Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Organ Swapping & Foods That Make You Thirsty - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 3, 2026

Spitballers Podcast returns with the laughs and the hard hitting questions like Ghost or Aliens? What about new organs or riches? We tackle life’s toughest questions the only way we know how! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Sapp-a-ta-pa-ta-pa-a-ha-ha-ha-paw. Can you hear these in the microphone? I hope you can. I was waiting for it to, like, escalate. Oh, you were snapping? He was snapping very well. Mike can compress those.

my eyes. I thought it was all... I got you. I thought it was all mouth snaps. Mike can snap very well and he can whistle very well. I don't know if we've ever... Oh, his snapping is a little. The whistles? The whistles are way better than his snapping. No, no, no, no. I'm the greatest snapper in the world. His snaps are

silly. And he's like a professional... Greatest snapper in the world. Okay, that's fine. He's a professional snapper. How are you not the greatest whistler? My range is not as good as some other people. Give the people a little hint. Yeah, that's good. It's good.

That's Mary Poppin stuff right there. But the snapping. If you could watch this on video, go ahead. Take it away. I'm just saying I can snap with all three fingers. You stay in like perfect beat. All three. All three of them.

I probably should have specified. I mean, you have four fingers you could snap with. From ring finger up. I can't do three of them. From ring finger up. There was a tragic accident in his youth. And so he can now snap with all three of his fingers. You still have, no matter what you break it down to,

you should have an even amount of fingers you use. No, it's only the three. Oh, but six then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Between the two hands. Okay. Glad we figured that out. And I hear Al back there practice.

Yeah, me and Josh are trying to. Yeah, good luck. Nobody's going to snap better than Mike. Good luck. Nobody. Truly nobody. Would you rather on today's show, man of the people, and we are drafting foods that make you thirsty.

Foods that make you thirsty on the show today. As spitballerspot on X, spitballerspot.com's the website, Instagram.com slash spitballerspod. best thing you can do for us follow the show subscribe click that button tell your friends about the show and leave us a review yeah yeah al will read them all and probably let's be honest hold on don't listen to this he probably prints them out and hangs them in his room only if you mention my name and crochetes them into like i was under the impression that it's like his his child's bedtime stories he's like it's time to go to bed young one and then he just this one's in from if you want

to make your review kind of like a short bedtime story for now. That's fine. Like Alex Peterson 8, who just said, I dread the day the ballers stop making this podcast. I always look forward to it. Always a good time. Positive vibes and very funny. Recommend to anyone. You don't think if this show wasn't around that people would just fill it with positive things. Is it then like three stars after that? All five. Or should we say all four? All four stars. All three fingers. Let's kick it off. Would you rather? Love the first question. Love it.

Which would you rather be real? Ghosts are aliens. And I've got... Just know for sure. Correct. Well, look, I've got questions. Yeah. Because ghosts...

Look, aliens? I get made fun of every time. I'm like, I've got questions. And you guys are like, oh, my God. I'm channeling my inner mic here. Yes. One question. Get into it.

The ghost one, if ghosts are real, am I talking to dead relatives? Can I do that? You might? That's a big deal. You don't know if it's... This does not specify the level of interaction. Yeah, and this would be, if ghosts are real,

that doesn't mean that every single person who's died is just walking around as a ghost. It just means that ghosts are real. You can run into a ghost. It could be your relative. Well, you can't run into them, right? No, you go all right through that. Metaphysically. You know anything about ghosts?

Metaphysical. I wasn't saying you can physically run into them. You know anything about ghosts? I was saying, you might... When I say I ran into you at the grocery store, I didn't really run into you. however you might I mean you could have you might run through a

is that better yeah yeah is that a violation of privacy for a ghost to go through them only if you can only if you can like see what they've been through

like walking through them if that gave you you don't walk through their story oh like run low low run that would be an evasion of privacy but I don't I don't think you can you might run into relatives but that's not like you have to talk

I just feel like that's the perk of ghosts is the fact that those that have died before you, you might maintain a relationship. Okay, here's the real question. Yeah, give me your question because I got a question. The real question is which one is more likely to be evil? Oh. Okay, okay.

There are, there's situations for both. Mike has answers for the questions I do. Yeah, we've got the questions, but he's got the answers. Usually when I think of ghosts. And then you answer my question. When I think of ghosts, they're haunting. They are almost universally bad. Even in some movies,

aren't in some movies when it turns out they're okay? They're pretty much. Aren't ghosts like supposed to be like this? Everything that moved on in peace isn't a ghost. The ones that are kind of like stuck. Patrick Swayze. One of the theories. Patrick Swayze hung around because they can't leave yet.

He needs to protect his wife from that murderer. But I do think it is the. a real story. The Casper ratio is, I'm sure you guys... One in a hundred? No, no. I think he had the three brothers. Oh, so you're saying one and four is good? Yeah, he was a friendly ghost. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The other three where Casper the murderous goes. Yeah, all the brothers were named Casper? I thought you might jump around that. I'm idiot. But no, the ghosts are definitely more likely to be evil. You can't be... Aliens can't get all the way

here and and be like, we're going to take their stuff. That's human thinking. I have an opposite view of alien. That's human thinking. My thought is that aliens, if they are smart. Fatsso and Stinky? That is correct.

Casper's, no wonder they're not the friendly one. Maybe if you don't name him Fatso, he might be friendly. But I assume this name was given by his mother. These three were bullied severely. And by the way, Stinkie's probably not wearing deodorant with that name either. I know why they're not moving on. Oh, wait, they're the uncles? Oh, they're not brothers.

