Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Jason's Taters & TV/Movie Titles To Describe Putting The Kids To Bed - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

We’re back with a brand new episode! From secret rooms, to oreo fights, we’ve got the laughter you need to make your day better. Would You Rather, Decisions of Extreme Importance and a Songs/Titles To Describe Putting Your Kids to Bed draft are sure to bring the laughs. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Alpha beta, Delta, gamma, when I scout, I drop the hammer, boom! Oh, man. Oh, he pulled it off. Practice much! He was as ready as anybody's ever been. I mean, I do.

Oh, the dude. It was the right. It was the right cadence and pace. I mean, it didn't have enough enthusiasm. Here's the thing. Josh, you're a video gamer. We have a word for people that overprepare and treat public lobbies. You know what? You know the, what is the phrase? What is the phrase? I mean, I'm a sweat, maybe.

No, no, that's not it. We call it a try hard. Oh. He doesn't like that. Oh, man. He tried. Thou st. try.

Too hard. A little too hard. It was not to say you didn't do a good job. You did a very good job. Did you read that? No. No, he's memorized that for weeks. I mean, I practice that a hundred times, man.

Oh, I need one of those drinks. A bubbler? The bubbler. We can get you one of those. We can get me one of those. Whoa, whoa, we're not a sponsor, Andy. The mysterious, bleep that out. The mysterious caffeinated beverage.

Please, please blur out this can. Listen, I'm, I'm just happy we're here. it's been a while since we've had a brand new show, not because we don't want to have a brand new show, but we've been going through very, you can just hand me the can, man. We've been going through various crises. My brother, my life is just 24-7 crises these days.

My son, my son had medical issues. He is well and happy and good and fine, and it took three weeks, a couple surgeries, but he's good. Mike, his furry friend, his furry son, Rufus,

went through his own. Yeah, no, he's still, he's still costing me money. He keeps eating clothing, right? Yeah. Have they thought about, like, maybe miniature clothing in cans for dogs to eat that does pass easily? Ooh, like candy. Like mini panties? They have, like, edible.

Yeah. We call those dog treats. You get them as the back of Spencer's gifts. In a can. In a can. Yeah, no, they're in a can for sure. In a can. I heard a lot of Al Borland back there.

You just got me off guard. That's awesome. So we're just happy to be here with a brand new show. Jason, what a scat by you. Thank you. Thank you. I can't wait. I can't believe you got out of it again.

You didn't even have to pay anybody. I don't really understand. I will get out of it again before the next one. I hope. We'll see. Hey, group, we got to stay strong. We got to have a minimum here. First time's free for Jason.

Then he's got to pay. Okay. I can get Josh to do it again pretty cheap. Josh Josh have some I got three more ready to go we're gonna have a threshold of payment We're all gonna be on them oh Bobadoo do but do but we're all gonna stay strong If you get it Josh that's fine but we're gonna stay strong at a threshold Yeah as a team 500 dollars you don't have to listen

I'll do it for half Jay Yeah you'll do it for less than half don't worry You broke so fast you'll do it for a fifth Oh, you're trading picks and fantasy football. A fifth of that. Josh, the union, we would beat the crap out of you. Scab. You scab.

Ridiculous. This is a brand new show. You can tell because it's so funny. Would you rather? Would you rather all the hallways in your home and office be replaced by monkey bars that you must use or crawl or, okay, that you must use? Okay, no, hold on. What, what? What? What? All the hallways.

in your home or office and office. They are now monkey bars. So you want to go down the hallway. You got to, which by the way, I don't know if you guys have done monkey bars. They're very hard when you're a grown up. Anytime soon. They're very hard as a grown up. But one of the most humbling events

of anyone who has become an adult is you look at the monkey bars and you're like, oh, I remember, I remember dominating. So easy. You're like, I'm going to go swing. And you crash down. weight beneath the arms. I feel like it's the hands that are the problem.

It's a lot of things that are the problem. There's a lot of balance issues. There's the grip strength. There's the upper back strength. I know you guys. You guys work out. I just, I worked out once this week and I'm like, I've got to do it.

I got to get the workout gloves. Because just the bars. I use those all the time. Do you? I use them. I mean, I have calluses. I still have to use them. Depending on the.

But they're fingerless. Oh, for sure. You got to look cool. Because you got to look like a legend. That's right. But I can't, I can't live without them. I, like, I've been, I live with them. I've been, I've been, I've been getting after it, I would say, for about two and a half, three-ish months.

You put a pair of monkey bars in front of me. You're dead, man. No, there's just, there's no way. The other option is a crawl space that you have to army crawl through. Army crawl, not like hands and knees, but Army crawls down. Your elbows. Like a snake. You can at least do it.

Army crawl is elbows. Like, you're getting, you can get through it, though. What happens if you fall off the monkey bars? Where do you land? You start over. I think you start over. Mud. Mud?

Yeah. In the house? Yeah. The problem. The crawl space, though, is very confined. I don't like that. The problem with the monkey bars, I'm going to tell you right now, even if you get a little bit used to them, if you don't catch the forward momentum on the monkey bar. And you got to come back the other way.

Oh, no. And wait for the forward roll. You just swing. No, no, you don't. Jason? I think monkey bars are very easy. Jason, if I'll give you, if you can make it through a significant, like I'm not talking like some kiddie monkey bars, it's like one swing for you.

If you can do like five or six swings on a monkey bar clean without falling or looking the fool, I'll be impressed. No problem. I was going to offer a scab, but I don't want to do that. Dude, it turns out monkeys, very strong. They are incredibly pound for pound Super strong Yeah you give me some bars

I will say this I will say this Don't give me monkey bars Human bars I'm no problem Your feet are on the ground for those If it has been Buckey bars are impossible dude It has been at least 20 years since I've done monkey Oh that is such

There you go But I I genuinely I know I know you can land an airline You still have it You still have the fire I know I know I can do it

I know you know more likely to land a plane Easy peasy I'm taking the monkey bars. I'm not going to armie crawl. Let's film your dominance. I mean, I'm going to go faster than walking when I'm a monkey bar. No problem. Monkey bars, you'll crush them.

