Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Necktie Napkins & A Beach Battle - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

Spit Hit for Sept 10th, 2026: Baby bibs, high heels, and seedy motels. The fellas try all kinds of things on for size in today’s ‘Would You Rather?’ segment. Then we play some Ballerdash and see if Andy can somehow be worse than he was last time we played. Lastly, we close it down with a new battle royale draft - on the beach! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A boob, boob. Bob-dob-d-do-do-bo-da-bo-do. I'm not going to stop. I was going to give you some space. I was so happy you didn't stop. Stand back.

Welcome, man. I got to think I'm doing. I'm doing something. Spitballers episode number 333. 33 times. That darn intro has called us buffoons. Have we really genuinely done 332 previous abominations? 33 episodes of this show, which we're a person.

approaching one for every day of the year. Oh, yeah. Do we quit then? Is that it? I think we have to. It's definitely too much. Oh, yeah. Too many.

Would you rather, we're playing Ballardash and we are drafting. This will be a fun one. We haven't had a battle royal in quite some time. A beach battle. So we'll be on the beach, grabbing things on the beach. Killing each other. Yeah. On the beach.

On the beach. Right. Yeah, I like to think of every battle royale to be like we are always enjoying like a normal day together. Like we're all just hanging out and a battle to the death breaks out. Like a whistle goes like so you all of a sudden we're just chilling. Or you look at me a little bit off and I'm like, I'm going to kill you. Oh, you think we're going to just start it. Just like.

I don't know. It's like we had a normal day. We're all like, hey, let's go to the beach guys. Yeah. This is a good time. And then we set up the beach chairs and then all of a sudden it's like, wow, wow. Yeah. It's like, all right, let's fight to the death.

Okay. So we'll be drafting that today. Al Borland in the building after that double scat performance in episode 332. What a performance it was. Mike, you followed it up. Great. I will wreck it next episode.

Don't worry. He's already dreading it. You're already dreading the last... I hate when Mike's scats because it means I'm up next. Well, let's kick it off. Would you rather? Kelsey from the website, during your 10-day cross-country road trip,

would you rather do all the driving in a luxury SUV or a vehicle of your choice? This is the Jason Moore special while staying overnight in CEDY motel. So you get the nice SUV, CD motel. 10 days of driving. That's a long time. It's a lot of driving. Or do that 10-day cross-country road trip in a Prius

while staying overnight in five-star. hotels. Oh, man. It doesn't matter what I have to say on this. I cede the floor. This is the Jason Moore special, for sure. Dude. Am I driving?

Yeah. I mean, you would be driving some at least. Okay. Are you saying you'd rather be a passenger in a Prius than the driver of a Prius? Yes, correct. Yeah. Really? Does that actually make a difference?

It does make a difference. I mean, I'll be honest, I've written in Priuses when we travel. Pre-I. Pre-I. a lot of cities like that's the primary taxi cab you know you go to LAX or something and you go to get in a cab and it's like nine out of ten cars are all Prius. Why is that? I don't know. Well, I mean, I just thought I could trick you into saying something to their effect like the positive.

They're cheap. Gas mileage is okay. They're trying to give those things away to people. So I imagine they go to taxi companies and be like, hey, look, I'll give you like a. 10 for one special. Do you guys, do you guys have memories of when hybrids started to come out? Yeah. And it was like, holy crap.

I can get 60 miles per gallon? You got to be kidding me. Back then, gas was all the way up there at a dollar. That was pretty expensive. But what's the choice here, Jay? You got to answer this first because this is really, you're more of an SUV and the five-star hotel guy. I'm going to take, that's what I'm going to take.

That's, I'm going to take the SUV and five-star hotels. Oh, I'm just going to go. Let's check in with Al on that one. Owl, is that allowed? D-Night. Not allow. All right. Well, they tried and failed again to put me in a Prius.

I will be sleeping in seedy hotels. Oh, we did try. Okay. Change of plans. You're driving the whole time in the Prius. Well, then I am. Okay. Oh, you picked the seat.

Yeah. I was like, that makes it even easier. I will say it if I was, if I was, if I was, was chauffered in a Prius, I would, I would be more tempted to take it. This one is just, it feels like just a question for Jason, because I think the easy answer for us, we just drive the Prius and get the five-star hotels. Yeah, absolutely. Because you get better gas mileage anyway. We're paying less on gas. That's how we're in the five-star hotels. Yeah, that's how we can afford it. But you've got an image to uphold. I have standards to keep. That's it. Yeah. I have, I have my morality. Would you feel

more comfortable. So you said chauffeur, would you rather be riding shotgun? No. Or you'd rather be in the back? No one's in shotgun. Correct. Yeah. I'm Miss Daisy. Just drive me around. Of all of us, you are the Miss Daisy. Greg from Patreon, would you rather have to pull out a pacifier and put it in your mouth for one minute every time you get upset or angry? That's funny. That idea that you recognize you get angry and you got to pop one out. I could see a therapist recommending that. All right. Here's what we're going to do this week.

