Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Heat Studs & Worst Things to Find Left on Your Front Porch - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 6, 2026

Spit Hit for August 6th, 2026:  It’s time for another awesomely hilarious episode. On this show we get deep with some Would You Rather, get crazy with a round of Guess Guess Goose, before drafting the Worst Things to Find Left on Your Front Porch. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Be da poot, do peep pa-chid by poop. I finished with a poop. We know. Don't explain it. We were here. I wasn't sure if you heard the plosion of the last P.

I wasn't sure. You are always pee heavy on your scats more than anybody else. You're a big poo-po-po-po-po-po-po-pa-a guy. When it works, it works. I'm just happy we got an audible scat from me today. That was a win. Seeing you sit there because we hit the button, and James is like, I'm not doing it.

And then he was sitting there not moving. And I thought, you thought I was going to not do it. He might not do it. Man. But then he just ripped a classic. I am just disappointed with myself. Yes. Welcome into the.

the spitballers. We have, would you rather, some guess, guess goose, of which Jason is thy goose. Yeah. And we are, this show sucks. We are drafting the worst things to find left on your front porch. So that should be fun. There are a few, and maybe that's why you ended the scat the way you did. You can follow the show on Twitter at spitballerspod. The website spitballerspod.com and on Instagram at Instagram.com slash bitbotherspod. We always appreciate your segment, questions and suggestions. We appreciate it. If you follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, subscribe, leave us a review,

that's a quick and easy way to say that you enjoy the show and help the show grow if you like the show. So we'll kick it off right here. Would you rather? Curtis from the website says, would you rather attend a Dolphins home game in September wearing snow pants and a parka, so Florida, I think is the key there? Yeah. Or attend a Packer's home game in January wearing nothing but swim trunks and flip-flops. That would be a cold weather game.

So you want to be out in the freezing without clothing or be in the monstrous heat with obviously too much clothing. And I guess quick reactions. do you consider being too cold or too hot more dangerous? These are both extremely dangerous. I consider being too hot more dangerous than being too cold. Interesting. I mean, I default the other direction.

I feel like too cold is the quicker death. I don't think you will. But I'm not saying I'm right. I'm saying the way I'm reading this, like the heat one, you are, you'd be in very grave danger of a heat stroke. The other one you'll probably make it through, but January, some frostbite up there.

Like you could, yeah, you could get legitimate frostbite. But you can also, there's also things you can do. Like move. Like when you're hot, you sweat to cool down, but that's all you can do and it's not going to fix it. It's not going to face a problem. But you can do pushups, do some squats. Get your heart going in the cold and keep your body. You can drink, though, if you're hot, you can just keep.

If you drank enough water during the whole. entire game. Wouldn't you be fine? Well, if you drink enough beer in the cold, wouldn't you be fine? I mean, yeah, it works both ways. I don't think so, because your body temp would go too hot. Which is less comfortable. All right, let's take death, you know, off the table, off the table here. This is just suffering. You're going to survive it. Okay. You're not going to lose toes in the cold. Okay. All right, I like this. I like this. But it's, you have to go and do it the whole entire game. So this is, and, and, They went to overtime. So this is a three-hour banger.

Yeah, you've got to suffer through extreme heat and being sweaty and then in the humidity or extreme cold. I want the heat, man. I come from Arizona. I feel like I'm more acclimated for that. I mean, are you accounting for that you're wearing snow pants and a parka? Because you are going to be sweating into this thing. Yeah, I get it. Are you accounting for the fact that you are surrounded by 80,000 other people standing and sitting and

cheering and clapping. I believe suffering was a given in this environment. But my point is those things aid when you're cold. Like you, we have never turned on. I promise the fans around you aren't helping much in January in Green Bay. But we have turned games on in Green Bay in Buffalo where you've got the whole gaggle of guys with no shirts on and they're out there being tough guys. The gaggle of fans.

Have you ever seen the tough guys? I'm a true goose. You know, turn on a dolphin. game and seeing someone in the heat wearing a park and be like, look how tough I am. You were bringing up an incredible point of people in the cold. Like we show our toughness. This is a thing

that humans do, especially dumb idiot men. And we're like, yeah, look how this doesn't It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me because I'm so much stronger and tougher than you. I have no feelings. Okay. Okay. In the heat. Yeah, where's the tough guys? Lay it on. Let's, where's your puffer jacket? it. Show me how tough you are.

Add a scarf. How has this never been a thing? Because one of them is like, yeah, like, it's not hard to not put more clothes on. So that's what makes you tough. Yeah, it makes you even tougher to layer it on in the heat. That's a real tough. You're a dog. If there's

some tough guys out there listening, you got some work to do in these hot weather environments. There are, I mean, if you're in the heat for a long period of time, it is not great to be with no clothes. Like, if you If you look at landscapers out in Arizona, they wear a lot of clothes. Oh, you got to protect yourself from the sun.

Yeah, from the sun. I mean, long pants, long shirt, big hat, scarf, you're going to be covered up. I just don't like being pulled as much as I'm okay being hot. That's it. I don't want to be, I'd rather be in a hot sauna for 40 minutes than a cold plunge. I mean, you guys already know my answer. I'm definitely taking the cold. I like going to the ice bars and, you know, being one of them tough guys.

