Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Seat Jerks & Gifts to Give Your Enemies Kids - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

Spit Hit for June 23rd, 2025:Brand new Would You Rather, Life Advice and how to ruin your enemies life in a draft you don’t want to miss. Plus we deal with seat jerks, learn how valuable neck markers could be and more. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What's up, spit wads? We are on vacation this week, but we knew that you'd had to have something and something funny to listen to on a Monday. So we pulled out an episode from the vault. You're gonna love it. Here we go. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rattity tat tat bing bing ba doodly boom! Why are noises just... I don't know man. They're funny. Yeah.

That's why we do it. Jason's trying to rate my score. You're actually gonna score it? I'm gonna score it. I think that was an 8. I think that was actually pretty darn good Andy. Did you like that I didn't end with my traditional? I was waiting for the bingy and then it was poon. I think I went poom. Poom? I wanted to go boom but you know things happen this is too basic you got a boom we got a boom welcome into the spitballers episode I had to boom earlier. Well you know every day you're very regular. Thank you. This show is not very regular it's very strange and we have done 283 of them. Wow. And for some reason today

that number is hitting me like we're going to get to the point where there is a show that we have done for every day of a year. Like we're approaching like 365 you can listen to the entire catalog. That's a lot of shows. That's a lot of really good shows. Yeah, spectacular content. Just real funny, real good advice? Yeah, I mean, we teach a lot and we let people laugh. We have life advice on the show today. We are also actually drafting gifts to give your enemies children.

Unlike last week. Yeah, well I was pretty confident that's what children. Unlike last week. Well, I was pretty confident that's what we were drafting last week and I got good winked. We definitely are doing it this week. Oh no, oh no, and now I'm worried. It's the more things that are metal draft. Oh, no worries.

I'm on infinity lock with that. We have would you rather to start it off as well. Please tell your friends about the show. That's the number one way you can help us grow. And one B would be to leave us a review. Make sure you click that follow button on Spotify, on Apple, wherever you're listening. Let's kick it off.

Would you rather? Brayden from Patreon, would you rather be best friends with the famous athlete or a Hollywood celebrity? So perks wise, I think it's, you know, you're going to go to all the big games. I think you can go to the, you can go games. I think you can go to the parties. You can go to the festivities. I mean, the Hollywood celebrity, to me, they get to go to every one of the big events.

And that seems very fun. Where you think a famous athlete wouldn't get invited? To the Oscars? No. I don't think you're a famous athlete you're going to the Oscars, unless you're dating one of the Hollywood celebrities. I think you could. I think you can happen. Oh, that's just my like Michael Jordan could have

gone to the Oscar. Oh, for sure. So if you're that famous. Yeah. But are you bringing your best friend? You know, if you're that famous, they're not bringing you. Okay. I mean, your best friend, if you're, if you're the best friend of a famous person. Think about all the famous people at the Oscars. They're not there with their best friend. They're there with whoever they're dating. But their best friends do go to the games. For sure. So you've got front row tickets and you're at every sporting event.

You can travel probably. You probably get on the team plane. You're not bringing who you're dating to the game. You're bringing your best friend. Hmm. I just like the idea of sneaking your best friend on the team plane. If you're a best friend of a Hollywood celebrity, you are definitely getting some extra roles.

Oh, that's a good point. Like bread? Not bread. Oh, that sounds great. Not extra roles, Mike. That was pretty bad. That's not a good joke. You gotta switch that thing or it's a failure.

Um, but you're probably in some movies. I think so. You're not getting it in any movies. Yes you are. You telling me George Clooney's best friend is not getting in a few things? He's like, I'll do this. Hey, I want my buddy. I want my buddy to have some small world. Write him something.

There's no way that doesn't happen. This has only worked for Adam Sandler. there's no way that doesn't happen. This is only worked for Adam Sandler like There's no way that doesn't happen. Yeah, I think it happens more than you think Adam's got his friends like friends are in movies big roles But the people that you don't know, you know, it's just like oh come to sit come to Come set with me today and then you could be one of the extras. Okay. Yeah Extra is like an actual part small A small role, maybe one line. Yeah, I'm gonna get a line out of that.

You're gonna get a line. You're on the elevator and you got one line. Dude, that's enough for me. Like, I'm stoked. I'm like really excited about this Hollywood best friend. Mike, where do you lean between these two? Are you on the athlete's line? I was trying to find a real true differentiator,

but I guess it does lean a real true differentiator, but I guess it does lean for what I would prefer, more on the side of the celebrity. I don't think you're getting parts, but you're definitely not getting them if your friend is the famous athlete. With the celebrity, I guess there's a chance. I mean, either one, you're either, let's say you're not obviously participating in either,

but you're going to the set, you're going participating in either, but you're going to the set, you're going to the production or you're going to the game, which is more exciting for you, the game. See, for me, it's the set. What about you, Andy? It's the game. Okay. But here's the thing about humans, that is annoying,

is that you're gonna take these for granted really quickly. Like it will be super cool to sit, you know like, courtside, because your best friend is an athlete. And then you're gonna do it like five or six times, and then you're just like, this is what I do. Because we don't ever think things are cool after we do them a few times.

You ever had a meal and you're like, I could eat this every single meal? And then you eat it like four times, and then you're like, I'm kinda done with single meal? Yeah. And then you eat it like four times and then you're like, I'm kind of done with it. Oh yeah, the first time I went to a fancy steakhouse, it was like, wow. Why are people like that? Now it's just like, it's just a steakhouse.

