Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Password Problems & A Candy Store Battle Royale - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 6, 2025

Spit Hit for Nov 6th, 2025:On this episode, we lament annoying password problems, delve into the scary world of naked poopers, play another round of Liar Liar and then duke it out in a Candy Store Battle Royale. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. All right, we're just going back to the classic. I think he went back to his bag of tricks. Let's just make it a nice and easy, a little smooth jazz. Nobody does more poo-paz than you.

And the whisper boy. I am in need of a good poo-pat right now. This show might end up being shorter? Yeah, I'm going to have to run. Take a poo-pack. Now, I hope you know we don't have the time to, like, cut and let you go to the bathroom. So if you have to go, you got to go, like, and we'll keep doing the show. Okay, that's fine.

And then any audio that comes through, comes through, and then you're back. I wish we had, you know, wireless microphone so I could take you with a real experience, you know, a 3D environment. Welcome in, Spitballers, episode 279. Would you rather on the show today? Who cares about that? What's the real segment? Well, we're doing a draft, a candy store, battle royale. Who cares about awesome, my favorite battle royale drafts?

What's the real segment? We got Liar Liar on the show today, which I found out this morning is very stressful for Al to prepare. He cares too much about winning. Oh, it was stressful today? He doesn't want, I think it's always stressful. And I think it's because the more we do, the more stressful it gets. The content's drying up. What lies?

Lies are drying up. I don't think so. The outlandish truths. Oh, you only have a few of them. He's found all the surprising facts. You've lost twice, right? I think that's correct. So, I mean, at this point,

yeah. I mean, you're not holding on to anything, right? We will kick it off, though, with some would you rather. Would you rather? Trinity from Patreon says, would you rather always have to request a password reset every time you need to log into a website

or have to chat with an agent every time you buy something online? Wow. I've had a couple of websites in the password. I am in the password reset loop. It is the only way to log in is to reset the password each time because they like... Oh, I know why. They like expire it.

And not only do they expire it, but you can't... There's a couple rules here that are too far password people. Too far on your password rules. Number one, if you're telling me I can't reset my password to a previously used password, don't tell me my business don't tell me my business I know what my passwords are if I can't use a previously used password that means

I've got to reset it every time I come because I will never remember what my new password is yeah another stupid get out my business eight characters is enough if you tell me I got to be 10 characters wait a minute he just let a little secret go

he knows his main one is eight no it's just under 10 so that's that's a big problem problem. I could name one more. But if I name the next one, I feel like you'd just be guessing my password. He's going to say he doesn't want special characters. There's no way. There's no way that's not it. We'll see. We'll see. But here's a honestly, when they say use a special character. I hate it when they can't use your first and last name in order as password. Followed by your birthday. I want a poll of this room. Required special character.

Anybody not use an exclamation point? It's always an exclamation point. Yeah, of course you are. Yeah. Every single, we're six for six. All the deucers are not in there. It basically says put an exclamation point at the end of this password and then you can do it. Come on.

Just let us have our passwords. If we get hacked, it's our fault. It's 100% our fault. And it's not like when we were younger and growing up and Internet was new. and it was like a password was like people just didn't know how to make a password. That's when your password was password. Exactly. Back in the day, it's like your password was password.

And then people came out with all the people came out with a password exclamation point. Capital P. But it's like, you know, people came out with rules to help because people were using stupid passwords. But now it's like, we know what we need to do for just let me make my password and get out of the way. And then let's go a step further. Stop telling me that my password has been leaked. I don't want to know. I don't want to know.

If I click the button once and say, okay, I got it. I know I'm still continuing. Then just stop making that pop-up come up every page. Jason has a lot of password-related thoughts. I do. I do. Wow. Yeah.

I mean, have you ever done the password, like, life reset? Like, or like, maybe you've used one for like? Yep. Yes. For like 10 years. And you're like, you know what? From this point on, I'm going to this other one I'm going to use forever. I've got three. I've got three. I think I'm on my fourth now. Oh, congratulations. I'm on my third. It might be my third. Yeah, I'm on my third. And then it depends because it's like I've got like the low, medium high. You know what I mean? Yes. Where it's like, does this website, or the love? Does this website matter? Nah. You can you can log in. I'll just use my OG. That's my OG. Just use my crows.

happy one. I don't care. You can log it. You can't do anything here. And if you find this password, whatever, you're going to get into a bunch of stupid places that don't matter. Then I got my medium. Okay, that's like, you know, door dash. Don't get it. Well, that's special. Oh, no, that's your, that's the generated password. Yeah, don't, you know, that's like my fantasy football league or whatever. Oh, that's your medium? Yeah, that's my medium. And then you got the high, you got the like, okay, now we're serious. Yeah, exactly. This is where like, you don't leak it. Just let me be in charge of my passwords password people that i mean it's an interesting take you've got strong opinions you've lived a lot of years with passwords based on some of these conversations we're

