Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Scissor Shortages & The Worst Places To Be Known By Name - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Jason, we talked about this. Jason. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Jason, we talked about this. Yes, we did, Mike.

We talked about this. We did talk about it. We talked about it, and that's why it happened. That wasn't even a cough. It was clearing my throat, as you need to do, sir. Ha ha ha ha. Ah. So, Jason's start to the show is sabotage the scat yet again and then just a flying elbow

off the top ropes on a guy who's sick. Yeah, we're off to a good start Mike, you're right. You are correct. Andy, how are you feeling today? I feel better than my voice sounds. Oh, that's great news, because it doesn't sound like you're feeling good. I feel good, but my voice feels bad.

Okay. But we are here with a new episode that you guys will talk so much during. We'll carry, we'll carry. We power through. You know, this is one of those situations where the people demand new episodes. They're like, man, I need another one of these.

And so we're here. We are here. We have- Hey, this is what you asked for. Yeah. You asked for this. This is what you demanded. Remember that. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, man,

I pushed too hard. I feel fine. I'm not actually about to die, even though it sounds like maybe this is my last couple words on the Earth. But we've got Would You Rather, Man of the People today. That's fun. And we are drafting the worst places to be known by name. I'm very excited for this show.

And just totally unrelated. Andy, are your affairs in order? Unrelated. Yeah. Just your last will and testament, all that stuff. I just want to make sure that it's all up to date, for no reason. It's funny, because if the situation was reversed,

if it was Jason, and because I'm the next scat, I would think Jason might prefer death To doing the scat so well he doesn't do it anymore When's the last real Jason scat I mean we're talking how much months ago I think it was the last time around but no because we gave one up. We don't Yeah, that was great it's been months I love it it will continue to be months Mike have the people lost respect for Jason you think I don't think you can have what you never have what his dad may never die all right here we go Would you rather?

All right, Darth Darfy from the website. Okay. Wants to give me a fun name to pronounce. Would you rather be able to use your middle finger and pointer fingers as scissors? Like legit, they work. Yeah, no, let me just do it with the amount of Amazon packages and stuff. Okay. Or use your pointer finger as a writing utensil is

Is it strange that I mean like I've thought about you know, you you like right on a tablet So it's you I've had the thought process of oh, what if you could write with your finger? I have never in all my years on this earth thought about using Actually using them as scissors, you know, like you'll pantomime, but I've never gone through the thought process of, like, what if I could actually cut things with my fingers? I assume you wouldn't be, like, a danger to yourself. That would be awesome. No, no, no, it has to be foolproof. It's like when you want to use them as scissors, you use them as scissors. It's kids' scissors. Well, it's kids' scissors. The real question here is can I open a security package? Like I get

something that is one of those plastic hanging things from a retail store that you can't get into and even with the most powerful scissors in the world. Can I snip a zip tie? Yeah, you should be able to- A zip tie, that's easy. Okay. If you could snip a zip tie, then you're good to go. The security package, I don't know. That's a regular scissors struggle with those things. You get injured. Way back in the day, I used to be a manager at a Best Buy.

And we had, over the course of a year, probably four or five. He was the head of cassette sales. We had four or five real like medical problems and 100% of them was workers at the customer service line cutting themselves not with scissors but with the packages like you. Oh because they're so sharp. Once you cut those packages and you try to pull them apart. Yep.

You make one little mistake and it's like. Game over man. Your hand is sliced, indeed. Ha ha ha ha. Here's something interesting I learned yesterday. I went to the doctor's office to take my son. And they had me. Yeah, your son needed to go to the doctor.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I mean, I did, but that's funny. They handed me, like, I'm just not used to this. A lot of places have like electronic registration and stuff where you fill out the forms online before him. They hand me just too many papers to fill out. And he's already been at this office.

They were old school papers. They didn't give you a tablet? No, no, no, no, no. This is a clipboard, four sheets, front and back. Front and back, four sheets, that's eight sheets. Right. And they, he's been here before, but it's a new system. So they need all this information. Import it over, don't make me do your work.

So I'm just- Also, get a tablet. I'm just telling you- Wait, the new system was paper? Yes. Yeah, yes. We upgraded the paper. Yeah, it used to be-

It's a new system, We actually downgraded. We went back a couple years. What's crazy, though, is how impatient I got writing. Because I was filling out these forms. I just realized I don't write a lot. Because I'm looking at this question with the pointer finger and needing a pencil or a pen. I don't find that my problem with writing

is convenience of finding a pen. So I don't think that's very practical. But I was so impatient. I felt so annoyed that I had to write. Yeah, I mean. And that used to be normal. How often do you really use a pen? It's funny because the comparison between,

if you look back like 10 years ago, certainly 20 years ago, how often you needed a writing utensil versus how often you needed scissors was 300 to one. You needed a writing utensil all day, every day, nonstop. People carried them around with them. Yeah, the pocket protectors. But now it's like I use scissors.

