Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Smell Your Feelings & Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

Spit Hit for Dec 1st, 2025:Do not miss this episode! A round of Would You Rather gives us some VERY interesting insight into Jason’s buying habits, a surprise show sponsor arises and we wrap things up with a Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yes! Yes, I did it! Yeah, baby! Take that spitwads.

Turn and heel. Hey, uh, Andy, did you push your button? No. That's not what happened. Oh, it's not? No, but I pushed this button. And I held it down, suckers. Jason reached over and I didn't even see it.

I started an amazing, legendary scat. And Jason reached over and pushed the mute button in his effort to get rid of Oh, man. Here's the dilemma. I know. You have it. I can unmute it in post if we want, and it'll be there. Or we can let Jason's shenanigans ride.

See, the thing is, is I didn't even hear myself scat. No, I couldn't hear it either. Yeah, it was. And it was, I bet it was amazing. It was. I have no idea. It was amazing, Andy. We'll have to make a decision because basically at this point in the show.

Oh, the people are big mad. People are big mad at me. They've either heard it because we put it in because he's got it. Hmm. Or do we just play it now? You know what I mean? I don't think you can do that. Oh, you mean right here?

Right here. No, don't do that. Don't do that. Oh, that was so great. Jason, trying to ruin the scat for everybody. What a goofster. That's not stupid. Look, look, the scat itself is not going to go away.

The scat itself, to intro the show, is absurd. It's stupid. It's usually bad. And I just get to have my fun with it for a week or two. That's it. Don't worry about it, fam. We're good. It's totally not going away. All I did was feel the guilt that I hadn't pushed the button before the show started. And Mike immediately thought that I had messed it up. And that would have been way funnier than Jason sabotage. Yeah. Welcome to the Spitballers episode. That was pretty funny too. 320. Would you rather, that's a great question. We're drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. So what devious plans that you have concocted to wake somebody up in the morning, which, look, we all have teenagers, which, look, waking a teenager up, I might need to use three or four of these. Oh, yeah. I mean, there is, and you'll do it three or four times each morning. You'll wake them up once. That's the worst part of it. I don't mind waking somebody up one time. No, that's fine. Eight times is too much. Yeah, I can't stand when I have to get up to wake them up.

And it's like, I didn't want to get up this early, but I know you need to be up this early, and you're not going to. I woke up to wake you up, and then I come back later, and you're back asleep. Bro, the worst, the absolute worst. Don't go back to sleep. No. Oh, not much makes me as furious as the child has gone back to sleep. What? I'll get ready. Which, to be fair to it, I.

I can't even tell you how many times I did that as a teenager. That's what you do. I just want to be forthright. If you invent a bed that literally goes from horizontal to fully stood up. You're talking about the Jetsons. Is that what they did? Yeah. Oh, that's right.

The bed goes up and dumps it right into the shower. If the bed moved up over a five-minute period, there's no way to fall back asleep there. That's genius, Andy. Just fully stand the bed up so they get knocked out. They do the things with like the lights where it's like the light alarm clock and It'll just kind of brighten up. That doesn't. My kids could sleep through me shining a light right in their face.

Yeah. They can't sleep standing up. That is brilliant, Andy. Well, we'll see. We'll see. I think we've got some good ideas on bad ways to wake people up on today's show when we get there. Let's start here, though. Would you rather?

Chuck from the website to save your life. would you rather have to catch a 15 plus yard reception in the NFL against an NFL cornerback? Let's just hold on. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Or make contact with an MLB baseball pitch and make it to first base. And make it to first base. In both cases, one of those is one. You only get five attempts.

For us, you can disagree, but if you disagree with me, you're 100% wrong. Okay. Give us five chances against a major league baseball pitcher. We will go 0 for 15. There is no, there is no chance that you're, that. Just basketballs, though? It doesn't matter. No, let them, let them, they're pitching what they want.

Sure. You go and say, okay, I know a fastball is coming down the center. If you give me 15 pitches down the center, I will hit the ball. No, you will not. I 100% will not. I've done it in cages. You've hit, you've hit a 90 mile an hour. ball? I've made contact. I felled it off. You have to make it to first, bro.

I realize that. I'm just saying like, you do, your brain does speed up. You can swing earlier. The hardest thing in sports is hitting a ball. I can't out athlete a cornerback. No, there's no way you can out. I mean, you see these NFL. I guess I could, you can cheat though. By pushing them? Yeah. You can, you can try and get away with something. You're not, you're not hitting a ball. It's probably more likely because NFL quarterbacks, while they are hyper athletic, they are shorter. than me. Yes. So there is a chance that they tip the ball and I catch it off a tip or I poke them in the eye and I grab the football. You've also got the box out position. Like, you know, I've got I've got some meat on me. I've probably got weight on the cornerback. So I could maybe do

the Antonio Gates turn around and just, just rifle it in here five times and hope I can, I will have zero separation. I still think that's more likely than five attempts that have hit. I'm not hitting five attempts. So I know you played baseball, Andy. I never played such a boring game other than like grade school when you were forced to stand in the outfield and do nothing and then sit in the dugout when you've got the ball and do nothing. Quick sidebar though. How many

sports are you terrible at therefore call boring? I don't know if I'm bad at baseball. I just didn't play it. I would probably be excellent. But I would imagine that if I were to face an MLB pitcher

and forget making it to first because now we got a deal with sprinting and that's not my jam. I think it would take me 100 pitches to hit a ball. Like if they were really trying, if they were really, really trying to, I mean, I believe I would do as good a job if my eyes were close. I'm timing it up, just going like, you know, if someone told me when to swing and they just say, okay, try it now.

