Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

It’s a brand new episode of the funniest podcast around. On this episode we get dumb with some Would You Rather, help the world with some Life Advice before wrapping things up with a Most Embarrasing Things That Can Happen on a Date Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Jason is somehow able to make? I have never heard a human anything like this. That might have been my best scat. And it was because it wasn't solely my voice. Now that was me. Apparently you're putting an Alvin filter on me or something.

Is this what happened? Yes, sir. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Oh, I see. Okay, oh, I see. I see what you do. When? It's back. We, on the drive in, I was like, you know,

this man stole two scats from the- So let's steal another one? From the history of the show. No, that's payback. Yeah, I get it, a little punishment. He muted me mid-scat, or before I scatted, I gotta get him back. Is that a get back? before I scat it. I got to get him back Is that a get back? It's a get back. I think it was an improvement

Thank you who hates doing the scat you basically made it so I bailed him out. You didn't have to do anything I did feel very bailed out. That was awesome. Yeah Get me again. I don't know if you know what revenge is Why look I did want to tell under dollars in your face Got you so good Look, it's about the show. It's about this spit was we want entertainment. All right Welcome to episode 322. We've got would you rather life advice and we're drafting the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date Revenge is a dish best served warm and nice. And delicious.

I heated that up for you. He's like, can I do the Alvin voice every scat? Yeah, that would be awesome. Yeah, it'll be a good show today. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for sending in your ideas for Would You Rather and life advice.

And that's a great question. And your draft ideas are always welcome. Al Borland appreciates those very much at SpitballersPod on X, you can send those in. Let's get it going. (*upbeat music*) Would you rather? Jason Mike, JD from Patreon writes in,

would you rather get telekinesis for two minutes every day? Which is what reading minds right no controlling moving moving stuff with your mind. Oh, I'm glad I asked Kinesis Kyle that would let me that would let me Move things yeah, yes, you're thinking of telepathy yes two minutes every day We could move stuff with our minds or Be given one time access to a magical pet store Where whatever pet you pick out and bring home will never die

So these things are very related not I mean these are real JD's got an imagination. Would you rather have? spaghetti or Go to Hawaii What? for the sake of the conversation and the question how Powerful is my telekinesis. Oh, it's an important complete

Complete like I can lift a building up out of the ground from the foundations? I can grab the moon? It matters. I was going to say 250 pounds. I don't know what that means. 250 pounds. Oh, okay. 250 pounds.

So I can't lift a car? No. I can't lift Al? Oh! Yes! Oh no! Yes! Boom shakalaka!

Oh get wrecked! Oh no! Oh man Boom shakalaka! Oh get wrecked! Oh man. Oh no! See that's revenge dude. Yeah there you go, that's cold. That's what it is. That's cold blooded. You do something to make someone else feel really bad.

Yeah, ow, ow how did that feel? Accurate. Oh no, that's why, oh man. Andy is a turtle. The best part of this is I really think Andy feels very bad right now He's so upset that he did it, but can I tell you something Andy? This is a good joke. There's a good joke oh My goodness Oh you should shoot me. Oh, you should shoot me.

That's what he should do. I'm so sorry. Oh, those were Jason jokes a while back. Yeah. I mean, Jason, you're really ruining a lot of our material here with your thin. I could still be the fat guy. No, you can't.

I mean, me and Jason talked yesterday. We were within a pound of each other. OK. All right. But Jason's each other okay, all right, but Clear can I use telekinesis on either of you? Okay good all right hot in here man um okay 250 pound limit two minutes a day Gil what no I get a dog that never dies See I was gonna ask you the eternal the eternal pet a dog that never dies? See, I was going to ask you, the eternal pet, is that that cool?

Yes. I don't know if it is that cool because I don't want my dogs to die. But I wait until then to get another pet. You know what I mean? Like I've had over my life. You think getting a new pet is cool? I've had Barclay, I've had Rocky, I've had these different dogs that are- They're all dead. They are, well, not Rocky, but the rest are dead. And that sucks, that was a tragic, awful time.

But there is something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well. Do you think- Do you think about your wife too? Yeah, I mean, you know, we're- I need a new period. I- A new moment in my life.

Change can be good. Not with your dog. No way. Um- My dog lives forever? Look, an eternal dog would be very cool, but let's not. Two minutes a day of telekinesis. Does this mean that I, to be clear, is it a two minute window or do I get two total minutes

of movement? So, like, I could use five seconds here to move something. I'm giving you the timer that is as you use it it windows down. What are the practical uses of this? That's why I'm saying this. I could get like a soda out of the fridge and bring it to me. That's right without getting up. Without getting up.

But that's probably 10 seconds you use. If I get out of the pool, I could bring the towel to me me real quick actually the shower when you forget the towel. That's legit That's yeah, so this is good for the few times you forget the towel that is good or the toilet paper Or when you lose your What do you mean? Oh if you're out of toilet paper you sat down and you're like, oh shoot I didn't grab a new roll. I thought you were sitting right next to the toilet paper You put your hand out and you just bring it over like a foot. How are you gonna get it?

Like if you can't see it. You have to be able to visually see this? If you can't see it, can you telekinesis? Yeah, if it's close enough, yeah. I can get, now if the door's shut, oh shoot, I can open the door. Yeah. I can move that handle.

Can we roll over the time? Like can I store up? Or is two minutes maximum? Two minutes maximum. Cause you were like trying to save it for one full day of telekinesis? I is two minutes maximum? Two minutes maximum. Well, it's because you were trying to stay over for one full day of telekinesis. I'm trying to figure out, oh wait. Let's say you had one full day of telekinesis.

