Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Pooping In The Woods & An Olympic Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

Monday is here and what better way to brighten your day than another Spitballers episode. Guess Guess Goose returns with some… interesting questions and results before we head to the arena for an Olympic Battle Royale. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Radity-tap, tat, tap, tap, doink. I really missed the mark there. Nah, it worked out. It was like a guy doing the I'm falling for. I'm still falling.

For 25 feet before he crashes into a wall. It was good stuff. I really like it. In the rat of tats a little bit earlier so I could sink up the doink. You know what I mean? Oh, that's what the issue was. Got it got to sink the doink. Got it.

Welcome into the spitballers. That was the third of four scats I have to do for Jason. Hoof. Another month. I mean, that means it's six weeks away before I skis. again. And hopefully by then I have sold my scat. Oh, man. For the next month.

This new strategy is really helping you, isn't it? What in the world? Oh, it's a goose. Am I the goose? We're doing guest guest goose today, and you just threw a goose with me. I know who's not. Yeah, I forgot to pre-set it, so I just tossed it out there. It's a good thing you're not the goose today, Jason. You don't even have to deal with that. Yeah. Would you rather guest, guess, guess, goose, and we are, we're back in the arena, but this time it's winter.

We have a battle royale draft at the end of the show today. It's a good one. That is a great one. I'm excited for this. This is a winner Olympics. We're right on time, man. Right on time. For the Winter Olympics?

Yeah. Yeah. They're just closing ceremonies. And we're going to close it out with a battle. You don't want a battle in the beginning. Then no one participates in the event. Right. After gold medals have been awarded, the killing starts.

That's what I'm talking about. Let's jump right in. Al Borland in the building, by the way. Papa Josh is. as well in Ducer's Alley. And we got some fun games to play today. That's right. All right.

Let's do it. Would you rather? All right. James from Patreon writing in. Would you rather be slightly thirsty no matter how much you drink? That doesn't sound great. Or slightly tired no matter how much you sleep. Give me the thirst.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like who's not? Who is not slightly tired all the time? Is that happen? children. I'm speaking to a room of adults right now. When's the last time? For 30 minutes after caffeine. Yeah, I do think that I've got a 30 minute window each day. This is a good... At some point in the day where I feel like I'm not tired. Hmm.

Is it with the... It's with an energy drink. No, I think it's probably about an hour after I wake up. An hour after I wake up, I got a good 30 minutes in me. And you... Before caffeine? Yeah, I don't usually... I don't usually have coffee in the morning. you used to I mean sometimes I do but my normal I have a coffee maker

I have coffees from time of time but I don't have a routine I drive a dodged redress I'm just saying like I don't have a I have a morning routine and that does not include any coffee maker I want does not include coffee

as part of my normal routine if I wake up and I'm really tired I'll make myself a cup of coffee in the morning but interesting I feel like I have more coffees midday than I have in the morning I'm just noticing on our video screen

what's that that there's like blue then there's like the middle then there's blue yeah yeah yeah i just we're redoing the set over here and i was just like oh i've never seen the we have not experienced it yeah um looks weird i've been what it looks really weird uh i've been wondering for a while because i mean we we buy various drinks and snacks for the office and um like it just seemed like i really want to understand how many energy drinks are being consumed in this office by al bourland i don't because i was I was double fist in it when I saw him. I feel like he had two energy drinks in his hand right before this show.

I would claim HIPAA right now. I would not answer these questions. Definitely private information. It can't be private if I'm buying it. Yeah, thank you. That's a good point. I mean, it's Andy's information. I try to stick to two a day.

I don't always succeed. Yeah. Yeah. Two of these and call me in the morning. Two energy drinks a day keeps a doctor away because of death. Yeah, that's true. Watch yourself, brother. My heart has exploded. No longer needing a doctor. I don't want to be slightly tired no matter how much I sleep. I think I will be thirsty.

I mean, I'm in Arizona. I'm always a little bit thirsty. I feel like I don't remember the last time I wasn't a little thirsty. Like, I could always go for a quench. You know? You could go for one. Yeah. All right. Go for a quench. Jake from the website, Keep Trade Cut,

bathroom luxuries. Oh, here we go. Bidays? Oh, yeah. Deregulated high pressure shower heads. Oh, yeah. This is the Jason Moore special. Or any electronic toothbrush and flosser.

I mean, that's a necessity. So this is tough. This is tough, stop. My, it's not. The keep is so easy. The keep is so easy. I completely agree. It's tough because I want all three of these things.