Yeah, but you're a different guy now, so you're probably the opposite. it's it's certainly not how it used to be you've complained of it being too cold in the studio often yes something that and you said it kind of like this you're like he's too cold in here okay well then let's turn this right back on you andy because man you've been changing and you've been getting the sweats you i have my fan on my desk has been used about 700 times and in the last i don't know not once on me we'll be in a t-shirt i'll be in a t-shirt and sweatpants. Andy's in shirt and shorts.

Yeah. I don't even have. Does anybody else hot in here? I'm in flip flops today. I'm becoming Jason. Yeah. We're really trading. So I don't think you're going to want this Dolphins game in September.

We're in a park. I'm trying to help you off. Is there a weight loss benefits from sweating all that weight off? For a day. I'm taking it. I give you trying to cut for your wrestling weight. You guys clearly both do you want to be in the cold? No.

Really? Oh, I'm definitely. between these two, I guess I would take the cold. Oh man, when the shivers hit and the jaw starts going and you can't stop it. But like, you can't. You can't. Even moving around. After a certain point, moving around, don't do nothing. Imagine you are actually

enjoying the game. You're wanting to cheer. Like, if you're in the parka in the heat, you're sitting down and you're just trying to survive. I think in Kansas City, legitimately, there were like multiple fans with frostbite. Yeah, when they had that, whatever, one of the coldest games ever? I just watched the game at home comfortably. Daniel from Patreon, would you rather

be not allowed to ever attend another wedding or ever attend another funeral? They still happen, but you cannot attend them. So including loved ones. In both scenarios, you must decline the invite with nothing more than I'm sorry. I won't be able to make it. Okay. So what if I say both?

I am on like a pretty long non-wedding non-funeral streak. Hey, it's been a while. Congratulations. I haven't been to either of those events in at least three or four years. Okay. That's a long stretch. I feel like that's a pretty normal stretch. Is it?

I hope. I mean, you go through the phases of your life. I'll be honest. I forgot about one of the weddings that was three or four years ago. Before that one, it must have been another four or five. five years. So they seem like weddings, they come in packages because everyone kind of hits the age where it starts happening. Yeah, they did.

And then we all have a friend or two who's like, they wait longer. So then you have one pop up. And then you wait a little longer and you go to the second weddings. So. Right. Right. Oh, man. I've, I've, I've rules.

I'm like, nope. What if they made you gather for a divorce? Oh. Like if you, it's a contractual thing. So if you attended the first wedding, you must be present for the separation of said wedding. You have to at least send invites for it. Right. You know, they have to decline.

You are invited to my. You go to court. You have the groom's side. Yes. Yes. The groom's son and the bride's side. Which one is more? The invite shows that the names are becoming back to what they used to be.

Which one is more rude? To miss? To miss. I think it depends on the relationship. Yeah. I mean, I imagine at the end of the day, the funeral would be the more significant one if it was the more significant person. Which is ironic because that person's dead. That's the issue that I'm struggling with here is like if it's your best friend, you can't miss your best friend's wedding.

And you shouldn't miss your best friend's funeral, but you could, you know? If your mom or dad passes, the other one will be at that funeral. And that will be the thing you can't miss. that's where that's the one that's because unless they go together. Oh man. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Daddy. Right. I can't be there. I can't make it. I got this thing. I'm sorry. Won't be able to make it. And that's all you can say according to this rule. Is there a chance someone takes that and they go, oh, it's just too hard for them? Like, at least with the funeral, with that response, they could think the reason you're not going is it's too difficult. I'm sorry. I won't be able to. Oh, yeah. You can say it like dad. Yeah. No, you can't.

I'm sorry. You must decline with... Nothing more than I'm sorry. Won't be able to make it. It's whatever you want. All the rule says here is you have to decline the invite with nothing more than that phrase. So I'm going to call them. Have you ever declined either of these?

Like maybe the relationship was just on the fence of either the wedding or the funeral that you're like, man, I just don't want to do that. I have declined second weddings. Yeah. Oh, second wedding. Yeah. Yeah, you're not getting me again. No, I mean, you. I gifted you once.

There's, there's, oh, that's where when you go attend the divorce, all the presents get given back. Oh, no, you got to store those up. Look, if you're going, if you're on number two, it has to have been at least 10 years. What if it's number two at the same person? That's the real, that's a real gimmick, right? I have declined those two. Have you? You're not getting me again.

I feel like... You should be forced to elope the second one. That should be the rule. There is a benefit to one of these. Because, well, I don't know if you guys like going to weddings, hate going to weddings, but I know you don't like going to funerals. There's nobody out there. Yeah, they're difficult.

Man, I love me a funeral. I just love to go and see the sadness. If you want a nice spread, it's going to be at the wedding. The truth is, is I always say I don't want to go to weddings. But the reality is, is when you're... at a wedding, once you're done all that, like, oh, I got to make the plans and buy, put on the clothes and go to the place. I've always enjoyed being at the wedding because you eat good food, you dance, you see people. I just don't like the obligation of the wedding.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. But once you're there, it's okay. Once you're there, it's fun. The funeral's never fun. Yeah. For the question, I'm not, sorry, Mom, Dad. I'm not missing my children's wedding.

