Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Self Cleaning Aliens & Best Juices - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

Spitballers return with the laughs and absurdity you’ve come to love. Another Would You Rathers goes off the rails, the Situation Room puts us in… weird situations and a Best Juices draft pushes the rules on this can’t miss episode. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scoop to doop do, bloop, but do, bloop, bloop. La. Sounded like a scat on a toilet. I'm fine with it. It's not in your upper echelon because it didn't have a flourish. You don't you're you've set a standard that's higher than us sometimes yeah Jeremy just rated it at a four out of ten yeah like that would have been an eight for me if we're being honest I like the beginning I just you normally lead to something better sometimes you gotta leave the audience wanting more yes you did welcome to the spitballers episode would you rather the situation room and a draft on today's episode follow us over on x at spitballers pod if you want to follow jason at jason ffl

Mike is at FF Hitman. I'm not at Jason FFL anymore. No, he's not. Update these show dogs. I'm at Jason Moore. Yeah, this show dog. Come on. We got producers here or what?

That's on me. That's not Andy's fault. Wow, he just fell on it before. That's a new preempted strike strategy. That's smart. That was smart. That was very way of the samurai, Jeremy. At FF Hitman.

That's still right. At Andy Holloway. And thank you for joining us. Thank you for your subscribing to the show. for leaving your reviews. We appreciate you. Reminding me to go double check on my handles here. Yeah, episode 360.

We are five shows. At Mike, don't do it. If you get at Mike, I'm going to be so pissed. That won't. That'll cost him over a million dollars. Yeah. He's not getting that, Mike. They think their handles are worth a lot of money.

Yeah, we tried to upgrade our main footballer show handle. Just like, that'd be nice. We never did that with spit. What update? We never looked to. see if ads footballers can just be grabbed. Okay. Well, don't tell the people. I mean, this isn't coming out for a while. We'll be better with it. You better go do it right now.

Crap. This is really not for air. Episode 360, five shows away from a show for every day of the year. Do you realize that? We've almost got literally one years worth of the shows. I mean, we are one show for every angle, if you want to turn. Of the earth? No, 360 degrees. Oh, I see. Yeah. I guess I'm not really... It's a geometry joke. It's a little too highbrow for you. I kind of missed it. You know what's funny? You're too obtuse. I agreed.

So we're five episodes away from having one for every day. Yeah. Nice joke, Mike. You're too obtuse. I mean, that was very cute of you. I'm just letting them fly. Anyways, so we're five episodes away from having one for every day of the year. But that's also five weeks, assuming no whole. holidays. It's a long time. We've been doing this show for way too long. Yeah, that's what that's what I was getting at. Let's let's keep it going. Would you rather? All righty. Would you rather guys? You ready for this? Mike, are you ready for this? Jason, are you ready for this? I'm no. I'm not ready. Bethany from the website, would you rather your kids and their friends think that you're the best dad on the entire planet? Or your wife and all her friends think that you're the best

husband in the entire planet. Definitely the dad. Hmm. You want you want that fame? Yeah. Yeah. You were saying you make your kids call you Super Dad? Well, no, I don't always make them. They just know. I've offered up the name. I've offered up the name and they've accepted. I say, who am I? And they say

Super Dad. That's they're doing. I don't say, you have to call me Super Dad. What are your superpowers? Yeah. parenting, advice. Buying juice boxes? Cooking. Everything. So you want to be famous to the, you'd rather be famous to the kids' friends than your wife's friends?

Yes. Yes, I think that's true. Yeah, I don't know if I feel that way. Well, I mean, I guess I assume already that no matter what my kids' friends say, I'm not cool. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't matter if they call you super dad. they don't actually think it because you're old. That's why it's special.

To actually have them think that it's cool. Which is very hard. If you can achieve it, it's special. I will say. I guess in this situation you actually are thought of and legitimately. In the world that we live in. I hope so. Where it's all lies.

Like this is our job when I've found that my, while my kids' friends don't really care about the show and I mean some of them are into fantasy football and stuff but when you point to your YouTube subscriber amount they care more about that oh you're like in on you suddenly become very cool yeah so look at this plaque I have from you yes oh you are cool but you can't really walk around with a shirt with your YouTube subs on no because that's not cool either no but when the the friends are over you just

like play it on your phone real loud. They're like, oh, you know what I mean? I totally caught me. I was just checking this new episode that we posted. Oh, what? We're up to 400,000 subs. Wouldn't it? I mean, isn't it embarrassing though? I've like,

if you have a bigger YouTube channel, yeah, would be. Friends don't think you're a good husband. Well, this doesn't imply that the opposite party thinks you're terrible, does it? Was that in the question that you're hearing what we're not saying? You know what? There may be problems that come about. if your wife's all our friends think you're the best. So yeah, I'm going to go with the kids one.

Yeah. The kids are easy, smooth sailing. That's smooth sailing. Yep. That's, that just figured that one out. Creating a situation for your wife. Joel from Patreon. When visiting a foreign country, Jason,

would you rather be able to speak the native language or read the native language? Oh, that's legit. So I just went to a foreign country that was not a native, English-speaking country. So I just experienced this. Where'd you go? I went to Turkey. And the English language was okay

to get through most of the time. I feel like reading was actually more important. Like if I'm looking at a menu. Did you drive yourself there? Like did you need street You can't drive? There's an ocean. It's still not possible. Not to get there. No, I didn't drive anywhere. I was driven.

I mean, I'm not going to go there. Yeah. See a lot of the country. Look, I just didn't need street signs. You were Ubering and stuff. I didn't know you're going to call it being driven. But I mean, whatever, man. Their traffic is insane.

The traffic is? Insane. I spent my summers in Los Angeles. Oh, man, I kept thinking Mike and Andy could not handle these drivers. Oh. No freaking chance. You guys would have rather jumped out of the car. if there was an opportunity

and there was very rarely an opportunity but if there was an opportunity to accelerate because there was a little bit of free land in front of this vehicle oh my gosh did they take claim? They stepped on it? They stepped on it and there was

I'm going to open it up breaks it was like you they saved fractions of a millisecond and they it was unbelievable but also too much traffic way too much traffic

I mean, it literally made Los Angeles look like Kansas. Child's play? Yeah. So do you think that reading would have been more helpful? I think reading would have been more helpful. How much like, I mean, I've not been to Turkey. I don't even know what you do in Turkey. But how much, how much of it was like both languages?

