Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Prostate Ladders & Best Curse Word Alternatives - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

Yeah the title pretty much says it all. The absurdity continues on another new episode of the Spitablelrs. We kick things off with some very strange Would you Rathers, before tackling Decisions of Extreme Importance. An alternative curse word draft brings the laughter home. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Smithballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Boutababab bow, bough. Did you run out of breath at the end? No, I mean, I just took it down real low. Oh, yeah. So low. Yeah.

It wasn't bad. It was just... It was better than next week's. Just a little classic. Spoiler alert. Better than next week's. Stay tuned. Well, we'll see if you sell it or not. Have you ever thought about it?

And you don't mean like really go full bore and really sell the scam. No, I mean like the kids mean it. You mean... Like you're selling. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Get rid of. Oh, man, that guy's selling.

No, the kids, when they say you sell, you've done a bad job. Yeah, yeah. Like if the... If you choke, you have sold. Like the team that's losing by a bunch of points they sold. But what if you... How do you not know that? Because this is why, and it's very easy to know.

Are you selling on parenting? No, because I have literally sold it many times. I have sold my scat away. No, that's fair. So when you say, oh, you're going to sell it, I thought you just meant, you know, the definition of the word. I'm going to get rid of it and sell it to Jeremy. But then we were trying to talk to you about the slang and you just, you wouldn't have it. I obviously know the slang.

Everything is, by the way, everything's tough now. Did you know that? Yeah, T UFFF. Is it how they spell it? Yeah. Like I set up a new little video game. Oh, dude, that's tough. I cleaned up my desk and I show up my son.

I go look at my new headset. He goes, oh, man, that's tough. You know what? I think for the most part, a lot of the kids slang I'm okay with. Like, every once in a while you get old. It's better than it was like, I feel like five or six years ago there was some stupid stuff. I got one that I'm just, I can't handle it right now. You're too old for?

No, I just can't handle it. I can't handle. And maybe it's just in our house. Maybe this isn't a slang. Okay. But everybody, everything and every person, including mom and dad, are bro. Oh. Everything's a bro.

Bro, bro. I don't get that in my house. As a dad. I don't want to be bro. I don't want to be bro. Hey, bro, give me the cereal. No, I ain't your bro. I'm your dad.

That's a you problem. Yeah, okay. Okay. Maybe it's a having boys problem. Like multiple, like I got both of the boys are just bro this, bro that. bro, bro. I mean, when we were kids, it was everything was dude. I know.

It is the same. I'm just saying, it is the exact same thing. Like you said, Jay, you know, for whatever, like, we had a run where it was like this, these are just obnoxious and annoying. Skibbitty toilet. Yeah. All the brain rot. And then there's, you can talk, Mr. 6, 7.

There's, uh, well, that's part of the brain rot. Nobody likes that more than you. But, like, a lot of them, I've, I have tried to incorporate. I've tried to adapt. Yeah, I don't know if I can do the selling. Oh, man. I hit that. He sold.

He sold. Dude, Chud? What is it? So to explain that? Well, it's just like it's a, it's a derogatory. Apparently, got it. Which is today's draft. Apparently the, the origin was from a 1984.

So you are a Chud? Is that what happens? Yes. I'm afraid I'm going to miss you. No, you're fine. One of these words. But in an 84 sci-fi horror film, C-H-U-D, cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller.

That's where it came from? That's what it's credit is. But use it in a sentence in modern slang. Andy, you're a chud. Well. No, no, no. I was like, oh man, did you hear, do you hear that stupid thing that Brian did? What a chud.

And it just means you're like a, like a... It's a pejorative. Right, but it doesn't mean you're an underground dweller. It means that you're like a dumb person. Yes. Okay. You're just a chug. Yeah.

Idiot. Dumbo. We sound a lot. They all, yeah, but we are, look, we're teaching. We are, there's young parents out there and they're learning right now. By the way, I want to say this, like we haven't been able to do as many new episodes of spitballers lately. It is the month of madness for the fantasy footballers. And I know that this will eventually be a spit hit.

Two months of madness. Yeah, August and September are tough for our fantasy footballers show to do tons of new shows. But we were able to do it today. And I just want you to know, new episodes are on the way and things are going to calm down. Well, that's right now. Let's get into it. Would you rather? All right.

Would you rather question, Jason, would you rather every piece of furniture in your home be permanently epoxy to the floor? Or every piece of furniture be on roller blade casters that easily glide across the floor. Interesting. Without force. So, I mean, the jump into the couch is different in both situations quite a bit. All right. I need a little bit of clarity here. Okay.

If I want to redesign my room and I'm like, I want to, I want to. to replace my couch. Is this an issue? Or can I get rid of the couch and then have a new couch that's epoxy there? If you got rid of the couch, it would damage your floor. Okay. And or you'd have to cut like the legs. And you need power tools to get it off. Yeah, you'd have to cut. But then yes, once you get it out of there, you can epoxy a new one to the floor. I lean that that's still the better approach. You don't want to slide around. I don't think that's tenable. I mean, there could be, there could be a slightly more of an advantage should be able to move furniture than you think.

Let me tell you something that you, that people might not know. Your house might not be level. Your house might not be level. And that sounds ridiculous. My house is not level. Your floors should be. My floors are not level. No, they messed up.

But after, after settling. They messed up. Okay. All right. That's fine. And here's how I know it. So you're saying, all things roll downhill. Here's how I know it.

In my office, we did what we did here at our studio, which is we We replaced the office chair wheels. Oh. We replaced the office chair wheels with those really nice roller blade. One of the best tips in life. That is literally, if you're listening to this, go to Amazon and find rollerblade wheels for office chairs. You'll love it. It's unbelievably an upgrade.

