Spitballers Comedy Podcast - I See Stick Figures & Creative Ways to Dispose of a Dead Pet - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Spit Hit for Feb 13th, 2025: On today’s show, Jason re-lives the recent tragic death of his son’s bearded dragon, Spike. We follow that up with a draft of the most creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. What more could you ask for? Don’t miss this one! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. A bingity bang bong bing bong ba dingity boop boop. The ba dingy in the middle? I said no it was fine man. I thought it was really good. You just felt like it was... I didn't want to end with a boop boop and yet I did. I don't think you did. I think you ended with a boop poop. Oh, did I a boop poop? That's what I heard

We'll have to check the tape. Yeah, I mean that's uh We'll see what the like the YouTube if you put the transcript up there what it interprets my scat at the auto translation Yeah, yeah, it's a fun game. Also. How you doing now doing well. Thank you. Hey welcome back good to be back Fresh off of eight weeks of vacation Al Borland finally back in the studio feeling rested Yeah, I mean, that's a good long run You may have only noticed him missing from one episode, but To oh yeah Okay, yeah, whatever cuz like our efficiency actually went way up when he was out. So we got more done

Yep, so much more. Let me know if you need me to leave again. These paid vacations are welcome. Yeah, I know. We did pay him for it. That was the mistake. Would you rather is this real life? And we are drafting, I think it'll be a funny one, creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. So I'll be curious as we go through that draft,

just whether any of you have stories from your childhood that relate to those circumstances. I mean I guess I could ask you now, do you have any stories about dead pets? Oh they're really happy stories. Yeah well I have a horrific memory of my mother being in nursing school and so part of that was in a freezer in the backyard she had a dead cat like that she had to like yours no no not a pet not a pet I was gonna say this is such a classic tale of nursing yeah well though I think this was very common like for dissection or biology or whatever reason she did She know she couldn't bring it back. She did. The nursing had failed. The nurse. She's a terrible nurse. Uh, and

she received the cat alive. Um, and then it was like, well, I'm just going to keep it in the freezer. Um, no, but the reason I say it was horrific is because, you know, if I'm out swimming in the pool or playing in the grass, if that cat was out, you knew it. There was a very... Wait, the cat was brought in and out multiple times? Of the freezer? Yes, to work on certain... To thaw?...class things. I don't know what she was doing. You sure she was a nurse? I was not in her class. Yes, I'm sure she was a nurse. I'm just hopeful that this was

dealing with the nursing school. Right. But yeah, the smell. I didn't know there was a lot of thawing, freezing, thawing, freezing. I didn't either. I thought it was more of a one-time dissection. And then get it out.

Look, if it was one time in my memory, that smell. It made a mark. Has stayed with me. I can smell it to this moment. Yeah, I mean outside? Yeah, oh you don't want that to get inside Mike. Of course I do. I'm just saying like the fact that you were in an outdoor area and it was still that overwhelming. That's what I'm saying. We lived on a cold sack. We had a decent size yard. I was not near this cat.

And it was, you knew. you just knew. It was absolutely horrific. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I know that like a general story of a pet dying is not a funny story. Right. I'm thinking more of like the, there's often those pictures of parents, like, you know, the gerbil dies and they have to figure out what to do. To replace it. To like, do you try to, yeah, it's like a sitcom story that you'd see, you know?

I did try to set a gerbil free once. Oh, back to their native land of the desert? To the habitat, yeah. And then- You're free. I did. Run amongst the sand. And it wasn't a gerbil, it was a hamster.

And to be clear, shouldn't be pets. I mean, hamsters are the worst. I mean, just the stupidest, dumbest. They don't play with any of the things you buy for them. They sleep during the day. They run in the wheel. If you're lucky, they run in the wheel. Mine didn't.

I built them this huge, giant, almost like, it was a theme park with tubes and all that stuff. They just sat in the small little cage all day long, pooping, and then at night they're awake. Yeah. And they're just trying to get out of their cage at night so they keep you up. Just trying to keep you awake.

And then during the day they're asleep or they bite you. I mean, that's the only thing that happens. I actually have a good story. I tried to set it free in the forest. So I have a story. I don't know why this. And then I took it back. I don't know how this didn't come to mind because this was like two weeks ago. I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest,

I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest,

I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest,

I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, I went to the forest, and it's grown to full size and we had gone on a little vacation. I make my son take care of him and he doesn't do the best job. But I make sure he gets fed most of the time. You know what I mean? I really take care of him.

But anyways. How often do you feed a bearded dragon? We feed ours every day. And what do you feed them? Bugs? Mostly worms. mostly meal worms. Okay. So one night, uh, my, my youngest was feeding him and he says to me, dad, I think spike is dead. And I was like, nah, he's probably not dead. And so I go tuckered out. It's just tuckered out. So I go to the cage and tap on the cage, open the cage, tap on him, move him a little, and Spike's dead.

And so that was real sad. I, you know, my son started to cry and because his pet had died. And so I was thinking, okay, I've gotta, this was like as I was tucking him in, we went through that whole experience and then later when he was asleep, I came down to dispose of the body, which is what the draft is about today.

