Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Gruncles & Doctors That Aren’t Doctors - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

Spit Hit for Jan 29th, 2026:It’s Thursday and that can only mean it’s time for some laughter. On this episode we discuss speeding yachts, wind-chime heists and wrap things up with a Doctors That Aren’t Doctors.Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy PodcastConnect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A sandwich with ham, potato cream, cheese, let's go. Delicious. Tremendous. Thank you. There's so much.

But I'd say when something happens like that on this show, it was 100% related to the draft. Usually. We were at 100%. Right. Now I've broken the mold. That has dropped. Nothing to do with today's episode. It had a little bit to do, in fact, entirely with what was on my screen.

Oh, you just, real life into the art. Is there potato on your sandwich? I'm looking at, well, you know, do I do the potato cream cheese soup? Do I do a ham sandwich? The let's go is what got me. The finisher was the, I just wanted to eat. So there's a couple of things going on.

Welcome to the Spitballers episode 313. Amazing. Yeah, you know me. It is negative 1,000 degrees in the studio right now. Feels nice. Which it's not. Like, it's literally snowing in Florida. Right.

And we're like, no, but we're. Guys, it's 50 degrees. We know it was 30 degrees outside this morning. It's 30 degrees here for about 10 minutes. No. And then the sun comes out. and you just plus 20 degrees immediately. Look, it's cold.

It's 50 right now. Papa Josh is very upset. Look, we don't have conditioning in this studio because we've never need, I mean, no heat, I should say. Then Jason is all but sure that he's not doing the scat. And I was, I thought it was me today. And then all of a sudden, two seconds before the show, it just makes sense that you got where you got, is what I'm saying. Papa Josh is like, oh, Jason, you got the scat today. What?

I thought Andy was getting me. And then the music started and potato cream cheese on the screen. Even when he said you had the scat, I thought Josh was getting you. And I wasn't going to say anything. I was like, he was just going to make you do it. But welcome into the spitballers. Would you rather life advice? And we are drafting a very special draft today.

Do our best. Doctors who aren't doctors. That's right. They might be called doctors, but they're not doctors. There's no diploma. No. We really got to rein this thing in. Also, I did figure out.

Of doctorates versus doctors. That's what I was going to get to right there. That's exactly what I was going to bring up as we were talking about who would be eligible to be doctors that are not doctors. And really, what we're mostly talking about here is we're going to draft people that are called doctor. It's like a surname for them. But it doesn't really. They're not, they don't got a family practice. Okay.

They're not working. But Dr. Phil came up and that's a PhD, not an MD. That's why we have, that's the difference. It's not a doctor. But he's got a doctorate. He's got a doctor. Which you get to be called doctor if you have a doctor. And that's what we need to abolish.

That's what we're saying we need to get rid of. Well, we need to pivot. Because I'm saying, like, if you go through all of the schooling to get your doctorate, like, yeah, I'm fine with it. You have earned yourself a title because, I mean, that's. You should be doctorate. That's bachelor. Doctorate of psychology, Phil. Because you got to go, you got to get a bachelor, master's, and then doctorate, right?

Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, that is so much. Dissertation and all that time. You have earned the right. You have earned yourself a title. but in our dumb English language of we have people called doctors

who are for health and then you're like my name is Dr. Thiggins. You're like, oh, what are you a doctor of? I'd be like philosophy. Like that's, see, now, oh, can you write me a script? No, but I can tell you how to feel. Don't you see?

It might me. That's our fault. Oh. It's not their fault because a doctor had always meant a doctor to different things. We just associated the moniker of Doctor of Medicine. Yes.

We short handed them to like, Well, because you go. Bring me to the doctor. But you go see the doctor. Yeah. It's an occupation. Because we did that, though. We decided that's what you did.

But it's too late. It already happened. But even if I go see a doctorate of psychology. Yeah. I would say I'm going to see a psychologist. No. I say, what did my doctor say? What script did my doctor give me?

Because you'd say that. Saying if you're on for a psychologist? Yeah. If you got a script, you'd be like, what did my doctor give me? If they can write a script. Yeah. If they can write a script. I'm saying, if you're on an airplane and you hear,

is there a doctor on board? Someone raises their hand. They're like, yes. Yes. I'm a PhD in theology. You're like, I'm a doctor of interior. Sit down. Interior design of art history.

And you win the argument. And you win the argument. But I'm trying to help these people. Yeah. So what we need to do is we need to. Lowercase and capitals. We need to change one of them. Now the easiest.

No, it's doctorate. The doctor is an occupation. You were not changing that. Okay. Medical doctors are. All doctors are doctors. That's locked in. The other people are...

Doctorates. That's too long. Doctorate Phil. Doctorate Phil? Just rolls off the time. Yeah. Doctor and Oz. Yeah. No, I'm not...

You got to have a different name. We can... I don't know if we can figure it out right now, but just... We got to think about this. Okay. Well, in the meantime... Would you rather... Professor's just a college teacher, right?

A prof? Yeah. Professors... Professors... Professor is awesome. Like you're saying the job? There's only one title better than that. I'm saying the title of professor is, that's awesome.

That's great. What's better? Headmaster. Oh, that is better. That is definitely better. Have we ever drafted titles? Oh, I don't think we. Yeah, we got Mr.

Mrs. Dr. Headmaster? Yeah. I mean, we have a headmaster. Oh, we got to draft titles. You feel like you're in Hogwarts. Oh, well, yes.

A headmaster. is like if a child, if a child misbehaves, the headmaster is picking them up, shoulder pressing them and throwing them out. Or casting a spell. Yeah, probably casting a spell, but they could use their strength. I'm over on Matilda. I see. I see. Would you rather, Andrew from the website, would you rather your brain actually release an audible? Oh, gosh. We're here again. Here we are again. Right off the back. I know. Would you rather your brain actually release an audible, smelly fart when you have. have a brain fart. Okay.

Does that like come out of your ears? Or actually, yeah. It's out your brain. But through your ears, yeah. Or actually get punched in the gut when you receive an emotional gut punch. A gut punch, let's examine this. So like when we say the expression, hey, that was a gut punch. Yeah.

