Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Mom Mud & The Best Kitchen Utensils - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 12, 2025

Spit Hit for June 12th, 2025:On this episode we face the unfortunate mom mud scenario, encounter a difficult mythical creature decision, face off in another round of BallerDash and then draft the best kitchen utensils. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers  

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. in. That was loud, man. That was a loud one. It was like a tugboat. Like a tugboat. I was inspired by you, Andy. Oh, really? What did I do? Well, a couple shows ago, you said, you know what I realized? I realized no one's ever scatted with their teeth shut. Oh, right. Yeah, I did do that.

And so you did it. You just went with that. And I said to myself right before, because I didn't have anything planned, obviously. Wait, you didn't plan that out? No, no, no. That was in the moment, Mike. I thought, I've never sc scattered super far from the microphone. Oh, and then you did.

And now I can't say that anymore. But then you're like, but if I'm far from the microphone, I know that I got to raise my volume. Exactly right. So I screamed. That explains my ears. Thank you. Welcome in, one and all.

Spitballers Podcast, episode 273. Interesting. The 273? No, it three not just it's a lot. Oh, you know It's a lot of episodes. Would you rather some baller dash on today's show and then we are drafting Kitchen utensils Which did you guys come up with this one? I'll as you take a sip from that What was that a ginger ale? It's just a LaCroix. Okay, and no I did not come up with this one Al as you take a sip from that ginger ale? It's just a La Croix. Okay.

And no I did not come up with it. Who did? Was it on our list? Yeah it was on our list. Well I'm excited. First you hear utensils and you're just like, forks and knives. Spoons. But there's a lot.

There's a lot to think about. I learned a lot of things are considered a kitchen utensil. Oh, you had too narrow of a mind. Yeah. That's, that's. I thought only like there. There are three. There's three things.

Yeah. We're going to take one each and that will be the end of the draft. No. And Jason, with that scat, you earned yourself the first pick in today's draft. And there is a clear 101. Okay. We'll find out if that's true. Interesting.

I don't have that opinion. No, I would imagine most people like you wouldn't. OK. That's weird, because I. What? Do you eat a lot of that I don't eat? I don't think there's a 101. I don't think there's a 102.

I don't think there's a 103. OK. Before you make the pick, I want to try to guess it. Okay, that's fair. When we get, when I'm on the clock, I will give you the opportunity. Yeah, which I mean is revealing some other utensils, but I'm not really worried about it. We've all been in a few kitchens, am I right? Yeah, you're right. All right, I'm right. All right, I would have thought, Mike, you being the man who cooks the most amongst the three of us

That you would be the most aware of all the different utensils. I didn't know they were called utensils. Oh, okay. What were they? Kitchen items kitchen. I don't know. I usually call them my kitchen weapons kitchen items. I like it. All right, let's get it going Would you rather. Oh, very rarely do I accidentally read ahead, but I really liked what I was getting to. Would you rather fumble your mother's urn, spilling the ashes everywhere? Been there. Or drop your future wife's expensive engagement ring

into the ocean while proposing in front of a crowd. OK, so everyone sees it happen. Now, I know somebody who's lost their wedding ring in the ocean. Really? Yes. And they did. Did they get it back? No. No. But they did try... Has anyone gotten anything back from the ocean? No. I lost...

They tried hard. I mean they hired... What? A... one of the people with the metal detectors. A submarine? No, not a submarine. I mean how do you find something like a scuba team? If you lose it in the ocean? Team Bravo, go! Look, look. If you drop something in the ocean, the tide recedes. Someone can come out there with a metal detector and maybe it's stuck in the sand. So they tried that. But it didn't work, so you guys are proven correct. They were on the beach. They lost it on the beach. If you say like they lost it, I know that's part of the ocean, but like...

No, I know what you're saying If you you lose it in the ocean, I imagine you're on a boat or something. There is a part I'm gonna break some news. Okay. All right is a part in between the ocean and the sand Where the water and the sand they combine? Okay, and a lot of people they kind of play in that area Yeah, they call that the beach. Yeah, that's where they were, you know But like also like when the waves are up you you're in the ocean. When they go down, you're on the sand. Now, that's how it works. If your feet are touching the ground, you're on the beach. No, you're in the ocean. You're on the beach. So you're saying knee high,

you're on the beach? Yeah, absolutely. No, you're not. No, you're in the ocean. You're in the ocean. Thank you. What? Knee high. Now feet, as soon as your feet are completely covered, I think you're in the transitionary period. He's telling me that when all these shark attacks happen in the lower water area, they're all beach attack. I would say there was a shark attack at the beach. Yes. And people will go, that doesn't make sense,

because sharks can't go onto the beach. Yeah, man. You don't do not end up in the beach. Yeah, man. You're not into this. I am not alone. There are dozens of us out there that feel it. So wait, if you jump, do you go to the ocean real quick before your feet come back down? Yeah.

It's not touching the sand. So wait, hold on. So what you're saying is there is an area where I could lay on my back and I could float Okay, and not touch the ground, but you could be standing. Yeah, and we're in two different worlds Two different worlds. Oh man. Well, you're out there on the ocean I'm standing here at the beach. You could be even further out than me where I'm floating. Yeah true Yeah, I know I rule the rules. I guess this breaking down but Jason's just he's That's true. Rules are rules, I guess.

This is breaking down, but Jason's just, he's... Gotta stick to a bit. Sticking with it. Ouch. How much money did they spend on this recovery effort? I would say that was probably a $600 effort to get this ring back. Man. $500 ring.

It's sentimental. You know what I mean? This is not just the value of the ring. It's like, how much above the value of the ring would you consider to pay? Definitely none. If you could guarantee getting it back. If it was like your great grandmother's, you know, it's been passed down.

Maybe a family heirloom. All right, so getting to the question, I do have some follow-ups here. Pro tip. Yeah. Don't ever wear your wedding ring to the beach or the ocean. Yeah, yeah, I agree.

