Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Open Casket Magic & Best Frozen Foods - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

Get your weekly dose of laughter with a brand new episode of The Spitballers! Would you rather has us doing casket magic, what’s the difference brings true enlightenment and we bring things home with a Best Frozen Foods Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Do do do do, do, do, do, do, do, boo, do, do, do, boo. Oh, yeah, baby. Nice scat, Jason. Thank you. Jason with another hot scat. Man, I am good at scatting.

Let me try something on for size here. Welcome into the spitballers, Andy Mike and Jason with you. Jason, you haven't scattered in a really long time. It's been a minute. I'm just wondering, do you want, do you want me to like, should I pay you and you could do my scat? Like, is it just the fact it's your scat you don't want to do the pressure of you scatting? Like, if you did a scat for me, would the pressure come off?

Because then I don't care about it being good because it's like I'm doing your... I don't think so. It's not going to make a difference. I don't think that would make a difference. But I will say this. So obviously my next scat is now on the table for one and all in here. But there is a greater than zero near zero. A greater than zero percent of me than misses doing a scat.

Okay. I think the people are dying to hear. Is it greater than zero less than 10? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Eight? Probably not. But it's more than zero.

I never thought I could get off the ground. I've seen some anticipation on the social media for your next actual scat. Oh, it will be so good. We have, would you rather, what's the difference? And we are drafting the best frozen foods on today's episode of the show, which I thought I had some very obvious, like, I do think there's kind of like a number one and number two. Yes, there's a 101 and a 102 for sure.

I think there's two. But when I started opening that door to like, and by door, like the freezer door. The Costco aisle. Yeah. I started thinking there are quite a lot of answers to this question. So I think there'll be a lot of good picks. You can follow us, spitballerspod.com.

You can go to X at Spitballerspod, Instagram.com slash Spitballerspod. And we always appreciate it if you leave us a review. I don't think I've asked about that in a while. But like the reviews that we used to ask about on Apple Podcasts, still good. Still totally no expiration date. They're still good. Oh, right. They're still tasty.

Like, I didn't lose my desire for you to review the show and give us a sweet, sweet, five-star review. And I know that owl is mostly sustained by them, like, biologically sustained by the reviews. And financially. It's kind of like, yeah, it's kind of like an addiction. He's having withdrawals right now. Oh, a dependency. A dependency has been developed on five-star reviews.

Yeah, so if you just want to. Keep owl alive. If you just want to go in there. We should keep owl alive.com and have that forward to the review. Yeah, and you can comment about his appearance. That part doesn't matter in the review. You can talk about what he looks like. That's fine.

Yeah. We actually like that. We comment all the time. You know sometimes when you, so keep owl alive.com, right? You know sometimes when you have a website, when you say it totally makes sense, but then when you're writing and it's all lowercase.

It doesn't look right? It looks like, Kipao, la live. Oh, yeah, it does look at Kipau. Key pow. Key pow, la live. It does look like Key pal La Live

Okay Key pal L-A-L-L-A-L-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-O- Yeah But anyways, yeah, you live off of those, right? I mean, that's pretty much Absolutely. The majority of your diet, that and... We do read every one of them, or at least I do.

Yeah, so you want to send him a message about improvements he can make to his aesthetic. But he only reads the five- Or we can just talk about the show. Yeah, or the show or what you like about it. Yeah, I don't know. You look at that.

You look out. standing today. Thank you. That outfit is... You're a beautiful man. I don't know when this transition happened to where you just felt more bold and more bold. Oh, I know where it happened. On a cruise. On a cruise. Yeah, I mean, you are living life. Everything you have on today,

you should have worn that to golf history. Let me ask you a genuine question. Let me just zoom in here. Yes, since we're here on your appearance, Jeremy. Yeah. Once upon a time, you went on a cruise and you got a very specific shirt with like crazy purple outlines of this tree. And I know you got, you were wearing it right before, right after. And you got so many compliments on that shirt.

Did that specific shirt have an impact on you changing your normal day-to-day dress? It definitely didn't hurt. Yeah. I know. I know what shirt you're talking about. Yeah, you know, it was a great shirt. It looked like I had a special plant on it. Everybody likes a compliment.

Don't even act like the patterns aren't complicated guys. No, those patterns were super complicated. I spent all my per diem on that shirt. Yeah, you did. You did. All right, let's jump in. Would you rather? One store, Jeremy?

One store. Was it just one store? One store? Of course. Totally your exact style? How did they know? How did they know? Everything in there, you would buy.

Don't even out the door. Oh, somebody out there is laughing with us. Oh, there's plenty. Would you rather? never be able to wear a hat again. Owl. Or never be able to wear shorts again. Owl.

So full-length pants or never wear a hat again. Look. Oh, man. I enjoy wearing a hat out of just plain laziness. It is delightful. I like the look. Is that what it is?

Yeah. I feel like this is a question. But you have good hair. I feel like this question is purely attacking. me. This is a... This is a Jason question that is purely attacking me, because there are two things I need in life, and that's a hat and shorts. Which Papa Josh wears neither ever.

You realize this, right? That's true. Well, he's embraced his balding nature. He's not balding anymore. But the pants... He's just bald. Yeah. The pants is a self-fulfilling prophecy of he just, he never wears them, so his legs continue to get pastier. Yeah. So he wears the pants. You ever seen one of those biolumines? fish that live in the bottom of the ocean? I have. They glow.

And they're just, you can see through them. That's this guy's legs. That is not a joke. And if you, that's not a joke. Your wife probably says put on pants right now. Do you wear, do you wear pajama pants? Yeah, I do. Oh my goodness gracious.

So you, you are so ashamed of your lower legs. He's like, I want my lace to get a tan like a vampire. What are you swimming? in like a 1920s well then my legs are under water though so you don't see him then he wears jeans in the bush are you aware of the opacity

of water similar to the opacity of his legs true it's true but yeah and he's got a point they're like fish belly translucent oh thank you yeah because you only wear pants you know when you go and you buy a ream of see the sun you buy a ream of paper yeah it's like oh this is 98 whiteness

I'm pretty sure Josh is like a 99. That's a premium paper. You got to pay a lot to get. At this point, embrace the world record you're setting. Never be able to, I can't live without shorts. I'll figure my hair out. I'll do the hair. It's fine.