Was there any accommodation for English? Almost all of it. That's what I was. Really, there was no struggle. I'm saying which of the two struggles did I experience? It's more. There were times when I wanted to read something, and it didn't have English, and I didn't know exactly what it meant. There was almost nobody that I spoke to that couldn't comprehend a little bit. Sachi, Neradin, Bula, Bila Bila Rim.

That was Turkish. Okay, what did you say? Something in Turkish. Oh, you'll have to translate it. He was cursing, like a sailor. It's safe for the airwaves, I will say that. It is super safe. Sachi, Naradin, Bula, Bila, Bila, Rim. Speaking would be much, much better.

All right. Nate from Patreon, would you rather every meal and every snack you eat for the rest of your life have to include at least one full dill pickle spear? What? Or never be able to eat anything with cheese on it. This is just an attack. What? This is, I am under attack. It was submitted, but I did put it in because I knew you would struggle.

So wait, wait, every meal and every snack you eat for the rest of your life, you have to include. When you say you have to include it, you got to eat it, right? Yes. You got to eat an ideal pickles beer. Or you can never eat anything with cheese on it or in it again, which, let me tell you, the amount that I. People that, like, you two, you enjoy pickles. I love pickles. You will just, you will eat. Like, I was at a, uh, I love pickles.

I was at a, uh, uh, you probably don't love them with ice cream or with a bag of a skittling. Yeah, but you could, you can just throw it back real quick and then get to your, yeah, where you're going. Honestly, it's going to make the ice cream better. Because every time I get an ice cream, I'll be like, let me chow down on this sourdill pickle and now ice cream. Like they sell bags of, my daughter did a musical and they have a snack bar. There's chips there. And there's a bag of pickle. Yeah.

They've really started to streamline pickle distribution. You can get those little dill in a bag. They have flavors of them. They're not good. They're not that great. They're fine, though. They're fine. And this idea, this concept is one.

Wonderful. The concept is wonderful. The concept is wonderful. The execution is terrible. One, they're not good flavors. Here's the funny thing. You have to put preservatives in those, despite the fact that pickling something is a preservative. Because you can't put the juice inside the bag. If the bag was filled with juice, it would be actually fine. Yeah. The bag is filled with just a pickle. The other issue, though, is they cut them so thick. Those little bagged pickles, they're like... They're really not that bad. No, they're too thick. They're not chips. Mike, have you considered that now that the snack bar is selling pickles? They got pickles. on the go. Pickles are everywhere. Have you considered you just wrong? Have you considered that maybe good?

Maybe pickles are delicious. When's the last time you ate a pickle? When's the last time you pickled that? I think it's been a while. I will say I am open that perhaps my opinion is wrong. Okay. There are bad pickles, Mike. I know. I've heard you guys talk all about it. Tomatoes and pickles. Tomatoes and pickles are. As in you can have great or bad? I love tomatoes and pickles. There are disgusting foul creature versions of tomatoes and pickles.

And usually that's pretty much it's ubiquitous at all fast food restaurants. If you go to a fast food place and you get tomatoes and pickles, they're pretty much smushy, nasty, chewy garbage. So if that's where people's opinions are coming from, grow up. You need cold, fresh, fresh pickles. Yeah, and tomato. I mean, but for this question, never be able to eat anything with cheese on it again? pizza.

Yeah. Yeah, because pizza's got cheese. Just like everything. Almost everything I eat. There's cheese on it. Yeah, so you're going to have a hamburger. Not a cheeseburger, a hamburger. I can get down on a baking burger.

But it's better with cheese. My daughter right now, we're trying out dairy-free for her. Like, just as of a couple days ago, the doctor's like, let's give this a shot. Just as a punishment? Yes, exactly. It's turning into that. You got to see your dairy-free this week. Every day she-

Dude, that's the ultimate grounding. Just like you're gluten-free for a week. You're dairy-free. 3.0. Oh, yeah. Any day you mess up, you've got to restart your week without it. You got a 2.0. But every day she gets up and has a bowl of cereal.

So that's already messed up. Now she's got to do almond milk. She doesn't love it. It's fine. But then I go to make her a lunch. And her lunch is normally like a turkey and cheese sandwich. Do you know how horrible that sandwich seems the second you take one of the two elements out of the sandwich? A turkey, just sit and turkey on bread?

jeremy's wife is dairy-free and i love cooking and we have them over all the time i lost respect for her just now right of course you did yeah it's not by choice okay okay this is for she vomits if she has oh oh that bad oh it's not just like respect restore A few stankers? No, she'll be up all night puking. No, I love that. Is this her whole life being known her? I've lost respect.

It existed her whole life. She didn't discover what it was until we were together. How long is the vomiting been going on? Since she had a child. Oh, this was like a physiological. Physiological. Something changed after she's had. Michael Scott.

But your kid's fine? Your kid's hammering the cheese? Oh, he loves it. But I will say. Man cheese is good. It's funny because, you know, it's like, okay, well, I like cooking. I cook for the Granthums when they come over. This is a frequent thing.

And now over the last, this is the last like year or two that she's been dairy free now. And I'm always like, oh, I'll just make something dairy free. And I's hard. It's so impossible. I'm like, oh, no, I'll do a steak. No problem. It's just meat. And I'm like, oh, shoot, I baste that.

I end. I always put the butter and the garlic and then I, you base. You can't do that. I bought my daughter asked for some chips, so I just bought a bunch of different pringles. Except for the cheese pringles. One of them is a cheese wringle with cheese powder. And then it's like, oh, this is worse than milk in some situations.

We looked it up this morning. Wow. You would be surprised. Like hamburger buns. So many hamburger buns have milk in them. Oh, man. Milk and cheese is so good. Like that's one of those things where I'd be like,

I would have to be at the point of vomiting to quit. Like if you told me I'm going to be in a decent amount of pain. I mean, Mike does this all the time. Oh, yeah. Mike has a... He'll take one for his own team. I am most certainly lactose intolerant guys. Mike's Tum-Tum is a sensitive boy.

