Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Smell Your Feelings & Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Do not miss this episode! A round of Would You Rather gives us some VERY interesting insight into Jason’s buying habits, a surprise show sponsor arises and we wrap things up with a Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. HAHAHAHAHAHA! YES! YES I DID IT! HAHAHAHA! YEAH BABY! HAHAHAHA!

Take that, spit wadz! Uh... Turn and heal! Hey uh... Andy, did you push your button? No! HAHAHAHA! That's not what happened.

Oh, it's not. No, no, I pushed his button and I held it down. Suckers. Jason reached over and I started an amazing legendary scat and Jason reached over and pushed the mute button in his effort to get rid of now. Man, here's the dilemma. I know you have it. You have, I can unmute it and post if we want and it'll be there or we can let Jason's

shenanigans ride See the thing is is I didn't even hear myself scat. No, I couldn't hear it either Yeah, it was and it was um, I'm bet it was amazing. It was I have no it was amazing Andy we'll have to make a decision cuz it basically at this point in the show Oh, the people are so, the people are big mad. People are big mad at me. They've either heard it because we put it in, because he's got it.

Hmm. Or do we just play it now? You know what I mean? In post. Oh, you mean right here? Right here. No, don't do that. Don't do that.

Whoa, that was so great. Jason trying to ruin the scat for everybody. What a goofster. I think we need to look. The scat itself is not going to go away. The scat itself to intro the show is absurd. It's stupid. It's usually bad.

And I just get to have my fun with it for a week or two. That's it, don't worry about it, fam. We're good. It's totally not going away. All I did was feel the guilt that I hadn't pushed the button before the show started, and Mike immediately thought that I had messed it up. And that would've been way funnier.

Than Jason Sabotage? Yeah. Yeah, welcome to the Spitballers episode. That was pretty funny too. 320. Would you rather, that's a great question, we're drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. So what devious plans that you have concocted

to wake somebody up in the morning. Which look, we all have teenagers, which look, waking a teenager up, I might need to use three or four of these. Oh yeah, I mean, there is, and you'll do it three or four times each morning. You'll wake them up once. That's the worst part of it. I don't mind waking somebody up one time. No, that's fine.

Eight times is too much. Yeah, I can't stand when I have to get up to wake them up. And it's like, I didn't want to get up this early, but I know you need to be up this early and you're not going to. I woke up to wake you up and then I this early, and you're not going to. I woke up to wake you up, and then I come back later, and you're back asleep? Bro, the worst, the absolute worst. Like, don't go back to sleep. No, oh, not much makes me as furious

as the child has gone back to sleep. What? I'll get ready. To be fair to it, I can't even tell you how many times I did that as a That's what you do. I just want to be for forthright if you invent a bed that literally goes from horizontal to fully stood up The Jetsons is that what they did? Yeah So that's right the bed and then goes up and all right But if the bed moved up over a five- period, there's no way to fall back asleep there.

That's genius, Andy. Just fully stand the bed up till they get knocked out. They do the things with like the lights where it's like the light alarm clock and it'll just kind of brighten up. That doesn't, my kids could sleep through me shining a light right in their face. Yeah.

They can't sleep standing up. That is brilliant, Andy. Well, we'll see, we'll see. We'll see. I think we've got some good ideas on bad ways to wake people up on today's show when we get there. Let's start here, though. Would you rather? Chuck from the website. To save your life, would you rather have to catch a 15 plus yard reception in the NFL against an NFL cornerback?

Or make- Just hold on. Okay, okay, okay. Or make contact with an MLB baseball pitch and make it to first base. And make it to first base? In both cases, you only get five attempts. That is, for us, you can disagree,

but if you disagree with me, you're 100% wrong. Okay. Give us five chances against a Major League Baseball pitcher. We will go 0 for 15. There is no, there is no chance that you're that- Just fastballs though? It doesn't matter. No, let them, they're pitching what they want.

Sure, you go, okay, I know a fastball is coming down the center. If you give me 15 pitches down the center, I will hit the ball. No, you will not. I 100% will hit the ball. You will not. I've done it in cages. You've hit a 90 mile an hour ball?

I've made contact. I felled it off. You have to make it the first, bro. I realize that. I'm just saying, like, your brain does speed up. You can swing earlier. The hardest thing in sports is hitting a ball. I can't out-athlete a cornerback.

No, there's no way you can out-athlete. I mean, you see these NFL. You can cheat, though. By pushing them? Yeah. You can try and get away with something. I do think it's more... You're not hitting a ball.

It's probably more likely, because NFL quarterbacks, while they are hyper-athletic, they are shorter than me. Yes. Yeah. So there is a chance that they tip the ball and I catch it off a tip, or I poke them in the eye and I grab the football.

You've also got the box-out position. Like, you know, I've got some meat on me. I've probably got weight on the cornerback. So I could maybe do the Antonio Gates turn around and just rifle it in here five times and hope I will have zero separation. I still think that's more likely than five attempts at a pitch.

I'm not hitting five attempts. So I know you played baseball, Andy. I never played such a boring game other than like in grade school when you were forced to Stand in the outfield and do nothing and then sit in the dugout when you've got the ball nothing I thought how many? Sports are you terrible at therefore call boring. I don't know if I'm bad at baseball. I just didn't play it I would probably be excellent

But I would imagine that if I were to face an MLB pitcher and I forget making it to first because now we got to deal with sprinting and that's not my jam. I think it would take me 100 pitches to hit a ball. Like if they were really trying, if they were really, really trying to, I mean, I believe I would do as good a job if my eyes were closed. Timing it up, just going like, you know,

if someone told me when to swing, and then they just say, okay, try it now. You played softball, right, with us? Did you play, oh no, no, you just don't play. You just don't play that sport. I don't, I don't. Slow pitch softball is right, with us? Did you play some? Oh, no. No, you just don't play. You just don't play that sport. I don't. I don't. Slow pitch softball is very fun.