Why is that any better? What are you doing with it? Well, if I stay under 250, weight-wise, can I lift myself? And do I have to walk anymore? That's a gray area. Is it? Because it's my own self that's using the?

Yeah, physics still matter here. I think that the only advantageous thing I can see, like if I were to, like I could be the best basketball player of all time. I'm swishing every shot. Because as soon as you notice you're going to miss, which is often, you just correct. Yeah, but never, because I correct.

But it would be, like you can get the ball exactly where it needs to be, so it would only take you maybe a second. Yeah, exactly. Of your time. People probably wouldn't notice that you're using telekinesis on your shots. No.

Because you're gonna get them close enough, and they'll be like, why did it kind of turn a little bit there? Right, he always somehow. Golf, you'd be real good at golf. Real good. Yeah. and they'll be like, why did it kind of turn a little bit there? Right, he always somehow. Golf? You'd be real good at golf. Real good. Yeah.

Like the best. Well, I don't even know. You haven't seen my slice, brother. Fair enough. Not enough telekinesis. Full two minutes to get it all the way from where you're hitting it? Yeah, that's hole one.

I'll get it. I will take the dog. Yeah, we're gonna take the dog. Yes. Noah from the website, I'm still sweaty. Would you rather have your brain continue to age normally but your body doesn't age? Or your body continues to age normally

but your brain doesn't age? Oh, this is philosophical. Either way, your lifespan is the same. I don't wanna lose my brain. I really don't. I already feel like I am. And I, you know, I don't need to be able to go out and run a marathon, but if I can communicate

with the people I care about, I think that's the way I'd go. I see what you're saying. Obviously, if you lose your brain, your body is irrelevant. But this is, you know, having your brain continue to age normally. And I think that the brain ages better than the body. I think that if I had a 70-year-old brain with a 30-year-old body, that would be far superior. Like a 70 year old is not you know we're not saying you don't gain wisdom though right correct you're just like impact on memory yes yes mental acuity right your cognitive learning my my father is 74

and he's I don't feel like his mind is anywhere you know you could get lucky but I know I mean, my dad is 71. His body's in really good shape. And he can't remember anything. His body's in really good shape for 71. For 70. For 70. But it's not a 20-something-year-old body.

No, I'm just saying, like, which gamble is the worst gamble? Because I know a lot of people that when they get older, their brains, their minds, it just naturally goes a bad direction. But if I compare, like, if you've got a room lot of people that when they get older, their brains, their minds, it just naturally goes a bad direction. But if I compare, like if you got a room full of 30 year olds and a room full of 70 year olds, the room is full of just those two people. They're all 30 and they're all 70. And you say, okay, what's eight times six?

You ask a bunch of intelligent questions. I don't think the gap between. Like eight times six. You know, real brain busters. I'm just saying, if you ask. Cottage cheese? You know. No, I don't agree with you.

Because look at your brain, right? Technology, you love technology. It changes all the time. You hit an age with your brain. It's over You're not learning the new stuff. You're not honestly if you want to bring technology I was gonna I was gonna leave that off, but technology is gonna make our brains very irrelevant Hey, I is gonna do all my thinking for me already is so Give me that but now okay now you tell now you tell that room and you say okay guys

I'd like ten push-ups, please. And you got the 30-year-olds going down going, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. You're right about that. And then you got the 70-year-olds going, I broke my hip! I just tried to get to the ground, I broke my hip!

Oh, ambolence. That implies 10 push-ups is more valuable than the brain stuff. I'm not saying that the body is more valuable than the brain stuff. I'm not saying that the body is more valuable than the brain. I'm saying that the gap is so much bigger between body and brain. Your body wears down faster than your brain. I want the brain. I want the brain. I don't want the risk of not having my brain there.

No body with a brain. Okay. I still like my life. Sure. I'm with you. No brain with the body. I do not. The risk, because it's like, I mean, you know, Alzheimer's and that stuff is like, that's, that is something that I don't wish upon anybody. So you prevent in this scenario, you're preventing from that risk. But I think that I'm with Jason. I'm going to take the physical body.

Madison from X, would you rather snap your fingers and have your appearance transformed as something that closely aligns with society's standards for aesthetics and beauty? Glad Madison is lots of words there. To say you look good. Yeah, or snap your fingers in you have society's standards for aesthetics beauty

transform to something that closely aligns with your current appearance. So do you want to be hot, or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason? Right. I don't think that's the summary. I think the summary would be that everybody doesn't change. It's their opinion.

Their opinion becomes what you look like. Oh, standards. Yes, the opinion of like, everyone, like you snap your fingers and Jason is the ideal man. Right. And so he is already fitting that. Yeah, I already am, so. This is a really impossible question

because in our brains, we know what we think those standards are. This is like the episode of The Twilight Zone, where they take the bandages off the gal's face, and she's like a Hollywood actress, and everyone's like, oh, you're hideous. And then the big twist is everyone looks like a pig face. Right.

I have not seen that episode. It sounds wild. In the kind of analogy there, you'd be the pig face in this situation. Yeah. I don't want to be the pig face. But your face is like a pig. And people like it.

Oh, people like the pig face. Yeah. You live in a world of pig faces. I mean, if people like pig faces, I want to be a pig face. Right? If you snap your fingers. That's a good point. Yeah, if you snap your fingers You could look like Brad Pitt or you can snap your fingers and Brad Pitt now wants to look like you Well, that's easy. I want to look like Brad Pitt

But that's because you think we Brad Pitt looks like the best looking man It's because Brad Pitt is healthier than me. It's because if I can... No, no, no, you don't change. It's people's opinion of you changing. No, no, no, one of them is I change to look like Brad Pitt, right? Correct.