Sometimes that might be like, look, my grandmother died. That was a gut punch. That would suck for that moment. You're sad. And you got punched. Someone walks up. Actually, they'd probably walk up and say, your grandmother died. and then wallop you and walk away.

Now the brain fart. Those are more. This could be why older people are gaseer, because the brain farts, they come on, the older you get, the less you, are like Papa Josh, for example.

Yeah, it's going to travel down south. It'll be farting all day. Yeah, I don't know that we could have them in a room. Wait, did you, did you say travel? You said the brain farts and then it comes out downstairs? I'm saying the way it works right now. Oh, okay. Because this is already happening.

This is just a hypothetical question. of your brain actually farce. I like that it leaks out your ears or your nose. The nose is brutal. That's too much. It's got to come out of something, Mike. Your pores. You can't just have like an ever-expanding cranial.

No, I think he's right. Just leaks out of all your little. Is it visible? Is there a small amount of... Are your parts visible? If your farts are visible, that's not a part. They might be if they came out of my pores. Who knows?

What kind of sound would that make? Just like a... Oh, out the pores? Yeah. Oh, no, it'd be real high-pitched. It has to be a fart system. Oh, it would be high-pit. Yeah, because those are tiny little sphincters.

I can't even... I can't even do it. Micro-sincters. I mean, this... Only dogs might hear it. At that... At that frequency? Look, I don't want...

I don't get gut punched as often as I have a brain fart. Yeah. But it's the double-up of when you get the gut punch. When's the last time you had the wind knocked out of you? Oh, man. It's been a long time of the... time ago, but it is, it's brutal. You feel like you're going to die for a second.

Yes, you do. So, I mean, it's just like as you grow up, you don't have that happen to you as often. Well, you're just, you're not putting yourself in the position. Right. So it's like that would suck. Like when we, we did, you know, a few years of old man recreational flag football. Did anyone get the wind and got on them there? I'm pretty sure that was young man.

Is there a chance? Yeah, compared to us now, yes. Is there a chance that we're misdefining, like, is a, a guy? gut punch anything you accidentally refer to as a gut punch? Because like I would refer to things that maybe aren't real gut punches. I think it's anything that really upsets you. It's not a lot, man. Yeah, it's more rare.

It's super rare. I'm taking the gut punt. That's probably once every three years. I don't know, man. You ever go and you're like, oh, I hope they got the mushroom biscuit. That's what I was asking. What's the soup of the day? And they're like tomato and you're like, oh.

And then he punches you. Tomato, bam. See, that's, okay, maybe you need to go to the brain fart. So when the soup of the day is out, that's emotionally devastating. It's a pretty big gut punch, depending on what my mood was going in. Like if I was going there for that soup. Okay. And it's like, you don't have it today?

Yeah. Boom in the stomach. Yeah, I can see that. I got food on the mind. I'm going to take the. I'm going to take the. And ham and tomatoes. Let's go.

I'm going to take the gut punch just because. I'm going to brain fart. Brain farts. are far more frequently. Just... What is your BF, pH? P.H? Per hour? Probably like zero, zero point one.

But it's a couple times a day. I'd say one, one to three a day. Yeah, so just call it two. And how many real farts a day? We talked about the big brain fart that's... Let's call it 200. I had a clicker once. We talked about the fact that we, the epic new brainfart

fart that has entered the society is the I pulled my phone out and forgot what I'm doing on my phone. Oh, yes. We talked about that yesterday. Oh, that's true in the office because what happens is you pull your phone out to do something. You're like, oh, I need to check the email. I forgot. I've got to get back to this person. You pull it out.

Notification. Google Home Alert. This, uh, the camera has gone off. Oh, I got to check that out. You will never remember to send that email again. Fart. Um, okay. So, you find the phone.

the answers. I'm going gut punch. You guys are going. I'm going part. gut punch. Okay. David from the website, we'd rather never be able to use a microwave again or never be able to use a kitchen sink again. I will intro you into the thought process here with a story. Okay. My, you know him, my great uncle. Yes. Your gruncle. My gruncle. That doesn't sound bad. It doesn't, but it's just what he is. It's for a gruncle stand on there's a cartoon Of course there is Mike You know

You have never learned anything from anywhere else Something falls Gravity Falls It's a great show Gras Stain Cartoon character from Gravity Falls Incredible Ding ding ding

Great show So My Gruncle Has never Ever owned a microwave Ever Good for him His house has stayed in the exact same

condition and state That it was born in in the 50s or something. Wow. He's never moved? No, everything he heats up. He heats up with an oven. He will heat the oven up.

Okay, so the old-fashioned oven. And so the other day... This is not like a countertop... No. This is... This is an old school. Yeah, there's got to be a landlander. Wait, we're waiting 15 minutes for this thing to heat up.

Yes. So the other day, my parents were trying to do him a favor. They bought him a microwave, and they unlocked the microwave, and they set it on the counter, and they were going to show him out to use it. and they got so many mean looks that they boxed the microwave up and they brought it back to the store. Wow.

We don't have it. So he's not, I mean, his answer is easy. Yeah, his answer is very easy. He does not want a microwave. He has a cell phone. Hmm. Yes, in recent years he has pulled that off. Flip phone or are we talking smartphone?

I think it's semi-smart. It's coming in green. Green bubbles. I don't know. Oh, oh. It's coming in green bubble. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean the font was green?

I didn't know what you in? He messed it up. I thought you meant he was coming in green like he was new to it. Oh, okay. So he was like, you know. His font is only green. We all had different thoughts. The green bubble makes sense.

Okay, so he's very interesting. And just microwave. PSA. Green bubble people are the worst. Anyways, microwave or what was the other option? Kitchen sick. I mean, this, I don't understand how this could actually be a question. Look, anybody that's had their water turned off before.

Oh, my gosh. And you wait and you see that you need to do anything. You can't do it. You can't live without a kitchen sink. You cannot live without a kitchen sink. No, you cannot. You've got to rinse dishes. You've got to wash your hands.

You got to haul these into the bathroom. Yeah. Let me go wash the dishes. Get my dish cart like I'm a bus boy, bring them down the hallway to the bathroom. You just can't live that way. On the flip side, living without a microwave is, is, Probably a pretty big upgrade for your health. Living without a microwave?

