Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Jiu-Jitsu Master & The Best Animal Movies - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

Spit Hit for Jan 22nd, 2026:On this episode Jason becomes a master of Juijitsu, we ruin some birthdays, have a round of Is This Real Life and wrap things up with a best animal movies draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bawaw, a woof, a meow, meow, and then the roar. Okay, all right. Now, was it, and then the roar? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you got to fill a space with some. syllables and then words just come out of your mouth. Oh, the people loved it. Wow. It's probably

the roar at the end. It was a good one. Welcome into the spitballers, Andy Mike and Jason with you. You'll never guess what we're drafting. Would you rather, is this real life? And we are drafting the best animal movies on today's episode of the podcast. Episode 303, in fact, 303. A palindrome. Yes. I mean, yeah. Yeah, that is true. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for following this show. Tell your friends and family if you would like them to enjoy their Mondays. What's the other day we released shows Thursday?

And their Thursdays? Anything else out? You're allowed to listen. Yeah, you're allowed to listen every single day. Every day could be a spitballers day. All right. Let's kick it off. Would you rather?

Tricia from Instagram writes in and says, Would you rather give the best man's speech for someone you barely know. or go to your kids, schoolmates, birthday party and blow out their candles after everyone sings to them. And you have to stay for the rest of the party. Wait, okay. The second one of these options is you're going to your child's schoolmate. So your child's friend. Oh, my son's buddy, uh, ro.

Rogers having a birthday party. I'm going to go there. And after they sing him, happy birthday, I'm going to blow out his candles as a grown man. You'll probably have to do it, like, as the song is coming to a close. Oh, I got to get in there before he does. So on that one, you have to sell it like a, like you think it's a big gag that's hilarious. I mean, it's not going to go over well. You might get punched.

See, what I'm going to do is I'm going to sit there right next to him. Maybe I'll be filming from his perspective. Absolutely. Just right before him and they won't know. What about a sneeze? Oh, that's good. Right on the cage. Oh, yeah.

Hachoo! Let me slice this up for you. So the second one sounds way worse. But the first one's not even bad. It's not that hard. A best man's speech for someone you barely know, I could go through enough trivialities. Like, I think it's the issue is you're taking over the speech.

Like, the best man does not get to speak. Like, they go up. Like, you know, it's time for the best man speech and they're walking up and you run. And you grab the mic. And you shoulder check them and you take the microphone. Okay, that would make this question make far more sense. Because if I just, if I was asked to give a best man speech for someone that I don't, that I don't know, I'm like, yeah, sure, that's fine. I would probably rather do that than someone I know.

It's like, I could say anything I want. I can have fun with this. Yeah, I mean, I feel like you can say enough generic things at a best man speech to be fine. the idea that you are taking the spot from someone else and then having to give a speech is awkward as can be little Kanye West I'm gonna let you finish

I'll let you finish in a minute but I could I think I could blow out the candle if it was like a solo candle on a cupcake that someone was holding and be like ha ha ha ha no he's 11 years old so there are 11 canals and you have to stay for the rest of the party so everyone is just going to be like why did you do that

I was just helping him, man. Why did you do that? He's a little undersized. I didn't think the lungs were going to be able to power through. I want his wish to come true. And my man lungs got him all 11 out. I mean, I did this for him. What do you, like, what do you do at the end?

You've, you've blown the candles out. Oh, you grab, what, what's your, are you doing it? Eh? Yeah. Do you stand in cheer? Like, eh. What's, what's the, or do you just sit there in silence? It's just kidding everyone and you grab.

the lighter and light them again. No, I mean... I think what you do is immediately when you blow them out, you, you grab that knife and you start cut. You're like... Who wants cake? Who wants cake? I'm just trying to get this party moving, you know?

What if you say you had a wish that you needed? Yeah. Dude, I'm so... Look, Roger, I am sorry, but I needed this wish. Yeah, I mean, like, I am going to lose my job without this wish. No, you just tell them to your kid. You're like, you don't know this. Tom, but little Frankie's really going through it right now. He's really sick. He's so sick right now.

Well, he was. And then I made this wish. And watch how happy he's going to be now. I'm looking at. Frankie. He looks perfectly fine. Exactly. That's why I blew out your candles. You get it. I like that. That's a good one. Just start hugging the game. You saved him. You saved my little boy. It's a lot easier. It is a lot easier to overcome these children than to overcome the it's not the children the parents the grooms and the

the the bridesmen so you think the parents are going to oh you the parents are the problem what makes the best man I'll tell you what makes the best man so put yourself in the shoes of the

other parents this is your son's birthday okay we all have a young my gosh and another parent oh my gosh not another kid like I could see another kid doing that and I'd be like what a little jerk kid I hate that kid but that kid's parent blows out the candles this would be this would be like uh you know they got the pinata and one of the other parents grabs the stick I'm first and goes first it just

rips it into half and half that would be awesome I mean just like Sammy Sosa showing up to your birthday party that flips at the end bring your own be bring your own that. Yeah, I prefer an aluminum. I mean, if you the thing about the traditionalist. I don't know what the next thing I do is. Once you start serving cake up

and opening presents, you're going to move on. I'm serving that parent the last piece. You're going to relight the candles. Oh, well, that just makes it completely easy. No, but no, no, no you still have to this awkward. Everyone has to sing again?