My thought on aliens is that the odds of aliens having their priorities, align with human priorities are like zero. I agree. So to me, my opinion is like, it's a 99.99% chance that it doesn't mean that they are necessarily intentionally evil. It just means that their priorities may, we may stand in the way of their priorities the way an aunt stands in the way of us building a house. Yeah. Like you don't even think about up-earthing. Could be.

Evil is the wrong word with aliens. They're not going to traverse all the way here. See, that's right. Yeah. And then be evil. But I do agree that there is a chance they come all the way here and they need our resources. And we're using them. We're like birds.

You know, we'll take that and it will be easy. Oh, you know what we could do? We could just spray some bug spray on this planet, essentially, like we do. Right. And be like, no, it's ours. We're a pest. Yes. Ghosts are not going to bring us new technology.

Aliens might. So I think I'd rather them be real. for the possibility of some sort of new technology. I do not see an upside of ghosts. I don't see one. Okay. Okay. I don't see one upside of the talking. If you could.

No. Okay. No. I don't have anything to say. You don't need a friend? You don't like that's not alive? No. You don't need a dead friend?

No, I mean, you know, death sucks. Death is awful. I mean, you know, it's not for Casper. No, I think it was. Yeah, probably. I think it was. But definitely for Fatso, but. I don't see...

I'm starving. And stretch, pretty close to fatso there. I do see upside for aliens. I'm going aliens. I will say that... I will say that if both were bad... If both were bad, I would choose ghosts for sure. Yes.

They can't do to us... Destruction of world is worst-case scenario for aliens. But I think the percentage chance that aliens are pretty cool can bring us some advantages, help us plug in to the universe. I'm taking the aliens. So canon-wise... We all kind of agree that you go through ghosts, right? Yes.

Then why can ghosts touch stuff? Well, they can't always. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort. Well, but they're haunting. You know, like, who, the chair is floating. How come you can pick up the chair? Sometimes they don't pick up anything. They just like, they just make sounds.

And when they pick it up, I don't think that they're picking up with their hands. I think they're doing the lights. I think it's proportional. What, they're telekinetic? Yeah. I think they have, they're very weak. So, like, if we were trying to push a chandelier, we could push it. They try to push with all their might.

It barely moves the chandelier. But they can dominate like electricity. They can channel. Yeah, they can channel some energy. Of course they can channel. I'm very confused what the rules are for these ghosts. Are you going for aliens? Yeah, Mike's definitely going aliens, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Show me them aliens. Would you rather always have perfectly tanned bronze skin with zero effort or maintenance? Got it. Or always have a perfect head of hair, whether you, uh, whatever you consider perfect. I mean, here.

Uh, talking about. You don't need like, like, I'm, we always want what we don't have. So I will take bronze skin. No, I don't have. I've been bronzing. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like golf has been bronzed.

Let's go. Let's check our wristwatch tans. I mean, that is. There is. The problem with me is not on purpose. Mine is my left hand, so it's also the glove tan. Oh, yeah. I just have a ring.

Now, your left hand is much more white than your right hand. Yeah. But there is. There's a level, right, that we can, us real pasties. Yes, as we call ourselves. Well, if we were, if we were a ghost in Casper's Mansion, we would be called. Pasty, white, white skin, and. But there's only like so much tan you can do where it's like, I feel like the balance of like,

oh, you have a, that's a nice tan compared to, oh, too much. Yeah, you look like leather. Hold on. Let me ask you this because I feel like I'm a person that is never really valued tan as much as other people value tan in the attractive scale. Like I think, I don't know. In my dating days, I didn't, I wasn't like, oh, I got to prioritize a tan person. I didn't care. Now, so I'm just asking on a scale of zero to a hundred on the attractiveness of another human being. Okay. How much does the tan factor? How much does a tan? Oh, that's a great question, Andy. Because I think it's all, be using the eye of the beholder. That number will be zero. zero to 100 for different people. So I think some people that are out there, they're out there tanning like they think the world looks at them through the 99 out of a hundred. I have my number.

I have my percent. I have my number. Pasty people can be attractive people. Of course. But maybe less to you, maybe more to you. So how important is we're writing down our own one to 100, how much we think tan. And I want the deucers in on this.

And of all the things that, you know. Ducers put your number down on attractiveness of somebody based. on their level of tan, one to 100, and we're going to reveal our own proclivities. That's not a good word. No. Is that a real word? It just sounds like it's devious or dark. It definitely makes it sound.

Like we're creepy. We're doing something wrong here. All right. My number is 10%. Mike went with 85%. Jason was zero. Zero. I'm a self-loathing pasty.

Al went with 57. Oh, yeah. Okay. This is hypocritical. This is a really revealing for me. 60. So I'm the, we are, we are together that, you know, pasty's fine. Pasty. Old Elmer over here.

If you told me the exact same person is standing in front of me. Right. And they're either zero tan or, okay, new question. So I can tell you. 50 or 100. Super tan, 50 or zero. You're saying like the leather. On the tan.

No one wants that. No, no, no one wants that. That's a hundred. If you're 100. But here's what you. Did one of the widest dudes in the office just say, get that pasty stuff out of here? Correct.

That would be the Falcon? Correct. Okay. Well, that's like Mike. Mike rated it 85. You don't have to love yourself. So the thing about the tan that us pasties go after is it hides flaws.

Okay. Does it? Hmm. Either you're saying I should start tanning. There is a saying of tan fat looks better than pasty fat. I guess that's, I wear black shirts for a reason. you know what I mean? It shows a lot less.

