Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Prison Retreats & Ways to Kill a Spider - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

Spitballers is back and we’ve got another hilarious episode for you. From retiring in prison to a great round of Ballerdash to a how to kill a spider draft, this is an episode you don’t want to miss! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, wow, wow, wow. I'm in. I'm in. I don't know. He doesn't know if this is a wow worthy moment. I'm in.

Whatever you're selling. You are, yeah, you're in because you have. I realize that you have a lot of scats left. I have to do two thirds of the scats for like a year is what it feels like. Welcome into the spitballers. At least the next month, you are. That's why. That was my only break right there.

The world. Rarely not doing the scats. He just stole away the wow for me. I was going there next time. You got to start thinking of what is the next payment that I need. Yeah, we, we need to talk off the show. Yeah, okay. Spitballers.

I might need some stuff. Episode 354, welcome in. Would you rather some baller dash? And we're drafting ways to kill a spider. Jason's favorite draft of all time. 15. Well, I guess it wouldn't be 15. 12 different ways to kill a spider.

I can think of 2000. I was going to say some, maybe we'll come up with something you haven't thought about before. I doubt it. What's your number one, like right out of the gate? Nuclear bomb. Nuclear bomb. Okay.

Welcome into the show. We appreciate you. Al Borland is here. You know how many spiders you? You'd kill with a good amount of them. I know there's a lot of sacrifice, a lot of human lives laws. Yeah.

Al Borland in the building, Papa Josh is in the building as well. We got a great show for you today. You can find us on X at Spitballers Pod. We would appreciate your reviews over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, wherever you're listening. We'll jump right in. Would you rather?

All righty. Let's go. Jason from Patreon writing in. Would you rather be... Wait. No, no, no, no. There's other people named Jason. You're not the only one.

You're not special. You're not in the Truman Show. I'm not special. Okay. Would you rather be a member of the three musketeers or the three stooges? That's easy. Is it? Yeah.

What is that? Of course that's easy. Well, hold on. I got a question. I feel woefully naive on both. Yeah. Well, I have a question for anyone who is well read.

Okay. I guess we'll say. Yeah. Because I can't say well watched because. look, I've seen Mickey Mouse as a three musketeer. No, man in the iron mask. That is that, oh, that is three musketeers. Awesome.

That's Leo. That's Leo DiCaprio. Okay. It is an awesome movie. Is that canon, though? Full canon now. So that's, no, no, no, no. But that's what you're picking because you want to be Leo.

Okay. But here's my question. Do any of the three perish? Maybe. Of the musketeer. We are like literally. Okay. We're literally.

the three musketeers on the show. Can we name all three? Can we name, okay, full stop. Donterius? Can we, can we name the other two that are not named Donterian? Quintarius. I couldn't know, Antonio Banderas. Well, you would have to add it Ian. He's the, Ben derisian. I know so. Do you, dozers, do you guys know any three musketeers stuff? I do not. Not a single clue. Other than chocolate nuket? But you still thought this was a good question to bring up on the show? you thought because they assumed guys we run this is they're like if they don't know we'll know this is pretty easy though I mean because can't okay full stop Jason can you do the three stooges

Larry yeah Larry Moe and Andy no no of course I could have got Larry Moan Curley I know their name okay okay okay we're tell me something young compared to people that found that entertaining though how off it's not entertaining I I literally I don't know why I don't know why I go the other day on my Instagram I'm scrolling Okay. And all of a sudden, an interview comes up with two of these three clowns. I don't know who they are. Larry Miller, Curley, one, two of the three.

No, they're not getting interviewed. They are getting interviewed off character. From their deathbed? That was popular in like the tens. It was obviously a long time. Right? Yeah. That's what it feels like.

When was the three stooges? Is it seriously like the 40s or the 50s? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care. Whenever they were popular, Hitler was an issue.

To me, that's what I'm saying. If it is like the 1960s or earlier, it might as well be the 1,200s. There's no difference to me. 60s is okay. Sure for you. Yeah, back to the future happen. I don't even know if 70s matter. They matter.

I mean, as far as I'm concerned, their only gag was hitting each other, poking each other in the eyes. Yeah. And so I watched this reel where they were describing like, I don't actually poke him in the eyes. I touch him right above the eyes. You're watching a bit. When I grab the nose, I turn and he doesn't, and his reaction is.

There's no way this is real. It was nonsense. It made me respect them even less than the little respect I had. Like that was their like theatrical genius? Yeah. That they didn't really poke each other in the eye. And people loved. I mean, like I know the older generation just, oh, Larry Mo and Curley.

Jason. Oh my goodness. So you, it was simpler back then. Okay, hold on. Wait, wait. Hold on. You are like, I watched an Instagram real. Of an interview.

Of an old video. Of an old, old video. So what if I told you... It was just an old video shown on Instagram. So, uh, the, the original, three original three stooges, we have, uh, Mo Howard, brother Shemp Howard and longtime, Larry Fine. Curly Howard. So the other two had their real names?

Because here's, she was like, I can't go with Shemp. No, here's the important part. Curly Howard replaced brother Shemp who later returned when Curly, suffered a debilitating stroke in 1946. They're not doing Instagram interviews. Of course they're not doing Instagram interviews. Jason watched an AI interview with Larry Mol and Curley. I don't think people are

AI interviewing Larry Moly. No way. There's not a way. This was a real interview. Figure out when they died. I need to know now. This was a real interview between these actors. It was an old grainy. Trust me. There's no way this was AI. It was so boring. Curley died in 1952. Wikipedia. Well, there was more because Wikipedia says they were a... 52, 75 and 75.

A vaudeville comedy troupe acted from 1920 until 1970. Yeah, and then they died. You know, I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you know this. But whenever they were around, whether it was the tens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, whatever. It was the 20s till the 70s. But you know that they were... This will blow your run.

They were recorded on video the whole time. That's why we know that. One of them died in 52. That's all I'm saying. But they're not doing interviews. Yeah. It was like just a news interview. Trust me, this was the most boring thing I've ever seen.

I promise. AI did not be like, let. I don't think it was AI. I think it was one of it was. I'd rather be a musketeer. Of course. Can I answer the questions? Would you rather have swords or or or boink fingers?

No, I think you guys don't know enough about the musketeers. I'm going three stooges. No way. You know. You're saying you know nothing about the musketeers. We're literally made to be three musketeers here. Yeah. Yeah.

No, we're made to be three stooges. Levi from the website, would you rather have to live in a pitch black room for one week? Oh, a darkness retreat? Or live in a super bright room for one month. In both cases, both cases you get food, but you have no interaction with humans. Do I get an eye mask? No. No, obviously not.

Well, I mean, I'm asking. You've got to be under my... Am I wearing long sleeves? You got to be in the light or you got to be in the dark. Am I nude? Yeah. You can't tell. You can't tell.

Well, I mean, I guess you can figure it out. I can't tell when he's in the bright. I don't know if you know, Jason. When I'm in the pitch black, I'm pretty aware of my new. You know whether you're dressed or not without looking. Without looking. Yeah, I actually. Because I'm like, man, do I feel like super ashamed right now?

I'm like, I must be totally new. Is that wind on my nathers? It is wind on my nathers. I want darkness. Do I feel bad about myself and my body right now? Here's the difference. I must be in the dark. If I'm in the complete light, I still can't see.