The awkwardness is still in the air. of this person just blew out the candles. Man, man. This is a great question because they are both awful. I think I could. I guess I'm doing the best man speech. That's the way I lean to. I think I could take the microphone.

Let's get this party started, everybody. And I could just try to make the crowd laugh and have fun and be belligerent and then give it back. And then it's like there was a hopefully a reason for it of like that was just fun. there's no redeemable quality about blowing out another kid's birthday candles as an adult. No, no. So I think we're I think we're good there. Rusty from Patreon writes in, would you rather instantly master the skill

of either drawing or jiu-jitsu. Jiu-jitsu, baby? Mastering is the word there that is making that more difficult because we're all competitive sports people. And if you tell me you get to master any sport, If I'm the master of a sport, that comes with the competitive joy of winning. I don't know if there's drawing competitions, but I don't think they're like sports. Well, and as a life skill.

That's more how I look at it. As a life skill, like drawing is amazing. It blows my mind when people can draw. No, really. Like when they can visualize in their mind what they want to draw, that alone blows my mind. But they're able to then draw it. I can't even see a stick figure. my mind to draw. I'm like, I don't know the shape of a dog.

What was right? Can you, can you learn that? Like, like, seriously, like, I know some people are gifted artists, right? Like, Papa Josh, his wife is a great artist. His daughter's a great artist. Did they learn it? Did they have some of it? Was it inherent? Like, if I decided today, I want to, like, I'm going to commit my life to drawing. I obviously, you could learn. I would, like, all the way. Yeah, I, I believe that, like, any art thing, like, there are some people, your born and you just have a, your brain happens to function naturally a certain way, so you can,

you can think about that. But for, for drawing, it's going to take longer, but I think that you can learn the skills of light and shadow and of that. I mean, first of off, when you look at an object, just what are the basic shapes of that and kind of deconstructing it before

you start drawing and adding all the detail in, I think anyone can learn it. Can I alter this? Because it seems like Jiu-Jitsu is going to win the day here. Well, I was going to say that just going back to the first question, if someone blows out the candles, I'm not going to draw like an angry picture and hand it to him. But the Jiu-Jitsu- Oh, that comes in handy. That might come in real handy when Bob's blown out the candles.

What if you could become the master of Jitsu for one year or the master of drawing for your whole life? Because one of the redeeming things about drawing to me was the idea that for years and years and years, This is a hobby I can do. Like if you, I would like a hobby like that. I was thinking today, like I want to add a hobby to my life. I want to find a hobby. I just, you know. Do you need our help?

But I don't. Sure. Yeah. Recommendations to, you know, rack your brains, fellas. Step one, you're going to need some more time. Right. Yeah. But a future hobby.

Okay. I feel like drawing to me. That's not your hobby. I admire it so much, but that sounds so boring. That's not your hobby. I don't want to sit down and draw. You don't like, you don't like drawing because it's, it's from nothing, from an empty page to something you're proud of, there's a whole lot of time you'll be unhappy.

I wish I could doodle. It's just looking at it, which is, that's not a. Yeah. I mean, most of the things that I see drawn in my life are on a dry erase board and they're quickly erased. Could you would, could you do woodworking? Or is that also, that's not boring? That's less boring, but that's very cumbersome. and it's hard to get sweaty.

It's probably in a garage or in Arizona. Yeah. But keep these flowing. Ducers, you guys as well. I'm looking for a hobby. What are some hobbies people have? Yeah, people do.

Like, do you want to learn an instrument? I'm not good at that. Okay. No. No musical talent. What about antiquing? Oh, that. Is that a hobby?

It is a hobby. Yeah. Shopping sounds good. Antiquing sounds awful. Antiquing is. Oh, it's, what you do, is you go to antique stores, which are very popular.

You'll find them, and you go to garacios. Now, and you buy things that you think are worth money or antiques, and then you just collect them infinitely until your next of kin

is forced to sell them off. So how does, how do you gauge I am, I'm really good at you're thinking. It's how many you have. Like how much storage space you have? No, just based on how many things you've purchased.

It's how much store to space you don't have anymore. Right. That's how, It's all in negative volume. My ratio of crap to empty space. And everyone that starts. I have almost no room left. Yeah.

I'm doing it. When you are antiquing, you are going out there and you find that Apple plate that is so rare. And you said this is worth hundreds of dollars. Yeah, 1988. They're selling it for 1999. They don't know what's on their hands. So this is a profiting venture. No, but they're never going to sell it.

They think they're going to sell it. They're going to go, oh, I'm going to make money on this. And they're going to bring it home and they're going to store it until you're, until their next of Ken has to, is forced to throw it away. Oh, yeah. Well, they're going to sell because they've been told how much it is, except they have no idea. Estate sale. Everybody else comes, and then they get a discount on all that stuff.

And it just keeps going. And it's a cycle of nobody paying the real price. So they just get kept. Antiquing is out. So no, antiqueing. Okay. I don't have the room for that, man. Dducers, feel free to break in with some hobby suggestions during the show.

