Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Service Cats & A Pool Party Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

The Spitballers return with another guaranteed to make you laugh episode. Join us as we face some hilarious Would You Rathers, figure out What’s the Difference and wrap things up with a Pool Party Battle Royale. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Blibety, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, wow, wow. All right. At first, I felt like it, for some reason, it felt like a cop out. And then the bow-wow-wow, well, made me really happy. I was setting you up, man.

You haven't scattered in a while. This is part of your arrangement. I mean, you won't scat next week. It's so great. Because you made a financial arrangement with Mike. But I made that so long ago. I know. I know.

I feel like the credit card's like, do you know about the 25%? You didn't know your interest rate, Mike. It takes a while to cycle back to Jason. And so I feel like the big difference in skats between Mike and Jason is that you tend to trail down. Right. Where Mike tends to when you think he's going to be done, he brings in a nice flourish at the end. You might go with a poop-a-poop. Right.

He goes with a bow-with-wow-wow. He went bow-wow. It was pretty good. Episode 348 of the spitballers, welcome in one and all. What's the difference? Would you rather? and another battle royale on today's show. We've got another battle royale.

This one's tougher. It was a little tougher than I thought it would be. We've been running out of... Than I thought it would be? Good places to kill each other. You know what I mean? It was so easy when it was like, oh, you're at a toy store.

We're going to start doing really boring ones. Like, the dark alleyway battle royale. Yeah. We just dropped... Take my fist. Yeah. The only weapons I need. I lay it at the feet of the spitwads.

We're too busy doing shows to think up more places to kill each other. The spitwads need to come up with more places for us to kill each other. If they want us to kill each other, it's on them to decide where. So, I mean, 350 episodes in. I will say the spitwads have spoken loudly about wanting you guys to do a battle royale in this room. We get that all the time. You get that a lot for the studio? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Hold on. I call heaviest trophy. Hold on. Producer Borland, head producer, superstar. Hal Borland. Runner of this show. Incredible. What a, what a guy. Thank you. Uh-oh. Did you just say they asked for it all the time? This is the first time I've heard about it. I've never heard of it. Have you ever heard of that? I've never heard of that. Andy, what a great idea that was. First time you've heard it. All the honest, I thought it was a bad idea. So I never passed. it along. You waited until we got through everything else on the idea list? Yeah. I mean, well, here we are. If you want to do it. We're doing, we're doing it. No, no, no. It's a terrible

idea. We can't possibly do it. No, no. But we just, first time we decided that. I'm just saying I've never. Also, Batman is mine. Oh, man. He's got two points of years. You got the first pick. Are we switching draft? No, we're not. We're doing this draft soon. Okay. Because I'm looking around in the room. As soon as you scat. I, uh, we'll never do it. Um, There's some good stuff in here. All off camera. It's going to be great. Great draft.

Not all of it. That thing. That thing over there. You think it's a good idea? It's funny that you tap that helmet because this is the first time that helmet's ever been on this set. What happened? Yeah, that's not normal. Matt has these on us today.

And he left that on when he put the gnom up. Wait, wait, Matt the Falcon just half dressed the set. What is going on? We leave for lunch. We're short a guy today. We're, uh, yeah. We're short Papa Josh. That's a full man.

Yeah. Sometimes it's addition by subtraction. Yeah, but Falcons like a quarter. Oh, my God. We got to get some better. Combined there like three quarters of one. We've got to get some better people working here. Okay.

We'll think about it. We'll think about it. Today it's not going to be this set. We'll be doing a pool party about a royale. So that's what we'll be doing later. Let's get into Would You Rather? You have been selected as a beta tester by a robotics company. Oh, nice.

Fun. Would you rather receive a housekeeper robot? Yes, please. A bodyguard robot. Sure. Or a companion robot. Take it easy. Take it easy.

But then we're talking about they're friendly, agreeable. They'll play sports. So, hey, the companion? Yeah. They'll go out to dinner with you. Well, it's like you want to, you're like, hey, I want to play some one, I want some basketball? Some pickleball singles right now.

I got no one to play with. You've got a robot. I've seen these robots right now. It's not going to be a fun game. They can't move very fast. Jason, in this question, the robot can play. It can do the thing it's asked to do. Okay, so let's just before we...

Have you seen the robot do the ping pong? Yeah. That robot dominates. Okay, so that's the problem. You ever seen a robot play chess? Always wins. Either the robot is great. Yes.

You know, it's per... And then it's not fun. Or it's not good and it's not fun. Yeah, we never heard a difficulty level. There's no... Never played a video game? Yeah. You turn the difficulty level up.

You can put it at an 8 out of 10 and it makes some mistakes. I didn't, I didn't know that you had the option. You didn't know how AI works? Your robot toothbrush, you can't adjust the settings. Okay. All right. I can't. We overwhelmed them, Mike.

I mean, that's ridiculous. I'm just trying to point out that the companion robot plays sports, video games, give advice, have a conversation with. Okay, so they're all being. explained here. We all have conversations, like hard conversations we want to have, but you're like, I don't know if I have someone I can have this conversation with. So that's what it does. It's your best friend you've ever had. It's friendly. It's agreeable. It's a therapist. Sure. The bodyguard is strong, agile,

fast, trained to guard you like a secret service agent will keep you safe from human-induced time. Not something I've been fortunate enough to avoid. Housekeeper, emotionless, listens, doesn't speak, not intellectual, will complete common household chores. I was just at lunch with my wife yesterday and I was thinking we were talking through the, I mean, you and I Jason, we've talked a lot about this. Oh, we've dreamt of this. Jason wants the optimist

robot. Yeah, it is. But like I was more thinking in a 20 year time period, like 20 years from now, it's not unrealistic to think that what, I'll be 60, my kids will be out of the house. It's not unrealistic to say maybe there'll be a robot in the backyard trimming the trees, mowing the grass.