I didn't wanna touch him. What was the plan? Where was your disposal plan? My disposal plan was garbage. You know, it's not a- Not even like them. What was the plan? Where was your disposal plan? My disposal plan was garbage. I'm just gonna say, you know, it's not a... That's not even like a shoe box in the ground? A shoe box in the garbage. I'm gonna very nice, I'm gonna decorate the shoe box,

put a little pillow in there, it's all tuckered out. But I didn't want to touch it. Not the freezer. No. I didn't want to touch them. I don't know why, it just, you know, grosses me out. So I literally got a spatula Oh like a kitchen spatula. Yes a big one like the barbecue ones

I wanted a long handle so yeah, I'm two feet away from a spatula spike I'm a spatula not even tongs up Up into well the tongs were a cast-iron skillet. I'm sure Long enough. I'm sure long enough I didn't want to be near this thing and so I Spatula under him, you know got to get under the legs and all that. Is there an inadvertent Flip no, not and I didn't I didn't flip him like a flapjack but I pick him up and I bring the garbage bag over and then

his head raises up. And I was like, oh my goodness, he's not dead. And so I think he was, because what had happened, I just don't remember. He threw a living bearded dragon away. The reason that we thought he had died was we have like this carpet and he had gotten under it. And so, you know, they're cold blooded.

So he couldn't get to his heat lamp and he was like underneath the carpet where we found him. And so I just assumed he like froze under there. So he was hibernating. And so I moved him on the spatula up to his heat lamp and he's happy, healthy to this day. Wow. So there's an interesting Lazarus story for you.

Thank you. There's an interesting Lazarus story for you. Thank you. Would you rather? Jenna from Instagram, would you rather live a life full of joy and laughter, but with no memories? Or a life full of memories, but with little joy and laughter? What is life? Joy.

What is life without memories? You know what I mean? Like you're living in the moment. You remember now, but like, is that life? I think, I think it's a little difficult because what is a memory technically? Like memories. There you go. Well, look, look. Yeah, baby.

Because isn't that true? Because like, would you, you're not saying that the fact that you remember your kid's name, that's not a memory. You use your memory to recall his name, but it's not a memory. Like I don't have a, you're not memorizing some moment where you knew his name. So I know who I am. I'm just thinking that maybe you know who you are, you know who people are, but you're not memorizing some moment where you knew his name. It's like. So I know who I am. I'm just thinking that maybe you know who you are, you know who people are, but you're Goldfish.

It's like, you can't reflect on anything that's happened, which it'll affect how you appreciate things. Okay, I guess I interpreted that as you have no memory at all. But this question does say with no memories, so I think it is specific to, not to being able to like have knowledge But just to be able to remember the good times that you've had right which ironically

You wouldn't have because your memories would be a time You have no joy or laughter with your memories because all of your all of the events that happen would not contain joy or laughter I think we have a circular Problem where everything just breaks down for this question. Really? Yeah. How? Because if you have no memories, and you have joy and laughter, I don't know, it's like...

You don't think you'd appreciate the joy and laughter? It just seems... In the moment? It's in the moment. Like right here, right now. I'm not thinking about any memories. I'm just living with you guys like right here right now. I'm not thinking about any memories, I'm just living with you guys right here. Now I am not this hypothetical case,

but I'm not far off. From no memories? From, like I have a pretty joy-filled, laughter-rich life that I just don't remember. Mike, you have an elephant's memory, you can remember how everything went down and all the moments and and bring them back up. And then I can remember, you know, because I'm not this hypothetical

situation. But I really just I, I let things go. Things come and they go. And it's kind of like a goldfish. I just don't hold on to those. So but they're still there because there's the reason why something can trigger that something can bring you joy and laughter is because you have built on memories. I mean, I guess there's some things that are just like human nature of like a little kid, go fast. You're like, oh, that's enjoyable. But I'm like saying, but like things that you laugh at, your sense of humor has been

built on your experiences over time. I don't know about that completely. I'm just saying like we sit around the table here in the studio and we hear other people's stories of their life and we laugh and we have joy and they have nothing to do with my memories. They just have to do with them telling me something funny. But we have context of experiences we have lived in our life that we understand why that is funny.

Otherwise it would just be a story. You would have memories but no laughter or joy. I think when I go to restaurants and I watch those TVs that are like Chive TV and it's just a bunch of people falling down, I don't need to have any experience to know that's funny. I mean that is really funny to watch people fail at things. I think there's some things that are just natural, like it just built into us as human beings going fast is fun. When people fall down and get hurt, not seriously hurt, but when people get hurt,

it's it's funny. We laugh at that. My final answer will be the life with joy and laughter and no memories, because I think ignorance is a bless for a reason. And I will be ignorant to the memories but if you live the life with memories and no joy or laughter you will constantly be reminded a stacking amount of memories that do not contain joy now to be fair Jenna from IG said but with little joy and laughter oh it's not no joy Jenna that's a way that's a big little well Here's here's the funny thing if you are always full of joy and laughter

The barometer for those moments, you know is is not they aren't as valuable as when you live a hard life But you have a few moments of joy and laughter those become even more special Yeah, but I'm sure yeah, mean, we're all taking the life full of joy and laughter. You gotta have joy and laughter. Aiden from Patreon, would you rather have to stay in school forever or never be able to learn anything new? How would that even work?

So you're just saying the second you leave school, you're capped on your knowledge? Is that how you're interpreting that out? I think you have to make a decision today whether or not you're gonna stay in, or go back to school and stay there the rest of your life or continue to be able to. Oh, so like I can live with the knowledge I have now?

I mean, we're not learning new stuff anymore. I would actively keep my knowledge now because that would learn anything. I am losing information at this stage of my life. You learn new stuff all the time. Do I? You do. You do.