It's just human nature. One thing though, famous athlete, if you are getting the good tickets all the time, you could then, I mean, you could turn yourself into one of the fan celebs of like, you dress up. Yeah, like every game you go, you wear the bullhorns. And it's like, oh, there's the bullhorn guy. If this question was, you can be the world's most famous fan

celebrity guy, or you could just just not I would definitely choose the not side like I don't want to be that guy no that when I see you don't want to be what's who's the Jets guy fire no I know the fireman guy yeah all on you all of those get all of those people when I see those people I don't think kind thoughts I don't think I don't see those people and think like, that dude's cool. I look at that guy and I'm like, oh man. You could be starting the chants, man. J-E-T-S. That could be you. I could do it without the stupid get up too. People just-

I don't know. When I see some super fans at these games, I'm embarrassed for them and their families. Yeah. And I tell myself I'm not like them, but I like sports. Yeah. I have to be like, is that me? Is that what I'm perceived as because I wanna go to the game?

Is that weirdo? I was wondering if neither was an option for this. Best friends with neither might be the best case scenario. Oh really? No it's not. I don't know man. Yeah, no it's not. Well here's what I will say.

One final nuance. If you're best friends with a famous athlete, their shelf life is shorter than the Hollywood celebrity. Fair. So you talk about going to, you got maybe 10, 15 years into a career if you're lucky. A Hollywood celebrity could be a star from 20 to 75. Yeah. No, I'm definitely doing the Hollywood star. That's far more fun for me. I feel like we'd get

along better. I don't want to feel- Your best friend's either way, man. You're getting along. I don't want to feel so body shamed by the athlete. It went on, when me and my best friend athlete walk into a restaurant, it's not just like, oh, that's a famous person. It's like, what a short, fat guy. Oh my gosh, we have got to get this guy into a psychologist or something. Would you take any amount of pleasure

after the athlete retires, slowly transforming your best friend from a 1% body physique. Oh man, I will ruin this guy. I will ruin his- So you feel a lot better if you- Okay, but what? Baskin Robbins again. Come on, buddy.

Let's go. You're not playing tomorrow. Come on. You feel better next to the kind of chiseled out of stone, perfect Hollywood actors? Oh yeah. Those are the people you feel better standing next to? Yeah, I do.

They're not as superhuman. They're beautiful. I don't know how many athletes showed up on Sexiest Men People Magazine. All right. Yeah, what if your buddy went Sexiest Man and... You don't wanna be there. You don't want to be there you know, all right My best friend is gonna be a woman. So that's okay fine. She was sexiest woman either way I'm just saying you're gonna you're gonna feel real inferior now. He's just carving a different path

Damien from the website, would you rather settle every argument with a dance battle or with a freestyle rap battle? Oh So wait, you actually- Are we good at either of these things? Ask yourself that question right now. No, no. I mean, this doesn't come with being- No, it doesn't. This is just who we are now.

I like the world where any argument could be solved with one of these, and it's formal. It's like in stone, it's equivalent of going to a judge and having them formally decide a claim. No. And now we will hear from the defense. Okay, so let's play this out. The defendant has been served.

Is this actually won by a third party? An observer of the rap battle? You don't need no. No, no, no, it's not. It's just the universe we've discovered can evaluate this in a little light. And you don't need it. If you've ever participated in a dance battle

or a rap battle, you know. Okay. You know, and it's just, be honest with yourself. I know which one of these I could win. Both parties have to be honest. I know which one of these I could win. Which one do you guys? I think you think you can win the dance one. You're darn right I could. You wanna know why? Because I've watched Jason when he has to dance for a second he has three or four things he

used to do in high school that he goes right back to. What classics do you got? And the nice thing I'm gonna be spinning, I'm gonna be twirling, I'll do jump kicks. It's, imagine Chris Farley in a dance battle. He's gonna win. So the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the Chippendale sketch. Yeah, this is not like, oh, what a talented technique

you have, this is how, you are psychotic and making me laugh. Does the shirt immediately go off or is that? That's the finale, Mike. Okay, but it's part of it? You don't start there, but yes, you end shirtless every time. I have ripped my shirt off on a Jumbotron once. And that's winning, though.

And I won that Jumbotron moment. We just took a trip to Disney World. OK. And there is. Speaking of golf. No, just let me tell my story, man. I'm sorry. And there is a, one of the attractions

is it's a Monsters Inc. comedy thing. And it's fun. They do like the animations, but there's people doing the voices. So it's a fully interactive thing live with the crowd. Like a play type of thing. Yeah, it's not pre-recorded. But then before everything happens, they do some funny crowd work where they just say

a phrase and then they pick someone in the audience and they put a spotlight on them. And they did a, it was like, this man has an uncontrollable urge to dance. Boom, your boy ends up on the camera. And I did not disappoint. My man. My kids were, Were dying? Oh, turtle shirt.

I was the most embarrassed. Did you do the running man? I was seated. Oh, okay. I was seated. So did I do the robot? Of course I did. So you did the whole dance seated. I did the robot. I was seated. Oh, okay. All right. So did I do the robot? Of course I did.

So you did the whole dance seated. I did the robot. I was doing the... Yeah, with the rolling arms. Yeah, the wave with the arms. Oh yeah, I was seated. It was so unbelievably embarrassing for everyone in that room, but they put me on the camera and I came through.

That is awesome. That is really cool. See, for me... Very funny. I have to... I'm surprised we didn't hear about that already. For me, I have to jump around. I had to block it out. I had to jump around and that like I'm more of a out of the seat type of dancer, but I

don't think I could do it in the seat. Mike killed it in the seat. You're not an upper, you're not a torso upper body dancer? No, no, I'm all legs brother. But the nice thing is right now you are seated Mike right and this guy has an incredible urge to dance oh yeah the spot where's my music from some Oh, yeah! Oh, there it is! Oh, yeah! Let's get in this car. Oh, beautiful. It was that. And it, guys. It got a big laugh.

It just, it kept going. Oh, no. They didn't, they didn't stop it. Oh, it's like, I am dancing. What is happening with the lights right now? He's got a permanent spotlight. Yeah, I just, I kept dancing and I'm like, we are- I don't got any more moves left.

