Spitballers Comedy Podcast - I’m Not Bruce Wayne! & The Worst Times For Your Phone To Die - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 7, 2026

Spit Hit for May 7th, 2026:  It’s another laughter filled, wild episode. Hilarious Would You Rathers, followed by a long awaited round of Liar, Liar and capped by a The Worst Times For Your Phone To Die Draft. This is one episode you don’t want to miss! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!  Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Blop, bop, bap, bap, badoo! All right. I'm here for it. I'm here for any scat that's not me. Great job, Mike. Next episode. And you skipped your last one.

I skipped my last one. So you really got to bring it. Don't let us down with any like shenanigans. Oh, I would never. Next week. No shenanigans. I would never pull out of shenanigans.

I will say though. How many of your last like four have you actually done? We're non-shanagan. Let's see. You muted yourself. Well, one was your silence. One was,

I didn't do it. That was the best one. Um, one was, uh, Papa Josh. And then, so two? Two of the last four? Only two? I think so.

Feels like you haven't done a great one in a while, though. Oh, it's been years. We have a fun show today. We have a liar, liar back on the show today. It's about boring. He's been laboring over those lies. Normally they come very easy to him as a dishonest person at his core. Lies are super simple.

But it's the truth. It's the shocking truths that are getting tougher. Right, right. We do have an update as well. We have Would You Rather on the show. drafting the worst times for your phone to die, which these are always funny to think about because we didn't used to have them. We didn't used to have phones at all, which meant that like there was no bad time.

You didn't have a phone already. Yeah. And people survived. You weren't panic attacking. We are so much. I guess some people died. Weaker as people now. Oh, yes, we are.

We are soft. The walking on the freeway to the different, because they'll set up like a phone station. that's what they used to have. Oh, like if your car broke down on an interstate? Every like 20 miles or something. And you knew you could walk to find a phone station. Maybe you'd make it. You know, it would be really interesting if the, let's say our grandparents' generation, right?

Our grandparents' generation, if we could snap our fingers and all of those people were here at, let's say, 30 years old. And all of a sudden there's a whole other generation right on top of us of those. our grandparents' generation living next to us. How much better would they be than us? Oh, they'd be a lot better. They'd be harder workers. You know what was weird though is they all looked

older. Did you know then? They looked older when they were 30. Yes, they You gotta look this stuff. There's wild stuff. If you go back and look at TV actors. Older. TV actors in the 80s. We're just aging better now? I think so. It's related to maturity. They were more matured.

and looked. The things they've been through by the time they're 30 weather a man. If you go look at like the Alabama football team, the collegiate football team, it looks like just a ton of 40-year-old men. Wow. They all look like they're 40. It's a weird thing. We just got peptides and lotions and all sorts of things that will keep it as young.

It's a funny thing. By the way, I can juggle Josh can't. Oh, yes. Update on the last episode. We did test the 10-second juggle three ball. and Andy not only did you do it easily, but you did it again and again. No problem. First try.

First try. Like he can juggle. Like he can juggle. I'm a juggler. Papa Josh. Now, his first try, he got close. Nine seconds. He couldn't get there, though.

And we said we're only one try. We said only one try on the show. He said, you only get first try. He's like, ah, that was my first try. I was like, yeah, that was the test. If you can juggle. But it's okay. Second try.

We are gracious people. We did give him another try. And he still couldn't get to 10 seconds. Nine seconds again. So Josh, answer this question. Josh, can you juggle?

Yes. Oh, I think the people would disagree. Okay, we're going to stay with this. Okay. If you had to juggle for 30 seconds to save your family's life, you'd take that? No.

Okay. Then you can't juggle. But I can juggle for sure. short periods of time. Okay. Nine seconds and under, you're a juggler. I can juggle for about two seconds. I was going to say, like, if everybody lined up in the office and juggled, he would

last longer than everybody else, except for me. I wonder if the people at large would consider, like if you say, oh yeah, is that juggling? Is that, can you juggle if you can only juggle for nine seconds? You can't ever juggle past nine seconds. You can do it a hundred times. You can't juggle past nine seconds. are you able to juggle? I think in a normal environment when somebody's like,

can you juggle? Show me. I think you could play off the nine seconds or less as yes, you can juggle. That's a good amount of time. You do it for two seconds. If you do it for five and then you throw them the balls back? But that's just a trick.

You don't mean you're just faking. Juggling is a trick. Hey, yeah, but they're like, hey, ask me if I speak Spanish. Mike, do you speak Spanish? See. Whoa, he sure does. I'm done, though.

Math checks out. I don't, I don't speak Spanish. You can't speak nine seconds of Spanish, though. Don't there's a Biblioteca? Oh. That was a couple seconds. Me, I'm a yeson.

Yeah. Yeah. But you know what? My able to Spanish. The spoilers. I cannot speak Spanish. Don't let them in on the tricks. I can pretend like Josh.

He can't, he can pretend he can juggle, but he can't juggle. If you learn nine seconds of every talent, you're the best in the world. That's all I'm saying. All right. Let's kick it off with some would you rather. Would you rather? Lily from the website, would you rather get caught giving yourself finger guns in the bathroom mirror? You got this.