We do. You're like the person spearheading all of our company's knowledge on what is going on with AI. That's you. You are the one who is doing that. It has lit a fire of passion for you and you're learning a whole bunch of brand new stuff and skills and that would have been impossible. Do you want to know what the next social network is after, you know, right now TikTok is the newer one from Instagram?

I would love to. Well, you won't be able to learn how to use it. Oh, that's true. Because this says you're either in school or you can't learn new things. Can I do remote schooling now? Can I do one class a semester? No. You can do remote schooling. You thought about it. You can do remote, but you still got to give, I'd say, three to four hours a day in school.

Can I go to the university? Can I be the old guy at the college parties? Oh, yeah. You can't. College life was absolutely excellent. It might have been the best of life. It's your first taste of freedom. It is your first taste of freedom. You are old enough to be considered an adult. You certainly know that you are. I mean.

Yeah. Yeah, you're definitely a big boy. Looking back, he's like, wow, we're little kids on campus doing stupid stuff. But at the time, man, you think you're really a mature adult, and yet you get to make all these mistakes, have fun, and you're still, when you're at a university, you're still insulated. You know what I mean? Right. You know, all the responsibilities of the world, they're still insulated. You know what I mean? Right.

All the responsibilities of the world, they're not on you yet. You got student loans paying for dinner. So I don't know. That was the life. So you're going to school? If I can go. Can I be on campus at a university?

You sure can. Oh, brother. See you guys later. I am full time, rest of my life, college student. It's funny because that like insulated environment is almost like the retirement home. Yes, yes, I'm retiring from the university. It's so self-contained, you got the rec center. But you also get to learn. Like the way...

Learning's fun. There's something I think that is unfortunate about the way that our system is set up of like kids We we put them in school right away. They hate school until the moment they graduate they go to college Or you know if they want to continue their education some kids go to college a Lot of kids still continue to hate the education some just party their way through some learn some really good stuff And that's like well. That's the end I I hated school. I hated high school I just all I wanted to do was get out of there

And then I was removed for many many years, and I went back to college in my like later 20s And it well it was I didn't go to university was just trade school. It was awesome man like I learned so I learned so much stuff. I was engaged as in like I'm learning something for a trade or a skill that I'm passionate about and I was on fire. I was at school. I was going to ask you. I hated missing school. I hated it. And then when I would get home, I'd have I've had homework. I'm like, this is awesome. I get to do all these computer programs. I hated it. And then when I would get home, I'd have homework, I'm like, this is awesome. I get to do all these computer programs.

I was just curious how much of liking school just has to do with the fact it was your idea. You know how like when something's your idea, you can get behind it? Like when you're a kid, it's not your idea. You're forced to do it. That could be. Did you care about grades?

Or did you care about grades, or did you do it just That could be. Did you care about grades? Uh, it was, or did you care? Like, did you care about grades or did you do it just to learn? In a, cause we're so when I went back, when you went back, like, yeah, I mean, I had the goal. I was, I was trying to be valedictorian. I was, uh, I ended up as Mr. Fancy pants. I failed. I was the salutatorian, which is second place. Pretty close. First loser. Uh, but yeah. So I mean, it was the salutatorian which is second place pretty close first loser But yeah, so I mean it was grades were important to me because I'd set the goal of I'm gonna do the very best I could but I just I loved learning new things that you I had reached that point in my life where school was acceptable and

Getting new information, but maybe maybe you're on to something of it was my idea to go back and maybe that's why I enjoy it. I actually think we are onto something with this forever university idea, because if I can elaborate a little, you don't pay student loans when you're in college. Right. You know what I mean? You just keep taking them. You just keep taking them.

Oh, so you're never paying these loans up. Oh, no, because I'm never leaving college. I'm for- And they go, you die they they could go with you. They don't get passed down to your family Oh student loans do not get passed down. I mean, what's why? What is the cap? What is the campus to how many degrees? I get how long I can live on? He died with 86 degrees What's the record for most degrees? Most degrees an important question we must answer. Were they able to pull that off entirely on student loans? What is the record on student loans? I have 62

million dollars in student loans. I guess I would rather learn forever and just embrace that environment. I think you could live a good I've always been romanticized living on campus someplace because I never got to do it. Oh it's all it's excellent I was just off campus it was like the cool guy in the apartment near the dorms. Oh yeah yeah yeah you want to go to your dorm or you want to go to the apartment? So you were the gross old guy? Well I was a kid so I was okay now I would be the gross old guy. Well, I was a kid, so I was okay. Now I would be the gross old guy. Did you figure out the record for degrees? It seems it's Michael W. Nicholson who has 30 degrees.

I can do better. Yeah, if you live there, yeah. That's a lot of degrees. All right, are we all sticking in school? Yeah, well, two thirds. Yeah, I mean, Jason needs a roommate. Yeah, thank you, Mike. Tyler from Patreon, would you rather be able to paint any picture you can imagine, or be able to write

an amazing song at the drop of a hat? Ooh, fun ones. So this might surprise you, because I think the majority of people would prefer the music, would prefer the songs. I think it's maybe even a cooler trait to have. But the reason that I would love to be able to paint any picture you imagine

is because of how incredibly far away from that I am. Like, I don't know how to play the piano, but I could learn how to play the piano. I know that. You know, I'm- You could learn to paint but I could learn how to play the piano. I know that I you know I'm good learn to paint. I could not learn I could there's here's how I know it's impossible I can't picture in my head What I want to draw or paint so I don't need to learn how to paint

I need to learn how to think before I can then learn that it's do you see in your head? I see broken ponies drawn in sticks. I mean, there's nothing that comes to my head when I go to draw. When I try to, like, if I'm going to draw a football, the football in my head, I wish it was clip art. I wish I could conjure up a clip art football in my mind. What I am Visioning what my visioning my what I am visioning right now is a

two dimensional stick outline totally oblong Football for a football now. Do you what size font do you think in? you're imaging these things? When I'm visioning, if I'm visioning deeply, it's a smaller font size. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like an eight, a nine. Oh, an eight, a nine? You can still see that up there?