So here's the answer for me, because I both don't have good hair and am pasty white. You're working on it. Sure. But this is my point. How much do I care about those two things? Because that's what the question is. Which one would I choose? I have had a spray tan before.

Maybe I'm going on a cruise and I'm too white. And I'll do a spray tan. So I care a little bit. You know, I don't want to, I don't want to blind people. Do you do it for aesthetics or do it for like, this is my base coat? I'm trying to. It's literally just I don't want to blind people. Okay, so you are preventing.

I know I'm going to take my shirt off. People are going to actually see this. Right. So at worst, I would do that. I will not go out in suntan. I won't do any work to that. Now, my bad hair, I will fly to Turkey and spend thousands of dollars. You would do that?

I have done that. Oh! I already said that on this show. Yeah. This is not a, yeah. So obviously the answer to this question is I would rather have perfect hair. How many times would you go to Turkey if it was a guaranteed outcome? How many trips?

Yeah, yeah. Let's just say you're guaranteed a perfect head of hair. A perfect head of hair. And they're like... Like, I got Stamos at the end. Yeah, you got Stamos at the end. Is it 10 trips to Turkey? Sure.

I would be 30. 30? If I'm 30, yeah. That goes to my question that. What? Jason's perfect hair. This is the best question. Istanbul is awesome. It was good?

Yeah. Not constant. Noble? No. Nice. So you're like, when you're envisioning Jason Moore with perfect hair, John Stamos? No, no.

You know, that's what you said. That's, no. I'm using your words. No, no, no, no, no, no. You changed it on me. When I think of perfect hair, I think of John Stamos. If I think of me with perfect hair, I'm not doing the long John Stamos. Look, I don't know.

I don't know. What are you aiming for with this? Oh, what am I am I for? Where are you headed? I'm just aiming for being able to be in a restaurant with a hat off and feel okay because I wanted to shave my head. I tried it twice. Didn't take?

The shape. of my head is very bad. Keep growing. It's just, it's the shape of my head. My forehead is like really flat and it looks really bad when I shave my head. I have proof. So I can't shave my head. So I just want to look not. Can I ask a question? Is it definitely a fact? Because I feel like it's happening to me. The older you get, the bigger your head gets. Yes. Is that a fact? I mean, every celebrity I've seen that gets older, their heads get bigger and bigger. They just look at John Travolta. That thing's a monster. Well, your nose. He started as a monster though. Your nose and ears grow forever.

The head... Your ears are getting a head start from the looks of it. Oh, brother. When I'm 80, I won't need airline tickets. But you need... Was that a dumbbell row? Yeah, it was. It was. That's fine. I'll do it. Yeah, thank you.

The people hated it. I feel like this question has led to the most revealing stuff about us. No, your skull does not continue to grow after your... What I was going to say is the people who... It's not your skull, though. It's like your face. You're seeing the... It's just getting fatter. The cranial area get larger? No, that's that HGH, brother.

That's they're trying to... Your face... They're trying to get the muscles and checks. You can appear wider, longer, and lower as you age due to, quote, fat shifting. Yeah, that's what I said. Skin sagging and bone changes. This is Harvard Health.

While the entire skull does not grow larger, specific features change shape and proportions over time. Your ears, your nose. Gravity sagging, cartilage growth. Your ears, your nose, you get fat and gravity happens. I'm doomed. you're going to be enormous. You're going to be. It's just not going to be okay.

Like the Humpty Dumpty. Yeah. Had a great fall. Okay. I apologize to everyone for what's about to have. You better get a tan. All right. Which of these would you rather lock in for life?

You ready? Okay. Hal has set up another one of these. $250,000 one time and it's locked in with 15%. What, are we doing a math equation? What, come on. Are we doing a freaking math equations? Would you rather have a million dollars or one

penny you're saying answer for one of these this is the only monetary one you're reading it's just a good investment with great growth okay all right joints reissed okay now we're talking I thought they were all money your joints reset to 100% health annually I love the idea of my joints having a health

meter oh that reset do you guys have do your knees crack every time when you stand I'm making more sounds than I used to My knees don't. My right knee will grind and crack every stand up. My knees do not grind and crack audibly, but I think my knees are the worst in this room right now. Like my left knee is, I feel like I can't even squat to the ground anymore.

Okay. So the money, good investment, good growth. The joints. The joints, 100%. But 100% at the beginning of the year. Come on, guys. Internal organs reset to 100% health every year. Oh, yeah.

That's eternal life. That's eternal life. No, it is not. It's pretty much. get hit by a bus, you're not going from 100% health heart to death health heart in a year. I mean, I will say...

Always have perfect restorative sleep. It's the organs times a zill, zil. Probably is the organs. There's still ways you can die. Unless you were saying they're restoring to 100% health for my age or something like that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like if you resept, if you change out

the organs, all the organs of a 90 year old, guess what? They're living. They're living all the times. They're not dying. Yeah, but their organs are the thing that die. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. But you're going to have a good time. No, you won't.

If you'll have muscle atrophy, you will. Okay, but, okay. Not as much. First of all, we can throw that out because I know scientifically or whatever, they don't say that muscle is an organ, but it is. Let's throw that out. Skin is an organ. So now your old skin is perfect and great.

Okay. It said internal organs. Okay. Your brain is an organ. Your heart is an organ, your liver. If my brain and heart and internal organs are getting reset, I may not be as mobile as I'm supposed to be, but I will be feeling great. I will be thinking great. I will be healthy.