We are five minutes into this. This joke has run its course. Did you have to repeat things? Yeah, I only have two moves. All right, so look, the freestyle rap battle, the progressive terror of that is too high. I'm going to go bird dance. I dance like a bird.

I'm going to have to win with that. What do you think your win percentage will be? Over the course of your life? You're in dance battles. Just general public 20% I'll go 85% I give myself maybe 10 to 15. Okay. Yeah I did 20% cuz I figure one in five people will be too embarrassed to try Okay All right Lily from the website, for a $25,000 prize, would you rather have to bowl a perfect 300 game or hit a hole

in one on a 100 yard par three? You get one full day of unlimited attempts in either situation. It is quite easy for me. Yeah, this is super easy. It's the golf. It has to be the golf. I will make one over one day of hitting that many, guaranteed. I will, absolutely not. I will 100% not make one. I won't do either of these.

I thought you guys were going to say the bowling. That's impossible. That's impossible. No, that's not happening with a full day. That'll happen with a full year. You could give me the full life you bowl a 300 means you get straight strikes right 12 straight strikes that is

Never gonna happen and the thing is this for turkeys you could you could do this for weeks and you get 10 strikes in a row Then you start over is that It's not gonna happen. It's not, it's not going to happen. It's never going to happen. Do you understand how small a golf hole is? I do. But I also know that just one lucky shot, one great, perfect roll, one placement is all it takes to complete to the

end. Like I, when I bowl, I don't usually get a strike. I would say I get a strike 10% of the time. So don't do that math. Yeah, so 10% times 12 needs or 12 possible never ever happen to do 12 in a row when I'm going to one will never happen. I agree Mike. I'm not I'm not I'm not telling you this isn't me trying to claim I can land a plane because I can. This is me saying I have a better shot of the thing that if it happens one time, it's over and it's done. You can't do 12 in a row.

If you have 100 yards, you can dial that in with one club, you will land on the green on every one of your hits pretty much. What are you talking about? This is Never Seen Me Golf. I will only land on the green regularly if I aim not for the green. So I'm taking that one, but I did,

I asked our good friend, Artificial Intelligence, to do the probability of throwing a perfect game if you throw strikes 10% of the time is approximately 1 times 10 to the negative 12 or 1 in a trillion 1 in a trillion so I'm gonna just give me but you're really into that you right now you will get better not a day yes oh yeah 100% in a day you'll get better at the end of the day I'm not going to be able to lift the bowling ball. I'm gonna be like twice as good at the end of the day He's throwing it 20% of the time. Yeah, do the math

You'll go on in the trillion I feel like we could put you on a golf course and let you throw do whatever you want Throw the ball roll the ball. You don't even need to use a golf club. All day, you're not making it in the hole. I'm making it in the hole. No, you're not. I guarantee it. I believe Andy would do it. I'll make you a bet.

You give me one day, you rent out one 100 yard par three. Now we have a golfer in the building. Inducers Alley, we've got the Falcon over here. The Falcon, you're a golfer. Please, please tell him to be quiet. Do you think I'm wrong? No, that's the right choice. Okay, so tell him to be quiet. Do you think I'm wrong? No, that's the right choice. Okay, so that's the right choice.

Do you think I would make one in over a whole day of just hitting 100, no? No, I don't think so. Yeah, you're not going to. First of all, speak louder. Second of all, I don't like you speaking, so don't speak at all. Have you ever done, you've never done a lock-in

or anything with bowling? Yeah, I have. And you didn't? You know how tired you're gonna be? You're not gonna get it. By the end of the day, your arm will fall off. I mean, you're gonna be tired golfing bowling. Yeah, I have. And you didn't. You know how tired you're gonna be? You're not gonna get it by the end of the day, your arm will fall off. I mean, you're gonna be tired golfing too. Yeah.

No, cause I'm gonna nail that in the first two hours. Oh, okay. I've been, like I'm not a great bowler. I want to prove it. But I've done these things where just all of a sudden, like over the course of a lock-in, I bowled like a 230 or something. I know that's a far away from a 300,

but it's like you can get in an actual fugue state with this where each and every shot for the hole in the one is its own independent thing. I have been in that state bowling, Mike, and I got like three strikes in a row. Nice. I'm not close. It's not happening. I do think there I could get,

I mean, my golf ball lands somewhere. My golf ball, every time I hit it, will land somewhere. And eventually it just has to land in that small little hole. No it does not. Yes it does. That's all it is. What do you mean? No, if my golf ball ends in that hole?

It's over again. Yes, if that happens, it will never happen. I'm not sure about that logic The logic that if I shoot a basketball it has to land somewhere eventually it will land in the hoop Yeah, I mean that that's not how but the hole inulf is on the ground. So you're intimidated by the fact there's 12 consecutive? Yes, it's that. Yeah, that's what it is. It's that. It's just like, I could make a hole in one. I won't, but I could.

That's the difference. I get it. No, I mean, so Mike, you're going bowling. I could not get a 300. Yeah, of these. Mike's going bowling. I'm going golf. Jason's going golf.

Golf, yeah. We're taking a quick break coming back with some life advice Spitballers to the rescue I want to I want to figure I want to figure this out man I want to do this. I want to do I want to figure this out man. You're still on the whole new one? I want to do this. I want to do it. I would love to have- I want to, but the problem is I don't think there are very many, I mean I don't know anything about golf. You have a golf simulator in your house.

That's true, but- You could use the golf simulator. No, I want real world. I want grass, I want gravity, I want none of this computer stuff. I wouldn't trust it. I want our 100 yard. That's not very hard. No, I know it's not. Are those, do those actually exist? Are those common? Common? Yeah, I think 100 yard par 3 is out there. Yeah, I'm seeing a nod from our golfer. We, Andy, you and I, we got to look into this. We got to find a way to- I want a day at a course.