So that one, I... That's a different question. That's because you respect the way Brad Pitt looks. No, I'm just saying objectively, like... Even outside of... Abdominal fat is bad. This is this is just aesthetics This is not health or long-term this is a my expensiveness questions a mind job because

The answer is truly I want to snap my fingers and look like something I think is good-looking so I feel like if I snap my fingers nothing changes No, no, no. Yeah, right. All right. No, I see what you're saying, Eddie. So the answer... Can I move you with my mind?

The answer really should be that you want to snap your fingers and look like who you think is attractive. That is the answer for everybody. That's the real answer. That's the real answer, because alternatively, it's all from your own vantage point and your own opinions and so if you Snap your fingers. It's nice that everyone else would think that you are the ideal attraction, but you wouldn't but you don't You won't feel good. Oh, yeah, it will change over time Like if everybody thinks you're attractive you will start having self-confidence and all of those things

But one happens. I don't have to work out Like if everybody thinks you're attractive, you will start having self-confidence and all of those things. But one happens immediately. I don't have to work out. But one happens immediately. If I snap my fingers and I do look like, you know, the ideal version, I'll feel great immediately and everyone thinks I look good.

So I picked that one. Yeah, for sure. Okay. We got time for one more? Yeah, let's do one more. Ethan from Patreon, you are at an outside sporting event. Would you rather have the person next to you chain smoking cigarettes?

Doesn't sound great. Or continuously ripping extremely ripe, lingering farts? Oh, man. Extremely ripe. So I have a question. Yeah. Can farts cause lung cancer? Oh, man. Extremely ripe. So I have a question. Yeah. Can farts cause lung cancer? Ooh, that is one for AI.

I'm on it. I bet. Like, if you're exposed to them at that. That, I mean, for a day, no, you're going to be fine. Yeah, but thought experiment here. Cigarettes replace what's going into your body with fart. I think it's, there's. Would you get cancer from that? There's chemicals that we send out that are really bad.

Is it- No, no, we're good here. We're good? Farts cannot cause lung cancer. It's made up of gases like nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide. No methane in there? There's a little methane, small amounts of sulfur. You don't wanna smoke sulfur.

Right, but they're small amounts. But these aren't small amounts. These are continuous, extremely right, lingering. These are heavy. They sit in the air like a cloud. If you sit in a cloud of farts, do you, when you leave there, because if I'm next to the cigarette smoker, I leave, I'm going to smell like cigarettes all day. My clothes...

You will smell like farts. Yeah, you will That's the question that you're sitting in. Yeah, you're sitting in the party permanent. They will permeate Yeah, it's getting in that shirt your shirt it how long though like eight hours goes by I'm gonna smell like cigarettes You're telling me I take my shirt off at the end of the day and I smell it It smells like the farts of the morning. I think so. Okay, all right, I got an update here. I think so, uh-oh. What if it was extreme amounts and a constant cloud of farts that never leave? Okay, and now this is a game changer,

but it says not lung cancer still. Oxygen deprivation is the big. So immediate death. Yeah, you might die from farts. Like now. He choked on a fart. Is the big immediate death yeah, you might die from farts like now Now so I've got I've got personal experience with both of these recently He does both at the same time. I So really yes, I'm more. I'm more. I hope this is an airplane or something

This was an airplane, so we just more surprised about the the cigarette cigarette So like where there? I where are you around that? Where am I around cigarettes? Every day here after I eat lunch, I take two laps around the building. Your fart laps? I am outside in the open air, and there is a person who is every day taking a smoke break.

The same person every day day no matter what. That person just sits down and smokes behind one of the buildings. I can't, I really, I'm not around it a lot. I can't believe I'm outside and I walk 15 feet away from this person all the way away. It's strong. And I'm like, I have to hold my breath

because I'm like straight smoking a cigarette. So you're kind of going, just to be clear, you're kind of going on a smoke break every day at lunch. Yeah, for health. You know, trying to make sure I stay healthy, get my legs moving, and suck in that tobacco. I didn't realize you were half and doing. You should bring a mask that you put on 30 feet away.

Oh, yeah, just wait till they look at me. Walk through. Or take the mask off. Store up your farts. Oh, fight fire with fire. Yeah. Nice. I like that.

I thankfully always have my farts stored up, and I'm ready at any moment. It's frightening. But also, we just flew to Chicago, and I thought I was gonna make that whole plane flight. You didn't make a statement yet. But right at the end, man, someone. Oh, you didn't let one.

No, not me, I do not fart on planes. Now, I will say this. You're a man of principle. I am a man of principle. You don't make 100 other people recirculate your insides. Don't do it it people. I will say this. If I'm on a plane, I will sometimes, if I really need, I'll give a little test. Yeah. I'll give a little test. That's alright. To see if you're packing smell. To see if I'm packing heat. Right. Or just wind. Wind is fine. Okay. But if Earth is. Yeah, if it's

Earth, then you just, you gotta it up, and you don't do it You can walk to the bathroom and fart in the air if you got to do it of course But someone did not abide by my rules And that was nasty. There was an egg fart That was one of them words like I may not have had control if it's that bad. Yeah, they didn't I don't know don't let them off the hook I'm still gonna take the farts over the cigarettes I think so too oh I think I'm taking the cigarettes what's a better story it's a funny story to the parts is the way better yeah oh man I was stuck in a bunch of farts for a while dude other people's fart other

people's for I can smell them. When I have an egg fart myself, you know what I mean? I'm like, whoa! That is insane. Let me see that again. But if I smell even a mildly bad fart from someone else, I want to vomit. It's so bad.