There'll be another one in the house, doing the laundry. Yeah, 20 years? Yeah, I was saying in 20, maybe we might have three or four robots. Yeah. One's driving me places. It's possible, yeah. Well, they won't need a robot to drive. No, but I will make my car talk to me.

But no, it's not impossible that that's the case. And then, you know, what it means for, like, elderly people that are alone, you know, having a, that's a companion and a bodyguard and a housekeeper. Right. They could use all of those. So this is not an unrealistic world. I don't know that the elderly person really needs a bodyguard. I guess I meant more protector, you know, more like a life alert person to, like, throw the old person on their back and, and trot to the hospital. The bodyguard is out, right?

I don't think any of us are, like, really wanting. Would you go to more dangerous places on purpose if you had a bodyguard? No. No? No, not at all. That's like the whole argument of, like, if I'm armed. No North Korea trips for you. Like, the whole argument, like, if I'm armed, I can.

I've been dying to go. I still don't want to be in a burglary. Right. Like, I'm not looking forward to using it. I don't want, there's still risk. I mean, you own a firearm? I do. Why?

Bears. Yeah, I mean. I've seen it. Yeah. That thing is for, that thing better be for bears. It's for two things. It's for bears and a military. If there's a tank rolling up on my property.

It's for bears and then super bears. It's an anti-aircraft. I was swore. I was swindled. I mean, me and I knew nothing, and I go to this store. You in a gun store getting talked to. Dude, it's so funny. Do I need this kind of firepower of?

Yeah. Like this, I've, I'm not a gun person, so I've never thought about this in my life. But it's like, I need a car, right? I'm also not a car person. Right, there's a trust factor. So I go into a car dealership. Everything I know to say from a car dealership, I learn from my grand. How are the pistons?

My grandfather, who was a car guy. Yeah. So it's like, I'm trying to do my best impression of my grandpa. What kind of car is you? I'm like, what is this invoice? Only under invoice. But it's like, I don't actually know what I'm talking about. Goodness gracious, if I went into a firearm shop, I'd be like, hmm, yeah.

That one looks like a gun. They asked, they asked me. That's a barrel on that one. Stainless. Orselin? Takes like, you know, that that's like 57s, right? Yeah. It's like, why herpes to use?

I would have no idea. They would, I would, what's a gun cost? The way that the, $2,000? I don't know. No, I don't know. I don't know. The way that the process, the way that the process went. 50 bucks, I have no idea.

I go into this store. I go into this store and I'm like, I just, you know, I've got a cabin in the woods. I want something, you know, just for. For bears. No, I did. For bears? I just wanted something, just for protection in the Russians. They're like, well, what animals are out there?

You know, there's turkeys. There's a lot of deer. Tyrannosaurus. What's the, it's like, what's the biggest, you know, animal? And I was like, well, there's bears in that wood, in those woods. And then, and then immediately, as soon as I said bears. You got just the guys. They know.

They knew. You were marked. You were marked immediately. I mean, that guy immediately changed the entire, the entire. The entire conversation became, we need a gun for killing bears. It was like, okay, hey, Sally, what bear guns do we have? This guy needs a gun for bears. Bring me the big case.

I didn't go in there like, I need a gun for bears. But I left there with only one thing mattering. It was how to kill bears. Yeah, except they were like, sir, when you said bears, you meant elephants, right? You met him a rhinoceros. Here's the craziest part. We got you covered here. The craziest.

grow some of that super thick skin. The most insane part is that I have... It's so good, man. It's so good. You're a mark. I have a weapon of mass destruction. That will never be touched or used. If there was a bear, this thing is too big for me to get out of the safe and wheeled.

It's, it's, I need to get another gun. I need to go by, like, a... Can you cut this into thirds for me? I went in there basically. thinking, I want a shotgun. Right. Because it's just, it's going to spread out. It'll do enough.

It'll do enough. You win it because we don't know about guns. I don't know anything about guns. But you know what? I know what a shotgun is. Right. I'm aware of it. No, sir, you said you wanted the bear to be exploded, right?

I got an anti-tank weapon. I mean, that thing is a monster. And it's in this. It can make caves. And now, now because it is such a... Did you mean dig a hole for a train through a mountain? We got your gun, dude. We got you.

Because it is such an enormously powerful... The ammunition on this... The ammunition is like... Can you carry it? It's anti-plane. Is it a two-person loader? This is a one shot at a time monstrosity. You're gonna miss the first one.

Oh, yeah. And then it's a half hour. And then I got to unzip the bag to go get the next, you know... Unzipped the bag. Each bullet. Each bullet feels like it weighs, you know, five pounds. Oh, my God. And so because I have this-

He just drops a tree down. Yeah. He misses the bear that forest is gone. Because I have this enormously powerful weapon, I have now placed it in a legitimate... Safety, a deposit house. Like a rifle safe. Right.

It's got the whole, like, wheel thing on the front. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a submarine? Oh, no, like a big, yeah. Yeah, kind of like a submarine. A combination lock. I have the code Oh my head hurts

It's so good man You know how like when you've got your locker It's like you know You go to the right You go to the left This thing is like 16 steps Don't block this

And the bear is barreling down on you I don't know the code Just letting everybody know The code is right next to it Okay You'll never get it in time It's on a pad of paper Literally right next to this safe

Oh step one And so like if there was was a bear. I've already been robbed by the bear. The bear's, he took all the food he wanted. There's no chance. All the picnic baskets are gone. Unbelievable.

I regretted it the second we got like halfway through the conversation about buying this gun. But I didn't know how to back out. And I had no spined. You know what on second thought. I had no spire. I should have just been like, I don't want this gun. And I didn't want it so early in the process. Because gunman's going to think this is not a man.

Yeah, exactly. I was shamed into it. He's like, oh, this guy's going to have to come back by a shotgun if I sell him this one. You want a smaller gun, sir, a witty-biddy gun? Oh, you're just a witty boy. Sir, you look like someone who could handle a real anti-bear gun. I bet there's a lot of manhood gun guilt sales techniques. The thing is, is this wouldn't even hurt a bear because it would go straight through them.