You played softball, right, with us? Did you play, oh, no. Oh, you just don't play. Just don't play that sport I don't I don't Slow pitch softball is very fun Oh I'll bet that is much more fun I've looked I've asked the AI

Overlords This was the prount What is the normal batting average For an MLB hitter This is a professional baseball average Let me try to guess it Okay this the normal or average Batting average for an MLB hitter

Tends to fall around 240 to 260 240 to 250 Okay which yeah Which means a pro professional who spent their whole life. One in four. They spent their whole life training and getting ready.

This can do it 25% of the time. This is why I added the nuance, though, of like, is he throwing fastballs down the middle? Because a baseball player, when they take batting practice with fastballs down the middle, they don't bat 240. They bat about 900. So if you just went to a batting cage and set it to 90 and gave me or us, I believe you too.

and you gave us 25 swings, I think you'll get one. Yeah, yeah, if it's just fastballs down the middle. A foul tip. I'll give you a foul tip. If you close your eyes, you will not. Did you, did you see the one where the guy from Dude Perfect was like, he tried to hit a. I think I saw some of that. I did not.

Batting practice. Yeah, batting practice tried to hit a major league pitcher and basically do this, and he did. But he's all, you're like the main guy with the beard. He's a perfect dude. that there he's able to he's like a super sneaky really really good athlete if you give me more than five hits I would I would love to go to the cage and put it at 90 and see okay he is confident that I will fail I yeah I would I think I'd be on your side I think I think on a batting cage that I mean I need a few minutes to speed speed things up

sure in my head yeah um I don't think I could stand there like I don't think I could swing Forget swinging. You will get tired. No, no, no. Oh, no, he means being intimidated by the speed. I think when that ball is coming at me, my back is turning. Yeah. That ball comes fast.

Did you see that? It's possible. It is scary. I can't even, 90? I cannot imagine that thing coming at you. How fast are faster bullets? It's not. How fast are bullets?

They're faster than 90. Yeah. They can go like 100 yards in a second. Well, much faster than a baseball is a serve from a tennis player. Yeah, but there's a lot more distance there. It's like 160 miles now. It's soft. 500 feet per second is a bullet speed.

I need an MPH. Yeah. How fast are bullets in miles per hour. 409 to 7,2007. Wait, 409 to 7007. 2727. Even that's quite the range. All right.

Yeah. I'd rather get hit by the 2,000. Good night. All right. Larry from the website, would you rather get four hours of continuous sleep or eight hours of sleep, but you wake up for five minutes every hour,

then drift back to sleep? So I think there's two questions here. One is which is actually better for you, and the second one is which is more annoying. I feel like you're never going to feel rested with just four hours. But I would feel rested. How long does it take the rim? How long do you have to be asleep for that?

I don't think you have to be asleep that long to rim. No, I don't think you have to be probably 30 minutes. You can, you can rim around there. You're not going to, you're going to have, if you wake up every hour, the combination of rim and deep sleep will be crushed. But you're probably still better getting eight hours of sleep where you wake up every five minutes. I mean, I, do you sleep through the night? No.

I don't sleep through the night. No, I wake up many times. I have a wake up like probably once or twice. It's either a bathroom break It's I'm sweaty You know We like try to crank Someone fix this problem for me by the way

Give me the solution to this Okay This is my newest We're here for This is my newest 40 and over problem We It's healthier to sleep with colder Temperatures

This is proven Yeah, it's great So we crank it down a little bit Now we don't go crazy But it's a few degrees down And And so it's very, very cold. The air is running.

Are we talking to sub-70 here? What are we talking about? No, no. Not, no, like 72, 71-72. Done the Moors. You're a sub-70 guy, right, Jay? Well, I've got a whole other thing, which is probably my answer to Andy's thing. Sorry.

I know. It's your, this is my boogey bed. This guy. To go with his boozy socks and bougie pajamas. Get your question out because it's probably the answer to your question. By the way, you usually enter rim 90 minutes after falling. the sleep. So that would be a problem. There you go. Mr. 30 minutes

over here. But he's unusual. Help me fix this problem because we crank it to be cold. So when it's really cold, it's nice. Yeah. So I put the covers on. Uh-huh. But the way an air conditioner works is once it hits the temperature, it stops blowing air.

Right. So at that point in time, I'm too hot. What's going on with your fan? See, I knew you were going to go there. It's not on. It's not on. It's not on. It's not on. fans in every room. Is that you sleep with the fan on? We can't turn our ceiling fan on.

My fan has never been off since I moved on. We can't turn our ceiling fan on. And Mike, I don't, you made a face. I spent my entire life sleeping under a ceiling fan that is on. Yes. Because it's wonderful. It's delightful. It's an improvement.

The ceiling fan, we moved. We moved about a year ago. And the ceiling fan in my new house is taken from a Boeing 737. The lowest setting on that thing. is going to fly away. My roof will leave. It is, there's something wrong with it. We can't use it.