I'm going to hit one. Yeah, we gotta find a course that will give us a day at a hole. We need a lot of golf balls. Ooh, that's, we. Take them from the driving range. Absolutely we will. Yeah, we're good.

I really wanna do it. According to the odds, an amateur golfer can make a hole in one on any given par three, 12,500 to one. That seems better than one in a trillion. Way better. Now I'm not an amateur, but. I will say that when you were reading that number,

I definitely thought it was gonna be way lower than that. By the way, Al says that means that would be nine balls per minute for the entire 24 hours to hit it on average. But I'm better than it. I'm better than that. When I said I'm not an amateur I'm much better. All right life advice. Ray from Patreon. My wife is an introvert and most of my friends are extroverts. She don't like your friends. Whenever... I don't know what just happened. What was the big pregnant pause? No I just might know Ray. Whenever we meet up with friends, they always do the arms wide hug greeting. I know my wife hates this as she'd rather just wave.

Well, waving is would be weird. Face to face. Just get real close. A close wave. Hello. Yeah. Just get real close a close way. Oh, yeah What is the best way for a non hugger to dodge the arm wide open awkwardness? It's a great question. There are good strategies here there and I've and I've used them Wow I because in my mind

You cannot dodge it. You cannot be the reactor to the situation. You must be the initiator. You preempt the handshake? If you want to go handshake. No, wave. If someone waves, they can then open their arms. That doesn't stop me from opening my arms as a greeting. The greeting has only started with a wave. It's going to conclude with a hug if I'm an extrovert. That's the risk with the handshake. That could turn into a one-armed hug. Oh, exactly. At worst, it's the side hug if it starts with a handshake. The side hug's what you have to go with. You have to make peace with the side hug. Yeah. If you are the person that doesn't want to be full-on hugged, you have to come in

with a one-arm out side hug and live with that. You can't get away with a face to face. No, a face to face wave does not work. A face wave doesn't work. A face wave doesn't work. I like the really up close wave. There is one other option. A kiss? It's not a kiss. Just go for it.

Ray should tell his wife there is one other option and that is always bring too many goods to the party. There we go. Two bags full of things. Chips. I brought some chips and some wine. I got these two big sacks. Otherwise, totally. And you do have to be holding them like this. You can't have them like, they can't just be a bottle of wine. Oh, you've got a giant teddy bear. There's a problem. Under your arm. There's a problem. Okay. Okay. We have,

is John, okay. Josh is in the room. Josh, producer Josh, Papa Josh. You think he's not swinging back around once you have placed your items down? What do you think, you think Ray's a hugger? Do you think that huggers and non-huggers get married? I don't know. I don't know that we will ever know. Yeah.

But, I mean, Ray, you gotta tell your friends. Like just- That is another option. Like that one's not awkward at all. you gotta tell your friends. Like just. That is another option. That one's not awkward at all. This way, talk to your friends. Hey, my wife's not really into hugs. Oh, you can't put the wife under the bus. This is you.

Don't you dare hug my wife. Don't you dare. Wait. Don't you dare hug my wife. Now you are, no, you're putting a fracture into your relationship with your friends. No, I'm support, I'm saying like this is, I get the physical contact, not you. Yeah, you know what?

That's inappropriate. You're out the friend group. If I tell you you can't hug my wife, I'm out your friend group? If you tell all your friends that, next thing you know, you're going to see photos on Instagram with all your buddies out having a great time going, wait. Where was my invite? No one told me about this. They'll be like, yeah, we'll catch you next time.

Tomorrow, more pictures. Okay. See, I just don't. Just tell your friends. Can it be wearable? Can there be a wearable, is there something you can wear on your? Like a sign that says don't hug me?

I'm just like, I mean, I can't think of something, but like spikes, you know what I mean? Like you got a real spiky shirt. You don't hug me? I mean, I can't think of something but like spikes. You know what I mean? You got a real spiky shirt. You don't want to hug this. I don't know. I'm just saying the way that you have your hands full, but eventually you're going to put something down.

Like the dog choker? Like a porcupine outfit? Something that would, from Hot Topic, stop you from hugging me because physically it's awkward or uncomfortable. If you are in a wheelchair is it less likely they'll hug you? Oh you're not doing a full arms open hug. That's a bend down hug right? You're still getting a side hug. You're getting a shoulder

pat. You are not! That one got sweaty because it's so demeaning. Well it's not a pat on the top of the head. Yeah that's that's way more. That's the worst one I would shoulder hug a person in a wheelchair. They're gonna get a hug. They're not getting a hug. Yes, I Don't think I'm not giving a full on hug to a wheelchair. No either. It's too awkward of a position awkward for the body It's not a hugger nothing against the person in the wheelchair. It's a physical impracticality Yeah, to give a full hug to someone in a wheelchair How does a bunch of impracticality to give a full hug to someone in a wheelchair. How does a bunch of wheelchair people greet each other at a party?

High fives. That's it, right? I do want to know. Maybe that's the appropriate time to wave. You two can sit in this hole by yourselves. This is not a hole. This is just logic. You've just left the building.

We're just, we're in logic building. There's no way. I mean, it's so awkward because of the the levels yeah it's a level issue especially I mean you're tall Mike that's now even better I'm thinking about it in terms of like if I'm not part of it if like my nephew comes in to give me a hug and he's like six or seven he can hug like you can still hug a kid standing there and it works, right? Yes. Even though you're standing up, you don't have to go bend down, but you don't have those kind of hugs with people in wheelchairs.

Why? Because you can't, because they're, they're distance. Can you get a surprise hug from like back behind the wheelchair person? Yeah, I mean that you'd have to come up from behind and that just doesn't work. They're going to feel like you're under attack then. Yeah, that's why you don't do it. This is the key. The key is a wheelchair, Ray. Yeah, I think so, right? Just problem solved.