Right in the mirror. Jeremy. Poo, Poo Poo Poo Poo Poo! Yeah, there we go. Finger guns in the mirror or, so somebody catches you, they walk into the bathroom, they see you giving yourself finger guns in the mirror, which is hilarious. Or accidentally barge into a serious meeting while loudly singing Kelly Clarkson.

So you are the one barging. Yeah. You're like, since you've been gone? And then you're like, oh, someone's in here? You're not gone anymore. You got to be doing that in your falsetto, though. There you go. Very nice.

Can you do nine seconds with that falsetto? I can do it forever. Just don't time me. I feel like the, I'm going to choose. I want to be caught doing the Kelly Clarkson. Because the natural thing I need to do after that happens is I leave. Like I barged it and my. job is to get out. I think in both situations it's your turn to leave, but one is a walk.

But if I'm caught in the finger guns, what do I do? Just sprint out the door? No, you just, what? That was so easy. Really? Yeah. What do you do? Okay, okay. I'm going to pretend. All right. And I go, I go, oh, bittal loo. Oh, you know you wouldn't. You would finger gun right at the person. You would finger gun right at the person. Immediately, you just throw those away. What if, what if that person throws her hands up, like they're scared? Then I keep going like there's a robbery. What if he then starts like, giving you his wallet? Then I pretend to call the police and say there was a murder.

There's a murder. I murdered some of my gun. I murdered so with finger guns. We're doing a bit now. And I'm not going to be the one who gives up on the best. Is it like a shooter McGavin in the mirror? Yeah. So here's the thing. Look, that's, that's okay. Maybe you can do that. Maybe you can get out of it. It would work and it would be great. I think it would work, but I don't think I would have

the wherewithal to immediately do that. My embarrassment in the moment would not allow me to realize, oh, I can take this further and get out of it and justify it. Instead, I would be flush with embarrassment. Like, incredible. Because if I walked in on someone doing finger guns to themselves in a mirror,

there's nothing they could. If they turn and did what you just did to me and try to get their way out of it, I have judged them eternally. They are locked in as the finger guns to themselves in the mirror guy. That's the question for me. Is how, am I going to see

these people again later. Like what's more embarrassing long term? Because finger guns. It's a big, it's a big office. All the people in the office, like there's a lot of people in that room. So you're now known, the finger guns, you're caught by one person. But Kelly Clark's and breaking into the conference room. Everybody sings on the

room. Yeah, but they don't interrupt important meetings. No, of course not. That's the embarrassing part. But the embarrassing part isn't the thing you're doing. It's just the timing. There's no situation where like finger guns to yourself. It's a big gun. To yourself in the mirror is cool. You need to try it out.

You've done a finger guns? I have never given myself a finger gun in the mirror. You've never looked at yourself like get yourself all composed and then you're like, let's go. Never. Now do you, I feel like you almost have to spin after that after the finger guns. I go, like spin to walk out the room. I go, pow, pow. Oh, you do a pop-p-bye.

So you're not a bang-bang. You're not a crazy guy. You're not doing like four times. No, I'm not firing them off. It's just a bang bang. Oh, okay. So he bang bangs. And you're going to feel better about yourself.

No, I feel creepy. I'm trying it on for size right now. You're not alone. I'm like, you're not in the bathroom. You're more of a one point. Like a, I feel like you got to wink.

I feel naturally like I have to wink. No, that's dirty. That's right. Figure guns of wings. I forgot about that. Oh, man. I can't do that. All right.

So you're singing. I'm going to sing. And you know what? I'm going to, that is so easy to walk off. You walk in. You're singing. What if you're...

You walk in and you go, oh, that's embarrassing. You could be known for that, but it could be fun. Yeah. Oh, look at Kelly Clarkson over there. But what if you... Oh, Kelly Clarkson! You're a part of the meeting. You didn't realize you were late.

Oh, and then you have to keep coming here. I thought I was early. I was singing. Be like, oh, all right. I guess the meeting started. Let's go. Anybody else want to end? Because I didn't do something I am embarrassed of.

I'm embarrassed that I was doing it then, but I'm not embarrassed to see Kelly Clarkson. Are there any artists that you could be. caught singing that you would be embarrassed? Yes. But there's probably plenty of artists over time that you don't want to sing anymore. But Kelly Clarkson, we're good.

John, from the website, would you rather spend the next five years not knowing what you're doing tomorrow? That's wild. Or know today what you are doing every day for the next five years and not be able to change it. Oh, this is a brain buster.

All right. Repeat, repeat that. Would you rather spend the next five years not knowing what you're going to do tomorrow? So you do not get to make plans. You don't know what's happening tomorrow or in the future. Kind of how I live. Yeah, you're very tight B. Or have your, I'm sorry, or know today what you're doing for the next day for the next five years.

So you know everything that's going to happen for the next five years. And you can't change it. There's no way you're choosing that one. Man, no, I don't think so. That feels. But if you have a trip, you know about it. You're like, ooh, in two years, I'm taking that big trip to Japan. I'm not sure that much changes in Jason's life if A is.

There's not that much of changes. Now, obviously, if I'm going to pack sooner than you do now. Right, like, you know. Yeah, but you got a plan. Well, I will say this, the hardship here. So like our family, we're taking our first ever European trip in a little while here. We're coming up close to it. And under this first option, I wouldn't know until the day of that's like, oh, oh, guys, we got to go, we got to fly.