having we share a lot of these same experiences and it's time to just grow up with passwords i i tend to agree i tend to agree if you're going to get me you're going to get me that's kind of my policy by the way do any of you have uh parents like my own who uh it's not there's no uh google sheet they saved the passwords in which is like that's your stage one yeah uh there's no password manager in the browser that's your stage two and then you don't use like a one password system they use the yellow legal pad that they've had for 15 years and i i'm telling you it doesn't matter if it is an account they never get into that you would need to go look it up or it's the most basic account you've ever heard like they're gmail they're going to the other room to get the yellow

notepad every single time. They don't save it in the browser at all? No, no, no, no, no, no, too advanced. Wow. It is like, I'm like, what's your Gmail? Like maybe I'm over there helping. What's your Gmail? I need to log you in. They both leave the room. They're both looking for the pad of paper that's got the no pad on it because. And then they come back and just say something like, oh, they'll come back with a notepad and it'll have four different passwords. Oh, because they've had a reset times for the same thing. but so you've trained your parents on like password managers or um i haven't trained my parents on password managers i just don't know their password habits i don't also their Wi-Fi password is the

one printed on the bottom of yes the router no matter what no matter whether it's hard to memorize or not that is the password you know you can change that right oh gosh no all right so i mean reset it every time or chat with an agent now am i chatting with a real agent or am i chatting with an I believe all real agents have been fired. I believe AI has taken their jobs and you are chatting with an AI bot. I'm going to say that this AI bot responds like a

live agent where you, where you So I'm not waiting to get this person. I'm not like 20 minutes or the 20 person in the queue. No, but you are waiting for every response where you respond immediately to their question they go answer about 10 other chats. Oh, so it is like a real person. Yeah. It's time

it might be AI. It doesn't matter. I'm doing that one. I'm doing that one. I'm doing that one. the more time you take between when you want to buy something and you actually buy a better decision you make. This is my filter. This is my filter on impulse buying. Now keep in mind,

this is every time you buy, this is just Amazon. Every time you check out of Amazon, you've got to pull up a chat box. Maybe I don't need those underwear. I don't know. I'll figure it out over the next 20 minutes of waiting to get confirmation from Susie the AI. But then when you decide that you do need underwear, you got to tell Susie about. Yeah, I do have to tell us.

But she's AI. It's going to be big bull. bulk buys. Oh, yeah. Everything's just going to be... Because you won't want to do it a bunch. Just put it in the cart. Put it in the cart and I'll be back.

I can't do the password reset, man. I can't do that every time. That reminds me of another question. Do you guys deal with... So do you have a shared Amazon account for your household? Yes, and I know where you're going, man. Does your... Does your spouse just fill the shopping cart and just to leave it there?

And like, we're going to think about this. Brothers. Separate accounts. So you have a separate account You bet your bottom dollar we do Now they're family connected Right But my cart is my cart

It is my precious cart I didn't know you could do that Yeah you're gonna need to get on that I'm gonna do that tonight I am so sick of not being like I'm a buy it now guy Okay so I'm on a pro You want to click the buy it now button

I don't need that extra step I'm not putting it in my cart But sometimes I know I'm going to get three things Yes And so it's like I don't want to get three boxes at my door, I want to just put

them all in a cart and check out. So I go add to cart, add to cart, add to cart. There's 32 things in my cart. What? So what do you do then? Well, then you have to go to web. You can't do this on the phone. Why? You guys both know the tricks? We have to. Because they're both saying it was sadness.

Because on web, you can like, deselect and select items in your cart. So now it's you can buy everything in the cart or deselect everything in the car. Are you shared cart or joined cart, Al. I'm with Jason and Mike on this one. It happens to you. Shared cart. Oh, yeah. Brothers, go to family management.

Family management. Get that thing set up. All right. Fix your life. Because you're in trouble. And I could also stop buying my wife's birthday presents with a company company Amazon account. Yeah, you should stop doing that too. I use my own card, but I do use an account. That's not what you just said. Yeah. Yeah. And the truth shall set you free. So very relatable, both of these situations, I'm going to do the filter on buying. I don't want a password reset every time.

I, oh man, both of these stink, but I don't want to talk to a chat bot every time I buy something. And this says only a password is the worst. Like, you have to click reset. Sometimes you get the email. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes it goes into the junk filter. Here's the thing.

Sometimes it takes 15 minutes. Yeah. The question says every time you need to log into a website. It doesn't say every time you use a website that has a login. So I don't, I feel like most. saved inside of the login? Most of my sites that I go to. I mean, I probably log into a site once a day, and that'll suck.

They have to go password reset. But I feel like right now I already do that once every other day. So this isn't going to be that big a burden. All right. Password reset. Mike, you on the. I'll do the chat. I'll just start making sure I click that Remember Me button.

You know what I mean? Jason from the website, would you rather solve a mystery or rewrite history? Well, it rhymes. it's duck tails man yeah it is you don't remember that from no is that really a yeah that's the lyric solve a mystery or rewrite history

duct tails woo I just didn't know the I only knew like the duct tails or the woohoo part I knew the duct tails or the woohoo I'll go with let's make it quick I'll go with rewrite history

really yeah I can I don't need to solve a mystery but if you rewrite history no one will actually know that you have rewritten history only you will know I'll know. I'll know. I'll know when the Phoenix Suns are eight-time NBA champions. I was just about to say, why would you want to rewrite history? I think I answered it just now. Dang. Dang. Cardinals are Super Bowl champs again. Yeah, I'm rewriting history, bro. I'm rewriting history, bro. I mean, and also bad stuff gets better.

