Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Heat Studs & Worst Things to Find Left on Your Front Porch- Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

It’s time for another awesomely hilarious episode. On this show we get deep with some Would You Rather, get crazy with a round of Guess Guess Goose, before drafting the Worst Things to Find Left on Your Front Porch. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. I finished with a poop. Be that boot to be poppa chee-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo More than anybody else. You're a big poopoo poopoo poopoo ahhh guy. When it works it works. I'm just happy we got an audible scout from you today. That was a win. Seeing you sit there at the cause we hit the button and Jason's like I'm not doing it.

And then he was sitting there not moving and I thought. You thought I was gonna not do it. He might not do it. But then he just ripped a classic. I am disappointed with myself yes. Welcome into the Spitballers But then he just you just ripped a classic. I am good. Ripped it disappointed with myself. Yes Welcome into the spitballers we have Would you rather some guess guess goose of which Jason is thy goose?

Yeah, and we are this show sucks We are drafting the worst things to find left on your front porch. So that should be fun There are a few and maybe that's why you ended the scat the way you did to find left on your front porch. So that should be fun. There are a few, and maybe that's why you ended the scat the way you did. You can follow the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod, the website spitballerspod.com, and on Instagram at instagram.com slash spitballerspod.

We always appreciate your segment questions and suggestions. We appreciate it. If you follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Subscribe, leave us a review. That's a quick and easy way to say that you enjoy the show and help the show grow if you like the show. So we'll kick it off right here. Would you rather?

Curtis from the website says, would you rather attend a Dolphins home game in September wearing snow pants and a parka, so Florida, I think is the key there. Or attend a Packers home game in January wearing nothing but swim trunks and flip flops, that would be a cold weather game. So you wanna be out in the freezing without clothing

or be in the monstrous heat with, obviously, too much clothing. And I guess, quick reactions there, do you consider being too cold or too hot more dangerous? These are both extremely dangerous. I consider being too hot more dangerous than being too cold. Interesting. I default the other direction.

I feel like too cold is the quicker death. I don't think you will. But I'm not saying I'm right. I'm saying the way I'm reading this, the heat one, you'd be in very grave danger of a heat stroke. The other one you'll probably make it through, but January, some frostbite? Yeah, up there, you could legitimate frostbite.

But you can also, there's also things you can do. Like move? Like when you're hot, you sweat to cool down, but that's all you can do and it's not gonna fix it. It's not gonna face a problem. No. But you can do pushups, do some squats, get your heart going in the cold and keep your body... You can drink though if you're hot. If you drank enough water during the whole entire

game, wouldn't you be fine? Well, if you drink enough beer in the cold, wouldn't you be fine? I mean, yeah, it works both ways. I don't think so because your body temp would go too high. Which is less comfortable. All right, let's take death, you know. Off the table? Off the table here.

Just suffering? This is just suffering. You're going to survive it. You're not going to lose toes in the cold. OK, all right, I like this. I like this. But it's you have to go and do it the whole entire year game. And they went to overtime. So this is, and they went to overtime.

So this is a three hour banger of a game. Yeah, you just gotta suffer through extreme heat and being sweaty and then in the humidity or extreme cold. I want the heat, man. I come from Arizona. I feel like I'm more acclimated for that. Well, I mean, are you accounting for

that you're wearing snow pants and a parka? Because you are going to be sweating into this thing. Yeah, I get it. Are you accounting for the fact that you are surrounded by 80,000 other people standing and sitting and cheering and clapping? I believe suffering was a given in this environment. But my point is those things aid when you're cold. Like, we have never turned on... I promise the fans around you aren't helping much in January and in Green Bay But we have turned games on in Green Bay in Buffalo where you've got the the whole

gaggle of guys with no shirts on and they're out there being tough guys and they make a little fans have you ever Seen the top guy from a true goose You know turn on a dolphins game and see someone in the heat wearing a parka and be like, look how tough I am. You are bringing up an incredible point of people in the cold, we show our toughness. This is a thing that humans do, especially dumb idiot men and we're like, yeah, look how this doesn't phase me. It doesn't bother me because I'm so much stronger and tougher than you I have no feelings okay

in the heat yeah where's the top layer it on let's where's yeah where's your puffer jacket show me how tough you are add a scarf how has this never been a thing because one of them is like yeah like it's not hard to not put more clothes on so that's what makes you tough yeah it like it's not hard to not put more clothes on. So that's what makes you tough. Yeah, it makes it even tougher to put, to layer it on in the heat. No, no, I, I, you're a dog. If there's some tough guys out there listening, you got some work to do in these hot weather

environments. There are, I mean, if you're in the heat for a long period of time, it is not great to be with no clothes. Like if you, if you look at landscapers out in Arizona, they wear a lot of clothes. Oh, I mean, you gotta protect yourself from the sun. Yeah, from the sun. I mean, long pants, long shirt, big hat, scarf, you're gonna be covered up.

I just don't like being cold as much as I'm okay being hot. That's it. I don't wanna be, I'd rather be in a hot sauna for 40 minutes than a cold plunge. I mean, you guys already know my answer I'm definitely taking the cold. I I like going to the ice bars and you know being one of them tough guys But you're a different guy now, so you're probably the opposite It's it's certainly not how you complained of it being too cold in the studio often

Yes, something and you said it kind of like this. You're like, is you cold in here? OK, well, let's turn this right back on you, Andy, because, man, you've been changing and you begin the sweats. You have my fan on my desk has been used about 700 times in the last. I don't know. Not once on me. I'll be in a T-shirt and sweatpants. Andy's in shirt and shorts. Yeah. I don't even have to say who is anybody else. I'm going to flip flops today. I'm becoming Jason. Yeah. We're really trade coming. So I don't think you were going to want this dolphins game in September. We're in a park. I'm trying to help you out. Benefits from sweating all that weight off for a day. I'm taking it. I give you're trying to help you out. Is there weight loss benefits from sweating all that weight off? For a day. I'm taking it.

