Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Internet Intruders & Best Mustaches - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 23, 2026

Spit Hit for April 23rd, 2026:  On this awesome episode we discuss the intricate details of tree insurance, figure out how to deal with a horribly awkward situation in Life Advice and bring things home with a Best Moustaches draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Blab-a-blop. Blop blop-blop. Did you make yourself a laugh at the end? I was going to say, you can't bail out at the end and laugh at yourself. I don't know, man. I think that's a nice exit strategy. There's a whole other blop to drop. No, no.

But you stop. There definitely was nothing left there. Welcome into the spitballers episode 2.97. That is a lot of episodes. At least 200 too many. Not really. Some are saying. Would you rather life advice and we are drafting the best mustaches on today's show?

Mm-hmm. Iconic, favorite, funny, whatever you, whatever you, just the best. Could be characters, could be actors, could be actresses. Sure. I mean, we do not put a mustache in a box. Can it be milk? A milk mustache? Yeah.

Not now that you didn't break it out during the draft. That would have been the kind of Jason pick that you try to sneak into a draft, but no, no, no, I'm sorry. Okay. We draw the line at milk moustaches. Spipelotpod.com's the website. Al Borland in the house. I'll say hello to everybody. What's up, Spitwads?

There you go. He's here. Proof. We are going to kick things off. Were people concerned? I don't know. Did his parents think that he was taking hostage? They were demanding proof of life and they got it.

Yeah, he's still here. Okay. Haven't paid him in years, but he's still doing the job. Would you rather? Raj from Patreon. You rather have everything you eat be critiqued by Gordon Ramsey. I already have a question about this one. Or every financial decision you make be critiqued by Dave Ramsey.

Oh, brother. Now, can I get some clarity here? Because I don't feel like, is this everything I eat or everything I'm cook? Because if I'm just eating something, I don't care of Gordon Ramsey critiques it. Right. I might want to know. Am I supposed to like this? That almost seems like a benefit.

Right. As opposed to if I'm preparing it, then I feel like I am the small baby that is getting made fun of. But there is the French fries again, huh? Yeah. Oh, would he do that? Oh, for sure he would. He would do some dietary shame. If he saw the amount of French fries I eat.

Yeah. Oh, he does. Yeah, he really like. If he's going to criticize everything you eat or critique. Okay. So he's over your shoulder and he's just literally like. He's watching your choice. He would probably, he would definitely criticize me for like if I take something off of the way the chef wants it prepared at a restaurant.

You know that that chef, chef guilt when I'm like, no tomatoes please. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. You're going to want the tomatoes on there. No, they give you. No, I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Ramsey would be like, you know, you don't, you don't take that off. That's, that gives you the acidity that blah, blah, blah, whatever. Okay. So, and then. All the financial decisions being criticized by Dave Ramsey. I mean, you're not going to be in a position where you're not taking a credit card out. You're not taking a loan out. You're not borrowing money.

I'm not very in on Dave Ramsey. I just see him tell, yeah, I know the credit card thing. He says absolutely no credit card. Yeah, no debt at all, no debt of any kind, other than your mortgage. Yeah. And then. Yeah. I feel like you're going to be shamed.

Shoo! I buy so much stupid crap. Oh, man. There's no way. There's no way I can deal with Dave Ramsey with my poor spending habits. I mean, like, no. You have poor spending habits? I do.

Yes. I have very poor spending habits. I don't feel like that is something I... You're unaware of this? Yeah. I feel like maybe long ago, I thought you did. Have you reestablished a new... pattern of old habits?

I think I just, well, I mean, you know, you guys accuse me of being boozy. Yeah. We don't accuse you. We just would tell you. No. We tell you what you are to your face. You are, and I say this in the nicest possible way, you are loose with money. Yeah.

And that has. Can't take it with you, brother. It works both ways. It works with the funny ways where we joke that you're boozy and you get things that are dumb but it also works with like you're very generous you you have supported and given money to people and you're not like you could be like super tightwad on that side too like you can only spend money on wild and crazy things but they never give it away so i feel like loose is the best turn yes i i just i have an open i have an open uh hand on my on my money and the stores

can take it or the people that around you but like like for example when i'm trying to trying to find out what the best pot and pan set is, right? Uh, okay. I know which one is the best. Yeah. Yeah. It's the most expensive one. You think you do.

You think you do. It's the most. I mean, why would it cost more if it's not the best? That's good science. I have that. I have that bar. You would not be, that would not be a good combo. Because at a minimum, Dave Ramsey wants you to have a plan for your money.

That would be the best, that would be the best summary of it is, All right, do you got a plan? Nope. But Gordon Ramsey, like, you're cooking a lot now. You're Neutra boy. Dude, I would love Gordon. Gordon Ramsey critiquing my, I want to get better at this stuff. You could handle the, even if it's vicious.

Oh, yeah, yeah. See, I, he's a delight. He's a idiot sandwich. I secretly think Gordon Ramsey's awesome. Oh, I openly think Gordon Ramsey is awesome. I haven't watched either of these. So you're not a Ramsey guy in any way. Any Ramsey, Mike doesn't know about him.

No, I know about the Ramsey who held a REEC, adaptive. Oh, yeah. Yeah? What are you going to give me a bad joke? That was a sick reference, bro. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

Nobody knows what we're talking about still. Is it Bolton? Al. Yes. Ow, what's that about? Well, Al doesn't know. I have no idea. Owl doesn't know because he's never watched the show.