Back when he was the best buy manager. I use scissors way more than I use physical writing utensils. And they, scissors for what it's worth, they do, they are manufactured to disintegrate. Like you don't know where they are. Like you buy them. Holy, holy. Oh yeah, like as in like Thanos snapped off of the Earth. Yes, they get snapped, like something about them.

Oh yeah. Like I buy a pack of five or six scissors every month to disappear in my home. I have the solution for you. Wait. And I have done this myself. Do you chain it? Do you chain it to the wall?

That will never work. That will still disappear. It's like the gas station bathroom key. You attach a giant thing to it. It's still missing from the end though. I have done this twice in my life. This is a true story. I've done this twice in my life. This is a true story. I've done this twice in my life.

The first time was a joke, the second time was just an answer. Long ago, several years ago, we had big, big time problems in our morning routine. Every single morning there would be a fight, a yelling match, getting ready for school because we couldn't find hairbrushes. We have hairbrushes, but they're gone.

They just disappear. We're like, no, I know we have, there was one. And there's hair that needs to be brushed. And so what I did, this time as a joke, was I went and I bought every single hairbrush that Amazon sells. And I had them show up in individual packages for about a week, and we never, I mean, you could open any drawer in the house,

and there is a hairbrush. That's how many you have now? That's how, well, we're down, we're needing a rebuy. They had it disappeared yet. But I had the same experience more recently with scissors. It was like, I hid scissors. I personally put two pairs of scissors in the third drawer down, the third drawer down

where people don't use, they don't look at that. They disappeared, I'm like, how? So I did it again. I don't know where they're at. I just bought, I bought 50 scissors, man. I bought the bulk package scissors, I bought different types, and I just flooded my house

with scissors. I am not joking, this was yesterday, I could not find a pair of scissors. They disintegrate. If I could use my hand to cut things. We're all on Team Scissors here. Oh, we're on Team Scissors. I do, two points, I thought it was going to be, it goes up with your ratio of children, but then I thought about this office, and it's like,

the scissors that I normally have by my workstation have frequently been just, I'm like, where, my scissors are gone. I don't know, did I take them? Did someone else take them? But then, Jason, I had the realization, if our hands become scissors, yeah, you made your way there. How long until you just wake up and your hand is gone?

It's gonna happen. Because it's the rule of scissors. The universe says scissors must vanish at some point. So you'll wake up without a hand. That's why big scissors can manufacture and sell so many scissors. Because theoretically- Is there a man just sneaking around

and stealing everyone's scissors? Has anybody ever had a pair of scissors that went bad? They don't go bad. I had to sharpen these because I used them so well. If they didn't disappear, they would never have to sell more scissors. So there's something they're doing. Yeah, that is- Somebody comes into your house and like a Santa's scissor claws or something.

It hits the underpants gnomes and they're here for your scissors. No one listening is like, oh, I've had these scissors for 20 years. Yeah. Or it was a family heirloom. Right. No, you don't. No, you didn't. All right, we're on Team Scissors.

Yeah. And I mean, that would just be awesome. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Maybe to cut that. Now, just to be realistic here, OK? Oh, does it make the sound, too? Well, it's got a shh. I mean, they're scissors.

But the thing is, let's be realistic. Trying to dip over here. If your fingers were scissors, you replaced them and they were sharp, nice quality scissors, but you only had your actual finger strength to cut. Mm, instead of hand strength? Right, right, right, right.

Oh, yeah. Oh, security pad could just not happen. I can cut a piece of paper, I can cut a piece of instead of hand strength? Oh yeah. Like security pad could just not happen. I can cut a piece of paper but I can't use these scissors for anything. Well I mean it depends on how sharp they are. Wouldn't you be able to like, couldn't you work out that motion? Yeah you could work out that. Is it stronger? Yeah for sure. But you're gonna start at your construction paper. Yeah for sure. Because you're like I'm working out. Noah from the website would you rather increase the strength in one of your arms by 25% or increase the strength in one of your legs by 50%. Oh. Now I just this morning I showed this just this morning I showed Jason the video of a gentleman dare I say a crazy gentleman

on Instagram. Dare you say a monster? A monster. He is one trap guy? This is one trap guy. Okay. There's a gentleman on Instagram that has worked out one trap for 200 days and he looks like he is Quasimodo and And it is like your your neck muscle. Yes. So he has one huge trap muscle and one completely atrophied scrawny trap and he looks like a creature from the Black Lagoon. And the saddest part is that the one trap is amazing. The one trap looks so good. Like like if you held up a sheet of paper in front of your face that covered him halfway you'd be like that's a handsome dude, and then you take that sheet down you go Yeah, yeah, so the idea of having like one leg or one arm way way stronger and the benefits of that I