I was going to say there's also bad stuff in the world's better. There's also been terrible things in the world that maybe you could have prevented. But the thing is, you don't know if it would work. You're not preventing it, right? If you rewrite history. Just happens to a different tower. No, but that doesn't mean bad things are going to happen. That doesn't mean you're changing it. Right.

Like, if you rewrite history and some bad, terrible thing in the past, you write that it didn't happen. That didn't change whether it happened. That's a bad thing. I don't think I want to rewrite history. I'm taking the, I'm taking the solid mystery. You could rewrite yourself out. Why would I want to write? No, I'm not saying you want to.

I'm saying what if you... Oh, I could write you out of history. What if you butterfly effect write yourself out of history? You go back and you change something and all of a sudden your great-grandparents never met. Oh, because everybody... Okay. Every action is an equal-outicit reaction. I'm just solving mysteries, man.

Thanks, man. Thanks for answering so quick. You're welcome. I'm solving the mystery, so I get some bread here. Yeah, I'm doing that one now. I changed. Sasha from Twitter, would you rather accidentally and unknowingly go live on IG while doom scrolling?

on the toilet, or while arguing with your wife. So wait, you're, okay, so you're accidentally going live on IG. You're scrolling on the, on the potty, or you're in an argument. So do you want the world to see you in your special place or in a marital fight? Is there, is there something that gets revealed about you if someone sees your algorithm? I don't think they get to see the screen. They just see your face. Oh, I'm just like taking it in.

You're just taking it. But it's obviously in about it. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm taking it in while I'm taking it out. Taking it in while you're taking it out. They can also hear everything. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. And for me, I'm probably shirtless. You know, if I're a shirtless pooper. I always take my shirt. Come on. Oh, no, dude. That's George Costanza stuff. This is my boys. Oh, like both of them? What? My boys, not just shirt. What? Oh, yeah. They go naked poops? They're just full nude poops.

What? Yes. I can't have these socks on. I'm pooping. It is outrageous. They can't go over a quick. He pluralized this, Andy. I know.

He said my boys, this is more than one. So the second one. This sounds like a parenting problem. It sounds like the second one that followed the first one that followed the father. Yeah. No, no, I'm a shirt on and everything. He wears his pants. It's like, I am sick of them getting naked.

Watch this. I'm butt flap only. So wait, what if they're. in a public uh public environment are there a pile of clothes down by the door if it if it's in public the older boy will do whatever is he has to do

to not use the bathroom because he wants to get naked to go poop because he will only use the public toilet in a dire emergency but in that emergency in the emergency I believe he'll just go off now the youngest shirt shirt's coming off it's coming over the door dad watch my shirts

oh yeah oh yeah what How was this? When did you? That can't be real, but I know it is. You got to correct this early, man. The first time you saw it, you needed to say, put your calls back on. He needs to be free.

I get that shirt. I throw it in the other toilet. I say, you take your shirt off. This is what you get. Next time, don't take your shirt off. Then you're carrying around a shirt that's been in a toilet. Oh, no, I'm not. I'm making him wear it.

He is. You get out, put your shirt on. Good luck. Yeah. Wow. I beg to you, you're a shirt off pooper. I'm not a shirt off pooper, but usually... It's not a flattering angle.

I wake, no, it's not, but I wake up. Oh, you're saying the phone? Yeah, the doomskroll angle. Oh, it's going to be exaggerated. It's already bad. My understanding is IG Live ads like 25 pounds, so don't... This isn't me. And theoretically, you'd have, like, maybe, maybe if it's a bad day, a little bit of straining.

yeah yeah and maybe you don't even know you're live and they're gonna well you don't they're gonna have okay unknowingly unknowingly unknowingly but yeah i'm just saying purposely well i'm saying on the phone you don't you don't notice that i was saying if you accidentally went live dubby is in the chat but then once you're live you realize like oh that's live on the booper but that's a funny iG channel in general would be just somebody that does the dooms scrolling on the toilet, that angle, but always claims they're doing something else. It's like, hey, it's just me again. I'm just hanging out on the couch.

I'm just sitting down on the couch. Oh, man. Just sat down for a meal. Yeah. Just another day. Just chilling in the backyard. I'm just at the office getting some work done. Like and subscribe.

Yeah. To answer the original question, I meant that I was shirtless because usually when I wake up, I go straight to the toilet. Okay. I try to. So you sleep. one out yeah yeah of course you're not a shirt in the sleeper i i've i was for years and years and years and i changed the the nips got sensitive what is this what is today what is wrong with

today's show this is the last one um no i just realized that like some temperature regulation stuff was better with the shirt on hmm do you know what i mean like i can every once in the while in the like in the winter yeah maybe i do a shirt and it's like uh i don't know I don't know so when you get up and you let go have your coffee is your shirt still off no is your shirt off all morning no so it was the first thing I do is I pick up the clothes that I have thrown from the bed onto the floor because I'm not going to put them away what's that all about you're getting into bed yeah so I just that's my morning clothes morning clothes morning clothes are yesterday's clothes oh really yeah and then they go in the hamper once you shower that is correct interesting I'm curious I want to know these these morning routines I have uh I have I have I have sleeping shirt and sleeping pants or shorts. Really? So you, when you go to bed, you get into the same ones every day. Yeah, they're like pajamas, but, I mean, it's just shorts and a shirt. Okay.

