Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Search History Surprise & Things That Are Purple - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

Spit Hit for April 3rd, 2025:Today we talk about c-sickness, mystery search history, and who would win in a hypothetical superhero battle. We also discern the differences between some commonly confused words. Finally, we do a draft of things that are purple. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down for that. I came with the P today. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good.

I'm in. Alright. That was fine. You were, I thought you were a robot. Oh yeah? Yeah. Were you going for a robot? I was not going going I was going was so we're doing a purple draft today So the letter is just the letter wanted plosions Plosions that was my motivation and now we approach my favorite part of the spitballers comedy podcast Which is the furthest I am away from scatting again. Yeah this moment in time right now. This is the greatest This is the farthest you can get from from scatting again. Yeah, this moment in time right now. This is the greatest. This is the farthest you can get from a scat. Feels good, feels real good. And you did well.

I mean, you have such a wide range of outcomes, all the way from like the most terrible scats to like kind of bad ones. Right, and that was just kind of bad. And so anywhere in that range, no, that was good. I like it, welcome in. I liked it.

Yeah, we liked your scat. Thank you guys. You're welcome. Thank you. Cause I didn it. Welcome in. I liked it. Yeah, we liked your scat Cuz I didn't You rap scallion this is coming from mr. No idea poodle over there Would you rather what's the difference and we are drafted that you missed you could have said poodle. I should have Stayed with my plosions. We are drafting things that are purple on today's episode. Thank you for joining us. Al Borland is here. What's up, spit wads? There he is. There he is. Papa Josh in the building as well.

Gross. What's up, spit wads? There you go. And let's kick it off. Would you rather... Alright, Stephane from Patreon says, would you rather receive one million in cash or a $5 million Amazon gift card? That's so funny. That's a good question.

That's actually legitimate. You can't buy vehicles and real estate on Amazon. No. So, those would be off the table. They probably have tiny houses. You could buy a bunch of tiny houses to construct a bigger house. Just saying. But I'm saying in theory, the big events, someone gets a million dollars, the number one thing they say normally is, I'm going to buy a new house or I'm gonna buy a new car.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So that might, other than the tiny house or like a bunch of e-bikes that Mike is picking up, but $5 million on Amazon is, I mean, most other stuff in life will be free for you forever. I'm looking up the most expensive stuff possible, guys. Are you, are you? I was thinking, obviously, your groceries are free for life forever. I'm looking up the most expensive stuff possible, guys. Are you? Yeah. I was thinking, obviously, your groceries

are free for life forever, because you buy them on Amazon. Sure. All of your household items or needs of any kind, any electronic, anything like that, free forever. Man, that's so weird, though. It is a weird situation. And you can't, like, I don't think

it'd be worth your time to try to buy and sell stuff. You know what I mean? Like, to buy expensive stuff and sell it for 50% in theory. Yeah, well, in theory you could buy $5 million worth of stuff, sell it for $2.5 million, you've got more than the million you got in cash. But the amount of work to buy and sell all of these things. So I have got some. You found the most expensive.

No, no. It's not what I found. Jewelry or alcohol? Someone at some point was trying to sell them $4 million oil painting from 1815. Oh, OK. That's not what I'm laughing at. That's a quick way to turn something over into a cat.

I am laughing at. So we are hashtag not a sponsor. We all use Amazon because the entire United States uses Amazon. We also have a company, Amazon, that we use to get our products here. Amazon tracks things that you've been searching for. Apparently, someone has been doing a lot of research

on massage chairs. No. You don't say. apparently someone has been doing a lot of research on massage chairs. No, you don't say. Because based on recent views, we need to buy a bunch of massage chairs. I can promise you, I know you guys think that's me. Yeah. But I have not searched Amazon for massage chairs. Who's doing it?

Occasionally there is a troll in this office Who does search for massage chairs to include them in me what I want from the company like we have a slack channel Where if you need like I don't know some more coffee you say so many massage chairs Who's searching for these? Let me just ask a follow-up question here, Mike. Mike, have you, let's say in the last week, purchased a massage chair? No, I can't. Owl, Owl, have you purchased a massage chair

in the last week? I have not. No. Papa Josh, have you purchased a massage chair in the last week? Nope. No, I too have not purchased a massage chair. Andy, have you purchased a massage chair in the past week? Oh, you have! Yeah, yeah, I too have not purchased a massage chair. Andy, have you purchased a massage chair in the past week?

Oh, you have. Yeah, yeah, I have. We're all trying to figure out who's searching for massage chairs. I feel like I've been framed. Maybe it was me. I think it was you, and you just don't remember. Maybe I did some research and don't remember, yeah.

Well, yeah, just normal stuff in our search history, guys. They would be on the- Chairs and rugs. Rugs? Boy. Good times. Look, I don't know how. This is a good question because if you had to like 1 million in cash or 2 million on Amazon,

it's an easy cash for me. I would agree. But because it's 5 million, it's five times as much. Jason's right, you can take that view, you could buy and flip the stuff. That could be your full-time job. Buy it, flip it, turn it into cash, and you're fine. And you're just drawing,

you're almost just drawing on your $5 million. Right. In fact, if you did that, boy, would you avoid taxes kinda? Because if you sold a bunch of stuff for cash, I mean, not that I recommend you don't report your offer up sales. But whatever you sell, make sure it's paid for in cash.