But maybe people can see me. If I'm in the darkness, no one can see me. I'm in, I'm hitting away. That's a good point. I think the darkness retreat would be really interesting to go through. Oh, man. I get my, I get my food. I'm going darkness.

So in general. Jeremy is saying why can't you see in the bright room? Have you ever looked at the sun? Yeah, if you're in complete. Have you looked at it? This is just a bright room. This isn't like, you can see. It's right.

What are you talking about? It's too bright. It's got to be blinding light. That's a phrase, by the way, blinding light. Yeah, sure. Wait, is that the phrase in the question? It's not used in the question. What you just say?

So is this question you're in the dark for a week or you're just in a normal day? I mean, what kind of question is that? Because you can't sleep with fluorescence on. You'd have to live in a pitch black room for one week. We're living in a super bright room for one month. Just a normal room. I'll choose the normal room. I got to know the, I got to know, because here's the thing.

I could sleep in the light. Andy doesn't even turn the lights on in our office. He needs the door. He is a man of the dark. For the record, when I come into this office and it's not you two, other guys have the lights off. There ain't no light on in the hallway. There's no light on in the dev room.

There's no light on for the producers. I hate it so much. They all live in my world. You're the ones in the weird world. I will say when you come in for that. Because my screen is lit already. When you come in for that, though, you're coming into a room that has all lights off, not some of them on. Well, look, if it was up to me, I'd have them all off.

I just compromise. Why? I don't need them on. My screen is lit. Producers, way in here. Is it harder for you to see you're lit? screen when the lights are off? I prefer to work in a lit

room. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you, Jeremy. I don't like you. That's fine. Of course, is that because you can see other things other than your screen which you have to deal with in life? If I have any objects in the room, do not light up. The only thing that matters is my screen. What do you write?

You're writing notes? You're writing a letter? I walk around. I got to go to the bathroom sometimes. I got to go to the kitchen. Get a water. Be like, I want to look. I'm going to feel my way to the Dearest Dorothy, I'm writing you again today. What are you writing checks? I'm going to start. What are you doing on a piece of paper? I'm going to start lighting a candle so that I could take it with me because you black out our rooms.

You probably wear one of those like night caps. I'm going to need one of those headlamps like a minor. You probably poop outside in one of the outhouses too, old man. You wish I'm a bidet, bro. Listen. A bidet in an outhouse is a funny picture, by the way. I am a bidet in an outhouse. Yeah, yeah.

Because you would have to have someone outside who's just pumping it. Hold up. Hold up. Like a butter turn. New question. There's no electricity. Honey, come out and bidet me. Jim, or die you.

Hit me with a fresh blast. I'm done, Jim. I'm done. Wash my butt. I'm still dirty. Hit the pooper turn. Do the Amish? Wait.

Do the Amish have bidetes? No. Of course not. No. So they could. They can easily have it. That's technology they can handle. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You can pump it. Can the Jews bidet on a Sabbath? No, of course not. That's work. Okay. If it's the pump variety. Now listen, new question. New question, genuine question.

Would you rather? I think you're just like, what's a steam engine? What does that work? Would you work? What do you plug that in? Would you rather? You go on? Have you ever heard of a paddle boat

An outhouse with a bidet Yeah Or just your toilet in your house Oh now that's a question That's a question Because we're all With a bidet baby We're all three bidet bros

Yes And I tell me I get away from my family 20 feet and get bidet But it's cold outside sometimes I don't care Or it's hot I don't care either I will poop out there and stay there

If you told me genuinely this isn't a joke Or a hypothetical This is if my 100 yards away. If my master bedroom had a normal toilet the way that all of you losers without a bidet have in your house. Oh, take it easy. If you don't have a bidet, you're a loser.

I just want you to take it easy. I'll take it easy. If you. On your butt. Uncool people. Thank you. Thank you. Unsophisticated heath.

You can get one for like 10 bucks. Who wipe your butt with paper. W-I-O-B, wipe your own butt. Go on. If there was a normal toilet in my master bedroom. or out in the backyard 10 feet away from my back door. There was a little house and in there was a toilet with a bidet. I would poop in that 100% of the time.

No air conditioning. You live in Arizona. No heater. You might die out there. None. 100 yards away. A football field away from. Do you know how sweaty I get inside?

I'm fine. That's another problem. You are not pooping in an outhouse in Arizona. Arizona in August. That's 150. What is the material? If it's plastic, no. If it's aluminum, no.

But I see this. It doesn't matter. I see this outhouse. If it's any possible material, no. Wood! Wood! A wooden outhouse. I'm going in the wooden outhouse.

Why? What makes, hold on, what temperature stuff is going on with the wood? Wood does seem better than the other two. It does. No, it does not. Oh, you're an idiot. You are an idiot. You don't want to cook your poo in aluminum.

Okay, imagine. Okay. the bidet part of this, just think of a porta potty, right? Yeah, I got it. A plastic bubble of a porta potty. They're always plastic. I've been at a concert in the summer. And I haven't had, oh, we've all gone plastic.

You walk in there, it's 140 degrees inside. I promise you if this thing is wooden slats that are just nailed together, it's not 140 degrees in there. There's no way. Because it doesn't seal in that. What if there are no walls? There are ways for the- What are you basing that off?

No walls. experience. No. Look, you have a lot of outhouse, Wood outhouse experience. I have a lot of experience of being in a hot Arizona world in different materials.

The only way it works is... Wood doesn't conduct and retain. It has to be cement. It would have to be a cement block outhouse. That sounds nice. That's the only possible way. It sounds pretty nice. It sounds pretty nice.

Nice, am I going crazy? A wood outhouse is just as hot as a plastic. No, no, no. I think the wood one would be a little bit cooler. you. It allows some permeation of air. There's still no way Jason's going out there for his dumps. Every single time I'm going out there for my dumps. No, you are not. Do you understand the Badee water will be a scalding 175? All right, new question. The Biday water is Kool-Aid. Would you drink from the Biday? Would you rather do no Biday or your Biday water is cooling? Actually, hold on. No, real question. Okay, what's your question? Real question. You either have no Baday and you wipe yourself. Or it's a bidet and it's

Oh yeah And it says oh yeah It's blue Kool-Aid I would I would use the Kool-Aid every time Yeah no for sure For sure Here's the real question You'd wipe you wash the Kool-A

I'm getting clean and there's going to be a sweet smell That is stickiness Yeah yeah a little bit Let me ask you a two-part question Okay I'm in Are you in Mike a two-part question Let's go That's one part too much

Part one Would you like to have in your kitchen a magic tap, like a bar tap, that has... Cool-Aid? No. Ice-cold, refreshing. Oh, ice cold, that's a big problem. No. You would not. No, I would not. That's just sugar water, man. You're saying because of health reasons? Because of the

repercussions. But you don't have to ever use it. It will always stay fresh. It doesn't matter. Just whenever you wanted... Oh, I don't have to use the delicious ice cold coolade free in my indy would you like one get out of here would you like to have just like I've got a I've got a coolade tap I mean no because it wouldn't be good for me well then my part two is ruined

because you want that my Jason but you're on a health journey my part two do not want free flowing collate in your house part two was if like replace that with Coca Cola it's like just what end me what is the drink you would want on tap

the most not cool it Soda water Ice cold soda water I feel like I'm okay church music IPA Oh that's also a big problem That's a big but you'd love to have that right Ice cold root beer

And you would choose ice cold root beer Ice cold All right we got a new two part question Root beer okay Now that I know that you guys would like to have In Mike's case I'll take the consequences of that An IPA on tap or

your root beer Now let's say that the exact Same quality cleanness and everything came out of your bidet.

