Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Pantry Cams & Best Movie Deaths - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

Spit Hit for Dec 29th, 2025:It’s an episode to remember as we find out WAY too much about Jason’s Pantry habits, solve some mind-bending math problems, ride roller coasters to work and wrap things up with a Best Movie Deaths draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Eak out! Oh, no! Yikes! I'm totally dead! I wish there were a few more. little exclamations.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I liked it. Yeah, that was pretty good. For me, it was pretty good. Yeah.

If you're grading on a curve, that's an A plus. Yeah, I think there's a lot to unpack there. One thing being that you took the scat upon yourself. I mean, last week we gave it to Papa Josh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And you could have skipped it. I mean, we did give you the option. You could have. We didn't. really given the option. No, no, no. You were in the room. I said I'm happy to do it. He was going to move on and I said no, I want this scan. But no, hold on it. It was offered. I was not in the room. That's true. Yeah. Bro. Fake offer. Beto. Well, either way. Unnecessary. I chose to do the scat. I just want to make sure everyone knows that it was not of your accord. Okay. Well, both both in.

No. 100% Mike, uh, crawled in. Okay. We got it. No, I'm, I'm with you now. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm I apologize. But there's a 101 in this draft to me. And I believe Andy would have taken him. And so, you know, so I get the 101. Him? It's a him. Okay.

We are drafting the best movie deaths on today's show. So, yeah, I mean, there's a lot more than you think. And by the way, like, if you don't want to hear who died in movies, you might want to skip the draft because we're going to give you 12 spoilers. Right. Yes. Some of them are old, I'm sure. and then, you know, but there might be a recent one or two.

Yeah, so there you go. Best movie deaths on the show today. What's the difference? Would You Rather as well? And we're happy to have you with us. Thank you for supporting the show, following the show, telling your friends about it. I guess we'll kick it off. Would you rather?

Cody, from the website. Would you rather have your daily commute be replaced with a roller coaster of your design? I like that idea. Or a giant catapult and a parachute. Okay. I like that idea. In either case, your safety is guaranteed. Okay.

Well, I mean, I feel like there's an easy answer here. Yeah. Okay. Because of, like, if you are on a. roller coaster, that will be slower than flying through the air, right? I don't, not, I said a roller coaster of my design. Yeah. Oh, this thing's going for you.

Are you just doing a bullet train? I'm just doing a bullet train roller coaster. No, you have to have something that makes it a roller coaster. Otherwise, you're like driving a monorail or a train. No, the launch is what makes it a roller coaster. Oh, do you go up, click, click, click? No, no, no. I'm, you know, like a flat launch.

Yeah, a flat launch. Yeah, a flat launch is not enough to make it a roller coaster. You know what, I know it. If you get on a flat, if you go to an amusement park and they're like, come ride on the blue rocket. And the blue rocket is just a launch start straight in the line and you get off on the other end. You will say that is a train. Not if it explodes off the line. If it's going to make me swallow my stomach.

I guess they do shoot you up, but this would just be straight. I think you need one. I mean, Al, you rule on this. I think you need like either one loop or one. I think you do to. At least a turn corner or something. Look up, what is the, like, how fast does like a bullet, a real actual bullet train launch? Because, me, those things get up to insane top speeds.

Yes, the top speeds are crazy. I would imagine. Up to 320 kilometers an hour, so 200 miles an hour. But I would, I would guess that that it's a slow progress to start. They're not trying to like have the passengers. No, I agree with that. That part is specific to like a coaster. So there are rides now where it's, it's an extreme.

launch like zero to 60 or whatever it is in just a couple seconds and then all you do really is you go up pretty vertical though up a hill and then kind of turn and come back down that's the entirety of the ride I'm fine with your plan Jason if you do the click click click click you don't get an instant launch that would make it a roller coaster to me so like it if you had to be backwards no if you had to click up like up the top of it you had to go click click click in credit coaster just launch you right up? Yes, it does, but it has loops and turns and it's roller coaster. But I'm saying the launch is flat, you can still have the loops. I'm saying you can opt into a click, click, click, or a loop. That's all I'm saying.

I am saying that I will meet you where your point is, which is that a flat thing is not a roller coaster. But I will not choose either the loop or the click, click, click. I will, because I love. What are you choosing? Well, first of all, one of my favorite parts of roller coasters are the rolling hills. Like the, when you go like this, you get the air time. the little air time. Like, I would do that the whole way. I don't know. I don't know.

That'd be a lot of vomit. I think if you had a bunch of rolling hills, that's fine. If you had a bunch of rolling hills and you got an awesome launch. But I'm forgetting part of this question was that your safety is guaranteed either way. Because, like, when I think I don't want to parachute, I don't want to get injured. I don't want to die. Safety, but not necessarily your discomfort. Like you, what's more comfortable?

Oh, the roller coaster, I think. I'm just thinking, too, like, you're going to have rainy days, you're going to have sunny days. You can have windy days. Which one, like, do I want to fly through a thunderstorm or roller coaster through one if I got to get to work? That's a great question. Now, I think we need Mike's thoughts on this. My original thought is, is, like, do you guys remember the kind of the, it feels like the moment where this show was like, we need to do the Spitballer show. yeah was we were on a trip oh yeah oh my gosh in an uber and we this is why we made the show

and we got into a really dumb discussion about a catapult yes that's that sends you to work but no matter what happens the time frame of you could be going one mile you could be going a thousand miles the the time of the travel was always the same it wasn't it wasn't that it sends you to work is that the catapult continue anywhere in the world, but it always takes whatever. Maybe it's 30 seconds. Yes. So if you wanted to go from here to my house, I'm going at a very

way up in the air and then coming down. But if you wanted to go to New York, that is a straight line. There better be some ground clearance. That is exactly why this show exists is talking about that in a car. So that's what I was remembering. And between the two of them.