Oh, you wouldn't have your passport. Well, I mean, you get the passport weeks ahead. So I think that's fine, but are we packed? Because we usually packed the night before. You're saying now versus this situation? I'm saying in this situation, I would have had my passport taken care of because it's, why? Well, just because I don't know what's going on tomorrow, I know I'm going to Europe at some point in time. You're saying that in this, I don't know, I don't know anything I'm ever going to do for the rest of my life.

Correct. Not just tomorrow. No, for the next five years. Yes, you don't know what you're doing tomorrow. Just tomorrow. That doesn't say I don't know what I'm doing next month. That's included. I don't know.

Let's go to the judge. When the next tomorrow comes, you don't know what's there. Jason is confused. You either, you either have no. I interpret it more like Andy did. You don't know what you're doing for five years. Or you know exactly what's on the. itinerary for five years. That's the spirit of it because you can't, when, when you think to yourself,

what am I doing tomorrow? Your answer is, I don't know. Yes. Yeah. Which means that that means you can't make plans. Correct. You can't go on a vacation. And here is the question. Yes. So every vacation that I would ever take would be decided today for the next five years. For the next five years. Correct. If I take a vacation. Yeah. And you'll know the day up. The day up. We'll wake up that morning and be like, That's fine. I'll throw a passport. Passport doesn't matter. In the other way, you might only have one vacation that's on the books, but you know it's planned. It's in 2.4 years. I love that this, so this is, this is revealing something about maybe us or at least just myself. When I'm thinking about future plans, Jason's a planner now.

Future plans, no. When I'm thinking about future plans, the only thing that matters to me in this context appears to be vacations. Yeah. That's the only thing to look forward to. Like, we've got plenty of stuff. When does school start? You know, my kids are in theater. What weekend is that show? I don't care. It's fair.

Those are, you know, show up the day of, oh, we got to do this today. Okay, whatever. But it's the vacations that you look forward. And it's funny because I could be, I, my personality, I could be fine, never going on a vacation again. Really? I would not care. I think it's the last thing I live for now. I would not.

I would not care. Like if you told me, I could settle into, I could settle into, I could settle into a daily routine for the next. How old am I? I'm 41. Give me another 40 years of perfectly routine days. I'd be totally without vacation. 100% fine. I don't care. That is. Don't care. That is a prison sentence.

Yes. That's what I don't have to do if I don't go on vacation. Live your life. If I don't go on vacation. Have fun? I don't have to plan. I don't have to pack. I don't have to pay.

Well, with this, I don't have to do nothing. You don't have to plan either. It's already planned. Yeah. So Andy, you're, so I would imagine this by default personalities. I guess the first. one would be my choice.

Really? Because it would omit the thing I don't like, which is having to do the planning and the adjusting. Hmm. Oh, I'd probably live in a complete fear state. Yeah, your anxiety. Your anxiety would be off the charts.

I would just be like, every day I'm like, oh, crap, I'm going to wake up and I have to go to Paris. Ew. Yeah, I think personality-wise, I think I know where both me and you land. Yeah, I want to know Mike. I'll figure it out the day of, and no planning. You'll plan everything out. Mike, who are you?

Honestly, you're giving me a great idea. I should plan the next five years right now. Yeah, every day. I can do that. You can. You are so type of you could do it. You are capable of doing it. And you could do it where you could commit to it and never change a thing. After today's planning, you're like, that is what a plan is. Oh, and what a great thing it'd be if somebody's like, hey, can you come to my kid's birthday? No. And they're like, oh, but next year. And I'm like, oh, no, actually, I can't next year either. I can't fit you in. I've got next year planned out. Oh man, this just got even better. I mean, I'm, I mean, there's going to be stuff on there that you don't want to do, but the stuff that pops up that like catches you off guard.

Oh, that is the worst. Oh, man. So you're going to, you're going to the plan? Yeah, I'm going to take the next five years because I have to know I have the vacation. And I have, I have to see the super circle vacation. And yeah. Where there's new children. Oh, yeah.

I need, I need the vacations. I don't think, I, I think I'm going to pivot. I think we're all going to do. future planning. I have to have the vacations. Yeah. That's, that's, that's what I'm, I am, you can have day trips. My daily, you know how you've got your daily routine, right? Yeah. Today's daily routine is to get me to the next vacation. Right. No, that is, why I do today. You have been living vacation to vacation in the last few years. So, all right. See you in Paris. You need to do a year-long cruise. Oh, you're telling me, brother. Yes, I do. Is that permission?

A permanent vacation. Yeah. Just keep paying the salary. We're doing a year's sabbatical? Yeah. 50%. No, no, no. All right. Lil Forney writes in from the website,

would you rather trip and fall every time you enter a room full of people? Or have your voice crack every time you try to make a serious point or get in a heated argument. Well, voice cracking is the worst because it, it still happens to me. And it happens to a lot of people. It's just one of those things. that does happen. But then when it does, you're like, we go to puberty?

I feel like it could break. You're totally derailed. Yeah, you're 40 and you're still like, no, I'm not. That would be a way to break the tension, though. It talks about heated arguments. How can you stay in a heated argument if someone's voice is crazy? No, but you lost. You just lost it.