Mean why do you need one leg stronger? There's no benefit to one way your own you're getting one limb stronger Yeah, but I mean... No matter what. Fifty percent stronger leg, one of them only, unless I play soccer. I feel like basketball makes sense. You jump off of... Like your left leg? Yeah. If I'm trying to dunk, I would always be jumping off my left leg.

Okay, so dunking. And so if that's way stronger, I can do a jump better. If I was doing a high jump great that makes sense Outside of those cases that I'm not going to be using not gonna be Duncan anymore There are a lot of things where having a stronger single arm. I mean we already right now. We have a dominant arm We've got a stronger arm for sure give me that arm just stronger How how much of a disparity do you have, like if you do curls?

Because I'll do curls and my left arm is just not as strong as my right arm. But is it a big disparity for you? It's not a huge disparity for me. I mean, certainly my right is stronger than my left, but I'm also kind of ambidextrous. I'm left handed. I think I'm a little closer. The strength is quite close. Like if you're doing actual workout at a high weight for that exercise, it's like I can get...

I feel like two reps short. Yeah. Two reps short is about what I feel is like. That's exactly where I was going to get there. It's like when you get to eight or whatever on your left arm, you're like, ooh, this was easier with the right arm. And that's just from using your dominant arm in general? I think so.

Okay. So we're all going arms though? I'm pretty interested in the leg. Are you? Yeah, I mean. What would be your favorite use case? Kicking people. Kicking people.

Would you swim in a circle? Ooh, that's a good point. Oh, like if you're just trying to swim straight. If you're trying to swim straight along your legs. When you swim in a circle? Ooh, that's a good point. Oh, like if you're just trying to swim straight. If you're trying to swim straight along your legs. Well not in this swim, when you're running. Are you running in a slightly tilted to the right? I don't think it's our strength that causes direction. I'm just guessing, but I don't think so. Yeah, that would be more like a longer or shorter leg.

Or a foot. If your foot was way longer. But your muscles are involved in all of the running. If one leg is that, that's 50% stronger than the other leg. But you control your muscles. If you want to run straight, you can. But your natural gait, if you're not thinking about it, I bet you're veering over to the right. You could kick indoors better. Yes, that's what I'm saying. But like, let's say you had- Which I do a lot.

If you're getting back to swimming. Nobody people I saved from that fire, because I what I'm saying. But like, let's say you had- Which I do a lot. If you're getting back to swimming. Know any people I saved from that fire? Cause I kicking down doors. If you were to have one flipper on, you know what I mean? Like you have a flipper on your right foot. How hard would that be to just swim straight? You'd have to really overcompensate with your arms.

I don't think you could swim straight. Impossible. I agree. If you only have one flip run, I don't think you could. No. All right. What a great conversation. Spencer from Patreon. Would you rather hear everybody else at two times? Also like two times speed? Is that what this is? And you speak at half speed or hear everyone else at half speed and you speak at two times speed. You'd sound a lot smarter than everyone. If you're the fast. I just like to be able to speak at all. Yeah, that is fair. It reminds me of the monsters who listen to podcasts at extra speed. There's a lot of people. Oh, it's very common. I get the efficiency. I want to get as much information in a limited amount of time,

but so much of the conversation is lost by all the pacing of everything. Nuance. Exactly. The nuance is totally gone. Why not just have AI read it all? Right? Like if you don't hear a conversational speech, that's why I can't. But people watch TV shows that way. I just found- What? TV? I just found out that, um... That is a crime. One of the people that is a writer for our fantasy footballers will watch Survivor episodes at 1.25.

Oh, okay, Survivor. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Good lord, yeah, we gotta get this thing over as soon as possible. Holy moly, was this an hour and a half episode? Come on. I'd watch that thing at a 5X. That makes complete sense. Yeah, I would skip to the end, maybe just look online. Who was voted out?