You could kind of get around that. Yeah. You're just selling TVs for cash. The first thought I had was like, if you had to sell everything for 50%, you buy $5 million, you get $2.5 million, it's not worth the... I mean, you're talking about like 100,000 different things you've got to buy and sell, but then I realized, wait, that's an extra $1.5 million to sell stuff.

That's worth the work? Yeah, you could put that effort in. you could just take the five and invest it all right I mean like with five you could live forever oh it's the five is the Amazon yeah oh sorry welcome to the show I'm mr. search this actually brings up a good question can you buy like ETFs with you gift cards? Can you buy their stock? Can you buy their stock? No, you can't. Oh man.

No, I mean you could buy an unlimited amount of a lot of items. But from an expensive standpoint? You can buy a lot of chicken stock. Oh, chicken stock. You search for stock and you got chicken stock on Amazon. I just wanted to see. Yeah, that's about right. You can buy on Amazon. What kind of dividend you you got chicken stock on Amazon. I just wanted to see. Yeah, that's about right.

What kind of dividend you get on chicken stock. Stock. I'm almost surprised that you can't buy stocks on Amazon. They sell everything. You could buy a corporate stock certificate you have to fill out and give to people, like one of those. I think you have to take,. You're right, Andy. It's just too much. It's five times the amount. It's too much money. Yeah. And I'm thinking

you're going to buy. You're still going to buy things the rest of your life. So yeah, I'm going to take the five milli. Yes. And you can buy. Can't you buy other gift cards on Amazon? Oh, so at least you can translate it into other. There we go, baby. You can translate it into other stuff. Roblox currency baby. You can translate it into other stuff. Like Roblox. Currency exchange. Roblox. I searched gift cards as the first thing I saw. Some Roblox and some V-Bucks. Unlimited skins for me.

So some stuff that you couldn't get on Amazon, you could buy a gift card for those items. Yeah, like restaurants. You could go to the Olive Garden all you want. Yeah, only chains can you get the gift cards. All right, I'm going five million. Mike, are you in on that? Oh yeah, I'm going the five. Oh, bunch of Visa gift cards too, guys.

Oh, well there we go. Yeah, we did it. Five million of Visa gift cards. Yeah, we found the cheat. Yeah, still hard to buy a house with Visa gift cards. Oh man, that would be like. Sir, would you be taking out a loan? We're paying paying plastic today

Thousands of give house new question down with 100 you're selling your house Let's say you're selling your house for five hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, would you accept five hundred thousand gift cards? The answer is probably no Would you accept $500,000 in gift cards? The answer's probably no. No, of course not. How much more than your asking price would it need to be to accept it in Visa gift cards? I think if I'm selling a $500,000 house,

I'd need a million dollars in gift cards. So it's the 2X. Yeah, I think 2X. And then you go try to buy a house. I imagine Mike is lower than that. No. Really, you'd need the full 2X. So if someone offered you 600 in Visa gift cards. Can you take five?

You know, you couldn't take them to the bank. Well then, but I know, but the Visa gift cards are notorious of, they always have like their little hidden fees. These are guaranteed to work free. Yeah. No, you can't. I don't even know if that double works. They do have a maximum denomination like they're not million dollars How are you hundred dollars each the other hundred each you can't pay your rent You could your landlord will take I will give your landlord will take 2x

So now I'm back to even but I have a bunch of gift cards. Yeah. All right now. I'm just doing the math that means if if if I'm selling this house for a million dollars and each gift card is $100, that means I have 10,000 gift cards. That doesn't work. That doesn't work for life. Where do you, where do you hold?

That you have 1,000 safes. Yeah. Just sell your house like a normal person. Why are you even considering this? Where do you... You have 1,000 safes. Just sell your house like a normal person. Why are you even considering this? What a stupid question. Be normal. All right, Matt from the website, would you rather never get sick ever or never experience

traffic ever? Ooh. That's an interesting trade. I think it's unfair. Unfair trade. I think it's unfair. Unfair trade? I think it's unfair. Now, maybe the gravity of sickness goes further than my initial thought, but I'm thinking like.

The older you get it, Will. Is this just, I mean, is this like big sick or just common sick? Well, see, that makes a difference. It's all sick. If it's big sick, you have to go with that one. Right. Oh, do you mean like big sick, like sea sick? Yeah.

Oh, OK. Not like motion sickness, yes. I don't know what you were saying. You were saying like the big C, like cancer. But it sounded like, are we going all the way to sea sick? Like I could ride on a boat and not- That's kind of the maximum sick. Wait, hold on.

Would it take away seasickness? Does that count? It's called motion sickness. Absolutely. No motion sickness. We're riding our- Do I get roller coasters back? Yeah, you do.

You get roller coasters back. You go on cruises. I will sit in so much traffic if I can get just motion sickness away. Which you will to get to those places. That's fine. Yeah. And I will enjoy every moment of it. See, my initial thought was you've got to take the traffic because how often do you

get sick? Like... Just takes one big one, Jay. I know, I know, I know. I know, like motion sickness. Yes, exactly. But like if you're getting sick... You lose roller coasters.

Two or three times a year. Is that fair? Four times a year? Like once a quarter you get sick? That's a lot. Is it? I think if you said. Or if you're a Papa Josh once every 10 years.

I would say twice a year for maybe the average person. A couple colds. So twice a year versus, how often are you in traffic? Twice a week? Eh, not if I can avoid it. Yeah, if I never leave my house, I'm never in traffic. I guess I'd never have to think about that.