I love all three of these things. And there's different levels, right? There's needs versus desires. Like, you don't need a high-pressure water, a shower. No, but extremely low is almost impossible. Extremely low does suck. But just like a normal, you know, average, non-illegal showerhead. It gets the job done, but I don't like that as much.

That's more of a... Is it illegal? I don't know if it is against the law, yet there are laws. I don't know. We're Arizona. We're kind of... We're very wild west here with our regulations. So it is illegal, but it's not something that is criminal or even prosecutable on an individual level.

I think it is the... The showerhead has to ship a certain way. Right. Like the manufacturer can't do this. But if you go look... Look at your own risk. If you go look, they're like, hey, this is how the showerhead works. You know what we definitely wouldn't do?

We wouldn't open this part of the showerhead, remove this, put it back together, then install it. We wouldn't do that. You don't have to just to let you know, Mike. You don't have to open the shower at all. Like, whatever it is. I'm just saying if you, if you've never jail broke a shower head. That's exactly what it is jail breaking shower heads. If you go to Amazon and you specifically look for that.

You can find images where it's like, and this little piece at the end regulates the water pressure. And they just barely put it in. Like you could just tip it. These shower heads, you just tip it and like, you know, do the banging on the side. It just fall right out. They do this exact same thing with these electric e-bikes for my son. Oh, what could go wrong? I mean, at least with mine, I know it's a little wasteful, but I'm not like murdering someone.

You're getting the fishes and the turtles. Yeah, not someone. They sell it with a 28 mile an hour limit, and then they're like, and this brown wire, you don't really need that brown wire. And then it goes like 80 miles an hour. That little guy? I went worried about that little guy. So if I had to choose which one to get rid of, we all have the same key.

I'm not getting rid of the bidet. No. No one goes backwards from a bidet. Goodness gracious. If you get used to a bidet, which is there's a learning curve and an experience curve. Like when I first had that stream of water. on the booty hole. Yeah. It was weird.

It's aggressive. It's a little invasive. Too strong. And then it becomes not strong enough. You know, it's like, where can I crank that thing up to? Is there a regulator on this? Let me illegalize my bidet. Just rip through me. I got two holes now.

I don't feel like I need the electronic toothbrush flosser for one because I didn't use one for forever and was yeah i got i got cavities either way i got broken teeth either way i guess it's really true people well i don't know well yeah you don't i would i would never know but it is true that like this all the improvements in you know i've had an electric toothbrush now for a long time and i've had a cavity with it i had a cavity with when i had not electric toothbrushes it's like you really making that difference i don't know my teeth feel real clean though they got the commercials where you watch what it does in a cup of water it's pretty impressive man

it's like bro yeah I think I think it's the gums that I care about because you get like if you don't clean the gums right then you got pain and all that and you're gonna need to get like you'll have pain from the teeth

root scaling and stuff like that oh that sounds that sounds never heard about that no I feel like one of you guys had to do that one I have not had it I that's if you're like if you let your gums get away from you that's like the highest level of gingivitis I've never had that either, but I know people have gone through it. Oh, when you have to get like the gum graft

and things like that? No, they just like, they use some sort of water laser and blast away all the nastiness in there and it's painful. Just put me under. Blake from Patreon, would you rather have a constantly stuffy nose? That feels like Mike all the time. Or a constantly runny nose. So I

will say, hashtag they are not a sponsor, so they will get no pub. But I have, I mean, in the searching for allergy medicine and just something that can actually happen because I if I don't do anything I will literally have a 70% clogged nose that's the baseline like that's not a good day right that's nothing is wrong 70 to 100% would be every day of my life and then we we have located

something and I it's not Afrin though no no it's not no that goes to 100% open it's not Afrin. And 200% problem. It's probably like microdosing aphrine. Is it destroying my sinuses and my body? I don't care because I have, I have, I have told my wife if they're, you know, like let's say you know, like you make doomsday. It's like, okay, well, I can't survive without this.

You know, we make the jokes about the mandate. Is it. My wife's a type one diabetic. You got to have like, oh, I need to grab my insulin. If a world exists where I no longer have access to this medicine for my nose, goodbye. Goodbye. I can't go back.

Is it because it goes to 100% closed or you no longer know how to live with an 80% closed nose? That of like the breathing. You're like, oh, my, your mouth is always dry. You've probably needed surgery for 40 years. Probably. And he'll probably need surgery that he doesn't get for the rest of his life as well. I found a solution. I was just explaining that if that solution were at advantage, so will I.

I'd rather have a stuffy nose than a runny nose. For sure. A runny nose, it leads... Disgusting. It's gross, and it leads to, like, you get all sore and red around your nostrils. A runny nose means guaranteed. I don't care how much you bring Kleenex around with you. It means you got snot on your hands.

