Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Secret Family Recipes & Embarrassing Things That Can Happen on a Date - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

Spit Hit for Jan 8th, 2026:It’s a brand new episode of the funniest podcast around. On this episode we get dumb with some Would You Rather, help the world with some Life Advice before wrapping things up with a Most Embarrasing Things That Can Happen on a Date Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yes. Oh, okay. Okay. Got him!

You got me. Got him back, baby! I was not a part of this plan. Yeah. And I was like, what is this sound that Jason is somehow able to make? I have never heard a human anything like this. That might have been my best scat. And it was because it wasn't solely my voice.

Now, that was me. Apparently, you're... What? You're putting an Alvin filter on me or something? Is this what happened? Yes, sir. Oh, gotcha. Okay.

Oh, I see. I see what you do. We, on the drive-in, I was like, you know, this man stole two scats from the- So let's steal another one? From the history of the show. No, that's payback. Yeah, I get it. A little punishment.

He muted me mid-scat, or before I scat it, I got to get him back. Is that a get-back? It's a get-back. I think it was an improvement. The guy who hates doing the scat, you basically made it. I bailed him out. You didn't have to do anything. I did feel very bailed out.

That was awesome. Yeah. Get me again. I don't know if you know what revenge is. Well, I, look, I didn't want to tell. Here's $200 in your face. Got you so good. Look, it's about the show.

It's about the spitwads. We want entertainment. All right. Welcome to episode 322. We've got, would you rather, life advice. And we're drafting. the most embarrassing things that can happen on a date. Revenge is a dish best served, warm and nice.

And I heated that up for you. He's like, can I do the Alvin voice every scat? Yeah, that would be awesome. Yeah, it'll be a good show today. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for sending in your ideas for would you rather in life advice. And that's a great question.

And your draft ideas are always welcome. Al Borland appreciates those very much. at Spitballerspot on X You can send those in Let's get it going Would you rather Jason Mike JD from Patreon writes in

Would you rather get telekinesis for two minutes Every day Which is what reading minds right No controlling Moving stuff with your mind Oh I'm glad I asked That's telekinesis Kyle That would let me

That would let me With mind bullets move things yeah yes you're thinking of telepathy yes uh two minutes every day we could move stuff with our minds or be given one time access to a magical pet store where whatever pet you pick out and bring home will never die so these things are very related they're not yeah i'm going to say i mean these are real jd's got an imagination would you rather have spaghetti or go to Hawaii What?

For the sake of the conversation and the question, how powerful is my telekinesis? Oh, it's an important question. Complete. Complete? Like, I can lift a building up out of the ground from the foundations. I can grab the moon.

It matters. I was going to say 250 pounds. I don't know what they're. 250 pounds. Oh, okay. 250 pounds. I can't lift a car. No. I can't left Al

Oh, oh, yes! Oh, no! Yes! Boom, Shaka! Oh, get wrecked. Oh, man. Oh, see, that's revenge, dude. Yeah, there you go. That's cold. That's cold-blooded. You do something to make someone else feel really bad. Yeah. Owl. Al, how did that feel? Accurate. Oh, no, that's why. Oh, man.

Andy is a turtle. The best part of this is I really think Andy feels very bad right now. He's so upset that he did it, but can I tell you something, Andy? This is a good joke. That's a good joke. Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. Oh, you're muted.

Oh, he muted me. Oh, you should shoot me. That's what he should do. Oh, goodness. Oh, those were Jason jokes a while back. Yeah. I mean, you're really ruining a lot of our. material here with your

thin. I could still be the fat guy. No, you can't. I mean, me and Jason talked yesterday. We were within a pound of each other. Okay. All right. To be clear, can I use telekinesis on either of you? Barely.

Okay. Okay. Good. All right. It's hot in here, man. Okay, 250 pound limit, two minutes a day. What? No. I get a dog. that never dies? See, I was going to ask you, the eternal, the eternal pet, is that that

cool? Yes. I don't know if it is that cool because I don't want, I don't want my dogs to die. No. But I wait until then to get another pet, you know what I mean? Like, I've had over my life. You think like I've had a new pet is cool? I've had Barclay. I've had Rocky. I've had these different dogs. They're all dead. They are, well, not Rocky, but the rest are dead. And that sucks. That was a tragic, awful time. But there is something nice about those different periods of the new pet as well. Interesting. Is that how you

think about your wife, too? I mean, you know, we're... I need a new period. A new moment in my life. Change can be good. Not with your dog. No way. My dog lives forever. Look, an eternal dog would be very cool, but

let's not. Two minutes a day of telekinesis. Is this mean that I, to be clear, is it a two minute window or do I get two total minutes of movement so like I could use five seconds here to move something I'm giving you the timer that is as you use it it windles down what are the practical uses of this that's why I'm saying I could get like a soda out of the fridge and bring it to me that's right without getting up without getting up but that's probably that's probably 10 seconds you use if I get out of the pool I could bring the towel to me real quick actually the shower when you forget the towel that's legit that's fully so this is good for the few times you forget the that is good or the toilet paper or when you lose your what do you mean oh if you're out of toilet paper you sat down and you're like oh shoot I didn't grab a new roll I thought you were sitting right next to the toilet paper you put your hand out and you just bring it over like a foot how are you going to get it like if you can't see it you have to be able to visually see this

if it's close enough yeah I can get now if the door shut oh shoot I can open the door yeah I can move that hand we roll over the time like can I store up or is Two minutes maximum? Two minutes maximum. Because you were like trying to stay over for one full day of telekinesis. I'm trying to figure out a wait. Let's say you had one full day of telekinesis. Why is that any better?