Oh, I'll bet that is much more fun. I have looked. I have asked the AI overlords. This was the prompt. What is the normal batting average for an MLB hitter? This is a professional baseball. Average? Let me try to guess it.

OK. The normal or average batting average for an MLB hitter tends to fall around? 240 to 260. 240 to 250. OK. Woo! Which means a professional who spent their whole life.

One in four. They spent their whole life training and getting ready to do it 25% of the time. This is why I added the nuance though of like, is he throwing fastballs down the middle? Because a baseball player, when they take batting practice with fastballs down the middle, they don't bat 240. They bat about 900.

So if you just went to a batting cage and set it to 90 and gave me, or us, I believe you too, and you gave us 25 swings, I think you'll get one yeah yeah if it's just fastballs down I'm talking about tip I'll give you a foul if you close your eyes you will not did you did you did you see the one where the guy from dude perfect was like he he tried to hit I think I saw some of I did not practice yeah batting practice tried to hit a major league pitcher and basically do this, and he did.

But he's all, like the main guy was up here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a perfect dude. He's able to, he's like a super sneaky, really, really good athlete. If you give me more than five hits of swings, I'll hit him. I would love to go to the cage and put it at 90 and see how you do. He is

confident that I will fail. I think I would be on your side. I think on a batting cage that's just identical balls. I need a few minutes to speed things up in my head. I don't think I could stand there. I don't think I could swing. Forget swinging. You will get tired swinging. No, no, no no he means being intimidated by I think when that ball is coming at me my back is turning that ball comes fast did you see that it's it's possible I can't even 90 I could not imagine that's fast Larry faster bullets like that's not how faster bullets faster than 90 yeah they can go like a hundred yards in a second are bullets faster than 90 yeah they can go

like a hundred yards in a second well much faster than a baseball is serve from a tennis player yeah but there's a lot more distance like 160 miles an hour so it's soft um 500 feet per second is a bullet speed. I need an MPH. Yeah. How fast are bullets in miles per hour? 409 to 7200. Wait, 409 to 7200? 409 to 2727. Even that's quite the range. That's still, yeah. Alright. Yeah. Well, I'd rather get hit by the 2000. Good night. Alright. Larry from the website, would you rather get four hours of continuous sleep or eight hours of sleep, but you wake up for five minutes every hour than drift back to sleep? So I think there's two questions here. One is which is actually better for you. And the second one is which is more annoying. I feel like

you're never going to feel rested with just four hours. Do you? But I would feel rested. How long does it take to rim? How long do you have to be asleep for that? I don't think you have to be asleep that long to rim. No, I don't think you have to be. Probably 30 minutes you can rim around there. You're not going to... You're gonna have...

If you wake up every hour, the combination of REM and deep sleep will be crushed, but you're probably still better getting eight hours of sleep where you wake up every five minutes. Or every. I mean, do you sleep through the night? No. I don't sleep through the night.

No, I wake up many times. I have a wake up like probably once or twice. Yeah. It's either a bathroom break, it's I'm sweaty, you know, cause we like try to crank, Someone fix this problem for me by the way. Give me the solution to this. Okay. This is my newest. This is what we're here for. This is my newest forty and over problem. We, it's healthier to sleep with colder temperatures. This is proven. Yeah, it's great. So we crank it down a little bit. Now we don't go crazy, but it's a few degrees down.

And so it's very, very cold. The air is running. Are we talking a sub-70 here? What are we talking about? No, no, no. No, like 72, 71, 72. Dunne the Moors. You're a sub-70 guy, right, Jay?

Well, I've got a whole other thing, which is probably my answer to Andy's thing. Sorry. I know. It's nother thing, which is probably my answer to Andy's thing. Sorry. I know. It's my bougie bed. Dude, this guy. To go with his bougie socks and bougie pajamas. Get your question out because it's probably the answer to your question. By the way, you usually interrim 90 minutes after falling asleep, so that would be a problem.

There you go, Mr. 30 minutes over here. But- He said, usually. a problem. There you go. Mr. 30 minutes over here. But help me fix this problem, because we crank it to be cold. So when it's really cold, it's nice. So I put the covers on. But the way an air conditioner works is once it hits the temperature, it stops blowing air. So at that point in time, I'm too hot. What's going on with your fan?

See, I knew you were going to go there. It's not on. America hot what's going on with your fan I see I knew you were gonna go there it's not on America it's not on fans in every room is that you sleep with the family can't turn our ceiling fan on never been off so this is not on we can't turn our ceiling fan on and Mike I don't you made a face I spent my entire life sleeping under a ceiling fan that is on. Yes. Because it's wonderful, it's delightful, it's an improvement. The ceiling fan, we moved, we moved about a year ago. And the ceiling fan in my new house is taken from a Boeing 737.

The lowest setting on that thing is going to fly away. My roof will leave. It is, there's something wrong with it. We can't use it. It's unusable. And if you turn that thing up to high, it's just watching. Just hold down the covers because it's flying off you. We're out of here! I don't know why it's this way, but that fan is like, I might as well tape down the light switch. You have like a bed that you took a mortgage out to get.

So you have the bougie bed and you didn't think like maybe we just swap the fan out in 10 minutes? I hate to break it to you Andy, but I don't need no fan with the bougie bed. I'm telling you, it's, because what you're talking about is okay, you got the covers on, what do I do about the temperature? What if the bed created the temperature for you? And if you get too hot, it cools.

