone just because you cranked the handle. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know? But I didn't feel like that might hit the whole audience. No, I didn't know what it was until you.

Just Beth, I went Bertha. I went Bella and Bertha. Is a phone, like a rotary phone? Is that a handle? No. Okay, good. I'm glad I didn't take that. Yeah, I don't think it is either.

Broome is just classic because a broom handle is like, you know, a big part of a broom. That's shaped very similar to the handlebars. Now, handlebar, what exactly differentiates a long handle like a broom handle versus handle bars? Almost nothing. Just grips. Yeah. So if you put a broom sideways with grips, you could drive a bike.

You have broom handles then? Yeah. Handle bars. Handle bars. Yep. Okay. Also have mug, microwave. Mug is, I should have put that with the coffee. I thought you were going to.

That would have been smarter than umbrella with a J bottom. I did not draft human head in this draft, by the way. Which the hair at that point becomes a handle. It can. It's a makeshift, though. It's not an official. Mike, did you have anything else? I mean, teapot.

What did you say it like that? I don't know. All right. A pitcher? So you went with teapot, pitcher, jug, mug. You're like, what things are in my kitchen? Yeah, they're in my kitchen also. If they didn't have a handle, it would be a problem.

All right. What did we learn today? Jason and Andy don't realize you can just put your clothes. Yeah, dude, it's really blowing my mind. You don't have to. We learned, that's our, what did we learn today is that. You don't have to go on vacation to put clothes into a suitcase. I have moved at least seven or eight times and I've always moved the suitcase as empty.

Yeah, me too. Which has been, kind of, it does seem dumb. It's so light and easy to move. It's so easy to move them when they're empty. In theory, could you move? And I don't have to unpack them. Why don't you? I think it makes sense.

Yeah, no, I like that. So I guess we'll close it out there. Thank you for joining us on this episode of the spitballers. Hopefully you're still here and you'll come back next week. So thank you very much. Thanks to Al, Papa Josh and the Falcon back there in Ducers Alley. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitball. Spittballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.