What are you doing with it? Well, if I can, if I stay under 250 weight-wise, I can I lift myself? And do I have to walk anymore? That's a gray area. Is it? Because it's my own self that's using the. Yeah, physics still matter here. I think that the only advantageous thing I can.

can see like if I were to like I could be the best basketball player of all time I'm swishing every shot because as soon as you notice you're going to miss which is often you just correct yeah but never because I correct but it would be like you can get the ball exactly where it needs to be so it would only take you maybe a second yeah exactly of your of your time people probably wouldn't notice that you're using telekinesis on your shots no because but you're going to get them closing up and they'll be like why did it kind of turn a little bit there. Right.

He always somehow... Golf? You'd be real good at golf. Real good. Yeah. Like the best. Well, I don't even know. You haven't seen my slice, brother.

Not enough telekines. Full two minutes to get it all the way from where you're hitting it. That's whole one. I will take the dog. Yeah, we're going to take the dog. Yeah. Yeah. I know from the website.

I'm still sweaty. Would you rather have your brain continue to age normally, but your body doesn't age or your body continues to age normally but your brain doesn't age. This is philosophical. Either way, your lifespan is the same. I don't want to lose my brain. I really don't. I already feel like I am.

And I, you know, I don't need to be able to go out and run a marathon. But if I can communicate with the people I care about, I think that's the way I'd go. I see what you're saying. obviously if you lose your brain your body is irrelevant but this is you know having your brain continue to age normally and I think that the brain ages better than the body I yes you know I think that if I had a you know a 70 year old brain with a 30 year old body that would be far superior like a I think 70 year old is not you know we're not saying you don't gain wisdom though right correct you're just

I just saw, like, impact on memory, mental acuity, right, your cognitive functioning. My, my father is 74, and he's, I don't feel like his mind is anywhere, you know. Well, you could get lucky, but I know, I mean, my, my dad is 71, he's, his body's, and he can't remember anything. His body's in really good shape for 71. For 70, but it's not, not a, it's not a 20-something year old body. No, I'm just saying, like, which gamble is the, is the worst gamble? because I know a lot of people that when they get older, their brains, their minds,

it just naturally goes a bad direction. But if I compare, like if you got a room full of... You're saying bodies versus brains. Yes. If you got a room full of 30-year-olds and a room full of 70-year-olds, the room is full of just those two people. They're all 30 and they're all 70.

And you say, okay, what's 8 times 6? You know, you ask a bunch of intelligent questions. I don't think the gap between... Like 8 times 6. You know, real brain busters. I'm just saying if you ask, Cottage cheese, you know. No, I don't agree with you.

Because look at your brain, right? Technology. You love technology. It changes all the time. You hit an age with your brain. It's over. You're not learning the new stuff. You're not.

I mean, honestly, if you want to bring technology, I was going to leave that off, but technology is going to make our brains very irrelevant. AI is going to do all my thinking for me. He already is. So give me that body. Okay, now you tell that room and you say, okay, guys, I'd like 10 pushups, please. And you got 30, you got the 30 year olds going out and going, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

And then you got the 70 year olds going, I broke my hip. I just tried to get to the ground. I broke my half. But that implies that implies 10 pushups is more valuable than the brain stuff. I'm not saying that the body is more valuable than the brain. I'm saying that the gap is so much bigger between body and brain. Your body wears down faster than your brain. I want the brain. I want the brain.

I don't want the risk of not having my brain there. I agree that the... Nobody with a brain. Okay. I still like my life. Sure. No brain with the body. I do not.

The risk because it's like, I mean, you know, Alzheimer's and that stuff is like, that's, that is something that I don't wish upon anybody. so you prevent in this scenario you're preventing from that risk but i think that i'm i'm with jason i'm going to take the i'm going to take the uh the physical body madison from x would you rather snap your fingers and have your appearance transformed to something that closely aligns with society standards for aesthetics and beauty glad madison is uh lots of words there um or say you look good yeah Or snap your fingers and you have society's standards for aesthetic's beauty transform to something that closely aligns with your current appearance. So do you want to be hot or do you want everyone as ugly as Jason? Right.

I don't think that's the summary. I think the summary would be that everybody doesn't change. It's their opinion. Their opinion becomes that what you look like. Oh, standards. Yes. The opinion of like everyone, like you snap your fingers and Jason is the. the ideal man.

Right. And so he is already fitting that. Yeah, I already am. This is a really impossible question because in our brains, we know what we think those standards are. This is like the episode of the Twilight Zone where they take the bandages off the gal's face and she's just, she's like a Hollywood actress. And everyone's like, oh, you're hideous. Yeah. And then the big twist is everyone looks like a pig face.

Right. I have not seen that episode Sounds wild In the kind of analogy there You'd be the pig face Yeah I don't want to be the pig face But it's a good look

But your face is like a pig And people like it Oh people like the pig face Yes You live in a world of pig faces I mean if people like pig faces I want to be a pig face Right

Like if you snap your fingers That's a good That's a good point Yeah if you snap your fingers You could look like Brad Pitt Or you can snap your fingers and Brad Pitt now wants to look like you. Well, that's easy.