That's a weird thought. Because all of my, like as a very planning type of person, literally half of my thought process is how do I make this thing easier? I think about when the restaurant's gonna be more busy, or when the roads are gonna be more busy. Like if I could just get in my car at rush hour and drive out to Scotsdale.

Yeah, great. You got an airplane to catch? Doesn't matter what time. That's true. You just go. I just think it would be so much more frequently used. However, if this does include Sea sickness. Sea sickness.

Then you obviously have to take that. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that counts as like, you haven't come down with it like a sickness, right? I mean, I did. I was the older I got. No, not C-sick. I'm talking about C-sick.

Oh, the actual big six. That's not like you picked it up. It's not transmissible. Right. I think you have transmissible immunity. Okay, so just, so. Yeah, you can't catch nothing from no one. You're the best nurse you know.

So you can't get COVID. No, you can't catch nothing from no one. So you're the best nurse you know COVID no Yes, little see Yeah, catch anything from anybody This is tough if it doesn't include the big ones Yeah, and so you still break your leg and you can still get see sick. Yeah, well breaking legs not sick But you wouldn still get seasick. Yeah, well breaking legs is not sick. Uh. But you wouldn't get an infection. OK.

Oh, that's true. That's true. So go ahead, compound this fracture. I don't care. Yeah, I'm going to just choose never get sick, I guess. Yeah, I'm there too. Not that you don't handle sickness well, from what I've heard.

Thank you. Yeah. Wait, is this sarcasm? I think so. Oh, OK. Darn. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha like a joke, like a family joke. I didn't know you were going to take it personally. No, I just, at first I thought you were complimenting me. That's just, I just was like, oh, that's sweet of you to say. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What show am I on? Am I the butt of this joke? Yeah, yes, I am. Mike, which one? Never get sick. All right. John from Patreon, you've been given your choice of seats for your favorite artists concert. Would you rather sit front row or be on the stage but watching from the stage wings? This feels like a real, like Al Borland just personally

had this question, being a man of the stage. So you get to be on stage but you're on the side. So like behind the curtain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, yep. Or front row? Or front row. Front row's a little overrated, man. stage but you're on the side so I like like behind the curtain yeah yeah basically yep or front row front rows a little overrated front row is super overrated front row is yours you're not I mean you're certainly standing for the entirety of the show yeah which I guess is a normal front row see if they say there's no but there yes under your butt there is technically a seat but if you're

the front row you could without being blocked you can fight the trend and say I'm just gonna sit That's true. But also you're a lot of times those seats end up being kind of under the stage Yeah, yeah, the four or five feet tall You're like not like directly like buried under is that what you're picturing like Dude people would pay for that Under the seat people would pay to be directly under the stage their favorite band is performing. Visibility, zero.

Zero. You don't think it's like they're standing on a grate? You know, like. No, there's no grate. It's completely blocked. And it's just completely blocked. And the subwoofers. No, they're right above you.

The woofers are there. So all you hear is, boop, boop, boop. But to be right underneath your favorite band, they're up there somewhere. They're up there somewhere. They're up there. There's obviously something really special to being backstage. Backstage passes. You're actually seeing something no one else can see.

You're in the show in a way. It's going to sound like crap. Yeah, I mean the speakers are out there. the audience there's no speakers backstage. You ever been front row to a comedy show before? Oh yes. Don't do it. That's more dangerous. Don't do it. It's nice because the view I mean you would I would choose that if I had immunity from being crowd-wurt. That's where you gotta go to a big enough show. Like if you're at like a little comedy show, you don't wanna be in the front.

No, I've done. But if you're like at Gaffigan or something. I've done that, and you definitely, you definitely don't wanna be in the front row of a comedy show with your sister. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you that.

This is an easy stage wings, right? I think so. Yeah. But I guess, how big's the stage? I think it easy stage wings, right? I think so. Yeah. But I guess they're helping the stage. I think the stage wings. I think that'd be fun. So who is your favorite artist? This says you're going to your favorite artist's concert.

So I don't even know anymore, man. Yeah? I'm too old. Yeah, I feel like it. You get to pick any concert right now. Just who would you wanna see? Right now they're touring and they're not touring, they're out there, who would you choose

if you could choose any concert in the world to go see right now, tomorrow night, you wanna go see one, who would you see? Honestly, that question is different than who I'd wanna see in a normal concert. If I knew this, if I could sit stage, because to me it's about production. In the context of this.. I want the biggest production.

I probably would go to like Taylor Swift or something. Just to see that up close would be cooler than like my favorite artist or somebody that is a smaller show. Yeah, I was kind of between Swift and Olivia Rodrigo, so I'm in with the kids. Well, the kids won't be side stage. They'll be in the nosebleeds.

Yeah. Mike, you gotta answer yeah my favorite band right now is the midnight so I'd go see them okay what time of day oh nice they only play it one time Andy hi noon no one can ever go it's right in the middle of the day it's a big hassle yeah Nobody likes it. They serve lunch. Charles from Patreon, would you rather have a fully functional Iron Man suit? Here we go.

Or the Force from Star Wars? Wow. Yeah, this is a question. Oh, that's a like. It's not a question. Wow, you got to think through this. Yeah. Do I? Explain to me. You do, because I thought originally... Tell me why I don't pick the Force easily. Oh, okay. I was like, originally I'm like, clearly the Iron Man suit. Because you are not a Super Marvel nerd.

Yeah, but I could just like wave my hand and like... Can you fly to outer space with the Force? No. You can jump through it. I think that's happened before. You can't breathe. No, you can't. But you can survive out there for a little bit. I could be a guy in space with the Force. We've seen that. Freezing.