I want to fly, brother. Yeah, I mean, I think that would be. A parachute would be fun. I think that's what I have to take, too, because it's... What is the roller coaster trying to do? It's trying to make you feel like you're flying? Like you can fly. It's also trying to make you vomit.

Dude, getting old is the worst, guys. Not just segue to it. You can't ride them anymore. It is the absolute worst. I cannot do roller coasters. And that gives me such... I'm in perfect health at 40. Fear.

That gives me such fear because I know plenty of people... But you're older than me. But my point is that you used to love roller coasters. Yes. You used to be able to do roller coasters. And you got to a point because I love roller coasters. I can do roller coasters. Can roller coasters do you?

Yeah. Do you dirty. I would say 90% of them can. There are 10% that's like that lap bar is a real problem. Oh, that's a real problem. Okay. That was the direction I was going. Oh, that's brutal.

Um, so, so what are you, do you want to be catapult? I'm going to catapult. That's what I'm doing too. All right. If I know that I'm going to be safe on the way down, that's going to be awesome. Can you sell, like, do you have to have somebody come outside and, like, pull the lever, though? Like your kid or your wife or somebody has to, you can't, do they have Wi-Fi connected catapults? I feel like you could, even with that Wi-Fi, you can just work something up where.

Yeah, you just pull the lever is where you are. Yeah. Okay. It's a giant catapult that throws you to work. We can overcome the launching mechanism. All right, we all want to fly, huh? Yeah, yeah. Logan from the website, would you rather immediately poop every time you yell anything?

Okay. I'm just realizing how that would undermine any arguments with your kids. Yeah, yeah. Clean your room, and I'm going to go wipe. Or, so immediately poop. anytime you yell anything. That would also affect cheering for sporting events. It would affect a lot.

Or uncontrollably yell, help. I am dying anytime you poop. Which I have done. Wait. Were you? Oh, you've, friends. If you've never had an experience where you say, maybe I haven't yelled it,

but I have definitely said, I am dying right now. Come on. Have you even lived? I meant, were you dying? I mean, have you ever almost been dying due to a poop? Oh, so many times. I mean, I've had, I've had those moments.

And those moments are always, they're always accompanied by incredible sweating. Oh, yeah. When your forehead is participating in your poop, that's a bad time. In the other situation, you would eliminate all possible constipation because at any moment, that you needed to go, you would need to yell. But eventually, you're empty, right? So how's this going to work? Because what if I'm yelling a lot?

Oh, maybe that people would see you and go, that guy is really angry. He didn't even, he didn't even poop that tiny yell. Like, dry heaving? Dry heaving out of my butt. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Because, I mean, when you run out.

That's a good one. When you run out, you run out. That's just a fact of light. that is a that is but you don't i mean that is true but you don't run out for long because you eat three meals a day and snacks like there's a little so like that almost makes it worse if you're just like topping off you know it would be very inconvenient you don't empty out for long your body's working through it one of these is involuntarily yelling and one of these is involuntarily pooping your pants i think we know what we're

We're all taking here. We'll scream at the top of our lungs. Can you imagine? I don't just all the time have accidents. What if you were shot off in the cataple and then you just screamed? Oh, my. Well, then I'd start going catapult. Oh, man, the people underneath me.

Yeah, exactly. Boy, we've settled that one. Thanks for that question, Logan. Curtis from Patreon, would you rather have everything you buy or pay for be 50% less or would you rather make 50% more income? Well, how are these not the same? Let's think about that.

Well, how are they not the same? Well, one. Because you're making 50% more income if everything costs 50% less, even at your current price. This is the same. Only you. These are the exact same. If you don't have a good, well, if you don't have a good salary.

Right? Let's say you make. But it's only good relative to what you can buy. buy with it. But my point is if you make $50,000 a year Yeah. Would it, that you might choose to have things be cheaper

if you make a million dollars a year. I don't know how they're different. I'm trying to work through it. I don't. I mean, the one point is that it would affect the world around you. Well, that's what I was saying. Is it just you? Well, yeah. It's just you. Okay.

Then, yeah, it still doesn't, it doesn't give you an advantage. I can't of any, Al, I can think of an availance. Can you weigh in here? For me, it was easy. I don't spend everything I make, so I'd rather make more money because then my savings is my 50%.

What is your savings for? A rainy day. Yeah, but on that rainy day, it will buy, it will not, it will buy half, it'll be half the price. Yeah. I mean, this is half price medical. Everything, everything, everything you spend money on. If your home is, is half off, I think.

If I give you a dollar. right and it costs 50 cents for your medical emergency or i give you two dollars and it costs a dollar for your medical emergency it's the same well then i'd rather have more more money or no that comes with more more problems yes so many more problems less money less problems that was the song right yeah yeah all right wait i i don't want to leave this because there's got i'm afraid of spitwads out there's screaming at us how it's different look i got one i got one i got one i got one giving giving if you make double and you want to give you know uh Mike that was Mike doing that you you you could have more from

yeah yeah that's not spending or but you can't give as much because you your stuff costs the same it's no but like but like uh owl was saying I don't have to spend on, I don't have to buy something for myself today. It's a noble try. Yeah. It's a noble try, but it don't help the situation. I'm going to be very altruistic. Because your bills are the same.