Yeah, that would be so. That's a good point. All three of us have. So that's where it will go. And you know what? I think they'll understand. The poop. The poop. The poop. The poop. Hey, guys. You're going to say the problem? The poop. I was going to say the person. And it came out the poop. Man, we are the spitballers podcast. The person that you're honoring. I was going to say is alive. He called the person poop. It's alive in one of them. Yes. And dead in the other. The honoring of the person. Or the poop is like.

call it. I'm going to... How did I say poop? I don't know, man. That's your scat. Yeah. If you hadn't told me you said poop and the scat, I'd been fine. Uh, I'm, I'm going to decline the funerals because... Can we make those more fun somehow? No. Okay. Just making sure. Firm answer. What if... Stay with me on this. Okay. This is going to be a little controversial. But what if when you open the casket, it was filled with candy and every time you go up there, you just take a handball. Oh, like a, like a pinata almost? Yes, like a human death pinata. Oh, man. I think you're really onto something here, Andy.

What if you just brought the candy and start pouring it in? Oh, everybody pours in. There we go. Like the dirt that you put on the casket? Have you seen the little reels where they're like, hi, I'm John. Oh, yeah. And I brought the Skittles. Oh, yeah, for the party.

For the party. And you do that with the, oh, heck yeah. Do that at mine. Do that at mine? Well, I'm sorry. Won't be able to make it. Oh, don't bury me an ice cream. That's really.

He doesn't like being cold. I don't want to be absorbed. I just don't want to bloat. I don't want an ice cream bloat. Okay. Which one are you, which one are you going to the funeral? You know, I think, I think I've been talked the other way now. Okay.

I think I'd rather be a, I don't want to, like the kids' wedding. I can't imagine missing that. But if I missed a funeral, I still care about that person. We'll be able to make it. Yeah. Man, all right. Rocky from Patreon. Would you rather be the first zombie or the last human?

This question is no sense. It's not good because you don't have consciousness as a zombie. This is, but it's so easy. I mean, this is of course easy. Wait, what's the answer? The first zombie. No, what? See, this is where I wondered.

The first zombie. Why would you want to be the first zombie? You have no fear. There's no fear of zombies then. Don't you want to not be a zombie? Yeah, but eventually everyone will become a zombie. It doesn't say, I'm the last human. Yeah.

That'd be terrible. I might make it. The last human would be terrible. That means I was the best. I survived the longest. You don't, there's no winning, though. There's nobody to go to your funeral. I won for the entire time that I was human.

The things that you would have had to do to be the last human. Yeah. If you were the last human, you'd be like, I did it. Yeah, it's not right. As you stroll alone through the world. When I watch zombie movies, the people who are surviving, they are the winners. The ones that got turned to zombies are the zombies.

What are you talking? I mean, that's true. They're the losing. You never watch it go, oh, man, you got lucky, you got bit. Good for him. You think that? Well, I think that not in terms of, because the story is trying to get me involved and invested in the character's survival, but I'm like realistically, watch that life?

You want that life? If every person became a zombie though, you choose first, wouldn't you? So it just comes down to. You're saying if I could not survive. the entire world would be converted. If I knew for sure that I will be converted, that is the only way that I can see the answer of like, okay, yeah, it's better to be first to not watch.

Where do you want to be bit? If I had to... Because they go for the neck a lot. I don't want that. If I had to pick the spot, I would pick shin. Is there, Mike, you know zombie lore. Yes. Is your conversion into a zombie after being bitten

affected by the proximity of the bite to a certain organ, vital organ brain. Yes. So neck, you're going to convert quicker than like a toe bite? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, because you... Is it saliva? It's the virus or whatever is in them.

So if you get bit in the neck, that's going to be quicker to overtake your body than if you get bit in the foot. If you get bit and you know you're being converted, are you one of the ones that wants to just... Are you doing... Well, no, are you doing the... You get bit in the arm. Oh, can you cut that off? There are plenty of zombie cannon out there where that is a thing. So if you remove it before the virus spreads.

Yeah, the infection hasn't got to the rest of your body. Is that what I should do with the snake bite? Yes. Yes, just so you know. Also, not you listening. It doesn't matter about the snake. Any snake bite. You got to get that arm off.

It doesn't make a difference. Chop off the arm. Bee sting? Yeah. Be stings. Finger goodbye. Have you ever been stung, Andy? No, I've never been stoned.

You don't know how a lot. allergic you could be. That's true. So immediately. Have you ever been stung, Jason? No, I haven't. Yeah. But I did have a bee swarm at my house this morning.

So, like, which was, I like that discussion. So I want to bring that up. Jason's like, I had a, I had a bee swarm, which, where we live that happened. It is what they do. It does happen from time to time. Well, I'm saying like, you'll be like, oh, yeah, they show up in a tree. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. There is a hive here. And these bees are not pleased that there's other people around here. Displeased. Nice. Very nice. And Jason's like, I have, I had a bee problem and I went to call my bug guy. I have the best bug guy. And he's like, I like about it. And the bug guy just happened to the service happened to time up that he was there for what, probably regular pest control. Yeah, he was in my backyard spraying. And then the bees are there. And so the guy is like, I'll take care of the bees. I'm like, how do you know the bug guy didn't put the bees there? Which is the greatest racket of all time. You just place the bugs. and treat the bugs, place the bees, treat the bees. Hey, I saw you at a bee

issue. I just happened to be in the neighborhood. You bring a card and a scorpion and you just put, you know, just open the door, throw scorpion and leave the card on the door. Oh, that's funny. And then you get to take the beehive and be like, I'm going to humanely put this somewhere else. You just put it in someone else's yard.

