Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Jason Storms Out & Best Parts of Being an Adult - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

There’s a first time for everything and on this episode, it definitely happens, but it might not be what you think. Join us for another hilarious, laughter filled episode with a new round of Would You Rather, Liar Liar makes its return and a Best Parts of Being an Adult Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Glarp, blarp, dig it in the dark, blop. Babbity boop. Skibby-boop boop. I will never skat again. Honestly, you... It takes a long time to pay back a scat.

Yeah, but no. he is so right. I will never skit again. I will find something to get from him. Yeah, I will. I'm willing to barter. I owe Jason four scats. So two more. This is the second one that I paid back

and obviously it was great. But it takes a long time. I mean, you've got to rotate through three shows. Maybe there's a little Al Borland worked in every 88 shows. I mean, Jason might literally not scat again because he's willing to spend the money. Yeah. I'll do what it takes. He's willing to do whatever it takes to not scale. You need a ditch Doug? Yeah, he'll ditch. He'll ditch a dog, as you say. I love that game in the arcade. What's up, Doc? Oh, my God. Dig Doug? Oh, I do. Thank you, Papa Josh. He's old enough. I was so disappointed in. You guys didn't play Dig Doug? I've never heard of Dick. I know what you're talking about. I know what you're talking about now. Dig Doug ruled.

Yeah. That's why I said that. You did. You dig. And you also then throw out a hose. And you inflate the bad guys. You inflate them up. And they pop. Sounds really cool. Dude, dig dug ruled, man. Digdug ruled, man. In the 80s.

Welcome to the spitballers. Andy Mike adjacent episode. You never played dig duck? I have never played it. I've never heard of it. And looking up, you know, sometimes you Google something and you're like, oh, yeah. I have absolutely never seen this in my life. What did you do with your life?

Something better than you. Something absolutely better. If he hasn't heard of it, you did? You did? It's not good. Yeah, because. And whatever you did is dad. Because I know that you did dig dug. Right.

So what did you do? He did, did that? I played basketball. And where did dad lead you? I don't know, to a great life with happiness and joy. Yeah, health, wealth, and fitness. Five, nine and no contract. Yeah.

Sorry, five, seven. I'm still good at dig dug. Would you rather liar, liar, and we're drafting the best parts of being an adult, which is one of the best things is not that you didn't live up to all your dreams. That one won't get drafted. Right. But best part of being an adult, still having hair. You know what's funny is one of the best parts of being an adult. Am I right guys? Yeah, that's true. Am I right guys? Totally. Who amongst us thinks that having it? Everybody's hats off. Ready Mike? Hats off. I didn't say small foreheads. I just said having here.

By the way, when we're putting the list together of best things about being an adult, I realize there's not a lot. Yeah. Truly. This was like, oh, that's going to be the easiest draft list to make of all time. It's like, oh, dude, you waited your whole growing up to be an adult. Listen to me, kids. You have it so good.

You have it so good. It's the Billy Madison. It's inexcusably good. Stay where you are. By the way, Al, did we do a draft of the worst parts of being an adult? Did we ever do that? Is that why we're doing this one? I don't think so.

Because there'd be a lot of those. Have we done best parts of being a kid? I don't think so. Because that stuff rules. I mean, that would be, I would have a list of 700 things. The problem, though. Worst parts of being a kid. Having nothing to do so often.

Oh, we did do the worst parts of being in old. I bet we did. Of course. Episode 228. There's a million of them. The problem of the tax is the best parts about being a kid are you, but when you're in it, you don't recognize it. No, you can't.

You can't do it without. It is such as humanity. Yeah. We don't recognize. You don't know what you got. You don't have to pay your bills. You don't know any better. So it's not like something that you loved during that time.

Like, man, I love that I don't have to pay electricity bills. If you had to, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, it's, we'll drop the best parts of being an adult. It's a small list, and we'll get to them today. It's one round. It's one round. And I struggled. You can't draft being closer to death.

Sorry. Would you rather is where we're going to start this one. Well, the 101's off the board. Would you rather? The great sleep approaches. One great sleep. Every time I wake up, I'm one day closer. One day closer.

Genuinely, I was. I was having a hard time coming up with best parts of being an adult. I genuinely was. Sure. I didn't. So I went to Twitter. I did something I've literally never done in 200 and whatever episodes we've ever had. How's your crowdsourcing going? And I crowdsource.

I just asked Twitter. what's your favorite part of being an adult? And the answers are... Nothing. One person said, I got nothing. One person said paying a $773 gas bill. It's like... Children.

Please hear us. Soke it up. It's so good. All right. Would you... Such is the cycle. They'll never hear. And they'll grow up and they'll be like, this is the worst.

Paying taxes. Nope, that's not it. Working a meaningless job 40 hours a week. Wait. That can't be it. This will be a heck of a draft. We, we are broken. Humanity is broken.

If you're putting like legitimately. Legitimately. Like sometimes we get a little, we get like fake serious on here. Oh, you want to get serious? This is like a real serious. You're putting out a poll.

Let's get real serious. And you're saying what are the best parts about being an adult and people, nothing. Like people cannot be genuine with. their answer. Do you want to know why? I do. Because when you are young, what you dream of is freedom. And when you get old, you realize you do not have it. Right. We think, like, we can make our own choices. But, but we don't. We, we, we could if we did not have, like, a moral compass or a guy, like, my life is obligations. Like, I don't get the choices I thought

I was going to get when I was an adult. Right. I just, like, I just, like, my life is obligations. Like, I don't get. I just, Like, oh, now. Because if you chose him, you're a bad adult. Exactly, because I would be a bad, like. You know what sounds? So the truth is, if you want to have a good time as an adult, you're a bad person. You know what sounds like it ruled? Prison.

No, no, no, no, I bet that, I bet it does a rule. Okay. Hunter Gatherer. Oh, Hunter Gatherer. Hunter Gatherer, man. Just until the first plague hits. Oh, well. Oh, well.