Like if you're trying to cut for your wrestling weight. You guys clearly both do you want to be in the cold. No. Really? Oh, I'm definitely choosing the cold. Between these two, I guess I would take the cold. Oh man, when the shivers hit and the jaw starts going and you can't stop it. But like, you can't.

Imagine moving around. After a certain point, moving around, don't do nothing. Imagine you are actually enjoying the game. You're wanting to cheer. Like, if you're in the park in the city, you're sitting down and you're just trying to survive. I think in Kansas City, legitimately, there were like multiple fans with Frostbite.

There were. Yeah, when they had that whatever, one of the coldest games ever. Uh, man, I just watched the game at home, comfortably. Uh, Daniel from Patreon, would you rather be not allowed to ever attend another wedding or ever attend another funeral? They still happen, but you cannot attend them, so, including loved ones. In both scenarios, you must decline the invite with nothing more than I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it. Okay.

So. What if I say both? I am on like a pretty long non-wedding, non-funeral streak. Hey, it's been a while since congratulations. I haven't been to either of those events in at least three or four years. Okay, that's a long stretch?

That will end soon. I feel like that's a pretty normal stretch. Is it? I hope. I mean, you go through the phases of your life. I'll be honest, I forgot about one of the weddings that was three or four years ago. Before that one, it must've been another four or five years.

But they seem, like weddings, they come in packages, because everyone kind of hits the age where it starts happening. Yeah, they did. And then we all have a friend or two who's like, they wait longer, so then you have one pop up. And then you wait a little longer and you go to the second weddings. Right, right. Oh man, I have rules.

What if they made you gather for a divorce? Oh! Like if you, it's a contractual thing, so if you attended the first wedding, you must be present for the separation of said wedding. You have to at least send invites for it. Right. They have to decline.

You are invited to my... You go to court, you have the groom's side. Yes, yes, the groom's you have the groom's side. Yes, yes. The groom's side and the bride's side. Yeah. Which one is more... The invite shows that the names are becoming back to what they used to be.

Which one is more rude? To miss? To miss. I think it depends on the relationship. Yeah. I mean, I imagine at the end of the day, the funeral would be the more significant one if it was the more significant person.

Which is ironic because that person's dead. That's the issue that I'm struggling with here is like if it's your best friend, you can't miss your best friend's wedding and you shouldn't miss your best friend's funeral, but you could, you know? If your mom or dad passes, the other one will be at that funeral, and that will be the thing you can't miss.

That's where... Oh! That's the one that's... Because unless they go together... Oh man, sorry, sorry dad. I can't be there. I can't make it. I've got a trick.

I got this thing. I'm sorry, won't be able to make it. And that's all you can say, according to this rule. Is there a chance someone takes that and they go, oh, it's just too hard for them? At least with the funeral, with that response, they could think the reason you're not going is it's too difficult.

I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it. Oh yeah, you can say it like that. Yeah. No, you can't. I'm sorry. You must decline with. Nothing more than I'm sorry, won't be able to decline with. Nothing more than I'm sorry. Is this a text? Won't be able to make it.

It's whatever you want. That's all the rule says here is you have to decline the invite with nothing more than that phrase. So I'm gonna call him. Have you ever declined either of these? I've never. Like maybe the relationship was just on the fence of either the wedding or the funeral

that you're like, man, I just don't want to do that I have declined second weddings yeah second wedding yeah yeah you're not getting me again no I mean you I gifted you once there is there's all that's where you when you attend the divorce all the presents get given back oh no if you're going if you're on number two it has to have been at least ten years what if it's number two at the same person? That's the real that's a real gimmick right I have declined those two You're not getting me again I Feel like you should be forced to elope the second one. I should be the rule. There is a benefit to one of these.

Because while I don't know if you guys like going to weddings, hate going to weddings, but I know you don't like going to funerals. Right. There's nobody out there that's like, man, I love me a funeral. I just love to go and see the sadness. Is there a nice spread?

If you want a nice spread, it's gonna be at the wedding. The truth is, is I always say I don't wanna go to weddings. But the reality is, is when you're at a wedding, once you've done all that, like, oh, I gotta make the plans and buy, put on the clothes and go to the place. I've always enjoyed being at the wedding

because you eat good food, you dance, you see people. I just don't like the obligation of the wedding. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, oh no, I know exactly what you mean. But once you're there, it's okay. Once you're there, it's fun. The funeral's never fun. Yeah, for the question, I'm not...

Sorry, mom and dad, but I'm not missing my children's wedding. Yeah, that's a good point. All three of us have... So that's where it will go. And you know what? I think they'll understand The problem the poop I was gonna say the person and

We are the spitballers the person That you're honoring I was gonna say is alive It's alive in one of them of them and dead in the other. The honoring of the person, or the poop as I call it. I'm going to. How did I say poop? I don't know, man. That's your scat.

If you hadn't told me you said poop in the scat, I'd been fine. I'm gonna decline the funerals because Can we make those more fun somehow? This gets me out of funerals, no. Okay, just making sure. Firm answer. What if, stay with me on this.

This is gonna be a little controversial. But what if when you open the casket, it was filled with candy, and every time you go up there, you just take a handful. Oh, like a pinata almost? Yes, like a human death pinata. Oh man, I think you're really onto something here, Andy.