Yeah, your respiratory system, your nervous system. And this is not kids, don't drink too much. But if you get a new liver every year, you're better off. If you did, then we retract. You could probably You could probably enter liver in a year. I could use that. I could use that liver annual reset.

I could really like just take a new one ever year. So some of that helps you a lot in older age, right? But like sleeping well every night starting today will provide a lot more benefit in the peak of your life. Organs. All right? I'm just like, I don't want outtimes.

I don't get Alzheimer's, right? That's correct. No dementia. Alzheimer's. That's when you think like Al. Oh, that is a terrible. That's one of the... That's old-timers.

It's one of the most destructive diseases. People have to watch as people become a lot of them. I'm sorry. This one's very clear to me. I'll take a turn of life. I will take the sleep. I will... So wait, let me ask you this then, Mike.

You're taking the sleep, Jason, weigh in real quick. Oh, taking the organs. Organs, okay. So let me ask you this then. So you are... Oh, man, this is so fun. You get to be... We're all 90 years.

Yeah, yeah. And we are... At 90... I mean, people are probably... A lot of people you care about are probably gone. Yes, they are. But your kids probably are alive, hopefully. Yeah.

They come to you at 90 years old. And they're like, your insurance company, they're going to cover this new procedure, Mike. And you're 90, but we're going to redo the organs. Like a full, your skin doesn't change, your mobility doesn't change, your bones don't change. Right. You're getting a new heart. You're getting a new lungs. Right.

You're getting a new brain. Liver. Liver. And then there's probably some other ones. Appendix? That's optional. Okay. That's actually it costs a little more.

It's an in-app purchase. But you get the choice to do that at 90. You're doing it, right? Yeah, probably. So how a mobile, like, genuinely, let's pretend this exists. Put yourself in the shoes, this exists. Do you think you would do that forever? No.

Or do you think you would eventually want to... You would. That's where I'm like... But you're sharpest attack. You can be watching sports the rest of your life. It's like eternal life. Yeah. But you've got to leave your...

kids, your grandkids, you're going to build relationships with them? I'm going to have great sleep. I'm going to feel fresh every day, and then I will naturally... Okay, hold on. But you are, at the end of your life, you're not going to not treat something when you're 86 years old, then you have a pain, right? Of course. But I do, I also believe, like, if you had perfectly optimized sleep every day of your

life, how much healthier are you? You would definitely be healthier, but it's like, I don't think that makes you be able to run at 120 years old. You're not going to be able to do that no matter what. I can train hard. But your lungs and your heart being... So, like, how long are you... It's just a genuine question to me of, like,

the law... Everybody's trying to optimize for longevity in some capacity, right? You don't want your cholesterol to be high. You don't want... You want your brain to stay sharp. You want to have a relationship with your grandkids. Agreed. But you are saying that basically there's a limit to wanting that.

Of course. But we don't know what that is yet, because nobody's ever had... Like, there's a chance. You're 43 years old. There's a chance when you are 80 years old that, I mean, AI... That I get a robot body? Progressive. I mean, that's what it would be.

You would be downloading yourself into a robot body. You have the chance of you at 80 that they have reversed a lot of aging. That's the cellular reversal of aging is a cutting edge field where they have worked on reversing aging in animals. Yeah, they've got it in the eyeball now. So if you can reverse aging. In clinical testing right now. I think that's just a very strange thing because you only think you want to live till 90 because you presume discomfort, lack of function.

Sure. But maybe our minds would change. Maybe at that point, I don't know. Perhaps. Perhaps. I don't think it would be a while. Like people did not live to be like 200 years ago. They didn't live to be 80.

Some did. Yeah, you're right. Some did. It's like when you look. You didn't expect to. No, you did. Because it was like, you know, you look at average life. Because of the wild animals.

Well, average lifespan. Like a cut. Ever's lifespan is like, you're like, oh, that number is way smaller because so many people earlier on would pass. Right. So that brings down the average. Child deaths, birth. But if I'm optimized and I have restorative sleep every night,

the number one thing that gets in the way of exercises, I'm tired. Right. I don't feel like doing this because I want to lay down. If I felt restored, then you guys are fine. You'll have your healthy organs. Well, I'm going to be freaking shredded at night. You doing those exercises is to get your organs to be healthy.

And I'm getting a free restart. I'm getting like, a freaking healthy one at the top of the year. Yeah, but you're going to be so tired. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe it's all the same answer. It might all be the same answer.

All right, we'll take a break and we'll do some man of the people. All right, before we jump into man of the people, I do want to, real quick question here from Papa Josh. He said, how many organs can you replace before you weren't you? Do you mean with other people's organs? That's a great question of its own. Yeah, or your own organs. Like, there's heart transplants.

And people say, but it's all from the same person. Oh. So when do they become you? Yeah. There was a cadaver, gotten in an accident. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I got kidneys. I got liver.

If you're going, I got stomach. If brain and heart are together from the same person, that's the person. Yes. I think that's, now if you have all your own organs in their brain, you're probably them. See, what's funny is you say heart because of the way that. Because of the way we think about heart. We colloquially use heart, but it's just brain. It is probably just the brain.

Yes, it's just the brain. You could replace my heart, my liver, my lungs, my everything inside. If my, whoever's brain it is, that's who you are. Which is why you can download yourself into a robot body. Which you do have to, if you do that. That distance is the metaphysical from the, from the digital. Maybe.