And it's like, I could, cigarettes, I don't want to be around it, but I'll I know what it is So when okay, you know wind and not earth. No. Yes. No I Jeremy use wind and then smoke many decades ago, right I'm curious. I Would imagine when you smoke you did not in any way shape or form mind the smell of smoke, right? Yeah for the most part. I part I mean you're a smoker so in these situations you don't notice it if you're always around a smoker I'm not advocating to take up smoking but you

could you could become a smoker and now I don't care you can't become a farter and then be like I'm cool with your farts man interesting interesting so like you have an avenue here to be totally okay outside of cancer that just by like This is blowing me away Like literally just take it just take up the habit. I'm just saying you cuz you're One day you're outside. You're not boarding event when you're smoking cigarettes. It's not like I forgot the principal It's just one day. Yes. Oh, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna become a smoker. Yeah for a day. Don't smoke kids. Did you ever smoke Mike? I did not grown up. Did you do no? Yeah, none of us. No

And we are alive Coincidence right. I did take up farting. All right. We'll take a break back with some life advice. Spitballers to the rescue. Well, we take a moment every once in a while to really dish out some important life advice to make an impact on your life. Things like taking up smoking. Do you know what to get rid of the smell? Wait a minute, wait a minute. If you smell smoke, just light up. This is the real name of the-

Yeah, that's pure irony, but yes. The first question in life advice is from a Patreon supporter named NotSmoke. Good for you. Hey fellas, marital dispute that needs settling, The next question in Life Advice is from a Patreon supporter named NotSmoke. Good for you. Yeah. Hey fellas, marital dispute that needs settling and I know you guys won't steer us wrong.

You're darn right. We're all still married. Simple question, should socks be washed inside out or not? I mean, simple answer. It's a real, genuinely simple answer. No, it don't matter. Oh, it was not a yes or no question. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Should they be washed inside out? Oh, no, or not, you're right. Yeah, so I read it wrong. Okay. I don't try to do one of them, but I imagine the best thing for the sock would be inside out, where the feetsies were.

Yeah, I don't think that it matters. I can't fathom that it makes any ounce of difference. Well, here's where it may make some sort of difference if there was anything inside the sock. Like if it was Phil's mayonnaise? Well, or like something that couldn't permeate. I don't even know what that would be. Like something between your toes. Something between my toes.

Is my foot on? I mean, you take a sock off and you put it in. Half the time when you put... I've never thought about this before. Half the time when you put clothes in one way, I feel like it comes out inside out anyways. It makes no difference. Do you fold your socks? Do you put them in one way, I feel like it comes out inside out anyways. It makes no difference. Do you fold your socks?

Do you put them in pairs? I do not, but I don't just clump them. I take my socks out and then I give them a nice little tug, stretch them out and lay them in a flat line and then I have a flat layer of socks. I just grab two socks at a time. See, I just throw them unpaired. They're all the same socks. Oh, you, what? I just throw them unpaired. They're all the same socks.

Oh, you, what? I just throw them into a drawer. Then I just grab two out of the drawer. What's the big deal with that? Wait, you're shaking your head over there? Type A? That's crazy. Animal Holloway?

Oh, that is. Lives with an unorganized sock? I keep the drawer closed. I don't have to look at it. Yeah, but no, I get what he's freaking out about now. I'm just that shocked. It's not that that is a weird thing to do. No.

It is that that is a weird thing for you to do. Yeah. I'm not OCD. No, that's not OCD. It's but you're but you want things. You're type A. You want it organized. I guess you leave more impatient than I am type A. Your desktop has. Oh, yeah. My desktop has over a million icons. All right. OK. now the sock torn checks out. My form of type A is can I delete it from my brain and not think about it. I think there could be something too, if it's inside out, maybe it's washed slightly better.

But then I add all the time of I have to flip. Right side them in, yes. And that is so obnoxious. Ifamentally, if this was something I was putting on a part of my body that I cared more about, being clean all the time, I would think about it. Underpants, do you go inside out with a little bit? I mean, my feet, I don't care if it's perfectly clean sock. You're saying if people wore face socks, you might care.

I mean, it's not a... I'm like, what part of your body do you care more about? If not underwear. Yeah, I mean, the hot zones, you got the pits, you got the underpants, then you got your feet. My feet just feel more like immune from, you know, they got thick skin. They're way down there.

You know, they're very like... Like, nobody's around my feet all the time. It's the outcast of your body. They're so far away. They're made their way down there. You know, they're very like, like nobody's around my feet all the time. It's the outcast of your body. They're so far away. They're made to get dirty. It's calloused up, I run on them. It's the farthest thing from your brain. You don't care about my feet.

Thank you. You got on board quickly. Genuinely, if you are taking the time to take your socks and turn them inside out. Congrats on your life, Suzy. To do absolutely nothing. To make it no different, other than now you have to right side them in so that you can fold them

or put them on or whatever, you are making a mistake. So I don't know which one of you is doing it wrong, but you don't need to turn your socks inside out. Getting them inside out, that's easy. Because you can do that. That's how you take it off your foot. Sure, yeah. But then they add a step.

You're still adding a step. Yeah, they're adding the step of having to correct them all after doing laundry. That part would suck. How do you take your socks off? Do you guys take, like, are your socks usual? Nice. Oh my goodness gracious.

That's a huge joke every day of the week. All right, that's fair. Do you guys do the pull from the back and it comes off inside out? Or do you do the like take it off the heel and then pull from the toes? I'm usually in higher socks. So I do the thumbs in the, I guess the top

and then slip it off the foot. So your socks come off not inside out? Correct. Mine as well. That's a big difference on the height of the sock. Cause if I, yeah, cause they're not gonna come off really easily just grabbing them if it's a tall sock. But I use, my ankle socks, I don't care how they come off.

