Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Happy Hugs & Things That Start with ‘P’ - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 12, 2026

Spit Hit for June 11th, 2026:  We discuss some would you rather questions before educating people on the difference between things like cleaning up and straightening up. Then Owl joins us for a draft of the best things that start with ‘P’! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A doodily ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, da bing de bing de bing-bing. All right. Oh, man, bringing the sweet stuff. Wow. It's been a while since I could be, you know, even halfway proud of us. scat. I feel like if

I feel like if you were musically inclined, which you're not. Thanks. If you were... Play guitar, but whatever. If you were someone more bluesy, more jazzy, who could... Who just like they're...

You know, they can scat. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no. Like they can skit. Like Mike. I think that they would say, that was average. That's not bad. Oh, okay, good. And so that's pretty darn good. If a musically inclined person says that I'm average, that's good. know your daughter is here sitting in. Was she part of the inspiration to do not your worst job? Yeah, I don't want her to be embarrassed of me completely.

I will do my best to embarrass him for you. Okay, I will try to make you proud of me. And if you're watching the Spitballers podcast on YouTube, you'll notice a large cardboard bear. Yeah. as Mike is not here today. Mike is not here, but the show must go on. So we've got a two-man spit, but it's kind of a three-man spit, right? We got Al Borland over there, and he is going to draft with us today.

He is. He's going to take Mike's place in the draft, so we will still have a normal, full-scale draft. And we are drafting things that start with the letter P. Yes, yes. Start formulating those in your head right now. Yep, no, that's good. We'll kick it off right now.

Would you rather? This one already cuts too deep. Heather from Patreon, which would you rather be? The know-it-all, the constant interrupter. Hmm. Or the one-upter. Oh, man. That one is out.

The one upper? The one upper? The one-upper is the worst. The one-upper, the person that just can't ever not be. best in every conversation. That is rough. It's just like, oh, you don't even want to talk to that person. Yeah, that one is rough. I mean, I feel like, I feel like it's a version of the know-it-all. In some ways, because the know-it-all is always going to bring up their stuff. Right.

And why they know it. That's like a slice of the one-upper. A slice of the one-upper is a no-it-all. But the one-upper is like, it's not just knowledge. It's what I have. It's what my house looks like. it's what I can do. You know how many push-ups I can do? That's the worst. Do you know how many push-ups I can do? Do you? No.

How many can you do? 25. I can do 30. Yeah. It's like no matter what. I can do better than you, no matter what. That's rough. That's rough.

I mean, I've been around a couple of people that everyone else knows them as the know-it-all. Right. Yeah. And that is like where, we all make eye contact every time it happens. Yeah. Like that situation. Yeah.

Yeah. And, uh, I think we might know some of those people. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's like, okay. I, I now know more than one of those people. Um, but those, those can kind of, you can kind of do like a, a happy eye roll to that kind of person because it's like, it doesn't make them unlikable. Right.

It just makes it kind of like. It depends on how they approach their know at all. It's a salt situation. Some people who are know-it-alls genuinely just believe they know everything. So it's just... And it's an innocent... It's an innocent know-it-all. I mean, obviously there's the egotistical know-it-all that you just don't...

It's just as bad as the one-upper. But the interrupter... I don't mind... I don't know, man. The interruptors... It's something I, as a host, am super conscientious about. And guilty of. Like, I, I, it's hard because when I host the footballer show and it's like, I feel this sense of moving the show along, but then I sometimes break in when I wish I wouldn't have.

And it's like, so I live in this 10 year period of time where that is genuinely like, I think I had a note card sitting next to my desk like a little sticky note for like a six month period that just said shut up. Because sometimes I over talk. Yeah. I mean, we've all read the comments. And what's funny is I've seen the comments of Andy, you interrupt Jason all the time. And I don't ever feel that. Like ever. I've never looked back and felt like.

That means a lot to me. I've never been like, I mean, you feel so guilty all the time. No, that's, those aren't my burner phones. My therapist will be so happy. What if you found out? What if you found out? You had left the comments? I'm the one leaving the comments because I'm trying.

You know I avoid altercation and confrontation. So I'm just going with burner phones. like Andy stop interrupting Jason. Are you also all the comments that are like Jason, great job on the weight loss. Yo, Jason, you look amazing. Looking good, man. Looking good. Andy shut up. That would be so funny though.

No, I have no burner accounts yet. I'm looking into it. I think it's a pretty good idea. But no, I've literally never felt like, I mean, maybe one moment here or there, but that's just life. I don't ever feel like you have an interruptic problem. You're the host, especially on the football. footballers. Like here we all interrupt each other whenever we have anything to say or think and it doesn't matter.