It's even easier for me. You just walk into the bathroom and you get your tap is out of the toilet. Oh, okay. The tap basically squirts up out of the toilet. Yes, yes, okay. And it's totally clean, but it's coming out of your toilet.

Would you drink that? 100%. Straight from the tap. What's funny? My mouth is in that toilet. I'm a little like a dog. I'd like to drink before the poop. Not after.

Well, for sure. Preferably, but sometimes before and after will be necessary. Both. Sometimes during. Who knows? Dury. I got to get up just a little bit as I'm thirsty. Oh, it's so gross.

Ice cold? Yes, it's ice cold. And I have to use it to clean too? Yeah, you do. I'm just wondering. Mine at least has alcohol, so it's extra cleanly. Right. No, yours is the right call there.

Straight vodka. Bailey from the website, would you rather be wrongfully convicted of a heinous crime and be sentenced to five years in jail, but the public perception is that you are a beloved innocent man. So you're basically in jail, but everybody's with you. You're going to get out and you're a local hero. Yes.

Everyone knows that you fought a good fight and you had to pay the price for somebody else's crime. Or be acquitted of a heinous crime that you did not commit, but the entire world thinks you're guilty for the rest of your life. Wow. Wait, now, what was the crime that the first? Just a heinous one. No, no, no, the first version.

A heinous one. They're both heinous crime. They're both heinous. Dang. That's the real problem. It's really the specifics of the crime community. Yes, 100%. If you say it's a heinous crime, like I, look, there are different degrees of heinous.

Of course. Of course. The heinous because they ain't us. It cannot be, I cannot be, the world cannot think that I am some sort of, there are some heinous categories I won't get into. Correct. That they cannot believe that I am guilty of. Correct.

But on the grander scheme of things I don't really care is. if people outside my family believe something about me, that isn't true. So on that five years... Like, if you tell me it's fraud, right? Like, I'm guilty of fraud. No, that's not heiress is a long time. No one would say heinous is fraud. Hanous is...

We know what it is. I punched a teacher. Okay. Is that heinous? No. It's pretty heinous. That's not haines. I stabbed a teacher.

That's more heinous. Is that heinous? Yeah. Murder? I stabbed... This is at least a murder. I stabbed an elderly teacher. No, let's just say murder.

Murder. the first degree. Murder? That's extra heinous. Yes. Murder is heinous. We have said on this show. Self defense?

Kids. We're a very don't do murder. We are anti-murder. We always have been. We always will be a don't-do murder podcast. So I'm either, everyone thinks I committed a murder, which, by the way, they're going to respect me a little more. They're going to know that I'm capable of time.

That is true. That is like, if you think I've killed someone, even if I haven't. You guys are overlooking. It's five years. No, I'm embracing. the bad perception of me. Oh, oh, oh. I want the bad perception.

If it's a murder bad, if it's murder or beating someone up or that I'm capable of something that I'm not, I will take that. Yeah. It's like getting the tear drop. Five years is a long, long time, man. Goodness gracious, five years is so long. How long would you serve in prison for a million dollars? For ten. Let me just, how long would you, how long would you serve in prison?

for the Portland Trailblazers. You get the team. Oh, I get the team? You get the Portland Trailblaz. That's not a million dollars. Dude, I was going to say, the amount of time just went way. How long, that's the real question. How long if I got to come out?

How long would you serve in prison today? You walk into the judge. I get an NBA team. You put me in prison for this many years and you get the Portland Trailblazer. You don't get another team. That's the only team you get. 10 years. 10 years in prison for the Blazers?

You're coming out of, what are you like? You're coming out at 53. years old? Yeah. What about a minority owner? No, you're the majority. I wouldn't. You're in the owner's suite. You're the main man. Yeah. I'm getting the profits here and I'm quickly selling this team. You're the Cuban

of the Trailblazers. Oh, man. Jason's on 10 years? I'm 10 years. I'm a decade. And if I got to go longer to beat Mike, I probably will. See, 53. A ball team is, I was thinking about this today. What if we all go into prison? Longest one in gets the Blazers. Okay, hold on. I'll never go out. We got to rewind. We got to rewind because we're throwing out numbers.

We're like 10 years. It's a long time. And you literally just gave Jason's age in 10 years. Yeah, it's old. That I'm, no. No. So you're 53? No.

So you can be the owner for like five or six years? Yeah. No, thanks. Five or six years. I'm on a Jerry Jones's thing. That's true. You could. You will, by the way.

You're going to outlive us all. No. No. no way he lives with that zero dot zero anxiety about anything he's gonna live to 106 i hope and making horrible trades for the blazers oh man that would be great i well i won't own the blazers by then i will i will do something to elevate them quickly and then put them on the market immediately what and try and buy a different one no i'd just take my three billion dollars i would spend i'd spend seven years in prison for the blazers seven so you

I'm a seven. I'm a seven. Yeah, I don't get them. Mike's out. He's like 12 days. I mean, you can talk me into like one or two. What about for the sons? Does that Phoenix? You get the Phoenix Suns. You are the owner of your childhood hometown team. It's not much longer. It's 24 days. It's not much longer. See, the Ducers over here are trying to play up like, oh my gosh, I'm not sacrificing that many years with my family to be rich. Look, there's a number. Wait. If I tell you 30 days for the sons, you're not doing 30 days in prison? I said two years in the chat. So two years, though.

You get to two years. They're like six more months. But hold on. What are you doing? I'm not playing that game because then I'll get there and they'll give me more time. You're right. They will. Are you telling me I can go do two years right now and my family won't talk to me.

Yeah, that's what we're saying? Yeah, that's what prison is? 25 years. 25 years. Yeah. But your wife might be talking. to other people while you're in there. 35.

See, the beauty is... No problem. We already know Mike's family doesn't listen to this podcast. He's in a safe space. You'll never hear that joke. Welcome, welcome to Mike's safe space. 45 years. I want to live in prison.

You're bidding against yourself. I killed someone. 46 years. Officer, I super... Can you imagine somebody trying to really convince an officer you've committed a murder that you didn't commit? Like hardcore trying to convince. And you have no evidence, no motive. Like, I don't know this guy. I can't name this guy. I killed a hell of them. I killed that. I know I just saw this tape up here. Is there a murder in there? Also, officer. Because I did that. On top of that, I was doing the drugs. Which ones? Oh. All of them. And I stole the crown jewels. I was like Jason's is this real life story where the guy was driving recklessly to get away from his wife.

Please arrest me. I don't want to. be with my wife. Dude, I don't, man. I'm not going in. I'm not. Dad is, like, to really, truly imagine it is like,

I don't want to be in prison, man. That freaks the crap out of me. That's just five years is so long. It really scares me. I want to, look, if you want to tell me,

I'm in the, reason I'm not there. If you want to, yeah, it's a really good deterrent. You know what I mean? But if you tell me, I go to Martha Stewart's prison.

From prison? From doing the crime? Martha Stewart's prison seems sick. Oh, man, you got tennis courts and tennis instructors. Nice outfits. Oh, for sure. It basically looks like a boarding school. If there's a, okay, pause.

