Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Sour Poops & Worst Things To Hear In the Bathroom Stall - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

The Spitballers are back with an age old tradition… talking poop! From some diabolical Would You Rathers to a brand new round of Decisions of Exteme Importance, the laughs are guaranteed. We bring things home with a a Worst Things to Hear in the Bathroom Stall draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Dang it. It was so bad, and then you got me. I just kept, I pushed through. I know. Sometimes you got to keep digging. It was the same problem you had before, which is like, yeah. The last 20% of the scat, you don't know how to finish it. And then you're like, you know what?

A bunch more words in falsetto will do it. And it got it. Here's the illustration. And for those of you that don't live in Arizona, I apologize. I was digging for gold, but I ran into Coliche. Oh. But I kept going and I found the gold. So hard rock.

Yeah. The queen in Game of Thrones. Yes. Welcome into the spitballers. We just figured out we've done this for eight years. That's insane. Episode 373. It did not.

That kind of blew my mind when we went back and looked at the original date. I guess it was June of 2018 and it's now July of 2026. Yeah. Someone on our footcast show from the footballers podcast mentioned, hey, it's crazy that you guys have been doing the spitballers for eight years. We're like, what? No, we have not. Eight years of spitballers? You bet we have.

We sure have. It was a good run. Thank you all for listening. and uh see yeah see you just shuts it down after that's that's the final scale yeah

season like series finale's we were to just you were talking to like Seinfeld and yep like Game of Thrones yeah it's really hard to stick the landing very hard has anyone ever just halfway through what's supposed to be the episode just been like shut it down

we did it I've got I've got worst news for you, Mike. I think what we've proved already in this episode. What we've proved in this episode is when it's really hard to stick the landing. You just keep powering through. Yeah, you're right. And so what you do is you say this is the final episode. Like

spit, well, today is the final episode. Oh, my God. Oh, we could like, but then we're going to trick them and we're going to keep doing. That's like, it's like the Princess Bride. But they won't know. You'll surely. Beow. Would you rather decisions of extreme importance and we are drafting the worst things

that you would hear or would, let me reword it. Worst things to hear through a bathroom stall. Yeah. You go into a bathroom or you're, see, and my list that I built was based on being in a neighboring stall. Other people might be thinking of it as you're in there finishing up, washing hands,

and you're hearing something happening. Oh, that's kind of help. The stall. Wait, were you the opposite? What were you? I'm in the stall.

Oh, see, I was in the stall too. Oh, I was not. I was in the bathroom. My list is I'm in the bathroom and I hear. someone in a stall. Yeah. But when you just read that, worse things to hear

through a bathroom stall. Yeah. I realized, oh, this could be taken as if I'm in a bathroom stall and I'm hearing something. It just says through. So I guess it can go either way.

Interesting. Yeah. I mean, you got more time on the show. Sound does that. Wait, you're telling me you can hear me on that side of the wall? We'll see. Sound only travels one direction, Mike.

Let's get some, Would you rather going? Would you rather? Right there. That's where you would end the show. Just so you know. Oh, after the beginning of the segment. What a way to go out. That's so many people just looking at their phones.

Like, hold on. Hold on. Oh, there goes the lights. Um, yeah, yeah, that's, uh, we're still here. Would you rather go? Well, see, I, is this a good question? Do people know this game? Would you rather go to jail today and get out in two years or get out whenever your dad can beat Eldon Ring?

It's from Josh? It's clearly from Josh. I've tried to skip this. And let me say this. I've tried to skip this question so many times when it's been in the dock that I thought the message was being safe. My friend Chris is so excited right now. Plenty of people are excited. But if you're not, if you're not excited, Eldon Ring is a console video game or a PC video game that is one of the known most difficult.

This is not like, put it on easy mode, beat the game. This is not a game that everyone can beat. It's punishing and it's long. And the answer is two years. Oh, the answer is absolutely two years. This could be get out in 45 years. Oh, wait. Or when your father.

My dad. Your father has to beat the game. My dad? But he does know he's training to free his son from prison. Oh, absolutely. Okay. Just making that clear. That's like saying your dad is training to free you from prison if he can run as fast as

Usain Bolt. It's not happening. I have watched my father play one, like one 10-minute period of video games in my life that I can remember. It was Mike Tyson's punchout on the NES. Ten minutes? Well, no. How many times was it? I mean, it was probably, it was probably one minute.

Speaking of punishing. I mean, he's not a video game connoisseur. I've never seen him play. I know how hard this is. If the question was. Because our parents are 100 years old. I love that you bring up. Mike Tyson's punchout because we're like, hey, two years are beat Eldon Ring.

The youths. The youths with your auto saves. You have no idea. Oh, yeah. Mike Tyson. You have to replace Elder Ring with Mike Tyson's punchout. Yeah, you had to start the game every time from the beginning. You had to beat every single person.

That one feels more achievable by sheer time. Mike Tyson? Yes, because the modern games, that's a few. That's button pushes. That's what Eldon Ring is. You have to comprehend. Brother, you never got to Mike Tyson. Tell me you to get to Mike Tyson.

Without telling me. You never got there because if you got there, he's... You got to a macho man or whatever his name was. I got so good at that game I could go through everyone to get to Mike Tyson every single time. You're telling me though your father could go figure out these advanced boss mechanics? No. No, we're saying none of our fathers are doing either. None of our fathers are doing either.

But if the question was, get out of jail today. or get out of jail in two years or when I can beat Eldon Ring? I would do that one. I can get that game. I would do Eldon Ring, but, I could go to jail and just play Eldon Ring? Yes, yes. Oh, no! That's an amazing.