It is one of the things that people are. I was in the middle of talking. Oh, yeah, I knew that was coming. It is one of the things people have said about this show and footballers is that like when they compare it to other shows or one of the reasons they like it, they often say like, how do you guys know or even on phone calls? Like we've had calls with like advertisers and stuff. We kind of know where each other are going to speak and we don't generally talk over. each other too much. No, when we've done literally multiple thousands of shows together, I hope we've gotten to the point where we can know when we're going to talk and know where

we're going to go. So the constant interrupter. I think that's at the bottom. Meaning that's the one you would rather be? Well, yeah, I think so. I'm going to take the know-it-all. Okay. You want to be the know-it-all? Yeah, if I have to be one of these people, I don't mind to being interrupted. It just has never really irked me or bothered me, but I do mind the interrupter in groups. I feel bad for other people. When I, when, you know, when there's four or five of us and one person is just steamrolling everything, I'm really annoyed, not ever when they steamroll me, but when they steamroll others, I'm just like, let some people breathe. I don't want to be that person. Some people can't, they don't have enough gusto to break through that person. Right.

People have social skills to like, or I'm going to come right back and I'm going to take over the conversation. Some people, it's like, don't make their two shots. They'll get interrupted. They're done for the night. It's really funny and sad and whatever. But it's there are people that can't have silence. They can't. They feel like if they're in a group and there is a moment of silence, everyone is let down and they have to say something. They have to speak. But then there are the people in that same group that they can't speak until there is a real moment. moment of silence and now they recognize I'm allowed to talk. And so you put those two people together and I just feel bad. I do not want to be the, so I'll be the no at all. And I

will just make fun of myself for how brilliant I am. All right. We'll move forward here. Tommy from Patreon writes in it, would you rather question, would you rather have calories not count in the car or on the couch? Oh, man.

Well, I mean, I mean, I feel like everyone in the world would choose the couch. That was what I immediately thought. I immediately was like, well, this is the dumbest question. And then I thought. Yeah, tell me. The drive-through. Are you kidding me?

Oh, no. They don't even count. They don't count. Do you? Oh, my gosh. I'm broke. I'm broke. Okay, because I will never, ever drive home or to work.

I'm going to filiburto's on the way to work. I'm getting a carneasada burrito with a horchata. I'm finishing down the car. I mean, all your way home. I'm going to, on the way. I mean, this is amazing. Yeah, I was like, wait, I don't really eat in the car. I don't.

I eat on the couch. Al, would you still be full from the meals you eat in the car? Yeah. Okay, so you'd still be full, but then if the calories don't count, you do need some calories to live. Well, right. So you'd have to eat at home a little bit. Oh, my gosh. This is, this is, even getting better.

This is gorgeous. I mean, when you read it, I had the exact same thought of you. Like, oh, the couches. I think I'm still taking the couch. Because to me, the calories that I care the most about would be that like the two hours of desserts. You are such an ice cream couch, man. Yes, I would like. You want to plow through pints.

I don't think about it this way. Okay. We have the would you rather, would you rather have the calories not count in the car on the couch? How much would you pay for either of these? Like in monetary value. Oh, man. To be able to unlock this. Like it's a video game and you get to unlock a skill.

If I could unlock the ice cream on the couch, that feels. like one of the things I'd ask a genie for if I found a magic lamp. It feels like you would be cheating the I mean if I could have a pint of hog and dyes on the couch every night in it and not end up. So Al, we need we need one more point of clarification here. That's what I'm here for. If we eat them and they don't have calories,

do they, are they negatively affecting? Like obviously if I eat, you know, fast food every day, deep fried. Oh, heart attack. Seed oils, all that stuff. We're going to assume they have no negative health effect. Yeah. Oh, baby! I think that's fair. How much would I spend? I would spend, I would spend $2 million. I would, I would, I would work my, I would work my took us off. You grind it to

find out. For as long as it took to get, like, I don't, I don't have a goal of earning $2 million right now. I don't have, I like it that way. That would be great to have $2 million. I don't have that as a goal. This is the thing standing between you and earning $2 million is, that's exactly right, Andy. The thing standing between me and and earning two million is something worth $2 million. It would be so amazing to feel that love of love. Oh my gosh.

I would rob a bank. I mean, if I had to rob a bank, I would rob. Why are you doing this, sir? Why did you do this? Did you not know? Did you hear about this perk? For $2 million, you can have all you can drive through without. And the problem then is I'm broke because I spent $2 million on it.

Oh, yeah, you don't have the money for the drive-thru. But the nice thing is the worst things to eat are usually like that dollar men. you. Right. They're just garbage. Yeah, that's not going to set you back too much. No. Oh, man, I'm definitely taking the car. Yeah, you're taking the, you, you, in your earlier days, I will have a 13th. Free health kick. You, you were a car guy. I loved it, man. I was a, I was a shameful, you know. Double dinner. A dinner on the way home, have to get out, throw that bag away, you know, on the drive up. Oh, good. The cans are on the street. Let me just stop right here. Throw that jack in the box bag and the garbage and then pull in. And, and,

Hope doesn't smell my breath. Is that curly fries? Yes, it is. And tacos, deep fried. All right. Yeah, I'm doing the ice cream couch. Before we move on, I got to confess, because I know some of the loyal spitwads are going to come after me here.