However, if your office is not level, you will soon find out. Because if I sit there with my- That is very unlevel. If I sit there with my feet off the floor, I am going to roll in. of the door. That's insane. 100% of the time. No, you're not. I also have a little... You might have a sinkhole under your house. Well, I also, in a different part of my house, we have this cabinet that has like two doors

up top, like an armworn. And if I open those doors halfway, I better not let go. Because they will slam back. Really? My house is not a hill. It is not on a hill. But it is not on flat ground. That's wild. Yeah. So if you went into every room and you dropped a marble in the middle of the room, they're going all different directions. I'm going to find out which direction. Yeah, that's actually a good test.

I should do that. The marble test. The marble test. I don't, man, I feel like. At least it makes it easy to clean a spill. They leveled my ground. I'm taking the casters. I'm going to rearrange these rooms at will.

Is it cheating to say? Because we have overcome this problem. You just put a wood block there. Like, we stop our. cars would would oh you can you can have a bunch of those little wedges everywhere that's funny of course i can do that you work around i mean not the spirit of the question yeah i feel like either is cutting out your furniture from the epoxy but i understand we're trying to overcome obstacles yeah but i just don't understand why we're not being you know even on both one work around is

fine one work around isn't fine i'd say both work around should not be fine okay fine um i would not want to sit on a couch and be rolling around. I wouldn't want to sit to eat dinner and feel like I'm going to roll everywhere. If the dinner table and the chairs are on castors, that's, that's a ride. Okay. So think about us in the office. People pushing the table to each other. Okay.

We got it. We got our super wheelie. Yes. Just freewheeling and dealing. Does not cause a problem. And often we will go across the, to the other side of the building, one big push. That's a lot of fun. You're telling me, you don't want to have your couch watching your television.

You're like, I need to go to the fridge. That sounds awesome. I'm more worried about the tables. Your favorite chair is your favorite chair in every room because it's in every room. But imagine like, imagine. Well, he'll never find his stuff. It just, as soon as you get up, it just goes to a different room. Every time he goes into a room, there's 10 pieces of furniture in a corner.

In a corner. Genuinely, that would happen in my house. What do you on a volcano? What the heck is going on? At my house, if all, if my couch had these casters, they would be, Yeah, you are unique. They would be on the, let me think, it is the north side of my house. Let me be clear here, just so people understand, you got two groups that failed here.

You got the group that built the house. Yes. Then you got the group to put the floors in there. They're supposed to level the floors. Correct. So on both scenarios. I think if the foundation is not flat, how are you going to level the floor? Oh, they do.

They have auto leveler. I mean, my house was a mess of not level, and you just mix this stuff in a bag and you pour it. And it levels the floor. Yeah, I get the self-loop. But it could have, it's the, I assume it's settling after they put the pad down. I assume it's incompetence. It's incompetence. There's, you guys have no idea.

How extreme? You have no idea how extreme it is. Never built your house on the sand. That's, yes. Jason. We know that. Did you, oh, the, your pool was already there. Yeah.

You probably had the, all the water's out. You had the only Arizona downhill that did not have a hard dig. Yeah. Super soft, quicksand. He dug it himself. So I'm realizing that all of this talk is this. You need to up your home insurance. Hypothetical situation that is not even remotely hypothetical.

My office, if you open the door to my office, usually all three chairs in there are right on the other side of the door. Unbelievable. Swear to you. I'm not joking. They roll. You didn't think you had ghosts. You have to push the chair to where it's touching the desk. Like push it in because if you if you leave it an inch away from the desk, it will roll to the front door.

You need you need like static chairs that have like those lion's feet on the bottom that grip the floor. I really do in there. You're supposed to turn your wheels. I got a house problem. I'm finding that out. Would you rather your family be locally famous for which thing? Okay. So you're locally famous for being the loudest family in every restaurant.

Check. You already are. Being the family that arrives 45 minutes. Check. late to everything. Mike is checking the boxes. Or be the family that is always the last to leave a house party. Not uncommon. You talk to my family about this. What do I want to? I mean, which part of Mike's family do we want? Which part of Mike's family do we want to relate to? I'm telling you all. I don't, I can't do the late one. The late one is going to kill me. It's funny because that's the one I lead with. I feel like, well, I die.

every time. I feel like if I'm late, I'm basically given the birds to whoever I'm late. Whoever is expecting you there for the 45 minutes. I hate it. And I've just, I have had to accept it. Oversaying your welcome. That's tough. Oversaying your welcome is worse than showing up late.

Which? Oversaying your welcome is worse than showing up late. Like if you've got a party. It depends what you're late for, to be fair. You can't be 40 minutes late to a wedding, but you can do that to like a house party or something. Right. Yeah. I guess I'm just thinking of, yeah.

What is your, let me, let me detour, because I really want to talk to this. I am a very, like, I show up early things and wait in the parking lot. Like, I just, it makes me feel more comfortable. It's stupid. I never leave late enough. I'm learning that I can get to the airport later, etc. But. No, you can't.

You can't? No. The one time you're late, bro. Plan's gone. So you're an early bird, too. Oh, yeah. But your family is a late. Yes.

But you are then in a position. where you either eat it. Yes. Or you apologize and blame your family. And you probably eat it. I just eat it. And I've had to just, I, I mean, I'm, what, I'm 20 years into the marriage. I'm 17 years into being a dad.

And it's just, this is life. This is it. I can get mad every single time, but nothing will ever change. But this is where I want to get to. Like, help me with this because what is, this is your detour question for those at home and those listening. we have every year a fantasy footballers engaging media spitballers Christmas party with all the employees and their families that party has a time that it starts yeah and there's not really an ending time

right but there's a time that it starts and there's the there's adages right like oh you don't want to be the first one there right like there's some fashionably late there's some yeah fashionably late there's some like skits where like somebody shows up really early while they're like still showering getting the party ready it's awkward but when they when you're in the No, when I'm getting ready for a party and I'm like, I've got to tell three. I've got to tell three because 2.45, I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And when that doorbell rings, that person is dead to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That person is dead to me. You know, I don't know what you're saying. So like, like, early to the party. Yeah. So if you're not going to be early, like, what is the respectful of it? Because I think the person that's throwing the party, if they are really prepared and they're really excited. Like, if I've prepared my house for a party, I can't wait for Jason to get there. I can't wait for Jeremy to get there.