They are. And then Jason will just have a room that's like full of the money. I mean, I guess. He's like, that's my giving money someday. I guess if you make more, you can say I make more. So if you like, if you like. Oh. So now you, Amy wants higher taxes.

Boom. There's a loophole. There you go. Taxes go up with your bracket. Yes, they do. Percentage of taxes. Half off. I think we all got to go half off.

Otherwise, we're losing money here. Thanks Uncle Sam. Unfortunately, if everything's half of, they're making half the sales tax. They're going to have to raise your income taxes. All right. No, I think that's the right answer. We'll just go with that. Sure.

Oh, I love this. Al searched to try it. figure out what chat GPT thought, which is exactly what I was doing over here on my side. I was trying to say, explain the differences. What is, uh, is out, did it bring up taxes? What did Chad GPT say? It does discuss a higher income would put you into a higher tax bracket. Um, but it says, uh, generally increasing your income would be more beneficial than reducing your expenses. Oh, good, good reasoning. Because it leads to a greater increase in disposable income. So basically what we already discussed. Okay.

I still don't stand for that. I don't believe it. All right. Do we have time for one more of these or do you want to? Yeah, let's do one more. Corbyn from the website. Would you rather have to deal with every picture and TV in your house being crooked? Oh, boy.

Oh, man. Or every cabinet and door in your house be super squeaky. Wow. I think I would have to choose the cabinet doors. Obviously, both of these are terrible. But I don't think I can sit and watch a movie knowing that that screen is just tilted. There would be something in me that would have to stand up and leave the house. I would be so angry.

Would you put a cushion under one cheek? Oh, you balance yourself. I think I'd rather like lay down, like just completely lay down. Maybe if I'm watching it, you know, sideways, I wouldn't be able to tell it's crooked nature. I mean, the squeaky thing is tough. especially like at night waking people up yeah or when you do the hidden snacks

but it's like oh I don't want to no one's in the room they're not going to know I'm grabbing this candy bar do you have like a hidden safe well that looks like you can't tell it's a safe

but you open it up and it's just sweet rolls oh man that's I need to I need to do that because right now I've got a real safe that keeps all my sweet rolls just a giant gun safe if you can get in that like someone's going to steal this inside of that the Hawaiian rolls Reese's cups every everything the body needs that can't be true

no that's not that's not true um man it's under fingerprint lock it's well you got in there quick yeah yeah I'm just picturing somebody makes a safe somewhere that is a pantry safe it's called a pantry safe um I need that for my it's refrigerated like we should literally lock our pantry I have a lock pantry. Oh my gosh! You have a lock code on your pantry? No, not a code. Like an actual just when I replaced, and we moved

in and we replaced all the door handles, you put a lock? And I purposely bought one that can lock. Okay, but do you use it? It's had to be, it's been used many times, yes. Okay, but it's not like always in use. No, no, it's not always locked. Like the key is way up there, and every time you want to get in, you got to reach. No, I mean, there was. We have a nest cam inside our pantry. Oh my goodness.

This is problems in America in 2024 for parents because I'm sitting here thinking that's actually a brilliant idea to put like a lock on the pantry door and there's a code and you you got to ask permission and you want to go in there. Would you need to not have the code? I'm not locking myself out. Jay, we've been checking the cameras. There's like 10 minutes of footage that's gone between 4.50 and 5 o'clock. scrubbed and it just jumps from like the three boxes are gone in the next clip and it just jumps um no we had we found uh too many rappers down the side of one of our children's bed uh beds uh and we were like oh so the middle of the night has been and so now we got

the camera ours was candy related too if i lock it down is in their candy if i got a camera I am afraid that I would put down like Amazon web services from cloud storage for the amount that would go off with my children, just rating whatever candy drawer they can find. I need a camera on a lock system. We need the Truman show, but just your pantry. Just broadcasts. It's just 24-7 broadcasted pantry. Jason's pantry.com. Anyone can get there.

Anyone can look full access to my pantry. people will start doing stats tracking things that'd be fun how many times does he come in his underwear next question all right ad break we're back from the ad break we're back from the ad break but we're still having a good time let's move on What's the difference between me and you? All right. What's the difference between this show and another show?

This one's funnier. Made of children. What is the difference between a bet, a wager, and a gamble? Okay. Okay, this is really important. Yeah, I feel like there's a different category. Like a wager is more sophisticated. Oh, yes.

If I was, like, I'd be like you wager on horses and when you dress nice. When you go to wager on them. Yeah, you're definitely dressed. To wager. To wager. You don't think about your outfit when you're gambling. Gambling is just how many neon lights are in the vicinity to me. See, to me, gambling also means this is going to have an effect on your life.

Oh, you know what I mean? Oh, you don't have a wagering problem. You've got a gambling problem. Exactly. Because when you're sophisticated, you're allowed to make wagers. That's fun. But when you've got a problem, it's a gambling issue. They don't ever do a disclaimer at the end of the ads and say, have you been wagering too much?