I want to look like Brad Pitt. But that's because you think that Brad Pitt looks like the best-looking man. It's because Brad Pitt is healthier than me. It's because if I can- No, no, no, no. You don't change. It's people's opinion of you change. No, no, no. One of them is I changed to look like Brad Pitt, right?

Correct. So that one, I... That's a different question. That's because you respect the way Brad Pitt looks. No, I'm just saying objectively like... Even outside. abdominal fat is bad this is just aesthetics this is not health or long-term life this is a life expectancy this question's a mind job because the answer is truly

I want to snap my fingers and look like something I think is good looking so I feel like if I snap my fingers nothing changes uh right no no no yeah right but um no I see what you're saying it so the the the answer you with my mind the answer really should be that you want to snap your fingers and look like who you think is attractive. That is the answer for everybody. That's the real answer. That's the real answer. Because alternatively,

it's all from your own vantage point and your own opinions. And so if you snap your fingers, it's nice that everyone else would think that you are the ideal attraction, but you wouldn't. But if you don't think it you won't feel good. Oh yeah, it will

change over time. Like if everybody thinks you're attractive, you will start having self-commoner. confidence and all of those things. But one happens immediately. I don't have to work out. But one happens immediately. If I snap my fingers and I do look like, you know, the ideal version, I'll feel great immediately. And everyone thinks I look good.

So. Right. I pick that one. Yeah, for sure. Okay. We got time for one more? Yeah, let's do one more. Ethan from Patreon, you are at an outside sporting event.

Would you rather have the person next to you change? smoking cigarettes doesn't sound great or continuously ripping extremely ripe lingering farts oh man extremely ripe so I question yeah can farts cause lung cancer ooh that is one for AI I'm on it I bet like if you're exposed to them at that that I mean like let me for a day no you're gonna be fine yeah but thought experiment here cigarettes replace what's going into your body with fart I I think it's, there's... Would you get cancer from that?

There's chemicals that we send out that are really bad. Yeah, no, no, we're good here. We're good? Farts cannot cause lung cancer. It's made up of gases like nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide. There's a little methane, small amounts of sulfur. You don't want to smoke sulfur. Right, but they're small amounts.

I know, I know... But these aren't small amounts. These are continuous, extremely right, lingering. What is? These are heavy. They sit in the... the air like a cloud. If you sit in a cloud of farts, do

you, when you leave there, because if I'm next to the cigarette smoker, I leave, I'm going to smell like cigarettes all day. Yeah. My clothes. You will smell like farts. You will. That's the question. If you're sitting in, if you're sitting in, the farts are permanent? They will permeate.

Yeah, it's getting in that shirt. Your shirt. How long, though? Like, eight hours goes by, I'm going to smell like cigarettes. You're telling me, I take my shirt off at the end of the day and I smell it. It smells like the fart. It smells like the farts of the morning? I think so. All right. I got an update. I think so. Uh-oh. What if it was extreme amounts and a constant cloud of farts that never leave? Okay. And now this is a game changer, but says not lung cancer still. Oxygen deprivation is the big.

Immediate death. Yeah, you might die from farts like now. He choked on a fart. Now, so I've got, I've got personal experience with both of these recently. He does both at the same time. I, so... Really? Yes. I'm more... I hope this is an airplane or something.

This was an airplane, so we just... I'm more surprised about the... The cigarettes? Just like, where... I know. Where are you around that? Where am I around cigarettes? Every day here, after I eat lunch, I take two laps.

I take two laps around the building. Your fart laps? I am outside in the open air. And there is a person who is every day. taking a smoke break the same person every day no matter what right that person just sits down and smokes behind one of the buildings i i can't i really like i'm not around it a lot i don't i can't believe i'm outside and i walk 15 feet away from this person yeah all the way away wrong and i'm like i have to hold my breath because i'm like straight smoking a cigarette so you're kind of going

just to be clear you're kind of going on a smoke break every day at lunch yeah for health you know trying to make sure try to make sure i stay healthy get my legs moving and suck in that tobacco um i didn't realize you were happening to it you should bring a mask that you put on 30 feet away oh yeah just put it on wait till they look at me walk through or take the mask off store up your farts oh fight fire with fire yeah nice i like that i thankfully always have my farts stored up and i'm ready at any moment it's frightening But also, we just flew to Chicago, and I thought I was going to make that whole plane flight. You did make a statement yet.

But right at the end, man. Someone. Oh, you didn't let me. I do not fart on planes. Now, I will say this. I am a man of principle. I am a man of principle that you don't, you don't make a hundred other people recirculate your insides. Like, don't do it, people.

I will say this. If I'm on a plane, I will sometimes, if I really need, I'll give a little test. Yeah. I'll give a little time, right? To see if you're packing smell. To see if I'm packing heat or just wind. Wind is fine, okay? But if Earth is it?