In my head, yes. Now, in the real world, no. I'm going to need a better prescription on these lenses. You're an 18 or above. 18 or above in print. Yes now you do You this is kind of an inside joke because Jason has always zoomed in his screen. Yes. He's always zoomed websites He's always when I when he'd asked me to make websites

He always wants the fonts about two bigger than my two font sizes bigger than my sensibilities What I'm curious in is I? Two font size is bigger than my sensibilities. What I'm curious in is, do you write in a bigger font? When you write a letter or you write on something, do you increase your penmanship size? I do not, no. I think that- Can you read your own handwriting?

I can read my own handwriting. Do you hold it up to, I'm saying like, is it too small? Well, let me think here. If I was, I mean, I guess- Let me write something, I'll give you the font size. All right, let me Give me a minute to vision something here. Okay, it's like a stick figure but letters. Okay, well you guys talk I'll write something. All right great now Mike, which would you go with the amazing song? Like I know if you put your mind to it and you sat down

There's no way that you would say I couldn't go make an amazing song right now. So is that a reason to choose the picture, or is it like, I mean, it would be. The process is still difficult for the song right now. Sure, and like, I guess the process, sometimes it's very, very easy, but sometimes it is extremely difficult, and you sit there forever and ever,

and you're not getting anything done. So if it's at the drop of a hat, you're just always creating an amazing song, that sounds fantastic. I'm with Jason of Art is Sorcery to Me and I don't understand it. Going back to the choice of school, because we're gonna cross-pollinate these questions here.

Of course. I did go to art school at one point after I had graduated and I'm still trying to figure some things out, which was my decision. Oh. It was terrible. You flamed out of there? It was, oh, I don't know that I was there long enough to call it a flame out.

I have to ask you then. Yes. You went to art school because you wanted to be like a graphic designer? I went to art school because I wanted to do, I wanted to make video games. And you figured that was part of the path. And at the time that was like the one place I could find and I'm interested I may have mentioned this but I was there maybe two courses and I was just I mean struggling like I've never been a visual artist

stick figure level oh I mean worse. Ooh. And then one particular project. It was finger paints. No, it was a pencil drawing. And we had to set up just a scene. And so I put a shoe and something else. And I worked hard on this. And I was pretty proud of the result. I'm like, for me, this looks good. So, you know turn it in and

And the next the next class where everyone's getting their papers back I get my paper back of my drawing and it just says please see me after class And I I did not see that Nor ever again No, this it was the grade was on the paper too. Okay. Okay. This wasn't a, this was not gonna be an encouraging,

hey man, I've seen the improvement over the last couple weeks. So you had thought you had made great strides, and the result was a bad grade, and a see me after class, and you just saw yourself right out of that school. Roodle. I'm like, I will never be back here again. I am done with you, Mr. Teacher. Wow. All right, Jason, give me that font. I'm going to hand this to you and you tell me what font size this is for writing standards.

Is that abnormally large? Is that small? This is how you'd write a letter? This is how I'd write anything. Yeah, this is about 16 to 18. Okay, so I write in large font Yeah, that's a pretty big like if you wrote that letter to me, I would not be sure it wasn't coming from a child Oh fantastic. It's definitely a bigger. It's a bigger font. We can show the cameras here So I don't know if the cameras will be able to I mean the cameras can read it. That's so big Your penmanship is pretty good. It is. Thank you, yeah, no, it's legible.

How did you guys do in handwriting? Like the cursive and stuff? No, just when we got handwriting rings. Pretty good, pretty good. Bad, bad, bad. Did you ever, what, now? They were, like that would have been the reason I was held back.

In the scale, did they give, did they have the different letter set? Yes, like the best is an E. Yes, yeah, yeah, did they have the different letter set? Yes. The best is an E. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever get an N? What does that stand for? Needs improvements. Oh, man. I think there was like, yeah, E was I think high S.

Maybe there was an O for us. I don't know. But yes, at one point- See me after class. At one point, I got the equivalent of like a D or a or a D minus on my handwriting, because it was so bad. Very impressive. I will go with the painting of the picture. I think that that would be, like, if you knew some of the discipline of painting,

I feel like it would be so enjoyable. But I struggle at, I'm enjoying the process, and then you step back, and you go, ew. Yeah, because the foundations are like, OK, look at this object. Break it down into shapes. It's just you're like, if you look at it, here's a cone. And then randomly, how do you possibly see these things? It's just a horse.