All right. We invent a place. It's called voluntary prison. I'm listening. Okay. Tell me, but I mean, you've got an uphill battle here, but. There's nothing that they're doing to correct. They're correct.

Right, right, right. No rehabilitation. But you are. stuck. You're stuck there. But protected there. Extremely pleasant. Protected from your family. Wonderfully nice. From your friends. Every room's got a jacuzzi. What? A jacuzzi in the room? Yes, that is correct. Voluntary prison. How big is the room? I've up my offer.

Hold on. 225 years. Wait, I got my own jacuzzi. You do come out with a rap sheet. I don't know. I'm not coming out. That's fine. You think I'm leaving? No, I'm going to kill someone in there. You just said jacuzzi in my room. A prison where you do the crime while you're there? I'm not in prison. I don't have a jacuzzi in my room. We're getting. This is just an upgrade.

What would you do to upgrade every aspect of your life? I'm just describing a luxury hotel. Wait. All right. Oh, no. Wait, wait, like free gym membership? Oh no. We'll take a break.

We'll do some baller dash. Before we jump into baller dash, I just saw the deucers alley. I looked over there. They were shaking their head. And it was a kind of head shake that was like, these guys just keep spitting wisdom. Yeah. Like I haven't thought of that, but that's so smart.

Well, because they're, go to the Deucer's Alley real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at them. Just look. Thank you, Mike. Just look. And they've got, they've got, no, that was them. That's the sound effects that come out of Deutzer's All.

They have to look over here. Now go back to us. Wow. Wow. Yeah, there's a lighting. Wow. It's incredible. That's all you could come up with Jason.

I think it was pretty good, man. Look at those guys. Oh, look at us. Wow. Wow. Mike, go back. Go back real quick. Look at that.

Look at that car. Okay, go back. Incredible. Oh, my. Dude, we're looking good. And those that are listening on the podcast, just imagine something awesome is something bad. Yeah. But the awesome is us.

The bad is good. What time is it? Game time. The guy who's like, I heard the farts. That's awesome. That sounds awesome. Wait, get the camera. Get the camera there.

Wow. All right. I've won the last two baller dashes. You have? What? Al Borland, why don't you describe what's going on? That genuinely seems impossible. It really does because I think I stunk at this game.

Are you sure? I'm sure. There we go. I'm amazing. I mean, I'm 95. Wow. 95%. Okay, I'll take 95%.

All right. Why don't you explain this one to the listeners at home? All right. You were given five prompts from five different categories. Those categories are. a weird word, a notable person, an acronym, a movie plot, and weird laws. And you guys are trying to trick your co-hosts with your own made-up definitions or answers to these. If you guess the correct answer, you get two points.

And if an opponent guesses your answer, you get one point. Sounds awesome. Let's go. I guess I'm really good at this. Let's begin. All right. We're going to start with that weird word, and that word is Seagoglund. What? God bless you. Seagoglin. So goggling is that crooked or tilted? Okay, hold on, hold on. I got to write these.

Okay. Dilted. Jason's writing nothing. He's just putting on fake arms sleeve tattoos. What are you doing? What are you doing? Nothing. Don't worry about it.

Putting on. I just want to go to the deuceers cam. Go to the juicer's. Look at them. All right. Come back. Come back. Go back.

Go back. Oh, look at this. Wow, you're so cool. All right. Jason, you know you can go get tattoos. He might, dude. Be careful. I'm getting close. Dude, I will go with you.

He can get them in Turkey. All right, let's go. All right. Crooked. So we had crooked or tilted. Is Seagoglin. Can we spell that, by the way? Sure.

C-R-O-O-K-E-D. That is crooked. Seagaglin. S-I-G-O-G-L-I-N-Sagland. Okay, that's made up. All right, go on. Is that a Swedish term for bobsleding. Okay, Bob sledding.

Is Sagalin the state of being cross-eyed? All right? I like that one. The first one was crooked, right? Yeah, crooked or tilted. And lastly, the feeling suddenly uneasy for no clear reason. Sagoglin. Well, I'm not really confident.

I can tell you right now. I cannot tell you which one was. Crooked? Bob sledding. Bob sledding? Swedish term for Bob sledding. Cross-eyed? or uneasy.

But you have to get into the Swedish chef then. Smurgy Burger, Segogling. And it's Seaggoglin? That's sad. That kind of passes. Yeah, it kind of works. Man, that's a tough one. I think I'm going to go. I think I'm going to go bobsleding on that one.

I'm going to go with it. I'm going to go with the Swedish. So we're starting with Andy. So Mike, you go, and then we'll just... You'll be first next time. Andy picked the one I didn't want him to pick. Does he pick mine? Because that's what you were going to go with? Because it's, it's,

sounds good. All that matters is points, brother. You can come along with me. On the right answer, you can pick the wrong ones. Swedish bobsled, cross-eyed, or uneasy. Do-to-do to-do-do. Come, there's, we, here's the problem. Because it's the one I wanted to pick. If I pick it, Andy, and it's Jason's answer. Yeah, but it's, you just got to go with the right one.

Okay, I'm going bobsled. I was hoping that you would not. I was going to go crooked, but. You don't want to be left behind? I know I wasn't bobsled. Andy, therefore, wasn't bobsled. I don't trust. Or did he just play us like a fiddler?

If he played us well, I'm going to bobsled. I'm going bobsled because I know it wasn't me. Obviously, I know it wasn't Mike. Did you play us, Andy? Andy played you like a play. Yeah. Was it crooked? Was it crooked?

Crooked was the correct. I did it. I mean, we knew beforehand. I took my shot. That's nicely done. Oh, my gosh. I've never done it before. That's nicely done.

Wow. Gosh, darn it. I played the game and lost. Boi, do we, do we, do I pee. All right. Andy gets one point from each of us.

I'm mad at all of you. I'm so happy. Andy is starting out with a two zero lead. That was mine. So stupid. I thought you messed up. I know. He looked at me and I think the look was,

do you remember that was yours? I think that's what the look. was dead no i played it i played it like a fiddle all right we're going to move on to the notable i'm picking mine here on out good luck even when i'm last is that notable per i'm sorry that notable person is jim priceman jim priceman price man all right was jim priceman a repeat game show contestant eventually banned for cheating okay all right that's funny because price man i don't think that's right Was Jim Priceman the first American to invest in the Panama Canal? What was this? Van Halen?

All right, Panama. Was Jim Priceman known for finding $37.1 million and returning it to the proper owners? So Priceman has built him to all of these. The name Priceman. He was an investor in a canal. The Priceman? That's a good deal. That's true.

I'm the Priceman. Oh, I got kicked off the game show. I'm the price man. I know them. 37.5 million. I'll return it. I'm the price man. Well, let's get to the last one.

Was Jim Priceman, the Detroit Auto Kingpin that owned the most card dealerships of all time? I'm the price man. Well, this is a. Come on down to see the price man. Those are all money. Yeah. I don't start this one. You don't have to go.

Mike starts this one. Game show. Wow. So there was a repeat game show. Game show, Panama Canal, the 37.5 million. Or the car auto? Who's the Detroit Auto? The Priceman.

All right, Mike, you got to lead the way. No way. It's one of these. It's one of these. It is. It's so stupid. No way. I'm the price man.