I wear shorts this past year in Arizona. I wore pants maybe three times. We didn't have a winner. We really did not have a winner. It was insane. I genuinely don't think I turned my house heater on one time. Which is crazy. No, that's how you need to live your life.

Banish heaters in Arizona. But the thing is, I wasn't, I wasn't cold. It wasn't that I was so angry at my heater. It was I didn't, I wanted to have to use my heater. I've been in my current house for going on close to 13 years. I've turned my heater on. We're talking one hand. The wife never wants to hear.

No. No, because you put a sweatshirt on. Okay. Put on some sweat pants. All we're saying is that we used to have to put pants on it. It's all I'm saying. Yeah. Now I don't. I think I think I would have to.

TRT. I think I have to keep the shorts. Yeah. I mean, this is tough because I'd be exposing problems. I'd be exposing problems. But, uh, future superpowers. Yeah. Yeah. So I went to Turkey, got a hair surgery.

Oh. Oh. Oh. What? What? Well, this is, this is a spitball. These are, these are, these are the people. So, this is breaking news for everyone here. So hopefully, hopefully it grows better than it is right now. Um, in the future and I can ditch hats, but I can't. What is that? I mean, can people, can you give people an expectation of, From now to Stamos, what do you? That's called the grave brother.

That's not happening. But now to full is probably, hopefully, I mean, it should be eight more months, but until good is four more months. Real question here. Okay. You pass away. Okay. Yeah.

I know it's a tough start to the story. It's coming soon. I understand. You pass away, your open casket. Do you want me a mic? Do you want like a piece? do want a hairpiece? Do I want a hair?

In the casket. Oh, a toupee. Do you want to have the most luscious casket hair you've ever had? Or I... Shorts. Or shorts in the casket. If I had to choose between those two...

If I had to choose between those two, I want formal wear. I'm going to be in pants. And a toupee. Because some of these touquets are pretty darn good. Oh, casket toupee is easy to pull up. It's not you don't have a much. move. Well, and you don't have to do the back. You don't have to do the back. It's really only a front. I was thinking maybe just put me in a hat, like a half of a top hat that they just lay on top because

you can't put a whole top hat on there. The back rim would get in the way. A half of a top hat. Do they do? You're going to need a taller casket. Do they offer like, no, it's all right. I'm short. I'm not 511. That's true. Do they offer like a like a makeup muscle contouring package? for the cask. For the nude open caskets. For the what? For the nude open caskets. Why would you need if it's not, if it's not, all the mode?

I'm just saying, no, I'm talking at least shirtless. I'm not going. I mean, you've never seen a shirtless open casket. No. I know. Hasselhoff maybe. But that's what I'm saying. Like, would, if I could be open casket and they would, because they can do amazing things.

But it's all makeup. Yeah, yeah. I want to see. You're like, whoa, do you know. You know, Grandpa had an eight-pack? I want to see someone in the world that can contour my big belly to look like a six-pack. They could do it. Nope, from one angle, it's going to be one of those like street art things where if you look from just to the side, you're like, oh.

Mine is going to be, there's not a real hole there. Mine's an open casket, but only my head shows and the rest is a digital screen below that. Oh, okay. So you're just going to walk up and you'll just be seeing CGI for the rest of the body. I want my open casket to be like a magician's where it's split in two. Oh, that'd be so sick. But you can really do it. You know what I mean?

There's no magic here. So like at the end, they're like, okay, everyone, thank you for joining us for this memorial of Jason Moore. And then two people walk up and they push it away. But it goes into two pieces. So that'd be cool. Which is both of him. Really?

If you want to be more practical than that and not just have the big reveal, you could have two caskets and two separate lines. so the lines go quicker. Oh, you just don't know whether you're seeing the bottom half or the top half until you get. I'd rather we split down the middle. You'd rather be, well,

then everybody sees. Oh, vertical. A vertical. A vertical. And you know what you do? Then you just put it at you up against a mirror. So it looks like there's two of you.

Dude, the line goes twice. It's so easy. We have just made the funeral line way more efficient. Somebody will have to cut you in half. Which is a pretty big problem. You know what? I'm okay with it.

The funeral line is the real challenge. It's a long time. I'm trying to get to the snacks. It's why they don't do open caskets anymore. Yes. The funeral homes are like, we're on a tight edge here. No, I opened up my app and I checked the line weight. I was like 20 minutes.

Is that two half caskets then? No, those would be two full caskets. With the mirror, you want to have the illusion. Oh, that's true. What if you just put it up against the wall? It would, if the wall was a mirror, you'd be fine. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that works.

All right, so we solve that problem. I don't want to pay for two caskies. But you need the wall because otherwise when you pull it away, you're going to roll out. Do shorter people pay less for a casket because of the timber requirements? I mean, everything is materials and resources. It should be like if Shack got buried. He will be more expensive. He will be upcharged.

Yes, he will. But I don't think they give discounts to small. Also, they don't discount you if you're short. No, you don't get a discount. And honestly, this is true. You don't get a discount in anything in the store for like a small. No, you don't. But I've seen extra charges for like, this is triple X.

Yeah, more material. You know how much fabric you causes? So you don't get a benefit of your tiny? No, we don't. Yeah, we all voted, right? I need to keep the shorts. We figured it out. Would you rather?

I don't even know what the question was. Have a mustache that grows two full inches every 24 hours. The question was, did you get a hair surgery in Turkey? The answer to that is no. Was that a question to Al? Would you do... Al would take a cruise to turkey. I would take a cruise to turkey.

I would take a cruise to turkey. cruise anywhere. Can you get to turkey via boat? Is that doable? Are they on a curse? There's enough water, yeah. Absolutely. Would you rather have a mustache that grows a full two inches every 24 hours? Or fingernails that grow two full inches every 24 hours? What kind of question is this? I'll take the mustache. Which hassle would you rather? I'll take the mustache. The mustache is so much easier. All the time.