Okay. But Tommy wrote this question in. I thought it was a great question. And so I searched our historical, Would You Rather questions, and we'd never discussed this. But we did on episode 226. I'm just realizing we drafted best places to have calories not count. Oh.

And the couch. The couch was the 101. Car made it all the way to 202. Oh, man. Wow. Wow. I hope it was me that got it at the 202. That's funny.

Yeah, you guys were discussing this. I was like, that sounds so familiar, but I had searched and we hadn't done it, but we did it in a draft. This is a good opportunity to tell the spitwads out there that have been listening for now 329 episodes plus. Like, it's hard to find new questions. This is why we love the. those that go to join the spit.com that are part of the community that submit questions or that submit them on Twitter, wherever. Like, Al keeps a document that somehow he can find over 329 shows what questions we have

answered. There was a, there was a show about three weeks ago, and he was in a time crunch. I'm like, don't you worry about it. I'll take care of this show doc for you. And I filled out a show doc. And I didn't check that thing. Yeah, you asked another question that we have already done. And apparently I answered it different this time.

Yeah, like it was the, you know, we all change. We grow. We do. We evolve. Yeah, it was probably about early mornings or hiking or something like that. Oh, man. All the sudden, I can't wait for the museums. All right, George from the website, would you rather full sprint anywhere you travel on foot?

And so if you get winded, you have to wait until you catch your breath enough to sprint more. So you have to sprint. Okay. Which is a funny thing to think about, like if you have to sprint. or do the heel to toe walk so that's the field sobriety test so are you okay anywhere you travel that means you touch you're not you're not rolling from heel to toe

you have to put the you have to put the the heel of your left foot touching the toe of your right foot it's like you're walking on the line right yeah so that one's exceptionally slow I mean think I'm trying to think through this when is the last time genuinely genuine question. We're in our early 40s.

Sprinted. When is the last time you sprinted? All out as fast as you could sprint. Even a short distance. All out? Yeah. Probably when we did the combine. Yeah.

I mean, that was our show. There's a trend. I saw Jason do it yesterday when Andy hit a really short pickleball shot when Jason was at the back of the court. Oh, does that count? Because full sprints and pickleball, I think that happens. He did full sprint. Yeah, okay.

All right. There's a trend right now. I don't know if you knew this over on Instagram where a husband and wife, they take turns filming each other doing a full sprint on the street. Because it's basically like neither of us have ever seen each other run at full speed. So it's a side view of the husband and the side view of the wife at full speed. And they're funny, man. Because people don't.

You're right. You hit a wall once you're done with PE, I guess. And you don't sprint. One of the health people that I watch and listen to a podcast, they talk about like, don't stop sprinting. Yeah, that's valuable. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean, like go and sprint. Go to a grassy field and just do some sprints. Yeah.

And so, yeah. I think people say that if you, rather than jog, if you just walk and occasionally do a sprint, it's way better than jogging. But on this question. But then you have to sprint, you see. This question is you have to sprint everywhere you go. So a normal day-to-day life. That's the thing. Normal day-to-day life is way better to sprint than heel-to-to-to-walk.

Okay, I'm going to go to my car to go to work. I'm going to go, you know, it's not that big a deal. Okay, I run to my car. I would rather do that than slowly walk. But it's the other areas. You're going to Europe. Exactly. You're going to visit Europe for the first time with your family.

Heal to toe all of Europe? Sprint, all of Europe? Both are bad. walking all day. I will die. One of those I can handle. So which would you choose in Europe? You'd do the heel to toe? Yeah, I would do the heel to toe. You're going to need to book about another three months in Europe to see it all at that case.

We're going to the Louvre. I can't just sprint the Louve. But you could sprint from spot to spot, can't you? And then observe it and enjoy it. Yeah, I guess what. Which one looks dumber in public? Well, one makes you look like you are drunk. Like if you're doing the heel to toe, it looks like The other looks like you're a frantic weirdo

Yeah, yeah If I saw someone sprinting around Honestly, you think they're doing something I would much rather see a heel to toe walk Right? Even if I assume that they've been inebriated, I would much rather that Because the other person is like I'm crossing The street, I'm getting on the other side of the street

To avoid him because he's psycho, he's on Some hallucogenic. That's a good question Because both are real bad It seems. But day to day I'd rather sprint. I can sprint from my house to the car. I can sprint from the car to the office. And there's advantages to this. There's health perks. True. True. There's no

health perks on the heel to toe. Nen. All right. We're sprinters. Okay. We got time for one more. We want to move on now. Let's do one more. All right. Noah from the website, would you rather have your hugs make people magically happier? Yes. Your handshakes make people magically more confident. Definitely not.

Or your high fives magically give people a boost of energy and adrenaline. Now see, this one's tough because the second two are very cool, but I think we're going to prioritize happiness. I don't know that happiness is more important. So imagine the high fives, right? A boost of adrenaline or energy. Now, we play a lot of pickleball, right?