I wasn't listening. He hasn't watched the show either. That's not fair. So if some of the audience hasn't watched the show, what kind of references is that? That's all of the references. pop culture reference and the history of references if someone hasn't seen it

you can't go you can't go deep deep character on a show that was over five years ago that is deep what yeah if you don't show up could you go game of Thrones Calisi I'm not talking about Calisi game of yes you could go Calisi you're just saying I'm saying the character on the show is a deep reference man I'm saying like if I just reference like a side

character on an old everybody loves Raymond episode It doesn't count. There's no one. There is not a side character. He was the most hated character on the show by the end. If you list them in importance, he doesn't make the first page. Okay. Wow.

No, no, no. I'll even agree with that. But what I disagree with and adamantly and emotionally is that every single person out there that watch Game of Thrones, when you hear the reference of Ramsey to Rique, so now you're actually referencing two characters, no one out there didn't get it. Let me ask you, Andy. did you understand the reference? Yeah.

Of course you did because you've seen Game of Thrones. Yeah. I'm not a big fan of the creative. If you're driving in your car right now and you're listening and you was, it was killer. And you did not understand the reference. Raise both hands up right now. And I'm sure the roads are safe right now. Put them out the car window.

No one is doing that. All right. Sick reference. Thank you. I would rather have every financial decision critique by Dave. Ramsey because I am very like I have a plan you're very organized and I could I want that I would want that and I want it's a cardinal of the yeah uh teaching and and berating at my oh my gosh what do you need more help with Mike oh that's a good question food or money uh food okay yeah

you've always been pretty good at like you you you save where you should uh you two guys are way more responsible than I am. How, how do you need some money? Are you, do you need some help? I need money too. Stacey from the website. Would you rather have to let somebody else take your contacts out for you? I don't think Jason could do that for himself. I would have to have someone else do it for me.

Or pick food out of your teeth for you. I mean, the idea of somebody putting their fingers in my eyes or my mouth. Are they at least using a toothpick? Or are they going finger nails? Not on the eyes. No, no, no. They're using their finger nail to get it out of your teeth.

Oh. Oh. They can just take my context out. That's fine. Male or female. Does that make the difference for you? It does. Well, big.

Because big nails. Yeah. I feel like the nail, the longer it is, the more it removes their finger from my mouth. Oh, that's true. Like the nails an instrument you could use. Also, you don't want my nubby nails. No. I mean, I will be.

I'll be two knuckles deep in that mouth. Not only that. Not only that, but the issue is, how many tries is this going to take? Infinite. Like 30 minutes later, you're digging around. No, you, that's a good reference. I mean, you need, I want like acrylic.

Ironically, it's the opposite situation for the eyes in the context. I do not want those nails. Yeah. Going in for the contacts. Okay, I agree. I don't really want anyone. Did you ever contact? Oh, I could.

I could not. do context. So I have what's known as big baby syndrome. It's BBS. Yes. If you haven't heard of BBS. It's diagnosed by many

people around me. Friends and family. Yeah. Doctors nurses dental. I guess that's true. Anybody that knows you. Yeah. Anybody that's ever tried to do something for me, makeup artists, anything. They know I've got BBS because when I I can't be touched in certain places that are sensitive.

Like your face. Like my eyes. Like a needle? My face. Needles in like my arm. I'm just an IV. Oh my gosh. I can't take an IV.

And so I can't even do this myself. That's the crazy thing. No, I've never worn contacts. I don't, I genuinely don't know if I actually could get contacts. If you said here is $100,000, put these contacts in. You have 10 minutes.

oh, I'm going to try. I am absolutely going for that money. I'm going hard after that money. I'm going to, you know, psych myself up. I can do this. Everybody does this. Children have done this. And I would get that thing.

I'd put whatever, I don't know, not lotion. Solution. I wouldn't go lotion. Not lotion. He just covers a contact with lotion. James in his eye burns. Give me my money. But I don't know if I could get it.

I don't know if I could get the contact lens in. You did contacts Mike for a little bit. Yeah, I mean, so before LASIC, right? Yeah, yeah. Before I do that. I after. I lost it. Have I told this story that I lost a contact in my eye?

Oh, you lost it in the eye? Like to the back of the eye. No, no, no, no. So you just couldn't find it. I am. I mean, I'm younger. I'm like maybe sixth grade or so. I mean, this is elementary school.

And I got glasses in, I think, the third grade or so. and eventually, oh, let's try out the contacts. And one day I am going to take them out. And I just, it's the pinch. I pinch the crap out of my eye. And you can pinch your eye. I'm going to be honest with you. I wore contacts for like 10 years.

I'd never pinch my eye. That sounds like a guy who can't control his hands. Pinch a sphere. You could just say it. These were the biggest contacts you've ever seen. Maybe not everyone has done it. I definitely pinch my eyeball. And it hurt extremely bad.

And then I couldn't find the contact. I assume it just had fallen out. It was whatever. They're disposable. And time goes on. And I mean, probably from pinching my eyeball. I'm like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not going to put the contacts in.

And then strangely, one of my eyes could see better. No, Mike, you idiot. I'm scared. Maybe I pinched my eyeball in the world. I didn't think about that. I didn't even... That's funny. I didn't even connect him.

But I legitimately was like, why? I can see out of my eye. And this went on for days. So you just slept with it and... Yeah, for multiple... I didn't know what was there. And multiple days went by... The fact that you could see didn't give it away.

That's good. And then eventually it was like, oh, probably a really good eye rub. And then, pook. Oh my God. Contact pops out. Oh, my God. I've lost my vision again. Oh, I'm blind again.