It's unusable. And if you turn that thing up to high, it's just watch. So you just hold down the covers because it's flying off you. We're out of here. I don't know, I don't know why it's this way. But that fan is like, I might as well tape down the light switch. You have like a bed that you took a mortgage out to get. So, so you have the boozy bed.

And you didn't think, like, maybe we just swap the fan out in 10 minutes? I hate to break it to you, Andy, but I don't need no fan with the bougie bed. I'm telling you, it's, because what you're talking about is, okay, you got the covers on. What do I do about the temperature? What if the bed created the temperature for you? And if you get too hot, it cools. I know, I know. Not a sponsor.

No, you will not say the name of it. Yeah, I will not. You're darn right because they should be a sponsor. And I will sell a lot of your product. Unknown bed. You know who you are. No, no, no. Say it right now, but Al will bleep it. Oh, that's right. That's right. And I'm going to cover my mouth for them.

And do it like an ad, but have him bleep it out. That way they know what they're going to get. Oh, okay. Well, listen to this. Oh, my gosh. Is an incredible product. Not only will it help you sleep more, it is proven to add extra hours to your sleep. Are you saying you have a... I'm saying I have a... You're going to cover your mouth, Andy? A...

Yes, I have a... Jeremy's like, oh my gosh, I have so much beeping. Anyways, that product's incredible. Yeah. However hot you get, it'll cool down. Also, it's your alarm clock. I don't, we have on today's episode, worst ways to wake up. Just, you just stop it.

The best way, it vibrates and wakes me up with a warm bed. You don't know what your problem is now? Huh. Because I've seen it. Your problem is, is when you travel, you're miserable. Oh, it's the worst. Because you don't got your bougie bed. I don't have my bidet.

You don't got your, you even have your travel, uh, seepap. Pap, you got the wrong You're not going to have your magical flosser you just bought. Oh, which is awesome guys. Did you buy that? Yes, I got it. It is unbelievable. Guys, this show should be called what? To buy if you're rich. I need another podcast, just products by Jason.

Yeah. Jason had to go get an appointment. He had to leave work early. Guys, I got an appointment. We're like, oh. Doctor appointment. an orthodontist what for is like I'm for this flossing machine I tried to not say it orthodontist to get something to floss and you got it oh it is unbelievable seven seconds my entire mouth flossed all teeth is it's all it works it's so good what is this thing doing

uh magic I believe is it is it a string or is it water no it's water it's a water flosser like you know you've got the built it like is it like a mouth guard yeah it's like a mouth guard You put it in and you push the button. And then you push the button and it streams jets through each one of your teeth holes, crevices, really powerfully. More or less expensive than your bed? Less expensive. Oh, okay. That bed.

Nope. That bed is a morgue. This guy. It's unbelievable. Dear goodness. Where were we here? The rim sleep. The rim sleep.

I don't know. I'm looking. Do you need rim? Yes. Genuinely, do you have to. Like, would you die? No, no, no. You won't die.

But you will, I don't think you'll ever feel. But, like, so eight hours, if you woke up for five minutes an hour, you'll never rim, and you're saying, you think that would be worse than rimming over four hours? I mean, think about the, what, when you have a newborn, that's what's happening. You're waking up like every hour. Sometimes for five minutes, sometimes longer, you know, sometimes mom has to feed. Sometimes dad's got her who warm up a bottle, that type of stuff. It's because you're not getting the continuous sleep where, like, I'm pretty sure you can. do like a naps schedule if you wanted in a 24 hour period as long as you're taking like two

to three hour naps every so often and what like one of the famous inventors i feel like benjamin franklin or somebody was on that schedule oh yeah yeah yeah i think it was franklin he would do the he did the little teeny naps that i did a lot of stuff you know there were people that tried to spark ideas with their naps did you ever hear about this they would sit in their rocking chair yeah And they'd hold on to like a coin or a pencil. Yep. And they knew that once they fell asleep, they'd drop it because they wanted to be woken immediately upon falling asleep because they believe that sparked creative ideas, like inventors. Really? Yeah.

Because I feel like that moment when you're falling asleep, at least for me, it's like I always call it like I'm, I feel like I'm in the astral plane or somewhere where your thoughts are making sense to you, but you know that your thoughts are not making sense because it's just this. weird primordial ooze going on in your brain what i'm seeing about benjamin franklin is that he followed a strict sleep schedule maybe it wasn't franklin 10 p m to 5 a m there's somebody did that's pretty healthy ben so how about this jerry didn't even have your bed instead of me like slept on a piece of wood hey morons you got the wrong guy what find the right guy how about that i'm with you come on deucers i believe it's thomas edison okay there oh wow what a far cry oh he knew the answer um probably stole that idea to deucers be deusin.

Edison reportedly only slept three to four hours a night considering sleep a waste of time. But then he also used napping and a unique technique. Yeah, I'm doing the eight hours. That's my final answer. I'm not doing no four hours. Four hours is just plain not enough. I already know that. If you don't get naps during the day, you cannot do the four hours.

And I still think I'm getting into rim because I think I'm going to continue from where I left off after five minutes. You know what? I don't think you're sleeping eight hours through the night, waking up for five minutes each hour and never getting in a rim. I'm with you. How about this? Leonardo da Vinci reportedly took 20 minute naps every four hours known as what the Uber man's sleep cycle? That is correct.