You're on the court. You make a good shot. You would start incorporating. Like, we do the paddle tap. Yeah, we'd high five. We would high five. Yeah, get a little boost. I mean, now you're talking about winning tournaments that you don't belong in.

Maybe if your serves were going sideways, I'd give you a handshake. Oh, for the confidence. For the confidence. If I did serve bad and you wanted to shake my hand, I'd be like, you're a weirdo. Stop it. But hugs making people happier. Not everybody wants a hug, but you... Not everybody wants a hug.

Do you force them into a hug to make them happier? That seems illegal. Well, I mean, it's obviously you've got a number. know these people. There are people who might not want a hug that I know need a hug and it would be appropriate and okay in that situation to come up and give them a hug. I would say, so Papa Josh forces people to hug him and eventually we just all accept it. Yeah, we, we, we, he is like, he's broken through. He's a great example. Papa Josh hugs everyone at the office. Does it make us happier? Not every day, not every moment. Are we happier because of it? No. No. He does not

have this power. No, he doesn't. I like a good hug and sometimes I love a good Papa Josh thought. He's sometimes you'll volunteer one to him. I absolutely. Yeah, just get it out of the way. But I think if you actually could make people happier with a hug because think about when you hug someone, right? Sometimes it's just. Oh yeah, you need it. But a lot of times when you're actually doing this maneuver, when you're doing a hug maneuver, it is to console. It is to cheer up. Let me ask you something though. Okay. How does that work? Because, like, if you went to a funeral.

Mm-hmm. And it's a great question. The widow's there and she lost her husband. Maybe it's an aunt or uncle, whatever. You go over and give them a hug. Yep. Does that work? Absolutely, it does.

So it's comforting? Happy year. That doesn't make them happy. It doesn't make them not more sad. Okay. I'm not taking away their mourning, but I'm making them happier. That's like the crim della crim. That's the place I need to do it.

Oh, so you'll go to funerals that you don't even know the people now. If you had this power, you'd probably start Nope. No? Because I don't want to hug people, I don't know. Oh. You know what I mean? Even if you had the power? If I had the power, maybe I would open a funeral home. Okay. You know, if I'm the worker, if I'm in charge and I can, I'm meeting these people and I'm there to console, okay, if I'm just a random person showing up at

funerals hugging people, I don't know. Eventually I think flags are raised. But the handshake thing, that is a backfire. Because handshake is a power move. Oh, right, because you're the strong handshake, so you're the confident one. So you be giving somebody more power. I don't want to give them confidence. I want a handshake and make them coward. I want a handshake and feel more confident myself.

I don't want them. It's a good point. Yeah. So that one's out. O-U-T. Do you feel like the people, like, do they instantly feel happier and know it's you? Or do they just have like a sense like, man, that just for some reason? I think they might have loved that hug and they might appreciate it.

that hug. But they're not crediting you with like, not a one to one. You gave me happiness. It's more of an, I don't know why. I just feel better today. Yeah, exactly. That's definitely the one I'm taking. Okay. And so then the, uh, but I hope you take the adrenaline, uh, high five for the sake of our sports. For our pickleball. All right, I'll do it. All right. All right. We'll take a break. We'll do some what's the difference. And there's a button for that. What's the difference between me and you? If, if you haven't listened to the show, one of our strengths is we know the difference between things. Yeah.

super well. Jason knows metal and then we all collectively know the difference between things. So we try to help out. What is the difference between cleaning up, straightening up, and tidying up. Yeah, I mean, they all sound the same. Obviously, they're not. Or there wouldn't be different words. Yeah, there's a difference. There's a difference. And we're here to say what the difference is. Straightening up to me feels like the fastest. Uh-huh. Because you got to straighten up real quick. The in-laws are coming over. You don't got time to clean for sure Well cleaning is the biggest Like there's no doubt

You know when I tell someone If I'm talking to my child I say clean your room And they're like what? Yeah And then I'm like What I really mean is just pick it up Right

I don't actually mean clean your room Clean your room is get out the windex Okay Get out the Lysol or whatever you're using We're dusting And you can't straighten up a spill No So you clean up a spill

Correct Straightening up in my opinion and I'm going to throw it out here. You never remove something or throw it away. Straightening up is just getting things in order. Boom! Right? Boom, baby!

You can't throw something away. You can't. No, you're just organizing it. Okay. It's like this looks better straightened up. Cleaning up requires a device or a product. Okay. You cannot do it with just your two hands.

You can't clean with just your two hands. That seems fair. You need a broom? You need a spray bottle or a mop or a vacuum. Vacuum? Yeah, absolutely. Now, tidying. Tiding. Tiding is the toughest one.

Tiding feels like you are putting some things in the right spot, but you're not going as far as cleaning. I think it's right in the middle. Is there an area here where when you tidy up, you're kind of organizing something? You know what I mean? Like maybe you're moving things around. You're not putting it in the right drawer.