Really? Oh yeah. You want to take that off. I'm going to put that out there for everyone. You can't lose it in the beach if you don't wear it to the beach. The fumbling of your mother's urn spilling the ashes. What is the etiquette on ash cleanup? Can you use a standard broom and dust bin to pick up ashes.

I feel like a standard broom and dust pan is the respectful way to go. I think a shop vac, that's disrespectful. That's putting her through, you know, vacuuming up. Oh, that's got a filter sometimes. Yeah, you're gonna lose some of that. If you spill it and you don't have a broom, dust bin, shop vac, all that stuff,

and you go to the store, do you make a purchase thinking about your mom? Like what she would like to be cleaned up with? Yeah. Are you saying like you gotta go like high end dustbin? That's what I'm asking, yes. Oh, yeah. Mom can't have Rubbermaid.

Like can you bargain? You wouldn't wanna bargain, right? No, and I like the fact that you- Mom, you're worth it I like the fact that you're going out and buying a new one because I think the most disrespectful thing would be Dirty burn you want it to what is all the fuzz at the bottom used at one time and then you throw it out Can I at least use a dustpan than I already had but I wash it. Yeah, that's that's okay a sign of respect Now what the question here just so we're all on the same page than I already have, but I wash it? Yeah, that's a sign of respect. Now, the question here, just so we're all on the same page,

is the spilling of the urn also in front of a crowd? No, it's just private. OK. I mean, it's in front of somebody. Well, yeah. Yes, yeah. Mom's watching down, very upset with you. She's looking up in this case.

So that's alone. So I could have this happen and tell nobody about it, and just live with the... Embarrassment. Yes, the own personal shame. Is that what you're going with? Is it the crap? I'm just making sure I have all the facts.

One thing to just consider, OK? There is very little shame. You spill, OK? This is, you just put a bunch of ash out there, there is no way you're not breathing some of that. Okay, that is a very fair point. You know, wrestle with that thought. Because you know, that's a...

Well, you came from inside of her, and now she's inside of you. Yeah, I mean... The circle of life. That's what that song is about. That is, it's about breathing in. You spilled your mom. Does that mean...

That's right, I remember those lyrics. Yeah, you would, Ash is very, what do you call it when something just gets up in the air? Oh? Dusty plume plume plume me yeah, so yeah your mom would be pretty plume me Your mom would be pretty plume me It's not you don't plume more the heavier you are the more the heavier you are the more action. Yeah, if you have more action Some huge ash Alright this is gone. But yeah, I, um, look, I feel like

there's a lot of danger here with the mom one, so I'm gonna lose the engagement ring in the ocean. It'll be a test of, uh, how much she loves me. If she's not gonna marry me after that, then it's a material love. Yeah, you had some big problems. What if you spent 25K on that ring? Oh, gosh.

25K? What's your price where you would no longer choose the ring? Oh, yeah, that's it. Definitely less than that. If it's five or more, then mom hits the floor. That's what they say. That's it. If it's five or more, mom hits the floor. Oh, they say that's it more mom hits the floor. Oh my god

Are we are we gave it in? Oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna she was a bloomy lady I'm spilling my mom no matter what okay, Mike Mean if it what what if it's like on the couch? Oh Man, I hope it's leather. That's what I mean. There is that's like on the couch? Oh man, I hope it's leather. That's what I mean. I mean, there are... Dad, you gotta shop back. If you hit the tile, the worst things can happen.

But if it's like a carpet-couch combo, that's forever. What do you feel worse about, okay? Carpet-couch combo, you're at home, you got a bad cleanup and you know there's gonna be. That is a vacuum situation no matter what. No matter what, but buy a new vacuum. And a deep clean. Or you take mom on a picnic on a windy day. And it goes, oh!

You know what? And you lose half. That one's like, I'm fine, I'm fine with that. If you incidentally. You're fine losing half rather than having to. To nature? Yeah. Yeah.

We agree. It's like, it could be worse. You know what I mean? The thing is, sure. But the thing about the couch is, that's mom's spot. Oh, you're not going to sit there. Well, you will never not think about yeah, and you're ashamed Do you have to disclose that on a sale of a go? No no no

comes with mom Some mom No, it's mom's favorite couch favorite couch forever I'm dropping the ring. I'll take the I'm the I'm the only one dropping mom? Yeah, you are. Yeah, I think so. You monster. Unless the ring's a lot of money.

What if we're outside and it's rainy? Ooh. Mom mud? Mom mud. Oh no, no. I feel like that's where I have to say no. That's where I have to drop the ring. See, we had this debate on the show earlier

where you'd rather be cremated, Mike, and we would rather be buried. Half of us. Imagine, look at all the plume-related issues that you'd be bringing to your family. Having to keep track of you. Just put me in the dirt. OK, here's my follow-up question to this.

Because I don't know. I have no experience with this. They don't just put just uncontained ash in the urn, like it's gotta be in a bag or something. It is in a bag. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, I know, it really kind of ruins this whole joke.

And why the urn? Why not throw the bag up on the mantle? Because that is disrespectful. So you can really see her. That is disrespectful. I like so much, it's not even a Ziploc, bro. I've never, every single movie, TV show there that has had an earn with the ashes in it.

No bag. I don't know if that's universe. So that it can break. Because it would not be funny. And be funny. All right, I mean, maybe I'll write into my will that half of it goes into an earn and the half you get to play with it.

Okay. You know what I mean? Get to. Get to. Just do whatever you want. Gross. Alright. This is gone as far as it can go. Alright, well let's get to something more serious. Would you rather be a centaur or a minotaur? Just, which one do you want to be? Well, let's start with what's the difference between those two. Oh, this is easy. This is easy. Centaur, minotaur.