Lock me up. I will pay my debt to society. Wow, that is the insinuation here. We are in jail playing Eldon Ring. If we're the dad. Yeah. I mean, well, no, if the question was, get out of jail in two years, or when we can beat Eldon Ring. That means while

we're in jail, we're just playing Eldon Ring. Your Honor, I plead guilty on all charges. I think I'm going to be like... I'm as guilty as I can be. I'm probably close to... We're talking about J-walking. I'm going to be about... Go the book, Your Honor. I deserve it. About to beat the game and I'm going to put the controller down. I know I can,

but I'm coming back tomorrow. No, that's when you're like, oh, I got to go grind. I got a level up. There's no way I could take this final box. It's funny. You remember your dad playing Mike Tyson. My dad only played one time with me as well and it was Mario Kart on SNES. Oh man. And it was he was he wanted to do the time trials. It wasn't just racing. Oh. It was just racing the lap and trying to beat the

time. Papa skids. Skidding around the corner. Would you rather be able to change someone's mood or their mind? I feel like why would you need them to change their mood if you can change their mind? I feel like that you think they're I don't even care if they're in a good mood, a bad mood, Happy sad, if I can get them to agree or think whatever I want them to think. Yeah, but what do I care about their mood? Because you can spread some cheer around the world, man. For their mood? Yeah.

If you choose the mood side, you can go around and make everybody happy. Okay, that's cool. Happy's a mood? Yes, absolutely. What? I'm just asking. I'm not insinuating. What are the moods?

Good. You're in a good mood. Yeah, good. I'm in a happy mood. Which would you? I'm in a bad mood. I'm in a sad mood. I'm in a...

Okay. What are the moods? What are the official moods? Good? There aren't a list of official moods. Well, that's what we're creating. There's a good mood. There's a bad mood.

There's a sad mood. What is it? What is the mood? Is tired a mood? That's why I kind of was asking because like when you say happy versus a good mood. Like I'm not, I can be in a good mood and not be happy? No. No, they have to be connected?

Yeah. You're at least more happy than you are sad if you're in a good mood. By definition of good. But can't you be content and not happy? You can be content. And isn't content a good mood? No. No, I think it is.

No, it's not. You don't think being content is a good mood. Content means you're satisfied. Yeah. That's a satisfied mood. Content is absolutely good. No, you'll never be satisfied. You never be satisfied.

No, if you're content, you're just, I'm okay with this. No, content is not apathetic. Yes, it is. No, it is not. Yes. See, this is a. problem in our society. What is the definition?

Content is not apathetic at all. This is a real problem. Content used to, for me, content used to be like a bad thing. You never want to just be content. And then I realized content is the pinnacle. Content is a positive energy. It is literally the pinnacle. It is, if you are content,

that is a, maybe that's not a good move. Maybe that's a great. No, it's not a high. So I'm looking at a mood chart for what it's worth. And content was placed in the positive feeling low energy. And there's positive high energy. But it's a low energy, just chill. You're good, man.

Basic moods. Are you good? Yeah, I'm good. I'm content. How's your meal, Mike? I'm content. Oh, so you're good. Yeah, I'm good.

It's the same thing. No, it's definitely a step below good. If you were good, you would say I'm good. You wouldn't say I'm content. There wouldn't be this other word. I don't know. I mean, it's a bigger discussion. I think content you're very happy.

Hey, hey, check this out. Check us, ask me, ask me how am doing? Yeah, how are you doing? I'm okay. I'm content. Same. That sounded like a fit. I think you're, at the frame, it works with different frames.

I'm fine. I'm content. Yeah, but the way you said it tells me you're not really okay. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're lying. You're not really concerned. If you're a content, you wouldn't go.

Yeah, ask me how I'm doing, Mike. How are you doing, Jay? I'm doing great, man. I'm content. yeah it's a tone but you just brought it down you brought it down you were hedging you were like oh great all right I can't what if I said I was wait what if I said I'm totally no apathetic is without yeah but ask me how I'm doing how are you doing Andy I am blessed I'm content life is good that sounds pretty nice I mean it's just the you the sandwich you put around it but that wasn't

even a sandwich that was a that was a cake you were like we got the frosting that was layered And then there was just like, it was a cake. It was a cake. But that was a delicious cake. No, it was a fine cake. I would be content with that cake. By the way, strive for content. Yes, people spit for content.

No. Yo, my gosh. No, this is really important. Life is not content. Your life is not made to be perfectly ecstatic. Strive for content. In all circumstances. That's the pinnacle.

The best thing you can be in life is content because it tells me Mike's not content. Correct. because he's not content right now. You might be tense, stressed, or furious. You might be down drained or gloomy, Mike. According to Chad, G. You could be numb, blue, or lonely. As an adjutant.

All right. Hey. Are you wrong? What does it say? Well, hold on. I got to find the, well, this is a link to a YouTube, but it was. That counts. This is the AI overlords.

As an adjective, content, it means happy or satisfied. So you can't be satisfied Yeah, you'll never be satisfied All right, so to listen Would you rather be able to change someone's mood or mind What is more powerful? Mind feels like it's more selfish If you want to change their mind

Yes, it is. Moond is about them. Yes. You help it for them. Correct. Unless I may, although there are some people that are too happy. Oh, yeah.

Turn it down. I would turn him down. Andy, Andy wants to turn them down. I remember for the last decade, oh my gosh, yes. You hate when people are too happy. I'm talking. You absolutely.

We go out to eat. We go to a restaurant and you hate the over the haps. Are you talking about Dutch brothers? Sure. Dutch brothers. We could go to restaurants and waitress and if they're too happy, you hate them. You hate them. Because it's fake.

Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. But you would turn their mood down and then you would be content. I would turn it down because they're annoying and they need to know what it's like. Yeah, exactly. They need to know what it's like. I will say super happy people are one annoying and two,

not really happy. Super happy people aren't happy. I'm going to go mood. I want to change moods. The thing that bothers me more is sad moods. I feel like if I take the mind, I can convince them to be in a different mood. So I give both. Mike? No, you gotta go mood. Moods, vibes,

feelings. Mind is just a singular decision. Except right now I can change what you answered if I took, change your mind. You could. You could. You can't stop me no matter who you are. So content is right in the middle. Would you rather have an awful headache or an awful stomach ache in both cases? There is a 50-50 chance that you vomit.