It's an easy and obvious number. Is it, is it? Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, right. This is your margin. Because it's, yeah, because it's, this is a. I'll tell you what I think. Well, no, I'm saying, what's the respectable, the, the, the, the, the, the host.

How late is still respectable? The host wants you to show up about this late if you show up late. Right, the parties at six. Here we go. I've gone on my margin of error. Yeah. Sure. The parties at six, what time should you show up?

Okay. What time should you show up? I'll add the hour then. Well, I'm just saying, like, what is the respectful time? I thought we were doing the latest you could show up. Well, I mean, it's all the same. No, not the latest, but like what is a good acceptable? When should you show up for a 6 o'clock Christmas party?

That's what I want to know. You write it down. Okay. I'm going to write down. I'm just going to be super honest with my family and my life and my psychology. And it's going to be the earliest time you've ever seen. I have both on here. I have the arrival time and then I have the...

Margin. After this, you are late in your kind of rude. Oh, okay. Let's write that down to a party. Yeah. Okay. I've got both. I've got both.

Let me start because I'm going to be the done. I'm type A. 6.10 for a 6 o'clock party is what I wrote down. 6.30. Anything other than that, I feel disrespectful. You're giving a 30 minute buffer. I feel disrespectful after 630. You're just disrespected me. Jason?

I have 15 minutes is... Oh, so you did 30 as well? Yeah, 30 is... If you're... If my party is at... Oh, Mike is going to be outrageous. If my party is at 6 and you show up after 630, you're not part of this party. You've decided that this party is unimportant.

Listen, Mike is shown up so late at our Christmas parties before. No. So I want to know he's about the right. But the one I was very late because I had the time wrong. Okay. So I was on time for what time I had put in my right on. Which was an hour late. My brain up until I found that out was like Mike is so late.

But you had it wrong. All right, what are your times? Five minutes after start. Oh, look who is the most functional. I was trying to be all liberal with this 610. I believe that one anymore. 20 minutes is the margin of air. I'm there at 601.

Yeah. That's the truth. The way that you worded it... I'm actually there at $5.52 and in the parking. The way that you worded it where it's like, if I'm the guest, if I'm the host, what time do I feel like people aren't really late? That's 15 minutes. If they're there in the first 15 minutes, I'm totally okay with that. That's totally fine.

And if they're not there in the first 30 minutes, just disrespectful. Interesting. Well, we're all on the same page. Yeah, we're around the same. We know how to throw a party and go to a party. To go back to the original question, showing up 45 minutes late to everything is... Now, Al. That's pretty bad.

Any disagreement here. I know that you can't get to things on time, which is so weird. It is, let me just say this. So weird. Al is the most responsible, diligent, like, fastidious, thorough, and he's late to everything. He can't get to things on time. Time management is not my... It is so...

But it feels like that's a part of your, like... Against every other part of you. And it's not your wife, it's you? No, it's me. Oh, it's, of course him, because it's like if we do pickleball or anything. It's just him. You're not putting makeup on. I never give myself enough time to get ready and get out of the house.

But this is, do you think it's fixable at this stage? No. Okay. So what are, were your time similar? I agree that it's rude. I wish it wasn't hard to be. It's just something I got to accept. I'm leaning towards being known for being the loudest.

Because I think that they're, you're having fun. You're having fun. It's annoying. You're obnoxious though. Yes, of course. What was the other one though? It was either you're the last.

one to leave like you you stay too long you overstay you're welcome you show up way too late or you're the loudest you're you're the loudest at the party and all of those are annoying all of those are bad but i don't see any good to the other i i'm with you i think that that one at least you could spin is like sometimes you need a loud person at your party you need someone to hoot and hoot and holl there's a big difference between happy loud and mad loud at a at a restaurant but i mean we we have a let's call him our manager let's just put it that way and um when we go to oh my gosh i know where you're going when we go to a restaurant like he has a good time yes but he does not go draw the volume of his voice he's very austin powers so loud it's unbelievable see the thing is i live with that every day

is that your wife no it's my entire family oh they're all super loud we'll be in the same room and i like i'll be like why i'm right in front of you please i'm right here and so Does that make you not want to pick that one? Or does that make you used to, like, you're like fine with that one? He just found out last week, all of them are deaf. They've never heard a thing. I mean, I would take, I'd prefer that over the being 45 minutes late. Yeah, it is funny.

I'm choosing the loudest one. I think I'm, I'm thinking I'm choosing the loudest one. It's funny because there are some people where it's like, it's literally just a little volume meter that has been like their, their gain has been turned up a little bit. Yes, it is. Like everywhere. This hypothetical, who I'm calling our manager, his gain has been turned up. Yeah.

And it surprises me every time because I know it and I love him and it's great. It doesn't really matter. No, it doesn't matter at all. But I'm always surprised the first time we're back together with this hypothetical person. Yeah. And they have their gain so high. And they love a good joke because they laugh at the joke. Oh, yeah.

They're a good laugh. And everybody is. They're a loud lapper. Loud laffer. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Decisions of extreme importance. we don't make decisions of like medium importance on the show.

It would be a waste of your time. Imagine. Everything we do on this show has the purpose of changing the world. Yeah. From the ground up, you know. And so we're looking at some very important decisions of extreme importance. Okay. And we're either going to all agree and move on, right?

I'm going to say something. I'm going to give you a statement. Okay. We either all agree, yes, and we move on. No, and we move on. Or if there's some disagreement, we're going to debate it. All right. Okay.