Centaur is the you are on the lower half, you're a horse. So you got the four legs, you got the horse tail, but then you have a human torso from everything else. Right. The minotaur is you're like a combination of a bull and a human. But you're all humanoid. You are... You're anthropomorphic. Yeah, like you're too... Yeah, you stand on two legs, but your legs are bull legs. But your arms are

human arms. You have... They look like human arms, but yeah, I think you have hands. Then you have hands and then you have a bull head, but you're usually much larger a minotaur is Not human size every time I've ever seen a minute. Yeah, they're they're like a giant You're like a real. Yeah a real big human, but I mean a big kid. Yeah, okay, like I'm six eight Yeah, like a rock. Yeah, you just you're but minotaur II if the more bully than he is Yeah, if the rock had horn, okay, would he be a Minotaur pretty close? He would need a snout. He would need to be a little a little furrier. Okay Yeah, but which would you rather be? I mean, you're a bullhead. It's clear. The top speed is with the centaur

Yeah, for sure. You're a four-legged and you're gonna need it cuz you're not getting in a car the centaur yeah for sure you're a four-legged and you're gonna need it because you're not getting in a car no but the minotaur can get in the car the minotaur could ride a centaur not according to onward Disney's Pixar movie remind me why the minotaur can I get in a car no the the centaur well I know a centaur can't get in the car no they can't they get in the cars in those movies oh you're saying oh okay but outside of the lore of that one Pixar movie. That changed everything. That's canon now.

Centaur canon? Yeah. You can be ridden comfortably if you're a centaur. You can't. I mean, you could give a killer piggyback if you were a minotaur. Do you attract more flies as a centaur? Ooh. I have to imagine that both bodies are attracting flies.

But you publicly defecate with the horse one? What do you mean publicly? You can go behind a tree. But you don't wear underpants. I assume a minotaur wears underwear. Certainly can. Can. Can, I can get a big pair of underwear. Certainly can. Can.

Can. I can get a big pair of pants. I can't put a big pair of pants on a horse. Have you ever seen a horse? No pants? So here's a great question for you guys. I like where it's going. When a horse wears pants, is it just the back two legs in there?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Or is it like... No, no, no. It's not all four. It would have to be all four. No, it's not all four. Well, the front ones aren't arms. They're just still legs.

It's two pairs then. You got to wear two separate pairs. No, you have one and then you're telling me that it's the whole body. Yeah, and you got four little holes for the legs. So you're telling me horses can't wear shirts. Correct. But a centaur can.

But they could wear a scarf. Yeah. So you got like a four-legged Levi's and a scarf is what you're wearing as a horse. Yeah. With a tail coming out. Now see there is a public, yeah this has been thought about. Yes that's why I was, but I don't think we've ever discussed it. People don't know if you should wear them in several ways. I mean So if you should wear them in several ways. I mean, if they're pants, number one, they have to cover the privates. Yeah. That's why the back half.

We know it's on the back. The back half is locked in. It's in the pants. It's just a matter of, well, do you cover the front half or not? To me, it looks most natural to put them on only the back half. See, I think it looks most natural to put it to where it covers the entire lower body so it would go up over

the body as well. I guess a centaur wears a shirt because they have an eye. No they don't cuz they're shredded. That's true centaurs are never... You would never wear a shirt with that body. Maybe a tank. I want to see a fat centaur. A plumey centaur? Yeah, let's see if someone's drawn one of those. Yep. People have done it all. The internet has everything. The live Googling there was dangerous.

If I have to be one, I'm going to be the centaur. Me too. Me too. It's pretty awesome. First chance to really gallop. Oh, man, you could right like the wind. I've been wanting to gallop. And I mean, it's where, I mean, you have a duty.

You have to like guard a labyrinth forever. You do get horns though. Yeah? I mean, I don't know. That's true. Is that a perk? I mean. I mean, it's a weapon.

You don't get to wear normal hats. What do you- You can hang stuff off of them. Who would you rather fight? I would definitely rather fight someone without horns. But people get trampled by regular horses, not even centaurses. Centaurses?

But the minotaurs normally have a bigger upper body. Yeah, minotaurs. And horns. They're very strong. Super strong. I'd rather fight a centaur. I'm gonna fight a centaur, and I'm gonna take it AT-AT style. I'm gonna try to...

Yeah, yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. All right. Do we got time for one more Al or do you want us to move on mercifully? Let's do one more. You got a favorite here? No. No? I'll pick one then. There you go. Would you rather be a fighter pilot that's scared of heights?

Oh, boy. Or a submarine captain that's scared of the water? Oh, that's so easy. Is it? The in the sky one. Yeah. What? If you are afraid of the, no.

Hold on. Are you afraid of depths? Is that what you would say? So you're saying you'd rather be the fighter pilot. Yes. Afraid of heights. Yes. But as a fighter pilot, you are seeing everything that you are terrified of.

Lots of heights. At least if you're the submarine captain, you don't see it unless you choose to, unless you've got a porthole. So I'm afraid of spiders, OK? Right. And I have had times where I have visualized a spider that is not there and Freaked myself out. Okay

If I am inside of something that I know is under the ocean. I am afraid I'm not I don't need to see the water. What are you even gonna see? It's just you know, you know where you're at Yeah, that's the point is you don't see it where if you're I I mean, technically in a fighter jet, at least you're only seeing up. You're not really looking down. And looking down, they're like, don't look down when you're afraid of heights. You're seeing everything. They don't have like a see-through bottom on the fighter pilot. No, but you have peripheral vision.

You can see out of it. Buddy, I'm holding on for dear life in that thing. Here's what's interesting though. You're putting on one of those, the horse, like, blinder restrictions. Oh yeah. So you can't see? I'm ejecting immediately. No, I...

Oh, that's... I'm afraid of heights you do not want to eject. That's true. I am... I think I might be afraid of depths. I saw somebody on a reel talk about the coolest underwater bedroom hotel. Oh, that thing is awesome. And they're like, first you go down this elevator. Yeah. about the coolest underwater bedroom hotel. Oh, that thing is awesome.

And they're like, first you go down this elevator, then you walk out into the room. The whole time, all I'm thinking of. Wait, you're underwater? Yeah, you go down an elevator, so it's all, and then you go. Have you ever been in an aquarium where you go underneath it? Okay, I'm with you now.