Brunching? Oh, I could brunch. That's a hobby? Antiquing is a hobby. My Brunching, man But I feel like that's only once a week No, you know

A true bruncher Three to four times a week My wife's Father, my father-in-law Beer making Okay, now so that Now I'm in But I've heard

That if you do it wrong You can like blow up your house That's moonshine Oh okay So don't get you could be a moonshine You don't want anything You don't want anything With like a possible

Blung up of your house I would prefer not to open to it. Like, that's not a full deal breaker. But if there is a little bit safe. But you don't like collecting. So all the collecting ones are out. Out. I don't care about your knick neck, like you could be doing collecting Lego sets or collecting hot toys. They're collecting, you know. Yeah, the Babe Ruth signed card is like, there's a piece of paper to me. Do people still bootleg? Is this around? Prohibition ended in 29. No, I know. But is there like people who are like, yeah, I'm a, I'm a

bootleggers? I don't think so. I don't think there's people bootlegged. moonshine? Yeah. I mean, I think people make it and no one gives a care. Yeah, but you can drive around and pretend. If you're selling moonshine out of the back of your old van, you might get in trouble. Okay, so bootlegging is alive and well.

Yes, Mike. This is your hobby. Okay, you got bootlegging. I'm still looking for mine. If you drink it all, not in trouble. Not on your own supply. Anyways, going back to drawing, I don't, that doesn't sound fun or appealing to me.

So I think I would love to, even if it was one year, I would love to be an expert at jujitsu, do that one, do some tournaments, get some medals, have that period of time and retire a champion. Absolutely. All right. Makes sense. I think we, I think we talked. What's your answer, Mike? Through that one.

Well, I was thinking, I was trying to come up with a scheme. The moonshine is the answer. No, no, no. It's similar, but I'm coming up with a scheme of if I'm really good at drawing, do I make all these drawings? and then I say someone, I knew who made these, and now they're gone. Because that's the only way that they're valuable. Oh, you say they were from, like a famous dead artist?

Yes. So dying is a big part of the... Oh, that's when art's actually worth money. While you're alive, it's worth nothing. It's a dumb drawing. You can make more of those. I feel like we won't find it right now, but I feel like there is a wild,

would you rather question that exists around what you pass down for your family and generation? versus what you get now. So we may have to find one of those. Unless you guys just want to quickly say what you get now. You're saying like, I'll take what I get now. Yeah, that's what I figured.

All right. No, by the way, one last hobby question. Because I've never. I am 40 years old. I have skied zero times. Uh-huh. I have never, have you skied? I've skied about three times.

Mike, have you skied? I snowboarded once and bruised my tailbone. twice to a level that I could not walk for a couple weeks there is only one time that was it there's only one time in my entire life where I know I had a concussion that was skiing have you have you not heard my ski fall story is this the story where you went for one last run while everybody else was staying at the lodge uh-huh and you come stumbling in covered in head Do in snow? Yeah, my goggles broken and I tumbled down that hill for a long time.

One ski on, one ski way up the mountain. I mean, I was brutalized. And then I remember just standing there thinking, I don't know where I am. If you have no former experience, like when you're young of like skateboarding, I would, I bet even surfing, just any sport where you learn to balance yourself. No, I feel like, I'm just asking, can I start? the hobby of skiing. Can I become a skier at 40? No. No? Legaments. Oh, legaments. Yeah. It just comes. I love that as an answer to the question. Pain tolerance too. But what about just cross-country skiing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can do that. Yeah. That's called walking.

Can I become a hiker? Yeah. No problem. All right. Noah from the website, would you rather always stand in the elevator with your back to the door or always pull doors shut behind you, even when you know that there are other people walking up to them. That second one is so hard. I mean, we've talked about the nice, casual, you know, social norms of holding a door for someone. And I'm the type where it's like, I hate when I'm walking to a restaurant and I see someone far away because I can't do it.

I can't walk in and let that door shut. But now I've got to stand and wait for grandma over there to like 45 seconds later. Do you run into those situations and you just stand there and you wait? I just stand and wait. What do you do when that situation happens and the person doesn't take the social responsibility of then taking the door

when they have a group of people? They walk through and they all walk past you. Oh man. Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah. Yeah. The social norm is I held it for you. No, you take over. That next family takes over the door. Have you had them know where they go right through? Oh yeah, of course. Like I'm a permanent door holder. At that point you start greeting each one of them like you were. Ask you for tips. You just say,

hello, welcome, enjoy your stay. Right this way, I've got this. You just follow your group. Do you hold through that family because of your obligation to the next family? Because if you're not handing to the one that just walked right by you, then you have to hand to the next family. Personally, this is, I mean, everyone's different. If I

was there and there was just, let's just say, an endless line of families and no one was willing to take the door from me. They were just thanking me for holding it for them. I would die there. That would be, I would, I'm just waiting for the restaurant to close at that point in time. All right. Yeah, that does happen though. People don't take it.

What was the first part of the question? The elevator. You're back to the door. That's just arms crossed staring at. Do they have to walk by you then? Yeah, I mean, imagine, imagine being the, the person that opened the elevator. I'm going up a flight and the door opens and someone's standing with their back. Just alone?