You're going to end up with snod on your hands. It's just a fact. At some point, you're going to do the... Yeah, but that's not my problem. That is, too, your problem. I'm going to call you out right there. You got snot on your hands. yourself a self problem.

No? You don't mind? No. Oh, disgusting. I'm more on Jason's side with that one. Brother, you don't want to know what's on your hands right now. Unless you are regularly washing, snot is the least of your concern. Sure.

Maybe not the least, but not the most. Some things are worse to know about. And snot. You know what? It helps. If you ever get a cold, though, and you have the runny nose for a few days, get the lotion. Oh my gosh.

Get the lotion. Yeah. Loatian Kleenex? It's a night and day difference. If you use regular Kleenex, you will be ripped raw. When I see someone, my brother-in-law stayed over this last weekend and I watched him rip off a sheet of paper towel. Oh, I do. I do this.

Below his nose. That's emergency one time every year. That's what I use when I take my nose sprays. Yeah, but you can't feel your nose anymore. I mean, that, I can't even, I can't watch it. I feel like you might as well be using sandpaper. Yeah. Makes you a little tougher.

You're like, why not just get some printer paper? You know, it's just like. Can you build up nasal calluses? Like a guitar player? I mean, with my, I use paper towels all the time. It's just because I'm tougher than you. Okay. Try steel wool, Mike.

You also have snot all over your hands and don't care. Yeah, you're just, not anymore. I don't. This is gross. Josh from Patreon. would you rather never be able to eat or drink within two miles of your home? That would be pretty annoying. Or only be able to eat and drink inside your home.

Interesting. Wait. So then both situations, I can't eat or drink within two miles of my home. Like all the restaurants are within two miles of me are out in both situations. No, but yeah, but in the first scenario, you'd have to drive 2.1 miles away to eat ever. Right? So you can't eat. And the first one, you have to drive away from your home at least two miles before you can consume food.

So, man, so you're picking, like for people, if you work, you are picking, would you rather be able to eat at work or not, or eat at home? So where are you the most? You pretty much have to eat outside your home. Right? Because that's what I think so when you're working. I mean, there are other considerations. here. Let's say you took, that was a chosen of took.

You chook, let's see, you chook the option of you can only eat or drink inside your home, right? Well, good luck on that family vacation, you know. Right. You're like, oh, I go to Hawaii. Exactly. You can't go anywhere. You have to choose. No, technically, are you saying that your home is your hotel?

You could buy a residence. Wherever you're going. I got a beach house. And then sell it. Right? Is that a way to get out of that? Home's where the heart is, guys. Oh, yeah. Dude, my heart is in this restaurant.

Every time you're about to eat, you just have to declare, I'm home. I'm home. Nom, nom, nom, nom. A third option could be like you can only eat at the place you spend the most time, but I guess that's your home. I guess that's not your way. It's always going to be the home because of sleep. You'd have to say the place you spend the most waking time.

Yeah, where's that? Probably home. Okay, all right. Let's take a break. We'll jump into some guest-guess goose. What time is it? Game time. Oh.

Yeah. Put the goose on, you dumb nerd. You lost this last time around. So now this entire segment, you wear a goose. Which, ironically, I was looking to see the last time we did this segment. And I couldn't remember. And I pulled it up. And apparently I was not here for this.

And it was the episode. where Josh didn't know that he had the answers. Oh, yes. That was a good watch. That feels like I should have been saved from the goose, like I should have been immune. No, I watched the whole segment. You deserved it.

Okay. I feel like earned is a better word. I do like this segment. Sure, yeah, I'll take it. I like I don't feel like I want to be the goose again, though. For those playing along at home, we will do six rounds of guest-guess goose. Al Borland has hit the streets.

and surveyed a large amount of average folks. You wouldn't even believe. Thousands. Thousands. Can't believe how many people. And so we'll take turns being the one to read the question and set the line, basically. So you'll follow along at home. The first question, what percentage of people are stomach sleepers?

Are we? Interesting. Have we gotten to the point where it's like, it's just it's okay? Because at least in my experience, when we were young, I was told you can't sleep on your stomach I was not told that No that I think that's coming It's super bad for babies

Like that's where it comes from Babies are not supposed to sleep on their stomach Right Because they can literally control their head And yeah Wait so it was We just transfer that I was

No I feel like all through my growing up It's bad for your neck It's bad for your back I've never heard that Yeah it kind of is Then why is it the most comfortable position Well it depends on how Hard your mattresses. Do you look like the letter you when you're sleeping on your stomach?

