Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Mike’s Best Day & Things That are Orange - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

Spit Hit for February 5th, 2026:Mike has his best day ever and takes over the episode in what might go down as one of the most memorable shows we’ve done. Would You Rather, a round of Ballerdash and a Things That are Orange draft got nothing on him. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skibbittipit bop. Don't stop. I got the wrist. And I'm late. That's so easy. Terrible.

He started so late. This is why I'm not a musician, guys. I was like, is his mic not working? I thought so too. I did hear like a click. Oh, no. Okay, I think he could have gotten there if he just started on time. Oh, man.

I don't know what he did because doing it late made it so great. Thank you, Papa Josh. And Jason, I'm sure, is the most. I think, I got the Riz was in there somewhere. That was the whole point. I did like that he finished it with, I'm late. That's the hard part, Papa Josh, is that you get one shot. You get one crap.

it gets in your head. You think I don't want to get off beat. I've had times when I thought I knew what I was going to say and then you realize you're off rhythm. No, it's not so easy. Yeah. I don't know if you got the Riz, but thank you for jumping in. Welcome to the spitballers episode 325, Papa Josh's debut. I would say every 325 episodes, he's good to go on the scat.

It's another five years. I'm guessing he's going to want redemption. Oh, yeah. The next two episodes. It could be like the full-time guys. Would you rather? That's a great question. And we are drafting the worst places to be stuck overnight. Worst places to have to spend the night is the draft on today's show. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting the show. The website is spitballerspod.com. You can learn how to become an official spitwad.

Submit your questions to the show. Share your feedback with us and support the podcast if you enjoy it. Go over to spitballerspod.com and become a. spitwad. Let's get it going. Would you rather? All right, Brianna from the website, or actually this is from Patreon, says, Would you rather have a free house, free food, and every single one of your basic needs completely covered for free? Okay. So all necessities covered.

Yep, house, food, every basic need. Or would you rather have an army of 1,000 loyal dwarves who will do whatever you command. Okay. All right. What? So an army, a thousand of them,

and they do whatever I command. Like, would you be able to get all your basic needs met with an army of a thousand small dwarves? For sure. How big is a dwarf? Just to define the term, because I don't know.

This is like Lord of the Rings stuff, right? Yeah. And my axe. Yeah, they got to have a beard. That's like rule. I mean, if they're at working age,

they've got a long beard. right? How soon do dwarves get their beard? Is that puberty or is that from birth? I got to think it's like 12. Like 12 years old. They got a big beard and I imagine they live. I mean they live underground, right? Dwarves, Mike? Between, sorry, I'm on height. And they do, yeah, they live in the mountain.

Yeah, or under the mountain. Or under the mountain. Yeah. In the minds. But not under the ground, right? There has to be a mountain above them for some reason. Even if they're down beneath the ground level. They like mining. Right. And mountains have a lot of... Yeah, mountains are where the... It's all the metal is.

Jason, you know this. Of course. Yes, I do. Of course. They call them metal mountains. So, I mean... Between four and five feet is what I am seeing. What?

Between four and five feet. That's incredible. At first, I thought you meant beneath the earth is where they... No, no, no, no, no. It's not very far down. According to author J.R. Tolkien, dwarves are on average between four and five feet tall. Yeah, they're subterranean. They're four to five feet tall is not that short.

No, it's not really not. I think in lower dwarves, sometimes they could be smaller. They're always hefty, though. There's never a skinny, there's not a skinny dwarf. They're strong. They're swinging that axe. Because of all the mining. You have to dig constantly.

Also, think about, so if you've got a thousand, and I like that it's called an army. I really do. Just means, like, you know, it's not like a thousand workers. I've got a thousand soldiers. But they'll also still work. I feel like I can make a lot of businesses here. That's what I was going to say. It's about business.

Can you get the- Oh, I hadn't love to that at all? You got to get the revenue to get the free house, free food, basic needs met. I feel like the house, they take care of the house. A thousand workers, they'll build you an underground. You'll be insulated by the earth. Are you okay with that, though? You want to live under the mountain?

No skylights. I got a skylight? No way, man. I wanted a skylight. You can't have one. Do I get lights at all? I mean, I get a- Yeah. It doesn't have to just be like a torch, right?

Can I run an extension cord? An extension cord? Yeah, you can, you can, we're not. This is modern day. Yeah, this is today. If I had a thousand dwarves down the street, building me a house, they're running an extension cord down there. No, but no, dwarfs can't handle electricity. Oh, they, I feel like if they're-

I'll handle the electricity, all right? I'll do that part. You'll hire an electrician to help with all the, the dwarf mansion. You got smelting? They got that no problem. They got smelting. They'll carve it out for me. But circuits and...

Can they get me? Are they good at getting food? Yeah, they can hunt, I'm sure. What do do you do for food? No one ever talks about this. There are any things to eat under the ground? I would imagine they hunt. Yeah.

I mean, they don't just live underground. They can go outside. I don't think the dwarves are going out much. Then maybe not much. I mean, it's like, you know, how often are you outside, Andy? Andy, how often are you outside? Um, what do you want? Like a amount of hours?

a day? Yeah, how many hours a day are you outside? 24 hours a day, how many hours? On an average day? Let's say in the summer. Okay. Not much. Not much. An hour. Zero point what? Hour in the pool. Right, exactly. So it's like,

that's no different. Just because you live underground, they're going to spend time outside when they need to spend time outside. One of these is going to be my driver, right? Can you farm underground? Dwarfs can't drive. Dwarst can't drive. They're four feet tall. No, I don't, I don't care about the height. I'm just going upon this is what they actually know how to do.

But a thousand of them could carry you everywhere. That they could do. They could carry you like a kind of a crowd surfing transportation model. I'm going to teach one to drive. Which one of you? Yeah, you just have to get them a small vehicle. Yeah, I do think that having an army would be worth it. And if I, because they're an army, if my house cannot be, you know, they can't generate enough revenue, I think I could take someone else's house with an army.

And then therefore, I have a free house. I just, yeah, I mean, dwarves to me, they're so mysterious. They're always hidden. No one knows they exist. That's how they survive. They're so little. I feel like they must get their food underground. I'm still on the food.