Break your wife's legs and help her out of this situation. I don't think she can just pretend. I don't think you need to actually break the wife's legs. Wait, if you're on crutches, no one's giving you a hug either, right? No, I'd give a hug. Not if they're facing outward. The crutches, no one's giving you a hug either, right? No, I'd give a hug. Not if they're facing outward. The crutches are facing outward? In front of you.

No, yes I wouldn't. Also, if they're holding a gun and pointing it at you, I will not hug them. All right, I think we offered tons of good practical advice. There's at least some options. Liz from the website needs life advice as well. I'm surprised that two people need help today. Everyone needs a little help. I don't handle flying very well and the only thing that brings me comfort is sitting near

the window. Oh no. That's my preference by the way. On my last flight, I was asked to trade seats with a woman so she could sit next to her husband and kid. As I looked she was in the middle seat a few rows back. Oh no. A middle is asking to trade? How do you politely refuse without feeling terrible about yourself? And I, I did this. You traded in? But did you feel terrible about yourself? Or you traded out? I didn't trade. Oh you were asked. You traded in or you traded out?

I didn't trade. You said no. Oh, you were asked, you were propositioned. I said no. Yes, because you should say no. I was put in the position where I was directly, it was, we were flying to Hawaii and it was just two seats.

Yeah. They asked for you to change on a flight to Hawaii? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was two seats. No, get out of here. And then there were two in the middle and two on the side. So there's two two two and I'm on the window and then the woman is next to me and then her husband is one more over So she wanted me to move to an interior aisle. No, no, and I felt bad but I said a No, how did you do it?

Did you just say no and turn your back on her? Or did you make an excuse? Did you say, I'm sorry, I need the window to? I said, I'm more comfortable at the window, I'm sorry. That's why I bought this seat. That's all you have to say. Look. And to be honest, they messed up.

100% it's on them. They messed it up. Get your ticket sooner. Like there are definitely gonna be times where if it's if it is a a child by themselves Yeah, and a parent okay, you can get me on the hard strings. Yeah, but in this situation They said that it was one of the parents was there and it would with the kids not alone. Yeah, they're fine They're fine. Look, I I was properly prepared and I got the seat that I wanted to have. I am not giving it up to be really uncomfortable because you couldn't book your flight on time. I wonder what Liz did.

Like for like is always a yes. Correct. Correct. If I need to change from window to window, aisle to aisle so you can say yeah. That's no problem. I've seen people refuse that in person. I'm like, why? It's a little strange.

Like just move. Well, what if you have a thing with your neck where you can only sleep to the left and you don't want to go over to the right side? You shouldn't be on this flight deck. You should be the chiropractor. That's a totally different issue. But the audacity to me to even ask, if you are in a middle seat, don't you dare. You shouldn't be allowed to talk in your seat of shame.

You don't talk to a window. OK, now unless it's your relative who's on that flight with you, you sit in that seat of shame because that's what you deserve. That's what you got at your own fault. And a window is a shameful Middle is a shameful experience. I've sat in the middle before. Yeah, it was shameful You didn't and you didn't talk it. No, I sat in it. I know sat now. I do have a Important question that's been brought up. What if it's a like-for-like trade?

But the passenger you're gonna end up sitting by is not like for like. Oh, that's not like for like, oh man. But the worst part about that is you have to go take see back sees on that. Like as you're walking over. Well, yeah, you don't know yet. You know what? Just kidding.

I mean, like, let's say there are a couple of aisles ahead of you and they're like, oh, I've got the window up there and my husband's here. Can I sit by you? And you're like, yeah. And then you go and you walk up there and then it's like oh And then you go back go. I'm sorry So you say it's it slipped my mind, but I can't do that I just forgot To refuse earlier. No, you just go back you say ah the stewardess said I gotta stay in my oh, yeah

That's the flight attendant was like You guys sit where you sign seating my I checked my ticket is 7 a I've never heard that excuse me a sir You go sit in your half seat All right, yeah, I mean it it's full-class warfare Yeah, get out, get out of the seat. You go sit in your half seat. Half seat. All right. But yeah, it's full class warfare on the plate. What sucks is that- Middles versus everybody.

It's what you said, you said the audacity. I said no. How was the rest of the flight? But I felt bad for a little while. Yeah, for a little while. Not for the whole time. On a very long flight. On a long flight, I only felt bad for 20 minutes.

So the question here is, so how do you politely refuse without feeling terrible about yourself? Now we can tell you just don't. Do not act like you speak the language that they speak. No, no. Then you can't order drinks. You know what I mean? You need to not feel bad. You need to make them feel bad that they would even ask you to do this. How dare you? Whoa! Hit him with that. Let's be like, whoa!

Are you joking? You can't be serious. Yeah, you've got to make them feel bad. You put them in their place. We can't be serious. Yeah, you got to make them feel bad You put them in their place like we can't do that I just keep saying we can't we can't do that. Yes. It is a it is absolutely That's the special sauce right there is playing we say we as a singular you see we can't do no I'm bringing them in. Oh, absolutely. They're part of this, you know lady next to you is asking you said we can't do that. I'm bringing them in. Oh, I see. Oh, absolutely, they're part of this. You know, lady next to you is asking, you said we can't do that.

I'm so sorry. We don't break the rules. You know, would you mind switching? We just can't do that. We can't do that. We can't do that, I'm sorry. We can't. We can't.

Is it rude to- Could you just say you can't do that? Is it rude to just put the AirPods in and then say you can't hear? Now, I will say that that is a pro move. If you're a window, so Liz, you don't handle flying well and the only thing that brings you comfort is sitting next to the window.

Next time, you get on that flight, you get in your seat, you put them cans on, and you stare out that window. There is no person more intimidating on a flight than Mike Wright. Oh my gosh. He gets on a plane. Mike has tattoo covered arms. He is a, you know, he's a strong big man with a big beard, with a grumpy face. Angry face.