Right. Watched it. That's how I would approach Survivor. Well done. Sometimes I feel like I speak too fast to begin with. I don't think I want to be at 2X. But if you're half speed, you do seem unintelligent. I feel like Mike would really enjoy everyone else

being at two times speed, because you get those conversations over. Get it over with? Yeah. Yeah, that would be a perk. Just like, I don't have to listen to you for as long as I usually used to. And if I speak at half speed compared to them,

they're not gonna wanna be in this conversation any more than I'm gonna wanna be in it. This is gonna work out real well. Yo, I didn't think about it this way, Jay, but you nailed it, perfect. Are you on, what team are you on? I'm really not sure. It's entertaining. Like I've listened to podcasts on both methods. Slower?

Yeah, on slower because it's entertaining. Oh, right. Because it sounds like... Everyone sounds like they are inebriated. Yes, they are struggling to have thoughts. Do it right now. So it kind of sounds I like you but you're weird I don't know man I don't know if that would be entertaining long term or just purely annoying I think I would I think I would rather speak in half do you have speed and listen to everyone else I think I'm the opposite because I think I would get impatient with my own speech. Oh, you would. But you could control it.

You could just not talk. That's true. Say half the words. You're right. All right, we'll take a break. We'll do some Man of the People. Man of the same. We're going to play some Man of the People. Let's do it. I want to break in real quick and ask, because... I'm

the current Man of the people, by the way. Oh, congratulations. I just saw this. You're just learning. On the Spitballers, these are our people. Spitball's out there. We peel back the curtain. We don't put up any walls here.

And so I'll just say, right before recording the show, we had a conversation of like, we're sitting down. And Andy was like, you know, we're like, we could still record this one tomorrow. Should we push it a day? But we were all here, the set was ready, we were ready to go. And so I just wanna revisit that and see Andy,

now that we're halfway through the episode. What do you think about your decision to say, let's just press forward? It's not been great. It's not been great. It's not been great. I'm tired. I realize it's a lot of work to speak with words. But I have no guarantee that tomorrow's any better.

So let's just rock this thing. That's fair. We'll revisit tomorrow and see if. So man of the people, this is a game we play, and Al Borland runs it, he's gone out, he's hit the streets, he's surveyed thousands of real people, and that's the game we're playing. I think it's 100?

Yeah, it's 100. And so we're all gonna buzz in. But over many questions, maybe thousands of them. How many? That's fair. And we have what like three top answers? Five? Something like that? Yeah so there's three points. Six answers are on the board. Thank you. Three points if you get the number one answer. Got it. Two points

if you get the second answer. One point for any other correct answer. We're doing seven rounds and the last round is worth double the points. You know Al? Yes sir? Your voice has never sounded so good. You just, it's a delight to have you here. Compared to our house. I left, I left so much room for you guys to jump in and explain that game. And no one did anything. No one did anything. I did exactly what I wanted to do. And I jumped in and explained the rules.

Oh, you're, you're great. All right. All right, Al. All right. Let's go. Round one, name something about Winnie the Pooh that is different from real bears. He wears clothes? Wears a shirt is the number two answer. Oh, number two! Oh no, darn it! He speaks.

Oh, that's clearly the number one answer. He can talk is the number one answer. Yeah, I figured it out. Oh man, okay, he walks on two legs always. Bipedal? That is not on the board. Oh, I am shocked. The other answers were his color,

he has a physical honey jar, he has human friends and he is kind and gentle. Who gave, who answered that question? He is kind and gentle. Unlike real bears, yeah. Real bears stand on. He literally only walks on two legs. But real bears can stand on two legs.

Yeah, they can. No, no, no, but they don't only stand on two legs. You don't, they don't just walk around. You know, the best part about this game is you can take it up with the people. I didn't come up with these answers. I just love that someone answered, who's got, he's got his own honey jar.

That's so weird. I've never seen a bear with a honey jar. Of all the weird things about poos compared to a bear. Well, what's funny about Winnie the Pooh is he doesn't always have a honey jar, but he always is walking on two legs. People. Zero points. All right, we got Andy with three points, Mike with two points, Jason with a dud. We're

going into round two. Besides jewelry, name something a person might wear around their neck. Oh, besides jewelry. Well, you've buzzed in. Do're around a tie oh no a tie is the number two answer oh okay whatever all buzz a collar a collar is not on the board. Okay. Oh man, this is tough. Boop. Five.

Four. A noose. Oh my gosh. Look, nothing else was coming to my mind. Oh my gosh. Is it on the board? Tell me you live in Arizona without telling me you live in Arizona. No, that was not on the board, but scarf is the number one answer.