You're on the underground. So they're only eating potatoes and onions and carrots. Yeah. No, they're so sturdy. They've got to be getting good protein. You think they're taking down like a deer and bringing it back underground? I think so. That's a long way to go.

They don't have elevators and stuff, right? No. So you've got to walk out of the mine? You said they don't know electricity. Yeah, but you can make an elevator without electricity. Oh, like a pulley system. Yeah, Jason, Jason. There was machines.

Don't act too surprised here. There are machines that don't use electricity. What? How do you think people got down into mines before they could install? Ladders, long ladders. Doesn't need a generator. Just need something real heavy. Okay.

So we're going to dwarves. Yeah, I'll take the army. Charlie from the website. You're taking the army? Yeah, I'm taking the army. You don't want all those needs, Matt, Mike? I do. I'm taking all the free stuff.

Okay. Okay. Jason wants the power. I'm going to get all the free stuff I want with an army. Would it have changed if I just told you their workers? yeah so the word army is what you actually yeah i want an army yeah that'd be awesome um charlie from the website your army's not taking over nothing my army's not gonna do anything i'm not gonna send them to war or battle i'm not going to hurt anyone

but i have an army you want to have yes i want to have an army yeah yes that would be i mean who of us among us like we're not just a thousand axe carrying dwarves yeah So long as I don't have to feed them. They self-sustained, you know, they can feed themselves because that's a lot of money. Right, but where are they going to live here? On the ground. Digging here is very difficult. We got that caliche or whatever it is.

Yeah, in Arizona, hard to dig. No basement homes. I got a question. I got a question for you guys. Is that real? Okay. Or is this bulk crap by big pool in Arizona where they're like, hey. This is just a, let me set the table because no one.

aren't earth knows what you're talking about. There's a very geographically specific. None of our homes, very few homes. I won't say none. Very few homes have basements. A lot of places in the country, people have basements. We also have lots of pools and very hard ground and granite and hard rock. And this rock that Mike is talking about is like Kalichi, which is a really dense hard rock that pool companies charge you 4x to blow out of the ground so that they could put a pool in.

Except they quote you one thing. Here's what they do. They come in and they say, I'm going to build this pool. I design it. It's great. It's, uh, it's $20,000. This pool is $20,000. Now, if we run into Kalichi, if we, I don't know if it's here or not.

I just did your neighbor's pool. We didn't run into any. Oh, that is always. Yeah. Um, yeah. But if we run into it here, I've got to get different machinery. Yeah. It's much a harder dig.

It's, yes, now classified. They literally call it a hard dig. A hard dig. Hard dig. Yeah. And so I'm going to have to. It's too hard for us. I have to hire.

They never give us an easy dig discount. They're not like this one was a breeze. Here's half off. Yeah. He's like, I got to hire twice as many dwarves to get this pool dog. Right. And it's got to be complete nonsense.

It's got, I mean, everywhere here. They're microscopically examining the soil. There's a little bit. I hit a rock. I hit a rock. I hit a rock. Charge him quadruple.

Yeah. No, that is a real thing. They're all sham artists. Not pool artists. As you normally would call them. You guys want to move on to the next question? Yes. Charlie from the website,

would you rather be able to see through physical things, clothes, walls, doors, or be able to see through figurative things, lies, false promises, fake feelings, dishonesty. Oh man, this is so easy. Because I can tell you right now,

I don't think I want. want to see through the lies, the fake feelings. You don't. You want to live in your fake bubble. You want to live in a world where you are lied to. I think in, well, I do live in a world where I'm lied to. We all do. And I, like, I am not a proponent for lying or saying that that's good and right and that's how it should be. But it is the world we live in. And I don't know if we could handle as human beings knowing everyone's genuine thoughts. I just don't know if we could handle it. It's not, you're not knowing.

You're not a mind reader. It is what they are sharing with you. Let me give you a hypothetical example. Okay, totally hypothetical. Let's say you're meeting with a pool company. And they say, yes. And they say to you, you know what? We're charging you for a hard dig no matter what,

you say. That's the kind of company we run. Other companies might be honest. We're not. Would you like to hire us? That would be a situation where you could say, no, I do not. You're a liar. You're lying, you're faking me out. I want to hire somebody else. But then you're going to get the next person that comes and they're going to say the same exact thing. And then the next person is going to say the same. And you're just going to be like, man, this sucks. This world sucks. Why is everybody bad? You are, you already believe that. You already believe that. Yeah. You already believe Yeah. You already live in that world. Right now you already believe that everybody's a liar.

And that is not a world that's fun to live in. But you don't know. You don't know which ones are not the liars. Because they're sprinkled throughout. Some people are honest. Yes. They are honest people. Hard workers.

I don't know about that. The dwarves for one. Well, sure. Yeah, they can't lie, right? They have an honor system. Yeah. So look. That's what I'm taking.

That would be. To see through the kind of false promise. That would be, fake feelings. It would be so incredible. Yeah, you don't like pretense. You don't want some like. Well, I'm like, it's when you have that, it's literally you can trust everything you hear. There would be so much.

You just, you know, I mean, you're not actually hearing the truth, but you know the truth. Imagine living in a world where you know. That would feel good. All. You know what is true and what is not true. Man, that would be. You're just saying you would know when people are telling the truth. You don't know.

everything that's true. It doesn't give you special knowledge. But I know that I know when it's a lie. I don't even know how helpful seeing through walls and doors is. I mean, like are you playing a first person shooter? I guess that would be helpful. Because wall hacks are very good.

I mean, I guess you could translate that into actual armed force. I mean, it just doesn't do me a lot of good to look at that like giant bank vault and be like, yeah, there is money in there. Like I think I know there's money in there. Where's the cash?

Right. Hold on. Let me use my X-ray vision. It's in the. register. I found it. That big thing, Mark, money? It's in there. Just so you know, I know how many 20s you got in there. You know, okay, let me tell you this. You're, you just glance over towards the kitchen and you're like, I don't know, what's in the fridge? I can see. I know what's in the fridge from all the way from over here. Now you don't have to pay for that stupid upgraded window.