It's ironic because I feel like if I had tall socks, they would always be inside out. Cause I would grab it at the top and do the like. But they're tighter. Yeah, but it's an investment in the future. Interesting. Because I don't want to. So you, Mr. Rogers, your sock removal.

You go sit nicely in a chair and you carefully take your socks off? Because you're not doing that standing up. No, it's. Two feet in. I would say two feet in your socks. No, I meant your thumb. He'd be, he'd do this thing with his hands.

The sock removal is almost always like, I'm your thumb. He did this thing with his hands. The sock removal is almost always like I'm going to bed. So I get in the bed and now I'm already seated. No midday sock removal. No, I don't. Interesting. Jason, barefoot midday? No, not usually. I mean, there's times where you play pickleball

and you go to take a midday shower or something. I will say that when I am sweaty, those are going to always end up inside out. That is, if the socks are sweaty, it's harder to get them off. Because you just don't want to, you want to touch the least amount of socks. Exactly. I'm going to grab the bag and just rip. Kelsey from Twitter, my not very handy husband has decided to try his hand at making us some new furniture to save money

But his quote rustic coffee table looks more like something. I would have made from popsicle sticks in kindergarten. Mm-hmm This is brandy. We even had a guest ask if we're going for a Deconstructed look well if you're going for rustic, then. I think he's ending up rustic on accident. Oh, okay. Now he is on Etsy searching for the next furniture project. How do I fix this or must I embrace this DIY disaster?

I do have an opinion on this, by the way. Which is when you choose to ask your spouse to contribute via creative project because you've looked up Pinterest and you see all these things that you love, you got to live with the result. That's my opinion. You either, if you're taking the time, you're paying the price. Well, it doesn't seem like she necessarily asked, because it said he's decided to try his hand

at making some new furniture. So he might be taking this on by himself. To save money. So new furniture was necessary. OK. And he's like, no, I got this. And then it was trash. And are you forced to keep the trash?

Probably. Yeah, you have to keep the trash the the dude has a hobby And then like a this is a good hobby of you're gonna make stuff with your hands Yeah But if you do he will get better if you were like a terrible terrible painter, but you liked to paint Do I have to hang up all of your pictures on my? No, you don't see I know in my house if I did is my wife would just walk in and be like that sucks Yeah, you would and I'd be like, okay, you would walk in and find that in the garbage. Yeah. Yeah. I

Here's the thing. He's on Pinterest looking for new DIY projects She'd be like you need to usurp that and find requests for new hobbies Like you need to find him a new hobby something that you know,'s gonna love this you know and it's not furniture making that's a devil you don't know can you say that's a good first try you can I don't think you I don't think you're gonna want to try that on or maybe you do maybe that's the way that you send the message doesn't mean that you have to lie. No. You don't have to lie about it. But I'm saying to shut down what this person's doing.

If they're looking for another one, clearly this guy enjoyed the process. He felt good about it. Yeah, he did feel good, didn't he? He wants to get better. So let him get better. How do I fix this? You just eventually say, hey.

That would look so good in our storage unit. You say, hey, you've gotten so much better, you should take another crack at this table. Like your new stuff, this looks great over here, but your new stuff looks so much better. That way you're not adding new furniture, you're just replacing one bad piece. That's right, that was actually good advice.

That was. Mike is the master of confrontation. Oh no, I am not. I mean, personally. Well, I'm talking about it on the microphone, but you put me in it and I'll be like, ehh. I love it. My piece of advice would be.

I'm so sorry. Invest in a pivot. Get them some golf clubs. Now, I. But that's what I'm saying. You want the husband doing four or five hour golf trips if it means I don't have bad furniture yeah so get out there get in the roof Papa Josh has made a lot of home improvements furniture you know tables he's things around the house carpent skills. Have you made something that you finished

and your wife rejected? Hold on, that you were proud of and then? No. Okay. I know when it's bad. Like you should know if it's bad. Have you ever made anything bad? Yes.

Oh, okay. So you never try to put the bad thing in the house? Oh no. You just preempt it and say, I know this is bad, I'm gonna throw this in the garbage. Yeah. Okay. So is that what you do with it Oh, no, you just preempt it and say I know this is bad. I'm gonna throw this in the garbage. Yeah, okay So that what you do with it or do you break it down and read use the stuff? I'll reuse the wood. Okay. Okay you have you had a project where you got all the way done

It had to just fully just scrap it and start over. I made the world's ugliest table one time. Did you? Terrible terrible. How long in the process did you realize it was ugly and did you finish? Out of just needing to finish? I finished it and then I went, what have I created? It's a monster. Oh, so you had the mercy on your family not to be like, honey, I finished it, let's put it in the house. Yeah, don't do that to your family.

Kara from Patreon, I've been using store-bought dressing for our company potlucks. Oh no. But telling everyone it's my special homemade recipe. Oh no. Yeah. Now several coworkers want the recipe. That's a family secret.

Should I attempt to reverse engineer the dressing from the bottles ingredient list or just fess up? I think Jason landed right on the perfect answer. Yeah, I'm with him. This is a family secret. This came with Nana on the boat. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the Mayflower.

I call this the Mayflower dressing. I'm just going more like an Ellis Island. It's very easy to be like, well, it's a family secret, but I'm going to give you a hint. There is some dill. And you just read the ingredients list. Let them figure it out. Maybe someone does reverse engineer it for you.

Hey, we've perfected this over years. You don't just get it for free. I can also tell you, you can't reverse engineer this. I have made homemade dressings. They're great. They are nothing at all like a store-bought dressing. I mean, the amount of manufac- You don't have the equipment to remake store-bought dressing.

