Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Pirate Myths & Things That Are Fragile - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 25, 2025

Spit Hit for Sept 25th, 2025:On today’s show, we talk about having your in-laws move in with your family, turning things into cake, and painfully awkward acting. Then, Andy, Mike, and Jason each share a wild but real news article. Lastly, we carefully wrap up the show with a draft of things that are fragile. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Who did it a boop, boop. Dill-a-ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, baby. Wow.

The energy. The commitment. Yeah. I'm not going to lie. Tempo fluctuations. So wasn't good. But I loved it. It was fantastic.

I loved it. It was great. Thank you, Andy, for bringing that heat. I feel like the enthusiasm was there to mask the just the great unknown. I had no idea what was coming. But, well, what better way to welcome you into episode 268 than that fantastic scat? Welcome to the spitballers. Andy Mike and Jason back with you. Would you rather, is this real life? And we are drafting, as we always do. Today, we are drafting things that are fragile. Fragile. Which way do you pronounce it? Are you a fragile or fragile?

It's something's fragile. I'm an American. Yeah. So it's fragile. Yeah. Is that the American way to say it? Yeah. Yeah.

Fragile rock. So nothing. Yeah. That's fraggle. But close it up. Yeah. Tomato tomato. I was thinking maybe there were tears.

Like some things are just fragile and some things are fragile. Oh. Okay. Maybe if it's imported. Oh. You know. All right. Yeah.

Makes sense. Add Spitballers pot over on Twitter. If you want to follow us there, welcome in to yet another episode Let's get it going Would You Rather Surge from Patreon says Which pirate attribute

Would you rather have For the rest of your life A hook hand A peg leg Oh Mike What? You let me down Oh you want to one for everyone

Yeah of course Or an iPad Thank you a hook hand, a peg leg, an eye patch. So these are all negatives of a vast. Well, that, I mean, if you want to look at them that way. Were there normal pirates that had all of their, like, like they had their eyes and they had their legs and they had their hands?

Why are pirates all without objects, parts of their body? I have heard, now this could be just an old, you know, wives tale, but I have heard that the eye patch was actually a device. because they, so they would cover one eye because they're up in the deck in the sun and then when you went below deck it was so dark maybe because you're on an old pirate ship.

Not a lot of lit candles down there. That you're, yeah, like your eye adjusting, then they would just, then they would move the eye past the other eyes because then you're, your eye would be ready for the dark. As you say that, I know I've heard that before, which is the scientific methodology of knowing it's a fact.

Right. Because I'm now, it's now confirmed that that is. We have tested the hypothesis. Historically correct. So what you're telling me here is most people's assumption of, oh, they've lost an eye. Right. It's not true. Or, man, he got a nasty, wicked gash on his eye.

He doesn't want to show that. Not true. No, you're gearing up for a haunted house. It's probably a beautiful eye under that patch. And I could switch it to the other one. It's probably the same as the other one. They opted in to no depth perception. I don't know.

I'm just telling you what I've heard. No, I mean, you would, you're sacrificing depth perception for slightly improved below deck, but below deck. Are they going below deck and above deck that often? I believe so. Well, maybe what you do is you, you just got the eye patch flipped up most of the time. And then like, you're like, oh, I'm going to. Exactly.

Like, oh, I got to go down soon. Blup, bloop. And then you just let the- I like that you checked your watch, like a pirate, it's checking their watch. I checked my watch? Yeah, you did. No, I was doing the, you're doing the, you. Oh, you were lifting the eye.

I was lifting my eye. Well, it's about time for me to head below deck. Now you're going to tell me that they, you know, they have real hands that are just holding on to hooks now underneath that. Yes, but they've got a long sleeve that covers the hands so you don't know. I was under the impression people where pirates are plucking out each other's eyes for generations. Well, there's no, I mean, other than the pirate. Or the parrot that's sitting on their shoulder plucks out the eye that the parrot, the side of the parrots.

If you don't give them the crackers? Yeah. Owl, is there, can you check the hysterosity of this eyepatch? That's not a word. I'm looking into it. Yeah, that's, like a monstrosity. I've heard that word. I've heard that word.

So it's just real word. Thank you. I mean, look, the hook hand is an active weapon. So there is a potential positive to the hook hand. For, for melee. Yes. But I'm like. The only kind of fighting they really did other than.

Other than the guns? No, other than the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, the, the, shooting the boats and the canons the canons the canons weren't portable they had they had pistols no yes no they said swords have you ever seen a pirate movie they always have the one shot pistol yeah they got a they got a one i mean you get one good okay that was a complete lie apparently the i patch thing is a good oh no it's a good story oh no myth busters did do an experiment and it does seem plausible that that would help help but there's got to be at least one pirate that did That pirates actually even wore eye patches.

I was going to say they're... I don't think they did any of these hands. Most pirates had all of their hands, all of their eyes, and all of their legs. And there were just a couple famous ones that didn't. They just had scurby. Says the myths largely come from the novel Treasure Island by Robert Lewis Stevens. Yeah, it's a Treasure Island and Peter Pan have shaped the way that we think about pirates. They're actually all really nice people.