Just standing with their back to me. Oh, that's a good point. I didn't even think about being alone. Do they get on? Would you walk on if someone is up? Okay, bing, I've been waiting forever. Elevator finally shows up there is a man and he's got his back to me. He's all alone.

I'm not getting in that elevator. I would say, is this available? I think I would squeeze on. I would wait for a second for him to turn around or acknowledge me. were spread to completely block the entry. Well, then I'm not getting on. But he said, yes, you can come on. You just have to climb through.

You have to, like tunnel tag? You have to crawl through his legs. No, thank you. But he's dressed really nicely and he says he's an employee. But it would be really funny. So, so let's say he's just off to the side a little bit, right? He's not blocking the door at all. Okay.

He's over by the buttons, but still in the walkway a bit. Yeah. Back is to you. Let's say he's in a suit. The door opens, you wait for him to turn around, acknowledge you, or whatever, but he's not, but the rest of the elevator's empty. So you're like, okay, I'm just going to walk past him. I walk past him, and I turn around. Are you hoping this guy has a giant smile or a scowling frown?

Like, what is more, what are you expecting when you turn around? Like, I think if I'm not getting on that elevator. And this dude had an ear-to-ear smile, I would run off that elevator. Yeah, I've seen that movie. I'm like, what did I walk into? I would rather him scowl and be like, because that's what I would expect. Like, he's just an upset guy in his own world.

But then, you know, he's mad at you. He's not mad at me. He was mad before I got on the elevator. You have to be the guy. You get on an elevator. You're the one that's standing in front of the door with your back. But you're going to the top floor. So every person on every floor has to walk right by you.

That would be tough. Yeah. So in this, in this, would you rather, we are the person. We are the weirdos standing with the back to the elevator door. Or you're pulling the door shut behind you. Well, that one's out for me. The problem with that one is so many of those doors don't close fast. Well, no, that's why it's pulling.

They're like the pull wind, the wind. That's the point. You're pulling against the hydraulics. Yeah, the draft of it or the hydraulics. Yeah, you're like, no, you don't get, this is the opposite of holding a door for someone. This is shutting a door on someone. This is, no, I pull. That was for me.

I would say, can't let the AC out when I'm doing it. I would say that over and over again. The problem there is oftentimes when you're walking into, say, a restaurant, that's the most common place I think of with door holding. Yep. Is three steps into the building, you stop in a line waiting for the host of stand. So you're going to walk in here and you're going to shut that door on someone and it's not like you can run away. No, it's like they're going to open the door and you're waiting right there in line.

Man. I can't do that. So you're taking, you're the, I'm going to be a backwards elevator guy. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, the door closing one is just pretty egregious. All right, Al, are we moving on or we got time for one more? Let's move on. All right, let's do it.

Is this real life? All right. This is the segment of the show that we drop in every once in a while, but we have the opportunity to share a real life news story that we ask ourselves. Is this real life? Is this actually happening in the society we live in? I'll just get mine out of the way. All right. This one, I actually saw this story come through when it originally happened briefly.

I hadn't read it. But an Oklahoma judge had to step down because it was proven that they had sent more than 500 text messages during a murder trial that they were the judge of. No. And the text messages were all about things happening in the trial. Oh, no. About the fact that, oh, no. For instance, the...

Oh, you got texts? One of them was the fact that the... And the best part is the texts were being sent to the bailiff. This dude's so guilty. The texts were being sent to the bailiff during the trial. Oh, that's... Making fun of people. That's...

With emojis. It's included. It's kind of funny. And one of them, like the prosecutor was, quote, sweating through his coat was one of the tweets. The other one, the other one was a text about how the defense attorney was awesome. And can I clap for her? Look, we have, wow. We have done things where we, the three of us, or maybe more of us, we will be on a video meeting with other people.

Yep. and we have definitely intentionally messaged into our work slack environment trying to get the other person to laugh. Yeah. Because it's inappropriate, which makes it really funny. Now, it was, if you're the one who gets someone else to break while they're during the meeting, I think that's all the judge is doing. Now, if you're the bailiff, you're standing there to the side. And you're trying not to break.

Your watch buzzes, you know, you get that text on your watch and you just look up, says he's sweating through his jacket. You're just like, yeah. Now the problem here. The judge is just side-eyeing you. I'm not sure the Oklahoma judge would have had to step down had it been traffic court, but this was a murder trial over the killing. I didn't even want to get into the details.

But they were mocking the prosecutors. They were sprinkling emojis throughout the texts. And it was over 500 of them. And it wasn't just during the trial. It was during jury selection. It was just who he was. He is. It's just who that judge is. So, um, judge text message.

Yeah. Some of this stuff I can't even read, but it was, um, it was like, is this real life? The fact that you get the texting judge that's making fun of parts of your trial while you're, because they're so bored. Wow. And the statement, hold on. Let me see if I can find the statement here. Um, here is the statement from the judge about the resignation. Oh, great. I promise to uphold the constitution in a fair, even handed, inefficient manner. the judge said in the resignation letter.

I believe that I have done so. However, being human, I have also faltered. So you haven't done it. So being human... I did everything right, but I didn't. I like the fact that being human meant I couldn't withstand the temptation to send over 500 texts. To which another prosecutor might say to that judge, there are no non-human judges. Just so you know, they are all human.