You literally don't. I think you could. Oh, no. There's no chance- Chef Jason, you've not been able to crack this case? I know for a fact you cannot replicate in home a, I mean, if you do. What are you missing? You're missing literal heating equipment and stuff to,

you know, the dressings are really, really bad for you. Oh, they are so good. Oh, they're so good. If you're trying to make those, it's never going to be replicated to what they are used to having. Not that you can't make great dressings at home. Al said if you asked somebody for a recipe and they said, no, it's a secret, he'd be

like, oh, that person sucks. Yeah. Really? I would be impressed. I'd be like- Do you expect it? If you went somewhere and you're like, this is really good, can I get the recipe and they're like no, it's a secret if I said, okay If I said there's a secret that's rude if I said, oh, I'm sorry. It's a family secret. That's not rude. Oh

This is for the love of my mother You suck. Oh I'm sorry mom rest in peace. Oh Oh, mom sucks now mom's last wish. Who sucks now? Who sucks now? Was to keep the secret safe. Yeah. It's locked in the vault. Maybe if you marry into the family.

If you play that card, then I'll back off. No, I'll play that card. Carla from Twitter, my family loves to- Why don't you figure it out, man? My family loves to have long group text conversations, but I get overwhelmed by the notifications. I have tried silencing the alerts, but then I feel like I have to find time to read through everything at some point in the future

to make sure I haven't missed anything important, but there never is. How can I opt out of this without upsetting somebody? I just recently had, so for our family, when there's a birthday party for one of the kids, a lot of the times the invites go out in a big group text. And just recently my brother was like, he was so funny and over the top

because the group text was like, we're having a party, it's at my house, at this day, show up if you'd like to, please nobody reply to this thread no matter what yes if you want to come come if you don't don't don't reply please don't reply there were a few replies of course there's a few reply I'll be there the you can count on us it reminded me immediately there was I don't know if you guys heard this story that went around I think this was a couple years ago, about a Pennsylvania dad. It was one of those viral stories, because there was a quote.

This is what he sent to the family chat. It says, I can't keep up with the pressure of always having to LOL, or like, or heart everyone's random thoughts, picks, and amusements for all future texts. I love them, laugh at them, or like them, unless it's bad, then I dislike them in perpetuity. I can't live with this pressure, I'm out. Oh man.

So that's from, and that's dad. That is a man after Mike's heart. You can do it. You know, it. Just send that verbatim. Yeah, I wonder if someday we'll get to the point where AI can help with this. Like can I just get, I'll mute the notifications. Can you just have AI send me an email summary,

one paragraph of what happened that day? Yeah, the obligations, the expectations now, the social needs, they're too much. It's taking away from things that actually matter. You know, it's like the the Yeah No, no, no, I'm saying I legit just did this so biggest loser of From the fantasy footballers probably has a great friend of the show Brian Ketchran. We're a loser We're we're reals bros Brian Ketchran. Great friend of the show, Brian Ketchran.

What a loser. We're Reels bros. So we'll scroll Reels on Instagram. And we'll send funny stuff back and forth. And he'd do you have to put a thumbs up on him? Yeah, he got in this habit of he would react to everyone I'm sending. And so then I was like, I guess I

have to react to everyone you're sending. And then one day I was like, all here dude. We're we're resetting I don't need you to react to every single one like it does not good It does not matter to me if you react to one I know you particularly liked that one a lot and he broke piece like oh, thank God. He's like But this is become too much. Yeah, it was I guess putting his wife on blast He said cuz he has to react Oh to every reel that his wife sends or she feels like he wasn't paying attention Mike. I am so

Proud of you as a man and happy for our audience to hear this truth bomb. Yes Bring these things up. This is exactly what I was talking about. The obligation for reaction means that nothing means anything. Right. Stop loving everything and liking everything and responding to everything.

It's just a read receipt at that point. Yes. Turn your read receipts on. No. No, no, never. I will never have my read receipts on. Oh my gosh. When I send a text and then it gets marked as read, I will never have my read receipts on. Never. Oh my gosh.

When I send a text and then it gets marked as read, I go, you fool. You don't know what you're doing. The read receipt puts you in an obligatory spot where if you read it, you're like, crap, I wish I could unread it so I can react later. No, no, no, no, that thing is off. Because the second somebody gets hit with a read receipt, the timer begins on whether you care about them. Yes, it does.

This is the life advice section. Not smoke from Patreon, Kelsey from Twitter, Kara from Patreon, Carla from Twitter. The one takeaway is turn your read receipts off. That's the only important life advice that we can give today to everyone listening. Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way. Live free. Yeah, live your life. The Spitballers Draft.

The Spitballers Draft. The Spitballers Draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting most embarrassing things that can happen to you on a date. Jason you have the first pick. There's one that you just can't come back from. I have to poop my pants. You pooped your pants. You lose. I mean that's I there's nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants! You lose! I mean, there's nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants! I mean, it's like, it's over!

What do you do? You stink, you smelly, you say, Thank you for your time. I would like for you to leave now. Because I'm not walking away before you. You just do, you have to do backwards steps. Oh my gosh. Until they never see the evidence. I know it's incredibly childish, but like, it's the 101.

It's the 101. Yes. I just imagine someone saying like, I'm sorry, I pooped my pants, and then just sprinting. I don't think you sprint with poop in your pants. But just admitting it is a bold choice. I mean, that's one of those, like, if you're at a restaurant and, you know, let's say it's a first date,

and you're like, I pooped my pants. I think admitting it is the only possible way out. Oh, man. I don't know. I pooped my pants once, and I didn't admit it until on this show. But you weren't on a date. That's true. I mean you're not getting out no matter what,

but I think the only way out is to be like, this is going to sound really weird. Okay. Well that is the one on one I think. I had a lot of fiber today. Um, I, I'm going to go with spilling a drink on your date. I'm going to go with spilling a drink on your date. I'm gonna go with spilling a drink on your date. You have done something, I understand it was an accident, but you have done it to your date, and you have now put them in a position where they,

what are they supposed to do? If they're covered in a drink, they now have to be uncomfortable the rest of the night, and every minute they feel that their shirt is wet or their pants are wet or wherever you spilled the drink, that's because of you. Yeah, and you probably stained a nice outfit. And you don't want to... What if it's water?