And he does not care. I have the problems where I'm like... Mac and cheese? I accept. Yeah, so mind over matter. How's that work? Cost of admission is a knock... I'm doing the pickle one.

I'm not getting rid of cheese. I mean, we are obviously doing that because we enjoy pickles. And I'm not getting rid of, I mean, if I think about, so pizza's gone, cheese burgers are ruined. Yeah. Mac and cheese? No, I'll eat this mac. I'll eat the pizza.

I'll eat the pickles. Natchos. Lasagna. Everything. Mots stares. Everything good in the world. A pickle spear is not that big, right? The spear, because it's the triangle.

I'll tell you right now, you know what's really good? Yeah, that's a spear of pickle, like a pickle with cheddar cheese. Sure? What are you saying? Unbelievably delicious. You're saying put cheddar cheese on. the pickle absolutely why would you not do that i've never thought of it and it sounds disgusting give it a rip brother i will i will that sounds disgusting that sounds disgusting i'll rip it a slight a piece of cheese

and a bite of a pickle eat them together what are you talking like uh craft singles no no no you want cheddar it's it's actually special with cheddar okay uh we'll see if the people agree at all probably not um all right do we have time for another one now is mike going with the anti cheese by the way which one are you doing No, I'll eat a pickle. Okay. I wish this happened. In fact, I think you could learn something that you love. This really goes into all of what we just talked about is a real-life situation with my son, my youngest Isaac.

Years ago. This is a long time ago. This is like five years ago. Maybe even longer than that. He was very young. Seven years ago. Thank you. Yes.

Seven years ago. Eight? No, we'll go seven. Okay. He got in trouble. I don't remember what it was for. He got in big trouble and we were not going to ground him. We were not, we were kind of running out of punishments for whatever this issue was.

And so my punishment for him was he, I was going to force him to eat pickles. That was his punishment. It was like torture for him. Pickles were, were. You were going to go cruel and unusual. Cruel and unusual. Definitely unusual. Some might say abusive the way that I sat him.

down and said, you are grounded from everything until you eat these pickles. You're not allowed to leave until I took one pickle out of the fridge. And this is how you get super dad, this thing right here? Yeah, learn. Just double checking. Sliced them up and I put like five slices of pickles, said, you have to eat those. And he ate one. It was so funny because in that moment, he fell in love with pickles. It's true story. He loves pickles now. He loves pickles now. He hated them before that, but he showed me with his punishment. He is his favorite punishment of all time because it turned out to be a treat. He ate, he's like, oh, these are good.

And then he had me make him more pickles. Like, I think it was like really to show me up. It was like when the punishment was over, he's like, I want more of this punishment. Not realize he could have just kept the con going. Yeah, that would have been the way to do it. Like, oh, no. They usually do. Don't punish me with my favorite.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That would have been wise. But, yeah, so punish Mike with pickles and then he'll love him. I mean, I'm older. You know, like I used to hate mustard. I like mustard now. Things have changed.

That's why I'm saying I'm open to be wrong about it. I just have a feeling I will eat. Just do me a favor. I don't like zucchini either. Oh, zucchini is disgusting garbage. It's mushy, nonsense, and there's no way to redeem it. There is no cooking it or cutting it. I don't like zucchini.

I don't like cucumber. numbers, just all of those. I'm okay with you, but I will say this. I want you to try a pickle again in the near future. Okay. But do me a favor and ask permission for the pickle from me because not all pickles are created equal. And I don't want you to try a bad pickle.

I don't want you to be like, this is a soggy, nasty. Just get a pickle here. Okay. Then, look, Matt's willing to do this. It's got to be the cold, Stored Claussen Pickles. Not a sponsor. The best pickles are these whole pickles or these slices?

They sell them in all kinds of ways. But what am I supposed to go with? Like a spear. I think I think that's the way. Or the small, I like the small whole ones. Those are my favorite. Little baby dills?

Little baby dills. Yeah, those are good. I love pickles. Pete from X. That was a lot of pickle. Would you rather have a rapid series of five sneezes every single time someone says your name, Jason? What?

Or get. The hiccups, Mike, for 10 minutes every time someone touches you intentionally or unintentionally. What is this question? It seems like a stupid question for a really sophisticated show like ours. There's a really big problem in marriage here. This is... Would you rather jump off a bridge? I mean, these hiccups or sneezes.

I think sneezes are five sneezes last the equivalent. of 10 seconds. Two, you know, a sneeze every two seconds. So I don't have people actually use my name that often. I mean, at the beginning of every show, you say follow Jason. I would. We would all weaponize this. Everybody sneezes are not the same.

It's at Jason Moore. Yeah, no, I know. Everybody sneezes are different. Like, when I sneeze, it feels like I'm going through like a little earthquake. Like, I get a headache. Really? I sneeze big now. Yeah, big sneeze.

You guys don't know. Mike, Mike, though, but the hiccuck. Like, he has a hiccup thing is a real, like, he has a hiccup. I have had multiple times of my life where I've had like a 30 plus minute bout of the hiccups. This is true. It, if, I can't explain how terrible it is because you're just, it's the stupidest feeling of they hurt. You can't stop them. And you're like, body, what are you doing?

None of the tricks work for you, right? Oh, no. Oh, no, no. Like you've been scared? Oh, to startle it out of you? I don't think that. I mean, that one's a little harder because I can't startle myself. Yeah.

Is there anything that starts? The little sips of water is what usually helps me. Any reason why the hiccups begin? I have actually, what I have found, it was something about like when I, when I'm coughing. Hmm. You can cough yourself the hiccups? Yeah. Like, it just.

Because it freaks out my... You're riddled. No, I'm saying it's not every cough. It's like, yeah, I can't even explain it. But... No, we've seen Mike with the hiccups, not stopping for 30-plus minutes. 10 minutes of hiccups is so much longer than you think. When you get hiccups, and for two minutes, you feel like it lasts forever because it's so annoying.