I thought this was like, you're in the water. You have to hold your breath. It's just an elevator for the scuba. Okay, I'm with you now. I thought this is like you're in the water Like three two one Then the elevator slowly goes down Opens up you gotta swim out to your room. And then when you come up you're in the room No, this is your all I can think about in those situations is the nightmare of the cracked panel the cracked panel and you Middle of the night you have to sleep and at any moment the water like I'm not getting up an elevator with water in it Like I'm dead. Yeah, you're dead. They'd so I have heard of that though Jay where the I've heard a former astronaut talking about a training

facility essentially where they're underwater, and then to get to the bathroom, like they gotta scuba up and swim over to a different area. They do work way underwater with huge devices that come straight down and keep all the oxygen and stuff inside of them. Yes. Like on the bottom, they go to the bottom of the,

bottom of like rivers and stuff and you can be walking around down there. Yeah, when they're building. Who do? Builders. Oh, just people. People that like are searching the bottom of something. I didn't know if you were saying this

was specific to astronauts. If I'm gonna die, I want to fall to a painless death versus choking on a bunch of water. I'm going worst case scenario pain. That is the actual differentiator. Is when worst comes to worst to meet your fear, one of them is much better than the other. I guess if you go deep enough in the sub, it's also instant.

Yeah, it's instantaneous depressurization. There's no falling. Is there any options on the land that I'm afraid of grass please don't make me a horse center what I don't know we're we can move on now Jason doesn't know he just he didn't have to he could have just ended with afraid of grass and we got it All right back with of baller dash. Al, are you excited for today's game oh yeah these are always a good time so we've got five prompts from five different categories we all secretly gave our own answers to al borland before the show and uh... he has the right answers as well. I whispered them directly into his ear

and he memorized them all uh... identify the correct answer trick your opponents into picking your answer so uh... two points if you guess the correct one. One point if somebody guesses the answer you made up. All right, let's do it. All right. Those five categories are to remind the people. It's a definition, a notable person, an acronym, a movie plot and weird laws.

So we're going to start off with the definition. The first word is snerge. Snerge. Snerge. Is snerge. Snurge. Snurge. Is snurge to shy away from certain types of work, a quick bolstering of one's energy, a small fracture that commonly occurs in roads or sidewalks, or to laugh while drinking,

resulting in liquid exiting through the nose. Oh, that's such a good one. See, I thought that fracture one was good, too. And one of them's true. So what's the first one? Shy away from? To shy away from certain types of work. And then bolster one's energy.

Energy. Yeah. Like, so you snurge up. That reminds me of a surge. Yeah, like a surge of energy. That's one of your twos. That's Jason's. That's the surge of energy.

Uh-oh, Andy's confused. Yeah, Andy, no. Poker face. That's Andy. I will be the one to go first on this one. I'm taking the laugh one. I don't care if it's real or not, because if it's fake, you deserve a point.

I'm gonna take the fractured one. I am taking the fractured one as well All right, Jason receives one point because Mike guessed his answer. Thank you. My man. Dude. It's too good It was a good one, right? Yeah, and Mike received two points because both Jason and Andy guessed his answer It was very good as well You did correctly identify that Andy said a quick bolstering of one's energy and The correct answer was to shy away from certain types of work. So you, so you, I snurged, snurged, snurged that. All right. Did you really think of surge? Oh, you bet. Yeah, you bet. And it was, I wanted it to be like that because I, I dunno, Jason did one like that a while back. I a

hundred percent thought of the surge of energy. All right. Move on. We're going to move on to notable person. I got better ones in store. The notable person we are talking about today is good old Donna Griffiths. Donna Griffiths. Plural. Got it. Correct. Was Donna Griffiths famous for creating edible cutlery to reduce plastic waste?

Oh goodness. Inventing and earning more than $66 million selling Tupperware. Okay. A teenage girl who sneezed for 978 days in a row. Oh boy. Or for inventing the breathalyzer in 1958. Oh boy.

A lot of inventions happening here. I'll go first. I'm gonna go sneeze. The sneezer. What are you gonna do, Jay? So edible cutlery? Yeah. Topperware? Topperware? Sneezing forever or inventing the breathalyzer? I'm gonna go Tupperware. Oh man. One for sneeze, one for Tupperware. How does edible cutlery even work? Sounds delicious.

I mean, but like how many bites can it withstand? I mean, I guess. I mean you don't really eat your fork now, Mike. You don't bite your fork. Oh, I hate when people bite their forks. P.S.A. Don't bite your fork. If you do it three times they will just come and drag you off to an insane asylum. Okay I'm

gonna go. I believe that's not Griffiths that's Willy Wonka who made the edible cutlery. Well then hey whatever I'm on Wonka I'm going with the edible cutlery. Alright Jason you receive one point for Mike guessing your edible cutlery. Wow, we're locked in. And then Andy, you receive three points for identifying the correct answer, which was the girl who sneezed. And then you also had,

was it Jason that guessed the Tupperware? Yes, he did. So Andy gets three. That's a bounce back. That is a bounce back. Three to two to two? That is correct. At the end of two rounds, Andy is in the lead with three bounce back. That is a bounce back. Three to two to two? That is correct. At the end of two rounds, Andy is in the lead with three,

Mike with two, Jason with two. I've got a snurge of points coming in. We're gonna move on to the acronym, and the acronym we are trying to identify is LHI. LHI. Is that Little Rock Historical Institute. Little Rock? Lettuce Harvesting Innovations, Lunar Habitation Initiative, or That's some bull. I'm going lefties. Oh, that was quick on the draw.

What are you doing over there? Trying to trick people? I didn't like any of the others. Little Rock Historical Institute? That's correct. That's mine. I'm voting for Little Rock. Okay, Little Rock. What's the lettuce?

Lettuce harvesting innovations. Okay, I'm gonna mark that one. Oh no, come on. And then the lunar or left-handed. Ooh. I locked in Little Rock. It's too dumb, I'm gonna take the lettuce one. Whoever gets a point, it's fine. All right, Mike, you get a point

for Andy guessing your Little Rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was dumb. Jason, you get a point for Mike guessing lettuce harvesting innovation. You're loving my answers. They're fun. And then Jason, you get two more points for getting the correct answer in Left-Handers International. Yeah. That should have been three points to Jason and one point to Mike. I'm in the lead, baby. Knew it was wrong, but it is. Yeah. All right. I don't wanna be right.