Every time you get mad, I'm going to give you this passy. And every time you get mad, you're going to reach in your pocket. Yeah, that could be a diagnosis. The diagnosis is you're being a big fat baby. Yeah. So that's option one or have to pull out and use an actual pink baby bib and toddler utensils any time you eat anything. Oh, well, first of all. Bibbing up would be, we need to bring that back.

Bibs should be a normal thing. They really should. I mean, that's just, that's like, let's normalize bibs. However, have you seen my shirts? Yes. Let's normalize bibs. So here's a funny thing. I spent years alongside Andy making fun of Andy for having his shelf spot.

Yeah, I have a drinking problem. I've got an eating problem. It falls upon thy shelf. Right where the belly starts protruding. There is often a stained little spot there. Honestly, look down not knowing. Yeah, not knowing is today because, you know, half the times it's there. Yeah.

And so for years, I enjoyed laughing at Andy's own joke. And then I lost enough weight where I stopped buying purely black shirts. Turns out, I got a lot of shelf spots. You got a problem too. Oh, yeah. Black was hiding. How many times you were dripping on yourself? I promise all my black shirts have the have the spot, but you just can't see it.

That is so funny. So, like, when I go through my class. I need to re-buy a bunch of my shirts. I got like a light blue shirt. I got a cream shirt. And it's like they're all stained. Every single one of them have a stain mark on them.

We need bibs. When did we move away from the proper move was you tuck the napkin into the shirt? Right. That's basically a bib. Was that ever a thing or is that just something? I'm trying to think about what the lore of that is because I feel like that always came with somebody being extra hungry in the cartoons or the movies. It was like, oh, I'm starting.

Like you put the napkin in and then you grab your fork and knife and you hold them. That's what I mean. I think that was just preparing for mealtime. Was it just a bit that then turned into some weird shared memory collection that we all have? Or did people actually use to do that? I think people used to do that because if you watch old shows, which I don't really watch, Andy, we'll refer to you on this one. But I feel like at dinner time, I don't know. It's very common in old shows for people to tuck that napkin in there.

In their neck sleeve. What do you call that? Their collar? Thank you. Their neck sleeves. I'll tell you this. Like, I've had a handful of times. Luckily, not a lot.

Like, there are people that work in business and unbelievable. Like if you're in a suit and tie all day, like a white, like a white undershirt or a, like, yeah, white button up under the suit jacket. And you are eating lunch every day with that. Can you imagine my world? I wouldn't have a sales deal go through. be walking in there with a meatball on me. You got to bib up. So that's what I feel like it's the right call. Here's the, the AI overlords are telling me. Okay. Because I said, when did people

stop doing it? And it said, you know, people that we haven't stopped completely. Oh, I can tell you, drive through Jason has not stopped doing that. If I'm in the car, I'm pushing that in the real? You do that? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Now is this your own, that's got to be way more embarrassing than just eating in the car. Well, of course, but I'm already, I'm already full of shame. I'm in shame mode. Why do you think he has a legal tent on his side windows? Oh, yeah. You're not CNN in my car. No way. So, it is so dangerous to drive. 1,700s.

Where do you tuck the napkin when you have no shirt on? It was very common. I just lay that on the shell. Early 1900s still fairly common, especially in formal dining and among children. And then between the 40s and 16, or 40s and 60s, the decline began as etiquette shifted toward placing the napkin in the lap. So, yeah, that is the place. Partly due to changing fashion, apparently. Because ties, ties and open collars made it less practical. So the already kind of silly fashion thing of us wearing ties, which is really strange when you actually think about what you're doing.

It is funny. Dude, it's wearing a tie a piece of cloth to hang off your neck downward. It's so weird. That's silly. It's silly. It's silly when you think about it. A tie is absurd. At least a jacket, a suit jacket.

Okay, it makes sense. It's a jacket. I'm not saying you don't look sharp when you do it. But I'm trying to. It's so weird. It's the purpose. What's the difference between that and hanging it around your, putting it around your head and hanging it? Yeah.

Right over your, right over your. Like an angler fish. Like an angler fish. It's just a decoration. Or sideways. It's funny. We decided this. And because of it, we have lost the ability to tuck napkins into our shirts.

And you know what? As you were reading that, I realized like when, so I often wear polo shirts. That's really hard in the drive-thru to napkin up here. And so that was part of the, so it's the tie or the open collar. I figured it out. A tie that opens into a napkin. A tie that opens into a napkin. Or just an oversized tie.

Just a huge wide tie. And you can flip it if you spill on it. Well, then it'll stain the shirt. Well, after it dries. So the crazy thing about that was, did I hear you throw out a 1700s in here? In the 1700s to 1800s tucking napkins into the collar was common. especially among upper class men. So you were correct in the sense that that used to be the norm.

Yeah, I guess it did. And we got rid of that. Because we're like, let's wear ties. Let's have this thing that I feel like I'm slowly being choked through the whole day. Like, if you were tucking them as a, like, they had a real old edges. Yeah, these weren't paper. It looked nice, right? Because you were showing it off.

Yeah. It was a collar in itself. It's still funny, though, because it is, like all of us everywhere would always like to believe we aren't going to spill food for our mouths. Like spilling fruit from your mouth does... I shouldn't need a napkin. It seems like a baby would do that. You need a napkin for your fingers. Right. If they're greasy, if you're eating something like that, you should not need a blanket. Right, to guard your belly. But you do. But you do. You got to be a realist in this world. But I will say this, getting back to the question. We've all had babies and baby bibs.