And when you have the hiccups, I feel like you can't concentrate on anything else. Your life is over. until you rectify the hiccups because the entire time between hiccups, I'm just like focusing on, I'm going to get rid of this next one. Yeah. It doesn't happen. It's 10 minutes. The strangest betrayal of your body

for the hiccups to keep going that long. The worst hiccup attacks I've ever had have been related to consuming too much custard. Very specific. Very specifically custard. I don't know if it's the eggs that are mixed into custard, but I can remember I went through a phase

where I was what's that is it Rita's? Oh yeah I went to a Rita's phase so I was starting to hammer you know very small quantities of readers that's what they call I was hammering back custard

that's right but basically yeah I mean I would get these massive painful and it wouldn't last 30 minutes thank goodness but yeah my my hiccups are very painful and usually libation related

sure that's the one that does happen All right, we'll take a break. We'll jump into the Situation Room. All right, we're jumping in. The Situation Room. All right, guys. It is time for us to do what we do best,

which is fix other people's situations. Our first one here, Maddie from the website. A streaming company approaches you and offers you $200,000 to let them live stream your entire life 24-7 for three months. So Jason's finally getting paid. for what he thinks has already happened. You cannot turn the cameras.

This is just normal, guys. You can't turn the cameras off. You can't pause or hide. Okay. Your friends, family, Boston coworkers all know that it's happening. Of course I do. Do you take it?

And what's the thing you think you're most dreading people seeing? I have questions. This is just a trap. Entrapment. Nice try. You know, if you're going to give up 200,000 because you've got a big secret to keep, you're not giving it away with a question about it.

It's the body in my basement. I hope they don't fall. Oh, shoot! I said it. Like, come on. My first question was, is the bathroom blurred out in this broadcast. Let me start there. Well, it does say you can't turn the cameras off, hide, or pause, so yes.

Wait, it's off? No, you cannot. No, you cannot. So yes, the duties are seen. I mean, I'm not getting, I can. This is a violation. Yeah, I'm not going to take 200 grand to be. naked on screen.

Yeah. If I were you, I would agree. While you're actively using the restroom or actively showering. Okay. So it's like the You can't just go in there and hide. It's like sims blurring. It's censored. Yeah. Yeah. They'll blur it and they'll mute the audio for the toilet time. Okay.

Bro, I'm just 24-7 nude in my house then. Oh. To get blurred out. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's just all blurry again. No one's watching. Get my 200 grand. Oh, my God. Walking down the street. Just I look it's a lot of money but no what 200,000 for three months I can be good for

three months. Just showering fully clothed. It feels like this question is so silly. This question is like what's wrong with you? Yeah. How do we see it? Do you want you say you're taking it? The 200K? Did you take this huge lump of money? And then tell us you. deepest darkest secrets.

Three months. I don't know. I mean, if you're blurred and you're not like actually like the intimate times of your life are They're there. Everything. I mean, the knowledge of it happening would be there, but the visual of it happening would not be there, right?

That's what we're... People go on Survivor. People go on Big Brother. But that's all. It gets edited. Oh, I know. But still, it gets edited. It's seen by somebody. Yeah, the cameras are there at all times. I think I could do this. I think I could do three months for $200,000? It's a long sign.

Three months is a while. Three months is a while. But yeah, I'm fine. I'm sure we could all make it. It's just, what? It's a three month experience. And honestly, I think it would be,

I think you'd learn a lot about yourself through that process. Do you think we would all behave better if we thought someone Yes. I was just going to say you'd treat your wife better, treat your kids better? I think everyone. Hello, family.

That's why I said I can make it three months. I can be good for. Because it's, because you'll have to be perfect for three months. You just have to look, you know, you can't have any of your, your bad moments because everybody has bad moments and you just. You do? Yeah, I'm, okay, I'm the one that has from time to time bad moments, yeah. But I won't for three months. I'm just, ask my wife's friends about me.

Yeah, I'm the best. Super husband. Yeah, I think maybe you're right, Al. Maybe people just, maybe it'd be good. Maybe it'll be like those, maybe we could do it with like fake cameras anyways and just trick. people into the fact that they're being watched and then they'll behave better. Tyson from Patreon. An alien ship, okay, this is the kind of situation we're better at. This is a real ones. An alien ship lands and the aliens say they will only communicate with three representatives

from Earth. Somehow, obviously, not somehow. Obviously. What in the world is Tyson? Somehow. We've been chosen. Obviously. One of you must greet them. One of you must give them a gift representing humanity and one must explain what humans are. Who does what and how did the first content go? Explain what humans are? Yeah, just tell the story of humanity. This is pretty. Jason cannot be doing the gift. I don't care which are the other ones he does. He can't do the gift. No? No, because... Give them something nice. Give him a bidet. That's what I'm talking about. That is exactly, because you're going to filter, you filter your gifts like you filter your draft picks, things that you like. Yeah, well, of course. And you just assume alien species will be exactly in sync with you.

I mean, if they're not given the gift. They have, they have, they have, they have, they have, waste. They've got a poop. Yeah. You don't know. They could have self-cleaning buttholes. That's true. They could. We should really have evolved that. You know what I mean? Like just some like real much more clean process of. Maybe it's the bad food reading. I think if you eat good food, maybe the process is pretty clean. Yeah? You think Taco Bell requires a bidet? I think Taco Bell is one of those like best if eaten with a bidet nearby. lie. Okay, so one of us has to give a gift. I think you're the greeter. One of us has to greet them. Mike can't be the greeter. Oh, I cannot. No, they would declare war. Intergalactic war. No, Mike is out on that one. You're saying, I'm out on the gift. Who explains who humans are?

No, don't let me do that. So that means you're giving the gift. So what would you give as a gift? I will give them the gift of song. Oh, I love it. That's actually good. You'd write them a song. Yeah. Dude. All right. That's a great gift. Does that mean I have to explain humans? That's better than a bidet.

I think you're explaining humanity. I'm the one doing it. I know I'm usually the Jason explains, but I think we should do an Andy explains. In fact, Al, why don't you hit the button for Jason explains, but we're going to do Andy. Jason explains in 60 seconds. Explain humanity. Go. It's a whole bunch of people living in a society, humans.