Yeah, if it's Earth, then you just, you got to suck it up and you don't do it. You can walk to the bathroom and fart in air if you got to do it. Of course. But someone did not abide by my rules. And that was nasty. That was an egg fart. You know what I mean? That was one of them where it's like, I may not have had.

control if it's that bad yeah they didn't I don't know don't let them off the hook I'm still gonna take the farts over the cigarettes I think so too I think I'm taking the cigarettes what's a better story it's a funny story the farce is the way better story

oh man I was stuck in a bunch of farts for a while dude other people's farts other people's fart I can smell then when I have an egg fart myself you know what I mean like whoa that is insane Let me see that again But if I smell even a mildly bad fart from someone else

It's so weird how to vomit It's so bad that works And it's like I could cigarettes I don't want to be around it But I'll I know what it is So wind and not earth No yes no I Jeremy you used

You used to smoke many decades ago right I'm curious I would imagine when you smoke You did not in any way shape or form mind the smell of smoke, right? Yeah, for the most part. I mean, you're a smoker. So in these situations, you don't notice it.

If you're always around a smoker, I'm not advocating to take up smoking, but you could. You could become a smoker, and now I don't care. You can't become a farder and then be like, I'm cool with your farts, man. Interesting. So, like, you have an avenue here to be totally okay, outside of cancer, that just by, like, smoking. This is blowing me away. literally just take it just take up the habit

I'm just saying you it's a one day you're outside at a sporting event when you're smoking cigarettes it's not like I forgot the principal it's just one day yes oh I'm not gonna I'm not gonna become a smoker for a day don't smoke kids

Did you ever smoke Mike? I did not grown up did you Jay no No yeah none of us no And we are alive Coincidence right I did take up farting, though. All right, we'll take a break back with some life advice.

Well, we take a moment every once in a while to really dish out some important life advice to make an impact on your life. things like taking up smoking, you know. Do you know what to get rid of the smell? Wait a minute. If you smell smoke, just light up. This is the real name. Yeah, that's pure irony, but yes.

The first question in life advice is from a Patreon supporter named Not Smoke. Good for you. Hey, fellas, marital dispute that needs settling. And I know you guys won't steer us wrong. You're darn right. We're all still married. Simple question. Should socks be washed inside out or not?

I mean, it's simple answer. It's a real, genuinely simple answer. No, it don't matter. Oh, it was not a yes or no question. Yeah. Should they be washed inside out? Oh, no, or not. You're right.

Yeah, so I read it wrong. Okay. I don't try to do one of them, but I imagine the best thing for the socks. would be inside out where the featsies were yeah i don't think that it matters fathom that it makes any ounce of difference here's here's where it may make some sort of difference if there was anything inside the sock like if it was phil's mayonnaise well or like something that couldn't permeate i don't even know what that would be between your toes something between my toes

is my foot on in the water i mean you take a sock off off you take the sock off and you put it in half the time when you put i've never thought about this before half the time when you put clothes in one way i feel like it comes out inside out anyways it makes no difference do you put them in pairs i not i do i do not but i i don't just clump them i take my socks out and then i like give them a nice little tug stretch them out and lay them in a flat line and then i have a flat layer of socks i just grab two socks at a time it's great i see i just throw them unpaired. They're all the same socks. Oh, you

what? I just throw them into a drawer. Then I just grab two out of the drawer. What's the big deal with that? Wait, you're shaking your head over there? Type A? That's crazy. Oh, that is. Lives with an unorganized socks. I keep the drawer closed. I don't have to look at it. Yeah, but no, I get what I get what he's freaking out about now. It's not that that is a weird thing to do.

No. It is that that is a weird thing for you to do. Yeah. I'm not OCD. No, that's not OCD. It's but you're, but you want things you're type a you want it organized i guess you're more impatient than i am type a your desktop has oh yeah my desktop has over a million icons all right okay no the check sock door checks out my my form of type a is can i efficiency yeah it's can i delete it from my brain and not think about it i think there could be something to if it's inside out maybe it's washed slightly better but then i add all the time of i have to

Right side the man. Yes. And that is so obnoxious. If this was something I was putting on a part of my body that I cared more about being clean all the time. So I would think about it. But you know, not even underpants. I mean, my feet, I don't care if it's perfectly clean sock. You're saying if people wore face socks, you might care.

I mean, it's not a, I'm like, what part of your body do you care more about if not underwear? Yeah, I mean, the hot zones, you got, you got the pits, you got the underpants, then you got your feet. My feet just feel more like immune from, you know, they got thick skin. They're way down there. They're, you know, they're very like, like, nobody's like around my feet all the time. It's the outcast of your body. They're made, they're made to get dirty. They're calloused up.

I run on them. It's the farthest thing from your brain. You don't care about my feet. Thank you. You got on board quickly. Genuinely, if you are taking the time to take your socks and. Turn them inside out. To do absolutely nothing to make it no different other than now you have to right side them in so that you can fold them or put them on or whatever.

You are making a mistake. So I don't know which I don't know which one of you is doing it wrong, but you don't need to, you don't need to turn your socks inside out. Getting them inside out, that's easy because you can do that. That's how you take it off your foot. Sure, yeah. But then they add. You're still adding a step. Yeah, adding the step of having to correct them all after doing laundry.

Yeah, that part would suck. How do you take your socks off? Do you guys take, like, are your socks usual? Nice. Oh, my goodness. That's a huge joke every day of the week. All right, that's fair. Do you guys do the pull from the back and it comes off inside out?

Or do you do the, like, take it off the heel and then pull from the toes? I'm usually in higher socks. so I do the thumbs in the, you know, I guess the top and then slip it up. Really? So your socks come off, not inside out. Correct. Mine as well. That's a big difference on the height of the sock.