What if you just brought the candy and start pouring it in? Oh, everybody pours in. There we go. Like one of those. Like the dirt pours in! There we go! Have you seen the little reels where they're like, hi I'm John and I brought the Skittles and then they pour it in for the party. For the party and you do that with the... oh heck yeah, do that on mine. Well unfortunately, I'm sorry, won't be able to make it. Oh don't bury me in ice cream. That's really... He doesn't like being cold. I don't want to be absorbed. Oh, don't bury me in ice cream. That's really- He doesn't like being cold.

I don't wanna be absorbed. I just don't wanna bloat. I don't want ice cream bloat. Okay. Which one are you going to the funeral? You know, I think I've been talked the other way now. I think I'd rather be, I don't wanna, like the kids' wedding, I can't imagine missing that. But if I missed a funeral, I still I'd rather be a I don't want to like the kids wedding. I can't imagine missing that

But if I missed a funeral, I still care about our person won't be able to make it Man, all right Rocky from patreon. Would you rather be the first zombie or the last human? This question is not good. It's not good because you don't have consciousness as a zombie. This is it but it's so easy I mean, this is of course easy. Wait, what's the answer? The first zombie no, what see this? This is where I wondered the first zombie. Why would you want to be the first you have no fear? There's no fear of zombies then because don't you want to not be a zombie? Yeah, but eventually everyone does you'll become a zombie. Everybody's a zombie. It doesn't say I'm the last human

Yeah, that'd be I might I'm the last human. Yeah. That'd be terrible. I might make it. The last human would be terrible. That means I was the best. I survived the longest. You don't make it. There's no winning, though.

There's nobody to go to your funeral. I won for the entire time that I was human. The things that you would have had to do to be the last human. Yeah. If you were the last human, you'd be like, I did it. Yeah, it's all right. As you stroll alone through the world. When I watch zombie movies, the people who are surviving,

they are the winners. The ones that got turned to zombies are the zombies. What are you talking about? I mean, that's true. They're the losers. You never watch it go, oh, man, you got lucky. You got bit. Good for him.

You think that? Well, I think that, not in terms of, because the story is trying to get me involved and invested in the character's survival, but I'm like, realistically, watch that life? You want that life? If every person. I want a life. If every person became a zombie though,

you'd choose first, wouldn't you? So it just comes down to. You're saying if I could not survive. If you knew the entire world would be converted. If I knew for sure that I will be converted, that is the only way that I can see the answer of like, okay, yeah, it's better to be first and not watch. Where do you wanna be bit?

If I had to. Because they go for the neck a lot, I don't want that. If I had to pick the spot, I would pick shin pick shin is there Mike, you know zombie lore. Yes is Your conversion into a zombie after being bitten affected by the proximity of the bite to a certain organ vital organ brain Yes, neck you're gonna convert quicker than like a toe bite. Yeah. Okay. Yeah because you is it saliva Yeah, it's the virus or whatever is in them. So if you get bit in the neck, that's going to be quicker to overtake your body

than if you get bit in the foot. If you get bit and you know you're being converted, are you one of the ones that wants to just- Are you doing- well, no, you're doing the- you get bit in the arm. Oh, can you cut that off? There are plenty of zombie cannon out there where that is a thing. So if you remove it before the virus spreads.

Yeah, the infection hasn't got to the rest of your body. Is that what I should do with the snake bite? Yes. Yes, just so you know. Not you listening, but Andy. It doesn't matter about the snake. Any snake bite, you got to get that arm off. Doesn't make a difference.

Chop off the arm. Bee sting? Yeah. Bee sting? Yeah. Bee sting. Finger goodbye. Have you ever been stung, Andy? No, I've never been stung. You don't know how allergic you could be.

That's true. So immediately. Have you ever been stung, Jason? No, I haven't. But I did have a bee swarm at my house this morning. I guess, which was, I like that discussion, so I want to bring that up Jason's like I Had a I had a beast warm which where we live that hat what they do. It does happen from time to time

Well, I'm saying like you'll open a tree crap there is a hive here and these bees are not pleased that there's other people around here and displeased bees very nice and Jason's like, I have, I had a bee problem and I went to call my bug guy. I have the best bug guy. And he's like, I like my, and the bug guy just happened to the service happened to time up that he was there for what? Probably regular pest control. Yeah. He was in my backyard spraying and then the bees are there. And

so the guy is like, I'll take care of the bees. I'm like, how do you know the bug? I didn't put the bees there, which is the greatest racket of all time. You just place the bugs, then treat the bugs? Yeah. Place the bees, treat the bees? I saw you had a bee issue. I just happened to be in the neighborhood.

You bring a card and a scorpion. And you just put, you know, just open the door, throw the scorpion, and leave a card on the door. Oh, that's funny. And then you get to take the beehive, and be like, I'm gonna humanely put this somewhere else, and you just put it in someone else's yard. Three doors down, leave a card.

It only works once though, because if the animals come back, they're a bad bee guy, or a bad pesky. Well, but there's so many houses. You go neighborhood to neighborhood, you could never stop. You'll never get caught. You wanna hear something funny? I actually. The bee griff.

I've actually thought, mind you, I've never been stung, I could be killed by bees. I don't know. But I'm pretty into bees. And I. What does that mean? That means that I would consider being a beekeeper. For real?

Yeah. As in now you. Like do the whole thing. So like... Honey and everything. When a bee buzzes near you... Yeah, I don't freak out. You just kind of be like...

Don't care. Shoo or do... I like them. I like the bees. Do you invite the bee to land on you? I don't invite it. No, it is uninvited. It is...