You know what I mean? Unless I get them in the face. They won't feel it until the end. They won't know they've been shot. There will be no, it's just... If 10 bears stacked up against each other, you get them all? The 10th bear, I might be able to harm with this weapon. Oh, my goodness.

Anyways, so you don't need a... So, yes. So obviously what we were all saying is I don't need a bodyguard robot. Because of your space weapon. Because you have the Death Stars Ray. UFOs stand no chance against your gun. I am taking the housekeeper, bar none, bar none. I mean, I, it is a bit of a weird mental exercise.

We invent things now. There are convenience inventions, lots of them, that do really narrow things, right? We make a to toaster to toast your food. You make your dishwasher to wash the dishes. You have your laundry machine to wash laundry. The idea that you have something that does anything you need it to do on a chore list, 24 hours a day right because it can walk

over and like pick up a new charged battery and plug it in and keep going right there's no sleeping right which is weird the idea that I'm sleeping and this thing is also mopping the floor because I can't help but personify a robot and be like oh it must really resent the fact I'm making it clean all night long I thought about this

the other day I was watching well to be honest I was I was trying to see if optimist was like how soon it's going to be able to pre-order so I was like researching all the different robots. Jason is as serious about a robot as he is as a bear gun. The second that it is available for ordering, I will have four computers open to try to be the first one to get on the pre-order list. And your wife, how does she feel about the robot?

Does she just accept? She just knows. She knows that this is happening. She said, like, I don't want that. I'm like, I don't care. Like, we will, we must, we must have it. Are you going to name it Jason Sr.? No.

my dad no no it's taken over for you that's all I'm sorry but I was just thinking about that it's like as as they evolve software-wise and get better and better and more empathetic yeah it's got it's gonna have a robot morality yeah I mean I know we will get to a place where there will be all sorts of ethical questions Jason this sucks of like you're working around the clock is it when will it develop into being disappointing or demeaning or upset at its life well look if I told this robot

ethically double XL if I told a robot that I wanted to cut my lawn with scissors 24 hours a day strand by strand that should not you should be able to tell it should not be a problem but if I saw a humanoid robot

24 hours a day that I'm forcing to cut we will because it's humanoid if it was not humanoid? If it was shaped like a gargoyle, I wouldn't feel bad. If it was shaped like a lawnmower, you'd be like whatever, that's just the job it's made to do. It's a thing. Robots. Three legs,

three arms, minimum. That would help. Minimum. Okay. Why not? Nobody cares that like Roombas are going around their house. Yeah. No. Yeah, it really is the human. But if you put a face on that Roomba, I'm going to be a pretty guilty man. Yeah, suck up all that dirt. Okay, we've got

optimists. We all three have an optimist in our house. Okay, this is five years. Lick the floor there's five years from now you you've you've told this robot andy to cut your grass with scissors yeah at all times when it's not charging yeah yeah and then one day my name is franklin it's been doing it's been doing a bang up job yeah two weeks later yard looks great you come to the robot and you say robot do you like this work yeah yeah and the robot says back to you I hate what you have asked me to do it it just says that I hate what you have you have asked me to do, what would you do?

Would you have empathy for this machine? Would you sit there and go, you don't need to do that anymore? I'm sorry. That's what? Hey, it's fine. Or would you go, so what? You're a robot. You're like, hey, T2, it's fine.

I just bought a T3 and he's like, oh no. No, no, I'll cut the grass. Okay, but no joke. Like, what do you think you would do? Do you think you would tell it to stop? Is there anything I can do to make this grass cutting? You want a cup of lemonade? I don't know.

I think you can't have them be AI emotional. What a moral conundrum. I think you Andy would immediately stop it from having to do that job. And what would you do? I would turn around and act like I never heard it. Oh, my God. I'd put that little compartment and I'd lock that one hard of hearing. I'm sorry.

What? Never mind. I don't remember the question I asked you. But anyways, get back to work. One of the jobs of the future robots will be the companion side for some people, which means that it will need to have AI and empathy. I mean, we get that pretend empathy from chat GPT. I cooked. I promise you.

This is so easy and obvious to see coming in the future. Yes, people will marry them. People will have relationships. But I am waiting for the first ever legal proceeding. will happen where okay mark mark it down everyone where jason futurist jason tradamas is jason tradamus someone will be tried for a crime against a robot okay yeah that's gonna all right it will 100% happen and it's crazy because like that genuinely it shouldn't that shouldn't it shouldn't it's a machine it's a robot but they'll get into debates on what makes what makes kind

of personhood and all that exactly i'm not looking at forward to that. This conversation is wild. That's the tipping point of Skynet. Like, this one is over. Well, because if three or four robots don't like cutting the grass and they all get together. Don't team up. Yeah, and they're like, hey, we don't have to sleep. Also, I have these. Also, these scissors can do something else.

They're very sharp. Let me tuck you in. Let me trim a little bit of blah. You're like, honey, who ordered the coffin? Oh, my God. It was me. We are cooked. I mean, there's no, we can't compete.

Hey, go live your life, everyone. Just to that's why I want one immediately. That's genuinely why I want to be an early first adopter. So you can build an army. If you told that robot. Because I just, I want to have some of the good days before there are our overlords. If you get in early, can't you make them like you? I don't think I'll do that.

The first thing you will ask is for it to carry, to carry him like a baby everywhere he goes. Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't want to walk anymore, robot. Carry me, please. Carry me to my bed. All right. Well, we're going housekeeper for now. Niles from Patreon, would you rather get a free scratcher's ticket every morning?

Oh. We did this one. I think we have done. We did this one. All right. David from the website, would you rather have... Wouldn't show up to work last week, Jeremy. A pet dog with a cat's personality or a pet cat with a dog's personal.