Real cozy shorts, though. Like, they actually are more comfortable. Wait, so you sleep in shorts? Yeah. Oh, wow. I used to sleep in just my underwear. Yeah. But I change.

It's a pajama material. It's not like basketball shorts or sweatshorts. No, it's like, fuzzy and warm. It's like a real, just cozy, cottony pair of shorts. shorts. Okay. Like, you could play basketball on him if you wanted to. In a pinch?

In a pinch. But that was actually part of the thing I liked was that then I wake up and I don't have to do nothing. I can just walk out of the room. Someone comes knocking on the door or a kid need something in the middle of the night. Like the middle of the night kid situation. I got to go run out of there or I have to go find clothes. It's not the most flattering trying to solve an emergency.

My morning is solved by a robe. So I'm sleeping. You go, the softest row. Oh, I go, the softest row. I have no doubt. It's luxury, brother. John Hammond. But it's no expense on this rope.

Yeah, go to the bathroom and then grab the rope. I usually turn my shower on, go wake the kids up, come back to a more steamy room. You're a quick shower. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, I do my whole coffee routine and everything before I ever shower. Yeah, I'm that way too. Shower's the last thing I do before I come to work. Yeah.

Oh, showers. Shower is what wakes me up, gets me going. Okay. All right. And when you said quick shower, I'm quick to the shower. Yeah, now the shower itself. Correct.

Yeah, we already know about that. He doesn't want people to think that. Right. He's not just spending a year's worth of salary on his water bill. I don't want to be IGing an argument with my wife. No, that has to be there. There's no chance. I'd rather you watch me poop.

Just so everybody knows, I've never argued with my wife. No, me either, but theoretically. Mike? Ever? Never once? You've been married. How long? Almost 18.

She's argued with me. So collectively, we've got like 60 years. Zero arguments. Yeah, that's how you do it. And unless we accidentally go on on IG, you will always believe that. All right, Al, do we need to move on or do you want on more? Let's move on. All right.

We'll do that after this quick break. All right, we are jumping into another fabulous game. of liar, liar, Al Borland, who has, we hope, lost the step when it comes to preparing these. Hopefully the stress is real. Let's, uh, oh, I didn't hit the drop, did I? Not yet.

Now I am. Lyer, liar, pants on fire. Now we're in liar, liar. Yeah. All right, three rounds, two truths and a lie. We'll see if we can defend. defeat the ever evil deceptive Al Borman. All right, round one.

The Dixon. Okay, what are you? How do you tell? Chakonda Roga? Did you read the last one? I read the last one. I read the third one. Oh, my gosh.

I'll get there. Chondaroga. All right. The Dixon Ticconda Roga Company once released a line of left-handed pencils, despite being identical to the normal pencils. This new product increased sales by 18%. Marketing is everything. That does make sense.

In the 1840s, here's the second one. In the 1840s, it was considered childish to smile for pictures. So photographers would encourage subjects to say prunes, like we now say cheese, in order to keep their mouths shut or taught. And the opposite. Prunes. But how does it? That's the lie.

And the third one says the opposite of warmth is cool. Oh, that's the lie. Come on, man. The opposite of warmth is cool. That's redonculus. The opposite of warmth is cool. I mean, don't you like putting on a jacket with some nice coolf? That's the stupidest thing I've ever when I've read that cool, which.

But I, look, I'm going to say this because I feel like this is fair game. We are playing a game. Yeah. We're looking for any angle. Prunes. Prunes. But I don't currently have a red squiggly line under the word cool. Wow.

No, I don't either. And I would expect to have a red squiggly line under the word cool if it was spelled wrong. But it does have a yellow line for me. Oh, you got a yellow line with grammarly. You got that grammarly plus over there. So it's telling us. Someone's paying for the sub. You've been outed.

I don't think I'm paying for a great. Oh, yes, you are. I don't think I have a grammarly sub. I don't have a yellow line. I don't either. By the way, if you don't have one, that just means you're dumber because you, that means you don't know your grammar problems. Wait, but you don't know it. Yeah, you're the one paying people to tell you, nerd.

All right. When I'm mouse over cool, it says it's a premium suggestion and I don't have access. Oh, I'm right. Okay. Okay. All right. I don't have access to see more in grammarly. Okay.