But I am not... I grew up very afraid of bees. Because I had never been stung and I'm an asthmatic and I was afraid that A plus B equals death. Yeah, we all saw my girl. Yeah, oh man, we did. But now, well, there's a couple questions I have and Papa Josh might know this as a biologist.

The first sting is not the one that gets you though, right? That's correct. So everybody's first sting you're not allergic to? Is that actually true? Correct, that's correct. What? Because it's the second sting. It's the buildup. Because bee's first sting you're not allergic to? Is that actually true? Correct, that's correct. What? Because it's the second sting. It's the buildup.

Because bee venom, believe it or not, and I shouldn't know this, but bee venom is off, there are people that treat with bee stings. Because bee venom has attributes that are big. What are we treating? They will sting themselves. They will get bees, they'll sting themselves six to eight times in the back.

To build up an immunity? No, it's not to build up an immunity. It's for health. Overcome stupidity. So it hasn't worked yet. Boy, you stupid. Let me try this. Anti-inflammatory.

Bee venom is anti-inflammatory in nature. Really? Yeah, so people treat with, Jay's typing it right now, people treat with this, which is crazy. I've seen them sting themselves. What? These are the same people that are still putting leeches on their bodies.

People do all sorts of weird things. I'm not saying it's right. All I'm saying is that I kind of like, because bees are now endangered and because they play such a vital part in the ecosystem, I like them. Nerd. I know! That's why you like them? In part. You like them. I'm like, I know! I know! That's why you like them? In part. You like them because?

They were like the equivalent of an evil shark to me when I was growing up. Like a shark is just there to eat people. Yeah. And I'm afraid of the ocean. Now Mike, you still are very afraid of bees, right? I have gotten much, much better. Oh, okay.

I'm now at the point where I see them, I'm like, thank goodness that bee's alive because it's doing some good stuff. I no longer shriek. And honey's delicious. And just wave them off. Honey is delicious. Yeah, bees are great.

Who's the? I might sting myself. Oh, just to find out? Get it out of the way. But apparently I gotta do it twice. Where in? With an happy pin sitting close by. Where in humanity was someone,

look at the beehive, like, hmm, I know what those things do. What's in there? Yeah. Seriously. What do you got going on in there? What's all the, what are you so protective about, Mr. Bee? Did you know there were no honeybees in America? They were all brought over?

Zero honeybees. Interesting. Very true fact. Wait, where were they brought over? From Europe. But if the bees are so important. Well, it doesn Wait, where were they brought over? From Europe. But if the bees are so important. Well, it doesn't mean there's non-pollinating bees. Honey bees.

Bees that actually make honey. No honey bees in America. All brought over. On a boat? I think so. Wow. That's all they had. One bee made a long flight.

All right, we will take a break and we'll do some Guess Guess Goose. What time is it? Game time. Andy, don't forget that part of being the goose is the goose has to explain the game. Oh, that's true. That's true. And no man has been a goose more than this guy. All right. Jason's got the goose hat on, which gave me quite the chuckle when I saw him reach over to put it on. I am the back to back goose. Maybe back to back to back. I don't know, but I'm gonna

You've been gooseing. I've been gooseing. Here's how the game is played. We're each gonna ask a question and we're going to answer what percentage of people believe that question, because obviously the producers of this great show have gone out and they've procured the answers. Yeah. You ever answer those? You ever do a survey thing at the mall? Oh yeah, I did that one time. I did it one time. Yeah, that was a nightmare.

They're like, I'll give you a movie ticket or something stupid. Yeah, like I need you to come watch this commercial. Mm-hmm. You're like, what? Is that thing not- That's what the producers are doing. Is that goose not fitting like it used to? It's tight around the neck.

I feel like I'm getting choked. Anyways, we're going to ask a question, take turns. And then Andy will say what percentage of people he thinks for his number. The goose is real low right now. He gets four points if he guesses the exact right percentage. Two points if the guesser is correct within 5%.

So if you say it's 32% and it's actually 35%, you get a couple points. And then the other two parties will say whether it's higher or lower than that number. Yeah, you'll catch on real quick. Yeah, it's easy. We're playing six rounds, so twice each. And then four points for, yeah, if you guess the exact number. And we'll see how we go. All right, I'm starting.

What percentage of people believe that alien experiments have been performed by the United States government at area 51? Show me them aliens! What percentage of people believe that experiments have been performed? Oh man. So I've got to I've got to set the line here. I'll tell you what with the knowledge that people are stinging themselves a B, this number has gone up. Yeah, no, all right. Of what I would have guessed earlier today.

My biggest fear here is I'm going to guess too low, genuinely. I will say that the percentage of people that believe that alien experiments have been performed by the US government at Area 51 is 33% of people. I think 33% of people believe that. So you guys have to decide if you're going to be higher or lower.

Go ahead and reveal. I'm going higher. Jason's going higher than 33. I wrote down 20%. So Mike's going lower. You didn't hear that beast thing well enough. All right, we'll find out right now. The answer is 44 oh yes I was

not that far off it's almost half almost half I think it's an I want to believe situation man and that's fine I get I'm a no I'm a no I don't believe they did Papa Josh I believe so yes okay one Mike a no, I don't believe they did. Papa Josh? I believe so, yes. Okay, one. Mike, what do you believe? Do you believe that they have performed alien experiments? Alien experiments. At Area 51.

Area 51. I'd say yes or no question. I think no. I haven't thought about this in a long time. I'm definitely on the no side. Okay. I would have been on the yes side. So Jason gets one point, I get nothing because I was not close enough,

and Mike gets nothing because he went lower because he believes in humanity. Not anymore. All right, Mike, you are, so Jason, right now, the goose himself has got the dominant one, nothing lead. I'm in the lead, baby. Mike, it is your turn. I'm flying.