Right? What is that thing all about? Is that thing working out for the fridge companies? I don't, it's so special. The window. We're talking about the fridge with the, the window where you go you go knock knock on the window you see the sign. Hello, Mr. Fridge. You know, it's more valuable would be. Is there any milk in there? Like a really good camera that you can just see everything on your phone. Those, those exist now.

I don't have one of the, I do have the knock, knock, knock. You have a knock, knock. I have a knock, knock. How often are you going knock knock? I, I don't use it. I don't use it. Knock, knock, fridge. You never use it.

I have never, ever. I mean, when I first got it, you do it out of novelty. The knock, knock, knock, fridge is this ability. I can see through the front of my fridge. Who cares? Except I got to stand there. I got to be right there. This needs to be how the superpower works.

You have to walk up to the wall. And knock knock knock, knock. Mr. Money, are you in there? Okay, hold on. I do want to figure out a good use case essentially for this X-ray vision. Where would it be actually valuable? I mean, when you're in high pressure, like war situation, Which I don't find myself in often.

You have an army and you don't find yourself in war. I told you. The army takes care of that. He's not in the war. No, no, no. But like in our normal, real lives. When do I need to see through stuff? When would it be helpful?

I'll tell you one thing that would be really helpful for me. There's some traffic around the corner. There's genuinely helpful. I am so comically a scarty cat. Like, my reactions are absurd. Just the over the top You know the videos You'll be scrolling reels

And you'll see scare videos Where people have these Ridiculous reactions That's me That's me every time If your wife just filmed those You would have a poppin Instagram channel

Shut your mouth Shut up Yeah but I Being able to know If someone is around a corner For me is literally just I don't have to scream I don't have to walk around the corner

And scream You would be an incredible scaringer yourself. Oh, I know exactly when they're coming. No, no, dude, like the other day, I, we were in the office. I tried to get one of our employees Schneider. I noticed. Oh, you tried to scare him. Yeah, like, the light, snuck behind the door. He was like, he left his light off in his office. I was like, well, it's already dark. Okay, I'm going to hide behind the door. Only he noticed that the door was slightly more ajar than when he had left. So I got totally busted, but it's like, you would be a better criminal. You would. You would. Because when you're

being pursued, you'd know where everybody was at all times that are coming after you. You know how easier it would be to win at hide and seek? I mean, on both sides, both sides, because as the seeker, I'm going to find you immediately. Is there a professional hide and seek? Yes, there is. So you could win like $1,000 a year on that? More than that, I saw this. You could see through the ground to see if Kalichi's in there.

Yeah, that's right. I could still prove a loan. You've worked for a pool company. It's not. This is more dirt. I refuse to know. We find out that that is not a real thing ever. Did you really dig footings, Al?

Yeah, I did. And it's real. Kalichi? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's very difficult. Is there anywhere where it is not existing in Arizona? Yes.

No, no, no, but is there anywhere where they are going to dig a pool where it doesn't exist? Probably not. Yeah. Are they stopping on purpose of inventing a machine to cut through this so they can keep the hard dig costs? But it's like they forget to bring that one. Oh, yeah. Just bring that one. You know the pool.

The major pool companies, they own that machine. They're not renting. They own that machine. They're just like, yeah, but I got to go back and get the other one. I didn't gas it up this morning. All right. I got one more for you guys. Sienna from Twitter writes in,

Would you rather have every song you hear for the rest of your life. Always be an absolute perfect match for your current mood. Okay. That's good. So that's kind of like your own movie soundtrack or something, right? Yeah, a little bit. Or just, you know, when you're upset, sometimes you want to, you're like, I got to get it out. I got to put the emo on.

Oh, okay. So more of it. Close tonight will be the night. Sometimes you got to do that, man. You ever hear that come on? You're like, I didn't know I was in that mood. Or always, so that, so every song perfectly matches your mood or every song always unlocks a forgotten memory or emotion from the past. Because there's nothing, music is magic like that.

Yeah. It is incredible. You will hear. You're a song, an older song, and it will bring you back to where you were when you heard it or how old you were? If you are young right now, let's say you're a teenager. You're talking to me. Got it. If you're a teenager, you don't understand this superpower yet.

Right. Yeah, our parents understood it when we were young and we thought they were dumb. It's incredible when you put on a song that transports you right back to your teenage years. and you're like, oh, I, there's certain songs where I just remember, like, the car I was in, the street I was on, the table I was sitting at, the wherever. The school dance I was at, you know, that type of stuff. I mean, and it, and it doesn't happen that often, but when it happens, it is real, it is powerful, it is emotional. I think that's what I would do. Oh, if I could do that every single time I'd turn on any song, I can have some kind of,

of great memory recalled. I mean, that's like one of the best questions we've ever heard of. Now, Mike, if you had the ability to have a song match your perfect mood, and that's a station, let's say. Right. You just flip that station on. Would you listen to that station all the time? Do you want it to match your mood? A lot, I do.

Okay. But then it becomes the question of, like, sometimes when you're scratching that it, you know, I'm angry. I need some anger music. Do I stay? You stay angry? Do I stay angry or longer? because I'm angry, but a banger comes on. I'm like, oh, yeah, this gives good stuff.

Feed the rage. And then I just end up in a loop. What would be funny is if we each had a station and you could tune into the other person's station to see how they're doing. How is Mike feeling? That would be nice. Oh, don't talk to him today.

You're like, oh, he's actually, he's doing pretty good. It's a beautiful morning. So which one are you going with? I'm going to nostalgia. Yeah, I'm taking the memories for sure. We'll take a break and we've got some more. We'll move on to that. That's a great question.

That's a great question. All right. We'll start here. Paul from the website, you are the last person on Earth. Okay, great. Everything else on Earth is unchanged. I just got up to here. Okay, great.

We did it. We did it, everybody. We did it. Solitude. Yeah, this will be interesting. You're the last person on Earth. The Earth itself is unchanged. So all the stores are still there.