If you get, I mean, your psych, like, if you're, you're basically saying you're not physical. If you can download a consciousness somewhere, which we don't know a conscious, we don't know what consciousness is. I'm wondering. Nobody knows what you're freaking people out right now. No, we're getting really philosophical. I already know this. This is all connected to his ability to think that he can transport himself somewhere else in the universe through Star Trek-like reassembly.

Teleportation is on the way. That will happen. On the way. I mean, that will happen. But that's not what I'm arguing for here. It is such a great thing you're allowed to say. Yeah. Because it's never, it can always be on the way.

It will happen. In your lifetime? I think it's probably going to be 200 years from now. Never. So probably. Never. Freaking weirdo. I think when I say download, download yourself into the robot body,

I'm hoping that what that is is like brain transplant to a robot body. Not digital. See, to me, it's like if you could put your brain like crang on like some robot parts. He was in a tummy. What are you even talking about? He was in a what? A tummy. He was in a tummy.

Be real about this. Goodness. Man of the People. All right, we're back, man of the people. Who won the last time? Do you have those answers? We really need that information if it favors me. I can get that very quickly.

Stand by. I don't know who won, but we are playing Man of the People. You guys know Al spent most of his time. In the malls. He's just, yeah, he's asking people questions. Doing polls. And we are going to race each other to jump in, try to answer them with the most popular answer. Jason.

Oh, yeah, baby. I did not ask who won last time. I apologize for jumping in. So we have five rounds, three points for the first answer on the board. Two points for the second answer, one point for any correct answer. And double points in the final round. And away we go. All righty, round one.

Name a reason why you might stay at a hotel in your own city. For vacation, staycation. Staycation, number one answer. That was going to be my answer. Work on the house, renovations, things like that. Remodeling is the number four answer. Oh, not number two. Oh, darn.

Late night. Late night, not on the board. You don't want to drive home. What is the number two answer? The number two answer was obviously probably not Arizona's, but it was natural disaster. Oh, okay. Fighting with spouse.

Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. And then air conditioner appliance. It's on there? Yes. All right. That's the one. I get Jason's point.

Yeah. Okay. Three to one to zero. Already, round two. Name something a woman might want to cover up with makeup. Zits. Yeah. Nice.

That's nice. That is the number one answer. Zits and blemishes. Boom. Rinkles. Damn. Yeah, that's the number two answer. That is the number two answer.

Yeah, because I don't, I can't come over the third. I mean, I got a couple, but they're bad. Davey's tilted. Moles. Moles with makeup? Moles and freckles, number four answers. Oh, my gosh. Oh, come on.

I, we're merging moles and freckles. Yeah, we also merged scars and bruises was one of the answers. Oh, bruises. And then, ooh. Between the hotel. Why are you in a hotel? What is, ooh. And then Hick.

was the final answer. Oh. What? Inappropriate. Were you like downtown? We were at the downtown mall when you were taking these ones? I do try to. I've got to.

If you had to bleep me. Go on. I was so mad. I thought I hit it so fast. Name a Christmas show or movie that is on TV every year. I'm going to go with Home Alone. Oh, sorry. I didn't think I had my button down.

Home Alone was the. Number five answer. What? That's absurd. Frosty the Snowman. Frosty is the number four answer. Dang it. Dumb.

It's a wonderful life. Yeah, that's number one. That's the number three answer. Okay. Okay. Rudolph? Rudolph was the number one answer. I couldn't decide between Frosty and Rudolph.

Dude, that's Christmas story was the number two. No, I knew it wasn't home alone because that's not like... Home Alone is the number one Christmas movie every year. Like if you go to Netflix for us... It's not even close to any of those. But it's not.

Because you got all the old's male. You think of the iconic, just traditional ones. I couldn't decide. Eventually. I wish I were to go on with Rudolph, man. Yeah, same. But like, all right, what's the score? Like 50 years from now when we can get rid of that garbage,

wonderful life, Miracle on 34th. You don't have to insult the old just because you didn't live through it, Mike. I insult it because it's bad and I don't like watching it. Christmas story is great. I didn't say anything about Christmas stories. That's fair. You did. I said Miracle on 34.

No, that's fine. I know we watched it. Three rounds. We still got a close race. We got Mike with six, Jason with four, Andy with three. Moving on to round four. Which animals communication sounds a lot like crying? A whale.

A whale is the number five. What in the world? That's moaning, Jason. That's moaning. How do you moaned? Read the question again. Which animal's communication sounds a lot like crying. I'm going to go with a cat. cat is the number one answer

bang what? Bop, ba-bub-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bang What? I mean, I did get it. Who are you interviewing? What?

He was interviewing cats. What are we even talking about? Dog? No, no, you shook on bird. Great. Dog is the number five answer. Yeah, that's fine. Bird was the number four answer.

Dolphin number two answers. I thought about dolphin, but what? What? Wait. Oh, wait. Has Jason answered? Yeah, yeah. Okay, good.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. how is it not Jason I'm upset for you how was it not whale there's only one animal that actually sounds like a human crying I think if you were in a room

and there was a whale in the next room you wouldn't be like is somebody crying no you'd be like it's a moaning but if a cat's meow you might be like is that a baby crying if it's a kitten the important thing guys listen the important thing is that I got the number one answer but it matters give me him points if it's a cat or you know it or if the dog's in the other room

and he's sad that he's in there That sure sounds like crying. What is... Listen, those people are fired. If you don't want to be a man to the people, that's fine. No, the people are fired. Into the sun. What is the current score?

We are sitting with Mike with seven, Andy with six, Jason with five. I don't like this. In protest. Two rounds left? Three rounds left. Last round will be worth double.