Yeah, but like even decorations. Like, I want to tidy up. I'm going to put this over there. Does that feel right? Feels like straightening it. up. I'm not sure. Yeah, you're sure. Tidying up. That one's a tough one. I feel like that one is in the middle, though.

But so it's like it's a, it's a larger job of straightening up. Like if you were trying to. I'm going to be honest, tidying up is not a phrase that I think is used in America. It does feel like more like a European. I think tidying up is European picking up. I think there's a fourth category here. Picking up is American. I do think you're right. Tidying up is European. Yeah. If you are a. in Europe. Oh, you're going to tidy up so well. You tidy up all the time.

Amelia Bedelia tidies up, for sure. Mary Poppins? Oh, tidies up? Tides up. For sure. Yeah. Unless she's got some product. And, you know, if she's mopping and sweeping and she's cleaning.

Yeah, which is cool. All right, we figured that out. What is the difference between mankind? Okay. Oh, this one's going to be tough. Civilization and humanity? Wow. Hmm. Deep. Well, obviously, civilization is set apart here.

You know, mankind and humanity share the fact that it's... Are you saying it's less broad? Mankind and humanity, well, let's focus on mankind. Mankind is the animal class of people. It is just, it's referring to human beings. Are you seeing that a civilization can contain, it's more, than that. Exactly right. It is what mankind. It is what mankind has become

a civilization. A civilization and a civilization has rules, has structure, has buildings and animals and all of it's part of a civilization? I don't think that animals have to be. I mean, they are part of our civilization. Civilization is

the civilized mankind. The organization of mankind. Right. So that's why you have a like a prehistoric civilization or a advanced civilization exactly you've got different civilizations they all include people they're all mankind this mankind is doing this kind of civilization that mankind is doing another so if i told you you have a superpower and you can stop an asteroid from destroying all mankind or from destroying all of humanity do you feel like there are any different

which would you try to stop i would stop it from destroying mankind Mankind? Because that is just the living, breathing humans on the planet. Humanity does not require a body. What? It doesn't. Wait, humanity doesn't require a body. The humanity can be a concept.

Oh, the humanity. Yeah, the humanity is who we are, not what we are. What we are is mankind. Who we are is our humanity. Now, let me submit to Al Borland. This is too advanced of a question for this show. we are not really capable, but we're doing our best. I think we're nailing it.

You guys are doing a great job. We're philosophers. Now, do you agree with all this, Al? I do, yeah. The civilization you guys nailed, and I do think humanity can be like something can be not humane. We are not talking about the animal class anymore. We're talking about. Interesting.

I mean, I think I just nailed it straight across. Too simple of a question is what I meant. Yeah, it's too easy. This show requires a little bit more difficult nature, so let's hit us with some. something harder. Do you think that there are some higher level universities that listen to it and the spitballers? Yeah, and examine

it for its philosophical benefit? I don't think any university below Ivy League can understand this podcast. But the Ivy leagues certainly do. So those are you listening out there, just know you are very intellectually advanced. Gifted and

probably beautiful. And this course is tuition free. Yeah, we don't even charge. We scat at the beginning. Yeah. That's what we do. You can even skip the answer. Yeah.

What is the difference between something being tangled, knotted, and twisted? Tangled, nodded, and twisted. Well, I'll tell you what. One of these makes me want to... Oh, like, sends you into a panic? Punch something. Is it tangled? It's tangled.

Tangled. Tangled is the worst. Tangled feels like something you have to eventually cut to the fix. Tangled. Tangled is a project. Okay. Tangle, if you're going to untangle something, oh man, that's sit down, that sit down for a while. There doesn't have to be a knot in a tangle. It could just be like it's going every which way.

What is with that? Cords that are just. Hair. Hair is what you think of. I mean, yeah, I mean, I think of a lot of different things. I think of jewelry, like a necklace. If you get a little, once it's going every which way and it's, you know, there's probably four or five. So what happens when a hose is not, like a hose is all mixed up? What does that call? Is that? I don't think that's not tangled. I don't think it's tangled.

Is it knotted? Or is it twisted? Oh, twisted. Oh, that's clearly twisted. Hoses are twisted. Hoses get twisted up. And that sucks. I hate having,

I hate doing that. Because, you know, when you have a twisted hose, you hope that somehow you pull both ends. Yeah. And it just comes out. And it should, but every now and then, I won't.

It can become a knot. Hose is also get kicked. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. But that's not in this question. It's not in here. Just kind of.

Keep that to yourself. Just another fun fact. Yeah, no, I get it. And with words we're not discussing right now. I'll meet my mic. Thank you. Yeah. What's the difference between one of us and Al?

What's the difference between a knot and a kink? Okay, now we can talk to universities below Ivy League. I mean, come on. A kink? Everyone knows what that is. Knotted. Noted is another one here. And that is clearly there's a knot.

Yeah. You got to get the knot. Nots are simple. You got to, I mean, there's different kinds of knots, but there's only one kind I know, and it's a classic. I'll tell you, man, if I was in the Navy, I would be out of the Navy immediately. Because you couldn't tie them or you couldn't untie them? I couldn't tie them. I don't know how to do the knots.