That's the other thing. The soft mattress. The soft mattress. It's bad for your back. Why is it so comfortable? Like it's the, like, you lay on a soft mattress and you're like, this is right. This is how my body can rest comfortably. It's like, that's going to destroy. What? Our bodies apparently are designed in such a way that the mattress we feel the most comfortable. on. We'll be the mattress we wake up with the most back pain on. Yeah, it makes no sense. It's like our food. Oh, this is terrible. That's good for you. All right. What percentage of people are stomach sleepers? I have to set the line here. By the way, it's three points if you guess the exact percentage. Two points of view. If the guesser is correct within five percent in each

direction, one point if the higher, lower guesser gets it correct. Man, what percentage of people are stomach sleepers? I'm going to say. say 38%. That's a good guess. I wrote down my percentage. Crap. So I was on a side of that. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I'm going to let Mike... I wrote it down. Okay, all right. I am lower. I'm lower as well. I thought about 28%. I don't feel great about it. Because you've got back inside, two other options. 33 might be at a minimum. I think I was wrong on this one. You've also got people who aren't... There's a fourth category.

It's no choice. Exactly. However you want. They sleep on all of them. So, yeah, what is the answer? I bet it's closer to 25%. The correct answer is 22%. Wow.

If I had thought through that just a little bit more. Did you both go lower? We did. Yeah. If I had thought through that a little bit more, I think I would have settled in. The goose was goose. My bad. All right, Mike.

I'm up. What percentage of people have ever put potato chips in a sandwich? The number should be 100. It should be 100. It should absolutely be 100%. It's still not. There's no standardized, like, place that will do this. It's not a normal.

You don't go to... They're always like, hey, we got this super wacky sub. Right. We put potato chips on it. You're like, yeah. We've all done that. We've been... Do it on purpose for, like, a normal.

We put french fries on the burger. Yeah, when you've done that. To, like, Subway. You got, like, the lettuce, the onion. There should be the chips. Like, they should be like, I'll put some ruffles and some mayo. Yeah, they're crushed up. I've done both

I like them Preferably Not crushed Mike you pick the Wow What percentage of people Put potato chips in a sandwich 60%

I have no idea where to It's a tough line because We're cool Yeah But people aren't all We're so cool Are you got yours Jay Are you guys

I do have mine Of course But I feel like I'm gonna be really wrong Maybe I'm low Lower See I went higher I put 70%. I feel like I'm going to be

like exact opposite. So I don't feel good about this. You felt like you were going to be exact. Is that what you said, Jason? Oh, yes. That is what I said. The correct answer is 70%. Dang it.

I'm going to be goose. I'm going to be goose again. I'm going to be goose to Guillem. So Jason gets one point. The other two guys get nothing on that one. Beautiful. Wow. Well, all right.

I've still got zero. All right. Let's hope I can get the exact percentage again because I get extra bonus points. I see them figuring out the scoring. Josh can't figure out that Oh my gosh I didn't actually have the exact points But I said have ever put

Potato chips Yeah You thought it was always No I no no I thought it was like Yes yes Like it was a normal practice So I messed that up Guys what percentage of people

Have pooped in the woods Now Pooped in the woods We're saying like drop child woods Yes Not like an outhouse in the Correct When Al went out and talked to people, he didn't specify.

He just said what percentage of people. He said, excuse me, sir, ma'am. Have you pooped in the woods? That's right. And by the way, if you asked me that and I say, I pooped in a cabin, that doesn't count. Yeah, duh. Okay. As a bear would poop.

Yeah, as a bear would poop. That is actually what was asked. Have you pooped as a bear would poop? All right. You got to set the line now? I got to set the line. At the zoo? I think that.

I think people would be hesitant to say they have, even if they have. So I'm going to drop it a couple percentage points. Yeah, I think someone asked you, have you pooped in the woods? Be like, no. It's embarrassing? I mean, like, it's a badge of honor. Yeah, I do too. All right.

Well, then 5% in each direction, it's neutral. Okay. I used to go camping all the time, and I could go four or five days. It doesn't matter. I'm not pooping in the woods. Like, it just won't happen, or you are. I could tell my body. I could tell my body.

You're shutting it down? You are not everybody. I know. He can't burp. You know, one of us has a master control of his balance. Yeah, I got nothing I can say. I'm definitely going under 50. What percentage of people have pooped in the woods?

Not everybody even goes camping. I'm going to go 26%. Lowered. Higher. That's very norm McDonald. All right. Andy's going to walk away with a point on this one. The correct answer.