Because if I, yeah, because they're not going to come off really easily just grabbing them if it's a tall sock. But I use my ankle socks. I don't care how they come off. It's ironic because I feel like if I had tall socks, they would always be inside out because I would grab it at the top and do the light. But they're tighter. Yeah, but it's an investment in the future. Interesting. Because I don't want to.

So you Mr. Rogers, your sock removal. You go sit nicely in a chair and you carefully take your socks off because you're not doing that standing up. Two feet in? I would say two fingers in your socks. No, I admit your thumb. He did this thing with his hands. The sock removal is almost always like I'm going to bed.

So I get in the bed and now I'm already seated. No midday soccer move. No, I don't. Interesting. Jason. Barefoot midday? No, no. usually i mean there's there's times where you know you you play pickleball and you go to take a

midday shower or something i will say that when i am sweaty those are going to always end up inside out did that is it would if they're if the if the if the socks are sweaty it's harder to get them off because you just don't want to you want to touch the least amount of socks exactly i'm going to grab it back and just rip kelsey from twitter my not very handy husband has decided to try his hand at making us some new furniture to save money but his quote rustic coffee table looks more like something I would have made from popsicle sticks in kindergarten.

Is this brandy? We even had a guest ask if we're going for a deconstructed look. If you're going for rustic, then I think he's ending up rustic on accident. Now he

is on Etsy searching for the next furniture project. How do I fix this or must I embrace this DIY disaster? I do have an opinion on this, by the way, which is when you choose to ask your spouse to contribute via creative project because you've looked up Pinterest and you see all these things that you love, you got to live with the result. That's my opinion.

You either, if you're taking the time, you're paying the price. Well, it doesn't seem like she necessarily asked because it said, you know, he's decided to try his hand at making some new furniture so he might be taking this on by itself to save money so new furniture was necessary okay and he's like no i got i got this and then it was trash and are you forced to keep the trash probably yeah you you have to keep the trash the the dude has a hobby and like a this is a good hobby of you're gonna make stuff with your hands yeah but if you he will get better if you were like a terrible terrible painter but you liked to paint do i have to hang up all of your pictures on my wall at all. No, you don't. See, I know in my house,

if I did this, my wife would just walk in and be like, that sucks. Yeah, you would, and I'd be like, okay. You would walk in and find that in the garbage. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the thing. He's on Pinterest looking for new DIY projects. You need to usurp that and find requests for new hobbies. Like, you need to find him a new hobby. Something that you know, he's going to love this. You know, and It's not furniture making. That's a devil you don't know. Can you say, that's a good first try? You can.

I don't think you're going to want to try that on. Or maybe you do. Maybe that's the way that you send a message. Doesn't mean that you have to like lie. No. Well, you don't have to lie about it. But I'm saying to shut down what this person is doing. If they're looking for another one, like clearly this guy enjoyed the process,

He felt good about it. He wants to get better. So let him get better. How do I fix this? You just, you eventually say, hey, that would look so good in our storage unit. You say, hey, you've gotten so much better. You should take another crack at this table. Like, your new stuff, this looks great over here, but your new stuff looks so much better.

That you're not adding new furniture. You're just replacing one bad piece. That was actually good advice. That was. Mike is the master of confrontation. Oh, no, I am not. I mean, personally, well, well, I'm talking about it on the microphone, but you put me in it. And I'll be like, uh, I love it.

My, my piece of advice would be, I'm so sorry, invest in a pivot. You know, get them some golf clubs. Now, I, that, that's what I'm saying. You want, you want the husband doing four or five hour golf trips? If it means I don't have bad furniture, yeah. So, yeah. So, Papa Josh has made a lot of home and perils. improvements, furniture, you know, tables, things around the house.

He's working on his carpentry skills. Have you made something that you finished and your wife rejected? Hold on that you were proud of. And then, no. Okay. I know when it's bad. Like, you should know if it's bad. Have you ever made anything bad?

Yes. Oh, okay. So you never try to put the bad thing in the house. Oh, no. You just preempt it and say, I know this is bad. I'm going to throw this in the garbage. Yeah. Okay.

So is that what you do with it? Or do you break it down and reuse the stuff? I'll reuse the wood. Okay. Have you had a project where you got all the way done and had to just fully just scrap it and start over? I made the world's ugliest table one time. Did you?

Oh, it was terrible. Terrible. How long in the process did you realize it was ugly and did you finish out of just needing to fin it? I finished it and then I went, what have I created? It's a monster. Oh, so you had the, you had the mercy on your family not to be. be like, honey, I finished it. Let's put it in the house. Yeah, don't do that to your family.

Kara from Patreon, I've been using store-bought dressing for our company potlucks. Oh, no. But telling everyone, it's my special homemade recipe. Oh, no. Yeah. Now several coworkers want the recipe. It's a family secret. Should I attempt to reverse engineer the dressing from the bottle's ingredient list or just fess up? I, I think Jason landed. right on the perfect answer. Yeah, I'm with him. This is a family secret. This came this came with Nana on the boat. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

The Mayflower. I call this the Mayflower dressing. I'm going more like an Ellis Island. It's very easy to be like, well, it's a family secret, but I'm going to give you a hint. There is some dill. And you know, you just read the ingredients list.

Let them figure it out. Maybe someone does reverse engineer it for you. Hey. We've perfected this over years. You don't just get it for free. I can also tell you, you can't reverse engineer this, okay? I have made homemade dressings. They're great.