Okay. And we've done. done lots of good, lots of bad. We built some pretty cool stuff that nobody thought we could build. We've blown up some stuff. We shouldn't have blown up. We're best when we're like knives to each other. Knives?

No, nice. When we're nice to each other. All right, better. And we came up with this really cool thing called podcasts that anybody could do at a low barrier of entry. And that's kind of our pinnacle accomplishment in this world. And this one's the best one of all of them. I mean, you did that in 30 seconds.

Some say podcasts are the end. Yeah, I mean, some do. Self-cleaning butthole aliens do. But, um... Explain what humans are. We're sacks of meat. Yeah. Like, we're...

We're mammals. Yeah, I mean... That's a tough one. Yeah. I don't care. I just got to greet them. Good a hearty handshake in there and be like... How are you going in?

Oh, a hearty handshake. Wait, hold on. You're not dapping them up? Yeah, I said we go and dab. We go on handshake. We're like a business. We're going. We're going.

We're going. Creed going arms wide open for a big hug. No way. I'm going one hand extended. And I'm going to make sure I win that shake. Oh, okay. I'm going to have the power shake. My hand will be on top.

It will be firm. Absolutely. I will make sure that this alien is weaker than me. What if your hand gets just, just obliterated? Just explodes. Smushed. Then I will. Then I will know what we're dealing with.

That's the upside here. Everybody run! Don't give him the gifted song. He does not deserve it. Give me to a hospital. Grip strength cannot be trifled with. They can open every jar of pickles. All right.

We solved that one. Do you have a preference on one of these next two, Al? I haven't read anything. I bet they'll give us money to do something. Let's go in the order. They're in the dock. Liam from Patreon. A man approaches you and he.

hands you a phone. Okay. On the screen is your bank account with an extra five. Oh, yeah. Bingo. Go on. What terrible thing do we have to do for all this money? For an, with an extra $500,000 deposit. Okay. He says it's yours to keep, but for the next year, you must answer every single phone call you receive, every spam call, robocall, every wrong number. You must stay on the line for a minimum of three minutes each time. You're not allowed to explain to anyone else why you're doing this. So if you rudely answer a call in the middle of an important meeting, you can offer no explanation. This is awesome. I would love

So if they hang up Yeah, if it's a wrong number, you've got to somehow keep them on the line for three months. So one hang up ruins the money? Correct. Oh. Even if they get bad signal, there's no downside. There's no, you're not going to lose any money if you fail the challenge, but you might be, you know, six months into it and there's no way you're going to make it. What do you mean you're not going to lose? If you're six months in and that happens, don't they take the money

back? Right. I'm saying you're not going to. That seems like a loss. I feel like we lost that money. It was already depowed. So, well, yeah, you're losing what was given to you, but you're not losing anything from your original. Oh, no, I'm losing a lot, brother. And it's the, I can do this. No problem. I'm concerned about the calls that are the dropouts and the bad, the bad areas. Okay.

That can't be, that can't be part of it. Are you saying that if, if, if you're driving through the mountains? If both humans, neither one of them ever hang up, but a call is just dropped because technology fails. Did I lose this test? We can eliminate that. Okay. If that's eliminated, I'm in. I would say it fails the challenge if somebody.

hangs up in the first three minutes. Now I will say this. We do several podcast recordings. And that means, you know, look, I screen calls during this time, but I would no longer be able to. You'd have to pause. I'd have to take every single call. I'd have to take every single call. That would become entertaining, though, because you'd, you'd like speakerphone that time. I would have so much fun with this. Every now and then, it's not common. Usually I screen every, you know, incoming spam call or even just a number that I don't have in my phone book. But every now and then I'm in a saucy mood. and I answer and I'm We know we've been watching Truman show

Yeah and right So you've seen We've seen your saucy moods And it's like I just like playing along with these people And just like Oh yeah Is that

Tell me more about your great service You gotta be kidding me Yeah Is there a technique like Could you literally just say You can get away with like Starting the conversation And being like oh hold on one second

I can't wait to talk to you Give me just a second And then you could like walk away For like two or three minutes I think if you do that for the entire time you will lose one of those. I think you can buy maybe 30 seconds. Keep in mind, Jay, if you do do that, Andy and Mike don't, I did say do do do.

Andy and Mike don't know why you're doing it. You can't offer up that explanation. You're just rudely answering the phone in the middle of the podcast. And then we're like in the middle of talking to you and you answer it and we're like, what the heck? No, hold on. I have to get this real quick. Sorry, guys.

Yeah. Boom. Done. Easy. I'll do it. I mean, I don't get called like nonstop. Three minutes. Three minutes, Jay.

Yeah, I'll be right back. And I'll unplug. I'll leave the room. No. The nice thing is we're not live. I know what you do. You'll be like, I got a poop. Yeah. Oh, I got to take a dog. I think you're just talking in there. One more. Ryland from the website, your local wizard has come to you with an opt-in opportunity. I bet it is money related. I bet it is too. You're told that you have to survive an entire three-hour Thanksgiving get together with your extended family. Okay. That's pretty short.

You say must rhyme. Oh, man. If you break the rhyme at any point, you lose $15,000. Why do you think we're so motivated by money, Al? Yeah. It's not me. It's the problem. people. This one you actually lose money out of your account if you accept the challenge and lose them. So if you break rhyme, you do the time. Is that what you're saying? You think, that's what I'm saying. You think I can't go to a

three hour Thanksgiving with my extended family and say zero words? You think I can't do that? Have you ever tried to pull that off? I mean, I've never challenged myself to zero words. What do you think your minimum words per Thanksgiving is? What's your words per Thanksgiving on average. Man. Thanksgiving in particular.

Yeah. Outrageously love. Wow. There is. What do people do you don't you, do you get with family on Thanksgiving? No. No, not anymore. I can't believe it. Bro, you know what I do? I do. I've told you. I know. You go to Jack at the box, whatever, but I thought you also have like, get together with family that you attend. No. I put the football on and I watch football all day long. I thought people came over.