Oh, there was... They couldn't possibly fit around our neck. Well, you're just saying there's one that does fit. Okay, so this fits? I'm not trying to put an infant-sized... Nope. It actually fits. The pacifier thing would, I think, be the one I'm going to go with, because I do believe it will train me to stop being angry or upset. Man, I feel like that would make me angry.

Just like... Wait, you're in a permanent... In your time out. Are you in a permanent loop? Because then as soon as... As soon as I stop... I just got to keep... Maggie Simpson. No, I'm going to go that. I do think

that one will help me out. I'm not pulling out toddler utensils every time I... That's the issue. The bib is an upgrade. the toddler utensils are a real problem. I'm going to have to have Mommy cut my steak. You know, because if I get a fillet and I've got these little plastic fork and knife, tiny things, I'm going to have to eat it with my hands.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true. So I guess we're all taking the passy. Joseph from the website, would you rather have all your shoes sound the way high heels sound or all of them sound the way flip-flops? So it's like a, like a click. clack or a flip-flop. Yeah.

Nice on a panopoeia. I mean, if you heard, close your eyes for a moment. All right. And you are. Not if you're driving. Not if you're driving. Thank you. Unless you're on autopilot.

If you... Didn't take a nap. Don't even listen. If you hear those two sounds, the high heel sound. Yeah. Or the flip-flop sound. What comes along with that sound? What is your assumption around those people? Well, the high heels is, you're like, there is going to be a nicely dressed

lady. Nicely dressed. Or the flip flops is a hippie. Right. Who probably stinks. Right. They're about to roll through with their flippity floppity. I don't have those same thoughts. The flip flop thoughts are the same for me. Guess who doesn't wear flip flops on this show and who does? I, when I hear flip flops, I think beach. I think pool. Successful man with beard. I think comfort. It's just stunning, attractive. Smells so good. I think. Like lil la la. Yeah. There's a lazy element to flip flops. Flip flops are inherently.

The sound of flip flops says, I just, this is, I would have gone barefoot if I could have. This is as close as I get to barefoot. But heels also, like the sound of heels are very annoying. It's more abrasive. Like when I'm at home, it's no different. It doesn't sound any different than boots. Boots and heels, they sound the same when they walk. Heels are a woman's neck tie.

Boots. Boots. Like a rubber. No, like real boots. Yeah, but a real boot's going to have a rubber sole. Like a heel? Sure, it's got a rubber sole. It'll sound like if I'm on tile when I hear it walking. No way.

Yeah. No way. Yes, it is. It can't possibly sound the same. With the science of the pressure of just how small the hue is. It's going to click clock. High heels are a very unique sound. Yeah.

And I do feel like it is the woman's version of the necktie. Every time I see a woman wearing high heels, I'm like, I feel bad. because your feet are in agony and you've got to learn how to walk with that and then going upstairs or moving around like... But at least that one serves some kind of like purpose.

You're saying the height of it? Yeah, exactly. Like there's no redeemable quality to putting a tie on other than you're choking. I just slowly. The whole idea of being forced into something

so that people think something is funny. And we do it and it's our culture and other cultures are very different. They do different things that way. So, okay, let me just ask Deucer's Alley. Do you guys have the same kind of

double vision of classy versus trashy here on the flip-flops? On the heels versus flip-flops? Yeah, I do. Yes. Okay. What percentage of people in Walmart are in flip-flops? I'm not trying. I don't care. I don't know. I've never been able to

get on board with foot-plops just in general. I don't, like, I actually, they're very comfortable. I don't think for years I wore at all. That little, uh, the toe, the toe thong. Oh, they're, they're, they're very comfortable. Yeah. I can tell you.

I get it. There are some that are not comfortable. For, I don't know, what would we say? The, like, seven years of doing this, uh, business together. I wore exclusively an only flip-lip-lop-y-floppy-y-flop-y-git. I was a flippity-flop-dy-goy. Very comfortable. Very easy.

But, Jeremy, what was the words you used to describe it? I don't care. I'm not trying. That is correct. That is 100%. Now you're a trier. Yeah, I mean, I lost enough weight where I can breathe when I put on shoes. So I'm like, oh, I can put on shoes again.

So that's helpful. My son does the Birkenstocks with socks. Oh, that's my son does too. And I don't understand. And he was so uncomfortable in the Birkenstocks for the first like seven, eight days. Yeah, you got to break them in and broke them in. Got to break him in. Or your foot slides out slightly and your heel catches the edge of it.

and you go down like a sack of potatoes. Let me tell you this, Birkenstocks, not gym shoes. He's in the gym, and he's getting pulled around, by the way. It's just sliding like Christy Amaguchi. Wait, he's working out in Birkenstocks? Brother, these children of ours are. Close-toe shoes. These children of ours are going to gyms in Birkenstocks and jorts.

And even worse than that, the big old, what are the, you're famous? They're not Jinkos anymore. No, they are Jinkgo. Well, there's another brand. Jinko brand is still there. Back. There's a different brand. Yeah, there's a bunch of them.