I watch these people do these crazy super knots. And when I watch Real Men, like, tie something down, not with like, I've got the auto straps. You know, it's got a button on it and it's like tightens up. Oh, yeah. But I watch people tie stuff down with, like, rope. Oh, it's a skill. And I am so much more confident that the knot that they're doing, because I've never seen someone doing a knot like this.

Yeah. I know because he did wizardry and put a wopty-whoop. A whoop-ty-whoop-loop-loop-de-loo. And then I'm like, I promise that that could hold this car up from a skyscraper. There's knots that like gets stronger the more you pull on the thing. Yeah. Now, were you a boy scout owl? I bet you were.

I was. Yeah. It had to be. And is not make or knots a part of it? Oh yeah. We did. Bowline knots, square knots, slip knots. Do them all?

Do you still know how? No. Oh, so like if we were out on a boat, you wouldn't be of any. I can definitely do a square knot. Okay. And I think I could probably still do a bow knot. Okay. Don't know what it is.

Don't know what it is. Okay. What is a knot? Like what is a classic? Like you do the first part of tying your shoes and you do that again? Yeah, what's that? I think that's called an overhead knot, I think. I could be wrong.

We can do it. Overhand knots. You and I? I can do overhand knots all the time. I can pull the wrong shoe string, you know, through the loop, boom, overhand knot. Overhand knot. Tangled is a nightmare. Yeah, tangled is a nightmare. Notted is, it's, you know you can get out of it.

I also think that if there's several knots, it's not knotted. That's tangled. Really? Well, it may be different kinds. I'm just saying, to me, when something is nodded, I don't know that you ever need a... I don't think that limits your knot count. your knot count can be as much as you want for it to be nodded. Even if it's in different places?

Because, like, obviously there's a double knot, right? You knot the knot. I mean, I guess in theory, if it's more of a circular pattern, like the knots are all over the place, that could be tangled. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, no, I'm down. Twisted, I mean, that's not hard to get out. Twisted is easy.

It's just like, it's a coil. Yeah, that's cake. Yeah, no problem. Also, the way I prefer my pasta. Twisted? Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. Both in the noodle form and on the fork.

What is your favorite type of pasta? My, what a great question. Spiral. I want spiral form factor. Is it because it's kind of grabs all that sauce? Yeah, baby. No, I don't blame you. I like a loose sauce.

It's like a sauce auger. Yeah, I like my sauce runnier than thicker. And when you have it runnier than thicker, you put it on spaghetti. It doesn't hold. You can't pick it up, no. But you put that thing in something. with cracks and crevices and twists. Would you ever spork some pasta because of the sauce situation?

Of course I'd spork pasta. You'd spork some pasta? No, I prefer forking a pasta, but I would spork it. Okay. Yeah, that's good. What is the difference between an antique, something that is vintage, and something that is classic? Hmm. I feel like maybe our greatest challenge is right here.

Yeah, this is definitely the greatest challenge. Antique, vintage. If I was... Let me put it this way. Let's start here. Okay. I'm going to bring you something. Which do you feel like is the most valuable?

Something that's antique, vintage, or classic? I don't think vintage is in the mix there. No, I... Vintage can be like... Something can look vintage, right? Yes, yes. An antique is the most valuable. Is it?

To some people. An antique car versus a classic car? I would take the classic car. I feel like classic is like an antique that you'd believe is valuable. I don't know that there is an antique car. I mean, a rusty old car. Is that not an antique? If it's sitting in a junkyard? I think an antique is some, you've got to be able to go antiquing. But if you, I mean, have you been to some of these stores? There's junk in there. Oh, it's absolute junk. And beloved. It's absolute beloved junk. My mother used to go antiquing

and she had these plates. They had apples on them. Oh, that's what she was into? Yeah, I don't know what they were called. Probably like apple plates or something stupid. And they were pretty ugly plates. Right. They were older and apparently some people, including my mother, just were like, oh my gosh, there's apple plates. I got to get more apple plates.

And they were so expensive. Oh, really? Oh, because they were an antique. And it's like, this is garbage. This is an old plate that's ugly. But it's an antique. So something, an antique gets inherent value because of age. Because of age and scarcity.

I think there has to be a little bit of scarcity. Because people threw out all the other apple plates because they didn't want them. So the few that survive. Those become antiques. Now, I can't hear a classic without classic car. I can't hear a classic without classic Coke.

Coca-Cola classic. That's what I, that's what my mind goes to. Al, do you have any thoughts on this one? This one is, uh, nuance. What do you think of with classic? I usually go to cars as well.

Yeah, I mean a vintage car, a classic car. I guess antique, they never use that with cars. No, no, no. Something. Yeah, let's say,

Something vintage, I feel like clothing is vintage. You don't get antique clothing. You get vintage clothing. Right, right. Now, why they separate that? I don't know exactly. Vintage to me seems like there's, what is it called when something is in and out of style? Retro?