Cutting your nails is. I mean, Al's fingernails are basically this. They are. He's got his Wolverine starter kit on. I don't know for you guys It's been a real Alcentric episode Like Every time you go to cut your nails Of course I start with my dominant hand And I

So I'm right handed So I cut my left hand of my nails Thought about that And then I move over my left And I go Oh boy Like because it's a dexterity challenge Here we go again

It's going to take three times as long Here's what's crazy So I have Oh I'm a dexterous guy over here No no no But I'm so good to cut my nails. I have this. You know what's coming. I have, I have this thing that happens. I've got, uh, uh, I used like the tone of robot. You got a robot? No, the, the, you know, the full,

big size clippers. And I, what? What are the big size clippers? You know, like, they're technically toenail clippers, right? But everyone uses those for fingernails because there's a small one. Yeah, I know what you're talking. Yeah. Mike's looking to me like. If you just buy clippers, you get a couple sizes. That's all. Mike has never seen smaller. No, I know. There's one size. No, no, there's two sizes. There's two? Yeah, there's... We're not talking like a travel size?

No, you use the big one. No, there's two. Okay. Anyway, so... I use the regular. I start with my offhand, and I clip my left hand, right? But every time I move to my right hand, the clippers work different.

Yes. They cut too far on my nails every time, and I can't figure out why, because it doesn't happen on my lap. It's not a dexterity thing? Like, you're just not as good of a cutter? Of course it is. That's my best. better hand. This is why I got to bite your nails.

You know, trimming my toenails is one of the most annoying things. I just, why you got to bite your toenails. I just hate it, because the only time I notice my toenails need to be trimmed is one situation. They hurt. Well, no. It's when I'm in bed and I'm watching TV and I just kind of notice. You go to do a foot scratch? Yeah, I do like a foot scratch. And you're, or I rub my feet together and I go, now I've got to get out of bed to trim my nails. Or it's a comforter and you're scooching and a snack. Yeah. And nobody's ever invented. in the history of the world, a clipper that isn't super loud. It has to be super loud.

Well, I don't think it's the clipper. I think it's the actual physical nail. It's the clipping of the nail. They don't have a silencer for your tone. Nobody wants to hear that sound. Peeo! Yeah, I mean, nobody wants to hear nail clipping. It's loud.

And nobody can clip more than one nail at once. We've never figured that out of you. So you're telling me you've never had your big toe nail be a little too long and you're doing like the athletics. Yeah. Your toe jams in, you're like, whoa, that hurt whites. No, I've had that. And you look down, you're like, oh, that's because I have a wolf toenail on.

The athletics and specifically pickleball is. Yes, that's exactly what I was talking about. The primary cause of clipping my toenails. It's stopping and starting. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm like, oh, I'm playing pickleball tomorrow. Because I'll look at my. Anybody do that every day?

Nobody does it every day, right? You can't. It doesn't grow fast enough. Otherwise, you're just going to keep clipping further and further down. You don't have no nail left. Can you get them permanently removed? You never have to deal with it? Sure.

You just have very exposed nerve endings. Oh. Awful. The quick. I, so. Yeah, it's called the quick. That's the quick part. Or is it the quick.

It's the quick. It's not the quip. No, that's a verbal thing. Yeah. But what happens with me often is I will be looking at my toes and I hate clipping my toenails. And I'm going, okay, it's probably time. But then I don't do it. And then the next day comes around.

It's obviously longer. Every day you make that decision. I'm not going to do it. And then I, again, and I let it go too long. I recognize this. And I go, I can't let people see this. This is looking bad. And the only thing that really gets me over the hump is,

oh, I got pickleball tomorrow. So it's time. With the toenails similar, like, it's got to be a lot better for you now that you've dropped like 50 pounds. Oh, significantly better. Have you ever had to have somebody else trem them? I can't have people touch my toenails. Or your eyeballs.

Or my eyeballs. Or give you an IV. You might just not like people touching you. I mean, those are very specific, hurdy spots. Yeah, I don't know that I would make that assumption about it if you're like, I don't like people touching my eyeballs. I love a massage. Do they make like a shoehorn equivalent of an extended clipper? An extension for a toenail clipper?

Oh, the accuracy on that's got to be problematic. Dangerous. Yeah. A distance, like a sniper? A long distance. A sniper clipper? No, it's not. I'm not shooting down at it.

No, I'm just saying from a distance. I feel more like a, like I'm looking into a microscope. Okay. I got my eye down on it. Problem is you still have to reach the time. You know that there's no way people in history ever trimmed any of this stuff. Oh, they for sure did. No.

You think 200 years ago? Yes, they did. You think in the 14-in-they had toenil clippers? They're just trying to eat. They're trimming their nails? They figured it out, guys. They didn't just wear their nail until it broke off. Yeah, they did.

No, they did not. I'll bet they bit their fingernails. And I'll bet their toenails just grew forever. They probably bit their toenails. Disgusting. Yeah. I'm going the, I want the mustache. I don't want the, I don't want the nail problem.

Yeah, because to clip your mustache takes one second. Let's take a break. We'll be right back. All right. It is, it's time for us to illuminate once again. By the way, this is episode 364. Oh, next week is the big one. In certain years, we're fine, right?

Most years. No. Oh, no, it's five and six. You're going the other way again. It's been a while since I've thought about years. What is the difference? We're going to play what's the difference and figure this out. What's the difference between a hallway and a corridor?

I don't feel like this one's that bad. This one doesn't seem that bad. I feel like hallways connect rooms and corridors connect hallways. Come on. Wait. They connect buildings, Jason. Corridors connect buildings. Yeah, but when you walk in that building, you're probably in a hallway.

I don't know. Is there a maximum width on a hallway? I feel like there is. For sure. I feel like if you went to. You wouldn't call like a tunnel, a hallway. Like you go to like a Disney hotel and there's all these different passageways that go to different places. Those aren't a hallway.

No, no way. They're corridors. They are. They're corridors. But a hallway's got to be, I got to be able to reach both sides of it with my arms. With my arm. So I think you're... Really?