We've got a young adult in here. What's the other brand? I have no idea. They're working out with these things with no regard for anything. They wouldn't do like sports in them though, right? I think they'll do anything they want. They make their own rules. I think they make their own rules.

Okay. I guess based on polling the audience here, we all have to take the sound of the high heels. Yeah, because we sound fancy. Yeah. Yeah, sounding classy versus sounding like you don't care. Hmm. I still relate flip-flops to pool side each side. I relate high-heel sounds.

There's some realtor walking up to me to sell me something. That's the problem. Yeah, the issue is like how often are you going to run into a situation where it sounds like you hear the high heel sound and you're like, that's weird. It's more intimidating. Yeah. If you're in flip flops, you never intimidate nobody. That's true. Yeah, but what if? They think you're lower than anybody. What if I take the high heel sound and I wear flip flops and they hear me coming?

It will be. And then I round the corner and they go, what? It'll be very, what an incredible bit you'd be able to pull on. You think you could walk in high heels? Yeah. You do? I do. Like the real ones?

The ones are wild, man. I mean, I don't think they're basically just standing on their toes. Play basketball on them, but I think I could wear high heels. I feel like that's I don't know if they make them in my foot size Goliath Yeah Goliath

See him walking in with some high heels And a bib around his neck Dude you'd be six feet tall Oh that I would Oh man I got to get me some high heels All right Jeremy'd be like 53

Oh man Al any any thoughts there You're getting a three I get paid to take this abuse Keep it coming He does get He does get a check All right, we're going to take a break and we're going to play a game.

What time is it? Game time. All right, if I, if my memory serves me, which, look, it's not that great of a memory. We're playing Ballardash and I believe I may have had the worst showing in this game and the history of games. Oh, that is correct. I don't know if I, I think I scored maybe a point. I think you did. You got on the board. On the final round one point.

But it was one of the worst. I think that was it. You ended with two points. Oh, well. Final round is double points. It was 14 to 10 to 2. 14 to 10 to 2. Wowsers.

Yeah, so I, I, uh, impressive. Honestly, I'm throwing it all away. All my strategies thrown away. You didn't watch the tape. All new stuff. I'm doing all new stuff this time. You guys are going to guess all my stuff. Okay.

Right. Let's doubt that. This is one of the mini games that we struggle to always explain perfectly. But, uh, we have been given five different prompts in five different categories. We gave our answers to Owl. Owl's the only one who has them. We have not seen one another's answers. We are working through a definition of a word,

a notable person, an acronym, a movie plot, and a weird law. Al will read each of our answers back to us along with the real answer, and we will try to guess. And based on whether we guess each other's answers or get the right answer, we'll get a certain amount of points.

Okay, you're off to a good start. That was the best you've ever explained. I felt like it was not bad. No, for the first time going into the game, now I know what we're doing. Okay, good, good. That was great. So let's go ahead. It's two points if you get the correct answer.

One point if you're an opponent guesses your fake answer, and Al is going to kick it off right now. All right. We're going to start with definition, and the word is garboil. Garboil. Garboil. That's a funny word. We're laughing at the word.

It's a statue at the top of a building with wings and fangs. Oh, nice. go there. I did go there. All right. So, all right. Is a garboil, a state of commotion, confusion, or uproar? Commotion. All right.

Oh my gosh. Is it a garboil? Is it a disagreement between flocks of birds? Disagreement. Is it the combination of cooking and eating as fast as one can?

Okay. Cooking and eating. Fast. Or is it a tangled mess, I'm sorry, a tangled mass of seaweed found on rocky shores. Okay. So they like, basically extreme confusion. Disagreement with birds. Bird quarrel. The cooking and eating fast or a tangled mass of seaweed. You got it. That's it. Oh my gosh. So we take turns locking in first, I guess. Sure. Jason? Oh, I go first. Why you seem so enthusiastic. I am so entertained by not knowing how to

spell the word confusion. I'm going to take that one. I literally started with... You want to give it a shot? See you and I kept getting stuck. I was like, that is not right. No, you should stop spelling immediately. That is my answer as well. I'm going to do the commotion one. I feel like Jason's protesting

too much. Oh, man. You guys are both on that one? Well, I like the seaweed one the most. I'm going to go with that one. Okay, what is the right answer, Al? The correct answer is the state of commotion, confusion, or uproar. Oh, nice. So we got. Someone got a lot of points.

Jason and Annie both got two there. And then Jason gets a bonus because Mike guessed his answer. I liked it. Thank you. I liked it. Nice. Also, I have as many points as the last entire game. That is correct.

We got Jason with three, Andy with two. Yeah, I did, man. That's very easy to get two points. I remember I was really close to being shut out? Yeah, yeah. All right. Like Mike. Yeah.

All right. Second one. The pressure's on. me. All right. We're going to move on to the notable person and that person is Frank Lathrop. Frank Abagnalli. Junior. Wait, what's the last name? Lathrop. L-A-T-H-R-O-P. Does that really matter, James? It's not a man. Origin. And what are the odds of you spelling it right?