That's right. And they all have to choose to not send 500 texts during a murder trial. Okay, well, I'm sorry that that's real life. That that is real life. I'll go next year since you had a murder trial and mine deals with an unfortunate death. Canadian family receives wrong body after father died on Cuban vacation. they the father goes on a vacation to Cuba unfortunately dies on the beach and this family sucks has to spend $10,000.

What? I've heard that this happens. The body. Yep. To send the body from Cuba to, I mean, you're sending a human body across the planet. That can't be cheap. Leave me there. Hey guys.

Well, they did. That's the worst part. That's the point. Because unfortunately... A random other person shows up? A random... Not just a random other person. So they spent $10,000 to have the body returned to the family. However, the casket arrived late last week containing the body of a Russian man who was at least 20 years younger than this person. Unlike her father, the body also had a head.

head full of hair and tattoos. So this was like, this wasn't like, oh, man, whoops. This was a totally different, not at all the right person. You know that this was a big mistake and you know that your father had died. But when you open that casket and it's a rush and do with tattoos, do you have a split second where you're like, maybe he's okay? Oh, yeah. Depending on what they saw beforehand, it's like, that's not my dad.

You start dancing. Well, see, here's the other side of this that I... Like he is dead, though? Yeah, he is dead. Okay. The other side of this, though, when I first read the article, like, Canadian family receives wrong body after father died on Cuban vacation. This is not a problem for one family.

This is a... There's someone else who was sick. Wait, this is like a swip swap, right? I don't know, but my... Is there a body in Russia that's the dad? That's, I know. That I don't think happened. I think they set the wrong one, but the point is there's a...

there's a Russian family that obviously did not receive their body. Do you just move ahead with the funeral? Closed casket. No, no, no. He wanted it open. Wait, no, you can't have an open casket of a different person. You can do the bottom. You can do the bottom half open.

You got to roll with the bush just his legs. That's fair. Just a Wizard of Oz type of death. He loved these pants. Put on, yeah, you could dress him in the, all right. Well, that's unfortunate. I hope the Cuban government rectified that. Let's figure that out.

I don't know about that. Mine's kind of a two-part story. A little bit heartwarming here at the end. That's good. But, you know, it starts off. This is from Tacoma, Washington, back in July. And a person had to call up the police

because, like, right around their property, there was a finger. Like a human finger. A human finger. Yeah, heartwarming. Oh, just hold on. This is so nice. Well, I just so imagine you find the guy from Cuba.

You find a human finger, like, just chilling on your driveway. Not great. I mean, I would freak out. I mean, I think we all would, but like, I know I can put myself in that situation. I'm, I'm, I check the mailbox. I'm walking up for the door. What's your first? Scream, 100%.

Okay. I see it. I would scream without a doubt. Then number two, what do you do? I'd go, I'd go get Tiff. I don't know. I mean, like, these people called the police. I don't know if that's my initial reason.

Oh, that's what I would do instantly. Oh, yeah. The sooner the police know that I know about the finger on my front porch. I had nothing to do with this. I was like, I found a finger. Yeah, sure you didn't. Yeah, I would definitely call 911, but I feel like I would, I would incorrectly want an ambulance first. For you?

No, I mean, someone needs an ambulance. They're missing a finger. In paramedics, I found a harder. There was no blood around the finger. Huh. So you wouldn't just like keep kicking it till it's on your, on my neighbor's land. You broom it over? Not my problem.

But anyway, so this, this became a story in the local news. And then the guy called it. Wait, what do you mean? The dude missing a finger? Has anyone, like a lost and found? So, which kids listen up. Apparently said man was. inappropriate with fireworks,

blew off a fingee, and he, like got shot into the air? He didn't know where it went. Oh my gosh. He didn't know where his finger went. This was a true lost and found finger. No,

but he saw the story and then he called in. He said, I think that's my finger. And did he get it reattached? Oh, that I don't know. Oh, okay. I don't think so. It doesn't sound like it was on ice.

This is probably a dead finger at that point. Oh, my God. But this is like, Like you make the joke like, oh, I lost a finger and be like, oh, where to go? Yeah. No, I have no idea. I lost my finger. Wow.

So what was the heartwarming part? The guy called in. He said, hey, that's my finger. The heartwarming part was the heartwarming part was that this guy found out where his finger went, but I doubt he got it back. It's not that arm warming. Listen, if we can do anything on this show, please, please, please don't play with fireworks. Yeah. It is the dumbest thing you could ever do.

The stories every year that we would never share are so freaking scary. Just don't do it. It's also not like it's not just exclusive to the hillbillies and rednecks and people make a dumb decision. It's like, I know a fireman who has blown off. Yeah. Or melted his hand. Yeah, I mean, they're like, yeah, let's just watch the fireworks. You know, and you'd never want to do something where if someone told your story, the end of it was goofing around with fireworks.

No. Like you don't want that to be where your life led to. All right. One more break here and we're getting into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are into our draft for the day, which is the best animal movies. And we have decided, you know, this has to be a movie where the predominant.

theme or character is an animal. Now we have included or we're allowing animated films. We are. But this is not about a movie where the lead character just happened to have a dog in the house and it's not about an animal.