I am keeping. Like they got a bad rap. Very much not true. They were the parrata. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure real pirates. are very bad. Parades.

The eye patch, I'm not losing my depth perception. The peg leg, I'm not losing my ability to run. I'm taking the hook hand because, yes, I don't have a hand, but I can also use it. Yeah, you can hang from stuff so much easier. You know what I mean? No, there's no way. Well, it's attached. How?

Dude. Grafted to the bone, my man. I mean, this is fully installed hook. I mean, it's just a strap. No, no, not mine. Mine is. That amantiumed in. And you know what I'm doing on the boat?

I'm coming from that top little look tower. And I'm sliding down the rope. A zipline with my hook. He has fallen 60 feet and the hook is staying up top. Either that or the hook is very sharp and just cuts the rope. Oh, I didn't take this through. I just don't understand why they didn't do something other than a hook. I mean, if you can do a hook, you can do anything.

Right? You could have strapped on a sword full time. Well, that's not great for sleeping. Yeah, there would be some issues. Yeah, try to hang from that. Can't happen. Also, how are you walking around on a, on a boat where, I mean, you're in the middle of the ocean. I imagine that the deck is frequently being swabbed, is getting some waves hitting it and stuff.

If you have a peg leg, how are you not just sliding everywhere? How can you possibly walk? I would think you're just falling. You know what I mean? If you're sliding, it's because you're on your back, just sliding back and forth after you've fallen. You can't do the peg leg. That's the worst of the three. I think that's universal, much less you can do with that.

I would rank them eye patches the best because I can just flip it up. I think for the point of the question, you have to wear it. You don't have an eye underneath, so flip it up all you want, but you don't have an eye. I will allow you to remove it when you sleep. Thank you. And the hook? No. Ooh, that's a problem for my pillows. I'm going to take.

But you said it was grafted to the bone, Jay. You can't have it all. I'm going to take the eye patch. I want my hands and feet. Okay. Mark from the UK, would you rather have to face time with your in-laws for 30 minutes per day? Good. Or have them live with you for one month out of every single year.

What do you think, Mike? Well, as someone who has someone who has. I've cordially opened my domicile to my in-laws for quite some time. FaceTime? There are some challenges. They're great people, but there are just, there are challenges when you add that type of dynamic into your household. So which one are you going with? It's over after a month.

30 minutes a day. Not in your life. Yeah, wait, I can, I can make it some. No, no, I'm saying this hypothetical. question right you've got to be on you know a zoom for 30 minutes every single day that's a lot of time that is a lot of time to give up for anything i are my in-laws used to live out of state and they would come into town and stay with us once a year normally it wasn't a month it was normally like a week it wasn't so bad a week a month's a while would you a month every year is a while

but 30 minutes is there anyone and i'm like i'll include my spouse anyone you want to face time for 30 minutes a day? No. No. I love my family. I don't want to FaceTime it for 30 minutes a day. Well, you don't need to, though. I mean, you see your family for more than 30 minutes a day.

That's fair. So maybe FaceTiming them is even better because that means you're like, you're on vacation. I mean, why would you FaceTime someone you live with? Well, okay, what just changes to be like your dad? FaceTime your dad. 30 minutes every day? Yeah, that's a lot of time. I don't see my dad every day.

That's too much time. a sitcom peripherally. You've got the zoom. Behind the phone. And right in front of the TV. Because I'm sure my reactions to that sitcom would be perfectly matched to what my father wanted me to laugh in that moment. He's definitely growing out his hair to cover the AirPod.

You know what I mean? Like he's going to have one in, be laughing at all sorts of Seinfeld jokes. My dad will never be as funny as he is on those calls. He will be like, I am. Josh did the math. 182 hours a year and there's 730 hours in a month but the 182 here that's all active hours the 730 in a month half of that is sleeping so you're definitely cutting down your in-law time in at least half and then half of that time you're not hanging out with them so you're you're significantly

they're staying for a month I'm taking the month it's definitely the month and it's a good point like the the face time anyone for 30 minutes a day is just I don't want to take 30 minutes to do anything. Either of you guys ever have a long-distance relationship with a girl before you were married? You ever have to do that? Nope, not a long one.

I did one summer. I did a summer. Okay. And that didn't go out. I had two different long-term relationships. This guy. One of them turned out okay. One of them I married.

The other one did not work out. But both got to the point where the obligatory daily call because there was no end to it, right? It was like you felt like you had to have a long call every day. I have nothing else to say. To maintain the relationship. And I'd be like, I don't like this every day. Like, well, I ate lunch.

I won't go play video games. And I went to work. Oh, that's cool. Like yesterday? Yeah. Oh, all right. Anything big happened? No.

Nope. Nope. Drew from the website, would you rather be able to turn any object into cake? Or be able to turn any liquid into your favorite soda. The cake looks like the object. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just making it.

Yeah, for sure. Oh, it's the cake. It's got to be the cake. It's got to be the cake. You could do hilarious things. Hilarious things by turning anything into cake. Oh, yeah. Go get in your car.

Yeah. Psych. That's a cake. Good one. They just grab the door handle and squeeze and. I got to use the bathroom. Oh, yeah. Let me know how it goes.