And we're starting here. Snow is better than rain. Hmm. Snow is better than rain. We're going to think about it. We're going to write it down. I really got to think about this one. Snow is better than rain.

Snow is better. Hmm. Now this is going to be somewhat. Yeah, this is very geographically biased. Geographically contextual. We live in Arizona. I'm going to answer authentic to myself. To be clear, we don't really get either of these.

It's more it feels We do get one more than the other Snow is better than rain Three, two, one No, false So you both said false Now is this Well I said false

He said no Is it? Yeah, it is a yes or no Mike just ruined Yeah Gotta be the contrarian False I said say yes or no

He wrote false That's amazing To be honest I wasn't listening at all I was trying to figure out If snow is better than rain So I'm gonna tell you why I said yes And then you tell me why I'm wrong

Yeah because you are. Because I do, I think rain is awesome. We actually in Arizona. Doesn't sound like it. Well, it's what's better.

Both can be awesome. Two awesome things can be, one can be better than the other. Magical. I think snow is magical. I think it's so rare. And when it falls, it is,

I mean, we don't have it fall in Arizona in the city, in the valley. But when I go up north, Flagstaff, Prescott, you know, high country,

I think, you know, when I've traveled to another city in the country, to me, magical. It's Christmas. Rain's not Christmas. It's not associated with the season. It's more beautiful. Snow is more beautiful than rain.

At its peak. Yeah, because it gets muddy and nasty, but at its peak, it's more beautiful. At its peak, it's more functional. So why is rain better? Rain is more, because... You were going to say rain is more better. And I stopped myself. I know grammar. And metal. Yes. rain does not get in the way of life to the degree that snow does. You know, it's like, sure, you can go up into a mountain and ski, but day to day, if it's raining outside, I can do most things.

If it's snowing, I need to plow. I need to get my road plowed before I can drive. Schools are shut down if it's a heavy snow day. People can't drive out here in the rain, though. I mean, they can. They're just poor. They do it poor. They don't have experience.

Yeah. But sometimes in the snow, you can't drive in the snow. Yeah. So I just think that the obstacles are bigger with snow. I mean, this is why it's more subjective is because better is like across the whole gamut. Like the worst of snow versus the worst of rain. I mean, the worst of snow is worse. Yes.

It's got to be. Yeah. And that's where I have gone of like once rain is done, it's done. And it smells wonderful outside. Yes, it does. And when snow is done, you're like, oh, isn't this beautiful? And then the next day, you're like, go away snow. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. We were right, Mike. I think it's tight. Okay, great, great one here. That's a two to one. I did not change, but I hear you. You know what I mean?

I respect. The top bunk. Live in Denver and then you'll be like. Yeah, no, I agree Michigan, Chicago. The top bunk is better than the bottom bunk. Oh, this is a great question. Hold on. I got a top bunk is better.

Top bunk. is better. You have to think about this? I mean, I don't. Get out of it. There's easy work. Get it. Okay.

I think about this. Well, of course I have to think about it. There's rationale. Okay. Top bunk is very than the bottom bunk. Three, two, one. No. Yes.

Oh. Jason's a bottom bunker, Mike. Dude. Jason's the bottom bunker. No one runs into a room. He sees a bunk bed and goes, I got dibs on bottom. Oh, my gosh, Jason. That doesn't sound like things.

People do, but here's the thing. Oh, man. Oh, man. Okay. Let me explain myself. You want to sleep in a car. Often? Here's, you got, what do you got like 20 foot ceilings? The top bunk is not like you're standing up on that thing. You've got a ceiling right above your face. You have way more room

for the top bunk than you do on the bottom. I think you have about equidistance. However, you do not. Clostrophobic. Bottom box is a claustrophobic experience. Here's my real reason. Do you think you're getting the king size of the bottom and the twin up top? They do. Most bunk beds are twin. Yeah, most are twin. They do have we have, they do have full twin. I know yours. I know yours. I got a queen over king, baby. I know you. I know you. do. Yeah. No, no.

I know you do, Truman. Hold on. I was. It's awesome. I was going to flex with my boys had the full full. Uh-huh. You're telling me. Yeah, he does.

Yeah. You have a bunk bed. A room. King on the bottom, queen on the top. It's stupid. No, it's not stupid because families come and visit. No, I mean, how. There's no more room in the room.

It's also the most comfortable mattress I've ever slept on. Okay. Standard bunk. This is standard bunk. No, it does it. I've just said it's a very luxurious. Standard bunk. Tell us why the dumb box.

bottom is better. Here's why, and it's really, really simple. I am too old to climb up and down that little ladder. The little ladder? Where would you rather be sleeping? The way down, the way down, I'm going to be terrible. I'm going to be like, how do we get it's not happening? When I was a kid, Jason, you could just reach.

You're not, it's not that far. This guy says he can do monkey bars. Kick off to the top bunk. I can do monkey. You tried to, you tried to bend down and read a putt today, and you're like, that knee's gone. I don't need my knee to properly monkey bar. My knee is gone.

Where did it go? No, I think that... So you just don't want to climb the stairs? You'd rather sleep on top? If there were stairs, I would choose it. But there's a ladder. That's okay. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The little straight up, it's always a straight up ladder. You feel the whole thing's coming down? The straight up ladder is what the real problem. I guess on my king or queen... Ours is the angle ladder. I've got the angle there, but most, I think most, like twin bunk beds, which are what most bunk beds are, have the straight up ladder. And that is the problem on the way down.

I am too old and fat. You could just step off. You can just step off the top bunk. You pretty much can. He's 5'9. Oh. Short king problems. So you're saying if you could teleport to either spot, you'd teleport and up top?

Yes. Okay. It is literally the getting up, getting down. In the middle of the night, climb a ladder or not? In the middle of the night, when you got to go pee, you're going to be, we're in our 40s. Okay. You're not going to want to, in the dark, be like, oh, I got to get off this top bunk. The prostate ladder.