And you're like... Well, sure, if it's water, that can just be a fun time, but I'm talking about soda and I'm talking... This ain't no Sprite. This is... Well, and you can't be like, oh, let me help you dry that yeah You know cuz then you're like starting to grow yeah, you know that's a bad don't do that look so that'll be Spilled I had that on my list Okay So I get two picks here for the first one. I'm gonna go with you forget their name. Yeah

for the first one, I'm gonna go with you forget their name. Yeah, because. Yep. I had on my list. How do you navigate? I had calling them the wrong name. I had calling them your ex's name. Yeah, yeah. But if you forget your ex's name.

I mean, one time you do that, you're like, there's no excuse for it. There's no way to unring that belt. Because I have to call them your ex's name, and that would be embarrassing, but that feels like something you can move past. But if you don't know their name, how are you finding it out? Right.

Yeah. Oh. Are you going to be like, uh. Let's compare driver's licenses. Sir, I think you would. The right thing to do is ideas for our drinks. Yeah. With Sally, who I of course know.

All right, you gotta go over to the waiter and you gotta say, hey, when you come back, would you ask for our names? Just say, hey, are you a regular here? What's your name? Yep. No, that would be terrible. Forgetting your date's name.

Oh man. That's a good one. And then we'll follow that one up with the end of the date's happening. A check shows up. That credit card got declined. Yeah, that is the 102 to me. Is it? Yeah.

So I originally had, forgetting your wallet, but then I realized, I mean, that sucks. Like, oh, you gotta pay for this. But that is nowhere, that is, that's just like whoopsie doozles. Getting your- I mean you could Venmo them right on the spot and be fine.

Yes, getting your card declined at the date and not, like they, your date's gonna pay for this because someone has to and you're declined. But the reason that they're paying isn't because I forgot, it's because it's like, I can't afford this date. Because I can't afford it. I feel like I'd try to call the I forgot, it's because it's like, I can't afford this date. I feel like I'd try to call the bank and speakerphone right there and be like,

um, you know, try to solve it right in front of them. So credit card decline, forgetting your date's name. Have you ever had a decline for anything? Oh yeah, yeah. It's normally one of those ones where it's like, I get the text too and it's like, they think it's fraud or something. But it's like, I mean never for lack of funds.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I've had that happen like while married with my wife and it's like, that's embarrassing enough with my wife there. It is the most embarrassing thing in the world. She knows how much money we have. Yeah, like if genuinely you can have money in the account, plenty of it. Like when sometimes your card gets flagged when you travel. Right.

You'll go out of state and you'll make an expense and the bank shuts it down because they think that's not where you live. And just like what you're saying, you could be with someone who knows for a fact you can afford this, you're good, you budgeted everything. You haven't been silly. When you get told, I'm sorry, your card was declined. Not like, oh, you need to run that again, it didn't been silly. When you get told I'm sorry your card was declined.

Not like oh you need to run that again it didn't go through. But if it said declined the level of embarrassment is... I can't handle it. And it's like totally just something that can get fixed but it's like I... As soon as you run you grab the change in the car. Everyone hates me. OK, good pick, Mike. I had spilling a drink on your date. I'm going to follow that up with the end of the date as well. You go in for the kiss, and you get the cheek turn.

Oh, good. You get the cheek turn. The kiss denied. You get a handshake. Yeah, the kiss denied. Pretty embarrassing. Probably not a second date on the way. No.

OK. OK, so. Jason, you've pooped your pants so far. Yeah, I have. Date over. I don't need anything else. All right, so let's see here. I'm going to say the most embarrassing part,

the most embarrassing thing to happen on a date. I'm gonna go with this one because it's happened to me recently, not on a date, but in a way that was so infuriating and unavoidable and long-lasting, uncontrollable hiccups. Oh. Mike, you know what I'm talking about.

I know what you're talking about. But you're talking the whole day long, you are hiccuping and you can't stop. You're annoying, you look like a loser. What? I didn't know hiccups were this severe. You know, it's one of those things where- People think you're opting into them?

If someone is hiccuping for an hour- Oh, boy. I mean, it's- I've done that. Yeah, I did that recently, and my kids were laughing like crazy because I couldn't stop. And it's like- Oh, as you wish.

You want- You want to, yeah, you just like to just be, I'm good, I had a great life. But if these hiccups don't stop It's over just please take me away from here. All right, this one would be I think even yeah your third pick worse I'm going to accidentally Send a text about them. Oh To them to my bud. Oh, no, I

Accidentally sent a text about them to them! Like the buddy's like, how's the date going? Yeah. And you... She's... Oh no! Oh, that's a bad one. She's not a looker. That one makes me feel very uncomfortable. Oh no! Yeah, I mean how bad would that... Even if it was a good text, even if it was like, oh my date's looking fine tonight or whatever, I would feel like, oh, shoot, I sent that to you. That one would be better, though.

Oh, way better. That would be a lot better. I mean, the other one is, don't worry, I just pooped my pants. Like, you can leave now. OK, that's good. I will go with a classic, but it's something that could happen, and your date might not tell you. Oh, yeah. And you find out afterwards, but it's something that could happen and your date might not tell you

and you find out afterwards, but it's food stuck in your teeth the whole time. Food stuck in your teeth the entire time. Not a good feeling. Pretty embarrassing. Yeah, pretty embarrassing. I thought you were going with something very, very similar but different.