We have a lead change here. Jason is now in the lead with five and Mike and Andy tied at three. Okay. And we are moving on to the movie plot. The movie we are trying to guess the plot for is called Fingers. Fingers.

Is that a musical tale of self discovery of seamstress Ruth Taylor, leaving audiences tapping their toes to the rhythm of its unique beat? Or is Fingers... Seamstress, I got it! A pickpocket from the streets of Boston falls in love with an unlikely target. Is it... Jimmy Fingers is a New York City concert pianist by day, but at night he works for the mob collecting debts. Come on! Jimmy Fingers is a New York City concert pianist by day, but at night he works for the mob collecting debts.

Come on. Jimmy Fingers. Or a professional pianist suffers a catastrophic injury that takes away the use of his hands. Oh, come on. I'm going the seamstress one. I have to. I feel like that's just too long to be

The first one and Yeah, I'm gonna I think I think seems just as the right one those other three are ridiculous. How dare you? Those are some quality movie. Yeah, you're about Jimmy fingers You're about Jimmy Fingers? Oh man. That's so bad. All right, I'm going to give whoever went with Jimmy Fingers. I'm going to vote for Jimmy Fingers. You deserve to get one just because it's so stupid.

It's too long. I'm going with some logic. I'll take the seamstress one. Andy tried a unique approach here. Did he bet on his own? he like his own answer I was waiting for someone to do that and I I don't know if he convinced you Mike but he got you yeah all right there's one pass no Andy gets one point and I don't get the point for guessing mine no you know Jason you get another two points

for guessing the correct answer boom baby Jimmy baby. Jimmy Fingers is the, oh, come on, man. What a dumb. Mike's made up answer was very close to the actual correct answer. It certainly was. Both about pianists. And I, when, this is not a joke, when I saw that the thing was named Fingers,

I'm like, this is someone's mob name. So, shoulda stuck with it. I'm just disappointed that you didn't completely sweep guessing my answer. You were the pickpocket? So should have stuck with it. I'm just disappointed that you didn't completely sweep guessing my answer. You were the pickpocket? I was the pickpocket. OK.

Fine and lucky. Technically still anybody's game. Jason has a pretty strong lead with seven points. Andy with four, Mike with three. And we are going to the last round, which is weird laws. Thank you. In Seattle, Washington, if a dog weighs over 25 pounds, it must be on a leash in public spaces.

Boring. Pay full fare on the bus. Oh, pay full fare, okay. Not be allowed on public transit. Oh, diametrically opposed. Or wear a collar with a metal latch. Public transport or metal latch? Correct.

Collar? Okay, so be on a leash, pay full fare on public transport, not be allowed on public transport or wear a metal clasped leash, is that correct? Collar, it says collar with a latch. Wear a collar with a metal latch. Okay. I think I know a metal latch. Okay. I think I know what I'm gonna do.

I know what I'm gonna go with as well. I've been going quick, you go now. All right, since I'm in the lead, I'll go first. I'm gonna go, they have to- Oh, that's a good rule, by the way. The person in the lead should always have to go first. I'm gonna have to go paying full fare. You're too heavy. Pay your price. That is unfortunate, because that's what I wanted to go paying full fare. You're too heavy.

Pay your price. That is unfortunate, because that's what I wanted to go with, but I can't catch you with that. Hmm, you asked for me to go, so. So. Yeah, if you guess that, you literally can't catch me, right?

If I guess that, I can't catch you, but that's the right answer. I'm going bust. I'd rather be right with less. I'm gonna go pay full. I'm gonna go with you guys All right, we're all going. I win everybody gets two points for guessing the correct answer I knew it right away, but do I get another half point? Yeah, Mike was so close with the right to the right answer. He said not be allowed on public transit Well in fairness, he was exactly wrong. He was as far away from- It's the right vein.

I know, I know. Oh, well. If they didn't let dogs onto public transit, that would be a shocker. It's not all dogs, it's 25 pound dogs. Jason, congratulations, you are the winner of Baller Dash. Thank you. Hey.

Amazing. I think we have an applause. People are very excited. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Appreciate you all. All right, quick break and we'll be back with our draft. ["The Spitballers Draft"] The Spitballers Draft.

Well the time has come for Jason to have the very first pick in our utensils draft. He says it's bonafide guaranteed number one. And congratulations. Yeah, thank you. Not all drafts have a 101. There's only two things I think would be in your 101. It's either, I'm just going to say them. It's either number one is steak knife because you love steak

Okay, or is number two a can opener because you love spaghetti. Oh, those are my two guesses you see me You feel me you know me. Well, you don't know is that spaghetti Oh's have come with the pop-top That's true that that's just irrelevant. I've never heard such a stupid take. Yeah, that's true. That that's just irrelevant. I've never heard such a stupid take. Yeah, that's bad. It's close to your first guest, but it's much more important. It's something that when you get hired as a chef, sometimes you bring your own. It's so important.

It's hundreds of dollars. BYOB. You have won for 20 years. It's a chef's knife. BYOK. Oh, really? Yeah. Chef's knife is on my list. I'll bet it's at the top. What is a chef's knife. BYOK. Oh really? Yeah.

Chef's knife is on my list. I bet it's at the top. What is a chef's knife? It's an all purpose really high end good knife. It's real, it's heavy. Probably weighs 20, 30 pounds. I believe that's an axe, sir. Bring your own axe.

So you went with the chef's knife. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I just learned what that is. So you went with the chef's knife. Yeah. OK. Yeah, I just learned what that is. So I appreciate it now. So it was not on your list. Interesting. Who am I without an ice cream scoop? I'm taking an ice cream scoop.