All right. so here's I have to do the I'm doing the prunes one I'm going with my instincts I think that's a lie I'm going with the prunes one as well because in the 1840s

why did you just hit your head on the microphone Jason just put his own head on the microphone did it startle you because I just drop my I dropped my head down and my hat bill

smacked into the microphone and I guess I forgot I was wearing a hat so my my reasoning is back then the cameras took a while right yeah like was did we have i don't know if we had the the quick we did the the quick exposures nah not man no i'm with you you exactly my logic all right i'm going with that one i don't the reason they didn't smile is because they had to just sit there for a long time right for the exposure i'm going with the prunes consider charles the smile for pictures so photographers would encourage them to say prunes

prunes no that doesn't help nothing man what is the whole point of, I thought. You would just say shut up. Yeah, like, don't say anything. Just close your mouth. Like in the 1840s, prunes could have been funny. Prunes is funny now. Yeah, but it's a matter of what, what is the shape of your mouth? Like, when you say cheese, it kind of puts you in a smile. Cheese. Cheese. That is why. That is why. Yeah. Say cheese. I mean, I'm not saying I can't say without smiling. My cheeks don't go up when I, cheese. Cheese. No, you have to say cheese the way everybody say cheese.

cheese oh my you have to smile when you say it right but that's just I'm saying that the word has nothing to do you're like cheese I was just all right all right I'm this so this game I apologize if this isn't the lie because Denowl wins on round one but I believe it the same too

I think it's the prunes so all three of us are going chickens counting eggs in a basket what is the lie? The lie was Dixon Taekondoroa pencils. Okay, that's fine. At least it wasn't the cool. Yeah. How upset were you when I noticed the squiggly line under the...

I was confused because both Josh and I do have a line under it. Oh, wow. I didn't want to point that out and lead anything, but it is, it is the word. If I had a red line under there, I would have gone, well, that's... Mine is a blue, a blue squiggly line. I don't know what that means. That's what Josh is. So did you make up Dixon Taekondroga?

No, that's a real pencil company. Yeah, Tychondroga is the yellow pencils. Yeah. Really? Your number two pencils, yeah. Well, all right. Well, we're playing against each other now. This isn't like a lie where, like, the new product line increased sales by 13%, right?

No, there was no left-handed. It's not Dixon, Tychondroga. I had a Dixon. It's just Tychondroga. All right, this is stupid. Round two. Before anyone had heard of him, Bill and I quit his job as an engineer at Boeing to be a stand-up comic after winning a Steve Martin look-a-like contest in 1978. Okay. I think that's true.

That feels true. I think he was. He did try stand-up, I think. I know he did stand-up, and he seems like someone that would try to look like Steve Martin. And Steve Martin and him kind of, I mean, young Steve Martin looked more like him. All right. A Swedish man received disability benefits for his addiction to heavy metal music. I mean, he couldn't function without attending at least 300 concerts a year,

and because of this, couldn't possibly hold down a job. Oh, please be true. I think that might be true, too. His addiction to heavy metal music, he received disability funds for that so that he could go to enough. That sounds like Sweden. Heavy metal for your health. Third one, every time there is a crew change on the International Space Station,

they participate in the Space Olympics where the astronauts compete in zero gravity. any games including synchronized space swimming. Going, I'm going lie. Yeah, that's the clear lie. They're not doing synchronized space swimming. Tell us the truth now. You guys got that. Yeah, all right.

All right. Daggummit. Why'd we screw the first one up? I feel like game theory, I should have gone for the other one. Yeah, all right. Round three. So we're all tied. We can still, you know.

You can game theory here, Jay. All right. Round three. A town in Italy has a festival where they throw oranges at each other. reenacting a historical battle with citrus fruit instead of weapons. Oh, I hope that's true. Fact number two, the first concept of the modern day treadmill was created as a torture and interrogation device. Subjects would have their hands bound to the machine while the interrogator in control was in control of the drive belt.

So I would make them... Have to run? Yeah, but like if you run too fast, you fall down and... Not if your hands are taught. I know, I know, I was thinking that, yeah. And the third one, there's a unique species of ants. found in only New York City called the manhatt ant. Oh, baby.

The Manhattan? Oh, that is, that's too stupid to be the made-up lie. Like, it's so stupid. I don't know, man. I don't think Al would be confident enough in writing. But he might be thinking we got the first two ones right. So we'd think that about the third one, I'm going treadmill lie. The treadmill, I, the one with the Italy and throwing oranges.

Where's the place that does the tomatoes? Have you seen that? I believe that that's Spain? No, I'm thinking of the comedy show with the little bear. What? Wanka, Waka. Oh, a Fazi bear? No, there's an act.

There is a town. Boom, baby. There's a town that does this. I don't know if they're not reenacting. But they throw tomatoes. But the whole town square gets in a jump. giant tomato fire. So you're thinking he might have taken that and put oranges in there. I think that's

a possibility. Or use that as let me just make something. Right, the basis. Another country. Here's my issue with that first one is they're reenacting a historical battle with citrus fruit instead of weapons. But it's like, what time frame is this? Because prunes. Like, is this swords?

Like, or is this guns? They're just saying that it's... I don't think citrus can replace either one of those weapons. I think it's that they are celebrating a historical battle, but instead of using prop weapons, they're throwing oranges at each other. Honestly, that would hurt real bad. Extremely dangerous. Yeah, that would hurt a lot. I'm going to take the oranges as the lie. I'm taking the treadmills a lie. So now

one of us is definitely going to, well, I guess we've got to wait to see. Andy and I can't both win. I'm going with the oranges. Okay, so because of the tomatoes. So either you two won, I won, or we're all lose. Well, we've already lost. But who Who is the true loser? Mike and Jason are the true losers. Andy got that one correct. Oh, man.