All right. Da Vinci. You're going to argue with Da Vinci? If it worked for Leonardo da Vinci, I mean, that guy was great in the Titanic. Boston There goes our last listener You couldn't even make it through He even tried to say the full name out loud

To see how close it sounded And still went with it It was pretty bad man You had to pull a different movie than Titanic Yeah The Revenant What? Yeah, yeah Revenant

That would have been a deeper Shutter Island What is he most What is Leonardo DiCaprio most famous for? I would think of two movies. Romeo and Juliet and the Titanic. I think Titanic. That's because we're old.

And catch me if you can. Catch me if you can. Oh, man. Oh, and what's the stinking? Collie. The Gatsby? Great Gatsby? No, he was in that, but that's not it.

Because he was Gatsby. Once upon a time in Hollywood? No, it's the mob-mobby movie. Oh, oh. The departed. The Departed. The Departee. Yeah.

The Departy is great. And Wolf of Wall Street and a bunch of others. What's your final answer, boys? Leonardo DiCaprio. You both didn't answer. That's amazing. I'm taking the eight hours. Al, should we move on or do we go for one more?

Let's move on. Okay. Praise the Lord. That's a great question. believe you muted my scat. I can't believe you muted my skin. Oh, man. And does he have, is his arms within range of your meal? I'm a foot pedal. What you? What I got him. Yeah, he could definitely get my pedal. But what I was going to say, it like, did anyone, no time? Did anyone act? Because we do a spitball or secret. Sometimes there's some accident little footsies over here where I'm

going for my pedal. I give Jason a little tap and I'm like, oh. But, But did anyone actually see Jason pushing the button? No, I had no idea it was going on. You could have gotten away with it. Oh, yeah, you could have let it go out. You could have just, you could have played full dumb of like, yeah, what happened? Oh, my God. And then I reached over and felt his finger.

But the problem is if I, if I did, okay, well, yeah, that's, that's worse than the pootsies. That's way worse. When you go for your mute button and there's a finger on it. It was creepy. Yeah, but that wouldn't have worked because then they would have just fixed it. and post. And I don't know if they fix it in post, but I hope they didn't. Or we would have fully stopped the show. They would have rebooted all of the tech and you could have done it

again. You missed a huge opportunity. All right. Sawyer from Patreon's great question. If you're in the process of cooking breakfast for dinner, are you making breakfast or are you making dinner? Okay. Okay. Okay. Now we're in. Now this is the good stuff. So my initial reaction, I'm going to throw it out there. I want to get your response. You're making dinner. I mean, And so I'm a making dinner. What's that? You're a making dinner? Yeah.

So we're both making dinner. You're making breakfast food for dinner. Yes. If you're cooking breakfast for dinner. Which, by the way, highly, highly, I'm a huge fan of it. It was the thing as a kid. If my parents made breakfast or dinner, it was like a special, awesome, like we're cheating the system. That is hilarious because it's so much easier to make breakfast foods and dinner foods.

Dude. Yeah. eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes, waffles? If you got the pre-made, yeah, just take out the frozen waffles. Does cereal count? Oh, yeah. So if you have a bowl of cereal for dinner, that's dinner?

Yeah. We've had a couple. I mean, there's been a handful of like, let's just all eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. Hmm. And then it is. You almost feel like you're like skipping dinner. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I feel like I didn't eat dinner.

It's like a cereal. But I didn't eat dinner. but you're definitely making dinner. Yeah, you're making dinner. If I have steak and eggs in the morning, I'm having breakfast. If I have steak and eggs in the evening, I'm having dinner. Now, if you made the breakfast food at dinner time, but didn't eat it until the morning, were you making breakfast?

Yeah, you're making breakfast. Right? Yeah, for sure. Okay. For sure. This one we agree. What about dinner for breakfast? Like, if it's breakfast and I'm-

If you eat the leftovers from the dinner the night before at breakfast time, Are you eating breakfast? That's, I think it's still breakfast. That's breakfast. It's just a time of day. Got a time of day question for you guys. Yeah, let's hear it. Because we, my son is adamant about this.

Let's say you wake up, you flashback to somehow being a teenager, you wake up at 11.30 a.m. You go to your kitchen. It's around noon. Are you eating breakfast or are you eating lunch? So this just happened. this happens every weekend Yeah My son slept in

My middle son slept in really really late Latest he's ever slept in And I bought Chipotle for everybody At like one And then he goes I just ate breakfast an hour ago That was his response Because he had

He got up at noon His first meal is breakfast no matter what And he had Well you had breakfast foods The question is really If you wake up at noon And then you eat a sandwich, you're probably skipping breakfast and having lunch.

I think he ate breakfast. I think he was, I think it's breakfast. It's your first meal and breakfast no matter what. I don't think it's time of day. I think it's time of your day. Time of awakening. Time of awakening. Because imagine that you are on the night shift, right?

You work during the night and you're awake during the day, right? So you, you know, you wake up and it's midnight, right? That's the time you are waking up. You slept all day. You wake up at midnight. night, your first meal is going to be breakfast, but it's at midnight. Is it breakfast? Is it breakfast food?

No, of course it is. Well, then it's fine. It's breakfast. But even if you reheated the leftover dinner for your first meal, I think they're having breakfast. If you woke up late. How much sleep was there preceding the meal? Regular.

If there's enough sleep preceding the meal, it's breakfast. Yeah, I think so. You're breaking the fast. I think it is time-based, but not time of day. I guess that does make sense. Oh, breaking the fast. Now, hold on. Hold on.