Oh, that is a good story. But for a moment, I thought my eye had regenerated. Aren't the consequences of like dirty? Oh, they're like if you, if you had somebody, let's just change the question for a split second. Like, what's your answer right away? My answer right away is I would, I would rather them do my teeth. I'm, I would say teeth.

But if you said, would you let somebody with the dirty finger put your contacts in for you, or, do your teeth, what would you do? Still context. I feel like I might switch to context. See, I feel like a dirty finger in the mouth. Dirty eye. That sounds the worst to me. So that's my vote. Yeah, I mean, if you get dirt. I don't want no eye infection. Well, I don't want

either of these. I don't want anybody with their fingers in my eyes or mouth. I guess you're more likely to get an infection. That's what it feels like. But I guess it depends where the fingers were. It's gross. All right. Fitz from Patreon. Would you rather have the only food?

in your house be foods that are typically stored in the pantry or foods that are typically stored in the fridge or freezer? There's a legit question. What do you say, Schiff? It's got to be the fridge freezer. It has to be. Because that's the fresh stuff. Now, do we do you get the benefit of being able

to microwave an oven or is it just? You don't have to like wait for bread to defrost? Yeah, you can I mean, if you choose the pantry, you can you have a bowl to put your cereal in. I mean, you can make the food. It's just the food choices that belong in those two places. It's just would, if you choose the fridge or freezer, you can't have anything

that is basically room temperature, package, whatever's in your pantry or vice versa. So what would have, I mean, if you just kept all your cereal in the fridge, that'd be fine. Serial. That's a loophole. But no one puts their. Yeah, the question says foods that are typically stored in the pantry. So you can't just. This was a thought experiment now. All right. This is not, I'm not trying to change the question. I was just thinking like of the things in my pantry that I could put in the fridge and be fine. That would be one of them. Yeah, canned spaghettios, love them cold, you know?

So. The truth is, so you know how, like... What do you go and do more now? Definitely the fridge or freezer right now. It's one of those things where this would be an amazing health benefit, right? Like, they say when you go to your grocery store, you're supposed to basically shop around the outside ring and never go into the middle aisles, right? Who is they?

Just health books. Whatever. But that's on the basis that fresh stuff's on the outside, processed stuff's on the inside? Yeah, like produce, meat, cheeses, the actual bakery or whatever. Like, that's all on the outside. And then inside is all the boxed, canned package. That's where the potato chips are. Is that just because the outlets are on the outside of the store?

So it's easier to plug on all the fridges. There's no floor outlets allowed. I feel like Andy might actually be right, except for the freezer section. There's aisles of freezer sections. I mean, we can overcome this, but it did seem funny at first. Yeah, but if you trace it back. Maybe if you trace it all the way back, that was easier. Yeah.

I bet I'll bet that is where it came from. I hope the next time you go into a store with freezes in the middle, we see, you look and there's like extension cords everywhere. We're just running up the ceiling. Yeah, straight up. Yeah. Did the first person ever who did a floor outlet, were people like really impressed by this? Yes.

Or was it like a? Oh, yeah, that makes sense. But it's no. I don't think they were impressed because to be truly pulling this off, the person that made a floor outlet knows what they're doing. They invented it. And that thing is hidden. No one knows.

So I think maybe they're impressed with their inquisitiveness. Like, how is this working? Is this on a battery? I see what you mean. Fridge freeze or final answer. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this would be great to get rid of all the problems.

stuff that I love so much. Al, do we have time for another or do we want to move on? Let's move on. All right. We'll take a break and jump into some life advice. Spidmollers to the rescue. All right. Ready to dish up some life advice. Jack submitted this question on the website. I have a large and mighty tree in my backyard.

Very close to the fence. Large and mighty. Very close to the fence. fence that separates me and my neighbor's yard. My neighbor, while very kind, is nervous that one day the tree could fall on her house. But it's large and mighty. Every time I see her, she asks if I've thought about getting it cut down and even offered to pay for the cost of removal.

I have no fear of the tree falling and I feel like she is being overly paranoid. Am I being selfish or should I just let her pay for the removal and be done with it? No, you should not let her remove this tree. I do. I agree that this is an awkward question when you have a property line discussion because that's always interesting when it comes to trees. Now, I have had houses where I have benefited greatly from the shade of neighboring trees and desperately hoped that they wouldn't get rid of them. In fact, at one point in time, it looked like Mike and I were going to be neighbors and he purchased the lot. next to mine, which contained a tall and mighty tree.

Yes. That also shaded my pool from about 3 o'clock in the afternoon through the end of the day. And my greatest fear was that for some reason, though tall and mighty tree would be removed. No way, man. Trees are awesome. Trees are awesome. Now, if this is really, really, really big and really, really tall and really, really close to this person's house, you can't see any scenario where you're not scared. where no I'm not

like a normal person yeah I could see where people are scared I don't at all sure there's people have trees in their yard all the time but there are really tall big trees that do fall down like and if it was right on your property line it would be a threat to you I got a

I have a quick insurance question Of course to get big and tall and mighty You have not fallen down for a long time that's why it's silly Okay go to the douche's alley Papa Josh was once in a man if he was in insurance I couldn't remember how to say he was in insurance insurance is a hard word if my tree falls on your yard and hurts your house who's liable you are nobody yeah baby that tree's not going nowhere the only way that you're liable is if your tree was dead and you and you knew it and you did not do anything to mitigate it being dead and falling but if the tree falls over that's considered an act of God. And if that's an, so that means that your homeowners insurance would cover your property

damage from the act of God. Correct. Very good advice to Josh. Very, very astute. So just make sure there's always a note from the tree that says I am definitely alive. Mm-hmm. Out front at all times. No way.