The toilet turns into cake Anything you want Anything you want This is a great superpower I can turn anything into cake They're such different powers Like let me be honest I could turn every liquid

That I want to drink in my life Into my favorite soda right now By just buying the soda But I can't buy cake in any shape At any place They feel wildly different But you're going to to want, I mean, practical jokes is I'm just saying eating, you're going to want soda more

than you want cake. I, I, I, maybe. I don't know about that. This isn't even about eating it. Like, I, I'm going to open a cake shop. You know what I mean? Of course you are. We're back to the, of course you are.

Well, you're telling me, if you had that superpower, you're not selling amazing cakes. You, but, Jay, you could have a cake shop that's made out of a cake. Oh, baby. The problem with that is. too moist. Once you do turn the building into the cake. Is it done? It doesn't. You can't revert it. So you could just, you could just ruin so many. More toilet cakes. The White House has a week left because you're a cake. Everybody goes and eats the White House. Can I turn people into cake? I just, dude, if you drink this much soda. That's murder. That's murder.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to drink soda. Like, I don't have a desire to drink. Every now and then I'm like, Honestly, if you could turn your sodas into water, you'd be healthier if you did it the opposite way. Yeah, you'd have a problem with cake, though, because you'd put, you'd do the hijinks, but you'd also be like, man, I'm kind of hungry. Oh, yeah. Here's a slice of cake. Yeah, that would be. That's a problem. That's the beat us.

I guess because that one is an, that one seems like a better power. I'm going to take the cake one and just learn to control my power. Learn to harness the cake power. It's going to be real hard to not turn someone's. car into cake. It'll be real easy to turn someone's car into cake. I mean, but then you just have plausible deniability. I don't know how you're, dude, you're the only one that can turn things into cakes. This is going to sound strange, but can you turn things into cake? You need to have a four-digit code before you do the transformation that you have to put in to be sure, because

you're going to be freewheeling and be like, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Two key systems. Yeah, you need to be able to put in your code, your responsibility cake code. Chandler from the website, would you rather have a movie, I'm sorry, would you rather watch a movie with a great plot but bad acting or a movie with a terrible plot, but great acting? I feel like the latter is the one, those are the ones that win the, all the Oscars. 100% and I hate them. I hate, it's so true, when you watch these awful movies with no point or purpose,

A stupid ending But there's great acting? Yeah. Oh, all the fart snifers out there that are, you know, voting on Academy Awards, they just gobble that out. When I watch those movies that are supposed to be good, all I hear is like faces in my peripheral going, you're supposed to like this.

You're supposed to love this movie. No, if it's got a stupid plot and you act good in it. It's awful. That's a stupid movie you shouldn't have signed up to do. Are you on the, you're the fart sniffer side? More often than not, yeah Gross. Yeah, great movies are great movies. Oh, my gosh, go watch Dunkirk.

Yeah, maybe I will. That was nominated. Go watch it. I dare you. I dare you. You'll want to turn your own eyes into cake when you're in the middle of watching that movie. Now, all this being said, all this being said, you don't realize, we don't see actual bad acting often, right? We watch so many movies, so many shows. I see it very frequently. Network TV.

You think you do. you think you do you see an you see acting that is not great you're like oh i that's that's some bad acting but if you actually see bad acting like they're just not able to act and it's just this person who feels like they're completely out of place some people i mean i would say a lot of people can't act they can't just do that skill and that's unwatchable it's on it's i would much rather watch a bad movie with a terrible plot with good acting as as as much as I don't like that than ever watch a genuinely bad actor. It's so cringy.

I can't handle it. Yeah, I think that's the right pick because if you see a movie with great acting, you will be watching it with hope that the plot becomes better. But I doubt once or a certain ways into a movie with bad acting, you know it's not getting better. You know that's a lost cause. Yeah, bad acting is. So you watch all them fart sniffer movies, huh?

Not all of them, but I'm open to them. But I like, so you don't like the fart sniff movie. but you also don't like the Brain Dead Marvel movies Yeah, I like them right in between Make sure to be clear that you were talking to Amher. Yes, yes. I love the brain dead Marvel movies. You know what I like?

I like the way you called them Brain Dead Marvel movies. Yeah. They're popcorn. Yeah. Most of them. There's a couple of them where you're like, oh, that's a feeling. There's a few good ones. But now we're on the other side of that and we see where everything's going. Where is it going? Into the cake toilet, man.

Nobody likes the movies. no more. We're all tired of them. Do people like movies anymore? That's... People like good movies. They just don't make good movies anymore. That's the problem. People make movies now without the like, there's no passion behind it. I mean,

there are some movies that are like that, obviously. They're smaller and they do well. And I like a good drama with good acting and a good plot. Is that too much to ask? I think that is... That's my favorite movie. I think that's too much to ask. You know what a good movie is? A few

good men. A few good men is the right kind of movie. That's a good movie. But a courtroom drama? I mean it wasn't not much of that movie takes place in a courtroom. Very little. That's a good movie. That's like how old is that movie? That's an old movie. I'm using it as a template. There's other movies like that

that I just didn't pop into my head right away. You know the movies were good in the 90s? Casa. Now that's a film. I did not say I mean, I gave you a few good men, a heralded, I don't move. Harold and Maud. Not Harold and Maud. It's an example.