I'm out. Every man dies. This is not the conversation of that. No, but it's like, hunter gather is like, you're a hunter. It's like, okay, you're in the, you're in your tribe, right? You're out there getting your, your protein and your meat. You're either really, really good at it or you're dead. Or you're out.

I love that the title for this episode is going to be best parts of being an adult. People are going to be like, oh, that's great. And they put it on. It's like, nothing. Dying. No, we have some. We have some. Well, at the end of the episode, we'll scratch and claw away until a couple.

First, would you rather from Washoe Tiger on Patreon, would you rather see a spider in your bedroom right before bed, but not be able to find it again before going to sleep? Okay. That's not realistic. I couldn't sleep. Or see and feel nothing, but when you wake up in the morning,

there's security footage of a spider crawling across your face. Oh. Oh, I mean, this is just, this is for one person. Wow. Yeah, this question is for Jason. Yeah, okay. It's a legit question. So I feel like it's a good question for all three.

No, it's an easy question. No, for me it's spiders, okay. But let's say, wait, for what? I'm saying both answers had spiders. I have a, for me, the answer is spiders. I'm not saying the answer. I'm saying the question. The reason you say the question is for me is because I am.

You're the spider. But if it was like a rattlesnake. Spider guy. You know, you guys are more afraid of a rattlesnake. It's a great question for you. So I'm afraid of a rattlesnake, Jason? Yes, because they can actually hurt you. Yeah.

So the question, let's change this question for all three of us to a rattlesnake, something that could really kill us. Would you rather see a rattlesnake, but you can't do anything? No, no, no, no, no. I'm with Jason. This is a much better question. No, that's fine. I mean, the answer is going to be the one that guarantees I'm safe. I don't care.

I don't care if it slithers across my... Bird in hand. I don't care if it slithers across my belly while I'm asleep. It says I don't know it. I just see security footage The other situation where I go to bed I might literally wake up and it's biting me So I'm taking the one where I'm guaranteed safe

Okay, so hold on That's really true Jason Yeah We've all had Now if it's a spider snake That's a different story Hold on what is a spider snake? What isn't a spider steak?

Think about that? We've all had a situation At least I believe In your room You're going to sleep And you see a bug of some sort It could just be a moth

It's usually, yes It's usually a flying creature Legitimately You are going to bed Sheets The sheets are up I'm snuggled down You're in it

You are in it I mean for you that means I mask red light Every influencer health benefit Is mouth tape Benefit oh thank you Hostage tape Yes everything

Yeah, your arms are bound behind you. I don't think that's the thing. Is that thing? Not yet. Not yet. Hostage sleep is showing studies to increase your placebo. But, okay, your sheets are up. I want a huge placebo.

Thank you. Check out the size of my placebo. Legit. Your sheets are up. I know what you're saying. I'm all cozy tucked in. You see. You're protecting yourself.

Okay, but I have to like specify. You see. a spider. Uh-huh. Okay. The farthest corner from me. I'm glad you're being specific. Farthest corner from where you are snuggled in.

This has happened. Sheets up. I know exactly what I would do. Spiders and he's just, he's sleeping. He's snuggled in too. Yeah, he's all coming up. He's just in the corner. Jason's not sleeping.

No, no, no. Dude. Jason's not sleeping. I have had this happen. And spider type. It was harmless. It was... Yeah, because they all are.

It was probably a daddy long legs, big daddy long legs. And what I chose to do... What did we do? It's great. What did we do? What do you think I did? Wolf spider?

What do you think I did? No, no, no. I think that you slept in another room. Okay, Mike. Or went home. I think you called in someone to take care of the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremy.

No, no, this, you can't call, you can't possibly call Jeremy. He would. I will shock you. He killed it. I closed my eyes and pretended it wasn't there. Really? It was far enough away. If that thing was straight up.

No. No. Not there when I was what was what there? It was up there. There was nothing there. Right. It was one of those things where it's like, I have to pretend I didn't see this. I have to just.

You did that? You tricked yourself? Yes. And it was like, I'm pulled my eyes. How do you do that? It was far enough away. That's why I said I was happy. Are we talking like 20 feet?

well I mean it's the size of a bedroom so you know how big a bedroom is I've got different bedrooms I've seen your bedroom about 75,000 feet this was this was before I had the bedroom I got now you know this is like college bedroom um and uh have you ever had that happen in a car by the way are you for me spider in the car spider in the car is night spider in the car is i can't handle that i've never done spider in the car i've done a car I've done car that sounds just that sounds worse being a car's worse than spider in a car. Be in a car. Think half as hard as

rhino in a car. I was not driving the car because this is, I mean, this is, hey, this is 16 year olds. The, uh, the windows are down because the air conditioning doesn't work. It's Arizona and you're cool yourself. And all of a sudden a

bee flies in. Guys, I was not cool. You don't like bees. I was not cool. I mean, I don't have a problem with bees at all. But if a bee was in my car, I'd be freaking out. Yeah. I don't know how I would drive the car. It's not great. I had a friend

who had a bird in the car. Not a joke. That's awesome. Not a joke. I would be so... Bird in the car. But you would be happier with a bird in the car than a bee in the car. No, man. The problem is the bird... Flat, flap. Yeah. The bird... Too outrageously big. The bird realizes... Is it an eagle? No, no, no. You can have a sparrow.

A bird's bigger than a spider, Jason. You can have a sparrow in your car and the bird realizes this is a problem. Bird needs to... Get out of it. A spider is just like, sick. Where are we going? A bird? That's a problem. If the spider was straight above my head when I went to sleep, I would not be able to go to sleep.

Okay. I would move to a different room. But other corner. No, you have to go to sleep. The animal will not hurt you, but either hanging on a web above your head, it will never drop down and get you. You know this going into sleep. It's just, I know you're a little scared right now. The spider is hanging down.

It's four or five feet above your head. It will not hit you, it will not bite you, and will not hurt you. Or a rattlesnake is hanging five feet above your head. It will not hurt you. It will not hurt you. Which would you rather have hanging above you? I want to know how irrational this fear is. Wow. Neither is going to hurt you.