Yeah, yeah, but sometimes it's better to just lose and have the heated argument over. Your honor? Your honor, I did not commit the crime. Never read that book, Jay. Jason. You never read that book? Yeah, things losers say. Oh, goodness gracious. Walked right into that one. How to lose an argument.

Oh, hey Jason, pull this lever. Okay. Axe came down and decapitated me. Yeah, the voice crack, you're not making, every time you make a serious point, oh, that would be so frustrating. Yeah, it was. Because this basically means this is another way of saying you will never make a serious point the rest of your life. because every time you try to make a serious point, you will derail it by sounding unsurious. I don't think it is a guaranteed derailment.

If I am making a good point and then I have a voice crack in it, I can power through. And then we just ignore it. You know what I'm saying? Did you hear his voice crack? Yeah, that was super embarrassing. I don't know.

I think I powered through. I think I powered through pretty well. You made it to the other side. When is the last time either view has fallen down? Dude, it's getting more painful. Yeah, and more dangerous. That's what I'm referring. One of these is shortening our actual lifespan.

I've realized that I'm not there yet where like a fall is going to be the end of me, obviously. I'm 40. But I've realized in a couple stumbles because a stumble's not a fall. A stumble is a prequel of course to what you know will happen someday. Right. When you're not as capable of catching yourself. And I've had a couple of stumbles where I'm like, if I do that when I'm 60, I am going to be 100%. I'm going to be in trouble.

I'm going to break into a thousand pieces. We have a family cabin with a lot of steps. And I see that thing and I go, I don't know if you're part of my future. Yeah. Because those steps, they may be the end. When I was 20, I could fall down a flight of steps and I'd be fine. At 40. That was almost fun.

At 40, if I slip off the bottom step, I am definitely leaving injured. Yeah. At 60, I can just fall down without a step. And I will be, it might be the end. Let a casket catch you. Right. Right into the casket. No, you can't fall down that often.

Every time you enter a room falling down, I mean... I know I weigh more than I used to weigh, but I don't feel like it's by the amount that's proportional to the amount of injury that happens now. Are our bones just weaker? Like, we weigh more while our bones weigh less? I don't know, man. Bones are weaker. We fall more awkwardly because we don't have as much... I don't know, man.

I feel like muscles are stronger. Like, I was a weak 20-year-old. can be. I was talking about it. I'm not going to name any names. Right. Yeah, just not me. Yeah, and I wasn't talking about myself. Right, yeah. But, you know, other people. Yeah, I'm going to take the voice crack and power through.

And I'll live a long life. Can't fall, man. If I fall every, yeah. I can't fall once a month. Yeah, seriously, if it was fall once a month, a serious fall once a month or voice crack every time you talk. Not even serious. Not to mention, I can't make a serious point if I enter a room fall down and then start talking. So, uh, Johan from Patreon, do we have time for one more

or should we move on? We got time. All right, Johan from Patreon, would you rather always talk like Christian Bale's Batman? swear to me. Or, Michael Keaton's Batman. Or Heath Ledger's Joker. Ooh. Wow. All right. Who's going to give that one a try?

Why so serious? That's not too bad. That's not too bad Look They're both ridiculous They're both ridiculous But one feels more authentic The Joker feels more authentic

The Joker feels way more authentic Got to do a lot of smacking though He does that all the time Yeah Yeah because he's got all that Frickin lipstick on He needs to get Don't put so much lipstick on

You got the Look Kristen Bale is just In the Carmex in your mouth You want to know how I got these scars Yeah Not bad No bad No bad

No man Christian Bail's Batman Look I will forever I know I know how loved and beloved the Dark Knight series is. And I respect that there are, is it the Dark Night,

the one with Joker. Dark Night. Dark Night rises is the third one. The one with Joker, absolutely spectacular movie. Yeah. But the first Batman, when he tries that voice on for size.

Yeah. I just can't take it. I just can't, because it's just so, it's almost like the voice cracking conversation we just had. Like when I was a kid going through puberty, the one thing I didn't want anyone to know was I was going through puberty.

So I tried to fake a deeper voice than I had. Not a joke. Because all these other kids around me had deeper voices. And so I would talk to like a deeper voice. I sounded ridiculous. And that's what Batman sounds like. He sounds like a guy doing a voice. No, see, this is...

Why do that? No, let me explain it. Oh, I want to know. I want to know. You want to know what? I talk like this. I'll tell you. Because this was the first superhero movie.

the Nolan Dark Night Rises, you know, trilogy. Swear to me. Was the first movie that tried to make superheroes real. Like, there was a backstory. This was a realistic situation and a realistic, and here's why it is real.

Because Chris Bail realized, after watching all the cartoony Batman's, you know, the George Clooney Batman, where George Clooney is just, he's just talking just like him. Like, everybody will know it is you. You're just, You're just, you with a little bit of mask on. I use my disguise.

You don't know who I am. That's, but, but at least, I'm Batman. But at least, at least when you do that, you don't know, you don't know, you're not just giving yourself away. If you're putting on a mask to protect your identity. I don't even live in the city. You don't know who I am. I'm not Christian. I'm from out of town.

I'm from out of town. I don't live here My life is play I changed it I never the caves You're tricked But that's why And it is silly

And I remember this morning I remember the first I remember the first time I watched it I was like whoa I just saw Bruce Wayne on the street I promise

He's the coolest I love that guy He talks totally different than me You're doing bad man Which is awesome Oh man It just It gets me.