So super close. Besides alcohol, tobacco, or controlled substances, name something that people can get addicted to. Gambling. Gambling. is the number one answer. Video games.

Video games and TV, number four answer. That leaves me, I'll say work. Oh, not on the board. What? Power is the only one that's kind of close to work. If your work is like a position of power, but the number two answer was caffeine. Number three answer was food. Yeah, that makes sense.

I feel like work was a good answer. Work was not a bad answer, but I do agree that that's. the others. You can slap a hollick on that and I know that word. That is true. I don't know like a power o'holic. Yeah, what? Come on. Although I bet it's pretty It's all right. I've got a, oh, Mike is in a big

He's got a big lead. Not when round seven's on the way. That's important. We got Mike with 10, Andy and Jason both with six. And we're moving on to round six. In protest. Tell me a woman's name that starts with the letter Jay. Jessica.

Jessica, number two answer. Oh, come on. Jennifer. Jennifer, number one answer. Jenai. Jolene? No chance in hand. Yeah, that's not on the board.

That's weird. Julia is on the board, I bet. Oh, Julie. Yeah, Julie's a good one. It was Jennifer, Jessica, Jamie, Jackie, Julie, and Julia as one. And Judy. That's a fun question. Judy?

She's a judge. All right, now I think Jolene should be on there. Thank you. Wait, this is like final round wins at all. Judy. Pretty much. Judy. Hey, is that not the song?

We got a score. Oh, Judy in the skies with diamonds. Yeah, okay. All right. That's Lucy. Oh, it is. It is. Judy in the sky.

Considering it's not JSD, that makes sense. Judy in the sky. I love that so much. That is funny. For the man with the best memory. and the music man to be like, oh, Judy in the sky. I'm upset. All right, we are, uh, I mean.

We got a score of 1098, Mike, Andy Jason. And we're going into the last round, which is worth double the points. Name an item. A company might put their logo on and give out for free. Pins. Oh, that's the number one answer. Penn is the number one answer. Yeah.

I, uh, dang it. Who cares. Yeah, it doesn't even matter. My answer is, my answer is, my answer. is whales. Not on the board. You can try to beat Mike. No, Wales is not on the board.

No, who cares. Oh, man. A thermos. Yeah, there you go. Cup, water bottle. Yeah, let's give you that. That was the number four answer. Good.

Just give me stupid points. Does that get him there? Yeah, absolutely. No, it doesn't. No, I couldn't beat him. No, I won right there with pins. Thank you. That was the only time I was able to go before you guys.

Did he say pen or pin? Can we check? Oh. Can we check? Like one of the Disney pins? Yeah. Tricons and pins are not on the board. Okay, well, we're under protest. I think he said it.

We're going to need to review this day. He was saying. Sneaky, sneaky, man. Good thing I got this break button here. We'll be back with our draft. Judy in the sky. All right, we are drafting foods. It's so good for Mike is just so tickled.

Foods that make you thirsty. and Mike gets the first pick, lucky guy. So this, I'm in a tough spot here. Because we haven't started the draft yet. There we go. The spitballers draft. Thank you, producer. I was too caught up in my victory.

And Judy. And Judy. Sorry about that. So there is the correct number one answer. And then there's the answer that I, I'm just, I'm going to go with it. You don't think that there's a few? There's a handful of three.

No, no, no, there's a handful of top tier, but there's, there's a clear 101 for me. And I'm not going to take it. Okay. Okay. Because if I say, these blank are making me thirsty. Yeah. It's not that. It's pretzels.

Yeah. These pretzels. Salted pretzels would have been my top thing. Are making me thirsty. That would have been your number one thing? I think, well, no, maybe two. See? Maybe two.

It's my two. It's my number two. But it's also, but, but the, but the. the voters will. Yeah, no, I get it. I'm not saying that's a bad pick, but saltine crackers. Salteen crackers is easily the 101. Yes, it is the 101. You can't survive without water if you eat saltine crackers. So that's going to make me the thirstiest.

I'm taking saltines. Saltine crackers. Hmm. Hmm. I think potato chips is the number one answer. Oh, that's a hot take. I think potato chips is the number one answer. And I think no.

I eat potato chips without water all the time. I mean, wait, I mean, is, oh, no, I didn't even put on my list. Potato chips? Yeah, because I'm with Jason. I eat them all the time without drinking. No problem. Yeah, we eat all of these without drinking. And then you get, you have saltines.

The point is that. Saltines is a good pick. Just anyone in the world, just be like, you go in the pantry. You're like, hmm, I can eat one saltine without drinking. And then you're like, ooh, saltine, it's just munch on them. Yeah, just nothing. There's a reason that saltines, by definition, need to be put in soup because it's a liquid to, like, help them. Because they make you thirsty. It's just a square piece of salt. This food makes you so...