You sound like you're doing a podcast ad right now. I know, I know. Not a sponsor. No, you will not say the name of it. Yeah, I will not. You're darn right, because they should be a sponsor. And I will sell a lot of your product. You know who you are. You know who you are. No, no, no. Say it right now, but Al will bleep it. Oh, that's right. That's right. And I'm going to cover my mouth for them. And do it like an ad, but have him bleep it out. That way they know what they're going to get.

Oh, OK. Well, listen to this. Oh my gosh. Is an incredible product. Not only will it help you sleep more, it is proven to add extra hours to your sleep. Are you saying you have a? I'm saying I have a.

By covering your mouth, Andy. Yes, I have a. covering your mouth Andy yes I have a Jeremy's like oh my gosh I have so much beeping anyways that product's incredible yeah however hot you get it'll cool down also it's your alarm clock I don't we have on today's episode worse ways to wake up just you just stop the best way it vibrates and wakes me up with a warm bed. You want to know what your problem is now? Because I've seen it. Your problem is when you travel, you're miserable. Oh, it's the worst.

Because you don't got your bougie bed. I don't have my bidet. You don't got your perfect bidet. You don't got your, you even have your travel. CPAP. CPAP. Yeah. You got the wrong.

You're not going to have your magical flosser you just bought. Which is awesome, guys. Did you buy that? Yes? I got it It is on guys leave a guys. Yes, this show should be called what to buy if you're rich I I need another podcast just products by Jason. Yeah Jason had to go get an Appointment with a dent. He had to leave work early. He's like guys I got an appointment. We're like, oh The doctor appointment an orthodontist. What for? He's like I'm for this flossing machine

To get something to and you got it. Oh, it is unbelievable seven seconds my entire mouth flossed all teeth It works What is this thing doing? entire mouth flossed all teeth. It's awesome. And it works? It's so good. What is this thing doing? Magic, I believe. Is it a string or is it water? No, it's water. It's a water flosser. You've got the built-in toothbrush water flosser. But is it like a mouth guard?

Yeah, it's like a mouth guard. You bite down and then you push the button and it streams jets through each one of your teeth holes, crevices, really powerfully. More or less expensive than your bed? Less expensive. Oh, OK. No, that bed is more expensive. This guy. Dear goodness, where were we here?

The rim sleeps. The rim sleeps. I don't know, I'm looking. Do you need rim? Yes. Genuinely, do you have to? Would you die? No, no, no, you won't die,

but I don't think you'll ever feel- But like, so eight hours, if you woke up for five minutes an hour, you'll never rim, and you're saying, you think that would be worse than rimming over four hours? I mean, think about the, when you have a newborn, that's what's happening. Yeah. Right.

You're waking up like every hour, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes longer, sometimes mom has to feed, sometimes dad's gotta go warm up every hour, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes longer. Sometimes mom has to feed. Sometimes dad's got to warm up a bottle, that type of stuff. It's because you're not getting the continuous sleep. I'm pretty sure you can do a naps schedule, if you wanted, in a 24-hour period, as long as you're taking two to three hour naps every so often?

What are the famous inventors, I feel like Benjamin Franklin or somebody was on that schedule. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it was Franklin. He would do the little teeny naps. That guy did a lot of stuff. You know there were people that tried to spark ideas with their naps, did you ever hear about this?

They would sit in their rocking chair and they'd hold on to a coin or a pencil and they knew that once they fell asleep, they'd drop it because they wanted to be woken immediately upon falling asleep because they believed that sparked creative ideas, like inventors. Really?

Yeah. Because I feel like that moment when you're falling asleep, at least for me, I always call it, I feel like I'm in the astral plane or something where your thoughts are making sense to you, but you know that your thoughts are not making sense because it's just this weird primordial ooze going on in your brain.

What I'm seeing about Benjamin Franklin is that he followed a strict sleep schedule. Maybe it wasn't Franklin. 10 p.m PM to 5 AM. There's somebody did. That's pretty healthy, Ben. So how about this, Jeremy? You didn't even have your bed.

Instead of being like... Probably slept on a piece of wood. Hey, morons, you got the wrong guy. Find the right guy. How about that? I'm with you. Come on, deucers. I believe it's Thomas Edison.

Okay, there we go. Yeah, oh wow, what a far cry. Oh, he knew the answer. Probably stole that idea too. Deucers be deucin'. Edison reportedly only slept three to four hours a night considering sleep a waste of time. But then he also used napping and a unique technique.

Yeah, I'm doing the eight hours. That's my final answer. I'm not doing no four hours. Four hours is just plain not enough. I already know that. If you don't get naps during the day, you cannot do the four hours. And I still think I'm getting into REM. Because I think I'm gonna continue

from where I left off after five minutes. You know what, I don't think you're sleeping eight hours through the night, waking up for five minutes each hour and never getting into REM sleep. I'm with you. Well, how about this? Leonardo da Vinci reportedly took 20 minute naps every four hours, known as what?

The Uberman Sleep Cycle? That is correct. All right. Da Vinci. You're going to argue with Da Vinci? Hey, if it weren't for Leonardo da Vinci, I mean, that guy was great in the Titanic. Busted. Leonardo da Vinci. I mean, that guy was great in the Titanic. Oh, so bad. Oh.

Busted. There goes our last listener. You couldn't even make it through. I could. I couldn't make it through. He even tried to say the full name out loud to see how close it sounded and still went with it. It was pretty bad, man.