This is, I mean, like when my wife gets a migraine, she ends up throwing up. Yeah, that's very common for migraines. Describe the stomach ache. Nausea. Oh. Nausea in pain. And pain. You got it.

Okay. It's more of an ache. I'll go awful headache or an awful headache or an awful. I'm going to go headache. The, my first ever migraine, I wrote a midterm with it. Through it? Yeah. How did, what grade you get?

Getting enough. Oh, God, man. Hey, brother. Were you content? Sounds like you. No, I was actually pleased. It sounds like. No, like I just powered through it.

And I, because it was my first one. I didn't. Like, nausea, you probably couldn't power through it. No. No, when you have a stomach pain and you're doubled over. Like, you can't. You don't take a, there's not like a pill you take to get rid of nausea. Yeah.

Well, there is. Don't say anti-nage of pills. You don't know nothing about Peptil Bismo, my guy. Well, yeah. Hashtag not a sponsor. I get it. I guess like, hashtag. You want Peptil?

Hey, you want to. Mr. Bismol? I'm ready. Oh, I was literally just about. My man purse in the other room, you better believe there's Bismol in there. So today, we just got back from lunch. You were wearing your little man purse.

He's not a last name basis. Your Peptop Bismol. And I was going to point to the cameras and just ask if you had it on you. Yeah. I know you always have it on you. Not a sponsor, but PEPTO. Reach out, man. We are your demographic.

I'm actually a little light because I just took a vacation. Oh, that's going to be a Pepto heavy. I guess someone in the family is like, oh, my tummy and I'm like, dude, when we go to, when we go to Vegas, Mike is our Pepto distributor. Yeah. He is. Because you know what sucks? Stomach egg.

Every time you travel, our family went on a cruise, everybody's stomach's got messed up. Yeah. If you travel, everything. Because did you go on a plane? Yeah. Yeah, because when you go on a plane, the valve turns off. I know what you mean. Yeah, I know.

People know what I mean. You need that valve open. No, because when you fly home, it's open. It's open. And that's when you show up at home and the demons are exercised, you're like, what is happening? Thank you. Because it's the valve open. I can't stand stomach aches and nausea.

There's no chance in heck I would choose that. I'd choose the headache a million out of a million times. I also feel like if I had a headache, I know what to do. if I get a stomachache, I don't know exactly how to fix it. That's where I'm in. I will pop some ibuprofen or some excetter migraine and move on my day. If I have a nausea, I'm just, what do I, do I got to go poop? I don't know if I have to go poop.

Maybe I do. Maybe I just got to hang around the toilet because you're not sure which end it's going to come out. You know how many times I just want it to go down, not up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm begging for. When I have a bad stomachache, I'm fine with it coming up. I want it. I'm just like, please get out.

Just get out through the belly button. I must never throw up. Yeah. That would be nice if I had a valve. A release valve? But if you don't have a valve and you have a regular human body, I think out the belly button is going to prove the worst case scenario. Yeah, that's going to be a medical emergency.

I'm just saying if it was re-tied. What are you doing here? My belly button exploded. I don't want to disrespect anybody who has an actual medical condition for a moment. Right. However. Yeah. Thank you for that.

What do we think about opting into colostomy bags? just to eliminate all the drama. I can easily... Literally. I can answer this for everyone for sure. I mean, because I... You looked into it? I grew up around it.

Okay. Yeah. My mom turned our home in my teenagers into an elderly care home, like a stay-at-home living facility. We had like 10 people that lived there and whatever, and did they take your room? They did. Is this the same time that you had all the animals? yeah yeah we had a lot of animals old people were

were some of the animals and um okay and so yeah we built another room like in the garage that was where I lived because they took literally took my room but from time to time one of the residents would come in and they would have a claustomy bag and and if I was in the room that was

four walls inside of the garage so I'm inside of like a totally separated room you're walled out I'm walled out gaps then the house, then the whole house, then the other wing. If they were changing that colostomy bag, oh, I knew it. It is not like a poop. It is just going to go come right out and say it.

It is nothing like a poop. It's not even close to a poop. I will smell poop or a diaper any day of the week. That colossomy bag is when poop has gone bad. Okay. But not like a little bad. The poop is soured. The poop is soured.

It has turned into something else all entirely. Sorry, everybody. So I don't want to make my fault. I don't want to disrespect to anybody. You asked us a question about stomach gings. You think we're not going to go there? That's what this show's all about. Yeah, it's about learning.

It's about bigger questions. Deeper, philosophical. Philosophical journeys. I'm just thinking about a full bag. Oh, gross. You want a bag or you want a dip? Dipe! Wow!

Dipe! Wow. Yeah. But the bag, while the bag's on, you don't smell anything, right? Correct. So we just haven't figured out the right. technology here. Yeah, I don't know why they don't just like a solvable problem.

Throw the bag out. I don't know what they do. That thing should eject off into space and then another one goes on. I don't know. Maybe they were very bad at changing it out. By the way. Oh, I spilled it again. Ah, I ripped the bag.

Someone with a clausts of a bag is like, I've never smelled anything in my life. But I know that's not. Oh, man. We have time for another. We're moving on. I ripped the bag. Let's do one more. Okay, we got one more.

Would you rather own and operate a food. food truck or a video game truck. Oh, that's fun. Man. I've done the video game truck thing one time. My kid got invited to one of those birthday parties where they rented one. It was pretty cool. Yeah, we rented one.

But I mean, then it's like, for a birthday party. It is full-time kid thing that you're doing. Yes. I mean, here's the thing. I feel like we have to take your stuff. I feel like we have to take the video game because I love cooking. I love it. It's, it's enjoyable to me.

Someone's got to work the cash register, though. Yeah. But my point is like, even as someone who I don't really, I don't play video games. I used to a long time ago, I don't have time. The idea of playing video games is a positive, not a negative, but I don't care. I'm not like a video gamer. And I love cooking. And I can't possibly take the food truck.