Is that where that word comes from? That has to be where that word comes from. Yes, of course it is. Well, neither of you knew that. No, it's breakfast, man. It's one word. They don't say break fast. It's breaking the fast.

Breakfast. The first meal of the day is called breakfast because it literally means to break the fast. So why is it not breakfast? It should be breakfast. It should be break fast. But we should say it in many ways. Have you had breakfast today? No, you had breakfast.

Yeah. What are we doing? But we should have breakfast. We do with words. We say them quickly. You're saying that it's just because you can't say breakfast as fast? Because I love breakfast. McDonald's has breakfast till 10.30 a.m.

And I think McDonald's breakfast is pretty good. It sounds so bad. Maybe that's why they don't say it that way. Because some guy started it and he's like, no, we got to. How about breakfast? Let's sharpen that. Oh, my gosh. spectacular

Next great question comes from Carrie on Patreon If all emotions had a smell What would some of them smell like Okay Let's just play with this Anger smells like fire

Or burning You go Are you like that ash Yeah I mean anger Anger's got to be heat Fire What was I thinking In volcano

What am I thinking of A volcano So lava No It's sulfur Sulfur. Thank you, Josh. Sure.

I feel like anger smells like sulfur. I don't know because disgust. You are burning with anger. Disgust smells like poop. Yeah. Which smells like sulfur. No, I'm not the sulfur guy. I was pushing the fire.

But I think that the anger has to have an undercurrent of like living smell. There's some grotesque to it. But that's the smell of like ash. Joy smells like sunshine or flowers? So what is the smell of sunshine? See, I, oh, smell that sun. I follow it's so bright. It's a strong point.

I followed only because I went immediately to like when you're out. A meadow. No, no, you just, when you're out in the sun, you have your, then your skin has a very particular smell. Where you're like, oh, I smell like I've been out in the sun. What? Yeah. Oh. That's called sweat.

No, no, no, no, no, no, not sweat. Yes, Mike. You guys, you guys need to get more in tune with what's going on with your body. The great smell of the sun. Go out. Go out. the sun and you're not I'm not talking about sweaty you will have a aroma yeah you will have a different smell I spend 10 minutes in the morning sun every single day I'm a morning person now

yeah and before you're hike I've never go hiking and smell yourself I have I did I've never had the thought of like I smell like son you smell your arm I will smell my arm your arm uh anxiety was it smell like what would anxiety smell like that's nervous energy does it be out no I don't think so No, it's not B-O. Is it sweaty? If you're really, really nervous, you're fearful. Man, that's a tough one.

I don't have a good one. Okay, while you think about this, the quote, smell of skin after being in the sun is often described as a warm, slightly sweet, and sometimes, it's definitely slightly sweet. Sometimes even slightly musky or sun-warm scent and is caused by the sun's UV radiation interacting with the skin's natural oils and bacteria. Okay, so you have to... Just to be clear, it is, it either smells sweet or musky.

So it could smell like anything, because those are opposites. But it's, but they're not saying anything. They said two very distinct smells. To me, it's sweet. And it's, and it's, you, you do smell sweet and sometimes even slightly musky. It's a little mix. I'm telling you, you, you will smell sweet. Envy, I think of green.

What smells green? Grass. Indie, no, envy needs to be, envy stinks. It needs to be a darker smell. Smells like money. Just dirty. Oh, yes. There's been so much grossness on this.

100% envy smells like, dirty money. Everyone here knows what the smell of dirty cash. Now, are we going dollar bills? Are we going coins? Yeah, because coins got to smell. Either way. The coins, the only problem is the coins. Sometimes you smell the metal.

Yeah. I think with the cash. You like that? Oh, you like the metal smell. Interesting. Oh, man. I don't mind it. I'm going to write that down.

Sadness. Sadness. What does sadness smell like? Rain. But rain smells good. Rain smells great, yes. But sadness, sometimes. What about a bog?

This smell like a bog. This won't be a popular, this won't be a popular take. Bugs got to smell bad. Sometimes sadness is good. Yeah, like sadness. But, yeah, I mean, like a good cry. I think, I think sadness and the rain makes sense. I think rain can work.

Disgust? I mean, that one's pretty easy. Yeah, I mean, that's just, that is B-O. Yeah. Or poop. Did we work through all of the, the different. for we just couldn't figure out a smell for anxiety yeah what yeah what smells like stress ooh yeah what's hmm is it like car fumes like you're like I'm stuck in bump I don't mind that

traffic yeah I don't mind that oh exhaust you're exhausted you're anxious I like it gosh on the nose no I'm saying that joke was on the nose oh oh oh that's good that's good All right, okay. That's a good joke. We were actually the wrong ones there. I had moved on. That's a good joke. Thank you.

I felt like a fool. His happiness and joy, are those the same? Yep. Just make it easy. All right. All right. We figured it out. Okay.

Let's go with, that's another sleeping question. I'm going to skip that one. Hunter from IG. If we had another global pandemic and the toothpaste shelves were suddenly empty, what ingredients are you buying to DIY a toothpaste alternative? Oh, because we've had like the last pandemic, it was toilet paper. That was gone. It was, I still, here's the funny thing.