It'll probably get drafted. Okay. All right, I'm going with an embarrassment that it won't be shared with the date, because they just didn't show up. Oh my gosh. And you sat at that table. Oh, how embarrassing.

And they're like, sir, sir, this is for two. You're like, yeah, they're showing up. They're running a little bit late. Oh, we can grab them a water. Because I'd be like, it's not between you and the date. It's between you and that waiter. Because eventually that waiter is going to figure out what's going on.

Oh, my goodness. That is such a good pick. I didn't even think about who that was. I know what I would go with. I'd be like, after a while, I'd just tell the waiter, she got no fatal car accident. For sure. It's your only out.

It's your only way out! You wait for the waiter to walk back up and ask you if you need anything. Like, hold on, I've gotta take this. In emergency! That's why you're not at the date? Oh, she's dead? That's why you're not at the date? Oh my gosh, okay, hold on.

I gotta order. Looks like I can order now sir. Oh my gosh getting stood up chef special still good Yeah, they won't be done at the scene for a while all right I got that one, and then I don't know the best way to make this concise But essentially you laugh at something that wasn't a joke. Oh, sure, inappropriate laughing. They're telling you a story and you thought it was,

you're like, oh, and they're like, why are you, why are you laughing? You're like, I didn't tell a joke. That's embarrassing in all situations, date or not date, but when you're on a date, obviously your goal is to impress. Yeah, best version of you. Which is why my fourth pick will not impress.

It's a bad trip and fall. Oh yeah. It's a bad, you step off the curb, you eat it. I mean no one- That's a good one. That's not on my list. No grown up should be tripping and falling ever. So from the impressing standpoint. And we are at the age of... Yeah. Like have you guys fallen down anytime recently? Because the only one I could think of is it's still years

ago but like chasing kids in a like my kids in the playground and you run and yeah my kids at the playground and you hit the sand. And I went down, and my knee went right into the ground, and this thing just blew up. And it was just bleeding everywhere. Oh, is it Jason Kidd joke? That's right. It just sounded like you said Jason Kidd.

Go on, go on. So the point being of not only is it incredibly embarrassing, it is very, very painful at this point to fall down. Yeah, we shouldn't be falling anymore. Yeah, but we're gonna fall more and more as we age. That's why me and Jay took the physical body. That's right. No, good point, good point.

Enjoy your hip. All right, Jason, you get a final pick. You just accidentally texted your date, but it was meant for a friend, and you have one more embarrassing thing that can happen. I've got quite a few left on my list here. I'm gonna take this one solely because I thought this is what you were gonna take

when you had something in your teeth. Okay. That's embarrassing because it's like, oh my gosh, how long? They didn't say anything. What did they think? But it's like, you were eating. It happens. It happens.

But you wanna know what's worse, and then you think like, what did they think? Yeah, cuz my zipper was down Oh, that's good too, but you don't know you don't know when you get home you never you you find out I mean, I don't think you I think people have bad breath for generations Yeah, and they find out and they don't find out so that's where I tell somebody but your zipper you get home or whatever and you're like, oh, yeah Oh, no. Oh, no, I had my zipper down the whole time Good that's a good pick my honorable mentions here. I had wet yourself which pales in comparison to poop yourself Yeah, cuz I could spill I can I can fix that situation

I think if you hit your date with the door, you were supposed to open the door for him, but you just let it slam on him. Throwing up, choking on your food, and then the combo bad body odor forgetting deodorant. Oh, forgetting deodorant. Which is like the bad breath, but it's also, you'd be aware of that one, and you'd be like,

if I'm on the way and I forgot deodorant. Can we stop by Walgreens? I didn't order onions. What's going on here? Yeah like if I'm on the way and I forgot my Walgreens I didn't I didn't order onions Yeah, if I if I forgot the odorant and I was on the way to the date that date would be stood up I would not show up Be embarrassed so I had loud fart, you know, but uh-huh. I already put my pants. Yeah Fart was before that. Yeah Rip your pants. Yeah

Getting out of the car malfunction wardrobe malfunction Right, right. That fart was before that. Yeah, to rip your pants. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting out of the car and wardrobe malfunction. I had your parents have to drive you. Oh! I mean. Oh, we should have said breathalyzer. Oh, that's a good one. Pick her up with a breathalyzer.

You have to breathe into the machine to start your car? Oh, man. As your first impression? And then I had getting turned away for being underdressed. You show up to the restaurant and it's like, sir. No flip-flops. Yeah. Good ones I had left.

Asking the same question multiple times. It's like, oh, I'm not listening to anything you're saying. And I knocked the food out of the waiter's hand, which is too similar to the spill Yeah, I I had a I Mean this is just barely related. I was at a restaurant last night. I'm sitting by myself I'm waiting for my son his practice to get over and I was finishing with a cup of coffee This is I'm a normal person. I should be able to drink a cup of coffee

This is, I'm a normal person. I should be able to drink a cup of coffee. I'm alone in a booth, there's lots of people in the restaurant, and I just, the end of the cup of coffee, I just drop the cup of coffee onto the little plate so it's super loud, the coffee splashes. I now have coffee crotch in the restaurant, and I'm just like, I couldn't have felt more, I didn't even have a date there, and I was like,

mmm, I don't know how I couldn't have felt more. I didn't even have a date there, and I was like hmm I don't know how to live life Alright What did we learn today? I could speak for all of us if you want yeah turn on those Turn off those turn off Indeed the most important piece of advice live free you've heard today also throw your phone in the trash disconnect live in the woods check your breath yeah goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers pod calm