It's a template. Give me a recent example. Like the sound of music. Just what, like, first thing that comes to mind for you when you think of like modern good movie. I'm having a bit of a moment trying to find it. It's difficult. I don't blame you. I haven't gone with the wind or what do you think of it?

Wizard of Oz You ever seen Rear Window? Oh my gosh Hitchcock knew how to do it guys Let's see I think I've been I think you guys Wouldn't you agree

That most movies have a lot of movies Get made with a different Starting point Than they used to Yeah for sure Money Do you know what I mean Yeah

The starting point is marketability Reach the broadest audience possible Reach the most Every country It's a broad view of revenue and not every you know it's not artistry necessarily

they build bands this way too by the way things are cyclical though I think you know 10 years 20 years from now it'll get back to where I mean it still is always about the money what used to make money was great films and then as things made more and more

money was just you know wide appeal mass appeal kind of formulaic as people tire of that the ones that people will go and spend the money on in a movie theater will be wow that was really great incredible word of mouth like everyone's talking about this movie we just got to give it time to come back to the good days do you ever see uh green book no i did not with vigo mordenson you never saw that no never heard of it i was trying to give you a slightly newer what about uh bird man i didn't see

bird man you don't love michael keaton yeah not enough uh yeah i don't know i was trying to look up the last 20 like best picture winners yeah is that what you just did yeah is that where you got Birdman. Argo was a good movie. Yeah. Crash. Do you remember Crash? I never saw it. Oh, Crash was a good movie. It's about people crashing.

In cars? One of them. Into you? Like. Crash. So, apparently you like the fart sniffy movies. It's not a fart sniffing movie. I just want a good drama with good actors and a good plot.

Jay, have you seen Crash? No. Yeah. How have neither have you seen Crash? Because it's fart sniffy. Smells bad. So if you haven't seen it. Oh, yeah. It's a bad movie.

Yeah. Oh, for sure. I've seen all the good movies. I've seen all the good movies. I'll let you know if it was good. Yeah. All right. We're moving on.

Is this real life? All right. Who's starting off our is this real life segment today? We've got real live news stories that, well, they're real and we were shocked to find them yeah uh i will i will kick mine off i think mine is is a bit older but i've just recently been it's been brought to my attention and it's perfect for this show so there was a flight that was you know flying people around as they do from it was from uh washington to dallas you believe cities don't really matter it's a long

flight though but passengers start complaining of they're smelling burnt matches that's not good like that's that is an issue on an airplane eventually they make an emergency landing all the passengers are all are pulled off the plane got to put them all in secure screening areas by the FBI the FBI is now involved in this because look I mean you smell burning on a plane in this modern world you got to be worried about yeah like a threat so they They detain everyone. They bring the dogs in. The dogs are searching the plane.

Eventually they do find matches underneath a seat. Easy. Got the seat. We can track down who was in the seat. So they find the lady and they start to interrogate her. At which points she confesses, she in fact had been lighting and blowing out matches because she had the smelly farts, boys.

Oh my goodness. She had the smelly fart. Oh, my goodness. And her plan on an airplane was to light matches. Wait a minute. Which totally works, by the way, but on a plane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So this lady tried so hard to cover up her farts.

Yes. That it is now deborting the plane, taking everyone into the FBI. And the story obviously gets out, got out, and is currently continuing to be proliferated here on this mega show. Her farts are famous. The the end result was the passenger's name was not released to the public.

I mean, I'm sure there are people who know. The fire lady. But she was in fact banned from the airline. Oh man. For farts. Right? Banned for farts. Imagine being on a plane and your farts are just so bad. Number one that you

can't just go to the bathroom and fart it out. But you're Lighting matches. Look. It's incredible. This is not, this is a good story. This is not new information to this lady. She brought matches.

She was ready. She was prepared for these farts. She knew what was going on. And she was like, there's only one way I could fly on this plane. I got to light some matches. That's such an old school way to deal with farts too. Like I, if you go to a grandparent's house in their bathroom, there'll be matches. because that's how people dealt with farts back then.

Is that like a go-to thing for, like, people our age now? Should we be providing matches? Matches should be in every bathroom. Really? Yeah, you believe in it. Oh, really? You support it. Yeah, he's striking a match.

Everybody should have a chance to light a match. Striking a match to me in the whatever. And it scientifically helps, right? Yes. Well, I've never done the science, but I've done the experiment. No, I've heard of it too. And, like, I mean, Fabriz. Fabriese and

and potpourri and stuff. It works way better. Because it's not, you know, like when you spray the popery, you get the poopy popery smell. Yeah, that's a combo. Like when you do the match, it is far more match than it is poopy match. Who doesn't like striking a match?