Yes, I've got to be able to reach this. You're close to right. You're close to right, but you're incorrect. You would walk down a hallway and a hotel and you can't touch both sides of that. I think I can't. You're talking to get to the rooms in the hotel? Yeah. Like you come out of the elevator, you walk, I can touch both sides of that hallway.

No, you cannot. Oh, I better can. Oh, man. There's no way. Maybe some hotels in New York City, sure. Or in France. But if you're talking... These hotels, Jason, staying in, man.

No, I'm just saying the older ones, everything's smaller. All right, every motel, though, right? Every motel's a hallway. No, motels have corridors. What? No, motels don't have corridors, Mike. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. Motels are outside.

Motels are outside. They don't have... But that's not a corridor. Don't act all right. Well, it's not a hallway. It's an outside. It's outside. What's the difference between a corridor and an outside?

You're saying a corridor can't be outside? No, it can't. You just talked about the Disneyland Hotel. It can't be outside. It cannot be. It can be outside. It can be located outside. A corridor can become outside.

I think there might be some things on maps literally called cord. Yes. There might be some things on maps called. It's more about the shape. I think the corridor is a shape thing. Shoot. I think there's probably some. Now, if you're like,

What's the difference between a corridor and an alley? I'm not really sure. Other than crime. An alley is hard. An alley can not be well lit. They're full of crime and dumpsters. So maybe a corridor is a dumpster-free alley. The question is, do you feel safe?

That's a corridor. Okay. If you don't feel safe, that's an alley? No one's ever ever felt safe in an alley. You walk down an alley anywhere? There's got to be some brick in an alley and a dumpster in an alley. Well, bowling. Yeah, all right.

Wow, we didn't do good. But honestly, I don't usually feel safe at a bowling alley, to be honest. So I think it still stands. A bowling alley is the only place you can go to transport to 1965 with the level of smoke. They will never, ever update. They're never banning smoking, ever. Well, because they will lose the bowlers. And what's crazy is all bowlers are smokers.

No, not all. All smokers are bowlers. Yes. Yes. Yes. that direction work. Okay, that's work that direction. Okay, we got it.

I don't think they have built a new one in at least 40 years. Oh, like a brand new bowling alley. A brand new bowling alley. And if they do, they have to ship in old wood, old, you know, it's got to be. Yeah, it's all reclaimed. Yeah.

The only place people that make ashtrays go to sell their product are bowling alleys? Yes. Okay. What is the difference, guys? This is a simple one, right? Between a road and a street. Oh, that's so simple. Mike? Yeah, no, it's so easy. Andy?

Look, I do have an answer. Great. We got it too. A dirt road. A dirt road cannot be a street ever. Okay. A street has to have pavement. What level? A road is broader.

Full pavement? Or what about compact gravel? It's acceptable. As a street road? They have cobblestone roads. Oh, but not cobblestone streets? Yeah, there's streets that are cobblestone. Yeah. I think we have figured nothing out.

I agree that you can't have a dirt street. That I agree. Yeah, you can have a dirt street. Hey, I live down the dirt street. No, you don't. You're crazy. Go to jail. You live off a road.

Yeah. Idiot. Is there old town streets? Like a country street? Well, because you take your horse down the old town road. Right. Right, and you go down the country road. Would you take him down the old town street?

A winding country street. No, that doesn't make sense. No, no. So old ones, dirt ones, roads. Anything 1979 and newer is a street? Does that mean you pretty much take a road to the bowling alley to most bowling alleys? I would say so. There's no way that the entire pathway from your house to a bowling alley is paved.

Right, exactly. Some of it might be paved. At the very least, the parking lot is not. Right. Yeah. I mean, even in the nicest ones, part of it. Part of it torn up. Oh, for sure.

No question. We solved it. What is the difference between a meadow, a field, and a prairie? Oh, man. A meadow. A meadow? Oh, my gosh. That's such a happy place.

There has never been a sad meadow, in my opinion. You can be very sad on a prairie. Oh, I think that's most people were. Yeah. They barely survive. Put little houses. A meadow's got wildflowers galore. Yeah, meadow.

Meadows has flowers. If I'm going to celebrate someplace and run around, it's going to be a meadow. Well, the growth matters here because a field is not, there's no growth over the knees. In a field? Yeah. I don't think that's right. No, I get what you're saying. It's a wide open field.

It has to have some. You go to a field. Jason. Cornfield? Yeah. Cornfield? You got to raise the height. But that's one word.

That's a different word. That's not a corn field. can't have a tree in a field. Can we live with that? It can't the field. I feel like you could put a tree in a field, but you can't have trees in a field. One tree per field? One tree per field is acceptable.

One tree per field is fine. Meadows definitely have flowers. Oh, no question. Yeah, wow. And singing. Prairies are beautiful and have hardship. Yeah, and wild wagons, little houses. Prairies are grass for sure.

Yeah. And fields are mostly open. You could only put a little house on one of the. these. Right. Do you figure out which one? Do prairie dogs live in meadows? No. Regular dogs do. Okay. And fields, same? Uh, those are for moles. Correct. Yeah, moles live in the fields. Moles and gophers. Moles and gophers to the field. The meadows got butterflies, the prairies got the prairie dogs, and the hardship. Yeah. If you were putting... I mean, this is not hard, people. If you were putting a bowling alley near one of these. Oh my gosh. It goes in a...

dirtfield. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Not even the prairie. No, Prairie is old and sad, but certainly. Not that sad.

I mean, full of dysentery. Yeah. And an ox. Dude, there's at least. That's where the ox roam. And broken axles on your wagon. Yes. And there's at least three or four owners of bowling alleys right now that are upset with us.

And I want to say this first of all. you're in your 80s just don't worry about it they're not listening no no they're like what's the podcast YouTube oh wait it's more like yeah YouTube what's that what radio station is that on yeah this is the shot at bowling

Ellie's that you ever knew I wanted to yeah but everyone out there is like yeah someone finally said it. We finally put those bowling alleys in their place. I feel in danger the second I walk into one. Of course you do. You're in a bowling alley. It's true. Like somehow I feel safer in the alley. Yes. Then the bowling alley. For sure. Put some pins in a regular alley. I'm in. Like that percentage of you where you're just like, I got it. I don't know what's going to go on.