Everything inside them remains unchanged. Everything on earth just poof, right? You're the last person. Would you want one person you know, one person you know to be with you? Or every year, 10 random people spawn right next to you. I have questions. Yes, questions. Okay.

Every year, is it 10 more? Yes. Yes. Oh, well, then that's the answer. you want more you're trying to repopulate are you trying to mate well yeah

I mean a little bit I mean it's just I care about he doesn't need to it's repopulating 10 people at a time man I care about humanity about the human race

biology can't keep up with that you cared about humanity on the spitballers before but I'm just saying like one I just like I refer to him like he's a species are you looking to mate you got to save the earth

so so year 10 random spawns. The first day, the first weekend, the first week when you are completely the last man on earth. Awesome. I agree with you, Mike. Just incredible. But that will, it'll wear off. Quickly wear off and it will become so sad and depressing and lonely. And I think that if you had one other person with you, even if it's the person you're closest to, you love the most, you're going to experience that same thing is not enough people to not become lonely you'll become lonely together and i think sure you know every year having 10 20 30 40 you know people 10 years from now there's

100 people there's a little bit of life happening more things can get done some some you know more than 100 people maybe right because then you have like people making babies sure so you you are rehab, but you lose, you know, anybody that you know. It's 10 random people. It is, and like, what are the odds? Oh, yeah. How many of those people are you going to like?

Yeah. How many people out of 10? 10. I think that's generous. Do you go through the 10 that? Yeah, I think one. Like, do you go through the 10 that spawned and you're like, all right, you, you're Nebraska.

I need, I need you to settle over there. Right. Me and the cool people. Right. We're in Camp Awesome. It's funny because if I was the last person on Earth, the difference between knowing that this was going to happen and not knowing is everything. Like if you knew that 10 people will spawn a year from now, you could go on.

But if you actually thought no one would ever, like you're alone forever and you're like, do you, are you going to want to live? Are you trying to live as long as you can? No, that's a good. That is a legitimate question. If you are completely by yourself. Yeah. Forever. There is no one else there.

And you know it, and you know it. And you know it. There's still animals. Sure, but would you... Just dogs. Would you strive for the longest life possible? Or would you just feel like I don't even want to... I don't even want to live.

That is the... Eventually, you just so... I don't know. What are you living for? It's a great question. It's deep. It is. I mean, but if you knew that there's a hope for somebody to show up...

You're right. You would have a reason to live. The knowledge is powerful. And what... And I want to add something to... this so every year 10 random people spawn right next to you i want to start that first year with none oh you yeah i'm oh i know they're coming so now i got something to live for right but i oh do you do you like spend the year building like houses for these people houses already exist oh i'm not that's true

first of all i'm not capable of building a house so literally can't and come back in five years too much caliche yeah exactly they can uh that's they can have the pick of the litter everything's here I mean, we're all living in mansions, you know? And they spawn on you. So you probably in that year, you just need to get to the best place. Yes. Yeah, you need to get to the ocean. We're hiking to, oh, that's a good point.

You can't stay here. If there's no people, there's no power. I like the idea of Jason all alone trying to get to Hawaii by himself. Oh, I'm sitting here thinking, I'm sitting here thinking I got a walk. Cars still exist. Yeah, you can still use a car. I can get to, I can get to, yeah, for sure. I'm going to the beach.

You can't get into a boat and get somewhere. I can't get into a boat and get somewhere? Do you think you could, like, by myself? By yourself, could you go, I mean, all the boats are abandoned? Could you find one and get to Hawaii? No. No. No.

No. Hawaii? Because they could spawn on you, then you got Hawaii to yourself. That would be ideal. There is no chance. Can you auto pilot a boat? Figure out how to do that? There is no chance I could find Hawaii.

All these people spot on him in the middle of nowhere on a boat. If you gave me. He's been lost. They all just miss the boat. They all go straight in the water. If you gave me. A billion dollars, one billion dollars. Yeah.

But by myself, I can't talk to any human for advice. Yeah. On how to do it. On how to do it. But I have a billion dollars. I can have any resource I want, but completely on my own. I will die before I ever find Hawaii. There's no chance in the world I could find Hawaii.

Is it funny to you to think that this is what the world was? It was people leaving on purpose to find things. That's so insane. They're psychopaths. Right? It's so like, not only do they do that, but they're like, and they leave their families. Like, if I go that direction, am I eventually going to fall off of the planets? That's true.

That's true. There's only one way to find out. Like, no, there's not. Set sail. We will never find that out if I'm in charge. All right. They're like, don't worry, I'll come back. How can you get back?

How do you know how to get back here? I guess I'll take the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, spawn. I feel like we're not defending our like significant others or something here though. Like you would want to be you just want to write it out. I don't need 10 new people to hate every year. Okay. So you're keeping your wife. Yes. Is it is. No, that's the question. Is it white? Yeah, it'll be my wife. Okay. All right. Let's go hear. Aaron from the website writes in your local wizard is back. Oh no. And says

that he can snap his fingers and one of the following two things will happen. Your happy moments and memories will become happier or your sad moments will become less sad. Which do you choose and whatever you choose will happen for everyone else in the world? Ooh, that last part makes it interesting. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I, I, sad moments are important do they weigh more

I don't I I think that when you have sad moments they teach you what happiness is you know what I mean like you don't know happy without sad so I want my happier moments to be happier some people have really sad moments

well that was that that was the part that made it go oh shoot if I could take away the the sad moments the trauma like you just make you don't take them away you're just making, they're less, mitigating the trauma. Yes.

Man, so what's more important? Mitigating the trauma or up in the joy? I mean, I've always said, like you kind of look back, like we all have kids that we had early days when they were born and, you know,

it's hard taking care of newborns and toddlers and stuff. But then, like, now you kind of just don't really think about what was hard back then. Right. So, like, your mind does this a little bit already.

Yeah, it already makes the sad less sad. Right? Time heals all wounds. Yeah, okay. There's a phrase for that. That's fair. That's fair.

So, like, happier moments, like, I remember happy moments with more clarity than sad moments. Really? I think. I feel like most people remember. Maybe I remember nothing. Losses more than wins, bad, more than good. I think there is. But my memory, like, whitewash is away the, like, bad.