Call this number. No. Because that guy is able to wager. I mean, like, you know, he's at a place. You might have to wager in a suit. I think you might wager in suits Your closet certainly Chalk full of them

You have tons of suits Or fancy dresses Women can wager But they are all sophisticated And probably have really nice hat collection Oh like the big sun hats Yes You're just going full Kentucky derby

Yes that's all wagers That is how I'm picturing it Nobody there has a problem No No they have solutions now a bet a bet is willy-nilly anybody could bet at any time with anybody bets are tiny they don't have to pay taxes on bets they don't have to be right IRS yeah for sure yeah but but gambling

gambling means this is gambling you're always going to lose you know I mean sure yeah nobody is ever you know there's not the other side of the coin to the gambling problem there's not like oh you know how how's Patty and Sam doing oh they're super well that he's a big gambler. You know what I mean? Like, ah, I put the kids through college. He's a gambler. He's a great gambler. All those lights exist. Yeah. They make money. Settled. Figured it out. Put on your suit. Make a wager. Get rich. Yeah. Get rid of your problems here. Yeah. Bad times by dressing. By spending more money on the outfit. What is the difference between a trip, a vacation, and a getaway?

Um, which one do you plan the longest for? A getaway is not planned. Okay, I mean, spur of the moment. I think it could be 24 hours ahead of time. I think it could be, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I mean, like, this is not. We should get away this week. Yeah, exactly.

You're, you're, this is Thursday night at the latest or, or at the earliest when you're deciding this getaway. I don't think a vacation and a getaway can touch. But I think a trip in a getaway, like a trip. Could be some overlap. There's overlap. there like you if you if you do a getaway it's also a trip i took a quick trip yeah i mean i mean you can also take a a trip can be business related yeah trip is not fun not necessarily

it's not built in to be fun you take a trip to the store oh that's true you know a trip is just like i've got to go somewhere yeah and it could be my doctor's 45 minutes away i got to take a trip to the doctor yeah it could be so many different reasons except fun it can't be fun it can't be fun. If you're going on a fun trip, you wouldn't say trip. Now, let me ask you. So then if I said a week from now, we're going to go for one day, can that be a vacation? That have to be a goodaway too, right? Like, doesn't a vacation have to be a certain amount of days? Yeah, one day is not enough for a vacation. That is not a vacation. Yeah, vacation is three syllables because it requires a length of time. It's the syllable. A trip. Yeah,

could be quick trip is one a getaway that has to be improvised that's like you sit around and you're like oh let's just get out of here all right and sometimes it's a car if you're robbing a bank oh get away yeah all right yeah we could have switch could have put a ball on that before you said anything all right what's the difference between a quiz a test and an exam exams are always at the end yeah an exam is accumulative at the end of what though at the end of of everything you've learned. At the end of the year, at the end of the class, at the end of the... You can have multiple exams, right, in a semester?

But it's the end of the... Like a chapter. Well, the end of a chapter being exam, or is that just a test? That would be a test. No, exams have to be... How many can happen over a semester? A quiz can happen over a hundred times. Oh, pop quiz, hot shot.

You just boom, bam. You don't even know what's coming. That's true. I agree. You have to be able to study for a test. Oh, a quiz, you don't have to study pool. Yeah. Because it's a pop quiz.

Sometimes it's a pop quiz, but they might tell you there's a quiz tomorrow, but you don't need to study. What? Because it's just a quiz. Now, if the quiz goes over a certain question amount, is that in violation of quiz code? Like you can't, if it's a 50, can it be a 50 question quiz? As long as it's multiple choice. A hundred question quiz?

That's, you know, you're pushing it. Yeah, but it's got to be A and B on the multiple choice at that point. Yeah. If it's that many, just a binary option? Yeah. So at some point he's got to graduate in the test category. Yeah, that's just, do you need to study? If you need to study for the test, then it's a test.

An exam has to count for a certain amount of your grade. It's going to say an impact on your grade between a test and exam. I think that's the biggest differentiated. Do you ever take a test or a quiz or something and you did really well on it? And then you realized that it counted for like nothing. Oh, yeah. When you were growing up? Yeah.

I don't remember. He didn't relate to the doing well on it part or what? No, no. Oh, the tests were where I did well. I just didn't have great grades because I did not do homework. That shocks me. Doesn't it? As a man who I met for the first time, as a freshman in a freshman Spanish class. When I was a junior.

When he was a junior, it does not actually shock me. And I did not finish that class. No, and you know what? They did. You were gone. Yeah, you poof. I dropped it. I was like, this sucks.

And then I took. my deficiencies as foreign language and I'm doing all right, but I certainly cannot speak. You speak the same amount of Spanish as I do and I finish that class. Yeah. Which is none. When are they going to teach like usable Spanish in schools?

My kids have had to take Spanish. You've got to start early. They did. They've been taking Spanish since like they were kindergartners. Really? Yeah, mine too. It's not conversational Spanish they get taught. What do they get taught? I don't know. Like they get little quizzes and tests and like certain words, but they can't

talk we got to get because you got to get some immersion going on too for sure but yeah yeah it's hard they just know like panellones i think that's that pants is that pants i think so sounds like it i mean um al do we have time for one more of these we do have we done this one before what is the difference between chicken tenders chicken strips and chicken fingers that feels familiar it sounded familiar to me too but i searched our master doc and couldn't find it but we can skip it if you think we've done it and I think we've done it. I'm pretty sure we've done this one. What about the difference between a carnival

affair and a festival? Okay. You'd be like this one's going to take some deep diving. You dress up for a festival. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're going to, you're probably in some kind of cosplay or time period piece if you're going to a festival. That's the real nerd place. A interesting. I believe.