I got to be ready to throw hands. You're more likely. In a. A bowling alley dead. A bowling alley than an alley. That's for sure. Yes. Yeah. I think that's true. And probably other drugs.

I would rather like play a game of craps in the alley behind. Right. With some street thugs. Yeah. With the street thugs. For sure. Okay. A bowling alley?

Yeah. What's the difference between a bowling alley and a dumpster? Dumpster smells better. Oh. Why are we just? I don't know. What's the difference between shivering, trembling, trembling, and shaking? Well, you can't tremble your timbers.

No. You are right. Can't shake your timbers either. No, you can only shiver them. Shivering? What are your timbers, by the way? Your legs. Those are your legs?

Your timbers? Yeah. Okay. You guys are sorry. No, I mean, I really didn't. Well, if you fall down, you would say, Timber. Oh, gosh.

So that implies that it's your legs? Yeah, your limbs. Shivering is. it's all your limbs, your arms and your legs or your timbers. Trembling, shivering, shaking. I tremble the most while I'm scared of these things. Yes, for sure. I mean,

trembling in furs. You can shake. What a great word. Trembling. Which one is the strongest of vibration? It's not shivering. Shaking is bigger than... It's probably shaking.

You can shake in your boots. You can shiver your timbers. I don't know what you do. you tremble, but, um, Trimble me timbers. I'm trembling. I'm trembling with fear. I'm shaking in my boots. And my,

I'm, I'm shivering my timbers. Shivering is, shivering seems mostly temperature related. Shivering is usually temperature related. It's very similar to chattering. Um, it's small vibrations.

It's like a little hum of the body. Okay. In Arizona, we wore shorts all year long. We never shivered our timbers. Not once. that's not the way you're supposed to use that. Trembling, shaking, shivering.

Shaking is the broadest term. It applies to lots of different situations. Yeah, a lot. I mean, you can shake it off. You can shake it off. That's fun. Shake it on. Yeah.

Shake a baby. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't shake a baby. Don't do that. They show videos on that. Oh, yeah. To not do it. You can't. Like a PSA, right? Yeah. No, it's like, look how cool this is. Don't do that. No, when you have a baby now, when you have a baby in a hospital, you like can't, you can't take the baby if you don't watch a don't shake the baby video, at least. I didn't get a video.

15 years ago. And I didn't know what to do. I'm sure the mom did. Any questions, Al, on this one? No, you guys cleared that right up. Should we go for one more? Let's do one more. Okay.

What's the difference between a, uh, a, uh, a, cave, a cavern, and a grotto. Grotto has a beautiful water feature. Yeah, it's also it's not that deep. That's what my daughter says all the time. About the grotto? No, about everything. Oh, in life? Nothing's that deep.

Not that deep. Does she really? Is that her go-to life? Oh, yeah. Like if you try to get serious with her about some? Yeah, it's not that deep. Oh, that's so insulting. I'm really glad you brought that up. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. So a grotto. Yeah. It's not that deep. It's not that deep. But there is a beautiful water feature in a grotto.

I mean, there can be water in a cavern in a cave, though. Both of those can have water. But you can have those without. I don't think you can have a grotto without water. I think let's focus on cave and cavern because they sound the same and they probably are. No. No. Caverns are way big.

Cavernous are cavernous. Yes. You don't say cavernous. Oh, this is so caverous. What about the back cave, Jason? It's not the back cavern. What back cave? a bat cave?

I thought you were saying back. We've got a... Why would I say bat cave? That's why I was confused. It's like a... Inference. That's like a cornfield. That's one word.

Bat man has a bat cave, and it is a cavernous space. Yes. And you know I'm right. I know you're right, but... Honestly, it depends on your... Your canon. Are we talking... Oh, thank you, ma'am. Are we talking Adam West?

Because that's a bat cave. Yeah, it's a little tiny thing. Are we talking about the new one, the Christopher Nolan ones? That's a cavern. That's a mismanagement of the word. It's not a cave. It's hate to break it to you. Look, we're breaking it down, and I'm just saying,

some of the biggest caves in the world are humongous. I just feel like a cavern might, to me, mentally, a cave is like tight, even if it's big. A cavern is very wide open, like a cathedral ceiling. So you got vaulted. It's vaulted. It's vaulted. A vaulted cave is a cavern.

Okay, I can get behind that. And I feel like a grotto is just not getting its time of day here. Because we think of it, we have pools out here in Arizona. Sometimes they build a little grotto. Grotto. Yeah. With rocks. Yeah.

But I feel like there's got to be natural grottoes. You want to put a cavern on that pool. They're like, whoa, I don't got a budget for that. A cavern? Are we going underground here? You want to spend the night in which of these three? Where do you want to spin the night? Cavern.

I think it's a cavern. You don't want the grotto? The grotto's nice, but I worry about... I'd be scared of things inside of a cave. Well, yeah, but you're not in a cave bears. There's no grotto bears. Cave bears? There's no grotto bears.

It's not deep enough. But I said the mermaids. They're in the grotto? You're scared of mermaids? Do you not know the real mermaids? Are they mean? Yes. No.

Yes. Oh, they're terrible. I don't know. They make you crash your ship. Don't do. this to me. Not that I really need to meet a mermaid anytime soon. The true story about

mermaids, they are not good. They have sharp teeth? Oh, yes. Yes, they do. See, I knew you. So they are basically grotto bears. Yes, they are. I think you're thinking of a different creature. You're thinking of Medusa. No. Not Medusa. It's the sirens.

Yeah, he's thinking of sirens. I don't know if that's the same as a mermaid. Okay. Is there a mermaid Medusa? No. That's a good movie. Mermaid Medusa. Medusa? Meredusa. Come on. She'll never get me because I'm not going to open my eyes under water.

That's it. That's it. Man, we're so... No, I can't. It's salt water. You can with a mirror, though, right? Well, that's a water mirror. Okay.