You needed, you had to pull a different movie than Titanic. Yeah. You had to be like, what? Yeah, yeah., yeah, that would have been a deeper Shutter Island What is what is he most what is Leonardo DiCaprio most famous for that is I would think of two movies Romeo and Juliet and the Titanic I think Titanic we're old and catch me if you can catch me if you can oh man, oh and What's the stinking? Kali the Gatsby great Gatsby no he was in that but that's not it because he was Gatsby once

What's upon a time in Hollywood? No, it's the mob mobbing oh? Is awesome yeah the part is great wolf of Wall Street and a bunch of others. What's your final answer, boys? Leonardo DiCaprio. You both didn't answer. That's amazing. I'm taking the eight hour. Al, should we move on?

Or do we go for one more? Let's move on. OK. Praise the Lord. That's a great question. I can't believe you muted my scat. I can't believe you muted my scat. Oh, man. And does he have his arms within range of your mute button?

I'm a foot pedal. I got him. Yeah, he could arms within range of your mute button? I'm a foot pedal. I got him. Yeah, he could definitely get my pedal. But what I was going to say, did anyone actually, because we do a spitball or secret, sometimes there's some accidental footsies over here where I'm going for my pedal and I give Jason a little tap and I'm like, oh!

But did anyone actually see Jason pushing the button? No, I had no idea. I was pretty sneaky. You could have gotten away with it. Oh my gosh. Yeah, you could have let it go out. You could have just, you could have played full dumb of like, yeah, what happened? Oh my gosh. And then I reached over and felt his finger. But the problem is if I did, okay, well yeah. That's worse than the putzies. That's way worse. You go for your mute button and there's a finger on it. It was creepy. Yeah, but that

wouldn't have worked because then they would have just fixed it in post. I don't know if they fixed it in post, but I hope they didn't. Or we would have fully stopped the show, they would have rebooted all of the tech and you could have done it again. You missed a huge opportunity. All right, Sawyer from Patreon's great question. If you're in the process of cooking breakfast for dinner, are you making breakfast or are you making dinner? OK. Oh.

OK. OK. I know how we're in. Now this is the good stuff. So my initial reaction, I'm going to throw it out there. I want to get your response. You're making dinner. I mean, so I'm making dinner.

What's that? You're making dinner? get your response. You're making dinner. I mean, so I'm a making dinner. What's that? You're a making dinner? Yeah. So we're both making dinner. You're making breakfast food for dinner. Yes. If you're cooking breakfast for dinner. Which by the way, highly, highly, I'm a huge fan of it.

It was the thing as a kid. If my parents made breakfast or dinner, it was like a special, awesome, like we're cheating the system. That is hilarious because it's so much easier to make breakfast foods dinner foods dude yeah eggs bacon yeah toast pancakes you got the pre-made yeah just take out the frozen waffles does cereal count oh yeah so if you have a bowl of cereal for dinner, that's dinner? Yeah.

We've had a couple, I mean there's been a handful of like, let's just all eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. Hmm. And then it is. You almost feel like you're like skipping dinner. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I feel like I didn't eat dinner. It's like a checkbox. I had cereal,

but I didn't eat dinner. But you're definitely making dinner. Yeah, you're making dinner. If I have steak and eggs in the morning, I'm having breakfast. If I have steak and eggs in the evening, I'm having dinner. Now, if you made the breakfast food at dinner time but didn't eat it until the morning, were you making breakfast? Yeah, you're making breakfast. Right? Yeah, for sure. Okay. For sure. This one one we agree. What about dinner for breakfast?

Like if if it's breakfast and if you eat the leftovers from the dinner the night before at breakfast time, are you eating breakfast? That's I think it's still breakfast breakfast. It's just the time of day a time of day question for you guys. Yeah, let's hear it Cuz we my son is adamant about this Let's say you wake up, you flashback to somehow being a teenager, you wake up at 11.30 a.m. You go to your kitchen, it's around noon. Mm, but then you make- Are you eating breakfast or are you eating lunch?

So this just happened? This happens every weekend. Yeah, I mean, it happens a lot for teenagers. My son slept in, like, my middle son slept in really, really late, latest he's ever slept in. And I bought chipotle for everybody at like one. And then he goes, I just ate breakfast an hour ago. That was his response.

Because he had. He got up at noon. His first meal was breakfast no matter what. And he had, well he had. He got up at noon. His first meal is breakfast no matter what. And he had, well he had breakfast foods. The question is really if you wake up at noon and then you eat a sandwich you're probably skipping breakfast and having lunch. I think he ate breakfast. I think it's breakfast. It's your first meal of breakfast no matter what. I don't think it's time of day, I think it's time of your day. Time of awakening. Time of awakening. Because imagine that you are

on the night shift, right? You work during the night, and you're awake during the day, right? So you wake up and it's midnight, right? That's the time you are waking up. You slept all day. You wake up at midnight. Your first meal's gonna be breakfast,

but it's at midnight. Is it breakfast food? No, of course it is. Well, but it's at midnight. That's fourth meal. Is it breakfast food? No, of course it is. Well, then it's fine, it's breakfast. But even if you reheated the leftover dinner for your first meal, I think they're having breakfast. If you woke up late- How much sleep was there preceding the meal?

A regular. A regular sleep. Seven and a half. If there's enough sleep preceding the meal, it's breakfast. Yeah, I think so. You're breaking the fast. I think it is time-based, but not time of day. Okay, yeah, I guess that does think so. You're breaking the fast. I think it is time based but not time of day. Yeah I guess that does make sense. Oh breaking the fast. You gotta have enough sleep to have a fast. Is that where that word comes from? That has to be where that word comes from. Yes of course it is. Well. Neither of you knew that? No. It's breakfast man. It's one word. They don't say break fast. It's breaking the fast. Yes. Breakfast. The first meal of the day is called breakfast because it literally means to break the fast. So why is it not break fast? It

should be break fast. It is. It is in many ways. But we should say it break fast. Have you had break fast today? No, you had breakfast. Yeah. What are we doing? But we should have break fast. We do what we do with words. We say them quickly. You're saying that it's just because you can't say break fast as fast? Because I love break fast. McDonald's has break fast till 10 30 AM. And I think McDonald's break fast is pretty good. It sounds so bad.