A fair. See, I was going to. And a carnival. Which one's more dangerous? That's where I was going to head. but a state fair I feel okay about going on the rides at a state fair but it's but like a carnival is the more dangerous. Is that the carnival? And a county

fair is what you normally hear about. The county fair is a pretty big thing. Can you trust the county? I think so. Yeah, but you can't trust a carnival. No, there's like a private. 25% chance of being stuck in the loop. They shouldn't. I mean the whole thing, they build the rides there. Right. They

rebuild them every time none of the things you can win and people love them oh my goodness mostly because of the like the fry bread which is why I like going to the competitions my middle son is just so overly competitive

and every boardwalk game you pass oh yeah every single one is you want to go at it yeah we're gonna we got to go do this and so like we just on uh we just took a vacation it's going to say a trip, but it was...

Whoa. It was not a trip. It was vacation. Yeah. And there's the basketball hoop one there, and he's like, I can, he's a, he's a, he's got a shot. And I'm like, dude, it's rigged. Like, the hoop is not always a circle. Oh, for sure. Like, there are some where it is, but for the most part, these are, it's more of an oval than an actual circle. It's, it's way harder to make the shot. And it, but it's just the allure of it. of if I win, look at this prize that I can win and the greatness that comes with it,

and then you go and you do it, and if he doesn't win, then it's just, then it's a catastrophe. So it's a catastrophe all day if I'm like, no, we can't do this. Then I'm squashing his dreams.

He goes and does it. He goes and does it. He goes and he goes. You are at the carnival. And then we just lose money. And then he said that he didn't make a shot in the rigged game. Don't bring them to these places. This is what I've been trying to say to my wife.

We need to stop bringing him. They'll have those hanging tests where you hang from the bar. Yeah, but it spins. But the bar spins. It's all rigged and we accept it. You didn't know that. The bar spin. Yeah.

I mean, this is the same thing as a casino. It's all rigged in a casino against you. But we go there because you want to be the like exception, not the rule. Except it's even worse because you pay $20 to, and let's say you win the jackpot. You know what the value of that. jackpot prizes three bucks if you're lucky so it's even worse than the casino because the casino at least pays me out in cash in money that is a dollar is worth a dollar and the worst thing to me is if you win let's say you win something at one of the hard places and you got that giant unicorn

i've been there you better not do that early i've been there oh yeah you're carrying around a giant unicorn all day and the kids not doing it i won a human-sized sonic the hedgehog at one of these events early in getting there and my son was young enough to where he loved that we had won this day i had to carry sonic the hedgehog this and i'm not joking when i say it was human sized i mean you were there uh papa josh uh this was at in california what's the uh Knottesbury? Nottsbury. Okay.

We won this thing. I had to carry Sonic the Hedgehog the entire day, human size, on my shoulders like a person. It was awful. I wish someone would have stolen it from me. But that is part of the, it's part of the journey. Like if you have that large prize, you're showing everyone at Knott'sberry Farm. Yeah, it felt good for a little while. I am alpha game playing dad here.

I won this. Whenever I walk by and see someone carrying one of those things. You're in. I think. you respect that's pretty cool yeah they did a good job i don't ever stop to think oh how miserable i'm so sorry for you and that's really what we should be thinking yeah i definitely definitely left that thing someplace on purpose heavy is the crown yeah and that thing was going to walk around with it all day so poorly manufactured all right what happened to it did it make it home we had

stayed somebody had given us the ability to stay in their townhouse in california all right And we thought it would be real funny to leave it in the townhouse. So we left them a gigantic... Should you at least put it like on the toilet or something? We had it sitting at the kitchen table. It was perfect. I would have tucked them in bed. Who's in my bed?

It was so humongous. All right. So Carnival Fair Festival, we feeling good here? Yeah, I think so. The Spitballers Draft All right, we are drafting. Well, it's categorized the best movie deaths, but I need to talk to you guys about this.

Okay. Not because anything needs to change about that title. I just am curious how you interpreted best because it could be funny deaths. It could be most emotionally impactful deaths. It could be most visually unsettling deaths? Like, is it all? It can be all of those things. Coolest, most famous, whatever.

For me, when I look at my list, I picked ones that, like, made an impact on me. You know, the things that I remembered easily off the top of my head, like, oh, my gosh, this, yes. Or, oh, that was so brutally sad. Or, you know, the ones that just stick with you. um that's that's how i did it was yeah i mean i think it's mostly i think that means that all of those categories that brought up all fit because yes i've got all those yeah okay i just just curious where you're going to start whether it would have been the one that i would have taken i was really really really really surprised how many great character deaths have been in movies

which is it shouldn't be surprising considering someone dies in every movie um all right i'm going to go with my one-on-one because I don't know if you would have taken it Andy but you would be the one to take it it is my favorite movie of all times how is this anything? It is Andy's favorite movie as well it's William Wallace the famous that's not the name of the movie

Braveheart Braveheart is the movie William Wallace is the character Freedom yeah but what happens after he yells it he dies oh he does yeah right when he yells it I am so like I put my list together right before it's not on it I forgot what I forgot I mean obviously that is that is I put it on my list of just like

things to steal I'll just put this on here um okay let's play the game I have a lot of deaths on my list but I will go with my first pick Terminator 2 judgment day yeah it would not have or the T-800. Yes, thank you. Arnold Schwarzenegger, thumbs up, going down into the, what,

molten metal or whatever it was, and very iconic famous death. That's what I thought you were going to take it 101. But I did forget Braveheart entirely. Yeah, I mean, that one is,

the thumbs up as he's being melted to the ground is pretty iconic. Oh, yeah. Spoiler alert, again. We're going to tell you the ends of a bunch of movies you should have already seen.