It's time to take a break in draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. time we are drafting the best frozen foods on earth. Jason, you get the number one pick. And it is pizza, of course. It's frozen pizza. I mean, that's the one, that's the go-to. You can have fancy ones. You can have cheap ones. They're all delicious. How fancy can they really be? Oh, I'm just saying they could get expensive. I mean, big giant deep dish. People have been selling me. Like, there's nothing wrong with buying the nicer frozen pieces. I would love to do that. I just feel like

They are capped a little bit. Cap, yes. They've been promising me that I'm going to get this pizza from the freezer. Oh, it's not delivery. Well, it's de jornos. Right. Frozen pizza in our lifetime, which, granted, is now a long time. It's a lot of time.

But, like, frozen pizzas when we were young, at least to me, they were, all of them were awful. They were, they had a very particular taste. That was not cheese, man. The crust is always the cracker. Like a full snap. There's no give to it at all. They've gotten a lot better. I mean, I don't remember the last frozen pizza that I've cooked that is not absolutely delicious so long as I did not burn it.

To be clear, I always ate the old ones, too. But out of 10, what would you rate frozen pizzas? 10? Wow. On a scale of pizzas. Oh, on a scale of just pizzas? Yeah, I'm not asking, like, rate all. How else could you grate this thing?

Just how good it is. Honestly, I was thinking frozen foods. That's our draft. It's a 10 out of 10 in frozen foods. It is. But as far as honest, honest scale of pizzas, it maxes at 6.5. This is an 8 for me, 8 and a half maybe.

Well, I wanted it. I am always so jealous because I don't ever eat frozen pizza. I mean, I say that. But I don't ever make myself a frozen pizza, but then I make it for my kids. And I will take a piece of all that because it looks so good. Do you ever do the move where it's like, Oh, you make it a pizza still?

No, yeah, you cut out like a tiny triangle. And just push it together? No, no one's touched this pizza. You're just like, no, what? I'm really, how small can I get it before they notice? I wanted that one. I do think my pick is going to be more frequently eaten in totality, so I'm going to have to go with it. I don't know if you said there were two that we're in your mind.

Yeah. It's chicken nuggets. Yeah, chicken nuggets. I'm taking chicken nuggets. It's the 101. That's what I feel like. There's so much variety. You've got the dino nuggets.

You've got the chicken finger-style nuggets. Look, freezing chicken works. It just works. It does. And now we got air friars to make them even better? Yeah. That's the problem with the pizza to a degree. You need an air fryer big enough to house a full pizza and it would fix the problem.

All right. So I'm up. You're up. Two picks. So you went pizza and chicken nuggets. That is probably the top two picks. So I'm going to. go a little bit of a different direction

just because it's easy. Okay. And they're always great. You pop the waffle in the coaster. No, I wanted it with my next pig. You pop the waffle in, you know in about two minutes, you're getting a hot, fresh, delicious waffle. It just works. Yeah, it

really, and those have been solid forever. If there is, let me, not a sponsor after what I say. Oh yeah, you got your own waffles. You got your own waffles situation going on. I do. I, I, Oh, we're not shouting them out? No, I eat the Viking waffles.

They're great. They're great. But if there's any cancer at all inside of AGOs, I have it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. With the amount that I have eaten in my life, I think that was a solid everyday breakfast for years. I mean, you've got a Lego. So the waffles are very good. Mmm.

Mmm. Hmm. The problem is I have, I'm having some real. I have a real. Patterns are very complicated. Recency bias, because I had it last night. Okay. Sounds like it must be good.

I mean, if you liked it. It was good. It's frozen lasagna, guys. Oh, that's great. Frozen lasagna. Frozen lasagna. It's a whole family. Number one, it just, it takes way too long because, I mean, this is, you're talking,

this is a 75 minute cook time. But if you got the time to do it and, and you don't have to, you know, sit and babysit it of, like, a freshly cooked meal. It comes out. It's lava hot. Let it cool down a little bit. And it got the job done. It does take.

We were all very happy. It does take a long time. You're talking at least 55 minutes, probably from start to finish. You're right, 75 minutes. But when you're done, you're feeding an entire family a meal, the prep, the ease. And it's the entree. There's some other frozen things that might come up here that take a long time. And then it's like, that's a side dish.

Yes. That's not worth it So I'm taking the lasagna Okay All right I'm gonna go a different direction I think everybody's gonna default to quick eating food Like a quick meal

I just pulled you a 75 minute cooker It's not very quick Wait what were your two? Lazzania and waffles Okay a dinner A meal Okay Mine's gonna be more versatile

We can we can do more with it I'm going to go with frozen fruit. Oh, that's fine. You can make smoothies with it, right? I mean, frozen food is great. My kid. It's a lot of different options. Houses frozen mangoes.

You would really buy them. Just eat some frozen? You would not believe. Oh, I do that with blueberries. The amount of. Unbelievable. The bags of frozen mangoes. If I go to the grocery store, I have to buy two of them.

Which kid? Decker, the young one. He just mangles out? Just houses them. And, yeah, for Harambe. And I'm telling you, two full bags maybe lasts four days. I mean, how can you complain?

I mean, it's a lot of sugar, I guess. But how can you complain about eating some fruits? Ruses it. And don't they preserve all the, I mean, it preserves all of the nutrients better. I believe so. Yeah, frozen both fruit and vegetables do retain their nutrients better. Yeah, I'm going frozen fruit.

I feel like there's enough of that. It's not on my list, but that's a very strong pick. I have frozen fruit in my food. freezer because once upon a time probably several years ago, we thought we would use them. What did you just say in the chat there, Al? I said I destroyed a bag of frozen grapes last yeah. Frozen grapes are a delicious treat. I can't get in. I'm the same way. And if you get the, here's a tip with the blueberries. I want to. Get those wild berries, the main wild berries, the little ones. You can just eat them straight. Because I've heard people take the grapes and they'll put the

They'll put some lemon in the... What is the sulfuric acid? Is that what I'm thinking of? I don't think so, buddy. I think he might be right. Sulfuric? I don't know. It makes them sour.

The sour powder. Is that not... I think that is sulfuric acid. Oh, Andy's learning something right now. I don't think so, but I'm not gonna... I know I can be wrong. I'm pretty sure that's what it is, but it's just a powder. It's a sour powder.