The animal needs to be an important or crucial part of this movie. If someone came up to you and said, hey, what's a good animal movie I could watch? You're not saying the Wizard of Oz because Toto's in it. Right. Yeah.

All right, Mike. You get the first pick. Well, mine is not just one animal. There are three animals. They are the main characters of said story. I believe it was based on a true story. But I feel like almost every 90s movie when we were kids were like, oh, yeah, no, it's Fifele goes west. There's just a bad, like, it's based on a true story of two dogs and a cat.

The family goes somewhere else. And somehow these animals managed to find the family again. They have gone home. They have bounded home in Homeward Bound, with one of the... That's an old classic. One of the ultimate gotchas at the end where they try and punch you right in the emotional face. I love the idea.

I don't know it. I love the idea that you think... Oh, well, it's... Like the true story part of... If that's a true story... I'm going to check. I'll double check that. Let me just tell you. I'm going to break the news to it. If it's a true story, here's the true parts. They lost their dogs and cat.

And then they showed up at the house. all the story of their there's no way to... Oh man, it's not even based on a true story. Mike, all the things that happen in the movie are three animals. They can't account for their whereabouts to you. They didn't write a story about them crossing the river.

But I... They just showed back up at home. I literally just as I'm trying to find my, my, uh, is this true life story? This happened with a cat. Like this just happened that the cat got lost in a, uh, one of the national. parks and the people looked for days

and couldn't find it so eventually they had to go home back to California and then the cat found them. That's insane. So like this has happened but apparently this one like I said, it's not based on a In Homeward Bound, do they talk? Yeah. Do the animals talk? 100%. Yeah. But it's not based on a

true story. They talk to each other. The humans don't understand what the animals are saying. Yeah and there's no like lips moving and stuff. It's almost like it's in their head. Wait, hold on. The AI overview of the Google search says it's not based on a true story. But then down here, according to Oakland

veterinary referral services, the popular film Homeward Bound is actually based on a true story. I don't know anymore. It's based on a true story because of the fact that a dog has been lost and found their way home before. Yeah, but all the little dogs. All the hijinks that they go through in the movie, we know nothing about. All right.

Homeward Bound. I'm going to go a little bit more well-known, popular, awesome. It is also coming out soon again in live action form. Taking the Lion King, man. The Lion King is the best. It already did come out, but that's, that was a long, long time ago. You're thinking of the, like, there's a new scar. Years ago.

Oh, that's what it is. Yeah, the Lion King is, when I think of like the movies that I actually enjoy that are animal-based, like that's the first thing that comes to mind. Yeah, Lion King is top tiered Disney movie. It would have been, it would have been on my double picks here. All right. My first one, um, you guys decide if it's okay.

I think I have two picks that you're not going to want me to make. Okay. Or that you're going to feel like don't fit the mold. All right. But I think they both do. Pet Cemetery is about animals. Yes. Pick number one is Jaws.

Yeah, that's fine. It's on my list. Pick number one is Jaws. One of the greatest movies ever made, Central character. Jaws. Yeah, I mean, if the name of the movie is the animal. Yeah.

Okay, we'll allow it. Now, my second one, I had to Google this because I'm dumb. I did Google, is this an animal? Wait, wait a what? I can't wait to find out what. And you can veto it. I'm giving you full, just quick veto it. It's fine.

Jurassic Park. And because when I Googled is, now I'm getting a nod. That's an animal movie. It is a dinosaur, an animal. Yes is the answer. Yeah, yeah, 100%. I mean, technically speaking, human beings are animals. Right, yeah, so brave, brave heart.

It's about humans. Well, actually. That's my son does a lot of time. I mean, sure. Sure. I mean, to me, it's the, I mean, this is my fabulous too. And Al Borland, you're in on that? I'm in on it.

All right, Jurassic Park, it is. Wow. I don't like that pick, but because it's a great pick. You know what I'm saying? I'm just upset. you got it because I feel like Did you know dinosaurs or animals? I did know dinosaurs or animals. I'm having a hard time with knowing

what an animal is today. Which is incredible. I just feel like you know. What else? Let me just throw this out there. If it wasn't an animal, what would you have called it? A dinosaur. I thought dinosaur might have been at the top level. Like an animal dinosaur.

Genus dinosaur. Yeah. Like is this common knowledge it for everybody back then? What would you think a crocodile is? Repetite. Okay. What do you think a reptile is? An animal. Okay.

All right. A dino animal. Dine animal. Everybody back there knew they were animals? Yes? We got one. We got one that wasn't sure. Well, look, I'm going to go kind of on the tail of that in the sense that this is not a currently living, nor ever living animal, but definitely an animal.

Without a doubt. I'm going how to train your dragon. How to train your dragon is a one. Wonderful movie. Wait, we're accepting Jurassic Park but now how to trade your dragon? Literally dragons don't exist. Yeah, is there a- That's not an animal. Are there a dragon fossils somewhere? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, they don't exist. Okay, so let me ask you this. Is, so you're saying a unicorn's not an animal. Correct. My little pony, uh, those, those, that's not an animal. That's not a show about a girl's animals. The, I mean, that's a, that's not the worst. Okay. No, that's not the worst argument.