Three doors down. Leave a card. It only works once, though, because if the animals come back, they're a bad bee guy or a bad pescat. Well, but there's so many houses. You go neighborhood. You can never stop. You'll never get caught. You'll hear something funny.

I actually... The bee grifts. I've actually thought... Mind you, I've never been stung, I could be killed by bees. I don't know. But I have... I'm pretty...

I'm pretty into bees. And I... What does that mean? That means that I would consider being a beekeeper. For real. Yeah. As in now you... Like, do the whole thing.

So like, so when a... Honey and everything. When a bee buzzes near you... Yeah, I don't freak out. You just kind of be like, Don't care. I like them. I like the B's.

Do you invite the B to land on you? I don't invite it. No, it is uninvited. It is, but I am not, I grew up very afraid of B's. Because I had never been stung and I'm an asthmatic. And I was afraid that A plus B equals death. Yeah, we all saw my girl. Yeah, oh man, we do.

But now, well, there's a couple questions I have, and Papa Josh might know this as a biologist. The first thing is not the one that gets you, though, right? That's correct. So everybody's first thing, you're not. allergic to? Is that actually true? That's correct. What? Because it's the second state. It's the build up.

Because bee venom, believe it or not, and I shouldn't know this. But bee venom is off, there are people that treat with bee stings. Because bee venom has, has attributes that are beating. They will sting themselves. They will get bees. They'll sting themselves six to eight times on the back. To build up

an immunity? No, it's not to build up in immunity. It's for health. Overcome stupidity. So it hasn't worked yet. Boy, you stupid. Let me try this. Anti-inflammatory. Bee venom is anti-inflammatory in nature. Really?

Yeah. So people treat with... Jay's is typing it right now. People treat with this, which is crazy. I've seen them like sting themselves. These are the same people that are still putting leeches on their body. People do all sorts of weird things. I'm not saying it's right. All I'm saying is that I'm...

I kind of like... Because bees are now, like, endangered, and because they play such a vital part in the ecosystem, I like them. Nerd. I know. That's why you like them? In part. You like them because... They were like the equivalent of an evil shark to me when I was growing up.

Like a shark is just there to eat people. Yeah. And I'm afraid of the ocean. You still are very afraid of bees. I have gotten much, much better. Oh, okay. I'm now at the point where I see them. I'm like, thank goodness that bees alive because it's doing good stuff.

I no longer shriek. And honey's delicious. And just wave them off. Honey is delicious. Yeah. Bees are great. Who is the... I might sting myself.

Oh, just to find out? Get it out of the way. But apparently I got to do it twice. Where in... With an epipin sitting close by. Where in humanity was someone... Look at the beehive like, hmm, those... I know what those things do.

What's in there? What do you got going on in there? What's all the... What are you so protective about, Mr. B? Did you know there were no honeybees in America? They were all brought over. Zero honeybees. Interesting.

Very true fact. Wait, where were they brought over from Europe? But if the bees are so important. Well, it doesn't mean there's non-pollinating bees. Honeybees. Bees that actually make honeybees. Oh, honeybees in America. Wow.

All brought over. On a boat? I think so. Wow. That's all they had. One bee made a long flight. All right. We will take a break and we'll do some guess, guess, guess goose.

What time is it? game time. Now, Andy, don't forget that part of being the goose is the goose has to explain the game. Oh, that's true. That's true. And no man has been a goose more than this guy. All right. Jason's got the goose hat on, which gave me quite the chuckle when I saw him reach over to put it on. I am the back to back to back. I don't know, but I'm going to be goosing. I'm going to goosing. Here's how the game is played. We're each going to ask a question. And We're going to answer what percentage of people believe that question. Because obviously the producers of this great show have gone out and they've procured the answers.

You ever answer those? Do you ever do a survey thing at the mall? Oh, yeah. I did that one time. Yeah, that was a nightmare. They're like, oh, I'll give you a movie ticket or something stupid. Yeah, like, I need you to come watch this commercial. Mm-hmm.

You're like, what? That's what the producers are doing. Is that goose not fitting like it used to? It's tight around the night. I feel like I'm getting choked. Anyways, we're going to, we're going to ask a question, take turns. And then Andy will say what percentage of people he thinks for his number. This is real low right now.

He gets four points if he guesses the exact right percentage. Two points, if the guesser is correct within 5%. So if you say it's 32%, and it's actually 35%, you get a couple points. And then the other two parties will say whether it's higher or lower than that number. Yeah, you'll catch on real quick. Yeah, it's easy. We're playing six rounds, so twice each. And then four points for, yeah, if you guess the exact number. And we'll see how we go. All right, I'm starting. What percentage of people believe that alien experiments have been performed? I've got to set the line here. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. With the knowledge that people are stinging themselves of B, this number has gone up.

Yeah, no, all right. Of what I would have guessed earlier today. My biggest fear here is I'm going to guess too low, genuinely. I will say that the percentage of people that believe that alien experiments have been performed by the U.S. government at Area 51 is 33% of people. Ooh. I think 33% of people believe that. So you guys have to decide if you're going to be higher or lower.

I wrote, you've got your head and reveal. I'm going higher. Jason's going higher than 33? I wrote down 20%. So Mike's going lower. You didn't hear that B-sting well enough. It's... All right, well, find out right now.