If I know neither is going to hurt me. A rattlesnake hanging. Well, is it rattling? It's not rattling. It's not stopping. So I can sleep through this. I'm not going to be like. No, it's coil.

The whole night. Do you know that babies use rattles to go to sleep? That's a great point, Mike. I just wanted a counterpoint. Some families do use rattlesnakes to put their babies. If I knew neither one would bite me or touch me. Come on, dude. Come on, dude.

Yeah, I think I'd take the spider. Okay. I think I would just because. We need to know where you're at, man. You don't know for sure. We have two people waiting outside that we're going to take you off. Yeah, dude. Rattlesnakes.

I've only encountered one and there's really something I was alone the size of the past really matters yeah for sure and I've run into two or three snakes in the last couple years

they're not dangerous snakes that I've run into one I'm not positive they're not I'm not good enough of it I know I know what a brown recluse and a black widow look like and how everything else is fine I don't know for sure

that that snake doesn't have some secrets No one knows. Nobody knows. So in my backyard, we have a chicken coop and a little garden. Okay. And I got sent a photograph. This was six months ago or so of a coiled up snake right by the garden. And the snake, it's a smaller snake.

It looks like a kind of a juvenile. We're calling a juvenile snake. That's why I'm going juvenile. It wasn't a baby, but it wasn't like full grown. Baby. My joke is for like two people. It looked like it could have been a rattlesnake. You couldn't see the tail to know.

If you don't know for sure, it's not a rattlesnake. If you don't know, it is. You need to get out of there. Exactly. So I had my pest guy come and look for it and put down, I don't know, some powder for snakes or whatever. Snake powder? They have snake powder? Yeah, there's like a powder that they put down.

It's the scent of it that keeps snakes away, apparently. Anyway. What does this smell? like? I don't know. I'm not a snake. But I don't know. I got to know about it. Also, no, correct. Correct. What is it? What does it taste like? Because as we all know, that we all know that snakes don't smell. They use their

snake or their snake tongue for. What's the animal that kills the snakes really good? Uh, honeybedger? No. Yeah, that is correct. Hawk. Hawks are good. No, I'm trying to think of what kills the cobras. Music. Come on, guys. Nobody knows what. What? Cobra? Mungoose. Mungoose. Thank you.

Anyways. Smells like mongoose. Go on. Great interrupts. Great B.MX bike. So, but now every single morning that I go out to the garden or the chickens, you're looking for a BNX bike.

I am terrified that there's going to be a bicycle back there. But like, I mean, it's gone. But if you had a photo, you know what kind of snake it was. I put it to Chad GBT, and they said... Who sent you the photo? My, uh, my gardener. The gardener doesn't know what kind of snake it is?

No, it took a picture and then walked away. He's just like, hey, bro, this snake was here. Believe it or not, people, when they find animals like this, a lot of the times, like my wife and other people, they think it's cool. And then they want to see more of the snakes. That's... Because snakes in actuality and spiders do good stuff for like our... World. Oh, well, that's not where I was going to go.

They don't. What, dude, dude, you know what sucks? Do you know what sucks? Flies and mosquitoes. And rabbits suck. They should get eaten by snakes. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Rabbits? Yeah, they eat all your garden, bro. We're going after rabbits? The snake doesn't eat his tomatoes. The rabbits eat the tomatoes. Rabbits rule. Rabbits don't rule.

Rabbits rule. Pest. Pest with. I'm putting a pole up. Do rabbits rule. Test with a puffy tail. I would. Pass with a puffy tail.

No, no, no. I'm putting it up. I'm putting it up. Rabbits are. This is unacceptable. Rabbits are. Docers, where am I with rabbits? They rule, right?

I think they're cool. Thank you. They're fine. Yeah, they're all right. They're fine. Okay. That's a, that's a point for rule. No, that's not a point for rule.

If you rule, you're awesome. No one's like, oh, yeah, that's great celebrity. It's okay. You wouldn't be like, oh yeah, that dude rules. Rabbits look cute. Rabbits are little monsters. They're cute monsters. I'm with Andy on this.

They destroyed my garden. Yep. I had one growing up. I had like a bunny. Snakes ain't doing that. Snakes ain't doing that. I had a bunny and it's all, it doesn't, it doesn't bond. It doesn't enjoy you.

It doesn't like you. It just scratches. They reprushed fast. Like crazy. It's back hind legs. There's so few animals that actually care about you. I posted my snake in the slack. I posted a counter.

I countered your tweet. What did you put up? I said rabbits suck. That's the whole tweet. We got to move on. Clara from Patreon, for the rest of your life, would you rather have a random eight-year-old

pick all the meals you eat or all the outfits you wear? Why do I feel like we've asked this question before? The first response on my poll is Andy told me they suck. You have influenced the poll. just telling him what he already knows. Oh, my gosh. Did you guys hear my question?

No. Would you rather have a random eight-year-old pick your meals or the outfits you wear? Give me meals all day long. What are they going to pick? Oh, no. Peanut butter jelly, mac and cheese. Oh, no. Pizza.

Oh, chicken nuggets. You know what rules? Chicken nuggets. I would pay an eight-year-old to pick my meals for me. If I could have an eight-year-old as my chef. Yes. Like my personal chef was eight years old. I'm eating great every day.

My kids know how to use an instant. Dude, you're eating so good. If an eight-year-old is the chef. You want to know one of the worst parts about being an adult? Oh, dinner. You can't eat like that anymore. You know what I mean? If there was a restaurant that eight-year-olds were legally allowed to make all my meals, I'd go to that restaurant.

It's called only the kids' meals. Only the kids menu. Yeah, kids menu. That's the menu. Kids menu. And you go there. And it's a good idea. And it's just great mac and cheese.

Great chicken tenders. Peanut butter and jelly. Great peanut butter and jelly. Pizza. Yeah. I mean, that's it, right? They don't eat anything beyond that. Well, desserts, of course.

We're going to have a whole dessert menu. Any type of sugar. Yeah. We'll have milkshakes. We'll have. Oh, yeah. Birthday cake. Uh-huh.