Jim Priceman? Jim. Yeah, Jim Priceman. His mother called him James. Come on down. All right. James Priceman. Jim.

Oh, my gosh. I know what I'm going. Game show, Canal, dollars. Auto. Gotta make a call, Mike. I know, but it's impossible. Got to step up to the plate. Like, this is the biggest decision of his life.

Yeah, because make a call, brother. I'm down to zero right now. All right. Just don't guess Andy's. Whatever Andy says, don't do that. Because here's the problem, Jason. You don't know? No, no.

Why? That's number one. Step number one, I don't know. Step number two. He was just reviewing them, and he only listed three of them. Oh. Tell me which one. No, no, no.

You shut up. No, he listed three. He listed three. Which ones did he list? He listed one, three, four. One. And I don't know if that's a shredding. You did not.

I said game show canal, dollars auto. That's exactly what I don't think he did. I don't think he did. I'm not, I'm not listening to you on Andy's games because you got that wrong. You play your game show. Detroit. I'm going the car man. I'm going Detroit with Jason.

All right. Detroit was Mike's answer. Oh, dude. and game show was Jason's answer. Okay. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. Mine was canal. Yeah. The one he didn't list. Oh, Mike was right. No, I heard it. Mike was right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we're paying attention now. You can't check the tape. All right. I have no idea if he said it or not. I definitely said it. If not, it was coincidental. But that's fine. All right. We're going on to the acronym. Wait, wait, hold on. The answer was the, he gave the $37 million. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. The correct answer was he found.

37.1 million dollars and returned it to the proper owner. 2-2-1? Yeah. Okay. May and Mike with two points? Thank goodness. We're back. That is correct. We're Jason also with the, we're back. We're back. We're back. We're so back. It's anybody's game. We're moving on to the acronym, which is CQC. Okay. Is CQC? Culinary Quality Control. Boring. Seems viable, though. Is it continuous quality check?

Boring. Is it central quantifying centrifuge? To in depth. That's Jason's. Or is it Citizens for a Quieter City? Crap. Jason gets to pick this one first. I'm going citizens.

Culinary. I hated the first three. Quality check. Centrofuge. I liked mine. City. City. Give me those four again real quick.

Culinary quality control. Okay. Continuous quality. check. Central quantifying centrifuge. Citizens for a quieter city. Citizens for a quieter city. That's mine. Give me culinary. I'm taking culinary. Okay.

Mike's got a final choice. Jason picked his own for sure. He's trying to play the card that I play. I'm going. The continuous quality control. All right. Mike just took Jason. Thank you. Gosh, darn it. Andy took Mike. And what did I get? And Jason got the correct

answer. Yeah. No. I'm playing this game to win, boy. Are we all tied or is he ahead? No, no, he's ahead. Yeah. I'm in last now. 4-3-2. So Jason with 4, Mike with 3, Andy with 2.

What a loser. Yeah, you got me good. Thank you. I think it's the tats, man. I'm turned up like a pretzel right now, man. I have no idea what's right or wrong. I'm looking good with tats. I'm getting sleeves.

Can you go to sleep for sleeves? Actually, you can now do that. Sweet, because I'm a baby. A guy died doing it. That's, but he didn't know. It was just one. He did not know. Oh, no, no, he was asleep.

He went to bed. He didn't wake up. Yeah. That's the way to go, man. I'm either awake. Every man dies. So I went from last, from first and just super sick. That is correct.

Or I'm not waking up. Two more. All right, we're moving on in the movie plot. Gosh, darn. And that movie title is Greaser's Palace. Spell that. All right. Is the plot of Greaser's Palace, a Greek, I'm sorry, a Greek mob boss with everything to lose

battles obesity. Okay. Please. All right. Please. Is it a rundown hangout gains a reputation as a palace mostly because no one can agree

who's in charge of it? All right. Okay. Boring. Is Greaser's Palace, a zoot-suited evangelist performs miracles with his boogie-woogie act? Okay.

Okay. All right. Or is Greaser's Palace two street gangs meet in a 1950s showdown for control of the town square? Number two, rundown. Locking. Okay, hold on. Greek.

I'm the first picker. Well, I wrote. Greek mob boss, rundown hangout, zoot, and the two street games. I can reread anything if you need it. I'm taking the rundown hangout. Jesus. Yeah. I was not going to.

But if he, if he did it twice. If he does it again. I will say this. I'm not voting for that one, so he's not going to be able to do the triple up. Something Greek, something hangout, something. something. Mob boss, run down,

Zoot Suit, street games. You picked which one? Mob boss, Run down, Zoot Suit Street games. Andy locked in the Rondown,

hangout. Rondown hangout. I'm going with the rundown hangout. I think I'm not looking at any of it. I think I'm going to take Andy's. But I loved the fat mob boss.

That was my favorite. But I'm going to go with the evangelist. Because I don't think any of us would say that. All right. Is that final? Zutsuit suit. Are we good? All right.

Jason just picked the correct answer. The suit suited evangelist. And then what did those two pick? They both picked your answer. Boom! The tats work! That's a four point? Oh my gosh.

Can I even lose? I don't even think Jason is double points in the last round? Not normally, but we can audible. No, we don't audible. Jason won then. On the winner. Jason won. We're still going to find out by how much.

Yeah, Jason is currently up eight to three to two. This is an electric. Electric round of ball or douche. Especially, I don't know if you recall, but his, His last one, he got just ridiculed for how bad his answers were and how easy they were to identify. Yeah, it wasn't my best. I had to come strong today. And you have final answer?

Yeah. Yeah. Final answer is yes. Yeah, after the round is over. Yeah, that he's done very, very well. We're going to move on to the weird laws. What are you saying? I think he was saying final question.

All right. Weird laws in Simsbury, Connecticut. It is illegal for a politician to. I've lived there for three years. Oh, shoot. true? No. I've known you your whole life. I can't believe I even ask that. Wow. I met you when you're two years old here in the valley. When did you live for a couple

of years? In Simsbury, Connecticut, you said a very convincingly. You got me. All right. In Simsbury, Connecticut, it is illegal for a politician to shake hands with voters on Sunday. Okay, Sunday shake. It is illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump. At the dump? Okay.

It is illegal for a politician to accept campaign endorsements while wearing a mink coat. Okay. That's bull-larky. It is illegal for a politician to go door-to-door soliciting votes. Door-to-door. Oh, man, that better not be the answer. Because that seems reasonable. Sunday handshakes at the dump.

Dump. With a mink coat. Yes. And then door-to-door. And you're the pick, Mike. And I want to beat you. because Jason's already got it. Okay. So Sunday, you can't shake hands.

Can't do it at the dump. Can't do it in a mink coat. You can't do it in a mink coat and you can't do a door to door. Goodness gracious. I'm going to go Sunday handshakes. This feels too, like I feel like the game wouldn't be this stupid. But I'm going to go to door to door votes, door to door votes because you shouldn't be able to go door to door soliciting votes

in my opinion. Why not? It just feels dirty. What? I'm going Sunday. Sunday handshakes. What just happened? What just happened? Yeah, I tied with you. Tell me I got the right answer. Mike and Andy just chose Jason's answer. Yeah, they did. I am a defeatable! And then Mike chose Andy's answer.