Yeah, you got that. I can't imagine monkey bars are that hard. You just hang. Yeah, it's so easy. Yeah, you weigh the same as a couple. I feel like we, 20 years ago. We need to get monkey bars around here and test us out. They don't make them for grownups.

I'll tell you that. It's, I know I'm going to get where I need. to go on the on the crawl space is there any bugs in there it doesn't matter you could put no bugs no bugs i'll do the monkey bars as long as i'll do monkey bars because i'm just i'm gonna i'm gonna really i got the arms to skip a lot of bars you ever you've done the monkey bars as a kid and somebody's got the long arm i skip them i can skip through it for you're just saying oh it's so hard now you're skipping bars but if i say you if if you fall if you have to start over you will never make it through that hallway how long is the hallway how many how many skips do i need four

I'm going to say, yeah, you need at least four full swings. I've been known to be able to hang from a bar for a long time. I do not believe Mike is this, is correct that it's that difficult. I'm so curious now. I'm genuinely curious because usually on these things, Mike is right. Mike is correct on these things, but I just, I'm thinking through it, the experience of what you have to do, the added weight. Yeah. I just don't think it's going to be.

Yeah, how many pull-ups? Zero. Okay. Yeah. No monkey bars are super easy. I don't need to do a pull-up to hang. Yeah, no, totally. It's not the same muscle group at all.

Well, yeah, I can do pull-ups. I'll be fine. Can you? Yeah, of course. With one hand? While adding... Wait, a one-handed pull-up? Do you understand how physics work?

Yes, but I get to hang. That's what I'm saying. You hang. I don't think Mike knows what monkey bars are. They're not pull-up bars. I don't got to do a muscle up. One of us is super... wrong. One of us is

incredible. We're not a little wrong. Again, it's relative to the... I have to crawl through a crawl space. I don't want to do that every day down the hallway. Yeah. I feel like I will get better. You can't get better at a crawl space. You can get better at monkey bars. You can get better at a crawl space. You can improve your speed.

So you're saying I start from the beginning covered in mud? But here's the thing is, with a crawl space, I will actually be able to access the other part of my home. Should it be monkey bars everywhere? Maybe, maybe once or twice a day I can get through it. Imagine a hotel, that hallway? You ain't getting to your room, brother. I, why don't we have longer? I feel like houses are being built without significant hallways.

I feel like they used to have long hallways. That's because people want things more open now. They don't want closed off. Do they really want that, though? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's pretend. No, I want it.

We do. I do. Yeah, me too. Someone sold a bill of goods that we all want to be in the same space together. We don't. We want to be separate. If I'm reading, I don't need to be in the big. Those are separate.

Bedrooms are different than your open. concept. My living room. Can I be separate from the people cooking in the kitchen or playing the TV? You can. Yeah, if you want to live in a closed-in... I think I read about this. I think somebody started this trend of open floor plan and nobody actually

likes it, but they all think they're supposed to. Genuine. I think I was reading something. Go ahead. Hey, you know what? You know what is, I think, inexpensive? I want secret rooms, all of them. Well, now that's a different. That's totally different. Like, I want to pull the book on the bookshelf and open up a room.

You have a modern open concept. I know. Home. Putting up walls, that would be super cheap. Go ahead. I can't convince my wife. Because it's a bad idea. Nobody actually wants that. All right. You just need bedrooms.

Final verdict. Crawl space. Crawl space because I need to be able to get through my house. Jason, I think you're going monkey bars. I'm definitely going monkey bars. They're going to be so easy. I can get anywhere I want. I'm going to get there fast. I will wear the gloves. I will wear gloves around my house and office, but I'll be totally fine. The gloves. That's the problem. Would you rather have every argument enforce a 10-minute timeout after five minutes of arguing

or the ability to take back anything you said in the last 30 seconds up to three times per day? This is a little too personal. Have every argument enforce a 10-minute timeout after five minutes of arguing. Okay, so you argue for five minutes and then you have to have a forced timeout. is so good. Okay, well... That's so good for every human on this planet. But what constitutes a...

Thanks for the energy drink, Matt. Did you just hand me that? Here you go, Jason. Thank you. Well, that's a different one. Now we've got to blur out two energy drinks. We need energy drinks to start sponsoring the show. Energy drinks.

Just... Is that the company? What constitutes the difference between a... A discussion with difference of opinion in an argument? You should know that. I mean... No, but I'm asking the question. The difference is...

I'm the one who knows that monkey bars are hard, so... Does the vocal level rise? Oftentimes it includes raised... Does there any sarcasm included? So are you saying that if I just speak to you with a calm voice, we can't possibly argue while I'm talking like this? So then it becomes your intent. Is your intent to find out?

That's a discussion. Okay. Is your intent to win? To win, that's an argument. I find that I was really impressed earlier because we were talking about some new segments for spitballer. Mike shared his opinion. Al Borland listened to the opinion. And you guys had a discussion.

It was not an argument. You had a discussion about second. We're homeboys. But if me and Jeremy had the same discussion, it would have been an argument. And I think that's a me problem. But it would have been. Number one. I would have tried to convey the same thing that you did.

I don't like arguing. But the way I would have conveyed it would have seemed adversarial. So that's the word for argument. Adversary. Yeah, you ever seen the movie Inception? You work on that? That's smart. I mean, Mike has always been able to handle conflict.

Oh, nice. Slightly better, but also maybe you don't get as much as you want. Yeah, conflict is the worst. Really? Oh, I hate it. Jason doesn't like it either. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. This is why we all have our roles. I hate it. The problem, because as a member of the anxiety crew, as soon as conflict, club anxiety. Yeah, no, there's. I mean, there's many in the club. Imagine if that was an actual club.