Like, whatever's on your warheads, that's what it is. Maybe it's citric. Sipuric is what you used to, like, burn through... Yeah, okay. bodies. Look, hey, you win this round. Okay. I just, I really thought I was crazy. But go on. Malac acid? No, it's definitely citric. It is citric. Citric acid. Because it's like citrus. We've already looked it up.

But that's the way. It makes so much more sense than sulfuric. People put citric acid on them. Yeah. And so they make themselves like a little candy, like a sour grape treat. But I can't get on top. Highly tart. Yeah, I've had them. They're good. All right. I'm not picking anymore. It's on to Jason. So it's on to me. And I'm I'm very, I'm very confused. I'm very, don't put that on your grapeskins. No.

Or touch it. You can have a bad time. I'm very confused because my 102 is still there. And all of a sudden I'm like, is it the 102? Well, no, it's, it's, it clearly is, but is for some reason this not count to the draft? Because it makes no sense. Uh-oh.

That's a great start. But ice cream, fellas. What are you doing? Yeah. That's not frozen food. That's not frozen food. It's insane. No. Okay, so you don't eat it.

It's not frozen. It's just, it's not frozen? It didn't feel. Where do you put yours? Where do you put yours? If you can. Do you put it in the freezer? What is?

I didn't, I didn't put it on my list because it didn't feel good for the draft. Yeah, we all agree. Okay. You guys can agree. That blows my mind. Owl, what would you think? Ice cream's a frozen food. Yeah, I mean, because it is.

It's in the frozen food section. Okay, but here's how I was singing about the draft is it's frozen and then I make it unfrozen to make it food. Oh, I did not. Okay. I just thought the draft was frozen foods. I didn't realize it was frozen foods you have to unfreeze. Some Decker's thawing out that mango before he houses it. That's a good point.

Anyways. I'm not letting you take ice cream. All right. I will not take ice cream even though you guys are. It wasn't on either of our list. So I think the spirit of the graph. That's called an oversight. No.

You think I'm over citing ice cream? You ever heard me? You just did. Which is why I was great. enough to leave that for you one or two. Let the record show you don't get it because we said you can't have it, not because you're choosing not to draft it. Yeah, okay, because I would draft it.

I will go with a different sweet treat then. Fine. That is frozen yogurt. Probably. That is probably better than every. It's better than everything that's been drafted so far. It's not. It is too.

It is too. You had the first pick. I didn't say it was the one-on-one. I said it's better. It's more delicious. And it's a problem for me. And if I ever, if we have these in our house, we have them in our house for one night. And really one morning.

It's a breakfast. It's toast or strudels. Okay. Toaster strudels. I fully allow it. Because you are 100% right. Yes. Those are the best things that have been drafted.

They're the best things that have ever been made. Oh, man, they are so good. It's like Pop-Tarts. Yeah. There's only a few foods that taste so good that you know how bad they are for you instantly. Yeah. The first bite, you're like, I am just. What?

is this? I am destroying myself, but it's that good. It's hot. It's got gold icing on it. You take a whiff. That's 50 calories. Oh, man. Yes, a whiff is 50 calories. Um, yeah, so I'm, uh, you could struddle me twice. And ice cream. All right, so I've got a, uh, just to come back to the ice cream for a second, you do know that you started the ice cream draft pick by saying, I don't think this will be allowed or this might not be allowed. So somewhere in the recesses of your brain you realize that was not. Well, the

reason is not the recess. It's the fact that it went by Andy Holloway twice. Correct. That's fair enough. That's it. Because it made no sense. Nothing made sense. All right, struddle boy, let's go. Yeah. Tell me you don't know another frozen food you like? No, it's fine. I just will, I want to say this as clear as possible. I can't get it. You aren't allowing it. Right. It is 100% a frozen

food. That's like that's not up for debate. This is not, this is a food you eat that's in the freezer. It's a frozen food. But I understand I got the 101 and I'm dominating so you guys can't have me have that and that's fine. Just wait until I draft ice cream. Yeah, ice cream sandwich. Yeah, you eat it?

Yeah, that's probably fine, right? If I said ice cream sandwich, what would you say? Totally okay. I would have said it's better but it's too late now. You already you've dug the hole. I didn't dig the hole. You did. No. I stood on a landmine of stupidity. Yes, you did. Because Andy knows right now in his mind. He's like, oh, man, the ice cream

sandwich, that's totally okay. That fits. Anyways, we've just done so many dessert drafts and things like that. I don't think it was what we meant. I think what happened is this. Let's peel back the curtain. Let's peel back the curtain. No, no, no, let's peel back the curtain. This is actually what happened. Okay. The original draft was called Frozen Foods you get in a box. Right. And so that's what you guys were thinking that's where the mindset was yeah because that was what we said but then we changed the draft to let's just have it be frozen foods right because i didn't need people to be like that comes in a bag correct right but i'm just saying the draft we're doing is just frozen foods and

ice cream is what i'm going to take uh breakfast sandwiches breakfast sandwiches are breakfast sandwiches is very much on the list they are it would have been my next pick they are a necessary frozen food because some mornings you just don't have time to make a breakfast sandwich but I got a minute how do you how do you cook them oh I don't do the stupid like 40% for this minute

he doesn't cook him I'm gonna eat some straight out of the freezer I'm gonna wrap it in a paper towel okay I'm gonna put it in there for a minute you don't moisten the paper towel first no oh I don't oh that's a hot tip wait what yeah you want to get a you want to like ring out a paper towel and make it just a little bit moist for a soggy

breakfast sandwich you do you do you, brother. I mean, you do that with when you're like reheating rice and stuff. Yeah, and with broccoli, you steam it and look, you want a little bit more moisture in that sandwich. I'm just telling you how to do it. I might try that. We're not talking soaking wet. We're just talking a little moisture. One minute. One minute. And then it's usually good. Depends on the breakfast sandwich. Oh, you're saying it's just done after that. It's just done after that. I thought you got to do it like a minute because we do the like take it apart one minute, close it, wrap it up one minute more. Yeah, I ain't got time for them. My pick is breakfast burritos.