You know what I mean? Like, just on the menu. Cupcakes as well. For sure. No. But are there any other entrees that we would have? Pizza, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets.

Did you do butter noodles? We didn't have that. That can be on the kids menu. I say sugar. cereal as a meal as well. Sure. Yeah, for sure. Of course. What else do your kids go to? What's the go-to for your kids? Because we'll give them all this choice. And then they'll be like, eh, I'm going to have a bowl of

honey bunches of oats or something. You're saying for just cereals? I'm just saying, what do kids go to, or like a... Your children eat honey bunches of oats? Is that bad? No, it's not bad. It's boring. That is highly... No, that's highly questionable. Children are eating something that has oats in the name. It is very sugary, but it's one of those things that kids would assume. Hot dogs.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Now we're back on track. Honey bunches of oats? Corn dogs. You know, my little ones, when they were little, they were just like, tricks, we don't keep that, we don't buy that other stuff. Cinnamon toast, crunch, honey punches of oats.

And they were just like, they couldn't get enough raisin brand. See, you know? I knew where it was gone. This is like that I said it. Oh, they love grape nuts. They put it in the microwave. Because that's what we bought. Why? They can't have that other stuff.

Honey bunches of votes? My kids are great nut freaks. We can't keep it in stock. I guess I should feel blessed. Andy from the website, would you rather give up pineapple? You know what I'd have to pay my kids to eat honey bunch of the boats? What are you buying them? Tricks?

Yes. Lucky charms. They're for kids. Would you rather give up? Reese's puffs. Cinnamon toast crunch, like the real ones. Honey bunches of oats. You buy any of that cereal out?

No, we don't buy any cereal. Okay. Look, when you change the standard. What's the big log of wheat? Oh, I eat those shredded wheat. Shredded wheat. Yeah, I eat the big ones. Oh, man.

With raisins. Do they still make that? They do. I just bought them. I bought them for the first time in 20 years. You are so you. I mean, genuinely like it's a bit, but it's not a bit. No.

You are the old man here. Three biscuits and some raisins. Not a joke. It's a good time. You just bought it. shredded wheat. Yeah, they still make them, dude. They tried to put a little frosting on them to trick us, and they're still just...

No, no, no, I eat the regulars. Would you rather give up pineapple forever or eat a whole pineapple every other day? Oh, the second one. That's so easy. Pineapple's great. A whole pineapple is a lot, though. You'll have a lot of the, like, the mouth reaction to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Have weak mouths, and they get the wounds in the mouth. That's just being disingenuous. everyone who eats too much pineapple gets tongue shredded. I could eat a whole pineapple. I could eat a whole pineapple. Yeah, and then there's consequences. There's tiny little barbs scientifically zoom in on them.

There's tiny little barbs that scratch the crap out of your tongue. See, I can say that the acidic nature. No, it's not the acid reflux. Well, it gives me acid reflux. It does do that too. It's good for your stomach. My mouth has never had a problem eating pineapple. You've never.

eating enough pineapple then. Let's try to eat some pineapple then. Also, also, a can of dull pineapple in its whatever. It doesn't count at all. It's a mystery goop. No. We're talking a real pineapple. A full pineapple. I'm zooming in. That's a lot to eat, but I'll

You can't zoom in? I'm zooming in on these pineapples. It's not going to work, man. Do you have a, do you have a microscope? I'm looking online, man. I'm looking at pictures through microscope. They look like little razor blades. Yes. Because that's what it is delicious razor blades why do our mouths tingle after eating pineapple and then a zoom up

and it's a bunch of razor blades i think that's the point for mike thank you it's delicious razor blades oh it's the dude pineapple is the greatest fruit of all time it's would it change if it was uh one every day yeah man that's it no yeah i don't know no no dude i don't love pineapple i don't need it i would if it's every day honestly i'm both of them i'm just going to go without pineapple the problem with with pineapple too yeah why The best part of pineapple is just pineapple juice. No, it's... Oh, pineapple juice is awesome.

Everything about pineapple is great. The problem with pineapple is preparing the pineapple. And we have the little... You eat it with the shell on? I don't recommend doing it. What? The shell, yes, as they call it. What would you call that?

The husk, the core? No, it's not the core. It's a bit of a joke, Jay. I don't eat the spines. And they have tools now that make it much easier to... Like you crank the... Yeah, to harvest a fresh pineapple. Yeah, you just crank down on that pineapple.

And you're going to have a delicious treat in just a moment. You don't know those? But even still, with that, it's like, it's work. It's work. If I could have... If someone delivered me a fresh cut pineapple without the bull crap on the sides, I would eat a whole pineapple already. Without nature's bull crap on the outside.

Well, the protective layer of the fruit, because the fruit, I mean, you, we realize, do you know why the fruit has the, the, the, the sharp spiny stuff on the side? Because someone's trying to get at it. Yeah, because it's saying, protect me. Yeah. And we're like, no, no, no plants. Well, no, do you know how good that? So we can eat it. I will eat you.

That husk is, I saw that you're mine. You ever watch those videos where they take the, they take the like the metal ball that's heated to. where it's borderline magma, and then they put it on things. The hot copper ball. The hot copper ball and it just goes through everything. Oh, not a pineapple. It can't go through a pineapple seal. You go through anything, but you put it on a pineapple skin.

And the pineapple skin laughs at it. He goes, oh. Shields on. That's a little warm. That's awesome. Nature's got some cool armor. We should duplicate that. We should all dress up in pineapple husks.

Put our, like, army people. Are they bulletproof? They are. They have to be. There's no. I won't even Google it because I know how true that is. All right, we're going to take a break. We'll be back with some liar, liar, liar.

Lyer, liar, pants on fire. I have terrible news before we jump into this game, guys. Okay. Not bulletproof? Due to a very unscientific, unpeer, unpeer-reviewed study by my Twitter account. It appears that rabbits don't rule. Oh, yeah, I'm seeing that. You're being honest, though.