You have to remember to go through the progression of the Iron Man suit. Because at the beginning of the movies, he has to get into the suit, then the machines helping him assemble it. So this is but by the end, you're he's in full nanotech where he's like he's wearing the suit at all times. And he just had his face. You have to know these things. No, I know. I do know that I'm laughing at the fact that it became that that's that's part of the question

nanotech. And so it's like he just loads it up. And next thing you know you're in the suit. I think I'm taking the suit. Here's the problem, and people underestimate this. Iron Man would beat a Jedi in a fight. Oh, he would massacre a Jedi! Can Iron Man, if you're in the suit, and you fall to Earth from flying, do you live?

Yes. How? You get hurt. Does the suit take over? Cinema. Okay. No, like you're saying that the suit lost power? Yeah, the suit loses, like what's the concussion protocol in an Iron Man suit?

If the suit loses power and you fall, you will get hurt because you had, oh Josh, I can't remember his name now. This is ridiculous. Who's the other Iron Man? War Machine? Yes, War Machine. So War Machine's flying around. He fell and, like, he breaks his legs, right?

That's part of the movie. You might remember that, right? And then he has to have the suit to... Look, I'm taking the Force, guys. I can change... You don't get a lightsaber. I can change minds. You can.

I don't need a lightsaber with the Force. You do. You can change the minds of the weak. Honestly, here's the greatest weird plot hole of the entire Star Wars universe for everyone always. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Star Wars has plot holes? Now I'm breaking news here. Tread lightly. Every time they're in fights, it's like sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword, sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword sword There's so many fights. I think Vader's pinches a guy's throat you have but then he has to fight with a sword later You have to be fully focused and it takes energy. So I think it's just like Exercising that you got your your force has to be in good cardio shape So wait, like if I used it to let's say talk my way into a club, that's just a little bit That's just a little bit the bouncer is gonna be weak

So if he I was gonna say then the bouncer follows me and later I could still fight him. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, no problem. So what's a high intensity force use? What would that be like doing the SATs or something? Raising a spaceship. Yeah. Oh, so it's a weight thing. Yeah, it's a weight thing That's part of it. So I tossed people around certain people I'd have to like take a breather. Yes Yeah, you would take more force for me I'd have to like take a breather. Yes. Yeah, you would say you're more force for me Mass times acceleration. Yeah, it's the force there's the more we talk about this. So you I'm taking me That oh yeah, you're just so much a human yeah, I want to be a superhuman You're you are way more a superhuman in the suit than you are. Let me ask you this Jason

Are you a mechanic? I am not a mechanic. Have you historically taken good care of your cars on your own and all mechanical things in your home? Nope. OK. Not at all. So when this suit starts to need whatever, it's Iron Man oil

and needs to be like new firmware. This is a good point. And you've got to maintain this suit because guess what? You're up there flying and you're like, oh crap, my left arm, it don't feel right. You get home, what do you do? Jarvis is in the suit,

so I'm gonna talk to Jarvis and have him fix it. Well, maybe. Jarvis needs fixing. I'm taking the suit. Yeah, all right. I'm sorry, I just tried to make it work. All right, we're moving on. What's the difference between me and you? I do want to know before I ask this first, what's the difference question?

What would the vote have been from our producers on that last question, the force or the suit? Al? I take the suit? Al? I take the suit. I'm going Force. All right. All right. That's a good question. It is a good question.

Yeah, I can see the merits. I mean, the flying is really, that's a really good point. Flying sounds great. Yeah, I mean, it's really just like, put those two in a fight, it's not close. It's not remote, It's not remotely close. Wait, you're saying a Jedi versus Iron Man? Yeah, Iron Man could mow down a hundred Jedis.

I think the opposite. Just crush the metal and you're done. Use the force to crush the metal, crush the body inside the metal, game over. No one's going to be able to crush the metal. You can see it. We can fire missiles from very far away. I will stop them. Maybe. All right. This is a good debate, but the force would win.

All right, what is the difference between a salve, an ointment, and a balm? I feel like this is going to take us some time. Well, balms are primarily, and correct me if I'm wrong maybe I don't know enough entirely exclusively for lips. Oh because you have a lip balm. Yes, my cherry lip balm. I could see there. I don't know of a neck balm or a. There are, yeah there's a Tiger Balm. That's a brand that you put on like injuries. On the sore muscles. Really? Yeah. You can balm them up.

Here's why I was laughing. Because I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I probably am, but I feel like a salve needs to be a little bit minty. Oh, pepperminty? I think like a salve has to, it's almost like putting out a fire on something. OK, so it has to be like a burn.

Like if you got a burn, do you use a salve? You can put an ointment on them. Oh you do put ointments on them. Yeah. But it's not minty. Don't put minty on a burn. What is the texture of a salve? I think it can be almost fully liquid.

That's what I thought. I thought an ointment was liquid. No, an ointment is like a... So I think this is a progressive scale, like a gray scale of consistency and viscosity where a salve is the most liquid. And then an ointment... An ointment is like, you know, still liquidy but it's a little thicker. It is thicker for sure.

It's like a thicker liquid. Yeah. And then a balm is like... Neosporin is an ointment. Exactly. And then a balm is like, you know, you're going to need to scoop this out. Is a balm the same thing as deodorant? Would you call a deodorant an underarm balm? No. I don't think so. No. That's too strong. It's

too hard? That's too hard. That's too thick. Cause like if you... So that's a stick. You can't like just scoop it out. Exactly. So it's more like the consistency of like a hair mousse stuff. Exactly. Well, thicker than mousse. But like a wax, a waxy. Yeah, more like that. A waxy hair product.