Cock-a-cock. What percentage of people said they would keep working at their jobs if they won $900 million in a lottery? OK. All right, Mike, set the line. Who would keep working at their jobs if they won $900 million? Keep working. Yeah, they like it that much.

Let's go 5%. Oh, that's gonna make it tough, man. 5% of people, the problem is, I don't think it's that high, I'm gonna go lower. Holy moly. I'm going lower. I almost opened my mouth to say, well, that makes it easy when you went 5%,

that's gotta be higher than that. But if the answer's lower, then I'll win well. That's correct. Yeah, so you know how the game you think that? Among the United States of America. There's so many people that who just if they got nine hundred million dollars a week I'm gonna keep going to work. I don't think I think people go. Well. I'm not sure what I would do Yeah, maybe I keep my job alright. Let's find out. What is the answer this one's crazy to me 37% of people said they would keep their job. Dude, that was the odd zone. That is, were they being asked by their boss? Oh, that would do it. Cause no, that is baloney. I mean, that was the easy odds favorite is to go higher, but I genuinely am shocked. I thought it might be like 3%. I did too. That's why I went lower. That is baloney. Are you sure that wasn't 3.7%%. I did too, that's why I went lower. That is baloney.

Are you sure that wasn't 3.7% of people? No, that's 37. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you've been pulled by their direct manager. Like asking the question, OK, you know, all working people, do you like your job? That number is under 50%.

We like our jobs. I know. Mike, are you staying here with $900 million? That's a lot of money, guys. Jason? I'm out, baby. Josh? $900 million.

You working here? Yeah. OK. No, you're not. Oh, but we're the boss asking the employees. Yeah. See? That's how it works.

Dang it. All right. 100% of people. I mean, like, this is. Jason is looking to shake this goose right off his head. In a side of, like, what% of people. I mean like this is. Jason is looking to shake this goose right off his head. In a side of like what percentage of people do you think like their job in the United States of America? Are you testing the next question?

Yeah, I'm testing the next question here. Go ahead, Jay. All right. Two-nothing lead by Jason. My question is what percentage of people. Poop. Poop. That's what I heard too. What percentage of people wink primarily with their left eyes? Eyes? It's pluralized in the question, but it should be eye. Their

left eye. That's what I was testing. Because it's people, so it's all their eyes. Yeah, but your left eye. What do I do if I'm, I don't wink. Yeah, but you left. I what do I do if I'm I don't wink a lot man. Oh Man, what is it? It's a tough one. You know what's tough winking and not not the physical act of it, but like at the right time because I Feel like I'm gonna be creepy. I feel like high 90s is the percentage of time that a wink is gonna be gross But there's there's sometimes you're like, oh man, what a good, what a good timed wink.

All right. Can you wink, Mike? Yeah. Oh, OK. What? You can't wink? Can you wink? Of course.

OK. Wait. Hold on. I just wanted to watch what you guys used, you losers. And one of you used your right, one of you used the left arm. Well, he was over there practicing. I'm setting my line at 50%. OK. OK. Of the two people I polled. I. Oh, he was over there practicing. I'm setting my line at 50%. OK.

OK. Of the two people I pulled. I. Oh, go ahead, Andy. Well, we have to decide independently here. He went 50%. Oh, wait. Can I change my answer?

Nope. It's locked in. It's the sound of a gun. It is locked in. Wink primarily with their left hand. I'm going higher. I think it's. I'm going higher as well.

I think it's correlated with your dominant hand. I think it's the opposite of your dominant hand. Oh, your opposite? Then you would want to go lower. No, because it says primarily with the left eye. You would want to go lower. You both want to go higher. If I'm locked in, you're locked in.

I think it matches your dominant hand. That means you should go lower. What percentage? Oh, wait. It doesn't matter, you're both locked in higher. Now I'm all confused. Both locked in. Because if I'm locked in, you're locked in.

Oh yeah, no, I definitely meant lower. I was going to change my answer to lower, because I think a lot of people. You don't get to say higher or lower, because you said the percentage. I was going to set my percentage lower than my set. All right, fine. You can change.

What's your percentage? You can change. What do you want to put in? 42%. OK, I'm going lower still, because I figured out my method. I'm going higher. OK. All right my method. I'm going higher. Okay. All right, Josh. Well, the answer is 38%. So you guys just gave Jason a bunch of points.

That's fine. I changed it to a victory. So wait, how many points does he get? Two? He gets two. He gets two. He was born. And Mike got a point. So I am set up for goosing right here. See, what Don and me is it. Man, left eye winking is hard. I think that there has to be a strong percentage of people who, they don't have an, like, they don't have, it's not right or left. It's like they don't have a primary wink. They go, I don't know.

So do I primarily blink with my left? No. So the, you know, that's why I lower it. Okay, all right. Not really easy to take you seriously with a goose on your head. That's fair. What percentage of people prefer waffles over pancakes?

So this is the waffle lovers of the world. I gotta set a line here. Preferring waffles over pancakes? I've got a number. I'm gonna lock it in right away. It's 40%. Higher. Waffles over pancakes.

Now, you shouldn't have revealed that that quick, Mike. No. Because you guys should have been simultaneous. I don't care. For the chance to not let Jason play the game. I don't care either. I want the right answer. And I want to sweep this thing.

I think that, so you're saying 40% prefer waffles. I'm going to go higher too. I think. Waffles are superior. They are superior, but I don't think that, I think it's gonna be close to 50%. I think the world likes pancakes more than they like waffles.