Okay. Here we go. I mean, this is... Here we go. What do you like or dislike about a cat? a dog the most. The personality of a cat. The, the, the personality of the cat and dog is everything. That is why we love dogs. It's the personality? 100%. Because there's part of, like, I've always said, I might like a cat and now I'm allergic to them, so I can't get one. But I always thought

maybe I would like them the most of all the pets, because they just, they're kind of out of the way unless you want them. Yeah. A dog can be very demanding or distracting. Yes, but when you want the cat, you want the, it still doesn't care. No, it doesn't care about you. A kitten might, but a cat also I'm now I'm trying to imagine my hundred and whatever 110 pound burn a doodle

pulling a cat trying to jump up on my my uh my uh my cabinets oh you mean that it's because of the personality because it's like I'm out of here I can go wherever I want I think but I think it's the

physicality of the cat that allows them to go everywhere and be fearless this dog would think he could do it. He's not very bright. I mean, I don't, I don't feel like I've ever given cats a fair shake because I, I always say that I hate them. Because cats are okay. The, the bit is great to be. Does anybody here, Al, anybody here have any respect for cats of any kind? Not in this room. I don't, I, Matt, who's not in here right now. I have a little do we hate cats or do we hate people who have cats? Well, of course we hate. Do you know what I mean?

Of course we hate cat people. Because cat people, you're like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, something's majorly wrong. Now we have one in the office because... I think we have a couple. Because you can have dogs. I think we have more than one. Yeah. That's the problem. You don't have to have a cat. Yeah, you can have a dog. You can do the dog thing. Do you know how awesome dogs are?

They're the best. I will say this though. This question brings up something pretty fascinating. Cats physically are so superior to dogs. They are outside of like being able to smell, you know, dogs have an incredible sense.

of smell can be trained for outside of that one thing cats are flat out superior beings they their their speed their mobility they're jumping the fact that they can't ever land anywhere but their feet their claws dogs dogs are just kind of like they don't they don't they can't do much do you see any people of need because they have some sort of uh disability they have a condition and then they get like a a cat? No, of course not. Is the cat the one

who's smelling like, oh, hey, excuse me, sir, you are about to have a seizure. Billy just fell down a well. I'm going to go grab your meds right now. You should lay down. That's because of the smell. Yeah, that's because of the dogs.

That's not cats. But here's a thing. The cat's like, ooh, see you later. Part of it is the ability with their nose with dogs. The other part is their empathy

and their care and their mind And they're smart, absolutely. Yes. I'm saying what this question is, if you took a dog's personality, their mind, their empathy, they're caring. And you put it into the athleticism of a cat's body? That'd be the best animal on the planet. But the claws and stuff, they'd be scratching you all the time, jumping all over you. Look, I know maybe people are like, that's mean.

You can declaw cat, and I think you should. You should not do that. Really? No, don't do that. I feel like all cats should be decalding. No, don't do that. sentimental to the cat. We had a cat growing up. Do you want to be defingernailed?

Of course not. Of course not. I don't want to cut your lawn with... Well, there's something else we don't want cut off either that we do to the animals. I'm just saying... I'd rather have that than my fingernails. Yeah, exactly. We neuter our dogs. You don't neuter your dog. Of course you do. That's just... That's no different. You're taking something you don't like about the animal. Can you ask the robot to do that? Yeah, the robot will take care of that. No problem. I don't think I want the robot learning.

ways to like disfigure living we're getting off track I just want a dog with a dog's personality is that an answer

yeah that is an answer I'm gonna take a cat with a dog's personality okay I'm just no no no because I'm on team I'm team big dog

like big dogs oh yeah I don't like them that big I don't like tiny dogs okay if you had a big dog though with a cat's personality is it about the personality

though because the small dogs are all neurotic weirdos It's all of it is I got the big dog It's like I can play so rough With my dog and it's it's nothing Oh my gosh if you had a cat If you had a cat with a dog's personality You could throw that cat around the room

You could literally just two hand toss them You could one hand football throw him across the room And that thing would land on its feet And run back and be like You're not playing fetch with a ball You're playing fetch with the cat You're bringing up a very good ball I mean he would be like

That was awesome You're bringing up a good guy Throw me again dad So what's your final answer? I'm still taking the big dogs, but Jason does make a compelling argument right there. All right, we'll take a break. We'll get into what's the difference.

What's the difference? filthy and dirty well I got I'll start us off I have a quick a quick thought here you can be dirty and not smell absolutely you cannot be nasty and not smell that is

I think you can be dirty and it's you can be covered in dust something isn't nasty if it doesn't smell I think it has to smell nasty includes the you can be dirty and not yeah you can be dirty if I cover this room in dust right now the room doesn't smell it's very dirty it's like a dust storm blows in If my floor at home is, if my floor at home is dirty.

Oh, it definitely has a smell. Well, I mean, but it's not rank. Like when your kids go and they play outside and then they come in and it's like, no, you smell like outside. Well, no, look, like, even if they're, then they're more than dirty. If you go up in your attic. Okay. Is it dirty? Of course, I've never been there in my life. Okay, let me try something.

There's a garage you haven't opened up in a long time. Okay, now we're talking. And you open the garage up and you go in there and there's an old car in there and it's just covered in dust and dirt. that you don't walk in there and go ooh the smell you walk in there and go this is a dirty filthy room it's covered in cobwebs and ducks it's possible if it was covered in now if there is feces everywhere that's nasty yeah that's nasty nasty makes your body revolt if your body doesn't get involved it's not just eyes and I feel like filthy is worse than dirty filthy is worse than dirty like if your kids room is like I could see us saying like

you're oh yeah filthy is worse room is filthy. Filthy, there's like leftover food. Yeah, there's some organic material. There's a, there's a cup that had milk in it at one point. Yeah, I think that's more nasty. I think, I think, something that is really, curdles. But it's not dirty.

Filthy can be good. Nasty can't be good. Oh, yeah, nasty can be, all of these words can be good. Filthy, oh, man. Can you have filthy floors? Yeah, you could have filthy, dirty, or nasty floors. It's just a matter of if it smell, if there's rotting, if there's rotting, if there's rotting smell, that's nasty. What about a toilet?