What's the word you're looking for? That's it. Yeah? Yeah, sure. I think you're looking. What is the hair product? Like pomade? Like pomade.

Pomade is more of a balm. Some pomades can be ointmenty. Like consistency. But a salve, a salve, somebody could run up to you and say, oh my gosh, he needs this salve. And it could come out of a bottle. They could pour it right out of a bottle. So you can have a drop form of salve.

You could have a drop. You could drink a salve. You could drink a salve. I don't recommend it. No. No, that's too much. No, but you just could. You could drink bleach. Still don't do it. Don't do that. Don't do that. Okay, we've solved that's too much. No, but you just could. You could drink bleach. Still don't do it.

Don't do that. Don't do that. OK, we've solved that. All right. What is the difference between an amateur, a beginner, and a novice? Well, look. This one's easy.

Is it? Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. I feel like a novice, no matter what, sucks at what they're doing. They do. But a beginner means you have just started something. Right, you've only just begun.

Yeah, you are the beginner, exactly. Incredible analysis. An amateur means that you are in some sort of competition. You're just not paid. Correct. Amateurs can be champions, but they have to be, they can be good. They are not professionals.

But they haven't done it a while. say they're not paid well yeah no I think you can get generally amateur means you're not paid well I think you can get paid but it's it's a very small amount and you also you have another job like as a bus boy or something yeah so as you're like I am I'm a part-time bus driver and I'm a part but I'm an amateur bowler fighter whatever it isler? Bowler, fighter, whatever it is, but it's a competition. It's not your career. Correct, you want it to be your career. But you're just an amateur.

Yeah. So can you, if you're a college athlete, what are you? You're an amateur. You're not a beginner, right? No, no. You're not a novice. You're an amateur. You're an amateur?

Yeah, it's amateur hour. Amateur athlete? Yeah, you're definitely, unless you're in the NIL, you know, if you're getting name image like this money. I don't know if student athlete is an amateur. So let's break down the difference between beginner and novice. Because those seem like they're very close.

A novice. I agree with what you said in the beginning. You suck? A novice sucks. A novice is like, Can a beginner have potential? A beginner has luck. So you've got beginner's luck, right?

Oh. You can have skill. One time, one time. There's no novice luck. Novice means he's a novice. He's not good. They're both starting, but a beginner doesn't suck. If a beginner does suck, they're a novice.

I'm confused now. I feel like part of it has to do with like a beginner can just be can just be doing something quietly, secretly, and be a beginner. Like I'm a beginner at juggling. But if I go out there and I try to show you my skill and I suck at it, I'm a novice. Yeah, okay. Like if I say, hey Jason, look, I can juggle now. And then I'm just throwing the balls all over the place. Have you been j to juggle? Have you been juggling, juggling in your spare time? You talk about like, you know, you do something on your own, kind of behind the scenes.

Have you started trying to juggle? I'm really working on it. No, I'm not working. I thought there was a 5% chance that this is real. The moment- You always try to read my stories. The moment you perform your skill Yeah, you move from a beginner to a novice once you well no no no if you perform it and suck at it

Yeah, otherwise, you're just an amateur If I performed it like if I go look what I've been doing right and I do pretty good Can you be an or you're an amateur juggler is there competitive juggling? Oh you bet you bet your bottom I mean, I don't know. I don't know what there is in that world. Now, I think to be in the world. Also, February 9th, guys, I'm pretty busy. Don't look into it.

6 PM at the circuits. To be an amateur, you have to be competing. Yes, I think so. Yes, 100%. You can be a beginner at anything. You don't have to compete. You can be a beginning guitar player. Yeah. Yeah.

Beginning. All right, we solved it. What is the difference though, between a game, a match, and a contest? Well clearly matches take place only in Europe. Right, those are across the pond. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And a game and a contest, there has to be one winner? A contest definitely has something

on the line. There is a reward. But if it's a team, it's usually ribbon involved. A team can't win a contest, right? It has to be one person that wins a contest. Or an animal. Okay, you know what? Sounds ridiculous. He was so confident. He's like no no no no no I am aware of the rules. But um, but who? Babe, Babe won the pig contest. That's true. You got a blue ribbon? What's the book? What's the book? Uh, Charlotte's Web? Yeah. What's the pig? What's the pig? Wait, I was gonna say Charlotte. Babe! No, that's the movie babe. Yeah, this is a different pig. No, Charlotte's Web is a different pig. Wilbur! That's the movie babe. Yeah, this is a different no charlotte's web is a different Famous pig

Anyways yeah animals can win contests for being large yeah, but a team can't win a contest is that we're telling me I'm asked. I don't think so yeah Winning a contest come on down and win the contest is one person Because they don't print a bunch of ribbons. What would you call a competitive, like, marching band? Not a contest. Not a game, not a match. No, losers. That's what I call them.

Mart professional marching band. Come on, you losers. No, we get it. You didn't make the team. Oh, Jeremy's saying competition. Yeah, that's a competition. Okay, so you can win a competition. That's a group thing. Now, technically, the people out there that play tennis, you're losing your mind right now.