The answer is 44%. Oh, yes, baby. That's a bummer. I was not that far off. It's almost half. Almost half. I think it's an I want to believe situation, man. I guess let's pull this room.

Let's pull this room. I haven't really thought about it in a long time. I might know I don't believe. They did. Papa Josh? I believe so, yes. Okay, one. Mike, what do you believe?

Do you believe that they have performed? Alien experiments. Alien experiments. At area 51. I'd say yes or no question. I think no. I haven't thought about this a long time. I'm definitely on the no side.

I would have been on the yes side. So Jason gets one point. I get nothing because I was not close enough. And Mike gets nothing because he went lower. because he believes in humanity. Not anymore. Mike, you are. So Jason, right now, the goose himself has got the dominant one.

Nothing lead, baby. Mike, it is your turn. I'm flying. Cog, gong, gong. What percentage of people said they would keep working at their jobs if they won 900 million in a lottery? Okay. All right, Mike, set the line.

Who would keep working at their jobs if they won 900 million? Keep working. Yeah. Yeah, they like it. that much. Let's go 5%. Oh, that's going to make it tough, man. Five percent of people.

The problem is, I don't think it's that high. I'm going lower. Holy moly. I'm going lower. I almost open my mouth to say, well, that makes it easy when you win 5%. That's got to be higher than that. But if the answer is lower, then I'll win. Well, that's correct.

Yeah. So I know how the game. You think that among the, you know, United States of America, there's so many people that who just, if they got $900 million of a big, I'm going to keep going to work. I love my job. I think people go, well, I'm not sure what I would do. Yeah, maybe I'd keep my job. All right. Let's find out. What is the answer? This one's crazy to me. 37% of people said they would keep their job. Dude, that was the odds on. Were they being asked by their boss? Oh, that would do it. Because no. That is baloney.

I mean, that was the easy odds favorite is to go higher, but I genuinely am shocked. I thought it might be like, I did too. That's why I went lower. That is baloney. Are you sure that wasn't 3.7% of people? 37. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you're pulled by their direct like a manager. Okay, you know, all working people, do you like

your job? That number is under 50%. We like our jobs. I know. Mike, are you staying here with 900 million? That's a lot of money, guys. Jason? I'm out, baby. Josh? $900 million. You working here? Yeah. okay no you're not oh but we're the boss asking the employer that's how it works dang it yeah all right 100% of people i mean like this jason is looking to shake this goose right off his head in a side of like what do you what percentage of people do you think like their job in the united

states of america are you testing the next question yeah i'm testing the next question here go ahead jay all right then lead by jason my question is what percentage of people we've that's what I heard too Peep, poop Peep poop What percentage of people Wink primarily with their left eyes Eyes?

It's pluralized in the question But it should be eye Their left eye How is this is why I was testing It's people So it's all their eyes Yeah, but you're left eye What do I do if I'm

I don't wink a lot, man Oh man What do I do? This is a tough one, Jay You know what's tough? Winking. And not not the the physical act of it, but like, at the right time.

Because I feel like, I feel like high 90s is the percentage of time that a wink is going to be gross. But there's, there's sometimes you're like, oh man, what a good, what a good timed wink. All right. Can you wink, Mike? Yeah. Oh, okay. What, you can't win?

Can you wink? Of course. Okay. Wait, I was, I was tested. I just wanted to watch what you guys. Oh, that's a great way to do that. And one of you used your right, one of you used the left on. He was over there practice.

I'm setting my line at 50%. Okay. Of the two people I pulled. Oh, go ahead, Andy. Well, we have to decide independently here. He went 50%. Oh, wait. Can I change my answer?

Nope. It's locked in. It is locked in. Wink primarily with their left. I'm going higher. I think it's... I'm going higher as well. I think it's correlated with your dominant hand.

Oh, your opposite of your dominant hand. Oh, your opposite? Then you would want to go lower. No, because it's just primarily with the left eyes. You would want to go. If I'm locked in, you're locked in. I think it matches your dominant hand. That means you should go lower.

What percentage? Oh, wait. It doesn't matter. You're both locked in higher. Now I'm all confused. Both locked in. Because if I'm locked in, you're locked in. Oh, yeah.

No, I definitely meant lower. I was going to change my answer to lower because I think a lot of people. You don't get to say higher or lower because you set the percentage. I was going to set my percentage lower than what I said. All right. You can change. What's your percentage? You can change.

What do you want to put in? 42%. Okay. I'm going on. lower still because I've figured out my method. I'm going higher. Okay. All right, Josh. Well, the answer is 38%. So you guys just

gave Jason a bunch of points. That's fine. That's fine. I changed it to a victory. So wait, how many points does it get? Two? He gets two. He gets two. He was up to five percent. I'm set up for gusing. See, what Donned on me is not... Man, left eye waking is hard. I think that there's... There has to be

a strong percentage of people who they don't have an like they don't have it's not right or left it's like they don't have a primary wink they go I don't I don't know so do I primarily blink with my left no so the you know that's why I love it. All right. Not really easy to take you seriously with a goose on your head. That's fair.

What percentage of people prefer waffles over pancakes? So this is the waffle lovers of the world. I got to set a line here preferring waffles over pancakes I've got a number. I'm going to lock it in right away. It's 40%. Higher.