That place would be in trouble. No one would want membership. Turn the music down. But it's like when you have that, it turns out when conflict arises, your body doesn't realize, hey, I'm just having a discussion with possibly a friend. And your body's like, fight a flight. Yes. Fight or flight. And then adrenaline just dumps throughout your whole body and you're like, I don't know what to do.

Because I'm just trying to be like, you know what? I think that mic and Ix are good. The 10-minute timeout is the best thing could ever be handed to any family ever with any arguments. If you argue for five minutes, that's enough. Nobody wins at that point in time. At 10-minute timeout, normally people come back with clear heads.

You talked about fight or flight. You flipped the amygdala on instead of the prefrontal cortex. You are now in a place where you don't learn. You don't learn when you're on the fight-or-flight area. No, you do not. So arguments from five minutes on, add nothing.

They add nothing. You think they add a lot. You're like, I got to get my piece out there. But nobody's listening at that point. However, I think that there's a lot of therapy that could be done here with the other option. Which is everything that you said in the last 30 seconds could be taken back three times a day.

I would use this offensively. Oh, you would say the main thing. Oh, my gosh. Because you'd get it out of your system. I would unload. You'd pull out the timer. Your phone in it just go click. Yeah.

Just railed. You dirty, right. The things that would come out, but the problem is you could get in big, big trubs here. Is this like the Min and black scanner? If this was like the fourth time of the day and you miscounted, you didn't realize the 24-hour timer, you just said it all. Undo. Undo. Oh, I didn't mean it. I thought I could just take it all back from your brain. I assume it works like the Min and Black scanner, right?

Oh, for sure. You say it, you get their reaction and you undo it. Correct. That seems like a lot of fun, but I think. The better one, the better one is the first. It would train you never to argue for five minutes is what it would do. You wouldn't want the time out. You'd know that that's on the way. If we all operated as though we would be slapped in the face, if we argue for more than five minutes, that would be better for us. It would be better for us.

I don't know that it's that common a thing, though. I don't. I'm trying to think in the last, like, six months, how many five-minute arguments I've had. Our arguments sometimes don't end with the kids. It's you make your point for five minutes. I make mine for five minutes and it goes on until one of us falls asleep. It's five minutes of arguing. So if you get two people who like to argue, because those people, like, there's people

that like, they thrive on the conflict, they want it, they seek it out. If you're telling me you get two people and you know there's five minutes maximum, it will be two people screaming top of lungs over each other for the five minute, timer. Like if you know that you only have five minutes in between the two of you, you're not going to give an inch. You will just speak louder.

I'm going to take the 30 second rewind. Oh yeah. For sure. Oh my gosh. Now they come out loud. Now they go out of the proof. Does that work even when you get pulled over by a cop? Sure it does if it's one of my three. Of course. No, it works. When I'm like, double down.

And then they're like, and then I go. Oh, I need that back. I'll take the 10 minute timeout. I'll take it 30 seconds. Would you rather any food you drop instantly become perfectly clean again or any leftovers you save taste even better the next day? Oh, they taste better? How many foods are we dropping here, people?

Yeah, I don't know that that's a big problem. I don't remember the last time I dropped something. I was genuinely upset. Oh, no. I can't eat that anymore. What is your? Okay, so I say, I drop something, blank second rule, what is the time? Five, it's a five second rule.

Is it five? Yeah. It's depending on how good the thing is. Is it? And texture. I got a deucers. Ice cream? What is it?

It's five. It's a five second rule? You're telling me a six second drop of some Ike and Ikes. You're going to let them lay there? I don't count, but I'm just saying in your head, you go five second rule. That's what it's called, right? If I find a micanike from yesterday, I'm eating it. Well, because you do you spot it five seconds ago?

Nice. Yes. It only rendered five seconds ago. Correct. Tree in the forest thing? No, that's 100% right. He's right. But also it depends on what you're dropping, right?

Like, there's no five second rule with mashed potatoes. You know, I'm not wiping it up off the ground and being like, it's only been three seconds. The weather it is. Yeah. Right. But that means that the bottom layer is absorbing it all. So you could technically, you could down there with a spoon. And you could scoop down to a thin layer.

I would do that. but listen i'm not dropping i am i'm with jason i would do i'm not dropping food to the so often that i'm going oh my gosh i really wanted to eat this and i can't now like i can't remember the last time i dropped food and went like oh shucks i i i think everything that i have dropped to the ground is a piece of many things if it's like not a whole wedding cake and a couple of pieces of corn fall to the ground or you know it's like i'm not dropping my meal i don't remember the last time i've just oopsed my entree out to the floor. I would love it if that happened tonight, though.

But yeah, I got to take the leftovers tasting better. There are some, like, name one food. Do you think the leftovers taste better than X? There's a draft that you can go back and listen to him. The Spatballers aren't bad. Do we have this? It's pasta. Of course.

I think pasta tastes amazing. Yeah. Spaghetti is the most elite. What's yours, Jay? Pico de gallo and chili. Because they got to marinate. Yeah, those two foods are genuinely. Pico de gallo?

Yeah. Like if you're, we home make pico de gallo all the time. So whenever it's like taco night, we'll make a pico. And it is always better than next day. When it's pico night, they make tacos. That's really what it feels like, because tacos are easy to make a pico takes forever. That's interesting because I wouldn't even think of, like, I wouldn't think of salsa as a food. I get it.

No, I know it's a food. I eat it, I consume it. But it's like, I'm not like, oh, I'm going to go grab a bowl of pico. I think they make a pretty good pico. We do make a pretty mean pico Is there tomatoes in that? Of course, and you'd be fine I'm out

You'd be fine My wife hates tomatoes My wife hates tomatoes She loves our pico Of all tomato-based foods Where it's like it's tomatoes You can't get over

Like ketchup But it's like I can eat I can actually eat salsa Yeah salsa's great It's not tomatoes It's tomatoes It's salsa Yeah it's definitely tomatoes

But All right We'll take a break We'll come back with decisions of extreme importance. Decisions of extreme importance. I'm going to state something, and then we will all agree or disagree at the very same time.