Yeah, I mean, if this was just me, if this is just me, it's an easy. I want to pick happy over sad. I don't feel like I've got to experience that. Because you yourself. No, I'm saying I don't have a lot of like sad trauma things that, you know, I wrestle with. But I know a lot of people do. And so it's like it really depends on each person. We're like what, what, you know.

You got to make a choice though. Whatever you choose is going to happen to the rest of the world. I want the world to be happier. I want the world to be happier. So I'm going to choose the happy. But is Al, Al, you're saying more happy for you? Yeah, that's what I would choose as well. Okay.

Is the world happier if happier is magnified or the happier if sadness is mitigated? Oh. I think it's the sadness. I think you mitigate the sadness of in the, look, not a psychologist, not a doctor, but at least the studies I have seen have been like, what's more important to think positive or to think negative less? Right. And the answer that I see the most is think negative less.

I think negative less. Okay. So. Mike convinced me. That's the way I'm going to go. So obviously I've heard that, which makes it fact. Right. No.

I mean. I haven't looked anything up, but it sounds good. Well, that one's heavy. This one's just as important. Kate for page. According to Chad GPT. Oh, no. Just, uh, just, uh, just looking.

You know, I just asked what's, what's more impactful for humans? What does a robot think? Being happier or being less sad. Being less sad would be, would have more impactful effect on humans. There we go. than just being happy. There we go. I mean, if you're less sad, you're also happier.

Right. It is kind of a trick. But your future moments, though, you know what I mean? Future sad moments would be less sad versus future happy moments happier, too. Hmm. Yeah. This one's way, way easier. Kate from Patreon, you'll be able to replace one finger on either hand with one of the following, which do you choose?

A refillable lighter. A six inch. stainless steel blade. Not retracted, just six inches. You're replacing a finger. You're full on like Edward Cisorhers. Yes. A rechargeable 2,000 lumen flashlight.

How big is it? Finger size. Okay. Yeah. All right. A spork. So you got a utensil at all times. Or a Sharpie that never goes dry.

All right. I'm down to two. I'm guessing you're down to the blade. but I don't know the second one I don't want a six inch blade no dude that's unwieldy man that is awful I think

that's gonna cause a lot of problems it's also it's way too big it's not a finger sized knife this is a six I mean just imagine one of your fingers would you go middle finger uh yeah I think so I think it would

it's already your longest it would be like a wolverine claw at that point right which hand dominant or not dominant my right hand which is my stronger arm I write with my left and I can't imagine writing, you know, if you, Oh.

You can't write with this. Which is your stabbing hand. Right. My right hand is my stabbing hand. So no, that one's out for me. I'm between the flashlight and the Sharpie. Okay, but if the Sharpie, so that has to go on. Which finger is the Sharper?

That has to go on your writing hand and then what finger? Yeah. Is it your pointing? Can you, can you manage to write if it's your pinky? I, I would choose my left hand. That's my writing hand. Yeah. Not your stabbing hand.

Not my stabing hand. and I would choose my middle finger because I think when I write like I can No but like if you were signing something with your If you're if you have a touchscreen yeah you sign with your middle finger I I have before I probably Ducks dumb when you do it I I probably use so you go middle finger I'm going to go pointer I'm going to want the pointer I want my pointer I use my pointer all the time

You're going to have to like you have to grab it yeah that's you're going to have to pinch it like it's a pencil You shouldn't have to grab it? You can't just like stick one finger out and... It's a solid Sharpie finger, man. No, but I'm saying your handwriting, like you're going to be writing like not with your wrist. No, I'm good, man. How? So wait, are you considering...

What are you considering besides the Sharpie? The flashlight? I think the flashlight's pretty good. I mean... Yeah? My eyes are so bad. You know... You do have like a phone in your pocket and like a watch that can do flashlight.

Oh. Dude, I'm going, I'm going rechargeable flashlight. Because this thing is metal, right? Or is it a, is this a flashlight made a skin? It's metal. Perfect. Yeah. Because I can still play my guitar.

Now I've got a slide built into my hand. Okay. Nice. So you're going guitar hand. So which hand is your guitar hand or stabbing hand? No, my stabbing hand is my pick hand. Okay, your pick hand is a stabbing hand. So my left hand.

Oh, the slide would get the, yeah. The fret hand. So no, no one needs a. fillable lighter? Are we, are we, are we in a post lighter society? I think so because like, I have a lighter and I have never needed to. Bragg. I'm just saying like, have you ever refilled a lighter? Like we don't, the only time I use a lighter at home is for when we're doing birthday kicks, when we're doing outdoor fire. No, the birthday cake, we got the electronic lighter. Wait, what? Oh, you don't know that? It's like a, it's like a, it basically is like a little taser almost where it works.

the birthday cakes? It has two metal prongs and then you turn it on. I've been using those long, uh, oh, the, the barbecue lighter? Yeah. Ours is a, ours is a rechargeable. It's cool. It's like, you're nodding over there. Has everybody got one of these cool things?

I do. They're great. You use them for, you know, you're lighting a candle. Yeah. It's quick. Yeah, yeah. They're good when camping, too, because in the wind, do they still work great. Well, I'll all be darn.

Can I have one of those instead of a finger? You can have the flashlight. Hmm. Or a, honestly, that one cares about the spork then. I mean my hand is basically a spork Yeah Your hand is basically a spork Well said

It's nature's spork And so the blade No one wants the blade It's too big and too unwheeled Give you think if it was a A blade the size of your middle finger You'd choose it If you told me that it was like a

Swiss Army knife Where my finger is regular But I could flip a blade out of it Okay Now we're on to some Because it's safe you could sleep Yeah You could, because right now, sleeping, you'd have to sheathe it.

Anything, man. Yeah, pockets are doomed. Everything you do is ruined if you have a six inch. Oh, you, do they not let you on a plane? No, there's no way they let you on a plane. Does Wolverine fly? Well, he can retract him. Oh, that's true.

No, but no. Edward Scissor hands ain't getting on planes. His whole bones are grafted with metal. He can't fly. He can fly. Well, in his own private quince jet. No, he can fly on. Yes, American Airlines.