It feels bad. Well, I mean, we didn't beat Al, but I beat you guys. There's a town that does the oranges, and then there's a town that does the tomatoes. I'm not familiar with the tomatoes. I'd rather be a part of the tomato town. The orange fight lasts three days. Wow. Until everyone dies.

I mean, you get hit by an orange. That's like a problem. The tomatoes is a problem. The tomatoes is. in Spain. What is going on over there? It says the orange fights are between people pretending to be the Duke's men and people pretending to be Violetta's helpers.

What are they? You ever been hitting a face with an orange? God don't imagine that's terrible. Yeah. I'd do it for three days, Mike. At three days of orange, Pelton. At least a tomato explodes. So it saves you.

I'd rather be hitting the face with a thousand tomatoes versus one orange. I don't think. I would take the one orange. But if you were like three tomatoes, maybe, but a thousand might be a little bit too many. Tomatoes are what they do in the like fairs. I'd rather be shot by tomatoes from a gatling gun. Tomato, when they, when you're, when the person's in the, in the, uh, stocks. Is that right?

Yeah. Back like the medieval times. If you're at a rent fair, someone's in there and they're insulting you. Yeah, and you throw tomatoes. Yeah. You throw everything. Lettuce. Yeah.

Well, who, lettuce? Come on. Who's going to throw lettuce? Congratulations, Al. You did it again. All right, let's take a break, hit the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we have a new home for a battle royale.

We are in the candy shop. And Jason has the first pick. We are, of course, fighting to the death. We have anything we can find. It's the only way to fight. inside the candy shop. Jason, first pick. Hmm. You lucky? Lucky? Yeah. I don't think there's a clear 101 here. I'm lying. Okay. Yeah. I was like, I don't. There's one I want.

There's one that I want. There's two that I really want. And there's no chance that the one I'm going to take right now would ever come back to me because it's clear. It's, it's, I think it is. a great weapon. I think, I will say, I think there is a 101. But the other one I think maybe could come back to me. So I'm going to go with jawbreakers.

Yes, that is the 101. I mean, it's a bludgeoning rock. Just because of how hard they are. Yeah, it's a projectile. It's a projectile or a bludgeon.

Like, you know, you just holding it in your hands. If I'm holding that and I'm just swinging on someone's skull. You're not thinking of the, you're thinking of one of those giant jawbreak. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, size of my fist. But you're only.

took a regular jawbreaker. No, it took the brand. That's not the... A regular jawbreaker, you can just put in your mouth. Oh, when I think of a... You're thinking of one that's like on a stick? When I think of a standard jawbreaker, I think of one that is gigantic. Yeah, yeah, me too.

And it takes you forever to even get... Giant jawbreaker. Like, no one ever... No, no, I'm not... I'm just kidding. So you're going jawbreaker because you can throw it. You can hit with it. I can throw them. I can hit with them. They are the hardest thing known to man.

There's a reason they're called Jawbreaker. I'm going to break a jaw with it. No, I understand. I understand the name. All right. So you've got it. Jawbreakers as you begin your attempt to defeat the both of us in this candy store. To me, look, if you eat the candy you draft, you take away a weapon that you got.

Right? Right. And you're in a candy store and you want, I mean, Who wouldn't want to eat some candy? Yeah, I do. I am going to draft the candy king. It was the first thing I wrote down. Because I get, I have to eat a little bit of it.

Yeah. As I sharpen that candy cane down into a shank. Oh, absolutely brutal. Yes. Oh, man. A brutal holiday shank. You can get those things so sharp. You really can.

You can pierce your tongue at home with just like once you're halfway through this candy cane just give yourself tongue ring easy peasy now i mean there there is a bit of a delay i mean if you come running at me i can't be like hold on a second i need to sharpen this thing i got to get this thing going you it's true but you will have fresh breath i will have fresh breath the holiday spirit and a really really sharp shank so i'm going candy cane all right i will say in preparation for this i wanted to know like you know here we are trying to do murder right yeah trying to do do murder. And, you know, there's no, there's trying, kids don't do murder. I'm trying to stand my ground, but. Okay. I can't wait to see your, your picks. Uh, but I'm saying, I'm,

I'm, I'm defending myself. You're murdering. Okay. Uh-huh. But I was like, what is, you know, what's more often used, you know, take firearms out. I thought like a bludgeon would be number one, but it's actually blades. So, yeah, the shank is going to do it. The shank might be good. That, that's going to get some blood out. And if I use it right. You might taste it too. You're going like through the throat. Okay, all right. Yeah.