What shape is this? Horse. It's horse shaped. Get out of here. It's not a cylinder plus anything else. It's a horse. See me after class, Mike. Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Quince. Elevating my style used to mean

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blown away with the fact that this is indeed real life. Do we have somebody that would like to go first? You want me to go? I can jump in here. Mine's just kind of a quick one. You know we like to keep the the spitballers kind of a timeless as of the recording but I'll say the recording of this one it's close to Valentine's Day. So that which is important for this story. So Valentine's Day, it can be a delightful day for lovers out there. You have couples, but there are people who their hearts have been broken and they're no longer in a good relationship.

Perhaps that relationship ended right around Valentine's Day. Well, we have a zoo here, it's the San Antonio Zoo, and they're offering a special Valentine's Day opportunity for people for a $10 donation, which goes to help out the zoo, and zoos need money so they can keep on the run. Can't keep zooin'. So yeah, keep doin out the zoo and you know like zoos need money so they can keep on run zooin

So yeah, keep doing the zoo things and they will name a cockroach what the name that you like so Sure, though that has spurned you After your spurned love. Yeah, you can name they will name the cockroach and then feed it to one of the lizards So this is like a way of dealing with it. This is awesome! So you go to the zoo, you write down, you name the cockroach, your ex's name, and then you watch a lizard eat it. Yes, and you'd receive a digital Valentine's Day card acknowledging the support.

Is there like a video of your of Stephanie being eaten No, I don't think there's the video of it But it's like if you want to then be extra petty you may send the Valentine to Be like hey, I made I made you a roach Yeah, there's two options when you break up with someone. One is standard counseling. The other one is to go to this zoo and deal with it in a different way. Hey that's great. I think that's hilarious. They have they have the vegetable route available as well should you not want to go fully to the bug.

Plus 10 bucks is way cheaper than counseling., that's true. I love the creativity here by the zoos to keep Keep themselves in business. Oh, but also then for $25 you can use a rat Yeah, you can you can name the rat after your ex $25 for $50 do I get to feed the animal personally? To say an alligator that part I do not know. Well that could be an upgrade. Yeah. At first I thought you were going to say for Valentine's Day you could pay to like have one of the animals named after your signature. Like I thought this was going to be a beautiful thing and it was so much better than that. Wait

wait hold on. Hold on. There's an upgrade? There's for $150. Oh let's have it. You can upgrade and your donation, a personalized option will create an Individualized video message of your cockroach rodent or veggie being fed to the animals so that you can't you can get the video That's an important part. I don't want to but oh that's hitting social media If I spend my stories if I spend ten dollars or we got a little miss. Oh we should If I spend $10 or $50. We gotta get in on this. Oh, we should. But if you just spend $10 or $50 and they say, okay, it happened.

You know what I mean? Sure. You just sound like a crazy person. You're like, I named the cockroach after you and fed it to an lizard. No, I want a video of this rat being eaten in your honor. That is fantastic. Wow. Okay, well, I guess I'll go next.

Mine is also in the- San Antonio? No, mine is local. Mine is from Arizona. But it is in the world of animals. So this is a very animal friendly show today. We're considering the draft. We're respecting our lost friends. I love pets. The headline reads, Police in Arizona.

Okay. Warn against buying owls from strangers while on drugs. Wait, wait, wait. The strangers are on drugs? Yeah, who's on the drugs? Or the owls are on on drugs. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The strangers are on drugs? Yeah, who's on the drugs? Or the owls are on the drugs. Let's, police in Arizona warn against buying owls from strangers while you're on drugs. Okay. So you're on drugs.

They are not necessarily warning you to not do drugs. They're just saying, while you do drugs, please don't buy owls from strangers. And what's funny is this was actually in a public service announcement from the Payson Police Department. Our tax dollars are at work. And so basically this happened from someone who was on methamphetamines and bought a wild owl from a stranger for $100 in the middle of a night at a local gas station. Okay. I have more questions about the individual at the gas station with owls to sell than

I may have for the methamphetamine. I can understand it from the... The meth head, I mean it's an owl. You're going to do a lot of dumb stuff. You already started doing dumb stuff. You started doing drugs. I'm just, I'm confused. So...

But there's a guy... Now please tell me it's in a trench coat. He's got five or six owls inside of him. My question is, does the owl handler have the owl on person, or are they just like pointing up in a tree? I'll give you that one. Hey, I'll sell you that thing over there. That's Frank.

You want to buy a big Frank up in that tree? Now, owl, do you have any insight on this as our resident owl in this studio? I do not. I try to shy away from owl trafficking. Okay, that's good. in this studio. I do not, I try to shy away from owl trafficking. Okay, that's good. The police in Arizona want people to do the same. They talked about how it is illegal

to buy wild animals, apparently. And so- I hope whoever sold him this owl, like Mike said, is just up in a tree and this guy is like, I wanna buy some, you got anything? He goes, yes Mike said, is just up in a tree. And this guy is like, I want to buy something. You got anything? He goes, uh, yes, that, that up there. See that?

You can buy this owl. And unfortunately the owl had minor injuries when rescued from. Okay, so the owl wasn't in the tree. No, no, no, the owl was in a cage. So the person who had the owl was a butthole. Yes, I believe there were two buttholes in this story. Well, interesting. We live in a weird world.

And speaking of which, I am not sure I should share this story. Oh, perfect. Let's have it. Only because I'm not sure it wasn't Jason in this story. Oh, let's not share this story. A Utah man. OK, so far so good. Is accused of causing a wildfire by burning a spider. Oh, worth it.

A Utah man has been arrested. Not really. On accusations. I'm free. That he started a wildfire while trying to burn a spider Oh my gosh. With his lighter 26 year old, oh his name's in here, it's not Jason.