Do we write it down? I don't think we have to. I think we could go one, two, three, agree or disagree. The correct way to eat an Oreo is whole, not twisted apart. Okay, so is this one, two, three, say my answer? So we'll say yes or no. The correct way to eat an Oreo. is whole, not twisted apart.

Count it off, and I don't know. Three, two, one. Agree. Okay. I heard a yes and agree and a no. That is correct. That is what you heard. I said we'd say yes or no.

No, we literally said it verbatim. Verbatim we said we would say agree or disagree. No, we didn't. What did we say? I think you each said something different. Okay. All right. Listen, I say no because I'm taking umbrage with correct way.

I got, wait, hmm, you're a twister? I'm not often a twister, but I'm willing to twist. There's only one best correct way to eat in orio. But I think it's an okay way to do it. It's got to be dunked in milk.

All right, I'm changing. It's got to be dunked in milk. I agree with you guys. It doesn't have, like, but, okay, I don't have milk. I'm not eating Oreos.

I'm not eating Oreos if I don't have milk. No, no jokes. Go get Ore, guys, go get Oreos right now. Sure. Go get Oreos right now. Now, Mike and I'll have some. Jason, you will.

If I put a train of Oreos down in front of you with no milk, you would eat them. No, I wouldn't. Yes, you, Jason. I would not. He would dip it in water? No, that's disgusting. You are a liar. You won't eat Oreos without milk?

I don't eat Oreos without milk unless we're, like, doing a thing. And my daddy wouldn't eat them without milk. I don't eat them without milk unless I don't have milk and then I'll eat the Oreos. Papa John said, I have watched Jason's. Yes. Jason, how's Oreos at work many times without milk? As have I. We don't have milk here, but I'm telling you at home.

Look, you don't have to, look, yes, Oreos and milk is great. We don't have to do this charade. The twisting, that's nonsense. You don't like the twisting because you have the chocolate only piece. That's bullcrap. Is that why? There's bullcrap for commercials. The twisting is totally, it's not bullcrap. It tastes really good with just just the frosting.

and one half. No. If you twist. What are you going to throw the other half away? No, you eat it and it's a it's a penance like eating the non-marshallows in Lucky Charms. See, here's how. You got to eat that part first. If I don't have milk, I will twist because I'm going to twist. What? And I'm going to eat the cream and I'm going to take both of those. And I'm going to eat, take both of those little. What? You eat just the chocolate wafers. I'm going to throw them away.

So you would eat Oreos all cream? A hundred percent. I have done that many times. Many. You just eat. You just scrape the cream out and you move on. Either you throw the chocolate. It's like you guys. No. That's licking the top of a freaking cupcake and not eating any of the bread. Try that too.

It's the equivalent of eating pistachios. You grab one, you crack the shell open, you eat the gift inside. The inedible shell of a pistachios. It's very similar to a creamless Oreo piece. It's not. Yes, it's a cream. That's why you don't open. Once a chocolate cookie.

You're throwing the chocolate cookie out. What is happening? If a pistachio shell was a chocolate cookie, I'd eat the whole thing. Look You can eat the I agree If a pistachio or an Oreo I'd eat way more

pistachios And I would eat them whole Darn right You can I prefer to eat them I prefer to eat them whole Dunked and milk That's of course the best way

One is a chocolate cookie You're throwing away Yes If you If you let me put it this I don't believe You know what they

You know what they could not sell They could not sell Oh I'm a get you Oreos without out cream. No, just, if they put in just the little dry, they do sell those.

They sell those. Those are called chocolate cookies. No, they'd sell like the Oreo Thins. No, the Oreo Thins are great. There's cream in that. Just a little. Do you lick the cream off an Oreo thin? Because if you do, I'm getting you committed.

I'm getting you committed. That would be ridiculous. But I'm saying the chocolate wafer by itself is not good. It is so dry. It's not good. The flavor's not even good. But when you put it with the cream, it's great. Get him safe.

Everyone's shaking their head. No. They all agree with us. Jeremy's clearly with me. You can't say it's all. I was getting April fools by Oreo where they posted that they were releasing just the wafer. Right. And that was an April fool's joke because of course that would be nonsense.

No one likes that part. The correct way to eat them is whole. The correct is whole. The correct is whole. Which you voted. With milk. You just said you lick off the cream and throw the other parts away. I've done it many times.

I'm saying if you're going to twist, it's only to get the cream. That's madness. All right, we don't agree at all. You're throwing away. You're buying an expensive Oreo cookie and throwing a third of it away? You buy cake icing from the can and just eat it out of the can? I have been known to do that. This is crazy.

So nothing's too rich for you, huh? No, there is definitely things that get too rich. Oreo cream isn't. Oreo cream is like perfect. It's balanced. It's delicious. They should, I'll bet they do sell just Oreo cream. Oreo thin crisps. That's what I was thinking. I'm not the Oreo thins because I agree.

Oh, did Chris have no cream? Yeah. It's just the cookie. Man, they can do what they want. It's not just the cookie. Orio is the freaking Lego company of the cookie department. It's not. Full control of the market. The thing is, is if it was just the full thick cookie, they couldn't sell it because it's not good. They do sell it. They don't sell it. We just established that. Tell me what I just posted in our slack here. What is that? What is that? What is that? What's that?

What's that? What's that? What's that? What are you looking at that? Those are little tiny, itty-bitty bite-sized piece. That's not the whole big Oreo. How much cream? You guys aren't paying attention to what I'm saying.