It also gets me when he freaking pushes a button on his boot. Yeah. That's that one. The bats come running. The Batman voice is so ridiculous. I enjoyed that. So I'm choosing the Batman voice based on enjoying what just happened.

You're not going to enjoy it when your entire life is eating lozenges. Yeah. It's not good on my chest right now. Yeah. No, I'll talk like the Joker. Yeah. I mean, you have to tell a lot of stories.

Oh, and they have to be like winding stories. Yeah. Yeah, they do. And people will not. trust you, but they will respect you. You want to know how I got this job? You know who they're not trusting?

This guy. I'd like a cheeseburger. A Big Mac with extra french fries, you tomatoes. No, it's not. I'm not Batman. Don't you dare put onions on that. All right, we'll take a break. We'll come back with some liar,

liar, liar. Lyer, liar. Pants on fire. All right, we are back with another spectacular edition of liar. Liar Al Borland has put his mind to three rounds worth of truth and lies. Two of the facts that I'm going to read are going to be true. One of them is going to be a lie. We're already in trouble guys. We are going to figure it out and we're going to win. I think Mike won last time. Am I wrong? Do we have a record? That is correct. Yeah.

The record is, I've won 22 times, you guys have won three times, but Mike did win the last one. Right. We got the records. Okay. Here we go. Round one. You ready, Jason? I am ready. Fact number one, Winston Churchill once commissioned a parrot to spy on German troops and return with Intel. But the mission was abandoned after the parrot only returned whistling military marches nonstop. Okay. And we did try some weird stuff in the wars. So that could be true. Johnny Cash intercepted and decoded a Soviet communication

and became the first person to inform American leaders of the death of Joseph Stalin. That can't be true. Johnny Cash? No, please. Please be true. That's the kind of. That's the kind of. That's the worrisome.

Oh, man. And the third one. Albert Einstein was offered the presidency. of Israel, but he declined, saying he lacked, quote, the natural aptitude. Wow. These are fascinating. I believe Einstein was... Are you going to say Jewish?

No, no, no. I was going to say, like, I think he was actually humble about his intellect. Yeah. And of, like, things that he didn't know. Was, I mean, Israel wasn't around then. Oh, man. Now you're talking world history that I... What was that?

I don't know. I thought it was the 47 or something, the war and Israel reclaimed. So Einstein. No idea, man. Einstein would have predated that. Is that a clue? That feels like a pretty good clue. I will say this.

I promise you that if Israel didn't exist during Einstein's, you know, heyday, they did not offer him the presidency. Right. So that's a pretty big clue. Now, I would love to know how long Einstein lived because he might have. Was he offered the first presidency? Like he was going to be George Washington? I mean, I feel like he lived past the 40s.

Yeah, I think so. I'm thinking he was around in the 60s. Yeah, those were the good decades. Let me tell you, that was my favorite. So he could have been offered the presidency. The Johnny Cash one sounds ridiculous. I believe the Churchill won. I do too.

I kind of do. The problem here is now what do we move forward with? Well, I know, I know mine. I can't. I cannot possibly believe that Johnny Cash was the person to receive and decode the death of Stalin and is the first person to inform American leaders. That just, I feel like he's a little bit busy. It's a stupid lie. Well, that's fair.

That is a stupid lie. Like, how would you come up with that? Why would you decide that if it wasn't true? Yes, I know. It's what the song Ring of Fire is about. burning ring of fire interesting I was thinking

great balls of fire but that's not Johnny Cash I'm going to lock in Johnny Cash because I just I find it impossible I'm going to lock in Albert Einstein wasn't offered the presidency

I'm going with the Johnny Cash one all right at least maybe we'll make it through I'm sorry what did what did you each say I'm sorry so I'm going Johnny Cash the other two are going Albert Einstein I'm Johnny Cair. Oh, I'm sorry.

Mike and Jason are Johnny Cash. I'm Albert Einstein in the lie. Oh, he's going to play. No, no, no, no, no, no. The Churchill's a lie? The Churchill is a lie. Come on. There's no way Johnny Cash was, I got to look this up.

It is true. Johnny Cash was in the Air Force assigned to Landsberg, West Germany, on a three-year tour. He was a wireless operator. And he... At no point... The Johnny Cash. The Johnny Cash. At no point did I put two and two together that...

Johnny Cash wasn't like musician Johnny Cash. 100%. I should have thought he had a previous... No, it was the musician. No, I mean, he wasn't actively a musician while he was... I see, yes. Like, I didn't put together he's serving, which makes perfect sense. It does, but the odds of that are still astronomically small.

There's no way. There's no way. In the history. You're welcome to look it up. So Einstein was offered the history of the world. Einstein was offered the second presidency of Israel, yes. In 1952, I believe it was. See, what?

So they just. Barely. Wow. They offered the presidency to Einstein in 1952 and he declined. He knew better. John Adams. You want to be George Washington, not John Adams. You know what I mean?

Oh, he didn't want to be the Adams of Israel. You don't want to be the number two. I mean, I have an article that says, well, does it sound crazy? Well, it might just be true. The Johnny Cash. Yeah. I'm looking at the same article. Keep reading it.