What's the poll right now? 61 to 38. Yeah. Oh, that's a, that's pretty big. People do not think rabbits rule. No, I think you set the bar high with rule versus just being kind of indifferent to them. If you said our rabbits are okay. See, you don't live.

I'm not there. Rabbits rule. I'm going to be honest with you. You don't live in a place with a lot of rabbits. Oh, I do. You have rabbits? He's got rabbits on the street. He doesn't live in a place where they matter.

I live like a two miles away from you, dude. The rabbits are not. Look, where I live. They're not in a two miles square. I live all the walls around the houses have to have the little, like, holes in the bottom to let the water go through. It's a rule. And so all rabbits come and go into every yard and they eat everything. As they should.

All right. Because they rule. We're playing liar, liar. We haven't played this in a while, I feel like, Al. It's been a minute. You just didn't want to lose? Yeah. These are tough to come up with sometimes.

We got three rounds. This game's so easy. Two truths and a lie. We got it. We're going to be. Eat Al, like we always have once. Round one. You guys ready? Sure. I'm locked in.

Here's your three potential truths. One is going to be a lie. We've got to identify the lie where Al Borland makes us look like a fool. Number one, Walmart has a lower acceptance rate than Harvard. Interesting. What? No. That doesn't seem, based on my own studies. Check this out.

If that's the truth, it's still a lie. Number two, the platypus is the only mammal that can regenerate lost limbs. I think that, well, a mammal. Yeah, I think that's true. Only mammal. Okay, not like a lizard tail. And then the third one, 80% of all ginger cats are male. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are we just saying red cats? Yeah, that reddish, that reddish orange cat. Ginger. You know what a ginger cat is. I thought that was a negative kind of. No. It's like a color. No, it's not a negative connotation. I mean, I think when you call people... I want to watch the South Park. When you call people, ginger's, it is become a derogatory term. It's that's okay. It means... But it's not a, it's not in and of itself a derogatory term. It's certainly not towards cats.

It's an adjective of a light reddish, yellow, or orange-round color. Can we call them gelical cats? No, we call them ginger cats. I got you, Mike. I was there. Walmart has a lower acceptance rate than Harvard. Does anyone know what? what that is? The platypus is the only mammal that can regenerate lost limbs and 80% of all ginger cats are male. What are we going with as the lie? These are tough. I mean, the Walmart one

is really upsetting because Mike is 100% right. Like if that's not the lie, then that's still the lie. Yes. Like you were lied to when you found this truth. Is Harvard been setting up a lot of these questions by letting more people in? No, but I mean, the way that this, the way that this

ends up being true as like some absurd number of total applications for Walmart. That's the lie. I mean, you win. You win. Because we discussed. If even if it's true, it doesn't matter. That's what I'm going. If it's true, it's still a win. That's what I'm going to go with.

I feel like this is one of those ones. It's supposed to look ridiculous. I can't go with the platypus. I think that's true. It can regenerate limbs? I mean, that's a wild claim for us all to just be like, yeah. That's the platypus for you. But I've decided that's true. The problem with the platypus is you start at the base level.

There's rules about, there's rules. Yeah. There's scientific rules about being a mammal. And you're like, does this animal have this? Check. It's a mammal. Number two, check, it's a mammal. Number three, it can do that.

It's not a mammal. And the platypus is like, yeah, I lay eggs. I lay eggs. You're like, you're not a mammal. They're like, yeah, but it is. If you told me, What is that all? I got a beak.

What is, if you told me the platypus is the only mammal that's not a mammal, I'd be like, that's probably true. Okay, I'm starting to rethink my, my platypus. Look, pick it.

We got to move on. What did Mike pick? I haven't. We'll go clockwise here. We can't get it wrong if we never finalize our answer. These are all lies. Oh, man. Oh, man.

What did you go with Andy? He went with the Walmart. Because that's the lie. I'm going to go Walmart. Are you? Gosh, darn it. You go Walmart, Jason? I have to pick something else.

Mike. You're telling me 80% of all the red cats are male. Oh, man. It's a good start, Jeremy. This is a really good stuff. You guys need conviction. Make a pick. I don't have any.

I have no conviction. Okay. Walmart has a lower acceptance rate than a heart. I'm releasing a spot. fighter in five seconds. The platypus is the only mammal that can regenerate lost limbs. 80% of all ginger cats are male.

I'm taking that one. I'm switching to platypus. Okay. So we got one of each. One of each. This is not good. Who's the one person still alive? It's me. Jason. Yeah. I knew it the last second. And here's how I knew it. You have full 180. You were so convicted. I was so

convicted. And I was, you can watch the tape. I'm sitting there hand on my head, eyes closed with one picture in my mind. And it was Jeremy happy as I've ever seen you over there. You were having a great time. And I realized it was because I said so confidently that it's not platypus and you had no care in the world. Well, your face gave you away. Wow.

I had no idea. Oh, man. I'll be watching you like a hawk from here on out. Round two guys. Jason's alive. No. And yet, Walmart accepts about 2.6 of all applicants where Harvard is closer to 4 or 5%. Yeah. Well, we, like we said, that's a lot. No, I've been there. I've been there. We've all been to Walmart. They're not taking the top 2% of their applicants. No, they're taking 2%. It's just a random 2%. You're telling me to 2%. 2.6%. So almost 98% of 1% of 1%. Walmart applicants are denied a job. That's what the studies say. Also, how many... I've got multiple sources citing this.

How many people... Here's the great question. How many people have ever worked at Walmart? How many people have ever worked at Walmart? A very large percentage. Hundreds of thousands of people. So then divide that by like the 2% that... They are going to...

So everybody who's ever walked to Earth has applied at Walmart. What's incredible? Zero percent of Walmart employees have been accepted to Harvard. That is also true. Facts. All right, round two. Apologies to all the Walmart employees out there. This is sensational. Round two. Andy is alive. Jason is alive.

Okay. I lost. Round two. Here we go. The sensation of bugs or insects crawling on or under your skin is called... Careful. Careful. Formication. Formication.