They are nothing at all like a store-bought dressing. I mean, the amount of manufacture, you don't have the equipment to remake store-bought dressing. You literally don't. Oh, no. There's no chance. Chef Jason has, you've not been able to crack this case? I know for a fact you cannot replicate in home a I mean what are you missing you're you're missing um literal like heating equipment and stuff to they you know the the dressings are really really bad

for you um they are if you're so good oh they're so good if you're trying to make those uh it's never going to be now replicated to what they are used to having not that you can't make great dressings at home. Al said if you asked somebody for a recipe and they said, no, it's a secret, he'd be like, oh, that person sucks. Yeah. Really? I would be impressed. Do you expect it? If you went somewhere and you're like, this is really good.

Can I get the recipe? And they're like, no, it's a secret. If I said, okay, if I said, there's a secret, that's rude. If I said, oh, I'm sorry, it's a family secret. That's not rude anymore. I disagree. Is it for the love of my mother? You suck.

Oh, I'm sorry, mom. Rest in peace. oh oh who sucks now mom's last wish who sucks now is to keep the secrets safe yeah it's locked in the vaults all right to the family if you play that card then i'll back off no i'll play that card carla from twitter my family loves why don't you figure it out man my family loves to have long group text conversations but i get overwhelmed by the notifications yeah i have tried silencing the alerts but then i feel like i have to find time to read through everything at some point in the future yeah

to make sure I haven't missed anything important, but there never is. How can I opt out of this without upsetting somebody? I just recently had like, so for our family, when there's like a birthday party for one of the kids, a lot of the times the invites go out in a big group text. And just recently,

my brother was like, he was so funny and over the top because the group text was like, we're having a party. It's at my house. At this day, show up. if you'd like to please nobody reply to this thread no matter what yes if you want to come come if you don't don't don't reply please don't reply there were a few replies of course

there's a few replies i'll be there the uh you can count on us it reminded me immediately there was i don't know if you guys heard this story that went around i think it was a couple years ago about a pennsylvania dad like it was one of those viral stories because he said there was was quote, or that he, this is what he sent to the family chat, says, I can't keep up with the pressure of always having to L.O.L or like or heart everyone's random thoughts, picks and amusements for all future texts. I love them, laugh at them, or like them, unless it's bad, then I dislike them in perpetuity. I can't live with this pressure. I'm out. Oh, man. That's, that's from, and that's dad. That is a man after Mike's heart. You can do it.

you know it just send that verbatim yeah i wonder if someday we'll get to the point where i can help with this like can i just get i'll mute the notifications can you just have a i send me an email summary one paragraph of what happened that day and the obligations the expectations now the social needs they're too much yeah it's taking away from things that actually matter you know the it's like the the yeah no no no no I'm saying like I I legit just did this so biggest loser of from the fantasy footballers Brian Katrin great friend of the show Brian catcher we're what a loser we're we're we're reels bros so like we'll scroll reels on Instagram and we'll send funny stuff back and forth and like he do you have to put a thumbs

up on him yeah it's like he got in this habit of he would react to everyone I'm sending. And so then I was like, I guess I have to react to everyone you're sending. And then I just, then one day I was like, all right, look here, dude, we're resetting. I don't need you to react to every single one. It does not, it does not matter to me. If you react to one, I know you particularly liked that one a lot. And he broke, he's like, oh, thank God. He's like, but this has become too much. Yeah, it was, I guess, I putting his wife on blast, he said, because he has to react to every reel that his wife sends or she feels like he wasn't paying attention to it. Mike, I am so proud of you as a man

and happy for our audience to hear this truth bomb. Yes. Bring these things up. This is what I was, this is exactly what I was talking about. The obligation for reaction means that nothing means anything right stop loving everything and liking everything it's just a read receipt at that point yes turn your read receipts on no no no never never never oh my gosh when I said a text and then it gets marked as red I go you fool you don't know what you're doing the read receipt puts you in an obligatory spot where if you read it you're like crap I wish I could unread it so I can react no no no that thing is off because the second somebody gets hit with a read receipt the timer begins

begins on whether you care you care about them. Yes, it does. This is the life advice section. Not Smoke from Patreon, Kelsey from Twitter, Kara from Patreon, Carla from Twitter. The one takeaway is turn your read receipts off. That's the only important life

advice that we can give today to everyone listening. Turn your read receipts off. Live the right way. Live free. Live your life. the spitballers draft all right we are drafting most embarrassing things that can happen to you on a date jason you have the first pick you're already laughing i mean there's a one-on-one there's one that you just can't come back let's get it out of the way ever to poop my pants you poop your pants you can't

You lose. I mean, there's nothing worse than that. You just pooped your pants. I mean, it's like, it's over. What do you do? You stink, you're smelly. You say, thank you for your time. Thank you for your time.

I would like for you to leave now. Because I'm not walking away before you. You just do have to, you have to do backwards steps. Oh, my gosh. I mean, they never see the evidence. I know it's incredibly childish, but like, it's the 101. It's the 101. I just imagine someone saying like, I'm sorry I pooped my pants and then just sprinting.

I don't think you sprinting with poop in your pants. But just admitting it is a bold choice. I mean, that's one of those like if you're at a restaurant and, you know, let's say this is a first date and you're like, I pooped my pants. I think admitting it is it's the only possible way out. Oh, man. I don't know. I pooped my pants once. and I didn't admit it until on this show.