They used to. Yeah. I got rid of that. This podcast. Every time, Mike, we're just learning. Like, so when you were getting together, did people just think, like, what do you think they would have said about you? Like, if you have a cousin that came to the Thanksgiving, you know, we all grew up

with different family members, extended family members, oh, there's my second cousin, my, you know, my great uncle. What, right? When they go home and they go, oh, do you see, you see Mike was there? They go, yeah, he's looking a little puffier. And then I think they just they wouldn't because you just make yourself invisible. You don't think they'd be like, he never says anything. They might say that.

The puffy guy never says anything. Can't you just make like one rhyme talking about how you've lost your voice? You know, like one? It wasn't my choice. Yeah. Right, exactly. And then boom, done. Everyone explains.

We can conquer this. To not like try and skirt the rules. It's like three hours of rhyme. I can't answer. I have throat cancer. Exactly. You know what I mean? No.

No. No. You don't say you're going to get all sorts of attention. No, you just keep repeating that one line for three hours. I'm sorry. I can't answer. Trying to rhyme for three hours. I'm ravaged with throat cancer.

It would be tough. What's our, what's our IM pentameter here? What's the rhyme scheme? Is this AAB? Whatever my cancer joke was. Yeah, we're AABB here. It's one line, then rhyme. See?

Nice. Oh, my gosh. I've got enough money here. I've got, from all these situations, I've accumulated enough money. You made $500,000 from your phone calls. Thank you. $200,000 from people watching your poop. Right.

You don't need $15,000 here. No, no. You guys got to forget. We should have a spitballer's bank of cash. because if you could add it all like if AI could go back through and figure out how much money we've earned way to you need to up the ante for our spitballers money we are we are a strange people just add zeros and we'll be motivated okay we just want to know what what will you do that you don't want to do for money that's really because we don't al don't come up with these people send these stop

leave us alone we'll do anything all right we'll take a break we'll draft spitballers draft. Well, guys, we are, we finally got to this draft. We've been dying to do this one forever. The best juices. Oh, yeah. I'm taking steroids. No, no, that's not what we're talking about.

Wait, what? My list is ruined. We're talking about juices. That which feels like them, someone calling steroids juices. Like orange juice. It's like, that's, that's even funnier. Yeah. I love juice. I'm a big juice guy.

When you start the morning off every morning with a with a juice. Juses, yeah. When you were a kid, I felt like, I mean, my house growing up, I don't know if I ever drink water. Now, my parents did not comprehend the sugar content I was consuming. But because of that and because of whatever marketing big juice did, I mean, I had apple juice constantly. I drank. Squeeze it's. Apple juice.

That type of stuff. Squeeze it's apple juice. juice boxes, some sugary drink at all times. Grape juice, I mean, white grape juice. Whoa. Don't ruin the list here. Let's not give away trade secrets on juices here. So in that situation, Mike, yeah, you're first.

I just feel like we all graduate from juices and then all of a sudden juices are weird to get. Yeah, because they're for kids. It's not like they're less delicious. No, they're great. But here's what happens. when you drink juices as a kid, you're fine. When you drink juices as a 40-year-old, you're fat. And tired and metabolizing.

It's just, it's not good for you. No, and then they figured that out. It's not good for kids either. So you got a low-sugar versions of stuff. But Mike, you got the first pick. I honestly, I hate being at number three. I feel like there are two. Yeah, there's two.

There's two big ones. But honestly, I don't know if you want to even go. that or you just want to go with your favorite? I'm taking the one that's a pole. Nice try, Jason. I tried. I wanted orange juice. I really.

I will take orange juice. Yeah. It's not the best juice. No, but it's the most popular juice. What were you saying, Andy? And it's 35 to 40% of all juice sales is orange juice. That's, I mean, I would say orange juice is probably the second best. That one, that one makes sense because there's, that's the one juice.

Whereas in an adult, it is normal and excessive. You can have orange juice for breakfast. For breakfast. That's normal. It's like if you go some place, even if you go through a drive-thru, they'll be like, what do you want? You want the orange juice? It comes with the orange juice. You've got to switch it out.

Do you want immediate heartburn? Right. This is where, have I told this story about my dad before? The amount of juicy consumes? No, he gets up in the middle of night and has a glass of orange juice and goes back to bed. Like, I'm talking, you wake up at 2 a.m. You're like, I'm kind of beep-bopping around the house. walks out to the kitchen, pours himself a tall glass of OJ, drinks the entire glass of OJ,

ah, time for bed. And then goes into the chair because you can't possibly, you can't lay down after a glass of orange juice. I can't. My 70-year-old dad can. How strong is his valve? I don't. Yeah, he's got a strong valve.

Like mine is just corroded. I think maybe the valve that doesn't let me burp also keeps me safe from these things. Like, nothing's coming up. You never reflug? Not really, no. I can drink orange juice. No problem. Do you ever...

I can't afford it, though. You go to McDonald's now? And you're like... These prices! No, really! If you're like, you get a breakfast meal, but then you're like... It's happening. Change to orange juice.

It's like five bucks! The way that fast food is now with number one... I mean, whatever, McDonald's. This... Are you going to be ordering with the app? Oh, I know. Shut up. Oh, that's.

I don't want to talk about the app. It's not a person either. It's a robot that does that. No, but and then. Which is even worse. But then I found out that my wife has been using the app and saving so much money. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Oh, give me the tips. It's just you, the app, the app, you get coupons. And then you automatically just save money. So you say yes? Yeah, and then you give your code. When you're at the drive-through? You just, you give your code and then it, that's how they sink it. So.

It's not that the tech is bad. It's just annoying of, dude, I'm super old man right now. But everything needing an individualized app, I'm just, you're over it? I went to sign up my kids on a football team. And they're like, hey, we're running a, we're doing, you know, a fun. We're doing a fundraiser. Well, yeah, first time I was like, hey, we communicate on Team Snap. We also use Slack.

We also share all the video on Huddles. Sports to use. And they're like, hey, we're going to do a fundraiser. And I'm like, okay, fine. I'll go sign up for your fundraise. Better, you got to get the app. I'm like, no, no, I don't. Man, I'm so over having 50,000 accounts and different passwords.