One of these is air conditioned, cool. Once I got kids set up, I'm doing nothing. The other is I am in a hot box of equipment and grill. and friars and whatever's in there. I mean, some are pretty nice. I have watched all these food truck people give me my food pouring sweat. There are states where they're better, though. Sure.

The best? I don't live there. Maybe the best food I've ever had. Oh, recency bias, but maybe the best food I've ever had in my life we had from a food truck in Alaska. Food trucks are great. It was a crab roll, and that's all they did. That's the key to a food truck, by the way.

Don't sell anything but one thing. I don't care of it's churros. I don't care if it's pancakes, whatever. Sell one amazing thing. I agree with that. That'll blow your socks off and just sell it over and over and over again. You see that food truck where they, you bring them a bag of chips.

Have you seen this place? The whole concept of the food truck is, you bring them a bag of chips. They cut the top of the bag off. And it can be a bag of any size. Anything you want to bring, chips, Cheetos, anything like that. You hand them the bag and they fill it with like basically their special cheese sauce and toppings and all this.

They basically turn your bag of chips into like a not cheese. Supreme thing? Yeah, I believe that walking tacos or something like that. There you go. It's amazing. I'm sure. But it is hot, Jason. You're right. I'm sure. I'm sure the food trucks can make great food. I'm just disappointed in you because you like food. What about chef, Jason? Listen,

I've got to do something here. Man, you're boogey. No, no. You want to be cool? You think I'm bougie. Listen to this. This is not, well, it's a little bushy, but. Oh my gosh. You just talked about not a sponsor. I'm giving a free sponsorship.

opportunity here. I am going to shout out a company that deserves all the sponsorship. They should be the headline sponsor of all of our products. It is the best, you just talked about maybe the best food you've ever had, the best food I've ever had in my entire life was last week. It blew my freaking mind. This is freaking SpaghettiOs, dude. It's not. Wait, wait, wait. When was this? This was, we just took a cruise to the Caribbean. Okay. And spit wads. But, but, but, food truck? It is a little hole in the wall place. The Royal Food House in St. Kitts.

Shout out the Haka Noodles. You have no idea how good they were. We ate them. We left. We swam with dolphins on our way back. I'm like, we're going back. And I went back and I got another serving of Haka Nudels from the Royal Food House in St. Kitts.

This is the most boosy thing you've ever said. That's not boosy. It's a hole in the wall, little South Indian restaurants. Wonderful. The guys there were great. If you're ever there, you have to try it. You say, you heard about them from me. No affiliate.

Save 0%. But you're a video game. I thought you were about to tell me about a food truck on your boat. I thought you were going to say something that anybody. Anybody on this planet could take your advice to go try. No, that's why it's not a very good sponsorship opportunity. Not many people are rolling by St. Kitts, but if you happen to be in the neighborhood. This is ridiculous.

Go to the Royal Road. How do you get to St. Kitts, Jason? A boat. Yeah. It's the cruise line. It's in the Caribbean. But what would it be close to? What would it be close to?

Yeah. Stop looking at your computer. It's close to, it's like southeast of the Virgin Islands of Puerto Rico. Okay. All right. Food truck for me. Royal food house for me. We'll be right back.

The non-hot one. Yeah. I'll take that one. Decisions of extreme importance All right, we are into decisions of extreme importance, which I'm going to read it, then we're going to decide if we agree or not. If we all agree, we'll move on. We've settled it for the people.

Right. When setting wake-up alarms always set more than one. Yes or no. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, but this is where we write it down. Yeah, I mean, we'll just see if we all agree. So this is to set more than one alarm. Yeah.

Yep. Okay. Three, two, one. I said yes. No. No. Grow up. Of course not.

Grow up. Have some faith in yourself. Believe in yourself. Thank you, Jason. If you want to get up later, set the alarm a little later. Two dudes that have been late to a lot of things. Oh, false. Look.

False. There's a snooze button. Okay, if I need more, you hit that snooze. You don't need multiple set alarms. Why are you setting? If you set two alarms, you're going to, you shut the first one off and go, I'll wake up with the next alarm. Yes.

So just set your alarm for that and get up. Even worse. I wake up at the first and now I'm going to brushing my teeth. And my phone's going off in the other room because of my second alarm's going off. Stupid. You don't set another alarm in another room for the same time, idiot. No, I'm saying I woke up. You set a backup alarm for 15 to 20 minutes later on a different device.

You're going on different devices? Of course. The device could fail. You don't set two alarms on the same device, numb school. What devices are you setting your alarms on? You have more than one device you set an alarm on? You have more than one device you could set an alarm on on your body right now.

That is true. Three, you have three objects on your body you could set an alarm with. Oh, you're not wearing... I bet you that aura ring does it. It's not charged. I bet it does. No, it doesn't. That would have been four.

It does not have an alarm. So, whoop, phone, watch. When my battery power thing has no battery. It doesn't... No, I don't think it has an alarm mode even when it has battery. It is a piece. You have a phone and a whoop. It's a peace of mind thing.

You don't have your whoop right now. To me, it's a piece of mind. It can be 30 minutes later. I genuinely think it is a, not a joke. I think it is a mental problem. Like, I don't want my sons who, they're like, I need to set like four alarms. I'm going to set so many alarms so I get up.

Because when you do that, what you're teaching yourself is to not wake up at alarms. You're literally saying, yes, you, you want to set. are. No, I understand what you're saying, and I respect all of it. But that's not why I'm setting a second alarm. I'm setting a second alarm due to malfunction and idiocy. It's not I'm going to ignore one and then get up later. I'm going to get up with the first alarm. But if the first one malfunctions, or I set AMPM, or I forgot to turn it on or any of the AI turned it off, I've got a backup. So I'll say, I don't hate that. But I would wager. Like if we were playing the game, you know, like what percentage of people who set a second alarm said it for that reason? It's very low. It's Andy. That's fine. It's the people who are doing alarms. They're doing 6 a.m. 6. 6.5 a.m. 6. 10 because they want to be like, oh, I was going to turn this one off.