Waffles over pancakes. You shouldn't have revealed that that quick, Mike, because you guys should have been simultaneous. I don't care. For the chance to not let Jason play the game. I don't care either. I want the right answer. I want to sweep this thing.

I think that, so you're saying 40% prefer waffles. I'm going to go higher too. I think... Waffles are superior. They are superior, but I don't think that... I think it's going to be... I think the world likes pancakes more than they like waffles. They certainly order it more.

They order it more. All right, what is the answer? The answer is 51%. I am dead. I'm a dead man. You want this hat right now? I'm very close to it. I've got no points.

Jason with four. Mike with two. Mike, oh no. Go ahead. All right. I can only tie Mike with a perfect finish. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, man, I got to get one more point. Yeah. What percentage of people can pronounce K-N-W-K-W-K-E-N-O-A? Which I said it right?

You sure did. Keen-W-Spelled Q-U-I-N-O-A. So the people out there, some are going, Quinoa. Can pronounce Kien-W correctly. Yeah, go ahead, Mike. Set the line. I'm going to put it at, I think it's most people. Keenwa is

We're finding out what it is What a weird question to poll people to be like, yeah, I can't. Yeah, I can't pronounce it correctly. Well, maybe they just say, hey, what's this word? What is this word? That's fair. And they go, Quinoa. That's why you got four points.

I'm going to go with 80%. Oh, man. I was going to go pretty near there. I'm blocked. Are you? Yeah, I'm locked. I am lower. I'm lower.

Okay. Please tell me I can, I can, I can, Mike. No. This is a high scoring round. The answer is 75%. Booyah! So Mike gets two points. Jason gets another point. That's mine. Yeah. I'm dead. Yeah. But hold on. Jason's at five. Yeah. And I'm at four. Yeah. So you guys can. I can tie it. Maybe. All right. All right. My final question. What percentage of people hate coconut? What percentage of people hate. coconut. I am mostly one of those people. Don't give them information. You're mostly one of those people? How can you be mostly someone that hates coconut? Well, I like peanut coladas and I like

coconut flavoring, but I don't like eating coconut itself. Like when people put it into candy bars or cookies or whatever the crap that is. So if you were asked this question in a mall, how would you have answered? Do you hate coconut? I don't think I hate coconut. Okay. So you're talking like shaved coconut. Yeah. What percentage of people hate coconut? I'm going to say, I'm going to say 30, 38% Oh, 38%. I don't care my answer. It makes no difference.

You should. You're at a zero, man. That's true. I don't want to get a goose. Oh, you could. We got to get you a golden goose. We have never had someone goose. You should.

You just spray paint this gold. Well, that'd be, yeah. It'll be real stinky. We need a regular goose for when somebody scores one point. What did you go? 38%. What did I say? To hate.

To hate. You said 38. Okay. I think I hate coconut I'm going lower I'm going lower The answer is 31% And he got a point No golden goose baby but I am the goose in a big way That's disappointing but that also means

I mean I tied you Mike got a point and I didn't so we tied Good work we are the winners Nice job champ We'll take a break I'm the goose for next time Let's draft the spitballers draft. All right, I'm really happy to get a point, by the way. That's what a round.

I'm not the goose. You're not the goose. Has Mike ever been the goose? Yeah. Okay. I wasn't sure if you'd ever, I don't remember you. I've goose before. Once, once, I remember.

I can't imagine now that goose. You couldn't have. Did you, did you strap it? I was probably riding dirty with that thing. It was tight. Yeah. We're drafting the worst thing. to find left. I'm alive, so I must

not have put it on. The worst things to find left on your front porch. So the way I was thinking about this it's like, ding-dong. I don't know if, yeah, you get the ding-dong. Maybe it's in the morning you go out and you find something sitting on your front porch. But this is the worst things you want to find out there, Jason. You have

the first pick in the draft. I mean, this is the classic. This is a one-on-one for Jason. This is how spitballers drafts start. It's a flaming bag of poop. Yeah, it is. Don't put it with your boots stand? There you go.

So the flaming bag of poop. It makes sense. You dressed it up, though. You just poop poop. Yeah. I went full Adam Sandler. Flaming bag would be much worse. I got to make a decision here.

Here's a question for you. If you don't catch it while it's on fire, right? Because they don't, you know, you're not home. It just burns like a candle. Does the poop burn out? No. Okay. Just making sure you, you know.

don't like to say maybe that was better but uh i don't think that poop just doesn't burn it'll just crisp it up all right i will go with a baby oh it is on my list that's a good one it is on my list of all the things to find i don't have a list oh yeah i'm blind today what are you doing uh he even bragged about it too when he walked in he's like i don't have a list i'm going with a baby because the added complexity of the baby on the i mean some things oh you got to clean them up some things i you gotta move them. A baby's a whole big old problem. You have to do something. You have to. You can't just shut the door. No. You don't get to just be like

real slow. I didn't see it. Nope. Nope. No. No, a baby. A baby is one of the worst things to find on the front porch. Now it's like you got to call somebody. Got to take it somewhere. Got to raise it secretly. Mike, you are on the clock. Two picks. Worst things to find left on your front porch. All right, baby was on my list. It was a little bit lower than, I mean, come on guys, this is a dead body. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That is, you got a big problem. Yeah. Because, I don't know, man. The dead body versus the live baby, which is the bigger problem? Uh, well, I'm saying you, the baby, maybe. I didn't mean the rhyme. Uh, but I mean, it's like, you call, guess who's

suspect number one when you called the police. Okay. You're like, I have to report there. I found a body on my portion. I'm like, hmm, how'd that get there? You better hope it's somebody you don't know. Yeah. If it's someone you know, it's way worse.