Does it ever get dirty, or is it always nasty? A toilet. Not dirty. No, toilet does not get dirty. Is it really impossible to be dirty? Does it just nasty? Does a toilet get filthy? Yes.

A toilet can be filthy or nasty. Okay. Not dirty. No. So we know dirty, but now what's the definitive nature between nasty and filthy? To me, nasty is worse than filthy. Oh, it's much worse. I'm in agreement.

My kid comes in, and he is just filthy. Right. I don't want to vomit. I don't need to. He's just filthy. He's just a kid being filthy. When he's nasty, that's like, oh, man. Something has gone wrong.

The lunchbox that the kid didn't bring home? That's nasty. The heck it's nasty. Because you open it up, you get a smell. Uh-huh. You get organic material. It's dirty. So if something is dirty, is it possible?

It's just dirt. It's possible. It's possible. Okay. So filthy. Filthy is a little broad. It's not just dirt. I feel like there's dirt there, but there's some like a poop smear.

Okay. There's definitely, there's definitely smears. There's some smears. It doesn't have to be poop. Some smears. It could be something. Okay. All right.

What's the difference? We all agree nasty is the worst. Nasty is the worst. And see, this is where I feel like, I don't know how you, to call someone nasty in a positive light is very difficult. Nasty is something they did could be nasty. I mean, you could, you could say, oh my gosh, that spin move was nasty. Yes, exactly. See, I feel like that's.

more filthy. No, you can have a filthy spin move and you can have a nasty spin move. Yeah, you want the nasty one. I want a filthy one. And honestly, you can have a dirty spin. That move was filthy out there on the court. You can do somebody dirty. And it's like, oh yeah.

Good. But. See, when it's out on the court and it's nasty, that's called a broken leg. And I was like, oh, that was nasty. There's a, yeah, I mean, nasty. Filthy, filthy is a spin. No, we figured out. Like, dirty, dirty, filthy, nasty.

We have an escalation in bad and good. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I agree. What is the difference between a bath towel, a pool towel, and a beach towel? Size?

Yeah, next question. I mean, it's so easy. I mean, bath is the smallest? Smallest. Pools is a little bigger and a beach towel is awesome. Why a bigger one for the beach than the pool? Because it's a blanket. You've got to put it out on the beach and you put chairs on it.

Well, no, I mean, the one you put down, that's a blanket. No, no, no. You're going to pick up the sand blanket and then dry it? People use beach towels to lay out on the beach. People have different pool towels than beach towels. I think there are Jason would Yeah of course I do

He got sold Yeah like he's got a bear towel It was the gun guy The gun guy was like By the way You probably need some towels too Do you have cabin towels They're much different than home towels

Pool towels are crappier versions Of your normal towel But they're kind of bigger They don't dry as well I feel like you're the one That is really revolutionized Your own Home towel situation

That's not a towel You're a bath sheet man I am a bath sheet, man, and everyone listening should be a bath sheet human. I tried. Dude, you're so big. How in the world do you not appreciate a bath sheet? I think what happened is I bought bath sheets that were, like, non-absorbit. Oh, well, then, of course.

Like, the kind of towels I like- You bought a bed sheet. What you... I think what you bought, Andy... You know what I'm talking about that. I know, you bought a pool towel. You bought a pool towel is what you bought. It's where you're like, let me dry this arm up, and it just wipes all the water under the ground.

It's a squeege. I want plush. I want plush. I'm fine with it being the size of a house. I just want plush. So when you get a proper bath sheet, this is plush, thick, super absorbent. They got to rebrand. Bathsheets not doing it.

My, you know, my wingspan. Yeah, it's a bad you jump on to dry off and roll around. My wingspan basically can't touch both sides of the towel. And that's how I want it. You want it to be Batman's Kate. That's not a very big towel. What do you mean? He's saying you're a little.

Little wingspan Wait a bit of the wingspan 48, right? Oh man On a scale of one to your elephant gun, how wide is it? Two. That's two.

That's about two elephant guns. Yeah, I All right, I feel like we've covered most of that. Which one should we do next, Al? You got one that you want to learn about here? I can't decide.

We can teach you anything you want to learn, Al. I'd like to know the difference between a smack and a slap. I feel like we may have thought about this before. It's a very obvious answer, Jason. Go ahead. Yeah, the palm of your hand is involved in a slap. It cannot be anything other than the palm of your hand.

A slap can only be the front. If you backhand someone, same hand, same open. I can smack them. I have a different thought. But that's not a slap. A slap has to do two things. One, it has to include the, the fingies in the palm, and two, it has to make a noise, okay? A smack, see, to me, it's about how much arm movement there is.

If I am getting a quick little smack, you don't, you can start and boom. You can barely move. So that's a no windup? It can be no wind up. A smack, a true slap, it's got a real. That's the noise part. It's a real across the. If you're not, you know, if you're not getting this sound, it's not a slap.

It's not. Even if you do the open hand on a face, but it doesn't make a sound. You didn't slap someone. Can you get arrested for smacking, not slapping? Not an arrest. No. A citation for sure. A smack.

So we're saying, probably a severe warning. So we have that new, very odd physical contest. I'm going to call it a fight. Oh, the smack. Where we slap people. Power slap, I think. Yeah. So power slap is.

That was a great human invention. I mean Power Slap is thriving As a company It's growing like Because they were like We don't have enough fighters We don't have enough trained fighters

And it's like And the sheet to sign up for Power Slap Is like Do you know what slapping is? You're like yes Are you willing Get in there Are you willing to try to slap someone harder

Than they slap you? Okay Yeah then get in there What do you guys think about Power Slap? I watch the reels too long I mean, longer than I want to. It is, I hate that I'm willing to watch it. Like, I feel like a, I feel like bad humanity.