Yeah. And just taste. No, but what about like leftovers and stuff? No, I'm not saying. I use a microwave. But I'm just saying if it was like I can't just make a microwave dinner, instead I'm going to have to use my stovetop, probably better unless I'm making stovetop stuff. I'm going to be honest.

I haven't used my microwave to make a microwave dinner in ever, like 15, 20 years. I mean. Because you're not eating microwave dinners. Yeah, because who use microwave dinners? Do people eat those? College kids. Oh, man, I lived on Salisbury steak. Dude.

Yeah, but you're 40-something now. With the little apple compartment. You're a grown-up. In my early 20s, the hungry man had this thing out. Oh, Hunger Man had some stuff. Dude. And it was like gigantic fried chicken strips, huge potato wedges, a big old slop of cheese. Oh, man, this thing had at least 1,200 plus calories in it.

Oh, yeah. Pure poison. Oh, yeah, for sure. But the... Are we, am I off base here? Everyone's eating those a lot? You guys are both nodding back there. I apologize to all the industry people.

What are you eating back there, Papa Josh? Yeah, what's the brand? Marie calendars. Oh, well, like a pot pie? From the 90s? A Popeye is not a TV dinner. They still have those restaurants. It's a microwave dinner.

Yeah, but no, they have the whole TV dinners. Actually, I would count that as a TV dinner. A pot pie in the microwave. Really? I think so, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I know what you're talking about, like a pre-portion, three-section. It's different.

I guess that's what I meant when I said I haven't heated. I probably heated a pop-bye. It's got to have the compartments to be a microwave dinner. Yeah, yeah. To be, yeah, and why just microwave dinner and TV dinner means the same thing. Microwing dinners have to tell you how much their dinner on the boxes. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, you would not. This is definitely dinner. This is definitely your dinner. But the- What's your brand there? What do you got? Trader Joe's the butter chicken. It's a microwaveable?

Yeah, it's really good. Is it frozen or is it? Yeah, it's got to be frozen. It's frozen. Oh. Trader Joe's has some good frozen food. I'm in on the, uh, hashtag not a sponsor,

but I upgraded my air fryer a bit ago, so I got the double compartment. I thought this was your helicopter. No, no, it's me pulling out both compartments of my ninja. Is the double worth it? Because the double has, it's got air fry, bake, I've thought about it. And some other options.

So I, I reheat all of my leftovers exclusively and this bad dog. It takes longer, but it tastes so much better. You see they have these air friars that are over like glass compartments now? Like Ninja has one that's, it's a glass. What? It's glass. It sits on top of a glass bowl and that's how you air fry. I have not seen it.

And then it falls into the bowl? I got a new air fryer that is. It's not levitating. It's in the bowl being air fry. I've got one that is really wide so I could do pizzas in there. Like a full size pizza? Well, yeah, like a frozen pizza. You put it in there.

Woo. That's nice. Huh. Learning all sorts of stuff. How big can they make air fry? Big enough for a pizza. Yeah, that's fair. Okay, where were we?

Yeah, I'm going to keep the sink. Yeah, of course the same. Steve from Patreon, would you rather a personal chauffeur, personal chauffeur at all times, which sounds amazing. A private jet, it's only available for one trip a month. That sounds amazing. Or a private yacht available for six weekends per year. Six weekends per year's outstanding.

I. I join. Dude, I feel like the water. The water's too dangerous. The water's just... You know what's going on down there? You can be on a lake. You wouldn't even believe what's going on a private yacht on the lake.

That's lame. You can't have a yacht on a lake. You can't have a lot of yacht on the lake. You might as well have it on the freaking land. That's not a real yacht. The yacht to me is cool because of the ocean. Yes. But then I also feel like the ocean wants to eat us.

Yeah. I was... We don't belong there. Like, we will die on it. Like six weekends a year, I'll die in one of those weekends. Okay, if you're afraid to go on a boat, then sure, cancel the boat out. But I'm just saying that this is a generous... If you ever call someone's a yacht, they would be real mad at you.

Well, I would assume you're way more scared on a boat in the ocean than a yacht. That's the same, same. Same, same, baby. Anything on the ocean. There's no way. The ocean cares not for the size of your boat, man. Yes, it does. You're telling me you're on a little, a little two-person, you know, boat with a ore.

That's the same, same. That's a canoe. It's big enough. No, it's that's wide. It's wide. It's a fishing boat. I got to read this. The number of yachts is from AI.

Search labs, Google, thank you. The number of yachts that sink each year varies, but there have been more yachts sinkings in recent years. In 2024, 12 yachts were completely. completely destroyed, which is the highest number of yachts destroyed in the last decade. But we don't know if people were on them when they sunk. What do you think they go out on their own? I think hurricanes happen and then they got a park there. What do you think it's on land?

Yeah, you can't park your yacht. I can't pull that thing up into the backyard. Rough weather, collisions. Collisions. You're in the middle of the ocean, bro. Watch out. It counts with colliding to the land. Oh, all right.

Never seen a shipwreck. Age of the fleet. older yachts are more likely to sink, as you might know. Math checks out on that one. So you're just, you would just sail across the ocean blue? No, I don't think that's what I'm going to take. My only point was that it was very gracious to have six weekends per year. Al Borland and I, a couple years ago, we went in on a boat club.

So have you heard? I know you did. And how'd that work out? What kind of boats would you? So it was like renting a boat. Yeah. So up at the lake by us, there was a boat. There was a boat club where you could

Was it a yacht? No yachts No yachts He looked into it at the time There were really nice boats There's like you know You could have 20 people on a boat It's a double decker with a slide out the back

Or you could get a speed boat And it was only like 200 bucks a month As far as for a Compared to owning a boat Does that include rescue? It's a lake I can swim No rescue needed

No crashes We were 100% But my point is like How many times you take it out? Exactly three times and two years Like, I just, finding a time to go to the lake just never worked for my schedule. Because it's not worth it. A lake, to your point, it's not good enough.

It's just not good enough. The idea of having a boat and doing that, it's a lot of work. It's great when you got it and you're out on the lake. It's amazing. Yes. But it's a lot of, like, you'd rather just rent a boat. Oh, for sure. That's, I mean, owning a boat, like my wife wanted to get a boat.