Yes, you did. We tied Mikey. Wait, that puts Jason at 10 and Mike and Andy both at three. I chose Andy. Right? Yeah. Oh, that's what I'm sorry. Yes. I was the door to door. Okay. You mopped the floor.

Ever since you put on your fake tattoos, you mopped the floor. I needed some ink in my veins. The door to door. So the door to door was the right answer? No. No. That was Andy. Wait, what was the right answer?

The correct answer was campaign at the town dump. That's better. Wow. All right. We're moving on to the draft. We make laws. The spitballers draft. Before we actually.

do that. I just want to point out there was a town in the United States that they were setting boundaries and rules for political discourse. And the dump was the place to do. And they're like, here's where we draw the line.

The dump. Yeah, the dump was the place to be there, man. That's where everyone hung out in old Sillsbury, Connecticut, or wherever it was. Which leads me to ask, what happened at that dump? I think they threw away All sorts of stuff, man.

That's where all the teenagers went. What happened? Teenagers always went and they were parking at the dump. No, I'm saying there was some voting stuff that went on in that dump. Yeah, there was. That a story that will never be told. That dump was off the chain. Ways to Kill a Spider.

We're drafting ways to kill a spider. Mike, you had the scat. You got the first pick. And there we go. I mean, there's only one. There's spiders. It's a problem. for some of us.

Sometimes we're just like, hey, there's a super chill spider over there. Yeah, let's kill it. And I'm, well, I'm like, hey, I'm just, you just do your thing, spider. Yeah, be a spider. Yeah, you just do your thing. Hang out. But then there's the memes. There's only one way you kill it with fire.

Yeah. You must. Yes. You must. And that's like, you must kill it with fire. Yeah, fire. Fire. Just kill it.

Whatever. We let your house on fire. People have blow torches. People just have blow torches. Yeah, yeah. Collateral damage. People just have blow torches. People just have them.

Culinary blow torches. That's fair. Sometimes the collateral damage. You ever done it with just like one of those little... Which, I mean... Trigger lighters, though? It's real slides. I would never get that close.

No, that's true. But I mean, like, speaking of collateral damage. Shout out to the 80s and 90s, where we understood, like, in movies that that was like... This is part of a movie. Shout out to the 90s where collateral damage was an awesome movie. Thank you. Thank you, Jason. Also, you kill the spiders with fire.

Also, you know what has more fire than just fire? A nuclear bomb. I'm taking a nuclear bomb. It should have been the 101, but if I knew that there was spiders, I would take a nuclear bomb, whether it's a suitcase bomb, drop from a plane, preferably from a plane, because I think I want to be as far as possible. I'm taking a nuclear bomb for spiders. I did not understand the draft.

I thought we were just trying to kill a spider. I am just trying to kill a spider. This is a bad spider, Mike. But Jason's view of a spider, it's a little elevated in his mind. Here's what the truth is. I don't have access to such things as nuclear bombs. Therefore, when I see a really heinous spider, I'm not going to nuke it. If I had access to a nuclear bomb where I could take me and the spider out so I don't have to deal with this, probably.

You'd nuke yourself. You got to do what you got to do. I'm going to go with a very classic method of spider killing. It's the boot. The shoot. Yeah, yeah. It's not the shoe. It's the boot.

Okay, thick shoe. Watch yourself. Okay, I got you. I'm getting the boot. I understand the difference. I'm stomping it with a boot. Boot is extra protection up to the knee almost. From the spider poison.

Jeremy's note. I am collateral damage for Jason. Yeah, no, a boot. I was between fire and the boot. Just a good old fashion. Just a boot. A stop. And then I'm going to just go with another true classic.

Look, I'm not going to get too. nuclear on the spider right now. I'm going to go pretty traditional. I'm a poison this thing. Okay. Just like a poison. Just a bug spray of some. Okay. Sprague. Sprague. Bug spray. Yeah. Bug spray. Yeah. Poison. It's poison. It's their allergic to poison. Also. Everything's allergic to poison. The spiders are allergic to poison. Turs out. I'm allergic to poison. That's right. Okay. So that's bug spray. Because that was on my list. What do you think it is? Poison.

Jason, it's not just a glass bottle with a skull on it. You're like, yeah, it's poison. It's not a vat of 100 gallons in a yellow container. There are lots of critters and bugs and ants and things like that that that you put poison like down on the ground and you wait and someday they will come and get it. It's not for dears. That's what I'm saying. Like this is not like a little capsule that you put down, you know, drop some poison on the ground. You're saying you, like, when you see the spider, you take a can of raid and that's what you're getting.

I just, yeah. Because that's high on my list. That gives me enough distance where I can do it. Hot shot. Sure. It's good stuff. I'm poisoning them. We know what bug spray is.

Yeah, man. We know what poison. But of course we know what bug spray is. He didn't draft bug spray. He drafted poison. He didn't draft the apple from Snow White, Jason. He drafted. We know what he took.

All right. We're good. We're good. We're good with poison. We're poisoning There's no, Mr. Josh, Josh is pointing out Poison normally needs to be ingested.

That's my point. What do you think the spider's doing with the poison? No one calls it spray poison. No one, you know what? I'm back on my high horse here. This is not, you drafted poison, not bug spray. Because bug spray is...

Well, no, I described it as bug spray. But that's... What do you think is good for him? Hold on, hold on. It's good for him? What are you going to take? What, well, it's not my turn. It is now?

Wait, what did you take, Mike? Fire. Do you know how the draft? What show number are we on? 354. 354. You're confused. All right.

If I'm just going on, I'm going to take a sticky trap. Okay. That's fine. Slightly less severe than a nuclear weapon. Slightly less severe, but also I don't have to be around it. I don't have to know that it was ever there. Sure. Thicky traps.

I know that it will grab these heinous spiders and trap them inside. The best part is how slow they die. I know that there's a morbidity to it. I forget that this show was the show where we had Peter reach out to us. Not this episode. But on spitballers, they reached out to me. Who's Peter? Peter.

He's from Hunger Games. Yes. About like, oh. The problem with sticky traps is you will catch things you don't, you'll be really sad you call. I will never look inside that sticky trap in case there's a spider. Will you? Never, ever, ever. Don't tell PETA, but I've caught lizards before.

I have, super sad. I have my pest guy. A gecko? A gecko? Oh, if you've caught a gecko now, I'm sad. Yeah, man, it's super sad. Wait, aren't gecko is big enough to just like carry the trap off with them? You could catch a bird on accident.

With a sticky trap in your house? I don't really know. I'm making that up. I'm making that up, brother. I'm making it up. My pest guy. My pest guy puts out the traps and removes the traps. I never look in them.

I never want to see in them because there was one time at your cancer. cabin, Andy, where I looked inside of a trap that was on the ground and there were whole big potter in there. Yeah. The only thing that I'm happy about, and I think this is the only thing that Peter and I would agree on is that when I looked at, I knew

it died slowly. Well, you and you wanted to keep me, you both agree. Great joy. That spider tried, died a horrific slow death. What we cannot agree on is if that is good or bad. Right, right. You, yeah, that's what I'm saying. But we both agree.

Long, slow death Happened. Stuck via starvation. Yeah, yeah. Sticky trapped. Also, like, demons deserve poor. Okay, look, Peter's on the show. It's too late. I'm sorry, Peter. Our insects are a different lineage than animal.