Those bugs are formicators. Number two. A person who holds a general hatred of humankind, human behavior, or human is known as a misanthrope, misanthrope. Yeah, that sounds like me. An individual who constantly exhibits behaviors, preferences, and decision-making patterns of characteristics

of someone significantly older than their biological age is known as a progerican. Yeah, that's Andy. You guys tried shredder wheat before? Try what? Slaps. There's your three. Literally, that's the first time anyone has ever said.

said that in the history of this world. I feel good about that. So here's the examples, by the way. We are all one of these. So the bugs are insects one. The example would be when Jason wakes up from a nightmare being covered by thousands of spiders, he spins the rest of the day formicating. Awesome.

No, no, no, no, wait. That's what the example says. The sensation of bugs or insects crawling on or under your skin is called formication. Number two. The example is like, When Mike wakes up from a nightmare. That sounds right. When Mike wakes up from a nightmare of spending multiple minutes in a social situation,

he is relieved to wake up to the realization that he is still a missin throat. That sounds like. It sounds like the right word, right? And then I guess for me, for me, the last one is Andy woke up from a nap in his porch rocker at 3 p.m. Just in time to head inside for dinner with his fellow progericans. I'm going to say that the lie is the formicator. it's definitely not missing throat right i don't know look at jeremy's face show me reveal yourself i can just see a screen all right make the call boys uh so i'm i'm

i'm at a 50 50 Andy what'd you go with and you're still alive i think that the uh formication is the one i think is a lie okay so formication no breathing that's the lie okay you're both going. Formication. Yeah, we are. We are. So if you split, Jason, we have two people alive going into round three.

Pro Jericho. He's just so not entertaining or funny. I feel like that's trying to slide through. Well, it's pre, Jerich. It's not pro. It's pre. Whatever, man. I mean, it matters.

Sure. You ever played Big Dad? You ever played Scrabble? Got to make a call. You guys are bad at making calls. What are you saw? I'm on my lot. Locked in. Who are you talking to?

Jason. Some of us are still in this game, Andy, and we care. I'm going to go with... Get it right, Jason. I'm going to go with Per Jericho. Okay. Thank goodness. I don't think you got it. Go ahead. He nailed it. He did nail it. Yeah, man. Yeah, I did. I was a play on pre-geriatrics. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

So you're telling me the bugs are formicators? No, I'm formicating. Correct. When I feel the bugs on me. sensation. When you got a great sensation from formicating, it's wild. Next question. The microwave oven was invented after an engineer for Raytheon noticed a candy bar in his pocket melted while he was working on magnetron radar equipment. Wow.

Okay. No. Nerd. Accident creating inventions. That's happened. Number two. Post-it notes were invented after a scientist attempted to create a super strong glue and instead accidentally made a weak adhesive, which you consider it a failure. However, another employee realized it was the perfect solution for the bookmarks that kept falling out of his church choir hymnal.

Seems plausible. Number three, the paper shredder was invented by a police officer after witnessing a suspect shove incriminating documents into an oscillating industrial fan moments before being arrested. Please tell me that's true. That's the lie. Locking it in. No, please tell me that's true. I've got them all wrong. I have to believe that a cop saw a criminal doing criminal stuff when he's a lie.

like you know what I can do with this make money I can monetize that I can monetize this okay so put the post it notes is there Papa Josh you would be the only one who can help me on this one I believe there's at least an old wives tale about are you familiar with the band the monkeys yes I know the monkeys I believe there's an old wife's tale that one of the monkeys is related is a is a child of the creator of the Post-it note. Oh, no, maybe that's urinal cakes. I knew it.

I knew it was. Wait. I get it. Wait, how was that connected in your brain? Because it's a ridiculous I always confuse post-it notes and urinal cakes. You know those things you pee on or those things you write on?

They're basically the same thing. Here's where my brain was. It's like, imagine you are a well-to-do child. Oh, no. That's urinal cakes. It was such an honest moment too. Your father created something ridiculous. Because a Post-it note is ridiculous.

It's ridiculous. Very functional, ridiculous. Urinal cake. Ridiculous, very functional. Okay. But yeah, I can see how that would might be a funny gap. I am going to go with the one

that seems the least likely. Get it right, Jay. The least likely one to be alive. Has anyone ever won this game but me? I think so. I don't recall. I think there's been two wins total. Yeah, I think I've won twice.

Okay, and then no. I'm going to go with the one that seems to least get it right. Jason, get it right notes. Are you sure it's not a journal case? I think that one's definitely true, Jay. I think the posted notes is so true. All right, I'll take the urinal case. Andy also thought the other ones were true.

Yeah, I know. Except Walmart. You need to make a decision. I did. Which one is yours? Still the posted notes. Okay. All right.

Did you make a decision? What was yours, Andy? No, I haven't said nothing. Why was the paper shredder one? Oh, okay. There's no way the paper shredder one is true. Wait. I retract my answer.

Oh. Jeremy was so excited to have this be over. He wanted to know what Andy's pick boys. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I know it's not the posted notes. Okay. Oh, I see you, Jeremy.

You're doing 50-50. Oh, I see you. Told you. All right. Lock in a new one. Yeah, now he's nervous. I can hear it. He's terrified.

He's terrified, Jason. I'm going paper shredder. I'm going microwave. We all locked in? Yep. Oh, no. No. No.

No. We're not. I see right through you, Jeremy. I'm going microwave. Final answer. I'm locked in. I got it right. one of those times. You did. It was the paper shredder.

Jason! So close. Paper shredder was ridiculous. Oh my gosh. Ridiculous. I was so close. I knew it wasn't posting notes. I've heard that story before. That was for real. I think I got zero points. Yeah, well, shoot. All right. Well, I'll wins this round again. Dang. That was close. I felt pretty good. He tried to answer all three to get all the reads again. We'll take a break and we'll draft.

Dad coming, man. Here's the thing. Once I said, wait a minute, he overreacted and put his hands on his helmet. You basically told me that you were gaming that. Oh, I'm so mad at myself. Because you're a loser. Because you let him know about his tell. You don't let him know at the end.