And I'm like, you have so much startup money. Then you got to take care of it. Maintenance. And I'm not, I want to know, I will do none of that. That's what the club's about. I will wipe none of the things off the outside. You have to. I mean, the answer here is clearly a private jet.

For me, it's private jet. Once a month is nice. That'd be nice. I can make time for once a month and you know where I can go? Anywhere. I mean, most places. Not anywhere. Probably a thousand miles.

I was going to say, would you like, yeah, how far would you travel? I would travel as far as the gas tank allows. Oh, I would say. So, yeah, I guess that makes sense. I don't know. Can you do like a private jet from Phoenix to New York? I would think so. Okay.

Well, then great. That's all I need. New York, Florida, California. If you go overseas, they have to pull up a second jet next to you and you walk over to it to swap to the full one. Oh, it's not the executive decision. Jet comes in and refueles you? We could look into it. Real quick on the boats.

Do we have any other classification for boats as they get bigger? bigger than a yacht? No, no, no. There's the yacht the cap. You know, it's because you're like, you're like a two-person boat. And then you're like, I got this 20-person boat. Right, it doesn't feel like it's fair. You know what?

I got a car. I got a sedan. I got a minivan. Right. They definitely have different names for boats. We just don't know them. We just call them boats because other people will call all cars cars cars. But you'd be like, no, that's a sports car.

I've got bad news for you guys. Which one of us? For both of you. I'm quitting. There are different classes of boats based on size. No, that's great news. No, it's bad news because here's what the classes are. Booty McBoat face.

It's worse than that, Mike. You've got Class A, Class 1, Class 2, Class 2, Class... Get out of here. Call it a sedan or something. Come up with a cool name. Yeah, we don't have Class 1 cars, Class 2 cars. Yeah, that's stupid boat people. Respect your craft.

Respect the boat. Here's my only concern with the personal chauffeur situation, if I can speak properly. I would love that. I hate, I honestly would love to be driven everywhere that I ever go. It would make me want to go to restaurants that are in downtown or in, like, I don't like the driving to unknown areas for a long period of time. It's stressful. I don't like it. I would love the chauffeur.

I do worry I'd leave the dude sitting out front all that time. Like it would wear off. Like would I just, would you invent places you have to go? to feel like the dude's not just sitting there? That's his job, man. To sit in the car? Sit in the car? Oh, I would feel bad.

Read a book, watch a movie. He's got a phone that's got Netflix on it. He's living his life in there. I'd probably send him on little. Oh, you're going to make him an errand boy for his? Yeah, that's not a show for her. That's an assistant. Right.

Go pick up my dry cleaning. Do you want me to drive you there, sir? No, I want you to drive you there. Get out of the car. I won't be doing that. A mannequin of me would be put into the video. vehicle when he does the a manikin get out and do the air because i don't think it's going to work unless he's got a park and go do your bidding sir sir it's the mannequin again he got me yeah i'd be like

i would go out there and i'd get in i'd put the mannequin and then i'd sneak out how many times can you trick him and then i'd just get on the phone i'd keep the thing down and get on the phone oh like fierce be like yeah i'll be like yeah i'm back here good job i am totally in the back of this car want to waste his gas. Oh, yeah, maybe I should just let him sit up front. Keep driving. Sir, I can't drive anywhere. Keep driving.

You guys want to give some life advice? Go west. Sir, I'm parked. All right, we'll take a break. We'll jump into some life advice. Spitmallers to the rescue. Well, if you know anything about us after 313 magnanimous episodes. And that conversation we just had.

And that conversation. You know that we're in the business of. helping you improve your life, dishing out tough answers to tough questions. But we're willing to tell you the truth. And that's what we do here. Landon from Patreon, probably a really important question from Landon.

I've been parking in the same parking spot at a parking meter that has been broken for months. Now it's suddenly fixed and I have a ticket. How do I argue my case of historical precedent? Or do I just pay up and move on? And now it's suddenly. fixed. This was

how dare someone do their job. Yeah, this is you're on the hook, my man. I love the idea of you going to court on historical precedent. There might be a case

after a certain amount of time. Please. But you can't be historical precedent of it being broken. Historical precedent of like this was always a spot I was allowed

to park and it's fine. Historical precedent would be like I show up and I'm like I got away with 30 murder. That's exactly. You never caught me for any of those. Please go to the judge. No, I'm going to be the devil's advocate for you.

All right. Because I think if you have tried to apply this and you took it from, how long did he say? He said the months, months, right? Ten years. Ten years. Same parking spot. Same parking meter. Broken for 10 years.

Don't you have an argument against the city? Doesn't the city have an argument that you owe them a lot of money? Yeah. It's like, I don't want to bring that up. You just keep that on the hood. Yeah, you don't, you pay the fine and then move on. This is a risk reward. Yeah, you stole for a long time.

Like, yeah, you got away with it. You know, don't, what is it? Don't, uh, don't cry because it's gone. You know, like laugh because you got to enjoy it. Oh, ironically, that I think the quote you're looking for. Do I have it backwards? It's somewhat similar, but it does come from a doctor that's not a doctor. Really?

Yeah, I think so. What's the, what's the quote? Well, now that you said it wrong, I can't think of them. It's like don't be upset. It's over. Be happy that it happened or something. I don't know. You got Google right. I'm looking at it. I'm pretty sure I basically

said that. Close enough. But that's, so that's the answer. Yeah, no. Just be thankful for the time you didn't pay. Also. Now the ticket might amount to more than all the parking meter fees combined. That's the unfortunate part. Also now, Landon. Break it.

What do we think about parking? Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. because it's over. Smile because it happened. Yeah. Yeah. From a doctor that's not a doctor. What did I say? I was really close. Who's the doctor? Who's the doctor? Are you, oh.