Maybe that's why they don't say it that way. Because some guys started it and they're like, no, we got to. We got to. How about breakfast? Let's sharpen that. Oh my gosh. Spectacular. Next great question comes from Carrie on Patreon.

If all emotions had a smell, what would some of them smell like? Okay, let's just play with this. Anger smells like fire or burning. You go on. Oh, are you going to ask? Yeah, I mean anger's gotta be heat, fire. What was I thinking?

In volcano, what am I thinking of? A volcano. Lava? Nope, it's sulfur. Sulfur, thank you, Josh. Sure. I feel like anger smells like sulfur because I don't know, because disgust.

You are burning with anger. Disgust smells like poop. Yeah. Which smells like sulfur. I don't know because disgust. You are burning with anger. Disgust smells like poop. Yeah. Which smells like sulfur. No, sulfur smells like a fire to me. I'm not the sulfur guy. I was pushing the fiery. But I think that the anger has to have an undercurrent of like...

Living smell? Some grotesque to it. But that's the smell of like ash. Joy. Smells like sunshine or flowers? So what is the smell of like ash joy smells like sunshine or flowers So what is the smell of sunshine? Smell that son Right, it's a strong point. I followed only because I went immediately to like when you're out meadow

No, no, you just when you when you're out in the Sun you have your then your skin has a very particular smell We're like I smell like I've been out in the Sun Yeah, oh that's called sweat. No, no, no, no, no not sweat. Yes, Mike You guys need to get more in tune with what's going on with your body great smell Go out go out in the Sun and you're not I'm not talking about sweaty you will have a Roma Yeah, you will have a minute now. I spend 10 minutes in the morning sun every single day. I'm a morning person now. Yeah, before your hike. I've never ever.

Go hiking and smell yourself. I have. I did. I've never had the thought of, I smell like sun. You smell your arm. I will smell my arm tomorrow. Anxiety, what does it smell like? What would anxiety smell like?

Does nervous energy, does it BO? No. I don What would anxiety smell like? That's nervous energy? Does it be- is it BO? No. I don't think so, no. It's not BO. Is it sweaty? If you're really, really nervous, you're fearful. What's the smell of nervousness? Man, that's a tough one. I don't have a good one. Okay, while you think

about this, uh, the quote smell of skin after being in the sun is often described as a warm, slightly sweet and sometimes, it is definitely slightly sweet. Sometimes even slightly musky or sun warm scent and is caused by the sun's UV radiation interacting with the skin's natural oils and bacteria. That's my guy. Okay, so just to be clear, it either smells sweet or musky. So it could smell like anything. Because those are opposites.

But they're not saying anything. They said two very distinct smells. Two very distinct. To me, it's sweet. And it's you do smell sweet and sometimes even slightly musky. It's a little mix. I'm telling you, you will smell sweet.

Envy, I think of green. What smells green? Grass. No, envy needs to be a darker smell. Smells like money.? Envy stinks. It needs to be a darker smell. Smells like money. Just dirty. Ooh.

Oh yes. There's been so much grossness on this money. 100% envy smells like dirty money. Everyone here knows what the smell of dirty cash. Now are we going dollar bills or are we going coins? Yeah, cause coins gotta smell. Either way. The coins, the only problem is the coins,

sometimes you smell the metal. Yeah. I like that though. I think with the cash, you like that? Oh, you like coins gotta smell. Either way. The coins, the only problem is the coins, sometimes you smell the metal. Yeah. I think with the cash. I like that though. You like that? Oh, you like the metal smell. Yeah. Interesting.

Oh man. I don't mind it. I'm gonna write that down. Sadness. Sadness, what does sadness smell like? Rain. But rain smells so good. Rain smells great, yes.

But sadness, sometimes. What about a bog? Does it smell like a bog? This won't be a popular bog this won't be a popular This won't be a popular take is gonna smell sometimes sadness is good So like sadness words, but yeah, I mean like a good cry. I think I think sadness and the rain I don't mind it. I think rain can work disgust. I mean That's pretty easy. I mean, that's just what is that is BO mean, that's just, that is BO. Yeah.

Or poop. Did we work through all of the different, we just couldn't figure out a smell for anxiety. Yeah. Yeah, what smells like stress? Ooh, yeah, what's, hmm. Is it like car fumes? Like I'm stuck in bumping and bumping traffic?

Yeah, I don't mind that. And there's just exhaust. Oh, exhaust. You're exhausted. You're anxious. I like it. Oh my gosh. On the nose.

No? Yeah, I'm saying that joke was on the nose. Oh. But it was also. Oh, oh, oh, that's good. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. We were actually the wrong ones there.

I had moved on. That's a good joke. Thank you. I felt like a fool. Is happiness and joy, are those the same? Yep. Just make it easy. All right. All right. We figured it out. Okay. Let's go with, that's another sleeping question. I'm gonna skip that one. Hunter from IG, if we had another global pandemic and the toothpaste shelves were suddenly empty, what ingredients are you buying to DIY a toothpaste alternative?

Oh, because we've had like the last pandemic, it was toilet paper, that was gone. It was, I still, here's the funny thing. We're four years from when it began, more than that, five. Yeah, going on five. There were like one or two major runs on toilet paper where nobody could get it anywhere. People were buying it on eBay. So I literally have probably two containers of toilet paper that is horrible toilet paper.