It's Corey Martin. He spotted a spider while hiking. Come on. In the foothills of Salt Lake City. Does he have a boot? And he decided to try and burn the spider now deputies they did find a jar of marijuana in his belongings okay but he wasn't high when burning the spider so my father recent this is a Utah man this no my father this last this last

Christmas bought for me because we have like a cabin up north and I make campfires in the woods, and sometimes it's hard to light them because it's windy or whatever. And so he bought me this butane torch thing that is full of man, it's awesome. And it's really small and hand-held. You can put it in your pocket, but then when you push that button in, it is straight, you're hot. You're like, my face gets hot, it's awesome. If I had that thing on me in a hike, and I came across a spider,

I don't know that I have the self-control to not just nuke that monster for the good of, oh man. And the rest of the entire ecosystem. But that's the problem. If I assume this guy must've had this butane torch, cause that thing would, it works. But that's the problem. I assume this guy must have had this butane torch because that thing would... it works. But here's the thing. You're not... you were not in your bedroom. You're out on... you're on a hike. You can turn around. Like you could simply just... It won't catch you. You could shift to the right two steps and just go around the spider. I'm on one side of the spider, I'm on the other side of the spider.

Exactly. You are in, if you're on a hike, you are in the spider's area. Like if you want to- This is why I don't do hikes. If you want to remove all- That's why. And kill all spiders in your house,

okay, I get it. That's your territory. But don't go out into the wilderness and be like, mm, gonna hunt these spiders down. They're not doing anything, they're just spidering. Don't burn the forest down. Yeah, I need to read the quote from the sergeant in the case to end this story and he said quote, what led him to stop and notice a spider and decide to try and burn it? We don't know. There may not be a why. He might not even

know why. What kind of spider was it? Does he even know? I don't know. This guy. Unbelievable. It's quite the story. So he was arrested. On suspicion of reckless burning. Did the spider die? Ah, that's it. I mean, probably in the wildfire. Yeah, a lot of them did.

The spiders are... A lot of them did. Okay. All right. It's time to draft The spitballers draft Well, we'll continue the animal theme Creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. I mean Jason I like that you shared the story of your thought to be dead, bearded dragon, because that is the predicament

that I am picturing with this draft. The pet is now dead. And actually, I've thought about this with things like farming. I was like, ah, it'd be cool to have a bunch of chickens. I'm like, what happens when your animals die? What do you do with them? How do you get rid of them?

I gotta go touch. We're about to answer those questions. So look, and it's, I want a keyword creative ways to dispose of a dead pet. Okay. Because my number one pick, I think could be framed as a way to honor the dead pet. Okay. Maybe to, uh, you know, it kind of ties into what some people do in different

funeral type of situations. I would like to take this dead pet and I would like to tie it to a balloon and set it free. Oh, how nice. So we're going to let the little, look, give me a name for like a little pet. Frank, we'll go with Frank. Sure, Frank's back. We're going to let little Frank.

I thought you were asking, I was going to go ferret. Oh. But it's, yeah, Frank the ferret. And we're going to tie him to the balloon filled with helium Okay, and we're gonna stand in the backyard and everyone's gonna say a nice word about The smelly ferret as he soars as he soars to some to the heavens to the heavens Yes, it's gone and eventually to somebody else's Like oh, yeah, it is my understanding that it just goes up forever

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh yeah. It is my understanding that it just goes up forever. Oh, into space? There's a bunch of... And then we'll be in heaven. That's how that works. So I am going to, I think this would be amazing. Okay.

So that's what I'm gonna do with good old Frank. I love it. That is, can I just say it? That's beautiful. That's the clear 101. It's touching. All right, Mike, you... I thought you were gonna go with this one. Okay. Because you right, Mike. You like I thought you were going to go with this one

because you were talking about you wanted to honor the honor your friend who you've spent years with and maybe like you put like while you're you're honoring them, you aren't fully disposing of them. You are in fact keeping them around. Yeah, this was what I was going to because you're going with the taxidermy. You're in an, in an action shot too. Whatever, whatever their number one trick was. That's, that's the pose that I give there. Did they have the, the beg? Could they, could they do that thing? Now a little Rover's begging forever. Yeah. See, I think I would take my Rover and no matter how sweet I'd make it have a vicious growl

Oh, you know like this is our you never had seen it's a yeah exactly because now he's new things in there You could just leave that by the front door And any way to end that door open someone is gonna crap their pants. I know yeah, oh you the taxi-dermied version Yeah, okay. I was thinking you were just saying the death That's too far I knew I knew a woman who she was single and had her own place and She had tons of cats and every time they die She would taxidermy the cats and she had a whole wall full of them people do this Wow, so I don't know that person but that person would be really weird if I did, huh? Yeah There are people that do it. right Jason okay so this is very

reminiscent of your one-on-one pick Andy it's something that I think is beautiful it's something I would want to do okay it's something that has been done for thousands of years in certain cultures oh this was my first pick I am going I thought it would come back place this animal in a boat. Yes, dude. I'm going to kick it out to water. That was my number one. And I am light that sucker on fire

with an arrow of Viking funeral. It was in my list too. It was the first thing I thought of. Goodbye, sweet prince. Yes. Wow. Off to Valhalla. The best part will be when you take it to like a

lake like we have up north here where it's very small and there's nowhere for this thing to go but to the other side of the lake and then you burn the forest down. You really need to put it out on like a moving body of water right? Yeah the. But then I worry it'll just keep coming back. It's like, no, no, no. When does the tide go out? All right, so Viking funeral. That's special. All right, and now we're getting- You do that with the hamster too?