And then he puts his cans on. I mean, there have, I'm telling you this right now. There are at least 10 people in the life of Mike Wright that have held their bathroom break on a plane because they probably didn't want to interrupt Mike Wright and try to get by. There are people that might have busted kidneys because they weren't willing to awaken Mike. And Mike also does the, he closes his eyes. Cause Mike's the aisle. Mike and I are both aisle flyers.

You think I don't know what I'm doing? Yeah, no. You shut the thing down. Yeah. I will have none of this on the airplane. If the plane- I'm in my seat. If the plane crashed and someone needed help getting off the plane, they would not interrupt Mike

on what he was doing to ask for help. That's, I don't know if we discussed the exit row the the whole way I don't know if we have to stay in the exit row right I'm saying like this whole thing where the plane like if when you're in the exit row and you're getting on or it's either when you're boarding the plane or on the plane someone will check in like now you're in the exit yeah do you accept the response and it was like in and be like, now you're in the exit row. Yeah. Do you accept the responsibility? Do you accept the response? And everyone's like, yeah. Do you have to go to court or something?

No. We found out that the person in the exit row was actually not very helpful. Yeah. It's for them. They said yes. We have video. They said yes. Get out of here. It's for the airline to be able to say when no one could get off the plane. No, we checked. Yeah. Oh yeah. He said he trained for this. We've talked about this before but I guess I'm this still upsets me

Matt from the website has one more life advice question for us. My girlfriend is a twin and For the life of me. I cannot tell her apart from her sister. Oh, I know she expects me to know the difference But I honestly don't Magic marker How do I go about greeting her or? Them without making the terrible mistake of thinking her sister is her no, it's me. I'm telling you it's a magic marker What are you doing with the mark? So I'm palming it right? You don't know I've got a marker Uh-huh, you give your you give your sweetie a a kiss, and you just put a little mark on her neck. But that'll wash off.

You gotta do it every couple days. Every couple days, you just give her a little mark right on the neck, and then you know. Then you know. Can you suggest a new hairstyle? So that is clutch. I have nephews, identical twin nephews, I've never been able to tell them apart.

I don't see them super often. And so when I see that, I mean, I don't even try. I don't even try because it's impossible. Hit them with the big dog? And they just came. What's up, big dog? And one of them has long hair and one of them has short hair now.

Oh. I was like- Which one's which? Dude, that's brilliant. And the dad was like, yeah, it's really helpful Was like we usually dress them one is usually in blue one is usually green but this is that's just pro move that is it's very this whole conversation is very comforting to me because I Think I've lived most of my life thinking that I'm the one that can't tell the difference between twins Other people can no they can't tell the difference between twins. They're identical. And other people can.

No, they can't. They're lying. And I have heard that like- Sometimes you can. When you take twins home from the hospital, like it is actually a thing. You can confuse them and not call them the right name. And so they say they'll like put nail polish on the toes, but it's like- Magic marker.

I'm telling you. Yeah. I was going to go with a secret handshake. But that would then... that'll give it away that you are getting it wrong. Yeah, you can't give it away. No. What? No.

What? You go up, like if you're greeting them both at the exact same time, you walk up and you start doing the secret handshake and you see... To which one, Mike? You initiate and you see... To which one, Mike? You initiate and you see... To which one? Your secret handshake is just broadened in general? Like it starts with your hand in the sky? Yes! All handshakes start with the original position of a hand shake. To a person! To a person! Yes! Which person is when he's saying it? I don't walk up to two people and put my hand

in the middle and say who wants to shake it? No, but I go up to one person and judging by how they start shaking my hand I'll know right away he's like hi girlfriend yes here's my party handshake normally you greet your girlfriend with a kiss so hold on the handshake but putting a mark it marker is the answer I'm you know it's like oh these are so funny dude I'm telling you now Matt this is the answer just give them a precious piece of jewelry they'll never take off oh It's like, oh, these are so funny. Dude, I'm telling you, man, this is the answer. Just give them a precious piece of jewelry they'll never take off. Oh, wow, that's a pretty good answer.

It's gotta be a necklace. Or a ring. A ring would probably be better. A ring would be better. Because I think the necklace, even a precious necklace comes off sometimes. But I don't think a precious ring does. Yeah, but hands can be in pockets that's true that's true it's a precious monocle

ah I if you love me you'll always use your monocle honey you ever thought of getting a grill really nice golden, you could chip her tooth. Well, I would rather just use magic markers on her neck. That means you act like you have now turned the magic marker on the neck into a reasonable answer. It's a reasonable answer. You're marking her neck with a marker. Yeah.

Do you got to go full throat tattoo? Well, probably not. You you'd be like, Hey, let's go get matching throat tattoos. And then you go first. And then when it's my turn, you're like, Oh, I can't get it right. Somebody has done that before. Somebody out there has had a pledge to get neck tattoos with their friend chickened out after the first person got them. And there's nothing you can do. You can't force force a tattoo that's a great piece of life advice if you ever go into

a tattoo parlor go second with any kind of time with any group of friends yet it's either the same time or you go second yeah no that's pro tip I still think that you know all right yeah we've got ideas. I'm going to leave it there. Quick break back with the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, Jason, surprise. We are drafting gifts to give your enemies kids on today's show. I am prepared weeks on this. No, so we, you know, you've got an enemy and you're going to give their kid a gift and it's given with the intention of causing havoc for your enemy.

Yeah. And so? It's a real gift, but they're not gonna like it. So they're gonna get a, I mean, my number one pick, I'm gonna have to go with it, showing up at their door for my enemy's kids. It's a brand new, high-end, loud drum kit. Yeah.