Sometimes it's the beginning, Andy. That's fair. but in both of our movies at the end. Mike, you are on the clock. You got two picks. Yeah.

Terminator 2 definitely would not have made it back. Yeah. But I will start my selection. Hey, guess what? Movies back, guys. Oh, no. It's diehard. Oh.

And I will take Hans being dropped off the building. Hans, the Big Bad in number one. I got it on my list. With the, I mean, it's an incredible moment. The fact that, Alan Rickman did the stunt. Oh. And then the, uh, I didn't know he did that.

Oh, yeah. And then the fun Easter egg is they said, okay, we're going to give you a countdown. And then we're going to drop you. Oh, I did. And they have seen this. They jump the countdown. So he would be actually afraid? Yes.

So the look of fear, you see, that's, I mean, that's a man method acting. Not by choice. Talk about screaming and involuntary pooping in your pants. Uh, so I'm going to go with that one as my number one. oh man i'm not sure what's possibly gonna make it back whatever i'll just so this is i'm kind of cheating here because it's it's a bit of a combo but it has this movie has created a situation for all people of our age that if you're driving on a freeway and there's a truck that has logs in the back of that car you do not drive behind that truck because you're going to

going to die because not just you everybody around you so it is final destination number two specifically the free the opening freeway scene where oh I didn't watch those movies one car one mishap of a car created

a havoc that has stayed with me yeah well see a lot of these since I've seen it I think a lot of these fall in the category of biggest impact on you seeing them and like them lasting because I have some old ones in here

that I think I can save towards the end So I'm going to go with a Look, I'm going to go with a vote getter Oh A vote getter? I'm taking Jack Dawson and Titanic I'm talking the end of Titanic It's not on my list

It's one of the most iconic deputies out there I saw it When I was like looking reminding myself Yeah But I didn't transfer it to my list But so you enjoyed it? No.

Oh, no. I actually kept thinking why didn't you just get up there and survive? Everybody who watched that movie was like, dude did not need to die. But that was like the biggest movie in the world and that scene was the climax of the entire movie. So I think that's why he had to die. I think it was that. Yeah, it was. And I think it was that impactful of an ending for one of the best movies of its generation.

So do you think James Cameron did that on purpose? So you would have that. so you'd have outrage made it to where he super easily could not have died like we should start doing that in movies again like you didn't need to die what there are there have been times like that where I mean I I just saw a movie that I felt that way about and should I talk about it is it a new movie it is the original quiet place okay and so in my I'm like Spoiler. Spoiler. It was the original one. I've seen it. Yeah.

And the main character, John Cresensky, who is the writer-director, at the end of the movie, sacrifices. Oh, wait, he's covering his ears. Al is covering his ears. Wow. Crap. He sacrifices himself. Hold on. What this quiet place came out? What year was it? This has got to be like 10 years. It's 2018.

All right, six years. You've had enough time. Al? We literally just. talked about this at the lunch table and I added it to my list of movies to watch so that's why I'm covering my ears you're fine I got my ears covered all right I'm going to continue

but in it's very it's a touching moment but I'm like watching it and this dude don't even fight back he didn't even he could have tried to survive this thing's coming out I mean he's a distraction so his kids can live how many people

fighting those creatures do you think one in a and just a mono e mono zero percent tried hard zero percent he had an axe in his hand oh i haven't seen it since the theater and just set it down to the side and took it and i'm just saying swing the thing because your kids might want to dad that's all i'm saying okay it got me a little bit i was like swing it have any of you guys seen the mist yeah well hold on oh okay okay all right i forgot you're

directing movie moments of lots of people it's back to jay Jason. He's made fun of my picks efficiently. Go on to your two picks that I hope suck. Man, you're going to be disappointed, Andy, because they're pretty good. I'm going right next to William Wallace. I'm putting

another famous, iconic, same time period, same level of movie type of character. And when you said that there was a new movie coming out, I got scared. Oh, yeah. Because Gladiator 2 is coming out. And I will take Maximus.

Oh, okay. Desimus Meridius. That was... The Gladiator. It was between that and the Titanic Pick, no joke. Because when I think of... It was a long scene in that movie. Yeah.

Because there was a lot of flashing to... His past. Yeah, his wife who had already died in the... She's in the field, the golden field. Yeah, it's not the past. It's like the... It's the afterlife. Yeah.

It's not the past is the future. Yes. The afterlife kind of is the future. Yeah, I mean, no, you're not wrong. Okay. So, yeah, that was, that's a great pick. And then the other one, thank you. Well, I mean, I made it easy.

The other one, this is, I would say, of all the things on my list, the biggest spoiler of, you know, the last handful of years. So, you know, earmuffs if you want. But Tony Stark. Tony Stark at the end of the incredibly powerful Avengers set of movies. Yeah. Is one of the biggest, most surprising, most awesome, most heroic, all of the above deaths. And so, whew, I got a powerhouse team.