What? Get out of you. I'm not cutting my tree down. The only reason I would ever consider this. What if it had dropped? I'll cut your tree down. Sorry, go ahead. The only reason I would ever consider it is if, you know, it says it's next. to the property line. If my tree is like growing over and into their property, I'd have a little

bit of guilt there if they had a problem with it. Or, you know, if they got a pool and my tree is the reason that their pool is just uncleanable all the time, that would be guilt where I would like maybe consider it. But, but I like, I like trees. Who doesn't like trees? Out here, we are very pro trees because so few of them have really they're not mighty and strong. They don't really get it done. There are a lot of places where it's like there are too many trees.

There are, you know, weather like snow, which like if snow lands on trees that, you know, dead branches and stuff is really dangerous. If this tree had, here's a problem for Jack. The problem is she's now raised it, which means if it does fall, it's no non-concalf. neutral. It's like she's got an I told you so and a lot of anger towards you. I've got

good news for Jack. Your tree ain't falling. You're fine. Like your tree's not going to fall so you don't even have to have guilt. What if a branch falls down previously and has landed in their yard? I would say I would cut that down. I did that. I'm okay. I get that

the question of if the tree is over the fence line and it's invading pool or even just making a yard, it's a problem for your yard, go ahead, you can cut that part down. I think that that's... Like on their side? If your tree's in my yard, I think I can cut it.

I think I did some research on this at one point in time. That's fine. And if my tree is going into your yard and you want to cut it, what's in your yard? The fruit of the tree, if it's a fruit-bearing tree, becomes your possession if it's over to the property. is basically a vertical line, at least here in Arizona, of the property line, you can,

you could just trim the whole side of it straight up. Hmm, but that could make them mad too. Well, they would be the one trimming it. No, I'm saying that could make the owner of the tree. They are the owner of that part of the tree. I mean, by rule, they could make it mad, and then you'd be like, you should have cut it down. Yeah, but you can't poison your part of the tree to go over and hurt something. This was literally just an is-this real life that just happened.

There's this, like, well-to-do community in the upper northeast where this woman, like, poisoned hundreds of trees on somebody's property because she wanted to be able to see the shoreline from her property. And she had offered to get the neighbor to cut down trees and they didn't want to. So she poisoned them all. Are you telling me that trees? Their trees are allergic to poison? You got it.

That's incredible. Yeah, a bunch of oak trees. So did she enjoy her view? It's a great view now. From jail. Yeah, exactly. Mike from Patreon, my neighbor keeps borrowing my Wi-Fi password because their internet is, quote, temporarily down. After the first time they asked, I changed the password a couple days later.

Then they came back over and asked for the new password. It's been three months and I'm starting to feel like they're unpaid ISP or that they didn't pay their internet. service provider. They seem to be taxing the bandwidth pretty hard and I'm stuck buffering all my shows. How can I tactfully cut them off without making it awkward? That's tough. I get you don't want to have the confrontation of it. But this is, I mean, this is completely unacceptable. Oh, this is an easy answer, man, because I hate confrontation. Of the neighbor. What? Okay. You have your anti-confrontation method. Are you signing up for second service? No.

Because this is going to go back to that Dave Ramsey thing. I'm changing my Wi-Fi password again. And when they ask for it, I'm saying my Internet's down. Is yours down? Mine too. Crazy. So lying is your answer? Yeah.

Okay. Wait. Yeah. Got it. I think you probably shouldn't have changed the password just a couple days later. I think that was your first mistake. You should have let that ride for a little bit. How long?

That should have been like a week. A week? Because then you can come back when they ask again and say, Oh, I just changed it. It's been down a week. What's the deal? A couple days. That's, I mean...

But they are where they are. Now it's been three months. No, I helped problems only in the past. Oh. With what could have been. Yeah, we're in charge of the future problems. Andy does the past problem. I mean, if they're hurting my bandwidth, it would be...

I would fix this so quick. I mean, this would just... You'd up your bandwidth? I would just... You would. I would just change my password. I mean, just change it. And just say, oh, no.

We haven't been able to, you know, this is not your internet, man. Yeah, this is the truth. Right, Al? Here's how Andy would- It's your internet. You ain't wrong. Here's how Andy would fix the problem. He would let the neighbor know that Andy's bandwidth is being like laggy.

And so you can't use it right now unless it's an emergency or something. It would call honesty. And it would be totally fine. It would solve every problem out there. but you'd have to have that moment of confrontation. And I'll do everything to avoid that. So I'll double my internet. If your neighbor...

I'll pay for their internet. If your neighbor borrowed a riding mower that you had bought for $6,000. That's a nice one. Okay? It's you. It's probably... John Deer. It's $12,000.

Yep. It's the top of the line. It's made for yards 10 times the size of yours, but you got it anyway. Yeah, it's going to do it faster. And they said, can I borrow it? I need to trim my yard, or whatever you call it, mow my yard. I need to mow my grass. I need to mow my grass and then they put it in their garage and they forgot to return it to you.

How many months until you get it back? Are you willing to go over there and ask for it back? Yeah, if I need it. I mean, I would let them have it until I need it. I mean, that's just great. They're storing it for me. But if I needed it, I would just say, oh, hey, I need to mow my lawn. And that doesn't feel confrontational.

But what if they said no? I'd say, okay. Yeah, I get it. I'd be like, yeah, okay. And then I'd probably have to, at that point I would probably just. If they said what mower? Oh, if they were like, they just gaslight me? I would be like, oh, man, I thought I gave you a mower.