Can't get ready for the. I can't see. I can't miss this alarm. Then just wake up. I set like three, five minutes apart from each other. Yeah, exactly. Why? It's not redundancy for like if something goes wrong.

They're all in the same device, aren't they? Which alarm gets you out of bed? The third one. The third. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, because that's your, that's your alarm for the. the time you're going to wake up. Oh, my.

And it's also bad for the body. My son does do that and he only wakes up at the last alarm. Yes. And I hate him for it. You are training yourself. I'm a child. Just training yourself to not wake up at alarms. Yeah, mine, I'm a limited use case.

I'm specifically. Yes. Basically, I don't because the whoop works 50% of the time. That's the, your backup 15 minutes later is different than the, the stages of the alarms that are going to wake me up. And. it's just like what I what I try to explain to my kids is like the five minutes what do you five minutes of extra sleep I get it when the alarm goes off I hate it I'm tired I want to go back to

sleep I've I've hit a snooze alarm a few times in my life but what's it's there for but the point is if I'm like oh well I'll wait for the next alarm what is that five minutes going to do for you I can tell you what it does. It ruins your body. It makes you be late. Yes. Learn how to get up. All right. When eating an orange, it is better to peel and separate it by hand and then slice it into wedges. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm confused by the premise. It's better to peel. Oh, okay, so it's fully peeled? I'm, I'm confused by the slice part. That's what confused me. Yeah. It's, it's not and slice it, it's a van slice it. So it's better to peel and separate it by hand than it is to slice it and eat wedges.

Okay. So if you're eating wedges, do you do it by hand or do you use a knife? But with the wedge, the peel is still on. Is that what we're saying? Correct. Like a soccer game. Oh. Half time. Oh.

Where they give out the orange wedges? No. Okay. So this is either peel on in wedges. Peel by hand or cut the wedge. Or just like you cut it in, you cut it and spread it. And then it's like the whole peel is still on the bottom. Yeah.

But you can, you can theoretically. eat it like that if you want to. So let's just say peel it or not. Yeah, peel it or slice it. Peel it or slice it. All right, I've got my answer. This is very easy. We're all on Team Peel. It's peal.

No one. Mike was going to walk out. Yeah, he's very passionate about this. I will say it looks nice as a slice. Yeah, you put it on a drink. Sure. Okay, you want that peel on. But if you're eating on orange, you want the, you want to take these things to pop them in your

mouth. You want to pop them and you know what's that rich? the rine? You get a piece of rind? Oh, the orange is ruined. Yeah. The rest of the orange. Not that slice, the rest of the orange.

Oh, it's terrible. Take the rines, put them in the claustomy bags, make them smell better. Yeah. Like a poopery? So, Fookland, just so you know, we answered this one, don't leave your peels on your oranges.

There's way too much danger. Oh, this one's interesting. I like this. This will be a debate. A bathroom fan should be used after a shower. Okay. Oh, okay.

So like a humidity reliever. Well, I have some questions. Okay. Well, is this as in after, as in not during? Correct. That's what I mean. Or after, after like, or no fan. Can we change it to a bathroom fan should be used relative to a shower?

Does that make sense? With a shower? With a shower? I'm asking out. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, these, these matter. So should you turn your.

fan on when you shower. Yeah. I've got strong opinion, but before, during, after, whatever. Yeah, I've got strong opinions here and I know we have a debate in the house on this. We have a strong debate on this. Yeah, we have, we have, we have biases issues here, guys. Because we're not. I have supposed to. I put no. I put no. We live in Arizona where we are very dry. And you can shower here. This might surprise part of the country. So you're saying because of mold prevention. Yes. Like, so you mentioned, did we say we were on vacation? So I'm up in Alaska.

I'm in an Airbnb and they're like, when you shower, please turn the fan on. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, I've never heard something like that in my entire life. And especially, like, if you go to a very humid and not that Alaska is super humid, but you like go to go to the southeast where it's very humid. You're supposed to use the fan, at least afterwards, because you have to get the moist air out of the bathroom or you're going to get molding. My wife always wants me to turn the fan on because she doesn't want her hair.

She doesn't like the moisture in the air for her hair. Okay. And I love not turning the fan on because I like getting warm. I like getting out of the shower and it's warm then. And comfortable and nice. Yeah, you don't need to. Here's the thing. But I never thought about the mold.

No matter where you are in the country, you don't need to run that fan. Don't worry. Don't worry about the mold. And that's official. What? When do you run a bathroom fan? When you poop? That's for the stink.

That's the toilet room. Yeah, that's the bathroom fan. I mean, you don't have a fan in the toilet room? I do. And then you have a fan in the bathroom. Yeah, so it's double duty if it's a big duty. You know what I mean? Like, I got to, there's a two-fan sitch here.

We got to wait. Al, do you mind if I ask you about this? I guess not. I did share it in the channel. You said the number of times I have turned on a bathroom fan for any reason can be counted on one hand. See, I understand that. You're not talking about your toilet area. I am.

Oh. Oh, I don't. Well, you got nice smelling toots? What in the world? I usually leave a surprise. What do you mean you leave it in the bowl? No, no, no, no. I'm not a savage.

I flush. I'm a civilized human being. I don't ever turn the fan on. And she hasn't divorced you? Not yet. I just, I like to leave in. She's got a, there's an essence. So that I was there.

About a decade ago. If my wife leaves that. room without turning the fan on. I find it as a personal affront. It is a deep personal attack that you did not do what you needed to do and turn the fan on. About a decade ago my wife's family's neighbor who they were very, very close with.

Their house burned down. It was a big deal. Caught out of fire, obviously. They were out of their house for many, many... Yeah, six months, nobody died. Nobody died. No. The fan did it. It was caused by a fan that was left on. That's not going to help.

Jeremy from saving his wife. And from that moment, so in the last decade, I have to turn any of those fans on. You're afraid of burning the house now? I'm afraid of leaving it on and it will burn. So if I turn a fan on. Or, you know, just every couple of years, clean them. I don't mean, maybe that was the problem. I don't act like you cleaned your bathroom fan.