Yeah, it feels good. I don't strike matches that much. That's just fun. Yeah. It's just fun. I was at a restaurant last night and on the way out. I see, you know, where they got like the toothpicks and the mints. they got matches

Well that could also be for the smokers Sure but I You bet your bottom dollar I took a match book I was like Dude there's There's I don't think I own match I didn't own matches I do now

Did the match industry go under with the smoking industry Yeah I mean I think lighters Lighters in general Lighters just really kicked Matches' butts Yeah They're like dude check this out They're like how many times

Can you use your match once what a loser Wow I don't know Better let it quick It's out I'm gonna read you mine real quick It's brief It's really

Just one line in particular got me It says robbery suspect Who eluded capture in a vehicle On a bike in a sailboat arrested A Vermont armed robbery suspect Who police say a looted capture In the past week

In a vehicle on a stolen bike On foot and in a stolen sailboat was arrested on Thursday after he was spotted in a kayak on the river. What? But the very best part is the quote from the Burlington Police Chief, who said, quote, because of the unusualness of Mr. Edson's various modes of flight, from cars to bikes to paddleboards to sailboats to tractors,

it's easy to lose sight of the fact that Mr. Edson is a dangerous person. Oh, my God. Because he's pretty cool. Oh, man. Don't forget he's dangerous. I know you're going to love this guy. What can this guy not do? I mean, and the best part is that he, they finally catch him out on a kayak, which I don't think

that's where you want to be. Was he on the run in the kayak? Or was he just kayaking? I think he was progressing. Catch him you can't covers. Oh, no. They're walking alongside the river. You get the current.

There's no way they're catching. They caught him. They spotted him on the kayak. 21 miles away from Burlington. He landed the kayak, ran away, and then jumped into the river and swam to the southern shore where he was then arrested. He was on his way to his helicopter.

But they all asked for his autograph when they picked him up, I'm sure. I appreciate this man's diversity of transportation. Yeah, that's very impressive. Speaking of transportation, and also, you want to talk about a story that could have used the cake power. This one could have An Australian woman survived five days in the bushland

On wine and candy So that's the Wait what An Australian woman survives five days in the bushland On wine and candy Wine and candy She could have used some cake I mean she was very limited

So she had She had calories End up with those two objects going into the bushland Yeah so she got lost she did not mean to go into she was on the way to some i don't know like a valentines day day i think she was going to some famous dam um okay and got lost on the way there and this middle of this giant australian bushland and when she went to turn around her car got stuck in the mud and she was kind of in the middle of nowhere and no family knew that she was gone

and she was like 37 miles away from the nearest town. And so she's out here, you know, needle in a haystack type of rescue operation. And she's just got to survive. The nights are cold. And the only thing she had in her car, she doesn't drink. She was bringing a bottle of wine. She does now. Yeah.

You're like drinking saved my life. But that was the only liquid she had for five days was this bottle. bottle of wine and candy and she survived for five days she survived five days we know the candy type we don't it didn't share i don't know if this was up is there a more is there a more sustaining candy like snickers bars i mean that'd be yeah you got to get snickers satisfies yeah it's got protein like i mean you probably not like you know you don't want skittles probably not are the ropes or the can you use the like as a tool for the wine i mean i would have turned I would have turned that car into a cake

Pronto. I've been like, it's okay. I could survive a while here. How long could you live on cake alone? Oh, a long time. Long, long time. Cake and water? Yeah, cake and water. I mean, I was including water. One flavor, though. One flavor of sure. Let's break this down for a second because we have a second before the draft.

If you are, I don't remember school much. But I remember there's these things called, like complex carbohydrates or complex proteins or whatever. isn't there like rice and beans when you put them all together you get all the amino acids you need or something like that anybody over there go to school nope nobody here no biologists no do you remember what I'm talking about we're we're dumb yeah well Papa Josh is here thanks for kind of like making a small whispering into the microphone could you pull the microphone to your face I don't want to be on the hook for this if I get it wrongs oh yeah you're on the spot but I remember there being

what do you want complex versus no you just need to have like like beans and rice they go together and you get all the things you need for food. So you could live on beans and rice. Franks and beans. Rice and beans. Beans and rice is a famous saying for that purpose. But like cake doesn't give you everything you need, right? You don't get protein in cake.

So how long could you live a year on cake and water? Yeah, you could live a year on cake. You're going to end up with diseases. So like the reason that, you know, pirates got scurvy is because they ate just basically only potatoes. And they didn't have enough of the other vitamins they needed. to, you know, properly survive. So they develop scurvy and other things.

But you can live a long time with scurvy, I think. Yeah, as long as you have... Beans alone and rice alone, both lack certain essential amino acids of eaten together. Each contributes to what is missing to form a complete protein. That is what I was referring to. Really? So Franks and beans is everything you need. Now, I decided to ask AI how long a person could live.

Okay. On only cake and water. They'll know. It said, you will have severe nutritional deficiencies. as you said. No fiber. You'll have psychological effects. Comma, fatty, comma. You have diabetes. Yeah, it's for a, yeah. I mean, they didn't give me a date. They didn't. They didn't. They didn't tell me how many days on, on a calendar.

Well, shame them. Shame them in your text and tell them. How many days would you estimate? Cake will keep you alive, but you will be malnourished and you'll be vitamin deficient. Yeah, we know that. We know that. Give me the day. I want how many days? I think a very, very long time. Rough estimate is what it says it's going to give me. here in a minute. Oh. But it says it's dependent on the type of cake. Short term?