Honestly, they would probably win. I wouldn't even have to like do. I would probably go. They'd convince you you're wrong. I'd go talk to the family. I'd be like, man, I lost my moor. I thought I gave it to Nancy. It turns out.

I just lost it. I just, someone stole our. mower. Did you guys see? Man, I want you as a neighbor bad. Yeah, I, I have been, my trees stay up. I have been a very kind neighbor to, like in, in my past houses, I have bought things for neighbors, loaned things for neighbors, taking care of problems for neighbors just to avoid confrontation. Um, but I will say this. I will say this. Breaking news. I'm about to be a bad neighbor. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're going to, you got to talk about. about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you are. I just moved to a new neighborhood. And so I'm a rebel. I'm a new. Another year, another house. Uh, there's an HOA. Okay. Oh, I didn't know about that layer. Yeah. In the, not just the county. Not just the, not just the neighbors. There's an HOA. And in our HOA, you are not allowed to have chickens. Right? Watch me, bro. I'm building that. I'm building my chicken run. You're waving your finger in the face. of the HOA? And now you're telling

everyone about it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, so here's the thing. I didn't think about that part of it. I don't think this is a good idea. I'm... Hey, police. I'm tucking it way back. Like, it's in a corner that's far from my neighbors. Now, wait, are you wagging your finger or you're not? Now you're, now you're back

and down. Now you're like, oh, I'm hiding it away. I want my fresh eggs, I don't want the po-po coming shut me down. So, wait, are you, uh, so I, Mike Wright. H-O-A and city. Is city ordinances against the? I don't know, but I, Mike, right, am going to wave my finger against the HOA, and I'll take what comes.

So you can visit me and shut me down. Did you guys see, sorry, we're going back to Wi-Fi because I remembered it. There was a viral video that went out of a neighbor confront or a person confronting their neighbor because the neighbor had been using the other Wi-Fi for years. And then this person put a password on it. Oh, I have seen this video. And neighbor comes in to demand that they take their password off. And they're like, no, this is my Wi-Fi. And they're like, yeah, but I've been using it for years.

Oh, my gosh, that can't be real. Oh, it's a real video. It's just like, yeah, but that's mine. And they're just, they're so angry and can't understand why someone would put a password on their Wi-Fi. Is that the one where he kind of says that's like the neighborhood's internet or something like that? Yeah. Yep, it's the neighborly thing to do. People are so entitled.

There's only one thing that I wouldn't like about you as a neighbor. I just thought of it. Chickens? No, well, the chickens, I don't know. They're not even a problem. I'm not getting a rooster. Here's the truth. Chickens eat bugs.

Yes. Bugs affect the whole neighborhood. That helps. Yeah. And I'm not sure that chicken poop smells bad. No, and I'll clean it. And unless you got roosters waking me up. No, no, no, no.

So not worried about that. No. The only thing is that with eggs. I'm pretty sure you have more trash receptical. in the whole street combined because you rent I do 10 to 20 trash recepts up to I have a lot. And I've been to your house where I want to drop you off

out front your house and there's no area to pull up anymore because it's just a no curb it's like all of them from the neighborhood. Yeah, I wish I could just get a dumpster. We mores, we accumulate a lot of garbage. You should start doing something else that age away wouldn't like. You should start incinerating your trash in the backyard. Oh, maybe.

Like your own burn it, baby. All right. Do we have time for another one, Al? Let's do one more. I think we super... Did we help that one? I'm not sure. Matthew from Patreon.

Something about being a neighbor. It changed the password. Okay. We have a friend. Matthew has a friend whose house recently burned down. That sucks. We don't have a ton of extra money,

but we felt compelled to send them something to help. So I Venmoed them $40. When I got to the confirmation screen, I realized I had accidentally sent them $400. Dude, that's big of you. I instantly received a text with an ecstatic second heartfelt thank you from them before I had the chance to explain the mistake. I cannot afford that big of a gift right now.

Yes, you can. Yeah, that is the answer. That is done. Dude. That is done so. You're going to go sell a dresser. Okay. You got to do what you got to do.

You lost that $360. That is so funny. It's over. Yeah. That is over. You can't gift someone in a contest. Astrophy money have their heartfelt response. I'd be like, actually, bro.

That is your stupid tag. I need that back. Oh, that's so funny. Go sell a dresser is the right. That is the life advice. Oh, man. That's she gone. Okay.

That is earmarked. Dave Ramsey would say, she gone. That's gone. Now, let me just tease it out because we all agree on that, right? Like that money's toast. Yeah, their money's gone. And you just need to, now you just receive the benefits of the, You're having a garage sale now.

And you've got a friend that loves you for life, right? You just bought their affection for this. They're not your neighbor anymore, though. No. Sorry about your house. But what if you put another zero on there on accident? How many zeros does it take to where you can? Oh, four grand.

If you meant 400 and you go to four grand. No, what if you meant 40 and you went to four grand? Can you go and? You're saying you meant to do $40? Because it's so obvious that it was large. Where does it get to where you can actually say, whoops? I think it's the total amount of money, not the obviousness. So, for instance, if I meant to do $40 and I accidentally, I put the double zeros in thinking I was doing the cents, and it was $4,000, I would tell them, oh my gosh.

After you got the text? After I would say, I just saw that. I meant to send $400. It was one extra zero, not two extra zero. $4,000 is a fair amount of a house burns down, though. I think it's proportional to... They're not building a house with my $4,000. If your house burned down and I gave you $4,000, you wouldn't think I necessarily made a mistake.