You can do with anything. It's a little boat. It's a little boat. Yeah, well, you size the boat appropriately. This is when he puts the hamster- But if it's a hamster- The lizard on it and then halfway out to see you see his head move. The only problem is you would prefer it

to be a larger animal for success rate of arrows. Oh, the arrows. Yeah. Because if that's a little boat, you're going to need a lot of arrows. All right. All right. My next one is far more practical. You can't always, you know...

You don't got time. You don't got time to go to the ocean and build a boat and Viking funeral it. Sometimes you just got to dispose. Sure. But it is illegal in almost every place that I know of to actually dispose of a pet in the garbage. You cannot do that. Really?

Yeah. You can't do that. I knew that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, uh, kids, you don't put, what are you supposed to do with them? Well, I've got the answer. Who else to call the vet?

A neighbor's garbage can. That is the answer. I'm going to sneak in the middle of the night before garbage pick-up day. Oh my gosh. And it goes in that guy's garbage can. It was totally on my list. Yeah. Oh.

Because I mean, that's the way. The neighbor's trash. And, you know, don't stink up your own can. Very nice. Probably go down the street. Yeah, I'd walk.'s the way and you know, don't stink up your own can very nice probably go down the streets Yeah, I walk I take a walk. Maybe it's well, I'll take a drive Well, then it's gonna be in the car. It's a tough situation, but just don't put it in your own garbage can You gotta find another. All right a neighbor's trash can Mike you are back. You have taxidermied your pets Yeah, so I will say we approached this draft very differently

I do have one that kind of fits in here with, with what you're, you're talking about. Um, and like, we'll call this just, it's, it's a problem for someone else because it's just right, right in a time capsule and it's just going, just going in, in the yard with a note that says open me in 50 years. Oh man. I hope you moved before then. That's a good one. It'll keep the smell right? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm cap. We'll seal it in the juices. Seal in the flavor. Yeah. Oh man. Fido's coming back. I wouldn't put any other valuables in that one alongside Fido. I have to to make it a real time capsule. I put I

put two time capsules. I put like I put like a CD in there. The USB drive and Fido. This is what dogs used to be like. Okay. Wow. time capsule that that's a good one. I have released a pet or to the heavens Yes by balloon. I'm trying to decide what the best route to go is I've got some difficult to kind of Get your head around ideas. Okay, hi. They're not everybody on the family is gonna be in on yeah I got those two be in on. Yeah, I got those too. Be a leader. I think the best thing to keep the family together in a matter of speaking because when the pet leaves it's an absence. So why, why dispose of this? Why get this essence out of your house when you could

feed it to the other pets? Oh! feed it to the other pets. Oh! Okay. So they become one. I see like they absorb the power. Yes. As many cultures used to think. You can say they're still with us. Are the other pets in on this? Do they and do you think you can get them to... Whatever it takes. Partake. If you need to do a little extra maneuvering I mean maybe they'll just eat it raw. Now are you is this like you're gonna Maybe you mix it in. Turn it into a sausage or? If necessary.

Oh man. Okay. That's a rough one. Yeah and you're saying your whole family's not in on that one. Not the whole family. Most of them. No not even the pets that are gonna eat that.

I hope your pets are just like those big hogs. Yes. That eat everything. That would work. Yeah oh yeah. That would work. Well at that point if it's a big hog if that's all the pets then just baking it up. I mean, you know. Yeah and now he's with you. Right. This next one is more expensive. Oh. But not quite as

difficult to swallow, so to speak, as the last one. Sure. And they did it long ago to honor their leaders and we're gonna we're gonna go mummification oh it's on my list sarcophagus oh okay so we are I didn't have the fear we're mummifying and we're putting it in a golden sarcophagus no no fancy tomb the way you put putting the sarcophagus? Now you're just getting crazy. This is on display in the living room under glass. But it is of course your pet. So I will go mummification. It was definitely on my list. Alright, we are back to Mike. Okay, for my next pick I'll just start it out with I mean, I got this idea from a movie. Maybe she was on to something in that Cruella DeVille wanted to create a

coat. Yeah. And what what better way to never forget my friend than I have a coat for coat. Yeah, that's really nice. Gotta get that coat quick. Oh, I mean, well, yeah. I don't know what you have to do. Is it dad? Yes, he's dad, hurry! You have to take care of those things, but of course.

But it needs to be prepared. So, I mean, I guess a fur coat. We hang them on the walls, but we don't wear them as often as we'd like to. Well, it's pretty frowned upon these days to wear animals. Do people wear cats? Well, it's not a, you gotta have a lot of cats for a coat. Do you?

That's more like a mitten. Oh. You know, you just look. A kitten mitten. Yeah, a kitten mitten. Oh my God. So you're hoping that you lost two. Because otherwise it's really just like an oven glove.

And you really want a pair of kitten mittens. So, yeah. This is the darkest turn this podcast has ever had. Oh no. Yeah. I would be smitten for some Mitten Mittens. Oh man. Okay. That's a great pick, Mike.

You're the one who brought up the coat. I really, really like keeping. You knew Kitten Mittens were coming out of that. Corolla DeVille started it. You used Corolla DeVille as your inspiration. Yeah, that's my scapegoat. That's one of the problems. Don't use villains.