I'm saying that the Oreo cookie, if you took the cream out and you have the giant wheel, the disc at the size that it is, they suck by itself. Show me where they sell those by themselves. They can't. You think they have. haven't tried, they're already making them. Okay. They've, I'm sure they put them out and they're like. You are proving the point of

you have to eat it as a whole. Why would you take it apart? I'm with you. You're over here on like, I don't even want to milk. There are two different questions happening. There's lies in this room. There are two different questions happening. No, there was one question.

And that question we were all in agreement. A hole is the proper way to eat. If we could twist orio. If the show is an Oreo and we could twist it and throw you away, that would be. great. Look, I'm the cream right now. You were not. Yes, I am. I'm in the middle. No, and then you're the chocolate Oreo cookie.

You're the higher calorie count. You're darn right. I am. You're darn right I am. You're useless. to be thrown away without milk. If I was out of here, you couldn't sell you guys, but if you take you guys out of it lick me up. Delicious. I'm the cream in the middle. I think I'm going to have to enforce the 10 minute timeout. We're moving on. Decisions of extreme importance. At home, socks are better than barefoot.

Oh, gosh. Oh, I need more than a moment of thinking here. Okay. Yeah, let's give us a second. At home. Because this is philosophical. At home, socks at home are better than barefoot. That is tough.

Because I got to average this out for the year long. Yeah. And I'm not a great. I'm not a great vote here. Because I've had to wear shoes in my house for a long time. Oh, man. but when it comes down to what I want to be doing, I got my vote.

At home? Hold on. I've got my vote. I'm not ready. I can't commit to this just yet. So barefoot? Or socks. Or socks.

Okay, but so the way the question is being asked. At home. Sox are better than barefoot. Now are we doing yes or no or agree, disagree? Yes or no. Okay. At home, socks are better than barefoot.

Wait, what are we doing? Agree or yes or no? I wasn't listening. Yes or no. Okay. At home, socks are better than barefoot. One, two, three. No. My man, we have sanity.

Thank goodness. Set them piggy's free. You know what to do you do? You darn right. I can respect the occasional sock adventure through the home. Josh was, Josh was threatening us, but we ended up on the right answer. You're a set them piggy's free, Josh? He thumbs up. Anybody back there is a sock crew? No, be. Okay. What, he got a fungus? No. I like socks. Just if I'm going to sleep, I'd take the socks off. But walking around the house, I prefer to

Is it because you're so short, you just need the lifts? Just get a little higher up there. Come on. So we're all set them piggy's free. Are you? Is anyone a slipper man? I could. You dabble?

I dabble. I dabble in some slippers. Yeah. It's nice to have some slippers around. In Arizona, everything's too warm. That's the issue of socks. The issue of socks is. I wear a slip on sandals in the house.

like house shoes? Yeah. Like the kind that are like the slip, the slip, your toes come out at the end of it. What do you call those? Slipers. Slides? Yeah. Wait, you're wearing slides?

I wear slides in the house. What are you at a bath house? With the spa? You're weird? I wear slides quite often. Yeah. You wear slides. And then when you get to the back door, do you take them off?

Can they touch outside? Oh, well then they're not indoor. They're not just slides. Yeah. They're just slides. The best... How are these things and the strap goes in between your toes?

I used to wear flip flops all the time, but I don't anymore. Okay, that's a great story. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. Our ratings are going to go through the roof now. We all agree. We got to move on. The best way to enjoy a fountain drink is without a lid and straw. This one is so easy.

The best way to enjoy a fountain drink is without a lid and straw. Three, two, one. No. Yes. What? Me and Jason are team straw. You're so... Why? Stupid. You got to get the... You got the ice in the way. He wants to put the lip down and have the ice smack his face. No. I don't need a piece of plastic getting in between me and my soda pop. I can drink mine faster than you can with a straw. For sure you can. Of course you can. And you get the concentrated cold. Unless you don't have any ice in your drink. Actually, you can't. What? You can drink it so much faster. with a straw. If you've got ice, if you have ice

in the drink, you can drink way faster with a straw than without a straw. No. And I'm starting to think about, this is like... Because I got manned teeth. I don't got a little baby boy teeth. If you're at a restaurant, is that what this is? No, this is at, it's just anywhere. So you go to a circle K, you get a 44 ounce or you're not using a straw. If I buy

it, if I do that, yes, I'm going to use a straw. More often than not at a... But better. Better is just from the is the soda pop from the glass? How do you treat your shakes? I don't really do shakes, but you're like a milk bowl. I mean.

Yes, a milkshake. That is the kind of shake I'm talking about. Spoon? I mean, that's weird. That's weird. If you don't have a spoon, would you use a straw or would you take the top off and slurp? Yeah, would you put it to your mouth on the side of the milk shake? A milkshake?

A milkshake. A milkshake. You've got to use a straw. Okay. Because if you don't use a straw, the entire thing is just going to come down like a cylinder right in your face. That's the issue with the soda. Ice. No, it's not, the soda is not a cylinder. It's a liquid. It's not a

solid. The ice is a solid. I don't know if you know this, but it's completely a solid. It's frozen water into a solid form and it falls with gravity. For the record, we pulled the room and you and Andy stand alone on this. Oh, weird. It's four to two. Enjoy your microplastics. I don't know.

Now you're with those guys though. Yeah, I feel so much better about our stance now. I mean, that just proved we were right, Andy. It's just, it's not. It's good with the straw. That's why they serve them that way. You have to go non-traditional. There are moments where you need the convenience of a straw.

Mike loves paper straws. Is this a turtle thing? Are you a paper straw boy? I am on the side of that straws are destructive and they don't degrade and everything. But paper straws do suck. I don't know what the answer is, except I do. It's called no straw. Be a grown-up and just drink it out of the glass.