I think you have some things to talk about at Thanksgiving, Mike. That's what I just figured out. Oh, it didn't. Orange juice is the number one pick. Jason, you are up next. Number two. I mean, I'm obviously going apple juice because it is the number one of the juices as far as most delicious best juice. Like, it's better than orange juice.

Apple juice is fantastic. The problem is it is so sweet. And I think, I think really if apple juice had vitamin C, they could have big marketing. Which it does. Not like orange juice. When you think of orange juice has sales because of this vitamin C like, oh, this is healthy. Man. Neither one is healthy, even remotely healthy.

Orange juice and apple juice, it might. There's got to be something. 34 times the vitamin C of apple juice. There's got to be something good in a smaller amount of orange juice. Absolutely. I disagree. I think that you're getting a lot of items. Absolutely.

I mean, if you go take an orange off the tree. Oh, yeah. This is the thing. This is the advantage of orange juice to a degree, right? You can go take an orange off the tree, and then you can make juice out of it. You don't have to add sugar. You just drink it. If you're literally juicing an orange, sure.

Let me just ask a simple question. The big box. that's just extra sugared up, let's say 10,000 times you've drank orange juice. How many of those were from an orange you got off a tree and juice? I mean, I don't drink a lot of orange juice because of the

heartburn problem. But my point is the orange juice that is consumed is just... Yeah, I don't... This is why I don't like being the number three pick. Yeah, because orange juice and apple juice are the top two. And then so I'm going to go lemonade. That was for... I'm going to go lemonade. Lemonade is easily the 102. Um, apple juice.

with lemonade on the board? Yeah, lemonade is lemon. I mean, we call it apple juice when you take apples and sugar and add it, but we call it lemonade when you take lemons and sugar. And lemon juice is like just the stuff that scars you and Yeah, we're not drinking, yeah, sugar's involved.

Lemonade is And you can drink lemonade as a grownup. It's not a problem. Why? We don't sell. Lemon is more acceptable. We don't sell orange juice on the corner. We don't sell apple juice on the corner.

We don't have orange juice. orange juice stands? No. So lemonade is the one. And then this is where it goes really sideways. Because I don't, I feel like there's other options here. I'm just going to go with the one that I think is delicious that I think is very good for breakfast instead of orange juice. That I think is it can be good for you, not necessarily the way that ocean spray would have you use it. But I'm going to go cranberry juice. You're going with the bog fruit? Yes. You're going with cranberry juice. I was worried because look, when we when we do this, there's 12 things that will be selected. And we're going to we're going to get to a place here where we're Cranberry is very high up the list. Cranberry is very high up the list.

It's a common juice. I hate cranberry juice. Really? Have you just not really had the right one? You don't like the little... You're saying I haven't had enough sugar in mine? Yes. Probably.

Oh, for sure. Because cranberries are... Yeah, disgusting. Yeah, they're... I'm not a fan, but I knew that at some point... The cranberry juice is good. I might be forced to pay. I might have to draft it.

Cranberry juice is awesome. Yeah, awful. I agree. It's really good. No, this is easy because there's, to me, there are three. There's three that are great. The third one is every bit as good as apple juice and orange juice. Nowhere near as common.

It's not ubiquitous. What? Grape juice is awesome. Grape juice is, I think, maybe better than the other two. Grape juice is perfect. First of all, four have been drafted. Stop throwing cranberry out the window. Yeah, that doesn't count.

Cranberry is awful. Grape juice is good. Grape juice is the most kid drink of all of the juices. I would agree. with that. It feels like I'm not supposed to drink grape juice. Grape juice is the most like iconic kid juice of these juice. No, that's apple. No,

I don't think so. They're very close. One's purple, Mike. It's like bright colors. When you get a kid's meal, there's not grape juice. It's apple juice. It's always apple. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not common. Because it's not like served in places. I feel like it's the most kids. I understand what you're saying. I don't think you're

an idiot for saying. Was that the 101 for you, Al? No, the 101 for me is not drafted yet. Okay. Wow. So, but you agreed with me that's the most kid juice? Don't worry. I do agree.

I got you covered big guys. Mike, you've got two picks. Pineapple juice. Ah, that is his one. That's not drinkable at quantity. That's the one over. Yes. That's a great pick.

Yeah. That's a great pick. I should have taken that over great. I thought you were going to. Pineapple juice, though, you cannot put down 16 ounces of pineapple juice. You can't. That's the problem. Matt, go to the store and get me some.

pineapple juice. Okay. The average person, I feel like it's so concentratedly sweet. I love pineapples. I love pineapple juice. But I feel like that is a mixer. Yeah, you can't. When do you crack open? No kids are drinking pineapple juice at school. It's too sweet for kids. I can put down a bigger glass of orange juice than I can pineapple juice. I would, I mean, legitimately. Is there any study that drinks pineapple juice casually? Not frequently. I know you do, Al. I know you do. I know you do. I'm just saying like I've never seen a kid pop open a can of pineapple juice or get a juice box with pineapple juice.

I'm not saying it's not delicious. And heck, if you throw some coconut in there and you make it a pinocalada, I'm going to drink it all day long. Pineapple juice is probably the best of all the juice. It's very versatile. I just don't think you can drink the quantities I want to drink. That's all I'm saying. Mike, you got another pick. Not as common, but I have had it and it's out there.

I'm going to go with cherry juice. Okay. Cherry. Tart sherry? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I want it tart. It's tart cherry juice. I want it. I feel like that one is legit good for you. I want to take a sip and you go, like you can't get away with your. And you get that with cranberry a little bit. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. But the tart cherry is like your, your tongue fuses to the top of your mouth and the only way. That's too much for me. Oh, I get what you're too much. When you're like, that's how you know. That's the trip out. That's there you know, I like cherry juice. I add cherry juice to my old fashions, but I want the sweeter. I want like the.

what are those cherries? They're really expensive. Maricino? Yeah, where it's like this. Those are not even real. The juice is like, it's not even juice. It's just syrup. It looks like sweet and souries. Luxardo, luxardo cherries. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. I would never have been able to help you. This guy ping pongs between I can't afford orange juice and McDonald's to the most luxurious cherry brand. Dude, who are you? Chairs are so good. They use them in a lot of like really fancy old. I bet they're more than five bucks.