It's a decent argument. It's a good argument. I, you know what? These people, I think you persuaded me. They lived their lives around these animals and learning how to ride them. I mean, that's the, I don't know, man. So you guys decided. This is why I didn't want to say Jurassic Park is because I was worried we'd go down the wrong road. I wasn't even worried that this wasn't an animal movie.

It is more of an animal movie than Jurassic Park. Yeah. And I think Jurassic Park was an animal movie. Yeah, that's the point. It's like if you think of an, no one watches Jurassic Park and thinks of it as an animal movie. How to Train Your Dragon is all about the relationship between the animals and these people. It's an animal movie. All right.

I'm going to accept it. I'm going to accept the judge. Okay. Great pick. Sure, man. Mites is the only true animal movie so far. Fine. Let's keep that.

We'll keep it rolling. We're going 90s style. Free willy, baby. Three Willie. I thought I'd take it later. Free willy. I mean, how many marine biologists do we have in the world because of free will. Honestly, the end of

that's true. That's true. It has to be in part because of free willy. Like our love for the orca whales and then we saw how sad they are with their dorsal fins tipped over and we said we shall not stand for this anymore. It took a while, but we grew up

and we got there. So wait, it is the only problem. Also that that Michael Jackson song, that thing rips. So all the other animals Oh me. Don't stop there. Jordan. That is a good song. And that was very good and that you know animal movies were big in the 90s yes they were and so that's a

great pick it was on the list i've never seen it if animals what is going where did you grow up dude i didn't like animal movies growing up homeward bound yeah free will it this is that's trouble that's trouble um he was watching like i was watching braveheart i was watching older he was older he was much older um so so so if we if we had other animals that had dorsal fins though they could get out is that what we're saying Is the dorsal fin the only thing that really, like... Well, the dorsal fin, like if a monkey's tail went sideways in captivity, we would have let it free? Well, the monkeys have a lot more space.

The problem is that the orc whale is gigantic. So you're cool? Here's a pool. Like, would you expand the pool until the fin straightens out? Hey, if we can get there. I mean, that's like a lake. You know what I mean? Like, if you put an orc in a lake, that might be good enough.

Yeah, I don't know. The lack of seawater will probably die. Well, I'm just saying salt lake, you know, like the city. All right. Mike, you get another pit. I'm still up here. Mike, Jason wants to put all, all the whales in freshwater lakes. I am going, man, I really wanted to just stay with these 90s ones to stick it to your.

There's more. There are. But you guys are over here doing weird picks. No, no, no, no. I'm coming back to where you're at. It doesn't matter. I'm taking Zootopia. Oh, no, no. that was my next pick.

Zootopia. So good. Is that a good movie? It's so good. It is so good. It is an outstanding movie that does not get enough credit for like the anime. Did they make more than one of them? Currently just the one.

I don't think so. So that's surprising. They might be doing, there might be a sequel, but it's the, uh, the main movie, huh? Oh, no, it's, it's fantastic. The main characters are so good. I'm trying to think of who's the fox voice. Jason Bateman? Yeah, Jason Bateman.

Oh my gosh. I love Jason Bateman. Interesting. All right, Jason, you're back up. All right, well, Zootopia was next on my list. I think it is a really underrated movie. So now I'm trying to think what is either nostalgic or classic or just popular. I've seen a lot or what is the best?

Because I've got three movies I'm deciding between. It's either nostalgic and nostalgic. It's called Best Animal Movie, so you should go with the best. Well, if it's the best, then I'm going to take that. Next. Because it is the best animal movie. And no one's going to pick it here. Yeah, here comes some Bigfoot movie.

So I'm going to go. I'm going to go with Finding Nemo. Okay. I'll go under the sea. That's fine. Andy, our fish animals. They're fishes. It was on my list.

All right. I have no. I'm just trying to test your animal. I have no idea if they're animals. All right. Good to know. I think everything's an animal. Yeah.

That's what I need to remember. Are trees an animal. Andy. All trees. What, animal plant or mineral? Isn't that the twy questions? It's been a long time

since that has been at the forefront. All right. Finding Nemo would have been my next pick. So I'm going to go with I'm going to go with back-to-back dinosaur picks. I'm going with land before time.

Yeah. Land before time, going back to the 90s, That was just, that was like one of my favorite movies ever. But a little bit traumatic. Oh, yeah, also devastating. Devastating, but also. Was that Bloom? Was that Don Bloom? Is that his name?

Goodness, I don't know what you're talking about. No one does. Bluth. Don, it was a Don Bluth? Is that a writer? That was the, an artist? That was the, he was, no, he's the guy who did the insurance salesman? Did he do land before time?

Yes. Like the music? He directed it. No, he was like an animator. He got all those dinosaurs to do those. things. Directed and executive, I'm sorry, it was a Spielberg produced,

but yes, directed by Bluth. Yeah, but Bluth did like Secret of Nim. Like, no one's going to take it, but all dogs go to heaven. Dragonslayer. Don Bluth did some good work. Well, I told you I was going to get back on your level, Mike, but now I'm feeling like

I might just stick where I'm at. Stick with dinosaurs. Best dinosaur movies. I would never go to any sort of like mythical. But anyway, Planet of the Apes is my pick. Oh, that's a good one. That's actually Which one?