It states it is fact. It might be a fact. Okay. But the odds of, I mean, again. So burning the ring of fires about the fall of Joey Stalin over there, right? I don't know, man, but the odds are just astronomical. One person in the history of the world was the first person to inform the American leaders. And it just so happened to be the person who became Johnny Cash.

Who was at the time, Johnny Cash? That is unbelievable. Is that his birth name? That I don't know. What, Johnny Cash? Is that a way that we could be right on this question? Oh, yeah. It wasn't Johnny Cash.

It's got to be a stage name, right? My father's Jonathan Cash. Major Cash. He was in the Army. He was major cash. John R. Cash. Oh, my gosh. He was actually Johnny Cash.

That's fine. Now we just compete against each other. Yeah. Now is already 23 and 3. Round two. Why don't you guys read this one? All right. Round two.

Lie number one or truth number one. The inventor of the modern treadmill suffered a fatal heart attack while demonstrating it to investors. Number two, the inventor of the frisbee's ashes were molded into a limited edition batch of flying discs after he died in 2010. 20, 10? I thought the frisbee was invented in like 1720. Yeah, well, thankfully, I didn't just blurt it out, and I thought through it. I'm like, no, the frisbee was a pie tin.

And then someone figured out we could turn this to a frisbee, but that's a Back to the Future joke. Okay. And then the final truth or lie, the inventor of the Segway died after accidentally riding his Segway off a cliff. So let me just tell you this. One inventor of a cool thing died using it. That is a fact because it's either the treadmill or the Segway. I think the Segway was.

think the Sego one's 100% true. Yeah, I don't want to say it, but it is 100% true. I think that one's 100% true. I think it's plausible that Mr. Frisbee was so proud of that invention that he might want that done. There are a lot of things wrong with that, though. I don't know how you mold ashes into something. Well, you just put some ashes inside of the plastic.

That seems pretty easy. Oh, okay. But that's not molding your ashes. I mean, they'll consider it that. They were molded into it. But I'm just like, you can't just. I'm going treadmill is the lie. I'm going treadmills the lie.

I'm going to go Frisbee because I still can't believe that the inventor of Frisbee died in 2010. Okay. The treadmill is the lie. So Mike and Andy got that correct. Jason got that wrong. Oh, for two. Round three in 2005, a Canadian influencer claimed to do a 21-day ice fast, surviving exclusively on artisanal ice cubes.

Not just, I can't do regular Harvested from glaciers. He sold an e-book called Freeze Yourself Thin before eventually admitting he was secretly supplementing with beef jerky. It's like the liver king. It's just a lot. It's just like,

with anabolic steroids. I mean, look, they're supplemented with different things. Fact number two, the background music used in the you wouldn't steal a car anti-piracy campaign turned out to be. be pirated. Oh, man, that's got to be true. That has to be true. That sounds true. Oh, the government. A man once ate an entire airplane piece by piece after realizing he could digest metal. He received an award from the Guinness Book of World Records. The award was brass and he ate it.

100% true. Now, I don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that I know that that is true. Like, sometimes we know. We're like, I've heard this. I'm aware. No idea. That's true. People do weird. People have eaten things, yes. I can't imagine that that's it. I'm going with the ice is fake. I'm going to try to go O for three here, and I'm going to go with the background music and you wouldn't. I mean, they're literally making a don't piracy. Don't, don't piracy.

Because I guess don't pirate. Anti-piracy. Yeah, an anti-piracy campaign that was pirated that just, I hope better. Oh, that one has to be true. It feels true, so I'm going to pick it. What one did you go with, Mike? I'm going to, the lie is the ice. I'm going to do the background music.

Okay. All right, the lie was the ice. Mike wins. So Mike gets the second place here behind. I should have stuck with myself. He's been winning everything lately. Yeah. All right. Look, this just happens.

There's ineptitude everywhere. And they were like, just grab a song. We got to get this piracy over with. Grab a song, quick. They actually commissioned the guy to make the music for a specific film festival that they could use that one time. Oh, okay. And then they decided they were going to keep using it without his permission. They thought they bought the whole thing.

He bought a DVD and heard his music and sued them. Oh, my gosh. You wouldn't do this, would you? You should get a penalty by the judge, like an extra, extra amount of money for irony. Yeah. Like an irony punitive damage. All right, we will take one more break and come back and draft. The Spitballers Draft.

We are drafting the worst times for your phone to die. And Mike, you got the number one pick. You have been very staunched that you had a 101. I did. I proclaimed there was a 101 and there might be some better answers that do eventually come out. But there was the one place I thought of because I was in fact in that place when I was made aware of what the draft is going to be. So I will say in the bathroom Yeah I have it written down as

Sitting down to poop Yeah Can you imagine I Can you imagine that world? We lived in that world It was fine No no in that world

I mean I guess I had a magazine Yes there was always something Or you're like Yeah I guess I'm reading the directions on the scrub and bubbles again I remember people used to make jokes about how they'd grab a shampoo bottle Exactly

To sit down and read You don't want to just sit there and be in the moment with your poop. No, with your shame? Yeah. Okay. You're doing the dirty deed. It's disgusting. No, that was my one-on-one. It was funny because beforehand we're a dirty deed. When we were coming up with our lists, I was like, oh, there's a one-on-one. And he's like, what? And Mike's like, yeah, there is. And we were right there.