No, he'll go through the metal. I know and it'll buzz and then they'll say okay and then they'll scan him and he'll scan him and they'll see he's got metal in his you think people that have like metal oh yeah metal hips and stuff like that yeah they can't fly because they can't remove their hip that's one tiny area it's not your whole body well I've had a major surgery Mike he did he had a major surgery yeah I'm sorry I've got adamantium you can strip I mean he might need a full strip search I mean you know metal does that show up in the metal detector for sure it does yeah it's the strongest of fake metals the course it does But, I mean, you might. It's the strongest of all fake metal that we've ever invented. I think unobtainium is a little bit stronger. Oh, get out of here. And I hate that name so much. Oh, it's the, it's when I remember the first time I-

Can you obtain it? No. I remember the first time I heard it. Unobtainable. My eyes rolled into the back of my skulls. Like a full 360. Is that a marvel? Is that a Marvel?

No, that's Avatar. It's like James Kierman. That's the best you could come up with. See, look. It's unobtainium. Uses papyrus unobtainium. Yeah. Yeah, he fills in the gaps.

We are falling. So, Mike, you're taking the flashlight? Yeah, I'm going flashlight as well. Would you feel invincible with a blade? No, me neither. Our flashlight is, how bright was it? If I had a 2000 Lumen, that is really good self-defense. That's true. Ain't nobody charged in your eyes.

They can't see nothing. Light man. All right, 2000 Lumen flashlight, it is. Oh, I think we're going to draft now. That worked for you? Yeah. The spitballers draft. All right.

The man who got out of his own scat. Yeah. Gets the draft first. We are drafting the worst places to be stuck overnight. The worst places you'd have to spin the night. Where do you go with number one? There is a number one to me. Really?

That I hope you don't pick. Well, I can't imagine I will. I mean, these are, these are, very subjective yeah they're just you know it's not like

what color do you want this is any place in the world I did have a thought about this because wow you're thinking about that pick what is the worst part in your mind and maybe this will be answered by our answers but what is the worst part of being stuck

someplace overnight is it the fear is it the potential fear of something happening is it the real danger? Yeah, I mean, is it? There's all those. What is it? And comfort. Yeah, I think all of those will apply. And sometimes there are multiple at once. Okay. What are you going?

This is somewhere I'm stuck overnight. That's right. All right. I'll spend the night someplace. This is going to be very specific. Oh, okay. But it really hits everything. I think you're afraid. I think there's real danger. Okay. I think you're very. Al, I'm so afraid this drafts is about to go real bad. You're very uncomfortable. I am stuck on a upside down on a roller coaster.

Okay. Oh, that's a great pit. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Sometimes that happens to people. It's like, oh, we'll be up. We'll be back in the morning. Wait, does that happen?

Yeah, it does. We'll have been. We'll be back in the morning. No, not in the morning. We don't rescue at night. People have been stuck upside down. I can't see you. I don't have a flashlight on my finger.

I picked the night. It was a bad choice. I can cut you out, though. That's a good answer. Okay. And I think that's the level of specificity we're in here. Yeah, that's fine. You get charged extra for a hard rescue.

Okay. You probably do. You probably, they have to bring something special in. You're paying for it on a line item. You want the Jaws of Life or the Jaws of Light 2.0. All right. I'm going with open ocean tiny raft. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Open ocean. If I have to spin the night. I mean, you are in. Getting a sick tan. At the night. What?

That moon is crisping my body. I'm just saying like if I'm stuck out there, I'm trying to make the best of it. The night will turn into morning. That's the night. Yeah, I was thinking all day. Yeah, no, man. I guess it's an overnight draft. It's not worth places to lay out in the sun.

Open Ocean Tiny Raft is my first pick. Okay. That's just the scale and size of the ocean. There's nothing I think they can make you feel more. Small boat in the ocean is high on my list. So Mike, you are up. You got two picks. I'm going to go with a porta potty.

Yep. Oh, that's a good pick. Yeah. Oh, that would suck. Uncomfortable, stinky. What's the dollar amount? To stay in a used portopo party? Yeah, overnight.

What do you need? I mean, I'll go to the deusers. What do you need? Yeah, we've got to go to Josh. Let's set the low water mark here. One night in a very used potty. $50. Would you try to?

or just sit? No, I try to sleep. Make time go by faster. So in the corner? How much? Uh, 3,000. I'm shocked it's in the thousands. Yeah, my number was 5K, so we're not too far.

Okay. Matt, what do you think? I was going to start a thousand, but. Yeah, there he is. There's our guy. There's our guy. There he is. Yeah.

It's more for me. So we're going with the port of potty. That's a great pick. And man, I got one. I don't know if it would come back or not. We're going to go. I'm going to go with a ski lift. Ah, yeah.

Okay, it wasn't, it would not have come back. It was, it's on my list. I did not have that, but that would be terrible. Yeah, very similar to my. It is like the roller coaster. The roller coaster. A ski lift. But you got the elements.

Well, not only do you have the elements. Like, you're stuck. You can't jump down. If you want to, like, that's like a 20 foot drop. You're toast. 20 feet into the snow I might do. Yeah. It might be higher.

Oh, I don't just, but 20 feet. Yeah. I mean, you. You better hope that that's like eight feet of us know. You can't escape this situation. Yeah. And you've got to spend the night there. And it's going to be very cold.

I like that. That's like the roller coaster. You're not upside down, but it's freezing. I mean, upside down all night. Can you survive that? No. No, you would not. You would not.

No, you can't. I don't think so. You said that very definitively. Did you try to do this? I feel very confident overnight would be that would be it. Yeah. You would just die of time being upside down? Yeah.

Blood in your head or something? Hold on. If you survive, you're going to have problems. You look this up, but I'm going to make a guess right here of how many hours you could survive upside down. I think you could do 16 to 18 hours. Upside down. Purely upside down? There's just a guess.

I'll come back to you. I'm just going to be like, you're fine. Yeah, it's probably. Do you have food and water? I think you could be all right. He's having to search again, so you didn't get the answer he liked. Well, he's, he's typing again. What I'm seeing is it's very short.