Also, if this were a battle royale, I've got nothing but warriors, baby. All right. Take that little Leo DiCaprio. Yeah, you got a bunch of guys that die in the end. Yeah. It's a really good battle royale. Everyone just falls over. Is it back to me?

Yes, sir. I'm going to take a little left field pick here. Because you don't see the death, but you, but you kind of, I mean, you do feel the death. Okay. And I'm going Ellie. Oh, yes. On my list. I'm on my list.

Up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The opening few moments of the movie where you suddenly, you're seeing the story. It's a heart wrecked. Yeah. It's excellent. It's an unbelievable, like, it's not thought of as like a normal movie death, but it was. It happened to you.

Almost everybody that I know that watched up for the first time. Like when they, when they came out, you were crying at the beginning of a movie, which just doesn't happen. And, you know, it's like you start this movie off with this beautiful love montage.

And then they murder her. Yeah, she's just gone. The writers are so sad. Brutal. So that's what I'm going to go. No, that's a,

see, that phenomenal pick. It is a really, it's a really good transition to my next pick. Uh, which is, lawyer sitting on toilet eaten by the Tyrannosaurus

Donald Gennaro Donald Gennaro man that's not on my list that is on my list and it's so iconic so good how did I not think of that lawyer

yes lawyer sitting on toilet is definitely it was a top three death of my childhood to see that scene and I remember I'm going to tell you I slowed down

the frames on that one on the BCR to see I was trying to figure out the movie magic of them ripping like the body it would look pretty good

and harrowing and harrowing yeah they actually did he did get it yeah that guy died but what a sacrifice yeah all right

lawyer on toilet baby so much better than his name in the movie yeah and I like the segue from from this beautiful

beautiful heartwarming Ellie from up to I think it warms the hearts of all of Americans. To see a lawyer. Yeah, get eaten. It's a great pick. Right off the potty. Uh, and I mean, the list is really hard to take. I want to go five rounds. I would go. Can we go five rounds?

Oh, I'll go forever. These, I can talk about dead people forever. Can we do five? Al. Yeah, of course. All right. Let's go five. Okay. Well, then with this pick, uh, I will take, uh, I'm going to go. Indiana Jones. No. No, no, no. Well, I don't know which one you were talking about. Oh, I know what it is.

It's the one, you have chosen poorly. Okay. I don't know. Get to get the arc out of here, bro. That's not. You have chosen poorly. The man, descintic, he ages over the course of a couple seconds and then vaporizes into dust. I thought you were going to Nazi.

Yeah, that's the right one. I had just wrote down melting Nazi on my list because when, but now I'm not taking that because I'm not taking another Indiana Jones death. Yeah, but like when you took the... Yours is the better pick. When you took the lawyer on the toilet, I wasn't thinking of just amazing moments of like side characters. And when you said that, I was like, oh, the melting Nazi.

The melting is fantastic. And the special effects were that they did to actually make that happen. Brutal? It's wild. All right. Back to me? Yep. Guys.

This death, it really... It was emotional. It was, it sucked. And the acting was insane. I'm taking John Coffey, who is Michael Clark Duncan and Green Mile. Okay. The ending of that movie was an emotional, just a wreck of a situation. That's it.

That's, the whole movie's a tough watch. I remember that being what you just described, but I don't, I don't, I think I only watched the movie once. He didn't want them to put the, the, the, cover over his head because he's afraid of the dark. Yeah. It's brutal. It's a brutal. It's not a lawyer getting eaten by a dinosaur. No, mine's way funnier. Yeah.

Jason, two picks on the way back through. All right. You know what? Oh, man, do I want to do it? Do I want to double up? Double up. Oh, oh. I don't think so. Gosh. All right. I'm going to go with one. This is tough. I love all of these picks.

Well, you get to. I guess we're going five rounds. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go with Dobby from the Harry Potter series. That will be one of my picks.

As in like, we got him. Get that freaking character out of here because he's the worst? Dobby is. Oh my God, dude. He's the worst. It's full Jar Jar Jar Binks. No.

Yes. I don't know who's worse. Dobby or Jar Jar Binks. I don't know. I did not see this coming. Oh, because I am literally in the midst. You were stood up and clapped. Yeah.

Well, I'm back in the midst of watching them through with my kids. Are you really? And it's, holy crap. What an obnoxiously terrible character. I think it is very different for those who read the book. Okay, nerd. I don't care. But, like, Dobby has your heart.

That's a good, what's the difference between Dobby, Gollum, and Jar Jar in terms of ranking them in movies. All right. Wow, you got bodied. You can love it. I was really close. I had two. I'm not going this route.

It was really the best when it happened. But I was like, do I go Dobby or do I go Dumbledore? Both were great, but I don't want to double up on Harry Potter. So I'm going to take Sam, which is short for Sam. which you don't remember the name of this character I don't it's from the movie I am legend

and it is a dog oh is that the dog how dare you even bring that up in my presence that that movie is underrated you're just no you're just picking all sad ones yeah well that is about as sad as it gets that's the man strangling as it gets but oh he strangles his own best friend only he's got no one left dude

he's surrounded by vampires um John Coffey got electrocuted for a crime he didn't commit, but no, that's fine. Zombie land dog. It's not zombie land dog. That's I Am Legend Dog. I'm not saying it wasn't sad. Yeah. It's very sad.