They're called saltines. It's called, it makes you so thirsty. We have to serve it with a beverage. Yeah, your mouth, I would say if this is a draft of foods that make your mouth the driest, which is a similar draft. It's also saltines wins. But I'm going potato chips for my first pick. And then my second pick, to me, this is like borderline at the top of the list as well. it's popcorn like salted popcorn popcorn popcorn would have been my next I would have been more specific I would have gone movie theater popcorn they got that flavor call

boom boom I get them all yeah sure you said popcorn you get popcorn the point is if you were offered free popcorn at the movies but you're not allowed to drink during it

I don't know if you'd be accepted I would say no I would think you'd say no I would foolishly say yes I would say yes I would eat it and then I would be like I regret this that's a great pick

you should have gone in the opposite order. I get them both. It doesn't matter. Yeah, well, you know, respect. Yeah, no one matters. Um, go ahead. All right. For me, you know, at Jeremy, why do you think they sell popcorn? Brother, you are making a very strong point right now. For the profit margin on the... Talk about how cheap it is to make. And then they're like,

you better buy this soda pop. That's true. Or we'll see you in 20 minutes. Yeah. Go ahead. I dare you. Don't buy a soda. That's, that's really funny. You know, if you don't get it with the combo, it costs 2x. Better buy it now. For a reason, because you'll be back. Because we know. It's got to be like 10 cents or less for the amount of syrup and soda that they give you. Oh, the profit margin on soda? That's humongous. That's why it's $9.99. 99. All right, Jason, you're back up.

So at first, when I was thinking about this, you're thirsty, I kind of got stuck on water. You know, because when you're thirsty, you drink water. Wait. It's not always water that you drink when you are thirsty and you really need a beverage. This water is making me thirsty. No, I'm drafting water. I'm drafting ocean water. Okay.

That's a crafty little pick. I already blew it. I'm taking peanut butter. Yeah, okay, okay. Peanut butter is what? No, you got to have milk. You cannot have peanut butter without milk. You're not eating a spoonful of peanut butter without milk.

You're not having a peanut butter or jelly sandwich without milk. I'm going to push back a little bit. Okay. Burr. The pushback is that I agree that you need liquid with those, but I wouldn't say that peanut butter makes me thirsty. I would say it makes me feel like I have to drink. Weird.

Yeah. So, I mean, when I feel like I have to drink, I would let myself say I'm thirsty. I'm drinking just to get it out of my mouth. Okay. I know what you're saying. You're washing. You're rinsing it down.

You're not actually thirsty. I'm just trying to find a hole in the argument. Mike, you're back on the clock. Jason went with peanut butter. I just want to talk about that milk commercial. Dude, milk crushed with those commercials. Where did they go? I mean, people don't watch live stuff anymore, so commercials got stupid.

I don't think we need to be convinced on milk anymore. I think that's the real. I think we are all. Did we need to be convinced in the 90s? Apparently. Apparently we were like about to have cereal with something else. The kids aren't drinking enough milk. It's not like you've got to be convinced to have drink Coke.

It's like, you know, it's like, you just advertise. But there's Coke ads all the time. Exactly. You do have to be convinced. You do. Coke is 100%. They make you think. They make you think the feelings.

Yes. Smart. They do. Jason, peanut butter and saltine crackers. I got potato chips and popcorn. Mike, you got pretzels. Saltine's the only draft pick so far. That doesn't start with the letter P.

Interesting on the thirsty thing. Oh, I got another one. Yeah. Go for it. You got two picks. I got two, actually. But I'm going to take, I'm going to take jerky here first. That's what I wanted next.

Yeah. Good pick. That was my third on my list. It's because it's so salty. That is. It's going to be a theme of these foods. I feel like I just don't like jerky as much as the next man. Oh, you haven't found the right one.

Is that it? I have to find my, like, my soulmate in the jerky department. Because you got to figure out what you want out of a beef jerky. I think I want, like... There's so many different flavors. There's so many different textures. I don't want to feel bad an hour later because of so much salt and, like, spices and fake stuff. That's not possible.

Okay. Jason has his favorite. I know that. We can't say it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not a sponsor. Yeah, they haven't. They haven't... Old something.

Yeah. All right. I got one more. You got jerky. We're going to go. We'll just stay in the movie theater. I'm going to take nachos. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's, uh, that is a good pick. It's in the chip category. Yeah, that is correct. The cheese does help you. Like, I could go eat nachos and I think I get it. It does, but tortilla chips by itself makes you thirstyer than nachos. Agreed.

Yeah. A little bit because of the issue, but the nachos got the, it's got the spice. Okay. So you're trying. It's drying you out and it's spicing you up. Okay. Spice is a good thing to think about. Jason, you've got saltines and peanut butter.

Yeah, I am going. Have you ever put peanut butter on saltines? I have done that before. I have done that. Get the water ready. Yeah. Get the hose ready. I'm going with essentially the same line of things.

You're going to the movie. Not the movies, but the spice. Oh. It can make you very thirsty. I'm not eating hot wings without a tall glass of water. Water. Okay. You know, hot wings are going to, they're salty.

They make me thirst, and I got to, I got to cool down. I got to cool down. I'm getting spicy. Hot wings are really good. I mean, I'm not. They're nothing to say about the thirst part, just that he likes the taste. They're just, they're really good. It's similar to the popcorn without a drink.

I'm not, I'm not doing hot wings without a drink. That's a great point. Why? I need more hot wings in the movie theater. That's a, that's a mistake. That's a pretty messy situation. Oof. You're an amateur hot wing eater over here.

No, I've had my share of hot wings. But they give you, some of the hot wings places give you the like, they give you the wipes. But they're so tiny. They're like wipes for ants. They're like, you have to open a 10,000 of them to get the amount of like, they've been, they're for each finger. Yeah. So you went hot wings. Like this is just a tiny napkin.