I just watched Casino Royale again. The bond with the- Yeah, but Daniel Craig version. Right. One of his slips is he told his crew about what. what the poker players tell was. And it got them in big trouble. Thank you for that story.

If you find out a tell, you keep that to yourself. You keep that to yourself until the very end. All right. Makes sense. The spitballers draft. Well, we are going to do our very best to draft the best parts of being an adult. That's right, kids.

You too can be excited about growing up and becoming an adult because of all these things. If you're excited to grow up and being an adult, you should just turn the podcast off. Jason has the number one pick. What is the very best thing about being an adult, Jason? Naps. Oh, my. I'm just going. You can nap as a kid?

Yeah, but you don't like them. No. No, that's a bad part of it. No kid. I have 12. I didn't have naps on my life. That's perfect. Naps is elite.

I mean, best part. Dude, a nap? I took a nap yesterday. Oh, man. Ask me how it was. Jason, how was your nap? It was awesome. It was so good.

I mean, naps are a huge part of a childhood. No. Yes. Yes, they're the worst part of your childhood. The kids don't nap. They just... This is a terrible pick. I'm sorry.

I don't like this pick. What are you talking? When's the last time you took a nap, brother? The best part about being an adult is no bedtimes. That's the best part about it. It's the inverse. It's being able to do whatever you want with your bedtime. I have no bedtime on my list.

It's not sleeping more. It's no bed time. bedtime. Number one answer. I'm on. Survey says, number one answer. I'm on team naps. Oh, I'm not saying naps not great. I'm just saying you could take a nap. That's not something your parents are like, don't do it until you're an adult. You want to know the worst part of being an adult? We're on the best part. No, do you want to know the worst part? Yeah, sure. I got to take it. We're in the middle of a turn-based segment.

He's taking the ears off and I'm like, what in the world is? Oh, I can't wait to see her. how you edit that in. Oh, I'm not stopping. We're rolling. I know, but we can't leave all this in. Is all this in the show? Well, to him taking a dump? I mean, what if people are listening right now? Are we live? Are we streaming?

Speaking of listening, Matt says he can hear the dump. I can hear everything. Is it bad? I like how I took the trophy It was a medium. It was a media. Wait, he took the bathroom He wasn't even in the trunker. With him. Yeah, he picked it up and walked into

The John. No, so it's now got his particles. Oh, yeah. From the sounds of it, it's a lot of particles. Mike, you got two picks. Let's go. Is this live? Yeah, we're keeping this. All right, Mike, you can't keep all of this. There's no way this is entertaining. Are you kidding? Do you know our audience?

I know how you're going to edit it and it's going to be great. But it can't be the whole thing. Two hours later. All right, Mike, you get two picks. No bedtimes for me. Hey, we're back. We're back. the way. Jason went with naps. I went with no bedtime.

Jason went with naps and craps. Naps and craps. Mike, two picks. Best part of being an adult is? I eat what I want when I want to eat it. I had that one as a slash pizza whenever I want. I'm eating candy whenever I want. Yeah, eating what you

want, when you want. As with all things in life, it turns out there are consequences. Yeah, the parents knew what was up. which a consequence, just as a reminder, doesn't mean negative. Consequences just result. Like you can have positive consequences of an action,

but eat what I want when I want. It's a good one. That's always negative. That is, it's, it's always negative. And number two, I'm going to go with complaining about young people. You know what?

I'm going to go complaining about the youngs, the youths. I think that is, the youths have no idea what they're doing. We did it earlier when we told the kids how good they had it. Yeah, we did. I will eliminate from my list, but it was like a subcategory that says being able to say in my day, which is kind of complaining. So that's a great pick.

Got them. I think I will go with, it's a tough one. I'm trying to figure out where Jason is going to go. Probably to the best. I'm going to go with privacy. Just privacy. Okay. Your life is not your own when you're a kid.

Right. You have no privacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So just privacy. Yeah. Yeah. Do my parents have any idea what I do on a day-to-day basis? No.

That's how I like it. They learn everything from this podcast. That's right, which they listen to regularly. My father does. Okay. Hi, dad. There you go. Jason, two picks here.

You already took naps and craps. That's the most I've talked to my dad in three months, by the way. Just now, just now. You already took naps. All right. You already took a crap. Yeah. I'm going to say similar to the, you know, eating whatever you want when you want. Okay. It better not be too similar. It's very similar, but it's more buying whatever I want.

Like, you know, you don't have to get permission to buy a thing. I thought about the like, and like you just you have, you have some spending money. Yeah, and you can, you can make bad decisions. Oh, yes. You know what I mean? No one's there to protect you. Yeah. You can be like, I'm going to. I'm going to. buy that video game system. So I had a mindset buying dumb stuff without judgment. Dude. Yeah. That's what it was. So much of my job as father is I am just here for regulations. I am protecting my children. Yeah, from what they don't know. From buying stupid crap. Yeah, which they want to do on a regular basis. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of, um, that's the same thing as like when

kids want to eat like the whole cake. And you're like, no, one, right. One, one, as a parent, you're just, job is just let them not explode themselves. And then I'm like, don't do that. And then they go to bed and I'm like, how much stupid crap can I buy? Yeah. Yeah, no, that's a good pick. Buying whatever you want to buy. All right. Jason, you got another one. I got another one. Now, not all adults can do this. Touch your toes. No adults. High your shoes. But this is definitely one of my favorite parts of being an adult. Put on your own socks. Which was, one of my least favorite parts of being a kid

making your kids do the work you don't want to do. Oh yeah, yeah. I have I have shoot. I'll, I'll I'll delegate it. Oh my gosh. It's like, oh, we've got to pick that room. I got to teach you about life. You should do the dishes.