48%. Oh, what? No, it's not. Yes, everybody goes on some amount of camping. Hold on. No, I literally never camped in my life. Mike, ever pooped in the woods? No. Jason, no, Andy. Absolutely. Okay, so we're at 33%? Jeremy. Yes. Okay. Okay. 60%. What was the actual answer? Forty-48. Oh, man, you poop monsters. All right. We got to get the rest of the room on this one. What? Oh, out there? Yeah. Oh, you know Falcons pooped everywhere. I mean, like, he's like, good name. Wait, was it on purpose? Was it, was it pooped in the desert?

Yes. Was it pooped in a mall? Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever pooped in it? Let me stop you right there. Yes. Did you answer is yes.

The rainforest? Because yeah. What kind of woods? Oak. Taj Mahal? Yes, I have. We're talking willows. Yes and yes.

I could tell you which are the best leaves. All right. Here we go. No way. What percentage of people do not eat the crust when eating slices of pizza? How many children were asked this question? My children still won't eat the crust. When I see people not eat the crust, I resent it.

I often leave my crust. And I don't hate crust. I'm not like an anti-crust person, but the crust is not the best part of the pizza. It can be. Sir. Sir! Wow, you were really upset. I kind of like the crust.

Sir. Sir. The best part of that. I respectfully disagree. Sir. The best part of that was I meant to say sure. I know. I know.

This was made it great. I was outstanding. Some pizza, the crust is the best part. But the average pizza you get, the crust is the worst part. Not that it's bad, but it's the worst part. I want more of the best part. I feel like my goal on pizza is to eat it in such a way that while I eat the crust, I've left a line of marinerara on the top

and I'm having a marinerer breadstick. Yeah. Interesting. I like, because it changes it up. I wouldn't want to eat it with zero sauce. Right, you got to dip that thing in some ranch. Unless it's got like... I'll eat beer. I love the crust.

All right, what percentage of people do not eat the crust when eating slices of pizza? I do think it is pretty common. I'm going to try this on for size again, 38%. Oh, man. Do not eat the crust is 38? That's a good line. Yeah, I think it's, I'm going to try this.

number again. And you guys are both, I mean, you're both laboring, so hopefully it's a good line. It is. It's solid. I'm going to go, the percentage that don't eat the crust. I'm going to go lower. I'm going to, I'm going to higher. I was going to, if I was set in the line, I would just say 50% because I have no idea. Okay. So I'll take the majority. Let's find out. You guys are on opposite sides. The correct answer. 21%. Oh, Michael. All right. If I just going to. that 25 both times, I would have really been a winner. Mike and I are

tied at two points. I'm not too far behind. Andy has one. Yeah, I mean, there's a one point gap, and this is the last question, right? No, we got two more. Okay, that's how this game works. Give me a... Those are six of them. Sir! All right. What percentage of people?

Were you going to do the question? Brother. He's inventing words? He doesn't know what he's saying. Sir! Sir! Just go. What percentage of people have conducted video calls while not wearing pants? It's a great question. I feel like everybody should do that at one point or another. I'm always scared. Yeah, I don't think I've done it because it's dangerous.

No, I know, but it's like what if I have to get up and go somewhere? Yeah, for any reason, you know, and that, you would think I would be the one to always be video conferencing without pants, but I would probably not. Like, I have, like, I've done FaceTime where you're just like, I just have my shirt on and my kids are calling like, this is fine. That seems more dangerous. Because I have, well, no, I have full control of the camera. Hmm. Like if I stand up, drop it. Who?

Yes. Whoa. That's why I have a loop on my phone, Jason. I don't drop my phone. A FaceTime is a video call. So that would, that would count. Oh, that would. Okay.

Well, I was saying, I think it's very different to Zoom. The risk is much. much higher for that because you're just going to lose awareness, I think. People take risks there. Yeah, they do. There's been some reported high risk situations on Zoom. Yes, they do. Percentage of, no pants on a video call.

We're going to go, I think it's more than not, oh, 65. 65%. Lower. Lower. The correct answer, 47%. Oh, all right. All right, okay. I thought it was more.

Does that mean that I'm tied with Mike? You are two apiece, three for me. When's the last time you were a goose, Mike? It's been a long time. It's been a long time. Jason had three prior to this one. Yeah, I know. Shake your mouth.

All right. And he's safe, though, right? No, I'm not safe. Because we could hit an exact or what? We can, no, you can't hit an exact. If he doesn't score here, if I don't score, we could all have a three-way tie here. Right. Okay.

Or. You better find another question. I got you. Okay. All right. What percentage of people visit a mall at least. at least once a month. Oh, man.

That number's changed over time. Right. What year was this poll taken? Yeah, when did you hit the streets? Was it 1980? It was just a few weeks ago. Okay. What percentage of people visit them all at least once a month?