It's not an animal. Correct? I mean, I do. My wife has taught me to really like and respect the spiders that do not, pose a threat. Yeah, yeah. And I've learned to live with those spiders. I'm down. You got to, you got a web up there and you're taking out mosquitoes?

Peter? We're BFF. If you are a threat. Oh my God. If you're a threat to me. A web? I just Googled our spiders animals and I didn't think. Oh,

you didn't think you would get an image of a spider. What was the answer, though? The answer was spider eyes and spider legs and spider bodies and death and nastiness. You're back to the nukes. Oh, yeah. 100% back to the nukes and I want to be on the nuke when it goes. I want to ride

the nuke. I mean, I can picture Jason. He walks up to a spider with a one of those strap-on dynamite chest like an old bank robber. Like a strap-on bomb. Like a 1980s movie. I'm going to blow it up. Yeah, he'll do it. I'm going to be

Steve Buscemi riding the nuke. Yep. All right, Mike, you got two picks. You've already killed a spider with fire. Yeah. Okay. That's... Poor spider. That's... I mean, it's a strong, it's a strong start.

It's a great start. So I have... Legendary. I have... I mean, we'll just go with it. Because you know what? There are many aspects of my life where... Your boy is not a grown man.

Sure. We all have those spots. I don't have any that aren't. You don't have any of them? All of my spots in life are I'm not a grown man. Okay, okay, okay. A slap. Come on, guys.

Oh, my God, with your hand? Your bare hand? That's a man move. With my bare hand. That's not a man. Spiders don't bother me. I'll just, I slap.

One of mine is squish with a finger. Squish with my finger. Blah, blap. Spiders gone. Yeah, spider's gone. Because if you do it real quick, that spider is now gone. They don't do nothing to you. They go.

They go. They're really small. Yeah. And their bodies go. The majority of them cannot hurt you. Yeah, they're just goo after that. So, yeah, you do have to watch spider go off your finger. I'm taking that.

I'm taking that. Just a quick hand. And you know what, Jason? You may look at that with some grotesque reaction. If a spider's on, you guessed what you're hitting it with? He's not. He's not. If a spider's on you, no, his shirt is off.

He's using fire? No, he's. The amount of vibrations and movements in my body just had so quick. That spider will be on the floor. You got one on you! I will never run a faster 40 in my life than when I see a spider on my body. It will still be on you, dude. It can hang on. I will be 40 yards away.

All right. Fire and a slap, Mike. Okay. And then maybe it's, maybe I have a little bit more time. You know, it's sitting there. I don't happen to have my flame thrower, my home. Of course. Yeah, that thing is. It's not, it's not crawling on me. And you just, you just, you just wanted to go, you just grab that bug zapper, guys.

Oh, I love the bug zapper. The tennis racket, bug zapper, you just turn it on, you slowly lower it, and you go, pop! Yeah, bug zappers on the list, man. Yep. Bug zappers on the list, Jason, you are back. I was going to take it. That was my pick. Nuclear weapons and a sticky trap.

Can we find something between the two? Nuclear weapons and we kill it with something else. Oh, gosh, I got to find two more. Look, I know my next pick, so you can't say it yet. Okay, all right. Because this is my preferred method in real life. I know exactly what it is. good. I think you're probably right,

to be honest. And it's thick. Bug sprays are too close. It's thick. It's big. It's big. It's Jeremy. Oh, is it really? Yeah. Oh, did you just say it's big? It's Jeremy? I said it's thick. It's big. I mean, he was, I was going

Jeremy, and he said it's thick. It's big. So I had I thought it was a book, man. Not a human. Oh, man. No. It's denser than that. I have been I have been in other cities and had Jeremy drive to me No. Across cities. No, you are a baby.

To protect me and my family from monstrous demon spiders. I remember this. You had a spider in your car. Yes. You pulled over and he had to come kill. Jeremy stop enabling this baby. No, no, no. He's a big, big baby.

You're not going to make a difference. Freaking John Snow showed up. That's right. Whatever his name was. Yeah, some guy showed up off the side of the road, grabbed him with his hand. Yeah, because it's a spider, man. Yeah. See, it can be done.

I got my final two picks. I got one standard, one wild card. Okay. Standard's going to be a fly swatter. Nice. Nice. Nice. It's a classic. Gives me some distance. I go whip it. But my little wild card, my fourth pick, so I got fly swatter for my third pick. Which, fly swatter, far more practical than the bug zapper.

Absolutely. I'll be honest with you, Peter, earmuffs. The bug zapper We use Peter, don't listen All the time for nats We've got a nap problem And so we've got like the

Interesting The little zapper It's the only fruit flies? Yeah, yeah So you just turn it on and you're just gonna go Yeah, you just waggle And it pops Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

All right. I don't use it on flies Because It takes like three times. Oh, they don't get So spiders I might not get them the first thing. Exactly.

If you get a fly Good with it once, it's fine. Yeah. But it's just, it's, you have to go slower because you don't want to. A fly swatter is great. Fly swatter. Done. My, my fourth pick is wild card. I'm releasing a lizard. Okay. I'm releasing a lizard to go eat this spider. I like, just a predator. Have you ever? You'd rather have a lizard in your house, wouldn't you? I would much rather have a lizard. I will, I will breed lizard,

lizards if I can get rid of spiders. Have you seen like there's, there's, every once in a while a video will go around is viral of like someone will have a big bug on their, ceiling and they'll just have like a like a chameleon or something pet and so they slowly raise the lizard up. Oh and then it goes, dude it's sick. With his tongue? I've seen that one. They hold it up to the ceiling.

It's awesome. And it just zapped, it grabs the yeah, that's a good one. I don't see Peter getting mad at them. At the lizard? Yeah. No, Peter is, he's just mad at us. Peter is irritated. Jason, you've gone nukes, a sticky trap, another person

you got to close it out. Now I want to say this before you pick and you don't have to pick. I pick Jeremy. You picked Jeremy. Not another person. But the thing is is that when like 20 years ago you told me this story, there was a spider in your house, you had young kids, you had to face your fears because no one else wanted to deal with it. You had to protect your family. And I believe, and I'll bridge this story. Jason put on armor. Yes. Like, like, like, like, Knight's armor. Can I describe it to you? And then you grabbed a book that was Shakespeare's works, all of them, in like a thousand point font. So it's a huge book.

Gigantic. Bigest books. And he went running at the wall with the armor on. It wasn't just a wall. It was the Arcadia sliding glass door. Oh, was it? And it had a drape in front of it. So I had to, I almost, I almost shattered that door.

It was on the drape in front of the glass. And you went out of it with the Lifetime Works of Shakespeare? I had goggles on. I had the, you know, the giant yellow rubber dish gloves that are like up to your elbows. I had those on. I went and changed into full sleeve shirts. I remember this story, man, boots, socks up. You manned up.

You're darn right I did. Sometimes a dad has to protect his children. And so I went and after a quick 15 minutes, I was ready for war. And I found this book and I ran at it and I switched it. Hero stuff. Truly a hero. Truly a hero. Did you get it?

Yeah. No, I did. That thing was... Did you confirm? Other people did. I ran. So what's your fourth pick? Are you going to works of Shakespeare?

It's in consideration. Part of me is... So I'm considering moving. That's definitely up there. Like just... How do you kill a spider? You move. You...