That's a guy named Frank. Okay. That's a good point. It probably doesn't make a difference here. All right. Who is he born? Was Frank Lathrop, the youngest mayor in Ohio history, elected at age 7,000, Hmm. Okay. Reasonable. Was Frank Lathrop a retired underwater cartographer who tried to map Atlantis? Okay. Cartographer.

Was he the inventor of the toot trapper, a seat cushion designed to contain bad smelling gas? I believe that somebody tried that. Or was Frank Lathrop the first politician to win four non-consecutive elections? for non-consecutive. That's a good answer. That takes time. There's two of them are political. Political, but not just political, but dealing with like extreme.

The youngest or the other one had to be super old, right? Yeah, the non-consecutive. Unless there's like elections every month. So youngest mayor, cartographer, tootrapper, or the non-consecutive politician. So I guess then you start this one? Yeah, Andy. You will go first. And I've been in, I've got.

the first one right. So I really, everything else is gravy. Um, I'm going to go with the youngest mayor. So am I young mayor. Man, I really want to go to. I want to go toot and so follow your heart. But I think it's, I think it's the four consecutive. I'm, I'm going to lock that in. All right. Mike is going to get a point because Jason just guessed his answer. It's the toots. Jason gets two points. Oh, both Mike and Andy guess. We both. We both. We both. And yes, the correct answer was he's the inventor of the toot trapper. Oh, Mike, Jason should lose points. I got to follow my heart more. You should follow your heart.

Daggummit. The toot trapper? Yeah. Some gassy man. I am disappointed in myself. Tried to solve a problem. All right. But Jason's got Jason with five, Andy with two, and Mike with one. Yeah, you got a big lead. Still three rounds to go. Could have more if you guessed the right one. Also, I will just be in Googling a tootrapper from now on so you guys can play the game. All right, third round. All right, we're going to move on to the acronym, which is AKA.

Which, if this one is the regular. It can't be also known as. I didn't send that one in. No, it can't be. There's no way. Otherwise, that's just like on the nose. He would never do that. Okay.

All right. Is AKA the Alabama Karate Association? Possible. Carate. Okay. Is A. A.k.a. Also known as. Wait, what?

No. No, Jason Moore. I mean, it is. It is also. That's not the real one, though. It is Jason, isn't it? It's got to be Jason. Is AKA Alliance for Knowledge Advancement. Okay, no one. Knowledge. Or is it American Kite Flyers Association? Nope. All right, Mike, you're the first locker in this way. Alabama karate, also known as.

The alliance of what, knowledge? Alliance for Knowledge Advancement. An American kite flyer? Correct. Okay. Association. Okay. I'm going with the kites.

I'm going to go with the knowledge. I'm going to go with the karate. So we all chose a different answer. Well, I submitted the correct answer. Okay, to be fair, AKA is also known as. We all should have submitted. We all saw through. Yeah, it's like, oh, this is easy.

I told Jeremy when I said it back, I was like, nailed that one. L.O.L. All right, go ahead and give us the right answer. The correct answer was American Kite Flyers Association. Yeah, baby. Dang it. So Mike gets two points there. He also gets another point because Mike's answer was the Alabama Karate Association. And then Andy gets one point because Jason guessed his answer.

Which I believe breaks a streak of a million times in a row that no one's guessed my answer. So, thank you, Jason. You're welcome. We are so back. We are. And I am so back in third place. We got Jason at five, Mike at four, Andy at three, two rounds to go. The next one, I'm going to give you a movie title, and we're going to describe the plot of the movie.

And that movie title is Hearts Divided. Is that movie, Twin Brothers on opposite sides of the Civil War unknowingly lead armies into battle against one another. That's good answer. Twin brothers? Mike's camera is... Oh, that's got to be. There it is. No, no, go back.

Go back to me. Go back. The blood will run to the solo. Go to the solo. Go to the solo. Oh, boo. Man, just so you guys all know. I was the devil for five seconds.

Just see you know. The Falcons, first time on cameras today. Yeah. How did you do that? The blood. How did you mess it up, Falcon? I have no idea, but somehow I did. Okay.

Let's get back to the game. Start over again. Hearts divided. The first one. twin brothers in a civil war very long age. Do I need to read that again? No, we don't.

Is hearts divided a romantic comedy set during a divorce lawyer's retreat in Napa Valley? Divorce lawyer, okay. Is it Napoleon's brother travels to America to negotiate for France but falls in love with an American woman? No way.

Okay. Napoleon's brother? Or is it a group of kids sneak away from their summer camp only to become trapped on an arachnid infested island. Hearts divided? What? That was the plot to like the last one. Oh, you know what? That's on me.

I didn't get that one copied into the dock right. Is that the right answer? That's the right answer from a different time ago. No, that was from last time we did Ballardown. I was like, I remember this. That was like Spider Island or something. Yeah. So what is the, okay.

The last, camera's turning off. Okay. The last plot is a couple's love. is put to the test when a wife discovers her husband is a bloodthirsty werewolf. Oh, okay. Sure. Okay. I'll take the spider one.

So we got the twin brothers, the divorce lawyers, the Napoleon one, and the camp, the couples love werewolf thing. Mm-hmm. All right. And Jason, you get to go first. I'm going to play the game of how did we screw up and take couples love. Okay. Andy? I will go with Napoleon's brother.