We're four years from when it began, more than that, five. Yeah, going on five. There were like one or two major runs on toilet paper where nobody could get it anywhere. People were buying it on eBay. So I literally have probably two containers of toilet paper that is horrible toilet paper. that is horrible toilet paper oh i know what you're saying so i i bought it one ply yeah it was like it was all you could get it was all you could get i mean i've even got a second funny story where i bought some on ebay and it came the tiny rolls and it was miniaturized oh yeah they got you

they got me they got me with mini rolls of toilet paper hold on we're talking tiny butts would not be the only thing that are we saying like normal cardboard tube yes small roll no no not or the whole everything is the whole thing was shrunk it was like a toy for a doll house I mean, it was like... But the picture, the picture looked like... And we got tons of them. I mean, tons of them. You know how many you can fit in a box?

Yeah. Because you would be on Amazon and you'd see 24 rolls of toilet paper with the picture of these rolls. And you can't tell that they're smaller. We both got got... Yeah, we did. We got tiny toilet paper. Yeah.

I've never even heard of this. Oh, but it makes so much sense. Yeah. And it would come wrapped in like the worst packaging from somewhere in mainland China that ship this thing off to you. That's hilarious. But I have a couple old toilet paper rolls from like one plight that we never used because it came back in stock.

But let's say toothpaste goes away. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, do you just go water? Do you go like baking soda? Coconut oil. Baking soda is good. I feel like that'd be a thing, right? Coconut oil is a thing that people do.

They do that with their teeth? I feel like the oil out of your mouth would be. No, it's really, really good for you. You take, you take coconut oil, which is kind of, what, what consistency is coconut oil? It's not... It's a gritty goop. Yeah, it's like a... It's plasm. No, I...

But it's not, no, it's not oil in the sense that like... I've used coconut oil. I mean, it's not... It's almost waxy. It depends on the temperature. Coconut oil is not... Yeah, if you get it cold, it can be more solidified. It'll be more like a wax.

When you get it out of the container, it's always a wax. It's not like an olive oil that pours out. Yeah, yeah. Um, but coconut oil, you take it, you take it like a little glob. You swish it around your mouth for like 30 seconds. It's supposed to be really, really, really, really good for the bacteria and you spit. That's what you should do it. So you got

the flossing machine so you had more time during your routine to do the coconut oil. Exactly. It's got a name. It's like a coconut. No, I there's a name to swishing your mouth with coconut oil. That's for you. It's called oil pulling. Thank you. Pulling, yes. Josh is on

fire. Man, when you're that old wisdom is, I mean, he's on the Google. Is it where is that Google? Oh, you knew that one? My wife does it all your wife's pretty crunchy, right? Yeah, the baking soda is what popped into my head right away if I could grab that. It makes it with water. Don't people put baking soda on their toothpaste?

No, they just, it's baking soda. The company makes it. Right, Mortons. Arm and Hammer. Armand Hammer makes it, yes. But that's more of a toothpaste mixed with baking soda. Yeah. Not just straight baking soda.

What can't baking soda do? I feel like sustain us. They're like, hey, oh, baking soda can take care of that. Just get some of that. We'll do it. That's how I feel about vinegar. You know, you can just. Oh, dude.

Dude, vinegar is like, it's a miracle. It's magic. Why don't we use? It doesn't get big press because it don't make big checks. Yeah, that's right. Now, baking soda, by the way, you can just. I'll bet vinegar can fix your teeth. This is not a recommendation, but like, you 100% can just drink a glass of baking soda.

See, I told you. A glass of baking soda. You can't drink powder. It's probably Alka-Seltzer. When you mix it with water. Okay, well, there you go. You can't. Well, you've got to specify that.

I do not. It wasn't real. You do for me. Nobody else in the planet were going to be putting dry baking soda in a cup and trying to drink it. Because that would be eating it. Yes. But he said drinking. It was implied.

Mike is. Look, I've had to do that before for like really bad heartburn. You can do that. So it's like Alka-Seltzer. It's, yes. Yeah, what can't baking soda do? I bet you're like, hey, I'm feeling under the weather. I go soak your feet in some baking soda.

You'll feel better. You take you baking soda bath yet? Yeah. Oh man, your skin's getting wrinkly. Rub some baking soda on it. Probably. Probably. Yeah.

Have you put it on those colds? What if you put baking soda and vinegar together? That's the volcano. That's the volcano. Wait, no, for real? Yes. Is that the ingredients? You don't know.

You never made one? No, I know that there is that thing. This was a pre-made kit. No, I think I did it when I was a kid, but I didn't. If you filled it with baking soda and vinegar. soda and then use pour vinegar. Okay, so the two independent chemicals that are unbelievably perfect. Apparently, yeah.

The science teachers aren't dying. Those two things are so good by themselves that it's too strong if you put them together. Are you dying Papa Josh as a biologist? It really is killing me right now. If you swish. They're chemical opposites. That's why they both do a good job on both ends of it. If you swish baking soda with vinegar in it.

and your teeth. I mean, how clean are they? All your teeth have exploded out of your mouth. So you pick them up and they're going to be so shiny. Look how clean that tooth is. All right. We figured it out. Man, we are dumb. I think it's time for us to take a break in draft.

Sometimes we talk about geography on the other podcast on accident, and people enjoy the fact that we don't know it very well, especially Jason, around the country about where things are. And the best part of that is we will talk about the geography of places we've never been. And then we will all settle on that we've figured it out. And the answer that we settle on will be wrong. Well, often. That's what people say. That's your opinion, man. Yeah, that's their opinion.