Okay, that's a very interesting. I'm going to wait for me to set the line. You're going to wait for you? Me too. I'm going to wait for you too. Gosh, man. What percentage of people visit a mall at least once a month? I wondered what he's going to chuck.

Sir. I'm, I'm at a loss here, so I'm going to go 50, 50%. About half of the people. Okay. So this is tough because there's a gamesmanship here, isn't there? Sure. Last question, set the line right in the middle. I have, I have written the mine down.

I have two. We can reveal it at the same time. I guess we have to just live with what it is. Go with whatever you believe the truth is. I went lower. I went higher. Okay. We got a game.

So long as it's between 40, no, 45 to 55 percent, I win. 36% Once a month? 36%. Does that mean me and Jason are times? Yes. No, that means you lose, Andy. Oh, no.

Yeah, even better. You are a goose. All right. I'm a goose again. Yeah, that was the worst case scenario. Mike and I are the winners. Well, I really thought more people went to the mall at least once a month. I mean, I was at 30 to 40%.

I don't know the last time I went to a mall. Yeah, I guess that's fair. It's just not the thing anymore. I guess I'm more of a once every six. months. Yeah, I mean, I love going to the mall, and I don't go once a month. Well, and we have nostalgia built in. So if you're like a younger person that didn't grow up in mall culture, dude, you might never want to go. Mals are a shadow of what they used to be. They used to be, the happening place. Can I take this off yet? Yeah, you mean. Not until after the head.

When, well, then I'm going to keep it going. Yeah. When's the last time you guys were at Arrowhead Mall? and like really walked it. A couple months. A couple months. It's just, why didn't I answer that way? Go on. Golly. Like, so many stores are just the same store.

And I'm not talking like the department. I'm talking about, yes. I think there's like six shoe stores. Oh, yeah. The amount of. Infinite hat stores. The pop culture, like where you go to get your funco pops and all this stuff. It's the exact same store.

But there's like four of them. Right. I'm like, what, how are these stores? It must be the only stuff that does survive there anymore. Apparently. All right. I lost. I'm the goose.

Let's move on. The Spitballers Draft. Well, Jason, you have the number one pick. It's a good draft to have the number one pick. Yeah, unfortunately. I win. We are doing the Winter Olympic. No, I got a counterpoint for it.

Okay. Winter Olympics battle royale. The arena has frozen over. Any item used by a winter athlete in the winter. Winter Games, the Olympic Games, is available for drafting in this battle. You do have the number one pick. And I have a biathlon rifle. I got a rifle, guys.

And you guys can't get guns. You hear what I'm saying? I'm saying, I'm going to run away from you and shoot you. That's what I'm saying. Well, you're not going to run. I mean, you got the rifle, but you don't have. It doesn't mean I'm a biathlet and I got to be on skis. Well, what are you going to do?

It's frozen over, brother. Are we in snow or ice? I think we're more in the ice department. I'm just saying you may be slip, slip, sliding. I'll lay down. I'll lay down and sniper use. You really go prone. Your aim will be better anyways.

It's hard to counter-effect the gun, but you will have to reload this thing. If you've seen the biathlon, like there's reloading. I have not. I think there is. Nope. There's not unlimited clips. They're not firing Tommy guns. They fire like five or six shots in a row.

They do? Yeah, because they got to hit a bunch of targets in a row. But it's not like single bolt action. I think it is. Increase. Someone. Would you do a lot of research when you decided you were going to pick gun? I watched it.

You have? Yeah. That's like the coolest event. Those dudes are awesome. They're like skiing and then they just got a gun for some reason. They're like, check this out. Now I'm going to shoot a target on skis. It is the weirdest.

It's so weird. It's such a weird sport. And it's like it's apparently really huge and popular in other countries. Whereas like here it's like a gimmick. Right. Like there it's like. I grew up, you know, to be a biathlete so that I could shoot a rifle on skis. Like so many of the winter Olympics, maybe the summer is the same, but like so many of these events are just, really?

This, like, have you guys seen a curling? No, curling is like. That's a really. It's fun. Yeah. But really? I'm saying, I'm more towards like, you know a skeleton, right? Oh.

Have you seen doubles? Yeah, they do doubles. Why? Yeah, they literally just lay on each other. Wait a minute. Look it up, bro. Wait a minute. Just like a sandwich?

They don't do skeleton that way. They do the one where they do the luge that way. It's not double skeleton. They're not willing to put you on the back. Well, yeah, because feet first. They're just laying on each other. Three first is fine, but double skeleton. We draw the line.