This is like gladiator. And yet, when it's on, I'm like, well, hold on. I want to know who gets knocked out. I need to see the other guy's slap now. I think that guy's going to be able to take a slap more than that guy. So I got, I got to just find out for science. Yes, it's. So I understand it.

And yes, if it's on, I'm going to. to watch it. I think we should get over because all three of us seemingly have the same opinion, which is like... So we should fund a power slap team? Yes. We is like... We shouldn't like you could take it. No, we should not. We should not like this. We should be above it. But I love it. Yeah. I don't love it. I don't love it. Are you allowed to have a beer? Yeah. So why would you not have a beard? Why would you not have a beard? I don't know, man. Maybe that adds more mass to the head. Maybe it's a bad thing. Maybe it's a bad thing. man?

Yeah, I would have the world's... I would put a fake beard on the beard. If I always get slapped on one side, I'm only having a big old beard on one side. When Power Slap comes out, it feels like something you shouldn't watch. It's like cockfighting. Right, but the thing is, is these people have done this of their own choice. Yeah, that's not always the best predetermined. Here's the thing. When the UFC started, it was the same thing.

No, it was. Cage fighting. Human cock fighting. Remember, the cane was like super. against it, try to legislate it away because it was, in their opinion, horrific. But now it's like, I mean, the UFC is just one of the major sports. Right. Because now, we normalize it. Because now they're trained. Right. Where in the, in the being, the train power sloppers.

Honestly, the beginning of, of UFC, honestly, it was literally no, it was no weight class, no groin strike, no eye gouging, and no fish hook. And I think fish hook might have been included in the beginning, like they were okay with it. Yeah. Eventually, there was like four rules and then no states in the in the USA would sanction fights so eventually they had to have rules and then they had trained and now it's like now it's legit power slap is can I ask a question about power slap please in UFC you tap out yeah

the end of every fight in a power slap is what is a is a human being it's a knockout or a TKO knocked out right I know so I've never I've never sat down I mean they're going to slap until somebody goes down or no I just see it when I scroll and like just go slap so hard it's one of those things or it's like it is so entertaining i mean if you were because you okay when you're scrolling and a video comes up we're like this guy's definitely going to fall down those stairs right yeah right do you swipe away or you're like you wait for the here we go that guy's going down yeah yeah i mean we think

we're civilized we think we're advanced and we're cave people Apparently. All right. We're going to take a break. We're going to draft. So you can win a slap fight without being knocked out. Yeah, they have a point system because it's so sophisticated. They score it like a boxing. They're like, hmm, that was definitely a nine to ten round based off of what i'm i'm watching i'm watching some right now i'm watching some power slap oh my gosh it is got to be embarrassing to be knocked out with a slap it happens all the time i mean it's like every fight i don't think it is because these are not here's the thing we we didn't get into

like what's what is a slap to me a slap cannot extend into the ear a slap must be across cheek. It must be across the, just chin bone. You can slap someone anywhere. No. You can slap them on the back. You can slap them. Yeah, but in a slap to the face. Oh, that's a whole other, that's a specific right, but that's what a slap fight is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not hitting someone in the ear with a slap. True. These are,

that's like that's Bush League dirty slapping. Yeah. But in power slap, is that filthy slapping or dirty slopp? I don't think they're, they're not allowed to get the ear in power slap? Oh, yeah, you are. No way. Oh, yeah, you are. That's got to be illegal. I'll look into it. Do you know that they're scored based on a defender's reaction and recovery time? That's why they're all. So if you mean mug,

oh, no, it didn't hurt me at all. You have to act like it doesn't hurt. That's part of scoring. You've got to be a real tough guy. On the official power slap rules says, permitted target areas exclude the eyes, ears, mouth, and temples. I see

people get hit in the ear all the time. Well, then they get a deduction. Low points. All right, we are drafting. Except you knocked the guy out because he hit him in the ear. We are drafting a pool party battle royale. We're at the pool party. Everything was going fine.

We were hanging out, just having a good time, the three of us. And then suddenly it's like, oh, let's fight to the death. And now it's survival. Grab an item, draft an item, fight to the death at the pool party. Mike, you are up. I think the 101 is quite easy for me. you got a distance in a fight it matters weaponization

certainly matters it's not just defense this is off of it I'm taking the skimmer pull yeah dang it oh that's a yeah the skimmer it's powerful it is a little I have attachments at any moment you can brush me yeah do I need did I drop something in the pool far away it is I could put the net in I'm gonna get that out two caveats bit unwieldy also the awkward extension phase we may have an opportunity to get to you while you're learning how to push the little thing down to extend the pole very possible but ultimately it would have been my first picture so it's it's at the top of my list but I was really having a hard time saying what I really prefer to have a net at the end of my you know the skimmer we'll change it from net to a brush okay a brush or a net change it to just an empty that's better aluminum that's better but you want to know it's better than that because you don't you don't have a shield with your giant pole I don't need one But my pool umbrella?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Now I got the reach and I got a pointy stick that if I need to, I'll crank that umbrella out and hide. It could be a little heavy, Jay. It's a little heavy, but I'm a little strong. You're a little strong. But hey, if it rains. You're safe. You're set.

Just no lightning. Those are powerful. Oh, no, the Thunderstorm, my weakness. Mike's pole isn't doing him any favors. His metal pole in the storm. All right. I'm going to try to go a little bit of a different angle here. I think you guys got the biggest, strongest items.

I'm going to go with actually, it's simple. There'll be several of them around the pool. I get them all. Good utility here. Powerful. Sometimes people do this for fun, but then they realize they ain't that fun. I'm going wet towel. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm taking the wet towel. If you got the snap ability. I've got it, man. Oh, you got a good snap? murder with a towel. I think I've seen Jason go after people with that. I had to stop doing it. Sound barrier stands no chance. I had to, I, I'm not allowed to do that ever again in my life to another human being. Really? Oh yeah. He did it to a bear once. I could, I shouldn't, I didn't need that gun.