Yeah, the prostate ladder. There's your show title, Al. There you go. I mean, genuinely, though, think about that. In the middle of the night, lights are off. Someone's sleeping on the bottom bunk. He's convinced me, today I'm choosing bottom for pee. Yes.

For peeing. If I'm a kid, top bunk for sure. Oh, my gosh, you're right. But in our 40s, you don't want that life. Man, he got me with the prostate. No. If I had a dollar. No, because you'll be in...

You did. I got a pee three times a night. The problem is you're going to be in the bottom bunk and your pee is going to hit and you're going to sit up real fast or go fwack. Dude, forehead right into the bottom bunk. The bottom bunk is not so high. It's not so... You can sit on a bottom bunk. Absolutely you can sit on a bottom bunk.

Maybe on your super ultra deluxe bump that I've never heard of a regular twin. No, you cannot. No, you cannot. No, because a regular... I'm 5-9. I can sit. No problem. A regular house does not have the ceilings you have.

No. Okay. There's got to be a normal answer to this. When I was a kid, here's a fun story. This is one of my core memories slash terrors. I was on the bottom. My brother was on the top. And the base of the mattress on the top bunk was like a thin piece of like,

it's almost like the pegboard type of material. What do you call that, Al? You know what I'm saying? Like the, you know how pegboards are made out of that like, corrugated masonite i believe there you go i push my feet up i lift that thing up the right side of the mattress comes crashing down he rolls out of the bed onto the ground and i'm stuck in the underneath it an average adult can usually sit up on the bottom bunk of an average bunk bed without hitting their head so i mean because you are in average adult clearance yeah i mean maybe

genuinely you guys are you know what six one six two maybe you would hit your head i would not That's the difference. I guess maybe I just have a very low profile. Clearance of an average standard bunk bed is typically around 36 inches. An average adult torso is... 28 to 32. I'm looking at the common. Comfortable is 32 to 36.

Common is 38 to 32. That's average. And your torso is 32? I guess. Anyways. Look, you persuaded me via prostate. That would be very... Is that...

I don't want to... Dude, I don't want to climb down a ladder to go, Pee. man. In the middle of the night, no way. You hook a urinal up there, I'm good. Yeah, but if I'm cathed up,

okay. But. What if you know those things that they make for? If I'm cath, yeah, you could do like, cath,

they're dived. Just the car thing. Where it's like, you know, you have like the tube thing and then it runs off into a bucket. Yeah, you could do a side tube.

There's ways of over. A side urinal is what we call that. Yeah. All right. We figured that out. Jason convinced me it's not two to one. I'm on bottom bunk. There you go.

Uh Next one Decisions Bottom bunk boys Yeah Okay now I don't want to be a part You should always tell someone If they have food in their teeth

Even if you don't know them well Oh Even if you don't know them well All right I've got my answer I've got my answer Uh three two one Nah Yes

No Absolutely you should It should It is so Do we? No Don't care You should

You got food in your mouth And I don't know you I'm not getting I don't need to be involved. What is, okay, I don't need to be involved in this. But it's respectful. But we need to work through this of, I'm the dude that's pointing it out. What in our society has gotten to this point where, okay, someone has food and their

teeth for that person, embarrassing. You look, you look disgusting. Yeah, you look like a sloth. You look like you have never brought your teeth here. Everyone's done it. This is a very embarrassing thing for you. Me as a bystander, I see it. I'm like, ooh, that's embarrassing for you.

You're disgusting. And then I go, I could tell you, but that would be way too embarrassing for me to tell you about your problem. I mean, let me put it. It makes no sense. There are, there are, uh, let's say you're at a table and you're sitting next to another table and the person in that table has food in their teeth. No. Okay. You don't go out of your way to find a stranger.

Okay. So you, but it's embarrassing for them. Are they sitting alone? Yeah. Then yeah. You could tell them. Okay. My thought is this is a responsibility.

have a close friend. This is the responsibility somebody who cares about this person. If I don't care about you... Are you with your close friend 24-7? I think that that person is taking a risk eating whatever spinach meal they're eating. What if that person is on their way to a date? And I know this? No, you don't know. But what if they are?

And you could have saved them the ridicule and the discomfort. If they're not looking in the rear of your mirror when they get in that car, that's on them. I am not intervening. You just said you would not tell a person in a neighboring table. Well, I'm not going to Let me put you, okay, my point was... I got the situation. Okay.

We just went to a dinner. Okay. It was that hypothetical manager. And four people... We were at a fancy business. Perfect example here. Eight people at this fine restaurant. Yes.

We don't know for them well. Correct. I guess we kind of are familiar. But we don't really know them. But let's just pretend the person that you didn't know while that you met that night. That is the situation I am envisioning. And you're there and this happens within the first 10 minutes of sitting down. You haven't familiarized yourself.

You're not good friends with this person yet. and, you know, a little bit of shrimp cocktails up in the tooth. And you're saying some? Absolutely. And I, and not only am I saying something, but that person is going to be so much happier for it. And you want to know what they're going to think of me that I'm not afraid of this relationship.

You know what I mean? Like, if someone tells me, I would be like, I would say, thank you. Hold on. This is the way. Hold on. Flies down. No. But that's different because that implies I was looking there.

I mean, but you did. You caught it. They got to know. That's more embarrassing than food and the teeth. Well, that's more embarrassing to the witness. Yeah. That's the thing. I can say I'm looking at your great smile.

Oh, no, there's food in your teeth. I can't be like, I just happen to look at your fly. Yeah. But the thing is we should be able to, because your eye, even in the peripheral, your eye would see it and be like, I mean, none of you were saying anything about that. A strangers fly. No.

We should be, we should do this same. Yes, you should tell people these things. Okay. It's really a, you draw the line at the cross. It's a crotch problem. I mean, let's be honest. It's just a crotch problem. I respect.