Yeah, vintage is retro, but the fads. Vintage had to be a fad at one point. Oh. You know what I mean? Like if it was a fad, this is, you know. Like a vintage leather jacket? Yeah, exactly. Like, that was in.

And so now it's vintage and retro are, I'm so glad we don't have to compare those two words. Because those are basic synonyms to me. Well, see, a vintage item can be old. A retro item is new. That's actually very easy. Oh, yeah. Retro has to mean new that is made to look old. We're good at this.

And classic just means that there's newer versions. of this thing. That's actually true. That's all it is. If there's not a newer version? No, then it's just is. Oh, you're right. But the classic one was the OG.

So when you talk about a classic car, that's because they've changed it. I'm going to give you a Nobel Prize. I got a Nobel Prize. I'm giving you a Nobel Prize. Dude, I have always wanted one of those. I don't want to say this out loud. So I won't say it very loud.

Without Mike, we are so smart. So much smart. We are so smart. We never would have gotten to class. No. No, he would have said something weird and waved his beard around. All right, we'll move on. Let's draft.

The Spitballers draft. Well, well, well, here we are. I'm in the worst spot. What is the order here? Oh, well, I imagine Al steps in directly for Mike's spot. That's what I figured. I'm in the worst spot. There's a clear two.

you think there's two there's there's there's two S class keywords yes so we're drafting if you didn't pick up on that things that start with the letter p so you got the whole gamut here anything in the world that starts with the letter P you can draft it I've got the first pick I mean it's easy there's one for me it's pizza

of course it's all right of course it's pizza all right go ahead go ahead just slam dunk the number two The number one is definitely pickleball. Oh. See, I thought that was on the list. I knew. It was not on my list.

I mean, to us, fantastic. I will not be smirch that pick. That's a fantastic pick. That's what Mike would have done too, something more nuanced to himself. Yes. But I guess I was looking generally. Like the universe over. More people eat pizza than play pickleball for sure.

Absolutely. Everybody loves pizza. So pick a ball. You know what else everybody loves? What? Puppies. It's pizza and puppies, baby. Puppies.

I mean. I didn't even have it. Yeah. It's on my list. Pizza and puppies are clearly like that those are the world would not. You just invented the world's best restaurant. Oh my gosh, I did. You really did.

Pizza and puppies? And you go there and they serve pizza and they've got puppies. Oh, those puppies are going to be so filled with grease just from people petting them after eating pizza. Yeah, you got to be. responsible, but they're not going to be mad. We'll wash them every night. Pepperoni pizza and puppies?

I mean, come on. Oh, we can alliterate this to the... So that's a great pick. Obviously, puppies. People will appreciate that. It is one of the best things that starts with the letter P. Yeah, man, I've got a real big list here on the way back through. Oh, man.

This is tough. There's so many things I like that start with the letter P. I'm going to go This is always when it gets tough Well the thing is You got your favorites And now you're like I'm going

I'm really struggling with What is beloved Versus what I love Yeah Because I think there is a next Most popular pick But I'm not a huge fan of it I think you go with your heart

That's what I think That's what we've been doing this whole show And you got a Nobel Prize So I would just go with Go with your gut really all right or maybe not this is this is this is down low this is a this is a curveball this is like you called out pickleball being too nuanced and now you're going deeper

i'm going deeper i'm going me i'm going me baby i'm taking the penthouse yeah i'm going to the top of the building i don't it was literally number nine on my list but when you said be yourself go for you that thing stuck stood out like that's what i want I want the penthouse. It is you. Oh, baby. It is you. That works.

Someone out there that, like, owns a really nice hotel. Just reach out and give me a week at your penthouse. You'll fly anywhere. Yeah, I'll fly anywhere. But please understand what I'm saying. Don't call it a penthouse if it's not a penthouse. Oh, that would be disappointing. Yeah.

Just because it's on the top floor doesn't make it a penthouse. See, that feels like a whole other question. Right. Someday we'll have you define a true penthouse. If you're out there, please offer me. a week at the Pinnhouse I will accept. Good, good, good use of the show. Thank you. Al, you are back up.

You have pickleball. Yeah, I'm going to take something that makes this world go round. Almost everything we love doesn't exist without it. I'm taking power. Oh. That seems like now. Are we talking electricity or are we talking? All power.

I mean, he gets it all. Wow. Oh, you thought like like the rulers of the world have a lot of power. Exactly. Yeah, which one did you mean? I was referring to electricity. Okay. All right.

Well, ironically, I think the other one makes the world go around more. Yeah, I really was. Good pick. All right. Pickleball and power. That is a good pick. That was not on my list. You need power for...

You've taken two solid picks that I didn't... I've got 14 things on my list. Your list sucks? There's more than 14 things that start with the letter P. I was complimenting. There's a lot. There's a lot. All right.

You should take poop. Owl. Well, look, we're sitting here on this show. I can't not, I can't not take podcast. Oh. I'm taking podcast. Yeah, it's our job. Pizza and podcast is another great place that I like to visit.