Oh yeah, like a neckerchief. A neckerchief, yes. Is Ascot on there? Ascot is not. So we had scarf at number one, tie at number two, ID badge at number three, a neck brace. Oh, like a lanyard. Neck brace at number four, your keys at number five, and glasses at number six. One of our other producers just broke into the chat and said did you just say no I mean, I don't think people wear that

Immediately as soon as I read the question you could see Jason laugh, and I knew what was going through his head at the time It was I didn't think he'd say it on the air I if I could have thought of anything else I would have said something else news was his default Big big fan. All right. What am I at right now through two rounds? We got Andy with five Mike with two Jason double dud I've not locked in right now My brain can't handle the seventh round is worth double so you can still lock in and win this thing round three rounds Do we do we do seven three, name something about babies that might make someone think twice

about becoming a parent. You buzzed before the question was over. You can always do that. Oh really? Yes. Oh, the crying. That is the number one answer. Yeah.

Way to lock in. Tapping. Tapping. Laughing. The loss of sleep. Sleepless nights is the number four answer. What? Changing diapers. The loss of sleep. Sleepless nights is the number four answer. What?

What? Changing diapers. That is the number two answer. Wow. Changing a diaper is, dude, that's lickety split. That's so easy. Changing a diaper is nothing. But from the outside, when you're about to have a baby, it's intimidating for people.

I figured that would be on the list, but I'm surprised number two, given that it wasn't the sleep, that it wasn't the sleep Wasn't it wasn't money. I would have thought money. What's your answer Mike the crying? Oh, yes, the worst part of the baby that cost was the number three answer Jason, okay, and then we had Kids the kids grow up and leave oh Like the fear of loss wanna have kids because they become adults? Four people, yeah, four people feel that way. I don't like watching movies, because there's an ending. Yeah, those credits make me feel bad.

All right, so we got Andy with seven, Mike with five, Jason on the board with one point. Moving into the fourth round. Name a household chore that you do your best thinking while doing. I'm gonna go shower. Oh my gosh. That is not a chore.

I thought, I thought. And it's also not on the board. But it's where everyone's best thinking is done. Cleaning. Cleaning what? Do I need to be more specific? Yeah, I bet. Washing dishes.

Washing dishes is the number one answer. Yeah, dang it, that's what I was gonna say. Vacuuming. Vaching dishes is the number one answer. Yeah, dang it, that's what. That was what I was gonna say, man. Vacuuming, vacuuming is the number four answer. Let's not abandon the fact that Jason has named a shower as a chore. Let us not, let us not. We need to revisit this.

Let's revisit the fact that he buzzed so quick because he wanted that chance at first place answer. Yeah, I did. And the thing that popped into his head was it wasn't noose this time, it was showering is a chore. I'm on fire. Yeah. Somebody is certainly not locked in and it's not you Mike. So the maximum amount of points someone can have right now it we're at 12. Yeah. That would be 12. So Andy Andy's doing extremely well. I just wanted a point. So 12 points you could have it. Jason has a Singular point, but I'm not a goose. That's true. All right. All right. He did not say shower confidently

I will say that well because it's not a chore So that was that was where I saw it going right, right? Yeah, Andy got dishes The number one answer number two was ironing number three sweeping Mike got vacuuming at four and then Dusting and laundry were five and so a lot of ironing going on iron as much as they used to know we get when were these questions Asked when you were a manager a best buy Hmm. That's a long time ago They wait. Can you still buy those you buy an iron? Yeah, you could buy an iron You're the good people show the goose right. You're the goose. I mean, people shouldn't. You're the goose right now in

Guess, Guess, Goose as well, right? Excuse me sir, we are playing Man of the People right now. All right, we're through four rounds. We got Andy with 10, Mike with six, Jason with. Next question. All right, round five. If I can find it.

Oh, here it is. Name something in the house that you may not use when people are trying to sleep. The vacuum again. Vacuum is the number one answer. Yeah! What? Eat it, eat it.

I'm coming back. I'm gonna go laundry machine. Laundry. Laundry machine. Dryer, dryer. It's not on the board. I just enjoyed the way you phrased it. It's funny because ours is directly next to our master bedroom and we ban the kids from doing laundry

past like eight o'clock. That is so cool that you could even have a world where you could ban your kids from doing laundry. Or we make them do their laundry. Well sure, we try too. But we certainly don't ever have to ban them. Never in a million years would we say these kids are doing so much laundry. Enough is enough. One load today you hear me? One. Don't you dare finish all your laundry.