If I get served, I will say this, if I get served to found a found. drink at a restaurant and then they go do you want a straw I always say no I'm fine drinking it out of a cup what kind of cup what is the best material for a cup probably that red plastic from the old pizza huts okay I can I can get down on a red

plastic cup but I would prefer a glass yes of course because it's pure because it has not touched the plastic I'm not better I don't I eat so many things at plastic I'm pretty sure if you go to the grocery store and every single thing that you bring home is wrapped in plastic. This is, I'm not doing a, I won't eat things with plastic.

I'm saying glass is better for, for sure, for everything. For everything. They don't, you just don't serve those very often. You don't always get glasses. No, that has nothing to do with whether I want ice in my face. I'm just saying optimal. You just don't have self-control. You can't control the flow.

I would put a plastic straw in my glass glass. My glass cup. Is that easier to understand? I mean, everyone was really struggling with that. I mean, it just sounded funny. Yeah, I can't. We let you sit with it. No, man, get rid of straws.

Grow up. The skin should be eaten on a big... You get the bendy straw, too? Oh, now we're talking about it. Yeah, yeah, there we go. Now we're down to the big, thick straws for the shakes, by the way. Yeah, jack in the box. The skin should be eating on a baked potato.

Oh, okay. The skin should be eating on a baked potato. nice question easy answer i would have gone through different answers in my life three two one no yes oh no now i know that mike has not had a good baked potato because let me tell you something you come over my house and you have a baked potato all skins you're going you're going skin first brother you're like holy crap what are you possibly doing it it is seasoning crispy and seasoned it it is so superior to the perfect fluffy awesomeness of the inside of a baked potato. But when you have a good, seasoned, crispy baked potato.

That's the key. It's got to be a feature, not a bug. You know what I mean? An average or below average baked potato, I'm avoiding the skin. Yeah. It's worse. But if done right. You've had potato skins.

I'm not saying I'm above it because, yeah, when you go and you get the potato skin, that's how you got to cook it for a baked potato. That's fine. But that comes down to the ratio. how much of the actual potato flesh is made available to me. In a baked potato, I've got it all. So I don't need to fill up on the disgusting container. What it really comes down to is what is the crispy love?

What is the crispiness of the skin? If the skin is rubbery. I know you love a good banana peel. I know you do. If the skin is rubbery like a banana peel, it's awful and you should not eat that. If the skin is done right, it should be crispy and awesome. The Falcon has taken issue with the fact that you will not eat the cookie part of an Oreo, but we'll eat the leathery part of the potato. Thank you, Matt. No. Thank you.

If you think my baked potatoes have a leathery part, bro, that is insulting to my core, because I am a chef. And my baked potatoes come out, mm-mm-perfect, crispy. You would, you would eat nothing but the skin. You're saying you could cook a better Oreo? I could I could make something better than just the wafer by itself. It's just, it's so unnecessary. If you get the whole baked potato, the outside's unnecessary. I'm always going to. I'm always going to eat the outside. I used to be a never, ever eat the skin when I was growing up. But then I started having season. But then you were like thinking about all the people in the Great Depression. Right. You're like, I got to maximize this. Eat the plate. Okay, let me, let me.

So do you, when you eat it, is it at, it's at the end, right? That's usually, no, it's all, all along the way. You're going to, you're going to fork and a knife. So you can have like the good part masking the terrible, disgusting peel. So I, so I can have the best, peel is the best part. The best Peel. Best part is the peel. The best part is the peel. I think it is the best part unless you're like putting a lot of stuff on the potato. I understand where Mike's coming from. I really do because I know you haven't had it. You need a whole new world opened up. You haven't had it. Yeah. Because like if you haven't had it, then you, this is a wild accusation that the peel could be better. A bad potato peel is awful. It's just inedible. It's leathery. It's all those things. Or like soft and like gross.

Yeah. Anyone who. shout out to the brown potatoes. The red potatoes can go die. Red potatoes, I actually eat the whole thing. That's because the skin is like nothing. It's basically a naked potato. It's because of the ratio. I mean, there's no thinner peel than a red potato peel.

Does anyone offer just... Potato skins, yes. Yeah, lots of places. They call them potato skins on me. No, no, no, no. Those things have plenty of potato on there. They do. Sure, they do.

But some of them are pretty thin on the potato. I will say this. In order to cook it right, in order to cook it right, you can't really cook it that way and get it crispy without the potatoes. So you'd have to somehow peel it and throw away delicious baked potatoes. So nobody would do that. I'm just telling you guys, if you are listening. Don't tell me nothing. I'm on your team.

No, no, no. I'm telling the whole world, including the four men in this room that maybe aren't on the team because we didn't pull them. I think they're on our team. I know. I'm sure Jeremy's had one of our baked. Have you had one of my baked potatoes? He said it was the best one he's ever had. Yeah, I did.

Yeah. So, I mean, you know what I'm saying. Like, if you've had one, you'll never not want. want to eat the skin. You just wouldn't. It's the best part. But if you haven't, so this is, I'm sorry. Come to my house. Come to my house. I have to do this one. We ought to do one more. The excuse of, well, I do it the best. That's, that doesn't work right. That is the best excuse for everybody. Because it's setting yourself up for the largest disaster and ego crushing of your life. When I show up and I'm like, that's true because I try to convince Mike to like lemon desserts.

Yeah. My wife made the best lemon cookies. Yeah. And then he just pooped on him. Yeah. because lemon desserts aren't good. And so it's like if I show... Mike is also not one to change the opinion on foods. I will say this. That is false. I eat mustard now.

I will say this. It's scary. It's a scary proposition because I've made baked potatoes, I don't know, 20 times. And I would say... You've only done 20 times and you're the master? I'm not saying I'm the best. You literally just said you were the best. I didn't say I was the best.