So you got a funeral you got to go to. Not only do you have to take care of it and call some people and figure it out, but I think that you are on list somewhere. Dead body. So this one is, this one's just more practical. you forgot you ordered groceries. Oh, that's a good one. Also, they're like, the old groceries?

All your milk was just sitting there overnight and you open that door and you're like, oh, shit. Oh, man. Jason has a place a couple hours north of here and has on multiple occasions ordered a load of food for his house here in the valley only to discover it was all delivered because he ordered it for the cabin up north. That has happened so many times that it is infuriating, but I don't take one ounce of credit for this. It has never once been me or...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who could it have been? I won't say. We're all trying to find the person. So you went with the old grocery. Yeah. That's demoralizing. Yeah, that'd be bad.

It's not scary. Except, I mean, for the wasted money. All right. Well, inspired by today's episode of the show, I'm going to go number two. I may like them, but I don't want to find them on my front porch. I'm going to go a swarm of bees. So I'm going to go a beehive. Jason's got a guy who definitely didn't put it there.

Yes. Yes. So baby and a beehive. The third one is better be another bee. I'm going to draft it. It does. I mean, it's technically part of mics, but I think you'll let me have it. Oh, wait.

It's not my pick. Oh, I was waiting. I was like, I was like, okay. What is it? I'm about to take it from you. You were so close. I'm not doing good today. I'm a goose.

I don't know my order in the draft. All right, Jason. You are on the clock. It's totally you. It is totally mean. First, I'm going to say an eviction notice. You open that door and all of a sudden. That's not my home no more.

That sucks. That's just, that's sad. Yeah, you don't want it. I feel like there was a disproportionate amount of like childhood shows where like people showed up not just with the eviction notice but with the the wrecking ball like the house is going to like oh right you're like your your bill is doing three to what knock it down and we use that's what we do huh we use the wrecking ball for sure okay that's just the only way that's what my only said yeah all right so you got an eviction notice that's good and my last one is

going to be because I think this would be I think this would be worse than anything I think I found the worst one. A lit stick of dynamite. What? Hey man. You open that door. That's got to be really well time. Oh yeah. I mean, you better. What are you doing? You're trying to

kick it? Are you running? You picking it up? I'm running. I'm running. I'm not going for a kick. But if you're running, that means your your house is getting dynamited. I'll kick it if I can see a really long wick. Is that what it's called? On a stick of dynamite? A wick? Yeah, it might be. It's a fuse.

Fuse. Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you, Papa Josh. The wick is a fuse. Tomato tomato. It's the same word. I was like a lot of birthday fuses on my cake. All right.

My pick, I was going with it before, before I luckily detour. Oh, it wasn't the stick of dynamite? I was going severed head. That kind of sounds like a dead body. I mean, it's attached to a body. It's attached to a boss. It's easy, guys. I'll pivot horse head.

Okay. Yes, that's okay. This is not hard. No, perfect. This ain't complicated. Perfect. Horse head it is. Yeah, you don't want it in the bed.

You don't want it on your porch. And that one begs more questions. You find a dead body. Someone laid down, they died. It might have been some person dealing with someone. Or someone dropped it there, yeah. You find a horse head. Somebody cut a horse head off and then brought to your house.

That's a message. I want to know what they did with the horse. They probably ate it. Nobody's ever said, nobody's left a horse. Nobody's left the horse body in the bed. It's always the head because the body's pretty big. The body's super hard to carry around. Yeah, it's not a gag. It's not a good gag.

No. Doesn't send a message. Man, to get a severed horse head into someone's bed while they are asleep, you're the sneakiest personal life. Is that how that worked? It was like you go to sleep and then you wake up and it's in the bed? There's a horse's head in your bed. I mean, it's easier to do the front porch if you follow my instructions. Right. Much easier. Much easier. All right, I'm going horse head.

Thank you for letting me detour to that. Yeah, that's a better pick. It didn't start with B though. Your baby and your beehive. Oh, I was trying to alliterate. All right, I got two picks. A big horse head. There you go.

A big horse head. Beheaded horse head. That's a little, yeah, it's a redundant. Mike, you got two more picks. I'm going with, it's a note. And it says, I'm in the house. Okay. Interesting. That's a real...

That's probably a gag. They put it on the outside of your house. Yeah, it's a real weird move, man. So you open the door and you're like, who's... I'm not out here. And then you go outside, shut the door so you can read the note. And then they say, why you shut it on the outside? They lock it behind you?

No, I'm just saying. Then it's like, I'm in the house. I'm like, I'm safe. I'm on the outside. Why are you going outside to read the note? It's stuck to the door, right? They put it on the outside. Did they stick the note?

to the inside of the door? I'm imagining it's just on the ground. Okay. But why are you going out closing the door to, is that how you take your packages? If there's bees out there it is. Just,

Hey. All right. That's a new one. And then another, that's like a dude who didn't have a list would answer that one. I don't know. I didn't have a list.