I hope it died. For sale. With kindness. Yeah. Kill it with kindness. Man. This is going to be... So I've got a bunch of different things I could grab.

Some are funny. A knife. A machine gun. I already took a nuclear weapon. I think I'm good there. Spear is the best weapon ever made. But it's too fine point I would worry about missing. I do often worry about missing a spider.

That's my biggest fear when I go out of a spider. I get it. One time I tried to with a piece, like a plastic container on the end of a pole, capture a bug. Oh, that's a bad idea. And when I pushed a... Capturing is always a bad idea. You don't want to capture. You want to kill.

Yeah. Peter. I would say the tool I probably use the most. The problem with Peter is he wants a black widow to kill my family. That's the problem with Peter. Everything's fun in games. Tell the black widow. Until a black widow kills my family.

And when I'm dead, Peter, I hope you visit my grave. Oh, they hope it does. They won't. They won't. He'll bring a bunch of black widows for your group. He'll bring a bunch of fundraising letters to your... I will say, I'm just going to go with what is true.

Probably my most used killing machine for spiders. Okay, let's hear it. It is very similar to a spear, but it is hundreds, if not thousands of spears. It's a broom. Oh, broom is a great pick. No, wait a minute. There is a problem. Brooms going to take care of the killing part, not just the brushing away part where it's alive.

Here's what my father taught me when I was young. Let's hear this. Here's what my father taught me when I was young and I didn't believe him. Okay. But it's happened enough times that I know it is true. Is the dad that uses the bubble mirrors? Go on. This is the dad that uses the bubble mirrors.

He told me, this is when I was a little kid. He probably doesn't even remember this. I remember this because I'm so scarred by spiders. But that basically a broom, and I'm talking about the one, not like a big push broom. You're talking about your house. It looks like it's, standard broom. It looks like it's, hey, it's got the end of it. No, hey, but it's got the angled, you know, like...

Okay, yeah, I got you. It's basically like thousands of spears to the spider and that it'll just go right through him. He lied to you. He didn't. He might have been lying, but he was accidentally correct. Because I have found that if you go straight on, not, you don't whap it from the top. No, no, no, he's saying point. Like a spear.

Like point forward. The Brussels. This is why I said he lied. The Brussels out. But just so I know. Bristles? First of all, bristles. It's not Brussels.

We're not in freaking Denmark. This is a forward stabbing motion. A forward stabbing motion. Also known as pushing the broom. Yes, but when you push a broom,

a lot of times you think about sliding. Sorry, we're not in Belgium. You think about sliding. You say pushing a brew, but you're pushing it across the floor. I want to tell you something right now. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing the sliding. Most spiders don't care about what you're doing to them.

That's not true. I'm taking the bristles and I'm stabbing. He's just stabbing with the bristles. Because where are spiders almost always when you see them? Not always, but almost always. They're in a corner. They're in a crack. They're on the wall where the floor meets the wall, where the ceiling meets the wall.

Every spider you've ever done that, too, is alive inside that brood. Yep, yep. Check your brooms. Don't you say that. There's a colony. Don't you say that. Do not say that to me. Do not say that here in my house.

No, you've got a little soft little broom. I've got a thousand spear broom. You brush them into a new hole. Your broom. Yeah. You've killed them with a, with thousands of spear broom. You're like, hey, do you want to go to a soft little bit of a spear broom? You're like, hey, do you want to go to a spider resort?

Where there's free amenities? You want to live in between these bristles? When I buy a broom, I ask Chad GPT. There's probably hundreds of other bugs just living here for you to eat. That's the most spear-like bristles. That's hard to hit them with, too, by the way. That's a narrow. It's narrow little fake spears.

I am afraid of them, and I hit them all the time with this. They're in a corner and you just whop and they're gone. They disappear from the earth. I don't want to say this. They're guts. They're not guys. I don't want to make you mad, but you have thousands of spiders in your house. It's a transportation device.

When I hit them with it. They are to your pantry. They're in your pantry right now. They're probably in your food. I don't want to tell you that. Fire, a slap, a bug zapper, Mike. One final pick for you before we say goodbye. That's a macho man, Randy Savage.

Elbow drop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were going with a slim gym. A slim gym. A slim gym. Dude, either of those hard to be accurate with. I know, but this is the glory play. That is in front of the family?

Oh, that's six. Of course. Elbow drop a spider? Can I ask you guys a genuine, not a joke question? No. If your question is, have I ever actually elbow dropped a spider? I know the answer. I've made it up.

Yeah. I've made it up for the show. No, this is a real. I haven't actually done it. This is a real question. Because this happened, this happened basically over the last week, two things happened and it made me actually question whether I could could or would do something. So two weeks ago, a.

very large spider was crawling across our floor. Give me the type. It was, I think it was a daddy long legs. Wolf spider? It was not a wolf spider. I would be dead right now. No, no, no. It, it, it really long. It matters for the story. There was a really big daddy long legs that I've never seen crawl. Like, I've never seen them crawling on the floor.

The funniest name of a spider. It's awesome. But it was, what are we doing? It was crawling faster than, like, it was just on the move. It was like, I got places to be. I got a date tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was moving. And I saw it. Caffeine. And the easiest thing in the world, I had shoes on.

It was the easiest thing. I could have gone. Boots or regular? Regular shoes. I was just checking. But I could have gone and stepped on this thing and not broken a sweat. I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

I ran. I got my wife. Because of the scariness. Yeah. And then she couldn't do it. And then like an hour later, she finally stepped on it because she. Didn't want to live like that.

It's tougher than me. Then I, since that day, I kept thinking, I think the right move is, the second you see one, before your brain, for me, can, can, like, really truly catch up to it's a spider. I'm super afraid. This is, I feel like the right move is the second you aren't unsure. If it's a spider, if it's not, just go step on it. Like, that's the answer.

Yeah. Before your brain can register it. So this was like last night or the night before. I was sweeping the kitchen. I just cleaned the kitchen, done the dishes. So you have your ultimate. I have my ultimate weapon. But the weapon is for the corners.

And I wanted that clear. The broom does not work on flat surfaces as well as in a corner. In a corner, you could push it into the corner and murder it. But I was barefoot in the kitchen. And it turned out it was just a piece of fuzz. Okay. But did you get it? But I thought, did I get it?

Did you get it? I didn't. I was scared, but I thought about getting it. My question that is genuine. My question about it is genuine is, would you be? would you guys barefoot step on a spider?

Like you need to kill a spider that's we just whatever the reasons are you establish I have to kill a spider would you guys do it barefoot and step on it and kill it yes I want to say yes

but I'm an easy yes I know if I didn't have a shoe on I'd be looking for something to hit it with yeah so if I really had to yeah if it was poisonous Mike is the one who chose slap yeah I can't do the skin Spider-on-skin doesn't work.

All their venom and poison. Spider-on-skinned. Spider-on-skin. Spider-on-skin. What did we learn today? Look, I learned that Jay-Sk's got a lot of spiders still living in those brooms, baby. He's got a lot of spiders in those brooms. I learned that tattoos make you smarter, baby.

I sleeved up, and I owned on Ballardash. Yes, you did. And I learned that we're, we are very uneducated about the three musketeers. What did they do? What are you talking about? Grumpy. You're talking about ethos, porthos. Oh, that's yes.

And ethos and barthos. Catch you next time. Bartholomew. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.