So I'll go podcast for my second pick. And because it's you two and I want it and I'm going to take it before you get it, I'm taking poker. Oh, okay. I'm taking poker with the third pick. We love some poker. I felt like that was one of something you guys would take. So it was definitely on my list. Yeah.

All right. Back to you, Al. You have pickleball and power. All right. I'm going to take something that I can't live without. And that's my paycheck. Oh, not too shabby. Pay day is a good day.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. You are three for three on great picks, not on my list. And my list does not suck, Owl. My list is awesome. Well, you have puppies in a penthouse.

Yeah. It's going pretty good. Puppies in a pin house. You know what? there you know what that puts me in paradise i'm drafting paradise it's broad it could be anything i'm on the beach i'm in the penthouse i'm just in paradise idea of somebody's version of paradise is a penthouse with puppies is pretty funny um that's that's good isn't um uh and then i've got one more pick right yeah you do you get

to round out your puppy penthouse paradise puppy penthouse paradise and we are all sports fans here. It is the greatest part of each season when we hit the playoffs. The playoffs. That's a cool pick. Yeah, give me the playoffs, baby. Pizza, puppies, playoffs and paradise. Yeah, you'll even watch baseball if it's playoffs.

Exactly. That's how good playoffs are. Yeah. I will watch baseball. Right. Which is usually just the most pointless, boring, torturous thing in the world. But playoff baseball has meaning because the games actually matter.

That opinion is pathetic. All right, Al, you are up. Your final pick. Picklewall Power, Paycheck. All right. My last pick is going to be similar to Jason's pet house pick. This is a me pick. And I'm taking the platinum cruise card. Oh my gosh. I'm getting priority boarding.

I'm getting my clothes laundered and pressed on board. Wait, they have this? Yeah. There's a special card. Oh, how does Jason? Jason must have this. You get it by how many days you've sailed. So you can't purchase your way.

You're well on your way, owl. I am. Soon, soon you'll have it. Platinum cruise card. So it means you get priority boarding. You get your clothes laundered. You get your clothes laundered. You get some free drinks.

Okay. And some gifts when you get on board. So how long have you wanted this thing? How long has you been alive? Yeah. And you're not, you haven't reached it? Oh, you're not even remotely close to it. That's not true.

Oh, what? My wife, we're going on a cruise. We leave in three days, and my wife will hit platinum on this cruise. I do not, because she's cruised more than me. Wait a minute. So is this exclusive to one provider? Yes. This one is.

I mean, they do, each line has a platinum card, but yes. Wait, she's going to hit platinum. Wow. All right. Can you throw some of your clothes in with hers? Is that how that's going to work? Yeah. Okay.

I still get the priority boarding with her. She needs to wash her boxers. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That is very. That is nuanced. Again, not on my list.

All right, I've got pizza, podcast, poker, and I don't know if you guys knew. There's actually a lot more words. Yeah, start with the letter P. So I'll go with parties. Nice. I'm going to go with parties for my last pick. I don't think I like parties anymore.

If they have pizza and poker, I'm in. Yeah, it's a pizza poker party with pumpies. Pizza poker party. You don't like parties anymore. Do you prefer peace? Yes. I prefer peace over people. Oh.

Yeah. You are a new person. I feel like there was a time in your life that you would have, like when you see a crowd of people, you would have gotten into a slingshot that would fire you into the crowd. I think that is just, I can do it. But now it's more performative. Correct. It's exhausting.

I'm fine in those situations. I feel like you're just becoming me from 10 years ago. Maybe. Maybe. All right. Pizza, podcast, poker and parties. My four picks. Al's got pickleball power, paychecks, and a platinum cruise card.

Jason's got the puppies, the penthouse, the paradise, and the playoffs in any and all sports. Peace was on the list. Pandas was on my list. Delicious. A Porsche. Oh, nice. Pyrotechnics. Those are cool.

Those are fun. We got some. What you got, Al? I had passport, just because I love to travel. Teradactyls, because those things are awesome. Oh, okay. See, that's a real. Yeah. My phone.

You draft pteradactals. And your phone. And this is your last draft. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I also had Pixar because. Okay. It was a goaded movies.

The first one that was also on my list. I had philosophy, which I felt like was a stretch already. Hmm. I had pools, a power nap. Paris Okay And a Pino-Nuau All right

That's There you go Enocholato's up there too Yeah that's not bad That's not bad What did we learn today I mean Not that I didn't know it

But I know it better now This shows very sophisticated It's very high brow It's very intellectual I learned that you can receive Incredibly prestigious awards on the spitballers podcast.

I did get you on. A Nobel Prize. I got the Nobel Prize today. This is a big, that's like, that's crazy. Do you learn anything, Al? Or do you ever learn anything on the show? I learned so much. But I think I learned that you guys can really get down to business without Mike.

Yeah, yeah, this is, I mean, we miss them. 50%. You know, maybe he'll be back next time. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.