Because you can imagine it. And yeah, I lived that life. I grew up in it. I can't imagine it now. Right. You're very used to the phone and the pooping. Yes. Increasing productivity. Okay. All right. So the worst time for your phone to die on the pot. I know my next pick because

this is an active fear that I have had before and I genuinely don't know what I would do. And so I came close to this once and it was like what do I do if my phone dies?

Because I'm at like 2%. And it is right before Ubering from a sketchy downtown spot. I have just ordered an Uber. Just order. If you Uber there, if you Uber there and you're not in a great place and your phone dies. Okay. We're not in New York City where it's like, oh, just lift your hand up and grab a cab off the road. There's, I'm, I, in, in Arizona, if we go anywhere, it's,

30 miles away. You know what I mean? If we go downtown, from where we live. I didn't have it, but that's a great one. Oh, man. I was like 2% of battery away from that happening once. And I was like, what do I do? I can't call anybody. Yeah. I can't, I can't walk home realistically. Okay. There's no pay phones anymore. That gives me an idea for another one. By the way, I won't.

This one is just an extension of mics, so it's not my pick. But I had written down on the toilet when you're out of teepee because the phone The phone is important for calling somebody to come and roll in a roll. Yeah, at least you can scream in that situation. That's true. Help, help, help.

That's my normal call. That does sound like you. All right. So, Mike went on the pot. You went right before you get your Uber. So, yeah, that would be a problem. I'm going to go with my first pick here. Intruder in the home.

Okay. Someone breaks in the middle of the night. You need to call 911. Your phone is dead. Now you're in a horror movie. Right? Because in a horror movie, nobody's phone's ever worked. In a horror movie, your phone isn't dead.

You pick it up and they say, I'm inside the house. That's true. That's equally scary. Yes. So I will say intruder in the home. Way scary when they do it on your cell phone. Yeah. Yeah.

And then the one that popped into my head the most because we're so dependent on it now. It's funny because my son just learned to drive. And he goes, he drives to this, you know, our church every Sunday night for, you. youth group. And the other day he goes, I'm going to try to go without directions. Like this was just like a fun activity because he's so used to have a direction. So I was going to say when you're driving and need directions. Sure. Absolutely. When you need to get some place because we're so dependent on it now. There's no maps anymore. No, you and there's no like pay phones to go pick up and call somebody even in a pinch and you want to get someplace. So I'll say driving and need

directions. All right, that's good. I just alluded to it. I'm taking my first overseas trip. I'm going to be going to Paris here in a little bit. And I think if you are using your phone to translate in a foreign country, that is

a pretty bad place for my phone to die, because then what do I... I can't talk to... Can you speak nine seconds of French? We, we... We can't. Yeah, we can... My name is Jason. I think that was French.

That is. If you say it like that. I didn't know. You couldn't understand what I was saying. I heard Jason. Hey. Can Batman speak in French? I'm speaking French.

We're free. I'm not from here. Because of my voice. All right. All right. I'm on the clock. You're back on the clock. All right.

I get two picks here. So it's like, it's not all the time in my life that I am going to the gym. But when you are going to the gym, and if you did not have your phone, goodness gracious. You say no tunes? Exactly. You're going into the gym and you're just, like,

you're just whatever, whatever's on on the speakers? That's what you're listening to. You're raw dog in the gym. Exactly. That's what the kids would call it. It's bad. I will say that. I prefer having AirPods,

but there were a, handful of times I would go to the gym and I would have forgotten my AirPods and I'm like, oh crap, not as good. But also, they got music on. It's not the end of the world. Oh, yeah. That's wild. That's wild. I bought some gym AirPods, uh, because I was going to leave them at the gym. And I, I kept forgetting to bring them. So I, I never got to use them. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. And here's what you can do. You guys are crazy. I go to the gym. People are going to side with you. Go to the gym and just look at everybody. At least have of them not in AirPods.

Because they forgot them. Well, sure, but I'm just saying the hell's survive. Well, of what are you to? This is not this big. It does. We are not this big a problem. The draft is not places you will die if your phone died. Really? Andy's in his house with a, with a robber.

All right. So I'm, I'm back up. And then someone's in my name. I'm in the house too. I am going to go with, look, because your phone is, your phone is your phone. It's your communication.

It's your maps. You say your phone is your phone? Yeah, well, all the things that it actually does. It's also our camera now. Yeah. You go to the kid's recital. You're trying to record this thing. I got to have this documented for when they grow up.

Yep, that's on my list. Filming your kids big moment. Yeah, I said once in a lifetime moment. And that's, of course, I know when it does, you've been filming his game the whole time. And all of a sudden, that deep pass comes. Your kids running down. And the phone goes off.

That's a touchdown. That's a promised touchdown. Did you get that? Dad, did you get that? And you say, sure did. I'm going to text it to you right now. It's like that time I recorded someone's wedding without a tape. I think I told that story on here once before, but that is.

And you faked it. I faked it. I didn't want to distract them from their wedding. Like they're walking down the aisle, but they do not have evidence of that wedding. I don't remember the end, but I hope you just like. dropped your camera into like the punch bowl or something. Oh no! What'd you do?

All right. The tape is clearly ruined. I thought you were going here, Mike. Your phone is everything. Your phone is your phone. Your phone is your camera. Your phone is also the only access for certain events now. Yeah.