Oh. Oh, really? Yeah, loss of consciousness in one to two minutes, serious physical harm in about 10 to 15. Oh, that's not true. And fatality could be in 30 minutes. That's what I know. Where's that from? Your butt.

Chat GPT. Okay. You can hang upside down for more than two minutes to not and not go unconscious. Now I'm on it. I've seen lots of roller coaster people stuck upside down and they're all awake. All right. Are you up, Andy? Yes, I'm up.

All right. Jason took a, or you took a. or you took a ski left. I'm going to come back and I'm going to go with, man. This is a weird one because I don't think anyone's really stealing from each other very much. So I'm going to war zone. Actually, so far.

Oh, war zone. I'm going to war zone. Oh, that's a good thing. I mean, why, the fear of exploding at any minute? I mean, worst places to be stuck overnight. Yeah, it would be pretty bad. I'm going war zone. Yeah.

Did you have something you discovered? No, everything I'm looking at is, like, Like, you don't try to sleep upside down. It is very dangerous. Okay, yeah. I'm not going to try to. Yeah. No, I, uh, every single thing prior to war zone had been on my list.

So we, my list was shrinking. Um, but war zone is a very, very good. I mean, I don't understand if you're like in a battlefield, obviously every single person there will have to sleep. You know, if you're in a five day battle, you're going to. going to have to sleep. I've never understood how you do that. I think you catch like tiny little pockets of sleep. I don't think you get a night. You get a, yeah, you get like a micro nap. It's not like a downtime. Like, hey, hey, time out. Everybody. What do you say? 6 a.m.?

Yeah, guys. We wake back up. Get back at this. Can we call this off until at least seven? Trying to get my eight hours here. All right. Okay, so I've got two picks. Um, so far. you're spending the night upside down on a roller coaster, which I am learning you are dead. Yes. Yes. So I have died. That was the 101. You have died. You have died quickly. And, you know, that goes right into my next pick, which is a cemetery.

Oh. Yeah, it's on my list. I do not want to sleep in a... And of course, this is a haunted cemetery. Is there none? Yeah. Well, there are some nice looking cemeteries. Like you go and it's like... Is that what they don't haunt the nice ones? I guess maybe at night. I've never been to a cemetery at night. I feel like Jason, the bougie ghost, would be at the nicest cemetery you could find.

Exactly. But that's not what I'm picking. Hold on. You're saying when Jason is a ghost, he will haunt a bougie cemetery. Of course he will. Yeah, for sure. He'll be above ground crypts. And that is 100%.

Above ground crypt. Yes. A mazolium. Very good. Yes. He's a mausoleum ghost. He liked the finer things. But that's not the pick.

I'm picking a rundown, rickety, couple of trees that... Rickety? Yeah. What in the cemetery is rickety? Oh, the gate. This has a gate. Oh, okay. A big metal wrought iron gate that's just flapping.

Yeah, that thing in the wind is just... Got one of those wooden roller coasters on the property. Real rickety. Um, okay. And I'm going to go with a place. I hope I never have to sleep overnight. You know, this is made to sleep overnight. This is a place specifically intended for sleeping.

Okay. And it's a jail cell. I don't want to spend the night in a jail cell. All right. Not built for that. Boogie Jason will not. I don't know if I'll survive for the night. I might have picked two deaths here on my list.

I have the open ocean and the war zone. Is there not a bidet? What is this? What is this little toilet? I was trying to figure out what is the joke. That old toilet. He passed away. He passed away of non-bushiness.

All right. He had to wipe his bottom. Bed was a little too rough. He didn't make it through the night. Oh, man. To be fair, my death would probably come from the inmate. I'm not alone there. Okay.

All right. I'm going to follow up war zone with top of a mountain peak. Okay. That sounds pretty awesome. No. You're going to have some. No, no, no. All right.

I'm changing. No, what? Top of Everest. No, no, no, I can be specific. You upgraded it. That's fine. Top of Mount Everest. How's that sound?

That's fine. I mean. You can fall? Don't you sleep there? When you, all people do. And they die there. Lots of them. Sure.

Yeah, no, I know. Cold, falling, wind, exposure. I don't want to be there. I don't know if you fall when you're asleep. You could. While you're sleeping? You could. Yeah, you roll, man.

Is it considered falling? If you roll off a cliff is considered falling. Is it? Or did you roll off the cliff? Yes. You're asleep and you roll. And you, yeah. And you go off the ledge.

You're asking if that's falling. Did you fall down? No, no, that's not the same thing. The fall down, you fell. You died of a fall, right? Yeah. Okay. No, when you say it that way, it sounds right?

Yeah. But to say you fell off, you're like, well, what happened? He stepped up. No, he rolled off in his sleep. That's not a fall. when you're laying down. That's my point. You never fall off a bunk bed?

But are you on a bunk bed on Everest? This is what I'm going to? Hold on. This is a good point. You just said you can't fall while laying down. Please retort my objection. You can even just say the couch. If you take a nap on a couch and you roll off.

I rolled right off a bunk bed when I was a kid. Splat. Yeah, but you rolled off. You didn't fall off. You said it. I caught you. Rolled off. Ha ha.

This is so down. You can't. This is the dumbest sidebar. If you're laying down, you can't fall. Yeah. Official verdict. You can't trip and fall. You can fall off of something.

You can't fall. Yeah, you fall off. Yeah, you're right. You can only fall off of something. All right. We got there. All right, I'm up. Maybe.

Port a potty and a ski lift. I'm going to go with a lion exhibit. Ooh. That's not great. Daniel. I didn't say the den. It's an exhibit. So wait, you got to go spend the night.

in a lion's pin. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah, that's a good pick. That is a good thing. That sucks. That's called not sleeping. If you would just pick like the Sahara or something or like, you're probably fine. Oh, yeah, or, you know, your odds of running into a lion are low. Yes. Lower than in the lions do.