I say I make awesome baked potatoes. Awesome. They're great. say he was the best. Did I hear that? I think he did. Well, then I stand by it. Then I stand by. I'm the best. But what I'm saying here is, of the last 20 baked potatoes that I have made,

20 batches, not like 20 total baked potatoes. Okay. All right. The last 20 batches of baked potatoes I made. I will say that five of them, I've been very disappointed. And it's always based on the skin. Is that because of your mistake or the potato? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I try to do the same thing every time, but give me, you're the math man. So X out of how many of the last N potatoes

5 out of 20% of the time. That is a bad ratio. It's also bad math that's one out of four, right? Didn't you say 1 out of 5? 5 out of 5? 5 is 1 out of 4. I thought you were the man. That math, you got math, nerd. 25%. It's a tough ratio. It's tough to get it right. But, you know, it's There's some happenstance. Why would you mess around with that

ratio? You're like 20% of the time it's bad. To be clear. 25. I have When you get it right. Does that mean if you make a batch of baked potatoes and you make five? No. No, all five will be good or all five will be disappointed. It's interesting. That seems like it's a potato-based problem.

It could be. All right, we're taking a break and then we're going to jump into the draft. But the inside's always good. That's true. You guys actually like red potatoes, though? Yeah, there's a place. There's a place from all potatoes. Every time I eat a red potato, I'm like, I wish this was a brown potato.

Potatoes, I've never heard of the brown potato in my life. Or like a russet. Russet? Isn't that it? Yeah, I know. It's a russet potato. But I'm, they're brown potatoes, man. Oh.

What's a red potato call them? A red potato. Okay. That's not fair. That actually is called brown potatoes. Gosh. I've never heard of call that before. What about a red potato?

Oh, those are red. Imagine labeling a potato by its color. You're not going to go to. No. Amazing. My point is, if you go to a grocery store, you cannot find a label that says brown potatoes. Okay. We'll find a label that says red potatoes because that's what they're called.

Yeah, well, there's red potatoes and then there's potatoes. Okay, that might be true. Let's draft. The spitballers draft. He knows metal and he knows potatoes, folks. Don't you give me on potatoes or metal. He knows all the potatoes. All right, we are drafting TV.

What metals are in potatoes? What metals? Way more than there should be. A lot of minerals. They're a root vegetable. We are drafting TV. or movie titles that could describe putting your kids to bed. Which I presume we're talking about young children, not just like my teenagers.

That's what kids are. Oh, my kids now. I don't like have to put them to bed. Go to bed. So you know there's still my kids, right? Like, oh my God, why are you away going to bed? That means there you're always your kids then, right? Even if they're 40?

Yes. But, okay. But putting a 40-year-old stupid would be. All right. Jason, you get the first pick because, you know, you did that sick, amazing scat. Yeah, it's a great, great scat by me, a very, it was a tryhard, but it was good. You listed a lot of, I think, Greek letters. Yes, that's right. Alpha, beta, data, whatever.

Look, I'm going to start with the-sigma pie. The importance. That sounds delicious. You know, I'd eat a sigma pie. I'm going to start with the environment Not not that's not the name of the movie The movie is not I've never heard of the movie The Environment I'm saying I'm going to start with the environment

Of the situation that I need to succeed Putting my kids to bed We all had small children that had various bedtime routine problems And the one thing that was in common with all of them Is you need a quiet place So I will draft a quiet place Okay. Mike's like, Mike's like, it's never been a quiet place.

No, no, I've never experienced this. Well, but also it's a horror movie, so it kind of works both ways. It's funny because it's really similar. You've got to be quiet. Yes. Because if they hear you, they will eat you. I can't decide. Here's the funny thing.

I'll brief aside. When I had young kids, putting them to bad was difficult. But when they went too bad, we always put our kids to bed early. We got free time. Oh, it was wonderful. Now, my kids are not a concern about bedtime. Bedtime is just a thing that happens. But they stay up late.

So we don't get the free time. You never have the alone. I'm not sure which one I want. All right. It did say TV or movie. So I will go, I'll go with a TV show name. Okay. To describe putting my kids to bed.

It's simple. It's easy and it spanned many years. Family feud. We'll call it family feud. That's a good one. Family feud. It is not, you know. It's a good one.

You do it every night. They can't remember they do it. every night. Right. So family feud. It's a new battle. Yeah. And then you and the wife or you and the husband, you're debating like whose job it is today to do this part of the job and

yeah, it's a family feud. Oh, that's a good one. I don't recommend this, but it often comes down to this. My first pick, I'm going to go with Scream. Oh, okay. Is this them or you? It's a little bit of both. Okay.

little bit of both, my man, because you just, you eventually hit it, like I said, go to bed! Ah! Is that your final, is that the final step? No, that's actually the fifth of 20 steps. So I'm going to go with that one. I feel like you had the worst time, like we all had bad times. Oh, bed time was...

But I remember it very, I mean, we've been friends for 20 years. Yeah. I remember Mike's times. Two of my three. wanted anything except going to bed. And so then I will, like, sometimes you think you're successful. And you're like, okay, go to sleep.

And then you sneak out and you go to your room. And then you get, catch me if you can. Dang it. Dang it. That was my next pick. Because the little monsters. Once you get past, like, you have three. We have, we both have three.

You're outnumbered. You're outnumbered. And they're just, they're ready. If you have stairs in your house, who knows where they're going to be if you're trying to leave a family event or a birthday party and you've got more than two kids it feels like you can only get two together at the same time

oh man catch me if he can's a great answer and I got and for my wife's in that now it's one V's one of them it's one V4 when I'm trying to get out of a place and I got the wrangling you almost need to put them in the back of a squad car and lock them in get them all out the door all right is it back to me

Yes, it is. Well, look, we did it for years. So I'm going to go with the usual suspects. Okay. It's always the same troublemakers in the house. Yeah, one out of three. He's a good kid. I'm going to the usual suspects.