I thought I was getting a treat. All right, Mike. You got two picks in a row. I was searching for a particular candy. Hmm. And then I came across this one. And I thought this is delightful because like sour feels like it can be weaponized. one of your terms

just talking about candy there is a warhead sour spray oh so I am you are getting maced with sour I love it I had sour candy spray because they do make those

it's like a bonaca for sour freaks I was looking for bonaca yeah no that's a that's a fair pick and then I got down a rabbit hole I'm like what happened to bonaca no and that's that's sticky in your eyes too when we were kids

Or like teenagers. Bonaca was all the rage. It was super cool. And if you're too young to know what Bonacca is, it was essentially a spritz mouth freshener. It was an aerosol, and there's no doubt that they were using whatever ozone melting aerosol

chemicals they had in that thing probably. And it was so strong and so minty. But it was cool because of the actual fact you sprayed it. Yes. It was real hip and trendy at school. So I'm going with the water. I like the sour spray. that's nice that wasn't not on my list and then for the next one uh i mean projectiles is possible

i feel like if i if i in a pinch maybe i can make some kind of sticky trap but i'm just could take some gumballs good old good old fashion gum balls yeah that was that was actually second on my list you can you can chuck them at people yeah and then they'll trip on them i say you do the home alone it's a little marbles put them all over the ground yeah they kind of are re-use type of object. You can either trap with sticky, slip with keeping them just marbles or projectile. Well, then that makes my next choice a little easier in terms of my top picks.

Mike, you have the sour spray and the gumballs. I've got the candy cane shank. But I'm going to go with what I think will be a bludgeoning object. And if necessary, a shield, which is I'm going to go gigantic lollipop. Yep, okay. Gigantic lollipop. I was hoping that it could make it back. And I'm going to be honest, there's a chance that when I bludgeon you with it,

it doesn't hurt that much because I've already started to eat it. Yeah. So it might be smaller. Well, no, actually, I've never had one in my life. But I've never had a giant lollip because they seem, they seem unwieldy. Like, what do you get? You never try one from Disneyland. You got to put them away.

I mean, like when you're done. No, it's it, once that thing's open, you got to. You can't go the whole way. That's like a multi-day project. You usually keep the wrapper and you put the wrapper. Oh, really? Yeah. You can't, you can't house one of those.

It is also a one-time bludgeoning tool. Because if you hit someone properly with it, that thing's going to shatter. Yeah. It's not like a jawbreaker. It's a one-time. So I'll use it as a shield first. I'll use it from, you know, if you tossing gunballs at me or jawbreakers. But then I'm going to hit you with it.

You hit him with the lolly. I hit him with the lolly. I'm a good boy. Yeah, that's right. All right. I was that, so that was my. second to one lollies the the giant lollipop was the second of the two picks that i was going to make here so i know the one the one that i wanted early and i figured might come back to me

that one's still there it's the giant gummy worm okay you know the big yeah yeah the worm disgusting awful albatross of something that they sell to eat i mean how could someone i've i've unfortunately had my children receive one of these before and watched them take full mouth fights like a sack of potatoes you're hitting people with oh yeah that's got some weight a big old heavy noodle um so yeah wielded wheeled that's a great that's a great pick um what it is so the giant gummy worm is uh is going to be very good i usually like to get some kind of a whip or yeah some kind of long yep like swinging all right so now i've got two more that I really like.

But you only got one more pick. And I'm just trying to decide which one could come back to me. And when I look... So many funny options. All right. I'm going to take... I'm going to take the candy necklace. Why is that?

What? For fashion? You want to murder and look good? Okay. Do you realize how easy it would be for me to choke someone with a candy necklace? No, I don't. Yes. I'm going to.

throw this thing over your throat it's going to snap no it's not going to snap that the insides are strong no it's elastic i will absolutely that thing will choke you out that thing will give it'll give me a nice little indent i'll feel uncomfortable for a moment and then they'll just be candy everywhere oh i will have already eaten candy those are delicious okay so this will just be a i'm just getting some string to choke you all right all right look i'm not going to argue too much with the like Like, hey, does it last, does it not? Okay. The concept, I understand it.

And it's also because of my next pick. No, no. I'm going with sweet tart ropes. Oh, because I'm making a little noose or a little lasso, but I'm using them ropes. I'm stringing them together. And I'm going to use, it's a whip, it's a lasso, it's a noose, whatever you want. I'm using some ropes. Okay.

I did have licorice ropes on my list. Yeah, man. On my list. My elastic is way stronger than your candy. I don't know I don't know What do you mean you don't know? I don't know

This is not up for debate It's up for debate Remains to be seen We'll take your opinion One of these is easily You just You just take a soft little bite And it comes off

The other one is made to be pulled And tugged and chewed through other candy And still withstand it One of them is food You gotta believe me the non-food is stronger i promise we'll never know all right mike it's up to you to round out your picks okay so let's see i'm trying man you guys depleted my list a lot uh okay i will start with okay i'm going to need a lot of it i'll just say but i feel like i could set up at least

not so much a shield, but I could hide behind it. Okay. A wall of cotton candy. A wall. It's the strongest thing known to man. It's someone stronger than you're elastic. I'm not saying you can't go right through it. I'm just saying you can't see me.

I did write cotton candy. I'm hiding. I wrote down a cotton candy trap. It would be sticky and messy and disorienting. And I could hide from my opponent. Thank you. So I did agree. It's like I'm hiding behind a cloud.