That is pretty funny. So it's not on the board. What do you mean you need more detergent? Not on the board and you guys have given Mike plenty of time. It was stereo. Stereo is the number three answer. Okay I'll take it. Number two was TV and then we had blender, phone, and lights. Oh, blender. Rounding it out. Blender is a good answer. I'm right behind you Mike. Actually you are. He's gonna win. Oh come on. He's gonna win with the double points. We got Andy with ten, Mike with seven, Jason with four coming back and we've got two rounds left Round six name something Biologically that happens to aging men Yeah, you lose your hair

That is the number two answer. Jason! Just kidding. That's the number two answer. I wonder what number one is. Jason! The number two answer is baldness and gray hair. Good job, Mike. I'll break in. What do you got? I hope it's number one.

They get the weaker tired. Their tires are weaker. I'm sorry, that's not on the board. Don't do it. Don't you do it. What was the question? How is it worded? Name something biologically that happens to aging men. They shrink.

Okay, whoa. Good answer. Good answer. Oh, come on! I can't wait to hear the answers. We're going to go this way. Number one answer was wrinkles. Baldness, gray hair was two. Gaining weight, three. Nose and ear hair, four. Losing teeth and losing hearing, five and six.

Okay. Okay, all right. See, I don't feel like the qualifier. Hold on. The qualifier of aging men only applied to the balding. Everything else was just aging. Right, 100%. Which is what threw me off. Yeah, I was focused on the actual question.

This is a problem. All right, what round are we? Mike picked up some ground here. We now have Andy with 10, Mike with nine, Jason with four. Going into the final round that's worth double points. So a max of six points here. So I can still tie Andy here. As long as he doesn't get an answer, that is correct. Name a position played in the

game of baseball. Oh, pitcher. That is the number one answer. Oh, I'm tied with you, Andy. If he can't think of another position, I'm good. I'll go first base. That is on the board at number four. That's fine. I'm trying to think.

I would say shortstop. That is number three. It was catcher number two. Catcher was number two. It was tough to prioritize him. So what does that leave us? You won. 12, 11, 10?

Correct, yeah, okay I'm thrilled. I just wanted to make sure that I didn't lose that got close quick Yeah, but Andy retains his championship as congratulations and our show is still on the air Thank goodness for that. We'll take a break if sponsors still want to sponsor the show This is where the ads will be and then we'll come back to the draft. The Spitballers Draft. What are we drafting? We are drafting

Worst Places to be known by name And I am first up I did I realized that one second ago All right worst places to be known by name like you show up you walk in everyone's like oh by name. Like you show up, you walk in, everyone's like, oh hey Jason, and you're like, Jason's here again. You're like, oh. I'm gonna say this was the first thing I put on my list. I don't know that there's a clear 101 here, but the emergency room is certainly a place where I do not want to be known by name. I don't want, that just insinuates I visit this place a lot, and I don't't wanna go to the emergency room.

You don't wanna be Tim the Toolman Taylor. For multiple reasons. I don't want the cost of an emergency room, and I don't want the health problems of having to visit the emergency room. That's fair. I'm gonna go with the ER. That makes sense.

I will go with, I'm gonna go with prison. Yeah, that one's very high on my list. I just don't want, I don want to be like, oh, hey It's you again. Hey Andy. Welcome back Andy. That's not something I want Yeah, I felt like there were two answers that you guys were gonna take which jail was one of them So I will take the other one You don't want to have this happen repeatedly repeatedly where you show up to your divorce court and they're like, oh, welcome back, Mr. Wrights.

We've already got your seat ready for you. Again. Like, will you be having your usual representation? You're like, yeah, I'm here, thank you, thank you, good to see you again, Judge. Makes sense. So I thought those were the two answers where it's like, that's the easier ones.

Now. I didn't have that on my list. Really? Yeah. I thought those were the two answers where it's like that's the easier ones. Now... I didn't have that on my list. Really? Oh. Did you have divorce court on your list? I did not. Oh, okay. Well, I got on the list and my second pick I'm gonna go with Arby's. Yep. Yep. It's a wonderful, wonderful answer. Which, let me preface that with saying I will eat the heck out of some Arby's. Oh yeah, you just don't wanna be known by name. I don't want them to know me. I will shamefully show up.

Like if you walk in and they'd say, oh hey Mike, you want your usual? Like is that the end? Is your life over? Yeah, I think, well it's gonna be real soon. Right, yeah. Are you proud of that? You walk in like, hey Mike, hey what's up?

Hey! I had Ar what's up? Hey. I had Arby's on my list. Oh, seriously? Yeah, he did. I was so positive that I would get Arby's with my last pick. The fact that we're competing to have Arby's as a top pick in the worst places to be known by name, it's not that I wouldn't eat some Arby's.

It's that I can't be known as the guy who eats Arby's. Yeah. And it's worse than McDonald's. It's worse than anyplace else. There's something just like viscerally gluttonous about a pound of roast beef. Love Arby's so much. Yeah, I know.