Scapegoat. All right. OK. So I see that you guys are starting to hold on to these pets. You're starting to keep them with you. You're taxiderming. You're eating them and wearing them.

Right. I really want a taxidermy, you're eating them and wearing them. Right. I really want a taxidermy and unfortunately, You don't have it. It's been taken. So I am left with pickling. Oh! That is the way that I get to retain this wonderful animal in a jar preserving it.

You can pickle anything. Yeah, you can pickle anything. You can pickle anything and preserve it. No. You know, it might have been better to just, you know, I'm sure there's other ways, but my way is pickling. And I think that- And then it just stays in the jar forever.

Oh yeah, you don't wanna open that jar. There's a part Landia episode where the company's like, we can pickle that, and the jar forever. Oh yeah, you don't want to open that jar. There's a Portlandia episode where the company is like, we can pickle that, and it's everything. Oh man. Yeah, it's in the jar like the shrunken heads and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. All right.

OK, the other one. Hope you're still with us. Oh, they're still with us. They're in on this. I think our views are going up right now. Suddenly feeding it to your other pet seems pretty good doesn't it don't think so that is still far away last the worst you're literally eating it okay the last one look in the case of This would have worked very well, but in most cases, could backfire. Not a guarantee, could.

But I think if you're quick enough on the uptick, you kennel the lost pet and gift the sleeping pet to a bad family member. So they have not passed on yet. Well no, he has. I mean, I know that. Oh. But they are not aware. And then you hit them with a, what'd you do?

You know? This is their fault because I gave you my wonderful- Call animal control on them? Oh, absolutely. I gave him a, he was just peacefully resting. And then you have them one day. So to be clear, you are gifting a dead animal to your- But a bad relative.

Right. I don't wanna- Like Cruella. Exactly, if she happened to be like cousin Cruella okay and that should be probably fine with that but then you do blame them for no no again there is a situation here like if I had done that with spike I mean they just got a yeah they got a they got an animal so you know one out of a hundred times we're probably gonna be wrong and this is a real sweet gift other times it's not your fault, it's their fault. All right, Mike, you get one

more creative way of disposing your dead pet. In this light-hearted jaunt through creativity. Through death. I mean, we knew it wasn't gonna be a happy-go-lucky draft. We gotta laugh our way through. Yeah. I don't know if you fellas remember this from a few years ago, but this hit the internet. It went viral. An artist went with this particular tactic after their, uh, their, their cat had passed on. Uh, he took that cat and he attached it to a drone and he made himself a helicopter kitty cat. Oh, what? Kido kitty. I don't remember who. Yeah, go ahead and Google helicopter cat, everybody. Helicopter kitty cat, okay.

And it was a real cat? Then it was a real cat. Oh no. And it was a real. Kids. Don't strap a pet to anything. Oh yeah, no. I mean, that's just a helicopter kitty cat.

That's helicopter kitty cat, right? That is. I mean, one last, one last flight. Wow. Wow. Hahahaha. Jason's face right now is aghast. I mean, they did a great job. They really did good work.

It looks... It's a taxidrone? It's a taxidrone. Yeah. Wow. Cat's away. Artist turns dead pet into flying helicopter. There you go. So you could just call anything art.

Yeah. Well, you have to call all of this art. Well, here's the thing. It's true. Do you understand it? No. Then it's art. Yeah.

OK. Then it's good art. Yeah, that is really good. So that kid in the mountains setting the fire to this, that was art, the spider fire? No, because we understand this that was art the scorp the spider fire No, cuz we understand why he was trying to kill the spider. Yeah, cuz they're monsters Wow Helicopter oh boy. I'm looking at the pictures coming in Wow what a terrifying

The cat looks like it's having a good time it does The artist did a good job really good job taking care of this cat It's just it's on the prowl. I mean it's It's flying with wings this cat has wings now. You're telling me Absolutely if you can helicopter me at your funeral the casket If you can helicopter me at your funeral, the casket opens up and chases it. And fly out and away. Up into the heavens. Yes.

I mean 100%. Do not cremate me. Fly me. Over the people. Fly me to the moon. Out the door. No one has anything. I'm going to need a bigger drone.

You set them on a one-way course up and away yeah you put that you put the controller away until that battery dies that's right you set the controller down and everybody just salutes as you fly out of your own funeral yeah they all salute I think the whole congregationregation there they salute. That's a different kind of funeral Seconds better than the Viking was set it to the second start of the right straight on till morning Wow, well, I won't be able to top that I'm just gonna go with a Pretty quick and easy. This is this is the kid the bus just pulled up. You heard the brakes on the bus You just realized the

pet is dead and you've got to act fast and that is obviously the garbage disposal we're gonna get it on because it's illegal to throw it in the trash right oh you guys told me it's a goldfish and that's how we're gonna end this draft. It's a horse! What are you doing? You can't do that! Oh man. Oh man. It's a horse. It's gonna take a while.

All right. What did we learn today? I learned Andy is a savage. Yeah. What a monster at FBI. I mean I just I learned that I write in large font but that's like that's nothing. Oh my goodness I I learned that the market for illegal owls is bigger than I thought it was so that's why we got one.

Owls are in the house. Any ways to dispose the pets we forgot there, Al? I think you got it covered. Yeah, that's right. Just throw them. Just toss them. Thank you for listening, everybody. Hey, please tell your friends about the show.

I'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.