They're all loud. It's a drum kit. That was- Well, it's not one of the electronic ones you can plug into your- Okay, an acoustic drum set? Acoustic drum set, yeah. It's a drum kit. That was it. It's not one of the electronic ones you can plug in here. An acoustic drum set? Acoustic drum set, yeah. It's the...

It's the 101. That was what I scattered last week when we were supposed to do this. Oh, were you gonna take it? I was gonna take a drum kit. Okay, all right, Mike, you're up. Extra cymbals on that kit. Yeah.

All right. A drum kit of all cymbals. Yes, that's right. All right. A drum kit of all symbols. Yes, that's right. All right. I am going to introduce this child into, look, as you get older, you want to be taking care of yourself and you want to smell good. Oh. I'm going to give this kid big can of Axe body spray.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That's funny. Yeah, they'll overuse that a little bit. Oh, just a little bit. Yeah, you put something, kids and aerosols, they're just cool anyways, right? I think that's the whole reason

Bonocca was popular with kids, is just the container. So yeah, Axe body spray house, nice. That entire house will be smelling of just a smarmy man for at least a couple days. That's funny. Axe Body Spray, very nice. All right, so I am up. I'm going to give the gift that you can't get rid of.

And that is a bearded dragon It's it's a bearded dragon You're gonna You gotta clean this thing's poop. You gotta try to keep it alive. You gotta it does nothing. It gives nothing back You can't get rid of it Man, I hate our beard dragons Man, I hate our bearded dragons. You still haven't got rid of them? I genuinely thought you were going to say pepper.

Oh, my dog. No, I was able to get rid of pepper. But you still have the bearded dragon. Yeah, I will have it until it dies. Has he eaten? I got him to eat a worm the other day. Nice. He is.

This is your bearded dragon so much. Oh, this is my bearded dragon. If you weren't around, the dragon dies. I don't think it can I really don't we've tested it's an immortal it's just it doesn't need to eat that's for sure it's anorexic or something it's got its own issues. All right I am back a dragon I'm gonna give this kid exactly what he wants when he opens this he's gonna love it. He's gonna be thrilled But I can't stand when my kid gets anything like this I

am getting $100 worth of candy Yeah, you're gonna open up. Oh, yeah box of a box of sugar, baby. Oh my gosh. Just candy, chocolate, gummies. Dude, it's the worst. Just so much sugar, so much candy. I mean, have fun little squirt. Go hog wild. Enjoy yourself, man.

This is your birthday. That is a gift for your enemies. Which is so strange, because all the grandparents seem to do that. Yes, yes, the grand, but we are enemies to grandparents I've learned. Grandparents, extended family, they just buy your kid candy and your kid knows, your kids forget tons of things. What they do not forget is an itemized list of the candy that they receive on Easter Sunday. I know every single piece that I have and what piece I have eaten and they're doing it every day. How about

uh, how about I have some of that candy? Yeah, no candy uh... It's the worst. Kids really like to receive it and it's a really mean thing for the parents. Alright Mike, you're back up. Alright, so I have the Axe body spray and we're gonna go next with, I'm trying to remember the name of it, do you guys remember that the electronic fish that sings? Oh yeah! The bass! But it's like motion detected. Yeah, and every time you walk by. It just sings. Yeah. Why did that thing exist?

Why did that happen? It existed completely as a gag. Somebody's a millionaire because of that. Big mouth Billy Bass. There, Billy Bass. Yeah, that's the one. Big mouth Billy Bass. Does it say what he would sing?

Two songs. Take me to the river. Yeah, that's right. Take me to the river. And then hunting, fishing and loving every day. Those are the two songs. That's a good one. Just be like, man, I can't wait to be back and see this on the wall.

Three stars on Amazon, how dare you? It's all, it's probably two and a half because it's one stars and five stars, depending on who bought it Versus who received it. There's somebody in a really nice house somewhere and they go How did you what did you do for a living and he said I invented? Big mouth Billy Bass. Do you think that person's really nice home? Beautiful. Oh it has

Oh, it's all over. Oh,. Every room just has a dozen of them. Take me to the river. All right, back to me. Yep. All right, so I've got the drum set. And look, you're giving it to your enemy's kids. The kids don't own the house, your enemy owns the house. Right.

Kids live in the house. Kids cause problems in the house, which is why I'm giving this child I'm giving them a glitter bomb Next pic was a it was a glitter gift set. Yeah a glitter bomb is perfect because The kids gonna think it's amazing and cool The kid might not have any problem with what happens when you open it up, but a glitter bomb That is my number two pick. Have fun, enemy. And then, why not?

Why not, you know, sometimes you get a gift and you don't really wanna spend up, you don't wanna spend the money. I'm spending up. Oh, that's very nice of you. I'm gonna take my savings and I'm gonna buy the best karaoke machine that has ever existed.

That with the drums. Oh yeah. They're gonna have a blast. Use them together, use them together. I'm going karaoke machine. Get your friends over and just have a party. When you turn it on, you can't turn it down enough. So that's the plan.

Mike, you have Axe body spray and a singing bass plaque. That's Billy. Yeah, Billy Bass. And you got another pick. And it ain't a glitter bomb. Yeah. I really wanted to get that one. But I am going to buy the young chap. Look, in these times, right, I mean, we all want to find different ways to save money. And taking care of yourself.

What if there was just like a self hair cutting? I mean, I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting.

I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I'm not going to buy a hair cutting. I mean, we all wanna find different ways to save money and taking care of yourself. What if there was a self hair cutting situation for old young Billy Bob over there?