Man. I you know there's a lot of things left I'm trying to figure out where to go I think I'll go French fries I think French fries I mean they're salty potatoes it's kind of like the chip situation I also think what

makes a soda taste the most delicious thing like possible? What makes the actual liquid taste the best is generally the salt yeah the salt before like what you eat before there are foods you eat where like the drinking of the drink is almost

as good as the food. All right. You're the complimentary. Which is why I'm going to go a weird way. And this is just a personal take. I don't care about the poll. To me, there is no singular, more satisfying drink,

which I think equates to thirst, like you said. Then waffles with syrup. If I have waffles with syrup, I'm telling you the drink of milk. Because it's so savory. It's the sweet savory. Yeah.

The drink of milk after pancakes or waffles. I'll just say that, pancakes waffles. Is the singular greatest drink of drink that you can have? Interesting. Well, it's not on my list. No. I didn't expect it. I don't hate it.

I'm not drafting things that are on Jason's list. That's a different draft. Otherwise, that's a draft idea. We have to pick things that we think is on your top 10. Dude, we have to do that. Oh, that's good. All of us put together a list of 12 items, and we have to try to pick from the other people's list. And it's, if you don't, you miss it.

You're like, out. That's funny. We can figure it out. I know that's not a crowd pleaser. I just had to be true to myself, Jason. And you've seen me eat some pancakes recently. Yeah. But you took waffles.

I took both. Huh? Pancakes slash waffles. You didn't hear me tell him. He did pivot mid-exposedion. Yeah, took pancakes waffles. I just mean that item. I don't know we could draft like four foods in one.

Yeah. We got pancakes and waffles. I'm allowing it just because it's such a bad thing. Why didn't you take... You should have taken potato chips and tortilla chips. All right. For my final pick. It's really foods with syrup.

That's really what it is. French toast. You want to put that on there? Add French toast, please. Who cares? Who cares? Put it in. Yeah.

They're all bad. Add that up there. Flavjacks, please. I also want any variants. We have. Are they different than pancakes? No. Goodness, no.

But maybe in some parts of the country you prefer it. Maybe there was something I didn't know. We have a container of this in our studio that I snack on it from time to time. No. my coming my important coming pick look at my picks guys I'm going crazy you are loaded make sure Belgian waffles are on there too oh go on Jason uh giving hash browns too I cannot possibly survive with salted mixed nuts without a drink I mean course yeah and that is going to make me thirsty yeah that's where I thought you were going to go with the peanut butter one and

it's like the mouth needs hydration the mouth is just destroyed and it needs to be like, when I drink water. Oh, yeah, let's see what. No, no, no. I'm asking you, Jay, what's all in your, uh, in the mixed nuts? Yeah. Obviously, you got peanuts. You got cashews. Then you got the real problems for, for liquid like almonds. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Probably some walnuts. Saliva stealer. Uh, maybe, maybe some macadamians in there. And of course, a few pistachios. A freaking weird out. And pistachios, unfortunately, are never included enough in the mixed nuts. They must be expensive. They're expensive. Passaches are very expensive.

Do you know how hard it is to take those shells off? I think the best final pick would have been pancakes, waffles, french toast, Flap Jacks, Belgian Waffles, French Toasticks, and Ago's. That's what I think. Oh, it's Lego. You went with salted mixed nuts? Salted mixed nuts.

It's a good pick. Mike, final pick for our draft of things that make you thirsty. If you ever want to be thirsty and you follow that up with just the farts. What? Corn nuts. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, man, I forget about corn nuts. I'm living a life where those are no longer an option for me and my teeth. Yeah, for your teeth, 100%. And because you ate it as a teenager, you're like, these are so delicious. And then you got the farts. You got a real cornut fart problem? Oh, you don't? Is it a flavor?

I love the ranch. I don't even remember my flavor of fart. We're disgusting. Hold on. I like the ranch corn nuts. Yeah. What else did they have? Or probably, there's an original?

Yeah. They had some sort of spicy Southwestern ones. I just didn't know if you had the farty kind. I think they're all that way. Mine were just teeth breakers. Man, those things were outrageous. What are they? It's corn.

Yeah, but from like a giant ear. Like a humongous giant. It was growing corn. Some other options here. You got into the salted nuts. I had that on their cookies with milk. Sure. Maybe that would have been better than waffles and all that.

Just give them cool. cookies, I don't care. Dry cereal, soy sauce-related product. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Soy sauce will get you. Biscuits. Oh, dude, I got biscuits on my list as well. I wanted a spicy food, but I feel like you guys aren't going to let me just draft spicy food.

Of course not. That's not a food. That's a category of, that's a concept. Like when you sit down and like, my sir, what would you like to eat? I'll take the spicy food. They're arguing with what I didn't do, Al. You brought it up as something you wanted to do. Ruby Ferry did end up with.

all of breakfast. Darn right, I did. You guys have any other... So you're less as potato chips, Popper, breakfast fries and breakfast. The other peas I had, I had pork rinds and pepperoni. Pepperoni?

You ever got down on like some snack pepperoni? Salted meats. Yeah, that makes sense. A dry turkey sandwich. Oh my gosh. Especially when you'd say it's dry. Yeah, any dry food, any like super dried out. Well, but turkey sandwiches is pretty much always. Oh my God. I'm so thirsty.

Turkey sandwiches, if you're not slathering the mayo on. there. It's, it's, it's going to, you're going to need to drink. What did we learn today? I learned today that cats sound like people crying and whales don't. Don't. Freaking stupid. Sometimes, sometimes the people. I learned I'm a man of the people today. Chil! Champ to champ. Mike. I learned that organs resetting and sleep will give you the same unlimited life. It's everlasting. Yeah. Okay. That is it for today's spitballers.

Shout out to Al Borland and Papa Josh for helping us out. We'll be back on the new episode next week. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.