Dude, I'm going to Napoleon's brother, too. That's so stupid. Jason, if you got two points, I'm going to be so happy. It's not mine. Oh, baby, come on. The correct answer. Napoleon's brother. Oh, my gosh.

This is a real movie? It is. It's called Hearts Divided. Oh, man. One of them wanted to conquer the world. And my screw up got Mike an additional point. Yeah, did. Yeah.

Oh, I would know. That was not a good answer, but I was like, oh, man. He just had last week's... I assume what he failed to copy and paste was one of our answers, so I avoided that one. Yeah. So, wait, how close are we here? We got Mike with seven and you two both have five.

Oh, boy. Anybody could win now. Anybody could win. Yeah. Anybody could lose. The last one we got is a weird law. And that law is in Charleston, South Carolina, all horses are required to wear reflective vests after sundown.

What? Nice. Wear diapers while on six. city streets. Oh, man. Oh, that could be. Dipe up. To obey a speed limit of 10 miles per hour.

Okay. Maybe. Or to undergo weekly hydration checks in summer months. Hydration checks. What? Massachusetts? Charleston, South Carolina. I was way off.

Sanchez. Massachusetts? So, reflective vest, diapers on the street, speed limit, or hydration checks? I feel like we should I feel like we should each have to honorably lock without sharing. I like that for the last round. For the last round, you know.

You can't just gamify it. All right. I have mine locked. I will be a man of honor. How often were the hydration checks? Weekly. In summer months, but weekly, yes. And that was Rhode Island, was it?

What was Frank's last name? Abignale. All right, I got mine locked. All right, I am locked. I have it written down and circled. I'm going diaper up, baby. Oh, man. I'm diapers too.

Oh, I'm hydration checks. All right. The correct answer was diapers. Yeah. Oh, so we tied. No, we didn't. No, Andy gets one extra point. What was?

Wait, you came from behind at one? He sure did. That's the three points, baby. Andy has eight. Jason and Mike both have seven. Thank you for the hydration. check, Mike. You're welcome. Wow, Andy. It seemed like the most humane of the answers. I will tell you when I was making that one up, I couldn't decide the amount of time between hydration checks.

A week got me. And I wasn't sure. A week a month. What do I do here? A month, I never would have fallen for that. Oh, man. What a comeback, Andy. Wow. Yeah, that was better than the two-point performance last time. I'll take it. All right. We'll take a break. We'll get into that battle. Dollar's draft. All right. We, you know, just a casual, fun day on the beach, turn violent, battle royale, beach items only. Grab what's near you and let's go to war.

What a draft to get the first pick, guys. I know. I was so jealous of my pick. There is no way that this is the top of your guys' list. So I will be taking. I'm looking at my list here. I'm going with a good old-fashioned umbrella. Oh, that was definitely the one-on-one.

That's the 101 for me, too. Oh, okay. Because a beach umbrella, unlike other umbrellas, all have to have a sharp point. You have to have a sharp point in the bottom because you're going in the same. Right. This is not a plastic beach umbrella. This is usually a metal pole.

They're normally really strong. They've got to get down in there. And you can use it as a shield. Yeah. It's a very multi-purpose. It's a little unwieldy as a speed. but it can, it works. If there is any level of wind, I am toast.

Oh, you go flying? Mary Poppins' this thing. Those things inside out at the, that's true. A slight inconvite. Someone sneezes and that in your umbrella is like, okay, but the umbrella, the umbrella spear was going to be my one-on-one.

So I'm, it wouldn't have got through you, Jay. No, no, it would not have. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to start on defense here. I'm going to get myself a nice shield. I also think I can use it as a blunt object as, you know, I can swing this thing around. Okay.

And they're bigger than you think, but they're made to handle. And it's a surfboard. Oh, okay. Taking a surfboard like a baseball back to your body. Those are heavy, man. Yeah. Those are heavy. I've carried them.

You think I'm very strong. You don't think I catch waves, bro? It's interesting. Mike's got the spears coming at you. You got the surfboard. I was going to go with a shield as well, and it's still on the board because you took the surfboard. I'm going to take the more. You're going to take the smaller cousin. I'm going to take the smaller cousin that's easier

to carry. A buggy board? I'm taking a boogie board. Yeah, the boogie board was on mine. Do you know how many boogie boards I've snapped in the ocean? They are, there are boogie boards that do not have a strong plastic body. Probably more than zero. Wait, wait. Jay, do you know how many boogie boards you've snapped in the ocean? I don't think I have snapped, but I know they're snapable. I know that I know I could break a boogie board. On my knee, I could just snap that thing. Do you know how

many I've done? It's none. But you can imagine if I did, right? Imagine how it could be done. Now, I'm starting to wonder if he's actually carried a surfboard now. Me too, brother. I have no idea.

I've carried him. I got a picture. You think I haven't carried a surfboard? Give me that picture. Like, win. Some CGI picture of him on the server. I don't know that I've ever carried a surfboard. surfboard? They're big.

I want to be able to move around. All right. I'm going. Do you know how many of snaps? Just a question. It was just a question. The answer was probably no. You don't know how many.