You don't know where to aim. I just put a cup of water on it. Oh, that's gone. Yeah, but by that time, I'll be gone. You won't know. Technically, if there's enough cotton candy, you won't know how to hit him in the face or something. How much cotton candy are you getting?

A wall. I specified a wall. But the candy stores just so you know, they don't sell walls of cotton candy. You're going to have to build this. That's fine. I'm, I can handle the engineering.

All right. All right. I can put it together. All right. Yeah, man. So what a warhead? Sour spray gumballs, cotton candy. Oh, man.

This is falling apart. All right. Jaw breakers, giant gummy worm, candy necklace for Jason. I have candy cane, shank, a giant lollipop, and sweet tart ropes. Mike has a warhead sour spray gumballs and cotton candy. Right? Yep, who's on the clock? Mike's on the clock, make a pig, man?

I didn't think you guys would, like, deplete my list. You're out already? I have one left, but it's doing the same thing as the sour spray, but whatever. Fine. I need some times when you're in a fight, you need some pocket sand, so I'm going to take some fun dip. Okay, all right. I've got one like that but better. You got pocket sand?

Pocket sand is good. You're not king of the hill? Well, yes. Pocket sand. Although, I think of blood. sport. Okay. Yeah, yeah. It's the same idea. Yeah. But all of my stuff is just spraying you in the eyes. All right. I'm my final pick guys. Look, it may come down to going bare knuckle fighting. Oh, no. We've eaten all the candy. No, no, no. Wait, what? I'm lining up a bunch of ring pops and I'm using

them as brass knuckles. That's great. Yeah. I was between the, that's a good pick. The candy necklace and the ring pops. I thought the rain pops would come back to me. You played a dangerous game. Yes. Dangerous game and lost. All right. How many picks do I have left?

Just one. Thank goodness. Is this the grand finale? It is. Get us out of here. All right. Let me see here. Of the things.

You all right? Yeah, the things that I have left. There's only two I'm debating between. I think I want to go similar to yours, Mike. I'm going for the eyes. except you've got pocket sand I've got bags of sand

I'm going with the giant pixie stick I can use this thing as a little you know bludgeoning tool like just slap you with it with a little pixie stick no I said a giant pixie stick oh giant how big are those they're like three feet

you know more about candy stores than we do yeah well I haven't been there in hours I'm aware of it but I also don't forget I get the little the little candy stick. You're going to mash it into my face. I don't know.

You're going to eat that. You know it. That's the best part of the fund up always was eating that candy stick. Yeah. How big would you say this? I would say it's three feet a yard. Yay big? I would say it's about yay big.

Okay. And it's full of pocket sand. All right. So you're saying you whip somebody with it, it breaks open, then you've got. That's right. Then I blow it in your face. All right. I don't know how this draft went, guys.

I really don't either. What were the end teams? Jason has got a bludgeoning jawbreaker, a giant gummy worm, a candy necklace he's going to use to choke you with, and a giant pickety stick. I've got a candy cane shank, a gigantic lollipop shield slash bludgeon, a sweet tart rope for a noose or a whip, or a lasso. And ring pop brass knuckles. I guess they're just ring pop knuckles There's no brass Mike's got a sour spray

To spray you in the eye with Gumball A bunch of gumballs Miscellaneous Cotton candy to hide behind Or eat And fund it pocket sand And there

So Mike obviously did not have any Leftovers from his list Do you have anything No I'm out great I had Let me see here I did throw I put chucking jawbreak

because I thought they were small. They have smaller ones. Laffy-taffy handcuffs. No? No. I thought slapping people with Skittles bags might hurt. Just bags of skittles. I thought about a Kit Kat and it's more of like a trick you.

I'm like, hey, do you want half of this? And then when you get close, like shank you? So it's a lure. It's a lure. It's like I'm offering you friendship because you want to half of my kick cat. If you're going lure, go reason. cups. I'd much rather have a Reese's cup than a kick cat.

Yeah, but then you can't say give me a break. My last option was candy cigarettes to give you lung cancer. Oh, there, yeah. Oh, yeah. I had an apron, you know, from like the workers that are making all the fudge and stuff. Oh, I'll take the cash then. I didn't know that this was an option. Just to protect from all the blood.

Cash register. I'm going to be causing for me. I'll take the mop that I know they have for cleaning. Yeah. And I had the espresso. chocolate, like the chocolate covered espresso beans? With the power up? Yeah. I'm going to eat like

20 of them. And then the lights come up and you're all going to, you better kill me quick. All right. All right. Mike, you were out. Yeah, I was out. We're all. That was out. We're all. That was out four picks ago. What did we learn today?

I learned that Mike's kids are naked poopers. Oh, man. Just the boys. Just the boys. Thank you. I learned that Jason's the most experienced with the varieties at a at a candy sore that's right and that cool is a word apparently yeah I'm not sure they're not this might be just all lies say

liar liar prunes say prunes that's I guess the thing's that sucks cool is a pleasantly low temperature that's for cool that's pretty coolth man all right that's it's a little coolth in here it's a little pleasant

I want to thank all of you for choosing to spend some time with us today and we will be back, I think. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.