I'm pretty sure we're right. We are drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. I've got the 101, despite the fact you didn't hear my scat very well. And I'm going to go pretty chalk here. Okay. I think that the chalk worst way to wake somebody up, it's probably something you're picturing in your head already. It is an air horn at point blank frame.

Air horn is the number one on my list. Ooh, not mine. I'm going air horn. I just feel like it is consistent. You're not going to, there's no messing it up. You're waking the person up. They're going to hate you for it. That's the point of the draft.

Mike, you're up. Yeah, Airhorn was the first one. Yeah, oh, and you have to do that. Yeah. If you just go with freak, that's no good. You got to wake them up. I'm going to go the bucket of cold water. Yeah, yeah, that, I mean, have you ever been woken up that way or woken anyone else up that way?

No, because I am a civilized human being. So when we were coming up with these. lists. Andy and I, I think, had an easy time. Mike was struggling. And I think this is because you think of yourself as a civilized human being. You're not a prankster. No. You're not a gag guy. Me, I'll hold Andy's mute

button down and get him so good. Right, right, yeah. Charlatan. And me, I'll put poison in your, in your drink. What? Yeah. Gotcha! You need the antidote to the poison you just drank. But yeah, I had

fun putting this list together. Thankfully, my one-on-one is still there. Oh, it's going to be a fart. Oh, it's a fart in the face. I knew it. It's a fart in the face, man. That's pink eyes. Yeah, that's why it's a bad way to wake up. Look, that's more of a fringe. That's a fringe choice. Oh, that's, I mean, you've got to think about what you've got to do to accomplish that. Oh, it's very easy. No. Walk to the side of the bed. No, you're in taste of turn around, blow wind. Their face is not, their face is not necessarily facing the outside of the bed. If it's facing upwards You're telling me

I don't want to picture you climbing up on this bed You're not doing a full squat I'm not doing a full squat Imagine waking them up mid Getting ready to fart on them That's a real awkward situation I genuinely believe Go back to sleep

I genuinely believe You're ruining this You're ruining it I genuinely believe And I'm saying this Of course hypothetical I have never and would never do this You would do this

But you may never have done it yet hmm yeah one of those things was true yeah one of those things was true if not both but um if they're laying on their back and their face is not facing the side works just fine you've got that you works just fine you got coverage you just go near enough and you know give a little you know what the real joke about that is is what if you don't wake them there's just something worse about you just you go in your fart then you walk out and they just breathe it for a while while they're sleeping. That's the punishment.

Move on. They keep sleeping. Oh, man. Did you, Jay, were you involved in, as a youth, hitting people with like the power sit-up? Do you know what I'm talking about when I say that? That doesn't strike a bell. No, they're reminding anybody. I don't know what that is.

The power sit- strike a cord? Where you bring a bell. Multiple people have to be in on the con, but you have like, someone lays on their back and you hold like a towel or sheet over their head and like try and make them like do a sit up and so you're pushing against the force of someone holding you down and and then you go hell your turn to do it and then you quickly move the towel and that person goes face first into a into a behind oh you never you guys never heard of no but that's nice i can see it but no i never did okay so you were not involved in that but now you have a new move yeah kids try it Jason went fart in the face I have Arrowhorn Mike Bucket of Cold Water Jason has a second pick

I am going to go with hiding a scary clown next to them Okay so we we've all seen If you haven't seen these videos They are awesome Now I mean point of clarity That'll be That's not going to wake them

No no no but I mean You gotta wait on it You wait on it or you can just That's scaring somebody who's awake you wake them up with a clown in their face, is the point. You can wake them up however you want. You're kind of nussle on it. I'm just saying.

Nussel. I'm just saying. That's not a word. The videos where people are, you know, they wake up. They wake up and they look next to them. Right next to them is just scary clown or whatever. A horse's head, but you know, you can do a million things. Just put something scary right next to them, have them wake up to that.

That's a good time. Yeah. Mike loves that idea. Mike, you have a bucket of cold water. What's your next way to wake somebody up? All right. The next one. Man, which one of these ones do I go with?

All right, we're going to go. There was a popular show when we were youths of a group of guys who would do very stupid things. And it was really, really funny. And one of the things, one of the pranks that they would pull in each other, they called it antiquing. Now, this is, I'm just talking to the people at home. They know what I'm talking about. And antiqueing was they would just take, they'd get a whole fistful of flour and then just spike it at the person's face.

Yes. Because it wakes you up and then the person, like you look like a statue. Yeah. Oh, I love this idea. I love this. So a fistful of powder. Yeah. So it's called antiquing.

Wow. Oh, man. But that would, that'd be terrible. That would be honest. And there's a whole. giant mess. The draft is the worst way to wake someone up. Slap him with a fistful of powder. That's fantastic. Okay. Well, I look, I'll, I'll go with, um, I'm going to go with a mariachi band. Oh, that would be so awesome. No, no, no, no. No, no. Yes, it would. You're

now incoherently half awake with four strangers in your room. You're like, bro, where's the chips and sauce? I'm shocked that you don't love, or that you don't hate that. As long as it's a regular time book, it's going to startle me. But then I'm going to be getting down to some mariachi music. We got to tell you. I love mariachi. Yeah, apparently we do.