Dude, beef and cheddar? So good. Big Montana? There's nothing. Oh, man. I mean, it is poison, to be clear, but delicious poison. The curly fries. Oh my good and they got turnovers there? I was just gonna bring it up if you didn't like. Dude. The turnovers are the best dessert of any fast food place. Yes we have had that discussion

of like an apple or a cherry turnover is elite. Also I'm thinking Arby Also, I think I know what we're getting from you. Yeah. Just don't know our name. Just going with the disguise. Is it back to me? It sure is. OK. I'm going to go with the principal's office. Ah, that was my thing.

I'm going to go with the principal's office, because look, you grow up with this. You know, the longer you spent in your grade school years not going to a principal's office, the more intimidating that thought became for me as a kid. Like the idea of being called into the principal's office to be in trouble with this supposed like mythical figure of the principal,

I don't wanna be known on a first name basis by the principal. Yeah, no, that's- I wanna blend in. For sure basis by the principal. Yeah, no, that's I want to blend in for sure I mean I if the principal knew your name What's the count for you two gentlemen? I want to know how many versus to the personal visits. I had one I had one. I'm a goose egg, baby. Oh well done Mike. I had one very memorable I did too. Yeah, and

One was all it took. Yeah, all right, so I am back up. I'm gonna go with a lost and found. Dude, it's on my list! Yeah, I mean, it's just one of those things that's so embarrassing. Yes, exactly, exactly. Going there once, going there once

to any lost and found, it's embarrassing. You'd say, I couldn't keep track of my stuff. I had to come back. And if you're embarrassed to go once, by the time they know your name, that is like, I mean, they should just be mailing it to you. You know, it's like, ah, it's probably Jason's. So I think that one is high up

just because of pure embarrassment. And the next one, I think I will make some people a little upset. Oh. There are some people very proud of having their name known, but I just can't. It's just not for you. He's going to say library.

Yeah. I mean, sure, for sure. I'm going to say a bowling alley. I don't know, man. What? Yeah, I don't want. What? Yeah, bowling alleys, they're dirty. Yeah. They're nasty. Yeah. All of those things. And then you know what? They're awesome. A bowling alley is great. But to be known by me. If he went to one, he'd have to do that shower chore afterwards. I'd have to wash my hands.

I just think- You look down on bowlers is what you're saying. So- Because if you're a regular bowler, you'll be known by name there. Yes. So regular bowlers you despise. Regular bowlers, yeah. I can enjoy going to a bowling alley, but I don't want to be... Like if that's what I'm known for, going after bowlers.

This is very interesting. Going after bowlers, huh? I know, that's what I'm known for, going after bowlers. This is very interesting. Going after bowlers. I know, that's what I said. I'm gonna make some people upset because I don't know, man. It just feels like. A bowling alley. That's your pinnacle. Like that's your, if you're known by name

at the bowling alley, it insinuates your pinnacle is you're a bowler. Or your hobby is you're a bowler. Nah. So you wouldn't join a bowling league. I think anyone whose name is known by the bowling alley. I'm not talking about their buddies that, you know, oh, we're there.

But it's like the bowling alley knows that person. That is that person's claim to fame. That is the, like, Arby's? And you think that that's bad, though. Correct. That's the problem. Because it's like, you didn't say a guy that goes and plays ping. Correct. That's the problem, because it's like, you didn't say a guy that goes and plays ping pong sometimes.

No, no, no. It's a bowlers position. Or the pickleball place. Are you a bad bowler, Jason? I'm an average bowler. I'm not a great bowler. I'm not terrible at bowl. He doesn't go enough.

And I want them to know who I am. I understand. Yeah, when you walk out of a bowling alley, you're just like, I got the funk on me. I got to go change. I got to go shower, but I love a bowling alley. I get that. Just that absolute garbage, nasty food. So greasy. It's so good. I enjoy. I think it feels like they still, I bet if you find anywhere where they allow smoking inside, it's a bowling alley would be the first place I would live.

If we wanted to go bowling tonight, I'm down. It's really about, I feel like once you cross that threshold to where they know you by name. I hope Brooks never hears this. I don't believe that the Bowling Alley knew him by name. Is it back to me? It is. Yeah.

Look, it's the liquor store. Yeah. Okay, yeah. It's the liquor store. That's shameful. It's just, I mean, you're not even trying to mix up the places at that point, you know what I mean? You can go to a bunch of different places.