No, that's true. You'd be like, oh, that will help towards my really expensive house. Exceptionally generous. So I just think like, and then you got the tax. It's like, oh, my gosh, this is saving us in a hard time. I still think the $4,000 is hard to fix. I will say this. The question has come in.

And so no matter what, the answer was not given right away. This is like in fantasy football, if you accidentally click something, and sometimes it's like, well, you've got to live with it. You said accept this trade. But if the answer comes immediate, it's like this goes through, oh, yeah, I'm glad you took that trade. Oh, whoops, I didn't mean to. That's way different than a day later. Yeah. You know, you accept this trade. The text comes in. Oh, I'm so glad you accepted this trade. And then a day later going, oh, that was an accident. I mean, Matthew, this has brought me great entertainment to know that you went through this. Is it inappropriate? to text them and say, may I borrow $360? Yes. But what if you've got a need? You're saying borrow.

This is just begging. I thought this question was going another place, which I also have this question, so I might as well ask it as well, which is like, if somebody has a major catastrophe, is there too little of money to send that is an insult? Yeah, $40.

That's kind of my first reaction. That's you send nothing. Yeah. Like, don't send $40 for a, like the house is Probably 500 grand. You make them a nice dinner. What's the... You say we'll take care of dinner a week.

What's the bare minimum? Because I know we'd all agree that 100 is fine. Yeah. But is 50 okay? Like 40 feels like... No. For a house? For any real life event.

You know, a major life event. I'm judging it based on the... It's got to be at least 100. Right. I don't... I mean, if you bang your car up and getting a car accident, it doesn't have to be 100. It could be 50 for car repairs. Car repairs isn't a major life event.

Okay, so you're not counting a car accident? No. Who's putting a GoFund me out there for a Finderbender? Hey, I got rear-ended a little. Check this Go-Fund me out. A lot of people don't have money for car repairs. But do they go-fund me? No, not a go-fund-me.

But neither was this. I didn't get hurt. But old Betsy, she's a wreck right now. Yeah, I think that there is definitely two. small an amount. Yeah. Where it is an insult. Which you did it.

And then karma got you. Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah. Congratulations because you were about to get a different text. When that $40 went through, the text was going to be like, dude, it's okay if you need to keep this, you know?

Or you just get a text that's 40 question mark. Did you make a typo? All right. We're going to take a break and come back with our draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, no better way to celebrate episode 297 than to draft the best mustaches on the planet. So, Mike, you have the first pick in this draft, and there's a lot of mustaches that you must choose from. Man, and there's some elite top-tier talent in the mustache department here.

It really is an iconic look. It can be, like a mustache can be who you are. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like if you take somebody's mustache off of certain people, people, they don't exist anymore. Uh, oh, man, I'm, I'm stuck between, you're struggling at number one. Because there's, do you not know what the drop was today?

Is it, is it, is it, is it, is it mustaches? Yeah, it was the first, yeah. And you, you knew you were the first pick, right? I'm going, yeah, but I, when you're on the clock, man, the pressure's up. I'm going Tom Selt. Okay, that's, I, I would say classically. That's the vanilla ice cream of the pick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is the most common. It is, it You know, that's kind of the name that comes to mind for me when I hear it first. And that's why I took it. But the problem for me is like, I've never watched Tom Selk in anything. He's my parents' generation.

He is an expiring mustache, as I like to say. Yeah, it's just one of those like. There will be a generation of people that don't know Tom. Like if you ask, my kid. Oh, they're not going to know Tom. I say, what do you think of Tom Selleck's mustache? I'm just saying. Yeah, they will.

Okay, perfect. So generationally, I better not hear anybody old. I knew that I stepped in that poop. You guys walked in a weird direction. I knew I stepped in that poop right away. But I was just trying to agree with Jason that like all those real modern guys with mustache. Hey, I've got more iconic mustachees.

Okay. All right. Let's go. I'll take a, I'll take a modern one, a show that just finished a couple years ago instead of a show that's finished. When was Tom Selleck's big hits were like in the 70s? They were decades ago.

In the 90s, maybe. I'm taking Ron. Swanson. Okay. I'm taking Duke Silver. Give me that mustache and give me all the eggs you got and all the bacon you got. It's a good, look, that's a good pick, but not a first round pick. Oh, Ron Swanson does not belong. I mean, Tom Selleck's a much better pick than that. Thank you. I'm taking the mustaches of the people I like. Also, I've never watched Tom Sellegan anything. Would you, I've gotten such good picks now. This is a question for Andy. Would you say, nine years is a couple?

No. Okay, just checking. For no reason at all. Yeah, yeah. No, look, it's not a first round pick. I'm sorry. I just don't agree with it. The people are going to,

Tom Selleck. The people are going to come at you for that one. If this was a big mustache, like, tournament, Selick destroys Swanson. Thank you. I'm sorry. And I love Swanson, but I'm just darned. All right, we're back on track. Look, I've got,

I've got two mustaches to pick Not like I don't have to Because you can't Unless you have two sets of mouths What? Well you can't have more than one mustache No one can have more than one Yeah

Okay My first pick is What if you were to do You just cut off my pick What if you were to do a horizontal stripe on your lip? It's whatever's closest to the lips to the lips.

It's still a mustache. That's the only one you got. It's just a striped mustache. I did think about the double striped mustache. It's still a mustache. Pick number one. Yeah, I'm going Mario. Yeah, Super Mario.

Mario is on the list. You just made fun of Ron Swanson. And you went with Super Mario first pick of video game character. They're not even in the same like tier. One of them grew a real mustache. I'm just saying. I built an entire gigantic list. and then was like, oh yeah, Ron Swanson.