But you weren't on a date. That's true. I mean, you're not getting out no matter what, but I think the only way out is it's going to sound really weird. Okay. Well, that is the 101, I think. Poop-y-poo-y-pins. I had a lot of fiber today.

I'm going to go with spilling a drink on your date. I'm going to go with spilling a drink on your date. Yeah. You have done something. I understand it was an accident, but you have done it. to your date and you have now put them in a position where they what are they supposed to do if they're covered in a drink yeah they're they now have to be uncomfortable the rest of the night and every minute they feel that their shirt is wet or their pants are wet or wherever you

spilled the drink that's because of you yeah and you probably stained a nice outfit and you don't want if it's water it's and you're like well sure if it's water that's that can just be a fun time but I'm talking about soda and I'm talking about this ain't no sprite this is well and you can't like be like oh let me help you dry that yeah you know because then you're like starting to grope yeah you know that's a bad don't want to do that look so that'll be all right you spilled on them spilled I had that on my list okay uh so I get two picks here for the first one I'm going to go with you forget their name yeah because yep I had on my list how do you navigate I had calling them the wrong name. I had calling them your ex's name. Yeah. Yeah. But if you forget. I mean,

one time you do that, you're like, there's no excuse for it. There's no way to unring that bell. Because I have to call them your ex's name and that would be embarrassing, but that feels like something you can move past. But if you don't know their name, how are you finding it out? Yeah. Oh, are you going to be like, uh, let's compare driver's licenses. So, sir, I think you would, it's The right thing to do is ideas for our drinks with Sally, who I, of course, no. You got to go over to the waiter and you got to say, hey, when you come back, would you ask for our names? Just say, hey, are you a regular here? What's your name?

Yep. No, that would be terrible. Forgetting your date's name. That's a good one. And then we'll follow that one up with the end of the date's happening. A check shows up. that credit card got declined that's that is the 102 to me i was it yeah i so i originally had forgetting your wallet uh but then i realized i mean that sucks right like oh you got to

pay for this but that is nowhere that is that is that's just like whoopsie dozzles getting you could you could you could venmo them right on the spot and be fine getting your card declined at the date and not like they your date's going to pay for this because someone has to and you're declined but the reason that they're paying isn't because I forgot is because it's like I can't I can't afford this day I feel like I'd try to call the bank and speaker phone right there and be like um you know try to solve it right in front of them so credit card decline have you guys have you ever hadn't uh had a decline for anything oh yeah yeah it's normally one of those ones where it's like I get the text too and it's like they think it's fraud or

something but it's like I mean never for lack of funds yeah I'm pretty sure I've had that happen like while married with my wife and it's like that's embarrassing enough it is the most it is the most embarrassing thing she knows how much money we have yeah like if genuinely you can have money in the account plenty of it like when when sometimes your card gets flagged when you travel right you'll go out of state and you'll make an expense and the bank shuts it down because they think you know that's not where you live and you you just like just like what you're saying You could be with someone who knows for a fact you can afford this. You're good.

You're budgeted everything. You haven't been silly. When you get told, I'm sorry, your card was declined. Not like, oh, you need to run that again. It didn't go through. But if it said declined, the level of embarrassment is, I can't handle it. And it's like totally just something that can get fixed, but it's like, I. That's when you run, you grab the change in the car.

Everyone hates me. Yes. Um, okay, good pick, Mike. I had spilling a drink on your date. I'm going to follow that up with, uh, the end of the date as well. You're going for the kiss and you get the cheek turn. Oh, okay. Yeah. The kiss denied. You get a handshake. Yeah, the kiss denied. Uh, pretty embarrassing. Probably not a second date on the way. No. Okay. Okay. So Jason, you've pooped your pants so far. Yeah, I have. I'm good. Date over. I don't need anything else. All right. so let's see here um i'm going to say the most embarrassing part the most embarrassing thing to happen on a date i'm gonna i'm gonna go with this one because um it's happened to me recently not on a date but in a way that was so infuriating and unavoidable and long lasting uncontrollable hiccups oh we're Mike, you know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about. But you're talking the whole date long, you are hiccuping and you can't stop. You're annoying. You look like a loser.

I didn't know hiccups were this severe. You know, it's one of those things. People think you're opting into them? If someone is hiccuping for an hour. Oh boy. I mean, it's. I've done that. Yeah, I, I did that recently, and my kids were laughing like crazy because I couldn't stop. And it's like, you wish, you, you want, you want to. Yeah, you just like to just be, I'm good. I had a great life. But if these hiccups don't stop. It's over?

Just please take me away from here. All right. This one would be, I think, even worse. I'm going to accidentally send a text about them. Oh, to them? to my bud oh no i accidentally sent a text about them to them like the buddy's like how's the date going yeah and you uh she's oh no oh that's not a looker that one makes me feel oh no yeah i mean how bad would that even if even if it was a good text even if it was like oh my date's

looking fine tonight or whatever i would feel like oh shoot i sent that to you that one would be better though oh way better i mean the other the other one is don't worry i just poop my pants like you can leave now okay that's good i will go um i'll go with a classic but it's something that could happen and your date might not tell you oh yeah and you find out afterwards but it's food stuck in your teeth the whole time okay food stuck in your teeth the entire time um not a good feeling right pretty embarrassing yeah pretty I thought you were going with something very, very similar but different. It'll probably get drafted. Okay. All right. I'm going with, uh, an embarrassment that it won't be shared

with the date because they just didn't show up. Oh my gosh. That's a good pick. You sat at that table. Oh, how embarrassed. Oh my gosh. Sir, this is for two. You're like, yeah, they're showing up. They're running a little bit. Oh, you can grab them a water. Because I'd be like, it's not between you and the date. It's between you and that waiter. Because eventually. that waiter is going to figure out what's going on. Goodness. That is such a good pick. I didn't even think about I know what I would go with.