Oh, I know what you're saying. And so I bought it. Like a one ply? Yeah, it was like a one. Because it was all you could get. It was all you could get. I mean, I've even got a second funny story where I bought some on eBay and it came the tiny roll and it was Miniaturized. Oh, yeah, they got you. I got me. I got me with mini rolls of toilet paper Hold on. We're talking tiny butts. Would it be the only thing that are we use these normal cardboard tube? Yes, small roll. No, no, not or the whole Thing was strong. It was like a toy for a dollhouse

or the whole thing was shrunk. It was like a toy. For a dollhouse. I mean, it was like. But the picture looked like. And we got tons of them. I mean, tons of them. You know how many you could fit in a box? Yeah.

Because you would be on Amazon, and you'd see 24 rolls of toilet paper with the picture of these rolls. And you can't tell that they're smaller. We both got gotten. Yeah, we did. We got tiny toilet paper. I never even heard of this. Oh, it makes so much sense.

And it would come wrapped in the worst packaging from somewhere in mainland China that shipped this thing off to you. That's hilarious. But I have a couple old toilet paper rolls from one ply that we never used because it came back in stock. But let's say toothpaste goes away. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like do you just go water? You go like baking soda, coconut oil, baking soda is good. I feel like that'd be a thing. Coconut oil is a thing that people do. They do that with their teeth. It's oil out of your mouth would be no, it's really, really good for you. You take you take coconut oil, which is kind of what what consistency oil it's not a gritty goop yeah it's it's like a it's oil no but it's not no it's not oil in the sense that like use coconut oil I mean it's not waxy yeah depends on the temperature coconut oil is not you get it cold it'll be more like a wax when you get it out of the container it's always a wax it's not like an olive oil that pours out yeah but coconut oil you take it out of the container, it's always a wax. It's not like an olive oil that pours out.

Yeah, yeah. But coconut oil, you take it, you take like a little glob, you swish it around your mouth for like 30 seconds. It's supposed to be really, really good for the bacteria in your spit. That's what you should do. So you got the flossing machine, so you had more time during your routine

to do the coconut oil. Exactly. It's got a name. It's like a coconut, no, like, there's a name to swishing your mouth the coconut oil. Exactly. It's got a name. It's like a coconut. No, I... There's a name to swishing your mouth with coconut oil. But... That's for you. It's called oil pulling.

Thank you. Polling, yes. Josh is on fire. Man, when you're that old, wisdom is... I mean, wisdom is... Nah, he's on the Google. Is it? Was that Google?

Oh, you knew that one? My wife doesn't know what I'm talking about. Oh, your wife's pretty crunchy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the baking soda's what popped into My wife doesn't know what I'm talking about. Oh, your wife's pretty crunchy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the baking soda's what popped into my head right away. If I could grab that and mix it with water. Don't people put baking soda on their toothpaste?

No, they do. It's baking soda. The company makes it. Right, Morton's. Arm and Hammer. Arm and Hammer. Arm and Hammer makes it, yes, but I- That's more of a toothpaste mix with baking soda.

Yeah. Not just straight baking soda. What can't baking soda do? Baking soda and vinegar. I feel like they're like, hey, baking soda can take care of that. Just get some of that, we'll do it. That's how I feel about vinegar.

You know you can just. Oh, dude. Dude, vinegar is like. It's magic. It's a miracle. It's magic. Why don't we use vinegar? It doesn't get big press because it

don't make big checks. Yeah, that's right. Now baking soda, by the way, you can just. I'll bet vinegar can fix your teeth. This is not a recommendation, but like, you 100% can just drink a glass of baking soda. Drink a glass of baking soda? Yeah, probably.

You can't drink powder. It's probably alka-seltzer. When you mix it with water. OK, well, there you go. You've got to specify that. I do not. It wasn'teltzer. When you mix it with water. OK, well, there you go. You've got to specify that. I do not. It wasn't a real. You do for me.

Nobody else in the planet were going to be putting dry baking soda in a cup and trying to drink it. Because that would be eating it. Yes. But that'd be. He said drinking. It was implied. The mic is.

All right. I've had to do that before for really bad heartburn. You can do that. So it's like Alka-Seltzer. Yes. Yeah, what can't baking soda do? You've never had to do that before for really bad heartburn. You can do that. So it's like Alka-Seltzer. It's, yes. Yeah, what can't baking soda do? I bet you're like, hey, I'm feeling under the weather. Go soak your feet in some baking soda, you'll feel better.

You taking a baking soda bath yet? Yeah. Oh man, your skin's getting wrinkly. Rub some baking soda on it. Probably, probably. Have you put it on those colostrums? What if you put baking soda and vinegar together? That's the volcano.

That's the volcano. Wait, no, for real? Yeah, isn't it? Yes. Is that the ingredients? You don't know? You never made one? No, I know that there is that thing.

I think I did it when I was a kid. No, I think I did it when I was a kid, but I didn't... That's baking soda and vinegar? If you fill it with baking soda and then you just pour vinegar, it, it, it, yeah. Okay, so the two independent chemicals that are unbelievably perfect. Apparently, yeah. The science teachers are dying. Those two things are so good by themselves that it's too strong if you put them together. Are you dying Papa Josh as a biologist? It really is killing me right now.

If you swish. They're chemical opposites. That's why they both do a good job on both ends of it. If you swish, baking soda with vinegar in it. And your teeth, I mean, how clean are they? All your teeth have exploded out of your mouth. So you pick them up and they're going to be so shiny. Look how clean that tooth is.

All right, we figured it out. Man, we are dumb. I think it's time for us to take a break and draft. The Spitballers Draft. Sometimes we talk about geography on the other podcast, on Accident, and people enjoy the fact that we don't know it very well, especially Jason, around the country, about where things are.