Yeah, all right, I figured it. OK. One of the biggest problems in my marriage is my wife, for whatever reason, you know, every marriage you pick a few things. Choose your battles. You die on certain hills. And for some reason she's just died on this hill

that an ice cream scoop is inferior to using a regular spoon. What? It's inferior. Inferior. She will use a regular spoon. Mind you, that will bend the spoon sometimes. Oh, for sure.

For sure it will. Because of the ice cream. Well, it's not made for it. Yeah, the ice cream scoop is, however. Now let me ask you this. Let me tell you why she doesn't. Okay. I know, the reason she doesn't is because it's something else to clean.

Sure, yeah. As opposed to if you use- She wants to snudge cleaning that and so she uses a regular... If you use a regular spoon then guess what? You eat your ice cream with the spoon. I totally respect that as one who wants to be as efficient as possible when it comes to cleaning up things but does she know that there is an actual like scientifically created ice cream scoop where it has liquid inside

the handle, which transfers the heat of your hand to make this more scoopable. She could care less. And what's amazing is that- That's a bad take. ... of all the things to clean on planet Earth, cleaning an ice cream scoop is you run it under water for four tenths of a second. It's a simple rinse. Yeah.

But anyways, sorry, this is- Who says not to scrub? Which ice cream scoop do you prefer? It's a simple rinse. Yeah. But anyways, sorry, this is- Which ice cream scoop do you prefer? Do you prefer the one that is a little bit- Yeah, I know where you're going. It's a little bit thinner, but it's got the button that can help get the ice cream- Kerplop. Kerplop the ice cream out.

Or do you prefer the big, heavy, thick- That one. That one. Me too, man. Yeah. Give me an easy scoop. The little trigger? Never works. I've never had one deliver the goods.

Yeah. If you made me a trigger one where it legit shot that thing off into the bowl, it doesn't work. Just a little gunpowder and that ice cream will come right out. So yeah, I'm going to go with the ice cream scoop as my number one pick. Nice, I did not put it on my list because out of respect for you.

Have you ever tried to be efficient and then eaten your ice cream with the ice cream scoop? Okay, you just solved a huge problem. Yeah, you can do it, but it feels naughty. It feels like you're breaking some rules oh my gosh what is this thing all right it's moving on because like a scoop is a serving metric yes so if you pick up the whole yeah man your bites or what you're going after that was the survey but there's a there's another situation like

that that would feel a little a little sneaky later. We'll get to it. All right, Mike, you are up. You got two picks. Spork. You're going with the spork. I'm going with spork, baby. You want to talk about efficiency? This bad boy can do it all. Look, it won't surprise you. My wife is a big fan of the spork. We have metal sporks. We have metal sporks. We have metal sporks. They make metal sporks? Of course they do. And you know what? She'll constantly try to force the spork onto us on non-spork meals. Where I'm like, I just want- What are you eating that can't take a spork? That's her opinion.

Is it spaghetti? Spork. Is it cereal? Spork. What are you doing with spaghetti and the spork, man? So here's the problem. A spork is a fun name and it's a cute utensil. I'm not gonna begrudge the pick, but I will begrudge the actual item. It's a bad spoon or a bad fork. That's it. It's inferior in whatever you want it to be.

She wants some for ice cream too. She'll use the spork for the ice cream scooping. That could work. That actually is a pretty good use case. Dang it. All right. So I got spork. I feel like that's a quirky Mike pick there.

That's a good pick. I like it. I've got a theme that I think I'm going to go with. Combined utensils. No, I wish. The spork is the only one I know of. I'm sure there are more. I was trying to think of one. All right.

The next one I'm going to go with is a whisk. I don't mind the pick. It's up a whisk. A whisk is high on the list. Now is your theme five letter utensils? My theme is words that are fun to say. Sport and whisk. Okay. Look, the whisk is also it's a great utensil. Do you like the big whisk or the little whisk? The big one. Oh, yeah. Big metal whisk. Yeah, and it's going to have a big sturdy handle. Oh, yeah.

Sturdy. You're talking that might as well be an ice cream scoop. I can't be wearing out my forearms while I'm whisking. Some consider the whisk to be the butter churn of today's culture. Because you could put it in a food processor or a mixer mixer you know and and you don't need the whisk. See Al just said that give me an electric mixer I ain't doing that by hand look if you're making like two scrambled eggs. Do you also use an electric knife? Oh I do not.

I mean for carbonate turkey or something maybe. If some, like, I don't know about you guys. A lot of people make their scrambled eggs. They just crack two eggs and mix them on the pan, which I get. Yeah. Sometimes I want to make, like, special scrambled eggs. You put them in a bowl, whisk them up. So I put them in a bowl and I put, you know, like, the, you know, milk in there and so, yeah.

And I whisk it and then I make it. It's perfect. Yeah. And I wouldn't use a mixer for that. No. It just needs a mild whisk. Yeah. There's a lot of things't use a mixer for that. No, they're- It just needs a mild whisk. Yeah, there's a lot of things that use just a mild whisk. I mean, you're not gonna be making cookie batter with a little hand whisk.

That's true. I mean, they used to. Right? All right. There was not always electricity. Probably not, yeah. And there was always cookies. All right, so Spork and Whisk. So you've got like a little quick, fun team going. So I'm up, right? That is correct.

All right, all right. We've had a debate on this show. Then when the show was re-released, that debate resurged on Twitter. Oh, Big Spoon? Big Spoon, Little Spoon. Spoons are for ice cream, spoons are for cereal, spoons are for soup. I like those things. They are versatile. So I'm taking, can I just take spoons? You can just course. Because that's a better pick than taking a big spoon. No, I'm just taking spoons. Taking spoons.

Good luck eating spaghetti. Okay, yeah, I mean you got me there, man. You got me. But I do, you know, look, most households, it's in the drawer. Sporks aren't, other than my house, they're not in the drawer. I can't believe you have sporks. I don't have them either. It's amazing. No, nobody has sporks. She was so than my house, they're not in the drawer. I can't believe you have sporks. I don't have them either. It's amazing.