I understand it. Next one. The best donut is a filled donut. Oh, this is so easy. Hold on. Hold on. So, I know Jason's answer, which sucks to me. Three, two, one.

Yeah. False. No. Oh, dude. No, not the best. You want part of a donut. I get more donut and then I get extra stuff in my donuts. Okay.

The best donut is, write it down. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. The best donut is. I know Mike's answer. Everyone knows my answer. Yeah.

Which is the most boring. So for me, it's a frost, it's a glazed donut with, wait, what is it called when there's frosting on top? Frosted donut. Frosted donut with sprinkles. Sure. Mike is glazed. Fossin cream.

Yeah, I knew that. Is that chocolate for you, Andy? Does it have to be chocolate? No, no, no. I'd actually prefer it to be like the white frosting. Okay. On a, what, you got some thoughts back there? No, I was just curious.

I'm curious. Your thoughts. What's your best donut? I don't like a frosted donut. Really? My best donut. Even with sprinkles. They don't save it.

Sprinkles are nothing. Oh, God. They're tasteless. You know nothing about sugar. You know nothing about sugar. The best donut is a jelly-filled. Oh, yes. Like strawberry jelly filled.

Yeah, a little sugar, sugar-covered. Lazed donut with strawberry. I've never been more disappointed in Jason. I was going to say, what is your best donut, Papa Josh? I know food better than you guys. It's an apple fritter and you are. Oh, Apple fritters are a top tier. But that wasn't the question.

It was, is it better filled or not? And it's better filled. Yeah. Josh, I would, fritter would be my number. Apple fritters are borderline filled when they're good. That doesn't even, it's, the name of it isn't even a donut. I feel like it's not a donut. It's not a donut.

It's not really a pastry. It's called an apple fritter. But it's a deep fried peeler. pastry, which is what a donut is. Is a bearclaw? Is a bearclaw a donut? If it's not a circle with a hole, it's not a donut. I think so. It's donut adjacent.

It's not, no, no, no. You can't tell me a boss of cream isn't a donut. A long john's a donut. Okay, yes, the hole's not necessarily. The hole is not part of the shape. It's got to be a circle, right? It's got a, well, no, a long john. No, Long John's a donut. I know, but that somebody just, they just mess with science there, man. They mess with something they didn't need to mess with. This is a drastic part scenario. I think that this is. I don't know. You get more donut. Yeah, it is pretty easy to eat too.

You get more donut when it's filled. I don't want it there. I don't need it. I don't need it to be filled. I don't want it. Don't want it, don't need it. No way, no how. Al, did we have time for one more? We can do one more.

A booth. A booth. Is that a goose joke? That was a liar, liar, goose joke. Oh, yeah. What was a booth is better than a table? A booth is always better than a table. Oh, man.

Now, are we going, we're going by that. wording? Let me confirm. A booth is always better than a table. All right. Yeah, okay. I'm here. Yes. Yes. No. It's yes. We've agreed on nothing. It's yes. A booth is way better than a table. A booth is so much better than a table. It is not always better than a table because if you have a group makeup that is awkward to sit next to each other, like there are situations where I would prefer a table. We sat at a table with the eight people we had. If you had put a perfect booth and it's four to four, it's a little weird.

That's weird. It's a little weird. That's awkward. That's so weird. I know, but I just feel like pretty much always. The wording. I agree. If it was pretty much always, if it was almost always, if it was usually, it's a yes across.

A booth. What percentage of meals are with strangers? A percentage of meals are with strangers. That's a question. Five percent. I think it's lower. The thing is for me. I guess dates.

With the stranger. Like if you could, we just got to figure out how to get the architecture of the booth. Because I have a problem with dinner parties. Because so we're back to our business dinner. You know, it's eight people.

My conversation is completely isolated to the people that I am next to. Jason was on the other side of the table. I have no idea what Jason did the whole entire night at the dinner. I have no idea what you did. person Jason was talking to, no idea what they were doing that entire dinner. I am completely, you are fully siloed in this thing that's supposed to be a group of events. It's awful.

I mean, a round table. A round table is amazing. Wait, what, not in any situation. Every situation of booth is better, right? I just don't know why we can't make it so it feels like a booth on my mouth. You can do a circle booth. Why can't we just feel a semi-circle? Yeah.

You can't have a full circle booth. Why not? Why not? We can put a door on a booth. Why can't we just make a chair that feels like a booth on my butt? Yes. Yeah. I mean, the booth is so cozy.

Yes. That'd be really nice. But they got to be extra wide. Just take a booth and cut it into fourths. And then it's... Not fourths, like half. Oh, you do need a wider one. You need a wide booth seat.

Why is that? You want the space. My biggest problem with the booth was I was thinking of when we, a restaurant that we go to a lot. And the booth is very low. Yeah. Not every booth. You can get a low booth. Yeah.

I was at the booth to table height is not proper. Speaking of feeling like a. kid. You're swinging your legs. I went to a restaurant like three days ago. Well, congrats. Thank you. It was my first time there, too.

Did you eat there? I ate there. It was incredible. Actually, it was terrible. But you want to put them on black? Do you like Mr. Pickles, by the way? Oh, yes, yes. Oh, hashtag not a sponsor.

We are open, Mr. Pickles. We told him that Mr. Pickles, this, this sandwich shop. The trick was the Dutch control. Oh, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You win on the. It's pretty much a donut. The calories are not that much more.

In the sourdough, I looked it up. They were lying to me, but I like the lie. It was unbelievable. I like it. Anyways, I was at this table. I picked my spot. It's like one of those like QSR places you order at the, you know, the counter and then you go find your table.

And I went and I grabbed some salsa from the salsa bar. I picked my table. I put it at the table. And then I went to sit down at this table and the chairs. Oh, no. Were so high. I couldn't. possibly fit my legs.