I mean, who knows? We're all trying to figure out. What do we think of the parking meter thing? It feels antiquated to me. Like parking meters feel like, I don't know. It's like it's a city, right? Yes. It doesn't seem anti- It. I mean, the actual device could be antiquated, but that makes complete sense to me. There should be parking

meters for areas to incentivize people not staying past a certain time and to pay for... You've got to maintain the streets and everything. You guys are both big parking meter. Got it. I love it. But they're, I mean, they're no longer. Put your quarters in. Everything is now on the app. Is it a different cost

per class of car? Class one, class two cars, class three cars, class four cars? You're thinking of boats. Yeah. But if you do park a boat there, it's more expensive. It is. To pay five meters. Here's one thing, and I hate to admit this, but I have had this thought many times. And this reminds me of it. Like, you know the cameras, the speed cameras.

Yeah. They're going to catch you speeding. They're going to take your photo. You're going to get the ticket in the mail. And now I know at least where we live in Arizona, they've been found, I don't know, unlawful or something. Unconstitutional. And so they're not here anymore. but I never understood

like I hate them I hate them you know me I like to speed but why are those not allowed that should be totally allowed because you have to face your accuser they've got photogram I mean that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard

you're telling me we don't use video evidence in court you go to court sometimes you can't it's inadmissible I'm just saying it's so silly where it's like I have proof that you are breaking the law but do you?

Yeah. Did it malfunction? Yeah, is that, is it blurry? I mean, let's say it's a crystal clear picture of you. But let's say that you're like, no, the machine broke. Part of it is the subjectivity of speeding. Because there are situations where you're supposed to be going the flow of traffic. There are situations where you're supposed to be, maybe you're evading something that you need to evade.

The nuance is what breaks it a little bit. There is a controversy right now, a cash grab, some people are claiming, of people getting, they're getting tickets for passing school buses via video. So the school buses have video on them. And if they have their sign out, which you're supposed to stop behind us. And if anybody passes those, they are getting...

They're getting... They're getting sent... Like snapshoted and getting sent a ticket. Correct. I don't have a problem with that. You don't mind it. They should stop. If you have proof that they didn't stop...

They still have red light tickets. Yes. So apparently that one's okay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. it makes no sense. I think speeding is just a little more subjective than passing a 100% of people aren't supposed to pass that bus. 100% of people can't run a red light.

But some people can change their speed. Yeah, I guess that's, I guess that's fair. It is weirdly subjective. I guess they probably don't send them out unless you're way faster, though. It's so funny because, like, we've got to this point, I'm teaching my kids how to drive. And I'm like, you know, the first rule is you never go to speed limit. Like, it's dangerous.

It's if it's a 40 mile an hour, if it's 40 miles an hour, it is dangerous to drive 40 miles an hour. Because no one else on that road is driving 40 miles an hour. I tell them five over. And it's like, that's so dumb. Like what, we should have a speed limit that's like the speed you should drive. Almost like the word limit. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

But I feel like it would be better for a police officer to give someone a ticket driving 40 than 45. One is far more dangerous. There is, I've seen videos of police officers pulling over left lane. Yeah. People that are going to speed limit, but impeding traffic because it's the passing lane and because it's the fast lane. Yeah. And there's some areas that have minimums too. Really?

Yeah. There's speed limit and speed minimum. It's pretty rare, but I've seen. I mean, that's what they should literally just have speed minimum, speed limit. Too much. Too much for people. But then it's like, but you have to actually do that. Are there any speed limits with boats on the water?

No. You can't catch me. Uh-huh. With your boat club? I don't think there are. There are. Oh, I mean, there is in like the wake zone. In the harbor.

No, there's, there. Like if I'm on the ocean. There's individual, yes. If it's a lake, then the lake authorities set speed limits. Yes. Huh. Lake Tahoe has speed limits. So are they out there with the laser guns and everything?

Yeah. I don't believe. They're monitoring them. Yeah. Oh, they, they keep it locked down. They also put buoys that are related to speeds. So if you're within. five miles of shore, there's a speed limit that you must maintain.

Okay. It's a little more. By the shore makes sense. It's a little more free out there, but you do have to follow the rules. Yeah, but international waters, you're good, Jay. There are no laws. Open it up. Kelly from the website, my neighbor, oh, there's a good one.

My neighbor has a very loud wind chime that keeps me awake on windy nights. How do I get rid of it without a confrontation? The problem, Kelly, with trying to get rid of it without confrontation, is that she very likely, he or she who has the wind chime, will purchase another wind chime. Yeah, they'll put it back up. If you take it down, they'll get a new one. Unless you want to do this. I mean, three or four wind chimes break. Maybe they stop. That's fair. Drain their bank account. My wind chimes keep breaking. Now, but do you take the risk? Like, let's just play this out. Let's say that the avenue you want to go is I want to just get rid of that wind chimes. I want to break it. It's vandalism.

It's vandalism, right. It's, you know, a little B&E. Well, you, if you're on the property, right? Yeah. I think it is. I think if someone comes on my porch. If you jump someone's fence and you're in their backyard, is that a B&E? I think that's a B&E.

You didn't break nothing. That's a J&E. Yeah, I jumped. Wait, wait, what's the E part? Entry. Oh. Breaking an entry, right? Oh.

Breaking an entering. Papa just says just trespassing. So this would be jumping in entering. So trespass. You're just trespassing. Anyways, okay, so a little trespassing. You go on their porch. A little tee.

And you, you decide, I want to destroy this wind chime. Do you take the approach of the risk of getting caught walking to the windchime, going up, you know, maybe jumping that backyard fence and walking up the porch to take it down or to break it? Or do you try to do it from distance? Oh, distance would be like a BB gun and break all the little glass pieces? Maybe a frisbee. I figured it out. You jump the fence. You bring over some of that spray glue.

This thing ain't blown in the wind, man. You just spray every angle. And they never know. Yeah, they don't know it's not. Because it's there. Who's going up and hitting the wind shine? It's like it's a way can you at least just dampen the sound? Like, they're.

Just replace it with cotton swabs or what? Like where they hit. Yeah, just spray the thing, man. Spray glue makes a lot of sense to me. Now you do out to jump the fence to do. this. Yeah, I mean, it is. Or you could build a device.

Like a long tube? Yeah. You can build a device and get that applied over there. What if you fought fire with fire and you bought four wind chines? Bigger wind chimes? You're going to sleep poorly. For a bit, for a time. Or what if the neighbor loves it?