I'm crushing. I'm going with this one because it's a little spooky and it's also an annoyance. It is a box of, unlabeled VHS tapes. Okay. Because what's on there? You're like, do I want to

find out? Well, now I probably had to find out. And how am I going to find out? Well, now I got to go find a VCR. How do you find a VCR? Do they still sell VCR? I don't know. This is what I'm saying. It's, it's creepy. Amazon's got to sell those. And it's annoying. I mean, do you have a Vs? Josh, do you have a VCR laying around? Not anymore.

No, of course not. I can get a MagnaVox DVD player VCR combo. it's renewed 279. That's expected. They're not, they're not manufacturing these. So you're not going to find something new. I would imagine you're not. You're probably going to have to go like garage sailing. When's the last time you heard Magnavox?

Oh, wow. Yeah. They did a lot. Not since they've gone out of business. They did a lot in the VCR department here from what I'm seeing. DVDs, we've got nothing to worry about. All right. My last pick here, I'm going to go alligator. Oh, all right.

Which I think does happen sometimes. time in Florida. Oh, for sure it does. So, um, I don't want to find an alligator left on my front porch. I'm going to go with that. All right. So you got bees and alligator. I'm going to, I'm going to take an animal thing. Yeah, you got a whole, you got a horse. If the alligator's out there with the horse head, I know what happened to the horse. It would be a lot less scary. That alligator ate the horse. If I saw them next to each other, I would believe that. You wouldn't make that assumption? You would think the horsehead came from something else? I'd go with the bloody alligator. If there's an alligator and anything that's, yeah, severed. I'm going, A plus, I know who did it.

I just don't. I don't think that he could have. He's not beating the rap, man. All right. Okay, I've got my last pick. It's so dumb. He's allegations like, I swear, this isn't what it looks like. They were trying to intimidate you. Burp Got a lot of ways I could go here Do you? I do Okay

I think I'm gonna stick to the truth Because I I see a lot of bad things A ransom note A robber You know Someone pointed a gun at you

Yeah But I've got something Far worse than that If I open the door And someone was pointing a gun at me My life is on the line Yeah But if I open a door

And there's a tarantula on the porch. Okay. I am immediately dead. The heart has stopped. You'd rather have the gun. Yes, absolutely. That is a Jason pick.

If I open that door and there's a tarantula there, boom, life over. I'd like to imagine that the tarantula knocked. With one of its eight arms. Is there a soft wrapping at the front of the door? What could that be? Just a friendly tarantula. Can't you turn over a new leaf like me and bees? Can't you become, like tarantulas, they don't do nothing wrong.

They exist. Yeah, no, they... Just existing is too much. The only thing that I want them to have in common with bees is I want them to be starting to, like, leave the planet. Jason with flaming bag of poop and eviction notice, a little stick of dynamite. Oh, not a little stick, a lit stick.

At tarantula, I have a baby, a beehive, a horsehead, and an alligator. And Mike went with dead body, old groceries, and I'm in the house note in a box of unlabeled VHS tapes, courtesy of Magnavox Any This show brought to you by I didn't have a whole lot of honorable mentions Other than like a dead animal of some sort

Or something super heavy was an answer Because you've got to get something heavy off your porch It's like a piano Oh man that'd be so bad I don't want a piano Right Unless you're needing a piano Having one is a problem

There are items that I will never sell on like Facebook marketplace or off-front because they're so heavy that they're giveaways. They're like, you're doing me a favor by taking this heavy thing for free. Just an anvil? Yeah. Yeah,

that would just be. On my list, I have a live lobster because that actually happened. What? What? Yeah. Wait, some friend,

a friend, a big gag? I literally have. In Arizona. This is a mystery. What? You don't know? I know.

What? When was this? I was a teenager. Okay. So I'm living at, so I'm living in my parents' house. and one day I return from whatever, you know, hijinks I'm getting up to, and there's a lobster with a string tied to it and the doorknob.

I'm like, oh, my God. They tied a string to the doorkn't so it couldn't crawl away. What'd you do? I ran inside and I was like, Mom! Oh, okay. Because first I was like, oh, that's weird. And then I gave it a little tap with the foot and then it started moving. and so wait but so you had to like hop over it to run inside right because it's a monster oh my gosh

but yeah who did it if you're listening to this podcast you can tell me let me know yeah i've wondered my whole life who did it when you opened to the door did the lobster like go with the door handle then like pulled into the house no no it was the string was long enough oh okay that's smart it was kind of always have a long enough leash for your lobsies you leave on the front Front porch. The mom and dad took care of it. Did they eat it? I don't know.

I don't know. That's interesting. I mean, it's a live lobster. That's the problem for me. A live lobster would be like, what do I do with this? You cook it. Yeah. Is that what you would do?

It's really what you should do. It's probably what you should do. Yeah. I mean, what else could you possibly do with a lobster in Arizona? The lobster is going to die. See, I'd leave it on someone else's porch. That's the right. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I think that's the important thing. What did we learn today? Well, that, you know, the hot streaks and guess, guess goose don't last forever. I just learned that Mike had a live lobster. I just learned that you can even put a live lobster on someone's porch. Mike learned something about bee stings. It's probably a real inhumane thing to do, but they did it. Yeah, yeah, you can go sting yourself later.

I will not be doing that. benefits. Get the leeches. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.