All right. Let's see here. Oh, man. So we're getting down to the less desirable juices. Yeah, exactly. There's one left that I absolutely adore. Love it. I would draft it there.

But I feel like you guys might not draft this and might not like it. That's fine. I'm just going to take it. Who cares if we like it? Well, my point is I could get it with my fourth pick. I'm playing the game. Play the game. Play the game.

No, I'm going to go with it because I love it and I don't want one of you two to grab it. Tomato juice. I knew you're going there. It's great. When I fly in a plane, I know, you got to get your. I'll get a Bloody Mary just the mix, just the mix. I love it. It's like V8.

V8 is great. I've gotten down on the, I had a time of my life where I was loving V8. I mean, not compared to everything else we're drafting. How much is in the V8 spicy? The least sugar is. in V8 versus apple juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, grape juice. V8 is barely sugar by comparison. By comparison.

What's it at? 8 grams per 8 ounce serving. Orange juice is like 20. Yeah, okay. That's what I was going to eat. But tomato juice is just like an old man pick. I mean, that's fine. We're at the place.

I knew you would take it. We're taking charity. No, I don't disagree. I'm going to take grapefruit juice. I'm going to take grapefruit. I think grapefruit juice is great with your cream. It's a cranberry. It's amazing.

Grapefruit juice in the morning. I mean, that's, you can get that at a restaurant. Almost 100% of the time they'll have grape fruit juice. So I will go with that one. Can I take fruit punch? Sure. Can I take a juice cocktail called Fruit Punch? Yeah, I'll allow it.

I'll allow it. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. I'm going to take Fruit Punch. So you agree that that's a good pick? Yeah. I never like Fruit Punch. Never got down with it.

When you mix multiple good things that taste good together and it tastes even gooder? Yeah, but there's ways to do it, but that one never works. If you're taking that. A punch never worked for me. Oh, great. That's why you gave it to me. Oh, my gosh. You're taking that.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to hear this. Now, I got two options here. One of them I think you guys are going to shoot down. I'll shoot my shot. Sunny D is the best of all juices in the world. No, because that opens up. It's just orange juice. That's what I knew was going to be shot down.

It's just orange juice. So what's your bit? Purple stuff. That's not juice. Neither is fruit punch. No, you can't take. Otherwise, this draft would have been for things like squeeze it's and. Yeah.

I mean, squeeze it. I also asked if I could have fruit punch. Cocktail. I mean, there's got to be, there's fruit in there, right? In the fruit punch? Yeah. Yeah, you can. Well, I would have, I would have rather had, I would have rather had the purple stuff and Sunny D.

All right. They're delicious. You did take purple stuff. You got grape juice. Yeah. Okay, whatever. What do you think is in purpose? I'm going to go with something that is absolutely disgusting.

People love it. And it is actually healthy. Oh, I know where you're going. Actually good for you. It's kind of sweet. I can't stand it. I can't drink it. But carrot juice.

Oh. Carat juice is healthy. It's common. I thought you were going to take coconut water. Does that juice? I think technically it is. I mean, it's like that coconut. It's the same thing of lemonade

is you're taking coconuts and... That's funny. Technically they call coconut milk. It says yes, coconut water is considered a type of natural fruit juice. Oh, yeah. I'll take coconut water. You already took carrot juice.

Oh, Mike. You're up. They're both gross. I am... Finishing with tomato juice and carrot juice is a choice. All right. You're up, Mike. So you got the mixture.

Uh-oh. I'm going to take a mixture where it is. Because look, we have apple, cranberry, but they're like, there's one. It's pog juice. Oh, no, that's totally. Dude, that's an amazing pick. It's very specific. Oh, my gosh.

What is it, pomegranate orange guava? Yeah, dude. That is such a good pick. That is, that it might be the one-on-one in legit juice. It is very, very tasty. It's so sugary. All of the flavors that. that you want are involved in pog juice you own this draft i mean tart cherry

when you get to start with orange juice not really fair pog juice is the that's the one-on-one of juices legitimately wow there we go i wasn't i wasn't if you haven't had fog no that i mean it's it's three mixed together but it's common it's it's a great pick but yeah and you get to say pog yeah it's cool from hawai think about poggs uh the only other real i mean pomegranate juice was going to be a pick it was by itself i couldn't take pogg i was going to go i was going to I think the pog juice is actually passion fruit. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

But Pomaginut was going to be a pick for sure. I thought about being healthy and throwing some green juice in there and see if I got away with that. My favorite. Like celery? My favorite, and people don't drink this. That's why I didn't, I didn't draft it. But pear juice.

No one actually consumes it. Pear juice. Oh, yeah. It's so good. I think that would be fine. I feel like pear juice is probably the closest example of what I feel like pineapple juice is like where like I take a little bit of pear juice you give me a glass of pear juice that's weird dude it sounds weird but has anybody ever had a glass of pear juice before

I've never had a glass I've had little yeah why not I don't know what what's up with that is it not good pear just doesn't have good PR it really they they see very juicy as a fruit you could get a lot of juice out of it are very good when they're ripe there's more juice than an apple what is going on with big pear some clowns are running the show over there Kids, marketing is really important. It feels like Pear is the Burger King to the McDonald's of Apple. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Not even Burger King. Burger King is big. Pair is like... Don't you feel like Burger King's always just trying, though, to like be... Yeah, for sure. Just be cool. But Pear isn't even trying. That's my point.

If they were trying harder, if they were better, they'd be the Burger King. Okay. Well, we figured that out. What did we learn today? I learned that our audience thinks will do anything for money That's what I was about to say

We're very motivated by money Jason's willing to be on television for three months straight for money And we learned Jason went to Turkey Three more months Yeah what was the phrase that you Comment that you said when you got to Turkey

That was the one that you said No I know but Jason when he arrived He said it I think he went Hello I don't remember Goodbye Thanks for listening to the

Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, Zachary Naradyn, check out spitmowerspod.com.