No, nobody has sporks. She was so proud when she brought them home. KFC is the only place that has sporks. If you told me, Mike, right now, to save your life, you have to go get a spork, I would go only to KFC. You can't buy them at the store. Like, you literally, if I go to Williams Sonoma, like a no there or they don't have they don't have gourmet sports I'm gonna say you need to go to KFC sir. I

Love you. Yeah, no, I'm going with this feels like going with like one of the basic flavors in an ice cream draft But it is I'm taking spoons so far. I have a theme Ice cream ice cream scoop. Yeah, and a spoon. Yeah. All right Is a bowl of utensil it can be all right, Jason you're back up with two pay with two picks gosh Oh, I'm I see one, you know my next two on my list. I Would have taken but out of respect for what you can do Andy. I'm gonna skip one of those. I'm gonna start with a very, very commonly used, valuable, necessary utensil that every family needs from time to time, but I learned.

I thought that was the pick, man. I'm gonna say I picked but. That was the pick, man. I picked butt. That was weird. But I have upgraded this device in my life. And I want to make sure that the people, the spitwads out there. Yeah, we knew you had a bougie, whatever it is. Yeah, well, it's not very expensive, but it is such an upgrade.

I'm taking a spatula, but I'm not just taking a spatula. I am taking a fish turner spatula'm not just taking a spatula. Okay. I am taking a fish Turner spatula fish turn fish Turner also this is a crime against my draft taking the Spatula spatula, that's a great words spatula. Yeah, but don't say that again fish Turner spatula You can Google it and see yeah, you know what it is. It's when you see it. You know what it is Yeah, you might return in is. When you see it, you know what it is. You might see it as- It's for turning fish. But it's not.

There is no better- It's a spatula with slots. With slots, but not just slots. It's got a curve. Well, it makes it so great. Because this is a type of spatula I would end up in like kits for kids' toys. Like this kind of spatula.

This is, if you want to flip burgers, the easiest you've ever flipped burgers in your life. Really? Get a fish turner. It's angled where it goes down and then down. So you're saying on the grill? On the grill. Oh, right, Amazon.com.

I'm telling you, everyone out there. It's quite the name, really. That puts people off. I know, it's like I don't cook fish. That's bad branding. It's terrible branding. They should call it a super spatula. Is there like a, whoa, tell me more about the super spatula.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Hey, maybe I can get a manufacturer here and we can rebrand this thing. Is this super spatulas? No one go out and buy this yet. Wait until my brand comes out. Super spatula. Is superspatula.com available? So Mike's picks are in shambles now. Yeah. Wait until my brand comes out, Super Spatula. Is superspatula.com available?

Oh, it won't be soon. So Mike's picks are in shambles now. Yeah, sorry. Don't worry, there's more fun words. So but you of course went narrow on the knife and narrow on the spatula. I want the best knife and the best spatula, my friend. And you know what else I want?

I will, hold on, I have some bad news, Jay. Super spatula? you're gonna need $2,400 if you want super spatula comm oh man now have we verified is there already an existing super spatula? I haven't gone that brand get on get on that I need to know if my career needs to change here my second item is I Think it's extremely valuable to have in your home. You want a nice one and you can use it even for when you order or when you make it at home yourself and

other items. But I'm talking about a pizza cutter. Oh, really? Yeah, like the rolling pizza cutter because you can get your pizza from Whoever you order Domino's Papa John's whatever you can still like you know it's like the pizza won't break apart Roll it again man. Give me some fresh cuts. You want to make a cheese crisp at home like I did last night, right? Get that pizza cutter easy Last night. Right. Get that pizza cutter.

Easy. Frozen pizza? Pizza cutter. Pizza cutter's a good, it's a good pick. It's an ice cream scoop. I want picks associated with foods I like. Yeah, but that's, you eat a lot of ice cream, you need an ice cream scoop.

I eat a lot of pizza. I need a pizza cutter. It's a great pick. I'm honestly a little mad that I didn't think about it. Now I'm sitting here and I could take another like, I could take another basic. I mean, it's just great pick. I'm honestly a little mad that I didn't think about it. Now I'm sitting here and I could take another basic. I mean, it's just sitting there. Yeah, it is. It's just sitting there for me.

It's a fun word, though. I think Mike might be a little upset. Nah. I'm gonna take chopsticks. I'm gonna take chopsticks. It takes, if you can learn to use them, you feel smart. It's impossible. You don't know how to use chopsticks?

No, no. I don't really know. I do not. Not really. Not in a good way. How can you draft chopsticks if you can't use them? Because I enjoy the process. You enjoy watching other people.

No, I can use them. I use them on sushi. And I get it. I have to do the napkin trick. What's the napkin trick? Well, you just, like, if you roll, like, butt them against each other and roll a napkin, and then fold it over, it helps,

it gives you leverage so you can claim it. Wait, you need them tied together to use them? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't need that. All right. I said I can't use them, they're impossible.

Chopsticks are, I thought that's where you were going with your pizza choice because, like, we have nice chopsticks at the house. I don't know what makes them nice. They're not disposable. Yeah, they're not wood. You know what I mean? Are they metal?

No, they're probably still wood. Yeah, they might be wood. Yeah, they're just not. But they got like a veneer that's a strong veneer. I know what you're talking about, man. I feel what you're putting out. I got some chopsticks at home. I'm going chopsticks.

Mike, you're back up. I'm going to, I have two more picks to close this thing out. I'm going to save what I think is the better word for my second pick, but my first one I'm going to go with a grater. Oh, like a cheese grater? A cheese grater. See, I'm not in on that, man. Oh.

That's just, I can't use a grater without thinking I'm going to rip my fingers up. There is that, but I've made the switch. Oh, you go all graded? Yeah, I buy block. Oh, we? I buy blocks of cheese now. You buy block and you grade yourself. I don't buy the pre-shredded anymore.