But I am. They certainly order it more. They order it more. All right, what is the answer? The answer is 51%. Woo! Woo! I am dead. Yeah, you're, yeah, you're.

I am a dead man. We already know that you want this hat right now. I am very close to it. I've gotten no points Jason with four Mike with two Mike Oh, no, go ahead. I Can only tie Mike with a perfect finish? right Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh man. I gotta get one more point. Yeah What percentage of people can pronounce Keen-wah correctly?

Which I said it right. You sure did. Keen-wah. Spelled Q-U-I-N-O-A. So the people out there, some are going Queen-oa. Can pronounce Keen-wah correctly. Yeah. Go ahead, Mike.

Set the line. I'm going to put it at, I think it's most people. Keenwah is, we're finding out what it is. What a weird question to pull people to be like, yeah I can't. Yeah, I can't pronounce it correctly. Well, maybe they just say, hey, what is this word? That's fair. And they go, Quinoa. That's why you got four points. I'm gonna go Quinoa. That's why you got four points. I'm gonna go with 80%. Ooh, man. I was gonna go pretty near there. I'm blocked, are you?

Yeah, I'm locked. I am lower. I'm lower. Okay. Please tell me I can tie Mike. No, this is a high scoring round. The answer is 75%. Booyah!

So Mike gets two points, Jason gets another point. Woo! That's mine. Yeah. I'm dead. Yeah, you are. Wait, Jason, but hold on. Jason's at five?

Yeah. And I'm at four? Yeah. Woo! So you guys can try it, maybe. I can try it, maybe. All right, all right, last one. Last one, yeah.

My final question. What percentage of people hate coconut? What percentage of people hate coconut? What percentage of people hate coconut? I am mostly one of those people. Don't give a mean for me. You're mostly one of those people? How can you be mostly someone that hates coconut? Well, I like pina coladas and I like coconut flavoring,

but I don't like eating coconut itself. Like when people put it into candy bars or cookies or whatever the crap that is. So if you were asked this question in a mall, how would you have answered? Do you hate coconut? I don't think I hate coconut. Okay. So you're talking like shaved coconut. Yeah. What percentage of people hate coconut? I'm going to say 38%. Oh 38%. I don't care my answer. You should. You're at a zero man. That's true. I don't want to get a goose. Yeah Oh, you could we gotta get you a golden goose. We have never had someone Oh a golden goose you should

We'll just spray paint this gold Well, I'll be yeah, it's gonna be real stinky. We need a regular goose for when somebody scores one point What'd you go 38? What'd you say 38%? What did I say? To hate? To hate? Okay Hate coconut, I'm gonna go lower. I'm going lower The answer is 31% and he got a boy no golden goose, baby But I am the goose in a big way disappointing, but that also mean I mean I tied I mean, I tied you. Mike got a point and I didn't, so we tied. Good work.

We are the winners. Nice job, champ. We'll take a break. I'm the goose for next time. Let's draft. ["The Spitballers Draft"] The Spitballers Draft. Alright, I'm really happy to get a point by the way. That's what around. I'm not the goose!

You're not the goose! Has Mike ever been the goose? Yeah. Okay. I wasn't sure if you'd ever... I don't remember you... I've gooseed before. Once. Once, I remember. I can't sure if you'd ever... I don't remember you. I've goosed before. Once. Once, I remember. I can't imagine how that goose... You couldn't have... Fits on this dome?

Did you strap it? I probably... I was probably riding dirty with that thing open. That thing's tight. Yeah. We're drafting the worst things to find left on... I'm alive, so I must not have put it on. The worst things to find left on your front porch. So the way I was thinking about this is like... Ding don't know if you get the ding-dong, maybe it's in the morning you go out and you find something sitting on your front

porch. But this is the worst things you want to find out there, Jason. You have the first pick in the draft. I mean this is the classic, this is the goosest. This is a 101 for Jason. This is a South Spitballers draft start. It's a flaming bag of poop. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Don't put it out with your boot stand. There you go. Yep.

So the flaming bag of poop, it makes sense. You dressed it up, though. Because I just wrote, I just pooped. Yeah. I went full Adam Sandler. Flaming bag would be much worse. I got to make a decision here. Yeah, yeah. Here's a question for you.

If you don't catch it while it's on fire, right? Cause they don't, you know, you're not home. It just burns like a candle. Does the poop burn out? No. Okay. Just making sure you don't like to say, maybe that was better, but I don't think.

No, no, no. That poop just doesn't burn. It'll just crisp it up. All right, I will go with the baby. Oh, that's good. It is on my list. That's a good one. It is on my list.

Of all the things to find some- I don't have a list. Oh, you're flying free. I'm flying blind today. What are you doing? He even bragged about it too when he walked in. He's like, I don't have a list. I'm going with the baby because the added complexity

of the baby on the, I mean, some things, oh, you gotta clean them up. Some things I got to move them. A baby is a whole big old problem. You have to do some, you have to. Yeah. You can't just shut the door. No, you don't get to just be like real slow. Yeah. I didn't see it. Nope. Nope. No, a baby, a baby is one of the worst things to find on the front porch. Cause now it's like you gotta call somebody, gotta take it somewhere, gotta raise it secretly. Mike, you are on the clock

two picks, worst things to find left on your front porch. All right, baby was on my list. It was a little bit lower than, I mean, come on guys, it's a dead body. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. You got a big problem. Yeah. I don't know, man. The dead body versus the live baby, which is the bigger problem?

Well, I'm saying the baby, maybe. I didn't mean the rhyme. But I mean, it's like, guess who's suspect number one? When you call the police. Okay, okay. It's you. You're like, I have to report there, I found a body on my porch.