Yes. Why would they just lay? Hey, you know what would make me go faster? Lay down on me. Check this out. It's weird. So you got the rifle. That is the number one pick.

What I'm seeing is they're allowed five rounds in the rifle and they're allowed to carry up to three rounds extra. There you go. So you get eight rounds. Well, you know what? I need two. I'm going to do my, no, you're going to need more because my pick is going to be versatile on this frozen over rink. I'm not going with the hockey skates. I'm going with the speed skating skates and suit.

I'm going to be zipping all over it. And if you've seen the blades for speed skating, they are very thin. They are longer and more dangerous to stab with it. Yeah, for sure. And so I'm going to use it to dodge your five shots. And then while you scramble to reload, I'm coming over. And I'll whap you with a rifle. Just take a swing like a baseball bat.

I'm taking the speed skating. Can I have the suit with the ice? Can I have the suit? I want to be aerodynamic. Really? Yes. All right. Mike allows it. I would let the record show.

You wouldn't have allowed it. Of course not. Do you know why I will allow it, Jason? I know what you're taking. Yeah, that's why I don't want to allow it. No, no, no, no. Why? Because you have a rifle. You did not declare you have rifle and ammo. I was going to say that. I was going to say that. Exactly. We're just making the assumption. Okay, fine.

Well, actually, get out of here. So my first pick. Sir. This was, while biathlon rifle is, that's the right. pick. There's the cool pick. I will take a gold medal, boys. Because when I, when I thwap you in the head and you are gone, when I have vanquished you with my gold medal, hmm, that's a glory play. Also, that is like a, you know, I don't know how large a three inch gold-proof vest. Don't shoot you in the metal. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. It might stop it. Can you shoot through gold?

with a with a bolt action one rifle no one knows probably I don't think I think Batman put one of those things in there from distance I think you would you'd be I'd be right next to him Mike you get another all right and

so with the second big so I got the gold medal I mean it looks how do you do in the cold Jason do you like the cold I actually adore the cold he does thrive he does thrive but I will be bringing some heat

into the cold because you can't kick off the Olympics without the Olympic torch. Nice. So I will bring fire to your ice battle. Now, does it, I mean, I had, I had to do some research because I was, that an item used by a winner athlete now? I was, I was thinking the same thing with the medal. I was, it's right on the fence there.

Yeah, I thought we were going with the sports, but, okay. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a fine with it. I was going, I'm a fine with it. I was going to. You are drunk. I really wanted to take the burning arrow. That was just like the one. Yeah, but it was used in the summer Olympics.

I just say like, they got to run the torch. Do they not do that in winter? I don't think so. Eh, whatever. I don't think so. It's too cold. It's too cold for that fire. I'm going to take the curled.

Fires can't work in the cold. I'm going to take the curling stone. All right. It is 42 pounds of granite. It's just going to be. It is a skull crusher. Like a pinball. It is throwable.

And I just feel like that that will be easily dodgeable. Yeah, when was the last time you threw a 42 pound object? Well, you don't throw it. I can swing it. You slide it. I can swing it. I could probably jump on it and ride like a surfboard. So just back off.

Not with your skates on. Mike is going to be taking the Olympic coverage and the announcers. All right. Back to Jason. All right. Well, I thought I was. going to have to maybe get one or the other, but thanks to Andy with his skates and suit, I am taking the full goalie hockey setup. I have the goalie pads and a hockey stick

in one pick. Thank you, Andy. Very solid. You will not be. He doesn't get the stick. He has two picks. He has two picks. Wait. Oh, he does have two picks. Yeah, that's true. No, I got two picks, but you're telling me I don't get that together. No, no. Okay, but just to be clear. Andy gets the skates. It's just, dude, it's some freaking nylon, man. I don't need it. Take it away if you want. I mean, I just want to look like a speed skater. It's for aesthetics. It's not for protection. That will be both of my picks then, because I'm going to take the armor of the goalie kit,

and I will take a hockey stick to. Okay, so not the goalie stick. Got it. You're taking a regular state. We're actually. Honestly, you're looking at me, and I don't know that. I didn't know there's a difference. Well, that's shameful. A goalie stick is gigantic. Well, then that's the one I'm taking because I'm a goalie. Okay.

Golly stick and goalie. I got, even the headdress, whatever the... It's called a headdress, yeah. The ceremonial headdress of the hockey goalie. Yes. All right, I'm taking... Here my chance. I'm taking a pair of skis.

I can use them for mobility as well. I can all... Because I'm going to eventually take off my speed skating skates and slash... They won't be on my feet anymore. You fall. three times in a row. I can also hit you with a giant ski. Oh, I know. It's more for swinging the skis around. I just watched

on a flight ballerina, the John Wick. Oh, how it was? I haven't watched. It was actually outstanding. I thought it was so good. But there is a scene in there where she does some murder with ice skates. That means some real cool murder with ice skates.