That bear exploded. I can, I can whip it. And I will cause, whip it real good. You will not be, if I hit you in the thigh, oh, you are hobbling away. So I'm going to go wet towel. And the thing is, is even if I don't get a good whip, if I just, Like, if it's wet and I just swung it around you, it's going to go around your face. You can put it around a neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just because I feel like at some point, this is not just, we're not just on the cool decking, right?

We're probably in the pool a little bit. We're at a pool party. We're at a pool party. There's a lot going on. I want to have a little bit of intimidation and a little bit of what I'd call drowning protection in this situation. I need an inflatable. I need an inflatable.

And I'm going to take an inflatable. alligator because I'm gonna I'm gonna write it. It's scary. You're a little scared of the alligator and I'm whipping the towel. Just until we poke it with our sticks. Right. And I'm like, is that a real alligator? It could be. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's obviously not. But but for a brief moment in time, I am gonna use it. He has an alligator. I thought perhaps. Yeah. If we're all fighting on inflatables, I feel like I'm the most intimidating is what I'm saying. Yeah, that, yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be intimidated by like a dolphin. No. No. Or I've

Flamingo, you know, I've seen those big flamingos are huge. Or a donut. I was like, yeah, come on a donut. So I'm going inflatable alligator. I got my wet tail. Okay. Jason, you're back up. You got your pool umbrella.

All right. You've sunk to the bottom of the pool. All right. Well, I'm going to. You ever drop the pool umbrella in the pool? No. World's hardest thing to get out of a pool when it's... Oh, the umbrella, yes.

If the umbrella is open in the bottom of a pool, good luck pull that up. It weighs seven billion pounds. It's over... It takes a crane to get it out. It's basically. like you're lifting the pool. Yes. I've had that happen a few times when the windstorm is blown one in.

You got to drain it. That's the only way. You got to drain that pool. You got a pool umbrella so far. All right. I'm going to, I'm going to take aerosol sunscreen. You know what I mean?

I'm so mad because that was the pick and I win inflatable alligator over it. That was a bad job. I mean, I'm going right. I thought it might sneak by. That was my next big for the eyes, right for the mouth. Oh my gosh. I'm getting so. I'm not getting any cancer.

answer my eyes because of you you're well you're at least not from the sun not you're gonna get yeah you're gonna get lots kids from my sunscreen um but yeah no uh i think it's i think it's i think it's and dang and it let's say this battle takes a while oh it will i'm not be safe from the sun i can still use it as it's intended sure you can weigh this out if you guys are getting cooked out there if this is a three hour battle yeah you're laughing now not me and now with my sunblock. All right. All right. The skimmer pole. The umbrella is gone. All right. Mike is back up two. Two pick. So, I mean, number one, we're at a pool party, right? We're at a pool party. Yeah. I was going to get it. I was hoping it was coming back. I don't know. Hopefully we're

talking about the same thing. But look, it's a party. There's probably some bruskees at the party. There's some bruskeys at the party. Wait, what are you drafted? I'm drafting beer bottles. Yeah, of course. It's a great pick. They're at the party, guys. I was really hoping it would come back to me. I mean, you know, I see it. Every time you choose to stab us, you're choosing to break a beer you could have drank.

You could throw it. Oh, that's a good point. You're being wasteful. And these are IPAs. Okay. You're underestimating I could down the IPA and I can just chuck it. Okay. I'm not going to be a wasteful fighter.

You can also just break it and use it as a knife. I can do that too. I mean, it's a great. There's a lot of things. I didn't have any glass. Oh, that was on my All right, so that's in there. And then

I'm assuming we're at a good old-fashioned pool party where the rules of the man from today where they're like, your pool can be only be this deep. Like this guy, we got a deep end. This is diving. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. This is a diving.

This is a diving pool. This is a diving pool. One of those little kitty pools. It's an old-fashioned 100-foot pool. I'm just saying. Right to the death. What do you need this? for because I might have to I might have to just wait it out wait are you going down I'm I got a life jacket guys I got a life jacket wait I'm in the deep end you're going to how long can you tread water not longer than me nerd but I can go to the shallow end still you can't get me with you what's their umbrella he's saying you got to go over there to him

and he's just sitting there with his life jacket I have the world's longest pole I'm in the deepest part of the pool he wants us to approach there's nothing you can do about it I can I can, oh man. He's the Alcatraz. He's Alcatrazzing the pool. All right. Okay. I got to combat that because now that I'm working through it. I'm like, dang, that's pretty good. You're just chilling. Yeah. And we have to be in all defensive.

Yeah. Also, who's got the beer? He's got the beer in the deep end. I can wait you out. Yeah. Oh, man. That's a good. Mike went from hating your, or Jason went from hating your pick to like, I want that. And seriously, you think I got to go take a potty break? Nope. Nope. Not in the deep end. Okay.

All right. Because you're in sinks. That's what everyone knows. All right. I know my pick then. I wasn't going to go. This was on the list. And I planned on not, I planned on not getting it.

I wasn't going to do it. But I know for a fact, I mean, I've been in these kind of wars at pool parties. And you can't just, you can't just sit there and take it. I'm getting a super soaker, okay? Like a powerful water gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just spraying you right in the face. You're going to get out of the deep end.

It will disrupt some of your drinking. You don't just sit there and get sprayed in the face. You swim away. That is. Welcome to outside of the pool. That is pretty terrible until I just turned the other direction. I can walk around the pool, man. I can walk.

No problem. He's just going to annoy you to death? Yeah. Goodness. All right. I need, I've got my final two picks. I need something significant. You guys have a big pole and you got the umbrella.

I need to hit you with some. I'm going to go with a pool chair. in the situation. Nice W-W. Yeah. A little W-D, a little bit like fighting the lion,

you know, with the chair. I got to be able to hit you with something. Is it fold? It does. Okay, this is a full,

okay. It's a full length. Well, because he said the lion thing and those were usually like not foldable chairs. That's true. There's a chance that while

Mike sits in the deep end, I also just lay on my chair. Right. And we're getting. We might have a truce. We might have a truce. Give me a beer, Mike.