I'd be like, after a while, I'd just tell the waiter, she got no fatal car accident. For sure. It's your only way out. That's your only way out. You wait for the waiter to walk back up and ask you anything. Like, hold on, I've got to take this.

An emergency. That's why you're dead. She's dead? She's dead. She's dead? Oh, boy. Either you're not at the date? Oh my gosh. Okay, hold on. I got to go.

I got to order. Looks like I can order now, sir. Oh, my gosh. Getting stood up. The chef's special is still good. That's available. Yeah, they won't be done at the scene for a while. All right, I got that one.

And then I don't know the best way to make this concise, but essentially you laugh at something that wasn't a joke. Oh, sure. They're telling you a story, and you thought it was a... You're like, oh, and they're like, why are you laughing? You're like, I didn't tell the joke. That's embarrassing in all situations, date or not date. But when you're on a date, obviously your goal is to impress.

Yeah, the best version of you. Which is why my fourth pick will not impress. It's a bad trip and fall. Oh, yeah. It's a bad. You step off the curb, you eat it. yeah it's a stupid i mean no one no one's not on my list no grown up should be tripping and fallen ever so from the impressing standpoint and we are at the age of yeah like have you guys

falling down pretty hurt recently because i the only one i could think of is is it's still years ago but like chasing kids in a like my kids in the playground and you run and yeah my kids at the playground and you hit the sand and i went down and my knee went and right into the ground and this thing just blew up and it was just bleeding everywhere. Oh, is a Jason kid joke? That's right. It just sounded like you said Jason Kim. Go on. Go on. And so the point being of not only is it incredibly embarrassing, it is very, very painful at this point to fall down. We shouldn't be falling anymore.

Yeah, but we're going to fall more and more as we eat. That's why me and Jay took the physical body. That's right. No, good point. Good point. Enjoy your hip. all right jason you get a final pick you just accidentally texted your date but it was meant for a friend and you have one more embarrassing thing that can happen i've got quite a few left on my list here i'm going to take this one solely because i thought this is what you were going to take when you had something in your teeth okay um that's embarrassing because it's like oh my gosh how long they didn't say anything what did they think you know but it's like you know you were it happens it happens

but you want to know what's worse and you think like, what did they think? Yeah. Because my zipper was down. Oh. My zipper was down that whole date. I had a different answer. What was yours?

I thought you were going bad breath. Oh, that's good too. But you don't know. You don't know when you get home. You find out. I mean, maybe. I think people have bad breath for generations because they don't find out. And they don't find out.

There's no way to tell somebody. But your zipper? You get home or whatever and you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. I have my zipper down the whole time. whole time. Good.

That's a good pick. My honorable mentions here, I had wet yourself, which pales in comparison to poop yourself. Yeah. Because I can spill. I can fix that situation. I think if you hit your date with the door, like you were supposed to open the door for them, but you just let it slam on them. Throwing up.

Choking on your food. Oh, choking. The combo bad body odor for getting deodoring. Oh, for getting deodorant. Which is like the bad breath. That would also, you'd be aware of that one. And you'd be like, if I'm on the way. and I forgot the odorant.

I didn't order Walgreens. I didn't order onions. What's going on here? Yeah, if I forgot deodorant and I was on the way to the date, that date would be stood up. I would not show up. Yeah, that would be embarrassing. So I had loud fart, you know, but I already pooped my pants. Right. Right. That fart was before that.

You had, uh, rip your pants. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting out of the car and wardrobe malfunction. I had your parents have to drive you. I mean Oh we should have said breathalyzer Oh that's a good one Pick her up with a breathalyzer You have to breathe into the machine

To start your car Oh man As your first impression And then I had getting turned away For being underdressed Like you show up to the restaurant And it's like sir We don't flip flops

Yeah Good ones I had left I mean asking the same question Multiple times I'm not listening to you anything you're saying. And I knocked the food out of the waiter's hand, which is too similar to the spill. Yeah. I had a, I mean, this is just barely related. I was at a restaurant last night. I'm sitting by myself. I'm waiting for my son, his practice to get over. And I was finishing

with a cup of coffee. I'm a normal person. I should be able to drink a cup of coffee. I'm alone in a boot. There's lots of people in the restaurant. And I just, the end of the cup of coffee, just drop the cup of coffee onto the little plate so it's super loud the coffee splashes. I now have coffee crotch in the restaurant and I'm just like I couldn't have felt more. I didn't even have a date there and I was like, hmm, I don't know how to live life. All right. What did we learn today? I could speak for all of us if you want.

Yeah. Turn on those. Turn off those read receipts. Turn off those readers seats. Indeed, the most important piece of advice. Live free. You've heard today. Also throw your phone in the trash.

Disconnect, live in the woods. Check your breath. Yeah. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you.