Thank you, Mike. Super Mario was the third name on my list. Thank you. The world will agree. And then goodness gracious, I will go with my, look, I'm already a huge Western guy. The mustache and the Westerns are incredible. And I get handed Sam Elliott. Yeah, that's a good thing.

I mean, Sam Elliott is that mustache. He is mustache. He is mustache. That is the. best phrase ever. In fact, if a mustache was walking down the street, my first assumption, it would be Sam. So I'm taking Sam Elliott and that freaking great mustache to go with Super Mario. Yeah, no, I, I love that pick. That is way better than Mario and I enjoy Sam Elliott. Okay, so I am back on the clock. I'm going in a, I'm going in a different direction, I think, than you guys, right? You guys are going. Yeah, you are. You guys are. What direction are we? going in. You guys are going like popular mustaches. Popular mustaches. You know, like big iconic mustache, the best mustaches of all time. Like that's what you're trying to do. Okay. That's not the game I'm playing. No, no. Nuisance. I'm building the best team a dudes with mustaches.

I am going to entertain the masses with my mustaches. And it's going to start right now with Borat. Borat? Borat? Borett? All time. Worse to pick. Such a good pick.

My wife. Oh, man, the top two. Oh, baby. Go look and remind yourself of that gorgeous regal mustache. I know it's a good mustache. But borat. Oh, baby, yeah. Now, I'm so proud of my pick.

It's so good. Huh. In the annals. of time. No mustache reigns supreme like Ron Swanson and Borat. That's darn right. All right. You're going to see a theme. I am so sorry, Mike, that I began any part of this draft with a criticism of Tom Selleck. You have made a wonderful pick. I mean, okay, Borat. Super Mario. It's hard to follow. All right. It's hard to follow Borat. Yeah. Go ahead. But I will try. This one, I got to get this name out there.

I'm going with Groucho Marx. Okay. Yeah. Because this is just, this is a pure respect of when you buy a fake glasses with a fake nose and a mustache, that's Groucho Marx mustache. It's his real mustache. So that was my question. I had a genuine question. I didn't know if he

put on a fake mustache. I don't think he had a real. Or if that was real. And for those that don't know Groucho Marx, you can Google it. This looks like a bow tie as a mustache almost. I mean, this is, it's flat on the sides. Yeah, this, it can't be real. It looks like a fake mustache. It's a Groucho Marx mustache. It's got to be a fake mustache then. I don't think so. Someone, someone, someone vet that. I'll get on that. Back then they didn't have fake

mustaches. I think, I think he may have. All right. All right. So Groucho Marx. Yes, I'm taking Groucho Marx. And then we're going to go. I mean, whatever, let's just pile up the old guys. because I was torn between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. So I'm going to go with Burt Reynolds because look, this is the mustache had its time. I'm so. It had its peak. And it was when those two guys were at the top. Yeah.

Yeah. And I definitely believe the Selleck belongs ahead of Reynolds. No question. Unfortunately, you have made a great. Boring. Just good competition. You're a good competition for me in this draft. Okay.

That's what I'm saying, Mike. I can't wait to dominate this. What good pick are you going to make? Oh, it's going to be so good. It's going to be so good. Here it comes. It better not be my last pick. You ready for this?

Yeah. I'm Ron Burgundy? Yeah, baby. He's on my list. Perfect for your team, though. It is. Just the right compliment. You are going character over.

Ron Swanson, Borat, and Ron Burgundy? Are you kidding me? Who doesn't want to hang out with that mustache group? I do. I sure. do. All right. I don't want to hang out with.

You want to hang out with Borat? Oh, he'd make me laugh like crazy. He'd be handing me bags full of his poop. I mean, funny gags. What? All right. No, I don't remember that part. It's been a while.

Jason's getting in my head a little bit because I've got some worthy moustaches that belong here. But I am a little concerned about the fact that he went contemporary. on everything. See that? But Mike's got some. Ron Swanson's contemporary, Mike. Yeah.

Yeah. In the last decade. Good job updating these guys, by the way. Really good job. I don't mind calling him contemporary. I mind you saying a couple years. Okay. All right.

I'm going to go with. Oh, by the way, I had one note next to Tom Selleck on my list, which obviously you drafted him, but it was just thick. Yeah. That is a thick. When you see that mustache, there are so many people out there, so many men that are like, I can't grow that much hair per square inch. I would say almost, I would say almost every man on the planet that has ever thought of that.

That's a hair per inch, like, record. Yeah, I mean, you're, you're, you're, as DPI. Density. You're talking about Sam, Sam Elliott has, he is a mustache. He is mustache. And he does not have the thickness. He, his, his thickness still wishes that it was Tom Selle. You know who?

doesn't wish that, Borat. Dude, that thing, that thing is, we're back to Borat. I'm just saying, all right, you want to give respect

to thick moustaches. You respect Sasha Baron Cohen because that, that dude can grow a stash. He can. It was fake, by the way.

I just looked that up. No. Yeah. Oh, no. That's a fake mustache. And the world crumbles. Oh, yeah? Groucho marks?

Huh? Oh, yeah? I'm not flexing to my guys being real. I'm just kidding. I have no idea. It's not. No, there's no way.

I'm vetting this. Oh, Oh, man, but the fear that you had on your face. Yeah, that felt it's pretty stupid. All right. I'm going a classic and an iconic. I'm going Albert Einstein. Okay.

The bushy. Oh, just unruly. Genius, unruly mustache. That thing is all over the place. And then I'm going to fall. Ooh, maybe I make a pivot. Maybe I make a pivot. You haven't gone yet.