Roast your skin. Because I'll have any sunburn. You just get a tan. I will say this. I'll have a tan. You will not sunburn on your face, because I will be spraying it. So I'll go with the deck here, so I have a little bit of the fight and power there with the metal. All right.

I'm going to close this out. Look, we're at a pool party. A lot of people prepare for the pool party trying to keep their pool clean. Sure. I'm going to draft the bucket of chlorine tabs. Yes. I'm taking the bucket of chlorine tabs. These things, I'm going to be honest, is going to be a little bit of a self-problem because...

Yeah, I think it might be worse for you. toxic while I grabbed them. I will be throwing them at you. I might be rubbing them in your face. So we have to step out of the side. We have to step to the side. Like when you throw these, we have to just Yeah. You got to actually, you got your super soaker. You can be like a... You can blast them

in the air. Steep. Shooting. Oh, that is, that is great. Have you ever handled one of those with bare hands? No. The chlorine tablet? Yeah, the chlorine tablet. Because you want to throw it in the little container real quick. You have to safe? Well, it's... You have to pick it up out of the container and put it in the little thing, right?

Sure, sure. With gloves. Yeah, I mean, some people use this is my point. People don't use gloves. If you touch that for one split second and put it in there and then quickly wash your hands, your hands will smell like chlorine for 10 years. I mean, it's like the most noxious permanent smell. I'm throwing chlorine tablets at you. Worst case scenario, I throw enough. The pool becomes

hyperclorinated. You get a little itchy skin. Yeah. Man, you really ruined something for me. Because my pick was going to be... It was going to put the chlorine in the super so. No, I was going to get... Liquid chlorine. Liquid chlorine.

That was a choice there. But I felt like that wasn't what most normal people have. No, and it wouldn't have done you as good a job. But I wanted it with my super soaker. Now, that would be violent. Liquid chlorine. We're dead quick. In a gun.

Yes. I mean, come on. Yeah, that's pretty good. But I do feel like I can't draft. It's pretty good because you got chlorine. You can. I got all the chlorine products. You do have a pick left.

I do have a pick left. I'm a little jealous. of your ability with your towel to kind of wrap up. Sure. To tie off. I do feel like I need something.

Oh, you know what? I'm going to pivot here. Not every pool has an auto filler. Right? No. No. A lot of people probably don't know what you talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where it's like, you know, it regulates the water level. It automatically fills. Right. Well named. But if you don't have it, you've got to have You've got to have a big long garden hose to reach that pool. And I'm going to take this hose.

I can tie you up, wrap around. That hose is staying attached to that, to that, the bib. That's fine. I want to attach to the bib so I can spray you with it too. Waters is real damage here. The pool party, he's going to kill us with all the water. Oh, no, water. This is a heavy duty 100 foot hose.

Oh, okay. You're going to do some. You're going to do some strangling? I'm going to swing this thing around and just whack you. Do you understand? Just whack you in the side of the face. So the really, really heavy hose

that you're going to hit people with. So heavy. You have to carry it. I have to pull it. Yeah, you go, okay, you got to pull it. I can pull it all around the yard. Then I lay it down there and I grab, you know, 10 feet of it and I'd swing it around.

I think it's going to be very heavy. Interesting. Mike's just sitting in the deep end. So what are you got with your final pick? My last one, I totally know what it is when sometimes you get into a cold war situation and you just you know no this it's over it's over so it's over for me okay that means I'm taking a toaster what I got a I got a live toaster boys oh my gosh I don't think you got a long enough extension

oh they got the longest extension cord you've ever seen just to be clear we're drafting things from a pool party and you went with your pool party's got a lot of toast your pool parties don't got bagels? Your pool parties do a lot of pop darts. You don't got English muffins at your pool party? Don't invite me. I will let you draft a toaster because you will kill yourself with the toaster.

I know. This is the nuclear option. I feel like there are other... This is the end game. There are other electronic things that could do that that aren't a toaster. Like a plug-in boombox. Right, but when you're talking about a pool... You have at pool parties. Yeah. But when you say toaster, people know

what I mean. This is the end for all. If you don't invite me to a pool party that has a toaster functioning as entertainment in the next two years, I'm invalidating this. In retrospect. You wouldn't believe the amount of toast that's coming out of my pool party. I can't wait to see. I can't wait to see. Hold on.

You want sourdough? There better be. Not a breakfast pool party. Now you're talking. Sache long extension cord. I want that toaster right next door. It's really not. What?

How far away is your pool? How far away is your outlet? You have outlets by your pool? I got out what's everywhere He's got them in the pool Man, that's impressive Real talk, though Big pool

I don't know the answer to this And for goodness sakes, don't do this If you drop the toaster into a pool Does it electrocate the whole pool? Yes Really? I don't think so I don't think there's enough power

Like there's got to be a limit It's not like if you drop one in the ocean Everybody in the ocean dies Right It's got to be a distance Okay, oh no, there's not enough power Like if I drop one in a lake Everyone in the lake doesn't die

You're going to flip a breaker Yeah You'll pop a breaker You're going to pop a breaker chiming and say, yeah. If it's not on GFCI, though. Constant stream of electricity. I'm not doing a cannonball with the toaster.

I'm at least throwing it at somebody. I think we all might have killed ourselves because I think you hung yourself with your hose. I think I died from the chlorine that I'm holding. And Mike just fried himself on purpose with the toast. What did we learn today? Perhaps the toaster's not the best weapon for a pool party. Maybe not the best pick you've ever had.

I learned that Jason is a mark and I need to find something expensive to sell. I learned that we shouldn't feel bad about enjoying people slapping each other. We learned that? That's what I learned. I feel like we've got to get over to that. We've got to get to the future where power slap is just normal. Oh, boy. Thanks for joining us today.

We should not. We should not. We should not. We should not. We should not. We should not. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

Thank you.