Is that, are we good with that? It's fine. That's different, right? I had it on two, both of them on the list. It is. I mean, it's just, uh, I'm gonna be honest with you. I like sandwiches more, but it is, it feels a little bit quicker and easier to cook. Breakfast burritos are more off, like, I don't buy breakfast burritos. I, I, I have purchased frozen burritos, but they're never breakfast. In fact, I don't think, oh, come on. Do they even sell frozen breakfast burritos? Oh, come on. Like a Costco? Come on. That's a big business. Jimmy Dean? No. Yeah, Jimmy Dean's got breakfast

free. Do they even have your pick? I didn't know that. Does your pick even exist? But I'm saying we often... There's so so many of them. We often make like a batch of breakfast burritos and freeze them. That's like the only homemade thing that we... And some commercialized place does that as well and makes money off of it.

I mean, we can Instacart some breakfast burritos right now. You might just buy some of those. Yeah, they're very popular. You're up. Oh, wait, no, you took breakfast breas. All right. I, oh, I get my last two picks. All right.

So I got lasagna. Got the, the waffles. I am going to take this one. This one might surprise people, because you have, we all have our preconceived notions of what mac and cheese is supposed to be. And that it's the, you know, it's the blue box and you make it.

mac and cheese the the the the stofers mac and cheese is delicious that was the pick that i was saying earlier when you use a whole hour at least you've got a meal to me oh you we we nuke it you can nuke stoffers for four minutes and it's ready to go there's the single serve no no no no not the family one that one is single serve that one just angers me the big one. The big mac of cheese? The big mac of cheese. Yeah, because they're like, hey, do you want to eat this on Thursday? Yeah, it takes so long. And then the only time that you're going to make that much of a side is like Thanksgiving when it's like, well, I need my oven. Like I need my oven for other things, not a bag of cheese. The hard part about foods that are super, super delicious that are,

that take a long time to cook is it's like, you don't get that satisfaction. The amount of times I've pulled a giant frozen mac of cheese out, then saw how long it's going to, and then put it back. It's been the same mac of cheese in your freezes for years. You take it in a year. Oh, we got a mac of cheese. And it was on the list. I mean, it's a great pick.

There's nothing wrong with that. And then. It's not like ice cream. Andy hates ice cream. Well, it's not a frozen food. So Andy has, you have breakfast burritos. Yeah, I mean, it's... I'm real tempted to go with just regular burritos.

But I think that would be fine as it's on. It would be. Would you be on my coattails? Because I'm already on his coat tails. I don't know. That's a double coat tails. I got a frozen burrito that I got to turn you guys onto. It is gourmet.

You sell them, don't you? You sell the bros. I don't. But there's a local AZ place. This is legit. Frozen? Yeah. Okay.

Oh, man. There's no reason you should have been gatekeeping this. Well, I'm just letting you know about it right now. I'm going to go back in the day. I don't do it as much anymore, but as a younger lad, I used to have those chicken pot pies all the time. Which is another hour long. How does that thing take an hour to cook?

The tiny little single serve. Those are very conducive to when they are done. When you finish the job, it doesn't really seem like a frozen item. So that says something. I love a chicken pot pie. I'm going tater tots. I'm going tater tots for the last pick. I was thinking I was maybe about to go french fries.

That'll take that off for me. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, French fries are hard to. I guess the air fry is solving a lot of problems. It really has changed a lot. Because you remember when, I remember when my mom would be like, I'm going to do homemade fries tonight. I'm like, all right, here comes those soggy, drip beef fries.

I appreciate you, mom, but it's, you don't got the technology. We don't have a deep fry. But I'm going to go tater tots. And I'm going back to the 90s. Oh, please. I'm taking frozen dinners. Okay. Just whole frozen.

Okay, sure. I'm giving me some... TV dinner? Yeah, TV dinner. That's called... Ging a Salisbury steak with a little... With a little thing of... Jelly?

Nuclear lava. It's apple or a brownie? There's no way that those three containers can have the same temperature. No. Impossible. One of them's too hot. One of them has a little bit of frozen in it. And it's crazy because I poked holes in one of those, like you told me to.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, you did. This didn't fix the problem? Yes, you did. Okay. You told me to put a little slit. I did it. Honorable mentions that I was really close to taking tequitos.

Oh, tequitos are next up on the list. Pizza rolls, I know I got the frozen pizza. You know, that would have been fine. I get that. But I felt like it's like pizza bites, pizza bagels. They're all off the table. Fish sticks, I mean. Oh, yeah.

Yes, for sure. Mott sticks. Mott sticks for sure. I had corn dogs. Corn dogs. Oh, corn dogs would have been a great pay. Absolutely. Those can go bad in the freezer.

I did not know that. Yeah, I just tried to have one last week. That's not science. No, I tried to have one last week and I took it out. I migrated it. I did the whole thing and then I was like, this is not good. You must at least see.

It's been years. I mean, it's been so long. I don't, I think it's moved houses. That's too long. That's too long. You really should do a reset when you leave the house on the freezer items. What are we going to bring? Jason doesn't need to do that because he moves every three months.

But he's like, I'm going to bring the couch. the TVs. Don't forget the corn dogs. We've got to make sure they get to the new house. You must at least see how these 12 drafted items have similarities that maybe ice cream doesn't have. I can't see. They come in a box. What did we learn today?

You never have boxed ice cream, brother? That's so good. I learned that Andy does not like ice cream. There you go. There you go. I learned that you didn't know what a breakfast burrito was. That's crazy. I feel like I've just never seen them.

I looked it up. It's only a $2.1.8 billion dollar market. I see it. I see the Jimmy Dean breakfast breeder. When you go to the grocery store and you're buying your frozen breakfast sandwiches, look right next to them. Yeah. And the instinct you have to make them with your family and freeze them, that's what the big food does. Dude, we make them because I didn't know they exist.

Yeah, you could grab them, brother. I learned that Jason went to turkey. Yeah. And got a hair transplant. Work in progress. eight months, huh? From now. Okay.

For a full. Same off. We'll keep our eyes on it. Goodbye. Keep the shorts. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.