Type of cake. What kind of cake? Is this red velvet? I imagine if you had like chocolate in it, it'd be better, right? I mean, I guess if it's a carrot cake, you get a, oh, you know what I mean? You get a little bit of vitamins. It says long term months-wise a person would face life-threatening complications due to severe malnutrition, organ failure, and immune system collapse.

Survival beyond a few months would be unlikely without an intervention. Only a few months. A few months. Wow. But I didn't put the peanut in a wall in there, so. Yeah. What happens when the wine and the cake mixed together? That's like rice and beans.

That's a complete protein. Wow. So not on the normal list of things you want to be like out stuck in the wild with. No, but it works. The bare necessity. If you are going to be traveling, make sure you have candy and wine. Thank you, Jeremy, for hunting down that complete protein thing that made me sound somewhat like I paid attention in school. I'd never heard that.

I'm surprised, Mike. You're normally, you've got good grades. I like rice and beans. Humans, we just figured it out before we, there was an actual. Yeah, rice and beans. You need them both. Great. All right.

We're ready to draft? Yep. The Spitballers draft. Well, today we are drafting things that are fragile. I don't know what that was. What in the world? Well, my throat kind of got a little stuck while I was going to, I was just, I was going to give like a, sound, what's that?

I was just going to give a, hmm, and then it, and then it got stuck and you went, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, well. Jason loves fragile things. All right. I don't feel like there's any sort of one-on-one in this draft. Oh, definitely not. So I'm going to, uh, I got a long wait because I got a couple I kind of want for my team of fragile things, but I'm going to go with a fun one to start with.

Bubbles. Uh, bubbles on my list. I'm going with bubbles. Yeah. Bubbles are so fragile. You can't even touch them. They pop. You better be covered in soap.

Yeah. That bubble doesn't stand a chance. So I'll go with bubbles. All right. This is the number one pick. It's a fun. We lively pick. We need more bubbles.

There's no way that if you had more bubbles on your week to week, month to month basis, you aren't a happier person. Bubbles cannot make you sad. No bubbles ever made somebody sad. You can over bubble. Just throwing this out there. You can over bubble. How would you over? Unless you're getting like.

That's what I'm talking about. That's all I'm talking about. No, I'm talking about the slick floors. You know, I love bubbles. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm super pro bubble. I think bubbles are going to make you happy. But the bubble residue on the ground, if you have too much, you can.

Yeah. What about a new device that is just for happiness? It sits in the corner of your room. It's motion activated. When you walk into the room, it shoots out a few bubbles. We're not talking about a lot of bubbles. No, that's awesome. You just get to see more bubbles more often.

Just every time you walk into the room, a couple bubbles go up. A couple bubbles go up. A couple bubbles. A couple bubbles. That's what he's called. Yeah, it's called the couple bubbles. Bumble dribble. So bubbles is my pick.

All right. Who's that? I'm up. All right. So you took the very fun, very happy and light bubbles. Yeah. And I will go with the far darker. Go with your ego.

Hmm. Yeah. Really? You're coming with the secret? Yeah, we're going. The secret thing at the top. The number two pick, we are taking your ego because it is fragile and it will break and once it is shattered into pieces, you are left with nothing.

No wonder he likes the fart sniffer movies. Yeah. Look, it's on my list. Yeah, of course it is. Yeah. I got to it first. It was the first thing I thought of when you talk about fragile things. You're supposed to bring in the like the curveball later, Mike.

Well, maybe I still will. Mm. All right. Jason, you got two picks. Things that are fragile. We got bubbles and ego. All right. Which route are you going to take?

I'm going to go with something that is, in my mind, I have, I have bonus points for valuable. And so. What? Yeah. Why is there bonus points? He's making his own rules. No, I'm just saying when I look at what matters that is fragile, if I were to drop my plate.

Yeah. Okay, that's fragile. It breaks. But if I drop my Fabrizier egg, that is fragile. That is something that you don't want to touch. You don't want to move it. You don't, because of its fragility. Its fragility is what.

What's Fabrizier, by the way? Fabrizier. Yeah, like in 60 seconds. Fabrije is the layers of work that have meaning and then they develop. You got no clue to you. I have no idea. What is it made out of Fabrije? Is it made out of Fabrije.

Is a Faberjay egg actually fragile? Yes. No, that's a Frabrije. No, I did, I did Google that earlier to see, and Faberge eggs are very fragile. Also, how does that become a thing? Right, like a super expensive. How are rich people like, this is the thing? It's a jeweled egg created by the jewelry firm House of Fabergerge.

So it has nothing to do with this. It has nothing to do with the- This is a brand? It's not the material. It's from a Russian company called Faberjé. Oh, and they only made 69 of them of which, of which 57 of them survived. Oh, so they're not making Faberge eggs anymore? No, they were only.

There are only this. So it's the scarcity. There's only 52. Now imagine how fragile that feels in your house. There's 52 of these things left. Are they really fragile? I don't know. Yeah, they are.