Some of them are easier, some are harder, but it's always a good time. Yep. Mine was, this wasn't high up on my list, but I realized how true this was when you were talking about. Peaceful, restful sleep. Well, here's what's funny So I only I really only remember My twins came first

And then I had another child But all the real bedtime routines It's always the twins that come to mind Those are the ones that I remember You don't refer to the other one as the single No, we don't, no But the twins One of them was a

Perfect Sleeper Would go to sleep Oh, one of the two twins One of the two Go to sleep 10 seconds be restful. The other one, nightmare. And that one would wake up the peaceful one. And by name.

Jason was great. Jersey was a monster. I'll tell the truth. They know who they are. They know who they are. But when you were talking about Catch me if you can, it made the great escape. The great escape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The walk to the door is so hard. I would take 20 minutes to get to that door. I would, I don't care. I would walk as slow as I'd crawl. I'd do anything. Just please.

And if you got on the other side of that door, it was like magic. Yeah. It's just like. And then you get the door. You're closing. Uh-huh. You're like, Yeah.

Which brings up the next thing. When it gets difficult, especially when one of them is bad and it wakes the other one up and blah, blah, blah. It's a lot of mission impossible. Yep. You know, it just feels like it's not going to happen tonight. And I don't know if there will be a tomorrow. All right.

I think that one's good. It's back to me. I am between a few different ideas. But ultimately, it's not just putting them to bed. That's hard. It is escaping with actual peace and quiet for the next few hours and on the night. Because I'm going to go to the TV show. It's prison break.

It's prison break. Because they will leave. They will leave the bed. Yeah, they will. Oh, my gosh. I need more water. You already had water. Oh, man. I forgot. You didn't set up the right stuffed animal. Yes, I did. Do you ever have kids get out of the crib? Like, that's real prison. Because you put him in prison. Yeah. Yeah. It's just no one on this earth is thirstier. Oh, my God. Then a bad time child who has been put to sleep. Yeah. And like this is, they'll do anything. So they'll do anything. They'll do anything to stay up. Yeah. So they can, so they can pee the bed and stay up even longer. So prison break. I have my final. I have my final. I have my final. I have my final. I have my final. I have my final. I have my final. I have. I have my final. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I. I final two, the way that it went for myself and my wife. Eventually, you're into the early hours of the next day sometimes. And we will call that dazed and confused, as I no longer know what day or what time it is. And then the final boss is, we're going to go with extremely loud and incredibly close.

Okay. Because I'm screaming in their face. Go to sleep Just go to sleep I thought maybe they were incredibly close Because they eventually come in And then they want to sleep in your room And you don't have the energy to put them back

Oh no So they just end up in your bed You never see the Samuel L. Jackson Bedtime story Yeah Very inappropriate for this podcast Go go the word to sleep Yes go the word to sleep

I enjoyed and needed that man In my life At that moment So what are you for I got scream Catch me if you can, dazes and confused, extremely loud, and incredibly close. Okay. My final pick, I have family feud, the usual suspects, prison break.

I could go with the movie title, the negotiator, or I could go with the TV show, and that's what I'm going to do. The negotiator? Deal or no deal. Oh. Deal or no deal. Eventually there becomes, there's a point where you get to maybe just coming up with some sort of situation that they might agree to.

They're very good. at bargaining for themselves. Yes. The tenacity of never giving up, never giving an inch in their negotiations. They're very good at it. The best thing I ever heard from one of my kids who I thought was just a perfect little angel

was that he told us many years later he had his nap time. And we had a two-story house and he was up there. And he said, like we thought he was the perfect napper, his whole life. And then he told us many years later, he goes, every time I went to bed,

I just goofed around in bed and I could hear your steps coming up the stairs. Oh my goodness. And whenever I heard the steps, I would play like I was asleep and you never once knew that I was faking it every time. Wow. Nathan. We putting kids on blast today. You really opened my eyes to the capabilities of these children. But Jason, a quiet place, the great escape mission impossible.

The thing is just think about you. I know. Think about who you were as a child. I know. And for whatever reason we're like, oh, no. Oh, my kid. My kid. Did you ever do the thing where you were coming home from an event and you'd try to fall asleep in the car so your parents would carry you in?

Of course. We all did that, right? I would do the thing where I faked asleep. So you carry me in? Yes. Use my legs? Yeah. No.

Every time I'd come home from an event late at night, I would act so tired so that they'd carry me. And the worst, the worst part was when your kid fell asleep right before you got home. Oh, yeah. I'm like, we're trying to do every minute. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, wake up, rolling the windows down. you fall asleep. Man, we had to do that.

Oh, man. To keep them awake? Yes. The worst case is always, once they get that little five-minute power nap in. Oh, they're up. Yep. It's tomorrow now.

They didn't know the difference between a night of sleep or five minutes. Yeah. All right. So I got my last one here. You just talked about like, sometimes it's a good thing, right? Sometimes it's like when you're trying to tuck them in, they're open.

They're willing to talk forever. Yeah, they are. You could have an hour long theological conversation because, you know, this is the time that they will listen because they are doing anything to stay awake. They want water. They've never been more thirsty. They want a never-ending story. Yeah. They want you to read that book 30 more times.

Yeah. I'll fall asleep this next read-true. Start over, Dad. I mean, where the wild things grow, I had that thing. I didn't have to look at that book. didn't. It was next page. I knew every word. Totally right. Yeah, you got it right, Jay. You know it real well. It's where the big, tall, wild things grow. Look, it's been a long, it's been like 15 years. I know it like the back of my hand. I knew it like the back of my hand.

What did we learn today? I learned that Mike has never had a good baked potato. A great baked potato. Yeah, that seems true. Mike, did you learn anything today at all? I learned that you guys have baby mouth and baby teeth and can't handle a grown-up beverage. His teeth break on bread, dude. He needs a strong. You're with that guy.

Believe it or not, we all have older kids now, and I learned, I kind of miss it a little bit. It might suck, but I kind of miss it just a little bit. Mike, you miss it? They were angels. Not a minute. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out spitballerspod.com.