Lower than in a lion's pen. I just think that's a crafty pick. Yeah. Well, thank you. All right. So we got that one. And then the, Do they give up on life in a zoo, though? Lions? Yeah. Probably. Are they just, like, not as aggressive? Probably give up on hunting as much because they're fed giant stakes.

And people. But they're not fed people. But in a group of lions, if there's a human in there, they've got to be like, dude, we can't pass up this opportunity. Oh, okay. Yeah. This guy's trying to sleep. I was born to run. This guy's trying to sleep. Wrong human.

All right. Mike, you got one more. Mike, you got one more. Port-a-potty ski lift line exhibit. So it's like, it's like Jason's, but I think, in my opinion, it's a big, creepy. No, no, no, no. I'm going abandoned hospital. Yes.

Okay. I had abandoned asylum on my list. Yeah, yeah. So. Same, same concept. I have haunted mansion. Yeah, these are all. Yeah.

Yes. That'd be sick. I could handle that. So abandoned. Hospital. Yeah. Something, they're large and abandoned and dark. They're large and you're alone.

It's creepy. The walls have seen many things inside of a hospital. That's a good one. I will. Like the people in the cemetery, they were already that way when they got there. Right. Yeah. Okay.

I will close out my draft with the Amazon rainforest. Oh, you did. Yeah, you're not making it. Yeah, I needed to match Jason's instant death of the. upside down roller coaster. If you find a spot in the rainforest, it will be wet. You will get bugs on you,

and you'll probably be dead by morning. The amount of things that will crawl on you while you sleep is unfathomable. I don't care about I don't, I literally think I care less about the panther of the jungle,

you know, the monster that can come and just destroy me, then I care about the bugs. The bugs in the rainforest the amount of creepy crawly They got that Siafu there I don't know what that is The ants That sounds like some sort of God that lives in the forest

Oh they're crazy ants man Scrambles your body Yeah All right so rainforest That would be that'd be a problem Yeah do you Apparently Papa Josh knows what those ants are Dude those things are

What do they do? They're like monster size ants And they'll eat anything in their paths Things are bigger there right Like these things are Everything's been scaled up in the rainforest If you remember the There's a scene in Indiana Jones

The Crystal Skull Where there's ants involved It's really really bad CGI But those are That's what they're supposed to be Hmm Yeah it doesn't sound good Okay so I know what my last pick was

It wasn't on my list But as we started talking and thinking And I was just like There is the worst place For me the worst place to sleep I could not do it I could not handle it. It was very similar to my last pick, but totally different because at the cemetery, I'm just, I'm sleeping on the ground.

Yeah. I'm by a tombstone. It might be a nice cushy grass. Maybe. But how about in a coffin? Oh, no. I thought about that one. Oh, my goodness.

My claustrophobia would not. Like, I'm not, I don't consider myself as someone who has claustrophobia. I think everybody has coughing claustrophobia. Yeah, I couldn't do it. I think that's universal. You see some people like, you know, they sleep three days, you know, in a buried coffin or whatever. I think, like, Mr. Bees did it or something. I don't think I could do that.

You'll hyperventilate. You'll die. Forget underground buried. Oh, just. Just like, I'm in a room. I'm in my room. But it's a coffin on his regular bed. On my bed.

Yeah. It'll be so cushy. Oh, man. But you put, as soon as you put that lid on. And I can't. Then you close your lids. I can't see. I can't see with my lids open, Mike.

There's no light in there. Let me ask you this as a sidebar, because we just finished up, Jason, with the upside-down, roller coaster, cemetery, jail cell, and coffin. Mike with the Port-a-Pottie ski lift line exhibit and abandoned hospital. I've got the open ocean tiny raft, the war zone, the top of Mount Everest, and the rainforest. You could have just said open ocean. Way worse than it. Open ocean, that's fine.

Yeah, you got a boat. If you take the raft away, that's so much worse. The sidebar here, though, if the requirement was you have to fall asleep and then you escape the place, which place could you not fall asleep? The open ocean. Oh, yeah, you can't. Without the raft, you could. Yeah, if you're in the raft, you, oh, it would just gentle-based. No, I fall asleep very nicely on that.

Could you fall asleep in that cemetery if that was your way out of the cemetery? Yeah. I could do it in the coffin as well. If that was my way out, I would just calm down. Yeah. It's really knowing that I have to stay overnight That I couldn't do it there The lion exhibit would be the hardest one mentally

That one in the war zone If I fall asleep I'm out of here But if I don't stay awake You sleep with one eye open expression So I don't know what the truth is About the Amazon rainforest I couldn't sleep I could never fall asleep

Feeling something crawl on me Or hearing sounds of things crawling around you I think that I could overcome I mean I wouldn't like it But I think I could overcome But if I feel something on me I'm going to slap it away or whatever. Like, I couldn't just sleep comfortably with something crawling on me.

I couldn't do it. And so in my mind, I think that the rainforest is, the ground is moving. Nobody took an elevator with Josh as one of the worst. I did have, I had elevator on my list. Okay. And then my one that I thought would be. Did you have some others on the list? Yeah.

Because if you're stuck there, so I assumed that in the morning people find you there. Sure. Yeah. I was like, your boss's office. Okay, yeah. I had an airport runway. Good luck trying to sleep with jet engines.

It's so ridiculous and funny. I had an abandoned mine shaft. Figured that would suck. Oh, man. Just a swamp where crocodiles are at. A wax museum. Because you know they come to life. And just, I mean,

dumpster. You're going to keep thinking you see people. Yeah, fair enough. What did we learn today? I've underestimated how long you can stay upside down. I really have. Because I have heard the stories of people upside down, like when they're doing a caving thing, and they get stuck upside down and they have to rush to get them out.

Yeah, because they'll die. Because they'll die. That's the key, the death. Yeah. Did you learn anything on today's show, Jason? I learned I want an army. Yeah, and you were really into the army. I think it would be so.

You've been wanting an army for longer than you've probably admitted. I haven't wanted one until today, but now I know I actually would love to have an army. Yeah, all right. Mike, did you? We're moving on from lighters. Yeah, lighters. It's over. Zippo.

You had a good run. Not enough fire. No. Thank you, everybody. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

Thank you.