They're like, hmm, how'd that get there? Better hope it's somebody you don't know. Yeah. If it's someone you know, it's way worse. So. You got a funeral you gotta go to. Not only do you have to take care of it and call some people and figure it out,

but I think that you are on list somewhere. Dead body. So this one is, this one's just more practical. You forgot you ordered groceries. Oh, that's a good one. Also they're like, they're old groceries? All your dairy, all your milk was just sitting there overnight and you opened that door and're like oh man Jason has a place a couple hours north of here and has on multiple occasions ordered a load of food for his

house here in the valley only to discover it was all delivered because he ordered it for the cabin up north that has happened so many times that it is infuriating but I I don't take one ounce of credit for this. It has never once been me or... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who could it have been? I won't say. We're all trying to find the person.

So you went with the old grocery. Yeah. That's demoralizing. Yeah, that'd be bad. It's not scary, except, I mean, for the wasted money. All right, well, inspired by today's episode of the show, I'm going to go number two. I may like them, but I don't want

to find them on my front porch. I'm going to go a swarm of bees. Yeah, OK. So I'm going to go a beehive. Jason's got a guy who definitely didn't put it there. Yes, yes. So baby in a beehive. The third one?

This better be another bee. I'm going to draft it. It's it does. I mean it's technically part of Mike's but I think you'll let me have it. Oh wait it's not my pick. Oh I was waiting. I was like okay what is it because I'm about to take it from you. You were so close. I'm not doing good. I'm a goose. I don't know my order in the draft. All right Jason you're on the clock. I'm a goose. I don't know my order in the draft. All right, Jason, you're on the clock. It's totally you.

It is totally me. For three picks. First, I'm going to say an eviction notice. Oh. You open that door and all of a sudden, that's not my home no more. That sucks. That's just, that's sad. Yeah, you don't want it.

I feel like there was a disproportionate amount of childhood shows where people showed up, not just with the eviction notice, but with the wrecking ball. Like the house is gonna, like. Oh, right. You're like, your bill is doing three, two, one, knock it down.

And we use, that's what we do, huh? We use the wrecking ball? For sure. Okay. That's just the only way. That's what Marty said. Yeah. All right, so you got an eviction notice, that's what we do. Huh? We use the wrecking ball for sure. Okay, that's just the only way That's what my we said. Yeah. All right, you got an eviction notice. That's good. And my last one is going to be because I think this would be I Think this would be worse than anything. I think I found the worst one a lit stick of dynamite

Hey, man, you open that door What? Hey, man. What? You open that door. It's got to be really well timed. Oh, yeah. I mean, you better. A lit stick.

What are you doing? You trying to kick it? Or you running? You picking it up? I'm running. I'm not going for a kick. But if you're running, that means your house is getting dynamited. I'll kick it if I can see a really long wick.

Is that what it's called, on a stick of dynamite? A wick? Yeah, might be. It's a fuse. Fuse! Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you, Papa Josh. A wick is a fuse.

Tomato, tomato. Same word. I always light a lot of birthday fuses on my cake. All right, my pick, I was going with it before, before I luckily detoured. Oh, it wasn't the stick of dynamite? I was going severed head. I don't know, man. We already got a dead body.

It kind of sounds like a dead body. I mean, it's attached to a body. It's fine. It's attached to a body. It's easy, guys. I'll pivot horse head. Okay, yes, that's okay. This is not hard.

Perfect. This ain't complicated. Perfect. Horsehead it is. Yeah, you don't want it in the bed, you don't want it on your porch. And that one begs more questions. You find a dead body, someone laid down, they died, it might have been some person dealing with something.

Or someone dropped it there, yeah. You find a horse head, somebody cut a horse head off and brought it to your house. That's a message. I wanna know what they did with the horse. They probably ate it. Nobody's ever said, nobody's left the horse. Nobody's left the horse body in the bed.

It's always the head, because the body's pretty big. The body's super hard to carry around. Yeah, it's not a gag. It's not a good gag. No. Doesn't send a message. To get a severed horse head into someone's bed while they are asleep.

You're the sneakiest person alive. Is that how that worked? It was like you go to sleep and then you wake up and it's in the bed? Yeah, you wake up and there's a horse's head in your bed. I mean, it's easier to do the front porch if you follow my instructions. Right, much easier.

Much easier. All right, I'm going horse head. Thank you for letting me detour to that. Yeah, no problem. It's a better pick. Didn't start with B though. Your baby and your beehive. Oh, I was trying to alliterate.

All right, I got two picks. A big horse head. There you go. A big horse head. A beheaded horse head. That's a little, yeah, that's redundant. Mike, you got two more picks. I'm going with, it's a note,

and it says I'm in the house. Okay, interesting. That's a real, that's probably a gag. They put it on the outside of your house. Yeah, it's a real weird move, man. So you open the door, and you're like, who's? I'm not out here. And then you go outside, shut the door so you can read the note, and then it says.

Why are you shutting it? Because the note's on the outside. They lock it behind you? No, I'm just saying, then it's like so you can read the note. And then it says. Why are you shutting it? Because the note's on the outside. They lock it behind you? No, I'm just saying. Then it's like, I'm in the house. I'm like, I'm safe. I'm on the outside. Why are you going outside to read the note?

But they put the. It's stuck to the door, right? They put it on the outside. Did they stick the note to the inside of the door? I guess it's on the ground. All I'm imagining is just on the ground. It's on the ground. Mm, okay.