Which one? Oh, that's true. Oh, gee. Oh, okay. So, what is that? What is that? What is that? The Heston movie?

Yeah. That is. Yeah, the new ones suck. No, no. I don't think so. I just watched the most recent one. Yeah, they did. They did.

But I'm not choosing one of the most recent ones. No. Look, it is rare. How do you train your dragon five? You can mock all you want. But my next book. I love that movie. I just didn't think of it as an animal movie.

My next pick. Because it's about hiccup. My next pick is a sequel. It is very rare for a sequel to be better than the original, but this is not just better than the original. This is an all-time movie. Is it a bear movie? You darn right it is.

99% rotten tomato score. Paddington 2 is elite. Paddington 2 is so good. It's unbelievable. And if you haven't seen Paddington 2, do yourself favor. tonight. Can you skip the first one? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. But Paddington one, very good. Very good. Yeah, don't hear what we're not saying. Paddington one was not bad. Paddington two is just a perfect movie. It's on my list. And I was deciding my last pick,

do I go with this or do I take Paddington two? Because Paddington two, people need to understand that this is like grown into the mythology of Paddington two has grown. And it is warranted. It's just, you feel good when you're watching Paddington 2. I was, I was deciding between these three movies and you pointed to that screen and you said, take the best movie. I knew what the best movie was. I'm shocked it was on your list. I figured that could be my last pick, no problem.

I hate it when I'm the one that jumps the literal shark with my picks. My picks suck. None of them are freaking animal movies. Yeah. Just land before time. Yeah, land before time's an animal movie. Wait. The rest aren't.

What's your final pick, Mike? Are we getting a Paddington in Peru? Yeah, January, 2025. Baby. Paddington 3. When we do this draft, next time I'm taking Paddington 3. I'm sure of it. All right.

These guys are so funny. All right. What's your final pick, Mike? You said you were down to 2 and he took one of them. Yeah, he did. Because that was definitely an animal movie. This one's about, look, one of the main characters turns into an animal. So that is good enough for me.

Nine lives with Kevin Spacey. Now, Emperor's New Groove, baby. Emperor's New Grove, when Kusko gets turned into a llama and it. Emperor's New Groove is like... Is that a good movie? Goofy movie is my favorite Disney cartoon. Emperor's New Groove is a very close second. I did not... I've not seen either one.

Oh, man, Emperor's New Groove is so funny. It's so well done. I mean, the characters in that are... It's David Spade and Goodman. That's an animal movie? Yeah, because David Spade turns into a llama. Lama face. Is that the main character?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and if you heard the story about that thing, Jay, where, like, they basically recorded the whole movie without a script. What? And then once, like, things were done, they, like, were trying to compile a script for it. It's weird. I don't know how that's possible, but it's hysterical.

The story of how that movie got made. is very wild. All right, what's on our list? What's on our leftovers here? Oh, Kung Fu Panda. That's on my list. If we were going to stick. Jungle Book. Yeah, Jungle Book. If we were going to stick with those Milo notice,

the live ones. Oh, yeah. That was in the Homer Boundary. Yeah, yeah. But I had both White Fang and Iron Will on the list. Iron Will, I remember that. Yeah. Charlotte's Web? Charlotte's Web for sure is on my list. Airbud was the nostalgic. I mean, the basketball

playing dogs? Of course you haven't seen. the good movies, but you've seen Air Bud. I don't think I've ever seen Air Bud. Me neither. Or any of the sequels. It's one of my greatest features. I'm not going to lie to you. I've never seen it even.

Oh, okay. Never seen that. 101 Dalmatians? Is that a movie? Yeah. Those are 1001 of them. Dogs are animals. I had Jumanji.

Not an animal movie. There's just animals in it. Yeah. Oh, okay. The Meg. Okay. Which I wouldn't apparently be allowed to pick because, well, no, Megalodon is real.

We were fine with that. Okay. Cujo. And all dogs go to heaven. Yeah. I didn't think anyone would have it on the list. That's why I threw it out there with Bluth. He did that too.

I wasn't allowed to watch that movie. Oh, no. Because of the hell. Yeah. Heaven and hell. Yep. All right. Homer, Bound, Free Willy, Zootopia,

and Emperor's New Groove are mics. Jason is the Lion King, How to Train Your Dragon. Finding Nemo. Yeah, you heard that in my voice. Paddington, too. apparently the world's greatest film. I have Jaws Jurassic Park, Land Before Time, and Planet of the Apes. And that does.

That does it. What did we learn today? I learned that blowing out another kid's candles is very disrespectful. You learned that. I learned that today. I didn't really walk through that exercise until today. And then I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I learned that Imperus Negruv is an animal movie.

Oh, man. And it's apparently very good. I learned don't get on an elevator if a man is facing backwards. With a big smile? No, at all. I'll never find out. I love Michael Keaton. That'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers.

Shout out to Al Borland and the Deucers. Thank you for holding it down. Back with another one next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you.