I have never. Yeah. They're barely used. You sounded so high and mighty. No. Maybe just every two years. Like you're supposed to. Yeah.

But I'm kind of like with Jeremy here where I, I never use them, but I have that reason. That's my reason. You stink. Well, here's a thing. If you come after me and a fan is on, you know it was necessary. You know something was, that was a, that was I poured my claustomy bag in the toilet and this fan is going on.

By the way, Papa Josh just decides to chime in on his own and he's like, I only use the sound, the fan for sound muffling, not to de-stink. Wait, were you embarrassed of the idea of de-stinking? No, I'm just saying like, are you embarrassed of the sound of your poop? That is the more Yes, like the fan muffles it Yep No one knows

What are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? Why is that fan still like Josh has a chainsaw right next to the toilet And then the fan just goes off It's like Goes off for a second And then he just turns it on whenever The next way it comes

It does nothing Just so you know Josh Everyone knows what's done in the toilet room Yeah nobody you didn't trick them Yeah If you're real... I was in there for a 15-minute pee. If you're really, really worried about, you know, the embarrassment of the sound.

Put on, like, a Spotify playlist on your phone. Because the fan is not covering anything. I love the idea that all of a sudden, you just starts... Start jamming Metallica just for, like, 60 seconds. You got to really time it up, though. All right, one more. A nap is better on the couch than in the bed. Oh.

Ooh. I mean, I hold... I got it. I have a lot. of thoughts on this. Let me wrangle them up. A nap. It's not a dumb one.

If you answer right. A nap is better. Oh gosh. We've had this debate. Better on the couch than in the bed. I mean, this is easy stuff. This is easy. Better on a couch.

Jason's answer is no. Mine is not no. Mine is no way. Mine is yes. No way. I wrote bed. Of course bed. Of course.

It's not a nap then. It's sleeping. That's what you do when you nap. No, it's going to sleep. No. So you're telling me if I sleep for 20 minutes in my bed. Listen, I'll give you, if you're over the covers, it's a nap. No.

If you just go get in bed under the covers. I'm taking my shirt off. I'm taking my shorts off. I'm getting under covers. Stop taking my cap on, of course. Look, I'm going to look exactly like I look when I go to sleep. Yes, except it's a nap. Yeah, because I'm not sleeping overnight.

I'm just. This is biased because you can't sleep without a CPAP. So you got to go hook up and you don't have a CPAP sitting on your chair. That is also true that I literally can't like just. comfortably falls asleep on the couch. A normal person. I don't see pap and I'm doing my naps in the bed. No, let me tell you. Falling asleep on the couch is a sweet, sweet tree. Here's the thing. Here's the big difference. Or on a movie theater. There's a big difference here. You say it's I'm biased because I need my CPAP, but the truth is

your biased because you don't plan naps. Naps happened to you. He's pretending. He's like, I'm above it. Naps just, you're right. Your naps are involuntary. It snuck up on me. You've never napped in a bed. A nap is, it sneaks up on you. Yeah. But they don't have to. You can actually go, I need a nap. I'm going to go take a nap.

Every once in a while you have like four sandwiches and two cookies for lunch. That's called passing out. A nap sneaks up on you. And that happened yesterday to you. That's passing out. That's not a nap. Have you ever gone home and said, I'm tired. I need a nap and then gone to the couch?

No. Why would you do that? Yes. Yes, I have. Not. Maybe. I've definitely gone to the recliner with that intention for sure. Okay.

Well, that was not part of the question. Ironically, I will say. Was that after the two sandwiches and you had reflux? Probably. The recliner is funny because I like a good nap on the recliner. But I do find myself about partway through, like turning on my side and wishing I was in a bed. Exactly. It's a little uncomfortable.

And that's why we're just, we're skipping the middle. I don't want to be a person. We're not lying to ourselves. Yeah, but how embarrassed. You just caught in the bed in the middle of the day? It's not an embarrassing. If you slip off to sleep on his recliner, it's a whoopsie daisy. How healthy naps are for you?

Naps are a super power. Man of a certain age, guys. Your wife comes on, she really needed you to do some stuff around the house. Instead, she finds you butt naked with a CPAP on in your bed. How is that better than the couch? Yes. The couch is like, oh, man, he's working so hard. No.

He just slipped off to sleep. If I'm on the couch, she can slap me. Yeah, you're getting a shot. And you're up and at him immediately doing all this stuff. She'll walk in and she'll go, are you a, are you sleeping in bed in the middle of the day? She's not saying that with her hand. You got a thought? I think I've mentioned this on the show before, but we were invited over to dinner at the Moors before.

Jason was gone for a while. And we're just sitting in the kitchen with Jason's wife and my wife. What time is it? It was probably, I don't know, 7.30. I think it was closer to 9, but okay. Let's be in the middle. Say 8 o'clock. And so finally we're like, where is Jason?

We all thought he was pooping. Tip went looking for him and he was in bed with a CPAP on shirt off. I fell asleep. He tried to say he just dosed off. I just, that's the problem. I accidentally fell asleep with a, that one's different. That's not a nap. That's asleep.

One thing I do another. I took off my pants and then. I think in hindsight, I don't think I ever justified this last time. I think what happened. You didn't tell anybody. No, I know, I know. Wait, hold on. I think what happened?

It was a long time ago. Now, it's been a couple years. I didn't say a very intentional thing happened. My memory of this is that I was exhausted. I was exhausted. I was exhausted. I went to go and lay down for a second. Just like, just like, oh, just to collapse.

See, that's the lie. Then my clothes are still on. I didn't de-rope. Oh, I'm so tired. But then my shirt was itchy. I immediately just was out. But I can't go out. I forget what the C-PAP feels like.

This is a hard one to justify. This is so hard. It's really difficult to justify. But what happened was I laid down for a second, thinking I was just going to be a second. Then I fell asleep. But I can't sleep because I didn't have a CPAP on. I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. And I just reach over, have it, grab it, put it on, and went night night.