Because in tennis, you have games and matches in the same place. You don't have a contest. We play pickleball. We have the same thing, except better sport. Yes, much better. Yeah, I guess we have games and matches. So hold on, so then, now that Jeremy's brought up competition, so a contest, I think is like, it's real. It's not judged on a, it's like shallow, it's just like who has the biggest beard? Yeah, Miss Universe is a, is that

a competition? That's a pageant. Oh well. Uh oh. We don't want to start there. We can't pack our eyes out of here. Like the most delicious pie, that's a contest right a contest right you can make the best apple pie. Yes It's it's it's important, but it's kind of trivial the chill like a chilly one Yeah, that's a contest the biggest best-looking pig. That's that's a contest. What's the spelling bee? Oh? That's a contest right I think it's a competition is a competition. Oh, it is a competition I think okay, it's a little bit more important a competition? Oh, it is a competition. I think so. Because it's a little bit more important. A competition is something you learned in school

that you now compete. Okay. And what's the difference between a game and a match? Game is smaller than a match. A match is the whole thing. And a game is a little thing. Now, I know that that is true. I know that that is 100%, like when you're in, when you're in a tennis or you're in whatever, it's like the game is the

individual, uh, you know, is the individual part. And then there's a phrase game set match. Yeah. Game set match. So the match is the bigger thing. I have always had a problem with that. I feel like morally, morally, ethically, I feel like they got it wrong. Like the match should be the small one the whole game like I won the You want words to mean a different thing? I want them to mean exact opposite like a match should be a conglomeration of games I know that is right. Don't try to explain to him what the word actually means. He wants the word to mean something different Yeah, I'm looking for it to mean the opposite when you're in soccer

Isn't it you won the match? Or am I just remembering the Zoolander joke? If the field's big enough, one game can be a match. So that's where soccer. Yeah. Because they play on a pitch, too. They don't know what they're doing to words. Why?

Is it angled? I don't know. What's going on? Is there a bunch of tar on it? I don't know. I don't know. Are they like, their sound, their notes are really good? Right. I don't know. I don't know. Are they like, their sound, their notes are really good? Right. We don't know. That's not what we were

going to ask that. Thank goodness. Do we have time for one more or are we moving on to the draft? Let's draft. Alright. The Spitballers Draft. You didn't feel like you were learning enough there, Al? I learned so much. Al was like, I can't take anymore. We are all getting dumber. What's the difference between a good podcast,

a mediocre podcast, and a bad podcast? I could show you a bad one. All right, we are drafting things that are purple. Things that are purple. And Jason, boy, what a lucky guy with that number one pick. Yeah I mean there's just clearly the one thing we all want that's purple. Don't take my pick. I will say this. This is one of the most difficult drafts to come up with the list for because there's not a lot of great purple things. Does that speak to

society kind of neglecting this color? No, no, no, no, no. That speaks to nature not having anything that is exclusively purple. Oh, as in like, God let us down on that color? I think the color let God down. He's like, that's not worth, like, an orange? I have plenty of purple things over here, man. Yeah, I've got a list of purple things, but they're not that great like when I was thinking about this like all there's purple carrots

but that's Carrots belong not to purple you know right right you have to qualify them Yeah, if it's got to have the word purple in front of it. Yeah, that's not a good pit. It's a loser pick Yeah, I hope your whole list is like that Mike. I'm gonna lead us off here with grapes Yeah, it's great, but that's a great pick. But even that, I gotta be like, purple grapes. No, there are grapes. There's other grapes.

No, grapes, I think when you think, like if you asked, if you surveyed 100 people, and you said what color are grapes, I think more come in on the purple side. 100%, yeah, because if you were gonna draw them. What percentage do you think it would actually be? Like 70, 30? Yeah, exactly. That's about what Yeah exactly. But what is the percent of which grape is better? Oh 100% the not purple. Okay we all like green grapes? Team green grape for sure. I like the

the purples are fine. Yeah they're all good. My wife has gotten into freezing grapes. Yeah I've heard that. Too cold. Too cold. Is that what you have against- My biggest problem with the frozen grapes is they're too cold. Thing against, he's got a thing against frozen things. Yeah, I don't like them. All right.

I don't like them. So am I picking now? You are. Thanos. Damn, no! I thought for sure I would be the only one with him on my list. Of course you aren't, Jason.

Come on. We just argued the Iron Man super That's why I almost took Thanos first. Why you got grapes? This sucks. Thanos you big purple monster. Oh man. Yeah, I'm staking Thanos. Yeah. Don't worry It's a great pick. It's way better than grapes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike, you are up. At least I can make wine. Do you know how to do that?

No. But I know it comes from grapes. OK, so I will start my draft with a, I guess it's a gem. I don't know. Whatever. You break a rock open, and you get amethyst. Yeah, it's a gem, I don't know, whatever. You break a rock open and you get amethyst. Yeah, that's a gem, yes. Wasn't 100% sure. What would you have called it?

You break a rock open. What do you think an emerald is, Mike? A rock? I don't know. I'm looking at it. Yes, they're all forms of crystals. It's a purple variety of the quartz mineral species. So mineral.

OK, well if you go to the store and you buy a ring, you get an amethyst ring. That's a great pick. Amethysts are awesome. It is a fantastic looking rock. It's purple. It's a purple gemstone. I dropped a grapes, man.

It's on my list. I like grapes. Yeah, it's on my list. But I had the first pick, and I wanted grapes. All right It's on my list. I like grapes. Yeah it's on my list. I have it on there. I had the first pick and I wanted grapes. You let yourself down. I really did. That's what you get for putting food first.