Like your legs couldn't get under? No way. No one's like, it was made for only children. And so I had to switch tables. They had regular seat tails. I was like, I don't think a child could. I was like, that chair barely fit under that table. Who is, who was using this? I guess the word always does ruin it.

If we just said booths are better than tables, we ought to agree. All 100% agreed. Okay. So did I switch you then? On the wording? I guess you did again. You switched me twice. I mean, I don't let's, let's switch you.

Let's not switch you. Let's switch the question. Ask it again. Booths are better than tables. Yes. Yes. All right. We'll take it a break and then we're going to draft.

Well, good luck to everybody today. Our draft is the best curse word alternatives. We all know. You don't have to plug your ears for this one. You don't have to plug your ears for this one. There's some fun ones. There's a lot of them. Let's do it.

The spit. Ballers draft. All right, Mike, you get to kick us off. You have the number one pick and the curse word alternative draft, which I'm sure you're thrilled about. A terrible draft to get the first pick, but I will. I have ones that I just, I think, are funny.

I'm glad you're going this way. Let me just say this at the top. I think the whole gamut is open. Yes. It can be a direct substitution. Sure. It can be an expression that you would use in lieu of a profane word, which we all, you know, want to keep,

family safe here. Probably used them on the show. So what's your favorite curse word alternative? So this one I think is super funny and I do actually use it. Yeah, some of these are high in my list because they are used. And it is a sweet fancy Moses. Okay. That's a good one.

I've heard you say it many times. Let me cross sweet fancy Moses off the list. Oh, that's not on my list. I don't think it's on my list. It's so. What? What does this even mean? Sweet fancy Moses. Okay, so it's an expression where you could have used a different word.

Yes. Jason, you are on the clock. Okay, this is an easy 101 for me, not for everybody. In fact, I would say most people don't, nor would ever use it. But Dagnappet, I love a good Dagnappet. That is your, of the people I know, you are not only the only one that's used it. You're the only one that's used it over a thousand times. I grew up at it, man.

You did. Yeah, my father, the past. He was a quite a clean mouth, and Dagnappett was one of the words that... He would say that. I would hear it a lot. Dagnappet is just fun. Like sweet, fancy Moses, it's like Dagnapp. It's fun to say.

It's just a good time. And I think it's timeless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If a kid used it or if a grandpa used it, it's all good. That's good. That's good. It's not like us saying, calling people chuds? No, yes.

We're not allowed to do chud. I mean, there are, like, low-hanging fruit in this category. There are things that are just like the most, like if you had somebody tell you what the highest used ones are, there's some easy ones. But I think I might have one that's like used a lot and one that's kind of more fun. I'm going BS. Oh, yeah. I'm taking the abbreviation. I'm just taking the abbreviation.

Okay. We didn't even try to come up with something new. We just said like, this is the first letters. You know what I'm saying. And then, man, there's so. many. I'm going, geez Louise. I'm going. Oh, that's good. I'm taking geez Louise.

I like a good, geez Louise. I'm taking Jesus Louise. Oh, man. Jesus Louise is good. I feel like it's a good counter punch to this guy over here with sweet fancy Moses. Like we are reacting to the same thing in it and we use both expressions. It would work. We just saw a comet fall from this guy. Mike goes, sweet fancy. And I go, geez, Louise. Yeah, I can't go Dagnet.

No. Dagnet is only for Diority. You stuck your toe. Yeah, yeah. All right. Oh, man, that's a good one. Thanks. All right.

So, I thought a lot about that one. I'm up. Sometimes, you know, when you are cursing, it's really, it's really directed at someone. Okay. You know, it's a, I am calling, I am calling someone. It's a royal curse. A problem. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm giving them the business because they are a fart knocker. Oh. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. They are a real fart. fart knocker. Fart knocker? Absolutely.

I'm not kidding. I got a list about 40 things. That's not on it. You don't have fart knocker? I don't think fart knocker. I don't even do not. You're a fart knocker. Wow.

That's a good one. That's a good one. I do not have that on my list. I'm shocked. You got it. Yeah. Mike, you got two picks. All right.

I don't use this one as much, but it still makes me laugh. I will go with a great googly-moogily. It's on my list. I didn't even know. I didn't even... Kobe, my only problem with that one. My only problem is I didn't even think it's like a curse adjacent replacement. What do you...

But you thought fart knocker was. Yeah, because if you call someone a fart knocker. Okay. Interesting. Mine is more like, you know, it's... Let's say you stub the toe or you just, you make a mistake. Great. Googly-moly.

Yeah, but it can also be positive. You can be positive in that. Oh, absolutely. Well, some curse words can be used as a celebration. That is, what do you think of when you, do either of you call the commercial? The commercial. Yeah, that's how I learned it. The Snickers commercial from the Chiefs way back in the day.

Well, that's great, but who's the chefs? Yes. Incredible commercial, incredible delivery by that actor. And, yes, and it lives on. That's a great one. I'm sad that I should have drafted that one last. Okay. You're such a fart knocker.

Oh, man. And, uh, man. Man. So I still have another turn. Wait, did you, do you have one more? I have one more. Wow, you're going triple word. Triple word score.

Great googly moogly. Yeah, do you got anything tight? I got a four-worder on my list. Oh, who. I do have a four-worder as well. I am going to go. This is a great draft. With, I don't use this.

I can't take any of the easy ones. I regret taking BS. I don't use this one very frequently, but it just, I don't know. It feels like a classic, and it makes me laugh when you do with a, with a holy Toledo. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I got, how did that?

There's a few holos. Yeah, there's a holy guacamole. Holy smokes. Holy smokes. We'll take them all off the board and let you have Holy Toledo. What is Toledo? How did they get in there? Yeah, what did they do to do?

It was part of their marketing campaign. True. Holy Toledo. Oh, that's good. That's good. I mean, we're mixing it up here. All right, Jay, you're up. All right.