Oh, you're counting on that answer. All right. I'm going to follow boogie board up with what I consider to be. I think it's going to be a weapon. It's going to run out eventually. But I'm going to spray sunblock. Oh, that was number two of my list. That was definitely in the world.

I mean, I try on purpose to use that and not get it in my eyes and it still gets in my eyes. So if I'm trying to get it in your eyes, that seems like that'll be easy. It's definitely toxic warfare, for sure. You're causing short-term blindness and long-term cancer for sure. However, however, Mike and I, we are not going to sunburn. I'm going to put my back out there when you spray. I'm going to be like, thank you. Oh, he's going to dodge with strategic body placement.

Take care of these shoulders. I don't want to toast them. Exactly. give my neck okay um oh what is that someone left one of these out on the beach how how nice i'll take a tank i'll take a machete no i will beach machete i will take a fishing pole okay okay because it was on my list i wasn't sure if we were going to allow it's right on the edge that's why i didn't take it last time it was ahead of surfboard but i figured if it went later in the draft I thought you meant last time we drafted beach items or something.

No, it, you see it occasionally. People do fish off the beach. Yeah, the pier at the beach. The people are fishing. And the only thing I know is you won't have a fish on it. I will not have a fish on it. I'm going to have a man on it. Oh, you're going to hook me?

I'm going to hook you? You're going to hook me? I'm going to swing the hook around. Oh, you're hooking yourself. For sure. For sure I'm hooking myself. Yeah, you're going to cast and your shirt's going to come right off the top. Just whew.

But you won't get burned. That's right. It sure pops off. Yeah, that's right. Thank you for your sunblock. Yeah. All right. You're going fishing pole, Mike.

You've got the beach spear umbrella. All right. You are running around with that thing, hoping it doesn't pop open. So, yes. The first pick, we're going to take some projectiles. So I'm taking beers slash sodas. Okay. All right.

You got them in the cooler? These things are very closed. None of this bull crap making me open my can before I go to the beach. Oh, these are you brought them in the cooler. I'm just thinking of. concert rules and where they make you open. You can't. Like, no, this thing is closed. It is a project. Don't be mistaken. When I throw this, it's not leaking.

And then I'm going to take, I'm going to take a metal detector. Interesting. A metal detector. I feel like those are going to be lightweight enough to, to be on my list. To be able to swing a few times, but also heavy enough to do some damage. And you have to strap into those. You could end up finding more weapons. The whole fight could get called off if this thing starts beeping.

Yeah. Because everyone's going to want to start digging up treasure. Huh. I mean, but you could end up finding just like a knife? You know what I'm? A beach machete. You could just accidentally find one of the valuable beach machetes. I was buried here.

I like the idea that we're in the middle of the fight and Mike goes, hold on, hold on. I found a ring. There's gold in these hills. Is that gold a metal that comes up on those, Jason? Is that what you were saying, Mr. Metal? Is that what you just tried to? It is. Is it really?

Yes. Oh, I don't. know if I believe it. Well, it is. Really? You can metal detect gold? Yeah. Trust the man who knows metal. Okay. All right. You can metal detect a metal? It is a precious metal. Yeah, that makes

sense, but why? I mean, you don't see them in like when they go gold mine and they don't got those things. Yeah, why aren't they using that over the water? That's all I'm saying. Can we not just juice these things up, make them stronger? Just blast the ground. Let me know where the gold is. All righty. Probably other metals in the ground, huh? I'm up right now. I've got two.

Do I have two things or three things? You figure that out. Okay. You've drafted two things. Oh, so far, yeah. Surfboard and fishing pole. Surfboard and a fishing pole. So I got a little offense, a little defense.

I'm going to lay claim. I'm drafting it, which means you guys can't use it against me. Oh, no. I'm drafting sand. Oh, dude, I thought I was going to get on my last deck. Oh, I'm digging moats. I'm throwing in your eyes. Oh, you get all sand?

And I get the sand. The beach is mine. Pocket sand is devastating. You get a, then I get waves. Are you going to draft it? You got to get me in the water for you want. I just feel like you get a bucket of sand, man. I have, you get a bucket.

I didn't draft a bucket. I didn't draft a bucket. I drafted the sand. I had sand on my list, Jason. I am, I am totally poor of this. You can just take parts of beach? I took beach.

Yes. You drafted beach? I draft the sand. Well, then I've got to get outside. I'm on home court advantage now. You guys are going in my arena. I got to go outside the box here. I didn't want to have to take it, but I'm taking a bikini top

slingshot. A bikini top slingshot. So you're using a bikini top as a sling. Yes, I am. But you've got no sand to put in there. I don't need sand. I get the rocks. Did you get the rocks too? Yeah, he's get rocks. No, I'm drafting rocks and air. You know what gets to breathe. No one can breathe. That's my air. That's my air. You spit that out. Blow that out right now. All right. I'm going to go one more, man, I don't really have. I got the bikini top sling. The sunblock spray, got the boogie board. So I want defense or offense here. All right.

I'm going snorkel flippers sneak attack. You're not seeing me. I'm going to go into the water. I disappear. And then when you get on, you're not able to walk. This is awesome news. Your best bet for this. Don't sneak into the water, though.