Alright and then I will go with more of a more of an abstract with my second pick. Oh boy. It's probably not on anyone's list. The deep thinker. But I will be gonna say royalty. Purple is the color of royal. Given how short my list is, I'm totally gonna allow it. That's a terrible pick though.

That's, that's trying. It's interesting, like purple is the color of royal. Yes, 100% it is. But if you're drafting things that are purple, do you have to pick one, like a, do you have to pick a purple robe? Yeah, in, or a purple coat? No a purple no when we did green I drafted envy how we don't like your picks how is blue not the color I mean of royalty royal blue

ever heard of it yeah it looks purpley yeah it's blue with purple and it's a that's how it got its name are we good with this we're good with this I'm fine with it it's good by me this. I'm fine with it. It's good by me. I don't care. All right. I got eight total things on my list, so I'm happy that you're drafting weirdo things.

All right, so I have another pick? Yeah. Well, I don't want to be Jason in this draft, that's for sure. You have major regrets? So I'm gonna take Grimace for McDonald's. Okay. I'm taking Grimace.

Yeah, he's on my list. He's on my list for sure because there's just not a ton of awesome purple things. Yeah, Thanos and Grimace, that's a good tag team. Yeah. All right. I am going to... I'm so baffled you can't get purple things. Look, there's not a lot of great purple things. But one great purple thing that is on my list.

I do too. One great purple thing is Donatello's headband. Yeah, yeah, Donatello. You can just say Donatello. Yeah, let's take Donatello. He's green, but OK, I'll take Donatello. No, Donatello's purple. Yeah.

All right. I see. Michelangelo's orange, Rafael's red. Yes. He's purple. I'm a little upset you didn't complete. You definitely go out. OK, yeah, Leonardo's orange. I else read. Yes. He's purple I'm a little upset you didn't complete you Leonardo's blue. There you go Alright, so I will take Donatello

Because he has purple around his eyes. Alright, you get another pick. Yeah lucky. I'm gonna take I think I'll make Mike proud here because it's more off the beaten path. I'm going to take, I'm going to make Prince proud, I'm going to take purple rain. Yeah, dude, I had rain on here and I'm like if I take this I'm going to get so much crap. Oh yeah. Yeah, my dude, purple rain baby. Purple rain. Alright.

There we go. The color of music. Yeah, there you go. The color purple. Yeah. There you go. The color purple. Yeah. There you go. Well, the pick I wanted to get back to me that is more than a headband, but from the

same universe that I was going to go with, is Shredder. Okay, Shredder is also purple. So you're just going complete characters. Thanos. So far I'm going complete characters. Thanos. But I do have a wild card for the last one. There's tons of them.

There's tons of great purple There's tons of them. Honestly, without characters there's just not enough purple things in the world. That's the point that I was bringing up. The world, the natural... I mean, God forbid you take like purple flowers, Jason, to combine with grapes. Yeah. Purple sucks. Nerd draft.

Purple sucks. All right. I actually kind of like purple. Purple is one of my favorites. I don't like light purple. I like dark purple. Purple... purple might be my favorite color. Purple is now my least favorite color. It's such a color. As of today. Hmm. Hate it. Okay. As a man who would love to be royalty, that surprises me. Yeah. Well he would wear royal blue. You're darn right I would! And no one would understand what he was.

What is this guy? Who's this blue guy? All right Mike you are up to pick. Okay so I get to close this out. You have Amethyst and just the concept of royalty. Yeah I like it. It's fantastic. So I have too many. I have too many. Well pick your best ones. Or take five. I don't know. No. I'll take these. Draft my team for me, please. I will take, let's go. Your team's not bad, Jason.

You salvaged your grapes pick with Donatello and Purple Rain. That's not bad. Thank you. It's fantastic. It is, OK, so this item, it's a couple of different things. It's a disgusting fill-in for noodles sometimes. It is often shared as an emoji to be certain things. I will take the eggplants.

I will take the eggplants. Okay. It's very popular. Okay. It's very popular Very hip and very trendy right now. It's a widely used. Yeah Plant yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the word they try to make Parmesan out of it and it's disgusting I did make you to eat eggplant once. Yeah, yeah, it was made me want to vomit. So good pick Mike well, yeah, I drafted it for the other part. Did royalty eat eggplant? Oh, I doubt it.

There's no way. Because of how gross it was. Yeah. Yeah, it's disgusting. When you own the city or the country, you're not eating garbage food. But you are getting fed grapes. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Definitely. And for my last pick, you have so many, it's hard to choose. It really is the problem, which character would I like to take? I'm gonna take the Joker. All right, that's very purple. I will get a character on my team, one of the best villains in all of the superhero land,

even though probably one of the easiest to actually defeat if Batman would just get his stuff together. You mean fighting a little flower that shoots water is not like more like a buzzer? I mean a guy who has no superpowers and just continue it every time you arrest him and he gets out he murders dozens of people. Batman handle the problem. You're saying kill the Joker. I'm saying put him somewhere where he can't kill people anymore.