You can't get into a major sporting event or a major concert with paper. You can't print it out anymore. You can't even screenshot. If that line's not moving on your phone, you can't get in. So if your phone dies... Does anyone check that? Yeah, I don't think it works, man. Have you checked it?

Yeah, that's a good... I wonder that sometimes. Are they just telling us that it doesn't work? And it works? I'm trying to remember if I've tried that or not. I'll bet it. I've tried to screenshot. I don't think it works.

But it's the danger of trying that. I mean, I guess you could just try it. Take a screenshot and try. And then if you actually have the ticket, then swipe it away and pull up the ticket. All right. So, big event, tickets, you can't. get in. You can't get into your big event. I mean, you go all the way down there and now it's like, no, I really have tickets. It makes sense. I have, I have one that's in that vein and I have another

one that's more serious because, you know, the draft is if you die. Ways to die with your phone. So I'll go with that one first. Medical emergency. You got a medical emergency. You need to call somebody. You need your phone. You don't got your phone. Your phone's dead. You're dead. All right. Yeah. Yeah. And the second one is just as severe. You're trying, you're trying to do some two-factor authentication. Oh, man. You need to log in. They're trying to text you the code. or you're trying to do the little two-factor like Google app. And your phone's not working. If your phone's not with you,

you're not getting in. It's two-factor. It ain't one factor. Yeah. It's two-factor. And I can't even remember the one factor. No, no. You need the two-factor. I need the app. Tell me what the one factor is. If you get your password, it's three-factor. Good luck. So, uh, yeah, nowadays we're so, nowadays we're so dependent. Hmm. Man. this is this is tough this is there i got i got a lot of things left on this list i like them all but i'm going to go with this one it's a new thing that we can do recently over the last couple of

years but you can delete text now you know you text someone and you go oh i regret that i'm gonna unsend yeah you can unsend send uh unscended so you can delete them well they still have them you can unsend the text where it deletes for you and someone else within a short period of time. So I'm going to say right before deleting a regretted text. You send a text and you're like, oh, I should not have sent. Bue. Oh, yeah. Text sent. Okay. That is, you know, no coming back from that one. No, no, it's gone. Yeah. Mike, you get to wrap us up. All right, for my last one here. So I got in the bathroom, clearly the most important. Jim, you need the tunes recording for the video. And I will go, uh, uh,

You're on your job interview on the Zoom. Yeah, any work call interview that makes sense that you lose it, you're done. You're not kidding. And then if it's dead, then of course you can't get back in touch with anybody. No job for you. Okay, no, that's good. So you went with, yeah, the gym on the toilet, filming the moment in the middle of an interview, Jason. The Uber situation?

Those have been, what's funny is if any of us, we've all had the low battery needs. in Uber. Have any of us actually run up against the situation and actually run out of battery? No. Does Uber have a way of extending your battery just long enough to get the person there? I don't know, man. And it's not the trip. It's not just an Uber. It's the Uber home.

You know what I mean? Sure. The way back, because if it's like you're at home or your hotel and your Uber dies, your phone dies, whatever. The Uber dies, you're in real big trouble. Well, they are. I'll just get different Uber. Wait, the driver? That's what he said.

In the foreign country, you picked that one, the translator. When you need to get into a big ticketed event and you don't have your phone, or right before unsending a regretted text message. Can you really unsend? Oh, yeah. You can iPhone to iPhone. Yeah. We've got to test that.

We've got to test that. Okay. No green bubbles. And then I have the intruder in your home, driving, need directions, medical emergency, or two-factor authentication. Did you guys have any other honorable mentions here? I had Lost in the Woods. Okay.

It probably doesn't work in the woods anyways. Probably doesn't. Awaiting an important phone call. Disneyland. Oh, yeah. Disney is impossible if you don't have a home. It's the same thing as like getting into an event. Everything is on your phone there.

Ordering food, getting into rides, getting into the park. Oh, so it does work, but it does say, like, so Papa Josh just tried to do it. He sent me one and he said, unsending this. It disappeared and then it says it does send a little like Josh. It's deleted. Unsent this message. But you can't see the message. I can't see the message.

But you can see that he unsent it. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's fine. No, I was just telling you I loved you. And then I thought that was too much. I had a typo, so I wanted to redo it. Yeah, I thought it only, like, deleted from my side.

I didn't know that. I could send you some nasty stuff. Yeah, you can't. Well, watch out. I had stranded on the side of a road. Yeah. That's almost happened to me once. It's time to pay at the grocery line.

Oh, yeah. I have that. You just got the digital wallet. Oh, that's a. No other way to pay. No other way to pay. And then needing to sell during a stock market crash. Oh, that's a dude. You should have picked that one. It's like, oh, no, oh no, I got to sell. I got to get out. Everything's crashed. We've all been there. It's such a good. It's the market's taking and I got to sell my stuff. You got to call your guy. Not log into Robin Hood.

Right. No, that's, that one, that one's really funny. You feel a little, no coming back from that. What did we learn today? I learned today that falling is our greatest enemy as we age. We will die from falls. I learned that Josh thinks nine seconds of knowledge of something is enough to be an expert. Johnny Cash, apparently in the military? Doing real good work.

That's not a stage name. Wait, so if he lied, Stalin could still be alive. Is that what we're saying? It's all up to him? John R. Cash. Wow. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. See you next time.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.