I'd be like, hey bro, just take care of your hair. So you're just getting him a- Like a barber set? Yeah, just some type of hair cutting. Maybe a beard trimmer. Yeah, that's good That's not gonna end well. I mean it's it's a little more of attack on the child, but Well, I got a better attack on the child I'm going right after this kid and you know because our kid well the my enemy loves him

And so you know the friend of my enemy is my enemy wait, is that right? The friend of your enemy friend of my enemy would be my enemy That is correct yeah enemy of my enemy is my friend is actually correct the friend of my enemy is my friend is actually it correct the friend of my enemy is my enemy oh my goodness it all works out logic is perfect all right what are you getting this poor child this poor child is gonna get a gift that they are going to love until the inevitable I'm getting them a pogo stick Your enemy a hospital bill is what I'm getting them. Yeah pogo stick in parentheses hospital bill That's congratulations are pretty dangerous Billy you maybe you get some crutches too But I'm only buying the pogo stick way cheaper for me

Not for my enemy And then you're very cruel What are you talking more kid kids gonna love getting a pogo stick? It's my kids jamming out on the drums He's loving his life. It's an active gift. It's it's about health get out there and get healthy Maybe you'll become like some halftime show play 60 Get out there and get healthy. Maybe you'll become like some halftime show. Play 60. Yes.

Some pogo stick champion. All right, and then the last thing, this has kind of gone out of fashion a little bit. I'm hoping to bring it back with this child. A couple years ago, this was the rage. This was all the rage. My daughter was so into it. Every kid was so into it.

Wait, it's gone now? It's not as popular. It was wildly popular. I am getting this kid a DIY slime. Slime. Slime. Nothing. Nothing ruins things like slime.

Why does every kid have to have a slime face? I don't know but Slime is like you play with it, right you you you stretch it. It's cool. You drop it on the table Oh, it's right up. Everything is fine. There's some materials There are some things you get it on this couch or this shirt or something I don't care what you do. You can't burn it off. That slime is now a chemical part of that new object, and it will create problems, make messes, and ruin objects. And it sounds like a problem.

So you went with bearded dragon, way too much candy, a pogo stick slash hospital bill, and a do-it-yourself slime kit. Yes. And the thing about the slime is it now became a thing where it's, okay, I make slime and you're like, okay, what are you going to do with that? Nothing. I'm actually, I'm going to make more slime. Yeah.

This is, this is all we do. I'm just jarring slime. That's all I do. The playing with slime is making more slime. When I was a kid, it came in in a little plastic bucket and we made it fart. Yeah, that's all I do. The playing with slime is making more slime. When I was a kid, it came in a little plastic bucket and we made it fart. Yeah, that's all you did. For 10 minutes and you were done with it.

Yeah, you're like, okay, I don't need this anymore. What do we have? We had Silly Putty. Silly Putty, Silly Putty, yeah. Is that still a thing? I'm sure it still exists, which is awesome. It went out with newspapers. Yeah, it feels like it.

Oh yeah, you used to. I mean, that was half of what you did, right? Yeah, you put it on newspaper and you peel it off and the ink comes off. Mike has Axe body spray, a singing bass plaque and a hair cutting clippers. And I will be jumping in here with, I was trying to think of something that could be

noise pollution as well to go along with Andy's drums pollution as well, uh, to go along with, with, uh, Andy's drums. And I think it's gotta be the bag pipes because the bag pipe, like here's the thing. The bag pipes at their best still sound, still sound a bit like a dying cat. I'm not saying I have not been like, be like, hey, sweets, the bagpipes, that sounds good over this. But in general, if you're a really good bagpipe player,

it's not the best. Learning how to play the bagpipes, it's the worst. OK. That's a great pick. It wasn't on my list. It should have been. I'm going to close out my list with a talking parrot. Oh. The kid will love it. list with a talking parrot. Oh, maybe.

The kid will love it. Talk about a thing that'll never die. Those things live like 80 years. Yeah, they do, right? They live a long time. They usually outlive you. And they can repeat what mom and dad said in private. That's the scariest part.

What are you, a parrot or a rat? Right. Swish. All right, what about the, that's the end of our draft. I had the drum kit, glitter bomb, karaoke machine, and the talking parrot. What were some of your last things on the list? I had a vuvuzela.

Yeah, I was going didgeridoo, which yours is better. I couldn't figure out how to get it exactly because like I think you only have them for toddlers but squeaky shoes. That's funny. Pack of whistles. Kinetic sand. Oh yeah. Similar problems. It gets everywhere. Yeah it does. If you don't have a home base for it. And I joke about the bearded dragon the way worse gift I I got the bearded dragon because I have to live through it but if you get any kind of Gerbil hamster hamster Ferret any in one of those things they smell so bad. Oh ferret would have been good. Oh fair

Yeah, those things are just that's a smell You know, it doesn't it only smells like a ferret. Yeah. It's so bad. What did we learn today? Josh is coming in in defense of ferrets. What are you doing? The animal might be awesome, but its smells are not awesome. Yeah, there's no one that likes the smell of a ferret. Yeah, I'm not saying that it wouldn't

be fun to watch a ferret. Today I'm- And now Al Borland loves fun to watch a ferret. Uh, today I- And now Al Borland loves ferrets too. What are you- what is happening? They smell so bad. I'm gonna get you a ferret. Hey, hold on, hold on. For you two that love ferrets, how many ferrets you got, Josh?

I don't have any anymore. Okay, how many ferrets you got, Al? Same, we had two growing up, but I've got zero now. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a child think of all the memories that you made would either one of you like that by your free fair free fair you're depriving your child free right now I'm being you know I'm honest you know I mean this I will buy you a ferret right now if you want or Papa Josh are they not as cool as you thought your answer would you like to buy a ferret like to receive a gift right right to receive it put put put it on users carry users alley can oh yeah no problem all right Papa Josh would you like to a free ferret purchased by me?

No. OK. Al? I just got a new dog. So we're good right now. Yeah, exactly. This is outstanding, Jason. Well done.

Thank you. What I learned today is that both those guys are liars about ferrets. And we'll leave it there. Thank you for joining us on the spitballers where we all hate ferrets equally. We'll catch you next week. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.