All right, so you went with the Joker. It's a good pick. You got another character. I will go away from the characters, although I have. No, boo. I mean, I have several. Yeah. But I feel like I'm gonna try to get away

with something first. Because when I was picturing things that look good purple, yeah I'm I want to go with the purple is planet. I want Neptune. Can I have Neptune? You got to know her? Sure, I think of Neptune is blue. It's pretty blue What's your anus? Also blue is it okay? That was purple. No, I'm I mean a quick Google is it looks a little maybe you've got a problem I mean a quick Google is it looks a little maybe you've got a problem

I'm being very scientific is Neptune not purple enough. It's pretty blue. What color is Neptune Google all right. All right Yeah in that case wallow eegee yeah I was I'm taking why Luigi I was between Joker and Wario. Yeah Wario. Wow I could have taken a little but he's so yellow like he would go in a yellow draft too Whereas Waluigi is pure purple. Okay. I did look I did some research So I Jason back to you played a lot of switch last Barney still available Barney is still there also There if I wanted another character violet Beauregard Violet you're turning violet. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I'm not gonna go that way

I I not when I added a final one to my list did we Show you inspired me where all this talk about purple It's is a Wario. No, no, no, it's it's purple stuff From the classic OJ purple stuff. From the Sunny Delight commercial. Purple stuff is like heck yeah man you know that's just grape flavored water. Oh yeah purple stuff is delicious. Yes. It is good. Yeah I mean when I say purple stuff I feel like most all of our listeners know exactly what I mean. But yet I feel like one half of our producers probably doesn't. Do you both know what he's talking about?

I have no idea. There it is! Yeah, the old man knows. Yeah, I know. And it's good. Of course. What do you think? It's great.

They do sell Purple Stuff now. Yeah, it's artificial grape flavor. Wait, but they actually call it Purple Stuff? It's called Purple Stuff, the drink. I bet it's good. Is it made purple stuff now. Yeah, it's artificial great, but they actually call it purple stuff It's called purple stuff the drink. I bet is good. Is it made by Sunny D? That is oh no way You can't be smirch it in your commercial and then sell it the hypocrisy That's great. Yeah, great flavored Graves again, you need to watch the commercial again because the kids like oh, jay purple stuff. Yeah, that's crazy. Sunny D. That D that's the whole point all right they should have gone with the purple stuff Ursula left on the board sure I had bruises oh that's a good one I did

it's a good one what about a Raven are they purple enough no they're black the football team well there's a reason they made them that. Oh, I didn't think about teams. You could have drafted the Vikings. The Vikings, yeah. The Twitch logo? The Twitch logo. That was on my list.

Nice. Because not a lot of purple, man. I had plums. Oh, yeah. Plums are soups underrated. I don't know the last time I've had a plum. It's been 20 years for me. And they're good.

They're super good. Why don't we eat plums when they're so delicious? I don't know. Are they never in season? Is there a plum shortage? I think there must be. There's definitely a plum shortage in my life. Plum all out of that.

I had the one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater. Okay. Yeah, or the purple people eaters. Yeah, them too. Yeah. Hmm. Are we, producers, can you think of some better purple things?

I have Purple Heart on my list. OK. That's a good one. Who is Purple Heart? What? No, the award. The award for... The medal.

Oh my god. Are you thinking superheroes? Oh my gosh. He said in our Slack channel, Purple Heart goes undrafted, you guys hate heroes. And I'm going, which Marvel character is Purple Heart that I've never heard of real heroes Boy, a Purple Heart is a great. That's a great. I do feel like whoops. Yeah, I took purple stuff Sorry to all you amazing people who earned a Purple Heart to bring it all back I had Mace Windu's lightsaber Okay, cuz it's the purple one. Yeah. He broke the cannon.

Hmm. In the show. All right, all right. What did we learn today? Oh, gosh, did I learn anything today? You know, what did I learn today? I learned that salve is the liquid and anointment is not. I learned that you guys just overestimate the value of the Iron Man suit when you think it could be beaten by the Force.

Easily. It can't be beaten by the Force. Iron Man easily wins that. There is no way that a Jedi is strong enough to crumple that suit. Now see here's the question. If you are talking the dark side of the force, perhaps, perhaps. I guess I was thinking the dark side. Okay, now wait a minute. That's a fair, that'd be-

Which there are two sides to the force, I get both. I don't think that- No, you won't, no, no, you don't get both. I declare at the beginning? Yes. Dark. Yeah. Okay, to dive a little deeper here.

Oh boy, let's do it. I do not believe that the force could crumple the Iron Man suit. I mean, that's too strong. Yeah, I mean it lifts spacious, but no, it can't crumple a little bit of metal. But couldn't you just choke the person inside the suit? Of course you could. Yeah, that is possible. The force dominates a suit. Let's see, I'm thinking about- Who wins, Robocop or the Force? Oh, that's the Force. RoboCop has the most... Iron Man is like RoboCop suit 2.0. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, his chin is fully exposed.

Yeah, what an upgrade. Let's go over the chin, it's the same thing. I've never seen RoboCop fly. Have you seen RoboCop fly to the heavens? I've seen him walk extremely slow. He does walk so slow. What, does he have a handgun? Like, he literally doesn't have a weapon built into the suit.

He has to pull out a regular handgun. And this guy is like the Iron Man suit. Is the Iron Man still connected, like you still have that heart thing? Yeah, that powers the suit. Yeah, but it comes from your heart condition. So you're kind of weaker. No, come on, man.

No, he got rid of the heart condition. Yeah, he got rid of it. But that thing, if it powers down, he dies, right? No. What happened to that? The first Iron Man movie definitely died. At the first one because he had the metal shards in his heart. And then he got it out and then he wore it more as a crutch. Yeah It's true. Yeah I learned that I hate the color purple. I just it's not a big fan my least favorite color purple Get that amethyst away from me. Don't want it. All right ridiculous. Goodbye. Goodbye

Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.