You could go to, if it's like, hey, Dan, welcome back. Because it doesn't feel classy. Now, a tap room? Doesn't bother me at all. That's fine. Classy. That's like, yeah, you want your umbrella? Yeah, no problem.

But I'll go liquor store. I don't know. All right, I get it. It is funny, because at a bar. There is classy drinking. At a bar, there's something nice about that. Oh, a wine room? Yeah, there's a speakeasy I love I love it they know yeah exactly cheers

where everybody knows but if you're going it literally says where everyone knows your name but if you're if but if you're going to the liquor store yeah that's like I'm drinking at home yeah. I mean, that's the shameful part. Okay, Mike, two picks. And we'll just keep going with devices and I will say casino. I don't like, and I love me the tables. I just don't want everyone there to know who I am. Sure, sure.

I want to be anonymous under the radar. They're just like, have I seen this guy before? Ah, I don't know. And I'm just like, yeah, let's keep it that way. I'm gonna be anonymous under the radar. They're just like, have I seen this guy before? Ah, I don't know. And I'm just like, yeah, let's keep it that way. I'm gonna be honest, Mike. I'll be back tomorrow. I'm gonna be honest, Mike. When the dealer knows who you are,

oh, it feels good. So your claim to fame is going to the tables. Oh, for sure. When you're caught bowling, but goes to the only place where smoking is more often. Yes, correct, correct. But like- Yeah, there you can definitely find a place to smoke outside.

But I'm just, I'm telling you, if you get the same dealers, you get going on, you know, it accentuates the process. He's coming off a Vegas trip. He's feeling real good about the tables. Yeah, I know, I know. Mike, you got another one. Okay. I will present it and I will just pass the baton. Oh no. Chuck E. Cheese.

Moving on to Andy. Gross. Okay. There's usually one right next to a bowling alley. I will close it out with the TSA screening line. So if I'm at an airport and the TSA people know me by name. You're just a traveler then. That's not good.

No? I feel like if they know you by name. You're a businessman. It's like are you here for your routine cavities. But you get stopped if they know you by name. Yeah, that's right. If you are a traveler and you're traveling every single day through the line. I want no eye contact with them at all. Much less know you by name. Yeah, that's a... If you are a traveler and you're traveling every single day through the line and you just...

I want no eye contact with them at all. Yeah. Much less them knowing my name. I don't have any conversation with any TSA person ever until it's, sir, you need to step over here. So they're gonna get to know your name when you're bringing too many things through the... I feel like, if though, if you're a frequent traveler

and the TSA people know you, they're just gonna be like, man, go through. See to me, the TSA people are always different people. They're different avatars every time. So if they know me by name, that's because I'm on a list. You got a photo of me. I'm on a list. There's a photo.

Stop this guy. Check his orifices. All right, Jason, you are back up. All right. I think for my pick... We're almost done. Or if it's all right Jason you are back up All right We're almost done almost almost out of here I'm gonna go with I'm between two

One is more embarrassing for me one is just worse for everybody. I'm gonna take the next door app next door app. Oh, that's such a good pick. I had HOA on my list. That's such a good pick. Don't be known as the next door person. No, you don't want, like it's nice. Those kids were playing on their bikes again. It's nice when your neighbor knows your name. It is not a good thing when everyone in the neighborhood knows your name. Yes. You know, it's like that's, that is, there's a reason. You know, it's like, oh, that's Jimmy. Yeah. Goof. We've got a guy on our block who I am friends with,

I'm gonna put that out there, but it's his block. Oh, he's the big man on the block? He will protect his neighbors with force if necessary. And he's told me this, but he keeps it on lock and I'm just so happy he's on my team is all I'm saying So that's that is so absurd. Yeah, I'll tell you more about it. Yeah. All right But um, there you go. Worst places to be know my name other places that came up the HOA I had that mic as well the pawn shop

I mean, yeah, you can't be you can't be regularly in the pawn shop hawking stuff No, eventually you're gonna run out of stuff. I wrote down the mall slash Santa's lap Yeah But Santa should know you by name not if you're an adult and Old country buffet was my backup to Arby's I had Applebee's on my list Yeah, Arby's took that one out now bonds office. Yeah fortune Okay I had Applebee's on my list, so Arby's took that one out. Al Bond's office. Yeah, 4chan. OK. Oh, OK.

What did we learn today? We learned that Jason has an unspeakable despising of regular bowlers. That is not a hobby he approves. And Jason also finds showering to be a chore. Yeah. And in addition to that, I found out that there is no such thing as a 10-year-old pair of scissors.

No, there's not. They don't exist. They don't. They don't. Thank you for tuning in, everybody. They're all buried somewhere. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.