The dog from I am legend. I just said it's not as sad as it gets. All right. I am going with, uh, I said I wanted to do a really, really old callback. I am. I am 40 years old. I was born in 1984. There is one.

death that jacked me up okay like it negatively impacted it it was and so can i take a guess julius sees it it was littlefoot's mom in oh yeah yeah before time sure little foot's mom in land before time was my first it's like the first exposure to death of parents or something i don't know what why they shouldn't have done that to me, man. This is all they do in cartoons. They take cheap, easy routes. That was Bambi, too, right? Yeah, I was going to say, right? We probably won't grab it

because you just got that. I had Bambi's mom on my list. And I won't, I'm not going to take Lion King, but it's, no, I know. This is just what they're like, man, we're, that's the same with Frozen. We're really missing some oom fear. What should we do? Kill the parents. There is a lot of dead parents in Disney movies.

Yeah. What is that? It just raises the stakes. It makes everything more important, emotionally bonds you with the characters. It makes complete sense. It's cheap. It's tragic. It works every time. Do you remember the Oh, yeah. Before time? Yes. I don't remember that one. Littlefoot. It was an earthquake.

Yeah. It was the end of the dinosaurs. Until they made like 10 more. Oh, they made like 50 more of those all the video. All right. So, final pick. My final pick here. This is where he goes Nazis whose face melts off in Indiana Jones.

No. uh i am going to take like there's like just quick there's final destination three no no i've got a whole movie uh okay i will take uh it's funny enough like we we don't date these shows usually but we just had a recent holiday uh and that holiday had a very famous movie when we were growing up uh called independence day and at the end of the movie a man comes

and he says guess what boys I'm back and then he flies his aircraft directly up into the spaceship it's so stupid it's so dumb

but it's so amazing I literally just read a 40 tweet thread on the making of that movie of independence day they released that there's this good Twitter follow all the right movies or something like that

and they do these like deep dives on movies and of course it was July 4th so they did it on Independence Day and I don't know if you did you ever watch the deleted scene version of that? Yes it used to be like a crop duster in the original he was denied the ability to fly an F-15 or whatever it was

for good reason the guy was a drunk and he had his crop duster and he tried to fly it up there but they said it's not realistic So they went to the realistic version where he flies an F-15 straight up the whatever of a straight up straight up the exit the sun don't shine and then of course that just destroys

it's the turning point of the intergalactic war yeah it's so ridiculous just like that whole movie but it's it's amazing that that's such a good pick so extras goose and top gun this is spoiler alert like bullet points the wicked witch yeah that's a classic marrying crane and psycho so the psycho lady yeah yeah the joker falling which was similar that's very good but the joker falling in batman yeah that's pretty good um i think that was the last of my list i had uh uh pulp fiction yeah when he shoots Marvin in the gun it's like and he's like Marvin's dead it's just it's so insane and out of nowhere

and then the departed which you could oh yeah the party is like just just pick which one and for me it's the is costigan exiting the elevator after he's like you're like oh my he's gonna win he's gonna and then no he just yeah then no one wins the departed is so good. I've got, um, Bubba from Forrest Gump. Huh. You know, he's... Oh, yeah. That was in war. That was in war. Yeah. Holding them, running them out. There's another Tom Hanks, too, the, uh, from saving private Ryan. Yeah. Which one? Him. Oh, well, are you talking about the slow knife? You got classic Thelma and Louise, you know, hold hands. Go over the test. Oh, so you're making fun of me.

No, I didn't brag it. Have you ever even seen? No, I've never seen it, but it's like iconic. And then I've got to give the biggest shout out of all time. It should be the one-on-one when you talk about because the technical name of this is the best movie death. Yes. And that goes to the vampire in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. I don't know if you remember this for anyone who does. I do not remember it. It was the movie version. The movie version. Terrible? Which was awesome. Oh, okay. And it's about a one minute long dying scene. It is the fucking. going. It is the funniest death of all time.

It's great. We'll pull it up afterwards. You can pull it up. I think the character's name is Amel. Vader would be a good one too. Yeah, there's a lot of characters. And Obi War. Yeah, I was going to say the Star Wars, a lot of people are going to be like,

why didn't you draft these guys? So there's a million we missed. For sure. There's a meme going around with Yoda. And it's like, I never understood Yoda. and Yoda's passing until I became a parent and my kids don't stop asking me questions and you're just like, I'm tired.

He just roll over and I'm gone. Oh, yeah, that's good. All right, well, we gave you five rounds here and I'm sure there are a million that you have. So share them in the comments. Let us know over on Twitter. Speaking of, Zambyland is on my list. Shout out to Bill Murray in Zombyland.

Okay, there you go. What did we learn today? Don't put a camera in Jason's pantry. Yeah. Don't put. Yeah, I learned how sophisticated wagering is today. Yes, that is true. That's, that is, you can't have a wagering problem.

Yeah. And like, maybe. I'd wager. Yeah, see? Yeah. You sound like you're a baron. You know what I mean? Do you learn anything today, Jason?

Maybe pants in the pantry? I learned that there's no difference between having more money or paying less. No, there ain't. All right, that'll do it for the spitballers pod. Twitter.com slash spitballers pod. If you want to follow us, share your thoughts over there on all the ones we missed. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.