That was pretty good. Nothing's going to top partner. No. Of course not. So I got dagnapp. You had to get that before we took it. I got fart knocker. And very similar, but I think this is more like your G-S-L-L-L-E-L-E-L-I-E-L-I-L-I-L-I-B-E-E-L-E-L-E-G-A-L-L-E-G-L-E-L-E.

So you have gag-N-B-A-L-L-B-A-L-G-N-E. I've got Dagnavett and Gall-D-N-E. I've got three words that are one word. Mike has three words that are three words. All of mine are like dag-nab-it and gall-d-darn. You're the mash-up where you're like, I'm just going to change a couple letters in here. Exactly. I'm going to keep it simple again.

I'm, I got the shortest list. I don't got these big old long triple-letter words scores. I'm going no fudge. I mean, we're hitting no fudge. That's a classic. With pick number three. That's a classic. Because you're like, like when a kid says it, you're like,

What did you Oh, okay, all right, okay, but I'm watching you. I do use that. I used it last night I was, um, I was in the kitchen making a, I was making a short rib and I splashed hot grease. This burn. Oh, you got a burn there. I burned myself last night.

You see that. From a hot boiling grease that splashed out and got me. It looks like it would have been hot. And I was in the company of children and it was. It was an whole fudge. Yeah. Because if you get enough, if you catch your wits about you, you can save it. Wasn't it amazing?

I can remember to this day. Like I have a, how's my memory? Terrible. Awful. I can remember to this day. I was at a friend's house for a sleepover. I didn't know this family, his parents very well, but they were nice church going folk. Right.

Like your papa. Mm-hmm. Right. And they ordered pizza. And they ordered a couple two leaders. and when the two leaders showed up they opened one of the two leaders. Oh, it explodes. And this...

Did their potty mouth come out? This mom, this nicest, purest, cleanest mother dropped some... Just like that. When you burned yourself, she dropped a few words I'd never heard before. And I was in... My jaw hit the floor. I can remember the, like, one time my mom ever cursed, too. I remember the one time my mom cursed, but it was like...

It was like, it meant something. It meant something. Oh, I was like, oh, business time. I was, we were in like a fight and I was being a teenage whatever. And then she dropped a word that she doesn't use. And I went, I am wrong. I am wrong. Yes.

Yes. You have proven me wrong via your use of this language. I was, this one is like, I still do not curse in front of my children. And we went to Disney World. And we went on Tower of Terror for the first timer. No, I had been on it before, but it had been a long time. It's their first time. Yeah.

But I was like, because I pass on a lot of rides now. I was like, okay, I'm doing it. I'm forced myself on. Dude, I was terrified. And when those doors closed, it just came out. And it was so loud. And I was like, oh, I was so embarrassed. And my kids, they lost it.

Yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, dad is scared. All right. I'm going, we do fantasy football. Sometimes you've got a sleeper pick, man. This thing, this thing ain't nobody's list. You got late rounders? This is just a late round value.

It's from the left field bleachers, baby. It's jumping Jehosa fat. We're going jumping Jehosephat to finish it out. Nice. Nice. Yeah, what is? I don't even know what that is, but he's jumping. Oh, yeah.

Jumping Jehosephat. I've never heard you use that one. Oh, it's an uncommon one. Yeah. I'm saving it still. It's going to come back around someday. There you go There's my sleeper pick

Well Do you not even Oh poor I have no idea Here's a little spoiler Port Papa Josh He all the stuff we're spelling He's got no clue how to put it on the board

You've had no problem with mine Josh Jeh Jeh Jeh Jehhhhh I figured it was And it's Jh Jeh

Jhh Hoseph If you say the other one That is profane Just so you know in the future You can Google things first Yeah it's true He's like, I gotta get it up.

I gotta get it up on that board immediately. Well, you can copy paste from Google. Okay, so I got my last one. I'm gonna do the opposite of you, Andy. You went low. You went for the, the, oncoming. Are you going like darn? No, no, no, no.

I'm going way. You're going like crap. No, no, I'm going way above that. Are you going like heck? No, I'm going way about. Are you going like Frick? No, no, no. Way worse.

Dang. Way worse, not simple. Shoot. I'm going straight to the worst. Okay. I'm going mother father. Okay. That's it.

Okay. That's it. Mother father. Mike, you're up. Don't say that. Somehow it's not allowed. That's, that's, that's, you can you spell that one? Can you spell that one?

Very close. That one is just mom and dad. It's just mom and dad. Yeah, that's true. Mother father. All right. I can't even say it fast. Mike, close us out.

Only Toledo is your last pick. I'm going to close. This one is not, this one doesn't do the, like, it's, oh, that's a fun. thing to say this is just this is one of my go-toes I will hit you with a good grief good grief right underrated just a closet simple just good grief the alliteration there man yeah yeah yeah it really hits yep so

that one that's a good one yeah I like it I like it a lot we dang darn crap chewed frick heck those were the all the other all the low hanging I have a freaking what in the Sam Hill I love oh that's good I got what the Dickens. Ooh. Apparently there's an alternate to G. Louise that is cheese Louise.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Mother of Pearl. Yeah, that one I do know. Shut the front door. Yeah, that one's on there. I've got cheese and rice. Yes.

You don't want to take that name and name. Oh, I have Pish Posh. Oh, Pish Pah. Bull hockey. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And then the one that I was probably closest to taking with my last one because it can be positive.

And I, you guys got some that can be really. positive, but shiznit. You know? What did we learn today? I use that a lot growing up. Yeah, okay. All right. What did you learn today, Jay? Because I learned that at my age, I actually prefer the bottom bunk. Yeah. You taught me. What did I? Shout out to the proxie docs out there. Jason is just years away from a really big problem with his house. Oh my gosh. That's years. Yeah. And I learned I need to get a contractor

out there and take a look at that. my gosh, shut the front door. Am I right? Thank you for joining us on a new episode of the Spitballers. We will talk with you soon. Take care. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.