So they will break? If you'd be rob us. Google it. There once were 69 of these. Yes. You can see a picture of, because they're fragile. You can see a picture of every single one of them.

It's like a collection of Faber's a. My mind is blunt. I thought Faberge was like paper mache or something. Like, I'm with you. All right. So you took a Faberze egg. Yeah. Okay, boogey boy.

What are you taking next? Next, I'm going with regular egg. Regular egg. Do it. Oh, do it. It's all the time. Oh, man, that's a good pick. I mean, that's really fragile.

Drop an egg on the ground? You know what's going to happen. It's on my list. He's tempted. I am so tempted to have, if only there were two more types of fragile eggs. I bet you can find them. The yoke. When you're flipping a, well, yeah, when you're flipping, when you're frying.

It is. It is very. It's fragile. But, no, I'm going to go with ancient texts. I'm going with. like ancient you know like scrolls these pay the paper will fall apart it's so old you can't touch old paper this this old this draft is lost already this draft is lost wow ancient text ancient got it it's super i don't even understand why that's a bad pick

they are fragile ancient books it's not a bad pick it's just funny good jake it's ancient text It's old paper is what it's what it is. Yeah, but it is fragile. Ancient texts are more valuable. I told you I'm putting an emphasis on value here. Mike, you are up. An old manuscript. The hard part is I could say ancient, insert any word here, and it is now a fragile item.

Man, you should have done that. Should have thought about that. Ancient people. Ancient bones. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Jason, ancient eggs. Oh, fossil eggs, man.

That was your third one. Those are no longer fragile. Okay. Yeah. Petrified. I'm sorry, Al. Go on, Mike. You got a pick.

So from that. By the way, I started this with bubbles. You did. And I will combine bubbles with my next pick. Trust. Trust. It's a fragile thing, guys. Because the second you break your trust with someone, you're never going to get it back.

It can't be repaired. It's fragile. It's fragile. Trust is a fragile thing. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. You might be stupid, but you're not wrong. Andy does not like your pick of trust.

What are we doing here? What are we doing here? We're just making a correction with some of the most important. I made the pick of bubbles. And since then we've got ego trust, Faberge eggs, and ancient texts. You feel real dumb for your... Arlists are crushing, Mike. We're doing important things over here.

Bubble boys. Now it just seems like what I pick is dumb. Yeah, probably. What are you going to pick? Well, spider webs is going to be my next pick. Those are very fragile. 268 episodes for me to want to quit. Oh, man.

Bubbles and spider webs. Okay. And then. Great news. You have another pick. look i'm gonna be honest i had trust on my list yeah but it was for like the last pick of the draft after everybody picked normal things also had eggs on my list you can still take you just can't you can't buy them from the faber's

company so i got to make another pick yeah yeah you do porcelain okay i've taken porcelain everybody's used handled something that's porcelain and you know you're just a you're just a split second away from breaking it. You can accidentally break porcelain just by setting it down on the counter. You don't even mean to break it. You just set it down and it's like, oh, it's broken. What'd you do? I put it down.

Yeah, I put it down. I put it down and it broke. Which makes me surprise that our toilets. Why can we sit on these toilets? Because it's thicker. So thick porcelain's okay? Yeah, like if you put enough porcelain together, I guess we're fine. But if you hit that porcelain with a sledgehammer.

But don't you put porcelain like in your teeth? Like, isn't that used as a filling? No, that's used for veneers, though. But doesn't that seem like the opposite of fragile? Yeah, why is it so strong in my mouth? But like on a doll. But like any. Yeah, porcel and doll.

Because that's very thin. And any of the like China. Right, yeah, fine China. Find China. Anything that you're serving is porcelain and it can break. I don't know. There's two times of porcelain. That's what I'm learning.

There's a fragile porcelain and then there's the toughest material ever. When you need something really reliable, like in your teeth or your toilet, porcelain. But if you need something real fragile for your food, porcelain. Yep, that's right. Or a mug, right? Almost all mug. See, it's the heat transfer. Porcelain holds heat, I think.

Okay. All right. Am I back on the clock? We know so little of the world. Well, speaking of that, so for my next, so I got it. Oh, no. He's just preparing himself for some ridiculous pick. So I will follow up your porcelain pick with civilization, boys.

Civilization, it is, Fred. Yes. I think we learned a thing or two in the pandemic that we are hanging on by just a couple threads. And the second that one of those things breaks down, we're all done. Jason's got, it's fragile. Mike's got ethereal thoughts. Jason has expensive things. Yeah.

And you're over here with just just fragile stuff. It's junk. Fragile stuff. Spider webs. So civilization. Thank you, Mike. Jason, you have your final two picks.

Okay. All right. Let's see here. What is expensive? I'm going to go with babies. They're actually pretty durable. Well, I mean, it's a sliding scale, right? They are more durable than oftentimes they are handled.

Are you drafting babies? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, look, there are certain things in life. You don't want to drop. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I don't want to drop this fine China. Why?

This it'll break. Right. What would you rather drop, Mike? Between a baby. Between a baby and fine China. I would rather drop fine China, Jason. Yeah, of course. Yeah, but what's more expensive?