And then I'll go with full volume death metal. We'll go full volume death metal, big speaker. Wake up, wake up. Okay. Mike, it is back to you. So you've just thrown a fistful of flour. into somebody's face. You've antique to them.

Yeah. And so we have the bucket of cold water, and I'm going to go the complete opposite of this one. This one's going to take a little bit, but I'm going to crank that heat up. Oh. And then, because it's not going to wake you up right away. You're going to just probably do the, oh, it's a little uncomfortable, and then you're going to wake up and be like, it's 80 degrees in here. This is awful. I actually use that as a strategy for waking up during the school year for.

my wife and I said our I said it it works I said it to go much hotter oh five or ten minutes before I need to get up because I know we're going to want to get up and we because if it's cold and you wake up you want to nestle back into bed my mattress the great um it does that so it goes like five degrees hotter than the room at my alarm clock time imagine how many sales they'd have if they had sponsored the show. Reach out. All right, you're up, Jay. Oh, I'm up.

You got two. Oh, man. All right. Well, the first one is I couldn't even write it. Like, it was so hard to write this down. Oh, no, you're going to go with it? I'm going to go with it. No, it's my last one.

Oh, no. It's a trance law on the face. Oh, I did a spider on the chest, but trance law on the face is my exact quote in my list. If I woke up in that fashion, I would go. go back to sleep forever. The long sleep. I mean, my heart would burst out of that chest.

The long sleep. The long sleep, good night. So that's the worst thing ever. And then, you know, we've got a couple different loud things. You've got the air horn, heavy metal. I think the worst, I think worse than an air horn because, well, I mean, on par, at least, is crash symbols. If you, you're just, is that what that?

called when you hit them together? Yeah, there's symbols. That's the symbols, yeah. Yeah, the crash symbols where you're just one of those right next to someone. That is, those are so loud and awful. Sorry to all the crashers out there, whatever you call yourself. I don't think they're offended. Yeah, I don't like, Jeremy, what would we call that person? Do you just call them your part of percussion? Yeah, I guess. Or it's like a marching symbolist.

Symbolist. Marching symbolist? That feels too. philosophical. You're a symbolist. Hey, it's, I mean, I think you're right. So tarantula on the face, huh? And then symbols, Mike, you got your last pick. All right. For the final one, a symbolist. Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah. All right. Or a percussionist, but symbolist. Uh, the last one. This one is a, this is a longer psychological warfare. And I'm going to shout out the late great Mitch Hedberg one. comedian for this.

I'm just going to have cinnamon roll candles. I'm going to light them. Okay. Oh, that's not fair. Oh, and there are no cinnamon rolls? They're going to wake up and be like, where's the cinnamon rolls?

Oh, man, there are none. It was a ruse the whole time, you idiot. That's brutal. I mean, in my house, it would be like, like bacon candles. Because it's a common thing. We're on the weekend, like maybe someone's making first one up's making bacon yeah oh my gosh if i woke up to the smell of bacon and then i come

out and it's a freaking candle you're grounded whoever it is it's like you can't ground me on your wife you're grounded you put a bacon candle on walking into the kitchen trying to find locate the source of the the actual cinnamon roll smell only to find no cinnamon rolls that'd be brutal what a great way to wake up and what an awful way to wake up right right because technically that's the best way to wake up like if we did a draft the best ways to wake up it would be folders in your swish oh man is fulgers still round oh yeah they're not doing so good anymore they're not doing they're not they can't be doing that great um like they used to be on the tv they've got to have some loyalist between 72 and 81 years old out there um no that you you ruined what i was saying all right Airhorn, Marriachi band, blasting death metal, and I'll close it out with.

Look, it's not antiquing, but it's just as messy. We'll go pie in the face. Question, question. A pie in the face. Okay. But are you making them do it to themselves? Oh, no, no, no. The tickle of the face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put the shaving cream on the hand. I have that on my list. I'm going to just. You're just pying them. I'm walking in, silently pying them and walking out of the room. All right. I like it.

Can you die from that? No, you can't die from that. You can eat your way out. not all of us can all of us can all right that is the worst ways to wake somebody up

no one went with the hand in the water huh no that's good to make you go peepee yeah I yeah I was I was pretty through I did the feather

tickle of the nose like keep doing that until somebody wakes up that's annoying I have just tickling just wake someone up with tickling swelling salts oh smelling salts

yeah I've got lightning I've got wait you have lightning No, I should ride the lightning of the smelling salts. It feels like you got zapped. Electrocution. Yeah, the only other one I had was waking them up two hours early.

That's brutal. That's brutal because sometimes you can't get back to sleep. Pull it off with the clock switch just for the room. Oh, yes. Just that room. Yeah, you're supposed to be up at six. So you set it to six when it's 4 a.m. Wake them up.

They get up, they start getting ready. They come out of their room. Yeah, that's mean. Isn't that in like, I think that's in some movie. Someone has to have done that. to get them out the door on the way to work so that when they find out it's when they pull up.

Go away for the school bus. What did we learn today? Breakfast is not a very easy word to say. No, breakfast. Baking soda should, it cures all. Yeah, and I.

We need it everywhere. Should be traded as gold. Yeah. I learned that I need to protect my mute button. Well, I scat because Jason's trying to strip the world of its joy, which smells like the sun. Goodbye. Smell it. Goodbye.

Sweet musk. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. for supporting this episode.