And the best part of that is we will talk about the geography of places we've never been and then we will all settle on the answer. That we figured it out and the answer that we settle on will be wrong. Well. Often. That's what people say. That's your opinion, man. Yeah, that's their opinion.

All right. I'm pretty sure we're right. We are drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. I've got the 101, despite the fact you didn't hear my scat very well. And I'm gonna go pretty chalk here. Okay. I think that the chalk worst way to wake somebody up, it's probably something you're picturing in your head already, it is an air horn at point blank range. Air horn is the number

one on my list. I'm going air horn. I just feel like it is consistent. You're not gonna, there's no messing it up. You're waking the person up. They're gonna hate you for it. That's the point of the draft. Mike, you're up. Yeah, Air Horn was the first one. Wham, wham, wham.

Yeah, oh, and you have to do that. If you just go with, whee, that's no good. You gotta wake him up. I'm gonna go the bucket of cold water. Yeah, yeah, that, I mean, have you ever been woken up that way or woken anyone else up that way? No, because I am a civilized human being. So when we were coming up with these lists,

Andy and I, I think, had an easy time. Mike was struggling. And I think this is because you think of yourself as a civilized human being. You're not a prankster. No. You're not a gag guy. Me, I'll hold Andy's mute button down and get him. So right right right? Yeah

Charlatan and me I'll put poison in your in your drink What yeah? You need the antidote But yeah, I had fun putting this list together. Thankfully, my one on one is still there. Oh, it's going to be a fart. Oh, it's a fart in the face. It's a fart in the face, man. That's pink eye. Yeah, that's why it's a bad way to wake up. Look, that's more of a fringe. That's a fringe choice. Oh, that's that. I mean, you've got to think about what you got to do to accomplish that. Oh, it's very easy. No. Walk to the side of the bed.

No, you're anticipating. Turn around. Blow wind. Their face is not necessarily facing the outside of the bed. If it's facing upwards, you're telling me, I don't want to picture you climbing up on this bed. You're not doing a full squat? I'm not doing a full squat.

Imagine waking them up mid getting ready to fart on them. That's a real awkward situation. I genuinely believe. Go back to sleep. I genuinely believe. I'm mixed squats almost done. You're ruining this, you're ruining it. I genuinely believe, and I'm saying this,

of course, hypothetical, I have never and would never do this. You would do this, but you may never have done it yet. Yeah, one of those things was true. Yeah, one of those things was true. If not both. But if they're laying on their back and their face is not facing the side, works just fine. Works just fine, man. You just go near enough and you give a little... You know what the real joke about that is? What

if you don't wake them? There's just something worse about you just, you go in, you fart, then you walk out, and they just breathe it for a while while they're sleeping. That's the punishment. Move on with, keep sleeping. Oh, man. Jay, were you involved in, as a youth, hitting people with the power sit-up?

Do you know what I'm talking about when I say that? That doesn't strike a bell. No, am I reminding anybody? The strike a bell is not it. The power sit up. Strike a cord? Ring a bell. Multiple people have to be in on the con.

But you have like someone lays on their back. And you hold like a towel or sheet over their head and try and make them, do a sit up. And so you're pushing against the force of someone holding you down. And then you go, hell, your turn to do it. And then you quickly move the towel and that person goes face first into a behind.

Oh. You guys never heard of this one? No, but that's nice. I can see it. But no, I never did. Okay, so you were not involved in that, but that's nice. I can see it. But no, I never did. OK, so you were not involved in that. But now you have a new move. Yeah.

Kids, try it. Jason went fart in the face. I have arrow horn, Mike. Bucket of cold water, Jason has a second pick. I am going to go with hiding a scary clown next to them. OK, so we've all seen. If you haven't seen these videos, they are awesome.

Now, I mean, point of clarity, that'll be, that's not gonna wake him. No, no, no, but I mean. You gotta wait on it. You wait on it, or you can just. That's scaring somebody who's awake. You wake them up with a clown in their face, is the point.

You can wake them up however you want. You're kind of nuzzling them. I'm just saying. Nuzzle. I'm just saying. That's not a word. The videos where people are, you know, they wake up. Nuzzly, crunchy?

They wake up and they look next to them. OK. Right next to them is just scary clown or whatever. A horse's head. But you know, you can do a million things. Just put something scary right next to him Have them wake up to that. That's a good time. Yeah, Mike loves that idea Mike. You have a bucket of cold water What's your next way to wake somebody up? All right the next one?

Man which one of these ones do I go with all right? We're gonna go There was a there was a popular show when we were youths of a group of guys who would do very stupid things and it was really really funny and one of the things, one of the pranks that they would pull on each other, they called it Antiquing. Now this is, I'm just talking to the people at home, they know what I'm talking about and in antiquing was they would just take they'd get a whole fistful of flour and Then just spike it at the person's face

Because it wakes you up and then the person like you look like a statue. Yeah. Oh, I love this idea I love this so so a fistful of power so it's called antiquing Love this so so a fistful of power. So it's called antiquing Wow But that would that'd be terrible. That would be and there's a whole giant mess. The draft is the worst Yeah, no that worse way to wake someone up slap him with a fistful of powder. That's fantastic Okay, well I look I'll I'll go with I'm gonna go with the mariachi band. What? That would be so awesome! No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it would not. Yes, it would. You're now incoherently half awake with four badadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadad That you don't love them or that you don't hate that. As long as it's a regular time book, it's going to startle me. But then I'm going to be getting down to some mariachi music. We got to test this out. I love mariachis. Yeah, apparently we do.