And then got caught. Did you get back up? Yeah, I got back up. And you know what? You know what? In hindsight, you guys are probably happy. I got that little power nap. You probably were the life of the party.

Yeah, well, I wasn't before that. So you guys are both on Team Bad? Yeah. It's the way to be, man. You know, I had when my grandfather was around, nobody could recliner an app like that man. Instantaneous. Do we have? Like a remote control.

What was the snore like, though? It wasn't much. Really? No, he was just out. The claws are good for snores. He could go from. Yeah, but you can't be a grandpa and not just change. He had the birthday party with the cake and ice cream.

And then it's like you'd look over and it was just, he'd had to move. The only thing that happened was, his eyes closed. You're on your way, man. I'd like to get there. Cake and ice cream nap and recliner. I would think you're there. I mean, the ultimate of like, this sucks. I'm going to sleep.

This is where I am. That's great. I'm so content. That's good stuff. All right. We'll take a break and we'll draft. The Spitballers draft. All right. I'm really curious what the answers are going to be like. It sounds like Al Borland and myself and Mike both, we all put ourselves kind of in the bathroom stall.

Yeah. And then so we were hearing something from a neighboring stall or from in the bathroom at all? Yeah. Front side. All right. And everything goes, as long as it's in the bathroom. But this is the worst things to hear through a bathroom stall. Jason, you have the honor of the first pick.

I think this one will have a bunch of wild answers. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how much crossover will have. and I don't think there's a 101 here. It sounds like something. You know what? I'm just going to, I'm going to take an easy, obvious layup. It's what I just genuinely don't ever want.

I don't want to, whether I'm in a bathroom, certainly not if I'm in the stall next to him. I don't want to hear crazy explosive diarrhea. I don't want to hear. We've all been there. I had it written down as loud poo. Yeah. You're just wondering.

it's pretty funny. It's a little funny, but now you feel like you can't breathe. You have to hold your breath. You ever done the hold the breath in the bathroom? Of course. Yeah. We as a society,

we're on this show. We're yucking it up. We're making jokes about how funny it is. This is not fair. We've got this back wall graphic. This is the backwall graphic to explain our picks. But the only thing it shows, Jason explosive diarrhea.

There's no context of the draft. Just Jason explosive diarrhea. It's a great work. I wish I knew that we were rolling this out. Like this, we're laughing at explosive diarrhea. And yet when I'm in a bathroom and that's what I hear from the stall next to me, I feel like I'm not supposed to laugh. Of course not.

But it's funny. It's funny. If you weren't doing it. And the person outside the stall started cack. you'd feel pretty bad. I don't know, but why? Shame. But why?

Like, we'll do that, that exact same scene could be on a comedy movie. You'd be like, oh, this is hilarious. It's not real. But why can't we laugh at this? Well, sometimes diarrhea is very painful for people. Sure, but not for me if I don't have it. It's funny. Let's just focus on this back wall graphic here.

Jason has explosive diarrhea. I'm going to change my draft pick to amazing. Hair. Amazingly hilarious. Okay. All right. Who's up, Andy? Yes.

Man. What do I not want to hear in the bathroom stall next to me? I'm going to go with a woman giving birth. Oh. Oh, wow. I feel like that would be number one, which bathroom are you in the wrong bathroom? Yeah, I mean, maybe.

I don't know which ones the birthing bathroom. It could be a neutral. If the baby's a boy, which bathroom do they belong in? Well, I mean, you know what I mean? That's a deep question. Do you know what I mean? That's a deep question. Is it if the mom brought the boy into his,

into the boys bathroom. I knew it was a boy. So she was like, she wanted to give birth where he was going to be comfortable in the boy's bathroom. Childbirth. Childbirth.

Yeah, I don't want to hear. Not on my list. I don't want to hear the sound of childbirth in a neighboring stall. All right. So sue me. Okay.

All right. So I'm up. Yeah. All right. So I got, I got to take two picks. Um, with my first pick,

uh, I'm going to go with, so you're sitting there and you hear a, watch your feet oh okay watch your feet I would lift my feet instantly with no with no regard it's a wonderful thing for them to do

it's the golf equivalent of four I mean that's basically what it is it is it is it's a courteous that's a good answer for this question if you heard four I appreciate the person giving me a heads up I don't want to hear it though watch your feet and then the next one, you'll have to, you know, use your imagination and put yourself in it. Personalize it. Just here. So this, I'm going with me, right? Mike? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Your name. Yes. Yes. Yes. They see your shoes. They see your shoes.

Oh. Mike? Like, ooh. That is. Even if I know you, this is not the way that was supposed to. I. On my list, I've got, Jason, is that you? How have you been? Don't start a conversation with me. Don't you dare. I don't care if we walked in here together and you not, do not talk to me. When we walk in a bathroom, stop talking to me. That's like the rules of the bathroom are weird.

Bathroom talkers are weirdos. And the people that are bathroom talkers, they are so comfortable. And they would argue, they'd be like, what are you talking about? You're saying because I'm in this room, I can't talk to my friend. Correct. What? The problem is that you, if you do recognize and know somebody and you're standing right next to them at the urinal and you say nothing at all, it's like not acknowledging their existence. What's worse? The someone striking up a conversation through the stall.

Ooh. Or the urinal. Oh, the urinal's not bad at all. The urinal's worse. Ooh, two differing opinions. I'm really exposed at the urinal. I mean, yeah, you could. I don't want someone to talk.

I'm more exposed in the stall, even though they got wall. No, you're not. You got wall? I've got my pants around my ankles. That's true. I'm like, it's just too. I know there's a wall there, but it's two bare butts that are just out in the open. I know how I am.

I know how you are. Yeah. It's a little better. It's a little better at the urinal when there are the little half walls. Which most of the time there are now. Yeah, but now sometimes, man. There's still places where they don't do it. You know what the worst?

The worst one is, is not, there's no half wall and it's the urinal that goes the way to the ground. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because somehow the urinal that's up higher feels more protective. Yes. But all the way to the ground. No, to the ground.