Oh my gosh. So I oftentimes do not buy the pre-shredded. But I eat the block. Dude, I'm not, the best part. You get to the bottom and you eat the block baby. The best part of the block then which you also you don't need the cheese grater you can also see the slicer is one for you one for me. But the cheese grater takes so long. It doesn't. It does if you buy the size of bricks I'm buying. You gotta get a big boy greater than I Got a big boy greater. It's called a food processor and it's awesome. You literally there's a

Attachment. Oh really if there's a powered one. Yeah, it's basically a power one There's the I think most food processors come with a cheese grater attachment where you take the cheese blocks You just cut them into big long chunks, and you put them down and you just watch this go. Oh yeah, yes. Yes. And you've got perfectly grated cheese. Do you schedule time to grate your cheese?

I just do it before I need it. Oh, right before? Yeah. Really? And it's freshly grated. And you're super hungry by the time you get to eat. It's really not that hard. All right, Mike your second pickles are bloody. Yeah, that's Jesus That's that's always a that's always a risk, but let's not catch up. What's eating if there's not a little danger

I thought you said a little blood And the last your final pick ladle Word little is a good word looks like a lady ladle. I wanted the later. That's final pick! Now ladle's a good word. Ladle's a good word. Dude looks like a ladle. Ladle? I wanted the ladle. That's the one where I'm like- That's the big spoon. That's the one where I'm like, if you eat soup out of the ladle, it's a little naughty.

It is. It's a little naughty. It is, but you gotta have a stronger ladle. It can't be weak cheap plastic. No, no, no. None of the things that we are buying here are the weak cheap. There's the high end. It's a copper ladle. Yeah, it's a nice, it's heavy. You stuck me with fork.

I've got fork with my last pick. Look, if I get the basic utensils, I got to be happy with that. It is very funny to take what should be the first pick of fork. Yeah. I mean, a fork is the number one most used what should be the first pick. Yeah a fork I mean a fork is the number one most used boring most used utensil is a fork for sure Oh, I think we were all sitting down for a meal I'm in the best shape of the of the three of us not until I Jason's trying to eat with a fish turner a pizza cutter and his chef's knife a chef's knife

Which means I've got all of your utensils. I've got a fork. We go to war. So I have them all. Also, I found a $40,000 ladle, everybody. That's the one you get. Come on, man. That's the one.

Is it pure gold? No, it seems- Fork in the fourth? Seems to be a hand-carved wood. It's really nice. That's, I mean, yeah. All right, Jason, one more pick from you. Yeah, close it out.

All right. I'm surprised my- Tongs is on the board. Tongs was, it more pick from you. Yeah close it out. All right I'm surprised tongs is on the board tongs was it's a fun word. Yeah, it's a good one I thought I thought for sure, you know Tongs would be yours. Well, I wanted to talk about cheese grating I was very proud of it. Yeah his new grading situation. Yeah, we're We're kind of above other people cheese graders. Yeah. OK, so I had left this behind.

I left this behind for you, Andy, thinking you could get a ladle to go with your spoon, to go with your ice cream scoop, to go with this pick, which is a big wooden spoon. You know the big wooden? Yeah, I know what you're talking. I know what it is. Those are. We know what a big wooden spoon. You know the big wooden? Yeah, I know what it is. Those are, there's something about the wood

that I really like cooking with. And in addition to that little life hack, pro tip, boiling water, let's say you're making mac and cheese. Oh, yep. What happens when you make mac and cheese? It spills over. It just starts boiling up, boiling over. You take a big cheese spills this spills over it just starts boiling up boiling over You take a big wooden spoon. Oh, it knocks it over you lay it across the top

You it doesn't boil it doesn't boil over when it boils up it touches that way and cannot explain why this happens does It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Just put a wood spoon across the top. It's like someone's blowing on the bubbles. Yeah Yeah, that's a lie of lies That does not make sense. It doesn't make sense, but it does work. Come on. You guys are setting me up to burn myself Try it everybody Everybody in Doosers Alley, they know this trick. Has anybody heard of this trick? I have, I don't know about those two. Absolutely works. Yeah.

I will say this, there are limits to it. I have had it boil over once when I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let me explain. It's not a perfect science. If you've got this thing on- Then it ain't good. If you've got this thing on full blast high and you leave, you walk out of the room forever and it was already full to start I've had it spill over a little bit but 95% of the time it will not boil over and you can see it start to boil up you watch

it it boils up it touches a spoon and says oh I'm sorry persons there yeah it's like I did not mean to interrupt your laying on this pot. That is. If you want 100% hit rate, if you want a 100%, no way it can boil over hit rate. Two spoons? No. You get a lid, you seal it.

No, the 100% hit rate is you take a little, before you boil, you take a little paper towel, you put a little olive oil on it, and you just rub the olive oil on the top of the rim. Oh, it can't grip? It can't grip and climb out. That's 100% hit rate. You can't boil over.

None of this makes any sense. The boiling water's doing what it do, man. Why does it care about a spoon? It feels like what happens is when the when the water really gets boiling where it's where it boils over It's the bubbles are out of control and someone's just gonna tell them bubbles I think it's just telling these bubbles get back at your place get back at that water. You don't belong here bubbles I'm I feel like I need to try this immediately. You should it's pretty fun to Defeat these bubbles. All right, It's pretty fun to defeat these bubbles.

All right, Jason's final team, big wooden spoon, chef's knife, fish turner, pizza cutter. I've got the ice cream scoop, the chopsticks, and a spoon and a fork. Mike, you've got the smork, the combo, two for one. The whisk, the cheese grater, and the ladle, and there you go. What did we learn today? A lot.

A lot. I didn't know what a fish turner was. I didn't know what a chef's knife was. And I didn't know that a big spoon is some sort of sentient being. Witchcraft. Yeah. I learned that a centaur can get in a vehicle. I was unaware of that

You're not seen. I've seen it. I just didn't remember sometimes we learn things again Mike And I learned that The bigger you are the bigger the plume Ain't that the truth brother? My plumes getting bigger by the day. Yes, it is That'll do it. I want to leave my family a lot Okay, so you want to spill me a couple times Goodbye everybody. Goodbye It is. That'll do it. I wanna leave my family a lot. In case they wanna spill me a couple times. Goodbye everybody.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.