And then I'll go with full volume death metal. We'll go full volume death metal, big speaker. Wake up, wake up. OK. Mike, it is back to you. So you've just thrown a fistful of flour into somebody's face antique to them Yeah And so we have the bucket of cold water and I'm gonna go the complete opposite of this one

This one's gonna take a little bit, but I'm gonna crank that heat up. Oh And then because if it's not gonna wake you up right away You're gonna just probably do the sweat amount comfortable and then you're gonna wake up be like it's not gonna wake you up right away. You're gonna just probably do the, ugh. Sweat him out. A little uncomfortable, and then you're gonna wake up and be like, it's 80 degrees in here. I actually. This is awful. I actually use that as a strategy for waking up

during the school year for my wife and I. Like I set our. This doesn't suck. I set it. It works. I set it to go much hotter. Oh Five or ten minutes before I need to get up because I know We're gonna want to get up and we because if it's cold and you wake up you want to nestle back in the bed My mattress the great

It does that so it goes like five degrees hotter than the room at my alarm clock time Imagine how many sales they'd have if they had sponsored the show. Reach out. BEEP All right, you're up, Jay. Oh, I'm up. You got two. Oh man, all right, well the first one is,

I couldn't even write it. Like it was so hard to write this down. Oh no, you're gonna go with it? I'm gonna go with it. No, it's my last pick. Oh no, it's a tarantula on the face. Oh, I didn't. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I had spider pick. Oh, no. It's a tarantula on the face. Oh. I didn't.

I had spider on the chest, but tarantula on the face is my exact quote on my list. If I woke up in that fashion, I would go back to sleep forever. The long sleep. The long sleep. I mean, my heart would burst out of that chest. The long sleep. The long sleep good night. So that's the worst thing ever.

And then we've got a couple different loud things. You've got the air horn, heavy metal. I think the worst, I think worse than an air horn, because, well, I mean, on par at least, is crash cymbals. If you. OK, the drums? Yeah, if you're just, is that what they're called, when you hit them together? Yeah, the cymbals. That's the cymbals. If you're just, is that what they're called, when you hit them together?

Yeah, cymbals. Yeah, cymbals, yeah. Yeah, the crash cymbals where you, psshh, just one of those right next to someone. That is, those are so loud and awful. Sorry to all the crashers out there, whatever you call yourself. I don't think they're offended.

Yeah, I don't, like Jeremy, what would we call that person? Do you just call them your they're offended. Yeah, I don't like they know me what what would we call that person? Or do you just call them your part of percussion? Yeah, I guess or do it simple. It's like a marching symbolist symbolist marching symbolist This feels too like philosophical. You're a symbolist. Hey, it's Emmy. I think you're right. So tarantula on the face, huh? And then symbols Mike you got your last pick. All right for the final one a symbolist. Yeah, is that what it is? Yeah, all right, or a percussionist but symbolist the last one. This one is a this is a longer Psychological warfare and I'm gonna shout out the late great Mitch Hedberg one

comedian for this I'm just gonna have cinnamon roll candles Light them. Okay. Oh That's not fair They're gonna wake up and be like where's the cinnamon rolls? Oh, man, there are none that It was a ruse the whole time. You idiot.

That's brutal. I mean, in my house, it would be like bacon candles. Because it's a common thing where on the weekend, maybe someone's making- First one up's making bacon? Yeah. Oh my gosh. If I woke up to the smell of bacon- Oh, that's brutal, dude.

And then I come out and it's a freaking candle? You're grounded, whoever it is. It's like, you can't ground me on, I'm your wife. You're grounded. You put a baking candle on. Walking into the kitchen, trying to locate the source of the actual cinnamon roll smell, only to find no cinnamon rolls.

That'd be brutal. Your day's ruined. What a great way to wake up and what an awful way to wake up. Right. Right, because technically that's the best way to wake up and what an awful way to wake up Right, right. That's the best way to wake up. We did a draft the best ways to wake up. It would be Folgers Man is still round. Oh, yeah They're not they can't be doing that great Like they used to be on the TV. They've've gotta have some loyalists between 72 and 81 years old out there. No, you ruined what I was saying.

All right, Air Horn Mariachi Band Blasting Death Metal and I'll close it out with, look, it's not antiquing but it's just as messy. We'll go pie in the face. Now question, question. A pie in the face. With cream or apple. But are you making them do it to themselves? What? No, no, because I've.

The tickle of the face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put the shaving cream on the hand. You put the shaving cream in the hand. I have that on my list. I'm going to just. You're just pieing them. I'm walking in, silently pieing them,

and walking out of the room. All right. All right. I like it. Can you die from that? No, you can't die from that. You can eat your way out Not all of us can

Alright that is the worst ways to wake somebody up. No one went with the hand in the water, huh? No, that's the make you go peepee. Yeah, I Yeah, I was pretty through Look, I did the feather tickle of the nose like keep doing that until somebody wakes up. That's annoying I have just tickling just wake someone up with tickling smelling salts Yeah Wait you have lightning no, I should ride the lightning of the smelling salts. It feels like you got zapped Electrocution. Yeah, the only other one I had was waking them up two hours early That's yeah, that's early. That's brutal.

That's brutal because sometimes you can't get back to sleep. Pull it off with the clock switch just for the room. Oh yes. Just that room. Yeah, you're supposed to be up at six, so you set it to six when it's four a.m., wake them up. They get up, they start getting ready, they come out of their room.

Isn't that in, I think that's in some movie. Someone has to have done that. You gotta get them out the door on the way to work and that's so that when they find out It's when they pull up Go away for the school bus What did we learn today Breakfast is not a very easy word to say now break fast breakfast baking soda should A very easy word to say. No, break fast. Break fast. Baking soda

should Cures all. Yeah, and I- we need it to be traded as gold. Yeah, I learned that I need to protect My mute button while I scat because Jason's trying to strip the world of its joy Which smells like the Sun? Goodbye. Smell it. Goodbye. Sweet Musk. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

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