They're like, oh, I'm getting more too. Because they're into wind chines. Yeah, then you've started to be. I feel like there are people that are wind shining people and people that are. I think that is true. however. Are you wind chime people? We have a chime. All right.

So how loud is it? Are you, is this a letter from somebody you know? No, it is, it is, it's not egregious. Yeah, I don't think I would buy a wind chime. However, I kind of inherited a place that had wind chimes before I got there. And you're feeling it. You're feeling them. I love them.

Yeah, wind chimes are great. And it's funny because I can hear them when I like them. But it doesn't bother me. I guess I'm a wind chime person. You don't have to have really loud ones, but just a little bit of... Can you check under your hat real quick, Jay? Oh, no. Is there something underneath your hat?

Let me just see. Point the hat towards me. Oh, you took the piece of paper out of the hat. Because there's some plastic on the front of the hat still. Oh, look at that. And I didn't know if you had pulled a new hat out. I did pull a new hat out. And I missed a piece of plastic.

Thanks. I was just so hopeful that the big cardboard piece was on the inside of the hat. I think I would feel that. You love wind chimes too? Pop a John? I do, man. There are some really good quality sound and wind chimes out there.

It feels good, man. It's good energy. Could anybody program a wind chime to play a song? Of course. You could? No. Like the theme from Lord of the Rings. If it was hit,

if the wind hit it, it would proceed through sounds? That's got to be a wind chine. That's a hard. I thought you meant just like make sure that there are all the notes so it's like it could be a familiar melody. I know you can play like, Like, you know, the ball rolling down the hill hitting chimes to play a whole song.

That's just not a win. You ever seen the, I don't know. I remember which country did it, but they put essentially, I think it was to help with speeding. Like they put a bunch of raised portions. Oh, not a speed bump, you know, just like a tiny little thing. Yeah, the cut out divvits, but it plays songs. And if you're going the proper speed, then it will do the frequencies and it will play a song. Yeah.

That's fun. Yeah. I want to go there. speed? That's amazing. That would get you to go. He'd try to play it in 2x. This song sounds way better sped up. You would just try to get it on beat, which is out of respect. Have you guys seen the parking lots that have speed bumps that aren't speed bumps?

They just paint a yellow strip. Oh, to pump fake you? You. It works, man. You slow down, but then it's nice. You roll over and you're like, okay. see that they were cutting grooves, tons of little grooves into intersections now because of these takeovers that are happening where people are spinning the cars out in intersections. Have you seen that? No, is that like a new thing? No, that's a thing that people. Just doing donuts in the middle of it?

A whole group of people with their cars will go and spin donuts and take over an intersection. They're called intersection takeover. That's not a thing? And now they're having to take by the cities are buying giant machinery to cut grooves so that these. spinning won't work. Can we stop? Go Google it. This is why we can't have nice things.

Why do people suck? Yeah, it's a thing. And now the cities are having to pay money. Oh my gosh. You see it? Yeah. L.A. I think is where they're happening. No.

Fort Wayne as well. The first one I see is pumping the brakes on intersection takeovers in the valley. So that's here. Yeah. It's local. It's everywhere, man. Take them over. Just take them over and spin around.

Oh my gosh, the video of this is insane. Yeah. There's just someone. They're just doing donuts? Just doing donuts on an intersection. How do they not get caught? So now they're having to cut up the intersections so that those aren't viable. I'm guessing, unless you had a cop just sitting there, like you could do that for a while and then leave and be fine.

This is just weird. What's your goal? To be an idiot. Your goal is just be obnoxious? Wow. That's so bizarre to me. So bizarre. All right.

I think it's probably. time to jump into our draft. Oh, not a doctor. Let's take a break first. The Spitballers draft. For whatever reason, I was so close to not remembering that there was a back end to that ad break music. And I almost just. Oh, brings us back in.

All right, we are drafting doctors that aren't doctors. And Jason, with his beautiful, amazing scat, earned himself the number one spot in the draft. So batter up. Yeah, I'm not sure this is the bad. draft to have the 101, but... Oh, it's the best. You think so? No.

Okay. Yeah. I don't know. You know, there's a lot of a lot. I've got at least 15, 16 doctors on my list here. My list is so big. But I don't want you to forget about this guy. Yeah, okay.

Okay. It seems like the number one. I think it's the one-on-one. It's Dr. Dre. Yes. Okay. Everybody forgot about Dre. And he's doing all right for himself now.

So the doctor. Okay. All right. You don't like Dr. I like it. No, it's fine. It's fine. It was one of my like, you know, like if in smash glass picks. Oh, that's top of the list.

Yeah. Let's hear this great doctor who's not a doctor, Andy. I only got one pick right now, right? So I'll go with Dr. Seuss. Dr. Seuss is the number one pick. That was my number two. So, and also that is the quote. Yeah, that's why I figured that out halfway through.

Wow. I'm going Dr. Seuss. Okay. Well, there, I'm a little surprised you bypass this one, so I'm going to take it. There is a man in a very famous trilogy. In that show, in that movies, he's just called Doc. Oh, my gosh. Whoa, he's not on my list.

Because he's Dr. Emmett Brown, baby. Oh, my gosh. Honestly, I invented time travel. I will, I'll be honest with you. I did not think that that one was allowed. Oh, no, that's, he's a scientist. He's a scientist. He's a scientist.

He's actually a doctor, though, in the show. What? He's a scientist. In the move? What doctor? A doctor? A scientist? A doctor? Yeah, scientist. He practices with his degree. Science. I'm so confused. Dude, that's a great. That's a great pick. That's a great pick. We're on the same page. Doc Brown. Yeah. I mean, okay. Yeah. He's not, he's not doing medicine. He's doing time travel.

Yeah. And then the next one. Medical doctors who aren't real doctors. So you only meant doctors that don't practice medicine. Maybe you should have Hold me that. Okay. New draft. It says it right there, doctors that aren't doctors. Yeah, there you go.

That is what that means. Anyone have a doctor here? No. I mean, Emmett Bram would not stand up. No, he would not. No, I can't give you the heimlet. I can fix the plane. Right.

Do you need to go back in time? All right. A man. Where am we going to go here? No. If he picks the best medical doctor right now, I'm going to lose my line. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. No.