That's weird. But why are you going out and closing the door to, is that how you take your packages? If there's bees out there, it is. Just, hey. All right, that's a new one. And then another. That's like a dude who didn't have a list

would answer that one. I don't know, I didn't have a list. I'm crushing. I'm going with this one because it's a little spooky and it's also an annoyance. It is a box of unlabeled VHS tapes. Okay, because what's on there? You're like do I want to find out? No now I probably have to find out when how am I gonna find out? Well now I gotta go find a VCR. I gotta go buy a VCR. Do they still sell VCR? I don't know. There's no way this is what I'm saying.'s it's creme is on got a son and it's annoying. I

Mean, do you have a V? Josh? Do you have a VCR laying around? Not anymore? Yeah, of course not I can get a Magnavox DVD player VCR combo. It's renewed 279 that's it. They're not they're not manufacturing these so you're not gonna find something new They would imagine you're not you're probably gonna have to go like garage sailing. When's the last time you heard Magnavox? Oh Yeah They did a lot since they've gone out of this they did a lot in the VCR department here from what I'm seeing DVDs We've got nothing to worry about. All right, my Magnavox my last pick here. I'm gonna go alligator

Which I think does happen from time to time in Florida. Oh, for sure it does. So I don't want to find an alligator left on my front porch. I'm gonna go with that. All right. So you got bees and alligator. I'm gonna take... You got an animal thing going on. Yeah, you got a horse, bees.

If the alligator's out there with the horse head, I know what happened to the horse. It would be a lot less scary. That alligator ate the horse and left the head? If I saw them next to each other, I would believe that. You wouldn't make that assumption? You would think the horse head came from something else? I would go with the bloody alligator. If there's an alligator and anything that's severed,

I'm going, A plus. I know who did it I guess don't I don't think that he could have he's not beating the rat man. Mm-hmm. All right. Okay. I've got my last pick This is what it looks like they were trying to intimidate you burp Got a lot of ways I could go here. Do you? I do. Okay. I think I'm gonna stick to the truth

because I see a lot of bad things, a ransom note, a robber, you know? Someone pointing a gun at you. Yeah. But I've got something far worse than that. If I open the door and someone was pointing a gun at me My life is on the line. Yeah, but if I open a door and there's a tarantula on the porch Okay, I am immediately dead. The heart has rather have the gun. Yes, absolutely

Jason pick if I open that door and there's a tarantula there. Boom, life over. I like to imagine that the tarantula knocked. With one of its eight arms. Is there a soft wrapping at the front of the door? What could that be? Just a friendly tarantula. It's got a hat. Can't you turn over a new leaf like me and bees? Can't you become, like tarantulas,

they don't do nothing wrong. They exist. Yeah, no, they. Just existing is too much. The only thing that I want them to have in common with bees is I want them to be starting to like leave the planet. Jason with flaming bag of poop and eviction notice, a little stick of dynamite.

Oh, not a little stick, a lit stick. At Tarantula, I have a baby, a beehive, a horse head and an alligator. And Mike went with dead body, old groceries, and I'm in the house note in a box of unlabeled VHS tapes courtesy of Magnavox Any the show brought to you by I didn't have a whole lot of honorable mentions other than like a dead animal of some sort Or something super heavy would be was an answer because oh you've got to get something heavy off your porch Right piano. Oh man, that'd be so bad Heavy was an answer because you've got to get something heavy off your porch. Right.

It's like a piano. Oh man, that'd be so bad. That would suck. That would suck. A piano? I don't want a piano. Right. Unless you're needing a piano, having one is a problem.

There are items that I will never sell on Facebook Marketplace or Off-Front because they're so heavy that they're giveaways. They're like, you're doing me a favor by taking this heavy thing for free. Right. Just an anvil? This is a big... Yeah, yeah, that would just be... On my list I have a live lobster because that actually happened to me.

What? What? Yeah. Wait, some friend, a friend, a big gag? I literally have... In Arizona. This is a mystery. What, you don't know? I know, I do not know.

When was this? I was a teenager. Okay. So I'm living at my parents house and one day I returned from whatever you know high jinx I'm getting up to and there's a lobster with a string tied to it and the doorknob I'm like oh my god I'm like tied a string to the door no look so it can away. What'd you do? I ran inside and I was like, mom! Oh, OK.

Because first I was like, oh, that's weird. And then I gave it a little tap with the foot and then it started moving. And so wait, so you had to like hop over it to run inside? Right? Because it's a monster. Oh my gosh. But yeah, who did it?

I don't know. If you're listening to this podcast, you can tell me. Let me know. Yeah, I've wondered my yeah, who did it out if you're listening to this podcast you can tell me no Yeah, I've wandered my whole life who did it when you opened to the door Did the lobster like go with the door handle then like pulled into the house? No, no It was the string was long enough. Okay, that's smart It was kind always have a long enough leash for your lobs as you leave on the front front boards Hey, look the mom and dad took care of it. Yeah, but it was I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. That's interesting. I mean, it's a live lobster. That's the problem for me. A live lobster would be like, what do I do with this? You cook it. Yeah. Is that what you would do?

It's really what you should do. It's probably what you should do. Yeah. I mean, what else are you going to do? What else could you possibly do with a lobster in Arizona? The lobster's going to die. See, I'd leave it on someone else's porch. That's shocking. I think that's the right idea. It's the gift that's gonna die. I'd leave it on someone else's porch.

That's the gift that keeps on giving. I think that's the important thing. What did we learn today? Well, you know, hot streaks and guess guess goose don't last forever. I just learned that Mike had a live lobster. I just learned that you can even put a live lobster on someone's porch.

Mike learned something about bee stings. It's probably a real inhumane thing to do, but they did it. Yeah, yeah, you can go sting yourself later. I will not be doing that. For the benefits. Get the leeches, goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.