Kids don't do murder. Kids? Yeah, we are... In winter or summer, no murder. These are all just jokes. This show is a joke Mike gold medal Olympic torch The broadcast team still available So I can tell you got a microphone

You could take the Olympic rings obviously And then you can swing those around The podium So Look I could stand up here and have height Yeah I'll attack down on you You got two more picks Cowboy So I will

So we're on ice Some of it's ice Some of it's snow I think it's a 50-50 miss. Okay, whatever. I'm taking a bobsled? That's fine. All right.

Yeah, that's like a big missile. I can jump in this thing. Yeah, yeah. And go straight. And go nowhere. You go straight. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. I can duck down.

This is built for four. And one person in here, I can just lay down from the bullets. Yeah. And then just go, I can just see him zipping back and forth across the rink. Nobody's near him. That's a good pick. And then, I mean, I guess some ski poles? Silver metal.

Some ski poles. I would never. A silver? Embarrassing. Ski poles are great. Ski poles are great. Ask the hockey team with silver if they were happy. I didn't include the ski poles with my skis because I'm a respectable person.

You know what I mean? I don't just get both of them. Right. That would be silly when I took two picks. My final pick is going to be a little bit of a tricky one here. I think it's going to be very helpful. It is going to be the netting from the hockey goal. I'm going to use the netting from the hockey goal to throw it upon you.

side the box to trap you within thy netting and then I will slash you with my skates slash skis. Yeah? Yeah. One skate, one ski. And depending on... Unstoppable. Depending on whether Jason lets me I'll be dressed like a speed skater or a normal person.

Nice. Try getting through my headdress. Not happening. Ceremonial hockey goalie. My ceremonial hockey headdress. Yeah. Good luck. You know, I'm I feel like I don't need anything else between my gun, my hockey stick, and my hockey gear. You shoot a lot with big pads on?

Yeah. Easy. He said, yeah. Yeah, you do. All the time. Oh, Al, you just said the same thing. Yeah. You know, but I might as well grab another shield that I can also use as a weapon.

I'll take a snowboard. Okay. Another thwapia on the back. You're doing a lot of thwaping. Dude. Swapping like crazy. Honestly, like Mike has a bobsled, right? Yeah.

I've got skis and the skates. You didn't really have mobility. I think that was a... You said shield. It's a better pick for mobility. Sure, I'll move around. I can do everything. If this is flat ground, that is not good for mobility.

That's how I feel about your bobsled. What? No, I push that thing on that ice going a straight line. You push it for four inches. No, that baby will glide. That's what we're on the ice, man. Usually it goes downhill. I am almost out of honorable mention picks, by the way.

I don't really have anything. I had it. I did have the starter pistol. Of course you did. Everything an athlete doesn't have. Yeah. Amazing. I mean, it's at the Winter Olympics.

That's sneaky. That would have been a little bit of a little. I also felt, I'm like, well, it's not going to be armed. It's just going to scare you. True. Yeah. It's probably not a real bullet. It's like cover fire.

No, it's definitely. It's definitely not a real bullet. They used to use a starter bazooka. actually no I almost had nothing left at all same so the luge whatever the sled is that they use for the luge

those have like two blades on the bottom of it yeah those are nice but then describing it would have sounded like that yeah I don't is it just called the luge is it a luge? I don't know a luge sled or or a skeleton sled I imagine but I took zambone if I didn't have zamboni I would have gone with the skeleton sled

you took zamboni or I'm sorry not zamboni bob sled If you took only made a good pick He's taking only maintenance No athlete uses a Zamboni They don't Zamboni race I don't need it to be an athlete thing It just said at the Winter Olympics

No it doesn't It says any item used by a winner athlete Oh Well that wasn't what it said when we were Yes it is Yes it is That isn't what was said when we were making our list It was

I just looked it was But I didn't remember it I mean it was I followed the rules I didn't I just was doing Winter Olympic stuff Oh my goodness What did we learn today?

Well, I mean, I'm learning that Jason's not the permanent goose, which I thought he was. Yeah, I'm learning I'm great at that and the Indies. Apparently half of people have pooped in the woods. I call shenanigans on that. You should try it, man. It's a good time. I'm not above it. It's not a good time.

Oh, it's a great time. Really? How's your woods bidet? Well, it's dirt. Yeah. Dirt don't hurt. Put some dirt on it. Goodbye, everybody.

Bye. Thanks for listening to the source. Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.