One of the urinals that are facing each other, you know? Also. No, I'm just kidding. The trough. The old, the old trough. Honestly, what are the savings here? The restaurant. How much are you said?

What are the, like, well, guys. Let's cost. We're way over on budget. It costs 45 bucks. We can't put in this thin sheet of aluminum in between. Is it an end? Anybody's benefit to dissuade people from using the restroom at that location? Possible, possible.

All right. My next answer for what I, the worst sounds to hear through about their install. I'm going to go with a countdown timer, like a bomb time. That's good. Not on my list, but that's good. I don't know what's coming. Oh, wait. Oh, it's not a human counting?

It could be a countdown. It could be that right there, but it speeds up. I'm trying to squeeze this one off. I got to get out of here. Some got a bomb timer. That's good. That makes you want to go put that sound effect on. Oh,

just in a bathroom. Just go leave my phone in a stall and wait until someone comes in there and start a countdown timer. It would be very scary. That's a great answer. I would not want to hear that. All right, Jason, you are back on the clock. All right. I don't want to hear someone screaming for help.

Okay. Yeah. Because now I'm involved. Yeah, now you have to do something. Now I'm brought into the equation. No, no, now my legs are going up. Yeah. No one here.

I mean, I'm not helping you. I want that very clear. If you scream for help, I am not there. I will, I will not help you in any way, shape, or form. It's just, this is inappropriate. Sir, you don't know me. Please be quiet. Even if it was one of you guys, I'm sorry.

You're going to give me a minute. Yeah, just like, I don't want to hear that. I don't hear that. Now, now, he didn't say screaming for help. Now it's explosive diarrhea, help. My screen just says explosive diarrhea help. Okay, I got one more. This one has, has some layers.

Oh, no, it's like an onion? Yeah, it's like, well, there's, there's, there's immediate fear. Oh, boy. There's worries. Oh, no. And I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear a gunshot. Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh! I made first. First, I'm afraid for me. Yeah. Then I'm afraid for them, and I don't know what to do. Well, and you're not in a position to, you're not in like, no, like fight mode. Like, you're not in your best stance.

I'm not running. I'm not in the ready position. No. No, if I need to do something right now, I'm falling over. And I don't know how to, like, I would be frozen. And I would be so afraid of what might have happened. I don't want to know. Yeah. Yeah.

So that is like, that's really my one-on-one. I don't want to hear that. A gunshots. that's reasonable um i'm just going to go with more of a layup here but it's the honest truth i i i know what you're saying projectile vomiting yeah thrown up projectile vomiting just you know i'd rather have the diarrhea that was an easy one and that's so much worse it's worse that's what's diarrhea funny person next to me vomiting that's not funny you're not laughing no you i'm not laughing at that like i'm a no i feel bad like uh what do you call it like an empath

sympathetic vomiter like a what's the word sympathetic yeah like I I started to get the queasy when you are putting that out there um so I'll go I'll go protect that I would have taken that if it got back that's a very solid one um okay so I got oh my last two picks here we're going to start uh where did it go oh but right now Mike you have watch watch your feet and then some And then someone's just, someone recognizes you biting your name. We're going to go. No, it's not Mike. I'm going to go with.

I guess it kind of leads into what you were talking about, Jay. But just you actually get the official ask. You know, the toilet paper? I need a favor. Yeah. You're like, no. Oh, they need the toilet paper? Yeah.

No, just say I need a favor. Okay. Because if you say I need a favor, that's not toilet paper. There's some other ass that is about to be put. They're going to say, hey, there's a person out there. I need you to go do this. Okay. And then my last one, this is the police.

Oh. Oh. So that's, you're in the stall. Yes. You got nowhere to know. They're not going to stop. Like, if they're going to arrest you, they're not going to wait for you to pull your pants up and wipe your butt. I think they can.

You have nowhere to go. Do they wipe for you? They're not going to wipe for you. They're going to take their time. You have a wipe to remain silent. Ha! Yes. Yes, that was it.

You have a wipe to remain silent. People love it. That was fantastic. No, that's a good one, Mike. I like that. The police are barging in. What do I, do I have one more or two more? One more.

I don't want to hear tell my family I love them. Oh, that's, yeah. That was my gunshot. It was. But this is the implications that you're having a time in there. so catastrophic that it's the end. Tell my family I love them. That's the final.

That would be the end. That's the final pick for me. And I don't want to hear my final pick. Is this the final pick? Yes. The last one. All right. I don't want to hear.

They'll hear us. You know, it's like, wait a minute. I'm not in on it with you. Yeah, you are now. Wait a minute. You're in on it. it now. There should only be one of you. So you get that and then followed up by this is the police.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Um, spectacular. Yeah, these are all things that are, I'll be thinking about the next time I'm in a public stall. Uh, I had, uh, what else did you have? You got to see this. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I had a, what the heck is that? Yeah. Yeah. I got, oh, it's all in my pants. Or, or, I forgot to dig my pants off. Or, uh, I don't want to hear. There's so much blood. Oh, that's a confusion to come with that. That's bigger than I thought. Yeah. Sorry, did I get that on you? Oh, my goodness.

I mean, it's endless. Yeah. Speakerphone 911, what's your emergency? My very close fifth pick was going to be the sound of water overflowing. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. I've got, oh, that super clogged flush. Yeah.

Don't flush it. Yep, yeah. I was trying to decide if I was going to tell a cruise story there. All right. We'll keep it. What did we learn today? I learned that Mike does not want to be content. Yeah, he wants, he's aiming higher.

Yeah. I learned that Jason can just kind of incidentally fall asleep without his clothes on with a T-Pap on his head, accidental nap. I learned that owl Borland is a cowardly waker. Oh, with a multiple alarms? Come on. You don't need multiple alarms. Believe in yourself, dude. You can do it.

It's too late for him. Whatever he set up is his pattern. It's never too late. It's never too late. You can change. All right, everybody. We'll catch you on the next one. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Thank you.