Yeah. Oh, man. This is an important lesson. How dare you know? I've got to do important things. Just don't go to my room. I've got to take a nap. I'm an adult business, business, business. I like it. That's funny. Um, no bed time privacy. My third one, I'm going to say picking my own friends. Okay. Because when you, when you're growing up, sometimes you just get, you just get stuck with it. Who was on your street? Who was in your

class? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the kids from church. You have to hang out with the parents that the parents bring a family over and then you're there to be friends with their kids. I'm the cousins that have to come over. I can't. So pick your own friends. You, I believe every friend group, we all had at least one kid where you're like, ugh, mm-hmm, uh-huh, mm-hmm. And you're like, they're just there. Yeah. They're just in the group because of proximity, whatever.

You really hope they don't show up. We all had, I mean, we all had at least one of those guys in the group, right? And looking back, I feel pretty bad for that kid. Well, because they suck. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? they probably still do. They probably,

they were probably really happy to become an adult because their childhood is probably not that good. That's true. Mike, you got your final two picks. So far, you're eating what you want and you're complaining about the youths. All right. That makes sense.

All right. So I have one reasonable and one unreasonable, I think. Nice. So reasonable. I'm going with old man strength. Oh, I love that. Old man strength.

That is a, that is a, Real true. Because awesome thing. My middle boy is an athlete who has been training nonstop, getting way stronger. He is. There was a race that I think we already talked about on the show, but a well-documented race in Ballers' lore. My son over the summer beat me in a race.

And it was like. I witnessed it. And Andy was there. And it was like, this is done. I will never, ever, ever be faster than. him again. But you're stronger. But you know what I am. Yeah, it's going to take him a long time. Yeah. You, do you think that, oh,

just. You've got years. Mobs, girthy, belly. You know what I am? I'm stronger than you. And I will be for a long time. Oh, man's strength. Okay. So that one works. And then the other one. This might just be me, guys. I got a drawer full of old cables. Really? That's the best part of being an adult? This is what we were talking about.

There's not that many great parts. Out of left fields. Guys. I did not have that on my own. I love having a drawer of cables. Do you have anything that needs a cable? Yes. I promise you.

You can date it to 92. I got a cable for you. You don't dispose of my guy. I got a drawer. I got a giant drawer full of all sorts of cables. Wow. You need VGA? You need RCA?

this is the you look you need cp you you whatever cords you need whatever cord you need your boys got it that that's a weird answer man yeah that's a weird answer yeah look uh because i have the confidence that no matter what cord needs come up it's done i i so it's the new incredible this will modern version of the of the closet full of different shapes of wood um i just i that wasn't on my list no me neither um because i had blaming age for your problems on my list. Sure. Blaming age.

Yeah. I've gotten to the point now. I do have it. I said, quote, it's the only reason I can't do that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I could totally do that. Yeah, yeah.

But I'm old now. So I definitely, I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. I forgot about that. My old brain. You know me. I'm so dumb these days. Getting older.

The problem with that. I'd love to go on that hike, but you know, I got that crotchety old knee. I feel like that's one of the worst parts of being an adult. It's both. I get that you get out of stuff. Yeah, I mean, you can't get out of stuff. But the other side is you have to get out of a bunch of stuff because of your age. Yeah.

Well, there you go. Don't hold on them. It's better than a cable drawer. Way better. Papa Josh. My favorite thing of being adults, I dreamed when I was growing up with that cable drawer, man. No, it's a really big drawer. I feel like that's an answer to a draft of things adults have.

Right. Yeah. But it's his favorite. Josh. We all have a cable drawer, mine. I've got a cable drawer. But when you find that cable, oh,

no, you guys don't. No, tell me, tell me how you don't have the cable door. You better have a cereal port cable in that drawer. Brother, you think I don't? You better.

You think I don't. I think I don't. I think you don't have a serial cable. You think I don't? I want a picture of it tonight. Watch this. I take my drawer around with me. All right.

I sit in my drawers. All right. One left. Naps, buying whatever you want, making your kids do the things you don't want to do. And my favorite part of being an adult. and this is a shout out.

Taking a crap whenever I want. To my man, Joe Flacco. Oh. Going and sitting at the bar. Oh, dude. It's on my list. Be yourself. Being alone.

Dude. Yes. Solo trip to the bar. Favorite part of being an adult. I mean, you can't do it as a kid. And that is, I think it's like, what would your dream evening look like? Silence. Silence.

Being alone. Being alone is wonderful. Oh, my gosh. Honorable mentions here. I had financial independence. You kind of said that one. Not all adults. I said adjusting and choosing the thermostat.

The what? Choosing the thermostat. Yeah. I get to choose what the thermostat's out. That's right. Leaving stuff anywhere I want. Okay. And skipping things because I'm quote, unquote, busy.

Yeah, the wife doesn't care for leaving things. wherever I want. No, no. I did, I had a fresh bottle of ibuprofen. Oh, that's, that's an adult's favorite thing. No, that's a, that's a, bro. Way better pick than cable. Is it better? Is it like a bag of chips? Are they better when they're fresh? And you, dude, when you pop the, you got the safety seal on the eye profen. Oh, and the stuff in there is real good? And you get to rip it off, and you're like, these are the freshest. These, these, what is with this cable to rent ibupin guy? I don't know. You are. I'm living, guys. You guys. You guys are pretending. Yours are best things about being elderly. I'm living.

Oh my gosh. You have any other honorable mentions, Jason? I didn't have another thing on my list, bro. Oh, I had to do you... Oh, well, you can share it. I mean, it could be what you learned today. Truly, truly, respecting the weekend. Okay.

Like, yeah, because every day's a weekend. Kids, every day in your life's a weekend, so you know. Yeah, because they're like, oh, I got school. They don't have to come home. Yeah, like, no, you play with my friends. Two days, two days off in a row, in a row. Yeah. Sequentially, two days that I don't have to go to work.

Oh, my goodness. I learned today that Mike likes his cable drawer. I learned today maybe I'm doing too much creatine. Oh, with the old bathroom break. With the old bathroom break there, Jay? I don't know. I'm searching what might have been the issue. I don't know what I learned.

I learned the show must go on. We'll catch you on the next episode of the Spitballers. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.