I would assume you'd save the China based on your priority list. No, definitely the babies are more expensive. Hard to make. He didn't say Faberjee eggs or babies. Yeah. Because there's only 52 of those. So you've got to be real careful with.

So you've taken the top three picks of Faberjee eggs, ancient texts, and babies. That's right. At least you didn't acquit. At least it's not like only certain babies. You included all babies. Oh, all babies. They're all fragile. Yeah.

Okay. Um, okay. Now I'm going to go towards Mike's list. Oh, you're going to rule. it for him. He's looking to hit the grain slam here. Yeah. I'm going to go with existential thoughts. The human heart. Oh, that's such a good pick. Yeah, thank you, mine. It's such a good pick. It's so fragile, you know, we can be hurt so easily and our love can be broken. Our human conditions. Say this with the almost respect. You two are idiots. That's an incredible pick.

Thank you, Mike. Oh, man. Thank you. So are you going to flip it back and pick one of Jason's? Oh, no, my last pick is not, uh, are you done? Yeah, no. Oh, yeah, you got babies. I'm done. Uh, I got babies. Oh, yeah, you got babies. Uh, it's not, it's not expensive.

Uh, but they, it is, it's fleeting. Miramono. So I got ego, trust, civilization. And for my last pick, I will take sand castles. I mean, one, one wave, one misstep along the beach. Mm-hmm. That castle is crumbled. One jerk little kid.

Yeah. Just coming up, soccer kick my castle. I mean, a frisbee and a dog, your cat, all that work. Sand cancels is on my list. Yeah. Yeah. But somehow I just feel like the final one you picked was just the manifestation. It's now I'm thinking of it deeply.

It's like all the sand castle. It's much like the ego and the trust and the civilization. It can be washed away in but a moment. Oh, man. You dummy. I mean, my picks are so bad now. Time. what you got for us if you take us home close it out it's just the last pick make it a good one

uh it's snowflakes how about that perfect how about snowflakes yeah very no two are the same least favorite leave's favorite drive of my life i man i hadn't thoroughly enjoyed this mike great time my list is is sensational it really is jay your list with with so valuable You know what else is fragile? The run of a podcast like this. You know what I mean? Al, don't you feel that on today's show?

I thought it was great. Yeah. No one took glass in the 12 picks. I have a wine glass on my list, but I felt like it just wasn't expensive enough. With wine in it, though? Oh, that's even more fragile. But it could be worth more.

That's true. That's true. It's a very expensive wine. What else do we have? I have an urn. that's that's one have you ever had a fabric a urn i was really thinking like what do i not want to drop you know what i mean okay that was the base that's the basis of the babies and the eggs yeah yeah and the urn in your heart uh light bulbs i had the i i specifically went

fluorescent light bulbs oh yeah because those aren't they poisonous or something so they're more fragile you're thinking of the cfels yeah yeah the big got mercury in them well like the big long That's a fluorescent Those aren't poisonous I thought you can't Like if it breaks You can't be around it or something

You can't breathe it in Oh you're thinking of a nuclear weapon Oh yeah Platonium Oh yellow cake Yeah Christmas tree ornaments Yeah I had ornaments

I just took down my Christmas tree And they don't Christmas ornaments now Like any of the balls That you buy Like the colored ball They're all plastic And they all used to be glass

So I I drop so many i mean i dropped i was thinking while i was doing it how much glass would be on the ground in my house for the amount that i accidentally dropped taking them off my tree i have done that like years and years ago oh with the glass ones yeah well those are those are little jagged murder shards it was so you had the you know the plastic container where it's all level but it's the one where it's like multiple ones attached together well the it was apparently very cheap and as i was pulling it down just crashed three of the

three of the shelves of ornaments go to the ground in the garage just shatter everywhere and my wife comes in like what happens and I said I've ruined Christmas this was on the way to set up the Christmas tree oh no ruined Christmas yeah this was Christmas Eve we were late to the party I would never I think humans have been dropping all sorts of stuff for a long time and all human progress is is converting those things into less breakable items.

Yeah, yeah. We've done a good job. And that's why we've got to fix this porcelain thing. We've got to get the toilet. We've got to get the toilet and the teeth people. There is, have you, have you ready to use a metal toilet? I know where those are in a park. Brothers prison.

But they're also like at parks. You'll get them there too. It's a little cold. Uncomfortable. It's a little cold on the tush if you need to, you know. Make a poop. Yeah. fragile fragile one plie oh that should have been my pick yeah yeah you two knuckleheads

what did we learn today learned that andy is not sophisticated and I picked bubbles guys he doesn't he doesn't take our dress very seriously no no I'm sorry he really really needed to step up to the point I need to look deeper I learned that Mike likes fart sniffy movies I did not know that about you I mean I knew you like bad movies like Blade Runner but not Fart Sniffie movies, which, to be fair, that is very similar. And I learned that nobody else in this entire studio here knows what a complete protein is, apparently. Nope. Nope.

I was sophisticated there, wasn't I? I'm told that I should eat my body's weight and protein every day. Really? Yeah. Your body's weight. No. No. Not you're like the grams.

Okay. Weight of grams. 200 pounds of protein. Jason kept saying no. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.