Funny enough, this character is also in a trilogy. And he's always, he's trying to get either a million dollars or a hundred million dollars. He puts the pinky up. It's Dr. Evil, baby. Very good. Okay, couple movie characters. Yeah. Nice.

Dr. Brown, Dr. Evil. Pretty sure he was a real medical doctor, though. So, I mean, I never saw him prescribe, but just has that aura about him. Dr. Pepper. Oh, no. That was my next pick. That was my next pick for sure. Is that because it comes in a can?

The Dr. Pepper. The Dr. Pepper people, by the way, voracious. I have, I just had this conversation with my daughter, too, because. Nobody kind of likes Dr. Pepper. My children. Or you don't drink it. My children are Dr. Pepper people. They are. And, like, one of my best friends is Dr. Pepper person.

Are they Mr. Pib people? I thought you were going to say one of my best friends. It's Dr. Pepper. There's got to be someone out there, right? There has to be someone out there who's a last name is Pepper. Of course. Who got a doctorate and he's Dr. Pepper. Now, is he an MD?

Does he have to like pay to put his sign up? You know, like, I'm sorry, that's trademarked. It's a cease and decision. I would be making my wordmark look so similar to the can. Oh, for sure. Come to Dr. Pepper's. But the Dr. Pepper people are. They're outrageous.

You're weirdos. You've read Hot Dr. Oh, that's the next level of those weirdos. Hot Dr. Pepper. All right. Two picks, Mr. Dre. It is good, though. Hot Dr. Pepper.

It's not that bad. I mean, it's full of sugar. Like, of course, it's going to taste good, but. But it's hot in a, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they use it in a, uh, crock pot. Is hot Coke. Not good? Yeah, hot Coke.

Hot Pepsi. Probably. Oh, that's weird. I thought you just stopped short on saying cocoa. You're saying hot Coca-Cola. I'm like, hot cocoa is great. What are you talking about? You're so, hot Coke, uh, you know, I don't remember the rest of the word.

Dr. Dr. Dre's your first pick. You get two in a row, Jason. All right. Uh, I've got a. real person and Dr. Dre. I'm going to go with a superhuman person for my next one. I'm taking Dr. Strange.

I'm going to travel in time. I am the most, what do you call it, uneducated person on the planet about who Dr. Strange is. Oh, really? You never saw in the movies? You never got down with the multiverse of madness? So I never saw any of his movies. The Doctor Strange movies.

I've seen the Avengers. the Avengers where he's in him and he's doing stuff and I don't know what he's doing. It's funny because if you haven't seen the Sorcerer Supreme. The Doctor Strange movies, his character is probably super weird in the Avengers.

I did see a video of him filming that movie and trying. Landing on the snow? Trying to be, and it took him hours because he couldn't land it without slipping on the snow. Which for the people at home,

they're like, it was a real doctor. Yes. He was a medical doctor. At one point, and then he broke his hands and then he became the Sorcerer Supreme. It's no longer a doctor.

Yeah, I mean, He's not taking any... He's living in the past. He's not taking any new clients. You cannot see him anymore. And he cannot handle this trail. I don't get it! And we are...

We're locked in. I know. That's what makes me... It makes me feel stupid. It's just doctors who aren't doctors. That's all it is. Um, if he's got a doctor in his name... They are.

He's not practicing medicine. It's doctors who aren't practicing medicine and can't... And don't practice medicine. That's what it is. But if they... Oh, no. But they are... But they are...

got a good point. If he were on a plane and someone said it was a doctor on board, he would stand up. He would stand up. He would stand up. Yeah, buddy. But to be fair, to be fair, if they were on a plane, he would never fly. And you said, is there a doctor on board, Tony Stark would stand up?

No. Oh, he would. Tony Stark would say, I got this. No, but he would say, I got this. Look, you just said on a plane, is a doctor on board? You're ruining the argument. And he stands up. We were locked in.

is now saying I'm not in this draft. He stands up and goes, don't draft me. Okay, so is Sorcerer Supreme gone? Do I need to pivot to a different doctor? Let these guys decide. I don't really care. The judge's inducer's alley, you guys get to decide. Dr. Strange counts or doesn't?

Doesn't? He's an actual doctor. Yeah. I was fine with him moving on, but since we, earlier in the show, set the bar. As long as you trip over your own stupid rules sometimes. No, I mean, look, rules are rules. I'm happy to abide by it. All right.

Who's the next one? Well, you got to do two more. Yeah, I got to do two more. I'm going to go Dr. J. Dang it. Dr. Julius Irving, famous basketball player. It's great. I wanted him.

It also rhymes with Dr. Dre. So you have Dr. Gray and Dr. Jay, Dr. Dre. I should have had Dr. Seuss because it would have been a theme, you know. He likes to rhyme. Andy didn't get it. I didn't think Seuss rhymed with Jay or Dre. So I was confused. Everybody got it.

No. All right. So I got. I got one more pick here. He's a doctor at dunk. And. Your prescription. I'm going to.

Postorized. All right. Since I can't take Tony Stark. Are you out? I can't take Tony Stark. He's not Dr. Stark. No. He's not Dr. Iron Man.

But I can get Dr. Doolittle. So there we go. I get Robert Downey Jr. Does he Dr. Doolittle? Yes. He was Dr. Anybody watched that movie?

Nobody saw it. Oh, you were the one. At home, no, at home. Okay. This was streaming. Oh, who's typing these in? My favorite part is he spelled his name D-O-O-Space Little. It's not due little.

Dr. Do-Little. He does nothing. He does Jack Squat. Josh, I don't think he is actually a vet. Oh, no. Wait, a vet's not a doctor. But did he have a doctorate and then transition to animals? Because then...

We're going to let him go. Let it go. All right. He's not real because animals can't talk. He's pretend we'll let it happen. You know that Dr. Strange doesn't have magic, right? Anyways. Like, who, why would you name your character Doolittle?

Because that's the joke that they do little. Is it? It's funny. Yeah. Dr. Doolittle. He's like, ha, that guy who talks to animals. That's funny? When it was invented, that was what funny was.