No, I'm not playing on it. I won't. You, the sharks can get you. Mike and I'll be fighting. Well, Mike's not allowed on the sand. It's all yours. You're not allowed. walk on the sand.

All right. All right. That's my horrible final pick. Jason has a surfboard of fishing pole in sand. All of it. And I'm going to take something that I am legitimately a master of.

And I mean this as a weapon. I am, look, I might not have actually broken boogie boards. But I have... But I have... You just lied. No, I didn't lie. That's the question.

No lies were told. Which is that like an elite strategy that we have not. You're like, I'm not lying. I'm just asking a question. I'm just asking a question. Do you know how many forklifts I've operated? Yeah. No, but I have-

Let me operate that forklift. I promise you guys don't ever want to see me with this weapon. Oh, no. It's a speedo. It's a beach towel. Oh. You're a whipper master? I can whip.

I snap. And it sounds like a whip crack. I mean, you're... Well, you got to go down to the water world. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you got to get a wet. Absolutely. I'll get that.

I'll get that. I'm popping out. Yeah, he is. And I'm going to blow some water in your face. Oh, man. I'll wrap that towel on your head. I'll break with my snorkeling my big feet. Oh, yeah.

Dude, back in high school in the basketball locker rooms, those towel fights were... Let me ask you a question. Nardly. How many times have you whipped a towel? A thousand. Oh, okay. Just making sure that one's real.

That one's real. All right. I'll leave a bruise. The beach towel's a good pick. It was a battle of the death. The bruise probably won't do much. Yeah. Gotcha.

I'll wrap it around your neck too. That really hurts. People do the towel whip for like play fun. Yeah. So, okay. Mike, you've got the umbrella, the beer soda cans and the metal detector, which detects the cans that you. It would.

If I lost one. If you lost one. Yeah, I would be able to play. After you. After you throw them, you're like, oh, I got to go get those. Let me grab my metal detector. Found it. See where they landed.

And the beach umbrella spear. So you got to finish it up with another amazing pick. I really thought that sand was going to make its way back to me. So I'm going to take. Don't worry. It'll be all in your eyes. I'm going to take, oh, what do we have here on the beach? Oh, no.

No, it's just some jellyfish that have. Oh, come on. They flew it up to the beach. No, wait a minute. They're dead though. Oh, yeah, they're dead. Yeah. But here's the thing.

You gotta touch them. But you can't use them without touching them. What do you think I'm going to do with my metal detector? I'm going to pick it up and fling them. Okay. All right. Whatever. I don't mind it.

Dead. Jellyfish. No, you put dead jellyfish on there. They are. It is written on my sheet as dead jellyfish. Okay. You're a man of honor. That's right.

Let me tell you how many times I've touched delet fish. Yeah. Do you know how many times I've thrown a jellyfish guys? That got through most of the picks that I had. I had a folding chair because, I mean, you'd use that like you would in WW. Absolutely. Smack someone around with it. A life vest, I thought, would work because that could be like protection.

Like armor a little bit. Yeah, a little bit of armor. Or he just go float away. And I did have flip-flop slap. Interesting. You could do that with your flippers. Right. I had the lifeguard torpedo float that like

Oh the different kind of yeah that's a good one It seems lighter than my surfboard Maybe I should have gone that way I had a tote bag You know what I mean? Filled out with my sand swing that around at you Now it's a mace and I had Yeah it's the exact same

Large conch cells Oh yeah What's that again? Conch shells I just wanted to hear you say it again Conch or is a conch? Conchonk! I think it's conch We'll never know I don't think I want to say it.

I don't think we have that knowledge. I had a coral on there. You're going to break some coral or just some washed up? Yeah, there's coral that washed up. That'd be good for my bikini top sling show. It would. It'll be excellent for it. I'm saying conk. It's a conch show? That's what I thought. That does sound

better. And then I had I had scuba tank, but I think those are just way too heavy. Yeah. Have any of you two scubaed before? No. I've never scubaed. No, I'm terrified of I don't think I'd like it. I'd be too It's not even the ears.

Like it's just getting to a depth where I couldn't. Yeah, something goes wrong. To the, I almost said ceiling. To the surface fast enough. Have you, either of you two inducers alley been scuba diving before? I have not been scuba diving. I've been snuba diving.

I've always wanted it. That's what the like, is that like the little canister? No, it's not on your back. Yeah. Oh, it's the long tank floats on the surface of the water with like a 20-foot hose. That's okay. Why does that feel safer?

It feels like a poor man. I don't know. it is what about you cameraman you got any blood red thoughts for us no okay scuba dive

can we get this back on Mike Solo cam can you do that again do you know how you must know how you did it well that's boring start button mashing you just button mashed oh that's what you should do could first first go around alright cheat codes in

what did we learn today I learned it was pronounced conch shells I learned how many times Jason has snapped a boogie board. And I learned that I got to open my mind. You can draft the whole dang beach in the right draft. Dude. You got to be open to your environment, man. I guess.

That's what a pro fighter does. That is it for today's Spitballers episode 333. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for following the show. We'll catch you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense,

guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.