You can just walk to your next pick. No, no, mental pit. Oh, okay. Yep. I'm doing it. Teddy Roosevelt. Oh, Teddy Roosevelt. My mustache is presidential. Yours is Borat.

I'm going president. And speaking of Borat. I started typing a Teddy mustache to look at it. President Teddy mustache was the 22nd president. Bulley. So speaking of Borat, it is a real mustache. Oh, man.

But you were scared. Because of my lying. Yeah, because you're lying. I was very scared. Well, this makes it easy. There is one man that I know left. That just fits my list. He was the lowest on my ranking of mustaches in general.

But when I'm assembling an iconic comedic team of mustaches, Ted Lassow's got to be there, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look at my team. Ron Swanson, Borat, Ron Burgundy, and Ted Lassow? I think Ted Lassel really saves your team there. Thank you. Yeah, it's perfect for your squad.

I'm loving my group. Basically, if somebody stepped into like what, like a 10-year time machine, none of these mustaches existed, right? These are all modern mustaches. Yeah. Double M's. Yeah. Modern mustache.

M and M. All right. Mike, final pick, Selleck, Groucho Marx, and Bert Reynolds are your three. Jason has Swanson, Borat, Burgundy, and Lassau. I've got Super Mario, Sam Elliott, Albert Einstein, and Teddy Roosevelt.

Uh, some may say this is where my team jumps the shark, but I don't care. Wait, did you just go like a personal favorite mustache? Um, yeah, now I'm, I'm, we're going. My dad's. No, no. My dad was a mustache man, though. Yeah, at some point. Mine too.

No, it's the same era, the mustache era. Selig's era. Yeah. No, it's, it's a, a man. He's a little tiny orange man. And he takes care of the trees. It's the Lorax, baby. Oh my.

Oh, my God. Gosh. Dude, look at his mustache. You made fun of my picks. I know. He totally jumped his shark at the end, like he said. Yeah. The Lorax, I mean, it is.

Look at the Lorax mustache. If you look at a poster of. Bask in its glory. Of the Lorax, like, all it is is a mustache. Yeah. What's the guy with the two guns? You see him? Yeah, he had a way bigger mustache if you're going for just that.

The Loraxes looks like Wilfer Brimley. He does, and that was a real guy. It does. Yeah. You could have gone Wilfer Brimley. I can't believe Hulk Hogan went undrafted. I thought you guys would go. I mean, that is as iconic.

You could put it this way. If you put a mustache on a piece of paper, okay, you just drew a mustache. Is there anyone else that you could say? This is not a mustache. I mean, not a traditional. It's a handlebar mustache. Yeah, but I'm just saying if you draw that, you go, that's Hulk Hogan. That's Hulk Hogan's Mustang.

But that's not how I draw a mustache. I draw it and I go, I do the little curly keys. Yeah, Raleigh Finger style. I'm saying that you can't. That's more embarrassing. that Raleigh Fingers is not in here. I'm saying that if you drew the Raleigh Fingers mustache, and if you don't know who that is,

it's because you're great and you didn't watch baseball. If you drew that, you wouldn't look at that and go, well, that's Raleigh Fingers. You could say, oh, Raleigh Fingers had a mustache like that, but you don't know who that is. You don't know who any of these are, except for Hulk Hogan. No, you're wrong. No, I'm not.

I will say this. Raleigh Fingers would have been a pick, but I was afraid of the popularity, of the popularity of your list. Who was the guy on... Steve Harvey? Yeah, I thought for sure I'd end up with Steve Harvey. The Pringles guy on the can, the Monopoly Man. Yeah, all right.

Okay. Ned Flanders. That's a great one. Wyatt Earp. Yep, I thought for sure you'd end up with Wyatt Earp. I just didn't want to double up. Sam Elliott and Wyatt. Yeah, that's fair.

I thought when you said you were going to pivot, Andy, you were going to go Einstein right into Mark Twain. He was on the list. Charlie Chaplin, very iconic mustache. I had to choose Einstein versus Twain. Did I make the right choice? No. And here's why.

The reason is because, like, I thought of Einstein, but when I think of Einstein, and when anyone thinks of Einstein, as far as physically, you don't think about the mustache. You think about the top. You think about the hair. You think about the hair. Like, that's, that's, that is the iconic. It's pretty similar. If you were to, if you were to get a Halloween costume for Einstein, if you were to get a Halloween costume for Einstein, it might not even come with the mustache.

Like the wig is more important. The wig is enough. You walk in with that wig. That's unfortunately a decent argument that hopefully people turn the show off already. Charlie Chaplin. Yeah. That's about, oh, he did? That's about the end of my list.

I had Dr. Phil. That would have been a good Jason pick. He's not funny? Alex Trebek. Oh, yeah. Classic. But he had times where he was no must. That's true.

That's true. So I couldn't fully commit. Oh, no, Freddie Mercury. Oh. Oh, yeah. That guy, killer stash. He, I, I looked at him earlier and I meant for him to be on my list. I'm glad you, you name that, because that's very iconic.

What did we learn today? I learned that Jason is a renegade. He's going to tell his H-O-A. Jason Moore. You mean Mike? You mean me? Mike Wright? I am a renegade, and I will build a chicken coop on my Mike Wright's property.

I learned about the, uh, finery. of insurance law if the tree's not dead. That's such great news. You deal with your own problems. And I learned that even though I do agree with a lot of Dave Ramsey's teachings, I do not follow them. And I don't want him around me. And I don't want him judging me.

Judge thyself. I will. I shall not. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense.

the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.