That must be an old character. My selection here, I will go with one of my favorite characters on any movie ever and historically, mostly how he's portrayed in movies. I'm going Doc Holiday. Okay. I'm going Doc Holliday into Gunsling. Oh my gosh, I would have taken him for sure. He wasn't on a list. What a great pick.

Doc Holliday? Yeah, yours talks to raccoons and stuff. Mine, OK Corral. Doc Holliday. Oh, baby. Great pick. See, you act like you don't understand this draft. You're doing great.

All right. Dang it. Yeah, I think he got that name because at one point in time he did some dental work. There ain't no way that's a, he ain't no practicing medicinal doctor. Also, a dentist is not standing up. No. If they stand up, sir, you need to sit down immediately. You need to jump off the plane.

This man's heart is stopped. He doesn't have a cavity. He couldn't help his own tuberculosis. I know that. Yeah. Yeah. He needed a doctor. He's just a doc

I'm you Huckleberry All right Mike two picks Dr. Brown, Dr. Evil so far So This guy Definitely not a doctor Just masqueraded as one

At one point in his career Because he's a plumber Oh yeah What was that all about? Yeah What is like Nintendo? What are you doing? We got this plumber

He goes to Mushroom Kingdom he says the princess. Oh, also he's a doctor. What is that? They, you know, they took liberties. Yeah, they did. Also rides a dinosaur. Yeah, that's fair. Mike, one more. But that's in a different land.

With a long tongue. Yeah. With a voracious appetite. Mike, you have one more pick. I get one more pick. Oh, man. Man. I'm seeing a theme here.

It's a lot of bad guys. Oh, the doctors are evil? A lot of bad guys. Like Dr. Evil? I've got a few. I'm going to go away. You know where you're going now. Yeah, I'm going to take that one.

I'm going to, it's the, the minute. I'll get you next time. Dr. Claw? Go, Dr. Claw, baby. That's good. That's very good. That inspector gadget. He was always up to his no good hijinks.

Is it back to me? Yes. Oh, man. That's impressive. You do a good, Dr. Claw. I'm also the diamond in the rock. KBB. All right.

Dr. Seuss, Dr. Pepper, Doc Holiday. And you know what? Just because it'll annoy you guys, this will give me no votes, maybe from the... It will only annoy me if they would stand up as a doctor. Is Doc Gooden?

I'm taking Doc Gooden, famous pitcher of the New York Mets. Oh, never heard of them. Yeah, if I had a cricket sound effect, I would play it. It brings me more joy that you haven't because you're both so stupid. Was he playing with old curly mustache guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doc Gooden's a pick. Oh, okay. Is he playing with Babe Ruth? I said I didn't expect either of you to appreciate it. I just thought you meant Mike and I wouldn't appreciate it. Not that no one on the planet Earth. Well, Doc's ancestors, they really like it.

Doc Gooden pitched when we were growing up. Gruncle probably loves that pick. That's for gruncle. All right, round it out, Jay. Who do you have? All right. Well, right now I've got Dr. Dre, Dr. J and Dr. Doolittle. I'm deciding between two here.

But I'm going to take the heart wants what the heart wants. It's. It's really similar to Andy's and that it's not a vote getter. But I was a humongous animaniacs fan growing up. I'm taking Dr. Scratch and Snobes. Dr. Otto Scratch and Sniff. Oh, baby. I don't know who that.

You just insulted me for no one knowing who you're talking about. Mike knows every reference known to man. Mike doesn't know who it is. I don't know the name. Let me look it up. It's probably 50%. What animal is it? It's not an animal.

It's a man. Oh, no, no. I know this is. Yeah. I didn't know his name was Dr. Scratch and Sniff, but I know who he is. You and animaniacs were a mad to me. Heaven, maniax was sensational. Spielberg.

I mean, this draft, this draft did fall apart. Josh's top tier. Just so I have an answer over there. It's between Scratch a sniff and Dr. Scholes. Oh, Dr. Sholes. Dr. Sholes, I think, was a real doctor. Yeah, but I'm taking the brand. Yeah. Brand's not a doctor.

Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Who? Dr. Frankenstein. Oh, Dr. Who? Yeah. Oh, Bivably, big man. I didn't watch the show. I chose Doc Gooden because I know him. I never saw Dr.

I thought about. I thought about taking it for the vote. My wife watched it. I knew that would be a huge vote getter, but I've never seen it. I had Dr. Robotnik. Yeah. Dr. Doofenschmertz. Who's that?

From. Brother of Scratch and stuff. No, that's Finnees and Furb, man. Oh, okay. That's a good name. That's a good name. Some doctors have weird names. And then Dr. Roxel.

Okay. Dr. Frankenstein. Is that a doctor? Is that a real doctor? I mean, he was a- He wasn't the monster. And then Dr. He did bring someone to life, though.

Dr. Moreau? That's more of a mortician. Dr. Dr. Moreau, the island of Dr. Murrow. Yeah.

So you're a real doctor? I don't think so. He's a scientist. Ah, whatever. Yeah. So yeah. Anybody we forgot back there, do sir? I'm sure.

Dr. Doom, Mike? Yeah, he is on the list. He is on my list. Yeah, that's better than good. Anybody called just the doc? Doc. Also, Dr.

Dr. Brown? Is Dr. Who an actual doctor? No. I don't know. I've never watched the show. Did you watch Doctor Who, Josh? No, I've never seen it.

Who is watching Doctor Who? My wife. Oh, everybody. Everybody that I don't know. Everybody in Britain. Everybody in Britain. It's a British show. I know people are watching.

Yeah. It's very, very popular. But I don't know who they're. And there's like a butgillion episodes, right? Yeah, and there's different doctors. They've had like, actors changed. Yeah, because that's how old the show is. They've had like ten of them.

What did we learn today? Oh my gosh, so much. I learned so much about how little I know about how to draft. I learned that you can get a speeding ticket on a lake. And I learned we need to fix the doctorate versus doctor issue. Yeah. Let's get our top people on this. I still think the non-MDs need just lowercase letters in front because they'll never claim it.

Oh, it's embarrassing. Yeah. Goodbye. everybody goodbye good bye bye see you next week thanks for listening

to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com Thank you.